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bubblyani · 4 years

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Bail Out: 06

(Bruce Wayne x Reader)

A Bruce Wayne Multi Chapter Series

Chapter 06: The Wall

Summary: One fateful, drunken night gets you arrested for assault. However, once you get bailed out by Billionaire Socialite Bruce Wayne, surprising obstacles get in the way, forcing you to question all your choices in life, career, and in love.

Word Count: 5400+

Rating: Mature

Warnings: Violence

Author’s Note: Another challenging chapter but it was quite an experience indeed. Hope the wait was worth it. Enjoy!

CHAPTER LIST

Never were you so reluctant, to hear your own name being called out loud. Never ever. No one would, when it was simply an invitation to one’s own funeral.

A constant ringing noise lingering in your ears was a horrifying reminder of the gunshots that were fired rapidly and generously before, threatening and murderous at the same time. The noise questioned your sanity as you heard your own breathing in slow motion for a few seconds. However, time and speed returned to normal the moment his piercing voice called out for you for the second time. That voice, which were the bells of death in your heart.

“I KNOW YOU’RE HERE!”

Slender yelled, his voice and expression displaying equal forms of madness. Truthfully , his attitude tonight surprised you. Being the calm and collected assassin he was the last time, he certainly was expressive in access. Quiet as a mouse amongst the buzz and worried chatter of the crowd, you prayed his patience would run thin and hopefully give up.

“Playing quiet, am I right??” He began, with a slight amusement, “Well, suit yourself cause...If you don’t give yourself up now...I think I’ll take down everyone here until you do...” he added, “...one...at a time...”

His menacing decisiveness brought fear to the crowd, including yourself. It was fast as being splashed by a bucket of cold water. Speechless, you prayed for a mental reflex action. Looking at everyone, you saw the young folk holding onto each other. Their loved ones, their friends, their humanity. Being a woman of your position, you bore the responsibility for the well being of an entire work force in a billion dollar enterprise. Therefore, these strangers should not be treated any different. Even as a citizen, shouldn’t responsibility of life be of importance to you as well?

“NO?”

Slender inquired, effortlessly raising his gun, “Well...”he said, pointing at the crowd, his finger resting on the trigger, “...then you leave me no choice-”

“WAIT! WAIT!!!”

You heard yourself yell for your life, cutting him off. With both your hands raised up, you slowly rose up from the crowd, “It’s me! I’m here I’m here!” Your voice may have been loud, yet the control was evident, “No need to go that far...I’m here!”

With your hood pulled down, you took careful steps to walk towards Slender. A low groaning sound crept in to your ears out of nowhere as you walked. The closer you got to Slender, the clearer his appearance became.

Seemingly a young hispanic, subtle freckles filled his face while his head was home to curly black hair, tied up in a tight ponytail. If it were not for his black leather long coat and eye liner, he would have taken resemblance of an amiable youngster in a gentrified neighborhood. As you finally stood within his reach, you were prepared for a reaction. Except he surprised you, as he looked you up and down with utter confusion.

“Almost didn’t recognize you without your work clothes…” he remarked with genuine curiosity. Looking down at your attire, you sighed with relief. Suppose curiousity does not indeed discriminate amongst the good and the bad. The mysterious groaning emerged once again, hinting to be coming from close by, which confused you.

“Yeah, I get that a lot” you said, with a shrug, surprised by your relaxed attitude, “This makes me look younger apparently-Look!”raising your voice slightly, you finally captured his attention “ Now you’ve finally got me…” you continued, “Can you PLEASE…PLEASE let the others go? But most importantly…” taking a deep breath, you added, “…can you please…let me help that old lady out?”

You said, motioning your head towards your right. Slender turned to his left to see a female figure that lay face down a few feet away from you. Given the gray hair, attire and the wooden cane, you easily guessed where those mysterious groaning sounds came from.

“She seems to be hurt…” You said calmly, “Let me just take her over to the crowd…” you paused, “And then I’m all yours…But only if you promise to let them all go…” you demanded.

Your hands remained raised up high, it started to hurt. But you chose to keep it so in order to gain his trust. You wondered if you had to go further in order to do so, only to find him nod slightly.

“Fine…” His answer was quicker than expected. Relieved, you felt his gaze on you as you tip toed over to the woman. With shoulder length gray hair, the woman remained crouched, thus identifying her proved to be difficult. However, the tired groans continued.

“Ma’am?” You addressed softly, kneeling right next to her, “Here, let’s get you up, okay?” You said, slowly holding her by the shoulders. They seemed stronger than expected.

“T-thank you” her shaky, aged voice uttered, as she began to kneel alongside you. Leaning forward, you hoped to take a good look at her for any injuries, for not seeing her face made you more curious.

“That’s it...” You said, “…there we g-What?”

Your eyes widened upon what you just witnessed. It was no old woman. Frankly it was no woman at all. All you saw was pitch black. A sudden kick on your shin, caused you to land hard on you back with a yelp.

“Ow!!” Grunting in pain, you opened your eyes, “Ah-”

Gasps left you the moment the figure hovered, grabbing you firmly by the neck to hold you in place. With one hand, it skillfully pushed off the gray wig, and unbuttoned the baby pink coat, only to reveal it sporting black military gear and black chest armor. But what caused your pulse to race, was indeed the black skull mask it wore on its face. If Slender’s voice was the ring of death, this figure simply was the living embodiment of it.

“You got her, Alpha?”

Slender’s voice emerged, forcingyour eyes to wander. He stood next to the figure with a knowing smile on his face. All the sudden, he was not the raged maniac he was a few minutes earlier. The calm and controlled persona you remembered was finally back.

“Yes…it was so easy”

Alpha replied, the voice seemingly modulated through a voice changer. It was deep, unrecognizable and horrific. Before you could even begin to question, the leather grip on your neck began to tighten, you were being chocked.

“Who?-what?-why are the-?” breathlessly, you struggled with many questions.

“The more you try to talk, the harder it’s going to be for you...” Alpha answered calmly, proceeding to strangle you, “…not that I should care...” it said, shrugging with amusement, “Now…let’s see here…” it said, taking out an old phone from it’s pocket.

You squinted, when Alpha captured a photo of you, blinding you with its light. “Sorry about the flash…” Alpha said, casually apologetic whilst handing the phone to Slender, “but makes a convincing crime photo, ya know?”

You wished to reply, but how could you when its grip tightened even further. Holding its hands with your own, you made desperate attempts to take in as many breaths as possible. However, the warning signals your mind issued suddenly were pretty imminent. The signals literally begged you for one requirement only: air. It seemed pathetic when you could hear nothing but your own ghastly attempts to maintain a steady airflow when barriers are being set. Strange, how you heard nothing else. No screams of panic. Before you could even question, it was already answered when your eyes widened with shock. Every single person held hostage, all appeared slowly within your eye line, surrounding you, providing a human frame to your view of the Gotham sky that you were forced to stare at. Wearing blank expressions, not a trace of fear nor surprise was instilled in any of their faces, as they all stood there, watching you struggle for your life. Even the young man who was shot earlier, stood bloody without a single cry of pain. What was going on?

Overwhelmed, your body began to panic even more as you kicked your legs in desperation. In a hypothetical situation such as this, it was expected of the protagonist to be defeated in a loud and chaotic instance. But in reality, it was purely silent filled with your own desperate attempts to cry for help. Your vision began to blur out slow, could this finally be the end?? The more it was understood, the more you realized all that you regretted. You regretted not calling your family often. If only you made one single call to them tonight. You regretted not hugging your mother enough, for even if you were a grown woman, you were still her little girl. Loudly gasping for air, you regretted not telling your friends and coworkers of your constant appreciation. Ali, Lillian, you wished you told them how they were like your family.

You regretted not living the life you should have lived, when you felt the final remnants of your air exiting your lips.

Until the sound of a Heavy Explosion reached your ears.

“SHIT!”

Slender yelled. The surprising effect forced Alpha to loosen its grip on you. Looking around, the crowd began to buzz with curiosity and gasp upon what they witnessed. Arming himself with his machine gun, Slender began fire to his right, a bullet rain possibly pouring down. Turning to your left, you were grateful as the crowd parted as you saw the bullets hit a certain humongous, black vehicle. Silence finally took over as the bullets finally ran out and the vehicle remained unaffected. All that everyone could do was to look around.

But not when Slender jolted as a sharp black throwing star hit him in the thigh.

“Alpha! IT’S HIM!!” Slender cried out in pain.

Him? For a moment you could only pray for that to be the one you expected, your savior. And as you found a dark familiar figure gliding from one building to the other across your eye line, a sense of safety came over you. It truly was him: Batman. No! Bruce Wayne, your heart cried out.

Like a swarm of bats, the crowd began to disperse in an instant, causing massive confusion to anyone who laid eyes on the street. You managed to catch the sight of Slender pulling out his exotic sword before charging towards Batman. Regaining air to breath, you hoped Alpha was intimidated enough by the entire scenery to be distracted. However, the moment you felt yourself being gripped tightly once again, it was evident it was not done with you yet. Smothered by its leather fingers digging in your flesh, you let out shaky gasps in sheer desperation, for the strangulation grew stronger and more aggressive. Moving your body in every way possible, you faced your biggest struggle. All the while you tried your hardest to look out for the caped crusader, who was in a heated battle. However, from what could be seen, Batman seemed to be winning.

“I didn’t want to do this but-”

Alpha’s voice made you shift your eyes back, as you found it taking out a small knife. Your heart sank. Could it be a possible surprise attack at Batman?

It was not. Instead, you felt it pull out your right arm, only to slash your inner wrist with much force. Before you could yell out, Alpha’s hands reunited with your neck, exerting much pressure on its grip, suffocating you while you were forced to watch blood spray out of your own hand like a garden sprinkler.

“LET HER GO!”

You heard Batman bellow. And as soon as an excruciatingly painful cry exited Slender, Alpha looked behind, only to disappear within a huge puff of grey smoke before Batman could even reach it. With Slender defeated, and Alpha gone, the street was quiet once again. Except all was not well. Especially when you began to question your pulse and the rest of your blood flow.

“YOU OKAY???”

Batman growled, appearing before you within lightning speed. His growl was desperate. Gripping your wrist, his palm pressed on it tightly in order to stop the bleeding. However, you wondered if it was too late. There was barely any form of life within you.

“Ba-” you began weakly, “Bat….” you inhaled with difficulty.

“SAY SOMETHING!” He cried out.

Suddenly all appeared darker than usual. The loss of air and the loss of blood certainly was taking a toll of you. Yet, through his black mask, you managed to trace out his eyes, those beautiful hazel green eyes, reminding you of the love you possessed for the man who owned them in the first place.

“M-Mr. Wayne...I-” You breathed softly. The moment those words exited, you realized your other biggest regret: Not telling Bruce Wayne how you truly felt about him.

Amidst his cries of your name, you found yourself being swallowed in to the black hole of life, where nothing was seen nor heard.

You were dying, you knew it.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

You may have been slow dancing with death earlier, but as it turned out, not anymore.

With your eyes fluttering open, you felt yourself inhale gently, slowly becoming aware of the presence of your entire being once again. The night sky did not greet you, but a beautiful high ceiling instead. The surroundings were exquisite and familiar. The mattress that kept you rested definitely proved itself to be the best mattress you have ever laid on. It was definitely the Wayne Penthouse.

Stirring slowly, you were surprised to have enough energy to sit up. Involuntarily drinking in the beauty and class, your heart felt alive the moment you turned to find Bruce Wayne to your left.

Sitting on the floor by the gigantic windows, he remained in his Bat Suit, with his cowl in hand, staring at the Gotham skyline. To find him in this position was certainly was a sight to see.

“Hey…”

You breathed. Though you were soft, he managed to hear you, turning to you in a flash.  

“Are you alright?” He inquired, to which you nodded gently. “Yeah...think I blacked out over there”, you answered shyly, rubbing your neck with your left hand. Finally you were aware of the immense pain that was inflicted in the neck muscles and your throat, bringing back the horrid memories for a millisecond. And as you bowed your head down, you finally caught the sight of your right hand, falling victim to injury once again as the wrist was bandaged, “ I must have been a mess huh?” You inquired in return.

“Certainly wasn’t what Alfred expected when I brought a girl home…” Bruce said. You chuckled.

“Poor Alfred” you murmured, getting up slowly. The image of Wayne bringing back a bleeding woman to the penthouse must have been horrifying.

“How did you know?”

You froze at his inquiry. You were no fool. It was evident what he really meant. Clearly it was justified for him to wonder how on earth you were certain to address him by his real identity in the time of crisis. Truthfully, it could not be helped, for death awaited you. Bruce did not sound cross. Taking a deep breath, you shyly took steps towards him. As your feet grazed from the fur rug to the polished cool tiles, your hands tied behind your back for you were deep in thought.

“Remember when that guy broke your mask?” You asked, forcing him to look at you with slightly wide eyes. “I thought I told you to go…” Bruce said with concern. “You did...” You answered quickly, “and I did leave…but” paused, you looked down,”Not exactly”. Still looking down embarrassingly, you drew circles on the floor with your big toe, “ I wanted to help, so I called the cops...” you said, “I-I didn’t mean to see it happen...it just ...it happened, I guess” you added softly. Chuckling softly with amusement, Bruce turned to the window once again, “It must have been a surprise” “Oh...” you began with a laugh , “…the biggest one so far, for sure...” You assured. Silence comfortable took over whilst you sat next to him with your legs crossed. The chill of the floor penetrating through your leggings. Revealing one’s secret identity in a position such as his, never was a safe move. You were compelled to provide some assurance. No one asked you. But you knew it was necessary. “Do you know what they call me at work?” You found yourself inquiring all the sudden. Bruce looked at you. “The Bruiser?” Shaking your head, you chuckled. “Now you’re being predictable...” You teased, bringing him over to chuckle town, “no…apparently…” your laughter vanished, “…they call me ‘The Wall’…Heh! Lillian told me that” You added. Though your eyes admired the view from the window, you managed to catch him watch you with curiosity. “Cause no matter what they disclose, it doesn’t go anywhere through me” you declared, “as if I’m the safest place anyone’s secret could ever be…”. You turned back to him, giving a reassuring smile, “…the same goes for you too, Batman”

Nodding mutually, you both resumed to watch the night sky. Whether your speech amused him or comforted him, you did not know. As long it protected his conscience, you did not care.

“But now that I think of it…” you began “…you bring a whole new meaning to an All Nighter, huh?” You jested, watching Bruce guffaw all the sudden. The more you laughed alongside him, the more it came to your realization as to how much you relished it. But as you began cough in effect, your laughter died down. The pain is your neck resurfaced once again. The smell of those leather gloves haunted you. And the moment you caught Wayne’s eyes, you could sense guilt and anger living in them.

“Who the hell was that ??” You breathed, referring to the incident earlier. “Possibly a group of assassins hired by Henderson” Bruce stated, “And that includes the two previous attacks” “That’s what Officer Blake told me” You added, to which he nodded “Do you know who they are?” You inquired curiously, still rubbing your neck. “No…” You were speechless. That answer was definitely a surprise, even from Batman, “ ...there’s nothing specific to tie them to any group” He said, “…they seem to appear completely anonymous” “The leader…” You said, bringing your knees to your chest, “…He was called Alpha or something....” “A temporary name to communicate, perhaps…” Bruce said, looking down at his cowl “I’ve never seen anyone like this before...” Given his genuine concern, You knew he was being truthful. With all the any villains he has faced, this certainly was a first. Sighing, you found yourself rocking back and forth. “Everything was just orchestrated so well...”you said, scoffing “…even the people seemed to have been planted ” you shook your head, “all that...just to kill me?” You inquired yourself, completely in disbelief. “Angering Henderson doesn’t really help anyone...” You heard Bruce reply, “I knew that well...”

“What do you mean?” You asked, as he kept his cowl on the ground and leaned against one of the sofa chairs.

“According to Gotham’s underworld, whenever they got a ‘clean up' job from Henderson, they knew someone has pissed him off…” He said. “Shit...” you breathed. Embarrassment sprayed over you as you covered your face with your hands. “The moment he didn’t press charges, I knew something was up” Bruce added. You looked at him. “So.. you knew” you muttered in amazement, “hehe…no wonder you were there every time. But…” you paused, “ …you didn’t know where I was...” You said with confusion. Bruce smiled softly, the smile that warmed your heart every time. “Guess I had to find ways to keep an eye on you...” he said. Those words, they held you by the hand, leading you to a road of memories that lived deep in your thoughts wondering. “The Black Box...” you began, raising your index finger, “…was that-” “A tracker? Yes” Bruce said, completing your sentence.

And with your eyes on a constant wide stance, you were in complete surprise when Bruce Wayne played storyteller without any hesitation. Answering questions that were not even asked, leaving nothing behind for it was evident you deserved an explanation. Your jaw dropped.

“So that means..” you began seriously, rousing his curiosity, “... at the Charity Ball, you didn’t have to tinkle…Hehe! Stalker…” you said cheekily, making him chuckle. “I was not-” “I’m kidding…” You assured him, “I’m not mad, really” you kept chuckling, “…not especially when you trying your hardest to save my life...” You said, the chuckles disappearing soon after. It was true. Why would someone as powerful as Bruce Wayne, bother looking out for someone such as yourself? That was when that poor heart of yours began to nudge you, poked at you to remind you of a matter of importance. A matter that would help you clean out a compartment of your heart and be done with it. Turning to him, you began: “Mr. Wayne-” “Bruce...” Gently, he cut you off, “just…Bruce...Please” “Bruce…” You uttered, after a deep breath. Funny how it seemed so challenging to address someone by their first name. But the moment you said, it seemed as effortless as feeling a gentle breeze leave your lips. “Tonight...” you said, “I was closer to death than I had ever been...” you breathed in deeply, “Truthfully I almost died, so that counts,” you added, feeling your neck and your wrist, “And I will regret with every inch of my body if I didn’t tell you this...” Why did facing death seem easier than this very moment? This very moment, was more horrifying than any test or any interview. With your pulse on high speed, you looked down. You stared at your hands that were on a wrestling match of their own. Slowly, you were compelled to take several breaths. “You okay?” You heard him utter with concern. “Yep! yep! I’m good” nonchalantly, you answered without looking up, “ I just-”

Exhaling deeply, your shoulders hunched up before slowly looking up. Surprised you were to find his amused face staring at yours, as if you were a child attempting to confess stealing a candy bar. You smile shyly with tight lips. Guess it was now or never.

“Ever since the day I met you…” you began, with your legs crossed once more, “I-I…” you chuckled, “ I couldn’t help but feel…things for you”, taking another breath, you continued, “I liked you…I-” pausing, you smiled, “I still like you…very much. I couldn’t help it, especially when you were completely not what I expected from Bruce Wayne. The way you were with me, all the time…I-” chuckling once again, “You know, Batman may be the hero to everyone…but” you said, nodding, “I would chose Bruce Wayne over Batman any day…” you said, looking straight into his eyes, “Because you were my hero…my hero without the mask”

With the weight finally off your shoulders, you quickly looked down in embarrassment. “That’s it! That’s all I wanted to say. I-”

You were interrupted the moment you felt him grab your right hand. A touch of spring was birthed in your body that reeked of winter. Bruce gazed at your hand with focus, for it was the hand that punched Henderson, the hand that bled. You would be lying if you did not acknowledge the chills that traveled down your spine when his thumb ran over your hand.

“Alfred...he...” Bruce began, “…he asked me…why I was so concerned over someone who punched Henderson in the name of Wayne”

“Exactly...”you said, smiling, “Why would you?” You inquired softly. The manner in which his eyes caught yourself, urged you it was no laughing matter.

“Cause that night… I didn’t see The Bruiser…” he said, “…I saw you” he added, “My very own savior” he breathed.

Suddenly the circus made its victorious return to your stomach, its power strong enough to expand to your heart. Those hazel green eyes confirmed the seriousness of his words, causing your heart to dash into an eternal sprint.

“And every time I met you, I couldn’t help but feel protective…” he said, “…or even...something more...” He added, “...something to hope for”

Those words were akin to warm honey to your ears. Disbelief was all you could be. And all this time, you were blaming yourself for feeling all this by your lonesome. The circus fueled you, and you were ready to fly over to the top of the world. At that moment, nothing else was of importance.

“But it’s just impossible...”

You froze upon those words. Suddenly you felt yourself trip from the peak, tumbling down thousands of feet. Patience and concern clouded you as he let go of your hand.

“What?” You said, “What do you mean?” Squatting worriedly as you continued. However, the moment you inquired, it was easily answered. Putting one’s loved ones in danger, seeing them suffer. Your incident clearly proved it all. Looking down, Bruce turned to his cowl.

“Men like me...” He began, “We just don’t get the luxury,....”

The luxury to be a free man, the luxury to love without boundaries and worry. They were the most luxurious indeed. On any other day, you would willfully empathize and understand this opinion. But tonight, you were tired. You were exhausted in every possible way. Your mind had finally decided to take a break while your heart took over. Scoffing softly, you shook your head.

“There’s no such thing...” You said in refusal. For your heart did not agree. You simply could not accept. Bruce chuckled.

“In whose world?” He asked. You swore, the sprint in your heart skipped to an extra mile.

“In mine...”

You breathed, voice almost breaking as you did so. For that was when you believed in it so deeply. And before you knew it, you found yourself doing the unthinkable, which you only dared to imagine in the deepest corners of your heart.

Kneeling, you moved towards him. Balancing yourself with one hand on the floor, you managed to wipe the loose strands of hair from his face, his beautiful face. All the while you studied it closely. Those captivating eyes of his, they exuded exhaustion, they exuded pain. Your fingertips bravely grazed his cheek, inciting shaky breaths between one another, all before you dared to press your quivering lips against his own for a kiss. Finally.

When you kissed him, it was gentle, akin to pressing one’s lips against velvet. You made sure all your love, all that was sincere and appreciative were included. Suppressing your greed, you provided yourself with only a few seconds. Pulling away, you pressed your lips, hoping to seal this kiss forever. Pulling away, your eyes was in a dire attempt to express the same. For you knew, you would regret for the rest of your existence if you did not. For regrets were what you did not wish to keep with you.

But when you felt Bruce pull you back by the waist, settling his hungry lips on yours, it was clear he did not wish to regret either.

Bruce Wayne was certainly tired of the torturous waiting, and his kiss translated it perfectly. Without a doubt, you could heartily empathize. With your weight on him, you managed to put your hands on his shoulders, only to wrap them tightly around his neck whilst straddling him with ease.

For a moment you wished this kiss had a better backdrop. If only he could have kissed you in your beautiful, white dress. You wished to be the lonesome beauty standing on the hotel balcony, only to find him rushing over to you breathlessly, pouring his heart out in confession, kissing you with passion. What a sight would it have been, especially with his hands roaming over your curves, feeling the softness of the silk dress, while the pleasing sounds of the water fountain below infuse with the jazz piano inside.

But then again, the reality brought the comfort you never expected. The reality that both of you had shared tonight. First kisses do not exactly magically spawn on the most climactic points of anyone’s lives. It could unexpectedly spawn on the most random moments. Most importantly, on the moments you chose to have it. With you in your leggings and hoodie, and him in his bat suit, both tired and convincingly injured, in the most intimate moment whilst tearing each other’s barriers down, taking the opportunity to display each other’s affection, all in each other’s privacy. Truthfully, the reality was certainly more perfect than any fantasy imagined.

Bruce kissed you long, yet they were sweet. With you in his arms, you felt treasured, for his touch was gentle. As if you were a porcelain doll. His lips may have been desperate, but his touch proved his empathy to your body’s current weak state. And it certainly strengthened your greed for him even more. His kisses intoxicated you, to the point they could be your home for eternity. But the sudden ring of your phone proved otherwise. Pulling away with a groan, you dug into your hoodie pocket.

“Ali?” You answered breathlessly, frustrated to part from his lips. Especially when he watched you, panting.

“Sweetie? You okay?” Ali called with concern: “You’ve been gone for longer than an hour…And I was starting to freak out-”

“Ali! Ali…I fine…” you cut her off, “really…” you chuckled. The fact you still remained comfortable in Bruce’s lap suddenly caused you embarrassment. Mouthing an apology to him, you attempted to get off during the call. But his iron grip on your waist, kept you firmly in place. You blushed instantly. His look of desperation could easily be translated to his fear of losing you somehow, or even to his fear of never indulging in your touch ever again. You did not blame him. The wait all this time was equally cruel for the both of you.

“I’m fine. I just had a detour, that’s all” you told her, “In fact, I’m perfectly safe…safer than ever actually” you added, eyes desperately holding on to his. Deliberately lost in his gaze, you admitted they were dangerous magnets, along with those lips of his that you were tempted to revisit always.

“Sweetie, you’re being very dramatic, you okay?”

“Huh?” You said, awakened by Ali’s inquiry. Clearing your throat, you continued, “Yeah I am, I’ll see ya later, okay? Bye! ”

Hanging up, you sighed, looking down shyly as you put your phone back.

“I should get you home…” Bruce muttered deeply, to which you shook your head quickly.

“No! it’s okay…” You said, “You need rest…” Stressing it, you added,“I’ll get a cab-”

You were instantly silenced the moment he cupped your face. And it was no issue at all. For his touch had power over you. Great power.

“At least…” he began, “…let Alfred drop you…” “Of course…”

Before he released you from his touch, you were tempted to kiss him once more. And you did, ever so gently. And your heart ignited with a gentle flame the moment he reciprocated eagerly.

“Now…” you began, as you got up, “…as much as you look real sexy in that…” You said, pointing at his Bat Suit, to which you both chuckled, “you should still freshen up…”you advised, “…get some sleep…”

Smiling warmly, he nodded in agreement. When you smiled back, your liberated emotions finally managed to reflect through your gaze, finally. After all this time. “Goodnight, Bruce ” “Goodnight...”

A greeting that finally contained true emotion. For it was true. You truly wished him safety, you truly wished him a well deserved rest. You truly wished him peace. For now you knew, and he knew that you knew.

You could not stop smiling as Alfred Pennyworth walked you to the Rolls Royce.

“I know I’m asking for a lot but…” you began, “… could you make sure Bruce gets some rest tonight?” You said, looking at the elder man. 

“Not at all, Miss”Alfred answered warmly, opening the passenger door, “I’m happy to oblige, for Master Wayne’s sake”

A shared understanding between the two of you brought you relief, as you got into the car, ready to head on home.

“Oh! Alfred…I need a favor...” You said, as he started the vehicle.

“Yes, Miss?”

“Do you mind if we stop by an ATM?”

——————————————————

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anonymous-jpeg · 4 years

Text

*beep boop* *robotic voice* here you go

Pebbles skittered as I clung to the side of the building. “This isn’t exactly what I had in mind this evening,” I said, as I made my way around the large edifice.

“Hey,” I asked Robin, “how many synonyms for ‘building’ can you think of?”

He blinked at me. “Why are you asking me this right now?”

I shrugged. “I dunno.”

He let out a long, exasperated sigh. “We are literally in the middle of a job, and you’re asking me about building synonyms?”

“Yes.”

“Well, then. Let me see...um…construction, edifice, hut, architecture, domicile, home, erection, framework, I guess.”

“Hmmm, most of those wouldn’t work for this exact building. I mean, nobody would really call a tavern a home, do you?”

He looked at me, and replied, “First of all, I know you are a good thief, but most don’t make chat during the job. That’s typically reserved for afterwards.”

“What can I say, I’m a special person.”

He sighed, and said, “You got that right. And most taverns don’t have 4 stories. Remind me, why is this one so tall?”

I shrugged, and told him, “I’m not sure, a lot of customers, I guess. It isn’t known as the best tavern for 500 kilometers for nothing. Most only get about 10 guests a night, this one gets almost 75.”

“We should really focus on the task we have on hand, don’t you think?”

I sighed, and said, “Fine. But how much farther do we have to go, anyway?” He reminded me that we had three more rooms to go by before we got to the correct one, and we continued on our way, slowly making progress, just two friends vibing on the wall of a dark tavern. As we were edging our way to our destination, I quietly said, “we need music. Where’s our bard?”

Robin quite exasperatedly replied, “Dude, we are literally thieves trying to be sneaky and quiet so that we aren’t caught. We definitely don’t need a bard right now.”

“But what if we get caught and we need to seduce the halfling?”

“We aren’t going to get caught. The only way we would get caught would be if we had a bard that would make so much noise that everyone in the tri-state area would awaken.”

“That’s fair enough. Well then, I shall hum under my breath.”

“Do not hum under your breath.”

“Fine.”

Each of the rooms had a small balcony, which made moving across them easier. The beginning was the hardest, because we didn’t start with a balcony, but once we got to the first, we could move across it and then jump to the next. We didn’t always make it all the way, but we were careful enough to jump close enough to the wall so that we could land on the small strip of extruded wall and not fall to our likely deaths. I tried multiple times to make small talk, but Robin was not in the mood. He apparently was ‘focused on the mission’ and ‘didn’t have time for my nuisances’. As we got closer, I got quieter, until we were on the correct balcony.

“Now remember,” Robin said seriously, staring me in the eyes, “This particular barbarian is very dangerous. You already know this, but I think I should refresh your memory, just in case you decide to do things because ‘you only live once’. He is one of those very special barbarians that we’ve been tracking, one that covers himself in those runes. They will amplify his strength, and go even crazier than normal.

“Under no circumstances are you to wake him up, do you understand me? He will rip us to shreds, and I’m too pretty to die. To be honest, I don’t think we should be doing this anyway. A little talisman isn’t worth this kind of risk.”

“It is when that ‘little talisman’ could turn him into a hulking rage monster, should he handle it improperly,” I rebuked.

“Oh, so we’re Good Samaritans now, making sure he doesn’t destroy stuff? Maybe we should go down and kill us some dark elves while we’re at it, or go after bandits for the lols.”

“Come on man, it’s not like that. I just don’t want to die because of him, and plus, that talisman can fetch a hefty price. We’re gonna need money if we’re going to succeed in nabbing that staff, didn’t we agree?”

“Yeah, speaking of which, didn’t I only agree to that one theft? The only reason I’m here is because, and I quote, ‘I’d make a mess of things if I went in by myself, and we really need the money it’ll fetch if we’re going to take that staff.’ You haven’t even told me why the staff is special. You’ve been really evasive about it.”

“I promise, it’s for a good reason. Now, let’s focus on what we’re doing here. We need to be careful, and we’re burning moonlight,” I told him. We carefully brushed aside the curtains so we could peer into the room, and saw that the barbarian was lying on his bed, half-naked, his runes glowing softly in the darkness. We started using a system of hand signals to communicate, similar to, but simpler than, the hand code of the drow. We walked softly into the room, my enchanted boots making not a sound, Robin’s normal ones making barely more. We crept through the room, being careful about potential dangers, but not too worried, as barbarians almost never set up defenses because of their overconfidence. I walked toward the closet, which was covered with a curtain, which I pulled back. There was nothing to note, other than a wicked club which was studded with sharp-looking metals. I left everything where it was, except for an orange I found in a bag. Robin clicked softly to get my attention, and then gestured toward the barbarians chest. The talisman lay there, shrouded by chest fur, and quite obviously unobtainable. To try would be to wake up the beast of a man, which was like inviting Death itself into your home.

“I’m going to snatch it and run,” I signalled, to which Robin replied, “NO. No you are not.”

“Get out of here,” I said while creeping toward him, “I know I can make it out, but only if you aren’t here. Go, and I’ll follow.”

He rolled his eyes, but went out onto the balcony and started climbing down. I plotted what I would do, which ended up being pretty simple. I’d yank it off his thick neck, then run and try to jump to the next building. I went to the balcony, and noted the distance to the shop next door, as well as the fact that Robin had made it down safely. I walked back to the sleeping form, and readied myself. Just reach down and take it. By the time he would awake and come after you, you’ll be on the next roof, making your grand escape, and he’ll never know it was you. Go on. Do it. I carefully reached through the hair, and wrapped my fist around the magical thing. I pulled it off his meaty neck and tried to run, but his fist was around my neck before I had taken a step.

He growled at me, very angrily, as the runes started to glow brighter. He marched over to the balcony, and threw me as hard as he could, which was a bit of an inconvenience, but also helpful, because it meant I was no longer near him and his strong grasp.

I hit the ground painfully, groaning. Why did being thrown have to hurt so much? I heard someone running toward me, but couldn’t muster the strength to look at them.

“This is bad, this is bad, this is bad, why did I agree to this, this stupid idiot probably got himself killed, and now I have no one to talk to,” I heard a familiar voice say. Robin knelt down next to me, and, with concern in his eyes, asked me, “hey, are you okay? You’re bleeding quite a lot.” I laughed, and replied, “Yeah, but you should see the other truck. He’s really quite strong, and I don’t think I used that idiom, or whatever, correctly. Anyway, I should probably see a doctor or something, because everything hurts. Also, what’s your last name? I feel like we should tell each other this, because we’re so close. Mine’s Naïlo.”

He looked at me, and said, “Yeah, this is bad. You only ramble this badly when you are trying to take my attention away from something else. In this case, I think you’re trying to keep me from noticing that your foot is backwards.”

I raised my head, and looked down at my body. “My foot is backwards? Huh. That’s why it hurts this much. I thought it was just my entire body. Yeah, we should get to a doctor.”

He grabbed under my arms, and tried to lift me. “OW! Ow, ow, ow. Yeah, that isn’t gonna work,” I said. “Maybe grab a stretcher, or bring a healing mage here?”

“Fine.” He left to do that, and I just laid there, looking up at the stars and wondering why I did things like this. Probably because I’m an idiot. It was actually kinda nice here, kinda calm, relaxing, other than the pool of blood that was getting larger around me and the utter pain my body was going through. Eventually, I fell unconscious.

When I came to, Robin was kneeling over me, as well as a second person that I could only assume was a mage, considering that my body no longer hurt as much.

“Hey,” I said, “is it as bad as it felt?”

“Luckily, no,” he responded, staring at my abdomen instead of my face. The mage stood up, and held out his (to be honest, I have no idea their gender, I never found out, so I’m using male pronouns) hand, demanding payment. Robin handed over a couple gold coins, and the mage left. He helped me stand up, and though I wobbled for a few seconds, I quickly recovered.

“Well, that went well,” I told him, showing him the talisman I had stored in a secret pocket of my clothes. He laughed, and we started to walk back to the guild. “Hey, so what does it do, anyway?” he asked, as he stretched his body toward the sky.

“I have no clue, but I’m sure our client is a good person. She had a good demeanor, don’t you think?”

Robin sighed, and responded, “The only reason she gave us this job was because she had heard your reputation. She literally threatened to cave your skull in.”

I spread my hands, my hair turning pink. “She only said that because I pointed out she had a bird in her hair. What was I supposed to do, not stare at it?”

“She was a druid, obviously. Yes, they don’t typically threaten people, but it is possible she likes animals and hates the more sentient life.”

“Eh, whatever. It’s probably like a spirit gem or whatever druids like. Likely unimportant to us.”

We returned to the guild, slept through the rest of the night, and the next morning set out to find the druid. We found her at a tavern, one a few blocks away from the one we had visited that night. She was at a corner table, staring into her mead and probably thinking some nature-esque thoughts, I don’t know what druids think. When we got close, she quickly looked up at us, looking scared.

“Do you have it?” she asked hurriedly, grabbing at my arm.

“Chill, yes, I have it,” I replied, and took out the talisman. I hadn’t really taken a close look at it before, as I had been busy getting tossed around and/or knocked out. It had the imprint of a unicorn on it, and it seemed to be made of some kind of silver or other such material. She swiped it from my grasp, and just as I was moving toward her, indignant, she pushed a bag toward me. I opened it, saw that it had the correct amount of payment, and looked back up. She had disappeared, which wasn’t surprising, considering how paranoid she had acted, and so Robin took the bag and we left.

When we got back to the guild, we sorted out the reward. It was sizable, perhaps a little more than the amount of work we went to, or at least the amount of work Robin had gone to.

“So, what happens now?” he asked me.

“Well, right now? I am going to go get a new blade,” I responded, “and then another job.”

“Why do you need a new blade? The one you have works fine,” he asked me. I tossed my current sword at him, and replied, “Yes, but I’ve had that one a while now and I’ve been looking at a magical one for a while now. Well, I’m off.”

As I left the guild, I passed Sylvan, a male elf who has constantly tried to one-up me, even though I couldn’t care less about him. I ignored him, even when he tossed his half-eaten sandwich at me. He’s a real jerk, and is probably just intimidated by me. At least, that’s what I’ll keep telling myself until I finally decide to do something.

I found myself at Durtor’s blacksmith shop, which looked the same as pretty much any other blacksmith’s, except with a bit more magic, as Durtor’s specialty was enchanting. He greeted me, and I replied in kind. He asked me, “What do you want, Alushtas? That blade I gave you was supposed to last at least a decade, and it’s barely been two years.”

“That is true, and it was a good blade, but I desire something else. It is fairly special, and will most certainly be expensive, but I’m sure I can pay.”

“Ah? So what’ll it be?”

“I’m not sure exactly what it is called, but I want a sword that can shift dimensions according to my will, such that it will disappear and reappear when I want, if that makes sense.”

“Hmm… I think I know what you are talking about, and you are correct in that it will be expensive. I can make such a blade in about a week, or, if you would rather enchant an existing sword, it would probably take about 2 days to properly set. Which will it be?”

“I want a new blade. You know that the newer a weapon is, the better the enchantment will be. Also, I know you are always working on improving yourself, and I am confident a new sword will be well worth the price.”

Durtor nodded, and turned away. “I’d better get started,” he said, as he moved through his workspace. “But there are a few things I need to know.”

I gave him the necessary information. I wanted, actually, two blades, a shortsword and a longsword, which would “take a bit longer, probably closer to two weeks. This is the stuff you need to tell me at the beginning, okay?” They were to be made out of mithril, a rare ore that “really drives up the price, are you sure? Other metals are pretty good too. Really? Okay, okay, fine.” A few other details were necessary, but not really important for just anyone to know.

Over the next two weeks, I did a few more jobs, but nothing very exciting. I was really just filling the time until I could have my new blades, which I had decided to call my ‘vorpal blades’, because it sounded cool, even though an actual vorpal blade simply could decapitate a person and any of mine could do that if necessary.

After the two weeks, I went to pick up my new weapons. It was a Mountday, and I was, to be perfectly honest, quite excited. I had never had magical blades, as I had thought them unnecessary, but I had made an exception for these.

“You must bind them to your will,” Durtor told me, “or else they will never obey you.” That seemed kinda obvious to me, but hey, it was a fair assumption about my intelligence. “What do I need to do, anyway?”

“You must take hold of one of the swords, with both hands.” I did so, feeling like a paladin or something. “Now, press the tip into your forehead, enough to take a drop of blood.”

“This sounds painful, but most rituals are.”

“Yes, blood is a powerful bonding tool. Now just do it already.” I moved the longsword until the cool metal of the tip rested against my head, and then pressed it as Durtor had told me to. A drop of blood fell onto the blade, and ran down it until it hit the guard, where it soaked in. I felt a shiver go down my spine, as a feeling of openness surrounded me.

“You may feel overwhelmed by the many strange feelings coming over you. This is a synchronicity with the sword, which shares with you the vast feeling of many dimensions. No matter where you go, this blade will follow you, and you will control its power. It is a weapon sought after by many, though as long as you live, only you will be its master. Guard it well, for it is a great tool, and it will guard you as well. Now, the other one.”

We did the same process with the shortsword, including Durtor’s speech, which probably contained power in and of itself. Following that, I followed him to the training arena, where several magical fighters stood at attention. They were unintelligent dummies, set at several levels, for fighting against, both newbies and veterans with weapons. I selected ones about middling level, so that I could practice with these different swords. In addition to the two vorpal blades, I had shield-like protection on my forearms, leather armor on the rest of my body, a dagger hidden on the side of my boot, two more daggers in my coat, and a shortbow slung across my back, with a quiver of arrows. I walked into the arena, readied my swords, and called out to start.

Two dummies ran at me from an archway, one with a hand and a half sword, the other with a club. I quickly checked around me to make sure that no other enemies were coming, and, reassured that these were the only ones here, moved such that the one with the club was directly in front of the sword dummy, thus giving myself one target at a time.

The dummy swung the club at me, which I easily dodged back to avoid, then I rushed forward and plunged the longsword into its chest. It lurched to the side, and I phased my blade so that I wouldn’t be knocked off balance. The sword only contained the weight of the handle when phased, which was good to know, so that I wouldn’t overcommit myself or make a mistake based on weight, and I rolled to the side to dodge the next swing.

Almost too late, I remembered the other dummy, and moved my arm shield to block the strike I heard coming from my left side. I brought my shortsword in, hooked the much larger sword with the guard, and braced myself. The dummy pushed hard, trying to use brute force to overpower my blade, when I moved my body to the side and phased my sword. The dummy fell, overbalanced, and I calmly stabbed it in the head, the only place capable of deactivating them. The club dummy was up now, and coming for me. It brought the club down hard, but I rolled to my right and quickly switched my blades (my typical arrangement is longsword right hand, shortsword left hand). I brought my longsword into the thing’s back, shoved it to the ground, and stabbed it in the head with the shortsword. The fight now over, the two dummies got up and went back to their storage area, waiting for the next fight.

“Impressive,” Robin said, walking up to me.

“Sloppy,” I corrected, panting, “but I can improve. Were you watching the entire fight?”

“First of all, I was talking about the swords themselves. You, however, were terrible. Second of all, yes, I saw the whole thing. Making them come at you one at a time was a good idea, but you have to remember that they are both there. I saw your surprise when you had to block that sword dummy. Good move with the phasing out, though. Could be very useful in the future.”

I shook my head, amazed at what he had said. “Yes, that is why I got them. That is exactly what I wanted.”

He raised his hands, shrugged, and replied, “Hey, I didn’t know what kind of swords you were going for. Two weeks ago, you just told me ‘I want a new magical blade and hey, here’s my current one because I’ve only had it for two years and don’t want it anymore’.”

“That was a pretty good impression of me. Good job,” I said, and he smiled.

“Why do I even hang out with you?” he asked, “because all you do is the wrong or rash thing and never tell me anything.”

“It’s either my winning personality or the fact that you are the one that recruited me into the guild.”

“Well, it’s certainly not your personality.”

“Haha, very funny. Now, let’s go get us something else to do. I’m bored.”

We made our way to a tavern (taverns are great, they are like restaurants mixed with motels, aka motels with good food) and got some food, because it was about midday.

“Hey,” I said to get his attention, “you wanna steal from that dude I told you about right after telling you about getting these epic boots?”

Robin shrugged. “Sure,” he said. “Now, what about this mage do we need to know?”

“Well, they are very powerful and dangerous. Their name is Noxlumos, or the light in the darkness, which is all cool and all, but their staff is the good bit. I’m not sure if it teleports the user, or makes them invisible or what, but I know it doesn’t have a master because I’ve seen multiple people use it. They live at the edge of town, and I know they have very good defenses. We will have to be extremely cautious, but I think we can do it.”

He sighed. “Well, I’ve been waiting for a good reason to die, and this seems like it. Let’s do it.”

As per every mission we do, we had to get the necessary materials. I went to the blacksmith’s again, as well as a magical item shop and a general shop. I made a couple other stops, which aren’t necessary to mention, and I had all my equipment. I met up with Robin at the guild, and used our hand code to ask him whether he had the things I asked him to get. He said that he did, and we were ready to go. When we got near, we saw what we were up against.

They had a large house, more like a mansion, with grass out front, and a stone path up to it. It was very nice, except for the clay golem out front.

“Well, that makes things a bit more difficult,” I said.

“Wait, you did scope this place out first, right? That’s how you knew what to get?” he asked, worriedly.

“Yes, I knew to scope the house out, but this is a new addition. Makes me wonder what else might be in there. Eh, no matter. We got this. Just need to sneak past a creature designed to not sneak.”

He sighed. “You know, I was joking when I said I was ready to die, but hey, whatever. Let’s do this.”

We crept around to the side of the house, and started to climb it. I made it to a second story window, which had actual glass in it, went up onto the windowsill, and waited for Robin to join me.

“Now, I don’t know exactly what we’re going to find here. I know most of the defenses, but I can’t be 100% sure of everything, and the layout of the house and where the staff is isn’t really known to me, except for perhaps an idea based off of other houses of similar construction,” I told him.

“Okay, let’s just go. I’ve resigned myself to this fate, let’s get it over with,” he replied.

I used my shortsword to cut a hole in the glass (gotta love freshly sharpened blades!), and we quietly climbed through. We found ourselves in what looked like a bathroom, except everything was white. It seemed to be made of some kind of stone, like quartz, though much more fragile, from the way it felt. In fact, the entire room was like something out of a fantasy book, with many strange and unknown things in it. We were very confused by the whole thing, and so moved on. We went into the hallway, which was covered in rug-like material, like a carpet over the flooring. We neutralized any alarms we found, and almost activated a few before noticing them

‘This “mage” seems much more powerful than I thought’ Robin signalled at me.

‘Yes, it is possible he is a wizard, but I only knew he used magic, not exactly what kind,’ I responded. ‘Now be quiet. We don’t want to attract attention.’

We continued, looking through the rooms, finding many strange-looking things which we didn’t touch, for we did not know what they would do, and we were too smart to risk it. We found what appeared to be a kitchen, dining room, and living area, but no sign of the staff. Finally, we found a bedroom, which contained the wizard, sleeping in a large bed.

‘Since I have the magical boots and know what the staff looks like, I’ll head in. If I see the staff, I’ll signal you and grab it,’ I told him, and he nodded in agreement.

I crept into the room, careful to make sure my boots made not a sound. I looked around, but couldn’t immediately see the staff. I moved to the side of the bed and looked under it. Nothing was underneath, and so I turned toward the closet that was to the left of the entrance. It was full of wizard clothing, as one might expect, but there was something else that I could make out. It didn’t appear to be the staff, but I was curious. I moved close to the closet, and saw a bow. Well, I thought, that is good to know, I suppose. I looked around again, and saw a chest on the other side of the room, which might contain something magical. I quietly moved toward it, and used one of my charms, which was supposed to Detect Monsters. I had encountered a Mimic before, and had no desire to do so again, especially right next to a wizard. It seemed to be a normal chest, so I used a few more charms to check and neutralize any alarms I could find on it, oiled the hinges so it wouldn’t creak, and then it was time.

I reached for the chest, readied myself, and opened the lid quickly. It is always best to do certain things quickly, similar to ripping off a bandage. The chest opened smoothly, and didn’t seem to trigger any alarms, though I looked at the wizard to make sure they weren’t awake. I looked into the chest and -

“Eureka,” I said under my breath, reaching in and taking out the staff. It was long, probably about 5 feet tall, and I couldn’t understand how it fit in the chest at first, until I realized it was a Chest of Compression, which made items smaller when they are put in them. It was fairly nondescript, a tall, wooden pole, except for the top, where the image of a spider stood, raised on all 8 legs, in bronze. On its abdomen was a gem, and its eyes were studded ruby. I had seen it before, and so knew it was the correct staff, as well as the thrill of power running through it.

I moved back out into the hall after closing the lid of the chest carefully, and signalled to Robin that I had the staff, to which he replied, ‘Well, I think that’s obvious, considering the fact that you are holding it.’ I told him not to be a smart aleck, and we made our way back through the strange room to where we had entered. I wrapped the staff in cloth, strapped it to my back alongside my bow, and climbed back out the window. I quickly made my way down, and Robin followed. We crept away from the house, doing our best not to awaken the golem, and we must’ve done something right, because we made it all the way back to the guild without the beast coming after us.

The next day, Robin came over to my room. I had put the wrapped staff under my bed, where it had lain below me while I meditated. When he got there, I took out the staff, and slowly unwrapped it. In the daylight coming in from my window, we could better see the figure at the top. It was definitely a spider, and the crystal in its abdomen looked like a blue amethyst, in the shape of an hourglass.

“This almost definitely has some kind of symbolism or significance to it,” I said, “but I have no idea what. Eh, I’m sure it’ll come up again later.”

Robin sighed. “That’s a terrible way to go through life, but okay.”

“Come on, man, let’s see what it can do. Actually, scratch that. Let’s check it for malevolence, and then use it!”

We left my room, and went to our wizard’s quarters. We handed him the staff, told him we found it in a shop and liked it, and asked him to check it for anything evil. He found nothing, except that it contained very potent magic, and wondered “what kind of shop will just sell something this powerful?” We shrugged, and went back to my room.

“Well, now can we try the stick?”

“Fine.”

I took out the staff, braced it against the floor, and gripped it with both hands.

“Do I have to say something, or will it just happen, or what?”

“Dude, I have no idea, you’re the one who saw people use it.”

“Okay, I think I just have to concentrate on… something… I’m not sure. Grab the staff as well, just in case, though.”

Robin grabbed the staff, just below where I was holding it, and I, not knowing what exactly I was doing, moved one of my hands and gripped the spider’s body in my hand, on top of the staff. A shiver went down my spine, similar to the thrill of power I felt when I first held it. One at a time, the spider’s legs moved, coming up for a second, and then settling back down on the staff. This freaked me out a bit, though I found that I couldn’t let go of it.

By this point, I was having second thoughts, especially as a wind picked up, circling throughout the room, and the amethyst set in the spider began to glow. Robin had already started screaming, and I was panicking a lot. My eyes wide, I tried to move away, but the staff was firmly stuck, attached to nothing, and I was attached to it, as was Robin. The room started to spin, or at least it appeared to, and colors were flying everywhere, reds and blues mixing and bathing the room in a multi-colored madness. The wind was at cyclone levels now, or so it felt, and my last thought before spinning into unconsciousness was, Please mommy, let me off of this ride, it isn’t fun. I’m guessing I was a little loopy from whatever was happening.

When I woke up, I was in a field. It seemed to be farmland, though the crop was unknown to me. It was tall, almost as tall as me, with some kind yellow thing on the end of long, green stalks. As it hadn’t attacked me, I had to assume it was either a passive entity or inanimate. Robin was laying next to me, with the staff nearby. I quickly rewrapped the staff, which looked the same as before we tried to use it, and tried to wake Robin up.

“Robin!” I said, slapping his cheek, “we need to go!”

“Wh-what?” he said groggily, his eyes opening up slightly. “Where are we?”

I looked around, and saw that it was about midday here, as well. “I’m not sure, but I don’t think it’s anywhere good.”

He got to his feet, I put the staff on my back again, and we started off. After about 10 minutes of walking, we saw something resembling a house, which we stopped to look at, though it was entirely blue and the structure was different from most of the houses I had seen in my life. The closest I could think of was the wizard’s house that we had stolen the staff from, which did not fill me with confidence or excitement.

“Well, we might as well go in,” Robin said, and I sighed and started to walk toward it again.

“Sure, while we’re here in this strange place, let’s go to the random house. That sounds like a great idea, yeah,” I said sarcastically, and we got to the door.

“Should we knock, sneak in, or what?” Robin asked me. I reached up and knocked, for I felt like being dangerous. A few seconds later, a woman answered the door. She was wearing strange fabric, and was very tan.

“Yeah? What do you want?” she asked exasperatedly, to which I replied, “Hello, um, where are we?” She blinked, and then laughed.

“Yeah, a lot of folks get lost out in the country. Your car must’ve broken down, huh? Well, if you follow that road-” She gestured to the side, where a road lay “-for a few miles, you’ll find yourselves in Chicago. Were you going to a convention of some kind? I didn’t know there was a Comic-Con going on around here, but I’m not really that kind of gal, so what do I know? Nice costumes, you must’ve put a lot of work into it.”

“Uh, thank you? We’ll be leaving now.”

“Okay, okay, I’m probably talking your ears off. Enjoy yourselves!”

As we walked over to the road, I mulled over what she had talked about. Cars? Chicago? Conventions? Comic-Con? Where were we?

We started to walk down the road. The sun beat down, burning us up, and strange machines whizzed by us at frightening speeds. Considering what the woman had told us, I assumed these were cars, which terrified me for what might happen should they break down at those speeds. Robin tried to make conversation, but I wasn’t in the mood for it.

After about an hour, we were both exhausted, though, in the distance, we saw buildings towering up into the sky, which I assumed was the city. Half an hour later, we were dragging ourselves up the road, and the city was laid out in front of us. It was terrifying, because wherever we were, the sky was blocked off mostly by the giant buildings, which looked like they were scraping the top of the world. We collapsed beneath one, and Robin almost immediately fell asleep. I, still watchful and cautious of a new place, sat in the lotus position and meditated.

When I was finished, about 4 hours later, I decided to leave. I set up some defenses, though one of my charms didn’t seem to be working properly, which was strange. As I walked through the city, I was glad to know that I could read all of the signs and such around it. It seemed to be in Common, though it possibly had an enchantment to let anyone read it in their main language. There were many strange and disturbing things, and the ‘cars’ seemed to take over most of the walking space. Many people stared at me, but I am used to that, especially because of my hair. I pulled my hood up to cover it, but they continued to look. I was getting pretty annoyed by that point, and so I moved into a building. It seemed to be some kind of clothing store, though not with any kind of armor or protection in general as something important. The main deciding factor in what people were buying seemed to be the design, which seemed inane and unimportant to me, but whatever.

I decided that I needed some new clothes so that I could fit in wherever we were, but I wasn’t willing to give up what I was already wearing. I decided to get a large blue sweater to wear over my clothing, with a hood so that I could cover my hair (and ears, for it didn’t seem like anyone else here was an elf). I decided to get some ‘sweatpants’, simply because they seemed to cover my legs the best while also allowing me to move. I brought them to the counter, where I tried to pay with a couple silver coins, the price I would gauge for the items, though apparently wherever we were used small, green slips of paper as currency. Somehow, I managed to get the clothes honestly, and get out of there. I had to find a place for my bow, which I simply ended up leaving behind near where Robin was, and I had to enchant the appearance of the staff so it didn’t look like it had the spider on it. Other than that, with the clothes I got (I forgot to get any for Robin, though he blended in a little better), I think I fit in enough to not draw too many looks.

When I returned to Robin, he was awake and standing. He looked a little upset, which I suppose he was entitled to considering I had left him alone here.

“So, where are we? Did you find that out when you left me here?” he asked, annoyed.

“Yes, I believe we are in the ‘Chicago’ the woman told us about, and the people here use green slips of paper for currency. Everyone speaks Common, so you don’t have to worry about that, though I only saw humans, not any dwarfs, elves, or even halflings.”

“Could be an entirely human settlement.”

“Maybe, but it seems too large for that. Also, the clothing store I went to didn’t have any armor or defenses at all, only thin fabric like this. In addition to that, some of my charms didn’t work. One of them almost blew up in my face, which definitely isn’t normal.”

“Let’s ask around, see if we can find where we are. We should split up and meet back in, hm, an hour? Yeah, an hour.”

We went in different directions, him down one street, me down another.

“Well, Alushtas,” I said under my breath to myself, “Where should you go to find out information?”

I looked around for a while, and saw some more stores that I decided I would not enter until I had the correct money to pay for items, as well as some residential buildings. Everything was extremely tall, even taller than the tavern we had stolen from weeks ago, and it all confused me quite a lot. Eventually, I found a pawn shop, which luckily didn’t look too different from the ones I had seen before, except for the neon signs and the human pawnbroker (most of the ones I knew were goblins or orcs, for whatever reason). I managed to trade some of my gold pieces for about $150, which seemed like a good amount. By this point, it had been half an hour, but I kept looking around.

After about 5 minutes, I saw a large building, mercifully not nearly as tall as the others surrounding me, but still quite big. By this point, I had decided that either we were in a very far away part of the world, or we had shifted dimensions. I went inside, intent on finding a mage that could help transport us back to Faerûn, but when I got to the person at the desk, who seemed to be someone in charge, all she told me was, “Look, sir (which I did not appreciate), there are flights to San Diego, California, you might find a convention there. I don’t know much about them, but I’ve heard of wizards at conventions.” I thanked her, and booked two tickets to California.

I returned to our meeting location about five minutes before Robin arrived. I told him what I suspected about where we were, and that there were wizards in California that might be able to give us the assistance we needed. He told me that he didn’t find anything, though he also managed to get some money, as well as some food. It was similar to foods back home, but strangely different as well.

We got to our flight a bit late, but managed to board, and it was terrifying! We were trapped in a metal tube, thousands of feet in the air, with nothing to do. It took about four and a half hours, and somehow Robin was able to relax. I hoped that I wouldn’t have to ride in such a monstrosity again, for I didn’t even like riding animals that flew, let alone mechanical beasts.

When we landed, I got as far away from the metal machine as quickly as possible, though I did collect the things I had in my luggage. I am not sure how we made it through security, as it seemed to have detectors of weapons, but I’m assuming Robin used some kind of magic to fool them. It was nearly night, so we looked around and found a place to spend the night. It was a motel, and didn’t cost too much, which was nice. We crashed into our beds, confident that the next day would bring us good fortune.

As an elf, I didn’t really sleep, I merely meditated. 4 hours of meditation for me is about the same as 8 hours of sleep for a human, I believe, and much more productive, for I can think, ponder, and contemplate as I desire while meditating, instead of being dead-brained or dreaming. I woke up much before Robin, and decided to explore again. I left him a note this time, and left the room.

The city was similar to Chicago, but definitely different as well. From what I saw, we were in luck, for the ‘Comic-con’ was going to be in about a week. I didn’t know exactly what a Comic-con was, but from what I’d been told, it definitely seemed like the sort of place where I’d find a wizard. Also, it quickly became clear that we had changed dimensions, and the only seemingly sentient creatures here were humans, with a lot of the other races I knew to exist living only in the pages of fantasy books and games. I found one roleplaying, tabletop game called Dungeons and Dragons, which had a lot of information about a lot of things that I knew about, including my own species. A large world that was a part of D&D, as it was called, was even called Faerûn, which freaked me out. After some thinking, I decided that someone had been to this universe, and created a game based off of our world, giving me hope that they may be able to help us escape.

When I returned, I found Robin eating breakfast. He didn’t seem angry that I had left, especially when I told him what I knew.

“Well, it’s a stretch,” he said, “but I think if an actual wizard was here, they would be at this Comic-con. I found some information, and apparently a lot of people dress up, or cosplay, as different fictional people or species, including, surprisingly, elves. Probably the only place in this realm that you can be uncovered without attracting attention.”

I laughed, and responded, “I think I’ll still attract attention, if just because my elf cosplay is so good.”

“Fair enough.”

We spent the week learning more about ‘Earth’, which is an interesting place. It seemed that magic did not naturally occur here, but could exist. It was what is known as a Chaos realm, where both technology and magic both exist, though magic did not always work correctly because it isn’t natural there. However, possibly because they were designed to go between dimensions, my Vorpal blades worked perfectly, which was wonderful in a world that, while being much more violent than most, absolutely did not tolerate using such blades.

The day before we went to Comic-Con, I believe it was a Wednesday, we really didn’t have anything to do. I was sick of learning about Earth, and Robin had learned as much as he needed to, which was good enough for him.

“So,” he said, walking up to me. I was leaning against a wall of the breakfast area of the motel, eating a bagel with cream cheese. “We have gotten to know each other, and grown, I think at least, to be friends. However, I don’t know anything about your past. All I know is that you are a thief, and a good conversationalist. Tell me about yourself.”

I took a deep breath, and thought for a minute. “Okay, do you want me to start all the way back at the beginning?”

“Yeah, I think that would be a good place to begin,” he said after a moment’s consideration.

“Okay, then. Let’s see… My birth was special, for most elves are born male or female. I, however, was born completely androgynous, with neither sexes’ genitals or anything, in the image of one of the elven gods, Corellon Larethian. At least in my culture, anyone can be anything, and gender doesn’t hold anyone back, though we androgynes are special. Because of our androgyny, we don’t experience puberty like other elves. It is difficult to explain, but the point is, we don’t experience sexual attraction or the normal mood swings or whatever of being a teenager. We cannot be seduced because of this, though I suppose we could be seduced romantically, because we can still feel romantic love. We typically become warriors or something like that, and I later chose to be a thief, because it’s fun.

“In addition to that, I also have my hair. It evidently changes color depending on my mood, which can make it difficult to hide my emotions, though it has helped me become more in tune with them than I believe others are. I do not know why it changes colors, though I have tried to find out in my past.

“I lived in elven woods, for, yes, I am a wood elf, and my woods were fairly safe, and there were some more wild woods next to ours. I believe there were animals there that we didn’t feel comfortable dealing with, and our woods were plentiful enough, and so we were content to stay where we were. There was a halfling settlement in our forest, not too far from the wild woods, and I spent a lot of time there. Some elves lived as caretakers for the young halflings, and one of those halflings was my best friend, a young boy named Tyr. We got into a lot of mischief, which probably got me on the path to be a thief and a rogue. He was a lot of fun, though, one day, when he was a teenager, he wanted to go with his sister and caretaker to explore some ruins he heard about in the wild woods. I advised him not to, as there was a reason we didn’t go there, but he didn’t listen to me. He got his stuff together, prepped himself for the mission, and left. I never saw him again.”

“That’s terrible,” Robin said sympathetically.

“Yeah. He told me he would be back in 2 weeks, but after a month, I was disparaged. After it had been 2 months, I felt incredibly guilty. I felt that if I had gone with him, I could’ve protected him. I left home, for it held too many memories of him, and went out into the world.

“I traveled around a bit, ended up in Ten-Towns, and stayed for a bit. Eventually, I moved on, and moved around more. Finally, I ended up in Calimport, where I became a thief. You heard about my first job, and then I just kind of made my way around until I found my way here. That’s about it for me, I think. What about you?”

Robin sighed. “My story really isn’t that exciting. Still, I guess I can’t dissuade you. I lived with my parents until I was 16, when I was kicked out for being aromantic and asexual. Humans are, unfortunately, much less accepting than other races. Anyway, similar to you, I kinda just went around, being a street rat, stealing what I needed. Eventually, I managed to pull off such a big stunt that, of course, my current guild found and recruited me, just as I recruited you.”

“That is certainly shorter than my backstory, though just as important. I’m sorry about your parents.”

He shrugged, and said, “Eh, yeah, I’ve gotten used to it. It hurt at first, but by now I haven’t talked to them at all, and I’ve understood that not everybody is accepting, and that is something that needs to be changed.”

“I didn’t know you were ace aro, why haven’t you told me?” I asked, cocking my head to one side.

“Didn’t feel the need to, I guess. I don’t know,” he responded sheepishly.

“That’s fair. Anyway, what do you want to do today? We’ve stood here for about half an hour, we still have like 10 hours or something about math and time.”

“Uh, I don’t know, there’s a park somewhere around here called SeaWorld, wanna go?”

I considered for a moment, and then replied, “Sure, as long as we can get in”

We went over to SeaWorld, where we luckily had enough to pay the entrance fee. To write, it wasn’t very exciting, though Robin did try to free the otters: “They’re just too cute to stay here! We have to help them!”. We rode the few rides there were, and in the end, I didn’t really enjoy the trip, because we both felt bad for the animals. When we got back, we reviewed our game plan for Comic-Con.

“So, we’re going to go as ourselves, because lots of people will be like that,” Robin said. “Your ‘costume’ is the best of anyone’s around, obviously, and so you will probably draw a crowd. Do your thing, use those blades, dazzle them. I’ll be looking for anyone that looks like they are too interested in what you’re doing, and approach them. I know what I’m going to say, though I will definitely end up improvising. I’m sure we’ll find someone that can help us.”

“Sounds good, and I’m hopeful we can get back soon,” I replied.

The next morning, we were both excited. We were finally going to get our answers. Fairly early that morning, we set out. It took us a bit to find the convention center, which Robin remarked upon: “This sounds exactly like the sort of thing we should’ve prepared for earlier this week”. I hate it when he’s right.

When we got there, we were awestruck at the spectacle before us. Hundreds of people, dressed as wizards, elves, orcs, comic book superheroes, video game characters, and soooooooo much more were there. Cosplayers of every kind, colors everywhere, it was incredible! I can’t begin to describe the wonder I felt, or everything I wondered at.

“All the hype was worth it,” Robin whispered to me, and I slowly nodded.

“This is… wow,” I responded, my eyes large. The twos of us, Robin and I, walked into the center, and my jaw dropped. It was even better than the outside! So many people, packed into the place! I knew it was big, but now I was wondering how exactly I was supposed to entertain everybody while Robin looked through them.

“Okay, slight change to the plan. I’m going to go up on that stage and begin my act. I’ll invite some people up, do some cool stuff. I’ll use a spell to broadcast my voice, for I think it’d be difficult to get a connected microphone headpiece thing. You get up there-” I pointed up to some of the pathways near the ceiling, probably so that those large posters on the wall could be hung, or something “- and use this charm of seeing” -I produced a small magnifying glass from my pocket - obviously enchanted, not just a magnifying glass “-and scan the crowd. You know what to look for, and, I don’t know, figure out a way to contact them. Maybe you have a charm, or something, I’m not sure. Improvise, you’re good at that!”

“This is a terrible idea,” Robin told me, “and you’re going to get kicked out. Still, I can’t think of a better idea.”

I grinned. “Good, and besides, if I do well enough, they won’t want me to leave. Now go up, and get ready.”

I waited while he made his way through back ways and such, until he was up on the pathways (I should really figure out what they are called, but we don’t have them where I come from, and I don’t feel like learning it). He tossed something down at me, not sure how it got to me through the crowd, and I looked questioningly at him. He mimed putting it in my ear, and it did look like some kind of earpiece. I gently placed it in my ear, wincing slightly, for I didn’t think it was meant for my pointy elven ears.

“Hey,” a voice that sounded like Robin’s came into my ear. I jumped, and looked up at him. He was grinning, of course.

“Can we communicate through these?” I hesitantly asked, to which I heard, while noticing it was definitely Robin speaking, “Yeah, I found a couple earpieces and tuned them to each other. Don’t know how I managed, but hey, if it ain't broke, don’t knock it.”

I chuckled, and responded, “Fair. Let’s get this show on the proverbial road and the literal stage.”

I pushed my way through the crowd, passing Captain Americas, Captain Rogers’, Captain Mal Reynolds’, and many others that were not Captains. Finally, I made my way to the stage. Wondering what exactly I would say, I jumped up onto it, where there were luckily no people, and muttered to myself, “I’m an introvert, and yet I’m here at such an extrovert place, about to do something terrifying. It’s a good thing I really want to get home, and I really hope this works.”

I activated my charm as people looked up at me, wondering what an elf was doing up on stage, and began speaking.

“Hello, all of you. You might be wondering what I’m doing up here on stage. To be honest, I am not sure either, but I think I’m supposed to give a demonstration or whatever it’s called for my cosplay, but they didn’t really tell me. Hey, can I get some boxes or something destructible up here?”

A couple confused convention workers brought up some empty boxes, while I sweated, wondering if I should make a run for it. Somehow, though, nobody came up and stopped me. I wasn’t even sure why there was a stage up here in the first place. Was an event or actual demonstration supposed to happen? Whatever the case, this was working, and I could see Robin up there scanning the crowd, though none of them really should be interested yet.

It was time to change that.

I deftly pulled out my sword, keeping it in this dimension. I did some basic fighter’s moves, which seemed to impress the people.

“This is one of two Vorpal blades of mine. The name is misleading, or rather, does not do my blades justice. A vorpal blade simply is one that has the capacity to decapitate a foe, especially in fantasy games such as Dungeons and Dragons. However, all of my blades are like that.”

A few nervous laughs floated to me. I looked up at Robin for support, and he gave me a thumbs up. He spoke to me, saying, “Now, tell them the special thing and give them a little demonstration.”

“Okay. My blades are special, for they are enchanted. They can change dimensions at my will, and thus pass through objects in this one when I desire, and join back up in this one to cut what I want.”

To demonstrate, I deftly stabbed my sword at the first box, phasing it just before it broke the flimsy cardboard.

“Now, that may not look impressive, as you do not know that my blades do any damage at all, or that these boxes were not staged so I would not appear to do any damage. Furthermore, optical illusions could render it such that I did not stab the cardboard at all, and thus am a fraud. Now, will someone please come up here? I really don’t care who.”

People murmured amongst themselves, until one person stepped forward.

“I will,” they said, and I asked them a little about themselves. They were John, a human male, who came alone, dressed as The Arrow from DC. He loved coming to Comic-Con, and was excited at the opportunity to be a part of what he thought of as a very real and planned demonstration. He came up on stage, and I appraised him.

“I loved your T.V. show,” I said, saying the first thing that popped into my head. I had never seen a single episode, but knew that it was a thing and hoped he wouldn’t question me.

He beamed at me, and said, “Thank you! You are a really good elf!”

“I try. Now,” I directed this at the crowd, “I shall prove, in front of a witness, that these blades are no joke.”

I quickly pulled the handles close to myself, phased them back into reality, and drove them into the boxes. They easily cut through them, for they were designed to cut through things much tougher than some boxes. I then rapidly whirled, phased my blades out of sync, swept the handles just in front of John’s face, and phased them back in sync with the world. I asked a stunned, slightly scared John to touch the blades, and he reported they were very sharp.

“Now, was that an optical illusion? I think not. I am also a great fighter, and master of small charms.” At this, I tossed up a charm I had created haphazardly and quickly earlier, which exploded into a sunburst of light. I had built it to be merely light and not also heat, a better model, I think, than the fireworks of Earth. I pulled another from my cloak, threw it to the ground, and watched as the image of a unicorn burst from it, dazzling the crowd as it dashed between them, an apparition and nothing more. After lapping the center, it returned to the charm, which I picked up. I asked John to return, and I thought about what I would do next.

I heard Robin tell me, “I may have found someone. Here, let me give you some sight.” Before I could protest, I was looking through one of Robin’s eyes and one of my own, which was quite disconcerting. I closed the eye connected to my own vision, and looked through Robin’s. He was looking at a wizard, quite a well done cosplay, perhaps too well done. He was staring attentively at me, but not the same way as the others. He wasn’t awed, or surprised, just kinda wide-eyed, like he couldn’t believe someone else was here. I nodded, prepared for vertigo, and opened my other eye.

After a moment, I noticed the position of the wizard. I noted him in my mind, noted where he was, and whispered to Robin to disconnect us. My vision was yanked back to my own perspective, which was nice, and I prepared my next bit. Everyone was still oohing and aahing at my magic, and so I decided to have a little fun.

“You there!” my voice boomed, my finger pointed at the wizard. He panicked, and I quickly said, “No, please, come on up. I won’t hurt you, I just want another person for my next part. John was lovely, but you look like you know some real magic!” I laughed, and the audience laughed as well. He was pushed forward, and reluctantly got up on stage.

“Now, what is your name?” I asked him, which was the polite way to go about things, I believed.

He glared at me, and responded, “I am Thuzhal, a wizard banished to this realm for many heinous acts.”

“Ooh, nice backstory. I like it! What kinds of acts?” I replied enthusiastically.

He sighed, and said, “Well, people don’t really ask me, so I say they’re heinous. I was just kinda messing around and apparently broke something important, and so I was magically exiled. I was trying to figure out how to get back in, looking through probably forbidden texts, when I tried a spell to return me to the place so I could undo my exile, but it instead sent me across dimensions and I ended up on this technology-ridden, climate-changed planet.”

I clapped, and people in the audience followed my example. “I like that! Gives you an objective, something dark, and just enough flare of mystery. Now, my good sir, I am also not from around here. I was transported here when I tried to figure out the true magical nature of my staff, here-” I gestured at the staff I had leaned against a wall, yes, obviously the one topped with the spider, “-and found myself in a cornfield in Illinois! Naturally, I was confused, as corn does not exist in my world, and I did not know that I had changed dimensions. Now, my man, I believe we can help each other! You know magic and magical items, and I have my staff! Now, for my demonstration…” I decided to try a little something. I pulled out my blades, and concentrated on making them visible, but slightly out of sync with Earth. The sword blades usually became invisible when phased, but I did my best to keep that from happening.

The blades flickered, trying to change dimensions, but I did my best. Eventually, they came into full view, but I passed them gently through my hand to make sure they weren’t physical. I then whirled and, similarly to what I did with John, tried to swing it through the wizard’s neck. However, he was also armed, and so tried to block my attack, which obviously failed. My blade passed straight through him, and he retaliated, swinging a small dagger at me with ferocity and a wild look in his eyes. From the way he handled his blade, I could tell he wasn’t experienced. This was going to end quickly, luckily, I thought, and parried his frenzied swing.

With a series of quick swipes, jabs, kicks, and punches, I disarmed the wizard and sent him to his knees. “Look, man, I didn’t want this to happen. I’m sorry for swinging at you, but it was part of the demonstration. You can get up and help me, or leave, alone, stuck here, probably never to return to your home. Which would you prefer?”

Thuzhal considered my words, and grudgingly got to his feet. I handed him his dagger, which appeared to be made of mithril, and smiled.

“Good, now let’s get out of here. I’m not even supposed to be demonstrating anything here, I just got up on stage and nobody stopped me for whatever reason.” I deactivated my microphone-like charm, and told Robin, “Come on, let’s go.”

He ran into a door, and quickly joined me. I surveyed the crowd, which was full of whispers, no doubt about me and what I had just said. I jumped down, followed by Thuzhal and Robin, and we pushed past the crowd, out of the door, and ran a block before slowing to a walk. We returned to our motel, and I was happy we had managed to complete our goal for that day.

“I’m afraid we may have a problem,” Thuzhal said, walking into the bedroom.

“What kind of problem?” I asked, a little surprised by his sudden entrance and a little frustrated that he couldn’t immediately solve all of our problems.

He winced at the strength of my words, and responded, “Well, I know what kind of magic it uses, and I can partially control it. However, I cannot control the exact dimension. I can make it so that we don’t end up places we can’t survive, like in the vastness of space, or on a planet where the air is poisonous. We will have to travel many worlds until we either get lucky and end up in the right one, or find someone who can use your energy signatures to lock onto our universe. Will that work?”

I thought about it, looked over at Robin, who was sitting cross-legged on his bed, and looked back at Thuzhal. “Well, I guess we don’t really have a choice, so let’s go with that. Do we have any idea how long this will take?”

Thuzhal grinned, and said loudly, “Nope!”

I sighed, and replied, “Well, pack your bags. Might as well get right on down to it.”

We packed the gear we wanted to bring with us, which included some probably illegal items. It has been neglected to mention that these items included two assault rifles, lots of ammo, a couple grenades, a few other guns, including a sniper rifle and a pistol (of course we also had plenty of those ammos as well, and I intended to get a blacksmith or something to break them open and figure out how to make them and potentially augment them/the gun.). There were others, but I shouldn’t really mention them.

We gathered behind the motel, in the parking lot, after checking out and getting our stuff all ready. I readied myself for what was about to happen, planted the staff at arm’s length in front of me, and Robin and Thuzhal both grabbed it. After exchanging grim looks with both of them, I grabbed the spider, and it did the same thing as the previous time we used it, though the eyes seemed to glow brighter and the wind seemed stronger. I closed my eyes, and wondered what would happen on the other side, just before I lost consciousness.

When I returned to consciousness, I was confused. The sky was a pastel purple, with red dots swirling through it. It seemed like some kind of strange dream, and its colors were chaos. The ground was some kind of acid green, and there were portable toilets everywhere. They were in every shade, from green to blue to pink to yellow. I closed my eyes, as I felt a migraine coming on. I shaded my eyes and reopened them, looking at the ground for Robin and Thuzhal. I found Thuzhal covering his eyes, peeking through his fingers at the landscape, and Robin was still passed out on the ground. Oh, and, by the way, Thuzhal is a human.

“This is a strange world you have brought us to, elf,” he told me, and I followed his gaze. I had originally thought that the toilets were just sitting there, but as I really looked at them, I saw that they were moving. There was even a small village, made of what I couldn’t say, as there wasn’t a tree or rock around. Even the ground itself was a deep green, and made of a substance I couldn’t make out. It was smooth, and I could push my hand through it, like a partial liquid. It was strange, as none of us were sinking into it, but it didn’t seem like good building material. The toilets weren’t walking, or splitting apart in any way, but just seemed to glide, all of which seemed very strange and impossible to me. When they came to a step, they seemed like they just jumped, but with no downward movement to create thrust upward, if that makes sense.

“Let’s… explore?” I said hesitantly, and Thuzhal strode toward the settlement. I followed him, after a moment’s consideration, and dragged Robin behind me. When we got closer, we could see that it was made of some kind of wood, and so I guessed that they had just taken down any trees in view. It seemed similar to a Wild West town, minus the dust everywhere, horses, natural colors, or people. I was quite unnerved, and moved close to one of the johns.

“Uh… hello?” I said (asked?) hesitantly. It’s door turned to me, and it seemed to make an annoyed, squishy sound from within it.

“Do you guys have any wizards or magic folk at all?” I asked it. It moved toward me, making angry sounds from within it, and I backed away. “I don’t think it likes the sound of ‘wizard’.” It moved faster, squishing louder, and other toilets started coming over. I pulled Robin into a fireman’s carry on my back, and readied one of my blades.

“We should get out of here, Thuzhal,” I told him, and he nodded, his eyes frantic. I turned and ran, but there were toilets everywhere.

“No time! We have to do it here!” I shouted, and he grabbed the staff. I shrugged Robin forward and held his hand around the pole, and grabbed the arachnid on top.

When I awoke, I simply lay there. I didn’t really want to open my eyes and find out where we had landed, but I suppose it would have to happen eventually. I slowly opened my eyes, and squinted at the bright light coming from the sun… suns? There were two shining orbs in the sky, one more yellow-y, and one more orange-y. It was very hot, and the ground was grainy. When I looked at the landscape, I saw that we were in a large desert of sand, and there were a couple houses in the distance. It looked like about midday, but I couldn’t be sure how long the day lasted, so it would be best to start moving. I got to my feet, and noticed that both Thuzhal and Robin were still passed out.

“Hey,” I said, shaking Robin. He stirred, and started moving. I moved over to Thuzhal, and patted his shoulder.

“Wakey, wakey, time to get up sleepyhead,” I told Thuzhal, and his eyes snapped open, then quickly shut.

“Where are we, and why is it so bright?” Thuzhal said, and Robin nodded in agreement.

I shrugged. “I’m not sure, but there are some houses over there, we can ask them. I hope it goes better this time than last time.”

Robin looked confused. He held up a finger, and said, “Last time? Do you mean Earth?”

I was also confused for a second, before I remembered that Robin had been asleep the previous dimension.

“Well, we travelled dimensions, and you know how we always fall unconscious when we do that? Well, you were asleep while Thuzhal and I almost died from sentient Porta-Potties.”

This only served to bewilder him even more, and I described the events that had taken place in the strange, colorful dimension.

“Anyway,” I said, finishing up, “we should get moving. We aren’t going to kill ourselves, after all!”

With that lovely remark, we started walking toward the houses. It was extremely hot, hotter than Calimport, even hotter than California in summer. I didn’t know how people handled it, but then I thought, perhaps the people here are different and more adapted to this environment.

After probably 15 minutes, we got to the houses. They were strange, quite small and kinda dome-like, circular, with person-height walls and a sloped, domed kinda roof. It was similarly colored as the sand, probably so that it could blend in, though the satellite dish looking thing on top of it kinda ruined the effect. It was silvery, and very much did not blend in.

“Sh-should we go in?” I asked tentatively, and Thuzhal marched forward, grinning. “Um, is that a yes?”

“I recognize this place!” he said in response, and knocked on the first door. I rushed toward him, but it was too late.

“HOW, exactly can you recognize this? You’ve never been here! You were directly transported to-” A thought rushed into my mind, causing me to stop in my tracks. “It’s like Faerûn, huh? Someone came from this world, or travelled here, and made a story or whatever based on this place?”

He slowly nodded, and simply replied, “Star Wars.”

The door opened, sliding to one side, and a man came out. I hadn’t seen a lot about Star Wars, but there were a lot of cosplayers at Comic-Con that I had recognized as probably being from this universe. The person that opened the door looked like Obi-Wan, except his hair was black. I blinked, for, while it was true I didn’t know much about Star Wars (already mentioned, but it makes this sentence flow better. Shut up, stupid), I knew that: 1. He wasn’t supposed to be on Tatooine until much later, when he looked old with white hair, or something, and 2. His hair was brown, not black. All of this was very confusing, especially once Qui Gon Jinn walked past, asking, “Who is it, honey?”

“U… u-um, I’m Alushtas, and these are Robin and Thuzhal,” I stammered, my eyes searching for answers I doubted I would easily find.

“Ah, hello! What lovely and strange names! What can I do for you?” he asked nicely, and I looked at my companions.

“Uh, can we come in? I think we need to talk to you,” I said kinda randomly, for I was still very confused and needed to figure out what was happening.

He smiled, and ushered us in. “Honey, come meet our guests!” he said, and Qui Gon walked back in.

I looked back and forth between the two men, and I asked Obi-Wan, “Why does he keep calling you ‘honey’?”

They looked at each other and smiled, and Obi-Wan told me, “Well, we were dating for a while, but then this wonderful man approached me, what, probably almost a year and a half ago, and proposed to me! Of course, I said yes, and we’ve been living here ever since, happier than ever!” Qui Gon came over and hugged Obi-Wan deeply, and the two men sat down on a couch, holding hands.

Thuzhal looked confused as well, though I had realized that this was not the normal Star Wars universe I knew, and the wizard asked, “Where is Luke? I thought he lived here.”

“Well, yes, he has, but once he married his spouse, they’ve been travelling the galaxy. Would you like some blue milk?”

“Uh, sure,” I said, and Obi-Wan waved his hand. A glass came over to me, as if by magic, and I sipped it warily. It was good, similar to Earth milk, but more coconut-y.

“Soooo, who has Luke married, anyway?” I asked Qui Gon, taking a longer drink from my glass.

“Oh, he ran off with that hooligan, Han Solo, for a bit, but he came back eventually, and told me they were getting married. I was shocked, for it seemed sudden, but they were happy, and so we gave them our blessing,” he replied, and I, suddenly realizing something, asked another question (we really wanted to ask questions, I guess), “So what happened to Chewbacca?”

“Ah, good old Chew. They are going around the galaxy, exploring, happy by themselves. They liked Han, but they always felt less, you know? They are very introverted, and just like to explore. They find people difficult to understand, and they’ve told me that everyone just goes too quickly for them. Last I heard, they were going to Coruscant, which is nice.”

“Mhm. Anyway, you guys haven’t mastered inter-dimensional travel yet, have you?” I asked, realizing that, while cool, this place wasn’t really gonna help us.

“Unfortunately, that project was shut down because of its possible repercussions and side effects and all that,” he told me, “did you need something like that?”

I shrugged, and said, “Yeah, it would’ve been nice, but I think we might be able to manage. We should be going, though. Thank you, both of you, for everything.”

Qui Gon smiled at us, and asked, “Are you sure you want to leave? We’d be happy for you to stay.”

I sadly smiled back at him, and replied, “Yeah, we need to go.”

We said our goodbyes, and left. When we were out of sight of the house, it was probably about midnight.

“Well guys? Shall we?” I said, holding out the spider-adorned staff.

We travelled through many more dimensions, probably more than I could ever describe. As we travelled, and got used to dimension-hopping, we slept for less and less time, and eventually simply got tired, and then slightly dizzy.

Something that I have talked about, but not really explained, was that Earth was a Chaos realm. This means that both magic and technology work there, though there are other realms in which magic works and tech doesn’t, ones where tech works and magic doesn’t, and ones where neither work. However, this is a flawed perspective. It is one described by wizards of old in my world (yes, interdimensional travel isn’t completely unknown back home in Faerun), and their experiences in other realms.

This is flawed for a couple reasons. It isn’t so simple as just ‘technology and magic, or one, or neither’. Magic can take many forms, and magic that works in one place doesn’t necessarily work in another. In the Star Wars-like world, there were Jedi that could manipulate objects using their mind and what they called the Force, which seems to be a type of magic. Meanwhile, my own magic could have been unstable or unusable, because it is a different world than mine. Similarly, magic could exist on Earth, though its inhabitants didn’t usually have it, leading to unpredictable results. I was lucky that only a couple of my charms failed or had issues, and not more of them. There were many other forms of magic, but to go into detail would take too long.

Technology is also a difficult thing to pin down. It’s basically just the application of knowledge for practical purposes, and so almost anything creature-made could be said to be technology. Again, some technology could function in some places, but not in others. Some steampunk worlds, for instance, couldn’t ‘fathom’ the existence of further innovation, like cars or computers. Other worlds were stuck in the Stone Age, and in some, not even bird’s nests could be made. I am not sure what would happen if one tried to make a bird’s nest in that world, but I had decided not to find out.

As we went along in our journey, I collected items. I wanted mementos of our travels, and hey, they might be useful in the future. Unfortunately, I wasn’t always able to pick things up, whether because of being chased by the inhabitants of the world or something else (and if you’re wondering if I took something from the Star Wars world, yes, I palmed a handle-looking thing with a button from a counter). This led to some fights, some running, and some pain. Still, I wanted certain items, like I think one was called a “Babel fish”, which allowed me to understand others, no matter what language they spoke.

Something that I realized was that no matter where we went, some items were still able to be used. I eventually figured out that it was because they were dimensional items, which transcended some of the ordinary rules of the realms. We started with two - the staff itself, which is a good thing, because otherwise we would’ve ended up stranded on a random world. The other was my Vorpal blades, which was nice, because I liked them. However, the realm we received the third (and fourth and fifth?) dimensional item(s) was very… strange…

We had come from a world of robots. There wasn’t a single human, elf, dog, orc, sentient species of any kind, or really any organic being that we found. Everything was automated, and seemed as though there had once been people, but then they had left, potentially leaving the robots there to keep things up until they returned. However, we realized that it was unlikely, if not impossible, that a machine could bring us home, rather than magic. Therefore, we left pretty quickly, though not before I got a small bracelet that had nanotech that could form a dagger in my hand in a millisecond, which could be quite useful.

When we arrived in the new realm, we found ourselves in a smallish room. There was a bed of flowers, yellow flowers, illuminated by a fairly dim light coming through a hole in the ceiling of the room. Actually, it seemed more like a cave, though we couldn’t really be completely sure. There was a hallway, or corridor, or whatever to our right. We went through it, and found a doorway.

We went through it, and walked through a system of rooms, some of which had puzzles, and traps, though none of them actually hurt us (well, except for Robin, who got a sprained ankle after falling through some leaves). We saw beings, some might call them monsters or abominations, which had very strange physical makeups. This wasn’t really uncommon for us to see, because of everywhere we had already been, but weird stuff is weird. One had a large eye as most of its body, and another looked similar to a frog. They ran from us, so we didn’t have to worry about fighting them, and when we got to the end of the rooms, we came to a small house.

We tentatively opened the door, and found the house deserted (or at least visibly so, and nobody came to the door to see who was there). There were stairs leading down to what I assumed was a basement right in front of us, a living room looking area to our left, and a hallway to our right. It seemed like an odd way to set up a house, but again, lots of places were quite queer (in both senses of the term).

Anyway, we entered the living room. There was a table with chairs, bookshelves with books on them - “How to Cook Snails, Snail Basics, Meals with Snails?” -, and an armchair in front of a fireplace, fire included, which seemed like a fire hazard, but whatever. We didn’t find anyone, so we went through the door leading out of the room (not the one we entered).

We were in a kitchen, which seemed normal, except the stove didn’t work, there was white fur in the sink, and a pie on the counter. There was a faint smell of pie crust and cinnamon in the air, and I took a slice for later, in case I might want it (hey, I’m a thief, what would you expect, perfect morals?). We went back to the first room, and entered the hall.

There were three doors, two of which were bedrooms. We decided not to explore them, though one looked more like a child’s bedroom and one like an adult’s. The third was locked, however, and had a sign that read, ‘Room under Renovations’. Because there was no more of the house to explore, we went down the stairs to the basement.

There wasn’t really an actual basement, as far as we could tell. It was a long hallway, which, after walking the entirety of, showed us a doorway, similar to the one at the entrance, which we went through, as we didn’t want to walk back. We found ourselves in some kind of snowy, forest-y area, though, when we looked up to the sky, we could faintly see a cavern roof.

I’ll spare you the details, but basically, we went through this region, a very wet, cave-like region, and a very hot area. In the hot area, we came across a laboratory, which we chose to go into. It had a large video screen, seemingly inactive, though I couldn’t tell its use. As we continued walking through the building, we saw a cluttered desk, a bag of dog food(?), and a dark hole in the wall. When we got to the hole, the door to a bathroom hitherto unseen opened, and a tall lizard woman (?) came out. She looked quite surprised to see us, but hurried over nonetheless.

“More humans? This is quite unusual… umm… hello? Who are you?” she asked hesitantly.

“I am Alushtas, and I am not a human… which I only tell you because I don’t know why. I am an elf, This is Robin, he’s a human, and Thuzhal, whose race I never actually found out, I think,” I responded.

“And I would prefer to keep it that way,” Thuzhal said, smiling and extending his hand toward the person. “And you are…?”

“Oh!” She blushed furiously. “M-my name is A-alphys, and I’m the-the royal scientist for King Asgore.”

“Oh, that’s cool. Do you guys have any, you know…, magic?” I asked Alphys. We seemed to do a lot of questioning in these worlds, and not much else.

“K-kinda, we have magical a-attacks and the like, and fire magic, and probably other kinds.”

“Oh.” I must’ve looked really sad, because she immediately responded with, “B-but that’s okay! Here, I can improve your phones! You… don’t… have phones? Um, I can get you phones!”

She rushed upstairs up an escalator, then quickly came down another closer to the entrance. She was holding three small objects, which I assumed was a phone, and hoped her word for phone meant the same thing it meant for me, because it could be useful. It seemed that way, so yay.

“Here! I have a phone for each of you! Y-yes, I had them l-laying around… anyway, they can text, access the internet wherever, access special Dimensional Boxes, defuse bombs, and activate a jetpack! Here, t-take them!”

We each took a phone, and I immediately checked out the Dimensional Boxes. They each had space for 8 items, seemingly no matter the size, which didn’t make sense, but whatever. There were 3 boxes, which was nice, so I didn’t have to worry about 24 items taking up space in my Bag of Holding.

“Sweet, thank you!” I said, and she blushed again. “Oh, don’t worry, I just like helping people! S-speaking of which, there was this human that came through a bit ago. Have y-you seen them? I think Toriel is coming after them, and I’m a b-bit worried.”

Thuzhal and I exchanged looks as Robin looked between us. “No, we haven’t seen anybody except a couple dudes back at that purple place,” I told her, and her eyes widened.

“O-oh! You n-need to go… I’m s-sorry I can’t help more! Now, g-get out of here!”

She pushed us out of a back door, while I protested and tried to ask her about dimensional travelling. She didn’t listen to me, and locked the door after us.

“Well, now what? Do we go after the human? Do we go see the king? Do we leave? What do you dudes think?” I asked, looking at Robin and Thuzhal, whose backs were to the lab.

“I think I can help!” a cheery voice said from behind. I whirled around, dagger forming in my hand. A little yellow flower had popped up from the ground, and it had a face which was smiling at us.

“I’m sorry, who are you?” Thuzhal asked, suspicious of the small being.

“I’m Flowey! Flowey the flower! You were just talking to that overgrown lizard, huh? Don’t listen to her, she doesn’t know what she’s talking about!” the golden flower told us.

“Um, she seemed nice, while you were insulting her. Not really the way to play the ‘nice guy’ card,” Robin interjected.

Flowey gave a wide smile, and said, “Oh, sorry. We all insult her, ‘cause she’s senile and ignorant of the world. Even nice old King Asgore cracks jokes about her!”

By this point, I was very unsettled, but decided to humor Flowey. “So, you said you can help us. How?”

“Easy! The rules down here are simple. You k i l l, o r y o u b e k i l l e d.” As he spoke, his face grew ugly, into a mixture of a smile and a look of utter hatred. He sent little white bullets at us, which we tried to dodge, but some still hit us. They really hurt, and it felt like my life force itself was being sapped. I swung my dagger at him, but he popped back into the ground and back up a bit further on.

“Hope you guys have fun! See ya later!” he said, smiling, and vanished into the ground.

“That… was horrible,” I said, and both of my companions nodded.

“We should leave and never return.” Again, they nodded.

I pulled out the staff from my Bag, held it out, and we did our thing. However, as we began to flicker out of the strange, underground world, none of us noticed the edge of a flower root curling around the base of the staff.

From there, we continued on our way, oblivious to our nefarious passenger. After that moment, I’m not sure where exactly he went, so let’s ignore him for now, eh?

We travelled more, were attacked, Thuzhal broke a leg, Robin scared a cat badly, almost starting an apocalypse… anyway! We picked up another passenger on another realm, though this one was like Thuzhal - a nice one, which would be invaluable later on!

The previous dimension wasn’t very exciting, and as such won’t be talked about. Only the finest highlights here! I remember something about big dogs, though, so that was nice. Anyway, back to the important one.

We arrived in some kind of stronghold. The room we were in was deserted, luckily, and there wasn’t a lot around. There were some unlocked cases that had ammo in it, which was nice, because my guns were running out of ammo. There were also a couple of… vending machines? Except, one of them dispensed different shields and healing items, and the other sold… ammo and grenades? What kind of world was this? There was some kind of human height machine, though we couldn’t ascertain its purpose. It was next to a small set of rickety stairs, which led up to the vending machines. A carpet led to the right, where a small building stood, and two entrances stood to each side of it. The building was more of a hut made of metal, and didn’t seem to serve any actual purpose.

Now that the description is out of the way - wait! To be clear, we were in a building, and the roof was not far from our heads, and pretty much everything was metal. It’s difficult to describe, as that’s not really my strong suit, but I do my best. I’m alluding to what this place ended up being, because it does exist on Earth to some extent, and so maybe you’ll figure it out. Think of it like a puzzle, or a mystery. If you fail, either you didn’t know the game (whoops, I said it was a game! There’s another hint!), or I’m terrible at explanations, or you didn’t know the specific place. Maybe you’ll realize later what I’m talking about. Maybe not. By this point, I’m not sure I really care. Anyway!

We walked through the door, and immediately were fired upon. There were bandits everywhere, and they were shooting at us. We ducked behind some metal thingys sticking up from the ground, which shouldn’t have stopped bullets, but the improbable had decided to visit us today.

“What kinda world is this, where we don’t even get to introduce ourselves before people hate us?” Robin shouted at me.

“I know, right? At least hate us for who we are, not just because we exist. However, the fact that we simply appeared in their encampment might have to do with it.” I replied, pulling out my assault rifle from my bag.

“Don’t do anything stupid!” Thuzhal warned me, and I smirked at him.

“When have I ever done anything stupid?” I said, and peeked out from my hiding place. They just kept firing, not caring about hiding behind barriers (That was the word! I guess it isn’t perfect, but words never are). I was peeking through a small hole in the thing, and pushed the barrel of my gun through another hole in it. I aimed carefully, adjusted for the simple fact that my eye was further from the barrel than normal, and started firing. Some of them ducked behind cover, though some just stood around, and there was a big one with a body shield that didn’t need something so trivial as cover.

My bullets didn’t seem to be harming them, however. I pulled the still-warm muzzle of the rifle out of the barrier, and told my companions: “My bullets don’t seem to be harming them!”

“Well then, try something else! Something magicky!” Robin yelled at me over the loud clamor of the guns.

“We don’t know the rules of this place! It could go horribly, or not work, or work perfectly!” When I saw the look he was giving me, I conceded, “Of course, if they shoot us full of holes, it won’t matter whether or not we use magic. And, if it fails, maybe it’ll take them out, and not us!”

I pulled my bag of charms I had collected over in front of me, and sorted through them. I had one that summoned a lion, but there were a lot of guns, and I wasn’t sure any animal could survive long enough, plus I like animals. I found one that would explode, but I didn’t want to blow us up as well if I could avoid it. Finally, I found one that released gas that would immediately knock out anyone that inhaled, and worked through gas masks and stuff as well because magic. I readied it in my hand, glanced through the hole so I could aim, drew back my hand, and -

A humanoid figure quickly appeared at the entrance I had come through. They were slashing a sword through the air and pretty much staying in the same place, which seemed like a bad idea considering there were a lot of dudes with long range weapons. The bandits started shooting at this new and very much visible opponent, and bullets ripped through them. They didn’t flinch, and kept swinging their sword randomly, until they flickered, and disappeared. At the same time, a sword materialized in the back of the big, heavy dude with the shield, coming straight through his heart and out of the shield.

As the shield dude toppled to the floor, a person flickered into view. They looked the same as the one that used to be in the doorway, and I later realized it was a hologram, used as a deception for the actual fighter. The bandits looked toward them, confused, and the figure regarded them, then spoke:

“How are you doing? I need to kill you right now. It’s not personal.”

They suddenly flashed into action, a gun appearing in their hand. They jumped toward me with inhuman strength, turned toward the bandits, and started shooting at them. Their bullets were much more effective than mine, and quickly dispatched the bandits. One of the bandits managed to hit them, but the bullet hit a blue field that… just showed up? Like, there was nothing, then just as the bullet hit what was previously invisible, it flashed light blue.

“Um, hello? Thank you for saving us. Who are you?” I asked once all of the bandits were dead.

“My name is Zer0. I am searching for the Vault. And now, who are you?” said our mysterious savior.

“Well, I am Alushtas, this is Robin, and here is Thuzhal. We are trying to find our way back home, but so far ‘here’ doesn’t seem to help.”

“You need to find your. Way home? Might I be able. To help you in this?”

“Your words sound jilted and strange. Does that have a reason? I’m not trying to be insensitive, but I want to know,” I said, to which Zer0 started moving, agitated.

I should probably explain. Zer0 didn’t really appear human, but perhaps like a human in a suit. The suit was blue and black, with a belt, and down the legs there was a bag for holding, probably, ammo, and something was strapped to the calf, with a brace, or pad, or something on it. They had a smooth faceplate, and the head overall looked like mostly glass and metal. On their elbows, they had some kind of a spike, and they had 4 fingers (Eh, by this point it’s pretty obvious I’m bad with description. Go look up Zer0 using that computer or phone you’re using. From Borderlands 2). On their face played emotes, in this case a question mark.

“I can only speak. In haiku, I am not sure why. Part of my being?”

“Anyway, you said you might be able to help us? What do you mean?”

“There are things out there. That you will need help killing. I’m bored, something new.”

“Um, okay… we won’t be staying here unless you guys have inter-dimensional travel… are you sure?”

“Yes, I am quite sure. I thought it over quickly. I don’t want to stay.

“The search for the vaults. Is fruitless, and as such I. Shall move on elsewhere,” he finished, in his strange, haiku way.

“Are you sure? I think I’ve played this game, and you end up finding the vault.”

“Fine, I just want to. Avoid this fate, which I have en-. -dured too much before.

“This game has three modes. Regular, true, ultimate. I’ve done them too much.

“I am bored of it. The same thing over again. Won’t continue this.

“I will go with you. Help where I can with my skills. Have new adventure.”

I smiled at them, and replied, “That sounds good. We might even be able to help fix that haiku voice, and let you speak as you want. Anyway, I guess... you’ll be joining us? That sounds... good… Oh! Though it isn’t permanent, I have a charm that might help you communicate for a bit… “ I rifled through my bag, and withdrew a specific charm. “Here you go!” I said, as I handed it to them.

It seemed to kinda soak into their hand, and their faceplate displayed an exclamation mark.

“Ah! What… happened? That was weird. I can speak… normally now? Now that I can talk normally, I can explain myself. I have destroyed BNK3R, killed the Warrior, and taken Handsome Jack off the face of Pandora way too much. I am as powerful as I will get, and killing bandits only gets old. I want something new, not involving Vaults or psychopaths. This seems worthy.”

“Okay… then… I suppose we might as well go? Not much else to do here, from what you said.”

“Yes, let’s.”

We did our thing with the staff, and left what Zer0 later told me was called Bloodshot Stronghold. What a place.

From there, we continued our journey, and, while each of these dimensions is important, it must be annoying to read, like “oh come on! Either say all of them or write barely anything!” Eh, whatever, I’m writing it how I want.

#Dee's story #Alushtas #Here #have my story #all of what i have #Dimensions and Dragons

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maggiemaybe160 · 5 years

Text

Here There Be Monsters

This fic is for @representation-week hosted by @specialagenrin and @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover Also read this fic on Ao3 The road is dark and stretches out in front of Dean. Sam is quiet as he reads a book on his phone, his head bobbing to the music that Dean is playing at, what Sam would call, a reasonable volume. Dean drums his hands on the wheel and sings along. It’s not good and it will never get better, but who’s he trying to impress?

The case they just wrapped up was an easy one. One that literally took a whole two days to complete. A werewolf had moved in on a small-town high school and got too greedy to cover his kills. Dean had actually expected to be there longer, but the case had wrapped itself up with a bow.

Dean’s phone starts ringing. Sam looks up from his phone and over at him as Dean fumbles in his pocket.

“Hello?”

“Agent Young?” Jake, the teenaged survivor from the werewolf attack answers. Dean’s stomach drops. He’d given the kid a card with his number in case he found the werewolf again before Sam and Dean had a chance to kill it. They’d killed the monster, but Jake was calling.

“Are you okay?” Dean asks, his eyes already darting to checking for a place to turn around or make a quick exit.

“I need help.” There are no other cars on the road. Dean spins the wheel, turning the car all the way around and speeding down back the way he came.

“Text me where you are. I’m on my way, okay?”

“I’m hurt,” Jake says, his voice small.

“I’m going to help you. Just tell me where you are and hang in there, okay?”

“Okay.” He hangs up and Dean tosses his phone to Sam.

“What’s going on?” Sam finally asks, waiting for Jake’s text.

“I don’t know. Another werewolf? Was there more than one?”

“I didn’t think so?”

“Remember that kid? The one in the hospital when we got here? He just called and said he needs help.” Dean presses harder into the gas pedal.

…

Sam and Dean had rolled into town for a werewolf attack. There was a body found that looked like “a wild animal attack” except for the fact that the heart was missing. When they’d arrived at the hospital to see the vic, there was a kid that caught Dean’s eye. He was covered in bruises and bandages and telling the nurse that she wouldn’t believe him if he told her what happened.

“You go,” Dean told Sam who nodded. Dean tapped on the door and the nurse looked up. “Hi. Agent Young. I need to ask him a few questions to follow up on a report if that’s alright.”

“Of course,” she said after glancing at the badge in his hand.

The kid eyed him warily. He was somewhere around sixteen with glasses in front of his brown eyes. His messy brown hair reminded Dean of Sam when he was that age. He sat down in the chair next to the bed and he stuffed his badge back into his coat.

“Know why I’m here?” Dean asked. The kid shook his head, his lips pressed together in a firm line. “There’ve been some attacks in the area. I think you know something about them.” The kid looked down and back up quickly. “What’s your name?”

“Jake,” he answered after a moment.

“Alright, Jake,” Dean nodded. “How’d you break your wrist and ribs?”

“No one would believe me,” Jake said adamantly. His eyes were filled with tears that he wouldn’t cry and Dean felt for him. He’d obviously seen something.

“Try me. You’d be surprised at the strange things I’ve heard and seen.”

“Really?” Dean nodded and Jake swallowed hard. “It was a monster,” he whispered. “It had big claws and sharp teeth. It was strong and fast. I don’t know how I got away.”

Werewolf , Dean silently confirmed. “I believe you. My partner and I will find it. If you see it before we do, can you call me?” He had taken out his card with his cell phone number.

“Yeah,” Jake promised, taking it.

“No bites?” Dean asked.

“No,” Jake laughed a little, wincing at the pain.

“Scratches?” Dean asked, a small smile tugging at his lips seeing that the kid still has a sense of humor even though the questions were serious.

“No. Get outta here, man.” Jake waved him off, keeping the card in his hand.

“Alright. I’m goin’.” Dean left the room and sighed inwardly. It’s hard when innocent people are involved. It’s worse when it’s kids. They know what they saw and they know how messed up it is, but they can’t tell anyone. Adults don’t believe their own eyes, spinning a safety net of lies for themselves and everyone else. Teenagers are told by everyone older than them that they didn’t see anything like that. They just have an active imagination. They should stop lying to get attention. It would be easier if they were lying. Then they wouldn’t have to be traumatized by the things that go bump in the night and suffer silently.

…

The second time Dean had run into Jake was the following morning at the high school. The attack had taken place at the high school and Sam had narrowed down his theories to the attacker being a faculty member. The first bell hadn’t wrung yet and Jake was out in front of the school, sitting on a bench with the black cast on his wrist already shining with three silver signatures. If only silver sharpie worked against werewolves.

“What’re you doing here?” Jake asked when Dean had taken the empty seat beside him. Sam had headed into the main office to explain their visit.

“Nice to see you too,” Dean said. “Working. Going to talk to some of the teachers, see if they know anything. Any ideas on who we should start with?”

“I don’t know who you should start with, but the teachers don’t know shit,” Jake said with a shrug.

“Why are you even back at school right now?” Dean asked. “Shouldn’t you be at home, soaking up the sick time while you watch daytime soaps and nap?”

Jake looked down and shrugged. “I’m fine,” he mumbled. Dean didn’t believe him. How could he? He’s been there and he says those words all the time. He rarely means them.

Sam had motioned for Dean to join him, their investigation ready to begin. Dean nodded to Sam and stood up, turning to Jake. “I have to go to work.”

“Wait.” Jake pulled his backpack onto his lap and rummaged around until he pulled out a sharpie. “Wanna sign it?”

“Uh, sure.” Dean took the pen and fought himself over how to sign his name. He almost always signed D.W. He couldn’t do that today. Sure, he signed his fake names on the official papers when lying to the government, but this was different. He signed it, Dean .

“Thanks,” Jake smiled, taking his pen back.

“See ya around.”

…

When Sam and Dean had shown up to the school after hours to gank the history teacher, Jake had still been there. School had let out hours ago, but he was sitting at the bus stop, a book propped open on his lap.

Dean hadn’t crossed the street to say hi or ask him what he was doing there. They had a teacher to apprehend. By the time the fight went down, Jake had been picked up by the city bus and was probably, hopefully, on his way home.

…

“Or the teacher had a partner,” Dean says out loud as he looks for the right street to turn down to find Jake.

“Or he’s also a werewolf,” Sam offered unhelpfully. “Maybe it’s a trap. Did you check him?”

“Of course I checked him, ” Dean lies. He turns and sees Jake. He’s sitting on the ground, his back leaning against the side of a closed convenience store. “Lookout,” Dean orders Sam as he gets out of the car and goes to Jake.

“You came,” Jake says. His face is covered in blood, his eye bruised and puffing up.

“What happened?” Dean asks as he kneels in front of him. “Where else are you hurt?”

“I lied,” the kid says, his voice shaking. Dean freezes but he doesn’t answer, waiting for the rest. “I’m sorry I lied.” Tears start rolling down his face, mixing with the blood.

“Hey. It’s okay. Just tell me what happened.”

“There’s no monster,” Jake confesses. “There’s a lot of monsters in the books I read. I like horror sci-fi. The world is better in the books. It’s safer, you know?” He wraps his arms around himself protectively, not bothering to wipe the tears from his face as the quiet crying turns into gulping sobs.

Dean doesn’t know what to do. Sam is far enough away that he can’t hear the conversation and Dean shoots him a warning look to not come over. This feels private.

“Who did this?” Dean asks gently.

“My dad,” he says finally. It’s a punch in the gut. Protective rage wars with childhood memories in Dean as he clenches his jaw. “I didn’t think he would hate me. I didn’t think he could hate me. But then… I told him I’m… I’m bi.” He winces and looks at Dean as if looking for the same reaction from Dean as his father had given him.

“Come here,” Dean says, opening his arms. Jake immediately curls into him, sobbing into Dean’s chest as he allows himself to be hugged.

“H-he threw me down the stairs and… kicked me at the bottom before he took me to the h-hospital,” Jake says and Dean holds him tighter. “I came home today and he… he just kept punching. H-he said I’m sick. That he’s going to do this every day until I’m f-fixed.”

“Listen to me. There is nothing to fix,” Dean says. “I’ll get you out of there,” he promises. Neither of them says anything as Jake lets himself cry and calm down. Sam looks over and Dean gives a small nod. He’s got this. Sam nods back and gets back in the car.

“What if I am?” Jake whispers once he’s taken a few deep breaths.

“You’re not.” Dean hesitates, his eyes going to the stars above them before he asks, “Am I?”

Jake pulls away a little, wincing, his eyebrows drawn together as he looks up at Dean. Dean looks back, looking past the deep cut in his lip, the black eye, and the other cuts and bruises all over his face. “What?”

“My dad was like yours, and I believed him for a while. I thought I was sick. I thought I was broken. He made sure I thought no one could love me.” Dean clears his throat. “I’m not sick. And I’m not broken. I am bi.” It lingers in the air for a moment. He’s never said it before, though he’d come to terms with it ages ago. And here’s this kid who was as beaten down as he once had been.

“So,” Dean sighs. He looks over at Jake. “I think we should take you to the hospital and figure out where you can go from there.”

“Yeah,” Jake agrees, nodding a little as he wipes his face with his sleeves. “How?” he asks, skepticism shadowing his face suddenly.

“I can take care of the paperwork and the cost,” Dean says. “I just need to know who will take you in. Relative? Family friend? Friend? Once that’s figured out, my brother Sam and I will help you get your things and make sure you’re safe.”

“You can do that?”

“Yeah.” It’s just forged documents and expedited because he doesn’t have to answer to the government, but he and Sam have done this before. Even if Dean has to take Jake in himself, he will never allow his father to touch him again.

Dean stands and helps Jake up carefully. He gets into the back of the car, sitting right behind Dean.

“This is my brother, Sam,” Dean says, turning in his seat. “Jake,” Dean says to Sam. “Relocating him after going to the hospital. I think he needs stitches.”

“Hi, Jake,” Sam says. Jake nods but keeps his face mostly turned toward the window to hide most of the damage. “What happened?” Sam asks Dean.

Dean shakes his head. His lips are sealed. It’s not his place to say. “Do you have a list of who you think you could go to?” Dean asks instead, glancing up into the rearview mirror as he drives.

“A few,” Jake says.

…

Dean has never been asked to stay with someone else while they were helped at the hospital. He’d never stood beside someone as their cuts were sutured together, his hand being used for comfort. Jake grabs his hand when he sees the needle. Sam stays outside, calling the people on Jake’s very short list to find him a new place to live and putting out an arrest warrant for the abuser as Dean remains at Jake’s side.

They successfully got Jake out of that house and into the loving home of an aunt on his mom’s side. They drove Jake there, Dean unwilling to take this kid out of a bad situation and into an equally horrible one.

His aunt is short and has the same olive skin as her nephew. Her dress is long and flowy and her hair is held back in a loose ponytail. She’s sweet and welcomes her nephew with open arms, briefly shaking hands with Sam and Dean as she steps aside for them to enter her living room.

They all sit down in the living room. Jake sits next to Dean on the couch while the aunt and Sam each take an armchair. Before anything else, Jake makes it clear that he has to tell her the truth before he can stay with her.

His shoulders tense as he defends himself against possible rejection and he breathes for a moment. “The reason I can’t stay with Dad is because I’m bi.” He swallows hard and looks at her. “Dad did this to me because I’m bisexual.”

She lets out a gasp, covering her mouth. Her eyes shine with horror-filled tears and she stands up to go to her nephew. He stands and hugs her. Dean can hear her whispering her promises that he’s safe now. He’s safe.

Sam and Dean give her the proper papers and Sam brings in the suitcases with Jake’s things from the car. It’s a short visit. Just long enough to make sure he’s going to be alright.

“Alright,” Dean says when all’s said and done. “If you need anything, you have my number. Be safe, kid.”

“Wait!” Jake calls when Dean makes it outside. Dean turns around and waits for Jake to catch up. “That’s it? That’s goodbye?”

“How do you want to say goodbye?” Dean asks. Jake hugs him tightly and Dean hugs back.

“Thank you,” he says, his voice muffled by Dean’s shoulder. “For everything.”

“I mean it. You have my number. If you need it, use it.” The voice Dean uses can only be described as a dad voice, though he’s never really used it.

“I will.”

“Be safe, kid.”

Jake takes a step back and stays there, waving with his good arm as Dean drives away.

…

“I thought the case was over days ago,” Cas says when Sam and Dean arrive back home at the bunker.

“Yeah, me too,” Dean says.

“What happened?”

“Dean has a soft spot,” Sam answers. “Just be glad we didn’t come home with a teenager.”

“What?”

“He was in trouble. I had to get him out of there,” Dean defends himself, unpacking the ammo bag in the armory.

“Is he safe now?” Cas asks. Dean looks up and realizes they’re alone in the armory together. His eyes connect with Cas’ and he can’t look away. He never can.

“He’s safe,” Dean nods. “He came out to his dad,” Dean sighs. “His dad is a lot like mine, only his dad doesn’t hunt.”

“Are you okay?” Cas asks.

“I’m glad it was me. I’m glad I could help him, but it hurt. It hurt to see it the other way around. I was that kid. The one with the bloody face and the abusive father. I was the one brushing it off and hoping he would hate me less as time went on.” Dean shrugs. “I’m glad it was me.”

Cas wraps his arms around Dean and presses a kiss to his cheek, another to the corner of his mouth, and a final one on his lips. Dean leans into his boyfriend, their foreheads pressed together. “I’m glad it was you, too. You saved him. You saved you.”

Representation Week Tag List: @peanutbutterandgrapejelly @all-or-nothing-baby @petrichoravellichor @i-know-like-four-things @i-miss-balthazar @fantastikitty7 @is-jus-me @hexlorde My Tag List: To be Added like/comment/reblog the post on this link @jemariel @blueeyesandpie @anarchiana @samatedeansbroccoli @localgaycatastrophie @fandom-is-my-middle-name @soloarcana @destielhoneybee @destiel-honeypie @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @spn-bitchh @awkward-penguin-in-a-trenchcoat @skittles-rainbow-cat @kingofmyimagination @k-lewis @castibella-shipper-of-the-lord @aestheticallydyke @righteouscomeuppancejogstheliver@deanwinchesterswitch @adventurous-blob @iamcharliebradburylevelperfect @ain-t-bovvered @royalrowena @telefunkies @em-thechaoticplant @canadduh-fics @alex-alison

#representation week #maggimaybe160 #bisexuality #dean winchester #bisexual dean winchester #castiel #cas #dean x cas #dean x castiel #ao3 fic #angst fic #hurt comfort #original character #original male character #original bisexual character #supernatural fanfiction #spn fanfic #homophobic john winchester #homophobia

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literary-masochism · 4 years

Text

Midnight Sun: Chapter 2 - Bella is an Eldritch Abomination

So... I managed to finish the first chapter with only a day break in the middle of it instead of the year or so break I had to take with Twilight. I was hoping that, since this chapter starts off in a completely original place that it'll be... I don't know... less painful? Easier?

That was a lot to hope for, wasn't it?

Instead, it took a bit over two weeks to get through this chapter. It'd take me an hour to get through a page because of all the bad.

But hey! I got it done and now I can enjoy a nice slice of red velvet cake.

Chapter Two: Open Book

Edward, unable to control his 'monster', has fled to Alaska where he can mope while blending into the snowy scenery like the lump of ice he is. He's slumped down in a snow bank, describing it as 'velvet under his skin'. Not sure how because he's definitely heavy enough to crush snow into slush but I guess Meyerpires are Tolkien Elves as well.

Also, Meyerpires see stars as if they were pained by Van Gogh

The sky above me was clear, brilliant with stars, glowing blue in some places, yellow in others. The stars created majestic, swirling shapes against the black backdrop of the empty universe—an awesome sight. Exquisitely beautiful. Or rather, it should have been exquisite. Would have been, if I’d been able to really see it.

But, of course, Edward has to ruin it by doing this:

When I stared up at the jeweled sky, it was as if there were an obstruction between my eyes and its beauty. The obstruction was a face, just an unremarkable human face, but I couldn’t quite seem to banish it from my mind.

Another vampire by the name of Tanya (further proof that Meyer subconsciously hates someone (me) that she's never met – Tanya's my given name) is sneaking/not sneaking up on Edward's mope party and... there's a line I'm a bit confused by...

I think Edward's calling Tanya 'exquisite'. I guess Edward just learned that word from his word-a-day calendar because he's used it 3 times already and it's been a bit more than half a page.

She mentally calls out 'Cannonball' and does a flying jump into the snowbank and, in an astounding turn of events, she doesn't land lightly on top of the loose snow, leaving no trace of her dive but instead actually sends up a spray of snow over Edward because fuck that guy.

Sorry, not snow but 'feathery ice crystals'.

Edward sighs and accepts his fate of being mildly snowed upon as the face of the Void haunts his every thought. Or something.

Tanya, concerned that Edward was becoming one with winter and would soon be lost to them all, digs him out of the snow and apologizes, saying 'it was a joke'.

He assures her it was funny (it wasn't) then continues to cry into his metaphorical pint of ice cream.

They have a short conversation about how Tanya thinks she's annoying Edward by coming onto him nonstop and Edward admits to being uncomfortable by it. Tanya isn't used to rejection and mentally gives Edward a slideshow of all the sex she's had over the years.

Gross. And also sexual harassment.

Edward mopes about how much of a coward he is and how, no matter where he goes, he'll just be running away from Forks. Tanya tells him to grow a pair and just go back to Folks (not those exact words) and tries to steal a liplocky kiss which Edward dodges.

With her plan to deflower Edward thoroughly ruined, she pouts with a 'you're welcome, I guess' and leaves – hopefully to never bother us again.

She was on her feet in one nimble move, and then she was running away, ghosting across the snow so quickly that her feet had no time to sink in. She left no prints behind her.

Fucking Elves...

Anyway, Edward curls up in a fetal position to stare in the general direction of the stars that he can't see because the Void takes up all his vision.

He finally gets off his ass and Legolases his way back to the car and every Tolkien fan weeps.

I just want to point out that Tolkien elves leave no footprint because they are considered otherworldly and are three quarters literal spirits.

Meyer considers her vampires to be 'of science' (and I'm assuming Meyer means the kind of science that says the earth is flat and vaccines make you autistic). Now, I admit I'm not the best at math or science but...

Bull. Shit.

The implication here is that the vampires are going so fast over the snow that their feet don't have time to sink into the snow and leave a mark. But the thing is: it's not an issue of speed, it's an issue of weight. Running is basically pushing your weight forward and to do that your feet push down. The more you weigh, the deeper your feet sink in.

This is powdery snow. A too harsh sneeze is going to leave a mark.

This is not the first time Meyer has a problem with her overpowered vampires and them breaking the very basics of physics.

No, Meyer, Edward can't run into the bathroom, fill up a glass with water, and run back to Bella's room in a blink of an eye. Yes, Edward can be that fast... the sink isn't.

Sure, Edward can hear any other human on the road and adjust his driving that way... can he hear the deer that might be crossing in front? And even if his reflexes are the fastest in the west... a car has momentum and inertia that has nothing to do with vampire speed/reflexes/whatever other excuse.

If I was doing segments or counters or something, this would be the first in “Meyer doesn't understand basic science'.

Please, let me know if I'm wrong about this. I'd love a science lesson on things like this...

With that out of the way, I checked the leaked PDF for this part and... some of the trash was taken out. That's something at least.

Anyway, back in Forks...

The Cullens walk into the school cafeteria (calling it 'run-down' which is the only time I can recall it being called such) like a bomb is about to explode at any moment. Alice is so focused on watching the future that Jasper has to lead her around by the arm. Emmett is walking around like a bodyguard and Rose is already done with this bullshit.

Way to not draw attention to yourselves.

We also get told that they actually had a very fun morning, having a snowball fight (aka pelting Edward with snow until that got boring) and how it's such a drastic change from how tense everything is now.

Meyer, you know what would have really set off that difference? IF YOU ACTUALLY WROTE THAT INSTEAD OF TELLING US IT HAPPENED.

I can even tell you how to do you could have done that while adding to the tension. You could have had Edward waiting by the car since five in the morning after having Esme and Carlisle give him a pep talk all night and hearing Emmett and Jasper plotting ways to break the tension. You can have him getting annoyed by having to avoid the snowballs before finally getting into the car to put a stop to it. You can have Esme thinking positive thoughts at him and giving him a thumbs-up while they drive away.

You could have had character, relationship, and world building but... no. No, instead we get straight to the whining, no more aware of just what is at stake than we were before.

This writing fucking sucks.

Edward listens to all the thoughts around him. He's absolutely certain Bella told everyone how he traumatized her with his mean looks so surely everyone would be gossiping about them!

Have you see how mean he looked at Bella a week ago?! Surely they're not human if one of them can give a random girl such a mean look!

You see how stupid that is, Meyer?

A normal girl would have asked around, compared her experience to others’, looked for common ground that would explain my behavior so she didn’t feel singled out. Humans were constantly desperate to feel normal, to fit in. To blend in with everyone else around them, like a featureless flock of sheep. The need was particularly strong during the insecure adolescent years. This girl would be no exception to that rule.

bEcAuSe BeLlA iSn'T lIkE oThEr GiRlS.

Also, fuck you.

Edward is amazed by how shy Bella must be to not have told anyone that he gave her a nasty look! He wonders if she told her father but decides she must be closer to her mother but he'll have to read Charlie's thoughts just to be sure.

Edward, of course, doesn't know Bella holds her father in contempt and seems to utterly loath him until the plot requires otherwise.

As he's listening to the entire student body, he informs us that, a week ago when he went to Carlisle to get his car, they had a talk about how vampire powers always got stronger and never went away which was what Edward was worried about.

WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE TO SEE THAT TOO!

They're all amazed that Bella didn't spill the beans about how mean they can look at people. As Bella's coming in, they all try to act normal.

So Emmett throws a snowball he had hidden in his ice-cold hand and threw it at Alice who, seeing it coming, flicked it away so that it flew across the very large room and hit a brick wall... cracking said wall.

You maybe be wondering why the snowball didn't break as soon as it hit her fingers... Shut up, that's how!

“Very human, Emmett,” Rosalie said scathingly. “Why don’t you punch through the wall while you’re at it?”

“It would look more impressive if you did it, gorgeous.”

Okay, I can forgive it for this line.

Edward checks to see if their 'acting' worked. Bella is standing in the lunchline – not moving at all to the point where people have to check to make sure she didn't have a stroke or something. Bella claims she feels sick and Edward gets a rage boner over Mike getting worried for her.

Also: Translucent skin.

Edward realizes he was showing human emotion by worrying about Bella so much that he calls himself an idiot for acting like the 'dimwitted' Mike Newton and vows to stop worrying about stupid things aka Bella.

We know how that goes.

And, in case you forgot/didn't know that Emmett killed a little old lady...

“Ease up, Edward,” Emmett said. “Honestly. So you kill one human. That’s hardly the end of the world.”

“You would know,” I murmured.

Emmett laughed. “You’ve got to learn to get over things. Like I do. Eternity is a long time to wallow in guilt.”

Also, does Emmett not know that Edward went on a murder spree? Emmett, we know, killed two people, maybe a few more... Edward killed, at least, a several dozen.

Edward don't feel guilty about shit.

To help make them look normal, Alice throws ice in Emmett's face so he shakes his head, releasing a 'deluge' of melted snow everywhere. Apparently, Emmett's head can hold a lake's worth of water or Meyer doesn't understand what 'deluge' actually means.

Also, the Cullens are notorious for being closed off, strange, and weird. From the first chapter, they sit in silence, not talking to each other, not even looking at each other. Wouldn't this sudden play fight be so out of character for them that it would draw the entire of... everyone in the room? This would be like if your stern, religious grandmother decided to throw a rave.

Somehow, no one else seems to notice the extremely out of characterness of the Cullens but Edward does catch Bella looking at them again. Edward tries to listen to her thoughts because maybe this time it'll work.

Guess what? She's still a void.

What follows is Meyer trying really hard to make Jessica unlikable to retroactively make Bella's assholery towards her in the previous books seem justified.

Edward catches on to Bella trying to ignore him. When lunch is over, the Cullen's stay at their table, waiting on him to decide what he's going to do and...

Would I go to class, sit beside the girl, where I could smell the absurdly potent scent of her blood and feel the warmth of her pulse in the air on my skin?

'feel the warmth of her pulse in the air on my skin'

I know what Meyer is trying to say but... there are a LOT better ways of saying it.

The whole Cullen family discussed what Edward's choices were and the consequences would mean... also pointing out that they are all, more or less, monsters who don't give a flying fuck about humans in any meaningful way. If ants could give a fuck, the Cullens would give less of a fuck than an ant's fuck. That's how little fucks they give in regards to humans.

Carlisle disapproves but isn't going to stop Edward if decides to get to chomping.

Jasper disapprove too but more in a 'Why does Edward get to kill people but not me?' kind of way.

Rosalie wonders how Edward fucking up is going to ruin her day.

Alice is useless (as always)

Esme thinks Edward 'can do no wrong' so I guess she'll probably be very proud and impressed by how good of a murder he is. I mean, he did murder her abusive ex-husband...

And Emmett was just remembering all the murdering he did and how fun that was and decided to poke the bear that is Jasper into remembering how tasty humans are.

So, yeah, fuck all these guys.

I don't think I touched on this previously but I know pointing out the monstrous things the Cullens do seems counter-productive and hypocritical. Vampires are monsters and I'm angry they act like monsters? No. I'm angry because they claim they're not monsters and then wave off whatever evil they do as inconsequential because of their lifestyle.

A vampire wants to be good? Great, I want to see that conflict in their nature. I want to see them fight against their nature and see the guilt from their past. I want to see the pain and struggle so that we they fail or succeed it has a real, emotional payoff. I love those stories.

The Cullens... don't have that. There's lip service towards it but it's only skin-deep. None of them really seem to care about human lives (Bella being the exception) and it shows. They may act nice enough (and barely even that) but that doesn't make them good.

Their search for redemption/a normal life/whatever else they claim to want is like a smug billionaire talking about how they had to settle for the solid gold napkin rings because a diamond encrusted one clashed too much with their aesthetic but that's the price one has to pay I guess. Life truly is suffering.

Their sincerity rings false and it shows.

Back to this shit show and, in a genuinely surprising turn of events, Jasper 'Murder-boner' Hale tells Edward to take it slow, maybe even go home. Yes, Jasper is a bit smug that Perfect Edward was struggling but it's still better advice than any of these other murderers have suggested.

But, of course, Edward's pride is more important than these insignificant humans so he stays.

Edward decides to go, of course he does, but he also remembers how he promised himself that he wouldn't get 'unduly interested' in Bella because she's the void. He seems to have forgotten that, in the same breath, he vowed to figure out what she was thinking no matter what.

(But we already know everyone in this book has a selective memory when it comes to moving the plot along.)

He wonders if staring into the void will somehow help him figure out what she's thinking.

He hurries his butt to class, making sure we know what each individual 'sibling' feels about this. He gets to class before it starts and sees Bella doodling on her folder. He thinks that this will be a peek into Bella's thoughts...

… and he's disappointed that it's just circles within circles (though now I wonder if a picture of the drawings from The Ring might not have been better). He does the thing I hate where Meyer sucker punches us with a hint concerning Bella's actions from the first book: he concludes that she must to be thinking of something other than what she's actually doodling.

As he sits down, he notices her 'deer in headlights, if I don't move the car can't see me' approach to being near him and, in a moment of true human emotion, he promises himself he'll try and leave a better impression this time so she's not so scare of him.

Just kidding, he's going to leave a good impression to gaslight the fuck out of her into thinking she just imagined him giving her a mean look.

He gives her his most polite smile, careful not to show his teeth. I don't know why because Meyerpires don't have fangs.

Bella stares at him in wide-eyed confusion which is, apparently, the exact expression he's been daydreaming about for the last week.

...okay? Weirdo.

He stares into her eyes, telling us all the shades of brown they are (milk chocolate but clearer like tea because I guess Meyer didn't realize tea can be pretty dark) and about the flecks of color in them that isn't brown (basically bright green and yellow only described with more purple prose) and never realizing that means her eyes are hazel which I find hilarious after the big deal they made about losing Bella's dark brown eyes due to the food meter vampire eyes they have.

To Edweirdo's surprise, he finds he can't hate her anymore.

I approve because at least we get to see this tiny bit of actual falling in love here that was, as far as I'm concerned, completely and utterly absent in the rest of the series. Seriously, it was getting awkward with them getting married and her pushing out a kid and I'm still waiting for any hint that they're actually in love.

It's a nice change of pace.

Edward stares her into submission and claims he didn't have a chance to introduce himself and, being the gentleman he is, he reminds her of her own name, in case she forgot.

Bella, having forgotten that new students usually get introduced to the class and that, after a week of being at school, most people would know her preferred calling... asks how the person sitting next to her knows her nickname.

I must have truly terrified her, and this made me feel guilty. I laughed gently—it was a sound that I knew made humans more at ease.

“Oh, I think everyone knows your name.” Surely, she must have realized that she’d become the center of attention in this monotonous place. “The whole town’s been waiting for you to arrive.”

The thing is: she does know she's the center of attention because she bitched about it nonstop in the first book! Which makes the 'Isabella/Bella' thing even more stupid.

She frowned as if this information was unpleasant. I supposed, being shy as she appeared to be, attention would seem like a bad thing to her. Most humans felt the opposite. Though they didn’t want to stand out from the herd, at the same time they craved a spotlight for their individual uniformity.

Fuck off! Just fuck off!

I had to take a break after that stupid just so I could deal with the stupidity of the rest of the page.

I know it's a stupid thing to get hung up on but Meyer plays Edward knowing Bella's name as the first hint that he can read minds and... it's really not a good example. Especially with how Edward reacts to it:

I’d just realized what her questions meant: I had slipped up—made an error. If I hadn’t been eavesdropping on all the others that first day, then I would have addressed her initially by her full name. She’d noticed the difference.

I felt a pang of unease. It was very quick of her to pick up on my slip. Quite astute, especially for someone who was supposed to be terrified by my proximity.

Yes, you heard it all the time that first day and probably the first day back since that's her preferred name. Everyone calls her that, especially by now. It's not a hard thing to pick up on. Edward acts as though she's going to call him out on his vampirism any moment now. It's not only stupid but it's a bad plot device to try and convince us how astute Bella is when, really, it's just Edward being paranoid because despite being a vampire around humans since 1920, he has no idea how to act around them and has never made the effort.

To make matters worse, his coping mechanism around Bella is to not breath... and he needs to do that now if he wants to keep talking to her. Because not talking to her would be 'incomprehensible rude'. Because that's what matters here: politeness.

Edward needs a cheekily little breath and...

Ahh!

It was intensely painful, like swallowing burning coals.

Meyer... when people go 'Ahh!' after taking a breath, or having a drink, or anything refreshing really, it's because they're expressing relief... not because they're in sudden pain.

We get the same awkward (in a good way because teenagers are supposed to be awkward) 'Ladies first' exchange concerning the microscope.

Bella just stares at him blankly...

… and having seen the darkness that surrounds and inhabits every living thing in the universe, he says he can start if she likes and to please not consume his consciousness to feed her insatiable appetite.

I added the last part but I feel it was implied.

She insists she goes first and, fearing for his soul/consciousness/whatever, he agrees. She says it's prophase. He asks to check it and:

Instinctively—stupidly, as if I were one of her kind—

Gotta make sure we know he thinks humans are stupid. You know, in case you forgot.

Their hands briefly touch and they're zapped with the Static Shock of Twu Wuv though Meyer plays it off as Bella's skin feeling so hot against Edward's cold, disgusting, yucky, cootie-ridden hand. He wonders what she must think after touching his horrible, icy skin and concludes she must be repulsed by him.

Or, you know, think you were having a snowball fight with your siblings during lunch. Or that you have poor circulation. Or that it's fucking Forks and everything is cold.

Also, Meyerpires's relation to temperature doesn't make sense unless they are a literal heatsink. Their temperature don't settle into that of the area around them, like other dead things/rock, but just absorbs heat nonstop. But that's a complaint we'll see again later.

Terrified that if he glanced into the void once again his mind would become consumed with madness, he does the next slide in their assignment. She asks to check his answer since turnabout is fairplay. Except Edward has, apparently, never heard of this and is shocked that this lowly hooman/eldritch being might think he's wrong!

But he sees the hopeful look on her skinless face and can't help but smile because Mood Whiplash is something else Meyer doesn't get. Bella is disappointed to find Edward is right but decides to spare his sanity in order to fuck with mine:

I dropped the next slide into her palm, keeping my skin far from hers this time. Sitting beside her was like sitting next to a heat lamp. I could feel myself warming slightly to the higher temperature.

THAT IS NOT HOW... HE CAN'T JUST GET HEAT FROM... AMBIENT TEMPERATURE...

They finish the assignment first because of fucking course they did and then we get this:

Wish he’d stayed wherever he went, Mike thought, eyeing me sulfurously.

Mike thought, eyeing me sulfurously.

eyeing me sulfurously.

sulfurously.

THAT IS NOT A PROPER WORD. EVEN IF IT WAS, THAT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE.

WAS MIKE EYEING YOU SO HARD YELLOWISH VAPOR THAT SMELLS OF ROTTING EGGS WAS COMING OUT? DID HIS EYES TURN YELLOW INSTEAD OF YOURS?!

BECAUSE THAT IS EVERY MEANING FOR SULFUROUS, MEYER JUST ADDED 'LY' TO THE END BECAUSE SHE HATES ME AND EVERYONE ELSE.

Okay, I'm calm now.

Edward is surprised about how much Mike seems to hate him. Way to go on that whole 'Keep track of everyone's thoughts in case the townsfolk have a sudden interest in pitchforks and torches' thing.

He's also surprised to find the feeling is mutual. I'm surprised because Edward already hates everyone and everything so why is this new information?

Edward admits he understands Mike's attraction, that Bella is actually kinda pretty for a human...

Fuck you.

...but in an 'unusual' way.

Better than being beautiful, her face was… unexpected. Not quite symmetrical—her narrow chin out of balance with her wide cheekbones

Aka: a heart shaped face which is actually a very common face shape and classically attractive.

extreme in the coloring—the contrast of her light skin and dark hair

Also a very feature that we see over and over again in conventionally attractive actors/models/what have you.

and then there were the eyes, too big for her face, brimming over with silent secrets.…

Eyes that were suddenly boring into mine.

Bella decides to spare his consciousness but only so she could send it out of his body, trapping him in the nothingness between atoms to witness the everlasting and all encompassing void and know nothing else for all eternity.

Nah, she was just wondering why his eyes are all sulfurously yellow and weird looking.

Edward:

We get a long paragraph of Edward explaining that yes, his eyes are different because he ate all the Bambis and Bambis's Moms in the forest though he used more words than that.

He then calls himself an idiot for not realizing why Bella was asking about contacts.

He tells us that in the two years of being in that school that no one every looked at them close enough to notice their eye colors – despite them being extremely beautiful and attractive – because once they get a glimpse of their beauty, they're disgusted by them and have to look away because humans are just so stupid, you know?

Why did it have to be this girl who would see too much?

In reality, she ain't seen shit. Though, with Meyer goggles firmly in place...

The teacher comes to investigate why these two monsters aren't working, being the creep who, according to Meyer, fantasized about Bella, his underaged student, when she first moved to Forks, decides wemins can't science and assumes Edward did all the work.

Upon learning that Bella answered most of them, the teacher reevaluates his life and how, maybe, the female population aren't as dumb as he thought and thus deserve to be more than masturbation fodder for him.

Or Bella can just admit she already did this assignment in her much better, city-based school she went to before, thus helping to undermine her contribution as well as her intelligence.

Neither make Meyer look particularly good because, even if she didn't write the teacher lusting after his students into the text, she did reveal it elsewhere and thus can be argued to be canon.

Also: Banner calls Bella 'Isabella' but he doesn't have the excuse of fleeing the country for a week. Does he never do roll call? Has she never corrected him in that week? Has he completely missed her signing her work with 'Bella'?

Truly, the most mysterious thing that has happened so far.

Anyway, Banner is shocked that Bella's already did the assignment because he pulled it from a senior class...

So... did he not actually tell them what to look for? No chapter to read, no diagrams drawn/projected on the board? He just... pulled out some slides, told them words they might not have even covered, then set them to it?

What a fucking asshole.

Also, googling it I can find lessons on mitosis going back to Middle School.

At this rate the art teacher will be shocked that Bella can draw a triangle.

Also:

She was advanced, then, intelligent for a human. This did not surprise me.

Fuck you.

Banner walks off, muttering to himself about kids these days, not instinctively knowing science because he sure as fuck isn't going to teach it to them.

Edward is ashamed of his 'slips' in the past thirty minutes and is still completely sure that Bella is not only terrified of him but suspects something. He's determined to leave a good impression on her because... gaslighting.

Edward tries some small talk he heard the hoomans around them doing (because after 17 years of BEING human and several decades of pretending to be human, he still has no idea how to human).

He brings up the snow melting and how that sucks, huh?

She stares into his mind and rips every memory, thought, hope, and dream he's ever had and sends the shreds into the void where they belong.

Her reaction of 'Not really' sends him for a loop. Thankfully, he's a vampire which makes him so much smarter than everyone else in existence and he puts together that she's probably from a much warmer place (because her albino skin still seems somehow tanned to him) and thus must hate all this cold weather!

He announces his revelation: “You don't like the cold.”

She agrees and tacks on that she doesn't like the wet either.

Edward's reaction is fucking hilarious:

“Forks must be a difficult place for you to live.” Perhaps you should not have come here, I wanted to add. Perhaps you should go back where you belong.

That was nice, wasn't it? But now we get this:

I wasn’t sure I wanted that, though. I would always remember the scent of her blood—was there any guarantee that I wouldn’t eventually follow her? Besides, if she left, her mind would forever remain a mystery, a constant, nagging puzzle.

But, remember, he's not going to obsess over her just because he can't read her mind.

What I think Meyer is trying to do is create tension via internal conflict but this... isn't how you do that. Not well anyway. All she's done is have Edward mentally contradict himself over and over again. To do this properly, I feel, he should mentally say he's not going to do thing but actually, physically, catching himself doing it.

He can claim he doesn't want to know about Bella's thoughts then try and sneak a peek at her notebook to see what she's written just in case it's not notes.

That's a little bit better than this flip-flopping we got going on now. Not much, but better.

Back to this slop:

Bella shows Edward how Not Like Other Girls she is because she never answers how Edward expects! Because, as we've seen, Edward is just a master of human behavior.

He 'demands' to know why Bella moved here if she hates Forks so much but realizes he probably sounded very rude and impolite.

Fuck off Meyer. I know what you're trying to do but all the 'Oh, that was so rude!' doesn't make this asshole a gentleman.

Bella gives him the 'It's complicated' not answer and Edward 'implodes out of curiosity'. Surely it'd be implodes with curiosity? Or was Meyer trying to be clever and switch around implode/explode without thinking about the meaning?

WORDS MEAN THINGS

But Edward's 'curiosity' overpowers his thirst for a moment and all I can think of is:

Edward assures her he can keep up, mentally rejoicing that she's answering his questions and that, despite it being 'rude', if he keeps asking she just may keep answering!

Edward has just figured out how conversation works. It only took him a century to do it.

She doesn't answer him immediately, instead staring down at her hands. He wants to see into her void-eyes, longing to be reduced to nothingness, to feel freedom from this existence and the prison that is sanity, but he can't risk reaching out to touch her.

She suddenly looks up to meet his eyes. Why suddenly? I think she just remembered she existed and someone asked her a question.

She tells him, sorrowfully, that her mother got remarried.

“That doesn’t sound so complex,” I said, my voice gentle without my working to make it that way. Her dejection left me oddly helpless, wishing there was something I could do to make her feel better. A strange impulse.

Does anyone even use dejected anymore? Or at least not at the intensity that it used to be? Because when I hear dejected, I just think of the 'aw man, I didn't get the lead role in the school play!' kind of sad.

Also, kinda pointless because we know the reason for Bella's 'dejection', is because she just really hates the rain and mocking her father's lack of a love life or relationship with his only child gets old quick.

He asks if Bella doesn't like her new stepdad but Bella corrects him because she actually does like him. Which completely ruins whatever fantasy Edward was concocting in his head that we don't get to read in this first person narrative, it probably was going along the lines of this little tidbit of information:

Originally, Phil the Stepdad was the principal of her high school and there may or may not have been sexual abuse between him and Bella... thankfully, Meyer's editor told her to cut that shit out. I get the feeling Meyer read/heard of Lolita and thought it was a romance.

They talk about Phil some more, Bella smiling every time he's mentioned which is really making me uncomfortable considering the aforementioned information.

Edward is desperately trying to figure out who Phil is by mentally going over not only the professional ballplayer's rosters but the minor leagues as well. Because, as we know, Edward is a huge baseball fan. I mean, all the times he went on and on about his love of baseball in Twilight. That little story about he's the one who was enough of a nerd to get the family baseball jerseys? So endearing.

Too bad it never happened.

Characterization? In Twilight?

He makes the assumption, which he admits is an assumption, that Bella was sent off so her mother could go travel. Bella objects, saying she sent herself. Edward, master human impersonator, doesn't understand why she's upset by his assumption that she's treated as a piece of property to be sent off at the first sign of inconvenience. That's how women are still treated, right?

“No, she did not send me here,” she said, and her voice had a new, hard edge to it. My assumption had upset her, though I couldn’t quite see how. “I sent myself.” I could not guess at her meaning, or the source behind her pique. I was entirely lost.

Oh, fuck no...

There was just no making sense of the girl. She wasn’t like other humans. Maybe the silence of her thoughts and the perfume of her scent were not the only unusual things about her.

It's going to get worse from here. I've been dreading this part.

There's still so many pages in this chapter i'm gonna die

Edward admits he doesn't get it because he's a dumbass so Bella stares deep into his eyes and decides his consciousness isn't worth the dignity of being torn asunder and tells it to him like he's a damn child.

“She stayed with me at first, but she missed him,” Bella explained slowly, her tone growing more forlorn with each word. “It made her unhappy… so I decided it was time to spend some quality time with Charlie.”

“And he has like, pictures of me as a child on the fireplace mantel. Like, how fucking sad is that?”

Edward tells us he keeps saying his theories out loud... like we haven't noticed. Because Meyer has to pad this bitch out somehow and we already know this scene because she's written the same book three times.

Okay, everybody! Who's ready to get pissed off?!

“But now you’re unhappy,” I murmured. I kept speaking my hypotheses aloud, hoping to learn from her refutations. This one, however, did not seem as far off the mark. “And?” she said, as if this was not even an aspect to be considered. I continued to stare into her eyes, feeling that I’d finally gotten my first real glimpse into her soul. I saw in that one word where she ranked herself among her own priorities. Unlike most humans, her own needs were far down the list. She was selfless.

Bella is to selfless as wet is to fire.

I could go on and on with examples but I'm assuming you guys have read Twilight or at least snarks of it. You know everything I could say and more.

Let's just... let's just move on...

Edward says that doesn't sound fair and Bella informs him life isn't fair... Though we know Bella just doesn't like Forks and would throw tantrum after tantrum, ruining the few visits she had with her father growing up until he had to take time off work and spend money he probably didn't have to rent them a place in California for their visits. But sure, she's selfless.

To be honest, I'm not even sure why she said she'd come to Forks. She doesn't like her father so it definitely wasn't to spend time with him. Her mother's a teacher so maybe she didn't want Bella missing school by coming with them even though home school is a thing.

Let's face it, Meyer just needed an excuse to get Bella to Forks.

I was not ready to let this conversation end. The little v between her eyes, a remnant of her sorrow, bothered me. “You put on a good show.” I spoke slowly, still considering this next hypothesis. “But I’d be willing to bet that you’re suffering more than you let anyone see.” She made a face, her eyes narrowing and her mouth twisting into a lopsided frown, and she looked back toward the front of the class. She didn’t like it when I guessed right. She wasn’t the average martyr—she didn’t want an audience for her pain.

What fucking pain? Being slightly damp? Did Charlie forget to get her a pony to go along with the free truck?

Also: what the fuck is a lopsided frown?

Also Also: Fuck off

Edward gloats that he's right and Bella asks why he cares. He completely loses the ability of internal monologue and whispers dramatically: “That's a very good question...”

He wonders, once again, why Bella's thoughts matter so much to him when every other human's thoughts are so completely and utterly insignificant because Humans suck the biggest balls ever.

Also:

I was not used to being the less intuitive of any pairing. I relied on my extra hearing too much—I clearly was not as perceptive as I gave myself credit for.

He thinks he's intuitive... because he can hear thoughts. That's the equivalent of someone just outright telling him what they're thinking. That's not what intuitive means, Meyer!

WORDS FUCKING MEAN THINGS

Is it wrong of me to hope she has Spooky Mormon Hell Dreams?

One musical break later:

Edward is inexplicably amused by the whole situation because Bella's frustrated that he didn't answer her one question that... people usually don't answer... at least not with a real answer. He's finds it funny that she's annoyed when he could easily kill her if he loses focus for even a second and she doesn't even realize it.

He's probably thinking of that Whoopi Goldberg gif and cackling to himself.

Hilarious.

To be even more of a dick, Edward asks if he's annoying her. She confesses that she's annoyed at herself for being so easy to read which amazes him. You get it? Because he can't literally read her thoughts! Because that is literally the only way someone can understand another person. Body language, inflection, and a general understanding of actual human behavior is all fake news.

Edward takes a breather to remind us he isn't alive so using the word 'life' is misleading only he does it in a way that sounds like a whiny emo teen who thinks dressing all in black makes them deep.

Also, this conversation makes no sense.

“Not exactly,” she told me. “I’m more annoyed at myself. My face is so easy to read—my mother always calls me her open book.”

“On the contrary,” I disagreed, feeling strangely… wary, as if there were some hidden danger here that I was failing to see. Beyond the very obvious danger, something more… I was suddenly on edge, the premonition making me anxious. “I find you very difficult to read.”

“You must be a good reader, then,” she guessed, making her own assumption, which was, again, right on target. “Usually,” I agreed.

I'm sorry, what?

“I'm so easy to read!” “I can't read you.” “You must be a good reader then!”

“I'm an okay painter.” “I can't paint at all.” “Your paints must be amazing then!”

“I can sing the alphabet!” “I'm illiterate.” “You must be an amazing writer then!”

“I'm American.” “I'm from London.” “You must be the Queen of England then!”

Okay, I'm going to stop because that is a rabbit hole if I ever saw one.

But don't worry! The stupid isn't over yet!

Her body was closer to me than before, having shifted unconsciously in the course of our conversation. All the little markers and signs that were sufficient to scare off the rest of humanity did not seem to be working on her. Why did she not cringe away from me in terror? Surely she had seen enough of my darker side to realize the danger.

Also, since I had to use a HP gif: Fuck JK Rowling and the transphobic wagon she rode in on.

Edward goes on for almost an entire page about how he shouldn't get obsessed with Bella while obsessing over Bella. He knows he should stay away from her but he wants to know everything about her but also he wants to eat her but no, he can't! But he finds her so fascinating but he can't allow himself to find her fascinating because then he'll surely kill her!

We get it, Edward, you find her fascinating (because of the void) but being close is dangerous for her. You don't have to use a whole page to repeat yourself over and over again.

Much like the first meeting between them, he runs from the room first chance he gets.

I'm hoping that these last few pages will be easier now that Meyer doesn't have to force the narrative to fit with the dumpster fire that was Twilight. I don't think I can take much more of the 'Bella is amazing!' forced-feeding that was going on.

He takes a deep breath and:

Again, I gasped at the clean, wet air outside as though it was a healing attar.

Someone bitchslap the thesaurus out of her hands.

Emmett is waiting for Edward outside their next class. He tells him that Alice ditched the last half of her class, heading toward the science department. Edward hadn't realized how close he was to killing Bella... evidently.

Emmett reassures him that it turned out fine and he succeeded in not killing anyone...

Or maybe you kill her. He shrugged. You wouldn’t be the first one to mess up. No one would judge you too harshly. Sometimes a person just smells too good. I’m impressed you’ve lasted this long.

Enjoy this helping of victim blaming. It's not Emmett's fault he murdered that grandmother! She shouldn't have smelled so good!

Edward claims he's disgusted by Emmett's acceptance of Bella's 'inevitable' death and, because Emmett is also an asshole, vividly starts remembering the time he killed that one lady.

Also:

Emmett remembered the smell of apples hanging heavy in the air—the harvest was over and the rejected fruits were scattered on the ground, the bruises in their skin leaking their fragrance out in thick clouds.

In Emmett's defense:

I know. I didn’t last half a second. I didn’t even think about resisting.

Oh, wait, that's not a defense.

But remember guys! The Cullens are just so good and love humans and don't want to participate in that life of violence and blah blah blah...

The memory causes Edward to run out of Spanish... where the teacher seems to only speak Spanish which... I don't see how that helps someone else to learn Spanish but then again, Forks High School seems to have a 'throw them in the lake and let them figure out how to swim' approach to learning.

Emmett follows after and apologizes for bringing up the memory but also starts to say Edward should just get his murder on because Bella should know better than to smell so good. She's totally asking for it, amirite?

He sends Emmett away and goes to mope in his car. Again. At least he's more productive this time! He gets a head start on stalking Bella, reading the thoughts of everyone in the school to keep tabs on her.

He listens into Mike's thoughts but since Mike is reassuring himself that Bella doesn't seem to like Edward, Edward pouts and turns on some My Chemical Romance or something until school lets out.

Apparently some outside force compels him to get out of his car and lean against it in that particularly douchey way while waiting for Bella to come out of the school. She randomly appears with no lead up, walking to her truck with a frown on her face.

He watches her get in the truck and hold her hands out toward the heating vents and concludes she must not like the cold. You see, the only reason someone who just told you they don't like the cold would use the heater to warm up after being in the cold is because they don't like being cold!

Bella throws the truck in reverse, almost killing a girl by almost ramming into her car. Bella, fully aware of what she almost did, carefully checks her blind spots twice before cautiously leaving.

Edward laughs because Bella thinks she's dangerous after most causing a serious traffic accident. Oh, how adorable.

In case you forgot: Edward is an asshole.

And that's the end of the chapter!

And I was right, the last few pages was much easier to get through. I think, going forward, I'm going to have to cut some of these chapters into sections, especially the Twilight Recap heavy ones. It's just too hard for me to get through those quickly.

Anyway, I'm going to take a much needed break and continue my Friday the 13th marathon.

Save me, Tommy Jarvis, you're my only ho.

((EDIT: All future book reviews/snarks will be posted to my tumblr.))

#Book Snark #Midnight Sun #Twilight

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geejaysmith · 5 years

Text

so Kat and I were talking on Discord again and you know what that means

Kat [Yesterday at 6:49 PM] bad end where Hilbert subdues Eiffel leaving Minkowski out to die and she either drifts into the star or gets flared before she suffocates and Hilbert gets clobbered by a really pissed off Minkowski 2 possibly accompanied by Lovelace if the DL wanted to indicate how peeved they were that he messed with Their Boy Eiffel: Commander I thought you were dead. And who's that? Minkowski: I have no idea but she also wants to kill Hilbert and right now that's good enough for me.

Gill [Yesterday at 6:53 PM] ...angry alien gfs. I might just have to write that AU.

And so, like most things inevitably do with me, this got out of hand, so:

WOLF 359 SPEEDRUN/FUNHOUSE MIRROR UNIVERSE/ALIEN MINKOWSKI AU:

Eiffel can’t get to his oxygen mask in time and gets KO’d; Hera might be able to cause an electrical fire on her own to activate the loophole in her programming, but not fast enough to let Minkowski back into the station in time.

Kat [Yesterday at 6:58 PM] Dear Listeners: he's hurting our boy!!!! D : Dear Listeners: unleash the hounds

Minkowski comes to aboard Lovelace’s shuttle while Lovelace is waking up from cryo and getting her bearings. Since she’s understandably disorientated, Minkowski assumes Lovelace must’ve pulled her onboard just in time to save her life - Lovelace knows this isn’t the case, but for now, doesn’t correct her.

Having no idea who each other are, they’re obviously suspicious about one another, but both know the command authentication codes so that at least checks out. Radioing the Hephaestus itself gives the two more evidence to back up their respective stories; Minkowski takes some satisfaction in Hilbert’s shock when he picks up and hears her voice on the line, only to look over at Lovelace and see her expression darken with white hot fury.

Gill [Yesterday at 7:20 PM] "Minkowski, how the hell did you-" "Selberg. I hope killing off your crew didn't turn into a habit while I was away." And like, as much as Minkowski can just about feel the rage radiating off of the alleged captain, Lovelace is using her calm, measured Menacing Voice, and that plus the way Hilbert's stunned silence turns into disbelieving terror lifts a few of Minkowski's doubts about Lovelace being who she says she is. Kat [Yesterday at 7:20 PM] ofc a wrinkle is that hilbert would've had plenty of time to get in touch with cutter by now

Okay, schadenfreude aside, now they have a problem: there’s no way Hilbert’s about to let the shuttle dock with the station, yet alone open the airlocks for them.

This might be where Lovelace tells Minkowski “so is now a good time to mention the bomb I have wired to my heart rate?” The details on that plot point are foggy still. Kat [Yesterday at 7:46 PM] Maybe hilbert overrode Minkowski's command authentication but 'hey Hera if Lovelace is the Hephaestus' commanding officer shouldn't you do what she says' or something

(Personally I’m a fan of this working to get the shuttle docked but not to get the doors open and that’s when Minkowski goes the full Carol Danvers. Doesn’t even realize anything Weird is going on, she’s far too focused on stopping Hilbert and saving Eiffel and Hera to notice she just blasted that door open)

(let me have my superpowered alien space commando chicks ok)

(It is very badass and Lovelace finds herself quite taken with the Commander.)

(I’m gay and I ship it)

Hilbert still wrecks Hera’s hardware but Minkowski has control of the station back, Eiffel is still loopy on laughing gas but largely unharmed, and they have a new potential ally in Lovelace (and the audio files she left on the station plus Hilbert both confirm her story) except tension still rises between them because Minkowski and Eiffel need Hilbert alive to fix Hera (and because Decima virus but they don’t know that yet) and Lovelace is in favor of killing him because he’s too dangerous to leave alive. Once she’s back online, Hera sides with Lovelace.

Hilbert got a message thru to Cutter about the alien transmissions, but may not be able to establish a connection to talk to the crew directly due to stellar interference. Either way, the crew gets to speedrun season 2 because they have every reason to assume a Goddard Futuristics Kill Squad is on it’s way.

Nobody knows about Minkowski and anything strange about her since getting space-marooned has some reasonable explanation. Lovelace and the rest roll with the explanation that she got the Commander onto the shuttle; Hera might know Minkowski’s vitals flatlined and stayed that way for hours but Minkowski is the only one she tells about it. With no reasonable alternatives, they chalk it up to stellar interference disrupting the signals from her spacesuit. When SI-5 arrives Kepler knows right off the bat that there’s Something Up with Lovelace, but given Hilbert jumped the gun in pronouncing Minkowski and Eiffel dead, he doesn’t suspect Minkowski.

Maxwell and Jacobi swap a few plot-beats; Maxwell is the one who meets her double in Time to Kill and Jacobi is the one taken hostage by the crew in Desperate Measures, the fallout of which leads to D a r k V e n g e a n c e M a x w e l l .

However, because Maxwell is smart and figured a few things out, her real aim with her countercoup is yeeting Jacobi’s body into the star to get him back, and shaking sense into Kepler so he doesn’t shoot him once they do.

She probably also figured out Minkowski’s a duplicate too and so shocks her out of her denial. Probably by spacing her.

She’ll be fine, don’t give me that look.

Full chat transcript below ft. WAY more details that haven’t shaken out into something coherent just yet, nonsequitor Adventure Zone jokes, and at least one Spider-Verse reference:

Kat [Yesterday at 6:58 PM] Dear Listeners: he's hurting our boy!!!! D : unleash the hounds

Gill [Yesterday at 6:58 PM] "send in the most competent of More Competent Women we have" my brain is taking this idea and running with it, I'm picturing Minkowski hazily slipping into unconsciousness as her air supply runs out only to very suddenly come to, realizing after a few good deep breaths that she's not back in the station. This craft looks like something somebody put together in their garage, it's too much of a mess even for the Hephaestus. meanwhile Lovelace steps out of cryo to find there is suddenly a stranger in a spacesuit aboard her ship, hyperventilating her way back to proper consciousness. Out the front window is a station that looks kind of like the Hephaestus, but she's probably just been out here too- you're the commander of the USS what now, ma'am

Kat [Yesterday at 7:08 PM] bonus points since Hera monitors their suits so Minkowski gets back on structure and is like I lived?? somehow? and Hera's like Commander your vitals flatlined hours ago

Gill [Yesterday at 7:08 PM] after taking a moment to sort out exactly how impossible the situation they've found themselves in is, back on the station, Hilbert gets an unexpected comms hail from Minkowski, who should've been dead more than an hour ago, and she wishes she could see the look on his face when he hears her voice. Though she does get to see how Lovelace reacts when she hears Hilbert, and if hearing from one dead commanding officer gives Hilbert pause, it's a whole different ball game when Lovelace gets on the receiver.

Kat [Yesterday at 7:20 PM] ofc a wrinkle is that hilbert would've had plenty of time to get in touch with cutter by now

Gill [Yesterday at 7:21 PM] hm, maybe the Dear Listeners run interference so the signal doesn't get back to Earth, or at least Cutter can't get a response in which ofc might just make him send a goon squad up there anyway, so Wolf 359 Speedrun My other concern would be "there's no way Hilbert's letting those two onto the station" which may require DL Godmodding anyway

Kat [Yesterday at 7:23 PM] eiffel just strapped to a table the whole time like the damsel in distress he is maybe he can still talk hera through some sort of hack if hilbert didn't bother to gag him

Gill [Yesterday at 7:24 PM] Dear Listeners: /metaphorically playing rock paper scissors to see which duplicate gets to go full Captain Marvel and BAMF her way back onto the station also Minkowski going full Commander Mama Bear and blasting a door or three open is a wonderful mental image Eiffel, half-conscious, strapped to a lab table, extremely sure Minkowski is dead by now and Hilbert is going to dissect him- and then the door is kicked open and there she is, so full of Righteous Fury she's literally glowing. also: Eiffel blabbering something about "oh my god Commander they made you my guardian angel, I am SO sorry, you didn't do anything that warranted being stuck with that job in this life or the next but if it's any consolation it's probably not gonna be a problem much longer" "Eiffel. Eiffel I'm not dead, Hilbert's been deposed, you can stop crying now."

Kat [Yesterday at 7:37 PM] Hera like Commander but you should be dead though.

Gill [Yesterday at 7:42 PM] Minkowski headed up to the bridge, carrying Eiffel over her shoulder (he is still slightly convinced this is his dying dream and now Hera is with them here in whatever afterlife this is, so perhaps he is not, in fact, in Hell) : Well radio transmissions shouldn't come from deep space and my second-in-command shouldn't try to kill me, a lot of very strange things are happening today. "also please tell me Captain Lovelace didn't kill Hilbert while they were alone, I have questions for him." (Hera: no but I wouldn't drag your feet, also who the hell is she and how did she get on this station.)

Kat [Yesterday at 7:46 PM] to preserve elements of using Hera's loopholes to outwit Hilbert though I do like the idea of them finding some hack to let the ship dock. Maybe hilbert overrode Minkowski's command authentication but 'hey Hera if Lovelace is the Hephaestus' commanding officer shouldn't you do what she says' or something Eiffel like you forgot to disarm my only weapon doc and that's my mouth

Gill [Yesterday at 7:51 PM] makes sense, also maybe Lovelace overriding Hilbert's override buys them enough time to cook up an emergency that activates Hera's emergency protocols, since that strikes me as a more secure foothold (Lovelace: I'm overriding your override! Hilbert: Well, I'm overriding you overriding my override!) (meanwhile, Eiffel starts a fire while strapped to a table, somehow)

Kat [Yesterday at 7:53 PM] Eiffel: Hey Hera remember when you ran a cleaning cycle on the something or other on the aft deck to try to be helpful and started an electrical fire? Hera: Yeah? Eiffel: This would be a great time to be helpful

Gill [Yesterday at 7:56 PM] Hera: oops, there's a fire! looks like we gotta open all the airlocks to vent the fire, including the one to the docking bay! He's locked himself into the bridge, Commander. (Lovelace: dibs on punching him first. Minkowski: not if I get there before you do.)

Kat [Yesterday at 8:00 PM] SI 5 gets there at some later point and Kepler is like ah yes, captain lovelace, definitely an alien. surprise bitch. there's 2 ofc hilbert lied in his message and said he'd terminated both Eiffel AND minkowski so maybe Kepler's like... a whole crew... all aliens

Gill [Yesterday at 8:02 PM] Kepler: okay, so what're the odds Hilbert jumped the gun vs I am now walking into a station full of aliens. shitpost brain chiming in with: Kepler: ok, is anyone in this crew not an alien? Hera: Me.

Kat [Yesterday at 8:03 PM] Eiffel's like an honorary adopted alien

Gill [Yesterday at 8:04 PM] alt version that could potentially be serious: Kepler: ok, fess up, I know there's at least one alien onboard. Eiffel: It's me extra meme'd version: Jacobi: She's an alien, she's an alien, he's an alien - I'm an alien! Are there any other aliens I should know about??? duplicate!Maxwell: (^:

Kat [Yesterday at 8:05 PM] Minkowski: Ok, we need to take out Hilbert. We have the element of surprise, but what other assets do we have? Lovelace: Is this a bad time to mention the bomb strapped to my heartrate.

Gill [Yesterday at 8:06 PM] Minkowski: The bomb. Lovelace: Yup. Minkowski: The bomb that is presumably armed. Lovelace: Yup. Minkowski: ...and where in this small, enclosed shoebox of a deep space vessel is this device? Lovelace: Wired into the shoebox's engine. Minkowski: Of course it is.

Kat [Yesterday at 8:09 PM] minkowski: I get launched off the good ship crazy and find the only person crazier within the next 8 light years. Lovelace: That's because I'm the only bitch that can handle it.

Gill [Yesterday at 8:12 PM] also, Minkowski: Could this day get any weirder. Lovelace: Uh ...as a matter of fact, it can. Minkowski: Please don't tell me you have superpowers or anything like that. Lovelace: Well, I don't, but tell me Minkowski, do your hands... normally glow? alternatively Minkowski is just too Righteous Fury to even notice the Dear Listeners trying to get a word in and now Eiffel is convinced she's secretly been an X-Man the whole time

Kat [Yesterday at 8:19 PM] Lovelace like so... cons? woke up back at the Hephaestus. pros? got a hot girl airdropped

Gill [Yesterday at 8:23 PM] Lovelace, initially: who the hell are you and how did you get on my ship and what the hell is happening, explain before my escalating heartrate kills us both Lovelace, watching Minkowski go full Captain Marvel after teaming up with her and the rest of The New Gang to stop her mutinous ex-friend: potential enemies to potential lovers inside of 20 minutes, that must be some kind of land speed record

Kat [Yesterday at 8:25 PM] heart rate is still a problem

Gill [Yesterday at 8:25 PM] better get a handle on those feelings or else my escalating heartrate will kill us both they could keep that ace up their sleeve for when SI-5 turns up early, if only for the irony of having an explosive device that can be potentially triggered by Gay Feelings and Daniel Jacobi in the same space station

Kat [Yesterday at 8:29 PM] gay bomb chicken Jacobi: my bomb was fake Minkowski: My gun was empty Lovelace: My bomb is very real

Gill [Yesterday at 8:33 PM] a concept: Jacobi figuring out Lovelace has a crush because combination of explosives expertise and gaydar, his reaction is something along the lines of "no, no, NO!! Nobody told me there was gonna be relationship drama on this boat ride, what the hell" also, Lovelace: in my defense my gun was also empty but my bomb is still very real

Kat [Yesterday at 8:35 PM] Jacobi you have no room to talk Jacobi like ok we've got the human/alien or maybe alien/alien going on but I misread the human/AI deal so that's one scifi trope we've avoided so far.

Gill [Yesterday at 8:36 PM] Jacobi, probably: I keep my workplace drama and my relationship drama separate, like a professional ought to. Minkowski: why do you people keep saying I'm an alien Eiffel: Honestly Commander I'm still holding out hope for the "mutant" route, do you perchance know a Charles Xavier?

Kat [Yesterday at 8:37 PM] re: your last I'm imagining Jacobi being like 'I'm upset about this for personal reasons but i'm going to be professional about it.' *clocks out* *screams*

Gill [Yesterday at 8:39 PM] (1) I'm laughing and (2) I mean Hera's the one that clocked out for break but that is technically still what happened in Dirty Work

Kat [Yesterday at 8:42 PM] My union contract says when I'm not clocked in I can be as dramatic as I want Kepler: remember rule # 8. No complaints. Jacobi: My shift ends in 30 seconds. They both watch the clock. 30 seconds later Jacobi: Son of a biTCH

Gill [Yesterday at 8:43 PM] Kepler: what union Jacobi: I'd tell you but then I'd have to kill you before you could get Cutter's anti-union hitsquad involved

Kat [Yesterday at 8:43 PM] The Jacobi Union

Gill [Yesterday at 8:44 PM] "help my Jacobis have unionized" though Gay Bomb Chicken + Lovelace almost puts me in mind that this AU is like an almost-mirror of canon and so Lovelace is the one who ends up talking Jacobi down somehow and it's Maxwell who does get Xerox'd in Time To Kill

Kat [Yesterday at 8:49 PM] this does raise. Questions about Cutter vs Minkowski and Lovelace can he only control 1 at a time

Gill [Yesterday at 8:51 PM] or they just actually succeed at covering up that one of them (Minkowski, probably) is a duplicate

Kat [Yesterday at 8:51 PM] also if you're saying everything's switched is Maxwell still the one who gets shot in desperate measures

Gill [Yesterday at 8:53 PM] Lovelace: I'll take one for the team, I'll be the alien. Minkowski: you really think they'll buy it /cue season 3 finale

Kat [Yesterday at 8:53 PM] honestly if jacobi got shot and maxwell went feral she'd probably win tbh

Gill [Yesterday at 8:55 PM] hm... Maxwell going full Rage Mode, getting to deal with the tasty dramatic emotions of Genuine Loss AND the consequences of turning on Hera, or Maxwell does still get shot but then a few hours later they find her walking around like nothing happened with no memory of the past two weeks both are delicious

Kat [Yesterday at 8:57 PM] I feel like instead of goading the others into it dark!Maxwell would either take out kepler herself or force Hera to do it Hera like, I'm not particularly morally distressed about this I would've killed him if you'd asked but you're making me so I'm mad

Gill [Yesterday at 9:00 PM] Alternatively Maxwell looks at the situation, remembers the Implications Hera might've let slip that, as far as appearances go, Minkowski came back from the dead to stop Hilbert and protect her crew, and says "okay, no. Not when it's her finger on the trigger and Jacobi's life on the line, let's back off and regroup." Kepler is not pleased with this decision of hers.

Kat [Yesterday at 9:02 PM] alternatively alternatively Minkowski: I'm sorry I killed your friend I guess? Maxwell: Actions speak louder than words. Help me yeet his body into the star. I think I've figured this out.

Gill [Yesterday at 9:04 PM] Lovelace comes back but the Dear Listeners decide it's more energy efficient if they drop off the new Jacobi while they hold their Contact Event so in this timeline it's Jacobi who's had enough of Kepler's whamma-jamma. Lovelace: doesn't it freak you out that they can just puppet you around?? Jacobi: yes but I'm very good at compartmentalizing. Also blowing off Kepler's hand? Strangely satisfying.

Kat [Yesterday at 9:08 PM] given the symbolism in play in canon there that's some sort of mobius double metaphor reacharound

Gill [Yesterday at 9:12 PM] canon timeline: "Disarming" = removing Kepler's right hand, foreshadowing his right hand man turning against him and no longer being a weapon in his arsenal Funhouse-Mirror timeline: Jacobi, Kepler's right hand man, can now be controlled by the Dear Listeners, so maybe Kepler gets a Replacement Alien Hand that the Dear Listeners can communicate through via sign language or writing wasn't sure where trying to work out THAT tangle of thought was gonna go but "help my right hand is possessed" is an a-okay destination by me

Kat [Yesterday at 9:13 PM] tbf many ASL signs are two handed, albeit often a doubled similar sign idk about other languages

Gill [Yesterday at 9:14 PM] hey my first thought was "the animatic with the sockpuppets is now a PROPHECY" I'm in full Insane Troll Logic mode

Kat [Yesterday at 9:14 PM] pryce is gonna have a hell of a time lobotomizing everyone depending on how far you want to take this but yeah the robot hand = getting ur robot lobotomy second in command so idk where u go there

Gill [Yesterday at 9:18 PM] hey, you've got so many duplicates walking around now, why save the psi-wave regulator trick for the finale? I mean there might not be enough if the star isn't blue but... I mean they had to test that thing somehow, right do they have a psi-wave generator lying around somewhere?

Kat [Yesterday at 9:20 PM] I assume it goes both ways, since it seems to be an increase that causes the possession, and cutter was essentially doing that to lovelace

Gill [Yesterday at 9:21 PM] or: Cutter challenges the known aliens (Jacobi and Lovelace, if they do successfully keep Minkowski on the down-lo) to a board game, and whoever comes in last place is gonna be the first one to get dissected!

Kat [Yesterday at 9:22 PM] Lovelace: What if you lose

Gill [Yesterday at 9:23 PM] Cutter: Then I throw one of your friends out the airlock while you watch! maybe they still tried to put Jacobi thru Processing first while unaware he'd been alien'd so he broke the neural scanner, and they just restraining bolted Eiffel, Maxwell, and Minkowski. Minkowski's restraining bolt is running but doesn't do shit, and she's stuck putting on the performance of a lifetime while she comes up with a Plan

Kat [Yesterday at 9:28 PM] time to use your acting chops I have another long day tomorrow, I should probably go to bed. Enjoy figuring out which of the like 500 strands of spaghetti we flung at the wall is the one that sticks.

Gill [Yesterday at 9:31 PM] o/ night night, I'll probably be typing at you to get some coherent Ideas out so enjoy THAT wall of text in the morning

Kat [Yesterday at 9:32 PM] I Will

Gill [Yesterday at 9:36 PM] shaking up the Contact Event aside I kinda like the idea of Maxwell's Rampage Of Revenge ending up being just one big gambit to get somebody to chuck Jacobi's body into the star... and then I thought "what if Minkowski has been stubbornly dodging that she got alien-resurrected this entire time and can keep finding explanations around the weird shit happening to her, and Maxwell's plan ALSO has her forcing Minkowski to face the truth?"

Gill [Yesterday at 9:45 PM] "Yes, all of this was a ploy to trap you in the decompression chamber, but it was also a ploy to get you to throw Jacobi's body into the star. I just thought to myself, hey, if I'm gonna go to the trouble of going Dark Vengeance Maxwell, I might as well multitask."

Gill [Yesterday at 9:52 PM] Minkowski: Did we NOT just agree that killing me or Kepler isn't gonna solve anything?? Maxwell: Oh you're right, it won't! Don't worry Commander, you've gotten lucky with airlocks in the past, right? Like how the Captain found you just in time? And that hour you spent with your vitals all flatlined was just a glitch, caused by "stellar interference"? I have a funny feeling your luck hasn't run out just yet.

Gill [Yesterday at 10:00 PM] so Minkowski gets to process that she was An Alien The Whole Time while Eiffel is probably off on his visionquest, Jacobi is Back and having a similar Bad Time, and Maxwell's escaped into the vents to keep Hera from killing her as violently as possible. Kepler and Lovelace are having the least amount of Crisis. slight alteration to this: by some Process Of Events, Eiffel gets to play out the Dramatic Rescue that happened offscreen in Box 953 and that's how he ends up outside and decides to jump into the star, or Minkowski goes on his adventure with him (though not as a frozen corpse the whole time if I can find a way to wrangle it even if I do have to invoke my right as a fanfic writer to jump this shark and say Fuck It, Alien Clones Can Breathe In Space Sometimes)

Gill [Yesterday at 10:26 PM] Minkowski, totally not freaking out herself: Eiffel, you still need to worry about conserving your oxygen supply, so I am giving you a direct order to not freak out. Eiffel, who I must note has not seen The Last Jedi: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! THIS IS LIKE IF PRINCESS LEIA KILLED JABBA THE HUTT BY FORCE-LIFTING HIM INTO THE SARLACC PITT FROM STRAIGHT OUTTA THE WILD BLUE NOWHERE! yes it did take me getting ready for bed to realize that sound can't travel in space if no air so Minkowski would have to Dear Listener-commandeer his comms channel to talk to him, unless we want to get into my Found Family Psychic Link conspiracy theories additionally a TAZ joke popped into my head and it's not gonna leave til I say it no matter how little sense it makes without twisting the narrative into a logic-pretzel Bob, after witnessing Minkowski just out-stubborn physics: how... what in the world are you? Minkowski: I'm bisexual. Bob: And do all... bisexuals have this power? Minkowski: /glances at Eiffel, raises an eyebrow Eiffel: ...I'm personally partial to the pansexual label myself, sooooo... Minkowski, @ Bob: Yes.

Gill [Yesterday at 10:47 PM] alternatively after a brief and entirely physically impossible conversation about what he's about to do, Eiffel's like, okay, I'm gonna cut my tether while you keep ahold of it, then you push off from me, I push off from you, I go see what our friends want while you go take command of your station. bc then that lets me do this: Minkowski: Okay, on three. You ready? Eiffel: ...no. You? Minkowski: ...not really. But maybe that's all it is, a- Eiffel: A leap of faith, right. Okay, on three. [muffled What's Up Danger playing from the Dorado constellation in the distance]

Gill [Yesterday at 11:01 PM] I still don't know what happens to Hilbert, sorry m'dude

Gill [Yesterday at 11:12 PM] Last thought before I succumb to unconsciousness for the night: I'm just gonna drive a monkey wrench right into those gears and toss out "instead of Hera manifesting a humansona in mental space she gets herself a custom meatsuit 3D printed, made from the DNA of her friends" and then just not think through the implications of that at all right now

Kat [Today at 6:21 AM] "brief and entirely physically impossible conversation" yknow you can't talk in space but you could sign in space I was also thinkin maybe the Lovelace/crew tension is that Hilbert still rips Hera's personality out and they want to keep him around to fix her and Lovelace wants to kill him bc he's too dangerous

Kat [Today at 6:42 AM] Maybe and/or instead of trying to kill him Maxwell's rampage involves trying to convince Kepler that the duplicates still count as people since she's going to all the trouble of getting Jacobi back and he better not just fucking shoot him again. and instead of his heel-face turn getting kicked off by a betrayal making him rethink his entire life it's Maxwell reading him the riot act like 'maybe you've told yourself these aren't real people so you can do more terrible shit to them but I'm getting my best friend back and you're going to like it' Maxwell: Repeat after me: I will not rekill Jacobi. Kepler, droning at gunpoint: I will not rekill Jacobi. Maxwell: And if I'm an asshole Lovelace takes another limb. Lovelace: Oh, I like Dark Maxwell.

Kat [Today at 7:06 AM] Kepler like, You want to invite one of these monsters on board just because it has a face you know. Maxwell: for god's sake, you've been living with the captain for months and you're telling me you really still believe that? (Idk how they'd actually make the delivery once maxwell asks for it, maybe they'd send him back as a peace offering when spitting Eiffel out?) Jacobi, recently returned from the dead in space: what the fuck upon getting back to the Hephaestus and immediately being apprehended by Cutter and co: what the fuck

Kat [Today at 7:14 AM] like Maxwell's real pissed and upset until the funeral and then once she sees Lovelace resurrect she's like Hey she starts off ranting @ Kepler for keeping secrets the same way as Jacobi did but then she's like "don't you get it, that's how we can get him back" Kepler, about 2 exits behind on the freeway: wait what

Gill [Today at 7:15 AM] Maxwell: I'm gonna need some help to get rid of a body Kepler: I mean I'm not following but ok Maybe the Dear Listeners have the presence of mind to just put Jacobi back on the Hephaestus directly He has a few minutes to reboot in peace before Maxwell leaps on him from the vents for Happy Reunion Time

#wolf 359 #conversations with kat #gill's AU children #listen Commander Mama Bear + superpowers was just way too sexy an idea for me to leave alone #to say nothing of the ANGST POTENTIAL #the DRAMA... the TENSION... the ALIEN GIRLFRIENDS...#long post

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iblendingreenscreens · 4 years

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Cursed

First day of Marichat May and guess who’s late?? All well, this is my incredibly rushed take on the witch AU (I may re-write it in the future because I feel like I missed a bunch of important info, but for now this is it):

Marinette Dupain-Cheng had spent sixteen years of her life accepting that she was as unlucky as a person could be. She might have even gone so far as to say that her luck was worse than a black cat’s. So, at sixteen, when a spiteful witch cast a life long curse on her Marinette could do little more than shrug. The only reason she wasn’t completely content with her fate was because this curse had involved some one else as well.

Adrien Agreste had words. Tons of angry, violent and pleading words. He couldn’t believe that anyone as horrible as Lila Rossi could exist, but the proof was staring up at him in the form of two tiny black eyes. His anger and grief hit him like a punch to the gut as he imagines the soft tones and words Marinette would use to placate him, but he wouldn’t get to hear them. Not tonight, not for the past three thousand six hundred and forty nights and probably not for any of the nights coming.

Almost ten years ago to the day Lila Rossi, an experienced witch with a cold, spiteful heart had cursed two lovers to never be together again even if they were constantly with each other. In a fit of jealous rage she had spat out a dark, lost language that bound Marinette and Adrien to Ladybug and Chat Noir. So the two could exist as human or animal, but never at the same time.

Often the two would quarrel, via messages left in a journal, who got the short end o the stick. It was difficult to keep up an argument through written word which could only be updated and read every twelve hours. It was especially difficult to quarrel when the person you were upset with was right beside you...just as an animal (or insect).

All inconveniences aside the two had adjusted to their new life quite well. Perhaps Marinette was fairing better than Adrien, but it was only natural considering she was allowed to be human during the day when people and sunshine would do more than just pet your head. Being destined to wonder the night could not be healthy for the psyche.

There was also the fact that her companion was a cat. A cat which she could hold and hug, run her fingers through his fur and just be assured by the general physical presence of the living creature. Which led to Adrien’s biggest question, “How do you hug a Ladybug?” The answer, so far, was a simple and short, “You can’t.”

Whenever Adrien brought this argument up Marinette would silence him with a quick, “I crave bugs, Chat. ALL. THE. TIME.” Looking at their garden, particularly the Broccoli with it’s mild aphid infestation, he shuddered at the thought of ever wanting to have those in your mouth. Even through the window they made his skin crawl.

A ray of light drew him out of his thoughts, reminding him that his time was dwindling. He quickly finished his journal entry for Marinette, complete with a short and cheesy poem, before he slipped the book back to its rightful place on the shelf. He rushed outside fumbling with the glass jar tied to his belt. initially Adrien had been quite against the idea of keeping her in a jar, but after a few near misses they both decided she would be safer there than on his arm.

The little ladybug flew out of the jar and landed beside him just before their transformations began. Blinding pink and green lights enveloped the entire garden and Marinette thanked her lucky star that she didn’t have nosy neighbors. “Cutting it close, mon minou.” Were the first words out of her recently humanized mouth. The black cat by her side lowered it’s ears and gaze to the floor.

Silence captured the two for a moment longer before the raven haired girl caved. “Oh, come here kitty. You know I can’t stay mad at you.” With a chirrup the cat jumped into her lap before they continued watching the sunset together. Slowly the oranges and pinks that painted the sky faded to light blue as the sun settled into it’s first position of the day.

“All right, to to get off Chatton, I have things to do.” She said as she tried to place Chat Noir off her lap. He sunk his claws into her skirt and refused to budge. “I’m serious you needy cat.” She wined as her efforts continued to be in vain. For a cat that barely weighed eight pounds he sure had a good grip.

“I have so much to do. I have to mix up those herbal remedies for Madame Chamack’s little girl, I’m literally Manon’s only hope. The book merchant in town should have gotten our special delivery and I don’t want to know what happens if you’re late to a dubious book exchange. Oh, and Alya’s going to be coming over for tea, dinner and until the morning. It’s a busy day mon minou, we can’t lounge about in the sunlight forever.” The cat, which had taken to peering at her from behind his whiskers, seemed unbothered by the work load before them and simply stared at her. “Please Adrien.” Those two words had the cat scrambling off her at record speeds, like a magic charm he couldn’t resist. Except Marinette would never use magic on him that way, he only had his own weakness to blame. That didn’t stop him from glaring at her like it was all her fault; all the way from the garden until they got down to her underground potions room and then some more are she worked.

As Marinette busied herself with chopping, mixing and brewing odd little plants and animal parts she sent sidelong glances to the cat glaring at her. Heaving a sigh she looked up from her work. “You’ve really become a grump over the past ten years, you know that?” At the deadpan stare she got in return she could almost hear Adrien say, ‘Being a cat does that to a person.’

Unfortunately her feline companion couldn’t actually voice his thoughts, but with the practiced flow of an expert she continued the conversation. Year together helping her understand his facial expressions all the more. “Remember mon minou, all this,” She gestured to the hundreds of potions books and ingredients around them, “is for us. Sure it’s been strugglesome to get the right books, and maybe it takes time to whip up these remedies, but it’s a small price to pay for privacy. We’re so lucky no one asks questions, kitty. We’ve both seen what the king does to suspected witches, your father is brutal. You just have to have faith in me and we’ll get through this, I promise.” Tears sat in her eyes, but the cat gave up it’s angry stare. She willed herself not to cry, there was a time and place for that. That time was no today and the place was not here.

After brewing her chopped ingredients and finishing off the remedies with short incantations Marinette went over to Adrien who was napping in one of the many boxes strewn around. Gently she woke him up, “Come on Chatton. We’re taking a trip to town.” The words made him alert and not five minutes later Marinette was walking through the village, a black cat chasing the ends of her skirt.

The day flew by between travelling and concerned voices, hushed exchanges and excited tears, silent arguments now embedded with a new feeling of hope. The nameless merchant in town had the book they were looking for. It held such a large piece of the puzzle that was undoing their curse.

Right now Alya was in the kitchen finishing a dinner for her and Adrien to enjoy, while Marinette sat waiting of the sunset with her kitty.

Their relationship came with more hardships than your average one, but somehow sitting in the garden, drinking up the sunlight and threading her hands through Chat Noir’s fur she knew they would be just fine. Actually she was sure they would be better than fine because for the first time in twenty-six years it felt like the universe had a little luck to spare of the witch and her black cat.

#marichat #marichat may #marichat fanfic #fanfiction #miraculous ladybug #witch au #little witch and her black cat #i know it's late #sorry #marinette #marinette dupain cheng #adrien and plagg #adrien agreste #chat noir #ladybug #lila rossi #alya #alya cesaire

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geminislegacy · 5 years

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featuring: lizzie saltzman, hope mikaelson, william flynn, landon kirby. tagging: @ofindcmitability @chosenlonely @frcmashes summary: four teenagers go on a double date, then go back to salvatore to get tipsy and play a magical card game. it ends in a foursome. ( yes, actually. ) hizzie & landwil ensue. warnings: nsfw & ugly formatting.

landon kirby

he can't remember whose idea it had been, but whoever decided the four of them should go on a double date clearly hadn't anticipated the amount of chaos that could unfold. things started out fine; appetizers were ordered, small-talk was made, but somehow star wars gets brought up and suddenly tongs are flying, soup splashes everywhere, and they're kindly being asked to leave. he's still wheezing as they get back to the salvatore school, parking his car in one of the designated spots. it only stalled out once on the way back so he's in decent spirits. he kills the engine, slips the child locks on so no one can escape. he'll salvage this evening if it's the last thing he does. " so that was terrible. " it's blunt, to the point. maybe it would seem a little less funny if he could stop chuckling. " ... but maybe it's not a complete write off. this whole, uh, double date thing. " he clears his throat, drums his hands on the steering wheel. " i think we have monopoly. maybe candyland, but i think that one has pieces missing, so ... "

william flynn

it had been will' s idea. not actually on purpose but rather something accidental brought up and then brought into fruition. he liked hope, loved landon and lizzie. he wanted to get to know hope more, wanted to see how lizzie and landon got along. plus there was also the fact he's never had a outing with friends like this. so yeah he was a bit excited, yes he had some high hopes. he should have not had such high hopes. the night started alright but things... progressed. he hadn't given much thought when landon brought up star wars but lizzie had. tongs went flying and so much soup.... and for the first time in his life will had been asked to leave somewhere. it was kinda thrilling. at least landon was blunt about it. "what's candyland?" he found himself asking. monopoly sounded a bit familiar at least.

hope mikaelson

she thinks it all started with star wars. everything was fine before landon decided to ( endearingly, in her opinion ) bring up star wars. from there, tongs were thrown and soup was spilled. although, the latter was the fault of the fact she thought it was funny to antagonise her boyfriend. she was chewing ice, they were having a friendly argument about a fictional universe, what could go wrong? famous last words that apply, evidently, even to olive garden. they were asked to leave for causing a disturbance, and her boyfriend had shoved breadsticks in her pockets while she chugged down the last of her drink. ( she left the ice, for fear a further fight would break out in the car and kill them all. in her and landon's case, again. ) turning to look at will as her laughter fails to die, " it's a board game. it's basically like snakes and ladders with candy. " that's far from the best, or most accurate description, but it's the one he's getting. turning back to her boyfriend, she suggests, " we could play monopoly. " although, if they were trying to salvage the night, she doesn't think a game famous for ending even the strongest relationships is their best idea.(edited)

lizzie saltzman

this sucks. she can't help but think that it does. the idea was doomed from the start. what good could come out of bringing landon along for anything? a forethought proven to be eerily true later on, when he went on a star wars tangent and flared up lizzie's rage. she might have overreacted ( yes ), but when they got kicked out of the restaurant, it was him she blamed, obviously. now very much sulking ( she's the only one who hasn't laughed one bit ), she makes sure to slam the door of the car on her way out, arms folded over her chest as she takes off toward the school already. " great idea, landon. let's save our bonds from eternal damnation by playing monopoly. " it's a sharp remark, though one that serves its useful purpose. her arm reaches for will's and she intertwines them. it's cold. " luckily for all of you losers, i am a society game expert. josie and i won a packet of enchanted cards at a magical fair once. " and that's when a smile curls her lips.

landon kirby

there are a few questions he wants to ask: first, how will's never heard about candyland ( right, the trauma. don't ask that ) and what exactly a society game is. is it a society game because you play with other people ? is it a brand ? these are questions he has but won't ask, primarily because he thinks he doesn't want to see the look on lizzie's face when he does. while they're civil-ish for the time being, he thinks they're just One Bad Day away from total chaos. he's seen the killing joke, thank you. he has no desire to see that kind of ending. their room is the closest, so he ducks in to grab the game. it's only when he digs it out from under the bed that he blanches; shit. right. he forgot. the only version of monopoly he owns is star wars monopoly. the alarm bells go off in his head and he hastily shoves it back under the bed. " huh. i can't find it. " he straightens, raises a bottle of champagne that was tucked in behind it. he thinks it's his, stolen from the motel when he left. if you can call it stealing, really, when the owner's been MIA for weeks. " so those enchanted cards. " he counters, looking between the rest of them and the booze. " what are the chances you still have those ... ? "(edited)

william flynn

it seemed to always be star wars that set lizzie off. though, funny enough, star wars was what landon seemed to enjoy the most. will saw it right on his face in multiple occasions. he hadn't expected hope to chew ice and he didn't mind it, but then lizzie sent back her fish and it was one thing after another. he just wanted to enjoy his mozzarella sticks in peace. and oddly enough, landon still smelled like those breadsticks. "shoots and ladders... ?" he didn't know that one either, no. he barely knew monopoly. he hadn't seen landon's room before, or hope's too apparently. who knew they shared. briefly he thought of the fact he'd share a room with lizzie one day. he kind of looked forward to that. actually, he looked forward to it a lot. "enchanted cards?" his interest was peeked ( though he did remain holding interest for a board game ). amusement played at his face as lizzie spoke of her expertise. "i wouldn't doubt you." a nod of his head to landon's words, he hoped lizzie still had em. such cards sounded interesting.(edited)

hope mikaelson

it takes one glance at the board game landon is hurriedly shoving their bed to realise what a bad idea it was. " enchanted cards could be fun. " she doesn't have any more tongs to throw at his head but the school is literally filled with deadly weapons. and honestly, even if he'd come back, she doesn't feel like taking that chance today. landon produces a bottle of alcohol, and she doesn't know if that makes things better or worse. ( if anything, for all their sakes, she hopes it's better. ) so begins the trek through to the twins old room, still a little scarred by the fact that she once found lizzie halfway to death in it. ( the floor may be clean but it still makes her feel uneasy. ) somewhere between her fixation on the floor and the search for the long-lost cards, lizzie explains the rules, something about a combination between never have i ever and truth or dare with consequences. ( okay, so it might be for the worst. ) " so, we're basically playing roulette. " with less severe consequences but she thinks the comparison still stands. to her surprise, once they're all sitting down to it, it's actually fun.(edited)

lizzie saltzman

she hopes bottles won't become a recurring theme in her life. ( she thinks as long as she's aware, they won't be. ) hence the slight cringe as landon waves the champagne around. but, at the same time ... these are all people she trusts. yes, even the mop-headed hobbit. underneath his nerdgasmic, stuttering, irritating demeanor, there is a very good person ( hope wouldn't love him otherwise ). so, she decides she wants to have fun. they all deserve it; and she won't be the rain to fall on this parade. a few glasses later and she's already properly ditzy. and laughing even. because, as it turns out, the enchanted cards are fun. it helps them get to know each other better, even if it's little things. and the dares and punishments are just as fun ( except this one time she gets punished by having pepper up her nose for 5 minutes because she skipped on a dare to wear her ugliest clothes for the rest of the night ). it's her turn to pick a card - and she's wheezing as she does this. everything is so ... colorful, and warm, and wonderful. even if the floor feels like it's slippery beneath her and her vision a blur of sensations. " alright, okay, let's see- " a clear of her throat. " never have i ever, uhhh, " a pause, to squint at the text, " ohhhh. kissed someone of the same sex. welp! " she throws her arm in the air and puts down a finger. " been there, done that. no dares for me. yay! "

landon kirby

the more he drinks, the less this game stresses him out. maybe it's the added consequences ( of which, he's never taken well ), or the fact that some of the questions leave him squirming. never have i ever had a sex dream about someone i shouldn't have, for example, leads to a terse whispered comment about ms. frizzle from the magic school bus and no, he does not want to talk about it. so by the time lizzie gets to this particular question, he's a warm kind of tipsy -- his hand having somehow, maybe instinctively, fallen into hope's lap to draw circles on the inside of her thigh. it's comfortable, a word he never thought he'd associate with being in lizzie's presence. it's ... kind of nice. " yay. " he echoes, cracking a smile. " i mean, yay for you. not yay for me. i haven't. " he frowns, motioning for her to hand the card over. better to know what he's in for now, before he has a chance to think too hard on it. he's not in this sinking ship alone; hope and will answer the same. if they go down, they're going together.

" so if you haven't kissed someone of the same sex, " he reads aloud, " ... rectify that immediately or suffer the plague. " he blinks, reads it a second time just to make sure he's understanding it correctly. " uh, i'm betting this is metaphor and not an actual plague. " he says it slowly, uncertain. " not sure it's work the risk though. " he straightens, cheeks flushed ( whether it be from the champagne, or the reality of what this means ) as he clears his throat. " i guess this means, uh, we should probably ... " he makes a wild gesture with his hands, hoping someone else will say what he's struggling to convey.(edited)

william flynn

there is no world in which william flynn didn't partake in alcoholic beverage. it was his bread and butter ( that was the saying right? ). so when landon had the bottle in hand he was by no means rejecting it. " roulette, i know that one." of course he did, of all things, he knew the most dangerous variant. he wondered if any of them would even be surprised by that. he kept his eyes on his fiance as she read out the card ( though he didn't totally understand the rules of the game ). he felt a slight buzz but he was always able to hold his drinks well, so accustomed to them and all. as lizzie read he couldn't help but be interested. past experience was a topic they had yet to breach after all. he chuckled ( a little louder and more full then his usual one, that was the buzz ). "yay." will echoed, a word that sounded weird upon his lips. still, he meant it. good for lizzie. he couldn't say the same applied to himself after all. he had to answer the question too, right? "uh... no. not yet." probably, not ever. given the fact that his ever was set with lizzie saltzman. not that he was against it, he simply was happy with lizzie. "the plague." he repeated dryly. then, landon went on. and will felt for him because what if it WAS the actual fucking plague or some shit? he looked to lizzie ( it didn't need to be spoken out loud because it was obvious the outcome, the only way to avoid the consequences ). a look to determine if she was OKAY with what would possibly be the outcome of this game, that she was alright if he offered landon the only means of escape ( the only means of escape for them ALL technically ).

hope mikaelson

the further the game progresses, the better she feels. sure, it's amusing and ( somewhat ) wholesome teenage fun but she's allowing herself to have it. it's all progress, at least, she hopes. it also might be helpful to her to remember she's always been a lightweight, and that champagne is what made the room spin at fifteen years old. but ... well, irrelevant. ( oh, she's drunk. ) the card comes up, and landon mentions the plague, and her inhibitions lower enough to tip her cup and chime, " yay, " in unison. " but i haven't either. " not for lack of wanting to, but desire has taken a backseat for a long time. she turns to lizzie, and then to landon, and then back to landon. because it seems obvious to her that they aren't going go out and find strangers to kiss ( and because, again, she's drunk ). " i guess it's you and me. " " unless you're still basking in the victory of getting out of this . " she makes a gesture around them, or more specifically, between her and will and landon. as far as she stands, it doesn't have to be anything. good, clean, wholesome fun between hormonal teenagers. what could go wrong? ( so, so many things. )

lizzie saltzman

she doesn't know what to expect out of this question. actually, she's pretty certain she doesn't expect anything ( she's kind of whooing in her little bubble of ditzy joy ). " oh. " for some reason, though, she doesn't expect that. well, she does for will, obviously. but ... oh, well. no point in dwelling on it too much. " we should probably ... what? " she's just poking fun at landon's obvious hesitance. " make use of our numeric advantage and not get infected with the plague? " someone had to say it. her eyes then dart toward hope, pulling a face when she appears to mock lizzie's apparent victory. which means nothing, in hindsight. she's drunk, but not that drunk as to not understand what's going on. her gaze rolls away and now toward will and she reads in his eyes that they're both thinking the same thing; ALL of them are, actually. instead of giving him a reassuring smile, or look, or nod ( as she normally would ), she lifts her hand - and does an OK sign. it feels more ~FUN~. there's agreement on both parties, it seems. " don't worry. i'll save your ass out of this, mikaelson. you're welcome. "

landon kirby

he's glad someone's picked up what he's putting down. it feels ... silly, maybe. he thinks he might be delirious, that the awkward laughter that accompanies his shrug might be a result of said delirium. in truth, he's probably just tipsy; it's happened all of twice, maybe three times — his memory's foggy on that one, so he's not overly familiar with the concept. a quick exchange with hope, silent communication with their eyes ( he knows her, and she him: they're on the same plague-less page ) confirming that — yes, they're doing this. he is ... weirdly nervous. maybe because this is will, his best friend, and maybe partially due to the pressures of knowing eyes are on him. he's suddenly grateful for the mints he'd swiped at the restaurant, having chewed through a handful on the car ride back. he fumbles with where to put his hand for a second, shifting slightly as he steadies it against will's shoulder. he's not sure if he should say something, it's not like there's precedence for this, but decides — fuck it, he'll wing it. he leans in and presses his lips against will's; soft, almost curious ... like wading into the ocean and testing the temperature with your toes. it's nice, he decides. very nice.

william flynn

so hope was the same as him, as was landon, both things were oddly reassuring. it reminded him despite his many setbacks that came from, well, his... past that ultimately some experiences he didn't have... they were normal not to have. something which was appreciated to have knowledge of. lizzie made a joke, a smile hung off his lips at it ( of course he was gonna laugh at her jokes, they were always funny. it was almost remarkable how they always landed so easily. ) lizzie did the OK sign and that meant much of everything. he needed her okay, he needed to make sure this was okay. there was an anxiousness that came about, almost alike when he kissed lizzie the first time but also so utterly different. that had been his first kiss, ever, and it'd been perfect. at least, in his eyes. now this kiss? not his second one, but his second person ever. first boy. only boy he'd ever even consider doing it with, actually. there was no one else that came to mind that he trusted, not a single person. at least, not one that he wasn't related to nor felt like a father to him. landon was a singularity. before he could make a move, landon beat him to it. if lizzie was fireworks then landon was falling snow. not sparks but beauty all the same. soft lips, not intense and passionate but rather safe and warm. his hand slipped up, maybe it was instinct, to touch upon landon's cheek. something to steady him ( because right now, in the midst of all this, how could he remain steady? ).

hope mikaelson

she looks at landon, and he at her, and she realises they agree. they'd rather avoid the plague, if at all possible, and kissing their best friends isn't the worst fate. ( she knows lizzie's pretty, she has eyes. ) she catches her boyfriend lean into will out of the corner of her eye, and she decides that isn't something she particularly wants to see. ( being in agreement and actively watching are different things entirely. ) because she's happy , and she's drunk, and it's lizzie, her next move is easy. all it takes is a few glances over lizzie's face, down to her lips, before she moves forward with a smile still on hers. she decides, remarkably quickly, that she likes it. a lot. lizzie's softer than landon and it makes her forget she's just doing this to avoid the plague. her fingers move to lizzie's neck, inhibitions successfully lowered. it's nice. it makes her feel warmer than just the evidence of alcohol in her bloodstream does. ( she thinks that, in some reviving part of her brain, she's probably kind of always wanted to kiss lizzie. drunk mind, sober thoughts. sue her. )

lizzie saltzman

in normal circumstances, this would have taken a lot more out of her. some fussing, some mussing, and lots of antics that stretch beyond the limit of normality. but, right now ... right now she's just content. that's the word for it. slightly ditzy, slightly less prone to her slight ocd. the one thing that stays: nerves, funnily enough. maybe like this, with all her barriers lowered, she's a lot more aware of her anxieties ( but also very prepared to ignore them ). this is how she hesitates - and doesn't take the first step ( bold moves, saltzman ). but it's lucky, because hope does. and the smile lingering on her face already soothes anything. their lips connect and it's different, and slightly weird, and also safe and comfortable. she feels fingers at the back of her neck and, suddenly, lizzie realizes she's not running away from a dark plague, but kind of ... enjoying this. kind of. an understatement. ( little puberty lizzie saltzman is leaping that hope mikaelson is kissing her. ) they can stop there ( ? ), but ... why? it's an opportunity. might as well make it right ( and since this is hope's first girl kiss, she thinks she wants it memorable ). it's automatic, but her arms move and hands end up by the sides of hope's face - and there's an attempt at a deepening. or, well, how the fanfics put it: some tongue wrestling.

landon kirby

out of the corner of his eye, he detects movement: he thinks hope's the one that moves first, but he doesn't turn his head to look. he's a teenage boy so of course there's appeal to seeing two girls kiss, but he thinks the appeal is significantly less when one of them is your girlfriend. the thought is funny, almost draws a laugh from him -- likely would have, too, if will's hand hadn't come up to brush his cheek. that has him feeling some type of way; like someone's come up from behind him and shoved him full tilt into the water, no easing. it's jarring at first, the flash of emotions - the adjustment, but you adapt. he shifts forward on his knees, a little closer as his hand shifts; it curves against will's neck, fingers tangling in his hair. it's a little awkward, a little uncertainty in his actions, but then his lips part and suddenly the uncertainty is gone. his breath catches slightly, lips pressing a bit more urgently to will's this time. they bump noses when he adjusts the angle but it's a quick recovery; insistent but not demanding. firm but not rough.

william flynn

he heard the sounds behind him, but there's little temptation to see the girl's lip locking. it wasn't jealousy, he trusted lizzie and ( remarkably ) he trusted hope as well. it was rather lack of interest, or to be more accurate, being a bit too consumed with what was going on before his eyes rather then next to him. after all, it wasn't everyday you had your first kiss with a boy, nor with your best friend. he wondered if he moved too fast, if he should have pulled apart with the finish of the kiss ( when did a kiss finish? ) however no. landon shifts and will moved in adjacent. landon's touch upon him wasn't like lizzie, but it didn't mean a bad thing, just something different. thoughts to pull back became lost, rather he felt more swept into the kiss then before. his other hand tucked against landon, a firm grip on him to keep himself upright ( otherwise he might unbalance ). their lips disconnected only for an instant, a memory to breath. and then, he connected them once more.

hope mikaelson

she decides to drown out the sound from across the room early ; almost everything registers deafening to her now, and she doesn't want to lose herself to the rest of her senses. so she decides to lose herself to kissing her best friend instead. ( it's a tug of war she's learning to win. slowly. ) it's different, that's starkly obvious. but it's nice. lizzie's hands shift to the sides of her face and her breath catches. she isn't sure what finds her first. her other hand, pressed palm flat to the floor, moves up to find its way into lizzies hair. if she were any more herself, she probably would have ended this long before she decided she was obsessed with kissing. period. but, honestly, she doesn't care. she briefly backs away, because even if she doesn't ( technically ) need to breathe, she assumes lizzie still does. and then, because the few nagging inches between them are bothering her and her self control is evidently wavering, she presses her lips to hers again. it's a little too hard and a little too fast for the sake of a dare.

lizzie saltzman

somewhere in this room, will and landon are sitting around too. probably caught into their own little CPR session. she knows that, yet at the same doesn't. it's not on her mind; because she's eternally confident in what she and will have, but also because she cannot, for the life of her multitask. she only has space for ONE happening - and she chooses to make that the feeling of hope mikaelson's lips. and it's a very nice feeling. probably because it's hope, who once upon a time was pushing everyone away - and who now is pushing against her ( metaphorically, for now ) in a lip lock. she feels a hand tangled in her hair and it sends some kind of lightning bolt up her spine. when there is break ( that lizzie is thankful for, breathing wise ), she kind of wishes there wasn't. there's some sort of bubble inside of her and it hasn't burst. it probably won't anytime soon either. they're kissing again, suddenly and sort of harder. it's bewildering. somewhat questionable, really. but it's really nice. they're full blown making out now ( not what the card wanted, guys ) and she finds one of her hands traveling to hope's shoulder, clawing at the fabric of her shirt -- subconsciously, of course.

landon kirby

multi-tasking has never been landon's strong suit. he's the kind of person who constantly gets sniped in video games because he's focused on the targets in front of him, his attention unable to divert and check the rest of his surroundings. so to say that he's relatively unaware of what's going on around him would be an understatement. his focus is on will, or more specifically his lips. that being said though, he's tipsy but not drunk; there are dregs of rational thought that pilfer through his consciousness. it's only when he realizes he's curled the fingers of his free hand in the front of will's shirt, half in his lap in a bid to get closer, that he realizes there is a line. there's a line that maybe he shouldn't cross, that maybe they need to re-evaluate before it gets scuffed out completely. .

so he pulls back. he's a little short of breath, a nervous smile on his face as he clears his throat. he doesn't look at the girls; doesn't need to see what, or how, things have gone for them. he reaches for the champagne and takes another drink, practically draining the bottle as he does. a little liquid courage never killed anybody. besides, he's ... curious. a little too curious. ( there's a part of him, a tiny sliver, that thinks this is probably good: healthy. he knows hope is his forever, the love of his life, but they're 19 years old. he's seen skins, okay. he knows people experiment. they try things when they're young, a little stupid, just because. he trusts will -- even trusts lizzie -- so if this is something they all want ... well, maybe there's something to be said about that. ) " what are we doing ? " a question searching for answers as he tugs on his lower lip with his teeth. finally he chances a look at lizzie and hope --- needs to see if they're on the same page ... or at least, the same book.(edited)

william flynn

lizzie saltzman was soul mate. will never gave much thought to attraction to others after her, never need be. yet in this moment... for the first time perhaps ever, he felt it. an attraction to someone who had moppy dark hair rather then flowing blonde. who was a bit shorter rather then the same height. with skin that wasn't soft but warm all the same. it was different then he knew but it wasn't unwelcomed. no, not unwelcomed at all. the way landon pulled him closer... will pushed against the floor below, gaining some leverage and pushing for more. ( he hoped more was okay ). landon pulled back and that nervous smile, while nervous, was oddly assuring. "i'll take one of those." he finds himself speaking as landon reaches for another drink, of course it'd go right through him ( he had a heavy tolerance after all, one that came with so much experience ) still the burn was all too nice upon his throat. landon asked the question and will, despite his own haze that came from fucking hormones and desire--- it was the right question to ask. a question that needed to be asked. "i want.." what did he want? will wasn't even quite sure. so, his eyes fell onto the two girls beside him, hoping to have some guidance dropped to his lap. ( he wanted landon, and he didn't know if that was natural or right or even okay. he didn't know what to do with this ).

hope mikaelson

the periphery awareness of landon and will has long since faded, because lizzie's kissing her harder, and faster, and a little explicitly. ( that, of course, would be the pot calling the kettle black. ) and there isn't a single part of her that wants to complain. lizzie's hand comes to claw at her shoulder, and she leans further into the other girl in response. she's in the process of moving to work her legs around lizzie's waist when her senses don't stop her. ( clearly, they're traitors. like her brain. she's having them both tried for treason when this is over. ) perhaps she's too comfortable with this .... whole arrangement, but she knows that ( drunk or not ) she could only ever do this with someone she trusted. she knows she loves landon, and for the first time her life, she knows he loves her too. she isn't worried about a little harmless ( albeit inappropriate ) making out with her best friend. ( what an odd time for rationality to pull through. ) the only thing that gives her pause is the sound of voices from by them, and she remembers where she is. she uses all of that harrowed tribrid strength behind her to pull herself off lizzie. even if her teeth grazed lizzie's lip before she did so. ( a parting gift, everything's a traitor. )

lizzie saltzman

while she's definitely no stranger to some kissing sessions, including with girls, she can't say she's had the pleasure ( literally ) of mixing the endeavor with the lubricant effects of some alcohol. she's feeling heated, like every movement and gesture does a lot more than what it would do normally. it's the champagne - or maybe it's hope mikaelson, years ago the object of some begrudging affections that lasted a few days. currently, her best friend ... and the one aggressively making out with her. but there's still something left in her brain and senses. she's feeling a wave of uncertainty, maybe even anxiousness, and it successfully blankets the mindless desire. now both hands are on hope's shoulders and she makes an effort to tilt her head backwards ( and away ). they get off each other, but not without the feeling of hope's teeth leaving a lingering mark on her bottom lip ( it stuns her for a moment, makes her feel ... things ). voices are heard and when she whips her head around, she finds landon and will, seemingly looking just as dazed and confused. " uh... " the question is processed a bit too slow and she nervously rubs a hand to the back of her neck. " what... do you want to do? " it's also a question for herself, to be honest. she doesn't look at hope, funnily enough. because she kind of ... thinks she knows what she wants. " because, i mean, it's - it was a first, right? " some aimless hand gestures. " and there are probably others ... " this time, for ALL of them. " so, you know ... " a small pause, then a groan, and she jumps to her feet ( albeit a bit wobbly ) to steal a bottle of champagne and chug some more of it. " ugh, do i have to do all the work here? figure it out yourselves. do what you want. "

spoilers: everyone did what they wanted.

[ HIZZIE TRANSCRIPT. ]

[ LANDWIL TRANSCRIPT. ]

#* transcripts.#* with → hope.#* with → will.#* with → landon.#merry christmas

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dracox-serdriel · 5 years

Text

TROS Ending Issues

Okay, so I’ve seen several posts regarding the ending of TROS, and I wanted to address them with some analysis by bullets. Under the cut for length, sass, and spoilers for The Rise of Skywalker.

There have been several posts out there arguing that if TROS had an original ending that was edittied away, it likely would’ve been worse for Ben Solo and Rey. For example, several people are arguing that one of the popular leaks - that Ben died offscreen in the pit after Palps threw him in “thus falls the last Skywalker” - was likely the original ending. I’ve also read several posts from Reylos that argue that whatever alternate/original ending was to TROS, it would never have had a happily-ever-after with Rey and Ben Solo together.

While I understand the general jadedenss on this issue, I wanted to point out a number of things:

In all of the Star Wars saga history, there has never been a named character who has died and never been mentioned again in the movie s/he died in. That’s right, Ben Solo is the first and only named character to die in the Star Wars saga and not spoken of or otherwise mentioned again.

This isn’t just a huge break with Star Wars tradition. This is a huge break with good storytelling pratices, too.

To have a major character die in a movie without anything said about them again is, for want of a better word, VERY WEIRD.

I know one might argue that after his death, they were wrapping up the movie. However, the same could be said for many deaths in Star Wars. Qui-gon died at the end of an episode. Darth Vadar/Anakin Skywalker... plenty of people die at the end of saga episodes. But people still discuss their deaths in that same episode. It’s not like they didn’t have time for a short exchange between -- for example -- Rey and Finn (since Finn was set up in the movie to be a distant witness of Ben’s sacrifice--even though the movie didn’t even give us that).

All good stories have descending action and a resolution. Finding a place to mention the fact that Ben Solo helped save the galaxy--and sacrificed himself to save Rey--would’ve been pretty damn easy and taken almost no screentime.

Also: Ben Solo had no lines other than those he shared with Ghost Han. He said nothing to the Knights of Ren, nothing to Palpatine, and nothing to Rey. This is incredibly odd, since he’s been trapped under the mask (literal and actual) of Kylo Ren for 2 movies, and he finally has a chance to be himself. If they planned to kill him, surely they would’ve let him speak a few times before offing him.

TROS made Rey and Ben Solo a Force Dyad.

This literally means that - according to canon - Rey and Ben share a single soul.

In terms of plot, this was unnecessary.

They already showed the bond can transfer physical objects across space.

Kylo didn’t want to kill Rey before--and he values the Force bond. He already has plenty of reason to avoid killing Rey. He needs no more motivation in terms of “resisting the temptation” of killing her.

Palpatine could’ve drained the life force of 2 powerful young Force users to restore himself (I mean, why the hell not?)

There was absolutely no reason to make Rey and Ben Solo a Force Dyad when they already had a Force Bond to explain everything.

However, by making them a Force Dyad, they irrevocably linked Ben’s fate with Rey’s.

Even if you believe Ben Solo deserved to die because of what Kylo Ren did, it’s impossible to sell the idea that Rey deserves to lose half her soul. She didn’t choose the Force Dyad. (Neither did Ben.)

Selling the idea of Rey being “free” of the Force bond with Kylo Ren would’ve been infinitely easier than selling the idea of Rey being happy with her future despite half her soul dying.

If the original ending included Ben Solo dying, it absolutely would’ve provided more information about Force Dyads--particularly what happens when one half of the soul dies. (That would’ve been tied in as foreshadowing Ben’s death.)

TROS screws up the whole thing where the original trio all died to save Ben.

Han Solo’s death “splintered” Kylo Ren (gave Ben a fighting chance).

Luke Skywalker’s death gave Kylo a chance to face the master who failed him and vent his rage without killing anyone.

Leia Organa-Solo’s death proved that Ben was really alive/made him come to the surface.

This all sounds great, except... it’s unnessary. If Ben/Rey are a Force Dyad, then the bond would always result in him falling in love with her. Which means, in narrative terms, that Ben/Kylo would always have died to save Rey, even without the deaths of Han, Luke, and Leia fueling his return to the light.

Having all 3 die for him to return to the light, only to die minutes later, is not only a waste of good character redemption arc, but also a poor use of the narrative elements here. “Saving Ben Solo” as a full trilogy arc only works if “saving” him means more than “turn him to the light.”

Also, we’ve already seen what happens when someone turns (to the Dark), and everything changes with Darth Vadar. Narratively, we should be setting up to see what happens when someome turns (to the Light), and everything changes. But that requires the character in question to be alive.

TROS had virtually nothing in terms of “what’s next.” For anybody.

At the end of the original trilogy, there was a sense that all the characters who survived were moving forward with their lives... into a better future to boot.

I will admit, I’ve only seen the prequels twice (nowhere near how much I’ve seen the originals), but they also ended with people moving forward. Leia and Luke were split up and sent to grow up with different people. Anakin was now become Darth Vadar... and so on. I don’t remember this being as strong/clear as with the original trilogy, but I do remember it being there.

Now consider TROS. What do we know about the character’s future?

Lando offered Jannah some help discovering her roots.

“People are rising up all over the galaxy” -- we even saw a “Holdo move” aka a First Order ship that I am pretty sure was destroyed by lightspeed jump -- above a planet.

Rey is... possibly becoming a Jedi? But would she? Didn’t the Jedi create the Sith? Can she be a Jedi and still bring balance? Hm... fine, let’s say she’s gonna use her new lightsaber and bring Force balance. (But I am seriously guessing here, since the movie gave us no indications.)

Finn is...?

Poe is... what, exactly?

Rose is... ?

Maz is...?

Chewie is the caption of the Falcon now, so... he’s... ?

Zorii is...?

The movie didn’t give us any insight into the character’s futures. It barely touched on what Rey - its protagonist - would be doing, other than calling herself “Skywalker.”

This is likely because Disney/Lucas Films wanted open-ended plots (because keeping track of things for continuity is clearly not their strong suit).

Even so, at the very least, we should’ve had some idea what “the trio” was going onto next. But we don’t.

TL;DR Bullet List Summary

If the original ending of this script included the death of Ben Solo:

his change of heart and/or sacrifice would’ve been mentioned in the resolution at least once in dialog

they won’t have bothered making Ben and Rey a Force Dyad (because it wasn’t needed--and killing off half your protagonist’s soul is neither “hopeful” nor “satisfying”)

his death would’ve been foreshadowed at least twice in the script

there would’ve been dialog (or at least some direct indication) of the fact that Force Healing can result in the death of the Healer if s/he either gives too much of their life force or if s/he exerts himself/herself too much with the Force (for example, in TLJ, Kylo specifically says that Force projection at a long distance can kill)

This was supposed to be Leia’s movie in the trilogy. I always assumed Leia would die (as Han and Luke died in their movies), but I never doubted Ben Solo would survive. Why? Because this is Leia’s movie. Killing her only child in her movie is, as I have said before, rude.

#tros spoilers #sw meta #ben solo #kylo ren

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nebris · 5 years

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"Within Woman, is power to create, nurture, and transform. Blessed are our mothers, our sisters, and our daughters. Woman is Womb. The Creation gateway, the mystery of celestial realms, the motion of life force energy. Remember your womb wisdom, the breasts that flow milk and mystic sagacity. Remember the women who birthed their own fierce souls at creation’s crowning. The women who learned how to burn beneath the wild and searing Sun, who made loud love against the star consumed night, who knew that strength is not always a matter of muscle. Woman is Moon. Woman is Cycles. The seasonal rhythms of the Earth, Gaia. Connected through blood, hormone, and Spirit. This is essence. When full and weeping, Moon steps from the shade of a tumult of mountains and stands in her power knowing no fear. Acknowledge your ancestresses, feel She who is Life. We have forgotten how to dance bare-footed on the Earth, and therefore we have forgotten our true nature. We are the ground itself! Let her dance! Let her flow through you! The female monster’s body is transformative and transgressive, moving outside of the social, ideological concepts of what a female body and feminine behavior should be according to the nineteenth century mainstream British culture. Because she does not comply with cultural constructs of female nature and usually possesses supernatural characteristics (not necessarily powers, but just aspects of the body that extend beyond a normative concept of nature) she is a figure that inspires fear and anxiety within the other characters. Her violence and sexuality (or other characters’ perceptions of her violence and sexuality) subvert the patriarchal society in which she operates. That’s the thing. You can’t [live in] a way that allows you to evade punishment, and you [still won’t be] safe. Look at Laci Peterson. This was a woman who fulfilled every bourgeois domestic ideal, and everyone loved her. She did everything right, and her husband [still] got up one day and decided to throw her in the river. You can warp your life into being what other people need you to be—and it still is not going to protect you. If you’re going to be targeted no matter what they do; they’re not going to like what you say no matter how you say it because you’re talking; they’re coming at you; [and] this is a war, then why not charge? Why not be what they’re afraid of? Why not be the monster? The good girl, the un-trainwreck, is feminine selflessness, taken to its most literal extreme; there is no self, no there, except as a reflection of someone else’s wishes. She never makes mistakes, and she never has regrets, because she never does anything unless she is asked to do it. She is so entirely cleansed of neediness, irrationality, and inner conflict that the average woman cannot imitate her even in silence: Women who go silent about their needs, it turns out, still have needs. They’re silent because they’re repressing what they have to say. The ideal woman has a silence that arises from never wanting to speak about anything at all. And what living thing could be that passive, that quiet? Why is it, really, that we fixate on all of those Dead Blondes and Tragic Princesses? After looking at her long enough—the good woman, the ideal woman, the woman the trainwreck isn’t—you get the disturbing impression that she’s not a woman at all. She is a woman’s corpse. And the trainwreck is crazy because we’re all crazy—because, in a sexist culture, being female is an illness for which there is no cure. [...] Beauty is pain. It is also power. It is both, shifting between pain and power, as if something acrid threading its unblemished surface. Vashti was beautiful, and she wielded that beauty to humiliate a King, no matter the pain. You were beautiful, so beautiful you thought you could suffer the pain of watching your own people die while you hid behind your loveliness. Instead, that beauty and pain transmuted itself into an unspeakable, terrible power. Your wrath, a thunderous, murderous finale, rendering you dangerous, fearsome to behold, and achingly lovely. A queen not because of your physical perfection, but because the horror and rage you transformed it into. Medusa was fearsome. She represented Death and to see her face was to die; turning to stone symbolized dying and becoming a funerary statue. [...] Medusa is a Holy Hag, not a monster. She is a Wise Woman and a Guardian of the Divine Dark. I feel a strong affinity with Medusa and compassion for her story. Her snakes are not evil. They are a symbol of transformation. She doesn't fear her divine power. She is a timeless guardian of magic and healing. Medusa is a protector of women's wisdom, a protector we need now more than ever. I long for her potent, transformative energy to enter our world." Sady Doyle, 'Dead Blondes and Bad Mothers: Monstrosity, Patriarchy, and the Fear of Female Power'

#The Sisterhood

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ralfstrashcan · 5 years

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3x19 Reaction / Commentary

I didn't even skip breakfast today, it's almost as if I'm a real functioning adult ahahaha.

SDFALFJSKLDFJASDF I'M ALREADY A MESS

Ngl those first few shots made me think I had fallen headfirst into a zombie apocalypse movie. Wind swooshing through the speakers, no living soul in sight, no cars driving, just Magnus walking along the street, on the Boulevard of Broken Dreams hahahahaha sorry I'll stop.

Wow what a jerk.

There's been so many hilarious jokes about the “What fool summoned you” line, and my favorite one will forever remain this.

So, points to Magnus for asking, minus points for buying this shit not-sound-at-all story. Even “fatherly love” can't just screw the laws of nature, okay, Magnus shouldn't just skim over this. Then again I can definitely cut him slack on this because he is a little preoccupied with other problems at the moment.

Listen, Magnus's body language throughout this whole scene (and also throughout the sneak peek we saw for 3x20) is so expressive. Imma skim over it because I plan to do a thorough Relationship / Scene Analysis for Magnus and Asmodeus, so let me just leave this picture here uncommented.

No wait, I have a question. Isn't Magnus's magic occupied with guarding Lilith's home? Did Asmodeus pick it up before summoning himself or did he call it just now? Also, does Asmodeus know that Lilith is on the loose? Then again, is she even? Because no Shadowhunter can be bothered to look for her and she did say that she wanted to go back to Edom... but that was probably a lie to get Cain to cooperate. And how could she even send herself back to Edom? So many questions. Anyway moving on because who cares about Lilith.

Magnus's face when he gets his magic back. ....................yes I have no witty words here, sorry.

Lol okay I have. I love this scene, I absolutely LOVE Magnus's face and how expressive it is, but I've also been dreaming of an epic eye-sparkling, energy-crackling mid-battle-scene where Magnus regains his magic for uhhhh almost a year now, and in terms of dramatic-ness this was pretty anti-climactic. And I think we can agree he won't lose his magic again and then get it back in a more dramatic fashion. Also where are his cat eyes I feel cheated.

I mean, come on, even he gets to show them!! Btw what a dick cunning move to use them to manipulate Magnus. Since they made a compelling argument the first time around.

Also LOL Asmodeus playing nice for one second and when Magnus denies him he immediately shows his hand with “I won't take no for an answer.” Man has no patience XD

Finally I wanna give a huge HUGE shout out to Magnus for resisting Asmodeus becuase can you even imagine how low he must be feeling and yet he has enough presence of mind left to realize that whatever comfort Asmodeus offers can't be true, there must be a hook and it's best to stay away. Dude what strength.

“I only lost sight of her for a minute.” “Enough time for the Evil Rune to have taken hold.”

Uuuhhhh since when?? Did they also go to the bathroom together before?? Did I miss that?? I mean, sure, Clary was drifting sometimes, but she spent a whole half episode in the same cell as Jonathan with Jace “away” behind the glass wall and out of her sight, so...... yeah. This is a little sudden.

She keeps saying that but we have yet to see her actually filter anything. #nofilter

“No one can hurt us if we get to Morning Star first. And once we have that sword the entire world will be terrified of us....”

So he wants that evil sword not to open a rift but to keep the NY Shadowhunters off his back so he can live his life in peace. I-n-t-e-r-e-s-t-i-n-g.

Yes, good. Finally learned your lesson.

.............Or not??? I mean it's not like Clary pretended to be on his side before, to lull him into a false security and gain the upper hand. Why would he fall for it now? Because he acts like Jace is the only risk factor here, and Clary is of course truly and wholly on his side. I mean, true, the circumstances are different since she freed him and all, but like. Guy must have trust issues by now. Where are they.

Also

he should start a self help group with Alec hahahahahaha *weeping*

Me, waiting for the next episode of Shadowhunters. (Also I just noticed Simon says “me neither” not “mine neither” so it sounds as if he's not Izzy's thing, either and LOL I couldn't agree more ahahaha.)

Uh-huh, I agree. Perfect timing. I mean, it's not like there was a glaring 98% there earlier, and as if he didn't have plenty of time before to bring this unfortunate line of conversation up. This is on you, Simon. Don't blame the filtering.

HAHAHA ASK ALEC, HE'S GOING TO THROW IT AT HIM HAHAHAHAHAHA

Seriously though. Just, uh, crush it into powder, add some saline solution, done. And I'm not even a scientist. This is intuitive. The heck.

I'm 1000000% on board with all of this, okay. Over excited Alec is the best Alec. Handholding is the best. Magnus's weariness of surprises is headcanon confirmed. Yes to all of it.

So there were a few lines that were widely interpreted as allusions to their kinky sex life and tbh I never bought any of it because I thought it was seeing too much where there was nothing, but this is so very obviously meant in a kinky way that I'll accept it. Another headcanon confirmed ahahaha this episode is so generous to me.

Ugh I'm so gonna have to write something about that. And knowing myself, it'll be sad closeted Alec daydreaming of all the things he can never have.

Question time, what are those weird rivets thingies? Do they hold any meaning? Is their placement of importance? Because they look very deliberate and very there. I'm confused.

Also, this scene was designed to drive me crazy. There's 7 different shots where we see the lock's placement and there are no less than 3 (!!!!!) different placements. Placement #1, #3 and #5 are consistent (though really, #1 and #5 shouldn't even count because they are clearly the same shot, just with Magnus's hand reaching for the lock) on the left side of the yellow lock, to the bottom left of the Dips lock.

Then we see Alec placing it in an empty compartment at the very edge of the construction (placement #2), only for it to be on the compartment below that in the next shot (placement #4), sharing space with a little gray-blueish lock. This is the same place from where Magnus removes it then (placement #6).

I hate inconsistencies, okay, and I really did notice all this the first time watching. I can't not-see stuff like this. The only fun that comes out this detail obsessiveness is the lock that clearly ships Captain America and Captain Marvel (left) and the lock that was placed from two years in the future (right) because ahahahaha did the show forget it takes place in 2016?? It would seem so.

And yes, I chose to focus on this instead of the fact that Magnus incinerates their lock because that hurts my heart too much to think about, okay. That scene was perfect, the music swelling in all the right places and just. So heart-wrenching. I might've teared up a little. You can't prove anything.

Why she not removing those paper thingies? Seems impractical.

Paint on face trope? Check.

Yeah Raphael, lemme pay you some respect for facing your mistakes like that. I like it a lot.

Istg if they don't give him GPS this time and just rely on the tracking rune again, which Jonathan and Clary will insist he blocks, then imma flip my shit.

.......................so many fanfics want to be written here, okay. So many.

Also is no one gonna talk about the fact that they all put the ring on the pointer when that's not the intuitive position to place a ring? For security reasons alone you should put it on your middle finger so it doesn't accidentally slip off. Oh right, I forgot. Magic ring.

I love how Alec's voice wavers and you just know he sends Jace away because he'll start crying if he doesn't (even if in this screen cap Alec looks weirdly happy). Btw headcanon that Jace didn't realize something was up at first and was only tipped off when Izzy asked earlier if Alec was okay, and then he prodded at the parabatai connection and realized... there was nothing. Just a solid wall of nothing, because Alec's been sealing off his feelings completely.

1) Wow, Simon, your condolences are amazing. 2) Please, explain? Is she in a coma? Walking around as if she'd had a lobotomy?? But whatever, just skim over this, she's a minor character anyway and nobody cares about her *shrug*

This is the LAZIEST plot convenience I ever had to see with my own two eyes. I really can't work up the energy to rage about this. Just, wtf. Then again, not calling ahead with vital information seems to be Luke's Thing, just remember the 3x15 disaster. At this point it might as well be considered a character trait of him and no longer plot convenience. *sigh* Also, Shadowhunters are major creeps, am I supposed to believe they don't have a few liters of all of their soldiers' blood stored away somewhere, for reasons?

Uh-huh, Izzy. And if you care to remember, that was about 20 episodes ago. And since vampires have a constant craving for blood they seem to have some kind of metabolic. If you want to tell me that Jace's blood is still IN Simon, then either a) he's been chipping away at the Jace-blood-stash he has hidden in his second gastric and if that runs out he'll no longer be a daylighter or b) Jace's blood went into Simon's cells and changed him on a molecular level..... in which case, to extract it they'd have to remove it, un-daylighter-ing Simon in the process. Or maybe just parts of him? Imagine if he was a daylighter except for his left arm or something. In any case, this is majorly ridiculous and I can't believe I have to suffer through this.

????????????? Who opened that portal? I mean, if he had to call on a warlock to get away, wouldn't it have been easiser for Izzy and Co. to stop him from running through that portal and make him donate some blood first? Instead of forcing this bullshit logic on me? Ugh. But I get it, this is necessary to justify a Sizzy scene. Whatever.

Hahahhahha.

Which means nothing, since Jace can activate his runes without his stele. Or did they forget that part again?? I mean, it's been half a season since he last did that.

“And if it wasn't for our connection I suspect you'd do it again.”

lolololol hilarious.

HAHHAHA WILL YOU STOP WITH THE HILARITY

Honestly, the way they all act I get the distinct feeling I'm watching an exasperated kindergartener and two particularly clingy toddlers vying for her attention XD

Uuuuhhhh yeah hit me with more Malec Flashbacks to make me feel shitty, why don't you.

Okay, consoled. Btw thanks for confirming another headcanon that between the two of them Magnus is the one easier swayed by puppy eyes.

HAHAHAHA of course my mind immediately interpreted that as a misguided pun about Magnus being a Prince of Edom hahahaa wtf Alec

Dammit, his eyes. You can really see how he's allowing himself to start dreaming about it.

Also, can't believe they had a kiddie talk with at least some seriousness, what, two months into their relationship?? Haha. And internally Madzie was like “Uh boring grown up talk, at least I got my sprinkles.”

See, this is what I have problems with. On the one hand, even with all his emotional turmoil going on, Magnus is still enough in his right mind not to fall for Asmodeus's sweet talking, but on the other hand he revisits all of those memories and doesn't realize Alec breaking up with him can't have been real? This doesn't really add up. Either he is out of his mind with emotions that he can't see this very very strange happening for being something fishy (then he shouldn’t have been able to so easily resist Asmodeus), or he's still level-headed enough not to be driven by emotions entirely (then he should have realized the breakup was fake).

toddler fight intensifies

I'M WHEEZING HAHAHAHAHAHAH R U FOR REAL. Also remember my statement from last week? Where I said “I mean, in a way it's nice to know that Demonic Clary isn't smarter than Regular Clary.” Turns out she's so much worse than Regular Clary XD

Lol Raphael is that still you talking or the Plot Point? Because ngl, when I saw that sneak peek promo thingy where Jordan eyes the dramatically last vial of serum in the Institute I immediately thought they want to cook up a conflict there, where he steals the last vial needed to help save Clary and bla bla bla. I really hope they don't go down that road because I feel he should be better than this by now. *sigh* In any case, while I enjoyed the first part of this plot line with Raphael coming here to make reparations, this feels really forced and convenient.

OH MY GOD THANK YOU SIMON FOR ASKING THE IMPORTANT QUESTIONS WTF I NEED ANSWERS

Wow can't believe they pulled this obvious and clearly unfitting parallel to Sizzy. I mean, Simon lost his glasses back in S1 and even before that Izzy noticed he was hot in like ep 2. She's been appreciating him as a friend since at least 2B if not sooner. So please don't pretend that she just didn't notice what a great guy he is, because she did. She knows he's someone you can count on, who's there when you need him, with advice or a joke or just to listen to you. She knows all this, and has for seasons. But, surprise surprise, you don't fall in love with everyone who's a great guy and a good friend. That is a thing. Friendships are a thing. Anyway, at least I can wholeheartedly agree that in any possible scenario Izzy is the hot girl XD

HAHAHA JACE THAT'S PAYBACK FOR ALL THOSE TIMES YOU INTERRUPTED MALEC HAHA KARMA IS A BITCH RIGHT

.......or just use glamors to look like Downworlders. Just saying.

Jonathan using the cuts to get a secretive chest grab in on Jace, but I know all those sleazy tricks and you can't slip that feel-up past me #busted

*weeping tears* yeah, and he'll never get the real deal. what a tragedy.

“...the Downworlder club. I think the runes front and center on my neck make a compelling argument, don't you agree?” Also the foreboding background music totally spoiled this 'twist.' (I'm using ''s because it was totally obvious this wouldn't work.)

Look I just love Alec, okay. I LOVE ALEC.

*waves hand* elite guard *waves hand some more* blue mark on his neck *smacks self in the face with waving hand* look i'm pretty sure Meliorn doesn't have a mark like this and he's like, the only Seelie that gets regular screen and talking time with the queen. But I'm way too behind schedule to start looking into it, I might edit something in here later (or never ahahaha).

OH DEAR THE MOMENT OF TRUTH

YES YES YES PLEASE

DUUUUDE WHY ARE YOU GIVING HIM IDEAS WHAT THE HELL

Also, remembering that short sequence of Magnus shooting red magic at his temples from the promo doesn't bode too well for the rest of the episode. Dammit.

You had one job, Lindsay. One. Job. (Yes, please imagine the Loki Gif here. I just love him a lot, okay. Loki <3<3<3)

(^pls imagine her little disenchanted headshake because any screen caps I tried to take made her look drugged out of her mind lol.)

Yep, this is it. This is it.

Sooooo.... how exactly did they persuade the bouncer? Just curious.

HAHAHAAHAH duuuuuude hahahhaa.

........when exactly did Jonathan spy all that? I mean, I've been having questions about the pacing since that ep with the Baby Jonathan Flashbacks, because that manibus whatever demon? Referring to 2x05. So Jonathan only got to earth after that? Howwww? Not thanks to Valentine, right, since he didn't even know Jonathan existed until 2x15 where Jonathan intercepted him from his portal to Idris? And didn't they say Sebastian Verlac disappeared half a year ago?? How does that all match up?

In any case, I feel like the seelie queen suddenly having a warlock boy toy who she can't order into her realm and who she has monthly scheduled appointments with that the whole shadow world knows about is a) totally absurd b) pretty ooc for her and c) reeking of plot convenience. They just couldn't find a better excuse for her to be at a certain place at a certain time. They should have made her attend a fashion show, or hell, a gardening contest. Would have been more credible than whatever this is.

“I grab the queen. Clary portals the three of us away.” “The four of us, including the queen.”

HAHAHHAHAHHA I CAN'T XD XD XD #slightly consoled

WHEN THE HELL DID JONATHAN READ / WATCH THE SHINING ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW WTF!!!!!

1) This doesn't work in real life. Do you have any idea how much time it takes to catch a snow flake or a raindrop this way? I know because I've tried, and the anwer is ages. 2) Seems a very uneconomical way to distrubute drugs. Whoever invented that business model must be in deep depts by now. 3) What kind of shitty plan was that on Jonathan's part? Get Jace on drugs, he'll surely expose himself to be a traitor? I hate the fact that it works. I hate that everyone's shitty plans always work (re: Sizzy's dilettantish prison infiltration) because that's why they all keep making shitty plans. Positive reinforcement and all that. The only one who always gets punched in the face for making okay-to-good plans is Alec, and that's why he's the overthinker. So unfair.

“Well this is awkward because I just stole it for you.”

So frakkin predictable. Also, how did he steal it from the table when Izzy and Simon where guarding it?? It clearly was still there when Maia left and like

Did Jordan just grab it and run? So many questions.

Don't get me wrong, that whole forging the sword sequence was super badass, but like, if you're wielding scorching hot metal it seems a little impractical to just wear security goggles and a leather apron. There were freaking sparks flying and Izzy ducked. What the hell. What about, idk, unconventional but, a protective suit?? And Simon isn't any better. “Oh, I could die from this sword? Just lemme hide behind this doorway real quick.” *sigh* One of these days a character should die because of dumbass behavior, maybe that'd teach them all a lesson.

Also, this is totally logic. They had a splinter from the original sword that they then made tons of serum from, which they saved 3 vials of..... and somehow this was still enough to forge a whole new frikking sword that's apparently just as powerful as the original one. I don't even know where to start with this bullshit.

.................dude, if you wanted to persuade her you should have pointed out the ring to her. But maybe this isn't about logic at all, this is about wanting to know if he is Clary's first choice without logic or reason, and that would make sense for his character, even if it's not the most sensible or productive course of action.

Me, during the fight scene: “Wow, I believe all that Seelie guard slaughtering is not going to end up in a Downworlder vs Shadowhunter war again..... ha..... hahahaha.”

Arguing with a possessed person. Again. Honestly this is the, uhhh, fifth time this happens on this show? And people just seem to never learn. SIGH

Yeah, by not following the plan and acting stupid, so my sympathy is pretty limited aka non-existent. Btw his slide across the Institute floor was hilarious. And also, pretty nice of Clary not to just kill him. This is the second time she's spared him. Interesting.

ISTG IF THIS SCENE ENDS WITH A CLIFFHANGER IF HE GOES THROUGH WITH IT OR NOT IMMA FLIP MY SHIT

*manic laughter* I love that this makes so much sense. Asmodeus needs Magnus's heartbreak so he'll be susceptible to Asmodeus's influence. So his motives are shitty. On the other hand it's not as if what Asmodeus says to Magnus isn't the truth. Fighting through this will make Magnus stronger, no doubt. Knowing he can be this low and still get back on his feet without running away and succumbing to the pain. And I'm glad, for obvious reasons, that Magnus didn't go through with the memory removal because ain't nobody got time for those issues. Mending the breakup in a satisfying was will be hard enough as is. Back to the scene at hand, I gotta say I love this about Asmodeus: He doesn't lie outright, he mostly lies by omission, and he speaks enough truth to really screw with everyone's perception. It's awesome. He is such a great antagonist and his dynamic with Magnus is highly fascinating.

Conclusion: Not enough Malec (seriously, their only scenes together are flashbacks? the frakkin audacity) but tbh I'm still too high on endorphines since the memory removal didn't happen that I'm mostly okay with it. And the Jonathan-Jace comedy was nice.

#shadowhunters #3x19 #magnus bane #alec lightwood #isabelle lightwood #clary fray #jace wayland #asmodeus #simon lewis #jonathan morgenstern #maia roberts #kyle #luke garroway #raphael santiago #reaction

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