#experience with it and it was Not at all healthy for me . bc of my brain)
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The first time Vox said, "I love you," to Valentino, it went horribly wrong, because Val laughed and made a joke about how often he's heard that as a sex worker (especially now that he's in Hell and has become a walking talking aphrodisiac that Vox was currently high on). Vox is now so self conscious about his feelings and has never voiced them that way since. In Val's mind, he told Vox to only say that if he means it, but Vox hasn't told Val he loves him ever again, so Val certainly isn't going to be the one to say it first.
#Vox and Val also experience love and attraction very differently. not incompatibly tho. i mean they're not healthy by any means#but they make their toxic cesspool of a relationship work. for them.#voxval#anyway i will find a way to work this detail into my fics. but it is the basis of like a dozen of Vox's Issues#where Vox is like 'i can't let the people i trust most see me vulnerable' even tho it literally would not be an issue#because he confessed his love once to Val and Val laughed at him and acted like Vox was the same as anyone else he'd fucked#(bc Val was not ready to admit that Vox had wormed his way into Val's heart. Val doesn't love easily‚#he finds sex and desire a whole lot more readily than any emotional notion of love—but Vox is one of the few people he would say he loves)#so Vox always has this nagging anxiety that he is not nearly as important to Val as Val is to him#(doesn't help that Val rants to him all the time and whatever is going on with Angel Dust this week)#and then of course. Vox confessed to Alastor and Alastor rejected him very soundly.#and. what are Vox and Val doing if not making their relationship issues with other people impact their relationship with each other?#staticmoth
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okay hear me out. i know i love science and i’m very good at chemistry and physics. but what if i became a fucking accountant
#IM SERIOUS…….#like i’ve been doing research about what career path to tailor my degree towards when i go back to school#and it seems like chemistry careers outside of phd research and academia just. barely exist in the US anymore#they’ve been largely outsourced or are extremely geographically limited. or it’s pure bench work that barely pays better than retail#and i’m like. knowing what i know now about my health i just cannot go into academia. i cant. it would take up 100% of my life#and as much as i think i could be smart enough i just like don’t. want to give up on hobbies or having a personal life.#i’m a slow reader/writer. i cant be writing all those papers and making all of those curriculums. it would be all i ever did#and i don’t want to constantly move across the country in pursuit of unicorn chem/bio jobs that would actually interest me#i need to be near my family or a few very close friends on case of a medical emergency#and as for accounting like. look at my hobbies. i love optimizing dragon capitalism on FR. i love making charts and solving puzzles#i don’t mind menial tasks. i need a job with consistent hours that i can leave at the office. bc otherwise i can get too wound up#accountants are in demand everywhere and the pay is actually proportional to the amount of schooling required#depending on the company you work for the work/life balance can be pretty reasonable apparently#i’m good at math enjoy solving problems and have job experience recruiting clients and solving their unique problems#it’s not as spiritually fulfilling as astrobiology but like does it have to be? if i could have a stable and healthy life with people i love#idfk man
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bleh
#blabbering#rambling/whining/complaining/venting ahead:#I think the horrors have finally caught up to me and the depresso is starting to take hold#i don't usually experience this until winter but I think the sudden drop of activity and people going on hiatus and such -#has triggered this early for me#basically I can't be left alone with my thoughts for too long or i start spiraling REALLY badly.#i don't really handle change very well haha...#i have the notorious curse of second guessing anything and everything and putting it on repeat in my head and then amplifying it#which sucks bc I don't have any more escapisms that work now bc this was already my escapism and I have no human connections irl#(I'm not kidding either. I've failed time and time again to make friends irl and was always the proactive one about it. But alas... ugh)#my only source for connections is online bc i struggle to make friends (especially at my age and how my energy keeps depleting and depletin#might lowkey be sharkweek but usually I just get more agitated and not this (this is very specific to the winter horrors™ for me)#i guess I may as well check out the spears while they're around still (tho in between me making dinner). I'm just feeling super bummed out#and not excited like I was the other day about it (ofc I blame the depresso™).#I don't even know what to do for my beta characters. Head empty. Head gone. sigh.#also it sucks bc next week is gonna kick my ass at work (canada day/july 4th/july in general/5 DAYS and long shifts in there too)#i'm going to be so tired and so alone and with nothing to look forward to. Idk what to do bc none of my usual distractions are effective no#No escape. No seretonin. No company. Nothin'. I notice I when i start getting bad like this when I fall back hard into pokemon#(because it was my childhood escapism and I was a neglected only child who was left alone a lot; hence the connection lol)#i'll probably just have to suffer through it and be an absolute wreck of a person i think. I don't really have any other options#watch me get sick again bc canada sucks to work bc everyone has it off and they ALL GO TO THE STORE I WORK AT AND IT SUCKS.#gonna try to draw more too but the depresso is eating my brain worms (the healthy brain worms)
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"ur repressed" okay well have u even considered that emotions r purposeless and only serve to cause harm to those around u and I have achieved a unique transcendent state beyond them. have u considered that
#joking but like. am I wrong though#yeah no one is able to overcome the inherent human flaw of emotion and anyone who thinks they can is in fact mentally unwell#except for me I'm built different I have actually managed to transcend emotion. this is a good thing and not a problem#I saw my father's anger and my mother's discontent and my brother's self loathing and my friend's yearning.#and I saw how it only made everyone more unhappy. and I decided I would be above them all and never let my emotions rule me.#I was scared of the dark until I realized that fear wasn't useful to feel. so I stopped feeling it#this is a good thing and I am a paragon of mental health I think#mmm alternatively I was made to play mediator in a family of traumatized ppl and learned to repress my emotions to the point of dysfunction#but I prefer to think I'm enlightened and have no problems. this is fine and will not blow up in my face#anyways. just now realizing that this might stem from my childhood. oops#also realizing that I'm probably not aro and I just learned to turn off romantic attraction bc I saw how miserable it made my friend??#well. I still don't experience romantic attraction. but probably I should and I will if I ever sort out this repression thing. whoopsie#really she was ready to kill herself over some white guy and I looked at that and was like. nope. I'm never stooping to that level#mm might not help that my parents never loved each other and I never had a healthy romantic relationship modeled for me as a child#but still like really like what is the point. of having emotions. they're just not useful#oh hurr durr I'm angry at my friends for talking over a tv show. there is no way to act on this without damaging ppl and relationships#ohh I'm in love with this guy who will never love me back. THERE IS NO PRODUCTIVE WAY TO ACT ON THIS#literally emotions can only be destructive and I'm a better person for opting out of them#there are no downsides to being repressed! I can still feel positive emotions. I'm happy sometimes. sometimes I'm excited. it's fine#guy who is Unpacking Things live on ur dash. sorry#narcissus's echoes#vent
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._.
#no to be mean but sometimes i just dont have the energy to make myself like reply to ppl nd try to interact#continiously ppl block me bc i dont reply fast enough or etc etc#nd it's just like damn i tried just to get blocked???? 🥴🥴🥴#also funny thing in my experience it's mostly girl mutuals who lose patience nd block me#hmmm inchresting 🧐#anyway im wording this clumsily but like im just so exhausted nd my heart's tired#im tired of building some sort of light online attachment to someone#just to feel crushed when i notice they've blocked me nd i dont even know why???#also wanna be clear that im referring to ppl i've talked to. not just interactions. sksks 🥴#i know not everyone will block me nd i know there r nice ppl here but like i dont have the energy to sort thru it all#or take chances bc im tired 😭😭#i feel bad bc there r ofc very kind ppl who reach out to me nd stuff but in my bones im dejected#like what if i actually do start talking nd i start feeling affinity to u nd slight healthy attachment nd then boom one day u block me???#i feel mean nd oversensitive complaining abt this but idk 😣#i liked this mutual nd talking to them but they blocked me nd idk whyyyy what did i do i always do smth y'all gotta fill out a form telling#maybe if i had irl friends i wouldnt care tho im aware im a loser
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listen I am about as pro-abortion as anyone can be, but aborting a baby just because they have Down's Syndrome should be fucking illegal. If you're someone who actively wants and is trying for a child, then you should be mentally, financially, and emotionally willing to provide for that child for the rest of your life if something goes wrong- because that is what being a good parent takes, and many many things can go wrong. Down's Syndrome is not at all close to the worst thing that can happen to a baby, and people with it can grow up to be happy, healthy, content adults- they just need a little bit of extra help and a different approach to raising them. If you just want a 'normal' child so that you can boot them out of your house when they turn 18 and have them around to take care of you when you're older, then you don't actually want children, you want an investment. A doll, not a family member. Not a person.
#the only exception to this would be people who cannot financially provide the aid for a baby with downs syndrom#but even then the government should be giving you money for childcare anyways soooo#context for this: i am a genetics major in a genetics class studying nondisjunction (the thing that leads to down syndrome)#and boy oh boy are some of the opinions im experiencing while studying making me mad!!!!#just. idk i think the reason why i got diagnosed autistic so late was bc my mom did an incredible job accomidating me when little#bc she didn't care that i needed extra help all she cared about was that i was healthy and safe#bc i'm her child#i'm *family*#and that's what you do!! you fucking care for your family!!#(provided they aren't abusive)#this is why autism moms piss me off so much too bc they dont actually WANT children they want the popularized experience of children#they want it easy and they don't see their kids as people. they just learn that they need a little different or extra help#and then bitch about it for all eternally#maam your child isnt sick they dont need a cure they are a PERSON that is a HEALTHY HUMAN BEING WITHIN NORMAL VARIANCE VALUES#TREAT THEM LIKE ONE FOR FUCK'S SAKE
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do you think carlos has a specific waxing salon he uses in spain or he just searches the highest reviewed place in any city he’s in?
This is an intriguing question, and someone more thorough than I would cross reference how hairy he is during certain races vs. when he appears baby smooth to figure out what city he’s likely waxing in…
Or, if you’re like tumblr user vegasgrandprix, you believe he has his gf wax him 🙃
#could be his kink#he’s trying to get all his guy friends to do it#anyway#if Carlos’ hair is anything like mine (thick and stubborn) which it seems like it is…#I would be nervous to go to salons I’ve never been to even looking at reviews 😅#but that’s mostly bc of the healthy fear my sister’s bad experiences instilled in me#once you find a salon you trust it’s too scary to go anywhere else lol#anon#ask
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processed some trauma i think
#i did a lot of things very wrong when i was a teenager but also i was a teenager and everything was difficult#i feel bad for how i ended some of my friendships over the years bc it was often like.#they were clearly struggling. something was deeply wrong with all of my friends home lives. deadly serious things. molestation abuse etc#but when i was 14-16 that was extremely difficult for me to contextualize. i knew it was bad of course i wasnt stupid#it was more just. i didnt have the life experience to know just How Much it affected a person.#that type of shit can obliterate healthy functioning adults. the type of behavior it invokes in teens can be fucking UNPARALLELED#it affects your entire brain and body. i dont think theres a single part of you thats left completely undamaged.#in retrospect i now recognize that there was more i could've done. i could've talked to my parents more and i really dont know why I didnt.#i think I just felt like nothing could be done?#and there probably wasnt much that could be done#but idk. it could've helped me process it which could've helped them process it.#and as important as i think compassion is. even towards people who can be viscerally unpleasant. i was a kid. not a social worker#it was the responsibility of the adults around us to make it better. and they either failed or made it worse.#it's just awful to think back on it and realize that we were all in this shit together. but the trauma ripped us apart anyway.#i really sincerely hope everyone from those dA chatroom days are doing better now. i hope they're safe. i hope they're not dead.#it's always going to bother me a little bit that i have no way of knowing what happened to any of them.
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transfem furries hornyposting online about the relatively niche/"out there" things they're into have inadvertently helped me accept myself more than the body positivity movement of the 2010s ever did
#this will not be rebloggable because i don't want people to get transmisogynistic in the notes#it's just something i've been thinking about lately#i hope i'm not like out of line for saying this please let me know if i say anything disrespectful#i just have a lot of love in my heart for transfems; especially those who log on to this website to be gay on my dash and do their thing#trans wlw being proud of their identities helped me come to terms with my own in a way. idk how to properly explain it but#idk. our experiences are very different - you have to fight to be seen as a woman and i have to fight not to#(though that is part of my identity in most cases people would use it to negate the rest)#(and of course none of us should Have to fight that but. i hope it's clear what i mean lol)#and idk like. womanhood is not achieved painlessly for you and yet so many of you embrace it so beautifully and in so many ways#it makes me want to accept that part of myself i thought i had to kill for so long#i am not entirely a woman but i love being a woman and loving other women-#platonically romantically sexually it doesn't matter#i'm so grateful i get to share a community with you all and read/hear/watch your thoughts and experiences and such#which goes beyond sex stuff but sex stuff is a particular personal struggle of mine and it's something i've been trying to cultivate a more#healthy relationship to lately. and i also know that unfortunately transfems get treated even worse than everyone else when it comes to#kinks or whatever. i don't mean to imply that everyone has to be open about that stuff. i just mean that i'm grateful for those who bravely#and proudly are. anyway i'm losing my train of thought bc i'm packing for a trip and i'm a little scattered atm but the point is#transfem wlw i love you dearly thank you for existing#[oh also this post isn't meant to bash body positivity stuff and i know it's not all the same. it just often felt too sanitized and forced#for me to relate to. ok bye]#finielspeaks
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i think i should kill myself not necessarily as a desire to be dead but because i think life is incredibly boring and even moments of genuine joy dont particularly make living 70+ years of basically Nothing and Chores worthwhile. i want to see if theres another universe ill go to. and if theres not then at least i dont have to do laundry and to work anymore
#i got over being violently suicidal bc i hated myself but im still suicidal just in a different way#all happiness in life is 'despite' something or a 'but'#idk. 'i spent an amazing day with all my friends and it felt like life was worth living!' yes but thats IN SPITE OF everything else being#pointless. like the reason it feels so good is because its finally not boring and awful for five minutes not necessarily that its the#greatest joy a human being can experience#i dont particularly think anything we can experience on earth or in a human body is very interesting. its only interesting in comparison to#everyday life. we arent psychic or having ecstatic visions or discovering new worlds and colors or anything particularly monumental#i want to die so i can have the potential to shift to another planet or reality#i want to join a cult NOT bc i think theyre not insanely abusive and corrupt and evil or could be good but because i need#to be made delusional or something. like i need my brain twisted into a new shape. not into a healthy shape or anything or to be 'fixed'#i need to be fully crazy or in a coma or a permanent drug induced episode or something. or be dead#those are the options. im simply so bored of being alive no matter if life goes good or bad im just not interested#its like a tv show i dont particularly like. im not saying its bad its just not for me. id like to change the channel
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venting so much i ran out of tags lmao
#i think im hallucinating ?????#i have my headphones on (listening to boyfeel on repeat n choppin up some paper)#and keep feeling / seeing shadows in my peripheral vision#im probably just dehydrated and having bad floaters but i dont like it :)#today has also been bad dramatically awful#life isn't serious there's no reason to feel this heavy#oop very emo thoughts incoming#life can't be meaningful or ill miss my parents too much but can't be meaningless or im living without them for nothing#im just. struggling very hard this year. idk#i had so much health bullshit going on for months that i put off going to a psych n now im so busy that it feels bad taking time off for it#and im also scared of getting on meds bc the idea of being dependent on something that i might not have access to is.. auuughhh#idk dude my adhd has been debilitating lately and i feel so stuck and sometimes i think i have ocd bc my compulsions are so fucking bad and#all my mental bullshit with my breathing has slowly been driving me wild and peaks my anxiety#and sometimes i worry abt being bipolar bc my mom's mom is and my mom's best friend told me she thought my mom might have been#bc the way my moods are so low or so high is exhausting it feels like i haven't had a “normal” day in so long#but also atp when im happy i feel manic bc idk how to healthily experience happiness anymore#idfk y'all !!!! im also very nonverbal these days#ugh and still going back n forth on telling my therapist ive been suicidal again bc i dont want him to have to report me or anything idk#a few months ago i made a joke about offing myself and he got rly serious n said he'd have to take action if im serious so im leaning no#like. i wouldnt actually kill myself. i just don't want to exist sometimes in this life#its just been very very very very very very very very very very very very very very hard lately without my parents or grandma#and even after all these years it's still heartwrenching to think about continuing to live this life without them#like. i just want to make them laugh. i just want to feel their arms around me in a warm hug. i just want to dance to their favorite songs.#i don't want to think of them and see their dead bodies anymore. i want to remember them healthy and smiling.#i would take care of them again in every lifetime but fuck dude. i just want to remember their good days instead of the end. can i please#please fucking invision them at their best. i want to remember the dad that played baseball and video games and whose laugh filled the room#i want to remember my grandma who was so sassy but kind. whose button nose crinkled when she smiled. who taught me to happily be dramatic#i don't want to remember them being frail. i want to forget the frustration i saw in their eyes. i want to forget seeing them struggle#(insert sadness about not remembering my mom at all)#just. fuck dude. my life is simple and i am safe so i shouldn't complain. but things feel so fucking hard sometimes. i feel so heartbroken
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[Coping with Loneliness and Cracks in Control]
Ah, it’s happening again. This irritating habit of leaving the body alone But there’s no one here either. It’s youyouyou no matter how much you call. (so cavernous it echoes) so stop doing it Your mind has been cracked open over and over again with every repair the damage worsens how long? “Tuvok, how do you do it?” desperately. The Vulcan mind is a fascinating thing. Mysterious. Resilient. Much like the Vulcan people - it can survive much worse than this. “Give me all you’ve got!” because I’m empty empty empty desperately. Meditate. Sort it out. Hm? Isn’t this too much for less than half a person? I can’t live like this. What other choice do you have? [A Mind Meld - Desperately]
#Tuvok#my writing#bea art tag#-guy who's about to say some wild bullshit-.........so hear me out#Vulcans are born with bonds. They're bonded with their parents who in turn have their own bonds and it reaches back as long as Vulcans have#existed - they're a culture of bonds and telepathy who derive affection and comfort and peace THROUGH this bonds#(evidenced by the 'flame' of pon farr being 'put out' through bonding with another Vulcan)#I'm sure a great amount of control and satisfaction is derived through them. Also as I've stated before Tuvok & T'Pel consider themselves as#part of one another in a more extreme way than human romantic partners (two bodies one mind)#so when Tuvok is thrown into the delta quadrant he loses all of these bonds ('They are a part of me and I feel incomplete without them') <-#to me 'incomplete' here isn't an emotion like a human would experience it but like...literally if someone took half your brain and shot four#holes in what was left of it. If you've operated 60 something years thinking in tandem with another person then losing them would be losing#a great deal of yourself. And it's not like Tuvok has other bonds to fall on like he might on Vulcan if this occured - he's got NO ONE#he has humans and other aliens surrounding him but they aren't Vulcan and he doesn't bond with any of them telepathically but you know what#he does do?? like a notable amount?? mind melds#and also have his brain invaded by forces he didn't consent to#this combination makes me think about Tuvok who is so desperately lonely and also afraid - the first Vulcan without bonds - making it all up#as he goes along bc he has to (everyone has to) and bc he has no one he can confide in that would understand or really be able to help him#in tandem afraid of his mind being out of his control and wanting himself to feel whole again even if only momentarily - even he's#attatching himself to someone who will only worsen his mental strain (bc he has no excuse to mind meld with someone who's healthy - though#it would be beneficial to him as we see that's a treatment to trauma canonically)#Tuvok (suffering from tremendous alien forms of trauma that he keeps exposing himself to voluntarily in a move that is all at once#self-soothing and self harm): I do not require assistance. I am Vulcan.#If the writer's aren't going to explore Tuvok's inner world then listen. LISTEN. /I AM!!!!!!/#I'M GONNA DO IT EVEN IF IT MAKES ME LOOK STUPID#I hope any of this made sense#st voyager#st voyager art#Tuvok art#comix
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anyone else keep slipping back into bad habits and unhealthy coping mechanisms not because you can't do better or you don't have the skills or motivation to stick to a better lifestyle but because the vibe of your life just feels wrong if you try to be like, healthy
#this was the hardest thing about quitting smoking to be its just a loss of so many vibes that i enjoy. like obviously i was#psychologically and physiologically addicted to nicotine so it wasnt vibes but like i think the sort of#loss of the feelings in my life that smoking caused and the vibe of being a smoker was much hardeer to cope with than like#nicotine cravings or whatever#its kind of interesting bc a lot of this stuff i KNOW it makes me feel worse and i know its not good for me and i dont particularly WANT#to be doing it but also i do want to be doing it bc it gives me something i just cant get otherwise. and like#the experience of being a healthy good person isn't the same. it doesnt feel as interesting#its less novel and less stimulating yk#ugh its all the adhd isnt it
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Okay a bit of a personal rant, but it is so immensely frustrating to have so many clear medical issues whether they overlap from the same cause or not and be unable to understand WHY they’re happening and how to stop them while also having no one at all taking you seriously
Like I don’t think it’s normal for me to periodically like every two weeks or so have migraines so horrific radiating pain from the center of my forehead and the nape of my neck so badly that I can’t sleep and feel like moving will cause me to vomit from how painful it is, making me so nauseous it feels hard to breathe too
I am 18, I shouldn’t be having joints that stiffen when I stop moving for 5 minutes and that click when I move, nor should my knees just y’know super easily slip out of place when I’m just trying to walk normally and not fix themselves for a while, forcing me to feel that main and discomfort as I walk. For gods sake, I have gone to the ER for Sciatica, and after consulting an orthopedic doctor, I learned the reason they gave me in the ER for why it was so bad I couldn’t walk was BS so now I have no idea what the cause is
And that’s not mentioning the weirdness in my legs and left arm where sometimes, they’ll ache so badly so painful while radiating heat and making it feel as if my skin is too small and it’s horrible and it’s throbbing pain and it comes and goes with no reason because it’s never sparked by injuries either, it just happens and I’m stuck with dealing with it
And my fucking gut health, like I don’t eat the best and my mom too has a “sensitive stomach” but when I eat things that are fine, my body still has these horrible reactions sometimes and all it does is leave me with no energy, just laying in bed all day feel horrific and in turn, making my leg issues worse?? Because I can’t stand up for more than an hour, I can barely sit down for an hour, and I can barely lay down for long without my legs getting all messed up and I’ve done physical therapy but schedule conflicts and money have put a stop to that
I’m just so tired, I’m so tired p, I want the pain to stop
All they’ve told me about my leg issues is that “Ha you have hyper mobility” and I definitely do, but I dunno I don’t think all my leg issues are solely “a minor case of hyper mobility” especially when my physical therapist in the past was able to move around my vertebrae with her hands very easily when she tested it
Aorry if this is incoherent and sorry for rambling about personal pain stuff, I’m just a bit out of it from how painful this migraine is, my eyes hurt and I can’t sleep this sucks
#i have no energy#im always in pain somehow or in some way#nothing changes#things barely get better#no one takes my pain seriously#my mom thinks i just want to act like a patient sometimes#i just want a solution#i just want the pain to go away and to feel healthy and normal for once#i want to figure out what i have#but i have no idea where to start other than hyper mobility#i dont know how else to check my symptoms whether theyre all related or different#all this pain doesnt help with all the me tal health issues i have too#anxiety disorder depression recurring autism adhd#its like i have barely any energy to begin with and i can barely direct it#and then boom bam wap the little energy i had is gone bc mom used too much oil for the chicken#any medical advice#i know it wont be professional#but like personal experiences would help if anyone has them#im so tired#chronic pain#medical advice
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𖦹 ׂ 𓈒 🐇 / ⋆ ۪
#i dont know there's just... smth within me that craves it. in a profound wat#way** -_-#like... i am just someone who is made to love and be loved. that is what i want in this world in this life#i dont have any dreams or aspirations. all i need and want is to love#and since i dont have that in my life i am so deeply unhappy#and like i dont give a fuck about the 'love yourself#be whole by yourself. live a full life on your own#dont be happy bc of other ppl' blah blah blah#i dont care. my world view is that we are all different. we are all made of various stuff and we all need different things#(in my opinion; as long as u dont hurt anyone.... depending on intent... like depending on who u hurt and why.. as long as u dont harm#random innocent ppl for no fkn reasonand without consent. it is all fine)#the truth about the world is that none of us got all the fkn answers and we have no fkn right to demand that everybody lives according to a#made up book of rules. that's like actual insanity to me.#maybe someone else's way of living is crazy TO YOU. but theyre doing what they can to get by and thats none of your business#maybe u dont get it. maybe u dont understand. but someone else's life isnt for u to understand. only to look away and move on#if u arent compatible. needing to beat everyone down into the little box u have created is like... unrealistic and unsustainable lol#and i think that what i need as a person is nothing but love. deep profound love. which is sad bc that isnt really...#easy having my personality disorder :// plus that is smth very very rare and only a lucky few can experience that#i think i could still be happy in a healthy relationship where mutual like exists. even if... i know now that feeling that love is possible#idc if someone else is like omg thats so unhealthy gurlll love ya self gurlll. thats not what i need#everyone lives differently and yeah for some ppl it is much much harder#to get by bc we arent 'normal' or 'sane' or whatever. but it isnt wrong or incorrect#i just think im so so unhappy bc this is the one thing i need#and now me and my heart are like a withering flower#all i can hope... is that one day it will bloom. maybe one day.#but yeah no matter the amounts of work i do on myself (which i am trying to do lmfao stfu) or therapy#as long as i lack the one thing my soul craves iwill be dim and dull and feel numb
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uninstalled all the dating apps which ws like 8nof them . in the morning ill tell the guys i was talking to that i overestimared how ready i was and hopefully theyll understand andnjust drop it
#i dont feel stable enough for like . any relationship platonic or romantic andnit fucking..rly sucks bc i want to have friends but like#with what happened with daj the other day im like. i dont think i can be like . idk. ik daj said it was ok and she understood but im so#upset that i lashed iut abt that and i keep trying to get into therapy but i fucking..cant find one. at all#im trying to be more reasonable witj mymoney and i know like. i need therapy bc i Need to work this out and i am not able to work it out#with myself. i need to see a professional abt this . so ik it wouldnt be frivolous to spend money on a therapist if i cant find one in#network. bc the in network thrapists dont accept/dont specialize in working with patients with bpd which i like. thats..my issue. im almost#posiitive. ive done a lot of research and it matches up with like . all of my experiences#ik everybody feels unstable after a breakup buti genuinely like. i dont feel whole. and im looking back on how i treated myself and thiught#abt the relationship and its like. i stopped talking to all my friends i stopped talking to my family i literally dropped out of school i#moved across the country i dropped any interest that we didnt share i literally like. i gave up fucking everything and thats not. healthy.#and he never aksed me for that and its not fair of me to resent him for me doing that bc he nevrr asked me to#but i feel like. everytime i think abt him it feels like im being torn in half like . i put him on so incredibly high of a pedestal i#literally thought of him as perfect that was..recurring. and when i was upset with him i took it out on myself horrifically and thats not#normal . and jow thinking abt him literally physucally hurts bc theres still that part of me that thinks hes perfect and that im a mistake#and a failure and i didnt Be connor right. and then theres a part of me that . doesnt think of him that way#and its just like. aughhf. even outside that relationship im looking back on past friendships and how like..obsessive i get with them#and then when they 'betray' me i just. immediately turn on them and like. thats not normal..#and my sense of identity is um. Well you guys have seen. you know.#ive looked into it a lot and i rly think i have it and im not like. 100% positive but i feel like even if i dont itd be good to work with a#therapist who Has experience with that. since the experience is so similar. yk. idk#i just feel insane and i feel like bod would make like. so much of my life and the way i act and the way i react to things like..it makes#sense when i look at it as if i have bpd. and if i dont it literally seems completely irrational and erratic like. IDK. so basically i need#a therapist who can work with that but none of the ones in network specialize in that and then i was researching and found out a lot of#therapists specifically Dont work with bpd patients and like. judge their peers who do for woriing with bod#which is 1. Actually disgusting 2. Straight up stupid 3. Terrifying. so i only want to work with a therapist whi explicitely says I#specialize and work with patients with bpd 👍 but i literally could only find 1 and theyre out of network and its 15p for visit and id#prefer to do weekly visits if possible but thats . 300 per paycheck for therapy . biweekly itd be better but thats still 150. and i have to#save up for the trip home and then the new apartment immediately after#and i have to get credit card .#and in an ideal world id hold off on the therapist until i get my new apartment so that i can fully focus on coping with myself and learnin
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