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sailforvalinor · 2 years ago

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Who doesn't like Edmund??????? HOW can they not like Edmund?????????? He's the best of the Bertrums!!!!

Well, to be fair, being the best of the Bertrams is not too difficult, lol.

But yes, a LOT of people dislike Edmund, like, probably the majority of the Austen community. I agree!!! It’s so frustrating!!!

Like, Darcy insulted Elizabeth’s family to her face and actively separated her sister from the man she loved, Captain Wentworth ignored Anne’s existence and courted other girls in front of her on purpose, Edward was engaged to another woman while courting Elinor, and we give them passes, but we come down so hard on Edmund for *checks notes* letting Mary ride on Fanny’s horse for too long.

Yes yes, obviously there was more to that incident, but the point still stands—Edmund has committed far less grievous mistakes than most Austen heroes, but he’s the most hated. Why is this??

There’s a couple reasons for this, I think: we never get to see him actually in love with Fanny, and, unlike most Austen heroes, he never gets to perform any sort of grand gesture to make amends for his mistakes. We know that he does fall in love with Fanny and that these amends must have been made (especially seeing how quick he is to apologize to Fanny when he realizes he's been neglecting her in other places in the novel), but Austen deliberately chooses to narrate these events without actually giving them to us directly. Admittedly, this frustrates me, but I understand why: Mansfield Park is not a love story. There is a romance in the story, but that isn't what the narrative is fundamentally concerned with--the narrative is fundamentally concerned with Fanny's development and strength of character independent of (you might even say in spite of) the other characters in the novel. Unlike Pride and Prejudice or Emma, Fanny's character development is not incited by the actions of the hero (which, to be clear, I don't have any issue with--Mansfield Park just has a different narrative formula). Fanny overall is what you might call a static character--not in the sense that she is not fleshed-out or well-developed, but in that she does not go through a lot of character change. Rather, instead of her arc being about changing to become a better person, her arc is about her struggle to remain the good person that she is in spite of outside pressure to change to become more like the rest of the world. (For a really good example of a static character arc, look no further than Captain America!) It's not that Fanny doesn't go through any character growth whatsoever, she definitely does, but this growth overall roots her more deeply into what she believed before, rather than inciting change. The more I think about it, actually, the more it seems like Mansfield Park is a typical "Austen" story told from the perspective of the love interest.

It is actually Edmund who goes through the more dynamic character arc that we associate with most protagonists--which is why I've been thinking for ages that a retelling of Mansfield Park from his perspective could be REALLY interesting. Because told from his perspective, Mansfield Park undoubtedly becomes a love story where it did not hold that status previously. And Edmund would make such a great protagonist!!! There is SO MUCH about his character that I find absolutely fascinating. He of course has a very strong moral compass, which is something I've always admired him for, and despite his attraction to Mary and delusion about her character, is never once even tempted to change his profession from a clergyman to earn Mary's love. We really don't give Edmund enough credit for coming out so well-adjusted and morally upright as he did, coming from a family like the Bertram's. He is also fundamentally very kind, but what's so interesting about him is that he is not, though he certainly tries, always the most attentive. He certainly never neglects Fanny on purpose and is horrified when he finds out that he has, but the fact still remains that he is not the most emotionally perceptive (I'm actually very tempted to draw some parallels between him and Catherine Morland here). Edmund possesses a lot of book-smarts, but is somewhat lacking in social intelligence--or, for lack of a better term, street-smarts. I don't know what textual evidence there is to support this, but I've always had the impression that up until the beginning of the novel, Edmund hadn't had much experience mingling in society, given how as soon as he finished college he was brought straight home to manage Sir Bertram's estate while he was away in Antigua. Regardless of whether or not this is actually the case, it's clear that Edmund is a terrible judge of character despite how morally upright he himself is, which is absolutely fascinating to me. (Again! Catherine parallels!!) Fanny makes a direct contrast to Edmund in this regard--she does not possess the same book knowledge or have the advantage of the education that he had, but she is, though unconsciously, the most emotionally intelligent person in the room and the best judge of character in the entire book.

It is this contrast, but with their shared beliefs about the world and what is right and good, that cements my belief in how well-suited they are for each other. Edmund does not challenge Fanny to change, but Fanny's steadfastness of character does motivate Edmund to change--when he realizes that she perceived what sort of person Henry Crawford was all along and that she was right to refuse him, it exposes to him just how blind he is to the character of others. Edmund basically goes through the same sort of arc that Austen's heroines go through, but this time the roles have been reversed! IT'S JUST SO COOL

Anyway, sorry for rambling. TL;DR, I'm not going to try to convince you that Edmund Bertram is on the same level as Mr. Knightley or Mr. Tilney, but PLEASE examine him critically before you write him off as trash, because he really isn't.

#blorbo from my regency novels #sorry this took so long i wanted to be able to give a full reply #i held myself back from giving my take on the edmund x mary shippers because that would've been a LOT #but suffice it to say i hate it given how much mary fundamentally disrespects his profession and therefore his goals in life #could she have changed her mind someday? maybe but it would take a lot of work #fanny is better for him in the end because their beliefs about the world are so aligned and she actually respects him as a person #which is. you know. why she's the one he ended up with #(also i feel like people would be MUCH more offended by her attacking ed's chosen profession if it were literally anything other than him #going into the clergy. just saying)#mansfield park #edmund bertram #fanny price #jane austen #edmund bertram defense squad

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crossedwithblue · 2 years ago

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You're a Mansfield Park fan?

Yes!

IDK if you intended it as such but I am going to take this as a license to ramble about MP on main.

I think the thing about MP is that people (especially people who aren't as quite intense about JA than I am lmao, or who have only read P&P before) often come to it expecting a light-bright-and-sparkling romance like P&P, and are surprised when that isn't the case. Hell, I felt like that too on the first read, because the pop-culture perception of JA is that she was a romance writer first and foremost - but the romantic happy-ever-after is shoehorned into a few paragraphs on the last page or two, and not even shown on the page. MP isn't a romance novel at all - I have minimal English lit knowledge outside of JA, but I'd class it as more of a bildungsroman, maybe? Or a predecessor to those modern Literary Novels all about objectively nasty people being nasty to each other? (More on this in a min) I would very much welcome corrections from people who do know what they're talking about, though!

To me, JA isn't actually a romance writer most of the time. She wrote really good romances because she was really good at characterisation and at understanding and describing how personalities interact to form relationships, and romance is just one type of relationship. It's just the one that pop culture tends to focus on when it comes to JA (I mostly blame Georgette Heyer but of course there's an essay to be written on that too). The only JA novels I'd describe as true romances are P&P, of course, and Persuasion - the rest have romance as just one among many other dynamics as a supporting or side plot, or a tool to reveal characterisation, rather than being the main focus.

Fanny is also a very passive narrator who tends to be acted upon rather than acting herself, which tends to irritate people, but MUCH more on that in a minute.

I think MP is in some ways sort of... cruel. It's certainly the most openly incisive and potentially upsetting, with depictions of complex abusive/toxic family dynamics that could probably come straight out of a domestic/familial abuse/neglect resource. The point where I started to enjoy MP was when someone told me to embrace the schadenfreude - everyone besides Fanny and Edmund (possibly - both points very much up for debate, but they are at least trying their best in the middle of a family that doesn't give a fuck, really) is either an actively terrible person or at least a pretty bad enabler. That did help me find the humour in it, but personally I certainly find it a bit hard to read at times, especially the Mrs Norris scenes. It's not usually my first choice when I want to be cheered up.

This also tends to surprise people, I think, because the pop-culture image of JA, (probably in large part due to her Victorian relatives wanting to protect her posthumous image) is of a twinkly, proper, sweet-natured spinster lady.

Which she was not. Anyone who's seen extracts of her surviving letters knows that she had a biting, frequently uncharitable sense of humour (miscarriage jokes aren't a great look, Jane!) - and we know Cassandra destroyed the really juicy stuff, so that's got to be the tip of the iceberg. This is certainly apparent in all of her books, but can be ignored much of the time - but not in MP, where uncharitable descriptions of awful people are pretty much the core of the book.

Finally, we come to Fanny, the extremely divisive heroine (not least because of that name lol). Personally I tend to imprint on pathetic small girls who need looking after, but Fanny is a massive turnoff (lolol) for many people. I think that's just a personal thing but I enjoy the effect of her frequently becoming another layer through which the narrative filters - JA was a master of free indirect speech, of course, often with deliberate ambiguity about whose POV is being reported - omniscient narrator or character or both in agreement - and if it's a character, then which one? Fanny usually says and does little, but observes very keenly and astutely, which interacts in a really interesting way with the narration.

Also, I'd just like to point out that Fanny is Like That because she is an abuse victim. She may not be the most compelling heroine for everyone, but she isn't going to "just stand up for herself". The one time she does, the Bertrams punish her for it pretty harshly by sending her back to an environment that they know will be bad for her physical health (!)

Bit of a tangent but I am also a huge fan of Jane Eyre and I think there are interesting parallels to be drawn between Fanny and Jane. Jane Eyre is a fiery, independent character who manages to get out of bad situations one way or another, mostly through sheer dumb luck (don't get me wrong I love my girl Jane but How did she leave that parcel on the coach...). If she'd stayed at Gateshead, I could see her gradually getting beaten down until she became a lot more like Fanny - because other than Jane's innate temper, they have quite a bit in common - they both do, when it comes down it, have a very strong sense of self (yes, even Fanny) and the ability to reject things that they know are morally wrong, no matter the potential cost.

That turned into a bit of a defense of MP because I usually hear people dissing it and so that's what I end up thinking about. Lots more to be said on the Crawfords and the Bertrams, of course.

#i havent posted about MP recently so am somewhat curious about how you got here #especially given that there are other more popular bloggers who talk about MP more #but i am never goin g to turn down a ready made excuse to write a mini essay about my Jane Austen Opinions #via shitposts #mansfield park #fanny price defense squad #jane austen #idc if i typed this whole thing out for 0 notes #i will take any excuse to word vomit about JA

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still-bejeweled-and-shining · 1 month ago

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members of the Fanny Price Defense Squad, rejoice!

#fanny price defense squad #mansfield park #jane austen #fanny price #my girl deserves better

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bethanydelleman · 2 years ago

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The thing about Fanny Price is you could put her in any of the extrovert led novels and she'd solve the plot immediately:

"Catherine, that girl Isabella is sus, she's constantly saying things that she does mean. Do not trust her."

"Elizabeth, why did you not inquire further into the conditions on the will? Because that story of Wickham's is sus and he's sus and I really doubt that's the truth."

"Emma, Mr. Elton is flirting with *you*. Frank is sus. That dude is hiding something and I bet he bought that piano."

Fanny's superpowers are sitting quietly in a corner, being suspicious of charm, and listening.

#jane austen #fanny price #fanny price defense squad #she can solve all the plots #pride and prejudice #mansfield park #Northanger Abbey #emma

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bethanydelleman · 2 years ago

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This was a really interesting read OP! I love hearing people's first impressions of Mansfield Park because it is such a different Austen novel. I was totally tricked the first time I read it too, I thought Henry would be the endgame pairing and that he would reform. I was shocked!

I also agree with your idea that the characters lack warmth. I usually say they are fundamentally selfish, but it is so much that lack of warmth. No fire in Fanny's room to warm her body, no real friendship to warm her soul. Is it any wonder that Henry falls in love with her when her brother visits and he sees what she looks like when she's actually full of love and happy? When she's finally warm...

Now I've finished reading Mansfield Park, which I expected to slog through, but instead it held my interest nearly the entire time. The one exception was the long exchange of letters after Fanny goes to Portsmouth. Then I was taking longer to get through each chapter, and the ending, of course, is as Austenian as I could expect.

Mansfield Park doesn't have the charm or wit of other Austen novels. I had put it off because I read that "no one is likable," and I don't usually have a taste for stories where everyone is just bad and miserable. But having read it, I don't think those critics were justified. Mansfield Park isn't about an unlikable group of characters. It's just that they are very flawed. And a lot of real life is hard to like, but you don't have many friends if you will only approve of paragons of virtue.

Is Fanny meant to be the paragon of virtue? was the question running through my mind. Most Austen heroines are not as perfect as they're accused of being - the only one who really fits that description, in my opinion, is Anne Elliot. (And I could go on about why that doesn't bother me at all and that the world of literature deserves an Anne Elliot or two, but back to Fanny.) Fanny confused me for the longest time. I couldn't tell if she was virtuous and pure, or naive and pathetic. I think for most of the novel she's something of both, and what really kept me gripped was feeling desperate to know whether she'd turn out as awful as the rest. It's an Austen novel, I figured there was no way she wouldn't turn out okay, but honestly I was in suspense sometimes lol, as much suspense as you can be when instead of the threat of an ax murderer hiding under the stairs, the threat is winding up rich and bitter.

My final opinion of Fanny is that I like her in a similar way that I like Anne Elliot. There are a couple lines, about the importance of "knowing your mind," and "being guided by what's in your own self," that made me see more strength in Fanny. She is essentially friendless. And she's much younger than Anne, and she's so criticized and taken advantage of, and so without warmth. So many times I thought "if only she had a backbone," and my fear was that Austen would validate her fear and loneliness as the virtue of "female abnegation" :P But although there are the usual Austen morals, she doesn't do that - instead she gives us Susan, who does have pluck and backbone, and makes Fanny admire her for it and wish she'd had some too when she was first sent to Mansfield. And contrasting Mary Crawford with Fanny is what made me like Mary, and worry that Fanny might be the first Austen heroine to really be disappointed in love. If Fanny had some of Mary's liveliness and confidence, maybe Edmund would have noticed her. And if Mary had Fanny's good judgment, maybe she would have had Edmund in the end. I think the contrasting traits in Fanny and Mary Crawford are some of my favorites in Austen novels, because they're so real and developed that I couldn't tell for a while who was going to come out ahead.

Fanny is everything "good" in an Austen heroine, but her flaws are still real. And Mansfield Park doesn't beat around the bush when it comes to how easily she could have wound up a villain instead of a heroine. If Edmund had married Mary, Fanny would probably have married Henry and been miserable, because despite all the blabber about "she would have fixed him," I think he would have gone right on cheating and breaking her heart. Austen had more faith in Henry Crawford than I do, lol.

As for the rest of the cast, apart from Mrs Norris, I don't think anyone is hateful. But they don't have warmth, they don't have real affection. That is palpable in the novel and reminded me over and over how much I wished Fanny had a friend. When William appeared, I braced myself for his betrayal - but although he's not around much, he ended up being her true friend. I could almost wish he wasn't her brother because he treated her much better than Edmund did. William knew how to show love. If he had been brought to Mansfield Park when Fanny was, maybe Fanny would not have fallen in love with Edmund, because she would have already had a best friend who could definitely never become a romantic option.

But although the lack of warmth is so terrible, that's what I mean when I say the novel is real. I think the lack of concern for their so-called loved ones the characters show, as well as the biases and prejudices that are inconvenient for them to shed, are exactly how many families really are. Taking each other for granted, seeing each other how you wish to, and being mostly concerned about whether or not someone is useful to you personally. It sounds cynical, and there are many loving, caring families who are nowhere near as selfish as the Bertrams or the Crawfords or even the Prices. But there are many which are. And I like the way the novel made it felt. Rather than make the abuse obvious through violence and threats, the coldness is covered up by decorum, which makes it even more insidious and long-lasting. I was really sad, just deeply sad for Fanny in many places, every time I wished she had someone who would listen to her and side with her the way everyone else expected her to do for them. I'm nowhere near as virtuous as Fanny, but I know how much it sucks to bite your tongue over and over, and when you finally tell the truth, to be told that you don't know your own feelings, or you're just too ignorant to understand what you should feel, or that your judgments are wrong because it's currently convenient to the other person that they should be wrong. Sometimes I was identifying so much with Fanny that I had to stop reading. It's not gaslighting - that term is too strong. But it is inconsiderate. I was lucky because I always had a listener in my mom. She may not always understand me, but she listens and respects me. I never have to worry that what I say may set her off the way I did with my dad and brother. Lately my dad's been much better with me, which I truly appreciate - but I also can't forget him telling me that I shouldn't be insulted that he thinks opinions like mine are "stupid, because "I know you're smart enough to one day agree with me!"

Which, weirdly, brings me to Edmund... I was on the fence about him the whole time. At first he seemed like he WAS Fanny's friend, the kind older brother figure who cared about her happiness. After a while I started to suspect that he was more about the appearance of charity than about really being kind. I suspected him of betraying me and becoming exactly the kind of clergyman Mary denigrated. But other times he would do or say something that made me change my mind, and decide that he's not fake, he's just flawed. Being flawed is much better than being fake. My number one issue with him was when Fanny turned down Henry's proposal, and Edmund, despite saying he wouldn't try to sway Fanny's feelings, winds up doing just that - because it's convenient for him to think of the Crawfords as good people, because the theater debacle was embarrassing to think back on, and because he admires Fanny's judgment, so if she judges Henry Crawford good enough to marry, he'd no longer need to have scruples about marrying Mary. It was the most selfish he ever was with regard to Fanny. It really made me feel he could never love her, and even opened me up to the idea that Henry might, actually, be Fanny's endgame match, lol. Because Henry seemed to notice all the things no one else did about how lonely and uncared for Fanny was, and even to encourage her to find her voice. It was literally Fanny pointed out that how could she trust a man who had taken advantage of the feelings of not one but two of her cousins before immediately redirecting his flirting on her to make me realize "no way, it's definitely going to be Edmund, lol."

Henry's better than Wickham, but not by a lot. Edmund, however, is a far cry from Mr Darcy. I wish very much that Mansfield Park ended in some way to make me like Edmund better, because right now the best I can say about him is that he's not as silly as his siblings, and he is at least capable of real love. It's hard to hear the wedding bells because as far as I can see, the Edmund Fanny loves is his childhood self, and the grown up version hasn't really done much to deserve her. He's more commendable for not doing things to not deserve her, lol. Their relationship is probably the least romantic of any in Austen's novels, imo. Fanny really loved him, and there was a lot of romantic pain in watching him fall for someone else. But by the time he finally sees Fanny, the novel is over... xD This is not a criticism though... I was really intrigued to find out how each character would turn out in the end. And the only thing I'll say which is sort of disappointing is that everything turned out how I predicted it in the beginning, aka like an Austen novel. But even though the Crawfords and Edmund didn't develop more as characters, I still appreciate how much complexity they add. Like, they made me guess about an Austen novel, haha. And in retrospect I shouldn't have, because I knew the finale from the curtain rise. But still. They made me guess. They almost, almost made me believe Mary would be rehabilitated and Fanny would give in to poor judgment. Hehe.

If anything, I appreciate this novel for food for thought, ie imagining all the different stories it could have been. I like that one way of life, the rich, performative lifestyles of Mansfield Park, is shown warts and all - and then we're taken down to Portsmouth only to find it's warty in similar ways, just with less polish. It makes you a little more sympathetic to mercenary marriage vows. Like, if I'm going to be miserable, I might as well be miserable in comfort, haha. But of course the novel doesn't posit that either. If Fanny had gone to Portsmouth and found her family humble but full of love and wisdom, there'd be a completely different outcome. Or if she went to Portsmouth, realized how much better things were at Mansfield, went back and informed readers that she had been overly sensitive thus far and actually everyone in Mansfield was so kind, and Mrs Norris just misunderstood - then again we'd have a totally different outcome. We get neither. It's just the world the way it is. Being poor comes with challenges and being rich comes with advantages. But happiness isn't a guarantee either way.

Well, I liked Mansfield Park much more than I was expecting to. I'm really shocked by how invested I got when at first I really thought Fanny might be the Austen heroine to finally make me say "enough is enough!" But Austen is too good, I can't hate her characters at all. She's able to give so much depth, or at least familiarity, to every one of them that they're just too human for something as base as hate. I even gave up wishing Fanny would find her voice and just wished she'd find a friend. And in the end, I'd say that IS what she got, even more than a husband - the friendship of her brother and sister and even Sir Thomas, as well as the loss of the anti-friend Mrs Norris. If any Austen heroine ever suffered so much for being alone, it's Fanny Price. That to me is the real source of her final happiness. And since Austen nearly always gives her heroines a sister or a best friend or some trusted confidante, the lack of one in Mansfield Park has to be intentional, and so I don't think Austen would disagree with me.

#Mansfield park #long post #welcome to the fanny defense squad #we need you over here #she's got a lot of enemies #fanny price #fanny price defense squad #edmund bertram #first time reader #jane austen

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fanny-price-defense-squad · 3 months ago

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I’ve always heard that the entire fandom hates her, so I’m pretty pleased with the top results from searching “fanny price” on r/janeausten

Fanny:

#about #fanny price defense squad #mansfield park #.

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leafsbabe · 2 years ago

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Do you have a link to the interview with Brady, matthew, and their dad and it is asked who will get married first?

the full 4 minute or so interview is on tumblr somewhere but here’s the part about the marriage

#matthew tkachuk #brady tkachuk #keith tkachuk #leafsbabe bullshit

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sofiamantegafan110 · 1 year ago

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NEW X-MEN EPISODE 5

AFTER A HUGE HIATUS, THE NEW X-MEN ARE BACK!!!!

EPISODE 5- X-POSED

WE OPEN UP IN CLARICE AND LAURIE’S ROOM AS SOFIA AND CLARICE RELAX IN BED. CLARICE TELLS SOFIA THAT IT’S ONLY FOR TWO DAYS, AND SOFIA SAYS THAT SHE’S JUST CONCERNED. SHE WANTS CLARICE IN HER CORNER WHEN SHE DECIDES TO FIND OUT WHAT KEVIN’S PLANNING. SHE KNOWS EMMA FROST IS GIVING KEVIN SPECIAL TREATMENT LIKE MONET AND ALANI AND SHE’S BETTING IT WILL END IN DISASTER.

CLARICE: SOFIA, HONEY, ULTRACON IS ONLY ONCE A YEAR, AND MORPH AND TJ HAVE BEEN THERE BEFORE. IT’LL JUST BE TWO DAYS WITH THEM AND CESSILY AND WHEN I GET BACK, WE’LL TALK TO KEVIN, OR HAVE SEX, OR BINGE-WATCH AS MANY EPISODES OF TOTAL DRAMA UNTIL OUR EYEBALLS FALL OUT. BUT I’VE NEVER BEEN TO A CONVENTION BEFORE AND…

LAURIE: I’M LITERALLY RIGHT HERE.

THE GIRLS LOOK OVER AT LAURIE AS SHE WALKS INTO THE ROOM. SOFIA SMILES AT LAURIE AND WISHES HER GOOD LUCK ON HER DATE WITH JOSH. LAURIE SMILES BACK, SAYING THAT JOSH HAS BEEN A BIT FLAKY RIGHT NOW, BUT HE’S SO NICE TO HER. CLARICE GETS OUT OF BED AND TELLS LAURIE THAT SHE’LL BE BACK IN TWO DAYS. LAURIE NODS AND GIVES THE TWO GIRLS SOME PRIVACY WHILE SOFIA SAYS THAT YOU CAN NEVER HAVE ENOUGH TOTAL DRAMA. SHE CHECKS HER PHONE BRIEFLY AS SHE WALKS DOWN THE HALLWAY AND DELETES A FEW TEXTS FROM KEVIN.

CUE INTRO AND CREDITS

THE CAMERA CUTS TO JOSH EXITING THE BATHROOM. HIS PHONE PINGS AND HE SEES A TEXT FROM AN UNKNOWN CONTACT SAYING ‘TWENTY-FOUR HOURS LEFT. MAKE YOUR DECISION. EITHER YOU DUMP LAURIE OR I TELL EVERYONE WHAT YOU DID.’ JOSH FROWNS AND FIRES BACK A ‘GO FUCK YOURSELF, FORD.’ BEFORE JOINING HIS SQUAD ON THE WAY TO THE DANGER ROOM.

MEANWHILE, CLARICE AND CESSILY ADMIRE THEMSELVES IN CESSILY AND SOFIA’S BATHROOM. CLARICE’S HAIR HAS BEEN CUT SHORT AND SLIGHTLY WAVY AS SHE DRESSES IN A BLACK LATEX SUIT THAT LEAVES HER THIGHS EXPOSED. SHE ALSO HAS BLUE TATTOOS ON HER FACE AND KNEE-HIGH BOOTS. MEANWHILE, CESSILY IS DRESSED AS CRAZY JANE, FROM DOOM PATROL, WHICH SHE SAYS IS HER NEW FAVORITE SHOW. SHE THEN SAYS THAT CLARICE LOOKS GOOD WITH SHORT HAIR, WHICH CLARICE SMILES AT.

CESSILY: I STILL CAN’T BELIEVE WE’RE GOING TO ULTRACON! IT WAS SO NICE OF MORPH AND TJ TO LET US COME WITH THEM.

AS IF ON CUE, TJ AND MORPH ENTER. TJ IS DECKED IN A HARLEY QUINN COSTUME WHILE MORPH HAS A CURVACEOUS FEMININE FIGURE, BIG RED LIPS, EQUALLY BIG BREASTS, LONG BLONDE HAIR, AND A SEXY DRESS. CLARICE FROWNS AND ASKS MORPH IF HE’S AUDITIONING FOR RUPAUL’S DRAG RACE, WHILE HE SAYS THAT HE’S DRESSED AS LORD FANNY, FROM GRANT MORRISON’S AWARD-WINNING SERIES THE INVISIBLES.

MORPH: WHO ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE? A SCI-FI HOOKER?

CLARICE: DUH! I’M HALFPIPE, FROM THE GODKILLER SERIES. DO YOU GUYS REALLY NOT REMEMBER? TEEJ, WE WATCHED THE MOVIE A WEEK AGO AND READ ALL THE COMICS.

TJ: HEY, I KNOW WHO YOU ARE. YOU LOOK GOOD. YOU TOO, CRAZY CESSILY.

CESSILY: AW, THANKS.

WITH THAT, TALIA ASKS IF THEY’RE ALL PREPPED AND READY, AND THEY NOD. SHE THEN ASKS CLARICE IF SHE REMEMBERED TO BOOK A ROOM AND CLARICE REALIZES THAT SHE FORGOT TO BOOK ONE WITH TWO BEDS. TJ SIGHS AND SAYS THAT SHE AND MORPH WILL SLEEP ON THE FLOOR. MORPH GROANS, DISAPPOINTED.

CLARICE: OKAY, BUT WHEN WE GET TO THE HOTEL, WE’RE WATCHING GODKILLER SO THAT YOU GUYS WILL REMEMBER WHO I AM. NOW C’MON!

MEANWHILE, XUAN WATCHES FROM THE CONTROL ROOM AS HER SQUAD BATTLES PURIFIERS IN THE DANGER ROOM. MEGAN IS CURRENTLY IN THE AIR WHILE SOORAYA, BRIAN AND LAURIE ARE RUNNING DEFENSE. ROXY AND VIC ARE RUNNING OFFENSE WHILE JOSH IS ON THE SIDELINES. AND THEY’RE NOT DOING WELL. ROXY GROANS AS SHE FIRES CRYSTAL JAVELINS AT A PURIFIER AND RECEIVES A HIT TO THE FACE. SOORAYA DODGES AN ATTACK FROM A PURIFIER AS VIC ANNOUNCES THAT THEY’RE GETTING THEIR BUTTS WHOOPED.

LAURIE: I KNOW! WE GOTTA DO SOMETHING!

MEGAN SQUEAKS AS SHE DODGES BULLETS AND FLUTTERS HER WINGS, SHAKING SOME DUST LOOSE. LAURIE NOTICES THAT AND CALLS OUT TO ROXY THAT THEY NEED TO DO OPERATION DUST STORM. ROXY NODS AND THEN TELLS SOORAYA THAT SHE’S UP. THE BURKA-CLAD GIRL GOES INTO SAND FORM AND WRAPS AROUND THE PURIFIERS IN A SAND TORNADO. MEGAN GRINS AND THEN RELEASES SOME DUST THAT MIXES WITH THE TORNADO AND CAUSES THE PURIFIERS TO HALLUCINATE.

ROXY: ANOLE! GET IN THERE! TAG, WALLFLOWER, GET MORE PURIFIERS INTO THAT TORNADO!

VIC: AYE-AYE, CAP’N!

WITH THAT, VIC RUSHES INTO THE TORNADO WITH ROXY AND THEY ATTACK THE BLINDED AND HALLUCINATING OPPONENTS. BRIAN THEN TAGS HIMSELF WHILE LAURIE RELEASES SOME FEAR PHEROMONES AND THEY’RE ABLE TO HERD THE REMAINING PURIFIERS INTO THE SANDSTORM. FINALLY, THE STORM CLEARS AND ROXY AND VIC HIGH-FIVE.

XUAN: WAY TO GO, GUYS! NICE WORK ON THE SANDSTORM!

JOSH: YUP! AND IT WAS MY GIRLFRIEND WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA!

LAURIE: THANKS, JOSH!

ROXY GRINS AND SAYS THAT THE TWO OF THEM ARE PRETTY TIGHT. LAURIE NODS AND EMBRACES JOSH AS HE GIVES HER A LIGHT SMILE.

MEANWHILE, CESSILY, CLARICE, TJ, AND MORPH ARE DRIVING IN DANI’S RV. TJ IS IN THE DRIVER’S SEAT WHILE CLARICE IS SMOKING WEED IN THE PASSENGER SEAT. CESSILY TELLS TJ TO TAKE A LEFT WHILE LOOKING AT A MAP, WHICH SHE EVENTUALLY GETS FRUSTRATED WITH. SHE THEN CRUMPLES THE MAP UP AND THROWS IT OUT THE WINDOW WHILE MORPH LAUGHS. ‘SAY SO’ BY DOJA CAT PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.

TJ: TOLD YOU TO JUST USE SIRI. ANYWAY, WHAT’S THE WORD ON THE WHACKY WEED ON THIS SUNNY SUNDAY MORNING, SWEET CLARICE?

MORPH *SHAPESHIFTING INTO A PALE-SKINNED JAMAICAN MAN*: DE MIDWEST SAY SWEET CLARICE, SHE GOT SOME RASTA SHIT, OH MY SWEET CLARICE, PASS YA BRUDDAS A HIT!

CLARICE SMOKES SOME MORE AND SAYS THAT THIS SHIT’S THE REAL DEAL, BEFORE WAVING HER CIGARETTE IN TJ’S FACE. TJ LAUGHS AND TELLS CLARICE THAT SHE NEEDS TO FOCUS ON THE ROAD WHILE CESSILY AND MORPH LAUGH.

CESSILY: TELL THE JOKE AGAIN, CLARICE. I DON’T GET IT. WHO HAD THE CAKE?

CLARICE: CHRIST, BITCH, PAY ATTENTION THIS TIME! OKAY, THERE WAS A BOY NAMED EARL WHO WALKED IN ON HIS GRANDPARENTS HAVING SEX. LIKE YOU DID WITH ME AND SOFIA THAT ONE TIME…

CESSILY: I FUCKIN’ SAID I WAS SORRY!

CLARICE: ANYWAY, EARL SAYS “GRANDMA! WHAT’CHA DOING?!” AND GRANDMA SAYS “WE’RE JUST BAKIN’ A CAKE.” SO A FEW DAYS LATER, EARL SAYS “GRANDMA, WAS YOU AND GRANDPA BAKING A CAKE LAST NIGHT?” AND GRANDMA SAYS “AS A MATTER OF FACT, WE WAS. HOW’D YOU KNOW?” AND EARL SAYS “CUZ I JUST LICKED SOME FROSTING OFF THE COUCH.” HAHA!

CESSILY: I STILL DON’T GET IT. WHAT FROSTING? WHERE’D IT COME FROM?

CLARICE: THE OLD MAN’S DICK! THE OLD BASTARD’S JIZZ WAS THE FROSTING! JESUS CHRIST CESS!

MORPH AND TJ LAUGH AS CESSILY ASKS IF THEY’RE STOKED FOR ULTRACON. CLARICE NODS AND SAYS THAT IT’S TOO BAD SOFIA DIDN’T WANT TO COME. WHEN MORPH ASKS WHY, CLARICE SAYS THAT SHE’S BEEN REALLY HUNG UP ON TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT’S UP WITH KEVIN FORD, AND SHE WONDERS WHAT SOFIA THINKS HE’S UP TO.

LATER, KEVIN WALKS OUT OF HIS ROOM AND WALKS OVER TO A DOOR THAT HAS THE WORDS ‘THE XAVIER’S GAZETTE’ ON IT. HE KNOCKS ON THE DOOR BEFORE OPENING IT, REVEALING A BLONDE BOY WITH EYES ALL OVER HIS BODY WHO GREETS HIM. KEVIN GIVES TREVOR HAWKINS A SMILE AND ASKS HIM HOW BUSINESS IS GOING AND TREVOR TELLS HIM THAT HE’S HAVING A BIT OF WRITER’S BLOCK. SO FAR, IN HIS LATEST ARTICLE, HIS TOP STORIES ARE MELODY GUTHRIE’S BREAKUP WITH ANDY STRUCKER AND ZZ PHALEN’S NEW CONCERT. HE’S RUNNING OUT OF INSPIRATION AND SOURCES.

KEVIN: ACTUALLY, TREVOR, I THINK I MIGHT BE OF ASSISTANCE. I GOT A STORY FOR YOU, AND IT’S A DOOZY…

KEVIN WALKS INTO THE ROOM AND CLOSES THE DOOR BEHIND HIM.

THE NEXT DAY, WE CUT OVER TO A MOTEL ROOM WHERE CLARICE AND CESSILY ARE SLEEPING IN THE BED WHILE TJ IS ASLEEP IN THE SLEEPING BAG TO THE LEFT. THE SLEEPING BAG ON THE RIGHT IS EMPTY, AND MORPH CAN BE HEARD IN THE BATHROOM SINGING IN HIS JAMAICAN ACCENT WHILE GRUNTING.

MORPH: *IN HIS JAMAICAN ACCENT* DE GOOD LAWD CAME TO ME ONE DAY, HE TOLD ME TO LIVE A RIGHTEOUS WAY, SO I DON’ CARE WHAT DE WHITE MAN SAY, SANTA CLAUS IS *GRUNTS* A BLACK MAN.

EVENTUALLY, CESSILY SHOOTS UP IN BED AND ANNOUNCES THAT IT’S TIME FOR THE CON. SHE EXCITEDLY SHAKES CLARICE, WHO GROANS AND THREATENS TO FART ON HER. CESSILY THEN PULLS OFF THE BLANKET AND STARTS LIGHTLY KICKING TJ.

CESSILY: CONCONCONCONCON TALIA! WE’RE LATE!!!

WITH THAT, SHE JUMPS OUT OF BED AND DASHES TO THE BATHROOM, SAYING THAT THEY BETTER BE CHANGED WHEN SHE COMES BACK, BEFORE SCREAMING AT MORPH WHEN SHE OPENS THE BATHROOM DOOR. SHE THEN TELLS HIM NOT TO DO ‘THAT’ IN THE BATHROOM AND CLARICE AND TJ GIGGLE.

MEANWHILE, IN THE LOUNGE, SOFIA, LAURA, JOSH, AND JULIAN ARE TALKING WHEN SOFIA’S PHONE VIBRATES AND ‘WAP’ STARTS PLAYING. SHE INFORMS THEM THAT SHE GOT A NEW NOTIFICATION FOR THE XAVIER’S GAZETTE AND PULLS OUT HER PHONE TO READ THE HEADLINE. SUDDENLY, HER FACE GOES WHITE WITH SHOCK AND SHE LOOKS AT JOSH, SAYING THAT HE NEEDS TO SEE THIS. SHE THEN SHOWS HIM HER PHONE.

HEADLINE: FORBIDDEN LOVE TRIANGLE AT XAVIER’S! JOSH FOLEY ACCUSED OF BEING A TWO-TIMER! TREVOR HAWKINS HERE WITH A SHOCKING NEW SCOOP FROM AN ANONYMOUS SOURCE! JOSH FOLEY, AKA ELIXIR, THE SCHOOL’S RESIDENT GOLDEN BOY, IS RUMORED TO HAVE BEEN IN A SUMMER ROMANCE WITH RAHNE SINCLAIR; FORMER BIO T.A. AND XAVIER’S ALUM. ACCORDING TO MY ANONYMOUS SOURCE, JOSH CONTINUED A LONG-DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP WITH SINCLAIR WHEN SHE LEFT THE SCHOOL, DESPITE STARTING A ROMANCE WITH HIS TEAMMATE, LAURIE COLLINS. ARE THESE RUMORS TRUE? STAY TUNED TO FIND OUT, AND REMEMBER, THE EYES HAVE IT!

JOSH STARES AT THE PHONE, BUG-EYED AND LAURA ELBOWS JULIAN BEFORE HE CAN MAKE A LEWD REMARK. SOFIA AND JOSH QUICKLY STAND UP AND SOFIA ASKS JOSH IF THIS IS TRUE, WHICH HE REFUSES. HE THEN DECIDES TO TRY AND FIND LAURIE BEFORE SHE CAN FIND OUT, BUT HE THEN SEES LAURIE STARING AT HER PHONE BEFORE LOOKING AT JOSH AND RUNNING AWAY IN TEARS. JOSH IMMEDIATELY RUNS AFTER HER, AS SOFIA LOOKS ON, WONDERING HOW THIS COULD HAVE HAPPENED.

MEANWHILE, CESSILY, CLARICE, MORPH, AND TJ ARRIVE AT ULTRACON IN THEIR COSTUMES. THEY WALK AROUND, EXCITED, AS THEY WATCH COSPLAYERS MOVE THROUGHOUT THE CON. CLARICE SNAPS A PICTURE, EXCITED, AS TJ SAYS THAT IT NEVER CEASES TO AMAZE. SUDDENLY, CESSILY IS CALLED OVER BY FIVE TEENS WHO ARE DRESSED AS CHARACTERS FROM DOOM PATROL, AND SHE COMPLIMENTS THEIR COSTUMES.

ROBOTMAN COSPLAYER: THANKS! YOU LOOK COOL TOO!

MADAME ROUGE COSPLAYER: OUR JANE BAILED ON US AND WE NEED A TEAM PICTURE. YOU MIND STANDING IN FOR HER?

CESSILY: OF COURSE!

NEGATIVE MAN COSPLAYER: THANKS!

WITH THAT, CLARICE GETS HER PHONE OUT WHILE THE ELASTI-WOMAN COSPLAYER GIVES HER PHONE TO TJ TO TAKE THE PICTURE. CLARICE THEN TELLS THEM TO SAY ‘DOOMIES!’ BEFORE SHE AND TJ TAKE THE PICTURE, AND THE CYBORG COSPLAYER THANKS THEM. AS THEY WALK OFF, CESSILY SAYS THAT SHE THINKS THAT THE ELASTI-WOMAN WAS A MUTANT, AND SO WERE THE ROBOTMAN AND MADAME ROUGE COSPLAYERS. TJ SAYS THAT IT MAKES SENSE, SINCE HERE, MUTANTS FIT IN ALONGSIDE PEOPLE WHO USUALLY SEEM LIKE WEIRDOS. CLARICE SMILES AND TELLS THEM THAT IT’S TIME TO GET THEIR CON ON AND THEY ALL CHEER.

WE THEN BEGIN A MONTAGE AS THEY EXPLORE THE CON WHILE ‘BEST DAY OF MY LIFE’ BY AMERICAN AUTHORS PLAYS. DURING THAT, WE SEE TJ POSING FOR A SELFIE WITH SOMEONE DRESSED AS POISON IVY, MORPH LOOKS AT HIS PHONE FOR THE MAP, AND THE GROUP ENTERS THE SHOPPING AREA WITH EXCITEMENT. WE THEN SEE CLARICE BUYING A PRIDE T-SHIRT, MORPH BUYING A SAGA FUNKO POP, CESSILY GETTING HER COPY OF ZOMBIE TRAMP SIGNED BY AN UNSEEN ARTIST, AMONG OTHER THINGS.

MEANWHILE, JOSH FINDS LAURIE CRYING BY THE LAKE, AND HE TRIES TO ASSURE HER THAT IT’S NOT WHAT SHE THINKS. LAURIE TELLS HIM TO SHOVE IT, SAYING THAT SHE’S BEEN CRUSHING ON HIM FOR SO LONG AND SHE’S BEEN WORRIED THAT HE WOULDN’T HAVE LIKED HER WITHOUT HER POWERS, BUT WHEN SHE FINALLY ASKS HIM OUT, SHE FINDS OUT THAT HE’S BEEN CHEATING ON HER, AND SHE REFUSES TO BELIEVE ANYTHING ELSE HE SAYS.

JOSH: LAURIE, THAT ARTICLE WAS FAKED. RAHNE BROKE UP WITH ME BEFORE THE DANCE! HELL, IT WAS EVEN BEFORE JAY TRIED TO SET US UP! I LOVE YOU, LAURIE! I PROMISE!

LAURIE: GO AWAY, JOSH.

JOSH: LAURIE, PLEASE, YOU GOTTA BELIEVE ME!

LAURIE: I SAID… GO AWAY!

SUDDENLY, A YELLOW ESSENCE RISES FROM LAURIE’S BODY AND HER EYES GLOW YELLOW. JOSH LOOKS AT HER IN FEAR BEFORE RUNNING AWAY, LEAVING LAURIE ALL ALONE. EVENTUALLY, JOSH RUNS INTO THE GARDEN BEFORE COLLAPSING, OUT OF BREATH. SOFIA WALKS UP TO HIM AND ASKS HIM IF SHE TOOK IT WELL.

JOSH: SHE’S STILL ANGRY. SHE USED HER FEAR PHEROMONES ON ME. I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW SHE COULD DO THAT. UGH, I’M IN DEEP SHIT. SOFIA, WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

ROXY WALKS UP TO JOSH AND TELLS HIM THAT IT’S OKAY. SHE TRUSTS HIM AS A TEAMMATE AND A FRIEND AND WHEN JOSH ASKS WHAT THEY SHOULD DO NOW, SOFIA SAYS THAT THEY SHOULD HIDE BEFORE SOMEONE FINDS THEM. WITH THAT, THEY WALK AWAY, KEVIN WATCHING IN SECRET. SUDDENLY, A HAND GRABS KEVIN’S ARM AND HE TURNS AROUND TO SEE MONET AND ALANI GLARING AT HIM.

MONET: WHAT THE FUCK, FORD?

KEVIN: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

MONET: I KNOW YOU LIED TO TREVOR. THAT WAS WAY OUT OF LINE.

ALANI: YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE DONE THAT, KEV. YOU HUMILIATED JOSH AND LAURIE IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE SCHOOL. THAT’S NOT WHAT WE DO.

KEVIN: RIGHT. INSTEAD, WE TRY TO MAKE PEOPLE JEALOUS AT DANCES AND TRY TO FUCK SOMEONE IN THE ASTRAL PLANE. YOU GUYS ARE SUCH HYPOCRITES! YOU’RE JUST AS GUILTY AS ME!

MONET: WE’VE OWNED UP TO OUR MISTAKES. WE KNOW WHAT WE DID WAS WRONG, AND YOU… YOU DON’T FEEL BAD, DO YOU?

KEVIN: OF COURSE NOT! I’VE KNOWN LAURIE LONGER THAN HIM! I’VE ALWAYS LOVED HER! HE DOESN’T DESERVE SOMEONE LIKE HER, BUT SHE’D NEVER GO FOR SOMEONE LIKE ME! SOMEONE WHO CAN’T ACT ON THEIR FEELINGS! SO WHAT IF I LIED? AS LONG AS I TAUGHT HIM A LESSON, I DON’T CARE! SHE BELONGS WITH ME! YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE ME!

ALANI: KEVIN, WE DO. WE CAN HELP YOU.

KEVIN: GO FUCK YOURSELVES IN THE FACE. I DON’T NEED YOUR HELP.

MONET: FORD, IF YOU WALK AWAY, YOU’RE OFF THE TEAM. I MEAN IT. YOUR TIME WITH THE HELLIONS WILL BE OVER. YOU’LL BE A PATHETIC LOSER AND A BULLY JUST LIKE YOU ALWAYS WERE.

KEVIN: CHOKE ON A SANDPAPER COCK, ST. CROIX. I DON’T NEED YOU OR ANYONE ELSE.

WITH THAT, KEVIN WALKS OFF AND ALANI TURNS TO A FURIOUS MONET, A WORRIED LOOK ON HER FACE. SHE ASKS MONET WHAT THEY SHOULD DO NOW, AND SHE TELLS ALANI THAT SHE HEARD HIM; HE’S ON HIS OWN.

MEANWHILE, JOSH, SOFIA, AND ROXY ENTER ROXY AND MEGAN’S ROOM. SOFIA LAYS DOWN ON MEGAN’S BED WHILE JOSH WRINGS HIS HANDS IN DESPAIR. ROXY ASSURES HIM THAT SHE KNOWS HE DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG, BUT JOSH IS UPSET OVER THE FACT THAT LAURIE HATES HIM NOW. SOFIA TELLS HIM THAT IT’S OKAY. THEY BELIEVE HIM AND SOON, EVERYONE ELSE WILL TOO. BUT FIRST, THEY NEED TO KNOW WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

SUDDENLY, A POUNDING SOUND IS HEARD AND ROXY CURSES, SAYING THAT SHE THOUGHT SHE SAW SOMEONE FOLLOWING THEM. SHE GOES TO THE DOOR, BUT NO ONE IS THERE. SHE THEN TURNS AROUND AND SEES MEGAN KNOCKING AT THE WINDOWSILL, TELLING ROXY TO LET HER IN.

SOFIA: HOW LONG BEFORE SHE REALIZES IT’S NOT A DOOR?

ROXY: THIS WOULDN’T BE THE FIRST TIME.

MEGAN: *MUFFLED* LET ME IN! A CAT WITH A SUSPICIOUSLY HUMAN FACE IS LOOKING AT ME!

MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE CON, CESSILY IS BROWSING THROUGH SOME HALF-PRICE GRAPHIC NOVELS WHEN SHE BUMPS INTO A REDHEADED GIRL IN A PINK COSTUME WITH A SKIRT, BOOTS AND A MASK. THE GIRL APOLOGIZES AND INTRODUCES HERSELF AS PANDORA AND SHE COMPLIMENTS CESSILY’S COSTUME. CESSILY SMILES AND ASKS WHAT SHE’S DRESSED AS AND PANDORA TELLS HER THAT SHE’S DRESSED AS HER OWN ORIGINAL SUPERHERO, THE IMP. CESSILY COMPLIMENTS HER OUTFIT AND ASKS HER IF THIS IS HER FIRST CONVENTION.

PANDORA: YEAH. ME AND MY TWIN BROTHER LOVE COMICS BUT WE’VE HARDLY EVER GONE UNTIL NOW. RORY’S A BIT OF A SUPERHERO NUT, SO I CAME UP WITH MY COSTUME WHEN HE DECIDED TO GO ORIGINAL TOO.

CESSILY: YOU LOOK AWESOME. HOPE YOU HAVE FUN.

WITH THAT, CESSILY WALKS OFF, WITH PANDORA WATCHING HER WITH INTRIGUE. THE CLERK AT THE BOOTH, A REDHEAD NAMED SAMANTHA, ASKS PANDORA WHO SHE WAS TALKING TO, AND SHE TELLS HER THAT SHE’S SOMEONE THEY MIGHT CONSIDER CHECKING ON FROM TIME TO TIME.

MEANWHILE, JOSH SITS IN AN OFFICE CHAIR WHILE ROXY AND SOFIA SIT ON ROXY’S BED, OBSERVING. MEGAN IS SITTING ON HER BED, PAYING ATTENTION WHILE SNUGGLING WITH ONE OF HER STUFFED ANIMALS, MISTER DOGBEAR.

MEGAN: SO, YOU AND MISS SINCLAIR WERE SECRET LOVERS, INDULGING AND REVELING IN YOUR SECRET SIN.

JOSH: NO! WE HAD A NOTHING RESEMBLING SEX RULE. A NO-SEX RULE.

ROXY: WE GET IT. NOW, START FROM THE BEGINNING.

JOSH THEN PROCEEDS TO TELL THEM HOW HE HARDLY FIT IN WHEN HE ARRIVED AT XAVIER’S OVER THE SUMMER. BEFORE HE FOUND OUT HE WAS A MUTANT, HE WAS A PART OF A GROUP OF MUTANT HUNTERS CALLED THE REAVERS, WHICH GAVE HIM A LOT OF FLAK AMONG THE STUDENTS. BUT EVENTUALLY, HE FOUND A KINDRED SPIRIT IN RAHNE SINCLAIR, WHO WAS GOING THROUGH A LOT OF STUFF AT THAT TIME. THEY STARTED DATING IN SECRET EVEN THROUGH SHE SIGNED ON AS A TEACHER’S ASSISTANT, BUT SHE STARTED TO FEEL LIKE WHAT THEY WERE DOING WAS WRONG, SO SHE BROKE UP WITH HIM BEFORE LEAVING THE SCHOOL. JOSH WAS DEPRESSED FOR A WHILE UNTIL HE MET LAURIE AND HE REALIZED THAT SHE WAS THE ONE FOR HIM.

SOFIA: SO SHE DUMPED YOU BEFORE YOU MET LAURIE?

JOSH: YEAH. I… I DIDN’T WANT TO TELL HER WHAT HAPPENED BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT HER TO FEEL LIKE A BOOBY PRIZE OR A REBOUND. I LOVE LAURIE. MORE THAN ANYTHING.

ROXY NODS, AND TELLS JOSH THAT IT WOULD HELP THEM OUT IF HE COULD TELL THEM IF HE KNOWS WHO SENT THE TIP TO THE GAZETTE. JOSH SAYS THAT HE CAN’T TELL THEM AND DESPITE THEIR PROTESTS, HE INSISTS THAT HE CAN’T. HE LOVES LAURIE, BUT HE REALLY CAN’T TELL THEM WHO SENT THE TIP.

SOFIA: MAYBE YOU CAN’T, BUT I KNOW WHO CAN. COME ON, ROXY!

AS SOFIA AND ROXY LEAVE THE ROOM, ROXY ASKS HER WHO SHE THINKS CAN HELP THEM. SOFIA SAYS THAT FIRST, THEY NEED SOME KIND OF LIE DETECTOR, AND THEN, THEY NEED TO DRESS IN SOME STEALTH CLOTHES. ROXY ASKS HER AGAIN WHO SHE HAS IN MIND, AND SOFIA TELLS HER THAT THERE’S ONLY ONE PERSON WHO HAS EYES ALL OVER THE SCHOOL. AND ALL OVER HIS BODY.

MEANWHILE, CLARICE IS ON A TERRACE OVERLOOKING THE CITY. TJ COMES IN FROM THE CONVENTION AND SAYS THAT SHE FOUND A BOOTH THAT SOLD DISCOUNTED MARIA LLOVET GRAPHIC NOVELS. SHE THEN GOES THROUGH WHICH ONES ARE FOR HER AND WHICH ONES ARE FOR CLARICE, CESSILY, AND SOFIA EVEN THOUGH SHE DIDN’T COME TO THE CON BEFORE NOTICING CLARICE’S FARAWAY LOOK.

TJ: PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS?

CLARICE: I WAS JUST WONDERING IF I’M DOING THE RIGHT THING. SOFIA HAS HER HANDS FULL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT’S GOING ON WITH KEVIN AND I JUST GET A HAIRCUT AND SOME FACIAL TATTOOS AND GO TO A CON. IS THAT WHAT GOOD GIRLFRIENDS DO? I KNOW I HAVE SOME APOCALYPSE DNA INSIDE ME, BUT DOES THAT MEAN I’M A BAD PERSON? AND IF I AM, I’M WORRIED THAT I’M GONNA HURT SOFIA. TEEJ, I’M WORRIED.

TJ: I’M SORRY, CLARICE. BUT BELIEVE ME, I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. I BET YOU DIDN’T KNOW THAT I’M FROM ANOTHER REALITY, HUH? I’M THE DAUGHTER OF NIGHTCRAWLER AND SCARLET WITCH, WHICH MEANS THAT I’M ALSO THE GRANDDAUGHTER OF MYSTIQUE AND MAGNETO. SOMETIMES, I WONDER IF I’M REALLY LIKE MY GRANDPARENTS, BUT I REALIZE THAT MY MOM AND DAD HAVE PROVEN THEMSELVES TO BE BETTER THAN THEIR PARENTS AND SO HAVE I, BY PROXY. YOUR DAD WAS A GOOD MAN, SO THAT MEANS THAT THERE’S MORE NON-EVIL GENES IN YOU THAN THERE ARE EVIL ONES. YOU’RE A GOOD PERSON, CLARICE. I KNOW IT.

CLARICE CRACKS A SMILE AND THEN NOTICES MORPH FIXING HIS LIPSTICK WHILE CESSILY GETS A SWAG BAG FROM A BOOTH. SHE TELLS TJ THAT SHE HAS A POINT AND THAT SHE KNOWS SOFIA CAN TAKE CARE OF HERSELF, OTHERWISE, SHE WOULDN’T HAVE PERSUADED CLARICE TO GO. THE GIRLS SMILE AND WALK BACK INTO THE CON AS CLARICE SAYS THAT SOFIA HAS THINGS COVERED.

MEANWHILE, ROXY, DRESSED IN A BLACK CROP TOP AND LEGGINGS WAITS OUTSIDE THE LOUNGE WHERE SHE FINDS SOFIA IN A MIX OF GOTH AND BDSM GEAR. SHE IMMEDIATELY ASKS SOFIA IF THAT’S NECESSARY AND SHE SAYS THAT THEY’RE THE ONLY BLACK CLOTHES SHE HAS. ROXY CAN’T HELP BUT COMPLIMENT SOFIA’S SKIRT AND CORSET WHILE LAURA MAKES HER WAY OVER TO THEM, SAYING THAT SHE GOT THEIR TEXT. WITH THAT, THEY HEAD OVER TO TREVOR’S NEWSROOM.

TREVOR IS GLAD TO SEE THEM AND ASKS IF THEY HAVE ANY NEWS FOR HIM, BUT SOFIA ISN’T WILLING TO BE DISTRACTED BY GREETINGS AND TELLS TREVOR THAT SHE’S HERE TO TALK ABOUT HIS LATEST HEADLINE. BEFORE TREVOR CAN SING HIS OWN PRAISES, ROXY TELLS HIM THAT HE WAS CONNED.

TREVOR: NO WAY. YOU GUYS ARE PUNKING ME.

ROXY: NO, TREV. THAT STORY ABOUT JOSH AND LAURIE WAS FAKED. JOSH DID DATE RAHNE SINCLAIR, BUT IT WAS BEFORE HIM AND LAURIE STARTED DATING.

SOFIA: YOU REALIZE WHAT THAT STORY DID, RIGHT? JOSH FEELS TERRIBLE. HE’S HIDING IN ROXY’S ROOM TO AVOID QUESTIONS AND INSULTS AND LAURIE REFUSES TO COME OUT OF HER ROOM AT ALL. THIS COULD RUIN THE BOTH OF THEM.

TREVOR: I’M… I’M SORRY. I HAD NO IDEA.

LAURA: HE’S TELLING THE TRUTH.

TREVOR BURIES HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS, CURSING HIMSELF FOR FALLING FOR FAKE RUMORS AND GOING AGAINST THE CODE OF THE REPORTER. SOFIA COMFORTS HIM AND SAYS THAT SHE FORGIVES HIM, AND SO WILL LAURIE AND JOSH, HOPEFULLY. BUT ALL HE HAS TO DO IS TELL THEM WHO GAVE HIM THE TIP.

TREVOR: I… WELL, THIS ALSO GOES AGAINST THE REPORTER CODE, BUT I WANNA MAKE THINGS RIGHT.

SOFIA: JUST TELL US WHO SENT THE TIP.

TREVOR: IT… IT WAS WITHER. IT WAS KEVIN FORD. HE TOLD ME THE…

LAURA: HE’S TELLING THE TRUTH.

ROXY: I FIGURED. WOW, SOFIA. WE REALLY DIDN’T NEED HER AFTER ALL.

SOFIA: NO TIME TO CHAT! I HEAR KEVIN IN THE QUAD! LET’S GO!

WITH THAT, THE DUO RUN OUT OF THE ROOM AND LAURA AND TREVOR LOOK AT EACH OTHER AWKWARDLY.

LATER, KEVIN CAN BE SEEN WALKING DOWN THE QUAD WHEN SOFIA AND ROXY APPEAR IN FRONT OF HIM. HE INNOCENTLY ASKS THEM WHAT THEY WANT, BUT ROXY YELLS AT HIM, SAYING THAT THEY KNOW HE MADE UP THE RUMOR THAT JOSH WAS CHEATING ON LAURIE. KEVIN SCOFFS BUT SOFIA TELLS HIM THAT TREVOR TOLD THEM THE TRUTH, AND THERE’S PROBABLY GOING TO BE AN ARTICLE THE NEXT DAY ON HOW HE TRICKED HIM, LAURIE, AND THE ENTIRE SCHOOL.

KEVIN: OKAY, SO I LIED! SO WHAT?! IT WAS WORTH IT TO RUIN JOSH’S LIFE! HE DOESN’T DESERVE LAURIE AND HE KNOWS IT! I KNEW HER LONGER! I PAID ATTENTION TO HER! SHE BELONGS WITH ME!

VOICE: KEVIN?

ALL OF A SUDDEN, LAURIE APPEARS WITH JOSH AND MEGAN. LAURIE LOOKS SHOCKED, ASKING KEVIN IF WHAT HE SAID WAS TRUE. KEVIN STARES AT HER AS ROXY TELLS HIM THAT HIS SECRET’S OUT. LAURIE’S EYES FILL WITH TEARS AS KEVIN TRIES TO REASON WITH HER.

LAURIE: HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME?! KEVIN, YOU WERE MY BEST FRIEND AND YOU… DID THIS?! WHY COULDN’T YOU HAVE BEEN HAPPY FOR ME?! WHY COULDN’T YOU HAVE JUST BEEN A GOOD FRIEND AND SUPPORTED ME INSTEAD OF TRYING TO BREAK US UP?! YOU’RE SO… SO SELFISH!

KEVIN: I’M SELFISH?! YOU’RE THE ONE WHO CHOSE A MEATHEAD INSTEAD OF ME!

LAURIE: I DON’T LIKE YOU LIKE THAT, KEVIN! YOU WERE ALWAYS A FRIEND TO ME! JUST A FRIEND! BUT NOT ANYMORE! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN! I… I HATE YOU!

FOR A WHILE, EVERYTHING IS SILENT WHILE ROXY WHISPERS TO SOFIA THAT THAT WAS COLD. KEVIN GLARES AT JOSH, LAURIE, AND SOFIA BEFORE REMOVING HIS LEFT GLOVE AND BEGINNING TO CHARGE AT JOSH.

KEVIN: YOU DID THIS… YOU TOOK HER FROM ME! YOU RUINED EVERYTHING!

LAURIE: KEVIN! NO!

LAURIE IMMEDIATELY DASHES IN BETWEEN THEM AND JUST AS KEVIN REACHES TOWARD JOSH, LAURIE INTERVENES AND KEVIN’S BARE HAND GRASPS HER WRIST INSTEAD. LAURIE SCREAMS AS THE FLESH ON HER HAND STARTS TO WITHER. SOFIA YELLS AT HIM TO STOP, BUT KEVIN’S EYES BLAZE WITH RAGE. HIS GRIP INTENSIFIES AS HE’S BLINDED BY HATRED. SOFIA IMMEDIATELY RUNS FORWARD AND SHOVES KEVIN, FORCING HIM TO LET GO OF LAURIE. HE SCREAMS IN RAGE AND TRIES TO HIT HER, BUT SHE TACKLES HIM TO THE GROUND.

SOFIA: KEVIN! STOP! OPEN YOUR EYES! YOU’RE HURTING ME! YOU’RE HURTING LAURIE! JUST STOP!

KEVIN’S EYES SUDDENLY GO BACK TO NORMAL AND SOFIA GETS OFF HIM AS HE LOOKS AT LAURIE IN DISMAY. LAURIE IS SOBBING, BUT SHE’S LOOKING AT KEVIN WITH CONCERN AND WORRY. JOSH RUNS TO LAURIE’S SIDE AS SOFIA STARES KEVIN DOWN. KEVIN IMMEDIATELY STANDS UP AND RUNS OFF, WITH LAURIE CALLING HIM. SOFIA ASKS LAURIE IF SHE’S OKAY, AND JOSH SAYS THAT HE’LL TAKE HER TO THE MEDBAY. SOFIA LOOKS AROUND AND SAYS THAT SHE’S GOING TO SPEAK TO DANI AND THEN FIND KEVIN.

LATER, LAURIE SITS ON A COT IN THE MEDBAY AS BEAST WRAPS HER HAND IN A CAST. AS HE WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM TO GET HER A LOLLIPOP, JOSH WALKS IN, ASKING IF SHE’S OKAY. LAURIE NODS, SAYING THAT KEVIN ONLY GOT MOST OF HER HAND, BUT BEAST HAS SUGGESTED GIVING HER PAINKILLERS. JOSH SUGGESTS HEALING HER, BUT WHEN HE PLACES HER HAND ON LAURIE’S CAST, NOTHING HAPPENS. JOSH IMMEDIATELY BREAKS DOWN IN TEARS, CALLING HIMSELF A FAILURE FOR BEING UNABLE TO HEAL HER OR HELP HER.

LAURIE: JOSH, I’M FINE. I DON’T…

JOSH: NO, I SHOULD’VE BEEN HONEST WITH YOU FROM THE START. I DIDN’T WANT TO HURT YOU, BUT IF I’D TOLD YOU ABOUT RAHNE, THIS WOULDN’T HAVE HAPPENED. I HURT YOU. THIS IS ALL MY FAULT.

LAURIE SMILES AND HOLDS HIS HAND, APOLOGIZING FOR NOT HEARING HIM OUT EARLIER, AND TELLS HIM THAT SHE WANTS HIM TO TELL HER ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED. HE TELLS HER THAT SHE BASICALLY ALREADY KNOWS WHAT HAPPENED FROM MEGAN, BUT LAURIE SAYS THAT SHE WANTS TO HEAR IT FROM HIM.

JOSH: RAHNE… WAS A PART OF MY LIFE THAT I DON’T LIKE TO THINK ABOUT. WE WERE DATING WHEN I WAS CERTAIN THAT NO ONE WOULD WANNA BE MY FRIEND BECAUSE OF MY PAST. BUT THAT WAS WRONG. RAHNE CALLED ME OUT ON IT AND DUMPED ME AND I WAS ABLE TO SEE THAT SHE WAS JUST A WAY TO RUN FROM MY PROBLEMS AND ACT LIKE THE JERK THAT I THOUGHT PEOPLE SAW ME AS. BUT YOU HELPED ME. I… I LOVE YOU, LAURIE. I CAN’T IMAGINE A LIFE WITHOUT YOU. RAHNE… SHE MEANT NOTHING TO ME. YOU… I LOVE…

LAURIE KISSES HIM, WHICH SHUTS HIM UP. AS HE LEANS INTO IT, ‘I GET TO LOVE YOU’ BY RUELLE PLAYS AS LAURIE TELLS JOSH THAT IT’S OKAY. SHE FORGIVES HIM. THEY CONTINUE TO KISS AS THE CAMERA FADES INTO THE NEXT SCENE. WE SEE SOFIA WALKING OVER TO KEVIN’S ROOM, WHICH SHE FINDS COMPLETELY EMPTY. THE ONLY THING LEFT IS A NOTE ON HIS BED. SOFIA PICKS IT UP AND HEADS BACK OVER TO HER ROOM BEFORE READING IT.

NOTE: SOFIA, YOU’LL PROBABLY WONDER WHY I’M WRITING TO YOU AND NOT JOSH AND LAURIE. THAT’S BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE IT WOULD BE BEST IF I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING TO THEM FOR A WHILE. OR AT ALL. I REALLY DIDN’T MEAN TO CAUSE ALL THAT PAIN AND I DIDN’T MEAN TO HURT LAURIE, BUT IN RETROSPECT, IT’S PROBABLY A GOOD THING, BECAUSE IT REMINDED ME THAT I REALLY DON’T FIT IN HERE. I PUT IN FOR A TRANSFER TO THE LATVERIAN SCHOOL OF SCIENCE. I FEEL LIKE THAT WOULD BE A BETTER FIT FOR ME. AND IN A WAY, SOFIA, I SHOULD THANK YOU. YOU REMINDED ME THAT I HAVE A DARKNESS INSIDE ME. A HUNGER. SOME PART OF ME THAT WANTS TO DESTROY THE WORLD. AND THE LONGER I STAY AT XAVIER’S, THE LESS SAFE PEOPLE AROUND ME ARE. SO I NEED TO LEAVE. PLEASE DON’T TELL JOSH AND LAURIE. I DON’T WANT TO HURT THEM. BECAUSE THAT’S ALL I FEEL LIKE I’M CAPABLE OF DOING; HURTING PEOPLE. GOODBYE, SOFIA, AND THANKS FOR REMINDING ME THAT I DON’T FIT IN HERE. MAYBE I DON’T FIT IN ANYWHERE. THANK YOU FOR SHOWING ME THAT. KEVIN.

SOFIA IMMEDIATELY BREAKS DOWN IN TEARS AFTER READING THE NOTE. SHE DROPS TO THE GROUND AND CRIES HER HEART OUT AS THE MUSIC CONTINUES TO PLAY. CLARICE ENTERS, TELLING SOFIA TO TURN ON THE TV, BECAUSE THEY’RE GOING TO WATCH TOTAL DRAMA UNTIL THE SUN COMES UP. SHE IMMEDIATELY STOPS WHEN SHE SEES SOFIA CRYING AND BENDS DOWN TO PUT A HAND ON HER SHOULDER.

CLARICE: BABE? ARE YOU OKAY? DID YOU WATCH THE SERIES FINALE OF DOOM PATROL AGAIN?

SOFIA LOOKS UP AT HER BEFORE LEANING INTO CLARICE’S ARMS.

SOFIA: DON’T TALK. JUST HOLD ME.

CLARICE WRAPS HER ARMS AROUND SOFIA’S TREMBLING BODY AND STROKES HER HAIR AS SOFIA SOBS VIOLENTLY. SHE SHUSHES SOFIA AND ASSURES HER THAT EVERYTHING’S GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT. THE CAMERA ZOOMS OUT ON THE TWO BROKENHEARTED LOVERS AS THE SONG CONCLUDES.

WE THEN CUT TO ONE FINAL SCENE AS KEVIN WAITS FOR HIS PLANE TO LATVERIA. A WOMAN SITS NEXT TO HIM AND WE SEE THAT SHE’S EXTREMELY PALE WITH LONG DARK HAIR AND A BLACK SATIN DRESS. KEVIN SIGHS BEFORE ASKING HER IF SHE’S BEEN TO LATVERIA BEFORE, AND SHE RESPONDS, SHOCKING HIM BY CALLING HIM BY HIS FULL NAME.

KEVIN: H-HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME?

WOMAN: OH, I KNOW EVERYTHING, KEVIN. I KNOW ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL DISCOURAGED AFTER HAVING YOUR HEART BROKEN. YOU FEEL LIKE YOU’VE HIT ROCK BOTTOM. LIKE YOU’RE A MONSTER WHO WANTS TO BREAK THE WORLD. BUT I CAN HELP YOU. YOU CAN UNLOCK YOUR TRUE POTENTIAL WITH MY GUIDANCE. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, YOU CAN TAKE REVENGE ON JOSHUA FOLEY, SOFIA MANTEGA, AND THE REST OF THE X-MEN. BUT IF YOU GET ON THAT PLANE, I CANNOT HELP YOU. MAKE YOUR CHOICE, KEVIN FORD.

KEVIN LOOKS AT THE BEAUTIFUL WOMAN BEFORE GRABBING HIS SUITCASE AND ACCEPTING HER INVITATION. SHE CLUTCHES HIS HAND AND THEY WALK OUT THE AIRPORT TOGETHER.

KEVIN: SO WHAT’S YOUR NAME?

WOMAN: I HAVE MANY NAMES. BUT YOU MAY CALL ME… SELENE.

WE THEN FOCUS ON THE WOMAN AS HER PLUMP BLACK LIPS PART, REVEALING A SET OF VAMPIRIC FANGS. THE EPISODE ENDS WITH THE TWO OF THEM WALKING AWAY, KEVIN NOT KNOWING WHAT HE’S IN FOR OR WHERE HIS FATE LIES BASED ON HIS CHOICE. EERIE MUSIC PLAYS AS THE EPISODE CONCLUDES.

#new x men #sofia mantega #cessily kincaid #clarice ferguson #laura kinney #megan gwynn #laurie collins #josh foley #kevin ford #talia wagner #kevin sidney

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