#everything is wonky i wanna cry

[heroofpenamstan]

MAREENA QASIM of EMERALD FIRE — this season's talk of the town !

[ ... and who can forget the lead singer of EMERALD FIRE , MAREENA ? allegations of infighting and exploitation have followed her for nearly three years , and now , she can add cheating to her extensive resume as well . nevertheless , it cannot be denied that her unique twist of adding slivers of her arabic mother tongue in her songwriting has made her a standout , and other contestants — apart from the very vocal UNDERGROUND WASTEBASKET — have sang her nothing but praises and compliments; even SEVEN LAWLESS of SOFT VIOLENCE , whose history with his former band will surely be unfolded as SEASON 4 progresses ! ]

INFAMOUS IF by @infamous-if !

[theetherealbloom]

UNEVEN ODDS - CH. 5

Chapter Five: Our Mistakes Were Bound To Be Made

Summary: The Reader is dragged into the Last of Us universe and has no choice but to watch the events unfold or will she be able to change what was already written?

Paring: Joel Miller x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Age-gap Romance, Violence, ANGST, Swearing, Suicide, reader in this chapter thinking of unalive, tiny fluff, PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, Crying, Suggestive content, the pandemic, character death, Zombies, eventual SMUT, MY SCIENCE IS WONKY, probable plot holes, rusty writing, TLOU is dark please read at your own risk!

Word Count: 10.8k

A/N: HELLO! WOW UM YOU GUYS ARE SO KIND AND SWEET AND AHHHHH every time I write I get so fricken nERVOUS bcs I want to do it right and I heckin’ put a lot of pressure on myself every time I create something and I want it to be good and now I’m slowly beginning to realize I’m a perfectionist AHKJFHAHA But it’s so worth it, I always look forward to your comments and feedback and warms my heart to see you all enjoying the series so far! ALRIGHT go go go go!

(P.S. UHHH THIS GIF MAKES ME GO FERAL DASKJJFHASKDGH WHY AM I SMILING SO WIDE RN PLS I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR HIM HNGGGG)

Song: hate to be lame (feat. FINNEAS) by Lizzy McAlpine Previous Chapter -> Next Chapter | Series Masterlist

TLOU WORLD - 2023

KANSAS CITY – MIDNIGHT

Joel has his large frame covering your body and you’re trying to steady your breathing. His fingers are still gripping your waist tightly, feeling them pressing onto your skin. You hear Henry speak in a commanding voice, “Eyes on me. Eyes on me.” You and Joel slowly bring your eyes to him, while yours are wide with fear like Ellie’s, Joel’s eyes are narrowed in anger. He’s pissed at himself right now.

Henry has the gun pointed at Ellie, who was kneeling with her hands up, he speaks again, “You don’t have to worry about what to say. We don’t want to hurt you. We wanna help you.” Joel only utters a single word, “Okay.” Henry shifts his weight, making it clear he’s never done this before, “Okay, um…” You try and speak up, “Henry, please put down the gun–” This takes him aback and he sputters in anger, “How the fuck do you know my name?” Your body flinches at the sound of his rising voice and fear of what he would do.

Joel’s gaze darkens, it was like as if a switch had flipped, his vein is close to popping out of his neck, he is the turbulence and wrath all at once, and he shouts at Henry, “Don’t fuckin’ talk to her like that. Only talk to me.” You and Ellie look at him, mouths slightly parting and blinking up at him in shock. There is a sudden pause that fills the fair, and Henry understands that you were important to him, just like the girl who was kneeling in front of him. He shifts his weight again to his other side and speaks calmly this time, “I don’t know what the next step is with something like this but if I lower my gun we didn’t hurt you so you don’t hurt us. Right?”

Joel stares at him with daggers in his eyes, and refuses to warm his tone as he replies, “That’s right.” Henry blinks twice and nervously says, “That’s a weird fucking tone, man.” Ellie is quick in trying to diffuse the situation, “That’s just the way he sounds. He has an asshole voice.” She turns to stare pointedly at him and says, “Joel, tell him he’s okay.” You softly say, “Joel, please.” A beat passes, but Joel doesn’t let up, his voice becomes colder, and stares unwaveringly as he looks at Henry, “Everything is great.”

Ellie lets out an exasperated sigh, “Dude.” While Henry lets out a curse, “Fuck!” His hands are shaking and you get to hear the rattle of the gun as he speaks, “Okay. Listen. I’m gonna trust you.” Henry lifts his arm to get Sam’s attention, the young boy turns his head to his older brother who begins to use sign language, “I’m going to trust him.” Sam signs back to him asking, “Are you sure?” And Henry reassures him, “Yes.” His voice rises again, “But if either of you guys try anything…” He points the gun closer to Ellie’s head, indicating what he means, “Yeah?”

Ellie replies with an unsteady, “Yeah.” And Sam steps off of you and Joel, no longer perched up above you. You feel his grip loosen a bit, but his presence is still there. Joel thinks for a second and asks Henry, “Can we sit up?” And he replies simply, “Yeah. Slow. Get up slow.”

You feel his hands leave your hips and slowly remove himself from you, and you and he sit up slowly, doing as you were told. Joel asks for verification, “Is your name, Henry?” He nods, “Yeah, my name’s Henry. That’s my brother, Sam. I’m the most wanted man in Kansas City. Although right now… my guess is you’re running a close second.” Henry lowers the gun from Ellie’s head, and the uneasiness of the situation dissipates a little bit. You feel your throat closing up as you stare at Sam and Henry, two characters whose futures were written with crayons and coloring books. It was misspelled and outside the lines, and you know their stories end in tragedy.

You, Joel, and Ellie sat across from Henry and Sam, in a fully formed circle. They had asked if you had any food and you nodded, grabbing the remaining packs of food from your bag. The lamp in the center illuminated the room, brushing aside the dark and making room for the bright. You were all chewing and eating quietly, discomfort hanging in the air, a scale waiting to tip off balance, this alliance that had been formed through force and tension.

While chewing, Henry decides to break the silence to ask, “Where’d you get these?” Ellie chirpily replies, “From Bill. He’s dead.” Your lips form into a frown at her words, even though you haven’t met Frank and Bill, the thought of them always causes your eyes to glaze over, your gaze now distant, over the memory of their love and how it ended. Not knowing what to say, the two brothers keep quiet at her statement.

Joel is busy glaring at Henry, unhappy and pissed at his presence, but his overwhelming sense of responsibility takes over and looks to the younger kid Sam, he crumples up the wrapper and gives his remaining food to him. He smiles and taps Henry’s shoulder, signing a thank you, and telling Joel, “He says thank you. I’m guessing you don’t have much, so this means a lot.”

Joel doesn’t say anything and he’s completely stoic, you decide to look at Sam and give him a small wave and you begin to move your hands and arms to sign and speak, “How old are you?” Everyone looks at you in surprise, not expecting what you had done, Henry raises an eyebrow, “You know ASL?” And you nod and signed as you spoke so Sam could also understand, “I’m close with my cousin, she’s deaf. I decided to take up classes early on so I could gossip to her about boys every time she came over after school without my parents finding out.”

Joel can’t take his eyes off of you, his compartmentalization is cracking and this close to shattering. He wonders how he got so lucky to have you with them, and this contrast with Joel’s abject terror at having to feel any sort of fondness or emotions towards you and Ellie. He’s trying to find a reason for him to be angry, to lash out at you for being so kind in an upside-down world, but he can’t bring himself to. 

Sam smiles and signs to you, “Eight.” Ellie smiles and says “Cool. I’m Ellie.” And you sign her name for him, and he nods in understanding, you also sign your name and he smiles at you, what a beautiful kid. Ellie then wacks Joel on the knee so he could be polite and introduce himself, he looks at the girl with a frown, and she persists him, he sighs, “I’m Joel. Look, you ate, we didn’t kill each other let’s call this a win-win and move on.” Henry cleans his hands and swallows the rest of his food, “Well, I’m betting that ya’ll came up here to get a view of the city and plan a way out. And when the sun’s up I’ll show you one.”

TLOU WORLD - 2023

OFFICE BUILDING, KANSAS CITY – DAY

“Welcome to Killa City.” Henry says as you three look out the large glass window, “No FEDRA.” Joel states and Henry confirms this, “Not as of ten days ago, no.” Joel has his arms crossed over his chest, while you stand beside him, he says, “We always heard KC FEDRA was…”

“Monsters? Savages? Yeah, you heard right.” Henry said and he recounts what happened in those walls, “Raped and tortured and murdered people for twenty years. And you know what happens when you do that to people? The moment they get the chance, they do it right back to you.” You shudder at the thought of that, for twenty years FEDRA raped, tortured, and murdered for sport, all because they had the opportunity and power to do as they pleased. “But your not FEDRA?” Joel asks him, Henry looks up at him, “No, worse. I’m a collaborator.”

“What’s a collaborator?” You ask, and Joel answers you, “He’s a rat. I don’t fuckin’ work with rats,” He’s turning and about to usher you away but Henry is swift as he retorts, “Yeah, you fucking do. Today you do because I live here and you don’t. That’s how I followed you here. I know this city, and that’s how I’m gonna help you get out.” Joel’s eyes narrow in suspicion, “Why help us?”

“I saw what you did. What you both did. The way you killed those men.” His eyes shift to look at you and Joel subtly steps in front of you to block him from staring at you, his protective instinct taking over, Henry stares at Joel again, “Now, I know where to go but I don’t know how to make it through alive. Not if it’s just me and Sam.”

“You seem capable enough. You’re armed.” Joel says and Henry shakes his head, “You’re wrong and wrong. Never killed anyone. And pointing an unloaded gun at both of you was the closest I’ve ever come to being violent. So that’s the deal. I show the way. You clear the way.”

A laugh from Ellie and Sam causes the three of you to bring your eyes to them. They’re reading Ellie’s pun book and giggling to themselves. Henry has made a major admission to the two of you, that their guns were not loaded. Joel faces the window again, trying to decide, and you hug yourself with both your arms and listen to Henry say, “Haven’t heard that in a long time.”

“So how are we getting out?” Joel asks reluctantly with both hands on his hips, he has no other option but to let Henry lead the way. He grabs a piece of paper, places it on the conference table, then uses a pencil and begins to draw a map of the area, he begins to explain how to cross the highway, “Highways, downtown.” He points to the center of the paper, “Us.” He circles a specific area of the map, “This whole area belongs to Kathleen.”

“She’s in charge?” Ellie questions next to you, “Leader of the resistance,” Henry confirms, “You can see the way we’re bounded by highways. They got people posted all around the inside perimeter. If we get close, we get caught. No question. So how do we get across?” Henry bangs on the table, the vibrations getting caught with Sam’s senses, he looks to Henry and signs to him, “How do we get across?” The young boy nods and writes across the Woody Woodpecker doodle pad, and he holds up the board, “Tunnels.”

Henry snaps his fingers, “Boom.” And Joel is perplexed as he questions, “Kansas City has a subway?” The older brother looks down before replying, “No, but they do have maintenance tunnels. There’s a bunch of buildings all put up by the same developers. And they share these tunnels, including… a bank building here.” He begins to draw on the sheet of paper again the graphite leaving marks on it, “So we enter the tunnels here travel underground, and pop up here. Westside North. Residential.” Joel has his mouth twisted to the side while you’re trying to process all the information being said by Henry, “There’s an embankment on the other side of the houses. We head down, pedestrian bridge over the river,” he claps his hand for emphasis, “free as a bird.”

“You’re right. That’s a great plan. So, what do you need me for?” Joel his voice was deep and stern as he asked, Henry, licks his lips nervously and takes a breath before replying, “You noticed anything strange about this city? I mean, other than the strange shit you’ve already seen.” You’re quick to reply, “There’s no infected above ground.”

“Bingo, damn she knows ASL and she’s observant, you’re pretty smart,” Henry says and you stare wide-eyed at his compliment, not knowing how to take it. Joel, however, is clenching his fist, and scowling at him. He clears his throat, uncomfortable and intimidated, “FEDRA drove them underground fifteen years ago and never let them come back up. It’s the only good thing those fascist motherfuckers ever did.”

“So you want us going into a tunnel?” Joel states and Henry quickly defends himself, “Everyone thinks that it’s full of Infected including Kathleen, which means that we’re not gonna be running into any of her people. But you see, what I know is it’s empty.” He smiles smugly and Joel is skeptical, “You’ve been down there?” Henry replies with a meek, “No,” Joel takes a deep, frustrated, breath, about to chew him out but Henry pushes on, “but the FEDRA guy that I worked with told me that it’s clean, completely clean. They cleared it out. All of it.”

“When?” Ellie asks this time, “Like three years ago.” Henry replies, and Joel tsked at him while placing both palms on the table, shaking his head in disapproval, he responds with, “Okay, maybe, there’s one or two but you handle it.” Joel looks up at him, “What if there’s more?” Ellie adds, “And one of those blind ones that sees like a bat?” Henry looks surprised, “Wait, you ran into a clicker?” The young girl acts brave, “Two of them.” He then says proving his point, “And you’re still alive. You see? You’re the right people. If it gets bad down there we turn around and run right back out the same way we came.” Joel pushes himself off the table, puffing his chest, “That’s your great plan?” Henry shoots back, “No, that’s my dicey-as-fuck plan. But as far as I could tell,” he shrugs, “it’s our only shot.”

Joel sighs and you hear a thumping sound from the table, it’s coming from Sam, and he signs, “What are they saying?” Henry looks to you for an answer, and immediately your gaze is fixed on Joel, the temper in his eyes cool down and soften, this tells you all you need to know, you look to Sam as you speak and sign to the young boy, “We’re going to help you escape.”

TLOU WORLD - 2023

BANK BUILDING, KANSAS CITY – DAY

The group makes their way across the street and into the abandoned bank. The tall glass windows made you restless, if one of the rebels drove by someone could spot you easily. Joel reads your mind as he says, “We need to get out of sight.” Henry takes a look around and spots the entrance, “Uh, I think it’s this way.” Joel nods and the group breaks into a jog to the right-side hallway of the bank building. The squeak of the door fills breaks the silence and the shine of flashlights chase away the darkness. All of you enter, and Henry says to Joel, “This should be it. You ready?” Joel shifts his gaze to Ellie and then you, “Get your gun out.”

Ellie smiles and pulls it out of her jacket pocket and you do the same, Joel begins to take the lead and you trail behind him. He pushes the large metal maintenance door, shining his flashlight and making sure it’s clear. “See, it’s empty. The plan is good.” Henry says optimistically, and you shake your head, pinching the bridge of your nose. You hear Joel shush him, “The plan is good? We’ve been down here for two seconds. We don’t know anything.” Henry leans back a little, tilting his head at Ellie and you, “You’re dad’s kind of a pessimist.” And in synchronized fashion, the two of them reply, “He’s not my dad.” While Joel says, “I’m not her dad.” You nearly laugh and hide your face with one of your hands as the other was currently holding the flashlight and gun. Henry doesn’t say anything and Joel begins to give instructions, “Just point your light forward and be ready to run.”

You walk a few paces behind Joel with Ellie right behind you, the sound of footsteps echoes in the tunnel, and with every step, you hear the sound of the cement beneath your boots. After what seems like an hour, you take a left, to a section of the tunnel, and stumble across a colorful entrance, one you instantly recognize from one of the scenes in the video game. A castle is painted at the entrance of the door, and blue covers the walls representing the sky, people were drawn on them, child-like in manner. Flowers were painted, along with hills and rainbows.

Ellie lets out a quiet, “Woah,” as your lights bounced around the walls to admire and inspect them. You see Sam about to open the door but Joel stops him while shaking his head, “No.” He goes first, pushing the heavy door, taking a peek with his gun out, and finding no infected.

The rest of the group follows him inside to find chairs, tables, toys, and books scattered around the room. You see the large goal painted on the wall and find a ball right next to it. Joel looks up to find the ventilation fan and says, “I heard about places like this. People went underground after Outbreak Day. Built settlements.”

“What happened to them?” Ellie asks, and Joel looks at the whiteboard with the written house rules, “Maybe they didn’t follow the rules and they all got infected.” Ellie hums and walks over to one of the tables, Sam plops down on one of the chairs, and she messes around with him. Joel looks at a kid’s drawing on the wall, figures representing Danny and Ish. You look over his shoulder and then approached the wall, grabbing the drawing. Joel watches you and asks, “Do you know who they are?” You nod, “Yeah, Ish’s backstory might be different though. But the summary of it is that he established a community here with another guy named Danny, and Suzan and Kyle, with their kids. And several others, but at some point, a door was left open. Just like you said, someone forgot to follow the rules.” Joel sees you frowning and your eyes sad, “What happened to them?” You look up at him, “Ish, Suzan, and the kids escaped and made it out to the suburbs, after that their fate is unknown.”

You hear Ellie and Sam find a Savage Starlight comic and hear her excitement, “No way! I love these!” They begin to converse over the comic issues that they have, you shine your light around the room, looking through books and drawings. You hear Ellie speak again, “To the edge of the universe and back. Endure and Survive.” He begins to teach her how to sign the last two words, “Endure. Survive. Fuck yeah, man!” And they giggle and high-five.

“Keep it down. We’re not out yet.” Joel says and you’re busy grabbing one of the science books that was left behind, you hear Ellie groan, “Oh, c’mon. Can we just rest here for a while? There’s like actually shit to do here.” Henry pipes in, “Wouldn’t be so bad to wait the light out a bit. Safer in the shadows when we pop back out on the other side.” You also decide to mumble, not caring if they heard or not, “And let them be kids for a bit. It wouldn’t hurt them to have a little fun.”

Ellie looks at Joel, and seemingly outnumbered, he shrugs and lets them do whatever. The three of you sit at the table, next to Joel, while he and Henry watch both of the kids play. You are busy studying the book you found, was a bit outdated, but it still held the key information you needed to review, and for some reason, you’re having a hard time remembering important memories.

You hear Ellie and Sam having the most fun that they’ve had in years. Their life is a gorgeous broken gift, with billions of people waiting to be fixed. They were just kids who grew up strong enough to pick this armor up, and suddenly it fits. They grew up too quickly, but if only they knew, that the sunlight shines a little brighter, the weight of the world’s a little lighter all because of them. 

You hear Joel lowly speak, “If you were… collaboratin’ to take care of him I shouldn’t have said what I said. I don’t know you’re situation. And I’m not sayin’ they should let it go, but… All things considered, seems kinda cruel… to send a whole army after you for that.” You raise your eyes from the book, watching the two men, Henry looks down before he admits what information he was hiding, “You know, I wasn’t… exactly telling you two the truth before about me not killing someone.”

Joel turns to look at him with his mouth slightly parted while your eyes are simply waiting for him to continue, “There was a man, a great man. You know, he was never afraid, never selfish, and he was always forgiving. Have you ever met someone like that? Kind of man you’d follow anywhere.” Your leg begins to bounce up and down in anticipation while you slowly bring your eyes to Joel. He wasn’t that kind of man, and despite that, you knew deep down you follow him anywhere. Henry continues and your eyes dart back to him, “I mean, I wanted to. I would’ve. Yeah, but… Sam, he… he got sick. Leukemia.” Your leg stops bouncing after that, you completely go numb and breathing becomes a little harder. A pause between you three, a dose of reality that there were plenty of other illnesses and diseases besides the cordyceps they had to worry about. The quality and value of human lives have deteriorated over the twenty years in their world, and the decisions people have collectively made, to fight each other rather than together inevitably cause the apocalyptic world they have today. You know so little, yet fear so much. You aspire not to expire at the hand of some infectious disease. Children can no longer have proper childhoods, and no more clumsy start to adolescence, the moment they were brought into this world, they now also carry the burden of the past.

Henry continues, “Yeah, anyway… there was one drug that worked and, whoa, big shock. There wasn’t much left of it and it belonged to FEDRA. And if I wanted some it was gonna take something big. So I gave them something big. That one great man. The leader of the resistance movement in Kansas City. And Kathleen’s brother. Yeah, so… you still think they should take it easy on me? Or am I the bad guy?”

You rub the side of your face in exhaustion and stress, while Joel gives him a one-shoulder shrug, “I don’t know what you’re waitin’ on, man. The answer’s easy. I am the bad guy because I did a bad guy thing.” You shake your head, “What was his name?” He promptly responds, “Michael.” You continue, disagreeing with his statement, “No, it will never be that easy. You made a human decision. You took a risk because of your love for Sam at the cost of an uprising that wouldn’t have even happened if you hadn’t done what you did.” Henry only looks at you with guilt then he stares at Joel, “But you get it, though. You might not be her father, but you were someone’s.” Joel doesn’t deny it and simply looks down at the table while Henry goes on, “See, I could tell.” He shifts his gaze at you again, “You weren’t a parent, but I see how hard you try to be there for everyone.”

Joel looks at you for confirmation, but you merely blink with a gaze full of denial, you turn away and stand up from your chair while grabbing your flashlight, gun, and bag, “It doesn’t matter. I don’t matter. The sun is about to set, let’s go.” For the first time, you were the one to walk away.

TLOU WORLD – 2023

PARKING LOT OF THE BANK OF AMERICA, ON THE WAY TO THE SUBURBS, KANSAS CITY – NIGHT

The sound of the metal door opening fills your ears as you walk out of the stairwell, flashlights shine through the darkness as Joel asks, “Do you know where we are?” Henry replies with optimism, “Yep. The other side.” You begin to walk away from the parking lot and into the suburbs. You pull Joel to the side and tug on his arm, he leans down to your height before you could go on your tip toes, and you whisper, “Joel, I’m not sure Sam and Henry are gonna make it. So far it’s been good, and things might’ve changed but I’m not sure what’s going to happen next, ‘cause I can’t remember how it goes from here.”

He looks at you with great concern, “What do you mean?” Your eyebrows tense and your eyes nervously move and shift as the words spill out of your mouth, talking in circles, “Henry might kill himself, but I don’t know why, something is stopping me from fully remembering, I was gonna tell you as soon as I could, but everything was happening so fast and at first I couldn’t recognize anything until the settlement we found… but I can’t… I’m trying my hardest, I swear but–” Joel grips your shoulders and you freeze, “Look at me.” You can feel your heartbeat racing, the anxiety running through your bloodstream and crippling your ability to breathe, “Hey… Hey. Look at me. It will be fine, we’ll figure it out, together.” Your eyes slowly fix on him as the both of you stood there, you know Joel doesn’t make promises, he isn’t at that point yet, but his sense of needing to care for you, to find a way to get rid of your distress, is slowly overpowering his practicality right now. He feels it within himself as his eyes are steadily on yours, trying to keep you grounded, here with him. Slowly, you come back to yourself and take a deep breath, mimicking his breathing.

The world was brighter before you had learned to dim it down, now you call it survival, breath is borrowed and our compass within you stands still. Beneath your brave and trusting feet, all revelations come to you in recovery, you start to nod at the man in front of you, who had his hand still gripped on your shoulders, “I’m fine. I’m okay. Let’s keep going.”

You hadn’t realized that the rest of the group had stopped a few steps ahead of you to give you and Joel the privacy you needed, he lets go and you follow him forward, Ellie only gives you a reassuring smile and you gently smile back at her. There are rows of houses sound asleep, and only streetlamps notice you, while you look for signals, for a clue.

Joel continues to lead the pack and you hear Henry comment from behind you, “No one is here. No one’s gonna be here because my plan worked.” You look up to the sky in annoyance as you, “Can you not say shit like that. It’ll jinx us.” And Joel clicks his tongue at him, “So much goddamn talkin’.” Ellie smirks at both of your attitudes while Henry points out, “I’m just sayin’, I deliver.” He raises his arm and directs, “Make this right, go down the street embankment behind the last house… and we’re out.”

Ellie peers at Henry questioning him, “So we cross the river, and then what? Where ya gonna go?” He ponders for a moment, “Don’t know yet.” And Ellie can’t help herself as she says to him, “Well, we’re goin’ to Wyoming.” Joel turns his head to glare at Ellie, she shrugs at him, “What? It’s a huge state. It can fit two more people.” He looks ahead, not wanting to argue with her, Henry senses Joel doesn’t want them joining, “Yeah. Maybe we just call this one a success and say our fond farewells.” Ellie replies, “No. He’ll change his mind. Trust me. This is how it goes.” Then she begins to mock Joel’s tone and voice, “He’s like, ‘No, Ellie. Never, ever, ever happening.’ And then I’m like,  ‘I’m gonna ask you a million more times.’ And he’s like–”

The sound of a bullet piercing through one of the rusting cars on the side of the street causes all five of you to flinch and duck your heads, you hear Ellie scream, “Fuck!” You’re all confused and puzzled, looking for the source of the sound. A second shot rings out and you all fully process you’re now in a potentially life-threatening situation. Joel shouts and covers you all, “Move! Move! Go!” You all run to hide behind a car, and get low on the ground, “Where the fuck is that coming from?” Henry asks and Joel hisses at him, “Shut up.”

Joel peeks to try and identify where the sniper is positioned, he sees a muzzle flash go off at the end of the road, the highest window of the last house, and he ducks back down. The sharp sound of glass shattering behind you. You hear Henry, “Shit. All right, fuck. Let’s move. Let’s go.” And proceeds to grab Sam by the wrist, attempting to run away, Joel yells at them for their naiveness, “What are you doin’?” He replies, “Gettin’ the fuck outta here!” But another gunshot rings out, hitting the rooftop of one of the nearby cars, Henry reacts and drags Sam back to the three of you, he asks panting, “What do we do?” Joel tries to peek again and luckily the guy misses and hits the car’s trunk.

After assessing the situation, Joel tucks his revolver back in his gun holster, “All right. Stay here.” Ellie whips her head to look at him and you do the same, all at once you both say, “What?” He brings his body to fully face the both of you, “If you don’t move, he’s not gonna hit you. I’m gonna go around, try to get in the house from the back, and then I’ll take him out.” Ellie brings up her valid concern, her voice filled with worry, “But if you go out there he’s gonna kill you.” Joel responds with confidence, “It’s dark and he has shit aim. Nobody’s gonna kill me.” She tries to argue, “Then he’s gonna kill us.”

A beat passes. Then Joel looks directly at Ellie, his eyes firm and steady, with no ounce of doubt, he asks her full of conviction, “Do you trust me?” Ellie swallows down her fear, blinks, and nods. “Birdie, watch over her,” Joel commands and leaves you no room or time to argue, he gets up and proceeds to make his way over to the house down the road.

You and Ellie anxiously watch from a distance, each second you’re secretly praying and wishing that nothing happens to him. Your heart is beating so loudly, the sound of drums beating and thumping non-stop, your worry so evident that you try and stop the oncoming tears that threaten to spill off your face. How quickly did you grow attached to someone who you once believed wasn’t even real? The truth is, the chances are you are alike, against the odds and the grain. Against what better judgment writes, you both ache like children for love. You have no stakes on the ground or an anchor tied down. There are no guarantees, you know nothing but your fears of attachment and neediness.

You toss your feelings away, letting them sink deep below the ocean floor in your chest. It doesn’t matter. You remind yourself and watch him make his way to the back of the house, no longer seeing the silhouette of his figure. Two more loud pops and then the gunfire stops, the four of you sit in quiet eerie silence. You couldn’t tell if minutes or an hour had passed, but a distant gunshot could be heard, this time not directed at any of you. 

You hear a revving car from a distance, and Joel distant yell but is unable to understand what he’s trying to communicate. Ellie’s ears perk up and you all stand to see lights appearing from a distance. Shit. You grab Ellie by the wrist and yell out, “Run!” You feel your whole body working; your leg muscles running warm, cold air entering your lungs and blood flowing into all your limbs. Your calves burned, and your breath formed clouds in the air. You look up at the house while sprinting, and from a distance you see Joel trying to take out the driver of the plow that was barreling through the cars. You and Ellie try to shoot while running, but it does essentially nothing to stop the truck.

The tensions heighten when Joel’s rifle jams and you three are helplessly trying to evade the plow. But this jam provides pause for Joel to collect his breath and re-aim, so the next shot he fires takes out the plow driver. The large truck crashes into a house, causing it to go ablaze and a loud explosion occurs. Ellie falls to the grown and you pick her right back up, quickly ushering her to Henry and Sam, who were hiding behind one of the old and rotting cars, you ask her, “You okay?” She replies with a small, “Yeah.” You hear a loud voice coming from a woman, assuming it’s Kathleen, “Dead end, Henry. Gonna step on out? Save us some time? No? That’s all right, it doesn’t matter.”

Henry looks at Sam, who’s terrified and shaking, he yells out, “I’ll come out! Just let the girl and the kids go!” Kathleen clicks her tongue and in a calm tone, she responds, “No. Sorry. Those two girls are with the man who killed Bryan. And Sam… Well, Sam’s with you.” Henry argues, “You don’t understand!” And the rebel leader pushes back, “But I do. I know why you did what you did. But did you ever stop to think that maybe he was supposed to die?” His voice chokes up as answered, “He’s just a fucking kid!” You can hear the way Kathleen rolls her eyes, “Well, kids die, Henry. They die all the time. You think the whole world revolves around him? That he’s worth… everything? Well, this is what happens when you fuck with fate.”

You couldn’t help yourself, the lightheadedness you feel, the built-up stress, the adrenaline within you, the gasoline that had turned into a flame, an anger that could match a bull’s, recklessly you shout at her, “I’m sorry about Michael, I am. But, Kathleen, can you fucking look past your revenge? Past your hate? Did you even fucking realize that none of this would have happened, your so-called freedom and victory over FEDRA would have never happened if your brother hadn’t died.”

“You have no idea what it’s fucking like! To be without him! He was everything!” She shrieks and you raise your voice louder, “I fucking do! To have everything you’ve known and loved taken away from you? To lose? I know it all too well. Kathleen, can’t you see? We all lost. All of us lost the day the outbreak happened.” There was a pause, and you hear the gears turning in their heads, you continue, “Will killing us bring them back from the dead, or will it just validate your anger? The world ended and all this time we’ve wasted trying to kill each other instead of working together to try and fix the obvious problem. And for what? Tell me. What good did it do?”

A collective silence fills the air, save for the only noise coming from the burning house across the street, Kathleen shakes her head and shifts her weight from one foot to the other, sealing her fate, “I don’t care.” 

You shake your head in disappointment, Henry grabs you by the wrist, “Get ready to take them and run.” You start to argue but reassures you, “Yes! Do it.” You grab Ellie’s hand while she holds Sam’s, ready to run. You hear Kathleen speak again, “It’s time, Henry. Enough!” He takes a deep breath before you watch him stand up, his hands in the air, walking into their view. Kathleen shrugs, “It ends the way it ends.” The click of a gun could be heard, and you anticipate the gunshot but instead hear a loud rumbling noise.

You peek past the cars to see the plow truck has damaged the basement of the house, caving a hole into the sewers below, and then you hear the familiar sound of groans and screeching. The Infected geyser up out of the hole, all at once, sprinting towards the rebels. The sounds of gunfire rang out and more infected came up out of the hole, they seemed infinite. Henry joins back to the three of you and hides behind the truck, a Clicker chases after him and stands atop the truck only for it to get shot by Joel. Henry grabs Sam and decides to run away, you and Ellie do the same. Only for you to get separated when a Clicker grabs Ellie, and Joel shoots it from the perch. The impact causes you both to fall, this is when you and Ellie spot an open car window. Knowing you won’t fit, you tell Ellie, “Go, I’ll help clear the way and then find another way to the house.” She nods and begins to crawl, and you raise your gun and fire at the infected, trying your best to protect Ellie, doing what Joel asked of you. Hearing the more shots from above, you knew Joel was also clearing the way for Ellie.

When she crawls through the window, your mind begins to race. You need to find cover and fast. Finding another car, you duck behind it, reloading your gun as you do. You shouldn’t draw attention, and make as minimal noise as possible. The screams of rebels being attacked fill your ears as well as cars ramming over dozens of Infected. A Clicker approaches you but you push down your fear and side-step it, twisting your body and then shooting twice at its head. It falls limp to the ground, a Runner tries to grab you but you manage to hit it with the butt of your gun, shooting it straight in the head.

You hear a large growl from the crater, and turn your body to look for the noise. Motherfucker. A Bloater begins to emerge from the underground, completely covered in fungal armor plating, its belly sagging and spores popping out from each part of its body. The massive beast tears into the army like it's made of paper people. No amount of bullets will do any damage to the Bloater, and you have zero molotov cocktails, the best course of action was to get Ellie and run. You spot and see Ellie hastily crawl out of the van, a child clicker screaming from the inside of the car. You dart your eyes to see where Ellie is going and spot Henry and Sam surrounded by two Infected.

You sprint your way over there, helping Ellie get rid of the first Clicker and Joel shooting the second one from a distance. A thin layer of sweat covers the back of your neck, and you can feel the aching of your back, as you fight off another Clicker, its mouth screeching at you and trying to bite you. Another loud pop of a gunshot rings out and the Clicker goes limp, you take a large breath and grab Ellie, along with Sam and Henry. The young girl yells out, “Come on… come on! Go… Go!”

You make it out past all the chaos to the front area of the last house, as you run, you hear Kathleen shout, “Stop!” All of you turn to face her, she has a gun pointed directly at Henry. Your heart is racing, and your breathing rate rises rapidly, you bring your eyes to an infected crawling from behind the fence, and Kathleen turns to see what you’re looking at. She was too slow to react, the child Clicker shrieked and jumped on top of her, and the leader of the rebellion fell to the ground screaming. The creature thrashes and mauls her alive as she’s screeching for her life. A car crash you couldn’t turn away from, as you watched her get bit, mumbling under your breath, “Comeuppance.”

Joel makes his way downstairs and outside the house to find all of you frozen, he yells to get his group's attention, “This way now! Move!” Joel is the last to follow, ensuring everyone’s safety. Even from a large distance, you could hear the hundreds of clickers making their way into Kansas City, ready to infect and destroy the foundations they have built.

TLOU WORLD – 2023

ABANDONED MOTEL SUITE, KANSAS CITY – NIGHT

With the fighting over, the five manage to find a safe refuge away from the carnage. A motel suite far away from the infected in the city, for now. The stars are a choir in the symphony of the black; they are lights that sing in limitless ways. Sometimes music is needed for the eyes, and the deeper the night, the sweeter the melody.

You, Joel, and Henry sit in the musty living room area. Henry is sitting on top of a bedside table, while Joel is sitting on the floor, one leg curled up to his chest while the other is stretched out, he has his back to the radiator, and you are next to him curled into a ball, elbows almost brushing, but they don’t. You can hear the chirping of crickets, indicating the bugs have come out to play and exchange stories. The only source of light is the yellow glow from the bedroom, you watch Ellie and Sam continue to read the comic book that they found from the settlement.

“You think they’ll be okay?” Henry asks, still eating the remaining food you’ve packed. Joel nods, “Yeah, I think. It’s easier when you’re a kid anyway.” There’s an audible gulp as he swallows, “You don’t have anybody else relying on you. That’s the hard part.” Henry nods, “Well… I guess we’re doing a good job then.” Joel agrees, “What’s that comic book say? Endure and survive?” And the other man confirms it, “Endure and survive. That’s shits redundant.” Joel gives a breathy laugh, “Yeah, it’s not great.” Henry chuckles with him, “Yeah, no.”

You get up from the floor, not having the heart to tell them how they were wrong. Those kids now felt an enormous amount of responsibility for one another. And to survive means to stave off death, but to endure means to emotionally harden oneself, and tolerate the pain of survival. You begin to walk out the door of the room and Joel calls your name but you don’t turn around, he calls for you again, “Where are you goin’?” You don’t look at him as you lie through your teeth, “I’m just gonna go look at the stars for a bit. I’ll be right outside the door.” You exit the room after that, quietly shutting the door, and sitting on the pavement that faces the parking lot.

You let out a loud sigh, close your eyes, and cover them with your hands. You’re completely worn out, your mind is full but you can't speak, these tired gears, and you’re here somewhere between, drained from the events of today. You remove your hands from your face and take the gun out of your holster, letting it lay flat on the palms of your hand. The heavyweight of your decision rests on a single action.

You nervously lift the left sleeve of your jacket, the bitemarks of the infection are there, but there is no sign of it spreading, no yellowing or puss seeping out of your skin. Your mouth partially opens in shock and confusion, with only one thought in your mind. What the fuck?

You pull the sleeve of your jacket down. This doesn’t make any fucking sense. Then again, you’re in a supposed fictional world with its main cast of characters. None of it should make sense. But you figured, the rules would apply to you as well, that you could get infected. You felt ignorant, humiliated, and painfully unmagical. You are old enough to distinguish a sorceress from a lonely girl, and magic from survival. You make every effort to leave the past alone; it is the result of living in the between, the weight of your found family, and the pull of gravity.

You slowly form your hypothesis in your head as to why you’re immune. Could it be because you weren’t supposed to be here in the first place? You recall something from your previous research notes, ‘In theory, it could be possible to analyze the state of every atom in a person’s body and transmit it to a new location, where the person could be reassembled atom by atom.’

You take a large inhale and rest your head on your hand, which means needing enough information and processing power by using a quantum system, and while measuring, there are multiple possibilities, until the measurement is conducted. But that processing power would have needed an immense amount of energy.

In the tug of war between the tide, you were swept ashore like bottles holding prayers. The courage you contained, and the flutter of your earnest heart, will fill the silent seas, and it has restored a part of your memory. Radiation has become a key factor in the multiple theories you’ve read over the years. So when your atoms had been reassembled, your body must have also mutated and adapted to kill foreign infections, including the Cordyceps.

You hear the sound of the door closing and you don’t need to guess who was there behind you. With the heavy footsteps and sound of the rustling jacket, he quietly groans as he sits next to you on the pavement, the smell of ash and smoke exuding from his being. Joel notices the gun, which was now on your lap but he remains silent, not knowing what to say or do, while you’re deciding if you should share what you’ve discovered with him. You didn’t even register that you were bouncing your leg up and down again until he cautiously and slowly placed his hand on your knee, which caused you to stop the action.

You tilt your head to look at him, and he sees the clear glaze around your eyes, this moment, where you recognize you have no idea what the future holds anymore and the story you’ve been silently telling yourself about what the future is going to be like, has fallen apart in a matter of minutes. It doesn’t get replaced with any new information, it’s simply vanished, an atmospheric tumult. You find no comfort in this discovery, it's like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark and mistaking one stair for another. Your foot slips through the air, and you have a sickening moment of gloomy astonishment as you struggle to reset your perspective. 

You are desperate for some kind of clue, this kind of fear of the unknown terrifies you, the sudden obliteration of expectation, the overwhelming feeling of frustration and fear builds up and rushes down like a rapid river stream. You bite down your lip to stop it from trembling and fold your hands to stop them from shaking. You’re trying to find the best way to avoid confrontation or conflict, but Joel still has his hand on your knee, not letting you get up and leave again without explaining yourself. You could be described as a great river, one which can carry everything along with them but with a hidden dammed-up reservoir of energy. You have very little access to it, due to feeling bad for rocking the boat. For this reason alone, you are generally tired all the time.

Take a deep breath to center yourself, willing yourself to not stutter, and you tell him word by word what you’ve discovered and the possibility of how you got into this world. He stays silent, listening to every word coming out of your mouth, even the science jargon he’s not used to. But what he does understand is, you’re immune just like Ellie. He’s still silent by the time you’re done, and you’re so nauseous that you might throw up on him. You turn away from him, waiting for him to lash out at you, scream and leave you behind. He takes his hand away from your knee, you feel the air in your lungs refusing to leave, and you shut your eyes, anticipating the warm body next to you to walk away.

Instead, he removes the gun from your lap and places it on the ground right next to him, then he holds your elbow cautiously and gently, and your eyes open in surprise, you watch him roll up your sleeve to see the bite completely faded, leaving an almost unnoticeable scar. He brings his eyes to yours and he anchors you down safely, there is rage in his eyes, and you quietly whisper, “Joel?”

You feel his hands squeezing your arm as he hissed at you, “Are you out of your goddamn mind? You should’ve known better than to go out there fightin’ all those infected. How could you be so reckless? What were you thinkin’?” You’re befuddled by his sudden lashing out, you narrow your eyes and try to uncover what he truly meant, and you try to calmly reply, “Joel, it’s okay... Next time, I’ll be more careful, and since I’m immune–” He talks over you, stern and unsmiling, “There will be no next time.” You pull back a little from him, “What? Are you serious? I’m immune and there was barely a scratch on me when the car–” He doesn’t let you finish your sentence, his voice so cold as he says, “You got hurt. Twice. Because of me. Of what I did and keep asking you to do and you would’ve ended up like–”

You frown and can’t help the questions in your mind spiral, what if your injury had gotten worse or you hadn’t been immune? You could have turned. Just like Tess. Does he believe you’re her replacement? That you could be like her? Or you could end up like her?

You blink at him, putting more distance between you two, there is a war inside of you, you are out of depth at this altitude, it’s suffocating you, and feel your walls cave in. Your throat closes up at the thought of him thinking you were like her, that you could ever be her replacement, and your voice is soft and vulnerable as you admit the words you never wanted to say, “Joel… I’m not her. I’m not Tess.” He flinches and recognizes the hurt in your tone, and his heart sinks to his stomach faster than a stone hitting the bottom of a lake. You turn away from him, not wanting to give in to his warmth and strong protective nature, “I’m not her.”

The absence of sound between you two is deafening and consuming all that it touches. In your mind, you beg for it to stop, the need to fill the gaps with a problem you both don’t need. With folded arms and tired eyes, you try your hardest not to cry. The heavy ache in his chest leaves him restless and unable to find the right words to say. Sensing that there was nothing left to say, you stand up and turn to walk away but Joel grabs your wrist and you bring yourself to look at him to see his eyes silently pleading for you to stay. You bite the inside of your cheek and sit back down, expecting Joel to let go but he doesn’t. This causes you to lift your eyes and find him with his mouth open, trying his best to communicate with you without his pride and anger getting in the way of something good.

“You’re right, you aren’t Tess.” He said with his voice low, and can’t help the tears spill out from the rim of your eyes, you whip your head away from him, trying to pull your wrist from his grasp but he doesn’t let up, “Joel, let go of me.” He doesn’t, instead, he holds you tighter and says, “You aren’t Tess, Birdie. You are so much more than that… You are one of the good in my life that I… Hummin’ bird, I don’t know what I’d do if…”

He has trouble continuing, him admitting fragments of what he said shook you to your core. You’re incredibly clever but it takes you a while to process what he meant, so you tilt your head and try to see past his defenses, with these tall invisible walls he keeps himself in. You try to understand his perspective, it is why your mouth forms an ‘o’, not a gasp but the start of, oh, of course. He doesn’t see you as her. But he is angry, yes, but not at you, at himself. He wasn’t able to fully protect you. He made the tough call of crashing the car into the laundromat and you got hurt in the process. And then specifically asked you to watch over Ellie for him and you got bitten because of what he asked you to do. 

You slowly lift your other hand to rest on his cheek, and he flinches, but after a moment he allows himself to relax, unsure and clumsy, you say, “Joel. I’m right here, okay? I’m not going anywhere. I’m fine. I’m alive. I’m here with you. See?” You feel the want of thrill, of taking a risk. The pleasure of feeling the rush as feel yourself grow warmer. You let it happen.

The cracks begin to show, he feels his restraint slipping away, brick by brick and piece by piece. His struggle is not anymore with you, but with himself, his fears and desires, and the cognitive dissonance arising within. God, he’s so afraid, he wants so badly for his selfishness to win, and chooses to flutter his eyes close, with your hand still on his cheek, gently stroking his face, and for once, he thinks to himself, just for tonight, he leans closer to your touch, letting you become his sanctuary.

TLOU WORLD – 2023

ABANDONED MOTEL SUITE, KANSAS CITY – DAY

You had fallen asleep on the dark green carpeted floor next to Joel, using both of your jackets as pillows. Joel had moved in his sleep again and curled himself around you. His heavy warm arms wrapped around your waist and the ghost of his breath on your neck.

A loud thump and the sound of Ellie screaming jolts you and Joel awake. You sit up and see Sam tackle Ellie out the door of their bedroom. She hits the carpet, trying to fight off Sam, who’s scratching and shrieking at her, he has turned into the first stage of the infection. Ellie’s yells are piercing through your ears and you crawl to reach for the gun next to you, only for Henry to snatch it before you.

“Nope!” Henry says as he aims the gun at you and Joel, and Ellie is shrieking your names, for you and Joel to save her. You and Joel have a look of pure rage as you both try and take a step forward only for Henry to shoot at the floor, causing both of you to flinch back. Ellie tries again, wailing and crying out your names, and it only takes a second, before Henry turns the gun and shoots Sam right through the head. Blood splatters on the wall and the young superhero goes limp on the ground.

Your entire body is trembling, while Ellie is kneeling on the ground, looking at Sam’s lifeless body, you look at Henry, who is whimpering and sobbing, he blinks and watches his little brother’s blood stain the carpet, like spilling ink. Joel is heavily breathing and focuses on the young girl, “Ellie,” she turns numbly at him, “Are you okay?” He goes walk towards her, only for Henry to point the revolver at Joel’s head. Without a second thought, you step forward, protecting Joel from Henry. You raise your hands in front of you and plead, “Henry, easy, easy… Henry, please give me the gun.” His breath is shaking and erratic as he asks, “What did I do?” You try and calm him down, “Henry…” He doesn’t listen and still asks, “What did I do? What… what did I do?” He looks down at Sam’s limp and still body, the blood still pooling onto the carpet. A dark shade of maroon continued to seep out from his skull. “Sam?” He asks, lips quivering and his eyes full of fear, he looks back over to you, and you wail, “Henry, please don’t–”

He aims the pistol at his head, and you swore you saw before you blinked. There was no second thought, no going back or erasing. An avalanche now spent in white flag waking days. The loud pop, thud, and shriek follow in a sequence that will haunt your nightmares for the rest of your life, a memory wielded as a weapon. Every good intention is overshadowed by the stain of the past. Death is a blindfolded, bitter kiss. It's the finger put against your lips, emphasizing how they should have lived.

TLOU WORLD – 2023

OUTSIDE THE ABANDONED MOTEL SUITE, KANSAS CITY – DAY

You and Joel are outside, and the sound of shoveling dirt is a sound you’ve now grown to despise. The cold wind moves in only to meet the warmth of your blood, the only defense you have left. You feel it wash over your skin, again and again, only to be met by the beat of your aching heart. Fairness is a ghost, and its sightings take shape in such permanent truth. In the sullen silence, you were all taking turns shattering apart.

Ellie had gone back inside the motel room to get the rest of your things as you and Joel patted down the dirt, creating a small graveyard for the two brothers. If you could turn back the hourglass, you would. Reset every grain of sand, and give these two a proper chance at living the life they should have lived, you would. Your mind continues to spin webs of question marks and regrets as you stop your movements and stand there with instability. Ellie toses two backpacks on the ground, you watch her kneel on one knee and place the doodle pad on Sam’s grave, with ‘I’m Sorry’ written on it, the string of the pen is wrapped around the top and the pen is safely tucked in, making sure no one else will be able to write anything else.

Ellie stands up and asks Joel, “Which way’s west?” He only responds by tilting his head in the direction of it. She’s the first to walk away this time, a kid who grew up scared enough to hold the door shut and bury her innocence. You and Joel say nothing as you stare at the note, and hear her call for you both, “Let’s go.”

You both drop your shovels and grab your things, catching up to Ellie. Your steady true north fades, the three of you walking toward where the sun sleeps and casting your silhouettes as you do. Maybe there’s no answer here, at least neither one of you are ready to hear. No string of words will justify it or a simple equation to show you the solution and answer. In the meantime, you learn that you don’t have all the answers, just a little light to call your own, though sometimes it pales in comparison to the overarching shadows. 

Previous Chapter -> Next Chapter

END NOTES:

I am a hundred percent sure this was the fastest chapter I’ve written and felt so much easier than Episode 4 ohMYGAHD

HOW ARE WE FEELING?? ARE YOU GUYS OKAY??? DRINK SOME WATER BREATHEEE

YAY YOU’RE IMMUNE CONGRATS AHHH *confetti canon*

Wait why r u not happy you’re immune- oh right, you don't know what's gonna happen to you now that you have that information and it doesn't add anything good— it just makes you feel bad lol that sucks (the sudden obliteration of expectation) cause you’ve been telling a narrative you’ve always known and it’s changed and you have no fricken clue what's next

DID I GO BACK AND FORTH WONDERING IF THE READER SHOULD BE IMMUNE: YEP, A LOT… IT KEPT ME UP TILL 4 AM AND I CHOSE THIS BCS tbh it makes sense (??) you’re already a hecking anomaly, might as well be immune too :> Also, I’d like to hope this decision helped the story progress further… I think

Did the science make sense?? I hope so, I researched a lot on quantum teleportation and its possibilities. In theory, yes it’s probable. If you can manage to send every information about the atoms in your body, then send it to a specific time and place, which would take a massive amount of energy and processing power to do, yes u can teleport hooray! I'm just gonna assume radiation plays a part in the energy aspect and then since fungal infections can’t withstand that amount of heat from the radiation and your body has adapted— yeah you get the rest. (You’re not glowing radiation, it's just your immune system can fight the fungi lol)

I know a lot of people are gonna be rolling their eyes and saying, “why am I immune, goSH, so cliCHE, Y/N? knOWS ASL TOO?? WHY AM I SO SPECIAL?? I want to get bitten and be useless and not connect with anY chAracters–” well pretty thing, you’re one of the main characters! Ofc you’re special, you freaking discovered how to get to the TLOU world, I can’t have you dying on me… yet… silly!

Joel is having internal conflict with literally with his feelings about Ellie and yOU <3 I hope I portrayed that properly and well enough. Lowkey needed to write the miscommunication part because that question of if you were just a replacement for Tess was brewing in the back of your mind. Joel being him can’t fully express his feelings properly, so you settle for the broken sentences he has to offer and piece together the shards to find clues of what he means. Later on, it will be easier for him but for now, you both take baby steps.

But God writing that part had so many revisions and played every single possible scenario in my head— constantly questioning if it was good enough. Like was the thing I was trying to do between the reader and Joel natural and seamless? Did this conflict get resolved at all? Did I do this too soon?? Idk I’m just trying my best and I’m a sucker for Joel giving in bit by bit T^T (i mean i didn't make them kiss yet so I'm assuming wasn’t so rUSHED)

This episode centered around Joel rethinking his relationship with Ellie and YOU hehe. But I did want to give Sam and Henry the spotlight they deserved as well. I tried my best to find the balance in all of this, I hope I didn’t disappoint anyone with this chapter :&lt;<

oKAY INTO EPISODE 6 I GO, time to rewatch the pain again T^T

Grace

TAGLIST:

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[cafesweetvn]

(first i wanna say TYSM for the art compliments ;__; these characters are all so charming and have such pretty designs so i’m so happy to draw them)

second, i wanted to ask— as someone who likes to cook and bake often, how would the love interests react to an mc who often gifted them (and others) snacks as a sign of affection? if all the love interests are too many, then just sanka, fritz, and imani are fine!!

(also crying at fritz getting cat toys for my mc 😭😭 fritz bro i love you but what an insane thing to receive)

SOBBING HFJGDKJG OF COURSE!! I LOVE YOUR ART SO MUCH!! ITS SO CUTE AND PRETTY TO LOOK AT!! I ADORE THE WAY YOU SHADE TOO ITS SO FUN!! Please, he's so weird. Hes just dangling the feather on a string above your had and expecting you to play with it like a cat would(shiiii It'd work on me honestly, I love playing with cat toys LMAOOO)

Artemis: Artemis would appreciate the snacks as he doesn't really take care of himself on the job(I think he's also aware he's not the most enjoyable person in the workplace for you(or anyone), so he'd be surprised and happy to receive snacks from you)! He'd most likely snack on them in the back while he's doing paperwork!! I don't think he'd notice its a sign of affection though, and wouldn't mind if you gave others snacks(unless it affected Sanka and Hyun-ae from working)!

Sanka: Sanka squeals when they see the snacks, bouncing up and down and asking if the snacks are for them! If you say yes then she's over the moon and running in circle's taking the snacks and instantly eating one :3 He'll praise you and tell you its the best thing he's ever eaten in his entire like(he's not exaggerating!!) Sanka will try to bake you cookies back but they didn't turn out too well(Sanka isn't allowed in the kitchen) theres a plethora of different looking cookies, some are burnt, and others are flat(used too much butter)

Hyun-ae: Hyun-ae smiles and takes the snacks and saves them for her break or when she gets hungry in the kitchen making others orders. She's very chill about receiving them but she praises you and thanks you repeatedly throughout the day. She'll ask you if you want to go someplace to eat when you're free, your choice, and she pays for your meal. That said, Hyun-ae can cook so if you wanted something home made she'd make it for you!

Davi: Davi is overjoyed to receive snacks from you, it's a blushing and stuttering mess as it eventually manages to get out a thank you! Davi spends days savoring the yummy snacks and wondering what he could do for you. The next time he see's you he thanks you again and lets you know that they were really yummy. Because Davi doesn't cook or bake he'd probably just get you something store bought.

Valeria: Valeria also squeals when you gift her snacks she takes them graciously and hugs you(if you're comfortable with that ofc)! She eats a few and offers you some, telling you how delicious they are as you two walk back to your place. She saves the rest for later and goes to the gym, but when she comes back she's bought you snacks and stuffed animals, gifting them to you! Overall she seems fairly normal when receiving them but the interaction plays in her head for WEEKS!

Imani: HONESTLY IMANI HAD PROBABLY MADE SNACKS FOR YOU AS WELL!! It's a little gift exchange🥺 She giggles and invites you to a picnic so you two can eat your snacks there, she's so happy if you agree. She'll set everything up and you two can sit down and enjoy your snacks. She praises your skills and the amazing taste, she eats them all before even realizing, they were so yummy. (She makes a lot of desserts using fruits, she had made you strawberry cream puffs)

Fritz: He cherishes the gift and thanks you with head pats and praise. He saves them for lunch time at work or when he's working late doing paperwork. He bakes you something back, little cat cupcakes, although they're a little wonky looking, you can tell he's tried, especially since he's not known for being the best cook/baker. If you look at the bottom of the cupcake liners you can see a kiss mark, knowing Fritz he did it to show he poured all his love into the cupcakes.

Archie: This is assuming you've met him in the first place. Frankly he'd be REALLY surprised. He'd chuckle and take them, ruffling your hair while stating how cute it was for you to gift him some snacks. He asks if there's any meat and gets upset when there's not. He throws the snacks on the ground and steps on them, telling you to do better next time before walking away.

[z0mbiebitchb0y]

uhhh basically info/backstory on my urban spook oc moon👍

Moon was 100% an accident. She wasnt planned nor wanted When she was born moan and brute were kinda in the middle of killing someone, so basically moon was born in a bathtub 👍 and when she was born she tiny and blue she wasent breathing or moving so.. Mona and brute just kinda said "oh well" and when the brute was gonna throw her into the trash and went outside she kinda started moving and crying so they just said fuck it snd kept her.

She not really.. Loved but she not neglect they know she exist they just dont care enough to really make sure she had what a child needed. She was (semi) fed, only took baths when they thought she needed it, her clothes/toys and basically anything is from victims who had kids..

She loves her parents despite everything, to her they arent evil or monsters. Those are her mom and dad, but her actually relationship is.. Wonky She knows to be quiet and sometimes Mona will let moon watch her paint, and with the brute...moon tries to keep her distance..

Moon actually doesnt speak/ know a lot fo english Mona only really talks when needed and the brute only really barks so.. She knows very few words and barks. moon actually doesn't really have eyelids, when she was younger she was misbehaving and was just being a.. Kid so brute was basically like "shut up or ill cut off yoru eyelids" and she didnt be quiet so.. Yea no eyelids for her

Moon doesn't know her age, All she knows was that she was born during a full moon, She doesnt really understand how to read or write, sometimes if she good they let her go to the park (of course one of them in the distance watching) Moon Was actually born on june 4th, Her age is 7-12 but she has the mindset of someone who would be 2-3 years old, Her hair is short because Mona and brute dont wanna deal with doing/fixing her hair

Despite this she is actually REALLY skinny but.. Strangely strong, the last time she was at the park this one kid took something she was playing with so.. She basically slammed his head into the floor until she was stopped, Moon she punished a lot less then you would think, she already knows if her parents are upset Hide.

Thats all i really got lol

[regular-lord-reckoner]

lol so back in november i called my gyn's office to make an appointment because for one, i'm overdue for an exam anyway but for two, because i wanted to at least ask about possibly getting an ablation or just...something, right?

and they were really booked out, it was either i came in on my birthday or now in februrary so my dumb ass said let's do februrary

okay cool great awesome

i even did the math on my last period just to make sure it wasn't going to interfere with this appointment and based on my calculations it shouldn't have or else i would have called then to try to change it

well...my appointment is tomorrow

do you wanna guess, do you just wanna take a fucking guess, as to what decided to show up today a whole fucking week early?!?!

my period!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so i called to reschedule and naturally the next appointment won't be until almost june so that's.......good. that's great!! i love that!!

i've just spent the past half hour just sobbing in rage

i know it's a really stupid thing to cry over but i can't help it, i just feel so defeated right now

and mad at myself, because this should have been something i had figured out a long time ago, y'know? i shouldn't be turning 34 this year and be trying to get a handle on this, i should have at least spent my 20s cycling through every birth control pill on earth until i found one that doesn't negate my other medicine or gotten an iud or just...something

and now that it seems like my periods (which already weren't great, but aren't the worst i've ever heard of) are starting to get wonky it's like, "oh well, hope you can wait a few more months!!"

i'm also beyond worried now that it'll come may and it'll be the same fucking thing because at this point i apparently can't just track my days and be confident that i'm in the clear !!

my back was absolutely killing me last week and i can already tell this is going to be one of the bad mental health ones and i just want this shit to stop. just from the excessive bleeding alone i don't know why i've put up with this for as long as i have, but i'm over it

here again, though...it's my own fault. i made the decision at one point that i wasn't going to invest in myself and now here we are. now that i want to it's obviously not just going to happen all at once

i guess i'll just wait a few more months and hopefully by then it'll be okay

doesn't help that in general i've been feeling like, "welp, i've dug myself into a hole i'm never getting out of!" because it's really just hitting me how much of my own time i've wasted and how many more things i could have done for myself or at least better decisions i could have made but nothing i can really do about it now i guess

any of it

just gotta live with it and everything else!!

anyway hope if you're reading this that your day is going well and you get some good news today.

[sykosomatic]

Tee hee hee can you write adam surviving the bathroom but hes really messed up and shit. Also I would not mind some hurt/comfort

(heavily heavily inspired by this post, so thank you op!!!)

‘adam survives the bathroom and is fucked up’ au for all my angst fans out there <3

i was gently flirting with the idea of a part 2, let me know if that’s something you’d want lol

⚠️ content warning!!!!! depression, anxiety, ptsd symptoms ⚠️

and if you were curious, this is the song i was listening to while i was writing lol:

blinds shuttered in a quick whoosh, plastic clacking against itself as adam’s heavy eyes fought to stay open just a few minutes longer. the sun had set; it was dark out, the sky turning a dark, heavy purple. he stared at the blinds for a second, blinking slow and heavy. his little flip phone buzzed on his bed, another phone call missed. they’d leave another voicemail.

adam checked, double checked, triple checked his locks; his closet, his bathtub, under his bed. he sank slowly onto his bed, arms folded so his hands white-knuckled his biceps. he shivered a bit, but it wasn’t cold in his apartment.

“i wanna live! i wanna live!”

and he had. somehow he had clung to life long enough to get out of that damn bathroom, and what had it helped? what, did he think everything was just gonna go back to normal, now? now that he’d been through that?

adam couldn’t sleep. he hadn’t slept much since he’d gotten.. well, if you wanted to call it rescued. in truth he was on the fence about whether he should’ve died in that bathroom. the people who’d found him called it a miracle and adam had to say he agreed. cosmic injustice; a gift straight from god himself, whoever that was.

he sighed softly as he stood, rubbed his hands on his arms to keep himself from shivering. the doctor told him he had circulation issues now. because amanda — he’d learned that was her name after her and her weirdo ‘boss’ tried to recruit him.. after he ‘won’ — had strangled him with a plastic bag. she’d been sent to do a mercy killing maybe. and he’d survived. twice he’d survived that bathroom. why wasn’t he done yet?

adam had a collection of other maladies courtesy of john kramer — jigsaw.

his grip strength in his right arm was a little.. wonky. it felt like what people described carpal tunnel to be, tight muscles and a weak grip, pain when trying to hold something tightly. he’d been scrubbing a plate the other day and found out that he probably shouldn’t do that.

he didn’t think it was a huge problem but — he’d gotten odd looks from his friends when he spoke.

they said he was… different. and well.. duh, he was different. you don’t go through prisoner of war type torture and come out the other side shiny and clean.

he didn’t like the way they said it though. he hadn’t talked to them in a long time because of it. well that and the fact that he spent most of his time sitting in his bed and staring at the wall. thinking. he’d never spent that much time thinking before.

he went to the bathroom— his bathroom— catching his reflection in the mirror and seeing streaks of tears down his cheeks. he hadn’t realized he’d been crying. he’d been having days like that — most days were like that. he used the heels of his hands and rubbed stars into his eyelids, trying not to see lawrence’s foot out of the corner of his eyes.

lawrence; he hadn’t thought about that name in at least a day. a new record. the only other person who knew exactly what he’d gone through, and he hadn’t bothered to reach out. yet. maybe he was going through the same things (or at least similar things) as adam was. adam himself hadn’t spoken a word out loud in a very long time. not since the last time a friend had come to check on him. was that last week? he didn’t know, couldn’t remember. he sighed, started stripping down out of his clothes. cold showers and nightmares were the only things that kept him awake.

he couldn’t help but think about lawrence in the shower, while he washed himself with one arm as the other sort of hung there idly by his side. he wondered what sorts of things lawrence had to do now, now that he’d cut off his own foot.

on the surface adam looked unchanged, save for the gaunt look in his eyes and sunken cheeks, his already slender frame astonishingly leaner with stress. he maybe looked like a drug addict, he thought, but drugs were one thing he hadn’t sunk to yet. he figured he’d have to leave the apartment for that and he really didn’t want to. not just yet.

adam finished his sad little shower, drying off and stepping back into his apartment. it was cooler now, he thought, surely it wasn’t just him being unreasonably cold all the time.

he suddenly remembered he’d left his window open when he’d shut the blinds, and he could feel his heart about to explode as he rushed over to shut it. he could feel his vision start to blur and his head spin, the edges of his sight turning dark as he fought the urge to panic. he slammed the window shut; it creaked as he clicked the locks shut.

his chest heaved as he sat down on his bed, half-naked, grabbing the knife he kept under his pillow. he brandished it out into the dark as he stood and re-checked everything three more times. he didn’t find anything. how could he have forgotten to shut the window?

adam dropped the knife on his bed suddenly as if it was burning him; for a second it looked like a bloody hacksaw by the streetlight coming through the slats in his blinds.

he collapsed in shuddering sobs quite suddenly, bringing his knees up to his chest. his face pressed against his knees, he let himself cry for a bit. when his body couldn’t take it anymore, he looked up, caught his phone buzzing again.

missed calls from friends, a few texts from them as well. checking in half-heartedly. he could tell they were getting tired of him being.. the way he was. well he figured he wasn’t changing back anytime soon. not unless they could erase his memory for him or fix what that bathroom had broken in him.

and then he saw it — an unknown number messaging him. he picked up the phone and looked at it, his eyes savoring the shape of the letters, taking them in and digesting them, holding them close to him, letting him just live in them for a moment.

‘adam? it’s lawrence. do you have a moment to talk?’

adam felt his lips curve up into the closest thing they’d gotten to a smile in a long long time. if anyone was able to help talk him off the edge it had to be someone who went through the same thing as him. right?

[cheetahpaw-reg]

got overstimulated at school and had shutdown to meltdown

i could feel it happening since the morning cus i couldnt even shower bcos the sound of the water and the feeling of it hitting my skin made me panic, so did brushing my teeth and doing makeup

then i thought school might be okay, even tho its literally just thousands of people talking for 8hrs. i knew i was shutting down literally in 1st period, cus i was having trouble masking, then started to just stop being able tk talk properly and everything started to blend together and i was like "oh fuck" then i started shaking kinda and i rly wanted to jist sit w my headphones on and take a breathe

but i had an oral prez 2nd period and i fumbled bcos i was having trouble speaking, and that made me feel even worse but i was just waiting until i could close my eyes put on my noise-cancelling headphones and BREATHE.

so i went to eat w mt friends and then i realize

...

i forgot to bring my stupid fucking headphones, then i broke and started to cry bcos everything was too much and too loud and at the same time i was trying to not make a scene cus i was literally in front of 3 friends, and then one noticed and gave me a tissue, then i started SOBBING and doing what i normally do (pulling my hair and skin and clothes).

in front of most of my friends.

and my girlfriend.

in the school hallway.

it was rly rly embrassing because they all went quiet, which was actually really nice but i feel bad that they stopped talking because of me. and i know it mustve lookd weird, and i know they already think im weird and im sk sick of not just being Normal.

and i felt so shit that i just went home after and i feel bad bcos i didnt say goodbye to my gf properly

and my gf was rly sweet, like she held my arm and it didnt burn, it actually kind of grounded me, but i feel rly bad bcos i feel like i just cant be normal and am a constant burden to her, even tho she says she doesnt mind i feel like she should

and it made me feel a bit small, which ironically made my sensory issues worse, and ive just felt stuck in a semi regressed headspace for HOURS and i just cant get small but i dtill kinda feel wonky mentally and its all just UGH

anyways tldr; was vry neurodivergent @ school, very embrassing, i feel half small, and i dont wanna go to school tmrw

[illmoraineakoi]

*creeps in an adds an extra layer of crack treated seriously onto this*

Time Travel Body Swap AU where Alan is sent into his past self's body and vice versa; and they know it.

[Under a read more bc this got a bit long]

Noogai's just very very confused about it, but Alan is constantly loosing his mind thinking about what his past self might do to his sticks, while also struggling to rectify his past misdeeds towards Victim or TCO. TCO would fit better, it'd be harder to try to earn TCO's trust/alliance with him if he's already been a pop-up blocker for a year or more. TCO is NOT cooperating, at all, and instead tries to actively make Alan's life more difficult, bc this is pre-semi redeemed Chosen who is still an aggressive little spitfire gremlin for like no reason. Though, Alan has a bit more experience dealing with belligerent stick figures than Noogai, and a lot better skill at fighting them, so even when TCO immediately goes on an anger-fueled rampage the moment Alan releases him, it's not really as easy as TCO thought it would be... He absolutely ends up in a time-out box, where Alan is finally able to get him to communicate, though cooperation is still lacking.

[Alan is also struggling with 2006 technology bc homygosh he does not remember it being so terrible. He tries to do things that WindowsXP can't do or go to websites that don't even exist yet, and he forgets how half of these programs even function omg Chosen help please I'm begging you why is it all so laggy why does everything look so UGLY--]

And if we wanna add a little bit of angst, perhaps Noogai doesn't realize that the Color Gang sticks are alive because he just thinks the tech has gotten more advanced, causing them to seem more realistic. Potentially circumvented when the Gang proceeds to kick his cursor's ass in no time because wow his reaction time really sucks in comparison to Alan's lmao.

Potentially uncircumvented again if this actually angers Noogai enough to provoke him into trying to delete them, only to discover that he can't, the Gang's EXEs are protected from deletion by a custom program Alan has. Then its a game of "find the protective program to get rid of it" while the Gang have to deal with the first real hostile computer user they've ever encountered while trying to keep him away from the only layer of protection they really have.

[If you wanna get really angsty, stickfight.com ceasing to function due to flash's death could mean that them getting deleted now is a permanent* death.]

[* - May not actually be permanent bc Orange.]

Potential Idea I can't figure out how to fit anywhere but I'm including it bc I find it v juicy: Victim gets his hands on Noogai specifically. That confrontation would probably have more sparks fly than any confrontation between Alan and Victim ever would. Especially if Victim provoked a fight. Sub-idea: Victim is the one who finally gets Noogai to realize the sticks are alive. Mmmm, delicious.

Second potential idea I find juicy: Alan is forced to make TDL for a reason I can't think of rn, and he isn't happy about it, at all. Maybe in an attempt to assist or protect Chosen from some sort of attack? That doesn't really line up with the tension conflict plot between Alan and TCO earlier though...But I just love when certain events happen even with time travel intervention, it's just *chefs kiss*

Potentially funny idea: Orange peeks out of hiding for while when Noogai is experimenting with Alan's fancy tablet and professional animating software and sees how bad his art skills are. Orange wants so very badly to intervene and assist because he can just see all of the errors and wonkiness, but he can't, and it drives him crazy. Even funnier: He can't stand it, and actually goes out to fix it all, while the other four are sent on cursor wrangling duty. Noogai is very offended when Orange point-blank tells him his art is "terrible and so sloppy it makes me want to cry. I am FIXING IT!" bc who tf is this little stick figure to say his art sucks?! Its a silly little desktop pet program! The audacity. It's a big sting to his pride when Orange is done and it is actually legitimately better lmao. It prompts another fight and flight, but Orange considers it worth it.

yo... i need a plug for things where alan and noogai are separate people but like still the same person.... even better if alan is haunted by noogai...... pls

[beblade-a]

just a little heads up that i may not be very active ooc in the next few days!! i'll be trying to get down my drafts and inbox to a manageable number and working on my june reading list, as i didn't reach my goal last month due to general clownery. 🤡 if u see me shitposting on the dash please beat me with a stick until i scurry back into my drafts.

[thebuttsmcgee]

bleh. today day. I guess as an upside tho I did shave so that's something I think.

[newestwhiteboyobsession]

Two Shots of Vodka - Takami Keigo / Hawks x (f) Reader

In honor of me crying over the first episode of season 6, here's some Hawks fluff! Written in second person, which I don't usually write in so it may be a bit wonky. Yes the title is a reference to that one vine. Enjoy!

Warning(s)- mentions of alcohol, slight angst I guess

When you got a knock at your door at 1 in the morning, the last person you expected to see was your ex-boyfriend.

You and Keigo had been broken up for almost two weeks now, after being together for three years. Things were going great in the beginning, but as time went on, and Keigo spent more and more time away for work, tensions rose, and you ended up breaking up.

You looked at the man leaning against the frame of your doorway, reeking of alcohol. He moved to stand up straight but wobbled and fell back against the doorway.

You sighed, “Keigo, you're going to hurt yourself.” You moved to help him but he waved you back.

“Oh, so NOW I’m Keigo to you??” He demanded, a mixture of anger and hurt in his golden eyes. You tilted your head in confusion, “What the hell are you talking about?”

He leaned his forehead against the doorframe and closed his eyes, “Y-you told me I wasn't Hawks to you. You told me- you told me I was Keigo to you.”

You hesitated, hearing the pain in his voice. You moved forward and wrapped his arm around your shoulders, leaning his weight onto you. “C’mon, Kei. Let's get you to bed, we can talk about it in the morning.” You said gently, leading him to the bedroom.

He squirmed in your hold, “I wanna… talk now.” He said tiredly, “I miss you.” You let him fall onto the bed, and he instantly curled up, shielding himself with his wings. You began to walk away until you felt a hand wrap around your wrist. “Don’t go.” He whined quietly, eyes shining with unshed tears.

Your eyes softened as you sat down next to him. He placed his head in your lap as you threaded your fingers through his unruly blonde hair. “I’m gonna go get you some water, ok? I’ll be right back. Promise.” You said, gently lifting his head and putting his head on the pillow as he closed his eyes and nodded. When you returned to the room with pain pills and a glass of water, he was snoring softly. You smiled sadly and put the items down on the nightstand. You brushed his bangs out of his eyes; his wings ruffled at the pleasant sensation.

“I’m sorry, Kei. For everything.” You kissed his forehead, “Sleep well. I love you.”

You gently placed a blanket over his and left the room to sleep on the couch.

_________              _________           ________

Keigo woke up with a pounding headache. He groaned at the light streaming into the room, and pulled the blanket over his head. His eyes shot open at the familliar smell, and he sat up as he painfully remembered the events of last night.

He noticed the glass of water and bottle of pills on the nightstand and gratefully took them. He rubbed his eyes and got up, stretching out his wings and slightly stumbling out of the bedroom and into the living room.

“Theres tea if you want some.” You said from the couch, gesturing towards the kitchen, not bothering to turn around to face him.

Keigo hesitated slightly, before walking over to where you sat.

You watched as he sat down on the couch slowly, sharp eyes looking anywhere but at you.

It was strange, to see the normally confident number two pro hero so meek and hesitant.

He tapped his knee, and took a deep breath, “I’m sorry.” He started, still not looking at you, “About last night. About the breakup. About being an idiot workaholic who never prioritized you. You were the best thing in my life. And I fucked it up.” “Kei, look at me.” You said softly, making him turn his head to finally look at you, “It’s ok.”

He shook his head, “It’s not ok.”

“Really, it’s-” You were cut off by the feeling of his lips on yours.

He pulled back, nuzzling his nose next to yours, “I still love you so fucking much. I thought I’d be ok.” He whispered, “I tried not to care. But I can’t get you out of my head.”

You rested your forehead against his, putting your hand up to cup his cheek, “You didn't do anything wrong.” You said firmly, “You’re a hard worker, and you care about protecting people. That’s one of the things I love about you.” His eyes shined with hope, “Love? As in present tense? You- you still love me?”

You chuckled, “‘Course. I told you I’d never love anyone the way I loved you. I was serious.”

He wrapped his arms around you and buried his head in the crook of your neck, as you wrapped your arms around him and kissed the top of his head. He snuggled into you, trying to get as close as possible, “Can we go back to the way things were? When we loved each other and it was just us against the world?” He asked, making you nod. “Yeah, baby, I would really like that.” You twirled his hair around your fingers, “How’s your head feel?”

He groaned, wrapping his wings around you both to shield his eyes from the light. You laughed, “I’ll go get you some water.” You moved to get up but he tightened his grip. “Just stay with me for now, please.” He said quietly.

You ran your fingertips down his strong arm, appreciating the muscles he worked so hard for, “How about we go lay down until you feel better?” You offered, making him nod.

He laid down on the bed as you shut the curtains and laid next to him. He draped his wing gently over you and wrapped an arm around your middle pulling you close. You rested your head on his chest, right over his heart; it was just as you remembered, steady and strong.

You breathed in the smell of his cologne and felt your body relax at the familiar smell.

He smiled down at you and kissed your forehead, rubbing circles on your back absentmindedly, “I love you.” He hummed.

You looked up at him and rubbed your thumb over the stubble on his jaw, pressing a kiss to his lips, “I love you too, Kei.”

[cheshirekitty]

Balladeer angst?!

authors note: I’ve never actually wrote a good angst so my apologies if this sounds a bit WONKY… not proof read :\ this is gender neutral!!!

sum: modern day au of Scaramouche breaking out into an angry fit at the reader (his lover!!)

warnings: inflicting harm? And cursing. I think that’s it!!

You walked into Scara’s office. As the strong smell of rich mens cologne washes over your face, you looked for the man. He was searching for a book from his bookshelf… you smiled, you’ve missed him so much! You guys barely had time to spend with each other after you got a new job. “Hey, Scara!!” you tried to tackle him from behind, but received no reaction. It wasn’t new, he almost never reacts. He grabs the book he needed and walked back to his chair. You held onto his sleeve as and followed him like a lost puppy. “Scaraaa—“ you whined. You start to circle around his desk to annoy him, but stopped after just awhile. ‘He didn’t even give me a glance, jeez’. You were starting to get a bit upset just because he was paying you no attention even when the two of you are dating, even when you gave him everything you could. ‘I’m supposed to be used to this by now…so why does it make me feel worse and worse every time?’ you asked yourself. “ughhhhhhhh..” a groan escaped your lips as you sat on the side of his desk. ‘I don’t want to be annoying but that’s the only way to get his attention at this rate.’ You let out a huff, and finally he sends you a look. “what” he stated rather than asking. “Do you wanna go out and eat??? OH or maybe watch a movie?” You asked as you started poking at him. “Can’t” “I’m busy” he said as he proceeded to type on his computer. “Pleaseeee? You canceled on our past four dates scara.” You say hopping off his table. His typing stops. “And? I have a job, y/n. and you’ve got one too. How about you worry about that?” he glared. ‘Ouch.’ Was all you could think. You’ve asked him so many times to hang out with you but he’ll always cancel or reject you. “Can’t today” “I had to go to work on late notice” “Don’t feel like it” was all he ever used as an excuse. He never even tried to explain himself anymore, or even tried to let you know before you got all ready for him. You smiled and reached your hand out to tackle him again “Cmonnnn! Scara plea-“

a harsh sting spread all over your arm. It felt like thousands of needles dug into you. And for the first time, fear was the only thing that you felt when looking at him. It felt as though you couldn’t register anything anymore. Looking down, you saw that your arm had turned purple almost immediately. Eyes, watery from the stinging. Your wrist was almost completely numb. He turns around to you right away, his eyes filled with regret and shock. “Oh my god— y/n I’m so sorry— I didn’t mean to, I swear I’m sorry” he stood up quickly to comfort you, but you just couldn’t look at him the same anymore. You couldn’t control the waterfall coming out of your eyes or your shaking. You backed away as he stepped closer. Realizing his own lover had stepped away from his comfort, he freezes. What did he do this time? How could he even treat you like that? Why? He didn’t want to believe the ways he’s been hurting you. “Y/n I’m so sorry, please don’t cry…I’m so—“ he said reaching his hand out, but it was too late. You’d already started running out of the office. “Shit shit shit shit” he said looking down as his palm. He’d lost you didn’t he? You’re the only thing he’s had his entire life.

When he was mad? You calmed him. When he was sad? You comforted him. “When he was lonely? You kept him company. When he wanted something? You gave it. He was sick? YOU cared for him. It was all you. In his ruin filled world, everything always revolved around you. And even if he didn’t show it, he loved you more than anything the world could give.

‘shit.’ he was running after you but couldn’t find you anywhere he looked. Not in the bedroom you two shared, not in the kitchen, nor the lounge room. shit. he sweared on and on. He ran to the bathroom door. “Y/n? Y/n please. I’m sorry. Can you let me in?” He said with his entire heart. He’d do anything for you to not be scared of him. To not see him like everybody else did. To forgive him again. For the last time. He just wanted you. The door opened slowly as he rushed to embrace you. His face in your neck, and his arms around your shoulders. “Y/n….fuck. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” he kept on rambling I’m sorries. You pushed him back to the front of your face. Your eyes swollen and red. “It’s….fin…fine” you whispered. even if your voice was shaky, you still spoke. And to be honest, you couldn’t see the Scaramouche that you knew anymore. You placed your hand on his face to wipe away his tears. His eyes widened in disbelief, your arm completely bruised blue and purple. He pulled you into his arms and into his chest. “‘m so sorry…it’s not fine. fuck.” He said with his hand caressing your head. Hiccups left your mouth as you cried.

“S…scara?” you hiccuped. “Yes, y/n?..” the boy answered right away, in the softest tone he’d ever used. His face full of worry. “I—“ “I need a break from us.”

[swearingcactus]

Little Details I Found in Far Cry 3-4

... that I found while I was rewatching stuff for fic accuracy. Jason and Ajay differences + similarities included!

whenever Citra touches Jason, she always touches his left arm first, presumably because that's where the tatau is. Which is a kinda neat detail, considering she only sees him as a warrior she could use.

This is not really something new but I just wanna say it again: when Jason woke up after he killed Vaas, the first thing he heard is Vaas saying 'we're so fucked, Jason'. not 'you're' like in the monologue.

This is also not new, but it's not mentioned anywhere in the wiki-- Jason canonically only has his left arm tatted up. His right arm being tattooed is just via the DLC/tattoo editor thing Ubisoft added and from old character arts.

Also, his tatau is canonically incomplete if you pick the 'save your friends' ending, because he was supposed to get it properly finished if he chose the path of the warrior. I'm guessing from the gameplay, it's like the last ring on his wrist.

when Ajay met up with Willis for the second time, he opened the helicopter door and started yelling about the files that were useless. Willis then scolded him saying he was un-American for not knocking. Ajay apparently listened, because the next time he meets up with Willis he knocks first.

During Durgesh, whenever Ajay sees a rakshasa the camera pulses and get all wonky which I assume is because a.) they're actually royal guards hence why they try and chase him down to put him back in his cell and they're giving him more drugs and/or b.) he's scared shitless of them

Both Jason and Ajay had supernatural experiences, and yea sure there's the magic compass and Shangri La/Kalinag thing, but also: Jason talked with a ghost of an airplane crash and Ajay can hear Yalung

Both Jason and Ajay got drugged via mysterious powder blown into their face

Both Jason and Ajay had visions of the future while they're drugged

It might be recycled animation but I will die on the hill to believe that Ubisoft made it that way so I can say: Both Jason and Ajay sleep with their hands to the side like princesses when they pass out

Albeit being the quieter of the two, Ajay actually is more vocal during surprise animal attacks. Jason does an 'augh' noise once in a while in contrast to Ajay straight up yelling 'FUCK!' / 'SHIT!!!'

Also we as a fandom always say that Ajay does whatever he's told and is esentially a doormat but the real doormat is Jason. Let's use Willis for an example: Jason does everything Willis tells him to with no objection + no questions and even thanks him for the free flamethrower. Ajay on the other hand asks questions for every single thing Willis tells him to do. (who are you, why should I help you, why do you need pictures of the body, why am I doing this-- it goes on).

This also applies to other missions- Jason never questions/challenges Citra/Dennis during the game (well, until the end). But during the first choice, regardless of who you choose, Ajay will say "you guys put me in a difficult position." In king's bridge if you chose Sabal's route Ajay'll try to argue the sudden change of plan with a "but Amita said--" and vice versa if you pick Amita's route in Jalendu, he'll actually try to ask about Sabal as well. You get my point.

Jason is more violent with stabbing syringes (not healing ones). Sometimes when he pulls it out there'd be blood squirting out of him.

Jason wears a belt. Ajay doesn't. (though to be fair he might be and it's just obscured. The reason Jason's belt is super obvious is because he's not wearing a jacket and the tail of his belt kinda hangs off)

Character model wise, it's kinda funny that during gameplay you can tell Jason gets dirtier via his fingernails while you can't see that from Ajay's gloves-- but in their actual 3d models, Jason is squeaky clean while Ajay looks like he just rolled around in dirt'

pls add more if you'd like im always a slut for little details and over-analyzing things

[ayowuzap]

Yes i was rereading and reached at around 756 now while making the chapters for part two pile up since last last month fuck everything

Bg: Cale suddenly got transported to the sealed god's "tests" in the temple because of something idk and that was somehow the god of death's fault so now he"s trying to fix shit up. This particular scenario that i thought of around 1 - 2am that hasn't stop haunting me was the Wrtah Test. (I finished the scrap thingamajig at around 2:30 just in case ya'll wanna know don't judge me please)

Ps. I tried to stay loyal to the novel's/author's way of writing so i appologize in advance if its wonky don't also @ me with the grammer since like i said its fuckibg 2am help me

"Jack, Mary and Bud Illis."

Their eyes widened as Cale mentioned their names that they couldn't utter out loud  before.

It was understandable. They were gone after all.

"Those three are doing well."

However what the Cale whom they didn't know very well and had complete balance because he had the wood ancient power said the complete opposite.

"What..."

Hannah mumbled out subconsciously, completely flabbergasted as she heard her dead brother's name and being mentioned as if he was alive.

No, as if he didn't become a sacrifice in the first place.

"You- You aren't lying are you?"

"No. I have no reason to lie about something like this."

Hannah could not help but be doubful. However, Cale understood her feelings.

"That's great."

Tasha commented in a sorrowful yet joyful voice.

"That's really, really great."

Tasha smiled sadly as she gently closed her eyes shut as if satisfied.

"Mm."

Glenn Poeff whom Cale had known as one of the people who was a survivor of Poeff Household and the Assasins Housholds, and most importantly as Bud's ally and companion, hummed and clenched his fists.

Cale looked at them tiredly and looked at the ceiling while still holding the paper Cage gave him earlier and while still stepping on the God of Death's divine book.

Cale then spoke.

"Mourn."

They flinched as their eyes shook violently at the unexpected yet expected response.

"Remember, let go then mourn."

Cale said his thoughts out loud.

He could not help it.

He had lost many people in the past as Kim Rok Soo and had become quite familiar with the feeling of sadness and mourned, albeit very late.

"If you still can't accept it yet. Mourn some more. If you can't anymore or don't want to, that's fine too. No one will rush you nor judge you."

"They'll understand too."

Tasha's face had become blank as Hannah's expression broke and Glenn brought his clenched fists towards his mouth, shutting his eyes to orevent himself from tearing up.

"And well, I..."

Cale theb turned his toward them with a sorrowful, understanding expression yet with a bright, satisfied smile.

"I may or may not have learnt this the hard way."

He smiled even more as he remembered his conversations with the other Lee Soo Hyuk and Choi Jung Soo that he met in the other "test" and his conversation with the team leader he knew when he was going to give him his Embrace ability.

However, the others saw this both correctly and incorrectly.

He looked as if he had gone a lot through- (leaving this blank for now)

--- (leaving this blank for now)

"Mary..."

"Oppa...!"

"Ugh."

Hannah wailed, holding onto the robe she's wearing that is originally her brother's robe that he had always wore before he died, as Tasha fell down to her knees and sobbed and cradled her face while Glenn clenched his eyes shut even more as he bit his lip until it bled and...

They mourned.

Imma edit this later but for now imma cry myself to sleep gunayt-

[lumiereandcogsworth]

Top 10 Call the Midwife episodes GO

OKAY DUDE YOU GOT IT

so the episodes are a little wonky on netflix because the christmas specials are just wedged in at the beginning or ends of seasons, (or both for season 5), so it’s not consistent in citing. i’m going to use the actual episode titles (episode 1, episode 2, etc) and not the netflix coordinates.

also i ended up having 12 faves, and bonus christmas specials. and if you factor in that two christmas specials are two-parters, we actually have like. 16 episodes here. but hey, we did it gang. also these aren’t listed in order of most to least favorite, because i have no idea which is most. this is just chronologically ordered. anyway enjoy.

1. season 1, episode 1

it’s just a really solid pilot. it’s intense and absolutely throws you in the deep end, which i appreciate. it introduces each character really nicely, from jenny’s walk through the east end, to sister evangelina and sister monica joan bickering about the missing cake from the cake tin, to fred asking the girls about his new scheme enterprises. they even introduce dr. turner as a very plucky and young (younger, anyway) doctor that doesn’t have much status yet, so you even get to watch him mature into the senior physician - STAPLE in the community - he becomes. i also just like season one as a whole, no specific other episodes but these early season are just nice. so jot that down.

2. season 2, episode 4

i just like this episode probably because the kids are the same age differences as my oc kiddos so it’s just. nice for me personally <3 but also it’s a sweet ep !!!! the baby boy is born with spina bifida which i don’t know ALL the details but it’s a problem when his spine that renders his legs useless. but his mother struggles to accept his disability and it causes a rift in the family and jenny tries to keep them together. and eventually the mother does come around when she realizes she doesn’t wanna lose her son (meaning, they briefly consider sending him to a Home for “invalids.”) but she just can’t do it!! at the end she picks up her baby and she’s like “he’s MY baby boy >_>” and holds him so close and it’s very sweet. the daughters aren’t in it much because obviously it’s centered around the mom and baby but 🤌 love it

3. season 2, episode 8

gosh, an emotional episode!! chummy has a difficult birth that puts her in the hospital and there’s this long scene of everyone at nonnotus house just. Waiting. they’re knitting this blanket to pass the time and you can feel the stress. but also patrick and shelagh have their MOMENT!!!! on the road!!!!! sjdksjdksj!!!!!!!! AND shelagh then officially renounces her vows to the order and when she hugs sister julienne i always cry a little. everything is okay with chummy, too, but it’s just. SUCH an episode.

4. season 3, episode 8

also quite an episode. the finales honestly hit 🤌 (opposite of friends where i literally don’t care about any of the finales haha) chummy’s mother is dying and jenny’s back from the mother house but she has her last patient that isn’t even successful but then she happens to meet her future husband BUT THEN ALSO PATRICK AND SHELAGH ADOPT LITTLE ANGELA🥺🥺🥺 a very solid rollercoaster as well.

5. season 4, episode 2

it’s like barbara’s first delivery and it’s so AH. the couple is very very cute and they love dancing and call the baby she’s pregnant with their lil dancer (which is VERY adellecore) and it’s nice but then it’s AAAAHH because they didn’t realize they were having twins (remember when sonograms didn’t exist so you just. would maybe have twins. classic. but also even in this show (mid-50s to mid-60s) they can diagnose twins later into the pregnancy if they hear two heartbeats with the pinard. but that just doesn’t always happen. but i digress.) so the first baby was a girl born stillborn and so barbara’s very shaken by it. and this couple thinks they’ve lost their baby. but then the next baby comes and it’s a boy and it’s so bittersweet because they were only expecting one baby and there they got one but they KNOW they lost the other :( also it’s phyllis’s first episode and she’s funny in the beginning because she didn’t expect to stay and she’s very Ship-Shape Upright Tidy about everything but in ONE episode everyone melts her heart a little and she decides to stay. and at the end barbara is like :D so you’re staying?? and phyllis is like >:( we’ll see. *stays forever, has not left the show yet* sjdks love her.

6. season 5, episode 5

okay honestly all of season 5 is just really solid. like i was looking through the episodes and i liked pretty much all of them. so i’m picking 5x05 just because the story is interesting - a woman who was a prostitute and is now married to a much older man (who is very rich) and they’re expecting a child but she just doesn’t feel like she’s worthy of this “perfect” life with wealth and a husband and baby. and her finding her own worth and learning to love her lil baby is sweet!!

7. season 5, christmas special 2016 pt. 1 & 2

it’s the christmas special where they go to south africa! it’s the first time (of the two times, lmao) that they’re not in poplar so it’s just a fun change of pace. all the little stories are interesting and some pretty intense. it’s a compelling and wholesome time. and tom and barbara get engaged!! precious. we love them.

8. season 6, episode 2

first episode we meet my beloved valerie!!!!!!!!! automatically perfect!!!!!!! it’s not her first episode as a midwife, which i ironically don’t like (not because of her of course, but the story is just. stupid imo. it’s that one i ranted to you about haha, anyway) but it’s her first appearance! and the story is honestly quite good. on the same day a couple’s son is born, the father is at work and there’s a factory explosion. he survives but he’s blinded. and he struggles with his blindness and he doesn’t want to meet his son because he can’t see him and he hardly even wants to talk to his wife. and it’s just very heartbreaking. and she says a line that i probably love because of my beauty and the beast brain, but when he’s fighting her, she says “don’t you know me? i love the bones of you, george.” I LOVE THE BONES OF YOU??? it’s one of the few lines i think about often. what a line. i love the bones of you. anyway valerie helps with the explosion because she was working in the pub down the street but was a nurse in the army. great ep <3

9. season 6, episode 6

this one is so good. it’s like valerie’s first, if not one of her first, deliveries. but it’s complicated because the mother is somali and a certain cultural practice makes the delivery complicated. i dont need to go into details but it’s just interesting. and valerie learns some humility because after all this, she keeps calling her mrs. farrah, and eventually she explains that in her culture they don’t take their husband’s last name. and she carries on to tell valerie off, about her name, her culture’s practice, and it’s just like an intense learning moment for val. and on top of all of this, england is under the impression that nuclear war is about to break out (i really don’t know my 1960s history that well but i’m assuming it’s cold war related) so they all sort of think this is their last day on earth because they’ll get bombed. there’s just a compilation of them huddling together with their loved ones. the nuns praying together, barbara and tom snuggled in a bench, fred and violet slow dancing in their living room 🥺, phyllis just ironing her uniform like it was any other day… just very.. like damn. what would you do if you knew that was your last night on earth. anyway all around really cool episode.

10. season 7, episode 5

this episode. there is something with it. something’s up!!!! okay i’ll explain. when i first started call the midwife in 2020, i was just watching it every friday night. it was like my lil end of school week treat. and when that school year was done in 2021, i just stopped watching. idk, got bored. and it was halfway through THIS episode that i had left off. idk why i never finished the episode, but that’s where i was left. and since then, i have watched this show a hundred more times. but i swear something always happens during this episode. i have gotten sleepy and been like “mm maybe i should pause and go to bed…” and i look and it’s THIS EPISODE. also when my parents visited, my mom wanted to see this show i’m always talking about, and I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS EPISODE. like ?????? what is it man. i don’t know. it is not even that special. it’s GOOD it’s NICE but like. HELLO? anyway i have to list it or the cosmic call the midwife gods might smite me. it is a good episode though, a great lucille episode! (also lucille is here now!! love her too)

11. season 7, episode 6

okay this is actually a cool episode. it’s very tragic and like ?? it’s very sad. BUT it’s cool. this family comes from ireland and they have two kiddos and the mom is pregnant. just after moving in, like literally THAT DAY, the husband gets in a car accident and dies. LIKE ITS SO SAD. and they were gonna run a little corner shop and live in the apartment above it and it’s just like. now this gal, who has two kiddos and another on the way, they’re not even FROM here, has to just. figure shit out. and fred, who is a widower himself, tries to reach out but she just wants to do everything herself. anyway there’s also a really cute scene of barbara and phyllis walking home arm in arm from seeing a movie or a play together. it’s literally SO cute they’re best friends. but then they walk down the street that that woman’s shop is on and there’s a FIRE !!!!!!!!!! so phyllis and barbara are a couple of heroes and go into the burning building and save the family. the place of course is destroyed but the community bands together (led by fred) to help rebuild the shop. meanwhile the woman gives birth and PLOT TWIST has twins!!!! AAAHH. good episode. and don’t even worry about barbara getting sick at the end of it and dying in the next episode what i can’t hear you hahahahaha anyway

12. season 9, episode 5

aaahhh i love this one actually! one of the plots is about this fussy, worrisome expectant father and finding out that he lost his own father when he was five and was raised by a terribly abusive step-father. thus explaining why he’s so worried about getting things right for his own newborn son. (oh the adam of it all😭). the other plot involves the fact that the sound of music JUST came out. and everyone is like !!!! excited about it. which is valid because that film slaps. but anyway, sister monica joan (our beloved eccentric well-over eighty-year-old) is trying to win this raffle of two free tickets to the movie. eventually, however, patrick & shelagh’s daughters win the tickets and their older brother is like “oh PERFECT” and they give the tickets to their parents so they can have a date night :”) and it’s funny because after they see the movie they’re like “wow super relatable” because shelagh was also a nun who gave it up for love sjdkj. beloveds. AND also another interesting plot here is: sister julienne faces hate for being a nun and like, not really knowing what poverty & supporting a family is like. so she does something very wild and disrobes and takes off her habit and dresses in normal clothes and goes out in public. just to experience not being a nun for an hour. (and, she’s been a nun for probably thirty years.) so it’s like WHOA. and she also sneaks in to see the sound of music haha. anyway just lots of intrigue and cool vibes!!

BONUS: the 2019 AND 2020 christmas specials!! (at end of season 9)

in the two-part 2019 christmas special they go to scotland, the outer hebrides, and it’s very cool because 1. change of location and 2. cool stories!! it’s like the south africa episodes, it’s just fun and intriguing and cool that they’re somewhere new.

and the 2020 christmas special is fun because the circus comes into town and phyillis lives out a dream of hers (another little moment i always smile wide at) and a woman who struggled for years to hold onto a pregnancy (that you meet a few seasons before when shelagh is struggling with her own pregnancy) has finally carried a baby to term and shelagh helps with the delivery and it’s just really emotional and beautiful. also there’s a part on the circus side of the ep when a fire breaks out and reggie (fred’s nephew who he kind of ‘adopts’ when his mother dies. he’s like 20 something but has down’s syndrome so it’s just better for him to live with fred and violet) anyway reggie went with two of the circus kids to look at the donkeys when the fire breaks so fred is panicking looking for reggie and the mom of the two boys is also panicking looking for her sons and it’s so intense and the emotion builds and it always makes me choke up a little cuz i just. i feel how worried fred is oh my gosh!!!! anyway at the last moment you see reggie holding either boy by the hand and walking out of the firey area together. all well and safe. but gosh the way this show gets me tearing up at the same parts every time. impeccable.

anyway that’s all i have. what a show! i haven’t seen seasons 10 and 11 enough times to have gotten attached to any episode yet, but they’re good too !!

[kart0]

meds update plus rant: day 20

almost 3 weeks guys ! I'm doing it !! I need to schedule an appointment cuz I only have 10 pills left oof

hmm...folks, not gonna lie... these few days have been tough.. I started becoming more and more frustrated cuz I felt like they weren't working ( days 16-18 ) and my mom also asked me a few days ago "so... Dani... have you been feeling better ?" in which I replied "nope" and she asked "do you feel any different at all ?" and also again "nope"

btw it's not PMS lmao I swear

and then I got even more upset that, maybe I might just be undiagnosed with adhd ? cuz I'm still struggling with doing tasks, procrastinating, forgetting stuff, getting overwhelmed easily, getting angry easily. I had to change my bed sheets and I really started crying. I am so tired.. and it's hard to change the sheets cuz of my mattress and the shape of my bed and also I have to fold and put the comforter a certain way and its not exactly a simple and fast task and it can mess up the sheets and make everything look and feel wonky and... like fr I am not exaggerating... and then also I just. started going on a spiral yet again :(

I feel so insecure and I just wanna cry all the time. because I'm so tired. I keep forgetting or procrastinating to fix my sleep schedule. it's 2am rn...

I feel horrible with my appearance, I hate my face and my body, I hate everything about how I look. and I feel very ugly all the time, I'm too self conscious and too self aware of my surroundings and I can't never relax... don't slouch, don't show your teeth when speaking or smiling, don't move your head too much, don't touch your hair, don't stand this way it makes you look weird. I'm exhausted, why can't I just accept how I look...

I feel dumb, and untalented. I feel lazy, and stupid, because I keep seeing people around me succeed and I can never do that. yes I am fucking envious of people. no I do not wish them bad things but all I can think about is.. that could've been me if I had tried harder. if I had tried enough. if I forced myself to do it.

and it's taking such a toll on me rn I feel stupid and dumb and lime a failure.

I'm frustrated cuz I can't improve my artstyle either, nor my poses or composition. my art is so repetitive and unoriginal, and uncreative. predictable. forgettable.

boring.

n also, no one fucking interacts with me on twitter and I don't blame them cuz I never post art, not interact with them, and all I ever do is cry and vent like a fucking loser. who wants to read this shit anyways. but what makes it worse is that I'm currently at my peak, I have never had this much followers ever. and I know it doesn't mean worth but I can't seem to change this mindset

which makes me feel like such an imposter... how can I have this many followers when I don't post shit. when my art is shit. when I am a shit person. why are they following me, I don't deserve anything. and now it's even more pressure I want them to be happy I want them to not see how much of a loser I really am.

and I just. I don't know. I could do such great things. I know I have the talent. I know I am smart. but why can't I just be better, use my time more wisely, and improve myself. I am such a waste. that's how I feel most of the time, I'm wasting myself, wasting my time, my parents money. I'm so tired of being stupid and not doing what I have to do just cuz I don't want to do it.

it's a bad bad bad day and week. I guess this is the confirmation that the meds aren't working, or haven't started working yet. I just want to die