#experience with it and it was Not at all healthy for me . bc of my brain)
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There was something that made me think for a while: if she was first intended to be Anya's partner, how u came up with the idea of her being with jimbob at some point? I would like to know bc there's a big gap there n all. I mean, a healthy to unhealthy gap. It made me curious abt the reasoning! Also I didn't rb before your post sorry for that 😩
(Sorry for late response dear)
I guess that decision was affected by my own personal feelings towards the characters during the creative process :’) The first time I watched a let’s play of MW, I was left feeling very protective of Anya and I HATED Jim with a burning passion. So, originally, Sammy was gonna be an ex-military, roughed and kinda buff, and she was going to protect Anya (here’s a rough sketch I made of that, plz don’t mind the anatomy or flawed perspective, I was experimenting 🤣)
But as days went by… You know, I kept having MW in the brain, and started to realize that the one that had actually made a VERY PROFOUND IMPACT on me had been Jim. I couldn’t stop thinking about him, and thinking about him would make me so angry. Like, I really, REALLY FUCKING HATED him. But it got to a point in which I was like “…Wow. I don’t know how long it’s been since a character has made me feel something so intensely.” And then I started to appreciate him more for the character and the villain that he is. He is SO WELL DONE, like I bow down to Wrong Organ. So… little by little, love started to bloom from that hatred, and I wanted to use Sammy to express those feelings :’3 (Don’t be fooled tho, the love and hate I feel for him go hand in hand and neither replaces the other. I still hate him for his actions in the game and rejoice whenever I see fanarts of him getting what he deserves, lawfully or violently, but I love him as a character all the same, and who am I kidding? I do find him physically attractive, he’s my type lmao).
Now, in regards to Jim and Sammy’s relationship, I’m obviously well aware that Jim is not a sweet pea, and that if they were to be together romantically, it would be a terrible, terrible relationship. Since Sammy is a self insert, I decided to have her know better than to stay with him, and, well… that reminded me of a personal experience that I had with an ex boyfriend of mine :’) Thankfully, my ex was NOT NEARLY AS BAD as Jim (it would be like comparing a newborn tabby kitten to a full grown tiger lmao), but I still knew that he was no good for me and that I deserved better, so I broke up with him. However, I was still so madly in love with him, and stayed in love with him for around 10 years 🫠 I went to therapy, “got over him”, and then cried for him again the next time I saw him. Took me a LOOOOOT to finally get over him for good, but I was able to have closure. And, well… I decided to base Sammy and Jim’s relationship on that. She knows she deserves better, and she’s not afraid to hold him accountable for the things he says and does, but deep down she’s still very much in love with him (and those feelings will ultimately doom her) YwY
Anyway, I should probably wrap this up before it keeps getting longer 😅😅 I’m so sorry
Thank you for coming to my ted talk ❤️
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Guys help I can't stop being negative about Arcane season 2
I know that sounds stupid but like. I feel physically compelled to complain about it. I can't stop. I know it's unpleasant for other people and I know it's not making me any happier but I don't seem capable of engaging positively with Arcane anymore and I don't seem capable of not engaging at all
#hyperfixation but when it's evil and full of hatred#why would my brain ever do this#made this post bc I wrote a post about Isha and reread it before hitting post and realized.#that isn't nice. that's not helpful or contemplative or interesting. that's just annoying#and tbh I think if I looked at all my Arcane commentary I'd feel similarly#I'm not adding anything by hating on season 2#but I also feel so strongly about season 2 that I get personally offended when people enjoyed season two#THAT'S NOT GOOD!!!! That's not healthy community engagement#but my feelings are Very Strong And Loud#and if you know me you know that I think with my heart#maybe if I just separate myself from canon enough then I can experience joy about Arcane again#forget canon.... forget canon..... forget canon.....(casting my spell)
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okay hear me out. i know i love science and i’m very good at chemistry and physics. but what if i became a fucking accountant
#IM SERIOUS…….#like i’ve been doing research about what career path to tailor my degree towards when i go back to school#and it seems like chemistry careers outside of phd research and academia just. barely exist in the US anymore#they’ve been largely outsourced or are extremely geographically limited. or it’s pure bench work that barely pays better than retail#and i’m like. knowing what i know now about my health i just cannot go into academia. i cant. it would take up 100% of my life#and as much as i think i could be smart enough i just like don’t. want to give up on hobbies or having a personal life.#i’m a slow reader/writer. i cant be writing all those papers and making all of those curriculums. it would be all i ever did#and i don’t want to constantly move across the country in pursuit of unicorn chem/bio jobs that would actually interest me#i need to be near my family or a few very close friends on case of a medical emergency#and as for accounting like. look at my hobbies. i love optimizing dragon capitalism on FR. i love making charts and solving puzzles#i don’t mind menial tasks. i need a job with consistent hours that i can leave at the office. bc otherwise i can get too wound up#accountants are in demand everywhere and the pay is actually proportional to the amount of schooling required#depending on the company you work for the work/life balance can be pretty reasonable apparently#i’m good at math enjoy solving problems and have job experience recruiting clients and solving their unique problems#it’s not as spiritually fulfilling as astrobiology but like does it have to be? if i could have a stable and healthy life with people i love#idfk man
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"ur repressed" okay well have u even considered that emotions r purposeless and only serve to cause harm to those around u and I have achieved a unique transcendent state beyond them. have u considered that
#joking but like. am I wrong though#yeah no one is able to overcome the inherent human flaw of emotion and anyone who thinks they can is in fact mentally unwell#except for me I'm built different I have actually managed to transcend emotion. this is a good thing and not a problem#I saw my father's anger and my mother's discontent and my brother's self loathing and my friend's yearning.#and I saw how it only made everyone more unhappy. and I decided I would be above them all and never let my emotions rule me.#I was scared of the dark until I realized that fear wasn't useful to feel. so I stopped feeling it#this is a good thing and I am a paragon of mental health I think#mmm alternatively I was made to play mediator in a family of traumatized ppl and learned to repress my emotions to the point of dysfunction#but I prefer to think I'm enlightened and have no problems. this is fine and will not blow up in my face#anyways. just now realizing that this might stem from my childhood. oops#also realizing that I'm probably not aro and I just learned to turn off romantic attraction bc I saw how miserable it made my friend??#well. I still don't experience romantic attraction. but probably I should and I will if I ever sort out this repression thing. whoopsie#really she was ready to kill herself over some white guy and I looked at that and was like. nope. I'm never stooping to that level#mm might not help that my parents never loved each other and I never had a healthy romantic relationship modeled for me as a child#but still like really like what is the point. of having emotions. they're just not useful#oh hurr durr I'm angry at my friends for talking over a tv show. there is no way to act on this without damaging ppl and relationships#ohh I'm in love with this guy who will never love me back. THERE IS NO PRODUCTIVE WAY TO ACT ON THIS#literally emotions can only be destructive and I'm a better person for opting out of them#there are no downsides to being repressed! I can still feel positive emotions. I'm happy sometimes. sometimes I'm excited. it's fine#guy who is Unpacking Things live on ur dash. sorry#narcissus's echoes#vent
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bleh
#blabbering#rambling/whining/complaining/venting ahead:#I think the horrors have finally caught up to me and the depresso is starting to take hold#i don't usually experience this until winter but I think the sudden drop of activity and people going on hiatus and such -#has triggered this early for me#basically I can't be left alone with my thoughts for too long or i start spiraling REALLY badly.#i don't really handle change very well haha...#i have the notorious curse of second guessing anything and everything and putting it on repeat in my head and then amplifying it#which sucks bc I don't have any more escapisms that work now bc this was already my escapism and I have no human connections irl#(I'm not kidding either. I've failed time and time again to make friends irl and was always the proactive one about it. But alas... ugh)#my only source for connections is online bc i struggle to make friends (especially at my age and how my energy keeps depleting and depletin#might lowkey be sharkweek but usually I just get more agitated and not this (this is very specific to the winter horrors™ for me)#i guess I may as well check out the spears while they're around still (tho in between me making dinner). I'm just feeling super bummed out#and not excited like I was the other day about it (ofc I blame the depresso™).#I don't even know what to do for my beta characters. Head empty. Head gone. sigh.#also it sucks bc next week is gonna kick my ass at work (canada day/july 4th/july in general/5 DAYS and long shifts in there too)#i'm going to be so tired and so alone and with nothing to look forward to. Idk what to do bc none of my usual distractions are effective no#No escape. No seretonin. No company. Nothin'. I notice I when i start getting bad like this when I fall back hard into pokemon#(because it was my childhood escapism and I was a neglected only child who was left alone a lot; hence the connection lol)#i'll probably just have to suffer through it and be an absolute wreck of a person i think. I don't really have any other options#watch me get sick again bc canada sucks to work bc everyone has it off and they ALL GO TO THE STORE I WORK AT AND IT SUCKS.#gonna try to draw more too but the depresso is eating my brain worms (the healthy brain worms)
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5 Happy Things
Dec 28, 2024
it's been a while since i did this so the fact that i remembered and wanted to do it is nice <3 also bonus it makes me think of my friends who do it too
my family is so wonderful and kind and i have been granted such goodness and fortune
my friends are so cool and brilliant and i have been granted such goodness and fortune
bf got me this nougat-like dessert from china and it is so good y'all
found out fb messenger has an ocean background that has a whale as the default emoji
#5 happy things#i was talking to me mum this morning and she was like 'i'm sorry your body is so bad :((' (in a nicer way LOL)#and i was like. tbh. my specific bad body is such a small thing bc i'm not like in chronic pain or anything and it's not severe#but to experience and know the care that others have for me while i'm unwell is to know a greater love than i would've otherwise#so i think i would rather suffer illness and pain and have known how grand the love my mom has had for me#than to have lived a perfectly healthy life not knowing to appreciate and care for her as she has for me all along#my body isn't even that bad BTW. do not let my tags give you the wrong idea#in other news i've been doing this 60 day bible reading plan with some of my friends and it is SO fun#it's the kind of insane where it's like who cares if you're behind? who cares if you're failing a bit? let's all fail a bit together!#but it's also just really cool to fly through the bible like this#and it's a joy that i didn't realize i could have to share this with friends#which sounds so dumb but i've never had any christian friends before so hbgweisdjol#btw my nonchristian friends are equally awesome and loveable and cool. JSYK.
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do you think carlos has a specific waxing salon he uses in spain or he just searches the highest reviewed place in any city he’s in?
This is an intriguing question, and someone more thorough than I would cross reference how hairy he is during certain races vs. when he appears baby smooth to figure out what city he’s likely waxing in…
Or, if you’re like tumblr user vegasgrandprix, you believe he has his gf wax him 🙃
#could be his kink#he’s trying to get all his guy friends to do it#anyway#if Carlos’ hair is anything like mine (thick and stubborn) which it seems like it is…#I would be nervous to go to salons I’ve never been to even looking at reviews 😅#but that’s mostly bc of the healthy fear my sister’s bad experiences instilled in me#once you find a salon you trust it’s too scary to go anywhere else lol#anon#ask
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processed some trauma i think
#i did a lot of things very wrong when i was a teenager but also i was a teenager and everything was difficult#i feel bad for how i ended some of my friendships over the years bc it was often like.#they were clearly struggling. something was deeply wrong with all of my friends home lives. deadly serious things. molestation abuse etc#but when i was 14-16 that was extremely difficult for me to contextualize. i knew it was bad of course i wasnt stupid#it was more just. i didnt have the life experience to know just How Much it affected a person.#that type of shit can obliterate healthy functioning adults. the type of behavior it invokes in teens can be fucking UNPARALLELED#it affects your entire brain and body. i dont think theres a single part of you thats left completely undamaged.#in retrospect i now recognize that there was more i could've done. i could've talked to my parents more and i really dont know why I didnt.#i think I just felt like nothing could be done?#and there probably wasnt much that could be done#but idk. it could've helped me process it which could've helped them process it.#and as important as i think compassion is. even towards people who can be viscerally unpleasant. i was a kid. not a social worker#it was the responsibility of the adults around us to make it better. and they either failed or made it worse.#it's just awful to think back on it and realize that we were all in this shit together. but the trauma ripped us apart anyway.#i really sincerely hope everyone from those dA chatroom days are doing better now. i hope they're safe. i hope they're not dead.#it's always going to bother me a little bit that i have no way of knowing what happened to any of them.
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transfem furries hornyposting online about the relatively niche/"out there" things they're into have inadvertently helped me accept myself more than the body positivity movement of the 2010s ever did
#this will not be rebloggable because i don't want people to get transmisogynistic in the notes#it's just something i've been thinking about lately#i hope i'm not like out of line for saying this please let me know if i say anything disrespectful#i just have a lot of love in my heart for transfems; especially those who log on to this website to be gay on my dash and do their thing#trans wlw being proud of their identities helped me come to terms with my own in a way. idk how to properly explain it but#idk. our experiences are very different - you have to fight to be seen as a woman and i have to fight not to#(though that is part of my identity in most cases people would use it to negate the rest)#(and of course none of us should Have to fight that but. i hope it's clear what i mean lol)#and idk like. womanhood is not achieved painlessly for you and yet so many of you embrace it so beautifully and in so many ways#it makes me want to accept that part of myself i thought i had to kill for so long#i am not entirely a woman but i love being a woman and loving other women-#platonically romantically sexually it doesn't matter#i'm so grateful i get to share a community with you all and read/hear/watch your thoughts and experiences and such#which goes beyond sex stuff but sex stuff is a particular personal struggle of mine and it's something i've been trying to cultivate a more#healthy relationship to lately. and i also know that unfortunately transfems get treated even worse than everyone else when it comes to#kinks or whatever. i don't mean to imply that everyone has to be open about that stuff. i just mean that i'm grateful for those who bravely#and proudly are. anyway i'm losing my train of thought bc i'm packing for a trip and i'm a little scattered atm but the point is#transfem wlw i love you dearly thank you for existing#[oh also this post isn't meant to bash body positivity stuff and i know it's not all the same. it just often felt too sanitized and forced#for me to relate to. ok bye]#finielspeaks
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i think i should kill myself not necessarily as a desire to be dead but because i think life is incredibly boring and even moments of genuine joy dont particularly make living 70+ years of basically Nothing and Chores worthwhile. i want to see if theres another universe ill go to. and if theres not then at least i dont have to do laundry and to work anymore
#i got over being violently suicidal bc i hated myself but im still suicidal just in a different way#all happiness in life is 'despite' something or a 'but'#idk. 'i spent an amazing day with all my friends and it felt like life was worth living!' yes but thats IN SPITE OF everything else being#pointless. like the reason it feels so good is because its finally not boring and awful for five minutes not necessarily that its the#greatest joy a human being can experience#i dont particularly think anything we can experience on earth or in a human body is very interesting. its only interesting in comparison to#everyday life. we arent psychic or having ecstatic visions or discovering new worlds and colors or anything particularly monumental#i want to die so i can have the potential to shift to another planet or reality#i want to join a cult NOT bc i think theyre not insanely abusive and corrupt and evil or could be good but because i need#to be made delusional or something. like i need my brain twisted into a new shape. not into a healthy shape or anything or to be 'fixed'#i need to be fully crazy or in a coma or a permanent drug induced episode or something. or be dead#those are the options. im simply so bored of being alive no matter if life goes good or bad im just not interested#its like a tv show i dont particularly like. im not saying its bad its just not for me. id like to change the channel
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[Coping with Loneliness and Cracks in Control]
Ah, it’s happening again. This irritating habit of leaving the body alone But there’s no one here either. It’s youyouyou no matter how much you call. (so cavernous it echoes) so stop doing it Your mind has been cracked open over and over again with every repair the damage worsens how long? “Tuvok, how do you do it?” desperately. The Vulcan mind is a fascinating thing. Mysterious. Resilient. Much like the Vulcan people - it can survive much worse than this. “Give me all you’ve got!” because I’m empty empty empty desperately. Meditate. Sort it out. Hm? Isn’t this too much for less than half a person? I can’t live like this. What other choice do you have? [A Mind Meld - Desperately]
#Tuvok#my writing#bea art tag#-guy who's about to say some wild bullshit-.........so hear me out#Vulcans are born with bonds. They're bonded with their parents who in turn have their own bonds and it reaches back as long as Vulcans have#existed - they're a culture of bonds and telepathy who derive affection and comfort and peace THROUGH this bonds#(evidenced by the 'flame' of pon farr being 'put out' through bonding with another Vulcan)#I'm sure a great amount of control and satisfaction is derived through them. Also as I've stated before Tuvok & T'Pel consider themselves as#part of one another in a more extreme way than human romantic partners (two bodies one mind)#so when Tuvok is thrown into the delta quadrant he loses all of these bonds ('They are a part of me and I feel incomplete without them') <-#to me 'incomplete' here isn't an emotion like a human would experience it but like...literally if someone took half your brain and shot four#holes in what was left of it. If you've operated 60 something years thinking in tandem with another person then losing them would be losing#a great deal of yourself. And it's not like Tuvok has other bonds to fall on like he might on Vulcan if this occured - he's got NO ONE#he has humans and other aliens surrounding him but they aren't Vulcan and he doesn't bond with any of them telepathically but you know what#he does do?? like a notable amount?? mind melds#and also have his brain invaded by forces he didn't consent to#this combination makes me think about Tuvok who is so desperately lonely and also afraid - the first Vulcan without bonds - making it all up#as he goes along bc he has to (everyone has to) and bc he has no one he can confide in that would understand or really be able to help him#in tandem afraid of his mind being out of his control and wanting himself to feel whole again even if only momentarily - even he's#attatching himself to someone who will only worsen his mental strain (bc he has no excuse to mind meld with someone who's healthy - though#it would be beneficial to him as we see that's a treatment to trauma canonically)#Tuvok (suffering from tremendous alien forms of trauma that he keeps exposing himself to voluntarily in a move that is all at once#self-soothing and self harm): I do not require assistance. I am Vulcan.#If the writer's aren't going to explore Tuvok's inner world then listen. LISTEN. /I AM!!!!!!/#I'M GONNA DO IT EVEN IF IT MAKES ME LOOK STUPID#I hope any of this made sense#st voyager#st voyager art#Tuvok art#comix
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Okay a bit of a personal rant, but it is so immensely frustrating to have so many clear medical issues whether they overlap from the same cause or not and be unable to understand WHY they’re happening and how to stop them while also having no one at all taking you seriously
Like I don’t think it’s normal for me to periodically like every two weeks or so have migraines so horrific radiating pain from the center of my forehead and the nape of my neck so badly that I can’t sleep and feel like moving will cause me to vomit from how painful it is, making me so nauseous it feels hard to breathe too
I am 18, I shouldn’t be having joints that stiffen when I stop moving for 5 minutes and that click when I move, nor should my knees just y’know super easily slip out of place when I’m just trying to walk normally and not fix themselves for a while, forcing me to feel that main and discomfort as I walk. For gods sake, I have gone to the ER for Sciatica, and after consulting an orthopedic doctor, I learned the reason they gave me in the ER for why it was so bad I couldn’t walk was BS so now I have no idea what the cause is
And that’s not mentioning the weirdness in my legs and left arm where sometimes, they’ll ache so badly so painful while radiating heat and making it feel as if my skin is too small and it’s horrible and it’s throbbing pain and it comes and goes with no reason because it’s never sparked by injuries either, it just happens and I’m stuck with dealing with it
And my fucking gut health, like I don’t eat the best and my mom too has a “sensitive stomach” but when I eat things that are fine, my body still has these horrible reactions sometimes and all it does is leave me with no energy, just laying in bed all day feel horrific and in turn, making my leg issues worse?? Because I can’t stand up for more than an hour, I can barely sit down for an hour, and I can barely lay down for long without my legs getting all messed up and I’ve done physical therapy but schedule conflicts and money have put a stop to that
I’m just so tired, I’m so tired p, I want the pain to stop
All they’ve told me about my leg issues is that “Ha you have hyper mobility” and I definitely do, but I dunno I don’t think all my leg issues are solely “a minor case of hyper mobility” especially when my physical therapist in the past was able to move around my vertebrae with her hands very easily when she tested it
Aorry if this is incoherent and sorry for rambling about personal pain stuff, I’m just a bit out of it from how painful this migraine is, my eyes hurt and I can’t sleep this sucks
#i have no energy#im always in pain somehow or in some way#nothing changes#things barely get better#no one takes my pain seriously#my mom thinks i just want to act like a patient sometimes#i just want a solution#i just want the pain to go away and to feel healthy and normal for once#i want to figure out what i have#but i have no idea where to start other than hyper mobility#i dont know how else to check my symptoms whether theyre all related or different#all this pain doesnt help with all the me tal health issues i have too#anxiety disorder depression recurring autism adhd#its like i have barely any energy to begin with and i can barely direct it#and then boom bam wap the little energy i had is gone bc mom used too much oil for the chicken#any medical advice#i know it wont be professional#but like personal experiences would help if anyone has them#im so tired#chronic pain#medical advice
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hi update things are fucking terrible and my eyes hurt from sobbing. lol
#purrs#delete later#not to liveblog and be tmi or whatever but i feel terribly alone and terribly miserable so this is in fact a cry for help lol. or really#comfort bc im fucking going insane. so for context last spring when i was still an intern another intern orchestrated this back channel#where everyone was supposed to talk shit about our supervisors (my dearest most belovedest mentors) and all of us hid it for months and it#all came to a head at asb 2022 because there was a lot of drama witb the asb student facilitators and our staff team. and it was sooooo ugl#and messy and horrible and probably played a direct role in one of my dearest beloved est mentors (who was the point person for asb) fuckin#getting a new job and abandoning us in july lol 😃😃😃😃😃😃😃 and so i became a full time staff member and me and my remaining dearest belovedest#colleague besties fucking carried the world on oh r shoulders and put on amazing programs as just 3 of us in the core staff and we thought#we were doing a really good job with the asb 2023 leaders and that there were no drama dynamics or whatever and guess fucking what. tonight#we found out that half of them hate us for reasons we still don’t know and all of them are at each others throats and also some of the#participants feel a type of way about us. and i know i am being a fragile sensitive crybaby over it but i have had terrible cramps all day#and have barely slept since ive been here and feel like ive been bending over backwards to support the leaders only to find out that half o#them think we’re evil and i just… i couldn’t take it. so i cried and now im beating myself up for crying. but it’s like come ON. i know we#did a pretty imperfect job of preparing them for this. and i should just take responsibility for that and not be defensive. but it’s like…#have NEVER seen this program in person before or been part of the planning of it. i was just a student last year like all of you. and also#HOW many fucking times did we create space for you to talk to us and invite us in. and still this shit happened. and i just feel like a#failure. and i couldn’t react to that information in any way except cry liek it’s all so over my head and out of my depth and im not as#emotionally mature as my colleagues bc im the youngest and this is my first time dealing with this and i feel so incompetent and like i#failed. failed the first time by not speaking up when i was implicated in the stupid fucking Google form back channel situation last year#and now failed the second time by not being able to prevent this stupid drama bullshit from happening again and for not catching it. and jf#like… im in excruciating physical pain and haven’t slept and haven’t eaten well and my life is falling apart and we were ABANDONED BY THE#PERSON WHO WAS RESPONDIBLE FOR THIS (i know we weren’t abandoned she literally just got a new job i just have psychological issues) and#we’ve been running at a million miles per hour with absolutely no break and now you’re mad at us and not even telling us and it’s impacting#everyone’s experiences but you want to pretend this is fucking high school and keep secrets. i am TIRED of drama. i am TIRED of this stupid#bullshit. and not to say this bc i don’t know if asb 2022 drama factored into her decision to leave but if it did i get why * left now. i#get it. bc this shit makes me want to jump out the hotel window. i do not want to face any of them tomorrow and deal with more bullshit. i#am emotionally unstable and incompetent and not equipped to deal with this in a mature healthy way. i want this to be over NOW. im done.#ok i think that’s it um. sorry about that i just needed other people to know i am suffering and i will suppress the shame i feel about that#just this once. esp bc i denied myself the opportunity for my colleague besties to comfort me while i was crying and i regret it now lol
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uninstalled all the dating apps which ws like 8nof them . in the morning ill tell the guys i was talking to that i overestimared how ready i was and hopefully theyll understand andnjust drop it
#i dont feel stable enough for like . any relationship platonic or romantic andnit fucking..rly sucks bc i want to have friends but like#with what happened with daj the other day im like. i dont think i can be like . idk. ik daj said it was ok and she understood but im so#upset that i lashed iut abt that and i keep trying to get into therapy but i fucking..cant find one. at all#im trying to be more reasonable witj mymoney and i know like. i need therapy bc i Need to work this out and i am not able to work it out#with myself. i need to see a professional abt this . so ik it wouldnt be frivolous to spend money on a therapist if i cant find one in#network. bc the in network thrapists dont accept/dont specialize in working with patients with bpd which i like. thats..my issue. im almost#posiitive. ive done a lot of research and it matches up with like . all of my experiences#ik everybody feels unstable after a breakup buti genuinely like. i dont feel whole. and im looking back on how i treated myself and thiught#abt the relationship and its like. i stopped talking to all my friends i stopped talking to my family i literally dropped out of school i#moved across the country i dropped any interest that we didnt share i literally like. i gave up fucking everything and thats not. healthy.#and he never aksed me for that and its not fair of me to resent him for me doing that bc he nevrr asked me to#but i feel like. everytime i think abt him it feels like im being torn in half like . i put him on so incredibly high of a pedestal i#literally thought of him as perfect that was..recurring. and when i was upset with him i took it out on myself horrifically and thats not#normal . and jow thinking abt him literally physucally hurts bc theres still that part of me that thinks hes perfect and that im a mistake#and a failure and i didnt Be connor right. and then theres a part of me that . doesnt think of him that way#and its just like. aughhf. even outside that relationship im looking back on past friendships and how like..obsessive i get with them#and then when they 'betray' me i just. immediately turn on them and like. thats not normal..#and my sense of identity is um. Well you guys have seen. you know.#ive looked into it a lot and i rly think i have it and im not like. 100% positive but i feel like even if i dont itd be good to work with a#therapist who Has experience with that. since the experience is so similar. yk. idk#i just feel insane and i feel like bod would make like. so much of my life and the way i act and the way i react to things like..it makes#sense when i look at it as if i have bpd. and if i dont it literally seems completely irrational and erratic like. IDK. so basically i need#a therapist who can work with that but none of the ones in network specialize in that and then i was researching and found out a lot of#therapists specifically Dont work with bpd patients and like. judge their peers who do for woriing with bod#which is 1. Actually disgusting 2. Straight up stupid 3. Terrifying. so i only want to work with a therapist whi explicitely says I#specialize and work with patients with bpd 👍 but i literally could only find 1 and theyre out of network and its 15p for visit and id#prefer to do weekly visits if possible but thats . 300 per paycheck for therapy . biweekly itd be better but thats still 150. and i have to#save up for the trip home and then the new apartment immediately after#and i have to get credit card .#and in an ideal world id hold off on the therapist until i get my new apartment so that i can fully focus on coping with myself and learnin
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#with where I'm at in life rn I've been thinking about my ex a lot and his happiness and quality of life#I'm probably way off to assume that hes unhappy but if I'm comparing where I'm at and where I've last heard he's at..I feel sorry for him#I feel like i got lucky after we broke up bc I started therapy and school and my museum and life#like I was able to learn and unlearn and grow into the person i am now and learn to be my own self w out a partner or family and be content#and then i think about how he had a kid w someone pretty quickly after we broke up and then just got into another serious relationship#like did he process our breakup completely? by the time i had processed it#his new kid was like 2 i think. and thats ok bc that relationship was a huge part of my life and influenced me a lot today#so to think that it took me that long and he was already in another deeeeeep situation makes me wonder if hes happy#I think i'd be miserable. knowing what I know now just on life experience and therapy and school especially#I would never want to be in his shoes. but maybe hes happy living like that#like one of those he doesnt know what hes missing bc he doesnt know what education and therapy and freedom looks like situations#I think bc im v grateful w where im at in life rn I'm wondering if it all worked out for him as well#or honestly if hes just stuck in the same pattern of life he was in when we were together#having two kids out of wedlock#being in a relationship w someone bc they got pregnant#is the relationship healthy? is his son happy?#god i wonder about his son a lot and how he feels knowing his dad has another kid he lives w full time#i truly feel bad for all kids from broken families bc its not what children need at all.#like is he learning and educating himself on important things or is his life monotonous and lacking intellectual stimulation?#I cant imagine being ignorant like I was when we were together so i really hope its not like that for him#Idk lately I've been wondering if we could have been friends but I doubt his relationship is healthy like that lmao#I feel like i just want to sit down and talk w him and catch up but am i too different now? is he? it'd be like meeting a stranger#and that also makes me sad bc that relationship was so significant to my life and to who i am today#but thats how life is. you're never the same person twice and you only experience things once. so this is just how its meant to be#so i really hope he is happy and he has done internal work and is making the most out of his life and his circumstances#he deserves that and more#j#anyways
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typed a long ass post and deleted it but it basically was saying tumblr is weird bc we kinda treat our disorders like horoscopes and act like they determine things about our personalities.
like sure, they influence parts, but its weird that we create in groups and fomo for disorders like that. but its also kinda just human to do that and i dont blame anyone for looking for solidarity.
i just think posts on here can be harmful when u go down a list of, for example, adhd traits and mark off the ones u have and then feel like an imposter when u dont have every single one. this is all unbeknownst to the op who, quite frankly, could be wrong abt what disorder they have or could just be making shit up. not saying they are, but you dont know this person and you dont know if theyre trustworthy, and then youre using their list to decide if you have enough adhd points to be in the club.
#saturns#idk this is an experience i have frequently when looking at posts about disorders on tungler.hell#its something that used to bring me a little comfort bc i hadnt figured out why i felt so wrong all the time but now it just stresses me out#makes me feel like an imposter or like i tricked my psychologist into diagnosing me when i was younger#but i think its like... not a healthy thing to compare urself to those kinds of posts which invite u to compare urself#bc obviously u are not op and u are not their friends who contributed and whatever you are yoj#your disorder is its own thing different from anyone elses bc its based on your chemistry and life experiences#maybe u learned to cope earlier than you thought. magbe u never learned to cope. either way you are still you#and like..... idk dont boil urself down to ur labels please? maybe im just a little anti labeling#esp considering i just identify as queer now and dont even rlly like calling myself nonbinary (even though i am and recognize that i am)
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