#and that also makes me sad bc that relationship was so significant to my life and to who i am today

[theartinmyheart]

.

[okeydokeylackey]

The Sefferines - introduction

Semi-18th-century-accurate versions of my boys for @rypnami's Pirate AU !!

So, to address the elephant in the room: Yeah, I changed their last name. But I changed it to what the Sapphirius surname used to be, canonically, because that's close to an actual English surname (Sefferin) and idk it just felt more fitting for an AU where magic doesn't exist

Click below for close-ups and my not-at-all-concrete thoughts about both of them ↓

Captain Arcanus

Well-known PRIVATEER (not pirate). Mind you, basically the only thing that makes him not a pirate is the fact that he has a Letter of Marque, because bro certainly plays like one

40 years old

Aristocrat sort of. He's an incredibly wealthy merchant but he's also not particularly favored by the upper crust of England because of... well, you know, being a few steps away from a pirate.

Anderson's (I'd wager RELUCTANT) ally

Uses a singular pistol and his very precious cutlass

Very homosexual because it's the pirate AU goddammit he gets to be gay - only less of a flirt than Sebastian bc Can has a whole demographic of people cut out of his dating pool LMFAO

Does not grow body or facial hair, like at all. He got made fun of for this in his youth and called a snake, and now he bears that symbol with pride

"I can bully my crew but if YOU bully my crew then you're dead" - would not hesitate to kill a crew member who betrayed him, though

Ship is named The Ouroboros (desperately praying that's not taken by Sebastian already, I read through everything and couldn't find a name rahh) and she's the only woman he'll ever love

There's a ponytail in the back there it's just not visible from the front or from the angle I decided to draw him at lmfao

Yes I clearly spent more time on his design than I did Cael's leave me alone I like older men

Gets his wife's name wrong whenever asked about her or forced to return to land and see her

Loves his son, and as much as he's lived for the sea, he regrets missing a lot of his boy's teenage/early adulthood years

Def also believes in the supernatural to some significant degree

Caelestus - Navigator

(His color palette is basically the exact same as his normal ref. If I ever make him a ref for this AU, I'll update this post)

21 years old

Is probably one of the least experienced sailors in this entire AU 💀

But very good at maps and navigation!! He's spent a lot of time studying the stars and while he's not much of an artist, he enjoys mapmaking and enjoys writing even more

Joined his father on the Ouroboros at age 20-ish to both get away from his stuffy, lonely, unfulfilling, and sad upper-class life and to bond with the parent he rarely saw

Acquainted/friendly with Ominis Gaunt

Nerd, NERDDDDDD, and this includes in the 🤓 way. Bro's not tryna be rude, he genuinely thinks he's being helpful when he's being semantic and correcting people

Pretty dang good with a sword, surprisingly, having done a lot of fencing lessons on land. He's also really agile and surprisingly strong and gets stronger the more he's on the ship and has to climb up to the crow's nest and help out around the ship

Has this very idealized version of his dad and his life, does not realize how awful of a person he actually is for a while and sees what he does as a privateer as heroic until witnessing its reality

Half-decent with medicine, but that's not his role

Heterosexual (always gotta have the token straight)

Cutlass was a gift from his dad years ago, custom-made

Misses his mother when they're apart but they had a strained relationship his whole life, it's complicated

Speaks an absurd amount of languages... but not... super well

[kojandra]

✨dramas i watched in 2024 and my ratings for them✨

May contain spoilers <3

1. A Shop for Killers, ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ Oh this has set the bar for 2024 already....where is next season!!! Had me hooked I didn't even realize it was a series and not a movie. Only complaint is that it needs to be longer!

2. Doctor Slump ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ Watched it for the mains but fell in love with the characters. Burnout talk is necessary and I loved seeing Ha Neul's mom/family grow...as a family. The acceptance of Jeong Woo and his story was so so heartwarming and heartbreaking. I would have ate this up three years ago, but I feel like I've seen this before.

3. Flex x Cop ⭐️⭐️⭐️ Nice story that kept me engaged though a bit cheesy! A fun watch but I feel like it will not my best "fun" watch this year.

4. Queen of Tears ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ all the rom com tropes and soo hyun x ji won .....need I say more?

5. Military Prosecutor Doberman ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ Decided to try another one of Ahn Bo Hyun's drama after Flex x Cop was not a hit. This was MUCH better. I learned a lot about military corruption....but something isn't hitting.

5. The Whirlwind ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️.5 Okay, political dramas are Kim Hee Ae's THING bc this was so good. Only thing I hated was that her character was a bit weak in such crucial times....opposite of what she preached and not very girl boss of her smh.

6. Connection ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ Watched it for Mi Do but oh my godddd????? A story about friendship in sick and twisted way that I can't help but love. Beginning to end...pacing was amazing, casting amazing, binged it so hard....wish I could watch it for the first time again.

7. The Frog ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ (ngl i watched this for chanyeol). Did I just watch a masterclass in acting or what!? Must watch. But I am also in a thriller/murder mystery vibe this year I guess.

8. Collectors (Movie, 2020) ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️.5 no 'cause why did I like that??? A story about a corporate chairman that likes dynasty relics and a group of grave diggers that are hired to find a very specific relic. That's all I'll say. But c'mon....

9. Good Partner ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ The last divorce law drama I watched was Divorce Attorney Shin, I believe (highly rec that one if you like law dramas!). Attorney Shin focused a lot on the main character's personal vengeance and this one focuses on the job itself. Justice for

10. Sweet & Sour (Movie, 2021) ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ Girl, just watch it. Quick synopsis: how a couple navigates a long term relationship. I thought this was gonna be fun and not that deep but oh myyyyy I was seated. Watch until the end!!!

11. Love Next Door ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ Oh they're so cute. They're so cute! The last time I saw Hae-In was in D.P. and this was so refreshing. Neighbourhood friends....fall in love? Sign me up!!! Took off a star because the characters got on my nerves after a while. Seung-ho loser era was not cool!!

12. Miss Night and Day ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️.5 Watched for Lee Jung Eun and Choi Jin Hyuk but got hooked! Fantasy drama about a 28 year old that cannot seem to pass the civil exam and find a job. She got possessed by her dead Aunt though. That's when the fun starts ;) Annoying last two episodes though....

13. Work Later, Drink Now ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ If you liked Hello, My Twenties! you will LOVE this. Loved this trio. Watch it! (Slice of life-esque).

14. Work Later, Drink Now 2 ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ Something different but the same magic as the first series. Love the introduction of new characters and their significance in the girls' lives. Important character development too. Fight and then make up! That's life.

15. Mr. Plankton ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ Took off a star not because it was bad, but because it was so SAD. Must watch for this pairing and this chemistry. It's currently January 9th...as I'm looking through this list.....I got reminded again how sad this drama was. NEVER again.

16. Virtuous Business ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ This was a fun! one! I loved seeing the friend group develop. The need for a thriller sub plot in all dramas is killing me though ahhaha

17. Marry My Husband ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ binged this and honestly wTF just happened? That was so good LOL. All the characters the viewer is supposed to hate is just soooo hateable. Good on MC! For living her life!

18. The Judge from Hell - y'all I dropped it. It got repetitive :( But it was so good at the start. Not my cup of tea, I guess.

18. When the Phone Rings ⭐️⭐️⭐️ Honestly this was about to be a five star in December. I waited until the last episode aired to finish this list. Chemistry was off the charts, story was so wattpad but I ate it up, pacing was soooo good.....but..........all of a sudden there were two episodes that had their own crazy story line at the end. Using an ongoing genocide for plot rubs me the wrong way, I cannot get over that.

Dramas from this list I'll rewatch in the future: A shop for killers, queen of tears, miss night and day, work later drink now

[misc-obeyme]

RAHHHH AKWKWJDJF I DID IT, I FINALLY BEAT OG !!!! WITH LESS THAN AN HOUR TO SPARE BEFORE NEW LESSONS

except hard lessons

PRACTICALLY A YEAR AND HALF OF CONSISTENTLY PLAYING (AND LIKE FOUR YEARS SINCE I FIRST DOWNLOADED THE GAME), IT'S DONE !!!! IT'S OVER !!!!

and i feel strangely bittersweet. man, not to get sappy but like. i never would've expected to be where i am now. I've made so many cool friends ?! I'm back into drawing and I started writing ?! I'VE GOTTEN OVER MY FEAR OF COMMISSIONING PEOPLE, AND HERE'S ONE I LITERALLY GOT TODAY !! (FROM VINYXZZZ ON TWITTER)

like as crazy as life feels, obey me has been a constant the past while and has a chokehold on me, and my favorites have tumbled around on the list. But Mammon has been there since day one. I will be old and gray and his photo will be faded in my wallet. but maybe I won't have a wallet anymore so it'll be in a picture frame instead.

RAHH I'M GETTING EMOTIONAL OKAY I'M SO EXCITED FOR NEW LESSONS TONIGHT

minor spoilers ahead for lesson 80??

also the fact that only solomon remembered Mammon's name like 🤨 why's that mister sorcerer man? because you're in lo- *gets dragged offstage*

also the last chat with all of them, and asmo says "more like significant other" in response to solomon asking if mc is okay, and mammon freaks out "DON'T SAY THAT". thinking about this in my mc's story, and instead I'm like

"mammon the three of us are literally in a poly relationship"

"...the great mammon was just testin' ya! Don't want the two of you forgetting you're both mine just because you're both in the human world!"

DAAWW WAIR WHAT IF GETS SAD AND JEALOUS THAT MC AND SOLOMON STAY TOGETHER IN THE HUMAN WORLD 😭 ANGST!! OR IG HURT COMFORT BC THEY'D TOTALLY REASSURE HIM ONCE HE ADMITS IT!! actually they summon him every night so they can all go to bed together <3

SORRY IT GOT LONG OKAY I'M DONE WHEEE BYEEE

- ✨ anon (only bc I'm attached to my sign off ngl aksjd)

WOOO I'm glad you were able to finish OG!!!

Listen, when I think too much about all that Obey Me has brought into my life, it's like a weird thing that my brain cannot understand. Like I remember first downloading it and being like hm okay we'll see about this demon game, seems kinda ridiculous.

And like YES it is, but it also caused this blog to happen! And I'm a sad lonely person who made a ton of amazing online friends because of this game and I have so many lovely anons talking to me and people reading my writing and !?!?!?

It seems crazy sometimes to think all that came from this silly game! So I totally get you. I'm so glad that the game helped you make friends and start to draw and write again!! I think it's so great to have that thing that inspires us, no matter what it is!! And I love how we can all just talk about this game and connect with each other, no matter who we are. IT'S SPECIAL 😭

AH that commission is SO CUTE.

LOL I love when parts of the story feed our own headcanons and story ideas laksdjf.

I love the idea that Solomon and MC just summon Mammon to the human world every night, what a bunch of cuties!

How would your MC and Solomon deal with this when it comes to the NB storyline? I mean, do they just keep the secret from past!Mammon? Does he end up getting really attached to them without really understand why? I think it'd be hard for MC to have one partner who knows everything and the other one who has no idea...

[polysucks]

As a cis woman (stay with me) with a significant portion of my friendships and interpersonal relationships being with people who are on the gender spectrum in a variety of ways

(Other than my ride or die who I don’t even consider my friend bc I’m a symbiote that lives on her shoulder and she lets me borrow a brain cell sometimes, I have one cis friend. And I’m 90% positive his egg is gonna crack the moment he gets an Adderall prescription and he is well aware that this is high likelihood)

I find myself defending my choice of words wayyyyyy more often with new friends or clients than my enby but extremely cis-masculine-presenting partner-husband-thing who more often than not defaults to he/him in conversations.

If you know me AT ALL. I have gotten into the habit of calling everyone “girl.” Or when I say babygirl, or girlypop, or when I call someone dude, guy, fella, or brother. I even started saying yessir! Or Yessmaam! Ironically. And I completely forget that those are seen as inherently gendered terms.

This is hard for me to explain without sounding like a pink-pussy-hat t3řflord or a colorblind-racism-downplayer when I say I literally do not see gender.

“Girlypop” is a vibe. “Ma’am” is a vibe. “Sir” is a vibe. “Bitch” is a vibe.

I mean obviously, if I refer to you in a term that makes you uncomfortable in any way, I expect you to say something. I’d rather be embarrassed by you informing me than be sad because I hurt your feelings and you decided to cut me out.

I feel like as a cis woman who presents as severely white passing and in a straight passing relationship I need to remind people that when I say “god honoring” “as god intended” or whatever I’m being completely ironic and overly dramatic. I have never been to a church in my life. Well, a real church, anyway.

Yeah I live inside my own head and my own little safe space of faggots and heathens and shitlords that I have curated specifically because I too am a faggot and a heathen and a shitlord. And I’m seeing a lot of new faces around here.

So yeah, anywayyyyyyy.

We use the F slur around here. We are poppin our pussies for Jesus. black trans lives matter :3 we’re also unlearning shame, being horny AND pseudo intellectual on main, we’re unironically saying owo and ;-; in 4k in the public chat, and we have dicks out for harambe.

Thank you for coming to my ted talk.

[runfast-runfar]

October Things 👻🎃

✨ things have been so good in a way and so bad all seemingly at the same time. And it’s kinda exhausting. But it’s better than it being all bad so 🤷🏻‍♀️

✨ my mornings have consisted of running and getting to say hi to the duckie besties 4 mornings a week! And it’s my favorite way to start the days :)

✨ I got a new job, I’ve been there two weeks now, and while being out of unemployment is really financially relieving, the job is pretty lonely. I’m one of two, three people (me included) in the office at most. But most days I’m there by myself. In many ways I like that, but I know I won’t make any friends there, and life is lonely having one friend when they are much busier than you. So that’s just a bit hard.

But the job is hybrid, so I work from home Monday and Fridays, and they are really flexible with the schedule each day so I pretty much go home from the office every day at ~3:45/4pm and then just am online until 5pm from home. And the office is an eight minute bike ride from my place, so it’s convienent.

But it’s lower paying than my last job by a pretty significant amount, and I have a ton of downtime and it just gets boring. But I’ll stick it out for a few months and maybe things will pick up?! We’ll see.

✨ my new jobs insurance provided covers my therapy almost entirely so that has been a huge relief! I’m seeing Kate twice a week now which has been so helpful.

✨ I also talked through some stuff with my friend which was another point of huge relief! I also shared with her how anxiety inducing these have felt and she honestly didn’t know and it just feels nice to be seen in that. Even if she can’t change it for me, just feeling a bit more understood is really quite meaningful and feels nice.

I also have had a harder time sharing things outside of therapy, and Kate mentioned that sometimes the longer we’re friends with people and the more vulnerable we get with them it can actually cause people to reverse and share less. This can happen bc as we share over time peoples humanness shows up. Basically it’s like there’s a wider variety of responses and you will come up against someone responding in an unhelpful or hurtful way at times bc everyone has off days. Everyone has flaws that come about the longer you know people. It’s normal and a part of relationships with others. But it can still be hard to navigate at times.

✨ I am dealing with some family stuff too and decided to go no contact with someone and that’s been really really hard. Even though I know it’s the right decision, it’s still made me so sad. And it’s been isolating to say the least. But we’re just trying to get through it, one day at a time.

✨ well, I hope you’re all well ♥️

[canonicallyanxious]

I have so many thoughts and also questions about the Alan/Wen relationship so I'm just gonna dump it all here in typical incoherent bullet point style:

First of all I just want to say why do I know these gay people who still live with their ex in real life except they're lesbians agsjdhdjdj mlm/wlw solidarity but in being Messy Bitches I fuckin guess

I'm incredibly interested as to why they haven't told people why they're not together anymore, and also why they have to pretend in front of other people that they're together. I mean it seems pretty significant if even Wen's father who he has a very close relationship to doesn't know the full details of their relationship status, i would think if you had a close relationship with your family they'd be among the first to know about a break up. Gong might know they've split up (I think how nonchalant he was about Wen having a one night stand supports this) but still unclear at this point, maybe he just knows they're having some sort of big conflict or are on a break or something. Maybe there's a social dimension to it? I don't feel i know enough of Thai culture and social conventions to make a confident guess here skdjfskjdf but i would be surprised if there wasn't some sort of reason other than "it's too awkward we don't wanna" - and if there is a reason i'm guessing this is why Wen hasn't been forthcoming about the details of his personal life with Jim, though i really can't guess at this point what that reason might be

so my very first reading of the "i don't love you anymore" "that's a shitty excuse" scene when the trailer dropped was that Wen was maybe trying to break up with Alan but Alan for whatever reason wasn't letting him and you know what i still stand by that or at least like the general sentiment of that. i think it could go either way whether that scene is a flashback (to give context to why they're in such a bad situation now) or present day (to push the development of Wen and Alan's relationship forward); personally i lean toward flashback bc of Wen's emotional state in that scene, he seems much more sad and upset than angry and bitter like he does now with Alan, but i guess we'll find out next week!

I don't have anything resembling an intelligent guess as to what Gong was referring to when he said "you should have asked him if he wanted you to do it" or whatever the phrasing was but I'm guessing whatever happened there is at least a part of the reason why their relationship failed and maybe even a part of the reason why Wen is so cold to Alan now. idk it feels potentially quite big to me, like sure it could have been one isolated incident but based on what we've seen of Alan's character (my guy has some control issues #yikes) it strikes me as possibly being more of a pattern rather than one fuck up though at this point who can really say

Speaking of Gong, I find his friendship with Alan interesting. He claims he doesn't want to take sides or get caught up in the middle of their fight, but I think there are pretty clear signs of whose "side" he's taken: for example in the first episode he doesn't open the message when Alan asks where Wen is so that Alan doesn't know he's seen it and even goes so far as to check with Wen first what he should tell Alan (this does not read as particularly neutral behavior to me, personally); when Alan pointed out they're both friends too and if he really was staying neutral he'd tell Alan what was going on too his response was that Wen was talking with someone and that was all he knew even though he knows they had a one night stand, almost like he went with the bare minimum to get Alan off his back; and his comment at the end of his conversation with Alan of "maybe you should do nothing" felt very pointed esp with accompanying expression. What I'm curious about is why Gong still feels the need to keep up any sort of friendly pretense with Alan. Maybe it's a situation where he knows more than he's supposed to (like if Wen confided in Gong but no one is supposed to know they've broken up for whatever reason)? Or maybe there's some other social dimension to it, idk

[idealisticrealism]

TCL 2x12 recap

Yo look who’s back, literally like 6 months after the finale lol. So annoying when Real Life gets in the way of fangirling, but I’ve finally managed to get my priorities straight, so here it is.

For anyone who actually remembers anything about the finale, enjoy lol

Ah what very fortunate timing that Garrett just happens to be coming to see Luca at the hospital (with a teddy bear! Awww. He may be 80% asshole but he's 20% heart lol) riiight as Thony and Fi are led out in handcuffs. But ugh I do love Garrett and Thony's relationship and the fact that despite the way they often antagonise each other, they do always help each other out when they can. But lol at his long-suffering “What the hell did you do, Thony?” because lbr this is just another in a long line of ‘Thony Pulling Shit He Then Has To Fix’ kind of situations haha. And ugh he even tries to help Fiona too, because after learning the truth about Chris and spending a bit of time with them I don’t think he can dismiss them as easily as he used to be able to (because he's finally started to see them as people, instead of just law-breakers– the growth sure is sloooow with this boy, but it's there). But ughhhhhhhh Fiona’s pleading as they load her into the car?? Just crush my heart why don’t you??? (like seriously Martha Millan is a freakin’ powerhouse and we are so lucky to have her). And seeing Thony’s panic, though??? She’s definitely having yet another one of those ‘well shit if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions’ moments lol. She’s been through a few of those in the show– a significant number of which were literally within the last 24hrs lol– and lbr this probably isn’t going to be the last either. Oh Thony. Everything always has to catch up to you eventually….

Oh thank god RK backed out of drowning Nadia. He looks all bewildered and contrite now, like he doesn’t understand how that just happened…. Tbh this dude is legit unhinged, but I mean that’s not exactly breaking news considering some of the shit we’ve seen him do this season lol.  But ugh poor Nadia running for her life through the penthouse and begging Joseph to let her go, but still being trapped– talk about a gilded cage ughhh 

Ngl I got distracted for like 15 mins finding the filming location of the 'hospital', narrowing it down using the fast food signs that you can only just see in the background of one shot haha. But success, now there's another location added to the list. But anyhow ugh it makes me sad seeing Thony holding onto the teddy bear :(  She's still deep in her 'I fucked up' mode, and tbh though it hurts me to see her hurting, it's also kind of satisfying?? Bc she really has just been running around this whole time thinking she knows best– and to be fair, a lot of the time she does, like with trying to stop the ridiculous poisoning attempt– but that just means she fools herself into thinking she’s right all the time, and not listening to others or reaching out for help when she actually should. It's definitely a well-established character flaw, but it has been cool seeing her slowly starting to rely on and trust others more (even if she falls back into bad habits repeatedly lol). But at least she looks contrite here for not telling Garrett about going to Manila to bring drugs back for RK–  and tbh I'm on Garrett’s side here because if she’d told him, they could have busted RK for it, and this all could have been over.  But she was too focused on protecting Luca's medicine to think about the consequences. I mean I can't blame her for not reporting the Fentanyl, because she only found out about that like a few hours ago and she was a little too busy running for her life and then saving Luca to be thinking about calling Garrett to snitch lol.  But ughhhh Garrett’s offer that if they get the drugs and she testifies, she can get new, legal identities for her family– god, it’s everything she’s wanted. Like ok yes, testifying will absolutely mean risking her life; but to protect her family? To have a chance at a normal life without fear? To allow Luca to grow up with every advantage that he is currently denied? She'd do it.  (Though argh Garrett you don't have the best track record of keeping your CIs safe from RK! Maybe he's so determined bc needs this as like a do-over,  to get it right this time)

Ooooooohhhh Thony having to explain to Chris and Jazz and JD about how she got Fi arrested and that she's been working with the FBI. Chris is understandably more forgiving because of everything she did to protect him when Marco died, but Jazz is justifiably upset (She's like 13 and her mom might be about to be deported, of course she’s not taking it well) and ooohhh JD is pissed. I kind of love that he doesn't hold back the truth bombs from Thony–  in particular, that her blind mission to save Luca at any cost is tearing the rest of her family apart. Again, it hurts to see her copping it from all sides, but at the same time she needs it. I adore Thony but she needs to remember she's not alone anymore and that it's okay to trust others rather than try to do everything herself- especially when trying to do it herself and failing can cause a lot of pain for others 

Speaking of trusting others, I am very much here for the little mobster/FBI alliance happening rn with the two opposing power couples (Russo and Garrett, Thony and Arman) teaming up.  Ah, remember the early days when Arman was like the FBI's biggest baddest target? Now they're practically coworkers lol, like he even practically admits to the attempted murder of RK and the feebs are just like 'well that was dumb but whatevs' lol. And I just love this little meeting bc as ever, their priorities are all different– Thony wants to save her family (and absolve her own guilt). Arman wants to protect the two women he loves, including saving Thony from herself. Garrett wants to take RK down for Maya. Russo just wants Kamdar behind bars so she can finally be done with this shit haha. They may all have the same end goal (getting RK the hell out of the picture) but man they are not at all on the same page lol. I also love that literally the moment the feds leave, Thony is immediately back on her bullshit, ready to run straight back into the minefield that is RK’s immediate vicinity, so completely sure that she can manipulate him into giving her the info she wants and then let her walk away unharmed. Aaaand well I guess we can agree she did NOT learn her lesson earlier haha. Oh Thony, you're going to regret this, and lbr as always it's not going to be you paying the ultimate price for your actions. Of course Arman is all like *deep sigh* at this haha. You know that meme with the two kinda cartoony stick figures and one of them is holding the other's leash while the leashed one is on all fours going absolutely feral?? Somehow these two seem to take turns as to whether they're the one holding the leash or the one needing to be restrained lol. To prove my point, Arman is now trying to keep her from going ahead with her terrible idea by offering a terrible idea of his own–  killing Kamdar. Tbh I’m in love with the continued theme of these two of both wanting pretty much the same thing: to protect each other (and their families), yet trying to go about it in completely different and often conflicting ways. And ugh even though Thony's a Buddhist and hates the idea of killing RK (especially when there has already been more than enough killing/death in their lives lately), her biggest objection to the plan is that it could mean losing both Arman and Fiona (via jail and deportation, respectively). Whereas Arman sees it as the only way to definitively ensure that his loved ones are safe. He doesn't intend to be caught and jailed for it, of course, but if it happened, he'd be able to live with that, knowing that they'll be free from RK. (TRUE LOVE,  Y'ALL). And speaking of true love, I'm obsessed with the fact that literally as soon as the feds leave, Armony go from standing several yards apart to having practically zero personal space between them as they argue. Oh you two, please never change lol. And ughhhh the way they look at each other as he says "Do you really trust the FBI to protect you?" bc it carries such an undercurrent of I'm the one that you're supposed to trust. I'm the one who's  supposed to protect you. And ugh his "You don't understand, Thony. As long as Kamdar's breathing, none of us are safe" before he turns and walks away–  he's telling her that he's already made his choice, that keeping them (her) alive is worth any other cost. And hmmmm who does that remind me of? Perhaps a certain mother of a sick son, who is willing to do absolutely anything to keep him safe??? Ngl I love that she's being forced to realise what it's like to be on the other side of the equation… and now the question (as ever) is will she actually learn anything from it haha

Nope nope no seeing Fi in jail is awful. I appreciate that Thony immediately acknowledges that JD is right, and that Fi being in there is completely her fault. Though I do respect that Fi refused to blame her and was like 'we did it for Luca'-- because she loves him too, she'd do anything for him, and now she needs Thony to do the same for her kids.  And heck yeah that she calls Thony out on believing that she can manipulate BOTH Kamdar and the FBI, and that by trying she's likely going to get herself killed. Seriously there’s already so many voices in this ep that are trying to show her reason, but Thony is too far gone down the rabbit hole–  she can't see any way out except forward, so she's plowing ahead despite the warning signs. And despite that it's hard to watch, I love it, because it's so true to her character, and also so true of someone who is cornered in a situation and is completely panicking. Also yeah clearly the lessons of the past 24hrs remain unlearned lol

Ok I love that as soon as the feds get eyes on RK's apartment, Garrett immediately asks if Nadia's okay. Partly because he would hate the thought of another innocent woman being completely at RK's mercy, but also because he knows how important Nadia is to Arman and he doesn't want to see him lose someone he loves. Ngl I love that they're starting to develop a bit of a respect and understanding of one another… (aaaand now I’m gonna ignore the Russo/Garrett flirting in the rest of the scene bc ewww lol)

Okay okay okay I might be about to go on a bit of a spiral here BUT. Hear me out. This whole scene with Jazz being upset that JD didn’t marry Fi, and JD explaining to Chris about the requirements of getting a green card through marriage?? What is the point??? Like honestly what is its narrative purpose in the show– what made the writers decide to include it? Bc like okay it could be just to show how deportation rips families apart, and that the path to becoming a legal citizen is extremely challenging even in very worthy/legit cases. BUT I DON'T THINK SO. As JD explains, he and Fi no longer meet the criteria because she's been arrested, plus she's just been there illegally for far too long. But you know what pair WOULD meet the criteria??? A widow who is only a few months over her visa– which she overstayed due to EXTREME HARDSHIP (the exact reason that JD says can qualify someone for a waiver)-- and a never-actually-married American citizen, THAT'S WHO. Like ok maybe I’m way off base here but I seriously think that the entire purpose of this scene was to a) lay the foundation for us as viewers to know the marriage-for-citizenship idea is actually a possibility, and b) give Chris the knowledge that he can then pass on to Thony, planting the idea in her head that if she and Arman were to marry, she and Luca would be safe from deportation…. I mean c’mon there’s got to be something there, right? I'm absolutely convinced that if Thony doesn't already know about Arman's marriage being void (which tbh I don't think she does; she naturally assumes Nadia got divorced from RK) she's going to learn about it next season, and the marriage-for-citizenship plotline will follow shortly after.  And I mean okay I know I've been wrong in my predictions before, but I've also been right at times, and I feel this one in my bones lol. Watching this scene the first time was like being a kettle slowly boiling until by the end I was mentally screeching ARMONYMARRIAGEFORESHADOWING!!! ARMONYMARRIAGEFORESHADOWING!!!ARMONYMARRIAGEFORESHADOWING!!!!!!! lol

Phew. Anyway. Ugh my precious boy Chris offering to leave his home and everything he's known to go with Fi. But of course she refuses with 'everything I did, I did for you' and ughhh don’t talk to me about the parallels between Thony and Fi and the things these amazing mothers would do for their children. "The best thing you can do for me is to live the life I always wanted you to have" ugghhh why do Fi and Chris always insist on making me cryyyy

Oh Thony. Yet again walking straight into the lion's den… tbh for someone so smart she really does so many dumb things haha. But then again she is damn impressive with the way she can go toe to toe with some incredibly dangerous people and not only be fearless, but can talk them into doing what she wants. And now with RK she selectively uses the truth (the "everything I've done, I've done for my son"/"Arman helped me in the past but you're the one that can help me now, and I need this deal more than anybody"/"I didn't steal from you, Arman did"/"with all the corruption in the Philippines, people don't trust easily") to conceal her motivations and evade his questions. She never outright lies, which means he can't catch her telling one and turn on her. It's very clever (as is Nadia's subtle hint regarding RK's plans for the Caymans) but unfortunately, a man like RK doesn't get to where he is without also being very clever– and very paranoid.  

Lol Garrett you really should have put a tail on Thony to prevent her from pulling this kind of shit, but too late now! Guess you also never learn lol. Also hi there Miranda Kwok having a little cameo like she did in 1x01–  the woman sure likes her luxury vehicles haha

Yassss I loooove Garrett calling Arman because he might be the only one with the information to save Thony.  And ugh even the way Arman answers the phone– there was a time when he would have answered with annoyance or disdain, but now he sounds uncertain, like he knows something is wrong. Probably because Thony is usually the one who does the communicating between them, so the fact that Garrett is calling him directly proves that something bad has happened. And ugh the way he springs into action immediately, probably kicking himself because he should have known that Thony would put herself directly in Kamdar's crosshairs rather than let him go ahead with a plan that was almost certainly doomed to end with him spending a lifetime in prison. They're both martyrs for each other– both clinging to the hope they can walk through fire and come out the other side to where the other will be waiting– and ngl I'm SO HERE FOR IT.  Lol at Garrett trying to tell Arman to stay away though; like did he ever for a second really believe that he could tell Arman–  Arman who became a rat for Thony, who went to jail for Thony, who murdered an innocent woman for Thony– that Thony was in danger and that he WOULDN'T immediately go after her???? Like okay to give him credit I'm sure the likelihood occurred to him before he made the call but he knew that whatever information Arman could give him was worth the risk. And ugh when Arman pulls the caddy up beside him he basically immediately hands him a vest (after making an annoyed comment about Arman not listening to him, of course) and then his "Come on. Let's go pretend to be on the same side" and uggghhhh I love themmmmm. But lbr they have been on the same side for quite a while now, which is the "Protect Thony at all costs" team and I’m obsessed with it 

Oh Thony. Thony ‘The risk I took was calculated, but man am I bad at math’ De La Rosa. You've been incredibly lucky til now to be able to find your way out of some of the worst situations, but I think now the alarm bells (or are they funeral bells?) are finally starting to ring in your head. And suddenly you're thinking Arman was right. Fi was right. Garrett and Russo were right. I should have listened. But it’s too late now and uggghhhhhh RK calls her out on lying to him about the drug interaction that nearly killed him and tbh I wish we could hear more of her trying to explain herself (but the camera is focused instead on my new favourite pair of enemies-turned-allies haha). But ugh then we see her make the mistake, not that there's really any way she can avoid it: she lies.  She lies and he knows it. He’d suspected it before, when she was weaving her story purely with carefully targeted truths, but now he knows, and she has to die. (We've seen repeatedly this season how paranoid he is and how much he hates and fears being lied to). I appreciate that he's not without honour, though; he'd be dead without her, so he grants her her family's lives in return. Joseph too seems to have enough honour that he hesitates before pulling the trigger, and that hesitation is what saves her life and costs him his own– which ngl I'm a little sad about, because I liked him and I always hoped he was going to end up choosing to help Armony take out RK. Anyway I love that it's a team effort that saves Thony's life; not only the two men who care about her, but also she herself, when she knocks Joseph's gun away. The writers could have had Garrett or Arman shoot Joseph the moment he lifted his gun, but they didn't; they had her fight for herself first. This whole show they've shown us time and again that Thony is a fighter, and that she’ll never give up. (The only time she ever refused to fight for herself was when Arman was forced to choose between saving her and Maya, but tbh I think she knew from the start what his decision would be, regardless of what she said or did).

But aaaahh anyway there are so many bullets flying and ugh Arman and Garrett are working so well as a team (my boys!) and then it happens.  One little stumble is all it takes, and it hurts that it's Thony who makes the mistake. It was her fault that they were all there in the first place, and now it's her fault that she and Garrett are stuck in the open, exposed and vulnerable and under fire. And he makes the split second decision– if he crouches to pull her up, all the fire will be directed at them both, making her more likely to be hit. So instead he stands over her and fires back, making himself the target, knowing that Arman will swoop in and get her out of there. And it works! Except there’s just ooooone small problem ugh. Honestly, it’s been what, like 6 months since I first watched this? and I still have trouble believing that a) they really killed him off and b) that I’m actually so sad about it?? I know I’ve said it many times before, but: he was a jackass, but he was our jackass. And though he caused plenty of problems of his own, he was there for Thony when it really counted, especially once they got to know each other a bit more.  And ugh having to watch Thony watch him die, and then to go straight from his death scene to watching Thony walking into the hospital, carrying the bear he got for Luca? Like damn why must this show insist on hurting me. (Ngl though I wish we’d gotten to see more of the aftermath of his death– I would have been very down to see Arman pulling Thony into his arms and comforting her while the body was being carted away lol).

Wait is that the same kindly Filipina nurse who spoke to Fi in the waiting room? If she was an ER nurse she would definitely not be up on the wards with an admitted patient. But whatevs, it's irrelevant. The social services lady barely reacted to Thony coming in, so I guess Garrett must have got in touch with them earlier to clear her. Does this mean that– in regards to her at least– all is basically forgiven and she can just take him home when he’s better?? Or does she just have visitation rights?? This show can be very unclear lol. But ugh all is obviously not forgiven for Fi :( seeing her in jail with the kids is rouuughhh. Her line “Sometimes you need to do what you know is right in your heart, even though other people say it’s wrong” has a similar ring to “Not the right way or the wrong way, but any way you can”; it’s a sentiment we’ve heard from pretty much all the main characters (Arman, Thony, Fi, Garrett) in some form or other, and is definitely one of the major underpinnings of the show. God her teary eyes though and the way that JD is so quick to reassure her that he’ll look after the kids and ughhh why does this show insist on making me cry????

And the trauma isn’t over because now Thony is going to meet with Russo at the FBI, finding her in Garrett’s office which is filled with all his clutter and his photos of his kids and his collection of brightly coloured stress balls and novelty pens, and ugh I love the subtle character details here because now I think about it, he was often tossing around a ball or something in his scenes at the office. Tbh as much as it hurts, I love that Russo calls Thony out on her role in Garrett’s death. She basically says he was a slippery bastard that could weasel his way out of anything before Thony came along and dragged him down with her, and lbr it’s not inaccurate?? I mean he did take stupid risks anyway, and the bad guys probably would have caught up to him eventually, but still.  Maybe Russo is especially angry because she still wonders if Garrett did have secret feelings for Thony, and whether Thony might have taken advantage of that, despite her clearly having eyes only for Arman (Russo isn’t blind; she’s seen them together, seen the risks they’ve taken for each other). Or maybe just having someone to blame helps with her own grief. But even as she calls Thony out for everything she’s done (again, deservedly, because Thony has pulled a lot of shit and has mostly managed to avoid the consequences until recently) she agrees to help her and Fi, because that’s what Garrett would have wanted. Just in case anyone forgot that this is a show about love, and about the lengths people will go to for the people they love (even after they’re gone), here’s a little reminder ugh.  But of course nothing can just go smoothly in this show, so the moment Thony starts to record the statement that will help free Fiona, they discover RK has posted bail and is about to jet off to the Caymans…. and now the race is on.

Lol Nadia is pissed about basically being kidnapped to go live a life of luxury in the Caymans, but like… girl, go with him and then smother him in his sleep and take all his money?? It’s the perfect crime haha. Ngl I do find it funny that he’s all like, ‘you tried to kill me, I tried to kill you, now we’re all good’ lol– lbr the man has never been particularly stable. But oh daaaamn the plot twist of the airport ground crew suddenly turning on them and shooting his guards– I had a brief moment of thinking the FBI had gone completely off the rails with this one before the roar of the motorbike engine made it all very suddenly and very sexily clear. And oh how I love to see my boy winning again, kicking the shit out of the man who has spent weeks tormenting him while he pleads on the ground. The gun coming out was a mix between ‘yessss do it’ and ‘noooo you’ll get caught, leave him to the FBI’ but then he turns and offers it to Nadia and I’m??????  Like at first I was like ‘dude wtf why the hell would she want to do that and have his blood on her hands, that's not a gift'', thinking there was no way she’d want to risk any involvement in his murder– but then I got schooled haha, because clearly a) Arman knows her true nature far better than me, and b) she is still REALLY pissed about the almost-drowning thing. And suddenly I’m remembering the story about her as a teenager, holding a corkscrew to a guy’s neck for stealing her tips, and being reminded that Nadia’s vicious streak runs deep. The look of pure satisfaction on her face is hot intense; Arman may do violent things but as far as I remember we’ve never seen him take pleasure in it, whereas Nadia…. I could see this awakening something in her, a greater ruthlessness in her pursuit of power, but I guess we’ll see…......

Omg the FBI chopper touches down literally only moments after Nadia and Arman ride off, and it seems impossible for them not to have been seen and recognised, but apparently not?? Wow the feds really need to get their eyes checked haha. Though from the look that Russo and Thony exchange, they know exactly who did it anyway– well, not exactly, because they’re definitely both picturing Arman being the one pulling the trigger, but still, they've got a Morales in mind

Damn okay Queen Nadia of La Habana here in her red lipstick and red dress with the shoulder pads looking like she should be sitting on a throne next to Satan himself. Tbh I think I was right about killing RK awakening something in her; this woman looks ready to destroy anything and anyone that stands in between her and her kingdom. And as Arman asks, “So how does it feel, walking in here now, being your own boss? Not having to answer to anybody– not Hayak, not Kamdar…” you can practically hear her addition: Not you. Especially when he uses the words ‘all ours’ to refer to La Habana, and she answers “You mean, it’s all mine.” and the look on her face…. Like boyyyy you created a monster, and heaven help you when you try to walk away from her to be with the woman you love, because she is going to rip you limb from limb. But anyway, all of that aside, literally what are they doing there anyway?? I mean I’m not an estate lawyer, but even I know that there is legit NO WAY that she would be allowed to just take over all of RK’s holdings. He died in suspicious circumstances, which means all his assets would be frozen while the investigation was ongoing– and they would certainly not just be handed over to his estranged wife, particularly one whose current partner is known to have had an extremely hostile relationship with RK and even made a previous attempt on his life. Like in what universe would they not be at the very top of the suspect list here????????

“You said you’d fix this. You promised.” Ughhhhhh this ep is definitely giving me so many satisfyingly painful scenes of Thony facing consequences lol; this time it’s Chris getting rightly furious with her when she fails in her promise to save Fi, blaming her for Fi’s deportation and even implying that Garrett’s death is her fault too. And as much as I wanna hug Thony and make it better, I also feel kind of like a parent who is watching their child learning an important lesson haha. It may hurt, but it’s necessary. I am glad though that JD didn’t join in on the attack this time– lbr he’s already made his feelings very clear to Thony, so now is the time for him to hold the family together, rather than throwing blame. Chris choosing to stay with Thony and Luca despite his anger at Thony is interesting; his argument is that Luca needs him and ‘he can’t keep losing everyone’ which is fair I guess, but lbr I feel like the writers just wanted Chris there at the house with Luca so next season Thony can be off running around with Arman without the audience worrying about her committing child neglect lol.  But ughhhh then Luca wakes and sees them all and asks where Fi is and they all look away and great now I’m crying again

Oh no no no you can’t have this mournful song playing over Fi getting led out of her cell and taken onto the plane, and Thony at Garrett’s funeral watching his son cry and Russo having to hand over Garrett’s folded flag to his widow/ex-wife??? And then Fi crying on the plane and Thony sitting on Fi’s empty bed??  No?? No thank you???????????

Honestly I thought that was going to be the end of it right there, but of course it’s not. Because it always comes back to this; to Thony and Arman and their connection. I love that she marches straight past the long line for entry (clearly business is booming once again, looks like Nadia works fast) and she barely spares a glance for the girl at the front desk, who probably saw her and just thought ‘oh the other boss is here’ lol. And ugh the way he’s mid conversation yet basically senses her there in the doorway and turns, just like he did way back in 1x02 when she brought Luca to him. And she doesn’t bother to come closer, or to say anything at all– just meets his eyes for a second and then turns and walks away, already knowing he’ll follow. And ugh follow he does, without a moment’s hesitation, entering the office only a couple of steps behind her even though it’s clear he’s not looking forward to what he’s about to hear– judging by the thunder in her expression, it’s not going to be fun lol. Ngl I love that she yells at him, bc partly she’s calling him out for his role in Fi’s deportation, which is fair, but bc I feel like she’s also using him as an outlet for her anger at herself (“Fiona’s gone because of you”/”You need to fix this”). It’s the things she feels towards herself as well as towards him, and tbh her coming to him is her fixing it, because she knows she can’t do it without him. She needs him, needs his help not only in regards to his resources and connections, but also just his support, because she can’t handle this burden alone. I love that the first thing he says, the only defense he uses, is that his actions kept them all safe– because that’s what he needs her to understand. Yes, Fiona was taken, but in his mind, her being sent back to her homeland and her parents, alive and well, was not such a terrible price to pay when the rest of them got to walk away knowing they were safe from RK once and for all. Tbh though, I actually think he had been expecting and even hoping for this visit, had anticipated Thony coming to him and making this very demand, because it only takes him a moment before he offers up the solution– like he’s already thought it all through, like he came up with it even before he went to kill RK– and it’s now only a question of whether she’ll agree to it. His “Nadia can’t find out about this” is such a telling statement too, because it shows he knows how precarious his position is; it’s now Nadia who holds the power, and if he crosses her in some way, she’ll shut him out. And then what use would he be to Thony, with no money or resources? There’d be nothing he could do to help get Fi back and make this right, and he’d fear that that helplessness would cause Thony to turn away from him and look elsewhere for solutions, abandoning him now that he had nothing to offer. Of course that’s not at all what would happen– Thony is absolutely just as gone for him as he is for her– but the poor boy still can’t see it, and so he's scrambling desperately for anything that will be able to get her to stay. 

And speaking of how gone she is for him, oh god her reaction to keeping it all a secret from Nadia– you can tell she hates this, hates feeling like the dirty mistress being snuck out the back door to avoid being seen by the jealous wife. It’s another reminder that Arman belongs to someone else, not her, just like the night when he showed up with the keycard after ‘reconciling’ with Nadia, when he broke her heart at her own damn suggestion. And because he’s just as clueless about the depth of her feelings as she is about his, he misinterprets her pain as disagreement with the plan, which prompts this blessed line: “Thony, unless you trust me (…) in how I do this, I can’t help you” and god I am NEVER getting over that tiny pause after ‘trust me’, because it’s not just about trusting his plan. It’s about the fact that he feels she lost faith in him, that somewhere along the line she stopped trusting him and looking to him as her protector. She’d trusted him 100% though the heist they’d pulled on Hayak and Noah, enough for her to stay around even when he’d been in jail. She’d trusted him at the motel when they’d dealt with the manager. She’d trusted him when she’d agreed to help him move the drugs, and trusted him after Cortes' death when he’d said they would find a way together to trap RK with the drug deal and satisfy the FBI. She’d still trusted him even after he’d had to murder Maya. But then he’d been left with no choice but to follow her suggestion and go back to Nadia, and suddenly the distance between them seemed to keep widening, with her need to protect her family and his need to protect Nadia putting them repeatedly at odds, and then Luca got sick again and she turned to Kamdar for help instead of him. In Arman’s mind, Thony had pulled away from him after he’d gone back to Nadia, even though he had only been following her direction and he’d only done it because there was no other way. And so now he practically pleads for her to trust him again, and she pauses for a split second, staring at him, before giving the answer that nearly knocks him off his feet: “I never stopped trusting you.” And damn, with the intense way these two are looking at each other, it’s easy to wonder if this conversation is really only about trust... because right now ‘trust’ sounds a hell of a lot like it’s just a placeholder for another very strong emotion, and the way he stares at her when she tells him she never stopped? The tone in which she says it, like he’s a fool for thinking she ever could have stopped? Like ok look I may be waaaay down the rabbit hole here but I simply can’t watch this scene without feeling like the subtext is being screamed so loud that it’s drowning out everything else

And don’t even get me started on how she says she knows he did this to protect her. Her. Not ‘us all’. Just her. Because it’s the truth, isn’t it? He might have said things about ‘none of them’ being safe until RK was dead, but we know who his real concern was; the woman he had never even wanted RK to know about in the first place, and definitely never wanted him to meet.  And honestly, look at the timing– it was only after she drew RK’s attention (back when she delivered the money, she was easily dismissed as a nobody, but when he learned that she was causing division between Nadia and Arman, she very much became somebody of great interest) that Arman became determined that RK needed to die, especially after RK showed he wouldn’t hesitate to kill her, and after she’d had to send her whole family away to protect them while she stayed behind (“Kamdar’s watching me, I can’t run”). He’d wanted RK dead for a long time, but would have never risked attempting it, not until RK threatened the one thing that Arman would go to absolutely any lengths to protect. And ugh the way she holds his gaze so directly as she tells him she knows he did it to protect her, and then: “You have to understand. I need my family back.” like she’s telling him she can’t focus on anything else, or anyone else, until her family is reunited and she’s been absolved of the guilt she currently bears. I know lots of people were disappointed with this scene because there’s no physical contact and no outward declaration of feelings, and as much as I would have died over that, I still love this scene because of its intensity, and how it feels like a conversation within a conversation, showing how well these two know and understand each other that so much can be said while actually saying not much at all. 

But okay excuse me I was not prepared for my dream of Mob Boss Thony to suddenly become a reality already??? Like god the way she carries herself is so different, her voice so cool and unaffected as she stands in front of these two uniformed men– these IMMIGRATION OFFICERS, literally the very people that she as an illegal immigrant has been hardwired to fear– and basically tells them that they work for her now. And then she tells them that she’ll be bringing someone back into the US with her??? And then just walks right on out of there, absolutely rocking her power outfit (what’s the bet that she was thinking of Fi’s advice from back when she had to go meet with Cortes, about looking the part so she could feel the part) and oh god Arman is there by the caddy waiting for her; her partner and her protector, keeping the promise he made: that they would see this through, together. Don’t mind me I will just be over here making dying whale noises into eternity

Anyway okay like I said, I really do get why some fans were disappointed with this finale, because sure, I also would have loved to have seen some kind of physical Armony interaction (ngl, the lack of a kiss this season did catch me by surprise, but tbh it also makes sense given the circumstances). But man, what we did get in terms of Armony interaction was intense and layered and sets us up for such an amazing payoff for next season. And that was something that really struck me, all through this episode– the entire thing feels like a second act. I hadn’t realised how used I was to each individual season of a show kind of having its own little self contained feel to it, because this??? Watching this, I became utterly convinced that after S1, the showrunners actually wrote and pitched the plot of S2 and S3 to the studios together, and right now we are just halfway through that story. Like yes S2 had its own arc, with Armony being caught between Kamdar and the FBI, and if needed the ending could stand on its own with the two of them literally driving off into the sunset together with a plan to make everything right, but tbh the whole thing also has the feeling like we just watched a chessboard being set up with all the pieces being put into place, and now the game can start. Honestly the writing and planning in this show blows me away and I can’t wait to see what S3 brings us ugh

Okay anyhow that’s more than enough rambling from me, so if any of you made it through this after several months of hiatus: cheers and I’ll see you in September haha

[standingontheoverpassscreaming]

fuck if I know tbh

I need to write it down.

you kept thanking me last night because I put your back pack on your side of the bed and got you a water and I’m like ??? bro this is just what people who care about each other do??? and then a little bit later I asked you again what you wanted from me and you were like someone to spend time with and get to know and spend my life with and I was like sure but that’s kinda generic why me and you told me how you think I’m kindhearted and thoughtful, referencing those little things like they weren’t little, and I’m really summing it up here because you said a lot of really lovely things but I had been stressed from knowing I’d see my parents today and overstimulated by going out with your friends so it didn’t all stick but I thanked you for telling me and you were like shit have I not? I’m sorry I need to work on that which hello green flag then we talked about how you don’t ask questions back a lot and I told you how I did think it could mean you were real self centered but I didn’t get that vibe so I observed and realized you just kinda suck at communicating so I told you if you have a thought that’s about me, you should tell me but anyways

it was such a good reminder. this trait that you admire in me is something that was only able to grow because I let go of toxic relationships. I remembered realizing a few months after going no contact with Lewis and my parents that I was nicer and more considerate because I wasn’t constantly on the defense. I remembered being so happy about that. and you reminded me of why I let go of the things that were hurting me.

and then this morning you woke me up just to go down on me then let me sleep bc I never fully woke up 😂 and then you woke me up again at like 7am but we didn’t leave the bed until half past 11 and there was sex, sure, and it was fun and more exploratory and it was nice getting to do that but the conversation too, that was… comforting. and warm. and so, so soft.

you said that you wanted to be closer to me. while completely wrapped around me, full contact. and I know that feeling. and I made it sexual because I’m so scared but I knew what you meant. it’s not just physical. it’s emotional, but so intense that it becomes physical. not even necessarily in a sexual way, though that can help. I know that feeling. I’m watching you fall in love with me, brave and flawed, fearless and afraid. and when I shut the fuck up long enough, I can hear it. in my mind. a little whisper that wants to slip right out of my mouth. watching you grin in profile in the low light of sunrise past my curtains, like it’s the most beautiful sight because it is. that big ole smile, no reservations, just for me. fucking stunning actually. and I do have reservations, a million of em. but goddamn watching you smile like that could make me forget. and then I thanked you, for getting me all soft and happy. even though soft is hard for me. because it made me braver. more comfortable. ready to face something scary. and I laid on your chest and just said “soft” because I felt it and you answered “cozy” and we volleyed some cute lil adjectives back and forth and I told you that I really like you and you tried to make that a volley too and I thought you might be trying to say it or get me to say it but fuck boy I’m so scared. I was thinking it though… so I teased you and got real silly instead and you matched my goofy and it was so fun and also soft. it carried me right on through to the family dinner. which I do now think I should’ve asked you to come to because your day apparently wasn’t so great and you’re in a bad mood so you’re not here which makes me a little sad because I wanted to finish my day how I started it. all tangled up in you.

but last night and this morning? significant. special. soft and cozy and vulnerable but still safe.

you singing along to Swing Life Away in my ear with your arms around me while I cleaned up after you helped me make dessert for the family dinner.

hearing you tell your old friend that nah, you weren’t really thinking about buying that land off your parents to build anymore. because you just weren’t feeling it. as if it had nothing to do with me telling you I wouldn’t wanna live that close to family. as if you weren’t talking about a future that you intend me to be a part of.

a souvenir from your bad work trip and finding out that you already got me something for Christmas.

showing you that video of my dad after telling you I had a dream where he was wearing a wedding dress and taunting me yesterday morning. the video where he drunkenly rambled about me getting married someday and how hard it would be to lose me.

god that smile. just pure peace and bliss. just joy. and I wish I could making you smile like that rn, but I understand.

realizing that, despite you holding on tight enough that I couldn’t fully breathe, I felt so safe. comfortable. almost like home.

and I told you once that being in love means when a person is a home.

[biblicallyaccuratepigeons]

so

i deliberately looked for and screenshot a few anti-ford comments on that poll

because i hate myself ig

anyways i'm gonna be ventin so dldr ig (i voted stan btw)

here we go

hey fuck you? fuck you personally? we don't know that. we can't know that. and hey? it also wouldn't've taken him thirty years, just for the record.

dude what. the fuck. is your problem. you fucking symptom.

rude?? he's literally not a smartass. 20 years of being intellectually ahead of stan; ten years after that of being around college students and professors in his multiple advanced-as-fuck fucking phd programs; thirty years of a personally driven revenge quest to destroy his ex-boyfriend who would otherwise destroy everything he cared about and laugh about it; coming home to find that his life had been taken over so thoroughly that he thought it was another parallel universe; seeing his greatest fear realized; trying to stop it anyway; failing horrendously because he got startled; being tortured with enough electricity to kill a person and that's just what was PG enough to show - and all he did that could otherwise be interpreted as smartassy was to calmly correct his brother-who-had-ruined-his-chances-to-go-to-a-good-university-then-denied-his-one-imperative-request-and-pushed-him-into-the-portal-just-to-open-it-back-up-despite-the-danger's grammar. For fuck's sake, let him be a fucking human you bitch

it's not a complex dude. he is literally both more intelligent and more educated in more fields than about 99% of people, especially of his generation. sorry

As if Stan didn't do the exact same thing on the roadtrip? He would've ended up food if the kids weren't there - hell, he even went back to Darlene after she had already attempted to eat him using the exact same flattery. Did Ford ever go back to Bill? No.

ford... was also doing the most for his family? like it was pretty clear that he was trying to save the world from bill; even before that, he was doing everything so he wouldn't let his dad down and also be disowned

hey can someone tell me what "everything" is because what the actual fuck

i feel like. those two things are incompatible? but either way, in the wake of my bruised ego, this genuinely confounds me bc. like the only thing i can think of that would make someone say that is his pre-portal relationship with bill, as portrayed by bill. and. idk. that story was more sad to me than anything because i've been there. the only thing he did wrong was trust too much.

ok the funnier bit i totally agree with but WHAT THE FUCK WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK FORD'S MORE SELFISH AND HATES THE KIDS LIKE ACTUALLY LIKE THE FIRST THING HE EVER SAID ABOUT MABEL WAS THAT HE LIKED HOW WEIRD SHE WAS AND HE SPENT 30 YEARS TRYING TO KILL THE UNKILLABLE THING THAT HAD DESTROYED AND WOULD DESTROY MULTIPLE DIMENSIONS GET THE FUCK OVER YOURSELVES

wh-what the fuck did he do. what the fuck did he do.

ok now this is just a case of envy. you gonna go home to your negative gpa? gonna cry because you can't find anything special about yourself? we have no idea what ford went through while he was on the other side of that damn portal, but we do know that stan never had to be afraid of sleeping because of what he, himself, would do while he wasn't looking. he never had to worry about who was in charge of his own mind. he never had to be afraid of children on the street, or his own brother. fuck you personally and get a fucking hobby.

he was 17/18 with an abusive father and scared?? also. ford was also going through it in the events leading up to the portal. like i know he was financially comfortable and shit but he was very much not okay

i'm not gonna say he was right not to forgive nor thank stan because he absolutely wasn't, but for the record: ford did also go insane. like that was a very significant thing that happened. also: see the smartass rant. and let him be human please i am begging you.

okay one fuck you because he wasn't "playing" anything. he was trying to get shit done and enjoy life at the same time and that's not a moral failing. two you're being unfair, he didn't "start punching" stan, he punched him once and then when stan tried to punch back he stopped him. he also had thirty years of nonstop action and fear and revenge quest on his mind, with literally no time to work through his hurt because he was too busy surviving, and then stan started the portal right as he'd almost succeeded in his thirty-year revenge quest. he should've forgiven him sooner, but it's not like it doesn't make sense, even from a moral standpoint.

i'm sensing envy and ableism here. sorry you have different strengths than ford; hope you recover soon.

he's like not though? at all?

and this last one made me smile so i wanted to put it at the end for a light ending

And we were all like, "We know, but heyy!"

[h-pelessly]

July Reads

The Coworker by Freida Mcfadden (8/10) The beginning was slow. I'm not going to completely lie, but the book threw me for multiple loops. First off, I thought Natalie, FMC, was a good person, but turns out, she's a bully? Like who would've thunk. But then all her actions showed me that she might've killed Dawn, the other FMC, but like she didn't remember anything. So I was like eh, but bullying in a workplace. What are we-- 5? PLUS, it was painfully obvious that Dawn has autism and it sucked hearing about how people treat her. It was also weird that she had an unhealthy obsession with turtles. Like I get the similarities of how she feels vs turtles behave, but like gd girl this obsession is so weird. Then Natalie kept acting like Dawn's death had no significance so I was like though she doesn't remember, she suddenly did it. Then it turns out Dawn isn't dead. THEN, CALEB, NATALIE'S "BOYFRIEND" KISSED AND MADE LOVE TO DAWN. I was so confused like this honestly bumped the rating up. Jeez. Then Dawn wants to kill herself to get Natalie in jail. Like dude, that's intense. Anyway, the cliffhanger or the "peak" was that Dawn killed a friend of Natalie's from high school that aided in her best friend's suicide. I still don't think that part was realistic, but this book was pretty good.

Not a Peep by MT Addams (8/10) This was a dark bully romance. The first bully romance book I didn't like that much because the FMC was kinda annoying. But this one, I liked it because she was so much more mature. Like she wasn't stupid and didn't try fighting back knowing nothing will change. I didn't expect the MMM attraction/love story, but I liked it. It made sense as how the three guys were so close. Also, the guys were attractive unlike the ifrst one I read. Although, I would lowkey want to continue to read the other one. And it was HOT. Love it, but at the end, although it was a HFN, I didn't feel led on. The second book feels like a second story and not a continuation. I enjoyed this book more because for some odd reason, I was able to differentiate fantasy/fiction from reality, and when I did that, it made me enjoy the book more. So I'm glad I liked this book sm. I feel bad that I won't be indulging in the second book, but it is what it is. At least they all got engaged at the end.

Scoring the Player by Rebecca Jenshak (8/10) This book was cute and in my personal opinion, non-toxic. I love Rebecca Jenshak's books, and I love the fact that Dahlia is such a non-toxic, mellow girl. I didn't relate to her bc she was a golf girlie, but the fact that this is her first relationship and she doesn't know what to do but isn't freaking out or overthinking makes me want to hug her. Felix is such a sweetie for "taking Dahlia under his wing" to protect her. Along the way, they fell in love, and it was cute. When they "broke up", I was sad, but Dahlia made me realize what a strong woman is. I'm so excited to finish the series.

The Draft by Ana Shay (6.95/10) Lowkey disappointed at how this was. It had all my favorite tropes, but the FMC was actually insufferable. Like babygirl needs to be humbled. I get that she's young and excited to be in college and live the college life, but like why do you push yourself on people? Not only did she push herself on her brother's team, which is understandable honestly, she forced Dash to admit his feelings. And the whole time they were messing around, the misunderstanding was insane and how they both immediately went to extreme circumstances gave me the ick. When Madison misunderstood, she went to the extremes to make Dash jealous like girl grow up and keep your petty feelings to yourself. And Dash being called Dash sarcastically bc he's slow? Bro, that gave me the ick. Idk, there were some good parts though. They were cute together but a part, no. They will not last in the long term.

The Graham Effect (7/10) I enjoyed this one, but I don't think about it often. Gigi Graham is a GRAHAM so I thought I would be obsessed, but I was not. It's just weird seeing Garrett as a dad and just so not understanding, but also, Gigi being all grown up and needing a FWB. I get the connection, but I felt like it was just forced proximity and didn't feel the chemistry as strongly as I thought it would be. Maybe it's just because following up with Garrett and Hannah would be very hard. And how they got married???? I'm like... bro? Idk I didn't feel the connection as much which disappointed me.

Love, Within Reason by Everalda Ocampo (7.5/10) I got this as an ARC read a while ago and never got around to it. Though I'm glad I got to it now. I honestly thought this one was cute. I didn't like Mari, the FMC, at first, which is already a bad sign, but as the story progressed, I thought she was very understandable and her opinions were valid. I thought the close family dynamic was very fun and although very annoying at times, it gave a sense of closeness for me. I liked how fun Marcos, the MMC, was. He was a juxtaposition of Mari and I thought they were super cute together. This was a quick, cute read. Too bad it was very fast paced, but it made sense. It was a perfect in between book.

The Road Less Traveled By by Emily Tudor (8.5/10) I got this as an ARC and lemme tell you how proud I am of Emily and her writing. It seems like she grew into her writing and oh my god I love it. I don't know too much about Taylor Swift and how this book is an album or song or whatever, but this book was chef's kiss. It follows a social media influencer x bodyguard, and it opened my eyes to bodyguards, honestly. I didn't see the appeal in Vince, the MMC, but I am so in love with both of them together. I felt the love radiating from my screen and it made me melt. It was wholesome. I am in absolute love with Bree, the FMC. She had a stalker and now that he's out again, she needs a bodyguard with her. Vince has been her bodyguard before and he came back for her. Okay, first off, swoon. Just the way Bree slowly reclaims herself and Vince watching her proudly just makes me swoon. It's a slow burn, but the spice? JEEEZ. I love u Bree and Emily.

Hooked by Emily McIntire (6.6/10) This was my first step into a real dark romance and let me tell you, I was underwhelmed. Maybe it was just the book, but I was like.... That's it? I get it, it's forbidden and there's unaliving aspects and stuff, but I have read heavier shit. AND, it's also a Peter Pan/Captain Hook retelling so it's also my first in that. I don't know what to say. I was super underwhelmed and didn't care for any of the characters whatsoever. Like it wasn't bad, but it was cringy. And what do you mean she gets off by choking HERSELF? Okay... Anyways...

The Unhoneymooners by Christina Lauren (9/10) This was one of my thrifted books so I went into this blindly. Based on the blurb, I was hooked, but I didn't fully know like the tropes and all that. Honestly, reading the back, it seemed like I was about to read The Hating Game over, which isn't bad, but it's just like a book I liked when I first started reading. I don't know if I'd fully love it now. But this one, oh my god. I HAD TO FINISH IT. There were some dumb parts like why Olive, the fmc, just didn't acknowledge her boss on the honeymoon like when they meet in the office, she could've been like 'oh, that was my twin sister.' I get that's why Ethan and Olive get together, but also like that part pissed me off how she was fired for lying off the job. I wanted Ethan to grovel more, but their love story was honestly so cute. I couldn't stop giggling and kicking my feet tbh.

[ihavenothingtodo10220]

hey, common sense anon here, hope you are doing well!

i wanted your thoughts on why you think in modern society is obsessed with who has an audience and who doesnt? like why do mainly those who have an audience or following get the utmost attention both good and bad, yet someone like ourselves whos quite ordinary wouldnt be paid any attention unless we have to prove ourselves (as thats what it still feels like from school throughout adulthood) that we are having to either constantly chase someone for their attention or its people trying to garner the attention they want and i think itd got way out of hand to the point where society has lost track of themselves.

we can spend hours and days weeks or months oggling at the lives of others whilst feeling miserable that our life is not like theirs. im concerned that we are not progressing as people should be. so much is wasted babbling on whatever it might be that usually doesnt even concern the babbler themselves. why cant we separate our life from others and learn to be satisfied with where we are? its honestly so hard rn to not feel down in the dumps or behind or lost or stuck. yet someone else is always trying to outdo another being for what cause though? its just a separate lifestyle so why people got to make their own channels and put a character on? makes no sense to me.

its also not just rich and wealthy that rely on needing an audience or cult like fan base either. every other person snd their granny has to have some type of recognition and if we dont have such a thing why do we feel left out or behind in life bc theres always going to be someone younger than us, therell always be someone better than us st something or other so why does it matter at all in society how popular or how many cliques and internet groups where people have to belong somewhere or theyll be too much of an individual. if this makes any sense then please include your opinion!!

i think its such an issue nowadays with how many folk seek an audience and often at times i have caught myself feeling so inadequate or feeling miserable that im not receving much attention outside of relatives. its sad in a way that the world revolves around the way someone appears to be. and in my opinion even those who dont have a following wont amount to much bc in order to succeed nowadays people need some type of following be it online or elsewhere.

for ex the way society goes through trends faster than tissues or how people would only really be drawn to thode who are popular. if celeb dies its a big deal but if its ordinary person it gets overlooked or theyre life wasnt as significant :/

sorry for my rant again just been doing some thinking (again) thanks again in advance if you reply!

Honestly, this is a human thing rather than a nowadays thing I’ve found. We always want the things we see others having, and compare them to what we ourselves have at the moment. It’s like if you have siblings, how if you sibling got something nice you wanted something nice in turn. How people are always trying to be acknowledged and praised for everything they do. Though nowadays, with social media, this is definitely amplified by social media because we can now see all these things others are doing and want those things too. So it’s constantly people seeing others rising higher and higher and wanting to rise themselves. And frankly, we’re not evolved yet to deal with those things quite right. It’s like how 99% of people hate the way they look/are insecure. It’s because we’re not evolved to be used to seeing ourselves, as that ability is fairly new. Sure there were reflections in things like ice and water, but those aren’t clear and horribly skewed.

With celebs dying and things, it is sad that ordinary people get overlooked but also understandable. With celebs, you know at least of them, and have built a sort of parasocial relationship. With ordinary people it’s kind of like when you read history books about people who’ve been dead for hundreds of years. It’s very detached. Unless it’s truly brutal and gruesome, it just doesn’t feel the same as it would for a celebrity or someone in your life.

And again, the trends thing is very much something that’s a constant as well. Our sense of beauty is dependent on what you see the most. Trends change because you see one thing too much, and therefore you want the exact opposite. That, and it also reflects a culture’s values, predicament, etc. etc. trends changing reflect how we as a people are changing. Trends have always been rather fleeting in nature.

[autumnrory]

ohhh my god so like after my first meeting with my new primary care idk if i mentioned it or my mom just asked about how much weight i had loss and said she could tell i had lost some which i couldn’t tell but whatever i wasn’t too bothered bc it was relevant in the moment and i know i just need to accept that my family is Like This like i think everyone has struggled with their weight at some point or another and like i basically always have but also accepted that it’s not gonna change too much especially now knowing about my thyroid which ofc is genetic so again we’ve all dealt with it though idk how long it has been affecting me or anything if it’s always kept me from losing much weight or what

BUT like i got to the highest i’ve ever been for a while after college probably bc i was no longer walking places so once i started exercising i dropped a bunch and then basically stayed the same until i had to change my diet the last few months but i really don’t think it’s gonna change much more and hey i’m glad if it lowers my cholesterol but i think after the dramatic change in behavior had me lose like ten pounds it’s gonna stay where it is especially with the thyroid issue and like we live in a society i get it i lowkey care but i just have tried not to let it affect me as it did when i was younger because it is what it is and i wanna wear what i want and have a healthy relationship with food so like i just have a lot of other things to obsess over i am not gonna hate myself over this one

anyway i had just finished eating dinner (a dumb fucking 300 calorie lean cuisine and i have figured out for the most part how to get more calories throughout the day if i’m gonna be eating those) and my dad was just like “how much weight have you lost” and i was like i think i heard that right but i’m gonna ask him to repeat that which he did so he said he could tell and i was like “i don’t know” even though i do and he’s like “you don’t get on the scale?” and i said “i do at the doctor’s” which like i get curious at times but since it usually doesn’t change much i don’t bother checking bc again i don’t wanna obsess and he said he gets on the scale every day and “if i gain 2 or 3 pounds it’s coming right off, i don’t want anything to accumulate” LIKE what kind of thing is that to say there is absolutely an implication there and i guess he may not know about the thyroid thing idk if my mom shared that with him or not but it’s like dude I exercise more than you sooo isn’t that a significant thing i do even if i don’t lose weight about it (and he’s commented multiple times in the past about my eating frozen meals like i don’t comment on your habits why do you think you get to say shit to me about what i do) but i just said that i don’t worry about it too much and left

because like again i know it’s the world we live in but i can’t stand how obsessed everyone is about it and being probably the heaviest (for my height) in my immediate family it’s always just been like damn what do you guys think of me for something i have very little control over like it just makes me sad that they care so much about shit like this and like of all things that must somehow affect how they view me like i really do try not to worry much about it bc it’s been a struggle for like half my life and there’s plenty from growing up that made it such a concern but i just will probably never be thin and like sure they might mean well to comment that i’ve lost weight but will it not be disappointing to them when i inevitably don’t lose more or god forbid gain it back

[lunaletgo]

9 to 5

I haven’t sat down and written a deep thought in a while, and I find my brain slightly more interesting when it get fixated on a question, there’s answers in there I didn’t know I had, all from experiences I never thought would be significant to my life.. here we go.. 

Do you know how difficult it is to be fully aware that your extreme sadness and anxiety is a literal chemical imbalance in your brain coupled with generational trauma and relationship trauma, and there’s really nothing you can do but talk about it… however you’re so self aware of your problems you know all the responses you’re going to get to what you have to say, so what’s the actual point in saying it. It’s what I’d say to my friend if they felt this way, so why shouldn’t I believe it myself, doesn’t that make me a hypocrite? But no, because I’m aware that it’s just a chemical imbalance… maybe I caused my own trauma and splitting bc this is clearly how I operate… with so much logic it depleted and detaches my emotion… but so full of emotion because I actually care so much… but then you try medication… 

Then they give you Fluoxetine, for the depression… but that makes your anxiety even worse, so then you get prescribed a low dose of Sertaline… and that makes you SLEEEP… so much to the point it’s 12-16 hours asleep, 3 hours awake, and repeat. Then you go down the list of every medication possible for anxiety and depression.

Lexapro- makes me more suicidal 

Paxil- makes me more nervous and makes me nauseous 

Brisdelle- no sleep + more bad dreams when I can sleep

Luvox- complete and total zombie, functioning, but absolutely no emotion and no empathy for others

I can go on, and on, and on. Not for lack of trying, I had schedules with alarms and timers, we did different dosages, started small and worked up, I went to regular therapy, solo and group. I’m just nervous… all the time.. by my nature. If you’ve read this far, I hope you understand a bit better, when I say I am tired of being like this. Also, don’t let this scare you, or make you feel like you need to be on high alert all the time, I’m genuinely fine, thanks to the logical side of my brain.. just the emotional part.. the passion part, is dying. I don’t know if it’s because my chemical imbalance and if it’s just getting worse, if possible, or if it’s just the reality of the world and the truth of the people in it, and I see more and more reasons to hate humanity daily, but I still love every human being as if they are an extension of myself in some way. I’m not responsible for what they may or may not do. It’s not in my control, but for how badly others have hurt me, I’ve always forgive them, because they would realize one day how they hurt themselves. 

If I’m wrong correct me, I’d hate to be ignorant.

If I’m selfish, tell me. I never want to seem ungrateful for anything in my life.

If I’m just crazy and need to be in an institution, send me. 

But maybe, I’m just human and I’m living in a world that no longer nurtures both. 

I only wish to be understood, by those meant for my life. Back to work.

[abcdosaka]

Didn’t start looking for a job yet. Maybe tomorrow? I’ve been feeling so worried what people will think of me and just anxiety abt my parents bc honestly I’m so transactional in my relationship with them. I don’t know why. Have they taught me that? Idk where else it could’ve came from tbh even as a kid I remember being like “how abt we all just do our own chores/make our own tea/wash our own dishes” and my mom was like no you’re so selfish. like was that her manifesting this into me or did she spoil me too much as she said she did or what even caused that. Anyway point is I hate depending on them bc I feel like I owe them so much and I hate that.

Honestly had some thought abt romantic relationships. Can I just say I’m asexual and go. I don’t think I am is the thing but im genuinely afraid of connecting with people closely now. Even just a close friendship seems so unknowable to me lol. S actually kinda traumatized me. Idk if I’d say traumatize rly but what other word….had a significant effect on me. There you go that’s how you extend a sentence if you wanna meet the word count. But yeah and romantic relationships just seem so much more intense than friendships idk I just feel like I’m not strong enough for one like idk if I could be there for someone romantically and I’m so afraid of letting people down

Back to jobs. Idk if I’m qualified. I am I know I am but I’m just so scared of applying even though I’ve done it like hundreds of times at this point and had like 30 interviews. It’s always scary not knowing what you’re doing or where you’re life is going. Ik it’s not that hard but also I’m scared there won’t be that many listings I actually want or the pay will be shit or it’ll be a shit workplace. But idk I’ve faced all that before.

My parents rly do spoil me bc another thing is like they take care of me. I don’t have to cook I just have to contribute around the house a bit but even if I don’t they still care for me. I rlly need to step it up

The past two weeks were like my vacation I guess. I just don’t want it to end. I like doing nothing. But at the same time I hate it. It’s like I feel fine but there’s def something under the surface that just very sad and fearful and frustrated and stressed. If I could move out maybe I’d get motivation but it’s stupid to move out without a job. And I’m terrified of getting my license which I absolutely need to do at this point like it’s ridiculous how much time it has taken me and I’m embarrassed that I haven’t but every instructor I’ve had just made me hate it even though I’m like not even that bad at driving. I’m just worried abt parking bc no matter how much I practice I never seem to get it right

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

I suspect quite a few people on this site don’t realize they are struggling with the effects of chronic trauma. In particular I think more people need to learn about the symptoms of C-PTSD.

Distinct from general PTSD, Complex PTSD is caused by prolonged, recurring stress and trauma, often occurring in childhood & adolescence over an extended period of time. There are many risk factors, including: abusive/negligent caregivers, dysfunctional family life, untreated mental/chronic illness, and being the target of bullying/social alienation.

I’m not a mental health professional and I’m not qualified to diagnose anyone, I just remember a million watt light bulb going off in my head when I first learned about C-PTSD. It was a huge OH MY FUCKING WORD eureka moment for me—it explained all these problems I was confused and angry at myself for having. The symptoms that really stood out to me were:

Negative self-perception: deep-seated feelings of shame, guilt, worthlessness, helplessness, and stigma. Feeling like you are different from everyone else, like something is fundamentally ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ with you.

Emotional avoidance of topics, people, relationships, activities, places, things etc that might cause uncomfortable emotions such as shame, fear, or sadness. Can lead to self-isolation.

Learned helplessness: a pervasive sense of powerlessness, often combined with feelings of desensitization, wherein you gradually stop trying to escape or prevent your own suffering, even when opportunities exist. May manifest as self-neglect or self-sabotage. (I remember watching myself make bad choices and neglect my responsibilities, and having no idea why I was doing it, or how to stop myself. Eventually I just stopped caring, which led to more self-neglect.)

Hyper-vigilance: always feeling “on edge,” alert, unable to relax even in spaces that should feel safe. May be combined with an elevated “flight” response, or feelings of always being prepared to flee. (I used to hide important documents and possessions in a sort of emergency go bag, even when I was living alone and there was no logical reason other than it made me feel “prepared.”)

Difficulty regulating emotions: may include mood swings, persistent numbness, sadness, suicidal idealization, explosive anger (or inability to feel anger and other strong emotions), inability to control your emotions, confusion about why you react the way you do.

Sense of foreshortened future: assuming or feeling that you will die young. Recurring thoughts that "I'll be dead before the age of 30/40/18/21 etc." As a teenager I used to joke darkly that I didn't plan to live past 30—not because I planned to end my life, but because I simply couldn't imagine myself alive and happy in the long-term. I couldn't imagine a meaningful future where I wasn't suffering.

Emotional flashbacks: finding yourself suddenly re-experiencing feelings of helplessness, panic, despair, or anger etc, often without understanding what has triggered these feelings. Often these flashbacks don’t clearly relate to the memory of a single event (since C-PTSD is caused by repetitive events, which can blur together), making them harder to identify as flashbacks—especially if you’ve never heard the phrase “emotional flashback” and don’t know what to look for. For years I just filed it under “sometimes I overreact/freak out randomly for no reason, probably bc I am just a terrible human being.” (It turns out there was very much a reason, it was just hidden in the past. I have since learned to be kinder and less judgemental towards myself.)

There are other symptoms too, here are more links with good info.

I’ve been meaning to write this post for awhile, because I’ve noticed that a lot of the people I interact with online have risk factors and experiences similar to mine. These include:

growing up in a dysfunctional household

having caregivers who do not fulfill basic emotional needs (do not provide consistent positive attention, encouragement, support, acceptance, communication, a sense of safety and security)

on a very related note, experiencing neglect or abuse at the hand of caregivers or other adults. I also want to emphasize the significance of emotional abuse, since it is hard to recognize, easy to ignore, and utterly rampant in so many communities. In general, family dysfunction, abuse & neglect are quite difficult to identify when you are a child/teen and that is the only “normal” you have known.

(For example, in my family it manifested as an emotionally absent father I was vaguely frightened of, constant nagging from a hypercritical mother, and a house full of people who yelled and screamed at each other. It took me years to realize I grew up in an abusive environment, because there was no physical violence, because I participated in the fighting, and because my behavioral problems made me the family scapegoat. And I internalized that guilt: I thought I was the problem. But no—I was a child, and I deserved not to grow up in a household full of anger and fear and negativity. You deserved that too. You deserved to grow up safe and loved and treated with kindness.) 

anyway back to more risk factors:

being neurodivergent or chronically ill (especially without receiving proper treatment/support/accommodation)

being queer (especially in a conservative or undiverse community, or without the support and acceptance of family & friends)

being the target of bullying or harassment (from peers, teachers, authority figures, irl, online, etc)

being isolated or alienated from peers, from family, from your wider community.

growing up with chronic anxiety, discomfort, pain, fear, or distress caused by any of the above and more.

There are many other experiences that can cause chronic trauma, but these are some particularly common ones I see people in my own community struggling with. And I want more people to be aware of this, because we’ve been taught to ignore and second-guess the significance of our traumatic experiences. We’ve been taught to feel guilty for our own pain, because “other people aren’t struggling, so I shouldn’t either” or (contradictorily) “other people have it worse, so I shouldn’t complain.” But that’s not how it works—you are not other people, and you deserve to have it better. We all deserve better. We deserve to be happy. We deserve not to be in pain.

I used to think I couldn’t have a trauma disorder because (I argued in my head) the things that happened to me weren’t that bad. And then I spent five years in therapy learning to accept the full extent of my issues. I’ve since learned that trauma comes in many forms, and can happen quietly, invisibly, silently, chronically, and usually without the survivor being aware of the long-term repercussions of what they are surviving. That revelation comes later, after you have survived and must instead learn to live.

Finally, no single type of trauma is more real or harmful than any other. Severity is measured by the way the individual is affected, and the same situations affect different people in different ways. Because no one gets to choose how their brain reacts to trauma. No one gets to choose their hurt—otherwise there would be a hell of a lot less hurting in the world.

We can, however, choose to seek help. We can learn to recognize when something is wrong, we can learn when to reach out to professionals, and we can learn to educate ourselves on our injuries.

And gradually, we can learn to heal.

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