#everything is so broken and whenever something else in this world happens it's reflected at home

[yandere-daze]

Thank you everyone for the big support on the RE2 Leon post! I was honestly blown away by all the nice comments I got 🥺💕

And now I'm back for more ^^

Hope you enjoy!

gn reader

tw yandere, obsession, over-protectiveness, possessiveness, heavily implied murder, implied stalking, kidnapping, jealousy

General Yandere! RE4 Leon headcanons

Above all else, Yandere! RE4 Leon is very protective of you, the dearest person in his life. To a very unhealthy degree.

He has always been protective but a lot has changed since his first day as a rookie. Leon has seen a lot, he knows how truly horrifying and cruel the world can be. He knows what dangers lurk in the shadows, just waiting for an opportunity to strike and snatch away his beloved.

He doesn't want you to go through what he has. He wants you to be safe at all costs. He simply can't risk losing you, you're everything to him. You're what keeps him grounded, the one beacon of light in the darkness that threatens to consume him every day.

His many missions have broken him, Leon is not the same person he used to be and that too reflects in subtle changes in his yandere behaviour.

He remains very protective, insanely so, but it´s not quite in the same way as RE2 Leon was. He has become pretty jaded and that also translates to him being more merciless when it comes to shooting down anyone that could be perceived as a threat.

There´s no more slight hesitation before going through with killing someone and pulling the trigger, no deliberation, he won´t leave even a sliver of a chance of something hurting you and that extends to zombies, cultists, or rude strangers alike.

He still likes showing off in front of you, proving to you how capable and reliable he is, but he would rather avoid having you witness him getting rid of the latter ones.

He´s sure you won´t object to him getting rid of horrifying eldritch horrors but he fears your naivete won´t allow you to see the other dangers lurking right around the corner. People everywhere that are secretly out to hurt you. People that have bad intentions. People that try to get between the two of you.

He certainly won´t forgive that friend of yours that told you how "scary" Leon´s glare was whenever he looked at someone that wasn´t you. And isn´t it weird that he´s somehow always there whenever you´re in trouble? And they could have sworn they saw him standing outside your window back when you had your sleepover at your house...

Of course Leon couldn´t let this continue any longer. What if you started listening to them and tried to keep your distance? Leon couldn´t bear that. How is he supposed to make sure you´re safe if you won´t let him?

He knows he needs to do something about this so-called friend of yours. Maybe at first he will start "small" and simply start incriminating them for crimes they didn´t commit. It´s truly scary how little you know about your friends, right? Who would have thought that they would turn out to be a criminal?

Leon hopes that will be enough to make them stay away but if they´re particularly persistent... Well, he knows just how to deal with obstacles that are in his way. His position as a special agent gives him plenty of opportunities to make that person simply disappear from all records after mysteriously vanishing.

But don´t worry, Leon will be right by your side, holding you tight and mourning the loss of your friend right with you. It´s really so terrible what happened to them but at least you have him! And he won´t ever leave you.

Now of course, if you yourself were acting difficult, continuously getting yourself into danger, ignoring all of his advice ( don´t leave your house without him. always keep him updated on what you´re currently doing. never go on a date with a stranger..) or avoiding him in any way, Leon would feel forced to take some drastic measures to ensure that you´ll always remain safe and his alone.

While RE2 Leon would not have gone so far as to kidnap you, RE4 Leon absolutely would. It would not be his first choice but in this case, he feels like there is no other way. He would rather keep you locked up for the rest of your life than lose you. He just cannot bear ever having to live without you, now that he has found you.

You´re the only good thing in his life and he´ll be damned if he´ll let anything happen to you.

Of course he understands why you´re mad at him afterwards and it breaks his heart to see you upset with him, but he´ll suffer through it all in the hopes that you´ll one day understand why he had to do what he did.

He´s sure you will come around to him one day and then you´ll finally live the happy life he you both always wanted. In the meantime, he´ll treat you with gentle care ( well, as gentle as Leon can be. His displays of affection are still pretty awkward and stilted even though he tries very hard) and makes sure all your needs are met.

He´ll also let you get away with many things like screaming at him, ignoring him or backing away from his touch, as long as you don´t try to escape him. You may hate him at the moment, but at least nothing can get in here and hurt you while he´s constantly monitoring you.

Leon hopes that one day you´ll be able to move on from this and become a normal couple, but he doesn´t really mind having you all to himself with no prying eyes right now. He´s very possessive too and he´d just hate having to get rid of another stranger that looked at you a second too long for his tastes.

[theres-a-body-here]

his! if possible, i’ll request cole cassidy x reader who’s apart of Talon? thank you so muchhh! and no pressure, if you can’t complete it that’s alright!

You never specified the tone of the fic  😈 😈 😈

Cole Cassidy x Male!reader

Cole took a deep breath as he clutched his broken robotic arm, trying desperately to ignore the searing pain coursing through the attachment nerves.

His breathing became labored as sweat dripped down his forehead, mixing with the dust kicked up from the explosion that went off in the building. His communication device was broken as well. He couldn't call for the others.

Cole grunts as he attempts to stand, but is stopped as pain shoots through his leg. The pain felt like a thousand needles piercing his flesh, making it hard for him to think straight. He tried to get up again, but his wounded leg gave way underneath him. He looks around and finds Peacemaker, grabbing it.

After a few moments of silence, trying to come up with some sort of plan, he hears a groan a few yards away. Cole quickly turned his head in its direction, his breath catching in his throat.

In an awful way, Cole wished you had died in the explosion instead of having to face you himself. Killing his childhood best friend wasn't something he ever wanted to do.

You were still kicking. Talon's agents always had a nasty habit of not staying dead. Your face was contorted into a grimace as you pulled yourself out of the rubble, Talon armor cracked and tearing into your skin. After a few feet of crawling, Cassidy noticed the loss of your right leg. Despite that, you seemed hell bound on completing your mission.

Stubborn, just as you were in Deadlock.

You halted your movement towards him and met his gaze. Both of you stared at one another in silence. Eyes locked onto each other like two predators who knew each other's moves all too well. A soft wind blew through the broken concrete of the former building, rustling dust around them. No one spoke a word, but the tension was palpable.

Memories flooded back to Cole - warm summer nights spent under Texas skies, holding you close and feeling your laughter vibrate through him whenever he planted a gentle kiss on your cheek. As he looked at his gun, he remembered those moments fondly before tightening his grip on it.

The sun dipped below the horizon, casting a warm orange hue over the landscape as the sky turned dark blue above.

Your eyes darted around, spotting your revolver lying nearby, its cold metal reflecting the dying sunlight. He also spotted the familiar gun, not believing that you kept it after all this time. Cole watched you look at it and then back at him, his heart racing wildly as he realized what might happen next. The weapon lay there like a temptress calling for attention.

"You...had it engraved for me?"

"Consider it a parting gift, darlin'"

You slowly started reaching for the weapon, fingers curling slightly as if to caress it.

Cole swung his arm, pointing his gun directly at you without even thinking about it. This action froze you mid-reach, leaving you staring at him with an unreadable expression.

"Don't shoot me out of panic," you said in a unnervingly calm voice, though whether it was meant as a taunt or genuine plea, Cole couldn't discern.

Cole ground his teeth together, searching for the right words to say without lowering his guard. He kept his sights trained on you, never breaking eye contact even for a moment.

Before Cole could find his voice, you began speaking calmly once more, "Humans need conflict; it's out of love that I want society to grow stronger." Your cold eyes pierce through his very being.

"Talon will strengthen humanity."

He watched as you started reaching for the pistol again, his grip on Peacemaker tightening further.

The world seemed distant to Cole as the sounds of your voice filled his mind, echoing with justifications and explanations for why you ended up here. His ears rang with the weight of your words, making everything else feel far away as you continued your 'speech'.

You truly believed Talon was helping the world.

"Please… darlin', don't make me do this," Cole whispered desperately under his breath, his voice cracking as he fought tears.

Silence reigned once more as the cool evening breeze danced around them, lifting dust devils into the air. The moon crested the horizon, bathing them in pale light.

"My heart and actions are utterly unclouded," you said softly, almost sadly. Then suddenly, you lunged for the pistol, grasping it firmly before leveling it at Cole.

The click of an empty chamber echoed in the quiet desert air, followed almost instantaneously by the sharp retort of a single gunshot.

[phospheneics]

"The very first night"

synopsis: tomura shigaraki x reader one shot in which he is your ex situationship and you're a hero.

a/n: You two are the same age. In the flashback, you're both 18. Your quirk allows you to read memories whenever you lock eyes with someone. Even the deepest most hidden memories.

wc: 1099

Rain fell steadily all around you as you stood on the sidewalk. The streets of Musutafu were nearly silent tonight. The city lights formed a blur as you looked up at them, the rain obscuring your vision.

Tomura Shigaraki. This name would instill fear in anyone else. But to you, it held an entirely different meaning. Though you stood on different sides of this war. In the end, it was you who made the decision to stop seeing him. You couldn't continue betraying everything you stood for as a hero.

The first night you spent together was etched into your memory with painful clarity. The way he looked at you, as if you were the only person who truly saw him, who understood the broken pieces hidden beneath his rough exterior. You never forgot the way his touch, so often deadly, became tender against your skin. It was in those quiet moments you spent together, that's where you found a safe haven.

Flashback:

You were a third year student at UA High. One evening, after a full day of classes and training, you went out for a walk at dark. The rain unexpectedly started pouring down on you. With every shop in the area closed for the night, you had no choice but to seek shelter in the uninhibited building.

The rain poured down harder as you peeked out the window, hoping it'd let up soon. The sudden noise from the shadows makes you jump. You instinctively reach for your weapon, clutching it.

A figure emerges from the darkness. The figure of someone hadn't recognized. A villain, maybe? He looks a little young, though, you think to yourself. The moon shone through the window and reflected off of his crimson eyes. Eventually, he spoke up.

"I'm not looking for a fight right now. Go away." He announced, his voice tired.

Your body stayed still. You had to urge to flee or even fight if needed, but something in his demeanor made you stay put. You take notice of the harsh injury on his side. His shirt was ripped and bloody.

"My name is Y/N, what's yours?" You ask him in a gentle tone, trying not to startle him.

"Tomura..." He mutters. "My name is Tomura Shigaraki."

You cautiously drop your weapon and look up at him. "What happened to you?" You question, your gaze softening.

"It doesn't matter." He answered defensively, instinctively holding his side. He doesn't even bother to look at you.

"I can help you with that if you want, I have a few first aid supplies in my bag." You insist.

He looks at you for a moment, your eyes finally meeting. His intense gaze lingered on you even after you abruptly looked away. For a moment, the entire world outside of this decripit building seemed to come to a stop. In the depth of his eyes, you caught a glimpse of his life. You had seen the hidden pain he kept beneath, his fears, and his darkest moments all flashed before you when you had activated your quirk. You were granted an insight into his soul.

A surge of sympathy washed over you. You found the courage to meet his soft gaze again. You eventually opened up your bag and began to clean his wound. You continue to bandage him up.

"There ya go! All done." You say, giving him a small, reassuring smile.

He looks at his bandaged wound, admiring your work. "You're pretty good at this," he compliments. "It's actually pretty impressive."

You felt your heart skip a beat upon hearing his words. "It comes with the training I get at school," you tell him.

He glances towards your first aid bag and sees the "UA" emblem on it subtly. He finally makes the connection. Realization had striked him. You were a hero. He kept quiet about it for the time being, but you had realized he was a villain way before he realized you were a hero.

When he finally looks up, he says, "You know, I wasn't expecting a hero to be the one to patch me up.."

You were surprised hearing this, so he had figured out you were a hero. "Well..heroes are meant to help anyone in need, even if that's a...." You pause. "Regardless of the circumstances." You finish your sentence.

His expression had visibly softened towards you. "Thank you.." He mutters. His gratitude made obvious through his gaze.

"You're welcome," you reply, keeping your eyes locked on him.

The rain had lightened up. You packed up your bag and got ready to go back to your dorm. Before walking out the door, you turn to wave at him.

"Goodbye, Tomura." You smile at him and disappear before he had a chance to return your goodbye.

End of flashback

Your phone buzzes. You sigh and pull it out of your pocket to check it. The notification was from him-- Tomura. You hadn't spoken to him for 2 years now, why was he contacting you? Your heart sank to your stomach as you clicked the message.

"Hey... can we talk?" It read.

You pause a moment, wondering how you should respond.

"Sure, when nd where?" You type back to him as the rain continued to fall softly around you. The droplets start to collect on your phone screen.

Your phone buzzes again. "Now." It read.

You glance up from your phone screen to see him just feet away, in front of you. His eyes met yours, and you stopped yourself from activating your quirk on him. His eyes held a vulnerability you had never seen before.

As he stood before you, his gaze searched you. Without a single word, he closed the distance between you two. He leaned in and kissed you. His cold, damp lips instantly became warm as they met yours. Your heartbeats fell in sync, and he leaned in further to you. His kiss deepened.

He pulled you closer desperately as he explored your body with his fingertips. His delicate touch resembled a sculptor gently, adding the finishing touches to his work. Each caress was deliberate and precise.

The rain continued to pour down on you two. He pulls away for a moment.

"I missed you so much," he whispers.

"I missed you too, Tomura." You reply in a gentle voice.

In that moment, the past dissipated. None of it mattered anymore. In the quiet intensity, it felt as if your souls were intertwined. You both reconnected in a way that echoed the raw emotion of the very first night you had spent together.

[kotelok16]

Hii so I’m new here and haven’t touched danganronpa in years, so I’m just curious as to what got you into komamiki? My mind is blown whenever I see a ship that’s not implied in canon, so seeing your art was like woah!!!! And I just like getting people to infodump about stuff they love 💕

Thanks a lot for the question, anon! This is gonna be a long post, be prepared

In fact, I remember very poorly the moment when I got involved in this pairing. As I understand it, I saw one piece of art and just fell in love with this couple? That is, my brain clicked and was like, "Listen, I like it, there's something in this!"

If you still asking "why" I liked this pairing, then the main reason is an interesting dynamic. Yes, yes, komamiki haters, I know about the ending of the third trial and that these two "hate each other" (as they usually write). But... Isn't there a special charm in this? Has the path from hate to love stopped being a thing? I mean, at the end of the trial, it was shown how well Mikan caught Nagito's weakness. She could have left him speechless with a precise phrase. She understood Nagito.

Isn't there some spice in the fact that you are best understood by the person you dislike now? And everyone you admire didn't even try to understand you?? (yes, Hajime tried in free-time events. I know, I don't deny it. Just for now we are talking about the main plot).

Of course, I can think too much like any other fan of any other pairing. But this dynamic is driving me crazy!

It gives me pleasure to reflect on how difficult it would be for komamiki to restore a neutral relationship to begin with after the events of the game. And it's going to be difficult, as it's going to be difficult for all the killers and victims to talk about what happened, you know? And the difficulties are ✨interesting✨.

What I also like about komamiki is that they are two broken people who can understand each other. They both need psychological (and not only) help, okay?? But in this path of recovery, they can become each other's support.

Mikan is emotional, reads the general atmosphere and someone else's mood very easily, worries a lot. Nagito is actually more detached and calm (unless we're talking about hope-). He knows how to show the emotions needed at the moment, but he does not always read the general atmosphere (and does not always consider it necessary, he is on his own mind). In total, we have two broken people, one is very emotional and reads people well, and the second is calm, which adjusts to the mood of people. And both have low self-esteem and are very, let's call it, helpful. "I will do anything, just don't hate me!" and "I will do everything to become your stepping stone to hope!"

At the same time, they can learn a lot from each other and take care of each other. Mikan, of course, as a nurse. I like to think too much that she put all her strength into Nagito's life after him waking up from the New World Program. Komaeda, in turn, is sharp-tongued, and can protect his emotional girlfriend from unwanted comments verbally. He also knows how to express admiration, I think such words won't hurt Mikan. Tsumiki can also express in words and actions the importance of Nagito's life to her. Uh, a mutual aid circle??

Will such a relationship be difficult? OF COURSE, absolutely. But do you really think that any relationship does not involve difficulties? Including healthy relationships, which are being talked about a lot now? Like, guys, psychologists identify the crisis stages that ANY married couple goes through. The question is not what kind of problems are in the relationship, but how they will be solved. But I got off the subject.

If I think again about the post-canon, then I am hooked by the idea that the Class 77 will become the world's enemy. Not without reason, let's be honest. But, you see, there is no one left in their world who would accept them, except classmates (no, Makoto, don't look at me like that-). "In this world, we only have each other." Isn't this a bit dramatic, tragic and romantic?! (tragic for the most part, but we love it here)

Uh, I think this post is already quite long, it's worth taking stock. I love komamiki, I see an interesting, complex dynamic between them. Most of the time I draw them cute, gentle, romantic, well, because I like to draw them like that. I'm interested in thinking about their relationship, but drawing all sorts of cute things gives me peace of mind. Thanks again for the question, anon! It's always a joy to talk about your favorite couple^^

[pespillo]

some more Acolyte! King stuff , ideas for the arc, scenes, whatever, stuff i came up while walking in the morning:

timeline wise in early S2 King would end up at The Owl House through shenanigans and is kept there for like a week, he hates it, he complains all the time, he doesnt run away because he doesnt trust anyone but Belos to get him (and he wholly believes Belos will be coming soon); very reluctantly theres a semblance to warming up to Luz and Eda, but before anything significant happens, Kikimora shows up to get him back to the castle, he is thrilled to finally being saved, but is really bitter about blowing up his cover as someone who Doesnt or cannot talk over the ocasional growl or bark.

On the way back King notices Kikimora is diverting to another direction on her dragon and asks what is she planning and where are they going, Kikimora reassures him that she doesnt plan anything but that they have to talk. While Kiki is obedient to the emperor´s coven, she was always loyal to the titan and had made an oath to serve King even over the Emperor´s word. She confesses that the Emperor never made a clear effort to search for him all this time until she offered herself to go.

King is obviously confused and trusts that Belos simply must have been making a grander plan that maybe she wasnt aware of, but Kikimora nonetheless tells him that theres something else, that Belos has been acting off for a while and that even with all that she knows (and she does hold information no one else knows, like the Day of Unity´s intent, that King is a titan, that Hunter is a grimwalker, knowing about the Collector) but she knows that its not Everything.

They both end up settling down in a far off forest and Kikimora shows that behind Belos back, she took something from his chambers that she has to give to King, but only if hes willing to take them, for she is risking her life for the titan ´s will.

King tells her that she must not hide anything from the son of the titan and that she is obliged to show him, and so she shows him she took King´s broken off halves of his horns, she doesnt know in what state King came when he first was taken in 10 yrs ago into the castle, so she wants to know from King, if he can remember anything from his youngest years, shes known the greater deal with the day of unity for a while, and she doesnt ask to be spared from it, but she hopes that King can recognize his greater place in the Isles and that maybe, theres even other nations willing to join in for a greater empire (it is in her interests after all, she wholly believes King could be a greater Emperor), but first and foremost, she wants King to know the truth.

King starts remembering upon touching the horns, freaking out at flashbacks of being taken as an egg, and then waking up in a strange place, full of people who smelled like titans, but they looked, off, but still took care of him as a baby, feeding him and leaving him to nest.

He remembers Belos mask, his eyes, staring at him intently, the glint of a golden mask beside him as well, voices, arguing, shaking hands by the end, the reflection of the moon, he remembers Belos wrapping his arms around his body and walking away into a boat;

Being sat down and given something that made him dizzy, the grinding of his horns being cut off, then warmth and arms squeezing him close to a body whenever he cried. From then on, thats just his life, to be taken care of, to be told of the divine mission his father left to Belos, the blood tests, the prodding and picking, and the promises of a better world once this one is left behind to die.

King is just left wondering; who were those people, why did Belos lie about being saved from being sacrificed as a baby? is there other people willing to honor the titans for real then? Is there hope for the Isles to not be a lost cause in his eyes if he tries searching for more answers?

Kiki tells him she can send an open letter to try finding who these people are, if she pulls some strings before the Day of Unity, she does this only for the dignity and honor of the Titan´s son.

[asgardian--angels]

hey you know that quote where frodo’s all ‘I wish it had not come to me, I wish none of this had happened’ 

yeah im feelin that rn @ the entire state of this chaotic malicious world 

[missmentelle]

What abusers believe.

If you've ever had to deal with an abusive person in your life - like an abusive parent or partner - you've probably wondered what made them treat you that way. If you understand why abuse is happening, the thinking goes, you might be able to figure out how to make it stop. 

So why do abusers do what they do? Do they have anger issues? Drinking problems? Past trauma? Personality disorders? Do they just need to get in touch with their feelings and learn how to communicate better?

Nope. 

Abusive behaviours come from abusive beliefs. Abusers - whether consciously or unconsciously - hold specific beliefs about relationships that drive their behaviour and allow them to justify the horrible things they do. Even if your abuser has never put their beliefs into words, you'll probably recognize a lot of these abusive beliefs:

You are responsible for my emotions. It is never my responsibility to reflect on my emotional reactions or learn better coping skills - it's your responsibility to stop doing things that make me angry or upset.

I must act on my emotions. If I am angry, I am going to lash out. You have no right to criticize me for that, and it's not my responsibility to learn to manage my  emotions - you have to stop making me lash out at you. Asking me not to act on my emotions is controlling and wrong.

You will always be responsible for my emotions. Even if the relationship ends, you will continue to be responsible for my emotions, and I will expect you to continue to prioritize my feelings.

If I have feelings about something, it's my business. If something you do or think causes an emotional reaction in me, then I have a right to get involved or tell you what to do. My feelings must be the priority. You don’t have the right to tell me that it’s none of my business. 

You must judge me on my intentions, not my actions. If I didn't mean to hurt you or scare you, then you don't have the right to be hurt or scared. No one has the right to try to hold me accountable unless I meant to hurt someone.

I get to decide what your intentions were. If you hurt me, you meant to hurt me. If you make me jealous, you meant to make me jealous. Nothing you do is ever accidental or unintended - everything you do is intentional and malicious, even if it was a response to something I did.

My feelings are genuine; your feelings are manipulation. If I'm upset, my feelings are real and important. If you are upset, you have an ulterior motive - you're just trying to be manipulative and get attention or sympathy for yourself.

You have freedoms because I allow you to. Every freedom you have in your life - like wearing what you want - it's because I generously allow it. I expect you to be grateful to me for that. I have the right to take those freedoms away whenever I want, and I expect you to obey.

If you set boundaries with me, you are mistreating me. If you really loved me, you wouldn't set boundaries with me. You are doing this to intentionally hurt me, which means I don't have to respect those boundaries.

You holding me accountable for hurting you is worse than me hurting you. My pain at being called out is worse than your pain at being mistreated. If I feel bad about something I did, I have already been punished enough. You trying to discuss the issue or hold me accountable is just your way of abusing me.

If I apologized for something, you have to forgive me. If the relationship has ended, you have to reconcile with me. You don't get to ask for more time apart or more discussion of the issue - once I've apologized, the matter is closed for good.

The relationship is not over until I say it is over. So long as I want a relationship with you, you must have a relationship with me. Your feelings are irrelevant. Even if we have broken up, you must remain available to me so we can get back together in the future. Not wanting a relationship with me means you are mistreating me or being immature. 

I am the authority in this relationship. I am smarter and more perceptive than you. I know what is best for both of us. My version of events is always the correct one. I have superior judgement, taste and opinions. If you question me or disagree with me after I've given you the correct answer, you are disrespecting and mistreating me, or you are simply immature and incapable of knowing what’s good for you.

I have the right to control you. It is my absolute right to decide what you do and who you associate with. You have no right to disobey me. I am owed obedience and control; if you don’t give me those things, you are wronging me and cheating me out of the relationship I deserve. 

If you resist my control, I am allowed to do whatever I think is necessary to get it back. Once you’ve resisted me, I am justified in whatever I do to regain control of you. I am not responsible for my actions when you resist my control; you forced me to do it, and it’s your own fault. 

I should be your main focus. Everything else in your life comes secondary to me. When you make decisions, my feelings should be your first consideration. You are expected to make sacrifices for me and put me at the center of your life; I am not obligated to do the same for you. 

If I spend money on you or do something for you, you are in debt to me. You spending money on me or doing things for me does not erase your debt to me, and I am never in debt to you. You are indebted to me for as long as I decide. I may decide that your belongings and earnings also belong to me, since I allow you to have them. I may also decide at any time that you owe me for gifts I gave you, even if they were meant to be gifts.

I am not abusive, and you are not allowed to tell me otherwise. I know what abuse is, and real abusers are significantly worse than me. If our relationship has ever had any good times or positive moments, it can’t possibly be abusive. If you accuse me of being abusive, you are the one abusing me, or you have been led astray by bad influences. 

Relationships should be effortless (for me). I am owed a relationship that is peaceful and requires no real effort from me. It is your job to make sure we have that kind of relationship. If there is any tension or conflict in the relationship, it is your fault, and you are depriving me of the relationship I deserve to have. 

Abusers and victims alike often buy into the narrative that abuse is rooted in anger issues - after all, abusers are frequently angry, and anger is an issue that can be treated. But this narrative just isn’t true. Abusers aren’t abusive because they are angry. Abusers are angry because they are abusive. 

A non-abusive partner is not someone who has learned how to control their rage whenever you spend time with your friends or get home 15 minutes late from work. A non-abusive partner just doesn’t feel any rage in those situations. An abuser’s rage is firmly rooted in their beliefs about relationships - they feel entitled to a relationship that meets their impossible expectations, and when they inevitably don’t get it, they bubble over with fury. Whether they know it or not, they have firmly entrenched beliefs about how relationships should be, and those beliefs are at the heart of their abuse. 

Can abusers stop believing these things? Maybe. If they can acknowledge that they have these beliefs, accept that these beliefs are dangerous and unreasonable and let go of these beliefs, maybe it’s possible for them to no longer be abusive in the future. Maybe. But it’s not your job to hang around and find out. If you’re in an abusive relationship of any kind, you deserve better. There are many people in this world who don’t hold abusive views of relationships, and you deserve to find happiness with them. 

[enhypia]

JS ; exes

exes answers questions with the choice of drinking instead of answering

pairings: park jongseong x gn!reader

genre: angst, mild fluff

words: roughly 1.7k

masterlist ⸺ series masterlist

~guides and warnings~

italics - reader speaking

bold - jay speaking

[enclosed] - interviewer speaking

italicized bold - both reader and jay speaking

[enclosed bold or italics] - question (depends on who's speaking)

heavily inspired by: rec.create lie detector games, cut truth or drink

warning: contains and mentions of !!! drinking, swearing, neglect, breaking up

i don't promote underage drinking, save your livers

-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

hello, i'm (y/n)

and i'm jay

we're (awkward eye contact)

uhh we're exes

[you guys were invited here today as exes for a fun little drinking game, you guys were aware of that right?]

yes

yup

*interviewer shuffles awkwardly

sorry it's just, our friends were the ones who signed up for us

yeah, we just found out about it three days ago

[but are you guys still okay with doing this?]

we're okay

just give us a few minutes to get used to environment

*(y/n) chuckles

[okay, for this game, questions will be asked and if you refuse to answer, you drink, it's that simple. are you guys ready? should we start?]

*jay nods

ready as i'll ever be

[how long were you guys together?]

we were together for almost 3 years

[how long have you guys been broken up?]

about a year and a half now

[who broke up with who?]

i did they did

[why did you break up with him?]

so this was all a year and a half ago okay? no coming for jay, he's grown, we've grown

thanks?

you're welcome

*jay laughs

uhh.. it just really reached a point where i felt neglected in a way? and it was just tiring? i kept thinking 'do i deserve this treatment?' and i hated that i was doubting everything, including his feelings. so i just said let's talk about it and then yeah we split up

*jay drinks and (y/n) laughs

sorry sorry

nah i just needed that

[okay, how about we officially start the q&a portion between the of you now?]

*both nod and played rock paper and scissors to determine who gets to ask first, jay wins

*he picks up a card and facepalms after seeing the question

goddamn

should i be scared?

not sure, but you might opt to drink though

[do you blame me for what happened to us?]

oh my god *(y/n) laughs

i know right

so we're unpacking emotions today? okay noted

you can just drink if you're not comfortable with it

i'll drink but i'll still answer, might ease your mind no?

*jay couldn't stop his head from nodding

*(y/n) drinks

i admit that i blamed you at first, but then i got to thinking that it wasn't just you, i was also at fault too since i never really vocalized what i felt? i just let it build up until it reached the point where you couldn't do anything about it anymore, and i couldn't too.

yeah but it's more of my fault since i felt something was wrong but i just brushed it off, i brushed you off.

....

shot?

*jay smiles slightly and both raised their glasses to cheers before drinking

we were both at fault and i don't blame you, jay. i hope you stop blaming yourself

*(y/n) smiles softly then picks up a card to stop any reply they might get from jay

god why are these questions so heavy? it wasn't like this from other episodes

*jay and crew laugh

okay, hit me

[what's your biggest regret about our relationship?]

what the fuck

SEE ?!

*both laugh and jay drinks

okay, next question

no, i'm answering

[we won't stop you but just reminding you both that it's okay not to answer if you drink]

the alcohol releases the unhinged-ness

in other words, this is really just us using the alcohol to actually say what we feel

i think you already the answer, and it's that i didn't do anything about us even if i felt something was wrong. i just kept on focusing on my career that i reached a point where i brushed everything off as nothing. and in the end, while i got the success i wanted, somehow i also feel like i'm on the losing end really.

*(y/n) drinks making jay laugh

what? it's my first time hearing all this !

it was a rough break so

omg is this our closure ???

*jay's eyes widened

and it's filmed ?!?!

*everyone laughs

couple goals *(y/n) does a hashtag

oh wait *(y/n) looks at jay

exes goals *both do a hashtag pose

*they laugh, ignoring the sting in their hearts

okay, okay moving on

*jay laughs again

is it a heavy one again?

nope

[do your friends hate me?]

*(y/n) bursts out laughing

please 😭

we have the same friends

we share a lot of mutual friends

that's why there was like tension for a month in the friend group because no one knew what to do

i'm sorry you had to endure all that friends

remember when they literally made an organized schedule to hang out where we wouldn't see each since the break up was still fresh?

yeah like i got heeseung on tuesdays

and i got him on thursdays

😭😭😭

we love them though, they did their best to console us both

thanks guys <33

*(y/n) picks up a card

goddammit

[do you think we could've actually worked out our problems?]

i think it's unfair that i get a lot of heavy questions

i have the power of god and anime on my side today

i think we could've, if i just had taken the actual time to reflect and sit down and talk, we could've worked it out.

*(y/n) slaps jay's arm

i told you, stop blaming yourself

k

*(y/n) rolls their eyes

*jay picks up a card and

oh

what?

*he is stuttering guys, he is fidgeting

[do you wish we were still together?]

oh

yeah

.....

*both drink

i mean-

*jay has been paralyzed, he did not expect (y/n) to answer

i'm happy where i am right now, maybe there are moments of weakness that the thought crosses my mind but i don't dwell on it too much. i think we're both still learning and growing.

*jay doesn't want to think about the fact that (y/n) never said a clear yes or no

*(y/n) picks up a card and groans

please just drink to this

why?

[what do you think of me now?]

....

drink.

no?

why?

because-

why?

i'm answering

why?

i want to?

no.

right now i'm just really proud of you.

*WORLD PAUSE, (y/n) is malfunctioning

it's a little sad that i didn't get to witness a lot of it but i promise i watched from afar and i'm so proud of you. like it makes me feel lighter in a way? knowing that you're still going and pursuing your dreams. it just made me at ease that -

*(y/n) drinks, looking very much like snow white's apples

are you blushing?

jay i will kick you

*he laughs and pinches (y/n) cheeks making them redder, (y/n) slaps his hands away

i won't hesitate bitch

how about you huh?

[what do you think of me now?]

*jay you should know not to tease too much or else it'll bite you back

i think you're absolutely amazing.

*jay could only blame himself

i am in constant awe and there's this pride that i have in me whenever i see you thriving. it's weird because i thought i'd be bitter about it, but since i knew of your goals and how passionate you were, all i felt was pride. it did hurt a little that i couldn't go "that's my baby!" anymore.

*alert! jay's ears are red and it's spreading to his cheeks and neck

okay next question!

*he quickly picks up a card making (y/n) burst out laughing

everything i said was true though.

hajima. stop. pause. i'm not listening

*(y/n) laughs at flustered jay

this is the last one.

[question for both: if you could tell me anything, what would you say?]

sheesh

same

rock paper scissors? loser goes first

*jay wins

*(y/n) drinks

can you turn around for this one, like don't look at me.

*jay followed

i want to say that,,,, that it's not your fault for putting your future first. it kind of stung since you made me feel like i wasn't a part of it but i know that wasn't your intention. i understand your actions and i don't blame you. if i was in your position i probably would've been the same. i'm sorry that i didn't try harder, like you said we could've made it work but i just got so tired, i hope you can forgive me for that as well.

okay i'm turning around as well, your turn

*(y/n)'s eyes are glassy, but jay doesn't need to see that

i want to say that i'm sorry for neglecting you. i feel like you're tired of me saying sorry but that's really all i could do. i forgive you by the way even if i don't get why you're apologizing to me. i also want to say that, it wasn't you. it sounds cliche but you weren't the reason i became like that, it was me. it was never you. so please don't blame yourself for anything. please don't question your worth because you were more than enough.

yah i didn't want to unpack that

well i still know you and i was given the chance to say it now so

*(y/n) turns around wiping tears, jay is sniffling

i need a drink damn

*(y/n) pours a shot and jay as well, both drink after clinking their glasses

[you guys good?]

*both looks at each other and chuckles

we're good

i can't believe we have to thank our friends for setting this up

*jay groans

[care to answer one last question that is in everyone's minds' right now?]

oh god

is it what i think it is

[will we see you guys be featured again? maybe exes to couples again?]

let's drink!

*both take one last shot and waves to the camera

*(y/n) shrugs and jay winks

bye~

»————-　♡　————-«

bonus: youtube comments (peep last one)

masterlist ⸺ series masterlist

a/n: i was planning to post this sooner but my pharma prof suddenly dropped a 6-page activity lmao rip, im scheduling the timestamps i forgot to post last update sorry sorry. my angst skills are subpar forgive me but i tried my best. i hope you like this one too !! jake's will be uploaded next ! please look forward to it <33

[heartofholland]

tom recs <3

hi guys! here is a fic rec list i made of all the fics i’ve loved. personally, i consider myself an avid fic reader so i have read a shit ton of fics. these are just my highlights. let me know if you want more like this! and if you do end up reading any of these please make sure you REBLOG them to spread the goodness. these writers work their ass off and deserve all the credit in the world. enjoy! <3

SERIES

riding my by @worldoftom this fic is barely started but i love everything this writer puts out. very smutty, very hot. innocence kink check!

breaking curfew by @wazzupmrstark ASSHOLE TOM! my weakness. enemies to lovers but make it FWB. what I wish my summer camp was like instead of my thighs sticking to chairs and lice outbreaks.

eighteen by @angelic-holland corruption/innocence kink! basically all smut but damn do i want bad boy tom.

the situationship by @fairytelling can’t say enough about this fic. the definition of falling in love with your best friend. if my relationship isn’t like this i don’t want it.

happiness is a butterfly by @blissfulparker soft mob!tom and they’re forbidden soulmates! updates are WELL worth the wait!

i only feel you by @stuckonspidey the first time i read my watch thought i was working out for how high my heart rate was. shit keeps you on your toes. there is a sequel fic but just a heads up you will want to unstan tom on multiple occasions.

make me love you by @mrs-hollandstan frat boy player tom turned soft. mans does a whole 180. fuck dom.

perfidy by @peeterparkr couldn’t be more obsessed with this fic. they’re both so fucking stupid but too afraid to get hurt. also the social media posts are so fucking cute and crucial to the story 

eloped by @worldoftom getting married to tom in the most beautiful vacation spot? sign me the fuck up

you. by @txmhoelland i think there’s definely worse men to be set up with as a PR stunt.

erotas by @farfromparker i have definely read this fic for more days than i’ve been on this earth but every time i lose my goddamn mind

dare you to move by @starksparker-archive the best version of FWB tom is when you’re his roommate…

gone by @dahliaspidey this one… hurts. but i just know it will bounce back.

take me out by @angelic-holland warning this one is really dark. like serial killers. but it was so fascinating i am completely obsessed with the psychology of it all. jake is featured and please don’t imagine the mr. music the entire time like i did </3

single all the way by @heyhihellowhatsup0 i read this whenever i need a lil christmas pick me up

sweetener by @keepingupwiththeparkers cute awkward relationship. it is so real i feel like it could actually happen to me.

ex on the beach by @heyhihellowhatsup0 THE ANGST GIVES ME LIFE

SMUT

bartender by @t-o-m-holland tom happens to own your favorite bar. your subtle flirts aren’t working. the banter between reader and the fam makes me wish i didn't have social anxiety.

siren by @rosyparkers don’t get me wrong i will scream ACAB til the day i die but police officer tom could definitely get it.

best of three by @mrs-hollandstan one of the 3000 threesome fics i have saved. imagine not getting one of the hottest men but TWO.

roommates by @hollandbaby what a coincidence we both want to fuck each other! this checks all the kinks my man. i’ve read this probably no less than 100 times.  

that was that by @moorehollandplz dom!tom but something flips and he’s never been more gentle. mans got both sides of the playing field covered.

know your enemy by @angelic-holland short but sweet. hate sex is always hotter behind the scenes.

wasabi by @angelic-holland literally everything about alice is phenomenal but this is on of my faves. when i read this it makes me feel smarter. also body shots.

say good night by @madmadmilk this writers work never fails to blow me away but this time she managed to encapsulate my entire life. (minus the execution with a very hot and experienced best friend).

buwygf-ib by @hholyholland just ignore tomdaya for a sec and take in the hottest dom!tom i’ve ever witnessed.

cocky by @sykoxartist yeah he’s an asshole but he’s your asshole. at least that’s what he thinks.

sovereign by @farfromparker sub!tom is so hot. man will beg for DAYS.

summer vacation by @kidney9-9  when is hate sex ever like…. not hot as fuck?

ride by @tomhollandsstan face riding. period.

coincidence by @starshinebucky actor!reader and tom fuck… at least they’ll have good chemistry next time.

skin by @hollandbaby dom!tom is not ok with being a sub. unless it’s for you.

you can bet on it by @kiwi-bitchez all of this writers smut makes my pussy throb. this is my fave. just wait for the twist.

a rose blooms by @cornacopicimagines prince!tom drives me wild. but wait til he finds out you’re not a virgin.

begging by @raewritesfiction tom makes you beg for it.

self reflection by @stuckonspidey this is actual proof tom has a praise kink.

minor inconvenience by @angel-spidey toms an idiot but at least he can get you off.

flesh by @starshinebucky cocky tom kills me.

keeping him nice and warm by @marvelouspeterparker mob!tom the gif itself to sends me.

after hours by @cornacopicimagines never had sexual tension with a teacher but this will do.

ANGST

josslyn by @multiharlot messy situation but reader handles it like a champ. if your heart isn’t broken enough, the last line will make sure it’s unfixable for days on end.  

moral of the story by @kelieah listen to the song while you’re at it to make your cry sesh take a turn for the worst. 

cherry by @xoluvx this one hurts real bad. so does the song. 

a complicated love story by @samhollandssweaters an emotional rollercoaster for real.

he dies in the end by @allfandomxreader ignore the title and just cry your eyes out with me.

eighteen by @fancyxholland you’ll be confused why it’s in the angst category but trust me.

all the lies by @peteywillproceed getting cheated on but the girl is toms gf, how do you tell him. 

memories by @nycparkers i sob to this whenever i need a good cry. 

don’t be a fool by @nycparkers breakups that dont end messily make me so fucking jealous.

FLUFF

kiss currency by @madmadmilk borderline smut. confused and oblivious harrison. dialogue inspires me to talk to males.  

plank all over me by @waitimcomingtoo FILRTY TOM! THE BANTER! i really am a whore for well written dialogue. there’s additional parts but i won’t spoil.

 playing cupid by @marvelobsessedteenager you set everyone else up but wait a damn minute how did you forget about tom?

 little flirt by @webslinger-holland oh to flirt with tom while he’s sweaty from intensely dancing for the lip sync battle.

pour it out by @rhapsodyparker i don’t know what it is but famous!reader going on talk shows or having interviews and they ask the reader cheeky questions about tom might be one of my many kinks…

hubby by @t-holland2080 it’s the small things that make me want to bawl my eyes out for being so lonely.

going live by @redrebecca the dialogue makes me cry of happiness! tom doing a live (what a concept).

paddy’s crush by @tom-holland-is-spiderman jealous tom but of his younger brother.

 wannabe by @sailingintothenight the cliffhanger at the end demands a second part.

flawless by @missnxthingg  tom is a simp.

you and me by @sunshinehollandd best friend tom makes me soft.

dick appointments. web shooters. the duality of a man. by @porterporker  it gets a lil steamy but man is “web shooter” a funny name for a dick.

best day by @thollandss dad!tom gives me baby fever even though i am a virg.

 tom asks your dad by @blissfulparker can i just skip through the bad boyfriends and just marry the love of my life already.

baked chicken by @waitimcomingtoo there isn’t a category for awkward but if there was this would be in it.

lover boy by @starshinebucky  tom being so oblivious you like him that you need to call for backup.

afterglow by @wickedholland i wish someone would treat me like this when im drunk instead of leaving me to hold my own hair back.

[sweeethinny]

Having children is not easy

Inspired by a true story of a father who actually broke his son's arm playing football lol

-----------------------

"Ginny!" Harry's hurried voice had her dropping everything she'd been concentrating on, and desperately grabbing the mirror inside her desk drawer, not long to see her husband's very pained face in the reflection. ‘’James broke his arm, we are going to the hospital,’’

''What?! What do you mean he broke his arm?'' Ginny tried to remain calm, she really did, but there was something inside her that was born when Teddy got old enough to walk, and when she took James in her arms, which was: a fear constant that one of their kids was going to get hurt.

She had been in a war, friends and brother had died, she had been tortured and possessed, but nothing, nothing, terrified her more than the fear that one of her children would get hurt. Ginny kept her cool when one of her teammates fell off the broom and her arm bone was exposed, even though she was horrified, but she didn't know how to keep it that way when it was one of her babies.

She was already hastily packing her things and getting up, ready to go to the hospital without even listening to what Harry had to say.

‘’We were playing, he couldn't catch the Quaffle in time. We're going to St. Mungo's,’’

''I'll meet you there!'' And not expecting anything else, Ginny just put the mirror in her bag along with her things, walking over to her boss only to quickly tell him what had happened so she could get into Floo and go to the hospital, already feeling euphoric even before landing on the right fireplace, thinking of all the bad that could happen, of the boy's suffering, and an urgency to protect her baby - who hasn't been a baby for many years - as a mother lioness would.

"James Sirius Potter," she said to the receptionist, not caring about compliments or politeness.

"Ground floor, room one hundred and fifteen," Ginny nodded, walking hurriedly towards the bedroom, trying not to think the worst would have happened in such a short time.

It was just a broken arm, Harry would tell you if it were more serious, it was just a broken arm. She kept repeating, until she finally stopped in front of the room, slamming the door open, blind with fear and anxiety.

"Mum!" James cried, sitting up in bed with a grimace as the healer assessed his very limp arm.

'’Hi son,'’ Ginny dropped her bag on a nearby chair, going to the bed and standing beside him, feeling that urge to cry just to see him in pain, as she felt whenever one of them got seriously hurt.

Which was common, as they were a mix of Potter and Weasley.

"Dad thought I'd be able to hold the Quaffles," James grimaced, looking at Harry who seemed to feel like the worst person in the world. ‘’But I couldn't, so I was thrown back.’’

"The shoulder has been dislocated," The healer explained, the floating quill beside her noting something on the also floating parchment. "A bone was broken, nothing we can't fix, but it's going to hurt." She smiled at James, as if apologizing in advance. '’Maybe you'll want to hold your mother's hand,'’

Ginny reached for her son's hand which was already stretched out towards her, eyes squeezed shut and face turned away from the injured shoulder, looking like a child scared of needles and not a sixteen year old boy. She chuckled softly, looking at Harry who still had that worried look on his face. Ginny squeezed his hand, making him seem to snap back to reality.

“It was an accident,” she whispered.

''I don't think I'll ever let him fly again,'' Harry whispered back, grimacing as James' screams echoed through the room, soon having to let go of her hand to grip his son's legs, as James started to move them and made the work harder for the healer.

Ginny could taste blood in her mouth, a horrible feeling washing over her.

She had heard that noise of broken bones coming back into place, many times, but it always seemed worse when it came from one of her children.

"Breath, mum and dad are here," she whispered to James, kneeling beside him, calmly running her hand over her son's face as he continued to squeeze her hand with surprising strength. ‘'It's almost over,'’

The minutes, maybe seconds, that passed seemed endless, lost in the midst of the screams and cries and the crunch of James' bones, a reek of herbs burning and blood clouding the small room. Ginny didn't even dare look at Harry, knowing that one of them would probably cry as soon as they looked at the other. They were always very weak when it came to their children's suffering.

When Lily fell into the shower and needed stitches in her chin, Ginny didn't know who cried the most, whether it was her, Lily or Harry. The healers were always very kind, none of them ever complained if one of the children asked to stop, or if they made a lot of noise, they were probably used to that mess of desperate parents and scared children.

Once it was over, Ginny finally managed to take a deep breath, still kneeling beside her son and wiping away the tears that were streaming down his face, assuring him that everything was fine and that they would be eating ice cream as soon as they left.

"Sorry Jamie," Harry joined Ginny's side, the healer now bandaging James' arm very carefully.

"It's okay," The boy grimaced but smiled at his father. "Next time, you're keeper," Harry chuckled, nodding vehemently and showering his son with kisses – James didn't often allow this, as now sixteen it seemed pretty ugly to be loved by his parents.

''For sure.''

[robininthelabyrinth]

Curse-breaker (Chapter 2/4)

- ao3 -

“If you can’t find him, that means it’s not meant to be,” the Nie sect leader said, and perhaps looked a little relieved somewhere beneath the grim scowl that had replaced the easygoing smile he had once had. “Let it be, then. Only…”

“Yes, Sect Leader?”

“I want our borders shut,” he said, his gaze distant, his hands tucked behind his back in stiffest formality. “Let no cultivator pass through; no scion or servant of any other sect, large or small.”

“Sect Leader…?”

“I don’t care what it does to our reputation,” he said, voice flat. “I don’t care if it hurts our commerce, makes everyone laugh at us as cowards – I don’t care about anything like that. That he’s well enough to evade us does not mean he is out of danger. If anyone else should find out…”

He shook his head.

“I have failed him enough already. I will not do so again.” He turned his head to stare at his subordinates. “Shut it down. All of it!”

They saluted, and went to enact his will.

-

Lan Wangji hadn’t been especially impressed with the Nie sect at first.

They were loud and constantly moving yet also guarded and standoffish, as if they couldn’t decide if they wanted people to pay attention to them or to leave them alone. He initially had thought it was arrogance the same way as the Jin sect, wanting to be looked at without wanting to admit it, but after some observation he’d realized that it really wasn’t like that at all. It was a little more, he thought, that they were naturally outgoing and extroverted, innately social in nature, and had to keep reminding themselves that they actually didn’t like any other people.

Certainly that was the impression the Nie sect heir gave off.

Nie Huaisang was Lan Wangji’s age, but he was much less accomplished – he talked a lot, smiled a lot, was a lot, and yet Lan Wangji didn’t think he’d ever actually said a single thing that really mattered. Lan Wangji hadn’t thought much about Nie Huaisang at all other than gritting his teeth and acting as his escort on the Nie sect’s first visit to another sect in years and years, thinking that if Nie Huaisang was any example, the Nie sect’s fearsome reputation for being as straight and unsubtle as their sabers was all a bunch of nonsense. Maybe he would have gone on thinking that, too, except that on the fourth day of their visit he discovered that Nie Huaisang listened as well as talked.

“I’m sorry,” Nie Huaisang said at one point, smiling. “Could you repeat that?”

Lan Wangji hadn’t really been paying attention, and he certainly hadn’t been speaking – he looked at Nie Huaisang in askance, wondering if he’d accidentally said something he wasn’t aware of.

“Your father,” Nie Huaisang clarified, and Lan Wangji tensed. “How often is he in seclusion?”

Lan Wangji frowned, cautious – that was a secret, of course, one of the family secrets. Everything behind what happened with his parents was secret. “Quite often,” he temporized. “He’s trying to focus on his cultivation –”

“That wasn’t what I asked,” Nie Huaisang said, cheerfully cutting him off without making it seem like he was doing that. “My da-ge says that he heard from – from somewhere, anyway, that he wasn’t just in seclusion often but always. He says that your father hasn’t used his sword in years, leaving it to rust on the wall, betraying all his old principles of swordsmanship.”

Lan Wangji bristled, thinking that it was an insult, but Nie Huaisang was looking at him, face open and sincere and, for once, serious, and looking over his words Lan Wangji had to admit there was more truth to it than lies. And wasn’t his uncle always saying do not tell lies?

“It’s not his choice,” he said, trying to defend it even as he wondered who was the da-ge that Nie Huaisang was referring to, since he was supposed to be the only heir of Qinghe Nie. “He has to be there, because of –”

He stopped.

“Because of what?” Nie Huaisang asked. His eyes were too sharp, too knowing, and suddenly Lan Wangji was sure he already knew. “Because of the broken sword buried under his house?”

“…my mother’s,” Lan Wangji said, and knew that he had admitted too much.

Except maybe keeping secrets the way he was supposed to wasn’t actually what he was supposed to do, because Nie Huaisang nodded and said, “My da-ge wouldn’t like that.”

Then he went back to his father and said something about how his da-ge wouldn’t approve of what was going on and the next thing Lan Wangji knew, Sect Leader Nie was striding through the Cloud Recesses with a terrifying scowl, going straight up to the house where Lan Wangji’s father was in seclusion and tearing the door right off the hinges.

“She’s dead already,” he bellowed, voice echoing right down the bones. “You should save your care for the living, or else you’ll blink and next thing they’ll be gone. Gone right along with the dead you’ve already lost. Don’t you dare throw away your chance the way I did!”

After that, all of a sudden, Lan Wangji had a father again.

-

“There are rumors, you know,” Lan Xichen said.

He was having tea in the garden in the small teahouse just outside of the Nie sect lands in Qinghe, the place where the Nie sect usually received its visitors now that the Unclean Realm and most of its surrounding environs were shut off from the world by fiercely patrolling guards. He was with Nie Huaisang, who barely stopped talking, and Lan Wangji, who almost never started; ever since the day old Sect Leader Nie had forced Qingheng-jun out of seclusion and back into the world, they had been the most unlikely pair of best friends he could have ever imagined. Whenever they were together, they fit together like two improbable puzzle pieces that should never have been separated.

When he was with them, Lan Xichen always felt a little lost, a little alone – like there was someone else that should have been there, too, someone who fit with him just right the way they fit together.

Perhaps, he thought, reflecting on what he had heard, there really should have been.

“About what?” Nie Huaisang inquired politely.

“The Unclean Realm,” Lan Xichen said, even though that was obvious there’d be rumors about that – there’d been people trying to sneak into there ever since it had been locked down, even though the Nie sect had announced that they’d imposed orders permitting any trespassers to be killed on sight, no excuses allowed. It hadn’t made that much of a difference; everyone wanted to know what they were hiding. “The – inheritance thereof.”

“Oh?” Nie Huaisang fanned himself lightly. “How interesting. What do the rumors say?”

“That you have an older brother,” Lan Xichen said, and noted with interest that neither Nie Huaisang nor Lan Wangji seemed surprised. “That he’s the real heir of Qinghe Nie. And that he’s…”

“That he’s what?”

“Subject to a curse,” Lan Xichen said, feeling bashful for even saying such a thing. It sounded like a children’s story told in the nighttime, not like anything a cultivator ought to be speaking of.

Except Nie Huaisang smiled a little, his eyes curving into crescents in a grim sort of humor, and he said, “Well, they’re not wrong.”

-

“I trust that this is an illustration of the reason we have rules against spreading rumors,” Lan Qiren said mildly, and noted that Nie Huaisang looked thoroughly abashed for once.

It didn’t happen very often: Nie Huaisang was in many ways utterly shameless, as shameless as his father had always been. As shameless as his mother, who Lan Qiren had met only twice, had been when in search of a snack, and given that woman’s force of personality (and, for that matter, appetite), that was saying something.

“I wasn’t expecting them to start talking about breaking the curse,” Nie Huaisang said bitterly. “I didn’t mean a curse like – like a kid’s story, or something! I just meant, you know…”

The qi deviations, he did not say.

“It could be seen as a curse, if you look at it in the right light,” Lao Nie agreed. He didn’t seem especially perturbed by the fact that his son’s conversation with Lan Xichen had been overheard and then spread out everywhere, nor that the secret of his eldest son’s improbable survival was being gossiped about all over the cultivation world. “It’s quite a reasonable way to describe it, really.”

Lan Qiren shot his old friend a frown. “I trust you’ve heard the rest of it, too?” he asked tartly. “They’re saying that you’d let the entirety of the Qinghe Nie go to whoever succeeded in breaking the ‘curse’.”

“Who says I won’t?” Lao Nie asked, and Lan Qiren turned to him fully to stare: he couldn’t be serious.

Lao Nie caught his glance and shook his head, and in the light he didn’t look grim and angry, the way he always was these days; he looked tired, and sad, and broken. “Oh, I’m quite serious, my friend,” he said. “If someone could bring me back my son, I would give them my head off my shoulders in a heartbeat.”

He was speaking hypothetically, Lan Qiren knew, and yet – with a sinking sensation in his heart – he knew, too, that they weren’t sitting somewhere as secret as he would have liked for a conversation like this. He knew that others had probably heard what Lao Nie had said, and instead of understanding that he was expressing regret for what had happened to his son, they would think…

Well.

They’d think a lot of things.

“Think of your health, instead of your death,” Lan Qiren finally said, shaking his head. He’d been helping Lao Nie for years now, fighting a rearguard action against Lao Nie’s own inevitable qi deviation, trying to win enough time for Nie Huaisang to grow up old enough to take over properly, but it was getting harder each visit, the treatment less effective, the healing slower.

It would not be too long now.

“They’re the same thing,” Lao Nie said, shaking his head. “I should have lost my life years ago, instead of losing him his…it’s been so long, Qiren. Every day I wake up is a day I live for him, not for me – living the way he would want me to, doing what he’d approve of. It’s the least I could do. If someone could bring him back to me…someone, anyone, anyone at all…”

His gaze was distant, and sad. Terribly sad.

“What Qinghe Nie? What Unclean Realm? What inheritance?” he finally said.  “There’s nothing I wouldn’t give for that. Nothing at all.”

-

Wen Ruohan was the first.

For some reason, Lao Nie hadn’t been expecting that, though perhaps he should have – the reason he’d first started liking Wen Ruohan so much all those years ago was purely because of how shameless the man was, arrogant and careless of the world in the way only the truly dangerous could be. He’d liked that aspect of his back then, and when he wasn’t lying to himself, he knew he liked it still.

But this?

This was too far.

“How dare you?” he roared, and there was a red haze over his vision of the sort that he knew boded extremely ill for his long-term health. “My Unclean Realm is closed – do you think that you would be welcome? You, of all people?”

Wen Ruohan had forced his way right up to their gate, bringing with him a small retinue rather than the invasion force Lao Nie’s elders were always a little concerned about. As a result, he was now surrounded, surrounded and outnumbered, but he did not seem afraid.

Detestable man.

Lao Nie hated him now. He hated him as much as he’d once liked him.

He hated that he couldn’t hate him more.

“I’m here about the curse,” Wen Ruohan said, and Lao Nie stared at him, utterly speechless. “You did say ‘anyone at all’.”

“You want Qinghe Nie?” Lao Nie asked blankly, though of course he would – Wen Ruohan’s ambitions to take over the entire cultivation world were hardly secret. No, even if that was the first thing that came to his lips, Wen Ruohan’s blatant overreaching wasn’t actually what surprised him.

No, what surprised him was –

“You know it’s not a curse,” he said.

“I do,” Wen Ruohan said, and when he lifted his eyes to meet Lao Nie’s, Lao Nie was surprised to find them bloodshot. Not the familiar sort, the qi deviations of rage the way all Nie sect leaders went eventually, but rather a sort that was even more common than that.

Grief. Sorrow. Guilt.

Regret.

That last one was a word Lao Nie would previously have put money on Wen Ruohan not knowing.

“You said ‘anyone at all’,” Wen Ruohan said again, and it occurred to Lao Nie that that was the part that Wen Ruohan had quoted, the part he was stressing: not the inheritance, not There’s nothing I wouldn’t give, but just that. Anyone at all, Lao Nie had said, and he’d meant it, too. Anyone at all meant anyone.

Even Wen Ruohan.

“Since when do you care?” Lao Nie asked. “You were the one who did it.”

“I did it,” Wen Ruohan admitted. “I was angry at you. I’ve been angry at you for years. I thought I’d cleansed myself of all feeling before you dug the heart out of me, and yet you treated me lightly, giving me only as much of yourself as you wished. I thought that if I could only get rid of you, I could seal my heart up again and be none the worse for it.”

“You would’ve gone mad,” Lao Nie said, feeling irritable. “I told you time and time again, the path of clarity is a dead end. No man can live without feeling emotions. Sorrow may try to trick you into thinking it’s preferable, but in the end...”

Wen Ruohan smiled, humorless. “Sorrow can be very convincing. But that’s not what you asked – you wanted to know why I was here.”

Lao Nie crossed his arms over his chest. “Well, then?”

“You’re still here,” Wen Ruohan said. “My heart is not dead. And I – I nearly murdered a child.”

That brother of his, Lao Nie thought, and he understood.

But what good would his understanding do?

“I have to try to fix it,” Wen Ruohan said. No, not said – he was nearly begging. “Lao Nie, you said anyone. I did it, I acknowledge it. I was wrong. I regret. Let me have a chance to try to fix it.”

“There’s no fixing it,” Lao Nie said, and turned away. “You ran a fool’s errand, Hanhan. He’s not even here.”

[dracosathenaeum]

Great Love Story | D.M.

Summary: Half requested by @dray-cookies !! You and Draco were the couple everyone expected to never break up, so why were you watching Draco look at Pansy the way he use to look at you? As if she were his world.

Warnings: smut, food, violence and swearing

Word Count: 2,241

#A/N: AU, sometime in 7th year. I don't want to solidify any details in case I ever decide to write a part 2

You watched with green in your eyes as Draco brushed Pansy’s soft strands of hair from her face before bringing his hand to rest back on the small of her back. You could still feel the weight of his hand on your back, warm and reassuring. It was almost as if you were seeing the whole scene from an outside perspective, that Pansy wasn’t real, and it was you there.

But you weren’t.

Pansy was sat in what had been your seat just the month before. You heard the whispers that followed you down every hallway and into each room, but you were just as in the dark as they were. “They would’ve never lasted” from bitter Slytherins, or “He seemed happy, they both did I wonder what went wrong.” You had wondered the same thing.

You had never thought you’d break up; you were sure you would make it til the end, that he was the one for you. Call it naïve but you had known each other longer than anyone else; you had been inseparable despite being in different houses and everyone knew how Slytherins felt about interhouse relations. He had quite literally brought you out of your shell and gave you confidence you might’ve never found yourself.

It was only natural that the two of you started dating; natural that one of those long nights studying and just enjoying each other’s company had ended in rushed and desperate kisses; as if you didn’t have all the time in the world. The school had practically fallen over their own feet talking about the two of you. You were the couple that were the centre of attention at the yule ball, the textbook couple that all others compared to, the couple that no one had ever expected to break up.

Yet it happened. 

Sneaking into Draco’s room like you had done so countless times before, you hadn’t expected for him to break up with you. No warnings. No explanation.

You had left his room in a daze; your feet bringing you back to your dorm room through muscle memory alone. You allowed yourself to collapse into your friends arms the second you stepped into the room, watched as theirs mirrored the shock yours contained.  

Everything had been perfect as far as you knew. You were both so happy or so you had thought. Since then he had avoided you at all costs, and the times you did see him, he’d wouldn’t even spare you a glance before turning in the other direction.

//

Draco was looking at Pansy with stars in his eyes, and of course he would. She was everything he could ever want. Her hair that always fell perfectly around her face, never owing a bad hair day; her make up that was light because she never needed to cover up imperfections, just enhance what she already had. And her laugh, the way she tilted her head back, hand covering her mouth as she laughed at something Draco had said, the way he stopped laughing to just admire her. That was what had well and truly broken your heart.

You had never been on bad terms with Pansy; you had a mutual friendship when you had been with Draco; in fact, she had been the one to help sneak you into the Slytherin rooms more often than not. But looking at them together you realised it was never your place to be with him, not when Pansy looked like she was made to be where she was.

You watched him look at her eat and talk to Blaise with the same eyes he used to look at you with. You were split in two; you just didn’t understand how his heart could have changed so quickly, how it was possible for someone who had spent years calling you his world to simply move on before you had even had a chance to realise what had happened. 

Yet the other half knew. Pansy was everything you were but so much more. Why settle for you when he could have her?

“I still can’t believe he and y/n broke up; I mean they were the great love story, if they can’t stay together what hope do the rest of us have?” They thought you couldn’t hear; thought you were too busy talking with your friends to notice the conversations happening literally 2 seats away from you. Or perhaps they were just cruel and wanted to rub salt in the wound hoping for an explanation you couldn’t give.

“I mean he seems happy with Pansy, but it just never occurred to me he’d be with anyone else you know? I thought they were happy together, but I guess we’ll never find out since neither of them talk about it.” Grace bless her soul, threw a pumpkin pasty at the two of them. You watched as the orange coloured filling burst across their uniform staining their shirts and skin. Their heads turned towards you, mouths open ready to argue when they saw Grace with another in her hand. You simply picked up one in your own hand and shared a look with Grace before throwing it.

//

You found yourself in the astronomy tower most nights, after the castle had gone to sleep, when the only thing you had to worry about was being caught by Filch. You’d sit and wait for Draco to show up like he always had, waited for him to tell you it was all one big joke or misunderstanding. But he never did.

You couldn’t stop your brain whirling at 100 miles an hour whenever you were in the tower, but you couldn’t bring yourself to stop going, you had spent so long in here with him; before you had even started dating. You hadn’t just lost a boyfriend but a best friend.

"If you could be reborn as anything, what would it be?"

You could still remember the feel of his calloused in your hair go still as he gave thought to what you asked. “I don’t care what I’m reborn as, as long as I have you, I could be reborn as a fucking pebble for all I care "

His voice and words were rough, but you knew his heart was soft, knew it beat and belonged to you.

So why was it that you were sat there alone at 2am whilst he was probably curled around another girls body.

Shaking your stiff limbs, you made your way back to your dorms not ready to spend yet another night alone, but you’d just have to get used to it. You couldn’t stop your mind as memories played out in your brain, memories of kissing Draco as he dragged you back to the Dungeons, the both of you stumbling over each other, giggling into the night as you tried to make it back to his rooms but instead crashing in the room of requirement once you realised you wouldn’t make it back.

A door appeared to your left, the sight of the heavy wood causing your heart to catch in your throat. You didn’t think it would appear from you reminiscing yet here it was.

Your hands tentatively pushed open the doors, knowing exactly what you find but your eyes still filled with tears when you saw the room look exactly as it had done all those times you stumbled into it.

A master bedroom, books lining the wall of the furthest wall and a window seat, one you had spent so many nights curled up with Draco reading at. You could hear the whispered proclamations of love as the wind from the window whipped around you, you could feel Draco's lips against your neck as you giggled and told him to stop distracting you from reading.

You would sit between his legs, your back to his chest and every time you had finished a page you would tilt your head, wait for him to kiss you as indication to turn the page. It was the comfortable stolen moments like that you had missed the most. If you had known, you would’ve made the most of them, treasured your time with him more; but that was why you were here wasn’t it? There was no way you could’ve known; he played the part of being in love with you too well after all.

You couldn’t stop your memories unravelling as you continued to look around; you remember the feeling of his fingers sliding up the hem of your shirt- his shirt, he had always loved seeing you in his clothes and you loved the comfort they bought you, so you found yourself in them often. You remembered the way your breath used to hitch as his fingers found their goal, rough fingers pulling flimsy lace to the side so they could reach the throbbing heat that waited for him and only him.

You remember him telling you to keep reading, to read aloud to him. So, you did, about the protagonist who was pressed against a male’s front being utterly wrecked by his fingers alone. Draco had followed your every word, his fingers mimicking the actions in the book you read until you could see stars, until you felt like you were drowning in him. You had twisted your body, trying to reach any part of him but he had kept you pressed against him to be fucked by his fingers alone; just the same as the character in the book.

You had barely been able to read the words in front of your eyes, eyes hazy with pleasure; your mind focused only on the way Draco’s fingers felt inside of you. You still remembered the line that made him still, that almost had him loose control and take you there and then. “His eyes held mine as he brought those fingers to his mouth and sucked on them. On the taste of me.” His thumb had immediately reached for your swollen clit, taking him less than three strokes for you to fall apart.

You remembered what it was like in the aftermath; remembered the way he used to hold you tight, murmuring encouragements in your ears as you shook with overstimulation. You remember the haze you felt, his lips bringing you back to reality as you had almost blacked out. You remembered the earth-shattering pleasure that you had never been able to find with your own fingers, but he had learnt to all too easily.

Your eyes caught your own reflection, pupils blown wide open with lust.

It was an oh so familiar sight for you.

Draco had loved taking you in front of mirrors, the way he could see all of you and you could see yourself fall apart on him, loved the power behind it. 

Was he now doing the same to Pansy?

You shook the thoughts from your mind and turned to leave, the memories baring too much for you.

"Watch where you're going." it was as if the universe was truly against you; you had bumped straight into Draco, his arms instinctively reaching out to steady you. You didn’t waste a second to jump out of his arms, caught between wanting to jump back into them and wanting to push him down all the flights of stairs you could.

His voice has lost the natural soft tone that he had always used around you; you instead got the same sour Draco everyone else got; he was no longer yours after all.

You saw a flash of recognition in his eyes as you debated with yourself. Recognition of the way your pupils were the same as they would be all of those times he'd fucked you until you'd forgotten your own name, his own being the only word your mind was capable of remembering.

"Were you in there with someone?" It was calm. His anger. Not the rage that he'd throw at Potter or Weasley often, no this was the calm before the storm. A storm that he himself had caused.

"Would it matter if I was?" you controlled your breathing, your eyes holding steady against his though you knew he could still see in your eyes how affected you still were.

"Of course it matters. I-" he had stopped himself, chest heaving, fingernails leaving crescents in his palm.

"I'm not yours anymore Draco, you made that clear.” He said nothing but the blood dripping from his own lip as he tore the skin was indication enough, he still cared.

“I thought you were happy with me. I- I thought you loved me. What changed?" You couldn't help it as your feelings came tumbling out of your mouth. Your heart raced, this was it, he would explain himself and you could act as if the past torturous month hadn’t happened.

"Fuck whoever you want, whore yourself out for all I care. Just stay out of my way." It was like the guillotine had dropped, your emotions and expression changing instantaneously. You couldn't hide the heartbreak from your eyes, and you knew he could see it.

Your palm met his cheek harder than you thought you were capable of, "Fuck you Malfoy." You saw as his eyes flashed with something, something you didn’t recognise. But then again you didn’t recognise who stood before you now and perhaps he had seen that when you had used his given name and simply walked away.

PART 2 | PART 3

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[the-infamous-coat-of-baron-zemo]

Missed Opportunities | Helmut Zemo x Reader

Here's a little something I cooked up. Not sure what I want to do with it, but it was bugging me to be written. For better or worse.

This is a little Helmut Zemo/Female Reader moment. It has Sam and Bucky too. It's not fully developed, but hopefully you all can enjoy it for what it is.

OOOOO

You were in Germany when you got the call from Sam. He needed help locating the Flag-Smashers, and was hoping you could offer some assistance.

He just happened to call at the perfect time, because as it turns out, the person you went to visit was no longer around. So, since you had essentially made a trip across the ocean for nothing; you figured, why not? Might as well make something of your travels abroad and not make it a total loss.

Sam gave instructions to meet him at a residence in Riga, Latvia. He mentioned very little other than that. Technically though, that wasn't entirely his fault. You're pretty sure he intended to provide more information, but Bucky was shouting, "Hellos.", "You've been missed!", and her personal favorite, an exasperated, "Please save me from my tormentor."

After Bucky's outburst, Sam had seemed to have forgotten about you on the phone; so you were just listening to constant bickering in the background. All you could do was shake your head and laugh at this point. Truly, Earth's greatest defenders were simply children at times.

It was good to hear their laughs. It had been too long and the world was still recovering.

We all were.

Bucky, Sam, and you all disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers, wiping out half the universe. When you all returned, there was love and there was loss all around, but it bonded the three of you in a friendship deeper than any of you could imagine.

Okay, perhaps, that's a slight exaggeration. You became extremely good friends with both James and Sam; however, the two of them are a different story altogether. They won't admit to their friendship, but you know they'll both come around one day. They're just being stubborn idiots. God, she missed those two guys. It's been months since she had laid eyes either one of them.

So, here you are, standing right out front the door Sam gave instructions to meet at.

You fiddled with the arm of the backpack strapped across your chest. You didn't think you'd be this nervous, but a combination of excitement and adrenaline had caused you to be a bit jumpy. You tried to shrug it off as you raised your hand to knock on the door.

Not even 10 seconds after you knocked on the door you heard the shuffle of footsteps, accompanied with the ever present response of, "I got it."

Only the footsteps halted abruptly and muffled discussions were faintly heard through the door. You couldn't make out what was being said, only that no further movement had been made to answer the door.

I swear to God, if they are simply having an argument about who gets to open the door, I am going to murder them both on the spot.

You were about to knock on the door again a bit more insistently, but you never got the chance as the door abruptly swung open to reveal Bucky.

As you stared back at one another, you couldn't help but noticed his tense appearance, which is not all that unusual for him, but it was a more strained posture. You assumed it had something to do with whatever was being talked about just moments prior to answering the door.

It couldn't have been too serious because seconds later he dropped all pretense and gave you a heartfelt smile before sweeping you up in his arms for a hug.

He all but dragged you inside, it only caused you to chuckle at his enthusiasm. Yeah, you had missed him a lot.

The hug continued to linger on, and you could hear the door behind you close. You were about to motion to Bucky to release you from his hold when you heard Sam pipe in highly amused, "Buck, give her some room to breath."

You could feel the glare James was giving Sam, but he did let you go eventually.

Upon the release from your hug, the sleeves of your blue hoodie had drifted past your hands; you pushed them up a bit where you could grab James's hand and squeeze it in silent thanks.

After letting go of Bucky, you turned around to face Sam, shaking your head and grinning at him with delight, "Never a dull moment around here is there?"

"Never," Sam replied. "It's my turn, now," holding his arms out, he smiled pulling you into a softer embrace, but no less enthusiastic.

You huffed out a laugh and hugged him back with equal fervor.

A few moments had passed, and you reluctantly untangled yourself from Sam. More pleasantries had been exchanged and small talk had filled up the space as you walked fully into open living space.

You did a turn about the room as you headed towards the kitchen area with the guys trailing behind you. You had grabbed the strap of your backpack and had lifted it over your head.

You were about to place your stuff on the kitchen island when you heard soft footfalls make their way from the outer hallway towards you.

The unexpected noise caused you to hesitate; you turned your head towards Sam and James with a puzzled expression on your face. You had opened your mouth with the intention to ask them who else was in the safe house with you, when you saw him.

The backpack you were holding had fallen out of your hands and onto the floor with a thud, but you couldn't tear your eyes off the man standing across the room from you now. Your face had gone completely slack jaw and eyes had widen in shock leaving you speechless.

You would normally have said something quippy in this moment, but your brain had stopped functioning.

The silence was finally broken from Sam's response to the situation.

"Okay, I know what this looks like. We can explain him," Sam cautiously said. "Actually, Bucky should be the one to share this story, since it was his idea."

You could hear the words Sam was saying, but they never really registered. You assumed he thought you were shocked because the man who stood in front of you once tore your friends a part. Because he was supposed to be in a prison in Germany. Any other number of reasons could potentially be listed. What Sam didn't realize, was that the man standing before you was the last person you saw before you disintegrated before his eyes, and this was the first time since that chaos you had seen him again.

Other than Sam's calm reply, it was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Perhaps it was because the same look of shock and awe was reflected on Zemo's face.

You tried to form a response, something, anything to say.

Neither Sam or Bucky knew you used to visit Zemo after he was imprisoned. Whenever you travelled to Germany, you would tell them you had a contact that only agreed to provide information face to face. They never put two and two together, but they also trusted you implicitly; so they had no reason to ever question your motives or who exactly you were going to see. You actually saw Zemo a fair amount of time. More often than not, it was always to learn about the inner workings of Hydra. While they may be diminished in capacity; they still had not been completely eradicated. And you were determined to locate and destroy every remaining Hydra base, and dismantle them once and for all. They took your parents from you, and you were going to make sure they couldn't hurt anyone ever again. So, Zemo had been the obvious choice to help gain as much information as possible in your quest.

So, over the course of 2 years, you had made several trips to see him. You could almost say you were on friendly terms, but mostly, you believed his kindness and willingness to provide information was a benefit to him. To interact with someone on the outside to remind him he's not completely alone in the world.

The last time you saw each other was a day like any other you would come to visit. You'd lean outside his glass cell and just talk. The prison only allotted an hour's visit. So you always had to make your time worth while.

This particular day was colder than usual for the time of year. And being left outside the prison hallway where Zemo's cell was located only caused the draft to further lower the temperature with the concrete walls. You had involuntarily shivered as a cold draft had blasted in from one of hallways. Zemo had taken notice and unzipped his hoodie, passing it off to the guard to hand over to you. In that moment, the realization came that things were no longer black and white between the two of you. When you asked him why, he simply shrugged and said it's what any gentleman should do. His expression had softened though and was no longer outwardly indifferent. You had put on the blue garment and zipped it up; tugging at the sleeves as the hoodie was much larger on your frame than his.

There was only about 30 minutes left of your visit when alarm bells started going off. Zemo had pushed himself against the glass to look down the closest hallway to try and see what was going on. You had tried to remain calm, but when the guard standing nearby had disappeared right in front of you both, you knew something was dreadfully wrong.

With visible panic on your face, you had whispered out the word Thanos to Zemo. You'll never forget what happened next or the expression on his face. There was a hitch in your lungs and a strong tugging sensation drifting through your chest. You stumbled into the glass and fell to your knees in front of Zemo. You had slumped onto your side trying to concentrate on what was happening to you. You peered up at Zemo as he had slid himself down the glass to your level gazing at you in concern. You could hear him shouting for help, but there was no one around. You placed your hand on the glass to get his attention, and only then did you realize, you had tears in your eyes.

He brought his hand up on the other side of the glass and placed it against where yours was. Funny how an instance can change everything between two people. You saw his eyes widen and that's when you noticed the right side of your body started to turn to dust. All you had time to say was, "I'm sorry," before you completely disintegrated before him, leaving him, no doubt, alone once again.

You would have laughed at the expression on his face now if you knew it hadn't been the first time he's seen you since....what happened. But there was nothing really funny about the situation.

You weren't quite sure what to do, but your feet made the decision for you as you slowly made your way to stand directly in front of Zemo.

It's the first time you've stood together without any glass between you both. He's a bit taller than you, but not by miles; you're chin roughly comes up to his shoulder.

You see him swallow as if he's also thinking of something to say, but instead you see him raise his hand up and start to reach out to touch you, but stops before actually doing it. Internally, you make your choice for him and reach up with your hand and grab the one he's left hanging in the air. It's just a light touch, almost as if you're both worried the other might not be real.

Zemo glanced down at you holding onto his hand and back at you briefly. He squeezed your hand gently and then you heard him release a harsh breath before gripping your hand tighter and yanking you into his arms.

You barely had time to think about what was happening before you were enveloped into the most emotional hug you've ever felt.

The reaction was unexpected, but then so were the circumstances you were in, so nothing should really surprise you, but you were. Your arms were slightly hovering over his back, not entirely sure at that moment what you wanted to do, as you were still in shock. But, after a brief pause you brought your arms firmly around his body and hugged Zemo back with just as much care and buried your face in the crook of his shoulder. You heard him mumbling words into the side of your head, but couldn't understand what he was really saying.

Time could have been standing still for the infinite period we were latched onto one another. It wasn't until the clearing of Bucky's throat that jarred us out of the moment. The noise wasn't loud, but the room had been so silent until then; it sounded like a freight train.

Realization must have hit us both at the same time that we weren't alone in the room, and we jumped apart as if lightning had struck us both.

At this point, you were looking at anything in room, but Zemo. You started playing with the ends of your sleeves in nervousness when Sam spoke up in a very slow and deliberate manner, "Would you care to explain to us, what is going on?"

"I thought you were going to have Bucky explain to me, why Zemo's not in prison!" you say back, not ready at all to try and explain things. You still needed to wrap your own head around it, before attempting to share your brief history with Zemo.

"Oh, no doll. This can wait," James answered. You could tell he was not happy, but maybe more confused than anything by how he responded.

Both were assessing Zemo to try and figure out if this is some sort of game to him. Bucky had reached out to grab your arm and pulled you gently away from the criminal mastermind and closer to them to instinctually protect you from him.

You outwardly sighed, knowing there was a long conversation about to happen.

Zemo took a step forward and James took a step back bringing you with him. Sam seemed perturbed over the entire situation, but Zemo spoke up first.

"Is that, what I think it is?" he said. Zemo cocked his head to the side and eyed you with amusement.

You silently shook off the hold Bucky has on you and raise an eyebrow at him to not try that again. You swiveled back to Zemo, placing your hands on your hips. Confusion was written clearly on your face as you answered him back, "Could you be a little less vague?" A small smile graced your face in reply.

Zemo pointed at your midsection and a smug expression appeared on his face.

"I must say, you look quite fetching in my clothes."

You were physically startled by his comment. You had forgotten you were wearing his hoodie. It's why you went to Germany. To return it to him, but when you found out he was no longer there, you realized you were going to have to either keep it permanently or track him down. Sam's call came in before you could make that decision. Fate really is something else.

Your hands grabbed the fabric of the hoodie as you closed your eyes and ducked your head. You could feel the embarrassment threatening to turn your whole face red.

You started to shuffled away knowing an immediate outburst was coming from both of her friends. What Zemo just said, implied so many different things. So, of course Sam and Bucky would start shouting without having any context to the situation of how you acquired a piece of his clothing.

If the floor could have opened up at that moment, you would have appreciated it.

Sam and Bucky were both visibly upset and clearly about to start a fight with Zemo, but thankfully Sam, being the more even tempered of the group, stopped Bucky from doing anything. He had shrugged off Sam and stared at you with hurt on his face.

You exhaled shakily as things started to calm down. You dared to catch a glimpse of Zemo, and of course, out of everyone here, he seemed to thoroughly enjoy causing the chaos he wrought with his sly comment.

If looks could kill, he would have been flayed alive.

"Enough," you said to everyone. It was time to clear the air. "Let's all just take a seat."

You had gotten exasperated by the entire situation and turned to Bucky and Sam, "Do you automatically have to jump to conclusions? Do you not think there is a perfectly logical explanation, somewhere?" You had slapped your hands down by your sides and turned to Zemo. He looked as if he were about to say something, but you cut him off pointing a finger at him.

"And you. Big trouble. Don't even get me started."

As you stared at Zemo; he at least had the decency to appear somewhat contrite at your scolding. You could still tell he was mildly amused about the whole situation.

You saw Sam had taken a seat and started to wave you over to where he and Bucky were.

"Start talking," he said.

"I'm not sure where to start," you answered, pacing back and forth.

"How about the beginning?" Bucky parroted out arms crossed in front of him, he was clearly still a bit defensive.

"The beginning. Right. Sure. I can do that," you stopped to think about how to start, but everything just seemed to be as if you were actually hiding something from them, when you weren't. It just never came up, and The Blip was emotional for everyone.

Truth be told, you would like to avoid this conversation at all costs. For many reasons, some you're not ready to deal with.

Zemo had spoke up while you were deciding how to broach the subject at hand.

"If I may," he spoke.

The three of us had answered him simultaneously, "No!"

Yeah, it was going to be a long day.

OOOOO

[rafael-silva]

we remain: a tarlos fic

Missing scenes from 2.12. Takes place after Carlos and Gabriel’s phone call. 

*

“He on his way?”

Carlos nodded. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard him sound so upset before.”

Gabriel’s arrival after the fire leads to him taking Carlos and TK home, where Andrea is waiting for them with some much-needed motherly comfort. Reeling from the fire and its damage, Carlos feels heavy and lost. He leans on his boyfriend and TK is there to catch him. Carlos comes to a realization and with TK’s help and guidance, Carlos finds his footing again.  

missing scenes, angst, emotional hurt/comfort, carlos needs a hug, kisses, sharing a bath, soft tarlos

4.5k | rated T | on ao3

*****

“He on his way?”

Carlos nodded. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard him sound so upset before.”

Carlos had zoned out of the conversation jumping between Judd, Owen, Tommy and Billy as they all stood by the opened ambulance doors. He’d hear TK’s voice whenever the young paramedic would say a word here or there, but Carlos’s eyes kept drifting back to what remained of his, and briefly his and TK’s, home. The stench of smoke and burnt wood hung heavy in the air around him. He almost felt lightheaded as he surveys what little remains of the life he built for himself over the past few years. Carlos feels like he’s free falling, the only thing keeping him from crumbling is TK’s hand in his, strong, supportive and there. Carlos holds onto his boyfriend with everything he’s got, both needing the support and needing to know that TK is really here and next to him.

He looses track of time, but soon, his ears pick up on a worried voice calling from behind, a familiar voice. But it seems so far away, so distant, like he’s underwater and someone is calling for him from above.

Carlos slowly turns around, his hand still clasping TK’s, and it’s then he registers his father rushing towards him.

“Carlitos,” Gabriel calls again, his voice coated with concern and his eyes blown wide.

“Dad,” Carlos whispers, his voice hoarse as he breaks away from TK’s side and takes a couple of steps to meet his father.

“Hey, son,” Gabriel breathes out and wastes no time in wrapping Carlos in a hug.

Exhausted, mentally and emotionally, Carlos falls against his father, closing his eyes as a tear falls down his ashy cheek. He gravitates closer to Gabriel and the older man tightens his hold him.

Carlos can hear Gabriel murmuring words of support and comfort and Carlos soaks it all up. But it doesn’t stop his body from shaking in his father’s arms.

“It’s okay, son, it’s okay,” Gabriel continues with his reassurances, and after a glance towards the ambulance and seeing TK standing near Judd, looking shaken but otherwise unharmed, he adds, “you’re both okay.”

Gabriel’s hold on Carlos doesn’t falter until Carlos starts to calm down. The officer draws in a breath and is about to say something but those words are interrupted by a rough cough tearing through his throat.

Gabriel frowns and he’s the one who pulls back slightly, eyebrows drawn together and closely watching his son’s face as the coughing fit continues.

“Carlos,” Gabriel says once his son can answer, “are you sure you don’t need to be in the hospital?”

“It’s fine,” Carlos replies around a grimace, pausing to suck in some air and swallows against his parched throat. “I got checked out, we both did, and it’s just minor smoke inhalation.”

“Son…” Gabriel tries again.

“We’re okay, dad.”

Carlos’s shoulders are hunched downwards like they were carrying the weight of the world and then some and Gabriel sighs, hating how worn out and tired his son looks. Carlos looks so deflated, so small and it breaks Gabriel’s heart.

“I’m so glad you’re okay, that you both are,” Gabriel expresses, his eyes not leaving Carlos’s. “I was so worried.”

Carlos nods, sniffing. “For a moment in there, I…I thought we weren’t going to make it out…the fire was everywhere, the whole house was…even in the bedroom. We were about to jump out of the window when Owen…” he trails off, his voice breaking. He bites down on his lower lip as fresh tears build in his eyes, as he recalls those terrifying moments. As he recalls the words he stumbled over, the fear echoing as he spoke, thinking it would be the last time he’d ever talk to TK.

Gabriel momentarily shuts his own eyes, his soul shattering at the mere thought of his son not making it out of the fire, and knowing that that was a very real possibility shakes him to his core. And even more so, knowing that he was partly responsible for this disaster, that his actions could have inadvertently caused his son to get hurt or worse, or caused his son to lose the man he loves. Gabriel knows he’s never going to forgive himself for this. His mind drifts back to the frantic call he had received from Owen less than an hour ago.

Gabriel had frowned slightly when the caller ID lit up with Owen’s name. Something stirred in the Ranger’s gut then, telling him that something was wrong.

“Owen,” Gabriel had picked up.

“Gabriel,” Owen replied, his strained voice confirmed Gabriel’s instincts. “Have you heard from Carlos recently?” He asked, forgoing any pleasantries.

The question made Gabriel sit up a little straight, any remnants of fatigue from their long day immediately evaporated from his bones. He took a quick glance at Andrea, who was moving to get into bed next to him, before he answered Owen.

“Not for a few hours…why?”

“Raymond, we know he wasn’t done. Remember what he said? That he’s going to take everything that’s important to me? I thought he was talking to me,” Owen paused and Gabriel heard the sound of the car accelerating.

Dread had begun to build in Gabriel’s gut as he waited for Owen to continue.

“I thought he meant the 126. But the fire at the station wasn’t what he was talking about. At least not completely. Gabriel…I didn’t realize it sooner but he was talking to us both.”

Gabriel’s blood ran cold and his heart dropped into his stomach when Owen’s word sunk in and he realized. “The boys…”

“Yeah, I’ve been trying to reach TK but it keeps going to voicemail.”

“Hold on,” Gabriel said as he turned to his wife. “Call Carlos.”

It was Andrea’s turn to frown, confusion morphing on her face but the urgency behind her husband’s words had her instantly reaching for her phone and calling their son. She shook her head a few moments later.

“Voicemail,” she informs Gabriel, her voice thick with worry now.

“Try again.”

“You’ve reached Carlos, leave a message and I’ll call you back.”

Gabriel squeezed his eyes shut, drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Carlos’s phone keeps going to voicemail, too.”

“I’ll keep trying TK, I’m on my way there now and we called it in,” Owen said.

“I’ll meet you there,” Gabriel replied as he got out of bed.

He turned to Andrea again once he hung up the phone, the feeling of helplessness sinking deeper into his body and he could see his own fear reflected back at him.

He didn’t really know where to begin, but he settled for, “the boys are in danger.”

He wasted no time in getting dressed and driving towards the condo, sending silent prayer after prayer that the boys were okay, that Owen would get there in time. He didn’t realize he’d been holding his breath until he gets a phone call with his son’s voice on the other end five minutes before he arrived. Relief washed over him, and the surge of emotions was enough to break his usually strong composure, making his hand shake as he gripped the steering wheel.

He breaks from his thoughts when he hears Carlos shakily exhale and a hand goes to cup Carlos’s face, Carlos instinctively leaning into his father’s palm.

“You made it out, son, you’re here and that’s the most important thing. We’ll figure out everything else, okay?”

Carlos nods again and starts composing himself, his hands going to hold at the blanket around him and adjusts it over his shoulders.

Gabriel gently pats his cheek and gives him a sad smile before withdrawing his hand and they make their way over to TK and the others.

“I’m glad you’re okay,” Gabriel tells TK, lightly clapping him on the shoulder.

“Thank you, sir,” TK responds, moving back to Carlos’s side.

“Owen,” Gabriel then extends his hand towards the fire captain, “thank you.”

Owen nods and shakes Gabriel’s hand. “It wasn’t just me, though.”

Gabriel then looks at Judd, Tommy and Billy. “Thank you all, truly.”

“Don’t mention it,” Judd replies. “Carlos is family and we do anything for family.”

Gabriel’s heart swells at Judd’s statement and at seeing that there’s a village of people looking out for his son.

Gabriel nods his thanks at Judd before turning to Tommy. “Captain Vega, thank you for being here.”

The Paramedic Captain nods. “Of course, I wanted to make sure the boys were okay for myself.”

“They’re going to be okay?”

“Dad…” Carlos groans.

“This is for your mother,” Gabriel turns to look at Carlos. “She made me promise to make absolute sure that you’re okay, from everyone.”

“They’re okay,” Tommy confirms. “I checked them both over myself, they’re going to be a little tired and weak for a few days, so they have to take it easy,” she pauses to look directly at TK, who shifts on his feet under the attention and leans into Carlos, “but they’ll be recovered in less than a week,” she continues. “They just need to rest.”

Satisfied, Gabriel nods. His eyes move back to Carlos, who’s looking at the few scorched frames that are still standing. Gabriel feels the guilt start to build again, both at seeing the ruined house and the broken look on Carlos’s face. He knows he’ll have to talk to Carlos about this, to tell him what caused this. He’s worried it’s going to cause another rift in their relationship they’ve only started to mend, but he knows that he’d deserve that if it happens. He kept information from his son and his son lost his home, his son almost didn’t make it out. His guilt is only increased at missing the true meaning behind Raymond’s threat. It was right there, right in front of him, but he missed it. He can’t help but wonder if only he had caught it before, if he had realized, maybe this tragedy wouldn’t have happened. Maybe Carlos wouldn’t look so crushed right now.

But he missed it, and it almost cost him his boy. It almost cost his son the man he loves. He’s standing in these ruins and his heart clenches in his chest. Those are things he’s going to have to live with for the rest of his life. And he’s going to do whatever it takes to earn his son’s forgiveness.

Seeing how heavy and worn-out Carlos looks, Gabriel decides to keep an eye on his for the time being, to make sure he’s okay, and here. To make sure both he and TK are okay. It’s the least he could do.

Feeling his father’s gaze, Carlos turns to look at him and Gabriel responds with placing a hand on his shoulder.

“Are you ready to go?” Gabriel asks.

Carlos’s breath hitches a little, looking back at the house and then at TK. He knows there’s nothing to be done, the house is gone and he can’t do a single thing about it.

Besides, what remains of the house is still swarming with firefighters so he can’t go back in even if he wanted to. But still, it feels like his feet are nailed to the ground and he can’t move an inch, fixated on the burnt ash lying ahead of him.

TK appearing in his line of sight breaks Carlos out of his haze.

“Babe,” TK starts, both hands going to hold Carlos’s face. He caresses Carlos’s cheeks with the pads of his thumbs, not breaking their eye contact.

Carlos focuses on TK, on his green eyes that stand out against the black ash painting his face, and it helps calm the officer.

TK suppresses a cough before he continues. “I think you should go with your dad,” he voices. “I know being close to your parents tonight will help, baby. And I’m sure your mom wants to see you. I’ll be fine, I just want to make sure you’ll be okay.”

Carlos shakes his head at the implication that he and TK would be spending the night apart. It’s true, he knows being close to his parents will help him and his parents feel a little better, but he can’t be away from TK, not right now, not when he’s still picking up the pieces of his broken heart, when he can still feel the smoke getting thicker around them, when he can still feel the dread in his gut at the realization that this could have been the end for him and TK. Not when the fear is still coursing through his veins and the roar of the fire hadn’t completely quietened in his ears.

Carlos knows TK doesn’t want to impose and assume he can go home with Carlos to Gabriel and Andrea’s. He knows TK wants to give him what he needs. But the bottom line is, he needs TK. He won’t go anywhere without him.

Gabriel picks up on Carlos’s hesitation and jumps in. “TK is more than welcome to come with us. And he’s right, your mother is eager to see you, son. And I know she wants to make sure that TK is okay, too.”

Carlos relaxes ever so slightly at that, a little of tension in his shoulders fading away. He swallows and nods. Being apart from TK right now would have felt like his heart was being ripped out of his chest.

With a look between TK and Owen, TK’s eyes saying I can’t leave him and a nod from the older man, it’s decided.

“I’m not going anywhere, I’m right here,” TK promises and wraps Carlos in a hug, holding him just like he had earlier.

Carlos buries his face in TK’s neck, and underneath all the soot and sweat and ash, he could still smell the scent that is TK and it helps soothe his hammering heart.

“My phone, well,” TK tells Owen after he and Carlos separate, gesturing to the nearly empty space behind them. “I’ll text or call from Mr. Reyes’s phone.”

“Okay, son,” Owen nods, making a mental note to get TK a new phone and pulls him into a hug. “Take care of each other.”

With quick goodbyes to Owen, Tommy, Judd and Billy, the three men walk to the Ranger’s truck and climb in.

Carlos doesn’t have the energy to look back, but he steals a glimpse of what was once his home through the right side mirror. His heart feels heavy in his chest as the remaining structure gets smaller and smaller, eventually disappearing out of view. And it’s just then, it truly sinks in that almost everything he’s built for himself, is gone.

He sighs, leaning his head back against the headrest and closes his eyes. He feels the pull of sleep but there’s still residual adrenaline pumping through his veins, keep him on edge. He settles for resting his eyes and hopes it will ease the sting from the smoke.

The drive to Andrea and Gabriel’s house is spent in silence. Carlos only opens his eyes when he feels the truck slowing and comes to a stop a few moments later, followed by Gabriel turning off the ignition to indicate they’ve arrived.

Carlos takes a moment to look at his parents’ house through the window before moving to get out of the truck. The front door is torn open and he spots his mother quickly walking towards him before his feet hit the ground.

“Ma,” Carlos whispers and a second later, he’s being held in his mother’s embrace.

“Oh, Carlitos,” Andrea sighs, taking on most of Carlos’s weight as he slumps against her.

There’s a considerable height difference between them, Carlos having to lean down to hug his mother, but in this moment, in Carlos’s current state, he feels like a small boy in her arms as he further curls against her and she feels like a giant holding him close.

She doesn’t let go of Carlos, a steady arm on his back, but she extends her other to TK when he appears behind her son. He reaches out to her, their hands connecting and she gives his hand a supportive squeeze, which TK responds to with a nod. He has missed a motherly touch.

“Let’s get you boys inside,” Gabriel’s voice breaks the silence, noticing how Carlos and TK are standing on wobbly legs.

Andrea nods and reluctantly pulls back from Carlos, her eyes still glued to his face and her heart breaks some more at noticing the black botches littering his skin and the redness sitting inside his eyes.

“We’re okay, Ma,” Carlos reassures her, his voice still scratchy and low. He gives her the best smile he could muster, although it doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

She nods again and returns the smile, unshed tears shimmering in her brown eyes. “Come on, like your father said, let’s get you inside. I made some soup and fixed up your old room for you boys,” Andrea announces as she leads the men inside.

Carlos is engulfed with memories of his childhood as soon as he walks through the door. He feels his heart lighten a little and TK was right, being here does offer some comfort he so desperately needs.

TK immediately senses that through their cosmic connection, and squeezes Carlos’s hand. Carlos glances over his shoulder and gives TK a small smile.

“I knew you’d be coming here,” Andrea continues. “Call it mother’s intuition, but I knew.”

Carlos nods and looks back at TK and they have a silent conversation then, their eyes meeting and speaking a thousands words and thoughts through brown and green gates. Concern, reassurance, love, all radiating between them, an invisible string always connecting them.

“There are some fresh towels on the bed, and I’ll reheat the soup so it’s ready when you’re done cleaning up and getting changed.”

“Thanks, Ma,” Carlos gives Andrea another hug, drawing strength from her.

She kisses his cheek when they separate and then moves to hug TK. “Thank God both of you are okay.”

Andrea and Gabriel watch as Carlos slowly leads TK up the stairs and only when they disappear down the hall does Andrea turn to her husband.

“I’d feel better if they stayed here for a few days,” she says.

Gabriel nods. “Me too.”

“They’re shaken, but they’re going to be okay, they have each other and they have us and Owen, TK’s team…it’s going to be okay,” Andrea expresses.

Upstairs, TK follows Carlos into the room and closes the door behind them. Carlos takes TK’s shock blanket and discards both blankets into the laundry bin next to the door. With a heavy sigh, he drops on the edge of the bed, leaning forward and places his face in his hands.

TK wants to look around the room, to catch glimpses of Carlos’s childhood and teen years in the books and comics lined up on the shelves, in the posters hung on the walls, in the certificates proudly framed and the medals and trophies neatly organized together. But he pushes that to the side for now, he can do that later. Right now, Carlos needs him.

TK moves towards the bed and sits on Carlos’s left. He wraps an arm around Carlos’s hunched shoulders and draws him close, the officer easily going with him. Carlos removes his face from his hands and settles against TK’s chest, closing his eyes when he feels the kiss TK drops to the top of his head.

Carlos’s hair smells of smoke and ash but TK can smell his boyfriend’s mint-scented shampoo underneath it all. In more ways than one, that mint scent has become TK’s home.

There are no words to be said, not really, so they just stay like that for what seems like hours. TK holding Carlos, running a hand up and down his arm while Carlos listens to TK’s heartbeat as it echoes against his ear, strong and steady. And in its own way, this moment says everything that needs to be said.

TK is the one to break the silence.

“We should get cleaned up, babe,” TK whispers, not wanting to completely shatter the quiet. “And then we’ll have some soup and we’ll sleep.”

Carlos untangles himself from TK but remains close to him, their thighs and sides still touching. He knows sleeping won’t be easy, that there are likely a few nightmares awaiting in the dark, and he knows TK knows that too, but he doesn’t voice it. Instead he nods, eyes drifting to the towels next to them.

“Don’t worry about those, I’ll get them,” TK says, breathing through the urge to cough but a couple of cough escape through his lips. “Do you want to shower alone or together?”

“Together,” Carlos immediately replies, and a light blush colors his cheeks.

The blush draws a light, playful chuckle from TK, and the sound brings a small smile to Carlos’s face.

“Okay, babe,” TK nods. “That’s what I was thinking, too.”

They navigate to the bathroom hand in hand, hearing a soft hum coming from downstairs as Andrea and Gabriel watch tv. TK closes and locks the door behind them, and they both start to undress. Their soiled clothes meet in a pile on the floor and Carlos’s eyes linger there for a few moments. As far as he knows, this is everything of theirs that survived the fire. A shirt, a hoodie, two pairs of sweatpants, two pairs socks and two pairs of shoes. That’s it. That is what remains of the life he, and then he and TK, had built. It sends a painful pang echoing through his chest.

The sound of the water spray hitting the marble brings him back from his thoughts, his head snapping up to see TK adjusting the water temperature.

He takes TK’s offered hand and they both step under the water, letting it run down their skin and wash away the physical evidence of the fire.

They take turns caring for each other, lathering up shampoo in their palms and running their fingers through each other’s hair as they wash away all the soot and ash and dirt. They brush soft kisses to each other’s body as they go along, kisses to shoulders, cheeks, hands, necks. Little reminders that they’re okay. They melt against each other, needing to know they’re both there, both giving and receiving in every way they can. They step out when the water starts to run clear and it gets a little cool, drying up with the towels and retreating back to Carlos’s bedroom.

Carlos opens the closet and retrieves some of the clothes he leaves there and lays them on the bed. Two pairs of sweatpants, an old police academy t-shirt for him and a similarly old police academy hoodie for TK.

TK gives him a smile when he notices the hoodie.

They change in silence and TK is about to head out but Carlos’s holds his hand to stop him. TK turns to face his boyfriend and moves back towards him.

“I just…I just need a moment,” Carlos explains, pushing out a small cough.

“Yeah, of course,” TK nods. “Whatever you need.”

Carlos hovers by the foot of the bed for a few seconds, shifting his weight between his feet and swallows. His hands begin to shake on their own accord and his head falls forward. TK instantly takes Carlos’s hands in his and applies a reassuring pressure to them, giving Carlos something to focus on and to help ground him.

“Baby, look at me,” TK pleads.

Carlos slowly lifts his gaze to meet TK’s beautiful eyes. He sees tears swimming against the green irises, sees the concern TK is carrying for him, sees TK’s own pain and fear.

“We’re okay,” TK vows. “I know this won’t go away overnight, I know there’s a lot for us to deal with, I know there’s a lot to feel. But I also know that we have each other, and we’ll rebuild our life together. I promise you. I’m not going anywhere. I swear it to you, Carlos, I’m not leaving your side. And everything you need to feel, feel it. I will be here to catch you.”

Carlos blinks, sending a tear rolling down his cheek. “I thought…when I thought we weren’t going to make it, I started missing everything we would be, everything we had yet to do together. I could see it so clearly, a flash of what we’d become together and then it was gone. I felt that loss, I felt the loss of us and it…” he shakes his head, “it hurt so much.”

TK plants a kiss to Carlos’s forehead. “I know, babe, I was scared too, because there’s still so much we didn’t do together and I was terrified we’d never get to do all those things, that it would be over when it’s only just begun for us…but we’re here, we’re alive, and we have each other,” TK wipes at Carlos’s fallen tears.

Looking into TK’s eyes, feeling and seeing his love and his passion, and feeling the love and passion he has for TK flutter in his chest in return, Carlos reevaluates an earlier thought.

Those clothes aren’t the only things that survived the fire. They survived. Their love survived.

They lost their home, yes, but Carlos realizes then, maybe home is a person. And he knows in his heart now that he found his home in TK.

TK cards his fingers through Carlos’s wet curls and touches his forehead to Carlos’s as they breathe together.

TK leans in, brushing soft kisses to each side of Carlos’s mouth and then one to his lips. Carlos moves in for another kiss when TK starts to pull back.

“Ready?” TK asks when they eventually separate after a few more exchanges of gentle kisses.

Carlos takes TK’s hand and nods, feeling the warmth of TK’s touch seeping into his skin.

“Ready,” Carlos replies and lets TK lead them out of the room and down the stairs where Andrea and Gabriel greet them with soft smiles.

And watching the love of his life engaged in a light conversation with his mother as she serves their food, and feeling his father’s reassurance presence at his side, Carlos nods to himself.

His eyes move back to land on TK, who softly laughs at something Andrea said and Carlos’s own lips curl upwards into a smile at the sight.

Carlos knows it’s going to be a tough road ahead, but for the first time since discovering the fire, hope starts to blossom in his chest.

Sensing his gaze, TK turns, easily finding Carlos’s eyes. For a moment, the rest of the house disappears and it’s just the two of them as they exchange the smiles that are reserved only for each other.

TK turns to Andrea when she says something and with his eyes still focused on TK, Carlos thinks, yeah, we remain.

[endureandplay]

The Last of Us 2 - Symbolism of Eyes

---MAJOR SPOILER WARNING----

I would like to talk about something that really stuck with me after playing The Last of Us 2, and which really made me think a lot. This is gonna be a loong post lol. Not sure anybody will read this. 

We know that the motto of the Fireflys is "When you're lost in the darkness, look for the light." Quite obviously, the ongoing problem addressed in The Last of Us 2 is that our characters “have stopped looking for the light.” The game revolves around blind hate, revenge and retaliation. And loss as the origin of those. 

Ellie’s journal entries are as dark as can be. Most of them are dedicated to Joel of course. You’ll probably have noticed that she never draws his eyes. All she does is practice drawing eyes a lot. What’s more, she keeps talking about feeling blind herself, she says she’s lost the light.

For me, it’s like she doesn’t see any hope, no joy, no future in which she can find true happiness ever again. She’s *had* this hope. She wanted to forgive Joel for what he did, start anew. They’ve wasted a lot of time because Ellie understandably couldn’t forgive him so easily for what he’s done. At the end of the game, we get to see the last conversation that happened between them, the night before Joel dies. In this conversation, Ellie tells him that she “would like to try” to forgive him. And that’s probably the moment they reconnected after years of distance, tension and resentment. Ellie speaks of this last conversation in one of her early journal entries: 

I was thinking about the meaning of Ellie not being able to draw his eyes. One that came to my mind is that whenever she tries to imagine them, all she can see is his disfigured face right before he dies. 

Ellie looked him in the eyes and begged for him to get up. It was the last time they really looked each other in the eyes, had this connection, maybe saw all the things they went through together flash before them right before it was taken away from them. We find out that she has PTSD or something very similar to it when she lives on the farm with Dina. She can’t get the images out of her head: 

Despite them having other people in their lives after settling in Jackson, they complemented and gave each other what they needed the most. 

Despite Ellie saying it, we know that they they could never be done with each other, because too much connects them. That’s what the first game was all about, after all. 

Ellie had hurt Joel over and over again. He’s not a hero, but we love him, because we love Ellie, and because we can understand why he did what he did. And Ellie does too. Her pain and hurt is just as understandable. She met him with almost cruel resentment and rejection all the time, got angry at him for small things, even when he meant well (like after she kissed Dina). 

It’s this fight they had that she remembers right before deciding to finish what she’s started, to find Abby and kill her. When she couldn’t sleep on that farm, she got up, went to her room, closed the window, knocked over the guitar and thought of that night. 

And I don’t think this is all about revenge. I think Ellie feels deeply guilty for having been to him that way, because she understands how much she means to him, and because she understands how deeply hurt and broken he is himself. She never wanted things to be like this between them, and she just wanted to forgive him in the end - she loves him and understands his pain better than anybody else.  

But she never got to get things right. This chance was taken away from them, her forgiveness came “too late”. I think Ellie is so deeply broken herself, and I feel like she hates herself. Hates that she was the one who didn’t turn when Riley did. That her life only would have mattered if they killed her to make a cure. All these years, she was mean and cruel toward him. Now he’s dead, and part of her wants to make it up to him. 

By wanting to kill Abby, she doesn’t only want to avenge Joel, she wants to redeem herself. 

Notice how she can’t draw Joel’s and Abby’s eyes, but she can draw JJ’s and Jesse’s eyes? 

I think that that she can’t draw their eyes has a good reason. With Joel, it’s not only that she can’t get the images out of her head. I also don’t think it’s because she can’t remember what he looked like - I think she can. All too well. 

I think it’s because if she imagined his eyes before her, it’s like Joel would reflect everything she does and did. His eyes would “stare” at her, as she wrote in one journal entry, but then she replaced it with “smile”. She associates him with warmth and love, but what she does is losing herself. And he’d never want that. She does things that deeply traumatize her more and more. She tortures people, kills a pregnant woman. Looking him in the eyes would mean reflecting on her actions and on herself. Putting loved ones at risk and prioritizing revenge while neglecting her family and other relationships. Looking him in the eyes would mean for her to acknowledge that Joel would never condone that. He’s gone and nothing she does can change it. And he’d want her to be safe and stay true to herself and her values. Not be blinded by hate and grief. 

Abby’s eyes represent something similar. Ellie knows that Joel crossed a lot of people. She knows he killed hundreds of people, especially Fireflys, including Marlene (although we don’t know if she knows that). She knows that he did a lot of bad shit in the past. Abby and her friends spared Ellie and Tommy, and that indicates that they aren’t universally bad people. Even when Dina asks Ellie what she thinks why they spared them, Ellie doesn’t want to talk about it and says that it doesn’t matter. But it does. 

And she’s avoiding and denying this gray area. She’s dividing the world into good and bad now, disregarding everything in between. Even in the end, when she sees that Abby is just a normal human being like Ellie is, taking care of Lev, she feels obliged to kill her. 

Jesse and JJ don’t represent her blind hate. They represent the love and people in her life that still make her happy and care about her. The life she could have, if she were able to “leave it all behind”. She doesn’t associate them with pain and loss. 

Only when she finally has the choice to kill Abby, she remembers the last conversation she had with Joel - and it was about forgiveness. But it was not only about deciding to forgive him. It was about understanding that the world isn’t as simple as good and bad, black or white. People are more than that, just like Joel was neither a hero, nor a villain. Just like Abby is neither a hero nor a villain. 

Of course, by deciding to break the cycle of revenge, which is the most obvious topic in the game, she spares Lev of going through the same pain Ellie and Abby did. But I think something deep inside her forgives Abby for what she’s done. I think Ellie understands that Abby isn’t just a bad person, just like Joel wasn’t. By stopping there, Ellie undergoes the growth not to be like Abby and kill the one who’s responsible for her loss, just like Abby grew and decided not to kill Dina despite the fact that Ellie killed Mel. 

And she finally lets her mask slip. When she decides to let Abby live, she finally accepts that Joel is dead and “reconciles” with him. She decides not to turn into something she’s not and let her grief and hate get the better of her. Ellie understands what she’s done, the mistake she’s made. How she’s lost herself and how she wronged Dina. 

And that’s when she can finally draw his eyes. 

[anntoldst0ries]

None shall sleep (Ethan x MC)

Book: Open Heart 3, post Chapter 5 Pairing: Dr Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Dr Noelle Valentine) Word Count/Rating: ~1.8k, T Summary: In the privacy of the diagnostic's office, Ethan & Noelle reflect on recent changes around them. Category/Warnings: Fluff, None Trope: And there was a bit of Hurt/Comfort

A/N: This chapter reminded me of things that have never been addressed... so this is a story of how things left unsaid all collided in my head. Hope you enjoy.

Also - yes, Ethan Ramsey can sing arias. Is anyone still truly surprised by the fact that this guy can do anything?

There is something mesmerizing about watching the lights of day go out, overpowered by darkness, ablaze with colours - from the depths of blue, through indigo, navy and all the way to pitch-black.

About how, in a sense, it washes away all the bothers and allows you to start anew with the next rise of the almighty sun.

Ethan Ramsey was hoping for this exactly, maybe more than ever, but all the signs showed it wasn’t in the cards for him.

Or at least not today.

He stared into the void, interwoven by occasional human figures passing by through the front lobby. No voices of the day were able to reach him on the 7th floor of his kingdom. Behind the glass wall, he was almost in a different world.

It had been yet another day that brought him more gritted teeth, holding himself back and resigned sighs, than actual satisfaction from helping those who counted on him. All these ‘activities’ were not only annoying but also highly energy-consuming.

Bringing the index and middle fingertips to his pulsating temples, he started to compress and massage them in small circles, trying to soothe the pounding inside his skull. He could hear the blood rushing through the highways of his veins, the sound almost drowning out all external stimuli.

But there were certain sounds his expert ear was trained on, the ones he would’ve recognized even in his sleep.

Like the one reaching his ears right now, the sound of the door handle being pressed.

With his back facing the door, he couldn’t see who was trying to impose on his much-needed solitude. But since the unexpected guest did not precede their ministrations by knocking, the possibilities narrowed down significantly. There were only two people on the premises of Edenbrook who could invade his personal space without a modicum of manners.

“Can I help you?” He modulated his voice to ensure the tone was expressing two things: annoyance and irony in the otherwise polite question.

“I’m sorry.” From all the voices, this one he did not expect to hear now. A melodic tone was joined by a scuffle of retreating steps. “Do you want me to go?”

Ethan curled his lips in a tiny smile. They both knew she wasn’t apologetic and that he wanted anything but her to leave.

“No, it’s just that there are only two people in this hospital that wouldn’t bother knocking and I thought it was one of them paying me a visit.”

“Let me guess… Zaid and Baz?”

“No, but in terms of concept, you were actually close…just another type of evil ‘twins’."

“Oh, you mean his majesty King Bloom & his annoyance Dr Carrick?”

“Even as a joke, it sounds creepy and horrible.”

“Well, count me as a third now. Heads up though, I will only stop knocking after twilight.”

It was clear as crystal Ethan’s already specific sense of humor had less than ever space for amusement.

“I brought you this.” She put a brown paper bag on his desk, which immediately revealed the aroma of something delicious. “I figured you’re probably gonna stay here all night, so I thought I’ll pop over and check on you.”

He didn’t say anything, staring into the darkness. Not because he didn’t want to - he simply didn’t know what. This simple gesture was very touching and filled him with gratitude. But he was lacking the right words.

Then, for the first time since she’s interrupted his train of thought, he turned around to look at her. Tired and with puffy eyes, she’d still put everyone else to shame. Even on the worst of days, the light radiating from her turned heads and made the room brighter.

She extended a hand and when their fingers touched, he felt this weird, tingly feeling that has traveled from his palm, through his arm and neck, and then straight to his core.

Pressing him gently against the edge of the desk, she took his glasses off. Then loosened his tie and nonchalantly disheveled his hair. Ethan wouldn’t let anyone else in the world touch them, let alone put them in a state of such disarray.

With her, all the rules existed only to be broken.

“Do you want to tell me what’s going on in this big brain of yours?”

“Smart move, Valentine. You’ve pacified me so that now I will have no choice but to tell you whatever you want to know.”

“You always have a choice, let’s just hope you’re gonna make the right one.”

Ethan nodded, no sound escaping his lips. She knew she’d have to take it upon herself to get any information out of her stubborn converser.

“So, how are you holding up? I want an honest answer."

“I’ve been better.”

“I thought so.”

“It’s just that… Tobias is driving me crazy. His presence really tests my patience… I don’t know if I would’ve stopped myself from punching him had it not been for you.”

“Why thank you, I didn’t know my therapeutic services were that good.”

“They are.” Ethan cleared his throat. “But it’s… not just that.”

Dead silence lingered between them and he knew he had no other choice but to continue.

“The only reason why I haven’t wiped this ridiculous smirk off his face yet is that whenever I look at him, I… I see you in that room with Travis. I’m trying to remind myself that, as much as I hate to admit it, he was crucial to finding the cure on such short notice.”

“Ethan…”

“I already told you” - he interrupted her as if not to stop the words from flowing, afraid they may be trapped forever otherwise - “that there was so much more at stake last time Tobias set foot in Edenbrook.”

She took a deep breath, her eyes going slightly wider.

“The truth is, for me… everything was at stake. I would’ve done anything he’d asked me to, I’d have forgiven him if it meant saving you.”

Elle turned still, all her body movements, her breathing and even her blinking ceased.

It was one of those moments that mean so much but leave you with so little to say.

Using the power of non-verbal communication and their deep affinity, she bestowed on him the most gentle, loving and grateful expression her face could muster after yet another exhausting shift.

Ethan extended his arm and before she realized it, her back was gently pressed to the older doctor’s chest. Having wrapped her slender frame with his broad shoulders, Elle inhaled his familiar aroma. He smelled of comfort and felt like a safe harbor. He nudged her hair with his nose and placed a featherlight kiss on the crook of her neck. She smelled of calmness and felt like coming back home from a long journey.

“So,” - he murmured directly into her ear - “whether you like it or not, I am using you to soften the blow every time I look at Tobias’ face.”

“I think I can live with that.”

“But I can’t guarantee it will always be enough, he is a cocky son of a bitch.”

“Let's make a deal then. I see how much it costs you and I’m not telling you to trust Leland or forgive Tobias, I still believe you should be cautious. Let’s just wait and see where this goes, I think we’ll know sooner rather than later. In the meantime, we should focus on what matters the most, our patients.”

“Where is the deal part?”

“If it turns out you were right, I will hold Tobias and you will punch him. Deal?”

“I believe it should be the other way round. Declan Nash’s face told me your right hook is exquisite, Rookie.”

They both laughed at the memory which seemed so distant now, almost as if it's happened in another lifetime.

But Ethan went quiet again and she felt his body tense up, his arms tightening gently around her. It wasn’t very obvious, but she knew. It still came as a shock how well she actually knew him.

“Ethan? What is it?”

“Nothing.”

“Ethan.”

“I’m sorry, I am not the most cheery companion today. You’re probably better off not spending too much time with me before you turn into a cynic.”

“Dr Ramsey, what a pathetic attempt of trying to get rid of me. You’ve never been the most cheerful type and I’ve survived your gloomy companionship, hell, I think it grew on me over time. So I should be ok today, too.”

It looked like silence was very much their third companion today.

“I’m thinking about Francis.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“I’m thinking about how hard it would be not to see. So many beautiful things, colors, all turning into nothingness.”

“I take it you mean the opera?”

“That too, but let’s just say I’ve learned to appreciate things that are right in front of my nose… literally and figuratively.”

The butterflies started somersaulting in her stomach.

“I didn’t want to add more to your plate at the time, but I’ve already felt this way… when we diagnosed Caroline and Leland.”

It was funny that, despite his obvious animosity towards Bloom, whenever his wife was in the picture, he spoke about both in an almost affectionate way. His doctor’s instincts were kicking in, because first and foremost he was a doctor who had his patients’ best interest at heart.

“The thought of not being able to touch you…it reminded me of touching you through the layer of hazmat suit. And now with everything Francis has been through, I just can’t be bothered to think about anything else but you. This is my true personal connection to this case.”

It was her turn to be speechless.

Ethan tightened his grip over her once again, this time protectively rather than out of stress. Slow hum started filling the air, the melody soon joined by lyrics, which he sang in fluent Italian; a private concert, performed for her and her only.

Tu pure, oh Principessa

Nella tua fredda stanza

Guardi le stelle

Che tremano d'amore

E di speranza**

She remembered their patient’s face, which seemed calmer once Ethan started singing the aria before the depths of illness contorted it with pain.

Francis' husband's words echoed throughout her head.

Even though the man holding her in his arms didn’t say it, there was no need.

She knew.

He will always be here.

And she will always be here, too.

-----

** Lyrics - aria "Nessun Dorma" (‘None shall sleep’) from the opera "Turandot".

Translation:

Even you, oh Princess,

In your cold room,

Watch the stars,

That tremble with love

And with hope.

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