#everything so fuck everybody suck :(
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gonna vent for a sec but im so tired of this "don't wanna be an inconvenience", people pleasing shit ngl.....do people who do this know that they just come off as really rude and like... it just feels insulting each time
#idk it's so upsetting and discouraging im really tired of it#like bro.... everyone can see what you're doing and#you doing it just communicates that you think im a fucking awful person#if im going to be fine with like someone... putting themselves down for the sake of others#or denying help because thay dont want to be an inconvenience#it just feels rude#if you don't think that i genuinely want to help you#if you think that I'm just fucking pretending or whatever then why are you even here I don't want#a friend who thinks these thoughts about me xd#like#how many times do i have to assure someone#i just feel like shit#it really just feels so shittyyyyyyy#comeonnnnn#people can SEE you people pleasing and doing all that shit#and everybody fucking hates it#it just makes me super uncomfortable and i know it also makes other ppl i know very uncomfortable also#on one hand I don't wanna mention anything to this person because trauma is trauma what the fuck am i#supposed to do about that its just a trauma response but god i have feelings too#i want that person to also consider me because it feels so awful it just taints every single interaction#because it makes me feel like they think im some awful person who's going to be fine#with them carrying all their stuff even though i offered like 5 times and them just pushing themselves aside so i have space#even though im offering to share#AURGHH#it feels so bad#i feel like this every time i spend time with this person or any other person who does this that i know enough to like#recognize the behavior#idk im just tired I can't be putting all my effort#into reassuring every single step it's just sucking all fun out of everything we do together it just feels like shit whatever
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UPDATE. HOLYYYY SHIT DUDE THAT INTERLUDE. AMY WAKE UP YOU FUCKED UP BIG TIME !!!!!!!!!! HELLO???? WHAT THE FUCK????? DUDE. AMY. OH GOD OH FUCK
I LOVE BONESAW SHES SO SCARY <3 how far did you get into the suckening btw. did you meet the weylin twins. I think bonesaw would be such good friends with the weylin twins.
hey also? what the fuck? bonesaw? bonesaw can we talk. i just want to talk. please. can I pick your brain. oh no. oh wait. aha. bad choice of words.
#TALKING IN THE TAGS. just because i think the bit of just the dallon-pelham torment nexus image here is funny. and also ive had it saved for#fucking forever its where the winters family torment nexus bit came from originally LMFAO.#anyway. ohh god.!!!!! sickos yes haha yes!!!!!!!!!!! everybody sucks here it's so miserable!!! surely this will have no devastating#consequences down the road :)))#i fucking LOVE bonesaw SO MUCH shes everything 2 meeeee. i love u bonesaw she is my favorite. i was half excited for u 2 get to this one bc#of the Amy Horror but also half bc bonesaw.... :]]] she is so good. I HAVEN'T MET THE WEYLIN TWINS YET but i know them#peripherally already + am lowkey obsessed w them from all ive gathered so far they would be SUCH good friends <33#anyway im sure bonesaw would love to pick your brain!!! ^___^ (this is not the last of her talking abt powers though dw)#anyway. AHGHGHGHHH. man. this is the start of like one of the Big Worm Things. amy is worm fandoms vriska!!!!!1#she isnt worms vriska narratively someone else is worms vriska. but she is so fandom vriska. ahaha.#holding ur hand!!!!!!!!!#mac tag!#wormposting
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not to sound like the jonkler or anything but genuinely how do u not become jaded when ppl consistently suck
#ik it doesnt seem like it on here bc i put all my worst thoughts here#but irl i do genuinely try to be a nice and decent person and i just think it just makes ppl take advantage of me#im nice i invite ppl places i get things for them and i get nothing in return#do i have to be more of a bitch??? like genuinely???#is it where i live is it something about me LIKE GENUINELY WHAT IS IT WHY DO PEOPLE SUCK SO MUCH#i badly wanna be one of those ppl who are like 'love and peace' and see the good in everything and everybody but i just cant anymore#ive tried having a big heart and being nice and its done nothing but make me look like a big fucking idiot
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I'm about to throw all my academic values overboard to get this fucking article done
#linguistics are my enemy#not because I don't like the subject#I'm just........ so much less at ease with this than with literary sciene oh my god#I'm so glad I can mostly focus on lit in the future but let me tell you these few linguistics articles I have/had to do have really brought#me to my limit#and I thought I was already fed up and not giving a shit when I did that one article in summer... oh I had NO IDEA how much less of a shit#was capable of giving!!!#the thing is.... I think objectively I'm still? idk not the worst I could technically be doing#like there ARE people who straight up... idk don't even try to have a research question or who don't read more than a handful or articles b#t ugh#I like academic writing so much and I love putting in the work and I love actually getting into the reseach and finding the most important#texts and writing a balanced and well researched article but ugh..... I just feel like I keep reaching my limits with linguistics#and this time is worse than the others because this topic is SO FAR from being standardized and all I can do is ???? mention that there's#like a hundred different models and then just??? choose one and go with it? which is so fucking unsatisfying#but I swear... everybody in this field is just making up a new model that's just different words for the same thing (and not in the /normal#way that science /always/ is about making up a new model. no. this time they are very unnecessarily making up new models)#ugh. everything about this sucks#I should've chosen a different seminar I should've chose a different topic and I especially should've written more of this in summer when I#technically still had a little more time#sorry for blowing up your dash with complaints this festive season lol. I am just having a time (TM) with the different writing tasks on my#hands and I need a place to vent I guess#simon.out.#sounds so drastic btw I'm not about to cheat or plagiarize or anything but I'm about to do so much less of a proper work than I ever wanted#to allow myself to do. cherrypicking and all.
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hello! i do have a few chapters of seeing double lined up, but i'm gon take a few days off just so i can pull myself together!! i'm okay, i'm just dealing w a lot of guilt and going back and forth with myself but i'll be fine in a few!!
thank you for all the support so far for seeing double and on my other work!! it means a lot to me to see people enjoy my stories <3!! i'll see yall in a few
#i really want to please everybody but i am unable to do that#i want my parents to have everything in the world#and i want to show up for my friends#and i want to be able to repay all the kindness and love my siblings gave me#but i cant#and it fucking sucks#i'm just ranting atp#i'm so sorry it's the 4th night in a row i'm crying#i even cried walking home i was at the traffic light like 🥲😪🚦#anyway#cashma's seeing double#miyako's yap time
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the eternal question: is scheduling w friends as an adult That Hard or am I just bad at it
#4 different people have left me on read today; 1 cancelled our plans 4 hours before we were due to meet#I've been sitting home alone for 2 days going insane. looking forward to One (1) coffee date & that fell through#idk why I'm taking it so hard this time I'm usually fine!! but I find myself wishing I didn't have the day off I wish I did have work :(#like it's tiring yeah but it beats sitting here not knowing what to do w myself#& I'm working all weekend & only leaving the house to see the doctor. oh joy#I've been productive ironing writing fixing the car. that's not the problem#I had 4 social plans this month. that's it#that's like seeing each friend once a month!! I can't keep this up!!#is this the norm for adulthood? :(#& on one level I don't want to bother people or be clingy#but on another level I'm baffled that they don't get lonely too#the news has not shut up abt the Loneliness Epidemic since 2021#but if it's true why do so many people take so long to reply when I reach out? if they reply at all#I'm not going anywhere w this. idk#just one of those days#everything so fuck everybody suck :(#boomers got it right w the whole showing up unannounced at people's houses for a social call with a pound cake#now I have to go through 5 layers of bureaucratic bullshit to see a friend#assuming they don't cancel the day of ofc (((((:#I just wanna be like hello knock knock I am here. tell me abt yr life today & listen to mine & eat this cake#& the worst is when people are like 'I'm cancelling bc I'm tired xx'#OK A) u knew we had these plans for two weeks#but B) I'm tired too! I still love u ur still my friend! let us be tired together!#'I won't be social today I'm tired' my love we could watch movies in silence we could knit we could ball yr socks. idc#'I have to do the big shop today sorry' so do I!!! let us do the groceries together!!!#every time I've pushed someone to come out when they felt depressed or to let me accompany them when they were doing chores#they were like u know what I'm so glad u did this. thank u. this is way better than how I had planned this night to go#& I'm like any time!! I love u!!#& then it just happens all over again next time oh sorry I'm cancelling I'm busy I'm tired#like did u forget what a nice time we had last time? what changed? :(
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btw controversial but fuckk ptsd dude yohre telling me judt bc my parents shouldnt ever have been parents now i have to be fucked up for the rest of my life .
#i know like..coping mechanisms and ris8ng above and learning to live with it but like its fucking stupid and unfair bc im never gonna stop#having ptsd yk. my episodes might get less frequent i might build happier memories but jm always gonna have these memory blocks and trigger#s and nightmares like. forever. im never gonna get to have had a normal childhood thats the most fuckedbup thing ever#like ik this is whiny but like. why. why me what did i do to deserve that childhood. not that any kid deserves abusive childhoods obviously#it sounds like im like ermmm there r wayyy worse kids who shouldve been the ones to go to the zoo 💀 but like ykwim. why does#thus have to happen to so many ppl i hate it i hate it. i wish i could just Actually forget everything instead of just like. not rly#remembering it but Knowing it..yk. i know everything that happened to me even if its all blocked out#and i still feel like. the effects of it even the stuff thats jncredibly hazy to me. and jm never not gojng to feel that. my personality hs#literally been fucking shaped by the childhood i have and like. yes you can 'change' your personality a bit and your choices blah blah blah#but like. even with that. im still always gonna be like. my first impulse will always be distrust and doubt and fear. even if i train#myself not to Act on those emotions i still will always feel them. im always going to expect people to leave even if they dont even if i#dont let myself push them away its something im always going to be terrified of in the back of my mind. im never gojng to have#proper social skills bc i fully missed out on that stage of development im never going to be like. at the same level as my peers bc i#missed out on those skills. sigh. ik ik ik feeljng inhuman and feeljng different from everybody else is a jniversal thing but i truly think#im like. im missing something that everybody else seems to have and i dont even know what it is but i know i dont have it and everyone#can tell j dont have it and it fucking. sucks . basically
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god oh my god this sucks so fucking much, i knew today would be the worst day so far but holy fucking shit i truly just wish i was fucking dead!!
#i have a job interview tomorrow and there was ONE THING that i needed to do this weekend to prepare for it#and we were both going through withdrawals so badly that i DIDNT FUCKING DO IT#im literally just so angry at myself and at everything else in the world and i've been so fucking mean to the cats today and i hate myself#about it#i dont even WANT to go to the fucking interview tomorrow i just want to kill myself and cry and die and fucking give up on it all#this sucks so fucking badly oh my fucking god and i would bet you all like 500 fucking dollars#that ethan relapses on it today while he's at work and comes home fucking STINKING and making it worse for me#YET AGAIN#oh my god im so fucking angry im so fucking angry i just wanna scream and punch and throw and smash#AND I JUST HAVE TO KEEP IT ALL LOCKED UP INSIDE ME THERE IS NO OTHER OPTION NO FUCING OPTIONS NO CHOICES NOTHING#there will never be anything for me in this life and i dont know why i've been pretending otherwise#GOD it hasnt even been 72 hours yet can i please just be done#can i please find the first man who smoked tobacco and mass marketed it#AND FUCKING STRANGLE HIM TO DEATH????????????#im gonna kill and cry and die and hate my life my self my everything#ive just been crying so many fucking angry tears#like i'll be so angry and when it does come out it comes as tears and i personally???? hate that shit so much#makes me feel so fucking weak#fuck everybody fuck god fuck nice people fuck mean people fuck the normalizing of horrible drugs fuck addiction and fuck myself#just gotta keep telling myself i dont need it
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The Maine shooter has been found dead, btw. In case anyone was wondering.
#idk if this is even the right response to have but like. all i can think/feel is#what was even the point of all of that.#like if the goal was suicide by police why did you run off for 48 hours leaving everyone terrified#if the goal was suicide in general why did you have to take 18 fucking people with you.#and injure 13.#it was confirmed to be a suicide. that's what i needed to know the most tbh. personally speaking.#i. feel like i'm gonna say some truly unhinged shit if i don't stop myself LMFAOO#i'm just such a harm reduction bitch. what is the least painful and inconvenient way i can go about this. you know.#fucking pisses me off is all i'm saying.#to the point where i can't even feel relieved. like.#somewhere somebody fucked up and let this guy keep his weapons when he was institutionalized.#being institutionalized in itself is an extremely complicated topic bc our systems fucking suck#and what even was the alternative after everything? jail? EVERYBODY knows the prison system sucks ass#and police are all fucking bastards. again it's another corrupt system that doesn't ADDRESS any issues#they just suppress it and punish it. while also being an enemy to marginalized people in general#so like oooo manhunt police are after him. okay. and i'm supposed to trust that that's a good thing?#but again with every broken ass system ever. what even is the alternative.#to stop an ex military man with a gun who just shot up a bowling alley.#idk man maybe i'm just too autistic for all of this. none of it makes any fucking sense. all of it is fucking stupid.#like. again. what was even the fucking point.
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being depressed fucking sucks and is a stupid goddamn waste of time and i hate it.
#i know in my heart i do not feel this way#but my brain doesn't care#so i'm literally just crying and crying and crying and crying#hating myself and everybody else hating everything about everything#wah wah why can't i just go lie down in a ditch and die#etc etc and other such things.#it just SUCKS!!!!! it's so unnecessary it's so unpleasant it's so unproductive!!!!! it's not me!!!!!#but there is nothing i can do about it!!!!!#my therapist says i need to just accept it and ride the wave and i know she's right but like also fuck that.#how much of my life do i have to spend acting like a dead fish until the pain passes. jfc.#izzy.txt
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dude what kinda message is "don't take revenge on your abusers!!!! move on🤪🤪" literally shut up sammy ily but SHUT UP if the kid wants to kill the men that beat him and the woman who watched THEN LET HIM. not everyone can be as forgiving and moral as u
#ik its sorta the series' mantra or whatever#yknkw that FAmIlY Is EvEryTHinG and such#but FUCK IS IT STUPID#dean can choose to forgive his shitty father if he so desperately wishes but that hardly means everybody else should forgive theirs lmao#and sure maybe sam could go away but like not everybody can. yknow#idk my point im not saying murder's great but if you beat a kid for no reason then you deserve whatever happens to you for it lol#watching supernatural#oh this is about max miller#poor kid he definitely deserved to kill his stepmum#she sucks#if you let a kid get beaten you should get stabbed to death methinks
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i love group work. i'd also love to scream very loudly and maybe torture one or two people with needles. but these two things are unrelated
#omg using tumblr on desktop sucks so bad#istg tumblr is my personal version of the fridge#the amount of times i tried to open that goddamm app in the last 12 hours or so just to realize it's not there is--#i practiced a lot of korean instead lmao#but yeah back to the point: AAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhshAAHHHH#this is so frUStrating#nah we don't do the theoretical research first we go straight to analysis and then are shocked we have no idea what we're doing here#like i feel like everybody just does their own bullshit and i'm trying to glue it together#I hate the lack of control here. listen. I do another group presentation in 1.5 weeks#and we are 3 people but I am the only person who does anything and i will also most likely be the person presenting everything#but that is still better than whatever the fuck is going on here. i Hate this so much jesus christ#(i'll close this tab now so i won't be tempted to make more rant posts otherwise i might as well reinstall that app#but this is my version of a cigarette break#university ramblings
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and also it doesnt even matter if i miraculously get a job tmrw bc we don't have a car . and im too out of shape to walk anywhere bc everything is far away . so i genuinely dont jnow what to do
#im not smart or talented or hot enough to have a source of income working from home.#i dont have a ged or a kicense or a way to get to work or much experience + ive got a steadily fucking growing gap in my employment history.#And i have essentially 0 social skills i barely Function half the time im dissociated or just crying. im weak and out of shape and#not pretty im like. unhireable i think . and again even if a place did hire me I dont have a way to fucking get 2 work#i might be able to walk 2 a place if i had been at work for a while bc if be more used to being on my feet and active again. its take a#while and id be in a Lot of pain but like. itd be doable. and once i worked for s bit i could get lyfts even tho Expensive also idk that#there as many drivers here. and wtvr. but if i did that itd be Less money to help my family and less money to save up toget my own place and#atp maybe its selfish of me to want my own place and i need to judt be more grateful im allowed 2 stay here . yk#idk. im so tired i just need like. idk. ik the only way is to just get through it and get a job and make it work but it feels so pointless#everything always does. i cant keep getting over hurdles man im so fucking tired of getting through hurdles#every single day is Difficult and every single day is the Same and any time j manage to have a good day ill just go right back to feeling#exactly the same. and even if it looks like everythings better for a bit it all goes back down eventually and ik im supposed to be like But#itll get better again after that <3 ups and downs are a part of life <3 we have to have the bad to appreciate the good <3 im just fucking#sick of the goddamn bad im fucking sick of it ive had enough bad i want good. ik other ppl deserve it more i want everybody to have good#days and be safe and happy i don't want things to keep getting worse but everything just gets worse and all the good parts r tempirary and#im so tired. I am not your strongest soldier bro !!!#idk. i just want to be atable i dont need anything crazy i just want my family to live comfortably and to have enough money that i can#donate i rly donot need much i dont need that much food 2 survive i dont need a ton of space i dont need a nide house i like. i just want to#be Stable and know that everything will be ok. yk. at least 4 my family i want them all to be able to eat and the bills 2 be paid and#hopefully for lamp and the kids 2 go to college. bc lamp and tag both want to go to college and itsy is 6 so he soesnt care#but i want them to be able to so bad bc i can't and i ws never gonna be able to and i dont get to be whiny abt that but like. they want to#and theyre smart and passionate and like. i want them to be able to achieve their dreams and get to have normal lives and be fulfilled and#happy. yk. idk. annie showed me her schoolwork the other day and since it wa first week at like. an alt school it ws a lot of personality#type stuff and mental health stuff and im not gonna get into it bc its not mine to tell but. their answers for one of the things made me so#upset bc it sounded so much like me when i was their age and even now and it makes me feel so guilty that like. i didnt make it better for#them. im the one whos supposed to endure it and then theyre supposed to get to be happy but im too fuckinf weak nowadays and i can't keep#any of them safe or happy and i feel so insanely useless. i hate it i just want to be useful idc anymore like. i want to be good i want to#be helpful i want to be cared abt and its so selfish bc a part of me is like. Ohh wahhh we shouldnr have to do all that to be cared abt wahh#and its dumb bc Yes i do its my job. it just fucking sucks rn bc like i have all the like. sorrow over this being what i have to do and this#is my lot in life but i also have all the guilt over how im not doing it bc km lazy and selfish and i cant just work bc im . Ugh
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uninstalled all the dating apps which ws like 8nof them . in the morning ill tell the guys i was talking to that i overestimared how ready i was and hopefully theyll understand andnjust drop it
#i dont feel stable enough for like . any relationship platonic or romantic andnit fucking..rly sucks bc i want to have friends but like#with what happened with daj the other day im like. i dont think i can be like . idk. ik daj said it was ok and she understood but im so#upset that i lashed iut abt that and i keep trying to get into therapy but i fucking..cant find one. at all#im trying to be more reasonable witj mymoney and i know like. i need therapy bc i Need to work this out and i am not able to work it out#with myself. i need to see a professional abt this . so ik it wouldnt be frivolous to spend money on a therapist if i cant find one in#network. bc the in network thrapists dont accept/dont specialize in working with patients with bpd which i like. thats..my issue. im almost#posiitive. ive done a lot of research and it matches up with like . all of my experiences#ik everybody feels unstable after a breakup buti genuinely like. i dont feel whole. and im looking back on how i treated myself and thiught#abt the relationship and its like. i stopped talking to all my friends i stopped talking to my family i literally dropped out of school i#moved across the country i dropped any interest that we didnt share i literally like. i gave up fucking everything and thats not. healthy.#and he never aksed me for that and its not fair of me to resent him for me doing that bc he nevrr asked me to#but i feel like. everytime i think abt him it feels like im being torn in half like . i put him on so incredibly high of a pedestal i#literally thought of him as perfect that was..recurring. and when i was upset with him i took it out on myself horrifically and thats not#normal . and jow thinking abt him literally physucally hurts bc theres still that part of me that thinks hes perfect and that im a mistake#and a failure and i didnt Be connor right. and then theres a part of me that . doesnt think of him that way#and its just like. aughhf. even outside that relationship im looking back on past friendships and how like..obsessive i get with them#and then when they 'betray' me i just. immediately turn on them and like. thats not normal..#and my sense of identity is um. Well you guys have seen. you know.#ive looked into it a lot and i rly think i have it and im not like. 100% positive but i feel like even if i dont itd be good to work with a#therapist who Has experience with that. since the experience is so similar. yk. idk#i just feel insane and i feel like bod would make like. so much of my life and the way i act and the way i react to things like..it makes#sense when i look at it as if i have bpd. and if i dont it literally seems completely irrational and erratic like. IDK. so basically i need#a therapist who can work with that but none of the ones in network specialize in that and then i was researching and found out a lot of#therapists specifically Dont work with bpd patients and like. judge their peers who do for woriing with bod#which is 1. Actually disgusting 2. Straight up stupid 3. Terrifying. so i only want to work with a therapist whi explicitely says I#specialize and work with patients with bpd 👍 but i literally could only find 1 and theyre out of network and its 15p for visit and id#prefer to do weekly visits if possible but thats . 300 per paycheck for therapy . biweekly itd be better but thats still 150. and i have to#save up for the trip home and then the new apartment immediately after#and i have to get credit card .#and in an ideal world id hold off on the therapist until i get my new apartment so that i can fully focus on coping with myself and learnin
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i wish more (rock) music fans would just- chill the hell out.
like ok you don't like nirvana? ok cool. neither do i but i don't go around telling everyone around me that they're stupid for liking them.
i don't like pink floyd either. sure it might be because i don't get it but it's like- who cares. if a piece of media isn't problematic just let people like it instead of being like "LMAO YOU DONT LISTEN TO GOOD MUSIC." and if someone doesn't like a peice of media just cuz it's not for them, WHO CARES. like pink floyd? cool. important band. respected for a reason. does that mean i like their music? NO. "we don't need no ed-u-cation-" SHUT UP.
you think i don't know that my taste is really fucking divorced dad-core? my favorite band is steely dan and the only concert ive ever been to was billy joel and guess what? IT RULED.
my taste is mid and i'm proud of that.
#everybody's talkin' at iz...#i'm just so tired of people not having actual criticism for steely dan. or fleetwood mac. of the doobie brothers. or csn. or-#like you do realize people can like mid music right? just cuz a bands not like- the moody blues or sth doesn't mean they're bad#sometimes you just wanna listen to something fun and corny#this post is about a podcast i listened to where they were like#'steely dan sucks. ever heard of king crimson?'#YOU THINK IF I LIKE STEELY DAN ID LIKE KING CRIMSON????#i haven't listened to enough king crimson but everything i have heard from them is so fucking repetitive that i lost interest
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working retail is not for the weak. unfortunately i am the weak. and working retail.
#bro if u work in retail and have self checkouts you already fucking know#everybody always complaining n shit abt them and if they stop working its actually joever#working in a location thats usually pretty busy with basically no employees sucks ass so fucking much#everything stopped working correctly during my shift today and all of the sales were wrong BRO i almost cried fr#i havent cried at work since christmas (working during the holidays is actually a genuine form of torture)#i dont understand why ppl feel the need to be so rude to minimum wage employees bro like ur so nasty for that#as if im not a whole functioning person too bro like. we r all trying to get to the same place in life. let me breathe#and they always wonder why nobody works retail anymore. its bc u abused all of the employees?????? like.#anyway#rant
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