#fair warning if you grew up in an abusive environment

[shouts-into-the-void]

Started TSC yesterday and....ouch

[itsclydebitches]

Hazbin Hotel: Let's Talk About Cursing!

Trigger warning for lots of cursing in this post (obviously) and discussion of canon abuse scenes

As I delve further into the Hazbin Hotel fandom, I’ve inevitably come across a variety of people who dislike the show for an equal variety of reasons. One criticism I’ve seen with some consistency is in regards to the cursing and yeah, I get it. That’s not going to be everyone’s cup of tea. However, the repeated claim that the cursing is only there as a—failed—attempt at bad, lazy humor got me thinking about why I personally liked the cursing, and why I think it serves a greater purpose in the show.

Now yes, some of the cursing does function as an arguably simplistic joke. The most common setup I’ve noticed is one that leans into a contrast in tone/personalities. We see this a lot with the polite, comparatively timid Charlie as she navigates her distinctly vulgar domain.

Charlie: “Hi, mister!” Demon: “Go fuck yourself!”

The entirety of “Happy Day in Hell” plays with this contrast, setting up Charlie’s slightly skewed, but significantly optimistic perspective of Hell. We are shown again and again how her lyrics are contradicted or twisted into something less innocent through the visuals: a “revealing” street where it’s “hard not to stare” has BDSM going on in a nearby window, Charlie will “open the door” for her people and then literally does so... for a guy who’s already dead. (Or, you know, temporarily out of commission until he heals, or whatever demons do when they’re ‘killed’ by things other than angelic steel.) The entire point here is to contrast the happy, skipping girl claiming that there’s a “warm, fuzzy feeling” in the air with the actual environment of unchecked fires and decaying limbs. And yes, that can be amusing. Not necessarily for everyone as humor is highly subjective and dependent on context, but distilling this contrast down to the shock of a polite greeting getting a “Go fuck yourself!” in response is a kind of entertainment. Especially when Charlie’s reaction adds another layer: for me that’s a very funny—and currently relatable—expression.

We can potentially make the case that this humor format overstays its welcome, but I personally think the show does a good job of keeping Charlie’s cursing both simple and comparatively rare, so that when she is put into these contrast situations the humor lands better. The best example I can think of in the latter half of the show is Susan. There we get the whiplash of polite, trying-to-get-these-people-to-like-her Charlie reaching a breaking point to become “FUCK YOU, YOU OLD BITCH” Charlie. It’s a moment that builds off of the earlier surprise of the courteous Alastor calling someone an “Ornery old bitch”—while Rosie is trying (and failing) to find a nicer way to phrase this.

However, as stated above I think the cursing serves more of a purpose than to just be funny for (some) viewers. Beyond those who simply find cursing distasteful, I’ve seen a fair bit of, “This is so stupid. No one even talks like that!” going around.

Except... I do? I talk like that.

See, I like cursing. I was born to former hippie parents and grew up playing MMOs, so cursing was something I became pretty acclimated to. Personally, I’m glad I was because I’m fascinated by language and cursing—for better or worse—is an integral way that many people communicate. I was taught to see cursing not as the Bad Forbidden Thing You Must Never Ever Do, but rather as just another form of expression, something to be used in moderation and under specific circumstances. Once I became an adult I already understood how I wanted to curse and when it was appropriate to do so. People at work are often shocked when I tell them I curse a lot because no, of course I’m not doing that at my job. That isn't considered professional in this space. Among my friends though?

We can sound a lot like the Hazbin crew.

Undoubtedly the most common curse in the show is “fuck” and its variations, which very much tracks with my personal experience among other people who curse. In fact, it’s so ubiquitous that it barely counts as a curse at all in some groups. It’s more of an easy, accepted way to add emphasis. Vaggie’s “What the fuck was that?” about Alastor’s commercial is a perfect example. She’s pissed and simply saying “What was that?” doesn’t carry the same weight, no matter how angry she may sound when she says it. Vox’s long “Fuuuuuuuck” at the end of “Stayed Gone” conveys an emotion you just can’t capture any other way. No dialogue at all would create a fundamentally different experience of Vox’s feelings and another non-cursing response is just gonna hit different. Not necessarily bad, just different.

“I don’t want to go to the party!” “I don’t want to go to the freaking party!” “I don’t want to go to the fucking party!”

The above represents three distinct characters to me and I think Hazbin Hotel gets that. Cursing isn’t thrown around randomly because something something cursing supposedly sells; it’s all linguistically logical. Characters curse when something surprising or bad happens, or when something unexpectedly good happens, when they’re angry, trying to be sexy, or they want to add that emphasis. That’s a lot of different situations where cursing can be useful and when you use “fuck” in your daily life a lot you become pretty desensitized to it. As said, for many it’s barely a curse at all. Which means that when you really want to curse you’ve got to up the ante. It doesn’t surprise me one bit that the two uses of “cunt” I can recall—a word that is generally considered far worse than “fuck” and makes a lot of people understandably uncomfortable—is used by two of the worst characters in moments that are meant to horrify the viewer:

Adam: “Can’t wait a whole year to slaughter those little cunts / I know it’s just been a week, but we’ll be back in six months!” Valentino: “When I say you’d better get that fucking cunt out of my studio, you say...?”

This horror is especially emphasized in Valentino’s scene. The creators know this word is coming up and deliberately build towards it. Angel is currently being abused and has been reminded that Valentino “owns” him. The above question is a part of a trio that Valentino asks (a standard structure in writing), wherein the third option is the outlier/most shocking of the three. The animation leans into that shock, with the music building and Valentino grabbing Angel to pull him close right on the word “cunt.” Perez even puts emphasis there because he knows that this is a significant word that will change our understanding of Valentino.

Despite having hit Angel multiple times and taunting him with the contract, this is the moment Valentino stops playing the ‘nice’ employer. This is the real him. No more fake compliments and endearments aimed at Charlie, no more fake comfort/intimacy aimed at Angel. That “cunt” conveys a hell of a lot about how Valentino really sees them and when you have a cast of characters who are already cursing on the regular, it takes a word on that level to do that kind of work. If Valentino had said, “get that fucking bitch out of my studio” it wouldn’t have had nearly the same impact because he’s the kind of guy who uses "bitch" even when playing ‘nice.’

Adam’s line from “Hell is Forever” does very similar work. The scene needs a word to align with the horrific reveal that another extermination is just six months away, that conveys Adam’s deep disgust for Charlie’s people, and that still catches the viewer’s attention even though he’s the character (I believe) who curses the most. Here the music drops and Adam is a little closer to speaking than singing; there's this shift because, like with Valentino, our perception of him is shifting. This isn’t just some egotistical idiot who wants to be called “Dick Master,” he’s the leader of an army coming to gleefully kill them. Framing a whole world of people—people Charlie loves—as “cunts” while treating their murder as a holiday that can’t come soon enough creates an, 'Oh shit. This guy is actually a threat' understanding that you can’t quite get with anything else.

On a smaller scale, cursing does other character work throughout the whole show. I watched a number of cursing compilation vids for this meta (that was a trip lol) and again, cursing is not thrown in randomly. Each character has a unique way of cursing that aligns with their personality and motivations:

As said, Adam curses the most in the show which helps sell his truly over-the-top, irreverent personality. Linguistically, the amount he curses also allows for some fun grammatical play. Lines like, “Fucking love putting my name on shit, shit’s the best!” help convey the versatility of cursing.

Also as said, Charlie curses a fair bit but she’s comparatively polite and her cursing tends to be a result of genuinely big emotions—like saying “Crap” when she’s shocked and falls, or “Shit!” when Adam locks her out of the room—rather than sprinkled into her conversations as a modifier. That leaves space to create those moments of amused surprise when Charlie really let’s loose.

Sr Pentious curses even less than Charlie which fits his secretly gooey center. He talks a big game at the start of the show, but he’s actually quite bad at being, well, bad (especially the Amazon version compared to pilot!Pentious). His idea of getting one over on Alastor is ripping a bit of his coat. He loves his Egg Bois and “doesn’t want to live” without them. He has no desire to go into battle without minions/a big machine to hide behind and, of course, he’s the first to be redeemed. He's too much of a secret sweetheart to curse a lot.

Interestingly, Niffty doesn’t seem to curse at all. At least, not enough for me to think of examples off the top of my head. Right now I’m inclined to read that as an extension of her lived experiences/design��the cute 1950’s housewife archetype who is obsessed with keeping things clean doesn’t [gasp!] curse—as well as a way to maintain her legitimate creep factor. As said, cursing is common among the hotel residents and is a way for them to linguistically fit in. Niffty, however, is positioned more as an outsider (despite how much they all obviously love her): she’s actually scary in a way most demons aren’t and despite how weird this whole world is, she stands out as someone no one else can make sense of (even Alastor). If cursing is normal, Niffty is a character who is decidedly positioned as not normal.

Angel curses a fair bit, though his irreverence is conveyed more through innuendos. Angel is great at verbally twisting others’ words (especially Husk’s) to give himself a conversational advantage:

Husk: “Go fuck yourself” Angel: “Only if you watch me~”

Husk: “You’ve come—” Angel: [very loud orgasm noise] Husk: “...to the right place.”

Meanwhile, Husk uses “fuck” plenty, but he’s also one of the few characters who use “bullshit" too. I wouldn’t say there’s anything particularly revealing about that choice, but just giving him a go-to curse that’s otherwise used infrequently helps make his character distinct in a cast of other cursing characters.

Vaggie occasionally curses in Spanish, showing us her heritage if she used to be human, or a distinct knowledge/verbal preference if she’s always been an angel.

Heaven, as the ‘good’ side, doesn’t curse as a general rule, which leaves room for cursing to do more of that silent character work. We’re reminded of the stuffy, overly critical beings she’s dealing with when Charlie receives the combined judgement of the court for saying, “Fuck yeah!” In contrast, we understand just how shocked St. Peter is to see a Morningstar when he lets out an unintentional “Fuck!” The angry vindication of Charlie’s “That’s what the fuck I’ve been saying!” lands harder after multiple scenes of very little cursing, and Lute’s “Some crack-whore who fucked up already? / He blew his shot like the cocks in his mouth—” helps set her apart as an exorcist + Adam's second in command: her shocking violence comes through in her word choice too; words that supposedly don't belong in Heaven.

In what’s arguably the funniest line in the whole show, Lucifer undermines his dramatic standoff with Adam by going, “You mess with my daughter and now I’m going to fuck you.” Beyond just cutting the tension, that fits his bumbling, oblivious personality perfectly. Lucifer is crazy powerful and can absolutely wreck Adam. He also has none of the classy intimidation that, say, Alastor displays when he tries to convey that. This is a depressed himbo who makes ducks in his free time and settles on, “Hey, bitch!” when greeting his estranged daughter. Of course he’s going to accidentally turn a threat into a promise of sex.

Which finally brings me to Alastor, someone whose cursing is already understood well by the fandom. He’s characterized as manipulatively courteous, using manners to both hide his true nature and draw attention to his power—’You’re so beneath me I’ll just calmly sip my coffee and politely ask who you are, despite the fact that we've fought multiple times.’ This is a guy who calls people “My dear” and unironically insults them with the phrase “wacky nonsense.” So when he curses you can BET it’s gonna have an impact. It sure did for me. I had to pause the episode after Alastor’s first “Fuck you” because it was so shocking to hear that language from him. And that’s the point! The scene wants that reaction from the audience. The "Fuck you"s visceral anger contrasting the fake laughs he and Lucifer have been giving, the quick-fire exchange that’s suddenly cut short by Alastor’s choice of a direct insult, the fact that he’s officially dropping the polite veneer they’ve both been indulging in and raising the stakes before Charlie intervenes, the loss of the radio filter that otherwise demonstrates his control over a situation... all of it screams, ‘THIS IS AN IMPORTANT CHARACTER MOMENT.’

"Fuck you” reveals that, for the first time in the show, Alastor is legitimately threatened by someone. Which makes sense given that, you know, Lucifer is the King of Hell. Cursing for Alastor isn’t normal, so when he does curse it’s going to reveal something about a guy who otherwise is obsessed with being unknowable. Having the King of Hell dismiss him is actually infuriating in a way Sir Pentious’ threats could never be and the exchange kicks off a rivalry that rattles Alastor in ways Vox’s never has. (Side note: is it any wonder people ship them? Character A making control freak Character B feel vulnerable is classic!) It’s no surprise to me than that the one other true curse we get from Alastor is, “I’m about to end your fucking life,” delivered to Adam who, like Lucifer, poses a legitimate threat and does end up beating him. I say “true” curse because calling Susan a “bitch” does similar work for him, but the takeaway is humorous rather than dramatic. It’s funny that the only people who can piss Alastor off enough to curse are the First Man/a powerful exorcist angel threatening his life, the literal King of Hell... and Susan.

So there’s a lot going on here, more than what many viewers might assume if they approach the show as just “stupid,” needlessly vulgar entertainment. As shown above, I don’t think the cursing is needless, especially given that, well... they’re in Hell. They’re sinners, supposedly the worst that humanity has to offer, so of course they're going to curse a lot. Does cursing mean you’re a bad person? No. Can you craft a hellish world that doesn't rely on cursing to convey a group's immoral nature? Sure.

Does it make sense that a writer would equate a sinful, irreverent cast with linguistic rebellion and would want to convey a certain vibe that, frankly, you just can’t get without dropping an F bomb?

Yeah, I think so. No one has to like that kind of creative decision, but it’s worth acknowledging it as a deliberate choice.

That’s all! Thanks for reading this fucking long post ✌️

[gofuschia]

JACK BAKER SFW & NSFW HCS

Because I have questionable taste in men, haven't seen any jack content and NOBODY CAN STOP ME!!

Most of this is referring to jack post-mold infection, unless explicitly stated otherwise. So… keep that in mind and be prepared for some kooky behaviour.

warnings and prefaces; female reader, infected jack - he comes as his own warning lol, mentions of alcoholism & dysfunctional family dynamics, cheating, a little bit of angst

GENERAL/SFW

— He has this insecure complex about always needing to be in the dominant role within the family dynamic. Gets majorly pissed whenever Marguerite entertains male victims for dinner, and he hurries to get rid of them. Jack’s house is the place he is in control, his domain, where he has forged a comfortable little life with himself as the patriarch & figurehead. He perceives any and all male presence as a threat to its sanctity. Even Lucas, from time to time, needs to be put in his place. It’s a deeply competitive thing that stems from his childhood insecurities, feuding with his brother and father.

— Listen, he’s an old-fashioned guy. Sees women as the fairer sex and all that. He’s a little gentler with handling female victims for that reason. (throwback to mia being carried over his shoulder and ethan literally just being dragged behind in the mud LMAO). If he notices Lucas being particularly handsy with a female victim, he’ll start chastising him:

“Lucas, you goddamn gutter rat! I raised you better’n’that, boy!”

— He delights in taunting you with little innuendos and innocent sounding pet names while he tracks you around the house - sweetheart, dolly, sugar, little pig.

“Here, kitty kitty. Where are yo-o-ou?”

— Jack's definitely not a soft man anymore - but when it comes to you, he can be. It’s always very gratifying to see the man go from downright brutish to handling you with something almost approaching care. He’s ruthlessly, frighteningly strong; you’ve watched him shatter bones and sever limbs with barely more than a breath of effort. You can feel incredibly fragile in his grip, but at the same time, inexplicably safe.

— He could kill you easily, on a whim, and yet, you notice the way he takes care to measure the strength in his grip; consciously holding back from utterly destroying you. Jack will leave you with bruises, sure, but never broken beyond repair.

— Contrary to the way he presents himself, Jack actually wasn’t all that much of a fighter when he was younger. He was always built a little smaller than Joe, mousier, with poor eyesight. Instead of roughhousing in the yard with his brother or going out hunting with his Pa, he’d have much preferred to sit in with his Momma, shucking peas on the porch, nose buried in a book.

— But with a bully for a brother and an alcoholic, abusive father, it became necessary for survival in his household to toughen up, wean himself away from his mother’s forgiving gentleness. Not only that, but the constant comparisons to his brother and the need to appeal to his father’s uber-masculine attitude grated at him, and he eventually conditioned himself into being the football-loving man’s man that his environment demanded him to be. He met Marguerite, joined the military to seal the deal - and the rest is history.

— It’s heavily implied ingame that Jack has a bit of a drinking problem even before the infection. It’s an unfortunate trait he picked up from his own father who was quite a violent man. Jack’s always made a conscious effort to break these cycles and be firm yet fair with his kids - however, Jack can be an aggressive drunk… and Lucas has always been an ornery kid. They’ve never quite seen eye to eye and their relationship only grew more turbulent the older Lucas got.

So, Lucas is the one who usually suffers the brunt of Jack’s drunken black moods, and sometimes their clashing gets physical. This is just amplified tenfold post-evie and he gets weirdly competitive and aggressive with his son - especially when it comes to you. Jack doesn't like to share.

Lucas will most definitely take an interest in the new pet his dad’s keeping around - and Jack takes cruel pleasure in making vulgar jabs at his sons inexperience, taunting you before his eyes like a piece of candy in front of a kid:

“Aw, what’s wrong, boy? You want a piece of this sweet little kitty? Too fuckin’ bad – she ain’t for you!”

— Probably threatens to castrate him if he tries anything with you LMAO (which is a valid concern to be honest, lucas is a horny little bastard) or implies bringing the nature of your relationship up to Marguerite. The threat alone is usually enough to scare Lucas off as we all know Jack doesn’t bluff when it comes to cutting off limbs 😭

NSFW

— Now, listen, we’re gonna have to suspend some disbelief here. Do I think pre-infected Jack would cheat on his wife? Never. He’s loyal and staunch as a bull and he ADORES Marguerite. Post infection, though. Maybe. I can see it.

— He still loves his wife, infection be damned, but we all know the unfortunate state of Marguerite’s genitalia, and gross as infected Jack can be, even he draws the line at sticking his cock in a bug hive 😭

— His excuse for his infidelity is “a man has needs,” - and with you being so pretty and so willing, how could he pass up the opportunity? Even if he did want to reject the carnal urge, it’s incredibly difficult for Jack to stop himself from enacting his basest desires. The mold completely screws with his head and free will, lowers his inhibitions and makes him do and say things that would otherwise be a passing intrusive thought while sober.

Excuses and justifications aside, he definitely still has a big guilty conscience about it in the back of his mind - and in his very brief moments of lucidity he probably cries about what he’s done. (ouch)

— Jack’s sex drive, among many other things, has been amplified a great deal after the infection. It doesn’t take much to get him aroused. Sometimes he’ll pop hard-ons just from the adrenaline of the chase, tailing your scared ass around the property, hot on your scent.

— Before, his sex drive was pretty average for a man of his age, not a huge priority for him anymore but indulged in a couple times a week with his wife after a long day of work round the ranch. Now, with the mold biggering his appetite, screwing with his hormones & testosterone levels, he’s as virile as a man several decades his junior.

— There’s fuck all else to do round that house anyway, besides the occasional murder, partaking in cannibalism, and entertaining Evie – so Jack likes to waste away some of the drawn-out hours between your legs.

— He’s actually quite the giver. Though infected Jack has no qualms about just taking what he wants, he is still, at his core, a southern gentleman - and this quality bleeds through even in the bedroom. It’s more fun for him when you’re visibly enjoying yourself too, is all. And he knows how to treat a lady.

— Definitely not lacking in experience. He’s old, has fathered two kids and knows his way around the female form quite confidently - you’re in good hands.

— Jack loves eating pussy. Everything about it. The taste, the smell, the way you clamp your thighs like a vice around his head. It’s all incredibly arousing to him.

— He’ll hike your legs up, grip cruel and bruising around your thighs, and just absolutely go to town. He’s relentless about it, too. Won’t stop till your cunt juices have soaked his beard through to dripping, and you’ve come multiple times around his tongue, clit swollen and oversensitive.

— If he’s in a really giving and indulgent mood, he’ll pat his barrel chest; invite you to shimmy on up and just sit yourself nice n’ pretty on his face, smothering him with your pussy and thighs. He gets to forget everything and just work his jaw, focus on nothing but the slick heat between your lips. The man is in heaven when he’s tongue-fucking you.

— Quite stalwartly dominant - he just really likes the feeling of being needed and depended upon. Makes him feel big and strong, feeds his ego. If you beg for him it makes him go nuts. He’s also not opposed to being called daddy every now and then in the bedroom - gives him that lovely little superiority kick.

— That being said, he’s not averse to you riding him every now and then. He loves a bit of cowgirl. The visual stimulation of your tits bouncing while you frantically get yourself off on his cock always drives him crazy… but by the end he can never quite stop himself from taking control; seizing you roughly by the hips and pistoning you up and down on his cock like a fuck-toy.

— Sex with Jack is an exhausting affair. He has a ridiculous amount of stamina now and as such he draws the sessions out for hours.

— Rough without meaning to be, sometimes. His amplified strength really shows at certain peaked moments of pleasure, where he tends to lose all restraint and just go absolutely fucking ham.

— Afterwards you will be sporting bruises in the shape of his fingers, stinging imprints of his palm on your rump; a multitude of aches and pains and a numb, dully throbbing cunt. Expect not to be able to walk until the mold has healed up your sore body.

— He enjoys it when you fawn over him like a loving little wife, he's a sucker for those sappy traditional dynamics. Run at him with your arms open and he’ll lift you up like a featherweight, sit you on his lap, let you tell him all about your day. He’ll let you take the reins if he’s in the mood to be taken care of, on your knees between his spread legs.

— Not groomed. It’s a bit wild down there in the hair department. Literally does not give a shit either way. Too busy serial murdering and being insane to trim and he never really tended to the bush much in the first place. He thinks body hair is natural, and likes the masculinity of it, so he doesn’t really care. He's also definitely a little bit stinky. (ok… probably more than a little bit). But let’s be honest, who isn’t a little on the funky side in the Baker house? You probably don’t smell like roses either.

— Gets rougher the more excited he becomes. When Jack’s on the edge of an orgasm he becomes downright violent. He tries to be careful with you, really he does, but he’s a slave to the base sensations and the jolting of his hips becomes a powerful, jackhammering force; big hands leaving purpling bruises along your hips.

Afterwards, he’ll kiss your sore spots apologetically, pet your head like a cat and murmur your praises; good girl, ‘atta girl, you took me so damn well.

— His hands are a marvel unto themselves. Big, broad, capable and work-calloused. They feel incredible dragging over your nipples and cunt; doling out pleasure and punishment in equal measure. He’ll spend hours with you bent over his lap, alternating between finger-fucking you relentlessly and spanking your ass with the flat of his palm.

— BREEDING KINK FOR DAYS… absolutely loves pumping you full with his cum. He’ll reach down to inspect the excess semen your poor pussy couldn’t handle, scoop it up and push it back inside of you.

Jack loves the idea of getting you pregnant and, in his words; ‘expanding the family’, or ‘giving Evie a new little sibling’. Of course, that’s a precarious subject given the fact he’s a married man… but Evie’s family isn’t your typical nuclear family, anyway. The dynamics are all fucked up, fickle and interchangeable as a child playing with barbie dolls. One day Marguerite carries the privileged title of mommy - the next, you or Mia. Some days both.

— Mostly he just likes the idea of it. He loves being a father, and he and Marguerite had always intended on having more than two kids - however, after a few traumatic miscarriages and sombre doctors’ appointments, they gave up that dream. He also secretly has a thing for pregnant bodies - he thinks they’re gorgeous, and it gives him a real kick of pride and possessiveness to see a lady all swollen up with his seed.

— He can be sadistic with your pleasure at times, edging you to the precipice of an orgasm and then abruptly withdrawing. You just look so pretty and pathetic when you squirm and beg. If you’re not reduced to tears, begging him to please, daddy, let you cum, then he hasn’t done his job right.

— Has a thing for over-stimulation, too. Makes a point of bringing you to orgasm so many times and fucking your pussy so raw that it becomes borderline painful.

— He can be merciful on occasion. If you’ve caught him in a pleasant mood and you give him the doe-eyes just right, Jack becomes a bit of a pushover. You’re just such a sweet lil’ thing, and he can’t resist you.

He’ll treat you real good. Whatever you ask him for, you get. You want your pussy devoured? Want to be fucked into next week? Take a seat - he’s more than happy to oblige.

[afurtivecake]

It's WIP Wednesday and I need some motivation to finish writing so I'm going to whack bits of my current WIP on here. Feel free to drop me a comment or an ask if you want to see more.

(this is a draft and may contain errors etc. and is subject to substantial changes in the final draft)

------------------------------

WIP - Title (tentative): Let Me

Summary: A Kevin & Riko character study - There are few kindnesses and comforts offered to them in the unforgiving environment they grew up in. If they want kindness, they must supply their own. But can the kindness of people unfamiliar with the concept really be enough?

cw: child abuse, violence

--------------------------------

“Get up.” 

The command rings in his ears and reverberates through his very bones. As much as he would like to obey, Kevin can’t move. 

The only thing holding him up and stopping him from falling into senselessness is the cold court floor beneath his palms and knees. His vision is spattered with dancing darkness and his lung burn with the ache of breaths too shallow and quick. He knows that he’ll feel a lot less light-headed if he just focuses on getting his breathing back in order. Except, every second spent focusing on breathing is a second where he’s not getting up. 

He can hear the impatient tap-tap-tap of the master’s cane against the floor, a fair warning for the punishment that comes next, and Kevin braces himself. 

Suddenly the tapping stops, but the blow never comes. Instead, Kevin feels fingers in his hair and a firm tug. 

“Get up.” This time, it’s Riko hissing urgently in English in his ear. The fraying edge in Riko’s hoarse, breathless voice is what pulls Kevin onto his feet at last. 

Riko doesn’t help him. It’s not Riko’s place to interfere. 

...to be continued

[marshmellowtea]

um. so. y'all are not going to believe this but i've had this goddamn fic finished for MONTHS but i fucking FORGOT??? IT WAS HERE??? IT'S JUST BEEN SITTING IN MY DRAFTS BECAUSE I FORGOR I HAD THIS BASICALLY FINISHED FIC JUST WAITING TO BE EDITED AND PUBLISHED HGKLDSJFLKSD 😭

ahem. anyway. sorry for yelling lmao. onto the actual fic summary—basically, i decided to write this silly little thing about human, arospec lila trying to talk about a newly formed crush with an aroacespec will. it's very silly and fluffy and writing it made me giggle a lot, don't expect much angst here, aside from like a sprinkling of it for flavor lmao. that being said, small warning for some toxic queerplatonic partner vibes between will and lila, but the vibe is still mostly lighthearted, it's not too heavy or extreme. also, they're working on it, okay :') they're teenagers who grew up in abusive/traumatizing environments (which isn't referenced in the fic but it definitely shapes the way i characterize them), they don't exactly know how to navigate a healthy relationship yet but they're trying goddammit dskjfkdsafj

.....uh, if it's not obvious, i don't remember how i do summaries on tumblr fics ngl. there'll probably be a cleaner one when this gets posted onto ao3 in a day or two, so watch out for that if you'd prefer to read this on there :P tbh depending on how tired i am when i get home from work i might just go ahead and post it on there later today anyway oops

anyway, onto the fic now, hope y'all enjoy! :)

William's curled up on his side, his upper body in Lila's lap and her hands kneading though his hair in a way that mostly feels good, when she suddenly asks the question.

"Is it called a crush because you want to crush them?"

If this were closer to the beginning of their friendship, when he wasn't already used to weird comments like these from her, William might've sat up in shock, giving her a wide eyed expression of surprise she loves to make fun of him for. This is far from the most outrageous thing she's ever said to him at this point, however, so instead, he just furrows his brow and shifts in her lap a little, not even bothering to open his eyes.

"Lila, what on earth are you talking about...?"

She's quiet for a moment, her hands pausing in his hair. He lets out a little whine at the loss of feeling, and she huffs softly before continuing, using a little bit more of her nails than she was before.

"Let's say...like...maybe there's this person someone thinks is...pretty," she says, the words awkward and stilted in a way he's never heard from her before. "And because they're so pretty, that person keeps...fantasizing about...squeezing them. In their arms. Or under them."

"Ew," he says on instinct, his fingers moving to fiddle with the black ring around the middle finger of his left hand. "Is this hypothetical person you, Lila?"

"No, dumbass!" she says, and, well, that almost sounds convincing. "I'm just...asking. For a friend."

"But I'm your only friend?" he asks, genuinely confused. His confusion then turns to pain, however, as she pulls on his hair—apparently she found that insulting. "Ow! Lila!"

"I have friends. Mainly friends you picked out for us—" and here, she huffs, sounding put upon about his choice in companionship, as though she has no choice in whether she hangs out with them too, "—but friends nonetheless."

...okay, admittedly, he understands where the offense came from now. But still, she claims that he's her only friend enough that of course he would make that assumption, and it's kind of not fair for her to punish him for words he's repeating from her. And also, he must reiterate, ow.

"Anyway, it's for a friend," she insists, sounding a bit wounded. "God. Don't be a smartass, Will, it's not flattering on you."

"I'm not trying to be a smartass, you're just—ugh, nevermind," he grumbles, letting his eyes flutter open and sulking at a vague point in the distance. His hand drifts toward the hem of her skirt, and he plays with it absently, rubbing his fingers over the soft fabric. "Putting all that aside, well...um, sorry to your friend, but I don't think I'm the right person to ask about that. I still don't really...understand all that stuff."

"Ugh, right, I forgot you were a fucking loser."

"I'm not a loser!" he protests, but he immediately feels childish for it. He flips onto his stomach to hide his face in her lap, and is instantly rewarded with one of her hands on the nape of his neck, a warm, comforting weight. "That stuff is just...really complicated..."

"Yeah, well, that's cuz you're a loser who's bad with people, it's okay to admit it."

There's a twinge of fondness to the insult, and despite himself, he finds himself smiling a little at her tone. Still, he decides to retaliate by lightly pinching her on the calf, just under the crook of her knee.

"Ow! Will!"

She then retaliates to him by pulling on his hair again, harder this time despite only using one hand this time. He lets out a sharp cry of pain and smacks her on the knee, pulling out of her lap briefly to escape her wrath. She drops her hands once he's fully off of her and sitting up on his knees, and he scowls at her unamusedly. She scowls back at him, the two of them staring at each other for a moment with equal mild annoyance.

Then, face unchanging, Lila pats her thigh, looking even more annoyed when he doesn't immediately lay back down. "Well?"

He huffs, but obliges, flopping back in her lap, this time on his back so he can continue to scowl at her. One of her hands returns to his hair, and the other one grabs one of his hands, though it feels less like she's just trying to hold his hand and more like she's trying to restrain him from pinching her again. Which, really, is super unfair, given that he only pinched her because she was being mean to him. And she pulled his hair first. And because she always does shit like that to him, and he deserves a chance to defend himself...

...but she is petting his hair in a way he likes again, and her face has softened a little, her lips now in that tiny but genuine sort of half smile he's only seen her use on him. He smiles back at her, wobbly and crooked but just as genuine, letting out a little laugh despite how genuinely annoyed he was moments prior.

"You're the worst," he says, and though he kind of means it he also says it with all the affection in the world. "I am sorry I can't answer your question, though."

"Hey, you also suck," Lila says back, but she coos it in the same tone you'd use on a mischievous kitten. "And it's fine, honestly. It wasn't a serious question, anyway. I was just wondering."

They fall quiet for a moment, and William's eyes fall to their enjoined hands, watching as Lila idly traces his fingers with her thumb. He's struck, then, with the oddest thought—that being, the thought that he does love her, in some weird way, despite the constant bickering and occasional minor physical attacks. That no matter how hard she makes it for him, he cares about her, and he wishes she would let him do that without constantly trying to fight on him on it. That he's glad she loves him too, in her own weird way, because he knows she does but he rarely gets to hear her say it out loud.

Not that he could ever say all that to her, of course. She'd probably just make fun of him.

Instead, he says, "If it is you with the crush...you know I'd be here to listen if you wanted to talk about it, right?"

He's fully prepared to let the conversation end there, but she surprises him by letting out a sigh and saying, "I don't even know if it is a crush."

He raises his eyebrows at that, trying not to get too excited at the information he was just given. She'd hate it if he said it out loud, but she's really easy to scare away on these rare moments where she's being open or vulnerable. "What do you mean?" he asks, trying not to let his voice soften too much.

She groans loudly at that, but she hasn't stopped talking, which, score. "I dunno, William, like...the crush question was kind of a joke? But it also kind of wasn't?"

"...elaborate?"

She groans louder, loud enough to startle him a little. She must feel him jump, because she gives his forehead a light pat before entangling her fingers back in his curls, the hair petting having mostly stopped now. "When I think about this person...I want to hold them as tight as possible and not let go. And squeeze their hand and just...hold it. And..." She grimaces, like it pains her to admit it. "And kiss them, maybe. On their stupid fucking face. Among...other things that I suppose I will graciously spare you."

She taps his ring as she says that, making him giggle. "Thank you. I appreciate that," he says, smiling broadly up at her for a moment, before his face falls back into an inquisitive frown. "Uh, but, Lila? I'm no expert, but that...kind of sounds like a crush? I think?"

Lila chews on her lip for a moment, as if considering what she's going to say next. When she finally speaks, William feels his heart cease to beat in his chest.

"I know, but like...a lot of that is stuff I want to do with you."

William feels his face grow hot, and he stammers, ice cold panic rushing through his veins. Yeah, he loves Lila, but it's not—it's not like that, he's not comfortable with—she knows he's not—

"Not the—not the sex stuff!" Lila says suddenly, giving him a harsh shake. "I didn't say I wanted to do all of that with you, take a fucking breath, Will!"

Oh, he did stop breathing for a second there, didn't he? He inhales deeply as she told him to, letting her lightly push him upright into a sitting position on the bed. He twists around a bit so the two of them are side by side, and she immediately tugs him closer until his head is on her shoulder, awkwardly patting his back in a way he thinks she thinks is comforting. It's a little much, honestly, given that his moment of panic really was just a moment—it was instant relief hearing that she wasn't into him in that way, and it was kind of silly for his brain to jump to that conclusion in the first place anyway since he mostly knows where they'd drawn the lines in their relationship, even if they've never properly talked about it—but he likes these rare occasions where she attempts to fuss over him, so he's not going to protest it. It's kind of sweet, really, even if it's obvious that she has no idea how to comfort another human being.

"Ugh," she says, sounding more embarrassed than exasperated. "Ugh, I said that in the stupidest way, sorry." Then, after a pause, she adds, "I mean...it's all just stupid, anyway."

"Aww, no it's not," William says gently, very comfortable in his place nestled against her side. "I guess I get what you mean though. I know I don't have a crush on you, but I like cuddling you and stuff. I'd also feel weird if I suddenly felt the same thing toward someone else but with...other stuff too."

"Yeah," Lila says, sounding mopey. Probably because she's moping, if he had to guess. "It's not just that, either, wanting to touch this person the way I touch you also feels...different. Different in a way that's hard to pin down." She grabs his hand, having lost it in the shuffle of him sitting up, and once again starts tracing his fingers, running her thumb from the back of his hand, over his knuckles, down to his fingernails. "Like when I do this, it's nice, but I don't do it and think about you as my boyfriend. That'd be disgusting."

William barks out a laugh at that. Technically, it could be an insult toward him, but... "I understand what you're getting at, yeah. I want to be close to you, but you're not, like, my girlfriend or anything, and I wouldn't really want you to be. You're just my friend, but, like...a friend I want to cuddle sometimes."

"Stop saying that we cuddle," Lila scoffs, but the usual harshness of her tone is still rather muted. "But...yeah. Exactly. It's different, and it's weird."

William hums sympathetically, giving her arm a light pat. "Yeah," he says quietly. "That does sound weird." Then, after a pause, "I'm sorry. I wish I could help you more."

Lila huffs, letting her cheek rest against his head. "I wish you could help me more too," she bemoans, interlocking their fingers and giving his hand a light squeeze. "But, whatever. Just talking about it was nice, so you're not completely useless..."

Once again, William just chuckles at that. He can hear the unsaid Thank you in her voice, and he appreciates it, even if he does wish she would just be straightforwardly nice to him sometimes. Hell, not even just to him, oftentimes he wishes she would be nice in general.

But...she's working on it. He thinks. There's been a notable difference in the way she speaks to Martha, Ellie, and Regina, anyway. She's still on guard around Jim and Mike, and god, he doesn't really know what her deal with Tanya is, but she's friendlier with those three, at least. And...she's been more gentle with him, too. At the very least there's been less pinching.

He's proud of her. Which is another thing he can't tell her if he doesn't want her to laugh in his face, but, hey. Maybe one of these days.

"...you wanna lay down now?"

Her question pulls him out of his introspection, and William hums in assent, finally pulling his head off of her shoulder. "Are we gonna take a nap now?" he asks, rubbing at his face absently. "I got pretty close to falling asleep before, well, you know."

She sniffs, pulling her legs up on the bed and stretching out behind him, her arms and legs reaching each end of the mattress before she rolls back onto her side and brings them back in again. "I mean, you can sleep if you want. I don't know if I will."

"You're not at all tired?" he asks, curling up on his side next to her. They're face to face, now, and he can see the exhaustion in her face, as well as the slight flush left over from their conversation.

"Not really," she sniffs. "I mean, I don't think I am enough to fall asleep. I just want to rest my eyes a little."

"Oh, okay," he says, scooting a little closer to her. "I might fall asleep. You didn't want to talk more, did you?"

Lila shakes her head rather than verbally answer, and William smiles to himself. She's probably going to fall asleep too, judging by the way she's gotten quieter, but even if she doesn't, he knows she'll let him sleep if he needs to. Unless something important happens. Or if she gets too bored, which is something important in Lila's eyes.

She kind of is the worst, but luckily for her, he kind of does love her.

He lets his eyes fall closed then, pressing further into her warmth until he's tucked up under her chin. She doesn't fight him on it, instead wrapping a loose arm over him, and he knows he's very close to drifting off when he hears her ask one last thing.

"You're really not going to ask who my hypothetical crush is on, are you?"

It's an interesting remark—it almost sounds like she's disappointed. Still, it's not interesting enough for him to open his eyes. "I kinda figured I wouldn't be able to get it out of you," he mumbles, his voice muffled by her collarbone. "Why?"

"...I dunno. I just thought you would ask," she says, starting to sound close to sleep herself.

"Did you want me too?"

"No." She says it too quickly. And then amends, "Maybe..."

He laughs sleepily, resting one curled up hand on the small of her waist, wanting to be closer, trying to absorb the warmth she's emanating—she's always run weirdly warm, while he runs weirdly cold. He tries not too think too hard about the way that makes them fit so well together. "Tell you what. When I wake up, I'll pester you about it as much as you want me to. Is that okay?"

"I didn't want you to pester me," she protests, scowl audible in her voice. "Just ask."

He laughs again, suddenly overwhelmed with a feeling of contentment. "'m gonna pester you so hard," he mumbles, picturing the dirty look he knows she's giving him despite his still closed eyes. "'m not gonna leave you alone until you give me answers. S'only fair."

"How's that fair?"

"I mean...you pester me when I try to keep secrets from you."

"I don't..." Lila protests, but she sounds amusingly unsure. "Besides, since when did you try to keep secrets from me anyway...?"

"Mm. I stopped tryin' cuz you'd always get them outta me."

"Well, that just sounds like your fault."

"...maybe you've got me there," he mumbles, chuckling softly. "I jus' think it's my turn to needle somethin' out of you this time, mmkay?"

"Yeah, well, good luck with that," Lila grumbles, making him giggle more.

The two of them then lapse into a comfortable silence, aside from their quiet breathing. William is just about asleep when he feels more than hears Lila murmur something against his hair.

"Love you, Will. No matter what happens."

He smiles widely at that. She must think he's asleep—rarely does she say that she loves him without him saying it first. Even then, he usually receives it with a (nonetheless fond) eye roll, so hearing it now sounding so genuine is a nice treat.

"Love you too, Lila," he mumbles back, his voice slurred from exhaustion. "Love you so so much."

Given the way she tenses, he was probably right in thinking that she thought he was asleep. Still, she doesn't respond with a protest or a quip like she normally does, whether because of her tiredness, or maybe she just wanted to let a nice moment linger for once. Either way, he'll count that as a win.

It doesn't take him long to drift off after that, the smile not leaving his face even as he sleeps.

[existentiallyadrift]

Some thoughts in my head after today’s therapy session (trigger warning - child abuse):

“If people have a guilty conscience or reaction to something, that means they’re guilty of what the other person thinks they did.”

WRONG. At least in my experience. Hear me out.

At a base level gaslighting is when someone is made to feel like their reality of what happened to them is not accurate, and something else happened entirely than what they recollect, right? Perhaps what I’m about to describe is a form of that.

As a child, I experienced a fair amount of abuse. Most of it was mental/emotional abuse, which most days to me feels the most insidious. In most cases the physical abuse heals. The emotional abuse rarely does.

One specific form of mental abuse I experienced all throughout my childhood (and more so in my teenage years as I grew up and was no longer as easy to control through physical abuse), was to accuse me constantly of doing things I did not do. Primarily things with some perception of malicious intent behind them. Even innocuous things like a door or blinds being opened or closed, had some perceived malicious slight and intent in my mother’s mind and it was all an attempt by us children to “hurt” her. Because we were “bad and ungrateful children.” It was a barrage of paranoid accusations nearly every single day. This type of psychological warfare is literally what recruits in basic training are subjected to in order to evoke a state of anxiety and stress. It’s done to try and break people’s mental strength. Like full on adults. And unlike boot camp, for children there’s no specific end date in sight.

Conversely, if I did do something “wrong” like accidentally breaking something, my attempts at explanation were waved off with an air of ludicrousness. “You expect me to ACTUALLY believe…”

My entire childhood was this way. In conjunction with a very socially restrictive childhood that was mostly isolated, I literally grew up thinking the following was the normal operating state of people:

1. It doesn’t matter what you say or how honest you’re being, everyone thinks you’re lying and making things up. You constantly try to mitigate this by over explaining things and thinking about ways to convince the other person you’re actually being honest

2. People are all paranoid and will accuse you of things as a means of manipulation. While the first part of all people are paranoid is the initial observation that comes at a young age, it’s not until you’re older and in a different (dare I say normal) environment comes the second part or the realization that it’s a manipulation tactic.

As things happened I was trained to constantly mitigate toxic mental or physical abuse by constantly running through scenarios of all the possible ways my behavior or responses could be interpreted and habitually trying to do anything I could to head that off at the pass. And if left unchecked will definitely manifest in what could be construed as guilty behavior. Or I was constantly trying to anticipate all the things (no matter how unlikely) I might be accused of doing.

This is one of example of many of the mental abuses my brother and I were subjected to. I suspect my oldest brother also, but because he was so much older than me I can’t confirm. Is our experience the exception to the “guilty conscience” theory or the norm? By all the deities that may exist I hope it’s the exception. But who’s to say?

I guess what I’m really trying to say is treat people with kindness, and maybe they really are not guilty even though they’re acting odd. But it’s also ok to keep enough of your mental well being safe, just in case they aren’t. And I’m definitely not saying be a perpetual emotional open door for people; this is geared towards a first or second time of encountering this type of behavior.

Deprogramming years of this type of regular abuse takes a long time and happens in degrees. Unfortunately for some it may never happen. So be kind to one another. And most of all, be kind to yourself.

[sidney-latrobe]

since she’s been around and in the bad parts of the neighborhood and she misses fez and wants to get back together with him but then she sees faye and it’s just a wtf type of moment/moment of confusion ? i’m picturing a multitude of sass, jealous, and angst since the reader and fez always been really okay even if they weren’t together. i hope this makes sense. thank you so much in advance! i love your work.

There was another similar request, but I'm just going to answer one.

Summary: You grew up in Fezco's neighborhood and went to high school with him. At some point, you started going out, but it didn't work, and Fezco broke up with you. You missed him and wanted to check up on him, trying to see if maybe there's a chance for you two to work things through and get back together, but then, you met Faye.

Content Warning: Jealous Reader, Sassy Reader, Angst, Strong Language, First-Person-POV Reader

Word Count: 2.028

Personal Note: Hey, thank you so much for requesting this. It's true, I haven't really dived into the whole angst and jealousy section of my writing yet, and I'm a little scared it's not as good as you hope. Anyway, thanks for liking the content I post. Don't @ me because of the ending. I know it's not the best :)

Life was not kind. It wasn't meant to be. Take a look at the animal kingdom; only the strongest survived. If you are too slow, you get eaten. Too visible, you'll get eaten. Too big, you'll get eaten. In Charles Darwin's Theory of Evolution, he describes how organisms evolve over generations through the inheritance of physical or behavioral traits. The theory starts with the premise that there is variation in traits within a population, such as a beak shape in one of the Galapagos finches Darwin studied.

According to the theory, individuals with traits that enable them to adapt to their environments will help them survive and have more offspring, which will inherit those traits. Individuals with less adaptive traits will less frequently stay to pass them on. Over time, the traits that enable species to survive and reproduce will become more frequent in the population, and the people will change or evolve.

Let's assume we can apply this theory to our society; everyone has different traits. Even in a community that wants you to be confident about your flaws and embrace them, we're still divided. Some are fortunate and grow up in a stable home, inherit their parents' money at thirty, and continue to sell what the family had been trading for over a hundred years. Other's came from nothing and built a life for themselves, lived the American Dream, some might say.

But some climb the ladder and get dragged down by forces beyond their control.

What about these people?

Was it fair their parents abused them?

Was it fair he got raped at the age of eight by his uncle?

Was it fair she was drugged and sold into slavery?

Was it fair or perhaps necessary for these people to experience this kind of trauma, this pain and hurt to become ... stronger? More adaptable to our world? If these people learn anything, no one helps you, that you are always alone and you can trust no one.

—

I was created in the womb of a drug addict, and my mother's mother was a prostitute. I was supposed to struggle from a young age, but I was temporarily saved by a lesbian couple that adopted me.

My mothers raised me in East Highland. They tried to buy a house on the east side of town-owned by Cal Jacobs, a well-known contractor, but the downpayment was beyond their price limit, so they settled for an apartment in the west.

It was a bad neighborhood; it was the sort of place where you could not walk around by yourself as soon as the sunset (no matter your gender, unless you packed a gun), and you were on a first-name basis with your weekly mugger.

One of our neighbors used to be a tall, blonde lady who always wore bright suits and heels, carrying a gun in her purse. I liked her. Whenever my parents couldn't watch me, they brought me to Marie. She allowed me to sit in front of the TV and eat cereal for dinner. Sometimes, she would shout things into her phone that I didn't understand and take off with two of three revolvers in her purse, but I didn't worry about it. I felt safe with her.

Then, around my tenth or eleventh birthday, I met Marie's grandson, Fezco. He had a brutal blue eye and was somewhat awkward around me as if he had never been around another kid his age, which, sadly, was the truth.

Fezco was the son of a strip club owner, and his mother was a stripper he had never met. I doubt he wanted to. From what I was told and overheard, he lived with his abusive father and worked in the strip club to earn his living. I don't know what sort of work he did there, and to be honest, he scared me sometimes. He was very intuitive that brain of his always scheming. Once, I stormed into his apartment to ask if he wanted to hang out, and I had startled him. It was the first and last time he pulled a gun on me.

He didn't like to be alone with me, and it had bothered me so much that I locked us in a cabinet and swallowed the keys. That day, our friendship began, and I got punched by a man for the first time but unfortunately, not last time.

Though we were close, Fezco and his grandmother tried to keep their illegal business away from me as long as possible. She didn't want the responsibility of another ruined future on her hands and my mothers, well, they were decent people living in the wrong neighborhood.

Fezco grew up too fast. His grandmother became sick, and he was forced to take care of her, his younger brother Ashtray and run a drug-dealing business from a young age. I offered him my help, but he never accepted. He didn't like to be a victim.

At the age of fourteen, my uncle died. My mother took his loss hard; they were twins. Quickly, she became depressed, never leaving the house, and used self-inflicted pain as a sort of escape. Seven months after my uncle's funeral, I found her body in the bathroom. She had overdosed and died from a seizure. I don't remember much of the day, but I do recall that it had been a warm day with fantastic weather that lured you outside and spread happiness.

I never dealt with my mother's death as I probably should have. My mother, who had been sexually assaulted a year later by her boss, quit her job and took off one day without telling me. I was sixteen.

Fezco and Ashtray took me in, and to no one's surprise, Fezco and I slept together only a month later. I thought he saw me as a younger sister and still did even after having sex a couple of times. I didn't know I loved him as much as he must have loved me until he remembered my birthday and tried to bake a cake. It tasted horrible and was hard as a rock, but I ate it all, throwing it up later because it gave me food poisoning, but I was never happier.

Our joy, however, was not destined to last. After graduating from high school, Fez and I got accepted to the local community college. Fezco dropped out of school after only a few months. He never told me why, but I suspected it had something to do with his criminal business. Knowing he didn't trust me enough after all these years pained me. We had a massive argument that night, and I moved out the next day.

Though we were no longer together, I remained in contact with him—for Ashtray, he was my godson after all.

—

Ashtray's birthday was coming up—even if it may not be his actual birthday, Marie had decided that the day his mother abandoned him at her apartment should be replaced with better memories. Although I haven't lived with him for over a year, we still called and texted regularly.

I placed the wrapped gift onto the passenger seat before starting my car's engine, waiting for the motor to finish howling before I shifted gears and drove from my apartment complex parking lot. The drive toward the shop was short. Although I still lived in the same town, I haven't heard any gossip about Fezco. A friend of mine mentioned his name once, and I had almost strangled them just to find out she visited his shop to buy weed.

After a short fifteen-minute drive, I pulled up to his shop. It looked just as it had done a year ago, and a slight grin curved my lips. Though it was just a place, I missed it.

I stepped out of the car and took the present from the passenger seat before heading inside. Fezco sat next to the counter, smoking a cigarette as he always did. He lifted his gaze, and the cigarette almost dropped from his lips as he stared at me dumbfounded.

"Y/N?" asked Fezco, jumping from the counter.

"Hey," I said and allowed the smile he ignited to take over my face.

Fezco had remained the same. His hair was cut short, but his long and thick lashes still made me envious. He took a step forward and embraced me briefly. After smelling him, I had to swallow hard to clear my brain; he smelt fantastic.

"What you doing here?" he asked, looking hopeful.

"I wanted to give Ashtray his present —"

"Hey, can I—oh, hey. I'm Faye."

I glanced behind him, and the smile vanished from my face as fast as it came. Behind Fezco stood a tall, thin blonde woman. She wore risky cut-off shorts and a top that didn't need to leave anything to the imagination because it covered practically nothing. She was pretty, stunning. My eyes flickered between her and Fezco, and I hoped he would say something, anything to put the worries inside my head to rest, but Fezco remained silent as if he didn't know how to explain why she was here.

"Who's this?" I asked, my tone harsher than I hoped it would be.

Fezco glanced from Faye to me and muttered, "Oh, she, uh, she's staying with me for a while."

Faye turned and took a seat on the cooler. I almost let out a growl as I saw her perky butt cheeks. She wasn't the kind of girl Fezco dated, she couldn't be, but to be honest, he didn't date anyone besides me. The stranger smiled at me, and I gave her a mere glare.

"Y/N?" said Fezco, concern tugging at his brows. "You alright?"

There was a scream from deep within that almost forced its way from my mouth; it was as if my terrified soul had unleashed a demon. All I felt was anger; all I felt was that I didn't want to imagine what she was to him. Yet these filthy imagines flashed in my mind, and these fists clenched, and my teeth lock up once the sound is out. I'm just gonna have to walk away for a while, see this "elephant" from a few miles away, figure it out.

"Yeah," I spat. "Didn't know you were running a charity for homeless addicts now."

Fezco ran a hand over his face, "It's not like that, Y/N."

"So, you're not fucking this bitch?"

"No! Why the fuck would I fuck her?"

Though I was relieved, the anger controlled me still. "Why would you let her live with you?"

"Because she murdered someone and is hiding from the police, and her boyfriend asked me for a favor because I owed him!"

Oh.

"God damn, Y/N. Faye, could you just fuck off for a second." The blonde left. "What's wrong with you?"

"I just … I was wrong, sorry."

"You jealous?"

"NO!"

"Come on, Y/N. Don't lied to me."

"I'm not jealous. I just … didn't think he moved on so quickly."

"We've been broken up for over a year."

"So? Doesn't mean I don't miss you!"

Now I had done it. I lost my temper. Fezco took a deep breath before he leaned against the fridge next to me.

"I missed you too."

Please like, comment, reblog, or follow if you like the content I post. Go check out my other works for Fezco here.

[championari]

The Owl House: Hunter and Trans Allegory

What does it mean to build your own identity? How do you exist in an environment that is both unwelcoming, and openly hostile to who you are? And how do you deal with the trauma that comes from suppression and the crippling expectations from living in that toxic environment?

The Owl House on Disney Channel/Disney+ has been breaking not only conventions for what is possible in fantasy stories but also queerness in children’s media. Many have already praised the show for its casual yet masterful representation of queer relationships and characters: Luz & Amity, Raine, and many others all provide ample representation to both the children and adults watching. But what if I told you there was more to this, and that in fact, there is another queer story being told not through pure text, but through allegory?

The story of Hunter, Like many recent bad guy, turned good guy characters such as Catra and Zuko, is a story of familial abuse and trauma. About characters who learn to break away from their toxic mindsets, and relationships to help the heroes save the world. Where Hunter’s story diverges from Catra’s and Zuko’s however, is in the theme of identity. Catra and Zuko had to rebuild their identities in response to their childhood trauma, while Hunter’s story is about coming to terms with and accepting you’re already existing identity, in an environment where that identity is discouraged and outright prohibited. 

To put it succinctly, Hunter’s story is an allegory of what it is like to be a trans person, raised by a radicalized Christian dictator, who learns to break away from that dictator and begins to embrace his true identity. I am going to explain how, by studying each step in Hunter’s journey and how each of them relate to themes of suppression, trauma, and eventually, liberation.

DISCLAIMER(S): 

I am not trans myself, so I am automatically NOT as qualified to discuss this topic as many others may potentially be. I am writing this analysis off of the stories of trans people I have met and seen online and the stories they themselves have written like The Matrix, along with my personal observations while watching the episodes for the first time. If there are any mistakes/potential tidbits to add in this analysis, please do not be afraid to let me know via replies so I can edit appropriately.

If you are sensitive to the word queer, you’ll want to keep scrolling. I myself am a queer person and I use the word ‘queer’ as an umbrella term. I won’t be mean to you if you do not like it, but this analysis will be filled with it, so I am only extending fair warning.

I want to make it clear that I am NOT imposing this interpretation onto others. There can be multiple different readings of a character and/or a story. If you still read Hunter’s story as exclusively about familial trauma and abuse, then that is an entirely valid reading supported by the text. I also believe there is a valid reading of the text where Hunter’s story is also about the struggle of a trans teen. Both can co-exist because multiple interpretations can exist simultaneously. That’s what makes literary analysis fun.

A “Purifying” Environment

At the heart of Hunter’s story lies the question of identity, and who you are in relation to other people. Hunter is in a constant state of instability throughout the series about who or what he is, both to himself and to others. And a majority of that instability arises from the toxic relationship between him and his uncle, Emperor Belos, aka Phillip Wittebane. So to understand the allegory, we need to understand his relationship to Belos, and why he treats Hunter so terribly.

Belos is Hunter’s creator and parental figure but the reason why he created him can be traced back to his broken view of the world and how that worldview ultimately destroyed his relationship with his brother, Caleb. 

Phillip and Caleb Wittebane grew up in 1600s Connecticut and thus have an extremely outdated and harmful opinion on the idea of non-conformity. During this time in America, the Salem Witch Trials (a movement circulated by Puritan Christians that branded many women as outsiders and unnatural), was circulating, an ideology that both Phillip and Caleb were indoctrinated into. That “Witch Hunters” were protecting humanity and that witches, the poster children of non-normality, needed to be destroyed. 

Yet when the two grew up, and eventually encountered a real witch, Caleb embraced them, while Phillip did not. And this growing rift between the two brothers reached a boiling point when Phillip discovered Caleb and the witch had fallen in love. Phillip, thinking that he was doing the right thing, kills Caleb and flees, vowing to destroy the Boiling Isles and all witches that inhabit it.

What Phillip learned in the fallout of their relationship were two things: one, that different peoples need to be kept segregated, a lesson already instilled by his Puritan upbringing. We see this clearly in Belos’ changes to the Boiling Isles: the outlawing of wild magic, and the separation of magic into different schools. Emperor Belos’ rhetoric about “The Titan’s Will” and how he’s “saving humanity from evil'' obviously alludes to the preaching's and ideas of any religion but especially Christianity. Emperor Belos is the representation of many religious leaders today, trying to destroy queer identity, and trying to keep trans people specifically from expressing their true selves. 

And two, that love, connection/closeness to others, is a weakness, one that can be exploited by anyone. Belos takes full advantage of this lesson, most notably at the end of Season 1, leveraging Eda and Lilith’s strained relationship to capture her and even using Luz’s connection with Eda to force her into giving him information. 

These two lessons are at the core of his and Hunter’s relationship. Belos constantly manipulates and gaslights him into suppressing his own natural identity, his trans identity, and keeps him under his thumb by weaponizing his desperate need for support and love, keeping this confused, traumatized child from leaving him like he should. When we meet Hunter in the series, he’s been fed a mental diet of blatant lies and gaslighting, disguised as his uncle “helping him achieve his potential”, which is manifested into his public identity, The Golden Guard.

Dishonest Performance

The beginning of Hunter’s story is all about what being closeted looks like for this character. Hunter, or The Golden Guard as he’s known in this episode, is performing the preferred identity given to him by Belos. The first anecdote we hear about him is from Lilith who describes him in a very negative light: 

“Did you know him in the Coven, Lilith?”

“Unfortunately, I did. He always got special treatment because he was “genius teen prodigy”. But he’s really just a brat.”

The exaggerated line by Lilith, referring to Hunter’s apparent favoritism with Belos, exposes the immediate issue in regards to Hunter’s status in the Emperor’s Coven. We know now with the full context that this supposed “favoritism” doesn’t equate to privilege, just as it doesn’t in real life. Belos has made sure that Hunter has stayed on his leash by bombarding him with only the highest expectations. These high expectations then combine with his lack of consistent love and support to give the poor child a perfectionist mindset. He’s expected to work just as hard as the adults in the Coven, despite being only 16 years old. And if he doesn’t follow through on them…

“The emperor is not a merciful man.”

“Come back with results, or else…”

Hunter has to stay silent, to be obedient, to be “perfect”. Which greatly relates to trans men and women having to either consistently perform the gender they are not comfortable with for others’ comfort, or overly perform the gender they are comfortable with, to “properly read” as that gender. Both of which have the same end-product: an inauthentic expression of one’s self.

I may be reaching here a bit, but it’s even in his name: Hunter. A Wittebane child who hunts witches, and doesn’t side with witches. Like anti-trans people, continually deadnaming, trying to impose who they believe trans people actually are, and not respecting their true selves. The name Belos has given him is completely antithetical to who Hunter is on the inside, as is his Golden Guard persona. He’s cold, calculating, ruthless, and completely devoted to Belos’ cause. Hunter hasn’t yet been given a chance to exist outside of The Emperor’s Coven, and as such, doesn’t yet know how to properly express himself. But give him time. 

Discovery of The Other

The Next stage of Hunter’s journey is all about the beginning signs of questioning one’s reality, and attempting to push back against the oppressive systems one is trapped in. After Belos’ outburst due to the curse, Hunter tries to help by suggesting potential solutions but is very quickly shot down. Throughout the episode, there are instances of Hunter beginning to speak enthusiastically about his passions but reflexively stops himself from continuing. This is obviously learned behavior, a byproduct of frequently either being ignored or actively silenced in the Emperor’s Coven. Trans people often are similarly silenced, with many places outright prohibiting discussion of trans topics like the recent legislation in Texas about anti-trans laws. 

Hunter then tries to prove himself to Belos by capturing the Palisman, which is interrupted by Luz. Meeting Luz is probably the biggest change in Hunter’s life thus far because she finally gives him what he desperately needs: an example of the other side. Someone his age who shares his passion for magic, who listens intently to what he believes is his past, and who trusts him with the staff when he isn’t sure. It’s this mutual connection that allows Hunter to start letting down some of his walls. He shares his past with her and his name. 

“At least you have your future figured out now.”

“At least you can figure out you’re own.”

And it’s that vulnerability that draws Flapjack to him. Flapjack is the symbol of Hunter’s transness because not only is he a product of wild magic, which according to Belos is forbidden making it an analogy for queerness, but he also knew Caleb, and thus knows Hunter‘s natural identity. A living conduit between who he is now, and who he is truly meant to be. In fact, it may be likely that Caleb shared Hunter’s feelings of isolation, feeling just as pressured by his Christian upbringing. It’s not a coincidence that in the brief moments Hunter voiced his frustration with being unable to control his future, Flapjack began to warm up to him. The Bat Queen explicitly stated that: 

“[The Palismen] want to feel a connection. State your deepest wish, and your likeminded partner will find you.”

Flapjack recognized the desire for freedom that Caleb also felt when he was alive. And in choosing him, Hunter now begins to question himself. “Before I could only do magic because of Belos, now a wild magic creature has chosen me. But people who use wild magic are different, shunned. So what does that make me now?”

Choosing Familiarity Over Honesty

But one instance of vulnerability isn’t enough to break the years of toxic conditioning. In Eclipse Lake, Hunter is introduced by his attempts to hide Flapjack from Belos, his symbol for nonconformity. He’s discovered a new path in life, yet he’s not certain or ready to walk it. He met someone at least somewhat similar to him (a fellow queer person) and is now beginning to question himself, but he’s not certain of what it means yet. And this divisiveness is worsened by Belos giving him a rare moment of genuine affection, telling him about rain in the human realm and reassuring him that:

“Everyone has a use, Hunter. Kikimora has her intricate little plans, the scouts carry out orders, and you well…The Titan has big plans for you. It would be such a hassle to find a replacement.” 

So naturally, when Belos refuses to give him another chance, Hunter immediately goes against his orders to find the Titan’s Blood. Belos doesn’t need to tell Hunter he’s given him another chance because he already knows Hunter will do anything to get his approval, so by refusing, he’s offering Hunter the opportunity to surprise him. He’s giving Hunter incentive to stay trapped in the inauthentic identity, despite his growing discomfort with that identity. 

Despite starting to let his true self out, Belos reels him back in with the promise of affirmation and love. And see, that’s the thing. Right now, Hunter is at his “Crossroads of Destiny” moment throughout the episode, to borrow a phrase of from Avatar: The Last Airbender. He’s still carrying out Belos’ word, but at the same time is followed by Flapjack, and he even allows himself to be honest to Amity. 

“We have a lot in common, Blight. We’re both trying to show what we can bring to the table. And we can’t fail. ‘Cause, there’s nothing worse than disappointing someone who thinks you’re special.”

Because of this openness, He's given a choice by Amity reaching out to help him: either accept Amity’s offer, accept his trans identity and head into a completely new and unfamiliar chapter of his life, or refuse and return to the environment that while suffocating him is a place he knows. See, to come out is not a linear process, it’s not just flipping a switch or one single life-defining decision. You have to navigate many different pitfalls of accepting the new you, telling your loved ones, and having to figure out how to present yourself to society as a whole. It’s a lot to deal with, especially for a teenager, living in a highly abusive and bigoted household. And with Belos’ approval seemingly just one successful mission out of his reach, it’s easier to accept that than to leave behind all that you knew for practically strangers. So unsurprisingly, when Hunter sees that Amity has the key, he sees a chance to reclaim the safety and affirmation Belos dangled in front of him. And yet despite his mistake, Flapjack is still there for him. He didn’t choose to come out yet, but his natural identity is still there, just waiting to have a chance to be expressed without judgment or expectations.

“But there are people out there who won’t make you feel worthless. You just…have to let yourself meet them.”

Finding Community and Identity

“Any Sport in A Storm” is, I'd argue, one of the most important episodes in Hunter’s arc both in trans allegory and just plain change from bad guy to good guy. Before now Hunter had been extremely isolated, and even after meeting Flapjack and Luz, Hunter still has to deal with being looked down on in the castle. He’s expected to play the part of “The Golden Guard”, and yet in the opening, we see that there is no reward for playing a role that is antithetical to who Hunter really is. 

Hunter, by returning in Eclipse Lake, has once again trapped himself in an identity that he subconsciously doesn’t want, and no one else other than Belos gives him reward or praise for doing so. But then Darius gives him an idea. Darius who has seen the expectations of the Golden Guard up close, who had formed a mentorship and possibly a friendship with this previous Grimwalker. It’s debatable how much Darius actually knows about what Hunter is, but it ultimately doesn’t matter. Darius has seen before what suppression of your identity can do to someone, and he doesn’t want it to happen again.

So like Luz, Darius (a character that follows tropes of queercoded Disney villains) gives Hunter something to do: look for people his age, and make friendships. I want to emphasize this particularly, because finding mutuals is such an important part of navigating trans identity. In a world that is seemingly becoming more and more dangerous to trans people, both psychologically and physically, finding others like you is very important. To have support, people to talk to. And Darius disguises it as a mission, framing it as a way to prove himself like Belos would, but for a goal that is for the self, and not community.

“I didn’t have a space to meet people like me, especially not of my own age – that, I think is the important thing to take away from these experiences which left me floating around to various queer spaces where I didn’t entirely fit in. I found these to be mostly dominated by queer men, and even events like Pride are not entirely different.” -Meenakshi, Being Trans and Feeling Lonely, pg. 2

So Hunter, without the suffocating eyes of Belos bearing down on him and desperate to prove himself, goes to Hexside and meets Willow and Gus. It’s with them that he gives himself a new name: Caleb. A name suggested by Flapjack, the symbol of Hunter’s trans identity. Willow, being her naturally kind and empathetic self immediately takes him in. But despite being welcomed in with open arms, the wounds from his past are still raw. Hunter still can’t separate his Golden Guard identity from his new one, because he’s spent all of his life only knowing himself by that one identity. 

“Where I come from, even chances have to be earned. Especially if you’re considered half a witch like me.”

The camera angle here is most interesting, in that it shows Hunter’s reflection in the window, because he’s right now, of two different identities. There’s two sides to him, one of the Golden Guard that is causing friction with Willow, and one of Caleb, trapped in the reflection, with the window framing him behind bars. This motif of mirrors or reflections is also a common motif throughout trans cinema shown in stories like The Matrix.

Yet despite this internal crisis, Willow is able to push past the self-defense reactions drilled into him and is able to make him work together with the rest of the team, which leads to the team’s victory. This victory is important to Hunter, he feels like he’s managed to accomplish his mission and so the Golden Guard persona rears its head again. He thinks this is what he wanted, but when asked this, he falters.

“I can wear this proudly now, right?”

“Can you?”

Hunter doesn’t respond because on a subconscious level, he already knows he can’t. He constructed an identity that allowed him to express his authentic self, and that identity gained him approval and love from Willow, Gus, and the team. Without the toxic set of expectations or conditions Belos always imposed on him. He let his true self out, for long enough to where putting it back in the closet doesn’t feel right anymore. 

“Steve is beginning to regret his choices.”

“...I think Hunter is too.”

So for the first time in his life, Hunter actively stands up to authority, rescuing the team and defending them from Darius. He gives up his supposed chance at being The Golden Guard, his familiar identity, and chooses his marginalized one. And he does so expecting consequences, But Darius proves him wrong. Again, it’s unclear how much of the true history of the Golden Guard Darius really knows about, but to me, I think he knows that the Golden Guard position is just a role Belos uses to manipulate those who have it and instead wants Hunter to break away from that toxic mindset, and become his own person. He gives him the Scroll, keeps Flapjack secret, and gives him approval for standing up to him. 

Hunter has now crossed a threshold, and while he may not have chosen to explicitly go against Belos, he is at the very least a bit more connected to his true self. As previously discussed, coming out can be a long, difficult and even dangerous process, which is why support from others is so important. Now Hunter can start to more freely express himself knowing that there are others who care about HIM. Caleb, and not The Golden Guard. Which is shown with him sending photos of Flapjack to an undisclosed someone (my money’s on Willow btw). He’s gained a small semblance of stability. But then…”Hollow Mind”.

Losing Stability

Hunter by this point has already grown a lot. He’s become more open, has made friends, and by now has defied the orders he once took extremely seriously on multiple occasions. He’s begun to embrace his trans self, but “Hollow Mind” cuts Hunter to his core because everything he has known to be true is practically thrown out and stomped on. That the man he so desperately craved his approval of, destroyed lives for his own benefit, and that he, Hunter was not just used for that end, but he was specifically CREATED to be a warped “fixed” version of his dead brother. Belos specifically engineered, conditioned, and brainwashed each Grimwalker he made (including Hunter) to be in his mind, a perfected Caleb. Phillip saw Caleb falling in love with a witch as something inherently wrong with him, and in creating Grimwalkers as his way to “fix” him. A kind of twisted conversion therapy imposed on The Grimwalkers to remove the identity they were born with, which again, is something many religious people have advocated for in regards to queer people, especially trans people.

"He's...a better version of an old friend."

And when Hunter begins to question this, hoping against all hope that Belos is not the monster he really is, Belos says this:

“Out of all the Grimwalkers, you look the most like him.” 

It’s framed as a statement, but knowing the full context, we can tell it’s a death sentence. Belos has intrinsically linked Hunter questioning his authority to Caleb rebelling against what they had been taught as children; choosing self-expression and one’s marginalized identity over the collective community. And to Belos, the Puritan psychopath, there is no greater crime against humanity than that. So like all the “failures” before him, Belos immediately goes for the throat, not even trying to convince Hunter to stay at his side, and opting to just kill him. And what makes this even worse, is that Hunter doesn’t even understand WHY Belos does it. He doesn’t know what a Grimwalker even is, nor that it was his acts of self-expression that caused Belos to throw him away. He hasn’t yet realized that these acts and feelings mean something important, that he’s trans.

Because of that, when he and Luz return from the mindscape, Hunter goes into an immediate panic attack. That familiar environment that he thought he had, is now gone. He no longer has anything to rely on, either an identity he hasn’t fully developed, or an identity he can no longer be. It’s different to earlier when he rejected the Golden Guard role to protect his friends because it was his choice to do so. Here, the choice was ripped away from him, leaving him with no firm ground to stand on. This is what causes Hunter to spiral, refusing Eda’s attempt to comfort him, throwing away the Golden Guard cloak that he cared about so much, and running away in terror. He doesn’t go to Darius or anyone else because right now, Hunter can’t trust anyone to help him. If Belos, the man he put his entire trust and self-worth into, had been lying to him his entire life, then that means anybody could be lying. 

This, sadly, is extremely common for trans teenagers, as in the United States, 1 out of 4 trans kids who come out are kicked out of their homes by transphobic parents as early as 17 years old, and forced to live in shared rooming houses and emergency shelters. All because their parents couldn’t rectify who their kids were, and who they feel comfortable as. But even then, some trans people actively avoid this outcome as not many trans people feel safe in these shelters, with so many strangers around them with no guarantee of non-discrimination. Now, obviously, we know that neither Darius nor Eda would ever even think of harming Hunter, but in the unstable, panicked state he was in, Hunter’s trust in anyone, even himself, practically evaporated. He was forced out of his own home, by the man he believed in, for something apparently “wrong” with him. He’s lost everything, and he doesn’t understand why.

Tentative Steps To The Future

We see Hunter again in “Labyrinth Runners” where it’s revealed he’s hiding out at Hexside. Instead of the Emperor’s Castle, or The Owl House, Hexside was the only place he could feel comfortable in because it was the place where he met Willow, Gus, and the team. The place where he made his first positive memories. It’s also at Hexside where we see Hunter has been researching Grimwalkers, what they are and why they’re extinct. I’ve always found this part very interesting because it feels very similar to finding out you’re queer. The research, the “am I queer?” quizzes, trying to figure out who you are, realizing you’re different. 

And all of this serves to heighten Hunter’s vulnerability, which is causing him to revert to old defense mechanisms. He tries to act tough and stoic, refusing the explain to Gus why he ran away from The Emperor’s Coven. He’s returning to old behaviors, not because they’re good, but because they’re familiar. They’re the only thing Hunter can rely on at this moment due to everything else being new, confusing, and terrifying. But like Luz and Willow before him, Gus is able to get through Hunter’s barriers by offering him a helping hand. Showing him that he’s not alone and that there are people who can and want to help him. And in doing so, Hunter finally chooses to let out his true self, returning Gus’ kindness by comforting him and protecting him, the same way a brother would. Just like Caleb. 

Yet despite beginning to act on it, he’s still not ready to come out yet, forcing Luz to not tell them the truth in the next episode “Clouds on the Horizon” with their conversation certainly paralleling conversation between a closeted person and an accepting close friend:

“Don’t you dare mention that thing around them!”

“What thing? That you’re a Grimwalker-”

“SHH! Listen, I don’t know if I’m a witch…or a human. All I know is that I’m a copy of someone Belos made disappear.”

“I don’t know what you three went through, but they seem to like you.”

“So I shouldn’t worry how they’d react, right? If that’s the case, then you told them about helping Phillip?...Yeah, I overheard everything. Don’t tell them…please.”

After this point the team including Luz and Amity take on Belos, and Belos and Hunter for the first time since “Hollow Mind” come face to face. Belos, even after nearly killing him, and now trying to kill his friends and himself with the Draining Spell, still makes a pathetic attempt to sway him back to his side, claiming that he “only wanted to help you”. He’s repeating the same toxic mindset he used against Caleb, the same ideology he even showed to Luz; witches are inherently evil and The Boiling Isles need to be destroyed: 

“I do pity you. These monsters have warped your sense of reality.” 

“I don’t want to see another human life destroyed by this place.”

The exact same mindset so many transphobic parents still carry to this day, that they are “saving their children” from trans people, that they need to be “sorted out” by therapists. And when Hunter calls him out, Belos sees Flapjack, he says “Caleb!” and attacks. Belos sees Flapjack, Hunter’s trans identity, and instantly recognizes it as the same one that Caleb, who also abandoned society’s expectations, had. And to him, this act of using that identity, especially against him, is irreversible damage. Hunter is too far gone in his mind, so the only option left is to destroy him. And this is the last time, as of yet, they speak to each other. At the end of the episode Hunter, along with Willow, Gus, Amity and Luz are trapped within the human world. With no current solution on how to get back.

A New Path

The path of finding yourself, amidst the prejudices, social expectations, and otherwise, is often a very difficult, and for many, traumatic experience. You have to not only figure out who you are to yourself and others but also contend with long-held beliefs by systems designed to separate people into binaries. Loyal or traitor, perfect or failure, male or female. 

While Hunter’s story is not explicitly about a trans child coming to terms with his abusive upbringing, the themes of suppression of the natural identity, rebellion from the status quo, and found family all speak to trans experience. And that is just as valid and important. Trans children will watch The Owl House, and may see themselves in Hunter, helping them get their feet in the door regarding their own identities. 

EXTRA TIDBITS I DIDN’T KNOW WHERE TO INCLUDE BUT FIND REALLY INTERESTING:

One of the ingredients required to make a Grimwalker is Selkidommus Scales, based on the legend of Selkies in Scotland, shapeshifters who change from seals to women. a clear take on the mermaid legend.

“The little mermaid - both the mermaid symbol and the story most identified with her - have deeper meaning for queer and transgender individuals. As a symbol, the mermaid is non-binary in its essence: she defies binaries and dichotomies by living on sea and above it, being both human and animal and having a human identity but no human genitalia - an identity not dependent on sex organs.” -Mermaids and Drag Queens: A Queer Look at Mermaiding by Yuval Avrami

Flapjack being a Cardinal also connects to trans struggle: Cardinals symbolize rebirth in ancient Egypt and Greece as they considered it a phoenix bird, being “reborn” in a new gender.

Sources:

https://publications.aap.org/pediatrics/article/148/2/e2020016907/179762/Disparities-in-Childhood-Abuse-Between-Transgender?autologincheck=redirected 

https://www.ucl.ac.uk/psychiatry/sites/psychiatry/files/talen_wright_blog_2020_07_28.pdf 

https://www.suicideinfo.ca/resource/transgender-people-suicide/ 

https://lesley.edu/article/the-cost-of-coming-out-lgbt-youth-homelessness 

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2017/apr/06/transgender-and-homeless-the-young-people-who-cant-get-the-support-they-need 

https://www.ipublishing.co.in/see-a-cardinal-meaning-symbolism#Western_Tradition_Beliefs 

https://www.caringcardinals.com/spiritual-symbolism#:~:text=Cardinals%20represent%20devotion%2C%20loving%20relationships,fortune%20and%20sun%20with%20them.

[theghostnugget]

Hiei has C-PTSD

This is going to be a long-ass post so get a cup of hot cocoa, get comfy with a nice blanket, turn the lights down low and get ready to feel sad

I hope I make you cry

Content Warning: Non-graphic discussions of neglect, abuse, suicidal thoughts, exposure to violence in childhood, trauma reactions... Please feel free to tell me if there's anything else I missed

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Complex Post Traumatic Stress disorder can both be more severe if:

The trauma happened early in life (which for Hiei it definitely did considering he's 14 at the oldest at the beginning of the series)

The trauma was caused by the primary caregiver - We see the guy he refers to as his father for about five seconds but in those scant seconds we see a drunk who's willing to steal from a baby and then abandon that baby after years of exposing him to violence. At best, Hiei grew up in an emotionally neglectful environment where he was constantly exposed to death and bloodshed, taught that his emotions were a weakness, and taught to be violent himself if he wanted to survive - I can only assume there was other forms of abuse that we didn't see because Hiei wasn't willing to share them with Mukuro - who was practically a stranger at that point

The trauma lasted a long time - His whole life has been bouncing from one horrific event to the next - Taken from his mom, almost murdered, taken in by beligerent assholes, abandoned by said assholes, constantly taking care of his own safety from a young age in an environment where no one seems to have qualms about murdering a child for a necklace, losing the only item that matters to him and the only connection to his family, an incredibly painful surgery that took away his ability to defend himself, finding out his mother killed herself over grief about losing him, finding out his sister went missing also because of him, finding his sister only to A. hate himself too much to tell her the truth and B. realize she's been tortured for 5 years and he didn't save her, OH and let's not forget that in season 2 his life is threatened if he doesn't join a life-or-death tournament and in season 3 he is forced to helplessly watch as one of his only friend's is murdered in front of him

...

Now that that's out of the way, let's get into the actual symptoms

PTSD has symptoms that mostly fall into 3 categories: Re-experiencing, Avoidance, and Sense of Threat

~ Re-experiencing consists of things like nightmares, flashbacks, and triggers that cause trauma responses

The only time we see Hiei sleep (as opposed to being knocked unconscious by the Dragon of the Darkness Flame) is on the way to rescue Yukina where he wakes up gasping for air and reaching out for his sister

I can't think of any flashback examples (but to be fair I haven't watched the series in it's entirety for a hot minute and as someone with PTSD I very rarely have waking flashbacks) - This also might be because we rarely get to see inside Hiei's head because the story is from Yusuke's perspective

However, when it comes to triggers I think he can easily be triggered by people questioning his strength or claiming to be stronger than him - In part because in the past that usually meant someone was about to attack him and in part because in order to feel any semblance of safety, he needs to believe he's too strong to ever be the victim again. That's why he says "hot", and why he leaves the team for several episodes after being told he's not an A class demon, and why he sacrifices his entire arm to take Zeru out in one hit

~ Avoidance symptoms consist of all the steps a person takes to avoid re-experiencing their trauma

For Hiei, this mostly means never appearing weak, but it also includes fun things like isolating himself from friends and family/never trusting others/cutting off his relationship with Yukina because you can't be hurt by the people you care about if you never let yourself care about anyone

I think the reason he engages in so many reckless and destructive behaviors (which is another symptom of C-PTSD) and part of the reason he was suicidal is because it's less scary to be hurt or killed if you're the one making the choice to put yourself in harm's way - rather than feeling safe and having that safety ripped away from you

I have no evidence for this but I also believe he dissociates regularly (yet another symptom) - like 1/2 the time he's staring dramatically out the window (or up at the sky from a high tree branch) he's brooding like you'd expect, but the other half he's full on floating away from his body - completely out of touch with his thoughts and feelings and even his sense of identity

~ Sense of Threat Symptoms

This is where Hiei really shines (or, I guess struggles is a better word)

His whole character can be boiled down to trauma-induced hyper-vigilance

He doesn't trust anyone, he's always worrying about outside attack, he never relaxes, I don't even think he blinks unless he's alone because that split second could be the difference between life and death

Another reason he never lets people close is because they can't be trusted - they feel unsafe to be around let alone trust with his thoughts and feelings (which he considers to be weaknesses easily turned against him)

Hiei's worse nightmare is losing his sword and being unable to access his energy because (and I cannot stress this enough) the only way he has ever been able to feel any semblance of safety is because he convinced himself that he was the strongest person around - The concept of "there's always someone stronger than you" would make him spiral into a dark, deep anxiety hole that I'm not sure he'd ever be able to climb out of

~ So, those are symptoms typically associated with PTSD, but C-PTSD comes with a whole slew of fun, new symptoms such as:

Problems with self-esteem: Nothing makes his feelings towards himself more clear than the fact that he never told Yukina who he is because he was certain that she would hate him - he feels fundamentally broken and unloveable - someone who belongs nowhere but on his own

Emotional Dysfunction: Emotional reactions that are super intense and often innapropriate for the situation - For Hiei this almost always means anger (because that's the only emotion he actually allows himself to express) but I imagine after the show, as he gets more comfortable with the team, he also starts to react strongly to fear stimuli which leads to him have panic/anxiety attacks over things that wouldn't provoke such a strong response in someone who wasn't a walking, talking personification of trauma reactions.

Besides anger, sadness, and dissociation, people with C-PTSD might have trouble feeling happy, even in the best of situations - We see him laugh 2 times (BOTH TIMES BECAUSE OF YUSUKE - BE STILL MY SOFT SHIPPER HEART)

Also, PTSD/C-PTSD often brings along some other painful friends like depression and anxiety (both of which I think Hiei has - along with either an avoidant or disorganized attachment style)

[sofipitch]

Sorry I know this is upsetting for many of us and it’s been exhausting talking about so feel free to ignore. Besides the whole scene just being horrible, as someone who’s also grown up in an abusive household, I’ve found what particular stuck with me was the choice to have Louis call out to Claudia desperately trying to comfort her while he himself was experiencing horrific abuse at the hands of someone he loves. I’ve always considered myself pretty thick skinned despite the environment I grew up in so I was surprised how affected I still was by it a whole day later, like a heaviness just sitting in my stomach. I’ve seen fandom reframe the DA as just two superhuman monsters battling it out but that moment alone with Louis and Claudia was so eerily reminiscent and familiar of real life DA I don’t understand how anyone can pretend it’s anything but what it is. It’s details like that where I don’t understand why the writers would do this and what they were hoping for, and to not give a TW seems more cruel than clueless. Most of us were expecting an altercation, we’re familiar with the VC despite what fandom may think (‘it’s not a romcom’ really?), what we weren’t expecting was a horrific drawn out assault. And I don’t think it’s fair at all to imply that we should’ve known better. Anyway hope all the homies are doing okay we’re not wrong for being shocked and upset 💙

Yeah I think if Lestat had come out of their "fight" as equally beat up as Louis I would have had a way different reaction, I could have seen it as a fight. But the framing with Louis trying to protect Claudia from the worst of it and Louis being black and blue was just horrifying. Not showing a lot of the worst of it is like the horror tactic in Halloween, it leaves gaps with the idea that your mind will come up with the worst possible scenario, so I think the choice of not showing a lot of it, Claudia a scared child on the other side of the door, and then the extreme violence in what we did see is just SO much and again, no trigger warning if you watched in on AMC+. Apparently there was on if you watched it on cable so it's like they heard veryone criticizing and didn't even offer an apology.

[honeyatsu]

Ambiguous [Dabi x F!Reader]

Warnings: Quirkless reader. Physical pain. Graphic parts. Violence. Abuse of power. Spoilers!

summary: In the eyes of the law you were a villain, a traitor, someone who was sick in the head. In reality? You were as average as they come. Quirkless, no combat skills, just you and your degree. You weren’t a villain at all, you were just their therapist. You took your job seriously and refused to break patient confidentiality, under any circumstances.

prompt idea from: @/writing.prompt.s on insta

Now, it wasn’t your intention to be a villain’s therapist.

As soon as you got your degree and license in therapy you were quickly hired at one of the best companies due to all the recommendations. All the studying, volunteer work, networking, it all paid off. It was a good run at first, until you noticed how unappreciated you were at work. They didn’t take you seriously, calling you in more for coffee runs rather than giving you patients. They noted you were quirkless, making you an easy target for bullying at the office. You were a tough girl, giving them a piece of your mind and leaving the same day it became too much for you.

The day after, you went out to search for your own personal office. You were efficient, looking to rent the most realistic options you had. You found one the same day you began searching.

You didn’t have a quirk; you could never be a hero. But everyone needed somebody to listen, everyone needed help even if it wasn’t in the flashiest way.

It wasn’t the best part of town but it was the most affordable and most importantly, it was your own.

It started with parents bringing in their troubled kids, not surprising considering where your office was located. Word about you got around quickly, especially since you offered price cuts to those who couldn’t afford it. You couldn’t help it, as much as you tried to be strict with your professionalism, you couldn’t not offer help just because someone couldn’t afford you.

Sometimes you offered an ear after hours for free.

Villains weren’t your target demographic; you never even suspected a villain to consider therapy.

The feeling of uncertainty washed over you when your first villain client, Twice walked in. He was very open and honest about who he was. You were a bit uneasy on what to do. Now, you weren’t too big on the whole hero versus villain dynamic going on the world. Why was it always good versus evil? Your studies taught you the world wasn’t black and white, people weren’t black and white, people were much more complex than that.

Everyone has trauma and everyone needs help, and this is the profession you worked so hard to obtain.

Who said villains didn’t need a therapist?  

You couldn’t see his face, his latex suit covering him completely. He mentioned it kept him sane. This was your introduction to the mind of a villain.

Word about you went around the villain community, quickly. Your villain clientele grew as your civilian one got smaller.

They never spoke of their crimes, you never asked.

It was their past, what made them who they are today, their nightmares, their ideologies.

You didn’t mind, this was fascinating.

You were compassionate, it was only natural for you to want to help people. But you were also a scholar, and what an amazing opportunity this was for you. Hearing their past, hearing what made them who they are, it was an eye-opener. You wanted to write about this, you wanted the world to know these villains, these people labeled as monsters and inhumane, are just like us. People with problems. People with trauma. People who are broken.

The psychology of villains, to show the world they need saving too.

Of course, you weren’t going to name who is who and you didn’t plan on doing it without their consent. By now you had gotten an idea of your client’s personalities and who wouldn’t be okay with their trauma being exposed nor their brain being picked apart by you.

But it’s okay, because you had a specific client in mind.

He called himself Dabi.

He came in one day, while you were getting ready to end your day on the job. He just barged in, muttering how his partner told him to come see you. Now, you were no push over. Villain or not, you had your boundaries and it wouldn’t be fair to see him with no knowledge of who he was, no appointment, just showing up unannounced comfortably. But seeing the scars scattered around his body and the staples seeming to keep him together, his hypnotizing eyes, you were rather intrigued on who he was and what was his story.

Three hours.

Three hours of him speaking to you about his past, what broke him, and how he believes the world needs to be cleansed of these “false hero’s” as he likes to call it. He was fascinating.

“You’re probably not going to like this idea” you started off, “But I want to write about you.”

He snickered as he got up from the seat across from you. You had an agenda. What else did he expect? “and they said you were genuine.”

You cleared your throat as his hand touched the door handle, “I want the world to know. One of my rules is not to tell the crimes you commit, otherwise I’d have to report everyone to the authorities. I don’t care to write about your crimes, nor do I care to write about you as just a criminal. The mind is fascinating and so are you. You want the world to know about false hero’s? I may not be flashy or aggressive like you, but I can make a point across my own way. But I also like to help. I didn’t choose this career for no reason. I don’t keep myself vulnerable to villains for no reason. Let me help you.”

“And why should I trust you?”

“I’m quirkless.” You said quickly. You never told any of your clients that since you started your own office. You didn’t keep any defense weapons on you and you were no fool. Announcing you were quirkless would be dangerous in any environment, you’re too vulnerable. “You don’t even have to agree right away. You can come in for free and if you still feel like I’m a part of the society you hate so much, you can leave and never come back. Free of charge.”

Dabi let out a hum as he studied your face, looking for any sign of you being dishonest. Your face was serious and stern. He just nodded his head and walked out.

He came back the next night.

After three months, he agreed to help you with your book.

Slowly but surely, you were slipping away from the patient therapist relationship. You tried not to; you really did. But it started with him offering to walk you home, making sure you got there safe. What a danger to society. Your conversations went from professional to rather casual. He would try to see you in more casual settings but you always declined.

You had work to do.

You got popular in the town you were in. You made a lot of friends, completely different from your old coworkers or classmates from the prestigious university you went to. These friends were more genuine.

You got so popular, your old office even heard about you. About how amazing you were, how smart you were, how you were the most genuine and compassionate than most in the profession. They heard about you so much they wondered what made you so different. So young, so inexperienced, so new to have the praise you have now.

Then they found out exactly who you were helping.

And whether it was envy or civilian morale, the authorities got word of you quickly.

And as soon as they figured out who you were, as soon as they did all the research they could on you it was decided: you were just as evil as the monsters you “helped”.

You weren’t even aware you were being watched nor were you aware of how popular you became to the authorities.

Not until now, not until it was finally Friday night; you just had a long day at your office. Only a few more piles of paperwork and you’d be done for the night and be able to enjoy your weekend. If it wasn’t for how loud or aggressive the authorities were while breaking your office door, you wouldn’t even have noticed anyone to barge into your building.

Without chance to even react, you were dragged by these large men, blind folded and hand cuffed before you could even comprehend what was happening. You didn’t fight them off, you didn’t scream, you were frozen in shock and fear. The only thing going through your mind at the moment: I do not get paid enough for this.

Before you knew it, you were sitting on the cold, moldy, ground, back against the uncomfortable wall. The least these people could have done was given you a stall with a bed- or at least take the god damn blindfold off of you before throwing you into the cell.

A traitor to society.

A threat.

A villain.

These were the words spat at you during your arrest. What a joke. This whole thing was a joke. You grew up poor, quirkless, you probably couldn’t even throw a proper punch if you tried. But you were smart, you were kind, you were compassionate, you were the hardest worker anyone knew, and now you were a criminal for wanting to help people.

They threatened you with prison time, they pleaded, and begged. They wanted you to talk, leak information on every villain you knew, their crimes, why they all went to you.

You stayed silent the entire time.

-

Dabi came around your office at the same time every night, he was a little late today since he just got back from a mission but knew you stayed extra hours on a Friday because of all the paper work you had to do.

You could only imagine his surprise and rage as he watched what happened from a distance. For the first time he stood frozen in place, horrified at the scene taking place in front of him. His heart racing in his chest, unable to move, feeling unable to breathe for the first time in a very long time.

You were genuine. You were a real hero. You didn’t need a costume, you didn’t need a quirk, you didn’t need some silly name, nor the fame. You were placed on this horrible Earth to help people. You did help people. Even people like him, who were beyond saving. You gave them something society has taken away from people like him: a sense of humanity. Compassion.

You were the real good in this world.

And that’s why he felt the closest thing he could feel to love when it came to you.

He knew they were going to try to make you talk and he just knew somewhere where his heart was supposed to be, that you wouldn’t.

Your professionalism, your love for your job, your love for your clients, the way you saw them as human, the way you wanted to genuinely save them from themselves, you wouldn’t just give that up.

He knew you.

And that’s why as soon as he saw them take you away, he snapped back to himself. Rage taking over his body, he sped his way to the League of Villains, calling up every client you had telling them what took place.

He was going to save you.

-

Three weeks have gone by.

Your cell was as moldy, cold, and gross as it was the first time you arrived. You had a pillow and thin blanket on one corner of the cell. They fed you once a day, sometimes they would ‘forget’. They beat you, threatened you, tortured you physically and mentally. None of it was enough to break you.

“We need you to help us. Let us help you.”

You let out a poor attempt of a laugh and then winced in pain right after, you were pretty sure you had broken ribs at this point. Although, you wouldn’t even be able to tell, you never even been hit until you ended up in jail. “A promise of help from the same people who hurt me?”

“Bitch.” The cop said before slapping you across the face.

Was this even legal?

You coughed up blood, surprised you even had enough to cough up at this point. You had a question for your clients if you ever got back to work, you might even ask the heros that come in and try to pursue you to speak: was the physical pain really worth the sides they play in the world? Being a regular citizen seemed so much more appealing after this experience.

“You know…I’m a therapist. It sure seems like you need one. Free of charge, I got you.” You made a failed attempt of a sassy remark, quickly earning you another hit in the face. “You know I don’t have a quirk, right? Of course, you do. You guys know everything about me. And I know you see I’m weak, I was weak before you guys even started abusing me.”

“You’re evil, just like them.”

“And what? You’re good?”

Before he had a chance to hit you once again for talking back, he was interrupted.

A hero barged through the door.

None other than the number one hero himself, Endeavor.

If his look could kill, you would have been dead the moment he laid eyes on you.

“Ah, my morally ambiguous hero to save the day.” You let out a small painful smile at him. You were barely conscious at this point, your body slowly giving out. “Here to save me?”

He ignored your remark, as he usually did whenever you tried to talk about anything but your clients.

“We’re under attack.”

There was screaming.

There was fire.

Boom.

Your vision was getting blurry, unable to make out the scene going on in the very building you were in.

“Looks like we’re the ones helping you now, doctor.” You heard a voice say as it got near you, lifting your limp body up. You recognized that voice.

Dabi.

You couldn’t speak, you couldn’t smile, you couldn’t even hold on to him.

My heros. You thought to yourself ironically, before passing out in his arms.

As he escaped the scene, he looked at your bloodied, beaten up body. It enraged him how the very people sworn to protect society and help the community could do this to someone as physically fragile as you.

You had no quirk, no combat skills, you were literally defenseless.

He and the rest of his comrades allowed you into their space. They worked together to bandage you up and make your unconscious body as comfortable as possible. You couldn’t go home, you couldn’t go back to the life that was once yours. Technically, you were an escaped criminal. You had nowhere to go. And for what you’ve done for them, for how much you impacted all of them, they decided they were going to invite you in with open arms.

-

Dabi was constantly checking in on you, more than anyone else. Sometimes he would refuse people coming in to see you, saying how you need as much peace as possible. Realistically, he was selfish and wanted to be alone with you always.

It had been three days, you were still breathing but no sign of waking up.

At least, until now.

First, he noticed your fingers starting to move, then your eyes slowly fluttering, trying to get your blurry vision back in focus.

You didn’t recognize where you were.

Rough skin grazed upon your hand. You slowly turned your head, ignoring the pain it caused you. A small smile formed on your face when you made eye contact with those familiar hypnotizing eyes.

“I told you not having anything to defend yourself was dumb.”

Ah, that he did. You remembered him scolding you for not even having a knife to defend yourself with if anything happened. You reminded him it’s not like you would know how to use it anyways.

“Where do I go from here?” you croaked, your voice as weak as ever.

He lightly placed his finger on your cheek, looking into your eyes. Savoring this moment alone with you. Appreciating the opportunity the world surprisingly blessed him with at this moment. “Stay with me.” He muttered.

“Dabi-”

“Touya.” He interrupted. “Call me Touya.”

You hummed in response.

“I never felt love, for anything. Not even myself. But I’m sure I love you.”

Your head was aching. Your heart was pounding.

“I know. I love you too.” You let out a weak laugh, “Looks like the whole client patient boundary out of the window, huh? Not like I have a job to go back to anyways..” You didn’t even realize you were crying. “Everything I worked for, gone just like that.”

You’ve never been heartbroken before, but you sure this was it. Your life’s work, your pride and joy, your way of proving yourself to the world that you were worthy of this life, gone by the hands of people sworn to protect you.

You were just trying to do your job.

Too deep in thought, you didn’t even realize Touya coming closer to you, cupping your face with his rough precious hands. You didn’t realize how close he was until you felt his hot breath on you.

He kissed your tears away. Placing small kisses throughout your face, trying his hardest not to hurt any part of you that was bruised up badly. He was forced to be soft with you in this moment, something he has never had to be before. His mouth slowly made his way on top of yours and to his surprise, you were the one who leaned in. The kiss was sloppy, it was kind of painful, but it felt right. 

“You are what I’ve been searching for in this world all along. You are the real good. You are precious. You are mine. And I will never let them hurt you again.”

You took in everything he was saying. 

You believe him.

[ameliarating]

Who would have Xue Yang and Xiao Xingchen become if Xue Yang had been taken to Baoshan Sanren’s mountain and Xiao Xingchen had grown up on the streets?

Featuring: a (slightly) more righteous Xue Yang, a (much) more angry Xiao Xingchen, and a long suffering (but much happier) Song Lan who did not sign up for these people in his life.

(an AU brought to you by a conversation I had with @paradife-loft)

So Xue Yang, who was brilliant and resourceful, and possessed of a strong golden core was taken to the mountain and brought up as Baoshan Sanren’s youngest disciple. This does not make him magically and suddenly able to match up the pain and suffering of others with his own. If pressed, he knows that just one of his fingers (of which he has ten!) is worth fifty lives or more, because his fingers are his own and the lives are of others.

But he’s grown up now in a secure environment that fosters and encourages senses of justice and wellbeing. He understands that everyone else in the room has their own sense of self-importance, of being a fully realized person, even if he can’t really get his head around it for others. He also understands that the code by which they live, which values caring for other’s needs and seeing the other as as valuable as the self, (and even to tear down the separations between other and self) has provided him and others with a good, fair life. 

People often thrive on the mountain. He’s thriving. So even though Xue Yang doesn’t really possess an intuitive comprehension of how others have worth and feelings that might even be equal to his own, he can focus on the abstract and philosophical principles that guide him to behave in a manner that suggests he does comprehend it. Even if he doesn’t.

The outwardly imposed sense of ethics takes the place of inner morality.

Now for Xiao Xingchen - he’s not nearly so trusting as he is in canon. He doesn’t possess as bright and clear a sense of right and wrong either. He does try to do what’s right, but it’s more complicated. He absolutely uses his cultivation to steal food and money for himself, to eat and survive. But he also shares more with the other street kids than he can maybe afford.

It marks him out as weak to people who think they can take advantage of him but Xiao Xingchen is naturally strong with a brilliant core (how is he cultivating it? sshhh, it’s pretend) and people don’t tend to think they can take advantage of him more than once. (Especially not since his own hand got run over and many of the people he’d been helping to feed disappeared on him when he needed help. He lost a finger, to the equivalent of the Chang Clan wherever he was, and he stopped being quite as quick to help people.)

At some point as a teenager he’s recruited to be a minor disciple of a cultivation clan, and he took advantage of that to learn and train and he even gets a sword of his own, but it doesn’t take long before he leaves in disgust. He can’t stand the hypocrisy involved. Maybe he even pulls a Mianmian and dramatically removes a sash!

Besides, he’s far less interested in hunts and adventure. He’s more drawn helping spirits and ghosts move on, because he has more of an understanding of why they might be so resentful in the first place. There have been many times in his life where, if he died right then, he would have stuck around to haunt the ones responsible.

Xue Yang is still sharp, is still cruel, is still prone to disproportionate retaliation, but it’s tempered by the philosophy with which he grew up. Xiao Xingchen is still sweet, is still overwhelmingly generous with himself, but he’s much less patient, has more sharp edges.

Xue Yang has a sense of place and security. Not only does he know he matters, but others around him have validated that. They tell him he matters too.

Xiao Xingchen has no place and no security. Even when people in power take an interest in him, he is not just disinterested in politics, he despises it. He feels betrayed by the sects for allowing people to have grown up the way he did. For letting clans like the Chang trample the fingers of disposable children.

So Song Lan has temporarily left Baixue Temple to travel around, to do what he can to help people, to make sure he doesn’t grow used to a state of permanence and place and he runs into Xiao Xingchen who is laying some ghosts to rest with a level of respect and tenderness he doesn’t usually see in cultivators. Especially when they’re the ghosts of nobodies.

He’s taken aback. He impressed. He’s a little smitten.

And he joins in the effort without a word of introduction, and Xiao Xingchen is equally surprised by Song Lan, who is kind and patient and dives into the work that other cultivators don’t bother to do at all. He’s taken aback and impressed and a little smitten as well.

They start traveling together. Song Lan restrains Xiao Xingchen from some of his less legal impulses. He keeps him from making messes of situations that will bring harsh things down on them both. Xiao Xingchen shows Song Lan how so much more of the world works. They introduce each other to new places and new manners of cultivation. They spar together and study together.

Song Lan improves Xiao Xingchen’s literacy and Xiao Xingchen teaches Song Lan how to fight without a sword. They go back to Baixue for a bit and Xiao Xingchen gets some more formal training.

Xue Yang, meanwhile, is bored. There’s a world down there full of things he has only heard about secondhand and he’s a firsthand knowledge kind of guy. Curiosity gets the best of him eventually and he leaves with a beautiful sword (but there’s something just a little off about the sword, not that anyone says anything, Baoshan Sanren gave it to him, after all) and a lot of hunger.

He runs into Xiao Xingchen first. He likes him. He’s angry, and Xue Yang is starting to see that there’s a lot to be angry about. He’s also inherently compassionate and Xue Yang kind of wishes he himself were compassionate person too. 

And Xiao Xingchen is fascinated by Xue Yang. He’s from a completely different world! He still has a cruel streak, and it’s used against everyone, but Xue Yang is traveling around, doing a lot of good, not for himself, not for glory, but just because Xue Yang is convinced that’s what he should be doing in and of itself. It’s what he’s been taught to do. Xiao Xingchen can respect that.

Besides, Xue Yang shares with him a deep disdain for how the world is being run, and between the two of them, there’s an urge to tear that down.

Xue Yang does not like Song Lan. Song Lan is boring, he’s grown up with a far more orthodox interpretation of Daoist philosophy than he has, and he plays by the rules more than Xiao Xingchen does. Worst of all, Xiao Xingchen likes Song Lan too much.

Song Lan does not like Xue Yang. He clocks that cruel streak, he clocks the way he looks at Xiao Xingchen. Xue Yang is cold and doesn’t actually care about the people they’re helping, and sometimes he’s one comment away from hurting the people around them. Hurting them badly. 

Xiao Xingchen likes them both very, very much.

War breaks out, of course. All three of them get out of the way. 

Xue Yang doesn’t care, it’s all a bunch of worldly bullshit. Nothing will change when the next sect rises to power and starts the same cycle of abuse all over again. Baoshan Sanren has warned all her disciples about that.

Xiao Xingchen doesn’t care. All the sects are the same to him and innocent people are getting caught in the middle and that’s the greatest crime. He wouldn’t fight for any of those sects, though sometimes he wants to fight against them all.

Song Lan doesn’t care. It’s not for him to want to change the way the world is run, it’s for him to try and improve upon the lives of as many people as possible in as many small ways as he can. People need him, and he won’t be able to help them if he gets distracted by things like war.

They all get as far away as possible because by this point they’ve all made names for themselves, and many in the sects want them on their side or want them out of the way. They get so far away that they barely notice when the war is over and they start trading dreams about starting their own... something

Song Lan wants to call it a sect.

Xiao Xingchen does not. 

Xue Yang doesn’t have an opinion but he takes Xiao Xingchen’s side because it’s funny what that does to Song Lan.

Whatever it is, their first disciple (not a disciple, she’s a child, she’s a little sister, okay, but we could still call her a disciple, no we could not) is a sharp-tongued girl who they’re all pretty sure isn’t blind? Honestly, it’s hard to say. Xiao Xingchen catches her trying to fleece them. 

She’s going to be the best student ever.

[bigskydreaming]

#video#important content#aight so fun fact#when I was getting certified to be a Victim Advocate#they dead ass had us watch the Unconscious People Don’t Want Tea video#I am not joking#in a nationally certified course#videos like this matter#a LOT tags via @desperatecheesecubes

Oh I absolutely believe you. Most of the most useful and informative and accurate content about rape culture, consent, victim advocacy and the like IS indie created and produced.....precisely because of how much of society’s entertainment content is produced by literal predators.....who actively gatekeep content that would cast their own in an unfavorable light from being professionally made and circulated.

I mean, its literally the heart of why I stress the importance of having these kinds of conversations in fandom spaces....because the only people actually capable of barring these kinds of discussions are....other fans.

But at pretty much every level of professional media and entertainment, there are predators in positions of power - whether they were already predatory when making their way up the ladder or simply grew to like it once they realized they were in a position to exploit their power predatorily like, literally doesn’t matter.

The point is just that they’re THERE, and we’re talking about the people who play some of the largest roles in actively SHAPING our culture....hence why rape and abuse culture have such large footholds and footprints in our society. Because it was actively shaped to be that way by people who literally have a vested interest in eroding perceptions of consent and victim advocacy and overall just making society in general more vulnerable to BEING preyed upon, whenever it suits predatory culture shapers’ desires.

Its like why I so often go back to the example of the infamous ‘sexually charged’ scene from X2 between Logan and Bobby Drake, one that never actually turns into a kind of teacher/student trope but which hits all the same beats and thus was perceived and received as EXACTLY that by fandoms of the time.....like, this scene was written and directed by a known predator. Bryan Singer has been directly accused of preying upon underage actors on his sets going all the way back to the 90s - 

(and I swear to god if any idiot comes into my inbox on anon to try and make this about homophobia when I’ve literally been gaybashed by homophobes and thus am more than aware of how easy it is for homophobes to make USE of something like this to advance their own agendas, but is also equally aware that homophobes don’t actually need SHIT to be homophobic and advance their agendas anyway, and thus I’m actually in no way obligated to defend or distract from an actual predator just because we happen to share a marginalization, like fair warning, try that with me and I will attempt to set you on fire with the power of my wrath) 

- but like point being.....this isn’t a coincidence? Singer’s predatory behavior has been a known quantity since even BEFORE the X-Men movies, and that scene in X2 is thus a classic example of someone like I’m describing using their extremely wide-reaching platform to actively shape culture according to his own vested interests. He’s literally using pop culture and entertainment to make the kind of dynamic that HE is interested in perpetrating with underage teens like, seem enticing, harmless and socially accepted all at the same time. This is LITERALLY normalization in action.

And its everywhere in our entertainment, and its the precise reason there’s barely any counter narratives to this in actual widespread media.....because many of the gatekeepers of Hollywood are literal predators themselves. It doesn’t mean that every creative in Hollywood is, just that they exist....and that they also exist in positions of power on the executive or studio side of things, thus making it fairly impossible to get actual counter narratives made on a culture-shaping level of equivalent platform....because they block such narratives from getting produced at all, or else use their influence to dilute or water down the point of such a narrative to the point of being all but useless.

Its like the same thing as why sex work is criminalized in the first place. People can go on all they want about how its to act as a deterrent and to protect people from being exploited, but like....I’m a former sex worker and while I’m a male one, I’ve certainly known tons of female sex workers and even with society’s sexism to factor in, like....no. Every female sex worker I’ve ever known or talked with is someone I’ve known to say the exact same thing as I’m outlining below.

That’s never been the reason for criminalization. Its to make it impossible for sex workers - whether they do sex work simply because they like it or are need-based sex workers, with the very existence of any need-based sex workers thus putting the lie to criminalization of sex work as a deterrent (like if people are going to do sex work anyway because the consequences of not doing it, like homelessness or starvation, are everpresent, then the comparatively lesser risk of being CAUGHT doing sex work renders it utterly useless as a deterrent) - 

Like point being, the criminalization of sex work on the whole has absolutely nothing to do with deterring shit....its literally to make it easier to EXPLOIT sex workers. I mean, my ACAB feelings aren’t arbitrary or ideological. Even as a guy, I hate cops for deeply personal reasons that stem from my time as a sex worker and the fact that I can personally attest to just how many fucking cops directly target and exploit sex workers in various ways because they more than anyone know that criminalization means THEY CAN GET AWAY WITH IT, because a sex worker has literally NO legal recourse against that, other than opening themselves up to potential legal consequences as well, just for admitting to being a sex worker when trying to report a cop or someone else for rape.

Cops ‘frequent’ sex workers more than pretty much any other ‘client group’ I can personally think of, because the ones who only seek out a badge in the first place because they WANT the ability to throw their weight around with the added perks of institutional power backing them up? They are like, first in line to engage with sex workers in various ways, because they know damn well that they can do literally whatever they want to a sex worker, consent be damned, and there’s pretty much nothing that sex worker can do in recourse without running smack into that Big Blue Wall and an arrest warrant for their own crime of solicitation.

And all of THIS in turn stems from the fact that another major source of ‘clients’ for sex workers is.....politicians. The actual literal law makers who ENACT these laws that criminalize sex work, for example, and thus ensure a ready, reliable victim pool ripe for exploitation by virtue of having no legal protections or opportunities for redress.

But yeah. It doesn’t surprise me on any level to hear that indie vids and tiktoks and the like are utilized in the programs you’re talking about - in fact, that more than anything makes me confident that the course actually knew what it was talking about and was making a sincere effort at empowering and educating people to act as advocates for victims and survivors.

Because the way our society was built from the ground up - by people interested in exploiting power in various ways against the many, many groups of people vulnerable to such exploitations - like, literally rewards and empowers people seeking to do the exact same thing. Thus resulting in predators being entrenched in the halls of power and at the table of culture-shapers like, on practically every level.

Which in turn makes the only spaces available for ACTUAL education and countering the narratives that shape and spread rape culture....literal counter-culture spaces like indie environments. And like fandom COULD be, if more fans would just....LET it be that.

*Shrugs* But whatevs. 

[jaybug-jabbers]

Pokemon Prism Review

Well I’m currently finishing up the post-game content of Pokemon Prism.

Dang.

What a fun game.

(what follows is an informal review of the game. it got a little long, lol. it has some spoilers for the game, of course.)

My background

To give you a quick idea on my perspective on Pokemon, I grew up with Pokemon Red on the big grey brick Gameboy. After Red, I pretty much stopped playing for many years. My little brother had a Gameboy Color and had Silver, but I never got one myself. Wasn’t ‘til years and years later I found some emulators and played through several generations of Pokemon at once. So, Gen 2 really isn’t nostalgic for me. It’s close enough to Gen 1 to hit some nostalgia buttons, though. I am admittedly somebody who feels Gen 1 is the best gen of pokemon. I don’t care of people laugh or say I’m a genwunner for believing that. Gen 1, I feel, had the raw creativity and charm of the original idea, and it simply sets my imagination alight far more than any other gen does. Those simple pixel designs for those little virtual creatures just opened up a world in my mind. THAT SAID, I did play and very much enjoyed all the other gens of pokemon. I do not shun things just because they are new, and I am not one of those people who says the new designs of pokemon are stupid. I adore plenty of modern pokes.

Blend of Old and New

Anyway! Pokemon Prism, for those unaware, is a ROM hack of Pokemon Crystal. It essentially delivers a brand-new Pokemon adventure for the Generation 2 games. It’s a really neat blend of classic gameplay and modern features. You’ll find species from modern games all the way from Gen 3 (such as Breloom) to Gen 6 (such as Sylveon) but their sprites perfectly integrate them organically into the Gen 2 environment. You’ll get many modern pokemon moves and conviences but also plenty of throwbacks to older experiences. Miss crafting pokeballs from Apricorns? It’s there. Enjoy a simplier time when there weren’t any Natures? Well, there ya go. Really want to call Joey and talk to him about his Rattata? Well, err, no, you can’t do that, but let’s face it, the telephone feature was probably one of the most hated features in Gen 2. :P

But Prism isn’t simply about updating Gen 2 with some modern pokemon, moves and game features. Not in the slightest. It’s full of original mechanics and gameplay concepts, and has tons of original areas and an original storyline. Pokemon is known for experimenting with new gameplay ideas, so it’s really fitting and enjoyable to see these take shape as you play the game. Mining and crafting is introduced in the game, for example, and there are a couple new pokemon types. There’s even a few sections where you can play as your pokemon, Mystery-Dungeon style. Do all of these experiments with new concepts work? Probably not ALL of them– when you try something new, not all of them will work out as amazing as you’d hope. But a lot of them are welcome and fun additions. And the game is bristling with these new ideas! It’s a joy to see so much creativity and novelty.

Sprites

It should be noted the spritework for these games is A+ and utterly fantastic. There is perhaps 3 or 4 out of dozens and dozens of new sprites that I thought were a tad off? Seriously, they look AMAZING and their animations are perfect and they fit in with the style so well I found myself briefly getting confused as to which were originally from Gen 2 and which weren’t. Saying these sprites are good is no small thing, because they are such a vital part of the game. The backsprites were not shafted, either– something even Gamefreak often shortchanged on back then.

Music

It should also be noted the music in this game is really damn good and has a huge variety. There are tons of classic songs, classic remakes of modern pokemon songs, remixes, and original tunes. There were like one or two tunes I was a bit iffy on, but considering that’s only a few out of so many, that’s impressive. The new bike music and Surfing music are probably my favorites, and they are SO GOOD, and those are especially important ones to sound good, because you typically hear those a lot.

Writing

The writing in this game is fairly solid. Not A+, but still not bad. It suffers occasionally from slightly rough and confusing grammar, and the climax of the story is definitely anti-climactic and very weak. In addition, the post-game story basically does not exist, but that can be excused since most likely more story was planned but they ran out of time. (C&D)

I also felt that at times, the story felt out-of-place within the world of Pokemon and went “too far” in the darker direction. The entire prison sequence, especially, and the frequent mention of inmates being mistreated, pokemon being abused, etc., just felt a bit much. Because this game was largely concerned with replicating the feeling of a true Pokemon game (some hacks intentionally focus on making a story that would never take place in the Pokemon world, like zombie survival horror stories or whatnot), I find it relevant to mention that. All of that said, though, its darker departures were at least not *too* extreme. We don’t get the very jarring and frequent problem of some ROM hacks where it’s full of cussing all the time or intense violence. Compared to those it’s still relatively subtle. And while the NPCs in this game I felt were rude a little too often, (holy crap, it felt like 95% of Naljo and Rijon were crankyass people) I do appreciate the attempts at making people a little more “real” and not quite so freaking happy and idealized all the time like Nintendo tends to do. The dialogue often made me chuckle. It did go a tad overboard with that “realness” (because, hey, a variety of people exist in the world, you know, both rude and polite, optimistic and bitter) but oh well.

So yes, the writing had its drawbacks. But overall, it felt like it was progressing a pokemon-style narrative with some interesting ideas, and wasn’t simply a dreary rehash of the same basic tropes Pokemon has been regurgitating for ages now. I just think if the writing were cleaned up a bit– the grammar cleaned up in a few sections, the plot threads clarified a bit more, and the climax reworked– it could take a “decent story” and make it a great one. There’s definitely some neat ideas there, it just needs polish.

Maps

As to the different towns and locations in this game to explore, there are many. This game is ambitious AF. As I said, it’s FULL of new ideas, features, things to do, and places to explore. Naljo is the region you explore in the main game, but post-game you can wander a whole new region of Rijon (the featured location of an older ROM hack, Pokemon Brown) and beat all the gyms there. In addition, there’s a few towns in Kanto and Johto you can visit (I believe they originally planned to open up all of those regions eventually), AND one town in ANOTHER new region, Tunod. The game’s ambitiousness occasionally outpaces what it delivers, but that’s quite acceptable in my mind, since updates with additions to the game were originally planned. So, yes, there isn’t much to do post-game, but that’s largely because a lot of stuff was going to be added.

Back to the locations, though! It’s an important aspect of ROM hacks. Not everyone is good at designing a good town, with logical building placement, intuitive layouts, aesthetically pleasing locations, and interesting things to explore so it doesn’t feel totally plain and lacks character. I’m pleased to say this game does a great job of it, though. I should point out I have a terrible sense of direction and bad spatial memory. Despite that fact, I found myself remembering important features and where they were located– oh, the Move Deleter house is in Phacelia on the left, the bullet train is in Torenia– and that’s a good sign. Physical travel was not a sloggy chore, and it wasn’t bogged down in a confusing layout. Towns were memorable and fun to explore.

Pacing/Level Curve

Another thing ROM hacks can screw up, because it’s a tricky thing to do, is the challenge pacing. How many trainers? What teams do they have? What levels? Are the Gyms challenging without being insane? I actually Nuzlocked the main part of the game. In my opinion it was well-paced. There’s probably fewer trainers overall in this game than a standard Pokemon game. But it did not take me much extra grinding in the grass– and I was only doing that to play it safe for the Nuzlocke. And that’s GOOD. You shouldn’t have to do tons of grinding in the grass all the time just to have a reasonable shot at the gyms. Pokemon Uranium, sadly, seems to suffer from that issue. So, yeah, the pacing was very reasonable to me, good balance of fair and challenging.

… with one important note. Once you reach the League? Well, we could have used higher-levelled wild pokemon in the cave that served as the victory road. The highest in that cave was level 34 or so, and you were facing trainers with teams ~level 55. That’s a huge gap. Not everyone has the same play style. Some people like to do extra grinding before the Elites. Some people are Nuzlocking and may do extra grinding as a safety buffer. Some people might want to adjust their team & add a new pokemon to their team and need to grind them up from a lower level. For those cases, you NEED decently-levelled wild pokemon to grind on. So, yeah, I really do think the Seneca Caves wild pokemon need a level buff. It would also help with the level gap for the post-game. Trainers in Rijon are suddenly at levels 70ish and higher, and for some folks playing, that’s a bit much and they’d like to do a little grinding first.

Puzzles

This game has puzzles. You have been warned, lol. Apparently a lot of people found the number of puzzles a bit frustrating, or felt that some of them were excessively tricky or annoying. I find it very funny, because usually puzzles are my least favorite part of a pokemon game. But I really enjoyed the puzzles in Prism and didn’t find it annoying or offputting at all. I was sick with a cold through most of my play of Prism, and yet even in my dumb brainaddled state, I didn’t find the puzzles too difficult. I solved them all at a pretty average length of time, even the ones some people traditionally found a little unclear or confusing. (the Ruins puzzle often confuses folks, apparently, but I really didn’t have a problem with it at all.) I was briefly confused on one of the switch puzzles (and it contained an element of bad puzzle design imo– there’s a gap that you can leap down into when normally a gap of that size just gives the ‘run into wall’ sound and is not passable) but not for too long. Even the ice slide puzzles, which I traditionally hate with a passion, were not bad!

All except for one thing. The Magikarp Puzzle. Anyone who has played Prism knows what I mean. Haha, fuck that puzzle man. Even the creator of the ROM hack himself has acknowledged the puzzle was not great, heh. To be honest, I find it kind of hilarious, in a way, though. I mean, obviously it’s a nightmarishly difficult and frustrating puzzle and is intensely exhausting to look at, let alone try to solve. But it’s also kinda glorious in its demonicness. I didn’t spend too much time on it before just looking up a solution to it. It’s tedious and not fun at all, and hey, that’s OK, because even the creator realized that.

pls nerf magikarp

But seriously, outside of the magikarp puzzle, I didn’t just enjoy the puzzles in this game– I felt like they were an important part of what gave this game its character.

Fakemon

There are even a few fakemon in this game! Which I was excited to learn because I thought there weren’t! All of the fakemon are Legenderies. Unfortunately, I don’t care for most of their designs. Like, at all. I think Varaneous and Libabeel’s sprites look really, really shitty. They’re ugly and don’t match the style of Pokemon at all. This feels weird to say, since I love so much about this game, but man, there’s just no way around it, I hate ‘em. Everyone has their own tastes, of course. There’s a couple fakemon I have yet to capture– I’m finishing that up now and the very very last of the post-game. But one fakemon I did capture and ADORE LIKE NO OTHER is Phancero.

I happen to know about Phancero’s designer, because I saw their design years ago. They apparently were approached by the team and were asked permission for the use of the design, which is awesome. I won’t rant again about Phancero here because I already ranted about it before, and literally could keep ranting for pages. :P But yeah, it’s a totally creative and awesome pokemon both in idea and execution, and by FAR my favorite fakemon ever created.

Conclusion

This is the best ROM hack I have played in years and probably ever. I haven’t played hundreds of ROM hacks, but I have probably played dozens over the years. I think they are a creative and wonderful expression of the pokemon community, but let’s be honest. There’s a lot of really bad ROM hacks out there. There’s even more ROM hacks that have a lot of potential but are never finished or anywhere near completion. (And that’s perfectly understandable. People run out of time, they have real life get in the way, etc.) The fact that not only did a ROM hack of this caliber get made, but was 95-99% completed? Is fantastic. It was an intensely massive project and I cannot begin to imagine how much work it must have been. Pokemon games are normally developed by an entire team at a company, and folks are paid to do it. The comparatively small team of devs who made this game in their spare time and implemented these amazing things had to do it all on their own. It’s no wonder it took as long as it did for them to finish it; and the amount of effort SHOWS. There is so much loving attention to detail and polish to Prism. (I mean, yes, there’s still some bugs and the occasional unfinished bits, but of course there are, those were going to be finished, but then the C&D hit)

Most ROM hacks are just strong in a few areas, because it’s one or two people who have strengths or interests in a few things. So, you’ll play a hack with a really good story but terrible fakemon and mapping, or you’ll play a hack with fantastic designs of new areas, but no new story, etc. Prism kinda has everything, though. It really did feel like playing a new Gen 2 game.

(It’s now almost 11pm and oh god where did the time go. I have a problem with being concise. :P This was far longer than I intended but thank you if you’ve read this far!)

This is a repost on a new blog. The original post was on Jan 17, 2017.

[crystalelemental]

heavenlyfury replied to your post “Another merge project complete, and this time, we have the illustrious...”

An impressive unit, and what a character! My issue with Edelgard is, as much as her goals are noble and understable, her actions are just... Very unreasonable? Like she could have done things very differently in order to get what she wanted, and I simply cannot fathom why she thought Those who slithered in the dark were better allies than the church. Like, you don't trust Rhea, I get it.

But did she expect to wage war on the entire continent, basically alone (without diplomatically support), before taking on an enemy that has NUKES? Like those priorities are all kinds of wrong! But I still kinda love her intensity and the ambition, the idea of making her a different kind of protagonist. Anyways, congrats again!

Thank you.  Edelgard is indeed pretty huge as a unit.  Anyway, the short version of this is “no one’s wrong for having issues with Edelgard and her approach,” but I do have a lot to add in here.

I’m going to try going through this in order, but I’m building this as I go so bear with me.

What was her alternative?  On the one hand, we know from experience that Rhea doesn’t want to lead, and passes the torch off to Byleth immediately.  That could’ve happened in the near future for the CF route as well, even without Edelgard instigating war.  But how would she know that?  Edelgard has no way of knowing, or believing, that Rhea would cede power.  She’s also got her own experience seeing her family’s power usurped by the nobility, who then immediately abused that power, and resulted in her and countless others being tortured for crest research.  From her own experiences, it makes sense that she’s not willing to wait, and believes no one would accept her proposal if she were peaceful.  And in that last part, she’s...kinda right.  Rhea would cede her power to Byleth, sure, but she wouldn’t be willing to undermine the system she established to maintain peace and safety for herself.

Diplomacy sounds good, and is always the preference, but from Edelgard’s experience and point of view, she’s seen how awful the nobility is, how awful the system Rhea created is, and has seen how hard she cracks down on anyone who goes against that.  Lonato’s little rebellion is immediately and violently suppressed, getting the innocents under him caught up in it as well.  Hell, his son.  Allegedly, he was executed for participating in a conspiracy to assassinate Rhea.  Which directly mirrors something that happens after we beat Lonato: we find that document about a plan to assassinate her.  But that turned out to be nothing, everyone saw right through it and identified that there was an alternate goal.  Everyone...except Rhea and those working in the church.  So how likely was it that Lonato’s son was actually going to do anything of the sort?  Was his execution just?  Was the execution of those in the Western Church just, considering they didn’t do anything particularly violent, they just used an opportunity to break into the vault and attempt stealing a hidden relic.  Rhea may not be directly violent and out burning villages and slaughtering innocents for funsies.  But she’s not exactly merciful, and will go hard against anyone who opposes what she upholds as necessity.  Why would Edelgard assume diplomacy would work?  Wouldn’t trying to be diplomatic by undermining the teachings of Seiros to suggest an alternative get her branded a heretic, and have the entire might of the church against her?  At best, she’d lose her chance at returning power to the throne, and the corrupt nobles who allowed her family to be tortured and decimated maintain their status.  At worst, she could be executed for the crime of going against the church on top of that.  We don’t know for sure, we don’t see any of that play out, but from Edelgard’s perspective, they’re not likely to respond, and giving them that advance warning lets them prepare, and the Church is still the seat of power in Fodlan.

Which brings us to the Agarthans.  Yes, Edelgard siding with them seems incredibly stupid.  And it is infuriating, knowing that what happened to her was directly their fault.  Which is something she’s aware of, mind.  The Crimson Flower route makes clear that they don’t trust the Agarthans at all, it’s a temporary alliance to face off against a more threatening foe.  Which...honestly, is fair.  Aside from the fact that the Church has the strongest standing army, there’s Rhea to deal with.  In Verdant Wind and Silver Snow, we see Rhea, in dragon form, caught in the blast range of TWO of those nukes, and she doesn’t die.  That should express the level of discrepancy between the power of a dragon, and the power the Agarthans have.  It took two nukes to injure her.  What are general human tactics supposed to do against that?  Against not just the human forces among her ranks, but also the golems she has under her command?  Their power is, in fact, a necessity to face off against this combined power.  Though I will fully admit that they could’ve done a better job of having the Agarthans directly involved in the fights.

As for why is she still willing to accept that help, despite them being the most directly responsible...ultimately it comes down to seeing beyond herself.  Yes, the Agarthans are a problem.  They are the most directly responsible for her suffering, Lysithea’s suffering, and are the most direct cause of bloodshed in the narrative.  But consider.  The Agarthans’ crest research is something that’s accepted by the nobles in the empire.  It’s not like they didn’t know what was up.  And society at large values crests so significantly, that the idea of being able to imbue others with that power, and creating people with two crests as weapons, is enticing.  The Agarthans are directly responsible, but the nobility is indirectly complicit in atrocities for their own gain, while the church created the system that places value on the kind of work and ambitions they have.  Crests are important, controlling crests and their power is the basis of society.  You have to beat that system, which Rhea is the head of.  And consider that when Arianrhod was nuked in CF, Edelgard is legitimately surprised.  She likely didn’t know the Agarthans had that kind of firepower, which contextualizes a lot.  Rhea’s a huge dragon, who even the Agarthans are scared of despite their advanced technology.  But their advanced technology is mostly duplications of the divine weapons, which means their power is roughly equivalent to yours.  One is a massive threat well above your level of power, and the other is roughly equivalent.  You want both dead, but the equivalent foe is willing to back you to take on the much stronger one.  You gonna say no?

Anyway, let’s say Edelgard did address the Agarthans first.  Just broke in and cracked Thales’ skull open with Aymr and took a shit right on his floor.  What then?  You took out those responsible for the direct application of atrocities, but the system that permitted it is still in play, run by a super powerful being you can’t defeat.  Consider what happened with Miklan; effectively disowned solely for not having a crest, and driven to what he wound up doing.  He was a bastard because of the environment he grew up in.  The system as a whole breeds the kind of resentment and power-seeking ambition that Miklan displays.  So if she does kill off the Agarthans right away, but then can’t take out Rhea...what did that accomplish?  Temporary reprieve?  Because the system still permits for people to perform blood treatments, and implants the desire to do so, because it values crests and their power above human life.  You’re not getting to the source of the issue any other way.

Not to get too political on main, but it’s kinda like what we’ve got going on in the US right now.  People are recognizing that it’s the entire system that’s the problem.   The system is corrupt to the point it produces these problems by design.  Simply firing a few officers won’t fix police brutality, racial sensitivity trainings won’t fix inherent discrimination in the system, etc.  The system has to go.  And trying to address it around the direct issue with these calls of “just go out and vote in people who will fix it!” isn’t sufficient.  A changing of the guard in the same system will yield the same results.  The system of nobility and how it’s determined is the problem in this scenario.  Changing out who the nobles are isn’t going to fix it, you have to dismantle the concept of nobility and create a new system in its place to avoid this just happening again.  That’s the crux of Edelgard’s motivation.

I think people get annoyed with the Agarthans because they consider her motivation a personal one.  And to a degree, it is.  She was directly harmed by their actions, and by the system that permitted their actions, and of course must have personal feelings regarding that matter.  But Edelgard is someone who looks beyond herself and her immediate pain to look at what is necessary to accomplish a broader goal.  It goes so far that she’s willing to work with the people who caused her harm, if it means preventing harm to others by dismantling the system.

The real question is whether the outcome she hopes for is realistic.  She’s essentially creating a single locus of power, just like Rhea did, and hinging all of the future on that locus of power doing the right thing and continuing her work.  Because she doesn’t stay in power either, she steps down.  All it would take is one person gaining that same level of power, but having completely different views, to undermine everything she’s done.  Not to mention her goal seems to be creation of a meritocracy, which sounds great, but plenty of places in the world right now say they have that and how well is that going?  Merit is often determined by experiences, which in turn is directly influenced by wealth.  While the concept of “nobility” may be erased, unless that includes redistribution of wealth and resources for the common good, people who were once nobility still have an advantage and will remain on top.  I mean, god, look at Ferdinand’s suggestion of free public schooling as a means of determining merit for those who should lead society in political life.  How’s that working out now?  The US education system’s sure doing great with making sure things are equitable because it’s free.  There are a lot of factors to consider, and Edelgard’s current assessment of where to go once she wins isn’t fully formed, which means whatever system she creates is likely to be imperfect as well.  Not to mention a system built on a mountain of corpses might have some moral quandaries to wrestle with.  But if the alternative is keeping the current system because “She doesn’t have a better idea,” then I’d say she was right to act.  You can’t let something awful continue just because you can’t fix every problem at once.  Something needed to be done, and someone needed to take that first step toward true change.  Edelgard was willing to be the one to take that step.  So while there may be problems to her approach, problems which she openly acknowledges and identifies, I think it’s better that she’s willing to go forward with a plan to enact change and try something, instead of just sitting still, letting things continue, and doing nothing but “sending thoughts and prayers.”  Sometimes there is no good solution, and you can’t just sit around theory crafting until you’re certain it’s going to work.  Sometimes you just have to act and do your best to get the best outcome.  And that’s what Edelgard does.  And I love it.

[youwerenevermeanttofeelalone]

What Did They Do? | Cliff Booth

Pairing: Cliff Booth (OUATIH) x Plus Size Reader

Word count: 2,131 words.

Request: Hi. Could you write a Cliff Booth one-shot with the reader being bullied at work because of her plus size, and Cliff comforting her? (If it's ok with you). Thank you.

Warnings: Fatphobia, internalized fatphobia, angst, body-image issues, a little bit of fluff.

A/N: Listen, I didn't want to focus on how the scenes with the coworkers played, they're not the ones who suffer because of the words. ALSO: remember that it's your body, therefore your choice. If you want to try and change something about your routine or whatever, go ahead! But please do it for yourself, your happiness, and your health.

Weight was an issue, a metaphorical and literal one. You had fluctuated between Ignoring what everyone else said about your weight or body shape and obsessing over every little flaw they saw in you. It took a toll on you some days like on any other person who didn’t have what it took to be considered the standard for an attractive person yet the pressure of hearing comments constantly was getting too much.

A hostile work environment wasn’t new to you, school hadn’t been different, and sometimes even your family could get pretty annoying and borderline cruel with the topic.

The walk from your workplace to your house wasn’t long, but it sure as hell felt like it. Between the changing weather, how tired you truly were, and the weight of the comments and gazes you had to endure on a daily basis, the way home felt like sheer torture. You supposed it wouldn’t be too bad to move your body some more, maybe your workmates had a point when they told you you needed to lose some pounds although they could’ve been kinder while doing so.

Acting like you didn’t care was getting harder as the days passed, you didn’t know who were you trying to convince more when you said it didn’t matter. Many factors were at play, and their comments used every one of them to break you. You had tried to understand the reasoning behind those types of insults for years and at some point instead ended up believing they were simply the truth.

But why? Why did you have to be the one who changed instead of them? Why couldn’t Lorna understand that your body was different than hers? Why didn’t Michael accept that you didn’t exist for people to find you either attractive or not? Why couldn’t they just get over the fact that no one is the same and that not every single person can fit their personal standards? And why couldn't you either?

The lights from the living room were on and Cliff’s car was parked on the driveway. You sighed heavily, inwardly praying to not look like you cried all the way home even though you totally did. Before you could slide the key in, the door swung open. His bright smile greeted you, the usual kiss on your temple leaving your skin buzzing.

He said, very happily, that he bought your favorite dish from that dinner you love. You bit the inside of your cheek, trying to find an excuse as to why you can’t eat it. It would be rude to say you’re not in the mood when he had to make a detour to buy the food, but you don’t feel like eating ever again in your goddamn life.

“I’ll just take a shower, yeah?” You didn’t wait for him to answer and made your way toward your shared bedroom.

Mindlessly taking a clean pair of underwear and a pajama set you entered the bathroom not before kicking your shoes off. The clothes were placed on the countertop just beside the sink, your reflection staring back at you; you didn’t recognize the sad eyes boring into yours— your own eyes.

The warm water wasn’t of too much help. You had expected it to at least ease the tension on your shoulders enough for you to not feel like you’d crumble at any minute. The dreaded part of the shower began when, while waiting for the conditioner to set and do its job, you started to scrub your body. A sob escaped your lips, your hand clutching the extra skin on your stomach— god, Lorna was definitely right when she said you needed to be on a strict diet.

You didn't dare to get out of the shower just yet, too embarrassed by the fact that all those things your coworkers said to you were true. You felt like the filthy cow Michael called you, you truly did, and tears just kept streaming down your face. Avoiding your reflection in the mirror while you put your clothes on, the wonderment of what Cliff really thought of you came to your mind.

Reminding yourself that you needed to focus on the fact that he had never complained about anything you exited the bathroom with the idea of going to bed and hoping for the best. If you were lucky, getting some rest would help you see things clearly, be kinder to yourself like you logically knew you should be.

Cliff stared at you with a frown, you supposed he had entered the room to change into sleeping clothes too because he had discarded his patterned shirt and was now only in a pair of shorts and the t-shirt he had been wearing earlier. You grew nervous under his gaze like a child caught doing something they shouldn’t have even thought about.

“You want me to reheat dinner?”

Your stomach churned upon hearing the question, not helping the feeling of nervousness at all. Excuses escaped you, there wasn’t a good one other than saying you weren’t hungry which was just not realistic. Opting for just nodding in hopes of calming down when your boyfriend wasn’t staring at you, you waited for him to leave the room to let out a light groan.

You felt stuck. No one likes to feel like that and lately, that’s all you can really feel. Stuck between accepting yourself and changing everything people found flawed, between skipping meals and eating properly to be healthy, between looking for another job where you weren’t verbally abused on a daily basis and just accepting that it would keep happening if you didn’t change your body.

You wished you could tune it all out, you knew some people were able to and you knew their lives were a little easier because of it. You wanted to be able to feel comfortable in your own skin without being told you were harming yourself— oh, how you hated the way they looked at you when you wore a skirt instead of a pantsuit, and God forbid if you felt confident enough one day to wear shorts...

It was tiring, it added to the weight on your shoulders and in consequence, deteriorated your health. The irony of how much their comments that — according to them— came from a place of worry for your health were harming you would have amused you if you weren’t in so much distress.

The clearing of a throat startled you. Your eyes landed on Cliff’s face as you turned to look at the doorway. “I’ll be there in a moment,” you rasped, surprised by how hard getting the words out had been.

He pushed himself into the room and away from the doorway, standing in front you four strides later. His warm palm landed softly on your cheek, an attempt to either get you to talk or comfort you, perhaps both at the same time.

Your eyes closed out of habit, your brain processing the gesture as one of the few things that gave it serotonin. His free arm wrapped around your middle, pulling you closer. There was a moment of silence, not uncomfortable because nothing was with him, one that he used to asses what could possibly be wrong while you tried your hardest to not cry some more.

“What’s wrong, love?” Cliff asked, so lowly and softly, so tenderly that you believed Samantha when she said you didn’t deserve to have someone like him in your life.

You shook your head, the movement prompting your lips to brush against his palm for a few seconds. It was deeply embarrassing to tell him how bad you felt for being yourself, it wasn’t fair for you to go through it, any of it.

He encouraged you to speak still, “you can tell me anything.”

Stubbornly, you shook your head again. “It’s nothing. How was your day?” Your question came with the opening of your eyes. You knew you had to be convincing, you could cry some more in the morning while showering after all.

“It was great,” he deadpanned. “Now, is my girlfriend telling me what’s troubling her or do I have to beat her coworkers up to know?”

A shiver ran down your spine, not because you were scared of him but because he talking to your coworkers was your worst nightmare. They could easily open his eyes, make him realize he deserved someone better than you. Shit... Cliff deserved better than you, it was true. Someone he could show off, someone who didn’t struggle to find pretty clothes, someone who could wear his clothes without them being tight or stuck.

Your reaction seemed to make him realize what was wrong. You saw it on his face, and he probably saw everything on yours. It surprised you, how upset he looked as it dawned on him. “What did they do?”

And just like that, you let it all go because there was no point in saying everything was fine, you were sad, he was mad— things could go terribly wrong or perfectly fine and you needed it to just happen already.

He listened, all his attention on your face as you both sat on the bed, his thumb rubbing circles on the back of your hand. Your chest started aching as the hiccups began to interrupt you, between the crying and the eagerness to explain yourself now that you had the chance to let it out, you were desperate to find some relief.

Cliff shushed you, soothing sounds filling your ears. You heard him say he would get you some water to which you could only nod. You didn’t know how much time passed, you just knew you were still crying. Words flew out from your mouth when he was back, you hadn’t realized how many things you had bottled up until the moment you caught yourself speaking about your first day of work when everything had begun.

He hugged you tightly once the hiccups stopped, letting you cry some more on his chest as he played with your hair. Sweet nothings were whispered like second nature, how competent you were, how pretty, how attractive, how much he loved you. You even wondered why people called them sweet nothings when it truly meant everything to you.

“We’re going to find you another job, darling,” he assured, “don’t you worry your pretty little mind.”

You shrugged, knowing it wouldn’t change much. “Everyone will say the same,” you lamented.

“You can’t let them do that to you. I know it’s not your fault,” Cliff quickly clarified, “but we can’t please everyone and not everyone will like us. Maybe this is different and I can’t understand it because I’m not going through it, but I know it’s still true.”

Nodding, you looked down at your hands on your lap. It was easier said than done, no matter how well he meant he wasn’t the one who would go through it. “What if they’re right?”

You wanted to take the words back upon hearing his huff, wanting everything but to go through a fight that night. You were tired, drained actually, and fights with Cliff didn’t happen often but when they did you ended needing a lot of alone time to recharge.

“Look,” he sighed, clearly trying to mask his annoyance when he knew it wasn’t your fault, “if you want to make some changes to your routine, maybe become more active or eat healthier... that’s great, love. I will happily go through it with you.” His hand fell on top of yours, giving a squeeze to get the point across and to gain your attention so his next words were understood. “But if you don’t want to, if you feel fine, you don’t have to change a damn thing.”

“Can I make that decision later on?” you timidly asked. You weren’t ready to take such a big step, you truly just wanted to get some rest.

Cliff agreed, leaning to peck your lips in reassurance. You allowed yourself to smile which only made him kiss you properly that time around, hugging you by the hips when you kissed back.

Later that night, while laying on his chest, you focused on the sound of his heartbeat as he watched some TV. You were trying to pay attention to whatever was happening on the show but your mind was somewhere else. The next day would be big, you’d finally focus on what you needed instead of what people wanted and allow yourself to make a decision regarding what you would do to accomplish it.

The next day you’d finally start the journey to get what you truly deserved, and you would give it to your own self while your boyfriend accompanied you.