#except maybe green goblin doesn’t actually exist at all

[theshadowrealmitself]

We need more Spidey au’s where they go to alternate universes and see people who are villains in their universe and assume that it must be the same in this universe, but nope! not evil! they’re just assuming the worst from them so that’s what they see

Example: They pop into a universe where Aaron Davis and Peter Parker work together and they think that Aaron must still be working with Kingpin in this universe because some of his actions are odd around the lab, but actually he’s just in the middle of a prank war with Peter that he cannot lose in front of his nephew

Or they meet alternate Venom, but it’s the Tom Hardy Venom, so more anti-heroes or whatever than the villain that Venom usually is in other universes

Norman Osborn doing absolutely nothing wrong but all of his actions come across as unsettling because He’s Just Like That™️, etc etc etc

[mask131]

Green spring: Midsummer Night’s fairies (2)

PUCK AND OBERON before Shakespeare

Category: European folklore

This is a follow-up post to my previous Green spring entry, about Shakespeare’s famous trio of fairies – Puck, Oberon and Titania from “A Midsummer Night’s Dream”. While I previously briefly looked at them in the context of their theater play (though I just stayed at the surface-level of things, I invite you to search on your own for all those Shakespearian complexities), with this post I want to look at their actual folkloric and legendary origins – because Shakespeare didn’t actually invent those fairy characters out of nowhere!

Well… Except maybe for Titania. There are several fairy queens in British folklore, but Shakespeare doesn’t seem to have taken inspiration from any of them when creating Titania – as I said before she seems to have been mostly based on the nymphs and goddesses of Greco-Roman myths, with an emphasis on Ovid’s Metamorphoses. But for Oberon and Puck, that’s a whole other story…

1) Puck outside of Shakespeare

Puck or Robin Goodfellow is actually a pretty well established character of British folklore – he was mentioned in several literary works and theater plays well before Shakespeare. A pretty well-established character… or a pretty well established species. For you see, while there are many accounts of a supernatural entity called “Puck” or “Robin Goodfellow”, sometimes there are also records of several of them existing at the same time, to the point people talked about the “Robingoofellowes”. In fact, remember how in Shakespeare’s another name for Puck was “Hobgoblin”? Well it was the case in folklore too: the Robingoodfellowes were treated as identical to the Hobgoblins as a race – or to the Hobgoblin as a unique character.

Let’s talk a bit etymology. Hobgoblin. What’s the difference with a regular goblin? Well… there are debates about the “Hob”. “Hob” has been attested in the midlands of England (the Anglo-Scottish border) as a term designated all supernatural beings, and treated as a synonym of “elf” – so a “hobgoblin” would be an “elf-goblin”. Other point out that “Hob” might be a deformation of “Rob”, aka… short for “Robin”, of “Robin Goodfellow”. And what about this “Goodfellow” part? Well it certainly wasn’t because he was such a good fellow… The common explanation is that it is a naming convention similar to how fairies and elves were called “the fair folk” or the “good neighbors” by the people of England – it is an ancient technique according to which when a being is dangerous or poses some kind of threat, you need to give them flattering and nice name in hope of avoiding their wrath or not offending them. As such, the Robin would have been called a “Goodfellow” because people feared his mischief and wanted to please him;

Because that’s one of the main characteristics of the Puck: his mischievousness. A Robin Goodfellow was considered a kind of “spirit” (supernatural being), but more “familiar and domestical than the others” – it means that Robin Goodfellows tended, for unknown reasons, to settle into one given place, usually a human building, and treat it as if it was their own house, refusing to leave. This position makes him eerily similar to other “domestic fairies” and “familiar spirits” of the local lands: the brownies of Scotland, for example, with whom the “hobgoblins” were often confused. After all, both were described as small, hairy men that lived in human’s houses, and who did all sorts of chores around the place when the human inhabitants were asleep (dusting, ironing, needle-working, butter-churning…), often in exchange for some food left for them (usually white bread and milk left by the housewives) ; and just like brownies, hobgoblins were said to be banished from a house if someone offered them clothes (for some it is because with new clothes, they will be too proud to work, others say it is because they will get offended by this gift). But the main difference was that, while the brownies are described as peaceful entities all about serving mankind, as I said the hobgoblins were pranksters primarily concerned with joking and goofing around – their duties to the house or the people was just a secondary trait of theirs. That, and how much… let’s say “moody” the pucks are – on top of the “offering clothes” above, it is said that if you displeased a puck in any way, he would promptly undo all of the chores and small work he did around the house through various tricks ; or that if you neglected him, he would start stealing around, claiming that the things in the house would make as a due payment for his services.

The main signs of the presence of a “Robin Goodfellow” in your house are strange and unusual noises: often hidden or invisible, but sometimes in plain sight, the Goodfellowes like to mock people out loud or imitate them ; they also like to produce music that seemingly comes from nowhere, and to produce all sorts of loud, unusual or annoying noises (such as bells ringing) ; and if you call them, they will answer you. However, despite being able to spook and frighten people, the Puck is constantly said to actually be harmless to people (or to cause very little damage). A puck is usually just a laughing and merry spirit who only does “jests and gawdes”, and in fact can communicate and appear so regularly to the owner of a house that said owner will lose any fear of it and get used to its presence.

Outside of the “Robin Goodfellow”, the most famous of all hobgoblins, other renowned mischief-makers included Robin Roundcap of Spaldington Hall, Blue Burches of Blackdown Hills, or Billy Blind talked about in the ballads of F. J. Child.

2) Oberon before Shakespeare

Oberon is an hybrid case. He wasn’t entirely invented by Shakespeare, like Titania, but he also simply wasn’t plucked out of local folklore, like Puck. What Shakespeare did was take a renowned literary figure, and reshape/rewrite it to become his king of the fairies everybody knows today.

And to look back at Oberon’s evolution, I will invite you to go back to my “Cold Winter” series, and take a look there at my post about Alberich. Remember Alberich? The magical Germanic dwarf that guarded the treasure of the Nibelungen in Siegfried’s story? Well he is the start of Oberon’s story. In fact, if I haven’t said it before, Alberich very names points out what he will become in the future, since it means “ruler of the elves” (alb, elf ; rih, ruler or king ; alb-rih, alberich).  

But if you know your Germanic/Norse texts, you’ll think that Alberich is a far cry from Shakespeare’s Oberon. Where is the missing link? Well the missing link is the country between England and Germany: France. In the 13th century, a “chanson de geste” (basically a poem about the exploits of a great figure) was written, called “Les Prouesses et faitz du noble Huon de Bordeaux” (The prowess and acts of the noble Huon of Bordeaux). It tells the story of Huon, the son of the count of Bordeaux, who ended up murdering in self-defense the royal prince and to obtain a pardon, must undergo a redeeming pilgrimage/quest. As he is leaving, Huon travels a forest called Monmur where an elf is said to dwell, and Huon was warned before not to talk to it. They encounter a child-sized, but very handsome man, and Huon’s companion recognizes the elf – he tells Huon to flee without talking to it, to avoid falling into some sort of supernatural trap. But no matter how much they try to outrun him, the pretty-looking dwarf keeps following them, trying to start a conversation, and ultimately Huon proves himself too polite and decides to stop to chat a bit with the elf, who as it turns out is named Auberon (a deformation of Alberich). In exchange for this talk, Auberon offers Huon and his companion to eat and sleep at his dwelling – and he turns out to be a pretty powerful fairy of royal blood! For you see, as it is revealed, Aubéron is the half-human son of Julius Caesar, and the half-fairy son of Morgue, queen of the fairies of Avalon (note: Morgue is a local French deformation of the name “Morgan”, and the recurring character of the Morgue fairy is a literary cousin or double of the Arthurian Morgan). We also learn that he got his small size due to a curse that an angry fairy threw at him upon his christening (yep, just like in the fairy tales), but the same fairy later came to regret what she did, and added a blessing: that he would be more beautiful than any mortal man, and the most virtuous of all the Earth-dwellers.

Auberon, who now considers Huon his friend, offers him two gifts for his upcoming Babylonian adventures. One is a magical cup (well… a hanap to be precise) made of gold, that is always empty when a wicked man holds it, but always full for those with a pure heart. The other is an ivory horn – if Huon blows into it, Auberon will arrive with his invincible magical army to help him. BUT… in exchange Huon must do two promises. One, to only blow in the horn in case of extreme need. Two, to never lie. If Huon breaks one of these promises, he will lose Auberon’s friendship. Despite that, Huon breaks the promise soon after leaving Auberon’s domain – out of vanity, he blows into the horn, and when Auberon arrives he scolds heavily Huon. But in front of Huon’s sincere excuses, Auberon agrees to forgive him. He also throws in a warning about a nearby town Huon shouldn’t go into, because its king kills all the Christians that enter it ; he adds a prophecy announcing that Huon will have many trials in his quest, and that he won’t be able to succeed in his journey without suffering, before disappearing. Huon still however gets entangled with the Christians-killing king, and as he is trapped in his city he uses the ivory horn again – Auberon arrives and with his army helps defeat the wicked king. But he then warns Huon of not entering a second city, where dwells a giant called Prideful – this warning is sincere, as the fairy-king explains that even with all of his mighty powers, he could not defeat the giant. Huon will however manage such a feat.

Much later in the story, Huon will lie in the city of Babylon, where he is threatened with being put to death if he is Christian – since he pretends to be pagan, Auberon withdraws his friendship, and the next time Huon blows in the horn Auberon refuses to answer. After many more trials, including imprisonment and torture, Huon is chosen by the emir of Babylon as his champion to fight a giant called Agrapart, the brother of the deceased Prideful who is seeking revenge. Upon entering this fight, Huon suddenly regains the friendship of Auberon and his magical items work again – and after more fights, Auberon appears to Huon and warns him as he is about to go home with a lovely girl he fell in love with. He warns Huon to not have sex with the girl before their union has been blessed by the Pope himself in Rome – but, as usual, Huon disobeys, has sex with her on the ship crossing the sea, which causes a huge storm and a shipwreck… Anyway I won’t recap the entire epic, because it is long and convoluted, but basically there’s this cycle of Huon calling Auberon whenever he needs help, and Auberon constantly warning Huon about future trials but the knight refusing to listen to the elf’s prophecies. In fact, at one point Huon will reject Auberon because he deems him the “cause” of all of his misfortunes, blaming the dwarf’s prophecies rather than his own refusal to listen to the warnings he has been constantly given… But all on his own, Huon proves that he can get into a very big mess because upon returning home, he loses the precious objects he had gained in his quest to obtain his pardon, a conspiracy is organized to make him look like a liar in front of the king, and he is about to get sentenced to death despite his friends’ attempts at saving him… Auberon, crying for the fate of the one he thinks of as his protégé, ultimately decides to interfere himself – he appears out of nowhere in the royal court where Huon’s trial is organized (which terrifies everybody), he uses his magical gold hanap to prove who is virtuous and who is wicked, he scolds heavily the king for being fooled by the conspiracy, he uses magic to have the stolen objects of Huon appear in front of everyone, and when the real culprits behind the whole thing are found… Auberon has gallows appear by magic to hang them on the spot. In the end, Auberon even goes as far as offer his kingdom to Huon and his new wife – so that they may rule over it.

This French epic got a huge success, so big it had several sequels and prequels written about it (such as one detailing the adventures of Huon as the “King of Féerie”), and due to the importance of the character of Auberon (after all he actually opens the novel, is a key character and even solves the climax), he also got his own side-novel detailing his own adventures and romances outside of his involvement with Huon. It is very probably that Shakespeare learned of the character of Auberon through the English translation of the original poem, “Huon of Burdeuxe”, by John Bourchier in 1540.

- - - - -

One last origin story should be talked about… The one of Puck. Yes, I have already written about Puck outside of Shakespeare… But of the English Puck! You see, the English “Puck” is part of a wider family of beings, all local variations of a same creature. “Puki” in Sweden and Iceland, “pwca” in Welsh, “pouque” in the Channel Islands, “bucca” in Cornland… And “puca” in Ireland. And “puca”, the Irish puck, offers a fascinating variation of the puck myth.

[Note: The proper Irish term is púca, plural púcai, which is a word also used as a synonym for “ghost” in Irish, while “puca” without the accent is the Old English term, that was used as a synonym of “goblin” ; but given I can’t type easily the accent, I’ll write “puca” from now on].

So, what is the “puca”? Well… it is a fairy, a spirit, a creature that can mean either good or bad fortune. Puca were renowned shapeshifters, able to take on a lot of appearances: they could become a horse, a goat, a cat, a dog, a hare, a rabbit, a raven, a fox, a wolf… But they usually always take the shape of a black animal, and sometimes can be betrayed by other unusual fact (they can appear as wild colts, but wrapped in chains, or as beautiful and sleek horses, but with glowing golden eyes). Interestingly, the most difficult shape they can take is apparently the one of a human – because whenever they appear as a man, they are always betrayed by other animal ears or an animal tail.

On their “bad fortune” side, the pucai are terrifying and menacing entity, whose intentions range from mischievousness to pure wickedness. As horses, they encourage humans to ride on their back, only to take them on a wild and terrifying journey before dropping them back at the place he met them. If they meet an unwary traveler on the road, they will confuse and spook them, if not outright harm them. Children were also warned to not eat overripe blackberries, because a puca could have slipped inside the berry and might be trying to enter the child’s body. Found in isolated and rural areas, some stories even turn the pucai into horrific monsters: carnivorous beasts that hunt down humans to eat them, or vampire-like entities sucking the blood of their victims.

In its “good fortune” side, the puca was said to often appear to warn or prevent an accident, or an encounter with a malevolent spirit/fairy. They could give good advice to the people they met, or guide them away from harm. It was also said that when a puca tried to trick you into a ride, you could control and subdue the creature by wearing sharp spurs – to the point that pucai were said to never try to prank or harm someone who wore sharp spurs (or the “sharp things” as the pucai call them). Only one man was known to have used a puca as a ride (or THE puca, since it is unclear if there is only one or several of them) – Brian Boru, one of the high kings of Ireland, who stole three hairs from a puca’s tail, used them to create a magical bridle, and used it to subdue a puca into becoming his regular horse.

The Puca is intensely associated with the Celtic festival known as Samhain (31st of October), and the following “November Day” (1st of November). Samhain was the last possible time for farmers to bring their crops inside their farms – anything left out in the fields beyond Samhain was “puka”, aka “fairy-blasted”, aka inedible. On the 1st of November, it is said you can meet the puca on the hills or mountains, and if you ask for it he will give you prophecies and warnings. On the same day, the puca is said to spit or defecate on all the wild fruits he encounters, making them dangerously inedible ; but it is also thought that the 1st of November being the “puca’s day”, it is the only day on which he will be civilized and polite towards human beings. Some farmers also like to leave a small part of their harvest out for the puca during the Samhain festival – especially in County Down, where the puca would appear as a disfigured goblin to demand his due if his share of the harvest wasn’t given. EDIT: I was also recently informed of other works involving Oberon and showing his evolution, so I will list them here for now. Purcell's "The Fairy Queen" (not to be confused with Spenser's The Fairy Queen) ; Greene's "James IV" and Christoph Martin Wieland's "Oberon"

[ask-spider-man-61610]

So I think you’ve talked about your Doc Ock a bit on here... but have you ever encountered any other Ocks in other dimensions? How do they match up to yours?

Yes, I have. Doctor Octopus might not be exactly a universal constant, but it's certainly a common enough title that I've crossed paths with a fair number of them. I'm going to give a short little rundown of each of them, and why they should go to hell. This is gonna be a salty list. If you didn't want that, you should've come to someone else.

The Otto Octavius of Earth-1512 was the first alternate Ock I ever encountered. Unlike most of the Ocks on this list, I don't know or care what his deal is--I just spent an hour in my first ever alternate universe before I saw a man in armored green and yellow throwing cars around with mechanical tentacles. He was also working with the Green Goblin and holding civilians hostage at the time, which in my opinion is reason enough to put him in the ICU like I did. I've never been back to this universe and never will, but presumably he's just doing the same shit every month or so.

The Otto Octavius of Earth-8363, colloquially called God Ock because I guess we can't fucking help but stroke his ego, was the Ock I met during my first outing with what'd eventually be the Cluster. He's a weird edge case. First we fought a robotic duplicate of him, then his actual self after he'd done the dumbest thing I've ever seen an Ock do and integrated an extradimensional energy source into his fucking body in a bid for omnipotence. I suspect he was already basically dead when Gwen ripped the Shard out, but he had a backup personality on a secret hard drive and so we've met his AI self. He agrees it wasn't his smartest move. Still, fuck this guy. He apparently stabbed my alternate self in the back so he deserves what he got.

Oliver Octavius, of Earth-42711a, isn't a doctor. I refuse to call him Doctor Octopus, but he's calling himself that because he claims to be the son of Otto Octavius. Knowing Otto, I'm more than a little skeptical of that claim, but that doesn't change the fact that in a bid to be just like Daddy he dropped out of college to become a supervillain. When Melly noted that this plan was less than stellar he interpreted that as a personal betrayal and has sworn revenge on her. He's temperamental, idolizing of a man he's never met, and has an ego more fragile than sugar glass--and he's not even good at villainy. I walked into his lair, kicked his ass, and walked out again in less than five minutes. Oliver's pathetic. And he knows it, because he's scrambling to compensate with a desperation that anyone with half a brain can see is going to kill him very, very soon.

The Otto Octavius of Earth-22701 needs to fucking leave Morgan alone. The Peter Parker of that universe died like a century ago, and that Otto's engineered a way to stop aging so he doesn't even need to fight superheroes anymore. But no, he reads about a kid in New Orleans with my powers and decides that that's obviously his dead enemy having, I dunno, reincarnated or something. Instead of being the result of the spider-related experiments that he funded. I don't have a lot of respect for this Otto's intelligence. I've only met him in-person once, when I was going on the warpath and beating up everyone who's ever tried to kill Morgan, but for some reason having an actual Peter Parker knock two of his teeth out wasn't enough to deter him from his theory about Morgan being me. I'll try again as soon as I get a chance.

Odyssia Octavius, the Ock of Earth-777, is probably the least scientist and most mad of all the mad scientists here. Also the one who leans the hardest into the Octopus aesthetic, because alone among the Ocks she's a marine biologist. Now, unlike certain counterparts of mine I could mention, I actually don't give a fuck about her decision to serve an eldritch sea monster for power. Nor am I opposed to her overall goal--obviously we gotta save the environment, and obviously we're gonna have to fuck up some industries to make that happen. That's fine. My problems with her are more related to her habit of painfully twisting people she's got a grudge on into horrific monsters and then siccing said monsters on the populace. Even if that wasn't fucking abominable and evil beyond all recompense, it doesn't exactly convey the green message she's trying to go for. Maybe the Writhing One is modifying her logic to suit its own ends, using her as a puppet to get what it wants. Maybe she just fucking sucks. I've only ever spoken to her through the Internet, but if we ever meet face to face I'll be sure to ask which one it is right after I kick her ass and rip off big handfuls of that magic tattoo.

October Otto, the Doctor Octopus of Earth-2, is the only person in this list who I'm not inclined to attack on sight. It took me a little while to get to that point--when the me of Earth-2, Pax, introduced us I was pretty suspicious. But out of all the Ocks I've ever met, this is the only one who's not...nefarious. They're a little eccentric, more than a little shy, but overall a very well-meaning and selfless biologist. I'm glad I met them, even if their tentacles make me a little nauseous to think about. They and I still communicate occasionally, and after what happened to Pax I've been checking in with them to ask about their progress on a cure. This is one of the few people with whom I've ever felt the need to share my files on the Oz virus. I hope it does them good.

With the exception of October, all of these people are fucking awful. But none of them are as dangerous or as detestable as the Otto Octavius of Earth-61610.

The Otto I know is an unrivalled genius. His entire existence is devoted to biorobotics, and over the years he's integrated man and machine on a level that makes the Iron Man armor look like a remote-controlled action figure. He's modified his tentacles to counter my super speed, he's designed and redesigned a zillion different personal helpers, he's made himself the center of a technological superpower controlled solely by his mind. And unlike a lot of Ocks, he's not being manipulated by his tentacles. Nor was he driven insane by the accident that fused them to his body. No, this is a perfectly sane, rational prosthesis engineer who got so frustrated with the bounds of the law that he decided he had the right to start snapping necks.

He's a futurist, is the thing. A man with a grand vision of the technological utopia he could turn the world into, who thinks without a shadow of doubt that he knows what's best for the world and everyone in it, and who's decided that if you try to stop him from realizing that vision that the best thing to do is Remove you from the equation. Worse, he's written off massive swaths of the human race off as expendable--as little people whose lives are a perfectly acceptable sacrifice to bring about his future, who maybe even should be thanking him for the chance to finally mean something.

Every Octobot contains at least a few pieces of human brain. He kidnaps people, lobotomizes them, and integrates parts of their central nervous system into his systems to make his robots more adaptable and independent than purely mechanical systems could be. He's seeded mass-produced medicine with nanotech that hijacked the nervous system of the people who took it and turned them into unconscious parts of a worldwide neural network. On more than one occasion, he's tried to turn entire cities into his own personal laboratories, and everyone inside into lab rats.

Otto Octavius is a monster. No other Ock I've ever met even comes close.

[inkandpen22]

Beautiful Angel of Darkness (7/?)

Pairing: Spike x Female!Reader 

Warnings: Mild swearing 

Word Count: 1.8k

Part Summary: Y/N is starting to improve and live by Angel’s lifestyle. Then, someone pays her a visit. 

Masterlist

Six months later... 

Who would've thought working at the law firm as one of Angel's team members would be so fulfilling? Granted, it took a moment to get settled... more like a month. There was a withdrawal period, not pretty. Angel sort of locked me away in his basement for a few weeks. After that, I bounced right back and started fresh! Now, I'm Angel's assistant, much better than Harmony. I gave her the boot as soon as I got released from the basement cell. 

I step off the elevator to Wolfman & Hart with Angel's usual blood bag in a cup and my iced coffee. I drink my blood bag on the way here. 

I set everything down at my desk in front of the firm's sign. The normalcy of having a daily routine again is nice. When I was with Spike, I thought normalcy would bore me to death. I guess Angel was right, there is some humanity left in me. 

I knock on Angel's office door, blood cup in hand. When he announces for me to enter, I greet him warmly and immediately get into the day's agenda. 

"Morning Boss, we have a busy day ahead of us!" 

As per usual, he wears a crossed expression as he stands behind his desk shuffling through some papers. 

He sighs in frustration, "Y/N, have you seen the-" 

I place his mock coffee cup in his hand so I can grab the case file from under my arm. He glances between me and the file in amazement. 

"You left it on my desk when you were leaving last night," I explain with a light chuckle. 

"You're a lifesaver," he thanks as he eases down in his chair. 

"It's what I'm here for," I shrug and lean against his desk beside him. 

"Sorry for keeping you here late this week. I'm sure you much rather be home," he apologizes as he reviews the contents of the case. "I just... I don't know how to go about this." 

"Maybe a fresh pair of eyes?" I suggest, reaching for the file. 

Angel hesitates to hand it over. He doesn't like me working directly on cases. He believes I'm not ready for the gruesomeness of them and that the blood may trigger me to regress.

"Angel, I'll be fine!" I assure him confidently. 

Reluctantly, he hands over the papers and I begin to skim the crime scene photographs.  The police are involved, believing it to be a violent murder. However, Angel and the others are pinning it with a series of animal attacks the last few days. They suspect a werewolf. Angel wasn't wrong, these images are rather unsettling, but nothing I can't handle. 

"Based on the slashes on the neck, I would agree with you and say it's not cut wounds. There are no signs of forced entry either," I analyze. 

"But all of the damage..." He debates. 

"It's from the attack. If you were being attacked by a werewolf, you'd toss a lamp and vase at it, wouldn't you?" I reason. "The front door is in perfect condition, except for the blood, of course. I suspect the victim knew their attacker," I determine and hand the file back to Angel. 

He leans back in his chair, deep in thought. Humming, he considers my predictions. "That would certainly narrow down the suspect list." 

"Was she single?" I question. 

He frowns in confusion, "I think so, why?" 

"Check her calendar, see who her latest date was with," I suggest as I rise from my leaning position against his desk. 

"You got all of that from looking at one photo?" Angel remarks in astonishment. 

I glance over my shoulder as I head toward the door. "Told you shouldn't let me help sooner," I wink. 

_____________________________________

At noon sharp, Angel likes his second cup of O Neg. It sounds tedious, knowing exactly when my boss likes his blood. If someone told me months ago that I would be fetching Angel everything he needs, I would've killed them. Ironically, I've never felt never more human than when I'm at Wolfman & Hart. I feel like I have a life of my own, my existence. Before...Before Spike, I belonged to my family. Then, I belonged to Spike. Now, I belong to myself. Granted, Angel watches me like a hawk, but he's easing up. 

Angel and the others hold a team meeting at the same time I'm supposed to deliver his refreshment. More and more lately, Angel lets me sit in on the meeting.  It's usually so that I can act as a scribe while they talk, but I still appreciate the invite. 

Carrying my files, notepad, and Angel's drink, I back into his office door as I'm handless at the moment. Right when the door gives, I immediately announce his dinner plans with a major banker to discuss his Greed Demon issue. "Don't forget tonight, the meeting with Stuart Lawrence! You have to be at his residence in Brentwood at seven o'clock sharp and-" 

I stop dead in my tracks as my eyes flicker toward Angel's desk. Instead of just seeing Angel stressing over some papers, as usual, I see a bleach blonde vampire reading over his shoulder. 

The paper coffee cup falls from my hand and spills on the floor by my feet. The substance coats my left heel, staining it crimson. 

"Y/N..." Spike utters my name with his smooth accent. 

"Oh my God..." I whisper breathlessly in awe. 

Angel flies up from his chair and points to the door. "Y/N, get out of here!" 

"Never took you for the lawyer type," Spike smirks mischievously as he slithers toward me. "Gotta admit though, loving the working woman style." He gestures at my body up and down like I'm a mannequin in a store. 

Behind me, the other members of Angel's team enter for their meeting. 

"Lorne, take Y/N home!" Angel instructs. 

"Right away, Boss," Lorne complies.

"Take one step closer to her green goblin and I'll bite your head off!" Spike threatens sharply. 

"Spike, stop it!" Angel barks. 

"Oh come on, Angel," Spike dismisses as he closes in on me. His fingers comb through the ends of my hair. "It isn't like you to ruin a perfectly good reunion!" 

My body tenses under his touch, much to Spike's dismay. It wasn't long ago that his embrace was the only thing that kept me tied down to Earth. Now, it makes me shutter. 

"You shouldn't be here!" Angel growls as he rushes over to us and yanks Spike away from me. "She's been doing great without you!" 

"Have you forgotten? She was mine before she was yours," Spike chuckles wickedly. 

The English vampire turns to me again and caresses my cheek. His eyes continue to linger in my memories late at night staring at me intensely. 

"Did you really think I was going to let you go?" He mumbles to me and the words make my heartache. 

"Get away from her!" Angel hisses warningly, on the verge of throwing Spike through the top floor window.

Spike ignores Angel and continues to admire me. "Did you miss me, My Love?" 

Yes. 

I shake my head while I slip my hand over his to remove it from my cheek. "You hurt me. I can never forgive you for what you did." 

Spike's face falters immensely. "Y/N... Let me explain! I-" 

"No!" I stand my ground, something I never used to do when we were together. "You deceived me, used me, broke me!" I switch my gaze between Spike and Angel frantically until I find myself overwhelmed. "I... I can't do this... I'm sorry Angel, excuse me." 

Thus, I hurry out the door past my coworkers before anyone can stop me. Both Angel and Spike call for me, but I ignore each of them as I gather my things and disappear onto the elevator. 

________________________

After today's cluster of events, a long shower was much needed. I have no doubt Angel will be visiting me once the workday is over, just to check-in. I can't believe Spike is here in Los Angeles. It all felt like a dream or perhaps a nightmare. How dare he come here after half a year and expect me to act as though nothing happened. 

Immediately after my shower, I go to my kitchen to fix myself a cup of tea. I stick the kettle on the stovetop before I get dressed. At first, living alone startled me, but since then I've grown to prefer it. I like the peace. After long days at the office, time alone and space alone is what I need. 

"Y/N," a voice makes itself known. 

My hand flies up to my chest as I pant. "Spike! Jesus and Mary! What the actual fuck?!" 

"A vampire scared of the dark... how ironic," he teases with a smirk. 

"Get out!" I shout, pointing toward the door. "I'm not even dressed you feen!" I start to march back to my bedroom which makes Spike follow. What part of 'get out' doesn't he understand? 

"Oh come on, Love. It's not like I haven't seen anything before," he insinuates. 

"Get out!" I repeat. 

"No, not until you hear what I have to say!" He insists. 

"You love Buffy! Congrats! Now, go be with her!" I urge him away. 

Abruptly, Spike grabs my forearm and yanks me to a halt. His free hand flies up to my chin and forces me to meet him in the eye. I fight him off, prying at his arms, but nothing works. 

"I never loved her!" He barks at me. "Well... maybe a little once... but that was before I met you! That night I didn't cheat on you! I swear it! I went over to her house to kill her and when I got there she was crying! Her mother has been ill! That's why I couldn't come sooner... plus I... I..." 

"You what?" I growl in disdain. 

"I got a soul for you," he remarks calmly, nearly solemnly. 

I frown, how is that possible? 

"You what?" I question. 

"I went to the desert, got my soul back so I could be like Angel..." He explains. "To be like someone you'd want to be with," he adds. 

He softens his grip on my face. To my surprise, I don't pull away. I stare into his blue eyes with astonishment. How could he get back his soul? Is that why it took him so long to come and find me? For months I wondered if he would ever come... but he never did. When I finally started to get settled and moved on he shows up. Spike's hand falls from my face with a sigh.  

"Forget this. Never mind," he starts to back away. "Have a good life, Y/N." 

I stand frozen, speechless, and unsure what to do as Spike struts away toward the door. Thus again, he has disappeared from my life. 

________________

Masterlist 

Tags:  @currently-obsesed-with-spike @mx-pibbles @shy-ginger-in-the-graveyard

[askkrenko]

Krenko’s Guide to Creature Types: Human

Art by Mark Rosewater

What is a Human (flavorfully)?

It’s actually pretty poorly defined. Humans are a race like Goblins, Elves, and Dwarves, but they’re varied to the point of incoherence. Humans exist in basically all classes and on all planes, and their cultures often barely resemble each other. While Elves always have that naturalistic bend and Vedalken are clearly the smart ones, Humans do a bit of everything. Perhaps that’s they’re gimmick- huge versatility- but the fact is that they’re good enough at everything to be muscling in on all the other races’ territories, so it’s just not interesting.

What is a Human (mechanically)?

Humans are a race that can go in any color with any class. They tend to be small, but there a few with large power, including one that’s an 8/8 for no apparent reason. I think maybe he’s supposed to represent an entire human battleship, because he can only attack people who control islands, but it’s not really clear. 

Actual Human reward cards are primarily in White but appear in all five colors. White and Green Human rewards make your Humans stronger, Red and Blue simply reward you for playing or controlling Humans, and Black wants to sacrifice Humans or reward you for letting your Humans die.

Can I make a Human deck?

Making a Human deck is trivial and you’ve probably already done it. Go ahead, look at your decks. I’m sure at least one of them is mostly humans.

Humans are the most populous creature type in Magic: the Gathering by a wide margin, to the point that it’s actually kind of depressing. At over 2500 cards, there are more than 3x as many Humans as there are Wizards, the second most common creature type. Reminder here that this game is made by a company NAMED “Wizards.”

You can make a Human deck in any format. Sure, sometimes they’re better or worse in Standard, but they’re always going to be great in everything else, because there’s so many of them that all you really need is cards that say ‘choose a creature type.’ The actual Human rewards are just gravy.

For Commander, there’s a frankly absurd 360 Legendary Humans to choose from at the time of this writing, though only a few are designed for Human Tribal.

General Kudro of Drannith, Jirina Kudro, and the partner pairs of Tyrnn and Silvar and Shabraz and Brallin  are all designed in Ikoria specifically to lead Human tribal decks. Bruna, the Fading Light, and Sigarda, Heron’s Grace, though not humans themselves, are Angels that reward playing a deck full of humans.  Of these options, Jirina Kudro is probably just the best for Human Tribal. Making tokens and giving your creatures all +2/+0 is a serious buff that will help win a game, and three colors gives plenty of options.

There’s one other Legendary Human for human rewards, but due to the circumstances surrounding that card, I’m just going to say that if you choose to use it in a Humans deck before its proper reprinting, I’m going to judge you for it.

Pictured: Not that human

Is Human a good creature type?

Human is one of the worst creature types in Magic. There’s too many of them, they’re not an interesting race, and the only place there’s an identity to them worth noting is on Innistrad. Humans on Innistrad are really cool, as they’re this group of inherently weak beings surrounded by monsters that want to eat them, and we get that on Ikoria, too, so it’s interesting to watch them have to band together to not be dinner, or see some turn to dark powers to get by. But in a place like Ravnica or Dominaria, they’re boring. They’re just another species, but they’re one that doesn’t bring anything to the table. 

Human rewards can be cool and interesting, especially in limited, but the problem comes in older formats. While a card like Thalia’s Lieutenant or Champion of the Parish is solid in Draft and Good in Standard, the sheer volume of humans in older formats means it’s trivial to fill your deck only with cards that trigger them. Goblin and Merfolk rewards tend to come with the inherent drawback that you only have so many Goblins and Merfolk to play. There’s so many humans that any human reward is automatically, well, five times as good as a Goblin reward, because there’s five times the number of humans as Goblins.

Look, I get that for some stupid reason, people ‘like’ humans. They want them, and they want lots of them… but they’re not good for the health of the game in the quantities that we get them. Many sets have something like 20% of the creatures being humans, and some have even more. That’s just too much. A quick skim suggests the average set these days has 150 creatures and 30 humans. Not a hard and fast rule, but that’s what I’m seeing.  And it’s not inconsistent with the fact that a bit over 20% of all creatures in Magic: the Gathering are human. 20%.  That’s absurd.

Also, have you met humans? They’re assholes. Every last one of them. Except Dave. And maybe Tom Hanks.  BUT THE REST OF THEM ARE. Seriously. Look, I get that I live on Ravnica, not everybody does, but I have to deal with Humans basically every day of my life. I don’t get the luxury of living in primarily Goblin territory. We’ve had sets in Lorwyn before, and it was great. I’d just like to see a few more sets that don’t have humans or, like BFZ/Oath, are really low on humans. 

[secret-engima]

Burn my Heart Out, Fili and Kili staunchly stand by Bilbo while he hovered near death. So staunchly they don’t notice that no one really wants to kill him, except maybe the greedy idiot down in Laketown. And then the Armies marched.

*slaps table* YES. Kili and Fili are Fussing™. Nobody wants to kill Bilbo, all the dwarves are freaking out because their Hobbit is actually a dragon and their dragon-Hobbit is DYING from wounds he got fighting SMAUG and they don’t know what to DO-.

Thorin is too busy going into Protecc Mode to really let the Gold Sickness take him, and as conflicted as he is that Bilbo is a DRAGON … he fought Smaug. He killed Smaug, he has gone through so much for them, he lies on the now-hard gold floor of the throne room where they tried to drown the evil drake and shivers while Oin struggles to learn Dragon Care right this exact second, mere inches form death, ALL FOR THEM. And there is a voice in his head, whispering that Bilbo just wants the gold, like all dragons, like all OUTSIDERS but he doesn’t listen, because when he looks at the dragon shivering on the floor (so much smaller than Smaug, so huge compared to elves or men or dwarves yet so TINY compared to the fire-drake and Thorin wonders how YOUNG Bilbo is by dragon years, if Thorin has dragged a child into war-) all he can see is Bilbo’s scared, heartbroken face as he chose to jump off the mountain and fight rather than sneak inside and claim the treasure that supposedly is the most wanted thing on middle earth. All he can see is his Burglar, his Hobbit, his FRIEND whisper “I’m so sorry”, like he thought his very existence was a sin against the Company and yet was going to reveal himself and fight for them (risk dying for them) anyway.

The Armies come because Thorin and the others are locked in their mountain refusing to interact with anyone, and at first Thorin ignores them, he has a half-dead Burglar and a two panicking nephews to deal with, he has no TIME-.

Then the man, Bard, reminds Thorin of his promise, and while Thorin will give NOTHING to the elves who have broken their vows and now expect riches they have not earned, he impatiently THROWS several sacks of gold over the makeshift wall at the Bowman, yells at him to GO AWAY now, because that’s plenty of gold to rebuild their damaged lake town, or even Dale itself, three times over.

Bard blinks down at the sacks of gold and jewels in astonishment, having expected to have to fight for it.

But Thranduil will not be dissuaded, and Bard has entered into pact with the elf for them to BOTH get their desired treasures and so the two armies kinda … camp out outside the mountain, vainly trying to ignore the giant dragon corpse not far from the camp and the knowledge that there is ANOTHER dragon just waiting to come out and kill them on Thorin’s word (so they think).

Gandalf shows up, warning direly of the Goblin army coming to kill them all and demands to see his Burglar, Thorin and the dwarves, at this point horribly paranoid that anyone but them will try to kill Their Dragon Burglar, basically yell at Gandalf to Stuff It and Leave. Gandalf is horribly insulted, lineages are thrown around (G: ”Thorin son of Thrain son of Thror of the line of Durin OPEN THIS GATE THIS INSTANT and let me see my Burglar!” T: “SHAN’T.”)

More dire warnings of goblins armies happen when Legolas and Tauriel (I loved her addition to the movie DON’T @ ME) show up talking about what they’ve seen and then Dain Ironfoot shows up FOR SOME REASON and it looks like everyone is going to throw hands with everyone else when the Goblins Army shows up and the Elves, Men, and Dwarves eyeball each other and go “yea let’s fight the goblins and orcs first and then deal with each other” and so the Battle of Five Armies happens.

Thorin and his company (sans Oin because someone needs to take care of the still-unconscious dragon) burst out epically to help fight and shenanigans LOOK like they’re going to end in tragedy again-.

Until Everyone hears frantic hysterical dwarvish cursing.

From above.

Also that is a very dragon like shadow forming on the ground WE’VE GOT INCOMING-.

Bilbo, still kinda whoozy and sick and weak from fighting Smaug but awake and firmly in Dragon Protective Rage crashes down onto the ice where Azog is threatening to kill Fili just to spite Thorin, a swearing, white-knuckled Oin on his back from where he’d been trying to STOP the injured dragon-burglar, and Bilbo proceeds to rampage his way to victory and happy endings because Smaug might have almost killed him but nothing save a dragon can kill another dragon, even an injured one. Azog dies, Fili, Kili, and Thorin live, Kili gets to impulse kiss his elf crush (and she kisses back! Kili is a Joy). None of the company die because Bilbo rampages through the goblin army while the men and elves and dain’s gang all collectively blue screen and then Bilbo promptly snatches up his dwarves plus Tauriel because she was kissing Kili at the time, flies back into the mountain, and passes out again.

Gandalf takes advantage of the gaping hole in the door to storm in and ask WHAT JUST HAPPENED.

Thorin has no idea. He thought the wizard would no. Bilbo don’t you DARE go and die on him after saving his life twice over and killing both of his most hated enemies for him. Don’t you DARE.

Considering Thranduil is not the type to throw hands with a dragon, the elf army kindly buzzes off, Dain gets nearly mauled by angry relatives for asking if Thorin is going to kill the new dragon while it’s down, and when Bilbo wakes up a lot of stories are exchanged and tears shed and Thorin declares that Bilbo is welcome to stay in Erebor FOREVER all things considered and Bilbo cries because his hoard still wants him and his king is offering him a proper home and den and Bilbo is a very emotional person by nature.

So in the end, Erebor is still inhabited by a dragon, but this one is much more friendly and helpful and tends to go around in the shape of a Hobbit most of the time since that makes it easier to fit through doors.

Also at some point Bilbo remembers that stupid, cursed ring he found a while back and speed flies over to the hottest volcano he can find since that’s the surest way to destroy cursed objects and since the Ring Wraiths don’t have dragons yet, all Sauron can do is screech pathetically from his eyeball tower as a bright green and yellow dragon flies over to Mount Doom and yeets the Ring into it.

Bilbo doesn’t even notice the tower collapsing behind him in spasms of Evilz™, he’s going to be late for Kili’s wedding if he doesn’t hurry up.

It’s only way later when ambassadors from Gondor show up to reverently ask after the dragon that “slew the greatest of evils” that Bilbo blinks twice, remembers the falling, screaming tower of strange fiery eyeballs, and says that wasn’t HIS doing, he was only there to throw a cursed ring into the volcano.

Gandalf in the corner drinking his wine:

[medea10]

My Review of Interspecies Reviewers

End of January…um, 2020

“Grrr…this day was a crap show! The republicans rat-fucked our country and Brexit fucking happened. I’m gonna write some scripts and call it a night. Let me just check Twitter one last time before I…

Huh?

FUNimation drops newly-added anime, Interspecies Reviewers?

This smells scandalous, I must watch!”

It’s very, very, VERY rare that an anime licensor drops an anime that’s currently airing in Japan and doing it weeks after announcing a full release (no pun intended), plus a friggin’ English dub. And where there’s controversy, I will be there to sniff it out…eventually. I think I can squeeze one more anime to watch on a week-by-week basis. Hell, I shoved Domestic Girlfriend in at last minute in 2019 right in the middle of moving to a different state. I think I can handle a little anime like this. What could possibly go wr…?!

*one week later*

Oh fluffies! This escalated quickly!

So…Interspecies Reviewers is about a human name Stunk and an elf named Zel. They go around to brothels, spend some time with the ladies of the evening known as Succu-girls (because these girls suck you), and review their “encounter” with them for a tavern full of curious males. Stunk and Zel want to go around and conquer as many species, discovering all new kinks and fetishes, fondle all kinds of jiggly-bits and naughty bits from cow-girls, cat-girls, skeleton girls, succubis, fire salamanders girls, elves, fairies, slimes, demons, bird-maidens, cyclops, and oh-so many others. This is a vast world and there’s only so many brothels these men can tackle at a time.

Oh yeah, there’s also an angel named Crim. Stunk and Zel saved Crim, but Crim can’t go back to Heaven since his halo is busted. Although now, I doubt if he’ll ever get entry back into Heaven after being defiled by a cat-woman. I mean who among us haven’t lost our virginity to a cat-eared girl on a whim?

*ahem*

R.I.P. Crim’s virginity

So there you have it! A human, an elf, and an angel walk into a brothel and…that’s the anime!

BETWEEN THE SUB AND THE DUUUUUU…..UH-OH: The sub was fine and I’m gonna leave it there with the subtitle version. As for the dub…What dub? There’s no dub! Dubs are just a myth here! Like I said before, FUNimation DID have this series. Emphasis on “DID”! They released the first 3 episodes in their normal week-by-week fashion, no worries there. They promised an English dub and released one episode dubbed, sounds about right! But then one night, they just drop this series!

Funimation on Jan. 31: After careful consideration, we determined that this series falls outside of our standards. We have the utmost respect for our creators so rather than substantially alter the content, we felt taking it down was the most respectful choice.

*sighs*

BOI!

Did you, FUNimation? Or was it Sony pulling the strings? But I’m getting ahead of myself here. A wide variety of things could have sprung this on! One reason could be that the voice actors felt uncomfortable with the material. I know some voice actors from FUNimation are a little skeptical here and if they voice something that’s borderline Hentai or IS HENTAI, they’ll use an alias name so that no one would be the wiser. I know it’s a job and money’s on the table here, but people are people. They have morals and boundaries! Not everyone can have the bravery to voice act in a Hentai like Dan Green (he totally did, you should look it up).

Another theory, Sony and/or FUNimation were being cautious and don’t want to air something so extreme in the naughty department. But if that were the case, how do you account for your full releases of High School DxD, Panty & Stocking, Conception, Keijo!!!!!!!!, Shimoneta, My Girlfriend is a Gal, and A Sister is All You Need? Then again, these animes were made and released prior to Sony buying FUNimation. But as of recent, FUNimation is streaming works from Aniplex of America that are kinda questionable. Where I’m going with this is that weeks after dropping Interspecies Reviewers, they add shows like Nisemonogatari AND Eromanga Sensei to their site. Ahem! Guys, where were those “STANDARDS” you were talking about earlier? Eromanga Sensei is downright illegal! Then again, none of these titles really reached full-blown bestiality like this series does! I mean, Sentai Filmworks happily released Monster Musume and that was borderline bestiality. But whatever, you guys do you!

Then again, no series has gone the distance by having several sex scenes per episode with the uncensored version going beyond the boundary quite like this.

Yeah…in this “woke AF” time we’re living in, if an anime doesn’t have an advisory stated at the beginning of an episode with lewd or controversial scenes, people lose their shit. Hence, Goblin Slayer’s debut and that one Sword Art Online episode! Whatever the case, now that FUNimation dropped this series, I don’t expect it to get picked up by any other licensor and it’ll probably remain in license limbo forever. There were a few voice actors set up to be in this anime including Monica Rial, Brittney Karbowski, and Amber Lee Connors. Only one episode was dubbed and good luck finding it now! But after this, I doubt these folks would ever finish what they started. And that’s a shame, because FUNimation voice actors have a knack for turning an anime dirty. Especially if you hire Monica Rial or Jamie Marchi (or both)!

I know every season, there’s a fight between American licensors in what animes they’re going to grab and show to their subscribers. FUNimation really could have taken a few extra minutes to do a little research on this one before jumping in a pool where the water is replaced by naked half-species chicks. For fuck’s sake, there’s a manga to this! Although, I’ve heard that the manga doesn’t even go this far! So this is disproving my rant! Let me just finish by saying that FUNimation really fucked up here. You could have streamed the series censored, have an age confirmation to watch the uncensored version, and then release that later down the line! But dropping Interspecies Reviewers has unleashed a fury of pissed off viewers who ended up trolling MyAnimeList and other websites. Yeah, thanks a lot! Those were some idiotic days on the internet! With all of that said, here’s what you might recognize these folks from.

*Stunk is played by Junji Majima (known for Ryuji on Toradora, Ryuunousuke on Assassination Classroom, Kimihito on Monster Musume, Nikaido on Shugo Chara, Racer on Fairy Tail, and Kouhei on Oreimo)

*Zel is played by Yuusuke Kobayashi (known for Subaru on ReZero, Tanukichi on Shimoneta, Arthur on Fire Force, and Marui on Food Wars)

*Crim is played by Miyu Tomita

FAVORITE CHARACTER: God bless this boy, I love Crim.

I know he’s got the short end of the stick in a lot of these reviews. But there’s nothing short about his stick if you get what I’m saying.

Yeah, I said it.

SHIPPING: DO STD’S EXIST IN THIS FUCKING WORLD?!

Look, all you need to know is that real love is not gonna happen in this franchise and just fuck it! Literally!

Actually, I really think the boys have a special place in their hearts for Meidri. I’m only basing this on episode 6 where the boys go to the Golem brothel to “Build-a-Bitch” and out of all the figures, ladies, and ways to build a bitch, their little Halfling friend builds a golem replica of Meidri. Maybe it’s because she’s familiar or they’re curious in case they end up having sex with Meidri in the future or if the Halfling has a thing for Meidri! I just know all four boys ended up fucking a golem in the likeness of Meidri AND gave it a great score.

But aside from that, there’s really nothing more to say except Stunk has a thing for that 500 year old fairy and Zel has a thing for a 60+ year old human.

IT’S FUN TO STAY AT THE…: It’s obvious that Japan has a thing for music made outside of the country. Especially those made in America (and England)! Recent examples are animes like Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure, Eden of the East, and A Silent Voice actually using songs from groups like The Bangles, Oasis, and The Who. THIS IS NOT ONE OF THOSE TIMES!

The OP song for this series is literally Y.M.C.A. except about getting your dick up to fuck!

And you know what? That was another missed fucking opportunity for FUNimation! This song could have gotten an English dub. Normally I despise it when English companies give an English dub to perfectly good opening and endings from Japan. But this would have been the ONE exception. GOD! Only in my dreams!

OH THIS IS WRONG: I don’t mean aspects of this anime! I’ve gotten used to the sex scenes and the shock factor of watching actual hentai at this point. Surprisingly, the one thing that got my feathers ruffled is at the end of some of the episodes where we get a small segment from a gentleman named Professor Ookina or Professor Poke if you will.

LOOK AT THIS FUCKING MAN!

Pokemon, why haven’t you sued yet? This is a sexual version of Professor Oak’s end-of-the-episode lectures. Unshou Ishizuka’s probably rolling over in his grave either from laughter, disgust, or that he didn’t live long enough to voice this colorful character. I haven’t settled on which to believe in!

ENDING: The last few episodes we saw a few interesting storylines. For one, we’ve got one brothel where all four adventurers gave the ladies a unanimous 10/10. Spend three days with the clones of a powerful woman and just all-around perfect scores. That is just unheard of! Even in the anime reviewing community, a perfect anime doesn’t exist. So stop trying to turn Interspecies Reviewers into the next Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood. OKAY?! Not gonna happen! Just stop it! Stop it.

Then we had a gentleman who has generously been giving previous ladies of the evening perfect scores. This dude loves the ladies and sees the positives in all of them giving them all a perfect score. And I guess that does bring up a good point here.

Different strokes for different blokes! Not everyone is going to have the same taste as you. Stunk might have a thing for 500-year old fairies while Zel finds her old and disgusting. Zel might have a thing for Mitsue while Stunk finds banging 60-year old human whores repulsive. That’s where reviewers come in. They say the good and the bad when it comes to reviewing (insert profession here). In the case of this series, the boys have different tastes and when going to a foreign brothel, some of the ladies customs might confuse and weird out the boys. But in most cases, they had fun (except that afternoon watching girls laid eggs). So I’m glad Stunk and Zel found fault with the dude who gives 10/10’s like candy.

The final episode felt a little nostalgic as we revisit a race we haven’t seen since episode 2. Stunk and Zel find a business card for a demon brothel. They WERE supposed to go over and review the demon girls...

...but got side-tracked by the big-tit cowgirls.

Better late than never, but at least the demon brothel got some decent reviews by the boys. Good since demons are rated quite low in what men want to bang.

Then, the boys celebrate New Years by hitting up a good brothel to start the New Year off right. You know, start it off with a bang! It’s just that a lot of the popular brothels and Stunk’s regular hangouts are all booked up for the night. Lot of horny John’s on New Years! So the boys end up in a dream eater brothel. These girls take on the form of their dream succu-girl and believe it or not, the reviewers were very pleased. Almost like a pleasant dream!

Now conclusion wise, we really didn’t get Crim’s halo fixed nor did we go to Heaven to see Zel and Stunk get it on with some freaky angels. Instead, we get the same intro we got in episode one, reminding us that there are a barrage of brothels out there in this world and a bunch of succu-girls ready to suck your dicks off. And as long as we have succu-girls and brothels, there will always be reviewers like Stunk, Zel, and Crim to bust a nut! And I think Stunk is now going to visit his father’s harem now. Yeah, his old man has a harem. So there’s that! Too bad we’re not going to see that story.

I got to say…this wasn’t all that bad. In fact, I really liked this anime. And I’m usually rough on borderline-Hentai programs (and not in the good way). I am impressed at the creative way these men review these ladies and the brothels they work in. As an anime reviewer, I have to admire this. To take it all in with how these guys approach something such as having a one-night stand with a succu-girl! Each episode was a new experience with a new lady, sometimes two new brothels in the same episode. After their nights with a succu-girl, their reviews…actually, it’s best to watch it instead of taking my word for it.

NOW THEN! This is by no means on Top-Tier levels of Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood. So you people on MyAnimeList better knock it the fuck off! Yes, FUNimation dropped the ball by dropping this series when they’ve clearly licensed and dubbed WORSE. But owning them this way is just going to come off as weird when we look back at this years later and laugh. On top of which, FUNimation wasn’t the only one that dropped Interspecies Reviewers. Amazon Prime and at least three television stations in Japan dropped this series in the middle of its run.

Oh good God this was a fun and bizarre ride and it was fun while it lasted. Come on y’all, face the facts. There is no way this anime is ever gonna get a second season unless they absolutely censor the fuck out of it over in Japan. Look at all the Japanese channels that dropped this series not even halfway into the run! The best I’m hoping for is an OVA release. That way they can show us all the sex and nipples they want. But a season two? You’d have a better chance getting a Haruhi Suzumiya continuation! Yeah, I said it and I ain’t taking it back! Despite it not being available anywhere in the states, I advise my anime friends and followers to at least give this a chance (as long as you’re not grossed out by sexual discourse).

...

Medea, aren’t you going to give a number score like the Interspecies Reviewer lads?

*sighs*

I truly hate giving a number score. But for once in my written reviews, I’ll do it just this once.

If you would like to watch this series legally here in the states, you are shit out of luck unless you’re from Australia or Japan.

And once again…

R.I.P. Crim’s virginity!

[benisasoftboi]

In Which I Explain The Entirety of Star Wars, Despite Being Very Much Unqualified To Do So

I have only seen one Star Wars movie - it was The Last Jedi. I saw it, with no context, two years ago in theatres when it first came out. I was very surprised to find out that it made a lot of people very angry, because I quite liked it, as did the friends I saw it with. I can’t say I remember much though.

All the rest of my Star Wars knowledge comes from its generally inescapable nature in the pop cultural zeitgeist. I might have seen a bit of Episode 6, which I don’t know the name of, when I was round a friend’s house once, but I was very tired, and it was about a decade ago anyway.

That’s just some context for my lack of qualifications to do this. My friend said I should still do it anyway. I will not be looking anything up as I write this, so all spelling mistakes and other general errors are mine. 

So anyway - The Entirety of Star Wars:

Original Trilogy 

There is a guy called Luke. He is played by Mark Hamill and he is George Lucas’s self insert. He lives on a planet where there is only sand, because in this universe all planets have only one terrain, I think. He drinks milk. The milk might be blue.

A guy played by Liam Neeson finds Luke. I think this guy’s name is probably Obi Wan Kenobi, but I might have that wrong. At some point he will die tragically and it will be formative for Luke, but then he will also come back as a ghost. Ghosts exist in this universe. 

Possibly Luke has known this guy for a long time or possibly he is a stranger, I am not sure. Somehow they end up on a spaceship.

Luke needs to learn how to use magic powers called the Force, which seems to be mostly telekinesis, and also lets him use a really fancy but probably impractical sword called a lightsaber that shoots blue or sometimes green or sometimes red light. This is called Jedi training. Jedi Knight is a religion. You can claim to be one on the census in the real world. They seem to be really serious people despite having a silly name.

Everyone also has guns that go ‘pew pew pew’ and nerds get really mad when you make fun of that.

Luke will meet many colourful and interesting people on his journey. These include:

A woman played by Carrie Fisher who is also his twin sister but he doesn’t know that until after they kiss. Her name is Leia or maybe Laia. She has silly hair. At one point she wears a slave bikini because she’s enslaved to a gelatinous blob because that’s just how it goes when you’re the woman in a 70s sci-fi movie

A guy called Han Solo because he is Edgy and Does Things Solo. He and Leia have a romance and it’s Drama. He also has a spaceship that people will build very impressive lego replicas of. He dresses like a cowboy. I’m 90% that he is played by Harrison Ford

A bunch of walking teddy bears called Ewoks who can kill you and live in a jungle

A guy called Lando Calrissian who I think wears fancy clothes and that’s all I know about him, he might actually be a villain I’m not sure. He might die?

A little blue robot who hid behind some rocks one time and then in the re-release he hid behind more rocks than before and the fans got Mad

A big gold robot who is nervous and gay and might be gay for the little blue robot, like they might be married but that also might be a meme I’m not certain

A weird green goblin thing called Yoda who makes Luke carry him around and speaks in broken English that annoying people have spent the last thirty years imitating. He dies, but then is a ghost so it doesn’t matter really

A guy called Boba Fett who is a bounty hunter. I genuinely have no clue how he fits in to all of this. He might not actually be from Star Wars, maybe I’m mixing him up with something else. 

Luke is also trying to fight the Evil Darth Vader who works for an Evil CGI Emperor of the Evil Empire. They live on a big spaceship called the Death Star and it looks like a moon but isn’t and people think it’s funny when you point that out for some reason. They are the Dark Side, which makes them easy to root against because they’re just cartoonishly evil I guess. I think they are also bureaucrats. They have Stormtroopers, who might be brainwashed people or might just be robots, or might even be clones. They all wear identical white armour with helmets so people don’t care when they get shot. Kinda like fencers.

Darth Vader is actually Luke’s father and this is a twist except not anymore. This means he is also Leia’s father, I’m not sure if she knew. Also Luke loses his arm. Darth Vader gets redeemed and then dies but also takes down the Evil CGI Emperor with him.

I don’t know what happens in any of the movies, but I know that the first one ends with them getting plans for or from Leia, not sure, the second one has the dad twist, and the third one has ghosts. Also they blow up the Death Star by shooting a garbage chute really hard. 

Prequels

These movies are widely disliked. The first one has too much bureaucracy. They are about Darth Vader’s backstory. He used to be a guy called Anakin. He will Become Evil. He will also meet many colourful characters. They include:

His love interest, who is called Padme. She wears a silly hat and dies of a combination of Childbirth and Sadness. I saw this bit happen one time when I was a kid and I was stuck round my mum’s friend’s house and her son was playing through this part in the LEGO game. It was sad

A guy with a red face whose name might be Maul and has robot legs? 

A guy called Jar Jar Binks who everyone seems to simultaneously hate and feel a desperate need to make sex jokes about 

Angry Jedi People

Probably some robots

Anakin hates sand and is pretty but grumpy. His hatred of sand is what will prevent him from finding Luke in the original movies. He falls in a volcano and gets turned into a robot man and it’s very dramatic. He has an angry red lightsaber. He murders a bunch of children by executing Order 66. Or maybe that was in the first set of movies I don’t know. I’m not sure how they made three of these movies, there doesn’t seem to be much to them.

Also there is something called ‘mitoclorians’ and I don’t know what they are but they make nerds Very Mad.

Expanded Universe

There was an expanded universe, but Disney said it wasn’t canon when they bought the rights, so now it isn’t. If I were a Star Wars fan, I would not take this lying down, because what right does Disney have to say what’s canon? Why is it up to the copyright holders? They are a corporation, not a writer. Expanded universes are always really fun and full of wacky nonsense that would never get put in the mainline stuff. I don’t like it when people try to dismiss them. 

Stand Alone Movies

When the new trilogy started, they also made some stand alone films. They were called Rogue One and Solo. Rogue One is about a woman named Gin or Jinn or Jin or Ginne or - I wish I hadn’t restricted myself to not looking anything up - Urso. The spelling doesn’t matter because she dies. So does everyone else. Then Darth Vader shows up.

Solo is about Han Solo and his friends and they have an adventure and there’s a robot who wants robot rights but she dies so no one has to address the slavery thing. Also apparently it was going to be a comedy but got reshot as a drama. I hope I never watch it because that sounds terrible, even as much as I like Donald Glover who I think is in it probably. I think his character might have been in love with the dead robot.

Sequel Trilogy

These movies are about a girl called Rey. She makes nerds mad by existing and being the protagonist. She is Space British. She is a scavenger and is friends with a really cute little orange robot. Somehow she ends up in space. She starts hanging out with Older Leia’s crew, which include a pilot named Poe Dameron and a guy called Finn, but I don’t know why he’s there. People ship them with each other, and also with Rey. 

The other person people ship Rey with is Kylo Ren, who I call Space Zuko because when I saw The Last Jedi, he showed up and I was like ‘oh, it’s Zuko from Avatar: The Last Airbender but in space’, because he has bad hair and is angry about his Daddy Issues. I hope in the next movie he gets better hair and fewer Daddy Issues like Real Zuko did. A lot of people get really angry about Rey and Space Zuko being shipped together, but they’re still the most popular ship on AO3. So no matter what happens in the next one, nerds are going to be mad about it, and I am not looking forward to it.

Kylo Ren killed his dad, Han Solo, because he was radicalised to be evil for reasons I don’t know. The guy who runs the New Evil Group, which is called the First Order, is an ugly CGI guy called Snoke. It was apparently a Big Twist that Kylo kills him Last Jedi, and it made nerds really mad. I don’t understand why people were surprised, because when I saw the movie, I saw that guy and was like ‘oh he’s gonna get killed by Space Zuko because that would be Drama and also from a production standpoint having a guy who needs lots of special effects is much more difficult than just having Adam Driver wear a scary mask’ and then I was right so maybe I’m smarter than all the nerds. 

There is also a guy called Hux and he is a ginger. I think he is evil.

The other thing people got really mad about was that Rey’s parents were not established characters. People wanted her dad to be Luke, I think, who is in Last Jedi. I was happy about this because I like Mark Hamill. He spent the movie teaching her about the force while they hang out on an island with a race of merchandising opportunities called Porgs. He dies at the end but he might be in the next one as a ghost anyway. 

Also there was a girl called Rose and people decided that not liking the character meant they could be mean to the actress, which is not true and everyone who was mean to her should be ashamed. There was another woman as well, but I don’t remember her name, she had purple hair and was serious and I have no idea if she was good or evil. 

Kylo Ren’s real name is Ben which is not very sci-fi. Maybe that’s why he changed it.

Though come to think, Luke isn’t a very sci-fi name either. 

Anyway, that’s everything I know about Star Wars.

Feel free to ask me questions about Star Wars and have me try to answer.

Do not, under any circumstances, try to actually explain Star Wars to me. I’m much happier as is, thank you very much

[constantlyirksome]

Captain Marvel Review: Not Just a Girl (Spoilers).

It’s Here! The final chapter before Avengers: Endgame, the newest hero, and the first female led movie in the MCU Captain Marvel! Carol Danvers is here and she is ready to take on Thanos bare handed, but first she had her own adventure to go on. For a solo/origin hero movie Captain Marvel is fun, heartfelt, and thrilling. Who is Carol Danvers? There was a lot of talk about whether Brie Larson would be able to capture the comic book characters intensity, (a stupid fear, she has a freakin’ Oscar) Would the MCU’s first female lead be strong? Likeable? Maybe she wouldn’t smile, or her voice would be too high. All worries were unfounded because both Brie Larson and Carol do the comics justice. Larson’s portrayal is layered, she is likeable, and she is badass. Carols dry humour, coupled with Larson’s delivery, help her cut down anyone who dares get in her way, Fury, Talos, Yon Rogg, all pale next to her, because she is simply too badass to put up with men who want to make her less than she is. The scene where she comes across a biker who tells her to smile directly mirrors the treatment a lot of male MCU fans gave the character when the first trailers came out. Instead of smiling she steals his bike. Instead of placating her mentor, Jude Law/Yon Rogg/Dumbledore, she owns her own sense of self worth, saying she “Doesn’t need to prove anything to him.” She does more damage in thirty minutes than all the other heroes have done collectively over a ten-year period and it’s exhilarating watching her cut through enemies and spaceships like butter. The scene where she unlocks her potential and kicks ass to No Doubt’s “I’m Just a Girl”? Cinematic poetry. But it isn’t all photon blasts and quick remarks; there is a vulnerability and humanity that is uniquely Brie Larson. To have a gruff, completely cold character, or a too bubbly fun lover would be a disservice. She is at her best when the two sides come together. Her vulnerability, her sensitivity to others are strengths, they don’t take away from how badass she is. Only 90’s kids will remember The movie really wants you to know that when Carol crash lands on earth that she is in fact in the 90’s. From the first shots of her crashing through the roof of a blockbuster video everything screams grunge. The best references were to Carol and Maria playing street fighter 2, using the Alta Vista search engine, and the costume styling. Sooo much plaid. The soundtrack is full of nineties bangers that both fit the time period and the story. Strong female singers like Gwen Stefani in No Doubt and Courtney are used to highlight Carols most badass moments. Nick Fury is young and has an eye and SHIELD isn’t full of Nazis. Sometimes the layers of nostalgia are quite thick, like all the 80’s nods in Guardians, and a lot of random references are shoehorned in. But for the most part these references at a unique flavour to the story that helps further differentiate it from the other MCU movies which is getting harder and harder to do. The Power of Friendship. In the last ten years the MCU has had a lot of good friendships evolve, Bucky and Steve, Tony and Rhodey, Thor and Heimdall. But before now we haven’t seen any female friendships blossom, not even in the team up movies. Carol and Maria, played by the amazing Lashana Lynch is a beautiful thing to see. Described by Brie Larson as the movies true love story, of friendship lost and then found again she couldn’t be more right. The pair have an amazing relationship, two women supporting each other and thriving in an industry dominated by men. Their mantra “higher further faster” a tribute to their ability to rise up together. They join Mar Vels programme together and support each other up until Carols “accident”. Their reunion upon Carol’s return to Earth is emotional and touching, Maria’s tears as she reminds Carol of who she is, is one of the most touching scenes in the film. Maria even helps during the films climax, egged on by Marias daughter, Monica. Monica also adds a sweet innocence to the movie, excited when Auntie Carol returns. Monica Rambeau also has a lot of interesting arcs in the comic universe also and it will be interesting to see if the MCU character follows suit. Carol and Fury: BROTP. Very few heroes have been able to go toe to toe with Fury’s charisma and imposing personality. Some obey (Steve, Natasha, Clint), some rebel (Tony), but few have ever felt like his equal. No one besides Carol has ever been able to create a playful comradery. Whether it’s a symptom of being younger or less jaded doesn’t seem right, because he’s still badass. Carol is probably the first person to ever knock him down a few pegs (“Congratulations agent Fury you just asked a relevant question.) Like Carol he goes against his superiors in favour of what he thinks is right. Brie Larson and Samuel L Jackson have electric chemistry, throwing barbs and having each other’s backs when it counts. The fact that the two actors are close friends helps with the organic evolution of their characters connection. The fact that Fury kept the beeper on his person for twenty or so years is a testament to how much he trusts Carol. SKRULLS: Be careful who you trust. The Skrulls an alien race of green shape shifters who can take on the form of any being that they encounter and seamlessly blend in, essentially taking over planet one person at a time. A huge plotline in Marvel comics, the Kree versus skrull war is the movies central conflict. Carol is told that essentially the Skrulls are baddies and her team of noble warrior Kree are all that stand between the shape shifter and total domination. The fact Marvel has trouble creating memorable or impactful villains, who’s motivations are usually unimportant, never to be heard from again. (Loki and Thanos are exceptions.) The Kree as a concept are pretty terrifying, unseen they could take over family or friends without you knowing, and their original forms are like scary green goblins. Ben Mendelsohn plays their leader Talos, a charismatic leader with a single purpose in mind who will do anything to reach his goals. Mendelsohn comedic timing coupled with a thick Australian accent puts him above a lot of the blander villains. His fear of Goose is particularly hilarious. But it’s once you find out why he’s doing what he’s doing that he and the Skrulls become more. If you follow the news or pay attention to the state of the world right now the plight of the Skrulls will feel really familiar to you. Misplaced and hounded by an army that is far better armed, just looking for a planet of their own. Obviously, their methods are pretty insidious and wrong, which highlights how desperate this group of characters are. This helps in developing Carol as a character, who makes the conscious choice to go against her “team” or the Kree and does what she thinks is truly the right thing. The Goose is Loose. Lastly, the little scene-stealer Goose the cat/flerken! Not everyone is a cat person, but everyone should be a Goose person. Where he came from is a little vague, and why he came to earth is unknown. Fury loves him, Carol loves him. The only person who doesn’t is Talos, which is a hilarious gag. His flerken moments are disturbing and wild; his tesseract strength stomach is a site to behold. He is the only being besides Carol to melt Nick Fury’s heart, and he is the answer to one of the MCU’s last remaining huge questions: What happened to Nick’s eye? How does Captain Marvel fit into the MCU. We know the events of Captain Marvel occur before almost every event in the MCU bar Captain America’s origin. None of the other heroes exist in their current forms, no stones have been collected and no team has been formed. That last part, the idea of forming of the Avengers initiative comes right after Carol and Nick’s adventure, the name a nod to Carols air force days which is a nice touch. Coulson and Nick are young; their cgi faces actually work really well, after about 20 minutes it all starts looking really natural. The MCU tends to use it’s trump card when it wants to make a solid connection between movies and that is the tesseract. The cosmic cube has been owned by Nazis, Loki, Odin, and finally Odin. Another piece of the artefacts origin is put into place. However without remembering where the cube was after world war two you have to wonder how the cube was passed around so much afterwards. It isn’t used in Carol’s comic origin, and it doesn’t make total sense. It’s a very convenient plot device, but any other Kree object could have been put in it’s place. It does make Carol the strongest hero in the MCU however which is fitting, giving her the ability to travel so far from Earth that she has no clue about any of the events that happen in her absence until Fury pages her in the Infinity War post credit scene. Brie Larson’s explanation, that there are a lot of planets and species in the universe that need help besides Earth, is actually a pretty solid explanation. But is she really gone the whole time? Did she pop in occasionally to see Maria and Fury at any point? Did it take twenty years to help the Skrulls? All valid questions that aren’t answered. Where will the MCU go, after Endgame, now that it’s unleashed it’s most powerful force? It’s exciting to think future adventures could happen away from earth, that villains could potentially become stronger, Maybe Galuctus will pop up. Brie Larson and others have mentioned the possible appearance of Miss Marvel, Kamala Khan in the sequel, which would fit nicely with the films message of girl power and a lot of people would love to see. Wherever the MCU goes after Endgame is open ended, but Carol’s strength opens up so many exciting possibilities.

[hellzyeahthewebwieldingavenger]

ASM vol 5 #9/810 Thoughts

I wrote this before the arc had finished so please bare that in mind if you read on because I recognize some of it might seem weird or redundant in the wake of the conclusion tot he arc.

Kinda sorta mixed feelings for this issue.

 Okay so here are the aspects I DIDN’T like.

 The recap page implies that the general public is starting to forget Peter ran Parker industries and that the heroes all think Spider-Man is in the pocket of the Kingpin.

 Now recap pages aren’t actually part of a story so they don’t exactly count per se.

 But if that is the intention of the author then the series has done a poor job of conveying the former. It’s just ignored the elephant in the room that was Parker Industry.

 And whilst Spencer was saddled with that mess a mess it was nevertheless and he’s cleaned up a lot of other things. Whilst I didn’t consider it a mess necessitating any cleaning up nevertheless when Steven Moffat took over Doctor Who in 2010 (technically 2009 but that’s not important) very early on he established that the massive global Dalek invasion everyone on Earth knew about had been erased from everyone’s memories (mostly) meaning that now alien invasions could happen and new characters would react as though they were sceptical of the existence of wider alien life.

 Again, this wasn’t necessary but the point being was that Moffat put the work in to fix something he perceived as a big problem that resulted from the prior regime. Spencer has been doing some of the same here but not addressed that biggest of elephants in the room that from it’s mere announcement the fanbase was collectively calling out as something that would fuck over the series going forward. Because absolutely not would the general public just forget who Peter Parker was in regards to PI, let alone the company itself.

 As for the Kingpin thing, I never thought about it until just this issue but I kind of have issues with it now. Because even if the other heroes do not know Peter’s identity surely they DO know Spider-Man and/or Kingpin well enough by this point that they’d not presume Kingpin and Spider-Man to be buddies.

 I mean there ARE ways to explain their feelings, like if they presume Spider-Man to be an imposter or something but him being on the outs with the other heroes merely because Fisk put on an appearance of them being friends in spite of their years of animosity shouldn’t make the heroes automatically resentful towards Spider-Man.

 Again, it can work but Spencer needs to better elaborate upon it.

 Moving in I did have a few issues with Felicia here. At first Spencer seemed to have her acting vindictive akin to stupidity of Slott’s run after SpOck sent her to jail. But then he explained why she was actually miffed at him and it made more sense.

 Well sorta.

 On the one hand Felicia has always been in love with Spider-Man and so if in character Felicia should jump at the chance to sleep with him if he propositions her. On the other hand though she does say Spider-Man was being creepy which and we get a mere snippet of what he was doing, so presumably he might’ve gone further than that.

 The other thing I didn’t like was Peter’s attitude to Felicia. Hey I’m all for ignoring stupid continuity if you are trying to fix things, but here...that isn’t happening. Peter is treating Felicia as an old friend but she hasn’t been that since 2009 and he’s still lying to her. Maybe that will be fixed next issue and their old relationship established but right now it is problematic.

 Oh and also the issue seemed to treat their old relationship as being messed up due to Felicia’s criminal tendencies when that wasn’t it. They hooked up in a monogamous relationship 3 times and whilst that was why they broke up the first time that wasn’t what happened on the second or third occasions.

  Finally I wish Spencer wasn’t maintaining Felicia’s tendency to be evil. Being a Robin Hood style character okay sure. But here she is basically what she was like in 2009 (except not made into a vessel for Joe Kelly’s midlife crisis sexual fantasies) but if she’s still like that her character is still in need of repair.

 Now this isn’t to say I hated every moment they interacted. Far from it. it was more on point than it’s been in a long time and much improved over BND and Slott’s run. So within the context of post-OMD Spider-Man it was good but within a wider context there are still problems. It is at least written better than before, I especially loved the acknowledgment of them making for a good team.

 Finally I disliked the art. Common criticism by this point but it stands.

 That’s everything I disliked but on the more positive side of things I felt that the general plot of the Thieves Guild is still a fun idea.

 The Thieves Guild are an X-Men/Gambit concept but Spencer has put enough distance between them that this NYC chapter of them can be played enough as a ‘Spider-Man thing’. And the notion of them swiping all the paraphernalia of superheroes through the power of super thievery is a fun superhero plot.

 I also don’t mind Felicia being a member of their ranks. I mean I feel like if she always had that tattoo Peter would’ve noticed by now, but there are numerous ways to explain that. If nothing else I love the scene between Felicia and her Dad, because it humanizes her, touches on her origin and allows her to be more her own character. I feel there is so much potential to be exploited from exploring Felicia’s relationship.

 Now in spite of all those complaints I actually loved this issue because of the Mary Jane subplot. There are some feelings I’m wrestling with in regards to it though but on balance I think this was ingenious on Spencer’s part.

 Okay first thing’s first. The artwork by Michele Bandini looked really nice. If you are going to have two artists work on the same story dividing them up based upon the subplot and the main plot is actually a pretty clever idea. I didn’t know there was going to be two artists actually and so when I checked out the preview pages before the issue’s release I was confused as to why Ramos’ style looked so much better from one page into the next. I wish Bandini had done the whole story to be honest.

 But onto the subplot itself.

 To begin with it’s just lovely seeing Spencer actually give MJ a subplot of her own and focus upon her. And it’s good focus too. So far he’s not really mishandled her in this story at all so Spencer seems to be a decent MJ writer. I hope this trend continues and the relative lack of Mj/his use of MJ within his first two arcs was more about building up Peter and also paying tribute to Superior Foes which landed him this job in the first place.

 I didn’t see the Carlie twist coming. Honest of all characters that reveal could have been she was the farthest from my mind. For some reason my mind was fixated upon Bobby CCarr or Jonathan Caesar somehow.

 Now Carlie is...controversial of course.

 Carlie was one of the many lame Brand New Day era characters with her status made worse than many of the other ones because

 a)      She was at times a Mary Sue

b)      She was pushed hard as the new love interest. I mean really, really, really pushed hard

c)       She had an inconsistent character design

d)      She was at times bland and at other times just...not nice. See her considering getting a Green Goblin tattoo to piss Peter off. Yes she was drunk but I don’t care how drunk or angry you are that’s like considering getting a Nazi tattoo to piss off your Jewish boyfriend. You are just nasty at that point

e)      She was an idiot during Superior despite being the most sceptical person of Otto

 Carlie to say the least was HATED by the fandom.

 Now look let’s not sit here and pretend the fandom hate went beyond what was warranted by the character. She was treated as an 11 on the ‘this character sucks’ scale.

 But that doesn’t mean she didn’t score a very solid 7 or 8 if you catch my drift.

 Here though she is arguably written better than ever before, not in the least because most of those problems listed above are being avoided or addressed.

 Rather than being an overcritical and judgemental asshole like in her last appearance who either attributes blame to Peter for the horrible things happening to her or else makes it clear the nature of who he is means he’s doomed to misery because no one could put up with that, here she acknowledges none of it is his fault and he deserves happiness.

 Spencer does drop his continuity ball though by listing off the wrong reason for why Peter and Calrie broke up. According to him Carlie couldn’t handle dating Spider-Man but in reality it was the fact that he was lying to her that was the problem.

 Whatever though, nobody cares why Peter and Carlie broke up, so long as they did.

 Similarly, if Spencer wants to try and rehabilitate the character who neglected to inform her ‘friend’ and roommate that she might be dating a villain without realizing it, okay let’s give him and this character a second chance. If Carlie wants to say she always liked MJ in spite of her douche actions lets draw a line under it and try again.

 Now we move onto the meat of the subplot. The support group for superhero supporting cast members.

 This idea gives me some mixed feelings and it somewhat depends upon how it  is handled going forward.

 On the negative side, I do not want this to turn into a subtextually critical evaluation of how MJ handled life with a hero in a past or how older runs did. Also the story is somewhat ignoring how MJ DID have people she could talk to about this in the past, like Felicia and Aunt May. But currently neither character knows his secret, might not be finding out anytime soon so okay I guess I understand why Spencer is treating it this way.

 I think Spencer’s putting in little lines of dialogue and presents a resistance within MJ to joining the group which makes it clear to us that, whilst Carlie felt alone and unsafe keeping Peter’s secret, MJ doesn’t feel quite like that even though it might be a struggle all the same.

 Which is in character, remember she kept his secret for years beginning with AF #15. Similarly MJ has had issues opening up to people in the past and has seen first hand the cost of exposing Peter’s secret.

 Now in spite of all I’ve said, I cannot tell you how much I ADORE the idea of a support group for super hero friends and family.

 If Spencer plays this right it could wind up as one of the mainstays of the Marvel Universe’s architecture, like Night Nurse or what have you.

 It just makes sense as a piece of world building for the Marvel Universe and is an emotionally engaging idea that ANY comic book series can pick up.

 Moreover it highlights the innate quiet awesomeness that is Jarvis. Jarvis is like Alfred but to the whole Avengers and one of the most bad ass bad ass normals in the whole Marvel Universe so highlighting him as this proactive, helping and caring individual is appreciated.

 This idea is a great addition to Peter and MJ’s relationship too as it gives Mj something to do aside from wait by a window and counters one of the most frequent weapons in the anti-MJ/marriage brigade’s arsenal.

 “MJ can’t be with Peter because it’s worse than being with a cop because they get to talk to other cop’s families. It’s just so toxic for her!!!!11!!!”

 See Fred Van Lente’s piece of shit MJ story in ASM #605 for proof of this.

 But right here Spencer finds a solution to that complaint (which I’m sure the anti-MJ brigade just love  him for) and one that makes justifying breaking them up again a lot harder.

 Also guessing who all the people in the meeting was turned out to be really fun.

 Over all I loved this issue because in spite of my problems with the Felicia end of things the MJ end was brilliant.

p.s. Isn’t it a little weird for Spider-Man to not remember what ‘Spider-Man’ did when they were separate people?

I guess you could argue that his memories from ‘Peter’ might be hazy too. Or that this weird science comes with ‘rules’ like that, e.g. one side has to dominate the other.

[goonlalagoon]

The Academy of Witchcraft and Wizardry || Leagues and Legends

A few months back I wrote a Leagues & Legends/Hogwarts AU as a birthday present for a friend who’s also a huge fan of the books, and figured I may as well post it here!

When Laney Jones goes under the sorting hat, her back is perfectly straight and her face is placid, relaxed. Her hands fold neatly in her lap, and none of the students and professors think she’s anything other than calm, maybe even disinterested. 

Internally, she quite seriously threatens the Hat with a fiery death if it spits out her secret. The threat alone would probably merit Gryffindor, but the Hat isn't easily swayed by mere stunts. When the rip along it's hem opens, it sends her to Slytherin.

(Such a thirst to prove yourself. You'll do well there)

She's practically a squib. She makes no attempts to claim otherwise, because if you say you're Merlin reborn everyone watches you, but when they think you're a step away from being a muggle they take the fact that you got some coloured sparks as a victory, even if you're supposed to be turning a matchstick into a needle. Pride is one thing, but Laney knows that sometimes you have to let people think poorly of you so they won't look too close. 

She excels in herbology, potions, and magical theory. She won't excel at History of Magic until her second year, because she is unequipped both for professor Binns and for the way all of the magical history she knew was geographically removed from everything they covered in class.

(Laney Jones isn't a squib; her mother is a squib, so that effectively makes Laney a muggle. Her brother is a wizard, though she hasn't seen him since she was eight. She scours the Prophet every morning, because she still thinks her big brother is the centre of the world)

Rupert Hammersfeld had already read every History of Magic text book on Hogwarts' seven year book list at least once by the time he was ten. He stays awake in Binns' classes making detailed notes anyway, but most of them are his own thoughts and recalled external sources. Rupert likes history; his mother is a curse breaker, and so he knows plenty of non euro-centric history from her, and his uncle made sure to teach him at least some of the history of the parts of India their ancestors hailed from as well. He writes out theoretical alternate lesson plans when he's done transcribing his years-old notes on the British goblin wars.

He's read a lot of textbooks over the years, curled up in the Hogwarts library in the holidays. He watched years worth of students pass through the halls before it was his turn, helping his uncle with the paperwork and quietly finding the homesick kids at weekends with his palms full of hot-chocolate and handkerchiefs tucked into his pockets. 

His uncle fretted, sometimes, that he couldn't give Rupert as much time as he deserved. The world outside thought he did, of course he did, the headmaster of Hogwarts having to raise a child, it was a wonder he had any time for the boy at all. They sniffed and murmured about how irresponsible, how unseemly, it was for that Elizabeth to have not only had a child out of wedlock but to have then left it with her respectable, long-suffering brother to raise while she ran wild. 

He was pure-blooded (that his father had magic at his fingertips was one of the few things Rupert knew, not because his mother gave two figs about blood status but because one of the few stories she shared of him included the elegance of his preserving spells), from a line that could trace itself back to the Founders, and he just wanted everything to be orderly, calm, and safe. He spends ten and a half minutes under the hat, discussing where he should go. The hat is quite adamant, but Rupert knows how people would talk and takes a while to convince.

(Usually, the hat accepts a direct request to go into a certain house - but this is from a self-imposed sense of obligation, and under it there’s a strong sense that the hat’s option would be really nice, actually, so it insists)

The Hufflepuffs and the Slytherins don't have any first year classes together; for historic reasons they tend to be paired with the Ravenclaws, which suits Rupert quite well. He's from a family of Gryffindors, but they can be a bit...much, sometimes. He’s all for chivalry and protecting those who need it, but from a lifetime in the castle he’s familiar with just how often the Gryffindor common room exists in a state of chaos.

He's aware of the black almost-squib in his year anyway, of course. He watched his fellow first years arrive on the boats, matching names to faces as they were called up to the front of the Great Hall, noted houses. And you could never escape the gossip - a castle full of teenagers lived on rumour and hearsay.

Rupert sneaks down to Hogsmede regularly, to meet up with Sez and Bart. He slips past Laney in the halls or out on the grounds, unseen, and he says nothing to anyone - not that there was a student out of bed, or about the mix of muggle tricks and magical practical jokes she was carefully practising with, night after night.

They don't meet properly until third year, when they chose between the optional subjects and classes became more widely mixed between the four houses. Laney takes Ancient Runes, Arithmancy, Care of Magical Creatures and Muggle Studies. She doesn't particularly like the sound of muggle studies, but she knows her own grades - the extra work is worth it, she figures, for that number of perfect grades to outweigh her abysmal practical demonstrations. Besides, she's eyeing the idea of a political career, and she figures it wouldn't hurt to be officially Able To Speak the Muggle Lingo.

Rupert signs up for all of the same subjects except for Muggle Studies as well, so their schedules rather abruptly align almost completely. It's several weeks into third year before Rupert (hesitantly) offers her the recipe to a colour changing powder he'd found in a market stall, one summer visiting his mother. Laney had been hiding dyes up her sleeves and hidden in bracelets for years, turning mice green when she was supposed to make them into a pin cushion. The Dozen Drop Dyes she’s been using are expensive, and require active enchantment to make. A powder is in several ways easier to hide, and it’s something she can make herself with the help of a few magical ingredients.

She drops her Magical Theory books down next to him in the library the next day because he'd been struggling with the underpinnings of Gamp's Exceptions (again. It just didn't make sense! What was different about food? He could conjure wooden furniture, but he couldn't conjure spices that were made from dried bark. It wasn't logical) and Laney was painfully aware of anything even close to a debt.

By the end of the year, she would be trading notes and explanations because it was easier to study together than alone. He would be occasionally transfiguring things in class for her, always partially and always incorrect, and talking her through the non-magical defences he'd learnt over the years of helping Sez and Bart track down dangers in the streets of Hogsmede and the edges of the Forest.

At the start of their fourth year, there are  two arrivals of particular note. One is a red-head who towers over the first years, and the other is short even by the standards of his cohort. Farris, Jack, goes into Gryffindor. Sanders, Grey, has an extended period under the hat and is finally sent to Ravenclaw.

(Jack thinks the hat sounds a bit grudging about it)

It turns out that Jack is actually in their year, a transfer student. When asked where from, he shrugs and says "here and there", which people generally take as either home schooled, or expelled from every other magical school in the world, because it turns out that Jack gets into fights the way most people breathe.

It isn't even duelling; magic is rarely involved. Rupert half-suspects that's intentional. After all, when you're fighting someone over the fact that they've just said something dismissive about the muggleborn, sending them to the hospital wing with a broken nose without drawing your wand at all does rather illustrate the point. Rupert lectures him about fighting and files neat, official complaints and sends home form-written teacher’s notes where it will help.

(Grey slips safely beneath the radar, by and large. He doesn't get letters at breakfast, but occasionally he'll find a book he's never seen with his name on the fly leaf in the Ravenclaw common room. Spider had been at Hogwarts, once upon a time, and he used to slip out to Hogsmede, and after all -  the Ravenclaw tower was guarded only by riddles.

This was all immaterial, given he could also turn into a spider at will, but at heart Spider appreciated the detail of these things)

Laney and Rupert quickly discover that it is very difficult not to like Jack. He seems permanently cheerful, but has a streak of dark humour that never fails to make Laney snicker. His magic is all over the place, which Rupert marks down to his haphazard teaching. Some of the fourth year material  is old hat to him, and some of their first year spells are novelties.

He also has a distressing (to Rupert, at least) tendency to wander at will into the Forbidden Forest. Rupert makes sad sounds whenever he catches Jack wandering in or out of the trees, and ignores the guilty awareness that he's been gradually working on containing an acromantula infestation in there for years. 

Laney tells Jack she isn't even an almost-squib, magically speaking, early in their fifth year. She had thought about it the summer before but she couldn't bring herself to do it. She's too used to secrecy, and she can't just hand this over to someone without knowing for certain that they won't let it slip. He stares at her, delighted, and immediately produces a battered jacket imbued with a shield charm. She pours over it, and he promises to write to the friend who made it for him to see if she can be persuaded to share her secrets. 

Laney and Rupert are too busy with their own studies to help Jack catch up on the patches in his own past learnings completely, so he’s had a mismatch of tutors since the professors first realised he was missing several foundations. Somehow he ends up being taught second year Charms by the runty first year he shared a boat over with. Grey trades off time running Jack through old class notes borrowed from Laney and Rupert to explain things he hasn't necessarily studied yet himself for time going over the material the fifth years are currently studying. 

(Grey is vaguely considering taking his OWLs early, except then he'd take the NEWTs early too, and he'd be stuck out in the world with stunning grades but no legal guardians, too young to do things like rent a flat or get a job even with his forged papers placing him as a few years older than he actually is)

Jack gets letters sporadically, usually accompanied by pictures covered in sticky fingerprints. They rarely seem to be delivered by the same bird twice, until he goes home to Mexico for one winter break, Grey in tow. They have a great time, even if Grey complains about the heat, but he also notices that none of the family know anything about what their youngest has been up to for the past six years. 

He corners Jack about it once they're back at Hogwarts, in a roundabout way, and it spills out - the one magical son in an entirely muggle home, except for a mother who had some magical relatives and extended family friends in several different countries. They'd fabricated an excuse for why he was leaving home, and Jack hadn't gone back since. His mother had been insistent that it would be good for him, better than staying at the local underground schools or going to the closer boarding school in America, even if she hadn't been able to verbalise why. She just knew.

His mother had been quite keen to hear what he'd been up to since he ran away from school, but Grey knows he wasn't supposed to have heard that conversation and won’t be getting any answers if he asks.

Laney listens closely, peers sidelong at Grey, and smirks at them both. 

"Well, I had to forge enough paperwork to get onto the Hogwarts register and fool my mother." While Grey splutters at the new information, Rupert tilts his head and asks ‘why Hogwarts’. She's never spoken about this before, and he hadn't wanted to pry. Laney shrugs. 

"Uagadou acceptance can't be faked, and I was actually born in England - mom and dad were over for a year living with my uncle, diplomatic stuff - so it was just feasible that I would have gone onto their register not Uagadou's." She smiles, sharp. "And anyway, everyone at Uagadou uses gestures not a wand, so magic would be a lot harder to fake."

They derail into a conversation about different schools of magic. If Rupert or Laney find it odd that Grey goes quiet when they mention Mahoutokoro, the school of magic closest to his home town (though they don't know this, precisely, just that he has a certain face structure and accent, and a tendency to slip into Japanese when he’s grumbling over books without realising), neither mention it. 

Jack waxes unexpectedly, passionately lyrical about how colour coding robes is harsh and minimising and biased anyway, because it rewards grades not effort, and some of the more flashy, non-grade related ingrained colour shifts follow no reasonable pattern, with no care for context.

Did you know that if you kill an aggressive giant with a third year spell you'd use to play pranks on your friends every week (and a lot of luck), your robes turn shimmering gold for 'services to the community'? But if you kill a rampaging dragon as it tries to eat you after razing an entire village with a curse you've only heard of and never dreamt of using, they'll go white as snow.

The year Laney, Rupert and Jack reach their sixth year of school, Grey is finally old enough to go to Hogsmede with them - well. According to his paperwork, anyway. They had offered to take him before through the hidden passage Rupert preferred for getting to the village to meet Sez, but he'd waved an ink specked hand to decline because he was too recognisable, too obviously not old enough to be on a Hogsmede trip, and that meant he wouldn't be allowed into the bookstore, so what even was the point?

Jack cheerfully trails Grey into the bookstore, holding a growing pile of books and trying (and failing) to see any kind of rhyme and reason behind the collection. Laney peels off to the joke shop to buy a few new toys. She comes out with a mental list of other purchases for Rupert, Jack, or Sez to pick up for her later to make sure nobody draws too many connections to her.

Rupert wanders around the local houses with his pack full of gifts he's carefully brought down from the castle - a pepper up potion brewed with better ingredients than a family could afford, a handful of pages carefully transcribed from an old rare book that only existed in three collections in the world for someone's research, several bags of cookies baked in a corner of the kitchens (the house elves had gotten used to this when Rupert was a child and didn't panic too much nowadays) to hand out to anyone he knows is having a bit of a rough patch, or will just appreciate a friendly visit.

They meet up at Sally-Anne's place as always, because it's good, cheap food and Rupert wouldn't dream of going anywhere else unless required by circumstance to be a Noble Example of a Pureblood Son.

(Sally had inherited the Hog's Head not more than a couple of years ago, but she's been practically running it since she was fifteen so everyone thinks of it as Sally-Anne's)

When Rupert arrive there are already textbooks scattered over his favourite booth. He, Jack and Laney all have a Care of Magical Creatures group project to work on. Grey is theoretically working on his own History of Magic essay, but is actually pouring wide eyed over their notes. Jack is waving his hands as he talks at length about dragon communications to an increasingly fascinated Grey and a frustrated Laney, because none of this is in any of the five books she's read, Farris, where are your sources - Rupert nudges her as he sits down, because while the mystery of Jack's sporadic yet strangely specific knowledge base is something they both agree they need to get to the bottom of, they've also agreed they should probably make sure they do it somewhere they can't be overheard, given how much he slides away from it.

Halfway through doodling a dragon (it's supposed to be a Liondragon, but Jack knows it's a poor copy of the carved sketches he's spent years watching George leave on tables, support beams and pieces of firewood) Jack feels a chill on the back of his neck, and shrugs it off as residual paranoia. 

The window explodes a moment later, and he pushes himself thoughtfully up from the scattered glass.

"Huh, so I guess that was an anti-apparition ward being set." He tries to explain this to the aggressive fellow Gryffindor who's loudly threatening to go fetch the aurors, and winds up tearing up his robes to act as a tourniquet because he isn't carrying any dittany and it's not like he's going to be given his wand back to actually repair the splinching wound anyway so he needs to do something.

Laney catches his eye as the two searching men start tearing up the floor in search of the rumoured tunnel to Hogwarts. She's fiddling with the bracelet on her left wrist, a dark wooden bangle with - if Jack remembers correctly - some constellation etched onto it. Rupert goes very still beside him, eyes apparently fixed on Sally shouting furiously at the Wizards tearing up her pub.

The hidden compartment on Laney's bangle flips open, and the room is abruptly plunged into night as it fills with dark mist. Jack lunges forwards towards the wizard holding their wands, and rolls cheerfully to his feet amid the sound of them clattering to the floor. From somewhere off to his left he can hear the loud oof of someone who has just been punched in the guts and probably hasn't been in a fight other than a magical duel since he was ten and doesn't remember how to roll with the punches.

In the dark, Jack grins.

[ryanmeft]

Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse Movie Review

Spider-Man 2 set the standard for the wall-crawler’s celluloid escapes, and the movies have been trying to catch up to that ever since. Thanks in large part to poor decisions by Sony, it never came close until Marvel got a hand on the property again. The last thing I ever expected from Sony’s own spin-off movies was that they’d be any good, especially after surviving Venom. As it turns out, the soul of the character just needed animation to set it free. Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse is not only a great entry in the webslinger’s mostly forgettable filmography, it’s in the top tier of superhero films, period.

Miles Morales (Shamiek Moore) is a black teen being sent to a private school after winning a scholarship; his father (Brian Tyree Henry) is a by-the-books cop who struggles to understand his growing son but loves him anyway, which sounds cliche but works because the character is so well-written. His mother (Luna Lauren Velez) is unfortunately sidelined, and spending more time on her in the sequel would be welcome. He looks up to his uncle Aaron (Mahershala Ali), who shares Miles’s love of graffiti art but who is also some sort of a criminal. I mention Miles’s race because it’s important: the movie elects for a happily stable family and a smart kid with a bright future, a rare focus for African American characters in cinema. The movie is not political in the slightest, and treats this as if it’s not uncommon, because it isn’t. It’s a deliberate contrast to Peter Parker, whose life is a constant mess. Miles gets his powers with a similar spider bite and without much fanfare.

Speaking of Peter Parker, he shows up, voiced by Chris Pine, and gets in a big fight involving the Green Goblin (Jorma Taccone) and the Kingpin (Liev Schreiber), classic Spider-Man villains somewhat re-imagined for the setting. When things go wrong trying to stop a dimension-combining device, Miles lands the gig of stopping the machine from firing again, but can barely use his own powers. Another Parker (Jake Johnson), an older and out-of-shape one who has given up on life, shows up and doesn’t make a very adequate mentor. He’s eventually joined by numerous other versions. Spider-Gwen (Hailee Steinfeld), who is clearly here to launch her own spin-off, is cynical and calculating. Peni Parker (Kimiko Glenn) is an anime take on the character whose powers are actually invested in a machine that I think is piloted by a spider itself. I’ll be honest, I lost the details in the rush, but she works because she’s more homage to the form than parody. Spider-Ham/Peter Porker (John Mulaney) is sadly underutilized and didn��t really add as much as he could; there’s too many other Spider-guys for him to stand out. By far my favorite was Spider-Man Noir, a version who is almost all shadow, wears a fedora and trench-coat, and is voiced brilliantly by Nicolas Cage, who channels Humphrey Bogart and James Cagney. Indeed, the voice cast is so stuffed that Lily Tomlin and Zoe Kravitz end up in tertiary roles. Each of these alternate heroes got sucked into Miles’s universe and will see their molecules fracture like a bad radio signal if they don’t get back. For this, they seek the help of a batty-but-brilliant scientist (Kathryn Hahn), who provokes one of Parker’s best lines. Each is accompanied by a quick and humorous rundown of their respective origins, which both serves as a nice send-up of the now-tedious origin story and fills in whatever small amount of info the audience might need.

A disclaimer for those who are understandably confused about Spidey’s cinematic history: none of these Spider-People are the same one from the Marvel Cinematic Universe, that interconnected place of Guardians and Avengers. The Parker here appears to be some version of the one from Sam Raimi’s first trilogy, and considering the divided reception of that line, it’s an interesting choice (it still contains the best Spider-Man movie, and a couple lackluster ones). It matters far less than it does in the MCU, because this movie feeds more on energy, humor and heart than on continuity. To my recollection (it’s been a while), all of these characters exist in some way in the comics, but you don’t have to care. On screen, they play off each other wonderfully. The jaded Parker is like those wizened mentors from every movie ever made about a plucky kid finding his way, except this guy, while having the skills, doesn’t care. That’s a decidedly different look for Spider-Man, one that only an animated film, specifically only an animated film this unique, could pull off; an apathetic hero is just not something audiences would accept if he were the main character. The Noir version has the most potential for his own movie, as his universe is the most different from what we’ve seen before. Like Rey in Star Wars, Spider-Gwen is unfortunately given the least interesting character, but there’s room for development later. For some reason, the same people that decided we need more female heroes (which we do) also decided they always have to be---pardon the expression---the straight man. Will we maybe have a female take on Tony Stark at some point? I won’t hold my breath; the culture just isn’t there yet.

The heroes are of course opposed by the afore-mentioned villains, joined by many others: Prowler, a Batman-esque fighter, Scorpion (Joaquin Cosio), Tombstone (Marvin “Krondon” Jones III) and a surprise bonus pick who I will not mention because you should discover it for yourself, except to say this person really works while, in a way, bringing back a long-absent, long in demand foe. When machines are activated and villains are fighting, the movie does occasionally veer somewhat close to confusion, but it always recovers, with the exception of some of the villains being rather generic. Animation has unshackled the agility, speed and wit Spider-Man has always evoked in the minds of people flipping through comic panels. There’s a litheness to the movements of the characters that no amount of CG could ever replicate, and a boundless energy that the unique animation style---designed to look like comic panels in motion and, to my eternal shock, actually successful in this---works perfectly with.

Still, the most surprising thing is how the emotions carry through. Each Spider-Dude-or-Dudette has their own tragedy and loss, and the sense that no matter what universe he exists in, he’ll always have to deal with that is sadly poignant, especially for anyone who grew up on the Spider-Man mythos. There are actual stakes here; even the motivations of the Kingpin have real heft. The movie has been handled by Lego Movie producers Phil Lord and Christopher Miller, with a small army of co-writers joining along the way, and the surprise is that for once, so many cooks have managed to concoct something that feels so sincere.

If you aren’t a comic person, don’t worry. There’s enough heart here to sweep you up even if you don’t know your spiders from your bats. Stan Lee’s posthumous cameo feels fitting, in a movie that does right by his (and Steve Ditko’s) best creation. Nerds tend to declare amazing absolutely every comic movie that comes out. And every once in a while, they’re right.

Verdict: Highly Recommended (3 1/2 out of 4 stars)

Note: I don’t use stars, but here are my possible verdicts.

Must-See

Highly Recommended

Recommended

Average

Not Recommended

Avoid like the Plague

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 All images are property of the people what own the movie.

[mrsspidermanmaryjanewatsonparker]

Let’s debunk this shit.

First off...why should we, on the topic of Spider-Man, actually place stock by the guy who has in the past argued Sins Past is as, if not more, bad than One More Day when anyone with an ounce of knowledge of how writing craft works would realize this is abjectly false. As a story the flaws in Sins Past amount to it inserting something into the past that doesn’t fit at all. One More Day by contrast not only does this but needs to violently ignore 45 yrs of established characterization to even function and even then it fails since it needs to contradict its own narrative.

  Oh and you know MovieBob is the guy who said ‘That Spec cartoon wasn’t as good as people make it out to be. People like it more for what it could be than what it was.’...WTF was he even watching.

 But let’s dive into some more specifics of Bob’s argument.

 “OMD ‘needed’ to happen.”

 This is objectively untrue.

 Let’s give the benefit of the doubt and say what Bob meant wasn’t so much that Spider-Man needed to make a deal with the Devil but rather it was necessary to get rid of Spider-Man’s marriage.

 I can’t bring myself to do a 3000 word essay on why the latter alone is idiotic, sexist, myopic and utterly false but here is a cliffnotes version.

 There are 2 fundamental problems with Bob’s line of thinking.

 The 1st is that to end the marriage you needed to outright alter Spider-Man’s history via a soft DC style continuity reboot thus creating in a literal sense an alternate universe version of Spider-Man who’d just never been married in the first place.

 Put simply Spider-Man’s marital status could’ve been ended in universe through numerous methods that avoided that. He could’ve gotten divorced. The US government as some kind of petty revenge upon Spider-Man turning on the Registration Act could’ve legally annulled his marriage along with certain other legal aspects of his life. There could’ve been a reveal that due to a legal loophole nobody realized at the time technically speaking Peter and MJ had never been married in the first place despite believing they were.

 None of this would’ve fixed the most egregious contrivance of OMD and OMIT, that by simply never having been married magically this = Peter and MJ would break up. You still need to justify THAT separately which OMD didn’t even attempt to do. OMD in isolation erases their marriage but it doesn’t explain or justify why doing this would mean they are now no longer in a relationship. OMIT tried and miserably failed to do that because once again it required the abject ignoring of decades of established (and logical) characterization.

  But what should we expect from the guy who in another video once said Superman would be a jerk if he married Lois Lane because of the stress and dangers it’d expose her to, specifically comparing it to real life people who’s jobs offer comparable examples. ‘Superman would never put Lois Lane through that’ said Bob (though I am paraphrasing I admit.

  Why?

  If REAL people do that then why WOULDN’T Superman OR Spider-Man do so?

 It’s a line of thought which amounts to Bob saying those people shouldn’t have marital relationships. And that is gross.

 The 2nd problem with Bob’s ‘it needed to happen’ assertion is the notion that CREATIVELY it was necessary for the health of Spider-Man.

 Let’s ignore how creatively (and financially) Superman has been on the up and up since 2016 when he got his marriage BACK.

 Instead let’s consider for a moment...why?

 Why CREATIVLY does Spider-Man need to not be married to work? Why does he need to be single for his long term creative/financial health?

 There is no answer because the truth is he isn’t. Spider-Man’s love life is relevant only in so far as the series follows his life and not being asexual romance is a part of that. At which point if you are arguing for his long term creative health he needs to be able to swap out the women he’s going to be romantically/sexually involved with why then does that not also apply to literally every other character connected to every other part of his life?

 It doesn’t.

 It’s a bullshit argument born of an ignorant lack of questioning. It’s born of “Well it’s got to be this way because it’s always been this way and it’s worked that way.” Ignoring how it doesn’t and how you know...Marvel comics itself exists off the back of saying “Maybe it doesn’t have to just be this way. I don’t like that way in fact, I like the idea of trying it this other way.”

 Spider-Man being single keeps Spider-Man stunted and in a state of doomed to failure. It literally renders his love life redundant because every reader (and this applied before 1987 when he got married, but applies a thousand times more now) knows his romances will never amount to anything and that they are glorified Bond girls. And I’ll be honest the substance (such as there is) in the Bond movies NEVER lies with the Bond girls with the sole exceptions of those few movies where they tease you with the idea that he has deeper feelings for them.

 Then you have the fact that marriage as a part of most people’s lives and a responsibility is outright tailor made for the character who’s core concept is entwined around the interconnected idea of responsibility and being a (relatively) normal person. It’s not different to him graduating from High school or moving out of Aunt May’s house or getting a job.

 But let’s look at the franchise in the wake of OMD creatively and financially has it been doing better than before?

 LOL NOPE!

 In 2016 we had the Power Play arc. This arc was THE Spider-Man event of the year. It tied into the previous Spider event of 2015, Renew Your Vows by introducing the incredibly powerful villain Regent who’s powers were that he had the powers of EVERY other hero virtually and in RYV took over all of NYC following killing the X-Men and Avengers on his own. It guest starred fan favourite Miles Morales, the first substantial appearance of the character in Amazing Spider-Man since his migration into the 616 universe. It also guest starred lead character of the MCU and (then) Marvel comics poster boy Iron Man fresh from his hyped up run under Bendis, the biggest name in comics of the previous 20 years. It also teased the appearance of the newest team of Avengers, a brand that has been huge since 2012 for obvious reasons. Oh and it featured the return of another fan favourite Mary Jane who was once more being used to tease the possibility of her and Spider-Man’s romantic reunion which had been a surefire way of raising hype for a story since 2008 onwards. Oh and it was clearly a tie-in to the international blockbuster and critically acclaimed movie, Captain America: Civil War.

 And of course you had much promotion from the Marvel hype machine, Dan Slott interviews and the usual variant cover artificial sales inflation gimmick that had become common to Marvel.

 Safe to say that this story was a big, big deal and sure to sell well right?

 Well....it actually sold less than a barely promoted, run-of-the-mill ASM arc from 2005 by J. Michael Straczynski that featured in the first issue Tony Stark sitting on a chair sans armour and beyond that no guest stars....oh and there were no variant covers....and btw Spider-Man was married in it

  . ...Oh....

  But hey what about some OTHER Spider-Man stories since OMD. Haven’t THEY been creatively enriching?

 I mean we had classics like:

 The Lizard ruins the interesting humanizing aspects of his character when he becomes a cannibalistic monster who eats his own son and maybe rapes someone

 Black Cat’s characterization gets flushed down the toilet so she can be an indulgent juvenile sexual fantasy for Joe Kelly who believes Spider-Man is fundamentally a man child Black Cat’s characterization gets shot to shit again by her ripping off Catwoman by becoming a gangster, something she has never held aspiration for before and seems to want to get involved in now for no reason at all beyond being angry that Spider-Man imprisoned her and exposed her identity that wasn’t even secret in the first place

 Dan Slott who likes Doc Ock more than he likes Peter Parker decides to say screw it and make Doc Ock Spider-Man thus invalidating the entire reason he was hired, which is to write about Peter Parker. He proceeds to make Doc Ock a villain sue and cause readers to wonder if he’s this smart and this dangerous he lost so many times in the past at all? Also he tries to rape Mary Jane in issue 2 and then succeeds in maybe raping Spider-Man himself in the same issue and definitely succeeds in raping the only dwarf character in Spider-Man’s canon.

 Spider-Man becomes like Iron Man thus invalidating the entire point of his character and reasons people like to read about him.

 A mystery surrounding the Green Goblin’s identity that turns out to be the twist that he was Norman Osborn all along meaning this was a pointless mystery the whole time.

 Ben Reilly finally comes back after 20 years but doesn’t act even a little bit like the character people knew and loved causing people to wish he’d stayed dead

  Betty Brant is physically assaulted and Spider-Man tracks down the assailant but when he finds him lets him go (thus enabling him to assault other innocent women) because Aunt May guilt tripped him by saying he was a jerk at age 15 for allowing her, a 50+ year old adult and his parental guardian, to cope with Uncle Ben’s death alone on the night of his death.

  Fan favourite Mayday Parker has her character now defined by the death of her father invalidating the entire point of her character which was the ongoing relationship between herself and her Dad

  Every spider person ever fights a bunch of one note cosmic vampires across alternate niverses who are variant action figures of another one note cosmic vampire villain. The story is utterly reparative and makes Spider-Man play second fiddle to all the other characters cramming for panel time.

 I could go on but I won’t.

 To count the creative successful and enriching Slott and the post-OMD Spider-Man stories is a far easier task than to count the ones which are for the most part mediocre-God forsakenly terrible and miss the whole point of the various characters involved (most of all you know SPIDER-MAN himself!) because the latter is the norm post-OMD.

 Tellingly both volume 1 and volume 2 of Renew Your Vows a book BUILT around the concept of a married Spider-Man have (when judged appropriately given their out of continuity status) garnered perfectly respectable sales (especially in volume 1) prior to their recent time skip (an ill advised move regardless of what the series was about) and critical acclaim. And critical acclaim from people besides Marvel/Spider-Man sycophants like CBR who have vested financial interests in positively reviewing the stories.

 In fact there is a very strong argument in favour of Slott being the single most creatively damaging Spider-Man writer in history. The list of things that need to be FIXED because of his idiocy and incompetence is vast.

 Moving on to Bob’s other points:

 “Peter and MJ being together was a dumb stunt when the did it in the first place”

 If Bob had you know READ the stories leading into the wedding he’d know

 a) That relationship and marriage was being built up since 1984 albeit with the initial intention being Peter stranded at the altar.

 b) A stunt isn’t rendered invalid merely because it is a stunt. A Stunt can make sense and with the build up the wedding had this was one such example

 “The marriage generated very few decent stories that wouldn’t have worked just as well without it”

 Here is a list of a FEW decent or above stories which in some significant way make use of the Spider marriage between 1987-2007

 Kraven’s Last Hunt

 Venom

 ASM #400

 Revenge of the Green Goblin

 A Death in the Family

 ASM volume 2 #49-50

 ASM volume 2 #51-54

 Sensational Spider-Man volume 2 #32

 Sensational Spider-Man Annual 2007, the only Eisner nominated Spider-Man story ever

 Spider-Man unlimited volume 3 #2 Story 2: Making Contributions

 Eleven Angry Men and One angry Woman

 Parallel lives

 Spider-Man: the Final Adventure

 Web of Death

 Revelations the end of the Clone Saga

  Spectacular Spider-Man #241

  Spectacular Spider-Man #242-245

 ASM vol 2 #39

  Ultimate Spider-Man Anthology book: Five Minutes

  I Heart Marvel Web of Romance #1

  Spectacular Spider-Man #199-200

  Spectacular Spider-Man #250

  The Tombstone arc

  Peter Parker Spider-Man volume 2 #14

 Marvel Knights Spider-Man #1-12

  Hmmm...it’s almost like Bob sucks at mathematics and story evaluation or something. Then again he did say there was no problem with Luke Skywalker in Last Jedi so you know...I should know better.

  Oh and btw the whole ‘those would’ve worked JUST as well without the marriage’ argument is a double edged sword since there are literally less than 20 Spider-Man stories post-OMD that WOULDN’T have worked with a married Spider-Man and only one of them is good...and only if you also take entirely in isolation of Spider-Man’s wider history. Every other story with tweaks could work AS if not MORE effectively with a married Spider-Man.

  If the argument is there should be no elements in a story that do not actively contribute to it then shit....why should Spider-Man’s SINGLE status be in a book? Why should Aunt May, Jameson or shitton else be multiple stories across the decades of Spider-Man? Hell by this logic Aunt May or Betty Brant are superfluous to ASM annual #1 which inspired part of Spider-Man 2.

   “The Spider Marriage left the franchise spinning it’s wheel for a very long time.”

 This is another lie. After Peter and MJ got married there was precious little wheel spinning. Almost immediately we jumped into ongoing stories involving Betty Brant, Joe Robertson, Peter going to school again, MJ and Peter’s finances taking a hit when MJ lost her job, Jameson being impersonated by Chameleon, Black Cat dating Flash, Peter’s parents returning and THEN you got the Clone Saga FFS.

  Following that we got Norman Osborn running the Daily Bugle followed by the true wheel spinning garbage of the Mackie/Byrne run which was bad BECAUSE they axed the marriage. Following that when JMS took over his wheel spun for maybe 5 months tops? The rest of the time he reconstructed Peter and MJ and Aunt May’s characters, thrust forward with his Spider totem storyline and then began the slow build up to OMD starting with Peter becoming and Avenger.

  There were few months were NOTHING was really happening and the number of issues where that was the case owed much more to the fact that the writers needed to pad out FOUR monthly titles each month!

 “By contrast BND and Slott’s run has been good”

 By objective writing standards this is a fallacy and Bob is offering no proof to this. He just says ‘it’s been good’. Except Bob’s word isn’t proof unto itself despite how much he must like to think so.

 “Peter and MJ are more interesting now”

  This is the proof Bob is not a...I don’t want to say he isn’t true fan. I rarely use that term. It’s more that he...isn’t an informed fan.

 Anyone who knows any legit shit about Spider-Man could tell you Spider-Man is far from more interesting now than he was prior to BND.

  Pre-OMD Spider-Man was the sum of 45 years of experiences. A 30ish average guy who’d been through Hell and a lot of battles and survived them and coped with that pain. He was a competent hero and a flawed human being who was just trying to look out for the little guy and take care of his family.

  MJ meanwhile was a woman who’d also lived through Hell but demonstrated sheer steel by surviving it in spite of having no powers to fall back on. She’d gone from a carefree party animal who was seemingly selfish, to a hero in her own right who had an endless well of inner strength.

  In contrast post-OMD Peter Parker is a man-child fuck up who illegally invades foreign nations with his giant G.I. Joe action figures whilst often playing second fiddle in his own fucking book to whatever guest stars want to steal the limelight. And he’s not believable anymore. He isn’t a grounded guy who copes with the shit thrown at him. He’s the guy who just shrugs off being killed, having his body stolen and his life upended by his enemy and then losing a year of his life.

  That isn’t more interesting unless you are arguing being a Saturday morning cartoon character is inherently more interesting than being....welll actually inherently more interesting than being a certain character Stan Lee and Steve Ditko invented in 1962.

  Which Bob plainly isn’t arguing because he’s also listing MJ as ‘more interesting’....how?

  MJ isn’t even IN the book regularly any more so HOW could she be more interesting. Worse when she WAS in the book she had 2 roles. Ship tease the fans by being Peter’s friend and confidant (i.e. something she used to do BEFORE BND) or being a blind idiot in Superior which is NOT more interesting.

 So what the fuck is he talking about?

 I don’t know WHAT he’s talking about. But when you make a statement like: ‘on balance this story that eviscerated and betrayed everything about who Spider-Man is and invalidates his motivation from now on because he sold out in the biggest way possible, was on balance worth it because we got t see Doc Ock as Spider-Man try to rape people’ I certainly from WHERE he is talking from.

  And the sun don’t shine there son.

[loisinherlane]

YOUR MAYDAY AU

AHHH (for those of you not in the know ((which is everyone but jamie and rimi who have listened to far too much of my ranting)) my mayday au is a spider-man au based off of peter’s daughter elinor may “may///d-ay” parker. yes, i ripped the nickname from another one of peter’s daughters.)) as always, please ignore my attempts to keep this out of the tags. i’m also going to put it under a cut because this is super long i know it’s only supposed to be five headcanons but I LOVE MY AU.

mayday is the daughter of felicia hardy and peter. peter and felicia eloped when peter was 24 and felicia was 26. she disappeared a year into their marriage, realizing she wasn’t into the married life he wanted. three years later, on the run, she drops mayday off at peter’s doorstep.

mayday displays powers from a young age. she’s got most of peter’s powers to a lesser degree and has a mild form of her mother’s luck powers, though she has little control over it. at age 17, she finally convinces her father to give her a shot at being a superhero. peter agrees, under the condition that she takes it easy at first. she starts low, and she has to tell him any time she heads into a fight. 

mayday’s friends: valeria ric--h//ards (18), annie watson (16), and (sometimes) normie os///bor--n (19)

val: v smart, obviously. she’s mayday’s guide into being a superhero. she likes pantsuits. 

annie: a wannabe reporter. interns at the bugle and works part-time at her mother’s cafe or smth. i don’t know who her dad is. i’m not sure it matters.

normie: p much the same as he is in the actual spider-girl run except that i’ve only read wiki articles on it. he played with mayday when they were kids, but after his dad’s death, liz cut ties with the spider crew. doesn’t run into mayday until she’s seventeen, and he’s kind of cold.  

other major characters: all the ff, including franklin (in his twenties i forget how much of an age difference there is between him and val), mj, liz, gwen, flash, lots of people basically

reed, sue, and ben: I LOVE THEM, but they mainly exist as they are in canon.

johnny: other than peter, the most active adult superhero in the young ones’ lives. he’s the BEST uncle to val, franklin, and mayday. not married and doesn’t have kids of his own, which peter regards as a shame.

franklin: val’s older brother. he’s cool. sometimes provides good advice. technically, he’s an adult, but he’s a brother so he doesn’t count.

mj: she owns a cafe or coffee shop or diner or something. annie and mayday work there sometimes as waitresses. she’s peter’s BEST FRIEND.

liz: normie’s mother. she wants nothing to do with superheroes, but unfortunately, after harry’s death, oscorp fell into her hands. she stepped up and is running it good and clean. she intends to pass it down to normie and give him the opportunity to rise above his grandfather and father. but she has no tolerance for the people she left behind because she feels the secrets were part of what brought about all that trouble.

gwen: peter’s research partner (and ex-girlfriend). the night on the bridge, she didn’t die. she just... almost did. terrified, she ran off to live somewhere else (i’m thinking the midwest bc i know the midwest and also maybe with her mother bc i know in 616 canon her mother is just Not but hey why not let her parents be divorced i’m already fucking off canon so). she came back just in time to find out peter had eloped. heartbroken, she decided she was going to stay in new york anyway because it was her home and she’d missed her friends. she focused instead on her career. mayday is entirely unaware of the history between gwen and her father.

flash: he’s another of peter’s friends. works as a high school pe teacher. occasionally covers for mayday when she has to sneak out. but he also tattles if she’s doing things she’s not supposed to be. a good reliable mediator between mayday and her father.

p much everyone is aware of peter and mayday’s identities because of so many events.

in the events that peter died, johnny would have been the one to raise mayday because peter thought his control over his powers and his good heart would make him a good father to her 

people who call mayday “mayday”: peter, mj, flash, johnny, and normie

people who call her “may”: val, annie, franklin, liz, the rest of the ff

people who alternate: gwen

(i’m sorry guys i’ve just thought SO MUCH)

arc 1: mayday starts working as spider-girl. eventually, the third green goblin (normie) makes his appearance. mayday doesn’t realize how in over her head she is fighting him because normie is using his father and grandfather as cues. he finally captures her and nearly kills her, but he can’t bring himself to do so. peter finds them and intervenes. normie is given psychiatric help like he needs.

arc 2: mayday is chilling out and being a normal hero, just like her dad wanted. she’s going to school (SENIOR YEAR) and hanging out with her friends. she’s even started talking to normie again. but then. then it seems like the green goblin is back. everyone suspects normie, but he promises he’s not. basically this comes out to be that harry is not actually dead. i just,,, love harry and want him back. he ends up good somehow idk.

arc 3: something that brings the original goblin back. i haven’t thought that far.

there’s also an underlying part where mayday tries to search for her mother, with normie’s help. it’s against peter’s wishes. this happens over a long time. she starts dying her hair like her mother did

the main ships of this au are mayday/normie and peter/gwen

mayday/normie: he falls for her after seeing how she performs as spider-girl and how bright and cheerful she is. he laments that his father and grandfather would have hated the match. he’s terrified of peter and thinks he wouldn’t approve. peter thinks it’s funny because normie is his godson. mayday takes longer but. she starts noticing him because he’s always there for her. 

peter/gwen: they’ve slowly been falling back in love working together, but peter’s devotion to raising mayday and gwen’s fear of getting back together keeps either of them from mentioning it. maybe he almost dies. or maybe after mayday learns the truth, she pushes the two of them to face it. 

anyway i have a lot more but just so you guys get a sense this is my love

[myopinionisimportant]

I was watching a Let’s Play of the new Spider-Man game and it looks great, and I’m a big fan of superhero stuff in general, but it did give me one small nitpick which, I’ve realised, is something that annoys me about superhero media in general right now: it doesn’t have anything much that’s new. Literally all the main antagonists are people we’ve seen heaps before, the only one I wasn’t familiar with was a character that’s Only! ten years old! Whoa!

but seriously when I watch something Spider-Man-y and there’s a character called Dr. Octavius I know going in that he’s going to become the villain Dr. Octopus. It’s a foregone conclusion. And that’s...boring? Like maybe give me a Doc Ock who develops his tech throughout the story, gets assistance from Peter, maybe creates stuff that goes on to be used by the Green Goblin or whoever, who knows, or we could even have some entirely new antagonist we’ve never seen before. Or make Aunt May the supervillain, I promise I wouldn’t see that coming. What we’re getting now (both in this game and others and in movies and whatever else) is just...remixes of stuff we’ve already seen.

Like, Infinity War and Civil War were both based on specific events in comics history, though they played out a bit differently. Iron Man and Batman and Spider-Man have all had their origins told a bunch of times in different media (which is actually a really good thing about the game, that it doesn’t re-tread that for once...anyway). But when you think about big things in comics, they’re not usually things that re-tread old ground (not usually, I said, I’m sure I can think of some exceptions). They’re things that did something new and interesting - invented a new character, or took an existing one in a really exciting new direction, or changed the dynamic of how the hero interacts with their world.

It’s a cool game, it tells a cool story, if I had the console I would buy the game and play it avidly. But it isn’t telling a story that’s going to change comics or Spider-Man for the better, it just has a plot to hang all these boss fights on. It could be better than it is, is what I’m saying. And a lot of other stuff fails the same way.

[squirrelno2]

Hey friends, or rather complete strangers who happen across this lengthy ramble and decide to dedicate their time to it, let’s talk about Ant-Man and mental illness.

(I know, you guys are probably like, “is this not already talked about?” No, actually, it really isn’t. Trust me, I spent two months researching this stuff.)

[Image Description: An oversized Hank Pym cradling Janet, who is wearing a wedding dress, and they are facing Hawkeye. Hank says, “What’s wrong with you, William Tell? Got something against happy endings?” and Jan adds, “’Specially where the good guy gets the gal?” Hawkeye responds, “Not ol’ Hawkeye, lady! But Yellowjacket – he said…” In a second panel, a close-up on Janet in Hank’s hand as she says, “ -That he had done away with Hank? True enough – in a way he couldn’t suspect! For he was Hank, with a king-size dose of accident-induced schizophrenia!” Hank says, “Better let me tell it from here, honey! With what we’ve now pieced together…”]

So I watched the movie Ant-Man for the first time last month. I knew absolutely nothing about the movie except that Janet van Dyne, my love, had been fridged, and it was focused on Scott Lang, who existed for me primarily as Cassie Lang’s father who spent most of her Young Avengers run dead. So this was an interesting place to come in, especially because I had no idea who the villain was going to be. Generally, movie adaptations pick the most iconic villains, not necessarily ones who appeared in the comic book origin, right? Vulture appeared a while before Green Goblin in Spider-Man comics, but it took a long-ass time to see a live-action Vulture. But Ant-Man… I don’t know, maybe there are iconic nemeses that I just don’t know about, because I’m by no means a comic expert, but the most iconic Ant-Man villain I can think of is Yellowjacket.

It's true that Yellowjacket is much more a Hank Pym thing, since he literally is Hank Pym, but that in itself is really interesting and something I want to come back to in a minute. A moment of background in case you have no idea what I’m rambling about – Hank Pym, the first guy to go by Ant-Man, had what generally gets called a mental breakdown? In the panel above, Jan calls it schizophrenia, but from what little I know about schizophrenia that doesn’t sound right to me. In my experience, people tend to confuse schizophrenia and identity disorders, and I think that’s what is happening here . Because the only things I can find that diagnose Hank seem like this, it’s difficult for me to say what, exactly, Hank is dealing with other than identity issues and increased violent tendencies. (On that note, there is also an infamous scene where he hits Jan, which is Not the focus of this analysis. We could have a super long talk about whether Hank is redeemable or an abuser or what-have-you but this is not that discussion.) The Yellowjacket arc has defined Hank Pym’s character, and while there have been others to use the name, this particular superhero identity is very much tied up in this character.

But this is not the case in the movie? Which like, fair. It’s one stand-alone movie featuring an all-new cast of characters (with the exception of the obligatory cameo) and that kind of thing is hardly the place to introduce a plotline like the comic book Yellowjacket. A story arc like that hinges on a level of attachment, to the character or the concept of them as a hero or the relationships in the story, and the wider, more casual audience that the MCU reaches isn’t guaranteed to come in with the backstory. (Besides, we all remember exactly how dismissive everybody was of the whole concept of an Ant-Man movie. We know exactly how little emotional attachment there was going into this.)

But.

It still bothers me that the decision was made to make Yellowjacket a completely separate entity from Hank Pym. There was a Yellowjacket in the comics prior to this; it wasn’t Darren Cross. It was a woman named Rita DeMara who stole Hank’s Yellowjacket costume (which, can I just say, parallels between heroes and villains are like the superhero genre’s favourite thing, so I’m a little sad they didn’t go the route of both the hero and the villain stealing their costumes from Hank). Obviously, a Yellowjacket who isn’t Hank is something that’s happened, but Yellowjacket still was his legacy and had the connotations of his mental illness? The thing that doesn’t bother me about Rita DeMara is the fact that Yellowjacket was Hank’s first. When she stole the costume, she stole the whole complicated legacy that came with it, and had her own complicated villain-to-hero story to go with it, and it matters to me that Yellowjacket is a name that means some kind of internal struggle.

I did check to see if Darren Cross was from the comics – apparently he was a villain that Scott Lang fought, but he wasn’t Yellowjacket until 2016 – a year after the movie came out. The decision to give a pre-existing villain an identity that has always been closely linked to a superhero’s mental illness reads to me like the creators of this movie wanted to erase Hank’s illness. (Also, if they want somebody named Yellowjacket that badly, we could have had a woman? That’s also not the subject of this ramble, but I’m just… putting that thought out there.)

[Image description: Four panels of a comic stacked evenly on top of each other. In the first panel, yellow silhouettes show Scott Lang as Ant-Man growing and hitting a muscular pink-skinned man dressed only in black underwear, who shouts “Ah!” as he falls backward. A text box reads “This is what happens.” In the second panel, the large man slams into a wall, cracking it and breaking a light. Narration around him reads “Darren Cross. Darren Cross is alive! This guy is the entire reason I got to be Ant-Man in the first place -” A third panel with muted colours and blurry lines shows Ant-Man and Cross fighting, and reads “Scumbag tech industrialist who killed homeless dudes and took their hearts to keep himself alive. Til we fought and he died of a massive coronary. But, as always, it apparently didn’t stick! Is it hypocritical of me to hate the revolving door of death?” In the last panel, once more with saturated colours, the narration says, “Either way, before I can even ask how this could possibly get worse - I get the answer.” Ant-Man looks over his shoulder at the back of the doctor behind him and says, “Doctor Sondheim!” The doctor is holding out an arm and says “Stay back -”]

Seriously – Darren Cross could have been a compelling villain without being Yellowjacket! The text in these panels makes it pretty clear an Ant-Man can have a nemesis who isn’t called Yellowjacket (and depending on how you define the word, maybe Yellowjacket was never anybody’s nemesis).

The cartoon Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes had a fair amount of time dedicated to Hank’s mental illness and identity issues, including an episode titled Yellowjacket. They chose not to use the time he hit Jan, negating any arguments one might have that omitting Hank’s mental illness was for the sake of having him not be abusive; EMH recognised that, although that scene happened because of Hank’s mental illness, they could have a character with mental illness without domestic violence. They’re clear throughout the episode what is happening with Hank, too, though they never diagnose it. Jan and Tony spend a lot of time talking about how to help Hank or if they should. Tony calls him crazy, which is a word that makes me want to fight, but is an explicit acknowledgment of what’s happening.

He isn’t cured at the end of the episode, either, which isn’t something one might expect from a cartoon. Instead, he requests that he continue to be called Yellowjacket and pulls his mask on, a visual signal of his complicated sense of identity. Hank remains a hero, and has returned to the Avengers after time off from the team, but you get the clear sense that his mental illness is still there and very much something he will have to cope with. All that, in one 22-minute episode. Again, they had the better part of two seasons to build up the character while the movie Ant-Man had only itself, but even a nod to the movie’s Hank having a therapy session would have been better than the way they tried to divorce his character completely from his comic arcs.

It’s not as though mental illness isn’t “appropriate” for younger audiences or whatever. Cartoons are certainly aimed at a younger demographic than a live-action movie like Ant-Man, right? Comics are often written off as a little-kid thing, or a thirty-year-old white man in his mom’s basement thing, but let’s face it – if you’re reading this, you’re very likely neither of those. Comics have long been used to tackle issues people don’t want to talk about (though conservative views and pushback have also equally shaped the course of comic history, and we shouldn’t talk about comic books as though they’re somehow the pinnacle of representation because they are still… just so bad). So why don’t the Marvel movies at least meet the bar that’s been set? It wouldn’t be hard to deal with mental illness even a little bit better, considering we supposedly have a better understanding now of mental health than we did in the eighties, when Jan casually and erroneously diagnosed Hank. Even a couple lines!

Instead, the only nod we get to Hank Pym as Yellowjacket is when he tells Darren Cross, “You’re too much like me.”

Which… could mean literally anything, depending on what lens you want to view it from, and people don’t tend to interpret characters as anything different from themselves.

I don’t know about you, but I’m fine with different formats leading stories down different paths. Characters and continuity aren’t consistent in comics alone, so I’m not really a stickler for canon when it comes to adaptations. That doesn’t mean you can just erase what little, and honestly shitty, representation mentally ill and neurodivergent people get. Sure, the MCU had Iron Man 3, which made me cry when I saw it because I’d never seen a fictional character have panic attacks in such a mainstream work. But not every neurodivergent person has something as easy for neurotypical people to pity as anxiety or depression or PTSD. Those stories don’t get told very well, but at least they sometimes get told. Give us a superhero who has a mental illness that’s harder for people without it to relate to. (To clarify, I don’t ever want to pretend like anxiety is just being scared, or depression is just being sad, but there is a level of “poor you” that we get for those that never comes up for other conditions. When a person says they have schizophrenia to a neurotypical person, they’re rarely going to get sympathy; they’re lucky if they don’t get fear because all the other person knows about schizophrenia comes from some horror movie.)

It's incredibly important to actually portray neurodivergent people: this article and the conclusion of this book are just a few of the people agreeing with me on that. The book points out that many of the most notable neurodivergent characters in comics are villains, too, having spent zero time killing or pretending to kill people, raising a new point: movie Hank Pym is arguably the least villainous of the three I’ve discussed in this post. Why is he the one who isn’t mentally ill? Creators have to start examining the choices they make with regards to neurodivergent people, because we can’t keep upholding the same nasty views forever. Even this article agrees with me – it uses the Hulk to explain anger issues and a little of how one might cope. Clearly, if a psychologist finds value in the Hulk, there’s something to be said for fictional characters who deal with mental illness and/or neurodivergence.

I’m not saying all this to condemn the movie (it’s actually better storytelling than some Marvel movies I could mention) or say that the comics are somehow better (they’re really, really not. Comics in general are kind of a hot mess). Ant-Man is just one example of a consistent reluctance to really acknowledge neurodivergent people in media, and for the superhero genre especially this is appalling. Superheroes are all about difference! The good ones give hope to the outsiders in society, but here we are, superheroes finally breaking into the mainstream, and we’re pulling the same old shit we always have.