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kellykadesperate · 7 years ago

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robron week

Day 5 | Firsts/Beginning:

We were just kids when we fell in love

' "When it happens, you'll have absolutely no say over it Aaron. You'll be helpless in this amazing way and my God you'll be grateful. I promise you that, one day, you'll fall in love.”

~*~

Aaron kicks against the bench with gusto and watches the world go by around him as he sits and waits for something to happen.

He feels it running through his veins and he doesn't know exactly what he's supposed to do about it. It's strange, feels like he's falling off the edge of something he doesn't quite understand.

All he knows is that he's waiting and waiting and his life is absolutely shit.

He's eighteen, should be in Ibiza with all his other mates but apparently he's too much of a live wire to be trusted on a plane and then in another country with booze.

He rolls his eyes against it and then hears the sound of arguing coming from just down the road.

He sees Andy there, and he's clearly ready to fight some blond boy with questionable fashion style.

Aaron shakes off the thought before studying the scene even further and noticing the boxes at the bloke's feet.

He takes it he's moving in to where Andy lives, the farm about a mile away. Only Andy doesn't seem to be having any of it and Aaron watches the bloke get shoved to the ground before he can say anything.

He gets to his feet quick enough, cardboard boxes piled high and this baggy denim jacket on as he stalks up the road with a scowl on his face and Aaron can't help but stare.

Until.

"What you lookin' at?" The boy growls and Aaron can't stop looking at him.

"Nothing." He manages to get out though, seconds later, time ticking on by.

He watches the boy turn and walk up the steps of the pub and Aaron's whole body turns numb against it.

That's when Aaron Dingle first meets Robert Sugden.

~*~

Robert Sugden is a year older than Aaron, and it shows by the way everyone seems to treat him.

He overhears everything from his room about exactly why he's back.

He's run out of money from his travels and expects Andy to take him in.

His mum seems to hate him, for a reason he's not too sure of but by the time the moon is up, Aaron's heard enough about the boy to last a life time.

~*~

Aaron has about one interesting thing going on in his life at the moment.

He's a mechanic and naturally that means he grabs the keys and does donuts with the cars until Cain catches him.

He's not doing that now though, he's got his head stuck in an engine and he can hear the commotion from outside just as he twists at the fuel filter.

It's *his voice again, all booming and heavy and Aaron's sure that people thought the same of his only a few years ago.

He's not much better now, too wild, too frantic and unpredictable according to absolutely everyone.

Robert seems to be getting a hard time of it by Andy still and he almost wishes he could give a toss but then he sights Robert's thick looking leather jacket and he almost cringes.

His fashion style is more than a little questionable at this point and Aaron wants nothing to do with it.

Only Robert comes to the garage and apparently he used to work here and everyone should care about that fact.

"Any jobs going? I need the money considering Andy's not letting me stay at the farm."

There's something almost soft about the way he hangs his head and looks towards Cain who has a face like thunder.

"Why would I give you a job?"

And oh,

Aaron almost forgot the mega Dingle vs Sugden battle that he wasn't around to witness.

It resulted in little Sarah being born and Andy's name being marked by the whole family for daring to getting 'Our Debbie' pregnant.

That was years ago but apparently it's still enough to warrant a straight up decline of Robert's plea without a second thought.

Aaron keeps his head down as Robert sighs hard and can't help but feel a little uncomfortable.

He doesn't even know why but there's something about Robert which just riles him up in this ridiculous way.

"Your family are a bunch of nutters mate."

And Cain can't help but get personal it seems.

"And yours aren't? Your sister's a slapper and -"

And that happens to be Aaron's mum.

To say he flys off the handle is a bit dramatic but Robert is tossed to the ground within seconds so, actually it's debatable.

Robert's head lands against the gravel with an awkward ease and he's probably used to being there by now.

The idiot's been here for a grand total of two days and he's already made an enemy.

"Oi, get off me." Robert says, fists flying up at Aaron's arms to try and get him away.

Aaron keeps a firm hold, eyes hard. "Do one." He says, lets go and Robert gets to his feet, hands in his pockets and this look on this face.

It's almost like a kicked puppy.

"Stick the job." Robert hisses.

Cain raises an eyebrow and is somehow impressed by Aaron's work. Aaron warms under the praise, the smallest tilt of the head and the promise of getting off early and it's nearly more important than the way Robert looks back at him as he leaves.

~*~

His mum is an absolute nightmare at the best of times but when Cain tells her about Robert's words, she literally bars him from entering the pub and Aaron's glad until he watches Andy and Katie laugh about it.

They're older.

Only by a few years but they've set up house and think they're in their thirties and bore Aaron to absolute death.

They love in this ridiculous way and Aaron wishes he's never going to feel that way.

It's a strange place to go but he does think about it when he's bored, or alone, or both. Love is this confusing concept and he's not going to begin to try and wish it upon himself.

"You can't just ban me." Robert says, and Aaron watches from a booth. He's clearly had quite the day of it, hair sticking up and leather jacket firm against his body.

"Think I can." Chas has her arms crossed and all sorts and Aaron smirks a little as Robert castes a look in his direction.

He assumes he's connected dots, realised Chas is his mum and that only earns a scowl from the boy who once again turns away.

~*~

Aaron's a big boy, big enough to know what exactly he can do with a Friday night and so he manages to actually put enough money together to deserve a night out.

He's wearing a white top, a puffer jacket and has his hair slathered in gel too thick for him to actually use properly.

He looks at himself in the mirror and then hears a knock on the door.

It's Paddy, and he's back from whatever sheep meeting he was at.

He waves a hand out awkwardly and smiles. "Where are you going?" He asks and Aaron shrugs.

"Out." He replies, and Paddy tells him to be careful because he knows something is wrong even when his mum and Cain don't.

Aaron's eyes flicker in the mirror and he sees Paddy hanging by his bedroom door.

He just nods his head along until he disappears and then sprays something on his chest.

It smells like earth, it'll do.

~*~

It's just a bar.

Just any old bar and Aaron's almost stunned into just moving in and having a drink.

He's old enough now, feels something tingle through his body as he realises that and the fact that the place makes him feel almost alive.

In a weird way.

Because he doesn't fit in, but he's not supposed to, is he?

"You alright?" He's blonde, blue eyes, all of that jazz and he supposes his mum would call him a dream boat.

But Aaron just scarpers and suddenly he's not old enough for this.

So he heads home, sits on the back row of the bus and then sees someone sloped against the shelter as he steps off.

For a second he moves to just carry on walking but then peers closer and sees that it's the idiot.

Robert.

"The bus just went mate." Aaron shouts a little on purpose and Robert looks up at him.

"How about you piss off back to your Dingle hut." Robert has a sharp tongue and mean eyes when he wants to and Aaron just scowls against it all as he stares at him.

The air isn't nearly as cold as it would be if it was winter and he supposes that it's the silver lining this idiot doesn't even deserve.

"At least I have somewhere to go." Aaron retaliates, and sort of suddenly he feels awful because he knows how it feels not to have a home.

He lives with Paddy now but before that he was tossed back and forth to whoever could put up with him.

And from what he gathers, Robert has absolutely no one left.

Vic seems too polite to want to take sides on whatever is going on and so Robert sleeps in bus shelters?

"I said leave me alone. So get lost Dingle." Robert has venom in his blood and Aaron feels something pull inside him as he hears him speak.

He's paler under the moonlight and his hair is longer than Aaron thought it was and he's still an absolute dick.

"Have a nice night." Aaron says, goes to turn away and Robert scoffs.

"You clearly didn't. Home for ten?"

And Aaron's not sure why it stings but -

Robert Sugden is getting so far under his skin that he wants to flipping scream.

~*~

A few weeks go by and something changes, Aaron's working on a car one day when he feels someone slam against the bonnet.

He shakes against it and then he slides out from underneath the car to see Robert's smarmy face looking at him.

"Show me the ropes would ya?" And Robert has overalls on, a smugness about him that Aaron wants to wipe off.

"You what?" Aaron stands up, squares up to Robert and then watches Cain come between them.

"He's working here. We need the help." Cain doesn't say anything, just stalks towards the desk and Aaron watches Robert with a sudden energy about him because this isn't fair.

But he's also just a kid in everyone's eyes and Robert is that little bit older, that year, and so apparently he doesn't get a say.

~*~

Robert has big hands and a freckled nose and he's almost soft with the way he works, delicate even.

Aaron finds it hard to stop staring at him.

And he knows it's a flipping problem that he'll have to just get over sooner or later.

He prefers it happen sooner.

Because Robert is a cocky, arrogant idiot who his family hate along with his dosy brother.

So he just needs to stop staring at him the way he is. That's all.

~*~

The sun stretches out over the village in an unfamiliar fashion, makes Aaron squint against it and Robert's freckles almost illuminate over his face.

Not that Aaron's looking or anything.

He's fixing an engine when a bloke approaches them with a car and a botched job at repairing a tyre.

"Hey, sorry. Could you squeeze this in?" And the guy looks only a little older than Aaron but his eyes are all suggestive and he's got this smile on his face for absolutely no reason.

Aaron scowls, thinks that will disguise the bubbling in his stomach as he notices Robert staring at what is going on. All this heat rises up towards his head and he quickly takes the keys from the bloke.

"Yeah it's fine. Drop your details down and -"

"Oh what, like his number Aaron?" And there's absolutely no reason for Robert flipping Sugden to open his mouth and then wink.

But he does and Aaron wants to throttle him.

The bloke laughs against it, turns ruby and jots down his number before walking away with a smirk on his face as if Aaron's actually going to call him.

It's ridiculous, the way another man can be that confident and daring. Aaron could have walloped him one for even trying, but he didn't even seem to him.

Aaron feels the same heat rise up through him and it's like everyone is watching him and waiting and everyone just knows exactly who he is and -

Robert laughs, it breaks through the panic Aaron feels and suddenly there's someone to take his anger and confusion out on.

"I didn't know a Dingle was gay."

Aaron doesn't even wait to hear if Robert is sincere or just fucking teasing because he literally tosses his tool aside and launches himself on Robert. He tries to land a punch but Robert is flat out on the floor and something inside Aaron screams 'no' in this unnatural way.

Robert pants hard, and Aaron's literally straddling him and this is *not trying to disprove Robert's thoughts at all is it?

He leans forward though, holds at Robert's hands so that he's pinned down and suddenly all he has to do is deny.

"You ever say that again and -"

"Alright mate. I was only asking. It's not a crime." Robert's eyes are wide and alert and also this murky green colour that Aaron's just realised.

He stares at him for a few seconds and then wills himself to slide off.

When he does, Robert is bright red and still panting a little and clears his throat as he looks at Aaron. "I'll stay out of your way from now on yeah?"

And it's weird to think they're so close in age. What with Robert being this explorer who has returned penniless but with all this experience of the world, and Aaron being ... Aaron.

A Dingle who has nothing going for him at all.

Aaron decides to call what he feels jealousy as Robert gets back to work and he stares at him for a little too long again.

~*~

Robert was right about the whole keeping out of each other's way and it's only increased the way Aaron watches him.

He has nothing else to do considering they work in silence and purposely go on different lunch breaks everyday.

Today though, Aaron's run over his time and is sitting in the cafe with Vic eating a muffin.

"How comes you and my brother aren't ripping each other's hair out?"

She's meant to be back at school too, and Aaron smiles faintly at the way she's attempting to do algebra and gossip.

He shrugs his shoulders and stiffens at the mention of Robert. "We stay out of each other's way."

Vic sighs. "So he doesn't talk to you. About me or Andy or -"

Aaron waves a hand out. "No. We're not mates, we just -"

He can't even finish his sentence because suddenly Robert is coming through the door with oily hands and a frown on his face.

"Will you hurry up! I want a lunch break too you know."

Aaron's eyes flicker as he looks at Robert in his blue overalls drawn down and his grey shirt visible and then he sighs. "Pipe down. I'll be over in a sec."

And Robert nods until he sees Aaron talking to Vic and Aaron realises that he's not best pleased.

It sets something in his stomach as he watches him leave and he finds out ten minutes later why.

"Look. If you're confused or whatever. Don't try and experiment with my little sister alright? She's too young for you and your tricks." And Robert is being deadly serious about it, has this darkness set over him and he's no longer just an idiot, he's a protective one too.

Aaron is all set to set him straight but then decides not to. "I can do what I like mate. So stop going on about me being gay." He says, and it's almost the biggest insult he's ever received.

Robert sniffs, edges closer. "It's your life mate." He says, and with that, he's off down the road and Aaron's probably closing up by himself as well.

~*~

It's not like Robert has been influential or whatever but Aaron's trying again. He's at the bar and he's got a pint and a bag of crisps and sweaty palms because -

It's his life and he isn't going to be pleasing anyone but himself.

On all accounts, it's a grand philosophy to live by and Aaron feels almost at ease in the surrounding.

It's like he's drawn to the place and it's supposed to make him feel like this is okay, like what he feels, what he doesn't feel for girls, is okay.

He drains his pint with gusto and then looks up towards the pool table. He fancies a game, thinks it'll settle something in his chest but when he looks properly -

He sees Robert standing there laughing with some bloke.

And then they're walking out of the bar together and Aaron's mouth is just hanging open in absolute surprise.

Because Robert Sugden, on all accounts, is a ladies man.

But Aaron follows them, and something in his heart twists at the sight of Robert going at it with this stranger whose hands are grabbing his arse for all he can.

It looks odd, it makes Aaron's eyes water and he doesn't even know what to do so he decides to quickly charge passed them in the hope that he won't be seen.

Because if Robert does see him, he'll also see the state of his face for no apparent reason and that'd just be -

"Aaron?" He hears his name and suddenly Robert isn't so far away from him anymore, in fact, he's standing opposite him and the bloke has vanished.

He watches Robert, leather jacket on and ripped jeans and skin pale as he brushes a hand over his mouth and tries to act normal.

"Yeah?" Aaron can hardly even look at him and apparently that gives it away because Robert's eyes flicker and he suddenly looks gutted.

"Aaron, please don't tell anyone."

And Aaron's not the only one with secrets apparently.

The thing is, he owes Robert absolutely nothing after he was a smarmy bastard who took pleasure in treating him like shit a few times.

But something inside him burns as he thinks about blabbing.

"I won't." Aaron says, as the street light flickers brighter and he watches Robert's face relax.

And with that, he's off.

~*~

Robert's unnaturally quiet the next morning, has his head down and concentrated and Aaron knows exactly what it's about but he won't say a word on the matter.

Because clearly, after all of Robert's pushing and prodding, he was the closest case.

He was the one with this giant secret he didn't want anyone to know. And now Aaron knows and something about that makes his insides flip.

"Will you stop staring at me." Robert says, way into the afternoon now and with Cain well and truly gone. Aaron watches him with this nervous energy and stammers out an apology but clearly it's not enough because Robert slams down his tools. "I need a break." He says.

"Don't be soft. Just come back and -"

"Soft? What 'cause of what you saw last night?" And if anyone was walking passed now, things would look dramatic.

Aaron stares into Robert's eyes and shakes his head slowly. "I shouldn't have said that."

"Why not? You wouldn't be the first." Robert kicks at the tyre of the car he's working on and Aaron sees the awful vulnerability about Robert that he despises. "And you won't be the last, not when my family find out."

Aaron scowls. "Well they won't hear it from me will they?" He says, he's attempting to be reassuring but he almost shouts in Robert's face and he's not good with this, comfort.

Robert lifts his head up and goes to speak but clearly he changes his mind because he just disappears down the road and Aaron's left struggling to breathe.

~*~

It's a lucky guess.

But he finds him in one of the old barns, the least stinky one with bounds of hay that no one uses anymore.

He's sitting by himself and Aaron's heart flips at the sight of him. He wills himself to get a grip but it's hard when Robert is around and that's so stupid to admit, but it's true.

"What are you doing here?" Robert says suddenly, wiping at his face and crossing his legs towards his chest.

He looks about ten years old and Aaron climbs up on the bounds of hay to sit with him. "Sitting down, what's it look like?"

Robert stares at him for a few seconds and then sighs. "The last thing I want, is your pity okay?"

And Aaron frowns. "Good. Because that's not what this is."

Only he doesn't even know what this is. He closed up the garage and still had Robert on his mind and so he made it his mission to find him when he should be at him eating fish fingers and hearing Paddy rabbit on about something to do with animals.

Robert shakes his head at him and Aaron keeps staring.

"I'm not gay. I'm bisexual. But it's just as worse if you were to ask my dad." Robert's skin turns pale and there's this confidence in his voice that Aaron wants to steal. "That's why I left, 'cause he found out and - tried to beat it out of me. I thought I could come back and put things right but apparently not. Because he's dead."

And Aaron remembers everyone crying at Jack's funeral, his picture still hangs proudly in the pub.

"Shit." Aaron says, in this almost undignified way about him and he looks at the way Robert is struggling and wants it to stop. "Oi. I'm sorry. He seemed like a top bloke." He says, only that was clearly not the right thing to say because Robert doesn't want to hear about how amazing his father was.

Of course he doesn't.

He watches Robert wipe at his face and climb down off the hay and Aaron jumps off to follow him towards the door.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to -"

"Well, stop trying to. I didn't ask you to come here so just leave me alone!" Robert shouts and there's something about his anger now that makes Aaron's heart feel heavy.

"You better be careful. I could tell them all about your little kisses with -"

Aaron hardly expects to be tackled to the ground but he is and Robert looks so angry and hurt and Aaron is so immediately sorry.

"You jumped up little thug." Robert says, pins Aaron down and their breathes seem to collide between them as they slow down their movements and -

Aaron pounces.

It's like something just breaks within him, this knot is undone and he launches towards Robert's face with a decent amount of gusto and he's kissing him.

It's not his first kiss.

But it's the first one that matters.

He knows that, almost straight away really because the way he kisses Robert is like he's battling for air and Robert is his only source. He feels Robert's surprise against their touch and then feels it melt away into this pile of goo around them as his hands find comfort at the back of Aaron's neck and they're kissing.

He's kissing Robert and everything screams out for him to stop but he *can't and all that he knows is that he's falling.

The thought suddenly reaches his head and he shoves Robert off him hard so that he falls back against the hay and -

He's just had his first proper kiss.

"I need - I need to go." Aaron says suddenly, and there's a hand hovering over his mouth, it's daring him to pull it across and forget what just happened but he can't.

He suddenly realises that his hair is in absolute state from their embrace and he backs towards the door with such haste that he hits his head.

Robert just keeps his head down and -

It was just a blip.

~*~

A blip is usually followed by a high, so Aaron flirts up a storm with anyone girl who comes into the garage the next day and Robert stays absolutely silent.

Aaron's still unable to look anywhere else but at him though and something inside his stomach twists as he sees how confused and sad he looks.

But it's not like he can do anything about it.

"Have you two kissed and made up or what?" Cain's full of jokes and Aaron nearly dislocates his shoulder as he looks up at his uncle.

"You what?" He says gruffly and Cain waves a finger between them both.

"Civil." Cain says, sipping his coffee.

That's when Robert lifts his head up, blonde hair brushed against his forehead. "I'm just here to do my job. Nothing else."

And the last part hurts.

It keeps hurting until it's time to close up and Aaron watches Robert struggle out of his overalls.

"Need any help?" Aaron asks, not even lifting his head up and Robert just ignores him.

So suddenly Aaron feels something in his chest ache and he can't handle it so he moves towards Robert and tries to touch his arm but he ends up slammed against a car.

"Don't touch me." Robert says, and he's still so confused. Aaron can see it in his eyes and he wants it to go away, he doesn't want to hurt Robert, so he should just nod his head and turn to leave but he doesn't.

Instead, he pushes Robert back against the wall and this time he kisses him with more confidence.

And Aaron and Robert are two boys kissing in a garage and no one can tell Aaron he shouldn't want this.

~*~

Robert falls apart underneath a kiss, every single strand of cockiness about him melts away and he's this delicate thing.

Aaron's got used to the feel of Robert's mouth on his and the way they don't speak about it during the day.

It's always the same routine, they work in silence, half smiles across the cars and then Aaron attacks at Robert and sends him a million mixed messages.

It's the same routine two weeks later, only this time Robert changes everything,

"The barn's quieter." And he holds Aaron's hand as they walk there.

Aaron only lets him because it's dark outside and -

Robert has soft hands.

~*~

Robert kisses with a softness about him too, his face melts into Aaron's and he looks at him sometimes in a way that makes Aaron forget to breathe.

Aaron lets his guard down suddenly, when Robert is laying next to him and kissing him gently and running his hands through his hair.

He tells himself this is what it feels like to feel something and then has to stop himself.

"You ever think about leaving this place?" Robert whispers to Aaron, moon stretched out over the sky now.

Aaron's got his hands locked in Robert's and he holds them up a little in between them as he nods.

"I think about that a lot." Aaron mumbles, a softness that only Robert sees.

Only Robert can *afford to see.

~*~

"Remember how I used to hate you?" Aaron says, breathing slowing down as he sips at his beer and has his head against Robert's shoulder.

"Of course." Robert scoffs and Aaron holds at his shirt a little.

"I never did." Aaron admits, and there's something so sincere in his voice.

Robert makes him want to be honest and good and he's not perfect himself, but he's managed to tame this horribleness deep inside Aaron with little difficulty.

And everyone seems to see that. No one more than Paddy, who's had his suspicions for too long now.

"You're happier." He comments, and it's causally said over dinner.

And Aaron is ready to flat out call Paddy a weirdo but then he gets a text.

' I'm bringing pizza to the barn in half an hour. Be there. '

And -

"Yeah, whatever."

~*~

Robert has this wild ability of making Aaron laugh.

And Aaron's easily lost in the happiness that spreads over Robert's face as he kisses him and tickles at his side and makes Aaron this pile of goo.

Robert makes Aaron vulnerable and exposed and -

It scares the absolute life out of him most days.

So he does what he's good at, and he lashes out and he loses it and Robert bares the brunt of how fucked up he is.

"I don't want this to be - just erased from your memory." Robert says one night, beers between them in the barn and the promise of something so much more in between them too.

But Aaron's a dear in headlights as Robert is too good for him.

"You're wasting your time Rob." He says suddenly, and his chin wobbles against the way Robert looks at him. "Because I can't be this person outside of this barn."

And that's the truth behind it all.

"I can help ya. Aaron, you know how I feel." Robert has blonde hair and green eyes and is easily the most beautiful boy Aaron's ever met in his life.

And he doesn't deserve his help either.

"Go find someone who cares."

~*~

Robert doesn't come in to work for a few days, and he doesn't answer Aaron's messages either and Vic is absolutely no help.

"He's probably just gone away for a few days. He does that a lot, when he's got things on his mind." Vic says, sipping the hot chocolate Aaron's forked out for.

Aaron nods a little slowly. "Right." He says, and something clenches in his chest when he realises that he's the reason why Robert has scarpered.

It's not the same until he sees him again, and he can't help the smile on his face as he runs up to him.

"Rob?" He says, hands dug into his overalls and a smile on his face, nervous against the way he left things with Robert so cruelly days ago. "Hey, can we talk, I -"

Robert's skin is paler than it was before, and he's got bags under his eyes. He looks like he's not been doing great and Aaron's suddenly fighting everything inside him not to reach out and hug him.

"Find somebody who cares." Robert says, pushes passed Aaron and -

Well he deserved that.

~*~

Aaron chases after Robert as they lock up, drags him back into the garage with the promise of leaving him alone once he's said sorry.

"Look. I was horrible. I shouldn't have been." And Aaron's absolutely awful at this, especially when Robert isn't even looking at him. "Will you listen to -"

Robert suddenly raises his head and Aaron's heart flips, he still makes him feel like he needs to grab ahold of him before his legs turn to jelly.

"I missed ya, you know." Aaron's biting his lip and suddenly he shuffles towards Robert. "Don't go like that again." He says, and Robert wordlessly wraps his arms around Aaron and -

It's scary how much Aaron finds comfort in the way Robert holds him.

~*~

Andy's a dick who makes Robert nearly cry and Aaron loses his mind against it.

"Oi. Come here." And Aaron's hugging at Robert, a hand flying across his back and rubbing it slowly.

"You're good at this." Robert tells him, holds a hand against Aaron's top and keeps a firm grip on it.

And Aaron freezes. "I am?"

Robert nods his head, leans up and kisses his cheek. "You really are."

And that makes Aaron smile, it also makes him punch Andy the next time he sees him and the breathless set of kisses he gets from Robert is worth the way his knuckles sting for a few days.

~*~

There's always something, and it's usually always Aaron and this time there's no difference to the norm.

He's all black hoodies and dark looks and Robert is clingy today, hands falling across Aaron's face when he kisses him and dares to slip a hand against the buckle of Aaron's jeans.

And it freaks Aaron the fuck out.

"Get off me." Aaron's ruining it, he knows he's ruining it but he can't help it and Robert only tries to help but -

Aaron panics against what it will mean if Robert and him do that.

There's no going back and Robert doesn't seem to get that.

"Aaron, we don't have to do anything like that. I shouldn't have -"

"I'm not like you."

And there it is, the words just flutter in the air and suddenly Aaron is so far removed from the pleasure and happiness Robert feels when they're intimate.

It contrasts the complexity of Aaron's fear and the way he is still trying to fight against it.

Robert looks flipping crestfallen though. "Aaron, you're gay."

And that only makes Aaron lose his mind even more. "Fuck off." He says, suddenly throws Robert's worn down leather jacket towards his face and climbs off the hay.

Just someone saying it makes Aaron's hands shake.

"No. No, I'm not having you do this again." Robert says, and he's mad, he must be mad. "Aaron, I'm *here for you. I'm here and I'll help you but you just have to -"

"What? Be honest? Like you are?" It's laughable, it really is and Aaron's trying not to cry against it. Robert's eyes flicker uncomfortably and Aaron wills himself to stop now but something horrible within him carries on. "You're the one who's too scared to let your family know, your dad's dead and you're still running from him!"

And that's,

That's fucking horrible.

He instantly regrets it, gasps against his words and then the way Robert has a tear rolling down his face.

"Rob -" Aaron's chin wobbles and he fucking hates himself so much that it aches.

"So this isn't real then?" Robert's eyes flicker, his blue jumper loose around his body and the sleeves pulled up across his hands the way Aaron wears it.

And he's asking this question that means too much.

So Aaron lies, because that's obviously the best thing to do.

"You think this is like some - some boyfriend and girlfriend thing? It's not. We're not -"

Robert suddenly walks passed him, "Thanks for letting me know." He whispers and then he's gone and Aaron -

He's crying over a boy for the first time in his life.

~*~

He's still crying when he gets home and Paddy's too observant to ignore it so he knocks on his bedroom door until Aaron lets him in.

"I'm fine. Go away." Aaron's weak with his words and Paddy just tuts a little before sitting on his bed.

"You're clearly not fine." Paddy insists, not even a flicker of doubt in his mind. "Aaron? You can talk to me."

And Aaron's suddenly just this little boy, and Robert means too much for him to even consider and that aches.

"Talking won't do anything." Aaron mumbles, wipes a tear from his face and suddenly Paddy rubs his back gently and he collapses towards him until Paddy is holding him tight.

"I know what this is about Aaron." And it makes Aaron stiffen in his hold, Paddy's probably always known. "Robert Sugden."

Aaron hasn't got it in him to even try and deny anything anymore, because it's so exhausting. But Paddy's trying to understand and it freaks Aaron out.

"I've seen the way you look at each other. The way you look at him in the garage and -"

"I'm not gay. Not like that." And it's scary, how he's sorted things out in his head. "I just - Robert makes me feel things I shouldn't." His chin wobbles and Paddy frowns.

"Says who?" And Aaron looks down. "Aaron, what does he make you feel?"

Aaron sees Robert holding him, kissing him, listening to him talk about rubbish for hours and looking at him like he's the sun and -

"*Everything."

~*~

Robert goes again.

And Aaron waits, and waits, and the feelings in his heart seem to grow without Robert even being close.

He comes back though, and it's nearly been a whole week of Aaron holding his breath every morning as he waits for Robert to show up.

He's here now though, climbing out of a taxi at ten at night and Aaron feels sick as he thinks about what he's supposed to say to him.

He doesn't give himself the chance to think though because he just walks up to Robert and smiles at him a little. "Hi." He says, awkward and pathetic and -

He can smell perfume on Robert.

He's probably had girls chasing after him because he's fucking beautiful and everyone knows it.

Aaron blows out a breath and Robert tries to move passed him but he won't let him.

"Paddy's not in." Aaron whispers, looks towards the cottage. "Just - two minutes."

Robert frowns at him suddenly, and it's not fair how together he is when Aaron feels likes he's falling apart. "I've not got anything to say, you've said all there is Aaron. I'm done wasting my -"

"Please." Aaron whispers, and Robert looks shocked by the way the younger man dares to press a hand on his chest in the middle of the street.

He nods his head and follows Aaron inside.

Suddenly there's nothing to say and Aaron just stares at Robert slowly and walks towards him. "I want to kiss you so badly." Aaron admits, feels his eyes flicker and Robert's mouth hang open a little as the younger boy leans in.

He pulls away though and Aaron bites hard on his gum to stop the rejecting from hurting.

"I'm sorry." Aaron whispers, "But that's all I say isn't it? That I'm sorry, that - that I don't want you go walk away from me." He holds at hoodie and frowns. "My head's a mess."

"And mine isn't?" Robert shouts, and he doesn't shout like this often but Aaron's made him cry before so anything can happen. "You kissed me the first time, and then the time after that. And then you tell me this isn't real, that we don't mean anything and -"

Aaron nods his head. "What do you want me to say?"

"I want you to be honest!" Robert is so much wiser than he is. "You flipping idiot."

And Aaron can literally see what he's doing to Robert, and he doesn't deserve it even slightly.

Aaron's chin wobbles and he doesn't know how to be, he doesn't know who he is.

"I don't -"

"Like me? Feel something for me?" Robert is angry, he's still angry and whatever girl he was with didn't ease that at all. Robert starts pacing like he's thirty and waves his hands about before stopping and looking at Aaron. "And you're not gay right? You're as straight as they come, that's why you kiss me and put your hands on my -"

Aaron can't handle it. He just can't. So he pulls at Robert and slams him against the wall and his eyes water. "'Shut up." He screams, and he has to watch the way Robert winces against the impact his head makes against the wall.

"Rob." Aaron's chin wobbles and suddenly he flattens his hand against Robert's chest and -

"I'm sorry."

He completely unravels against the weight of absolutely everything he feels.

"I'm so - so - sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I couldn't - couldn't hurt you." Aaron's shaking, this deep awful feeling just snakes through his whole body and he's crying.

He's actually crying and he expects Robert to leave but he doesn't. He just holds him up and clings to Aaron's body.

"It's okay." Robert whispers, and he's this constant person in this haziness around Aaron that he cannot even begin to overcome. "I've got you." He kisses Aaron's head and this is the first time he's ever felt like this before in his life.

"Don't go." Aaron whispers, eyes still watering and this look in his eyes suddenly because everything around him has calmed. "I want you."

And Robert's hands start to shake as he holds Aaron.

"Do you want me Robert?" Aaron is almost trembling under this attempt at being confident and strong and -

Robert dives towards him, kisses him gently and scoops him up in his arms as they quicken the pace and Aaron feels everything so suddenly.

"Are - are you sure?" Robert is asking, because Aaron's never been this delicate.

Aaron nods though, holds out his hand and seconds later Robert Sugden is in his room and he's pulling his jacket off, and then his jeans until he's falling onto Aaron, onto the bed and -

Robert is the first person to ever make him feel like that.

~*~

It's late, and Robert is tangled in Aaron as they pull the covers over them.

He's all soft with him, and their bodies are delicately sensitive as Robert kisses at Aaron's cheek and everything is perfect until -

"I'm in love with you Aaron."

Aaron's eyes are closed, and suddenly his heart falls out of his chest and he can't even breathe.

So he forgets it, he forgets everything and pretends he didn't even hear.

And thankfully, Robert doesn't say stupid stuff like that again.

~*~

Aaron's a fool for thinking Robert would forget what he said, he's an absolute fool.

Because as soon as the garage is closed up, Robert touches him with a delicate touch and kisses his neck now and holds his waist closer and softer and all Aaron can thinks is:

He says he loves me.

He doesn't have to love me but he says he loves me.

And then:

I don't know how to love him.

That's why he shuffles out of his hold and he pretends like last night Robert didn't go and complete his whole life and care for him in a way no one will ever be able to again.

Robert knows as well. "Aaron, I meant what I said."

Because they know each other too well, there's no need to pretend anymore.

Aaron shakes his head, "No you didn't." He whispers. "We just had sex and you were being stupid." He moves across to the toolbox and starts stacking things away as Robert stares at him.

"Don't tell me how to feel." And Robert has every right to be on the defence. He does. "I know. And I've felt like this for a while now." Aaron just looks down. "That's why I kept having to leave, because it was too much." He says, "You were hurting me and - it was felt so *bad 'cause -"

Aaron looks up at him and frowns. "Robert, stop talking alright? Please don't ruin this."

"Ruin it?" And Robert's voice just *has to break. "Aaron, I love you and I think you feel the same."

And Aaron feels everything inside him heighten. "I don't." He says, and Robert shudders before he slides down against the car out in front of them and there's this awful pause for what feels like hours.

"I'm leaving." Robert says finally and Aaron's eyes widen. "My friend needs someone to help him run his bar down in London and I said I'd think about it, but I'm going."

And Aaron's suddenly crying. "Because I didn't say I love ya?"

But he knows it's more than that. He knows it because Robert thinks he'll never ever be honest and confident enough to be himself and -

"You know it's not that." Robert whispers, and he suddenly walks up towards Aaron and holds at his face. "You need to - to be happy and it's not with me."

But it is.

"Because you can't be honest with yourself Aaron. And you're not ready. I'm sorry." Robert says.

"Don't go." Aaron's chin wobbles, eyes glossy and sad and Robert keeps shaking his head.

"I need to do this - for me." Robert says, "We're only young, maybe - maybe you're right - maybe we don't - maybe I don't feel what I feel." And the way he frowns and starts to doubt himself makes Aaron's heart ache. "Bye Aaron." And then he goes and presses a kiss to Aaron's forehead and Aaron has to watch him go again.

And it hurts more than Aaron can say.

Especially when he watches him hug Victoria goodbye a few hours later.

He's just leaving and Aaron's just got to let it happen.

"Don't tell me he's going?" Paddy says, and he's a nosy bastard who's just let himself into Aaron's room and stares out the window with him.

"He told me he loved me. He's mad." Aaron's saying, and something in his chest just beats out so suddenly that he can't breathe.

He's thinking of what he heard Cain and his mum joking about in the pub only hours before. They were laughing about Val's son Paul and it was innocent enough but it managed to cripple him back into this mess of a boy.

Paddy sits down on Aaron's bed and gulps. "I didn't realise you were actually -"

Aaron keeps a hand on the glass window and watches as Robert looks up towards him and then disappears into his car.

"We were." Aaron admits, "And I couldn't tell him I love him 'cause I don't know how it's supposed to feel." His skin is prickly and there's something so painfully real about how he speaks.

Paddy is looking at him when Aaron turns around and then he sighs. "Paddy he's gone." He says. "And I'm never going to see him again."

He'd usually lose it. He'd slam things about and kick doors and tried to get as drunk as possible but none of that seems to matter because everything is so cruelly painful and he just wants to hold him.

"Aaron, they'll be other blokes."

Only the thought of that makes him feel sick because he's never going to want anything like this again with anyone else.

Robert's his first everything and now he's his first heartbreak and the thought makes him want to just cry.

"And you'll know you love them. I promise ya." Paddy hovers his hand on Aaron's back and Aaron knows that Paddy and his mum and everyone else can't stand Robert. Not really. So of course they'll want him to find someone else. "But for now, focus on you okay? Focus on - on coming to terms with - with your sexuality and -"

Aaron winces, pulls his knees up towards his chest and shudders. "What does it feel like?" He tilts his head and sniffs. "Tell me what it feels like to love someone?"

Because he's never known it, not someone like Robert, not like that.

Paddy's got this small smile on his face and sighs. "First it's annoying because they make you feel things you don't want to, and then it's like you don't want it to ever go away." Aaron feels something burst in his chest. "When it happens, you'll have absolutely no say over it Aaron. You'll be helpless in this amazing way and my God you'll be grateful. I promise you that, one day, you'll fall in love."

And Aaron,

He suddenly stands. "I need to stop him." He says, pushes at Paddy as he hunts for his purple hoodie.

"Aaron -" Paddy stands as he watches Aaron put his hoodie on. "You said he was going to London?"

Aaron's eyes flicker and he nods his head. "I have to try." He says, chin wobbling and for the first time in his life he's going to get what he wants, fuck how terrifying it all seems.

And Paddy tightens his grip around Aaron and holds him tightly.

"I'm so proud of you." Paddy says sincerely, "And I'll be here whatever happens okay?"

And Aaron's never been so thankful for him in his life.

"Go on, go ask Vic where he's gone." Paddy wipes at his face a little and he's bright red as he watches Aaron run down the stairs.

~*~

The train leaves at half ten and Aaron's an absolute mess as he runs through the station and tries to get to Robert as fast as he can.

He's this sweaty idiot as he tries to remember what platform he had to shake out of a confused Vic and he crosses his fingers against his back as he tries to remember.

"Please." Aaron whispers, and suddenly he sees the sign flick up on the giant board, the train to London is leaving in -

Something almost falls in Aaron's chest as he sees the sign and looks at the time. It's gone and Robert's gone and -

It's this terrible sadness suddenly, and he has to catch his breath against the way he slides down the wall and watches the train keep going out of sight in front of his eyes.

And they water, and he's this mess and it feels like he's lost everything.

He's lost his best mate.

"Aaron?" Robert is standing in front of him though, seconds later and Aaron's mouth hangs open as he struggles to his feet. "What are to doing -"

Aaron wipes at his face. "Your train's just left." He struggles out and Robert holds up his ticket.

Vic's a flipping fool for getting the time wrong.

Aaron could almost chuckle against it if he wasn't so relieved.

"Aaron, please go home." Robert whispers, and he's so clearly hurt that Aaron almost turns away.

But.

"No. Look, Robert, listen to me." He begs suddenly, "I don't want you to go. I don't." Aaron's got tears in his eyes and they water suddenly. "And I'm so sorry, I'm sorry but - I want you to come home with me right now. I do." He tries to hold at Robert's hand and it's stiff and cold in his so he lets go.

"Aaron, we're too young to -"

"To what? Feel this." Aaron slams a hand against his chest and looks at Robert. "I know who I am, I know." He's got tears streaming down his face and Robert makes him cry but it's okay, because he makes him feel so much. "I'm gay."

And the world keeps spinning.

Robert's eyes flicker.

"And when you said what you said, I've never felt that happy before in my *life but - I didn't know why to say back because I'm not used to people giving a damn about me but you do!" Aaron's chin wobbles in this sudden way and he breathes out slowly as Robert looks at him with tears in his eyes. "And I love you for it okay? Robert, I'm in love with you and I know that now. I know I do."

The station is basically deserted as he speaks and his voice seems to race through the building as Robert stares at him.

"You're - you're my first love okay?"

Aaron's whole body tingles and he's this snotty mess of a boy who loves his best friend.

"I love you and - and I know I've got a tonne of stuff to sort out but -"

Robert has tears in his eyes. "I'll - be there for you." He whispers and Aaron catches his breath as he watches Robert blow out a breath and then -

He just breaks into this blinding smile and pressing his lips against Aaron's.

And it's this massive step, kissing in public like this but Aaron's overwhelmed with this feeling because he could have lost Robert. He could have never seen him again and the thought is a crippling one which makes Aaron grip tightly around Robert's body after they kiss.

"I love you too." Robert whispers, and somehow they're this soft couple who just love each other and nothing else matters.

Nothing at all.

Because Robert's bag is dropped against him on the floor and he's holding Aaron in his arms so tightly and Aaron's never felt like this before.

"We'll tell everyone together." Robert says, and Aaron holds at his hand before nodding. "And we'll stay together, no matter what. It's you and me."

Aaron pulls a hand up towards Robert's chest and shudders. "I'll never make you want to go again, I'll - never make you feel like I don't love ya again okay? Because, you know?"

Robert gulps hard. "I know." He says, holds Aaron's face in his hands and kisses his mouth gently.

And they're young and stupid and they're probably going to nearly lose each other a million more times. But they'll always come back to this and Aaron's so startlingly aware of that fact that he almost cries against it.

And then Robert holds his hand, and they walk back to the village, and Aaron's first love gets to be his last.

#rw18 #robron week #robron #robron fics #this is one of my faves for this week :)

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