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velvette3 · 7 months ago

Text

Draft #2

WARNINGS: long post, rant post, mentions of sh and suicide, and a lot of other things, personal rant(s), LIKE REALLY LONG POST, please do not read unless you think you are comfortable with repetition, and idk what else. I am a warning in itself.

(4/2/24) (mentions of sh and suicide)

It’s 1:38 in the morning. I don’t really know anymore. I’m just so worried I won’t amount to anything. My stepsister has always been better than me at everything. I still remember my middle school and high school years when I heard my mother and step-father talking shit about their kids, about my step-brothers. But I hardly ever heard them utter a bad word about my step-sister. I became something I didn’t want to be in my high school years, in hopes I could live up to my sister, hoping maybe it would make sure I wasn’t the next kid they talked shit about.

I already knew at the time that they didn’t really take me seriously back then. Not when it came to my morals anyways.

At times when one or the other was driving, I would have to text the other. And that was when visiting my father was mandatory. So every once in awhile, the message would pop up “you pick up the brat yet?”

I know they never meant it in that way. At least I hoped not. But honestly being someone I wasn’t, and being someone I’m not still, to this day, it sucks. I hate having to pretend to my parents, even to this day, despite my independence. I’m just so worried about acceptance, that I find it hard to face them. I fear telling my parents (on both sides) anything.

Mainly, because when they first found out about the self harm in middle school, it was a difficult situation. They said they wanted to help me. And then they took me to a therapist for a total of three-five times before they said ‘this isn’t working fast enough’ and pulled me out of it. I was always scared of being yelled at when I made mistakes. That lead to me fearing ever telling my parents anything, including my own emotions.

For a long time, once I finally lived with my mother again, I never saw her cry. I only ever saw her angry, or happy. But I never saw her sad. That made me think that being sad wasn’t normal, or that, I shouldn’t be sad about anything because she wasn’t. The reason she hid any of her sadness was because she didn’t want her own child worrying about her.

But her hiding her own emotions from me made me feel like I had to suppress mine as well. So I never trusted my parents with my emotions, either.

But I guess it didn’t help that they always said I was either ‘overreacting’ or just being a ‘drama queen’. Go this day idk if they were right, or if they were just, avoiding it.

I don’t know which one I’d want it to be. Because if they were wrong, and that my emotions were actually valid, what would that mean for me? For them? Would it make it seem like they had neglected my own emotional and mental well-being? If they were wrong, if they thought because of my overreacting and drama queen the fancies that my emotions weren’t valid, then what is the limit to validate emotions? What would it have taken for them to stop accusing me of overreacting or being a drama queen?

They never made me feel valid. They still don’t. The only good throng I’ve done so far with my life, is get good grades. It’s been so long since I heard one of my parents (step or not) say they were proud of me, so when they got the letter in the mail about my good grades in online schooling, when that happened and they said they were proud, I almost cried.

It’s strange.

For a long time back in middle school-high school, I desperately wanted to die. I didn’t want to live in a world where everyone would judge me for my smallest of mistakes and ignore my feats.

I knew that, being the youngest, I was my parents last chance to have a child they were proud of. Everyone else but my stepsister had failed to be a kid that my parents were proud of (or at least didn’t talk shit about). I knew that if I didn’t want to be talked shit about, I’d either have to leave, or change.

I was so done, with the world. I hated myself for my failures, I hated the way I had been raised. But I also hated myself, because I had no reason to. Im not living on the streets, I have a family, I have food, I had shelter. I shouldn’t have been sad. “It couldve been worse”, as the mentality goes. I didn’t deserve to be sad, and it made me feel worse. I felt like all I was doing was trying to gain attention, even though that’s not what I wanted. I thought I was being selfish because of my own emotions, and it still gets fucked in my head sometimes.

Back in my freshman year of high school, a girl (which for the sake of her identity and name I will not be naming), had hung herself in her closet. Rumor was because she was having problems at home.

Way back in middle school, even. A girl in my 8th grade year tried to kill herself. She planned it all out. She wanted to hang herself in the bathroom, and if she couldn’t do that, she had some sort of sharp object to try and slit her throat. She couldn’t hang herself, and she cut her throat, barely enough to bleed. It was not deep or long enough to kill her, only to sting. When her parents saw the injury on her neck, she got in trouble for it, and was threatened to sent to a mental hospital, with padded walls.*

I knew both those girls, in a sense. And I knew that the one from high school had it worse than I did. I felt shitty. I felt like I had no reason to be sad.

Like I had no validation, because I wasn’t supposed to show that much emotion in front of others, because what I learned from my mother without her knowing, was to surppress the sadness. I want to amount to something, I want to be something my family can be proud of. I don’t want to be the next disgrace, I don’t want to be the person without control of her emotions. I don’t want to become a failure because I lost, or because I couldn’t do what I needed to do.

4/5/2024

Time is going by so quick, it’s killing me. Just today with my grandmother. I went to stay with my father for the weekend, so I’m going back to her house Sunday night to spend the eclipse with her. But as she left the house which I’m staying with my father and his girlfriend, I feared ‘what if this is the last time I see her?’

She is less than 20 years younger than my GREAT grandmother who died only a few months ago.

I love this grandmother with all my heart (I’ll call her grandma J from now on), and I’d hate to see her die, at all. I’m literally going to see her on Sunday, only two days from now, why am I worrying so much? Why did I wonder if it would be the last time I see her?

I’m so scared. I’d be lost without her, she has been my rock for a long time. Even though she is heavily Christian, and I don’t feel as connected, I always feel better after spending some time with her, (whether we speak of God or not). I grew up, spending every other weekend with her instead of my father, because he wasn’t able to take care of me where he lived for a long time. I lived with Angela (another grandmother of mine who I HATE) for the first seven years of my life. Spending every other weekend with my Mother, and the weekends I didn’t spend with my mom, I spent with Grandma J. Things have changed heavily since then, I barely remember that time in my life.

But my grandma J. She means everything to me. I always leave her house happier than when I left it. No one else does that for me.

I’m so, so fucking TERRIFIED, of who I’ll be, where I’ll be mentally, when she’s gone.

I’m so so scared…

(4/8/2024)

It’s 12:41, so technically eclipse day. Had a serious talk w my grandmother. I told her I was Ace, (not the pan-romantic part, but yk) and she was pretty okay w it. Especially when I told her I wasn’t gonna have children of my own creation (I might adopt, cause I wanna make a home to those kids who don’t have one yk?) and I just got really emotional. It doesn’t matter how many times I fucking say it, I am so scared to lose her. I cried, thinking this may be the last time I see her. You never know. She almost got hit on her way to see me on Thursday last week! I know she might be gone soon and I am not ready for it. It may be a last time for everything, and I’m so so so fucking scared words can’t even describe it. Not through type/text. If I were recording myself, you’d hear my ugly crying, and my voice in general breaking so no. But the point is, I dunno what’s gonna happen. My future, and hers, scares me to death. When she’s gone… I may as well be too.

So if I disappear for a long time, you will know why.

If I go batshit crazy (whether it’s lashing out, or self-isolation, or pretending to be fine [ya know, the stages of grief]) you know why.

This woman is one of my few rocks. My grandmother, and my eldest blood brother, who I shall call ‘E’ for the sake of keeping their identities secret.

I, don’t know what’ll happen to me once either of them are gone. Same with my parents, but I trust my brother and grandmother more than I do them, so it will be harder to lose them, as much as it may seem crazy to say.

I’m scared. I know I keep saying it, but every day I spend, is another closer to my grandmother’s inevitable death. I hate the thought, yet it keeps coming back since my GREAT grandmother died a few months ago. It’s not fun.

I hate feeling this terrified.

I feel paralyzed, like a record skipping, the never ending thought(s).

It’s horrible.

(4/12/24) 12:43 am

I don’t think I’m good enough.

I keep failing myself and others, over and over again. I want to help people, but it’s so fucking frustrating when they won’t accept it. I get it, sometimes it’s hard to accept help. But (per specific example) when I’m asked for help for the smallest of things like understanding some work, and you apologize a million times, it hurts. I hate seeing people I care about apologizing. I don’t know how to help them because they refuse to let me do so. I just, feel like I’m failing them. I can’t help them and it makes me feel like shit.

I wanna help people. At this point, the people I care about, and my drive to help them always, is the only reason I’m alive. The past few years since I last therapied someone, have been shitty. I hadn’t been able to help others and it just went by so fast, and almost without any emotion. It was awful, I felt lost. I lost my will to write, read, and draw. I lost everything about myself. When I picked up drawing again I cried because I thought I lost what little talent I had because it was shit at first. I don’t even know who I am. Am I even who I used to be, or am I a carbon copy of my successful step-sister?

I forced myself to change in high-school so my parents would be proud of me, so that I would be successful.

So I wouldn’t struggle in my future, so I could get a scholarship to college so I wouldn’t be drowning in debt like my mother was most of my life.

I just wanted a steady life. And one without the shit talk my parents would do behind their kids’s backs.

Fuck I’m so tired of it.

I feel so useless damnit. I feel worthless. I don’t want to be here anymore, I just want peace. Because these thoughts, these voice keep coming back no matter what. Telling me I’m not good enough, that I don’t try hard enough and that I’m too lazy, that I make up excuses. But when I try to say I did try, they always say I didn’t push myself enough. I dunno, do I not try hard enough? I dunno. I’m just so sick of this endless battle and I want it to be done. One day I want those people to realize it was an act. I want my parents to realize that they fucked me up. That they put too much expectation on me without their own realization. I want them to know that the therapy they took from me only made it worse. Then being upset over one singular missing assignment (that we’re hardly ever my fault) only made it worse. That threatening to put me in an asylum at the age of 13 only made it worse. That talking shit about my step-siblings right in front of me only made my fear worse. That hiding their emotions from me only made it worse. Cause god fucking damnit I’m scared of you now! I’m scared to come to you for anything! I have to contact my brother, or my grandmother! And one day I might not even have them! You say I can trust you with anything but then you turn around and call me a drama queen, that I’m being too sensitive, that I’m overreacting, making up excuses, being a liar, just being lazy, not trying as hard as you know I can, stop making things a competition.

God damnit, what am I even doing? I’m nothing, nothing but a failure. I should be trying harder but here I am, still being lazy. And I’m just blaming everyone for it when it’s all my fault.

(4/13/24)

^i didn’t move on to someone else four days later. Just because me and my bf were friends didn’t mean we were together. And I never, EVER cheated on her. Sure, I found someone new and he’s my bf now, but at the same time me and her, we both realized we were never romantic with each other. And I broke up with her? She was the one who approached me and said that she felt like her feelings for me weren’t being returned (which was true, I realized. We called each other girlfriends but I felt like she was nothing more to a friend to me) and I thought she was okay with it. Mind you when she came up to me I thought she was going to ask me to an event, but instead she called it off. I thought it would be better suited that way anyways, and we both agreed on that but I did NOT break up with her! And apparently, when she talked to me, she was scared to tell me that I offended her every once in awhile by some things I said (which she never said what do I still don’t know and it’s fucking killing me), ^because she thought I was gonna blow up at her. Apparently I fucking scared them and I don’t even know I didn’t realize they felt that way and just about a month ago I get this message on top of it like.

I probably should’ve realized I was a piece of shit. I was just like that bitch from high school we all collectively hated. God I’m so fucking sorry…

I thought we were still friends. This is a message I got from them through my old asf Wattpad account that is cringe. That I stopped checking until I saw that post today. They never intended for me to read that message so soon. They even said so themselves but fuck.

I’m sorry, to you both. I know you’ll never see this. But I’m so so so sorry, I didn’t realize.

I’m trying I am TRYING to never do this again but I still do this shit to people, don’t I? I just Fuckin manipulate and hurt them. I can’t just, spout off my trauma or whatever the fuck and shit like that! I know that now and I feel so fucking bad damnit… I didn’t realize I promise I am so sorry.

Why didn’t you say anything? I should’ve noticed, you shouldn’t have HAD to say anything after the fact I should’ve just known. Why can’t I see these things? I never see red flags, I never see my OWN red flags and manipulate tendencies until someone points them out. Why can’t I read social cues and shit?

God I’m trying, but I’m not at all, am I?

I just hate that I didn’t realize! I didn’t break up with her she broke up with me! We both agreed it was better, but I guess she was a lot more hurt by it than she let on and I thought we resolved things but. God fucking damnit.

I can’t ever do this to anyone I REFUSE! I can’t do this, I can’t put this pressure on people ever again, I don’t want to push them away. I never want this to happen again I don’t want to hurt people like this again.

I lost my two closest friends. And I didn’t even fucking realize it.

Fuck I don’t know what I’m going to do. I already apologized like a million times for scaring them with my slight anger issues, but I never actually hurt hurt them physically I didn’t realize I lashed out at them and I didn’t realize I was forcing them to listen to my problems. I thought they were okay with helping me but they didn’t say anything all because they were scared and I just.

I’m fucking freaking out, but I need to calm down. I need to calm down, and just breathe, and everything will be fine. Fuck it’s now 1:14 am I shouldn’t be thinking right now it’s dangerous.

But fucking damnit, I knew I shouldn’t have just dumped all my shit onto them but FUCK.

I need a fucking therapist for that, not my FUCKING FRIENDS.

God what is wrong with me, making my friends my therapists?

Fuck. I lost my friends, I almost have no one left Irl except for this one small friend group, which has drama and way too many sex jokes for me to even want to be IN it anymore. But they’re all I got and we stick together until the end. Most days I don’t mind it, but sometimes I hate being one of the only girls in said friend group.

Fuck I don’t know what to do, I can’t tell my bf about this or else he’ll flip, and I can’t make him my therapist, that’s wrong I was told so! My bf has had it so much worse than I have I shouldn’t be freaking out about this as much, this is nothing compared to what him and so many others have gone through.

But damnit. I DONT have a therapist, not anymore, and I can’t ducking afford one or even talk my parents into helping me get one because as said before they think the process is too damn slow. I can’t fucking tell anyone without feeling bad and knowing I’m a shitty person, because until now I didn’t realize telling people my problems was a bad thing, that asking them to help me out as if they were my fucking therapist (WHICH THEY ARENT AM I STUPID? To just dump all that shit on them without them even saying if it was okay or not?) was a bad thing.

So I’m alone, but that’s fine. I can’t tell anyone anyways so that’s how it’s gotta be and I can live with that. I have for awhile. But I don’t want to be alone. But I’d rather struggle alone than hurt anyone else because I don’t want to lose anyone else, or hurt them, or push them away or scare them like I did with these two.

I don’t want to be w/o my friends. I don’t I really don’t.

I’m never doing that again I promise you I’ll never do it again. I’m so fucking sorry I never realized and I know I’m a piece of dirt shit for not realizing sooner, and for scaring you guys to the point you couldn’t communicate with me w/o fear on your end. I should’ve known and I am so so sorry.

Fuck I even talked to my brother and we have the same timezone I shouldn’t have bothered him. Thankfully he let me go quickly. Fuck I hope I didn’t scare him off either…

(4/14/24) 10:44 pm

I’m so tired. Tired of feeling useless and like a failure. If I fail the people I care about then I am NOTHING. I don’t care about myself, I don’t I just want to make people proud of me. I don’t want them thinking I’m a waste, I don’t want them seeing me the same way I do. Please oh fuck… I don’t want to be a disappointment. I really don’t. I don’t want to hurt people, I want to help them. I feel like an utter piece of shit. I can’t ever talk to my friends about my problems again im not doing that to anyone every again. That’s why this will never be posted, I can’t hurt anyone else with my stupid rants and tendencies. I feel like im manipulating and hurting people by being open with them and I don’t want pity I do not want that, I just want them to know I’m not perfect. And even that is scary because if I am not PERFECT in every single aspect then I failed.

I keep apologizing, sounding like a broken record of an ex trying to get their relationship back but I really am sorry. I talked to my step-father about what happened yesterday concerning my friends. He said that I was one of the nicest person he’s ever met, saying how he knows I try to go outta my way to avoid hurting people but what if he was lying? Cause what if I did say something mean?

I call people idiots and jerks a lot, but I never mean it! I normally mean it in a joking matter but that’s not really nice is it? I’m reeling trying to figure this out and I just want to know what I did wrong so I never do it again. I know not to spout my problems off like I did, I know to watch what I say but how am I supposed to watch EVERYTHING I say?

Fuck I don’t care what I have to do. I’ll do anything, anything to make sure I never hurt anyone like that again. Scaring people, hurting them, it’s so fucking scary to me. I don’t want to do that, that’s the person I aim to NOT be. I wanna help, I wanna heal! Not hurt and scare. I sound like a fucking broken record and it’s pathetic.

I can’t ever post this, it will only make things worse and it’ll only make me feel worse. Because if I post this draft, I’ll be forcing everyone who sees this to be my therapist and I swore to never do that again.

Fuck man. I want help. I’m actually asking for help for once, straight up saying it. But I can’t, the one time I want it, the only time I feel I need it, I can’t ask for it because it’s wrong to do so.

(4/18/2024)

I know that none of my “friends” will be texting me in my birthday this year. I’m not expecting them to text me this year, because I’ve lost all my friends. I don’t think anyone will care this time around. At first I was excited! But getting older isn’t fun at all. People start leaving, start to say things they held back, start to tell you things you didn’t notice before. You grow apart and soon you become alone.

I realize that I should be happy my family is texting me, cause sometimes people’s families don’t even text them. But it’s kinda a requirement, that’s your fam, they should know these things. And most of the time, they wish you happy birthday as an after thought. Friends don’t do that (unless they need to be reminded) but still.

I’m gonna miss those two.

(4/19/2024) 11:31 pm

It’s almost my birthday! Hah. What a cruel joke honestly.

I miss those two so much, every time I see the one who messaged me I instantly go quiet, turn my head away until I’ve walked past them. Fuck, I moved around so much during my elementary school years, those two were the longest friends I’ve ever made.

Everyone already has their best friends.

I’ll always be the outsider.

I really am alone aren’t I? That one friend that never gets invited, that hangs back.

The last one they pick to partner up w in classes kinda shit (which, is also true atm).

I’m alone and it sucks. I miss them so much. I don’t care what that one said, I want them back I just want my friends back.

I want my gossip gals back.

My face to face, same time-zone, Irl friends who I can trust my life with.

I’m losing people left and right. I can’t take it. I’m fucking crying less than 30 minutes before my birthday and it’s pathetic.

People are without families, without homes, and I’m crying over this?

Fuckin stupid…

#Vel’s drafts #vel rants/info dumps #sorry polycule #*im the girl from middle school #I was threatened to be put in a mental hospital #threatened that they would strip search me #I was scared out of wits #I still am to this day #I dunno anymore #(4/13/24) fuck I didn’t realize I was that bad #fuck fuck fuck

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jcbbby · 2 years ago

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First CONGRATS! ☺️☺️☺️💐I just wanted you to know that your account makes me smile every day! Can you write Jamie x reader fluff🖤 and if this will help here is a line: "I will always choose you"

🎉JCBBBY'S 500 FOLLOWER PARTY🎉

our first party post!!! thank you so much!! I'm so glad what I post makes you happy and that you're here! :) thanks for the prompt, I hope you enjoy! <3

"I will always choose you." warnings: none! but not proofread, ignore any mistakes!

You had been friends with Jamie for quite some time. Was it, what seven...eight years now? Long before the Stranger Things whirlwind. You met in a quiet coffee shop in East London, both of you trying to avoid the classic English rain plaguing that summer morning. He had accidentally grabbed your drink from the pick up counter, you interjected before he could take a sip.

"Oh, wait sorry, that may be mine..."

He furrowed his brow, looking at the name written on the cup.

"Oh, you're right. I'm sorry! It looks like we ordered the same drink." He smiled, handing you the cup. "Nice to meet you, Y/N. Great taste in coffee."

You let out a gentle laugh. "So do you, er- what's your name?"

"Jamie!" The barista called out, setting down a drink identical to yours.

Jamie reached for the drink the barista had just set down, giving a quick "thank you" to the worker. "I'm Jamie." He reached his hand out, inviting you to shake.

"Jamie." You smiled, taking his hand in yours.

You spent the next two or three hours chatting away by a window, waiting for the rain to stop. He went on to say he was actually an actor and musician, he had actually just finished up being in Bend It Like Beckham on stage. Eventually you recognized that he had been in Sweeney Todd and gushed a moment about how you loved the film. He blushed lightly as you complimented him.

Towards the end of the conversation, as the rain seemed to let up outside, he asked for your number, hoping he could treat you to coffee next time perhaps? Your face fell slightly as you had to inform him that you actually were not currently single. Your heart sunk a little because truth be told, you had been flirting a little. His charismatic energy was almost impossible not to return.

While he did look disappointed, you quickly assured him that you had a great time, and if he was interested in still chatting and meeting for coffee as friends, you'd be happy to give him your number. And that is how you started meeting Jamie every Sunday morning for coffee and brunch.

Over the years of your friendship, you became very close. You shared deep conversations with each other about life and your values. You supported one another. You were a shoulder to cry on with one another. Not a day went by where you didn't communicate in some way. Sometimes, to the annoyance of your respective partners who occasionally felt jealous or threatened by your closeness.

But the timing never seemed to line up for either of you in terms of anything turning romantic. After you had broken up with the person you were seeing when you met Jamie, he had already begun dating someone else. When they broke up, you had just started a relationship with someone new as well. You both had concluded secretly to yourselves that it just wasn't in the cards, but that was okay. You thought you were too mundane for Jamie anyway. He was a talented and loved performer, and you were just...you.

Jamie had been in America shooting Stranger Things for some time, but he was finally coming back to London. The two of you excitedly arranged to have a movie night at your place that evening after he had flown in. You spent the day tidying up your apartment and grocery shopping for all his favorite snacks.

A knock finally came upon your door, 20 minutes after Jamie had texted he was on his way over. Flinging the door open, you leapt into him, throwing your arms around his neck.

"I missed you!" You exclaimed.

Jamie chuckled, enveloping your shoulders into a tight hug. "I missed you too, love. Five months is too long..."

You released each other from your embrace and let him step inside, closing the door behind you. "So...I got all your favorite snacks, and I was thinking we could watch Pearl and X." You smiled, walking over to the couch, motioning to the generous spread of sweet and savory treats you had arranged.

"Look at all this!" He chuckled. "We won't even need to order take out."

You both settled on to the couch, him immediately reaching for a small handful of M&Ms. The two of you sat next to each other, thighs just centimeters from each other. You started the movie and your attention focused mainly on the screen. Jamie fidgeted multiple times and began shaking his leg rather quickly. You looked over to him, noticing he wasn't even looking at the TV, but slightly next to it. Almost as if he had zoned out.

"Hey...you good?" You asked leaning forward to get a better look at his face.

"Hmm?" He snapped his head towards you. "Oh, oh. Yeah...I'm good." He smiled.

You stared, studying him, furrowing your brow. "...No, something's off. What's up? What's on your mind?" You paused the movie.

Jamie sighed. "I...I broke up with Amanda."

You frowned. "Oh, I'm sorry... What hap-"

"Because I'm in love with you." He blurted, interrupting you.

Your lips parted slightly, hoping to say something, but nothing came to your mind. Any words were replaced by the sound of your heart thumping in your ears. He continued.

"I just...it was never really the right time. We never had it line up right. But you know, you've been single for a bit, and things just weren't that great with her recently and I just... I hoped... I hoped it would be the right time to tell you now." He looked into your eyes.

"Jamie..." You began. "I...I'm in love with you too." You smiled gently.

A large, full smile spread across his face, wrinkling the corner of his eyes. "You are?"

You nodded. "I am...I've just been afraid to say it because... well, why me, Jamie? I mean, look at you, you can have anyone, you know?"

He gently took your hands in his, pulling them to rest softly on his lap. "Because you're everything. You've always been everything to me. I chose you eight years ago. I will always choose you." He brought one hand up to place a kiss on your fingers.

"Jamie..." You smiled wide, pulling your hands free from his, bringing them to either side of his face.

You pulled him in, planting a firm kiss on to his lips. His arm slinked around your waist, pulling you in closer. As you pulled away, his arm remained, softly caressing just above your hip.

"I'll always choose you too."

#jamie campbell bower x reader #jamie campbell bower rpf #jamie bower rpf #jamie bower x reader #jamie bower #jamie campbell bower #jcbbby 500 follower party!#jamie campbell bower fanfic #jamie bower fanfic

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bandedbulbussnarfblat · 3 months ago

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I had a rough week last week. Tuesday my dog gets sick, so I look up her symptoms. And bc I'm a crazy person, my mind automatically latched onto the worst possibility. So I spent three hours crying hysterically and having panic attacks bc I was so scared she would die. Then Wednesday I had to take my dog to vet and was still super stressed out. Thursday and Friday I have to deal with medicaid and disability paperwork. Saturday I had a panic attack so bad that I couldn't stop it and had to text my brother to come help me (he lives with me. we're too poor to live without a roommate, and we've basically lived together our whole lives, so it was whatever). Sunday morning I have a panic attack and can't leave my house to play my weekly dnd game bc the thought of spending hours with other people away from home was...bad. Sunday night, I got completely (and irrationally) terrified of being alone. I was so afraid that I called my mom, and of course she offers to come over. And I'm freaking out so bad I let her, even though it was late and I know she has to get up early for work. (She only stayed until my brother got back around 10:30)

BUT, today is a new day. I managed to get my blood work done today, and talk on the phone to my case worker, and pick up a pair of contacts from my eye doctor to wear until my order comes in. And I didn't have a panic attack. I mean, I still had to have my dad take me, bc leaving home alone isn't something I can do right now. (Mentally or physically. My brother's car broke down, and since he's the one who has a job, he's been using mine. i stg it's like a fucking family curse; every time someone is already in a financial bind, their car will break down.)

So I have decided to take the next few days to just relax. My two besties that I've been friends with since middle school both have kids with autism and they said I'm probably going through autistic burn-out. I'm pretty sure I'm autistic and my doctor thinks I'm somewhere on the spectrum, though on the lower support side. I'm gonna play bg3, and unwind. And try to work on some fic. (bc I have the next chapter of 16 Days damn near finished, and it's the last chapter that ties up the current plot, then there's an epilogue that takes place later that played out like a movie in my head, so writing it will be a breeze.)

Side note, did y'all know that some school systems still use 'high/low functioning'. I've had to say to my coworkers that autistic people would prefer not to use those terms. But it isn't surprising; one of my cousin's kids was literally diagnosed with Asperger's. Which has fallen under the autism spectrum disorder since like, forever ago. And also there was a TA in the autism classroom I worked in once who literally told me that autism was caused by demonic possession. I'm so glad I left the school system. Bc I eventually was going to fucking explode with rage after the way my kids were treated. (My students, not my actual kids. I don't have or want any)

Working in EC has really shown me how little the school system actually cares about helping the disabled; they will cut corners and do shit that 'technically' meets a kid's IEP, but doesn't do a damn thing to help them. And if you say something like, 'i don't think that counts' your coworkers will not be happy. But to a certain degree you can't be too mad, bc there is literally not enough time or resources to meet every child's needs, bc they cram as many kids in one EC classroom as possible, hire the minimum amount of TAs required by law and expect one teacher to be able to magically meet all their needs. My last job had 3 kids in wheelchairs in those tiny ass mobile units schools started using, that literally did not have room to move around, unless the other students stood up to let them get by, and sometimes even move their desk. We had multiple kids with autism. One of them stimmed by screaming, another was triggered by loud noises.

This post kinda went off on a tangent. Anyway, heads up to any parents who have kids starting school, make sure you get a copy of your child's IEP. If you think they aren't being serviced, contact your local Board of Education, and tell them that you have a child with an IEP who isn't receiving adequate services. Then threaten to sue them if they don't start providing your kid their services. It does not matter if you can actually afford to sue them or not, an IEP is a legally binding document. You have the right to sue, and most of the time the threat alone is enough to kick their ass into gear.

#long post #rambling

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brokenmusicboxwolfe · 1 year ago

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I went into the post office today still thinking about rather dark things. I was in a lot of pain, of course, so maybe it had gotten me in a mood.

Recently I found out that my brother has said horrible things, only horrible things, “never a kind word” about me to my one actual friend. She seemed amazed at how nasty he was. Maybe more hurtfully, he’d been telling her to never help me. I need to learn a lesson, you see, be punished for being a failure. Obviously I’m not trying hard enough, and if I can only suffer enough I will fix myself….

Yeah, I dunno either. My brother has been a painful mystery with his harshness for a long time. My parents worried, but were no more able to know what to so than I am. **What do you do to deal with a mindset that can be cruel, full of resentments, threats, and bitterness, that sees all the world in terms of enemies and battles? He actually lectured me once for not “hating properly”. It seems exhausting and sad.

Anyway, I limped in feeling upset with myself as much as hurt by my brother. After all, I am broken obviously. I work so hard for nothing, make no progress in anything. I feel lazy if I even rest when I hurt so much I’m crying out in pain, so when I’m accused of being lazy I find it too easy to believe.

So what happens? Oh, I get asked a out my day, so I start telling. And I laugh explaining why one of my hands is covered in something blue, why my injured finger resembles a cherry Tootsie Pop, why there are twig all in my hair, why my shirt has flour on it and I smell of spices, etc….I mean, it was just an ordinary enough day by my standards.

And so the wide eyed lady starts telling me how amazing I am. (The only compliment to seem more off base was my high school art teacher saying I was the coolest person in the school! LOL) She tells me I have a heart of gold. (Yeah, really! LOL)

She said I was one of the most beautiful people inside and out. (I resisted laughing, but it was hard)

She tells me I must stop taking care of other people all the time, and take care of myself. (Um, most of what I do is survival…you know, taking care of myself)

She tells me I deserve to take a day every week to pamper myself, just take a day off. (Not gonna happen, when my work is survival)

She tells me she is making it her mission before the end of the year to do a make over of me!

Actually that last one threw me the most. First off, a make over suggests I was ever made to being with!

It’s sweetly meant, but ridiculous. Nice as it might be to wear makeup once in my life, I can’t say I am keen on my being a living doll to be made up to someone else’s aesthetics. She insists it will change my life and everyone will be shocked by how beautiful I actually am, which is obviously absurd. Playing dress up can’t change a life, and no one will EVER think I am beautiful. And, even if I DID like whatever look, I sure as hell don’t have the time or money to mess around keeping it up, especially when my only audience for it would be the animals!!!

Then came the religion. Oh, she tells me, god knows how good I am. That’s why god keeps blessing me…

Um, if this is being blessed I’d hate to see what cursed is like!

And so she goes on about how everything is possible with god’s will, how faith like mine is rewarded, and on and on….

I’m not a christian. I’m agnostic, bordering on atheist. But I know how this goes. I live in a teeny town in the bible belt. You smile. You say thanks when they bless you or pray for you. You are grateful for the emotional intent. You never ever debate them or roll you eyes or…

And then an older woman came in, one that texts me when the weather seems dangerous. I haven’t seen her in person in years. Her health is rough, but her husband has never recovered from covid so he’s been hospitalized forever.

She sort of let me know she was hurt I didn’t always text her back. I try to explain my phone, which sounds feeble, and the post master jumps in to explain how busy I always am….And I ask about how she’s doing and her husband so everything is fine again.

A very strange thing happens. The woman is having some sort of questioning god moment. She’s using all the local language about praying and blessings and so forth, and the suddenly says: “But I keep wondering. I mean, a whole airplane full of hundreds of people, and it crashes. Was it REALLY the time for ALL those people all at once?!?”

She’s upset so you can tell it is getting to her, and the post master who is likewise religious thrown for a second, trying to think what to say from the grab bag of quotable they keep ready….

And I speak up. I tell her, well, thousands of people die every day, so why couldn’t many be in one place. And thousands are born too…

And so on.

I was doing the “well, if there is a god then couldn’t it logically work like this…”!!!!!

FFS, I, a skeptic to very bottom of my soul, was actually trying to soothe away the doubts of a believer simply because I don’t want them to be upset!! I was making the argument for religion because I felt she needs it, but what right do I have to decide that?

How presumptuous of me!

I should have said nothing I guess. Let the two religious women talk, see if the one unshakable could say something the one shaken needed to hear. But she was upset and what I said comforted her, and I never lied to her. I never mentioned god or spirits or any other mumbo jumbo. I just said a sort “ if this, then that” that I hoped help.

But it bothers me I jumped in like. I just encouraged someone to believe something I think is bullshit (not the “every day many people die” thing, but the “supernatural forced decide” implied part), and most likely have led them to believe I share their religion (which, to be fair, around here EVERYONE assumes about everyone else anyway). Hypocrisy and dishonestly about my beliefs are anathema to me and this comes perilously close.

So, today I went into the post office in a funk about myself, had a conversation that gave me an undeserved ego boost, and left in a funk again!!!

**I want to be clear about this, my parents were kind and generous people. Oh sure, they had their fill of frustrations (more than their share in Pop’s case) and anger, but it was never aimed like a weapon. They never wanted to hurt people, but to help them. His failing and mine are our own, mixed with “injuries” inflicted by the world beyond our home.

I know most folks blame their parents, usually understandably, but there are limits what even loving, smart, and well meaning parents can do when the chemistry of a child’s nature comes into contact with volatile parts of society . Boom. Explosions. Implosions. Everything changes and sometimes the results are poisonous.

#my day #conversations #peopling #me #socializing #religion #I have no idea how to tag this!

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momopeach · 2 years ago

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ive been so vocal about how down i’ve been these past few months i hope thats progress??? bc usually i never tell anyone but i’ve also been at my loneliest this year and thats kinda new for me too?? i guess im kinda grieving a lost friendship and i’ve never been through something like before but its a relief to cut ties w such a toxic person that would constantly find a way to make things about them and be super insensitive to others. i did so much for them and i just put so much effort into being an actual great friend to someone who wouldn’t do the same for anyone else. i believe im a good person and deserve good things but i get the short end of the stick a lot of the time. i just want to be someone’s number one in the same way that they are mine. even with my so called best friend, we literally live less than 4 mins from each-other and hang out like once every other month. adulthood is so lonely. and everyone is dating or breaking up and moving on to the next dude. and im still nowhere near that. literally have never been on a date. feeling behind and comparison has been the worst thing for me. i want a break from my mind most days. i’ve never been more free since graduating college, but i’ve also never been more uncertain. i know its possible that these things are coming for next but i cant help but cry about them almost every time i think about it. i hope 2023 helps me gain confidence, stronger relationships, more peace of mind and understanding of my emotions and how to cope/ work through them and blessings. i think having the tiniest bit of optimism towards these things is proof that they can happen. in due time. fingers crossed. lord willing.

crazy how i make this post about fake friends and cutting ties and 2 days late the fake friend texts me some drawn out message about leaving our friendship behind in 2022,,, as if we’ve even hung out this year lol thank God 🛐 im feeling less down about my status of singlehood but that comes and goes. you dont think about it until ur reminded so i have no choice but to stay busy. i also don’t really feel compelled to entertain anyone? like i never am in talking stages w men but i’m feeling free ?? overall my mood lately has been ok despite being under the weather. trying to keep my mood up while this fog rolls in and before i have my wisdom teeth pulled. hopefully gonna see a friend for dinner tomorrow night and i pray it all goes well. praying for productivity and healing ❤️

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thequeenopower · 2 years ago

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Enemies to friends, friends into lovers, and probably to enemies again ; Sapnap

A/N: I've actually liked him since he first showed his face but in my head I feel we would butt heads a lot if we were in the same friend group so I decided to make this <3

TwitchCon is a very odd place. It's just a building filled with content creators who have weird fans. Fortunately enough for me, I was a faceless streamer who no one knew was coming. The only reason I was even here was because my friends were also streamers and one was even in the dreamsmp with me so they had a panel to attend. I was kind of left to wander around the place so I decided I'd wait in lines to have pictures taken with streamers. Specifically Sapnap, my best-est friend. I'm lying, we hate each other. So I created a plan to give my fans some content and also just do something with my time.

"Hello!" He smiled towards me.

I slyly waved as I hadn't made a plan as to what I was going to say besides how to pose.

"Could we pose like those old high school prom photos?" He laughed and nodded at my odd request.

The photo was taken and I ran to the nearest corner. I edited over my face and posted it to instagram with the caption, "With the loml <3" which proceeded to get thousands of likes in a couple of minutes.

I decided to change my shirt into one I got from a vender, which then had me run into trixin, who I had to take a selfie with. Unfortunately, the shirt was obnoxiously twitched themed and had me getting mistook for a worker every two seconds. So I decided to text one of my friends and they said another streamer had an extra shirt, turns out it was Dream's. (A/N DID HE OR DID HE NOT CHANGE CLOTHES AT TWITCHCON CAUSE I SWEAR HE DID)

So here I was, wearing a t-shirt that was too big for me, walking around like I wasn't one of the top viewed streamers on twitch. It was pretty humbling as people bumped into me without saying sorry, like bitch, do you know who I am? But, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt that it's because they don't actually know what I look like. I'm sure if they did they would get on their knees to beg for forgiveness from me.

I got a message that the panel was starting and a seat was saved for me. By the time I got to the room and sat down, all the streamers were sitting down and getting ready to answer questions. My friends were in my ear pestering me to get up and ask a question, but I was going against it since I just heard someone ask, "Do you like my shirt?" which got me scared as to if they could see the person who was asking the question. Because obviously Dream would know his shirt and he would know who I was as my friend told him the shirt was for me. But I soon worked up the courage to get up and ask Sapnap, my best friend, a question only he would know I would ask.

So I got up and waited in the long line until it got to be my turn.

"Hi, I'm a big fan. I actually have a question for Sapnap." He nods towards me.

"If you were a hound dog, would you be crying all the time?" He looked at me funny before replying.

"Uh, no..." I felt a little embaressed as he didn't get it quick but by the time I sat down he mumbled words in what I could only describe as painful starstruck-ness.

"It's August! Wait! Was that August?" Everyone kind of looked around trying to find me which got me nervous they actually would.

So I did what any normal person would do, I left and sat out in the car.

TwitchCon ended at 8 but some streamers waited around for fans who weren't able to meet them, my friends included. I was texted to come to them because there was an ice cream place around the corner they wanted to go to but they wanted to walk instead of drive. Something about reducing pollution but it doesn't really help the stop of pollution cause we're just gonna drive home. So I went to them not realizing there was going to be other streamers there and they were going to join us for ice cream.

"Everyone meet August, August meet everyone." I wave and say hello to them before standing behind a friend of mine to hide from everyone.

Not like I wasn't comfortable showing my face, I'm just not good with talking to people in person. It's common in people nowadays.

"Hey, August. Nice shirt." Dream said from beside me. It seems like the fans were clearing up and we were now slowly moving from the venue to the ice cream shop.

"Oh, thanks. And thanks for letting me borrow it." He smiles and says it's no problem.

"Hello my other nutella enthusiast." George says from behind. Sapnap walked beside him, paying attention to his phone more than trying not to trip over a hole in the ground.

"Maybe you should get off your phone before you trip and die." I comment which earns me a mean face from Sapnap.

"Maybe you should focus on yourself instead of being so obsessed with me." I shrugged him off with a 'dumbass' before continuing my way towards the shop, slowly making my way towards the front of the line to be with my friends.

Now I'm not going to lie through my crooked teeth that I didn't like Sapnap. In the beginning I did, before I knew the real him. I thought he was cute when he first showed his face, but after going onto the early days of the SMP and being attacked with insults on a daily basis from him, the feeling slowly dwindled till all that was left was hatred. Now I won't lie, he's still attractive but I would never, ever, become friends with him, never mind be his girlfriend.

We nearly ran the place out of ice cream as the last person ordered but I'm sure they didn't mind. Ranboo, who is canonically my son, made small talk with me as we ate our ice cream.

"Sapnap's looking at you." He said with a smirk as he motions behind me. I don't turn around as I scoop up the last bit of ice cream.

"And I care, why?" He puts his hands up like it was simple.

"Because you guys are meant to be!" I laughed which he then went onto explain all the lore behind our love.

"Us getting together is as likely as you and Donald Trump getting together." He huffs, evidently done with me being stubborn about the topic at hand.

The next day of TwitchCon, I was walking around again, but I wasn't alone. The Dream Team were following me around like lost dogs because they didn't have anything to do until later that day.

"CONNAAR!" I yelled running up to him.

"Wassup, Baby!" He screamed back as he hugged me super tight.

We conversed for a little while until George started complaining of being hungry and wanting to check out what food there was. So we said our goodbyes and made our way to the food court where Dream and George got in line immediately and I stayed behind answering a text on my phone.

"Oooo who's J <3?" Sapnap said from over my shoulder.

"None of your business, Nick." And with that, I walked away annoyed.

After all of us getting our food we sat down and ate, occasionally getting asked for pictures, excluding me. After all that excitement, we walked around again, going outside every now and again to get some fresh air.

"Hey, August? I'm sorry for snooping on your personal things." I hear from beside me.

I look at Sapnap like he had three heads.

"Did you just apologize?" He sheepishly nods before hiding in his phone again.

He looks up one last time and I smile and mouth 'Thank you' before continuing on to exploring the venue.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The bar was packed full to the brim, either with drunk people or sober designated drivers. I was one of the drunk people. I've had exactly 3 shots and a couple margaritas which brings me to the situation that I was in. Sitting beside Sapnap, practically on top of him, while he listened to me ramble on about my job. He was sober, I think.

"And it's not even like I need to advertise things for money, I make enough as is!" He laughs as I slur a bit.

"Why aren't we friends?" I ask suddenly. It surprises both of us, though it doesn't affect my intoxicated mind as much.

"Well, it's because we just can't agree on things." I nod and put my head on the table. The music was giving me a headache and it seemed like most of the friend group was done with the bar as well.

As we walked out, Dream tripped on a brick and fell onto the sidewalk. He laughed it off as his face started to bleed, he also had a couple cuts in other places. His friends hurriedly got him back to their hotel, which I also went to as I didn't know where else to go. They had a two queen bed room attached to another two queen bed room.

"Ooo this is nice! Gurl!!" I continued to quote the tiktok sound loudly until Sapnap puts a hand over my mouth.

"Come on, lets get you to bed." I mumble a 'take me out to dinner first' line under my breath as he took me to the other room where George was staying.

He took my shoes off and tucked me into bed.

"Goodnight, August. See you in the morning." He turned off the light and shut the door. Before I fell asleep I heard banging and strings of curse words from the three boys as they tried to handle a drunk Dream.

I awoke without my jeans on or bra, kind of concerning but the gentle talking from next door calmed my thoughts. Quickly putting both articles of clothing on, I walked through the door and into the other room.

"Holy shit, what happened to you Dream?" He laughs but its stopped by a whince.

"He fell when he was drunk, but we kind of took a while to tell him and he posted saying he did it in his sleep." I laughed at Georges comment as I look around for my phone.

"Oh, you dropped it on the dresser, here." Sapnap handed me my phone, lots of notifications popped up as soon as it turned on.

"Shit, I gotta go. My friends are gonna start calling the cops." I call one of my friends as she picks up instantly.

"Let me walk you out and get you an uber." I nod, not hearing him so well as I'm listening to the death threats I'm getting for not coming home.

The ride home was long, but the chastising I got was longer. And it did not end till we walked through the doors of TwitchCon for our third and final day. It was Twitch Rivals and I just stood in the background shots of the streams going on. It was actually pretty hilarious to watch everyone rage about losing a game. I sometimes went over and talked to George whenever Sapnap and him took a break.

"You know, Nick's a little embarrassed about losing so many games. I think he's trying to impress you." George said smugly.

"There's other girls he's probably trying to impress, like Slyvvy or Hannah." George shook his head.

"No August, he likes you." And with that the conversation was dropped as Sapnap and Dream came back and talked with George before the next round.

I couldn't believe what I was just told. Him liking me? Bullshit. He's cursed me out since the day we met. Sure he does some nice things every once and a while but that's it. He can't possibly like me. But as I look up, I catch him staring, which he tries to play off as looking around the arena.

Oh my god, he might like me.

Should i make a part 2? I feel like i should idk. idk who would even be reading this. im literally just writing throw up at this point. maybe ill make a part two but only if requested ig. I will probably forget I posted this and not even make a part two but idk maybe. this is just word throw up now. The last part, where the bar scene starts, was actually going to be part 2. Yes I was already making part two before you even requested it. but i only ended it here because i dont think people would read this.

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parkers-gal · 4 years ago

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yay! okay so I was thinking, what I'd the reader and Tom had a fight, could be over anything, but the reader was pregnant and a few years after, they bump into each other and they get back together. Sorry if it doesn't make sense.

this has been sitting in my inbox for a fat couple of months… sorry 😭

wc: 1.7k ! <3

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“No, because you’re selfish and you can’t handle the fact that my life doesn’t revolve around you and your needs.” Tom spits out the words angrily, viciously, voice harsh and crisp.

You’re both frustrated beyond belief, and the bubble that had been overblown had finally popped, splattering your relationship and all the joyful aspects of it. Right now, you felt as if all that was left was the toxicity of two unbearable people who happened to love each other. You knew, deep down, that you loved each other enough to get through this, but with every passing moment, with every exchanged word, you realized at least one of you wouldn’t survive the damage.

“No, Tom. You’re selfish. You’re conceited and you only care about being a goddamn movie star. What happened to the family man, huh? What happened to staying tied down with me and your brothers?”

“Nothing happened to him! I’m still that person. I am a family guy.”

“Not to me, you aren't.”

“Well you’re not family!” He seethes through his teeth, anger radiating off of his short-tempered demeanor. You don’t even know how to react, so you spend the time soaking in the situation and how you should respond instead of actually doing it.

“You’re a fucking jackass. I asked when I could spend time with you and now you don’t even consider me as part of the family.”

“No,” He’s clear and concise even through the anger. “You asked when I’m going to stop living my life.”

“I said no such thing.”

“You didn’t have to! We both know that’s what you meant.”

“You’re not even on the same page as me anymore,” You scoff, arms crossing. “Seems like all this time in Hollywood made you forget that you’re not always the main character.”

“Fuck that, Y/N! Fuck! That!”

“No, Tom. Fuck. You.” You over-express your emotions, and after two more minutes of unbearable silence and screaming, he’s leaving your apartment just as fast as he arrived. You’re in shock, fingers shaking while you clear your throat, which is frayed and sore from all the yelling.

You sit back, elbows on your knees while your hands smoothen out your forehead. Tear after tear escapes your sobbing body, and eventually, you fall asleep on the couch.

In the weeks to come, you’ve realized the blow-out of a breakup could’ve been handled so much differently, but Tom hasn’t seemed to cool down at all — he’s petty enough to unfollow you on all social media, and you figure it’s time to let the hatred be mutual. You don’t touch your imessages, however, letting the love in those texts linger for a little longer.

Before you know it, you’re throwing up into the toilet boil, coughing violently at the action and spitting the bitter taste as best you can. You clean up, and when you check your phone, a small notification from your period tracker app alerts you that this is the second period in a row that has gone by without a hello.

Worried, you call Aisha, your closest friend and confidant. She’s over in no time, bringing along her girlfriend while you rant on the phone about your worries. They stop at the drugstore on the way.

The cause of your problems is discovered that day, and you collapse on the bathroom floor in agony, hands wiping at your face — through all the anger and fear and worry, you still love Tom. So much that Aisha even attempts to call Tom. But, alas, it’s sent straight to voicemail, and you realize he might’ve gone to extreme extents in blocking everyone.

You’re stuck going to the ultrasound with two lesbians and a frail old cat. Aisha is as supportive as ever, but as the doctor explains the process of each option, you feel sicker and sicker about the idea of getting rid of the fetus. In the end, you choose to keep the child you’re bearing, even if your ex-lover isn’t even in the picture.

Inevitably, the months pass, and as baby Charlie is brought into the wonderful world, you realize life as a single mother isn’t as scary as you thought it would be. In the first few months of your pregnancy, you’d kept tabs on what film Tom was doing and which was coming out next, but after the hormones and cravings, you’d decided to let the past sizzle and fade out in the way it was meant to all along.

It’s been almost three years since that fateful breakup, and Charlie is just reaching two and a half years old. You’re still single, and you’re okay with that. Charlie is all you need, all you’ve ever wanted, and the most important thing in your life. He’s young, and school is still a couple years away, but you enjoy having the toddler by your side, walking hand in hand with you because you’re his guardian, his provider, his only parent. You make him your only priority, because you don’t want him to grow up without anyone to love, or anyone to love him.

It’s hard, though. It’s hard because he’s a constant reminder of what didn’t happen, a constant reminder of what went wrong and of what you no longer have. You miss Tom more than words can express, and Charlie’s mop of brown curls reminds you of all the moments you’d run your fingers through Tom’s hair. You reminisce more than you’d like to, about Tom and your past, and though Charlie is technically half of the Brit, he’s one hundred percent yours. Because you’re the only one here, and that’s alright.

“Mummy,” Charlie tugs on your shirt’s hem while you move the shopping cart forward through the aisle. “Can we get the goldfish with superheroes?”

You jutt your lip out in a smile, nodding happily. “Of course we can, bub.”

As you step forward, you pit stop in the aisle, nearly tripping on the cart. You make direct eye contact with the man you used to love with your entire heart. The man who walked out with your heart and never gave it back. He’s staring right back at you, curls looking as fluffy as ever, face still a soft glow. Your breath hitches, and it’s then that you realize Charlie is still talking.

“Mummy?” He asks, and it’s just loud enough for Tom to hear. Harry, who’s beside Tom with an arm full of crackers and chips. Tom moves forward a few steps, hastily in an attempt to get more information.

“Uh, hi,” His smile is tight lipped as he stands at the other end of your shopping cart. Charlie shies away from strangers, standing behind your leg and holding your shirt with his grubby hands.

“Hi,” you return his awkward, reserved demeanor.

“Mummy who’s this?”

“‘Mummy?’” Tom has a follow up question for everything, and you internally panic, unsure on how to approach this.

You’d spent so long deciding how you should tell Tom that he was a dad. You spent hours debating on if you should pick up the phone or drive over just to tell him a truth you’ve kept inside for so long. You’ve abandoned social media, only sharing aspects of your life you can afford to post. Charlie is only occasionally on your page, but it’s not like Tom would see that, not after all that’s happened.

Your mouth opens and closes while you debate on how to reply. You’re physically incapable of saying your response, and it makes you even more nervous. You’re nervous on how he might react, what he’ll say, but most importantly, if he’ll stay.

“Is this…?

“My kid…” You fill in. “I- I mean our… our kid.” You pull your bottom lip between your rows of teeth, and you watch as Tom’s face undergoes thousands of expressions all at once. He’s surprised, shocked, happy, afraid, uncertain. You want the world to swallow you whole, suck you up so you don’t have to go through any of this again. But you don’t. Instead, you hold Charlie’s hand a little tighter.

“Our kid?” He drops a can of soup and you flinch at the loud noise.

“Mummy, who’s that?”

“That’s…” You don’t know how to answer his question. Instead, you lean down to his level, comfortingly and gently. “He’s a man.”

“Who’s that man?”

“He’s… your daddy.”

“I thought… no daddy?”

You purse your lips and furrow your brows. Tom’s watching the entire encounter from his place, but after a few beats, he steps forward, entering your bubble. Charlie doesn’t cower away this time, but looks up in curiosity.

“Hi, Charlie,” Tom extends his hand, adjusting his jeans so he can lean down just as you are, kneeling beside the young boy.

You look down, avoiding your worries and Tom’s gaze. He’s tearing up, and you want to cry too. You’re in a fucking supermarket, for god’s sake. This wasn’t how you envisioned any of this planning out, and though you’re mentally kicking yourself for letting it happen this way, you can’t help but feel like maybe this was meant to be. Written in the stars or whatever the folks say — you’re just grateful Charlie has at least a sliver of hope for two parents. Not that you can’t handle it, because you can, but you know someone like Tom wouldn’t want to miss something as important as this.

“I’m To- I’m…” He swallows thickly, making brief eye contact with you before looking back at Charlie. “I’m your dad.”

“Do you love my mummy?” He’s not shameless, but he’s still that shy little boy. “My friend says daddy’s love mommy’s so you must love mine, right?”

Tom lets a tear fall while he exhales a chuckle. He swipes the drop with the tips of his fingers, and the hand gripping Charlie’s squeezes it a little tighter. A glance in your direction is all it takes for him to answer Charlie’s question. “Yeah, buddy. I do.”

want more? my masterlist.

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whatifyoulivelikethat · 4 years ago

Text

not allowed iv, m | jjk, myg

pairing(s): est. poly relationship – jungkook x reader x yoongi

summary: Your boyfriends woke up and chose violence. Excuse me, Jeon Jungkook, Min Yoongi? Do you really think you can post one after another on Twitter, send the world into heart palpitations, and not expect your girlfriend to do something about it? Hmm?!

warnings: rated M (18+) for language; mentions of the pandemic; reader and Yoongi have giant heart eyes whenever they see each other; feels and fluff; smut (fem reader, dirty talk, nipple play, f and m-receiving oral, fingering, multiple orgasms, overstimulation, m-masturbation, double penetration/spit roasting); idol!BTS

that’s right JK posted his blue hair and i absolutely lost it part of ‘not allowed’ series, but can be read alone. basic summary: your boyfriend asked JJK to fuck you, then again, and then they decided to make this a thing; based on real time.

Your boyfriends woke up today and chose violence.

Everything was fine. You were on your lunch break, sitting in your kitchen, knowing you would have to get back to work soon. A quick meal and scrub of the dishes left you with you a few minutes to check your phone. You didn’t get many messages throughout the day and you preferred it that way. You took a moment to scroll through social media.

Only to choke a little seeing Jeon Jungkook, the Golden Maknae of BTS, reveal his dark blue locks to the world in the middle of the damn day. Did you almost drop your phone? Yes. Did you not because it was the special edition BTS S20+? Also, yes. The TinyTan SUGA phone case would have protected it anyway, but… still.

You placed your phone aside and went back to your computer, ready to attend work again.

Not quite composed, but it was just a picture, just a picture, just a picture…

Except you knew what Jungkook looked like naked and that wasn’t helping.

Three hours later, you snuck a glance at your phone only to be attacked by the cutest human being in the world, Min Yoongi, SUGA of BTS, sometimes Agust D, all the time lil meow meow because, holy shit, why the fuck was this man so cute? Those damn cheeks. Those eyes. Fuck, you loved his eye shape. And his pretty lips. Damnnit, why couldn’t you kiss him right now?

They’re trying to kill you and ARMY all at once.

You’re convinced.

You rubbed your temples and took a deep breath.

It is only a coincidence. It doesn’t involve you. They’re only being their usual adorable, attractive selves and giving a gift to the fans. You weren’t delusional. It was their job to do things like this. You knew this and you were used to it. You’ve seen Yoongi say all kinds of things in V-LIVEs and you always thought it was funny. Lately, he hadn’t been responding to them much though. As for Jungkook, well.

Everyone in the world wanted Jungkook, including you, so could you blame the world? No.

Jungkook tried to tell you before that he was shy and you recalled all those see-through shirts he’d worn on stage. All those ab reveals. Hmm, you weren’t fooled.

“I wanted to make sure you were looking at me, noona,” Jungkook had teased you, hooking his arms around your waist. “I had to get your attention somehow.”

Yeah, yeah, your attention and millions of other people.

It made you laugh, until he became your boyfriend, and now it made you choke on air like every other human being who saw him looking that good. Before you had the safety of giving your full attention to Yoongi. Yoongi had always been your priority and you wanted to make sure he felt that way.

Little by little.

Jungkook grew up.

And became harder and harder to ignore.

Even more difficult when Yoongi gave him the apartment key and told him to fuck you in his stead.

You heard your phone ping. You checked your messages, saving your work in the process.

That will teach you to post such sexy pictures.

You twitched. Excuse me? What was Jungkook talking about? Your personal, private Instagram was for expressing your – sometimes eccentric – fashion sense. Was he referring to the images you posted for Valentine’s Day, the ones with the white vinyl coat, red stockings, and sky-high red heels? Hmph. You couldn’t even see your face in those. Actually, you deliberately cut off most of your face in all of your pictures. The most you showed were your lips, always painted to match your outfit. You didn’t want anyone to recognize you, even by happenstance.

Made taking pictures much easier, since you never had to do eye makeup or worry about accidentally making ugly faces.

It was private now, but it wasn’t before, and the only reason you privated it was because you started dating Yoongi. You still wanted it use it as an outlet though, so you left it as is, with your follower count unchanging. It wasn’t that many people to begin with and you were pretty sure a lot of the accounts were bots.

In any case, sometimes you felt like being creative and dressing up, thus you did so on Instagram. You couldn’t dress like that when you went to visit Yoongi. Ah, and now Jungkook too. To be honest, you loved fashion and trying on different looks, but it wasn’t possible unless you were alone. And you were alone a lot, with no one but strangers to appreciate (or be confused by) it.

Might as well take a picture, right?

And if you could tease Yoongi a little, at least from a distance, that was even better.

You forgot Jungkook also followed you now though.

Dammit.

Had the photos been sexy? Sure. Provocative, lots of leg, almost a peek of ass but not quite. Red lips to stand out against the white. If the coat was black, it would have been more traditionally fetishist, but that's why you had picked shiny white vinyl. Brighter for the cute holiday.

Who are you kidding? You wore it to provoke Yoongi.

He texted you after you posted it. Usually, he said things along the lines of, pretty, cute, you look crazy, I like it. Only sometimes did he say...

what the fuck

You had asked him if he liked your post today.

I'm not trying to pop a boner in the middle of practice, control yourself woman.

Maybe don't post such cute selfies then, you had thought. Then your phone pinged again.

Send a picture with the coat open. Jungkook wants to see.

Oh, so now that the maknae was involved, he was going to pin things on the younger one. Two can play at this game. You sent the photo to Jungkook first. You knew that if the situation was reversed, Yoongi would have done the same. Jungkook's reaction had been hilarious.

Noona?! WHAT???

And then a slew of head exploding emojis.

Yoongi had been agitated until you finally sent him the picture too. It had been a fun incident.

Until your boyfriends woke up today and chose violence.

Dammit.

You stared at blue-haired Jungkook and 'Blue and Grey' Yoongi from the MTV Unplugged performance.

This just wasn’t allowed.

This visit had a purpose, but then you saw Min Yoongi standing in the hallway waiting for you, wearing an olive-green shirt, hands in the pockets of his black sweatpants, small smile on his lips. Purring your name lovingly after you closed the door, and you realized you missed him so very much, his lovely dark brown eyes and dark hair, and then you were suddenly in his arms and he was hugging you.

With both arms.

Yoongi was recovering well and he still couldn't do strenuous activity yet, but he was hugging you with both arms and you wanted to cry because it was so nice to have them both around you. You could've been cool and collected, yet somehow both you and Yoongi had the same idea to first hug and breathe in each other, his fresh, woodsy scent strongly invading your nose and his soft cheek against yours.

"You smell different."

"Do you like it?" you mumbled into his neck, kissing it lightly.

"Mhm."

You thought it had worn off by now, but the new perfume you had purchased lingered far longer than you imagined, clinging to your hair. Warm spiced sweetness with a hint of sharp smoke. Yoongi inhaled deeply beside you.

"You should wear more perfume," he murmured, hands kneading your waist.

"Someone might notice."

"Nah, your taste similar enough to mine."

He was taking off your coat and you were stepping out of your shoes, being pulled deeper into the apartment, and now his kisses were yours, soft and light, every one saying, I missed you, I want you, I love you. There no need for words when it was Min Yoongi. Fingers tapping down your waist, pulling your oversized black shirt up and over your head.

"Excuse me?"

You pooped your head out to see Yoongi staring at your chest, jaw dropped and eyes wide. Oh, right. You had been so occupied with hugs and kisses that you almost forgot. Your shirt fluttered to the floor, forgotten.

You smirked.

"Surprise."

Yoongi made a face at you. Somewhere between angry, aroused, and shock. Good. Serves you right for posting such a cute selfie.

The front door opened.

Both of you instantly moved, you sliding behind him and into the bedroom, Yoongi standing in front of you, masking your frame. The discarded shirt and jacket could be explained away – that's why you wore oversized men's clothes, usually in Yoongi's preferred color palette.

"Hyung?"

Oh, whew. Actually, wait. No, this was danger.

"Ah, Jungkookie."

Yoongi placed his hand on your arm and you popped your head over the corner once you heard the door close. Yup. A swift shake of dark blue locks, white sweatshirt and loose black sweatpants, and that mischievous smirk with a wrinkle of his nose.

Danger.

"Hey, noona!"

Damnnit, planning for two is hard! You couldn't just go put your shirt on and do the grand reveal again. Yoongi grasped your upper arm with his right hand and yanked you from the doorframe. You squeaked, body stumbling into Jungkook’s view.

"Did you plan this?" Yoongi asked with a cocked brow.

Jungkook's eyes went wide.

"Uh... no, but I like where this is going," Jungkook replied, smirk growing.

The black lace bra stood out against your skin, strappy and elegant, molding to the swells of your breasts and the curve downward to your waist, matching the garter belt that disappeared into the black jeans you were wearing. You didn't usually wear lingerie. It wasn't practical and if you accidentally left something behind... it wasn't worth the risk. Yoongi and you took every precaution to not fuck this up.

Therefore, you only wore lingerie on your private Instagram.

Only showing little flashes, never the whole picture. And, really, you wore it in your photos to mess with them. It made you feel nice too, so it was a win-win. This set was familiar to Yoongi and Jungkook because you had worn the red version in the original Valentine’s Day themed photos.

Again, you didn't usually wear lingerie, but Jungkook and Yoongi couldn't just post pictures on Twitter back-to-back, two-shot you, and not expect a damn reaction. That kind of shit wasn't tolerated! On top of all that, you had to wait and get properly tested before getting here. This pandemic extended your frustrations. So, yes, fuck it, you wore the damn lingerie that made you feel the sexiest. Even if your jeans were still on, you knew you looked good.

No one had to tell you. You checked in the mirror before you left.

"Is this your response to my text a couple days ago?" Jungkook teased, kicking off his shoes and bounding over to you two. His dark blue hair shimmered in the light, like a night sky covered with stars, smile pure and naughty at the same time, lighting up his whole face.

Fuck you for being hot, Jeon Jungkook!

You leaned back against Yoongi, crossing your arms under your breasts, pressing them together. Jungkook grinned, the mole underneath his lower lip winking at you.

"Something like that," you coolly replied. Shit, there was an edge to your voice. Hopefully neither Yoongi or Jungkook picked that up.

"Hmm..."

Jungkook pursed his lips, the tip of his pink tongue sticking out the side. Ack. You had to look away. You turned and bumped your lace-covered tits against Yoongi's chest. His dark brown orbs flickered to your breasts, sly smile on his lips.

"This is your fault too, by the way."

Yoongi raised his eyebrows, amused. "What do you mean?"

You dropped your hands, surveying him suspiciously. "You think I don't know? Posting right after Jungkook? That's not allowed! You know what that does to me."

Yoongi leaned forward. Your breath caught in your throat, heart beating fast all of a sudden. You backed up, right into Jungkook's chest. Uh oh. Yoongi hummed, black hair shadowing his face, devious sparkle in those dangerous eyes, his voice a raspy, purring drawl.

"What does it do to you?"

Your hand fell back to brace yourself and Jungkook's fingers wrapped around your wrist, stroking your skin. You felt him shift behind you and then his lips were on your ear, whispering in his silvery voice.

"Yeah, noona. Tell us.” His grip on your wrist tightened, squeezing lightly, asserting his presence behind you. “Or you can show us."

...

!!!

How dare they tag team you? First, they visually attack you – and millions of other ARMY – in the middle of the workday, and now this, Yoongi closing in, kissing you once more, deeper, hungrier, with dark intent, smirking against your lips as Jungkook took both your hands, ghosting his long fingers over yours. You whimpered into Yoongi's mouth, body tensing, Jungkook pressing himself into your back, breath against your hair.

"You smell different," he murmured.

You couldn't reply. Yoongi was sucking on your tongue, making you whine.

"Warm, sweet, and spicy."

Yoongi released you and you gasped for air, bucking into Jungkook's crotch. "I bought it last week... thought it smelled nice..."

Jungkook nuzzled your hair. "I like it. Makes me horny."

You laughed a little, turning your hands around in his to lace your fingers together. He held your hands firmly, grinding his crotch into your ass. You could already feel his arousal through your jeans.

"Sounds dangerous," you mused.

"It is," Yoongi chuckled. "But you should keep wearing it anyway. You smell good."

Heat rose to your cheeks. Then you realized your jeans were already undone, being daintily pushed down by deft hands and an amused expression, Yoongi crouching to pull them along. Bit by bit, revealing the matching garter belt, the high-cut black lace panties that framed your thighs, and lace-topped sheer stockings, all the straps emphasizing your softness, sinking into your thighs and ass.

"Fuck..." Yoongi breathed, running his fingertips over the delicate fabric, touch so light against your skin, dancing up your knee. "You're so fucking beautiful."

He looked up at you, eyes so dark they seemed black, playful smirk on those perfect pink lips. Thump. You felt Jungkook pull your arms back and press them to his sides. You grabbed fistfuls of Jungkook’s shirt, staring down at Yoongi advancing between your legs, his smirk growing wider and more teasing, lovely voice low and husky, deep with arousal.

"What's the matter?" Yoongi purred. "Cat got your tongue?"

Your body tensed in anticipation, Jungkook's hands crawling around your sides, one tattooed, one not, fingers hovering over your now trembling chest. Looking down at Yoongi's smug expression, tongue flicking out and teasing you. Reminding you how good he was and how long you'd been waiting.

Fuck you for being hot, Min Yoongi!

"Don't overexert yourself..." you breathed.

A sculpted brow lifted.

"I have help now," he reminded you and Jungkook's hands sank into your barely-covered breasts.

"Fuck..." Jungkook hissed into your ear, running his palms over your nipples, listening to your gasps as Yoongi dived between your thighs, hot tongue sliding against the lace. "Missed these tits so fucking much." His lips on your ear, growling your name, that dominant edge to his silvery voice, tweaking the hardened nubs while Yoongi teased your clothed clit with his tongue, the lace hardly a barrier but still an effective one, the rough threads plucking against your sensitive nerves.

How long had it been? So long, almost forever since Yoongi’s tongue was on you, soft and fast and the perfect pressure, deliberately teasing you and not moving the fabric aside, so close yet so far. If it wasn’t Yoongi, maybe you could tell him to move it, maybe you could beg, but you couldn’t speak because of Yoongi’s tongue and Jungkook’s rough touch, his hands on your breasts, pushing them together, your nipples poking tiny tents in the black lace, running his fingertips over them over and over, his hips grinding into your ass. Yoongi cupped one of your ass cheeks and spread them, your panties bunching in the center, Jungkook’s hardness slipping in, still covered by his sweatpants.

Wetter, hotter, sanity slipping little by little.

“Y-Yoongi… J-Jungkook…”

You tried not to shove your hips in Yoongi’s face, not wanting to strain his neck, and ended up pushing back instead, bouncing against Jungkook’s cock. The younger man snickered, nipping at your ear, pinching your nipples, and you felt a slick squelch as Yoongi’s tongue pushed the lace into your dripping pussy. The moans dragged out of your throat, eyelids fluttering, letting them do whatever they wanted, pleasure flooding all your senses, watching Yoongi wreck you, clutching Jungkook’s sweatshirt, panting their names, leaking more and more, the scent of your juices getting stronger and sweeter.

“This isn’t fair…” you panted. “I’m going c-crazy…”

Yoongi hummed on your clit and you cried out, hips rocking, so good, head tipping onto Jungkook’s broad shoulder, his long blue hair brushing against your cheek and eyelashes.

“Good, because you make us crazy,” Jungkook muttered, pushing your breasts together and squeezing them roughly. His voice was so deep you could feel your back vibrate with his words. His other hand came up and gripped your chin, trailing down and fitting around your neck, the loose sleeve falling and revealing his forearm tattoos, contrasting your lace-covered skin. “Always looking so fucking pretty and making me want to fuck you…”

His index finger came up and pressed against your lower lip. Those chocolatey eyes were watching your face from his peripheral vision, smirking as he witnessed your expression.

“Even showing off these sexy, fuckable lips. That’s not fair either, noona.”

“T-That’s not…”

Jungkook’s hand at your throat dropped and you yelped, his large palm fitting around your right thigh and lifting it up, fingers sinking in. Stockings, lace, garter, Jungkook’s touch, holding your leg up and out, giving Yoongi a perfect view of your glistening core. Then there was more, too much more, Yoongi pushing aside your panties, soaked fabric snapping against the inside of your thigh and then his mouth was directly on you, oh, fuck, his tongue on your throbbing clit, lips wrapped around it, pure suffocating ecstasy, your slick juices dripping down his chin, so easy, it was just too easy for Yoongi to make you feel so fucking good and he looked so sexy doing it too, those cat-like eyes piercing into you, ordering you to cum for him, to spill all over his beautiful face.

“Yoongi… fuck, your tongue is so fucking good–”

Your body rippled with pleasure and you flung your head to the side, away from Jungkook’s ear to moan far too loud, filling up the entire hallway, wanton and lewd, absolutely pornographic and sinful in nature, orgasm gushing into Yoongi’s waiting mouth, shuddering against Jungkook’s hard body. So many sensations, too many sensations. Yoongi sank his nails into your ass, growling as he sucked out your cum and drank it, Jungkook grinding his stiff length in between your ass cheeks, spreading your leg so far that your left one was quivering with strain, tits squashed in Jungkook’s left hand, his warm tongue on your ear, whispering darkly. Dirty, sensual, and your pussy couldn’t stop throbbing, Min Yoongi’s mouth and Jeon Jungkook’s low octave driving you insane.

“You look so fucking good, noona. Your body is so fucking perfect, so sexy wrapped up in lace,” he exhaled, sliding his palm over your nipples roughly, earning more depraved moans. He lowered your leg, slowly, Yoongi lapping at your clit, sending shocks of pleasure up your torso as he cleaned you off. Jungkook’s hand slid down over your stomach, flicking the straps against your skin, small snaps of pain that made you gasp, trapped in Jungkook’s power, letting him take over you. He took a step back, forcing you to arch your spine and look up at him, a curtain of cobalt surrounding that handsome face and those intense brown eyes.

No one could make you feel the way Yoongi made you feel. No one.

So...

Why did staring up at Jungkook like this do things to you? Why did it put your heart on a string and tension in your throat? Get it together. You weren't a teenager. Ask for what you want. He was just so insanely attractive in every way.

Jungkook smirked and you wanted him to ruin you.

He lifted you up easily. You saw Yoongi standing up and wiping his chin, self-satisfied and amused. He tilted his head and plucked one of the straps on your stomach, a light, erotic sting. Yoongi made eye contact with you, locking you in his gaze. A single look, and your heart was fluttering, immediately smitten. One by one, fingers wrapping around a few of the straps and pulling you to him, backing up, leading you to the bed by own your lingerie.

"Why today?" Yoongi drawled, tracing the curve of the bra cup, sending shivers over your skin. "Feeling risky?"

You raised a brow, focusing on him, trapped in those cat-like eyes.

"Control yourself. Aren't you used to this body by now?"

Yoongi grinned devilishly, darting closer, leaving you breathless in his speed. The scent of his cologne and your orgasm lingered on his skin, a delicious combination.

"Never."

Kissing you, taking your startled inhale, and you could taste yourself, fuck, just something about his skilled lips and your taste had your fingers twisting into Yoongi's shirt, rolling your body into his, still being so careful, but it was so hard because he was making it so hard, teasing you with that deft tongue, bursts of pleasure with every heartbeat you had while captured in Yoongi's lips. You missed it, this intensity, the overwhelming feeling that Yoongi gave you, being able to give in to the want, but you still couldn't give in without abandon, but you were so close.

So close.

Ruin me.

He pushed you lightly and you felt another pair of arms wrap around you, the kiss suddenly broken, but the second touch was familiar now, one tattooed arm, one not, and you knew that if you fell, these arms could catch you.

Jungkook put you in his lap, your back touching his bare chest. Oh, shit. Before you could think much about it, he turned you so you were laying in his arms princess-style. He must have removed his sweatshirt while you were talking to Yoongi, but he still wearing his pants, now sitting in the side of the bed, blue hair messy from your hands and the removal of his clothes. Your arms hooked around his neck instinctively, not wanting to fall, but he had his right hand splayed across your shoulder blades, holding you up securely.

"Mmm, this is nice," Jungkook murmured, playfully smiling. He nuzzled your nose, tongue flicking over your lips. "Why did you make us wait so long, hm?"

You frowned, breath against his chin. "The number of cases got higher... and you all were so busy... I couldn't get tested until recently."

Jungkook made a disgruntled noise.

"Hey, public health and safety is important."

He pouted at you. "But..."

"He's horny and wants to fuck," Yoongi cut in.

"Hyung…!"

Yoongi pulled up his chair and sat down, looking amused.

"He's been jacking off to your pictures."

"N-no, I haven't!"

"Really? I have."

Yoongi's face was completely neutral. It was hard to tell if he was lying or not.

Jungkook tried to hide his flushed face with your hair. "... M-Maybe I h-have..."

"Tsk, tsk, naughty Jungkookie," you teased.

"Noona..."

"And you?"

You felt Yoongi grasp your chin, tipping you back in Jungkook's arms. Some of your hair fell over your eyes, hazing your vision of Yoongi. Even so, his intent was obvious. You could feel it in his gaze, the burning hunger, his fingertips caressing your chin, leaning forward slightly to observe you.

I want to ruin you.

Yoongi didn't have to say it. You knew it, pierced by the predatory glint in his eyes. You could tell he missed this, could tell that he wanted to give in to his desires, wanted to lose control, only limited by his own physical body.

However.

He pressed his thumb into your lower lip, lifting a brow.

Jungkook was here now.

Yoongi gave you his trademark open-mouthed smirk.

"Ruin me," you whispered, staring into those cat-like dark brown eyes. The recognition was instant, pleased that you knew what he wanted. You shifted your attention to the maknae, his chocolate eyes wide, watching your tongue slide out and licking Yoongi's thumb. "Ruin me, Jungkook."

You loved the way Jungkook could turn from blushing anxiousness to sly confidence, and all it took was your words and the way you said them, enabling him in the best way possible. The dark blue hair helped accented the shift in demeanor, creating cool-toned shadows over his lightly tanned skin.

"Anything for you," Jungkook purred.

You gasped sharply as you felt two fingers slide into you, Jungkook’s thumb rubbing your overstimulated clit. Your body jerked, trying to get away, but Yoongi's hand on your chin slid down, pressing on your chest, holding you still, your name a dangerous rasp from Yoongi's lips.

"Stay still."

Your eyes flickered down. Right hand. Okay. You shouldn’t be worried anymore, but you were. It was habit.

"Yoon–ah!"

You gasped, left arm firmly behind Jungkook's shoulders and the other behind you, your hand on the bed to steady your balance as Yoongi shoved the bra cups down, exposing your breasts. He lowered his head, the contact of his lips on your hot skin paired with Jungkook's thrust of his fingers into your pussy. Instant waves of pleasure overtook you, fingers sinking into the sheets and Jungkook’s hair, fuck, his beautiful navy hair standing out against your skin and, for some reason, seeing that made you feel prettier, thrusting your chest in Yoongi’s face to get more into his mouth, spreading your legs wide to give Jungkook more access.

Only a brief moment of, I should know better, I shouldn’t be doing this, and then Yoongi’s eyes were on you, tongue flicking your red nipple.

Let go.

Was this even fair to them? Could you satisfy both? Could you and should you? But Yoongi’s eyes were telling you to let go, to chase the feeling, to give in, and hunt the desperation and the want. They wanted you. There was nothing like this and there will never be anything like this again.

“Give it to me,” Yoongi growled.

You whined sharply as you felt two more fingers push into you, but not Jungkook’s fingers, Yoongi’s fingers, his thumb joining Jungkook’s on your clit and your eyes rolled back, so wet and aroused from knowing both Jungkook’s and Yoongi’s fingers were thrusting into you, four in total, your pussy sucking them in, back arching as Yoongi sucked on your nipple. So much pleasure, rapidly ascending higher and higher, so fucking full and tight that their fingers were making sloppy smacking sounds, matching rhythm so they filled you completely together, all at once.

You couldn’t stop your hips from meeting them, fingers spreading out in Jungkook’s hair and the sheets as you came hard, gasping their names, euphoria soaring through your nerves, and still they didn’t stop even though your pussy was violently spasming, creating a messy splatter of your juices on the inside of your thighs and their hands. Instead, the pace changed, Yoongi switching sides on your chest, and then you really couldn’t think, because Jungkook was lowering his head too, and now both of your nipples were getting abused, Jungkook’s arm firmly under your upper back to hold you up, not letting you fall.

“Yoongi, Jungkook… p-please, oh fuck!”

Your other hand flew up and buried in Yoongi’s dark locks, both hands in their hair now, one blue, one black, another orgasm crashing down, moan torn from your chest. And they kept going, changing the pace again, your toes and fingers curling, every muscle tense with irresistible, consuming ecstasy that you almost felt a little numb, unable to compute anything else but your body scantily covered in lace, two mouths sucking on your nipples, four fingers stuffed into you, clit engorged and sending violent shocks throughout your system. You couldn’t even discern one orgasm from another, pussy continuously throbbing and convulsing with the continuous, chained orgasms, so wet that it was soaking the tops of your stockings, the sweet honey of your cum the predominant scent in the room.

“I… I-I can’t take a-anymore, please…”

Your legs threatened to close but Yoongi snapped his head up, snarling your name dangerously.

“One more,” he ordered. “Give us one more.”

“Your pussy feels so good,” Jungkook panted, saliva dripping down your chest. “I love it so fucking much, even when it’s around my fingers.”

You were trying to hold back, trying to control it, tensing everything, your core, your legs, your arms, and you didn’t even realize it, but you held your breath too, biting your lip and seeing Yoongi and Jungkook at the same time, both watching you, fingers punishingly squelching into your tight little hole, stretching it out unforgivingly, abused clit pulsating so hard it almost hurt, and it was exactly what you wanted, brimming, boiling pleasure that threatened you on the brink, closer, closer, closer, and the world was almost hazy with how ferociously you had constricted the coil.

“Fuck!”

You threw your head back, back abruptly arching and smacking them in the face with your tits as everything came plummeting down, resolve cracking with a wanton howl, orgasm racking through your entire frame so hard that your body lurched and flinched, Yoongi and Jungkook cradling you while you rode your high, grinding your hips into their hands and carnally moaning, liquid gushing out and dripping down your legs, your ass, down Jungkook’s sweatpants and onto the bed.

It was such an intense orgasm that you were lightheaded, hands slipping out of their hair and falling down, drained, aftershocks causing your body to shudder, even as they removed their fingers. Your clit was still throbbing, pumps of pleasure spreading through you.

It was obscene witnessing Yoongi and Jungkook cleaning their fingers off right in front of you, pink tongues sliding between the digits, licking off your viscous cum, giving you a perverse sense of satisfaction when Yoongi moaned softly and Jungkook groaned lowly, savoring your taste like a fine wine. Yoongi spied your exhausted, smug expression.

“Do you think you’re done?”

You gave him a weak smirk. “I better not be.”

“Sit in Jungkook’s lap,” Yoongi said calmly. “Face me.”

You tilted your head curiously but did as you were told, shifting your still quivering legs so your thighs were on the outside of Jungkook’s thighs, the balance a little difficult, but Yoongi took your hands and placed them around his hips. You held onto him as he lifted his shirt, pulling it over his head.

“Jungkook, rip her panties off.”

Wait, what did Min Yoongi just s–?

Two strong hands dug out the lace trapped in your ass and fastened around the thin fabric.

Riiiiiiip!

“Yoongi!”

The shirt fluffed his black hair as he removed it, dropping it onto his chair. You glared at him as Yoongi looked down at you, expression blank, dark brown orbs full of mischief.

“You knew it was going to happen. If he wasn’t going to rip it, I was.” Yoongi placed his right hand on his left shoulder. His tone dropped, mockingly rueful. “You wouldn’t want me to hurt myself, right?”

Yeah, this was why you didn’t wear lingerie.

But, also, this was why you wore it today.

You felt Jungkook tugging off the now useless pair of panties, plucking them out from under your garter belt. Oh well. You liked the red more anyway. That’s why you had bought two sets, after all.

“Remind me to take all the bits before I go,” you grumbled.

“Sure, noona.” Jungkook dangled the said lacy bits next to your head. You narrowed your eyes and mouth into slits even though he couldn’t see. “I’ll put them in my pocket.” You felt him shove them into his sweatpants.

Were you… going to remember?

Yoongi beckoned you. You shot him a warning look, still annoyed, but Yoongi pointed down to your hands on his hips.

“Isn’t there something you want?” Yoongi mused in that raspy, dark tone, the one that made your irritation fade instantly and replace it with arousal. “Take it.”

He cocked his head, shading his dark eyes with his hair, pink lips parting, the slightest hint of a smirk. Challenging you. Go on. Show me how much you want me. Your body still buzzed with the aftermath of moments before and yet you still lowered your head, sliding your hips back, sucking in a breath as your puffy pussy lips touched Jungkook’s toned chest, smearing yourself on his skin.

“Ooh, I like this,” Jungkook murmured, leaning back a little to give you space. You rocked your hips into his torso, his muscles flexing under you opening, inflamed clit brushing against his hardness. You pushed Yoongi’s pants and underwear down, dipping your head, hearing Yoongi breathe your name lustfully.

“That’s a pretty picture.”

He was only semi-hard, but he was getting harder and harder, watching you grind against Jungkook’s pecs. You knew exactly how to get him the hardest, dipping down and latching your mouth around one of his balls.

“Fuck, yes,” Yoongi gasped, his hand coming up and fitting behind your head. You sucked it into your mouth and then extended your tongue, bouncing the other with your wet muscle while sucking the first one. The first time you did this, Yoongi was literally speechless, sputtering and confused at how you could stimulate both at once and in two different ways, sucking with your lips as your tongue flicked against the other, slurping slightly to add vibration over the sensitive skin. You felt his cock swell, smacking your cheek, fully hard at the combined sensations.

“I still don’t know how you do that,” Yoongi gritted out, keeping your hair away from your face.

“Do what?” Jungkook asked behind you, one hand on your ass and squeezing it.

“She can suck one of your balls and lick the other at the same time.”

“What?!”

You yelped at the sharp sting of Jungkook’s slap to your ass.

“How come you never did that for me?” Jungkook complained, whining a little.

You tried to lift your head, but Yoongi’s hand refused to move. You make a muffled noise of distaste, but Yoongi answered for you as you switched sides.

“Have you asked?” Yoongi replied calmly, sighing in satisfaction.

“How am I supposed to know she has porn star skills?”

“Is this a discussion for right now?” you mumbled into Yoongi’s balls.

“No, because you’re supposed to be swallowing.”

“Wha–”

The second your mouth opened, Yoongi nudged his cock between your lips and you wrapped them around it, moaning as his stiff length slid down your throat, so satisfying, his taste on your tongue, so delicious that you didn’t even want to complain, you only wanted to bob your head up and down, hands on his hips. Yoongi chuckled above you, guiding your head with his right hand, left loosely by his side. You slid your lower body up and down Jungkook’s chest, your increased slickness adding more stimulation.

“Fuck, that’s so damn hot,” you heard Jungkook groan. There was a rustle of fabric and then skin on skin, his muscular arm brushing against your stocking clad thigh with every stroke.

If only you could take a picture and could see how sexy you were, blowing Yoongi with his hand behind your head, tucking the head of his cock into your throat a little deeper every time you descended, your pussy sliding up and down Jungkook’s chest, and Jungkook furiously jacking himself off while watching you suck his hyung off, feeling your slippery clit throb against his skin.

Good thing the door was locked, because of any other member walked in on this, it might have become a damn foursome.

“Close,” Yoongi panted, fingers digging into your scalp. “You want it like this?”

You hummed approvingly in your chest, increasing your pace and fucking Jungkook’s torso harder, nearing your end too, Jungkook moaning louder and pumping himself harder. So many indecent sounds, skin on skin, mouth on skin, hand on skin, moaning, crying out around Yoongi’s cock, his saliva-covered balls smacking you in the chin, you ass slapping down on Jungkook’s chest.

Hot, wet, positively sinful.

The chain reaction started with Jungkook. He came suddenly, choking on your name, shooting up your chest, warm stickiness splattering onto your skin and you squeezed your eyes shut, moaning as you came all over his chest, slippery and sweet, drenching his skin, throat muscles tightening, Yoongi whimpering your name, a rare moment of lost control as he thrust his hips into your lips, coating your throat with thick hot strings, forcing you to swallow fast, the pressure satisfying and overwhelming, gulping it all down eagerly.

You did ask to be ruined.

Just… a little more.

Your eyes were still closed, lazily licking Yoongi’s twitching length. He was panting above you, gently stroking your hair, words so soft that they were almost inaudible.

“I love you…”

You went all the way down and Yoongi groaned, your tongue flicking the top of his balls, rapid, swift laps that made his cock swell again, bending against the roof of your mouth. Yoongi chuckled, knowing exactly what you were doing.

“Still want more?”

You backed up, panting hard, Jungkook’s cum clinging to your chest and lingerie, hair a mess from Yoongi’s hand.

“Want your cock in my pussy,” you demanded hoarsely. “Want you to fuck me, Yoongi.”

He pretended to think about it. “Hmm, I don’t know…”

You got off Jungkook’s lap, snaking around the younger man’s body, crawling onto the bed, eyes on Yoongi, his intense gaze following you, enticed by your movement. On all fours, hips in the air, dropping your chest down a little, the curve of your back accentuating the roundness of your bare ass. Still in your garter belt and stockings, your bra half-off, the lowered cups pushing your breasts together invitingly. Jungkook turned his head, pink lips parting as your fingers fanned out over the sheets, one eyebrow arching gracefully.

“Jungkook in front. Yoongi behind.”

“Do… Do you want a towel or something, noona?” Jungkook asked, blinking rapidly at your assertiveness.

“I want to get fucked and I want to get fucked now, so get over here.”

“Bed’s going to be a mess,” Yoongi remarked, moving quickly, shedding his pants and going for the nightstand, taking out a condom.

“We can sleep in Jungkook’s room,” was your dry reply, yanking Jungkook’s hips towards you after he removed his sweatpants.

“Wha– ack!”

You spread his legs out in front of you, eyes roaming over his naked body, admiring it all, his legs, his abs, his pecs, covered in your drying juices, his adorable surprised face, navy curls around his chiseled cheeks, chocolate eyes round and awed at your prowess. Your hands were on his knees, breasts hanging down, breathing hard, adrenaline humming in your veins.

“You are so fucking pretty it’s unreal,” Jungkook breathed.

You grinned.

“I can’t wait for you to fuck my face.”

Jungkook grinned back at you.

You dove down, tits bouncing before becoming squashed against the bed, Jungkook’s drying cum flaking off as you wrapped your lips around one of his balls, moaning as you felt Yoongi’s hands firmly grip your hips.

“You have to help me a little,” Yoongi murmured.

“I will, hyung.”

“I mean her too,” the older man chuckled, smacking your ass playfully. Your tongue flitted out, slurping at Jungkook’s other ball from the side of your mouth as you sucked the first one, wiggling your ass at Yoongi to indicate that you heard him. Jungkook yelped, hands slamming down onto the pillows and clutching them, moaning out your name.

“What the fuck, what the fuck, holy shit…” His head hit the headboard lightly, speaking to the ceiling and maybe even the higher power himself. “H-How...? Why does it feel s-so good…?”

You felt Yoongi slide in, so easy because of all those back-to-back orgasms, and yet he still hissed at your tightness, muscles holding him firmly. You could cry with how good it felt, Yoongi finally fully inside you once again, filling you up just the way you liked, knowing how to hit your deepest spot right away, skillful and wonderful. You licked up Jungkook’s now hard length, moaning deeply as you slapped your hips back into Yoongi’s crotch. Yoongi moaned to match yours, enraptured by the feeling.

“Fuck, you feel so fucking good,” he hissed, nails digging into your ass. “Missed you so fucking much, my love.”

“I’ll do the moving, love,” you gasped back, squeezing Yoongi’s cock inside you. You reached for Jungkook’s right hand and grabbed it, planting it on your head. “Fuck my face, Jungkook. Please. Don’t hold back until you cum.”

Jungkook bit his lip, exhaling your name. “I think I love you.”

“And I definitely love you, so please give it to me.”

You closed your lips around him and sank down, looking up at him and his sweaty dark blue hair, his blown-out pupils, his outstretched tattooed arm, so fucking hot, fuck yes you loved him, him and his body and his work ethic and his sweetness and his firmness as he obeyed your command, thrusting into your mouth from below, filling your throat with the thick head.

Perfect.

You rocked your hips back to Jungkook’s rhythm, matching him, slow at first, but gradually faster, rougher, planting your hands on the bed for balance, completely focused on clenching your core and your mouth to fit the two cocks, giving them the maximum amount of pleasure that you could offer, suffocating them with tightness. It if was obscene before, it was ten times obscener now, Yoongi’s hand on your hip, barely having to move as you smacked your ass into him, Jungkook lurching you forward with his force, clenching his jaw as he chased his release, the bed screaming for help and none of you listening.

“You’re so fucking sexy, fuck, you always make me feel so good, can’t help but want you, need you, miss you so fucking much,” Jungkook gritted out, fingers curling in your hair, desperately and viscerally whimpering out your name as you tipped your head to change the angle, the sensitive head dragging against the roof of your mouth as he buried himself in your throat. “You’re so good to me, such a soft and tight mouth, fuck.”

You arched your back a little more, Yoongi hitting you deeper, hearing him suck in a tight breath at your movement.

“Tighter,” Yoongi growled. “I’m close, come on, give it to me.”

And then he smacked your ass with his open palm, making you moan around Jungkook’s thick cock, pussy clenching around Yoongi’s entire length, and then again, smack! Control slipping with every hit, falling into Jungkook’s pace, the sheer force of his hips pushing you down on Yoongi’s cock over and over, now only focused on hollowing out your cheeks and gripping Yoongi’s cock, the sudden twitching indicating that Yoongi was close, so close, holding out a little so he could watch you longer, torturing you just the way you liked, but he couldn’t hold out for long because you didn’t let him, walls pulsating around him brutally as you came, stuffed so full that you couldn’t think. Yoongi groaned your name, gripping your ass with both hands and digging his nails in your softness, cock jolting as he came in thick pumps, filling up the condom and swelling it against your walls.

It took Jungkook a little longer, but not that much longer, your mouth still locked tight and he hissed out your name, whimpering as he came down your throat, filling it with cum once again, so fast that you had to swallow hastily to breathe, and yet there was more, thick salty dribbles that made you moan, so delicious that you leaned into it, sucking Jungkook dry.

“A-ah, n-noona…”

Your body ached, flinching from oversensitivity, your mind swimming with pleasure. Had it ever felt this good before? You slid off Jungkook’s cock, falling against his thigh and using it like a pillow, chest heaving, sticky all over, lips overused, pussy throbbing, barely realizing that Yoongi had pulled out, far too spent to see straight.

“Fuck, I love you two…”

Yoongi’s face suddenly appeared, smug expression above you. He had crawled over your body, ruffled black hair hanging down, dark cat eyes gleaming.

“Romantic.”

“You’re one to talk.”

“Mmm.”

He leaned down and kissed you, smiling against your lips, mouthing his love to you, forming each word against your skin slowly so you knew. You smiled back, showering him with light pecks, mouthing the words back to him. Yoongi purred and lifted himself up, taking you with him.

“I can’t move,” you complained, using your arms to push yourself up to avoid straining Yoongi’s shoulders. He chuckled, not the least bit fooled by your whines. He pushed you into Jungkook’s hard chest, covered in sweat and cum, and sandwiched you between them, your face right beside Jungkook’s, cheek to cheek. You could feel the heat in his face, his hair sticking to it.

“Noona?”

“Hm?”

Everything was far too messy for this cuddle session, but that could wait.

“Is it okay if I love you?” Jungkook mumbled, burying his nose in your hair.

“Mhm,” Yoongi responded, sounding sleepy.

You brushed Jungkook’s hair away from his face. “I would very much like that.”

“Everything is dirty,” Yoongi grumbled.

“You are a main contributor,” you said cheerfully.

Yoongi grunted, leaning against you, squashing you a little harder against Jungkook. Nothing to complain about. You were enjoying every second of this.

“Jungkookie?”

“Hm, noona?”

You reached up and ran a hand through his dark cerulean hair. Jungkook hummed appreciatively, closing his eyes at your touch.

“You know this shade is Cookie Monster blue, right?”

“… Hah?”

“Does that make you Ggukkie Monster?”

Yoongi burst out laughing, raspy and full, a rare moment of Min Yoongi absolutely losing his shit.

part v "Sorry, Jungkook, you're not allowed this time."

masterpost

#jungkook x reader #yoongi x reader #bts smut #yoonkook x reader #yoonkook smut #jungkook smut #yoongi smut #jeon jungkook x reader #jeon jungkook smut #jeon jungkook x you #min yoongi x reader #min yoongi smut #min yoongi x you #suga x you #suga x reader

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ghost-ghost-baby · 4 years ago

Text

We're Just Friends! (Omega!bakugo x alpha!reader x omega!Izuku) pt. 5/5

pt 1 / pt 2/ pt 3/pt 4

omegaverse lore

lore: Once an Alpha reaches 21 they get their first rut, they’d either already have their mates or the rut will act as a push for them to get together and bond.

summary: Reader and Katsuki have been friends for years, and everyone expects them to get together, until reader rescues an omega that lives in their building, and things get a touch more... complicated

a/n: FINALLY WE DID IT!!! SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG BUT ITS 4K WORDS!!!! ENJOY!!! general nsfw hcs will b posted at some point, gonna make a diff taglist for it tho so lemme know if u wanna b on it. Warnings: omegaverse, swearing, untraditional omegaverse roles, gets a bit spicy towards the end

“Okay, so, we’re inviting Kirishima, Sero, Jirou, she’ll wanna bring her mate Yamomo, and Yamomo will wanna bring her bestie Shoto, of course.” you had no idea what Denki and Mina were going on about, you and Izuku were waiting in the park while Katsuki finished up an exam, and the pair had cornered you with plans for your party. Izuku had been extra clingy, he’d held your hand all the way to school, and then inched his seat closer to yours in class so he could keep touching you in any way possible, and now he was practically in your lap, arms possessively wrapped around your waist and his head on your shoulder.

“Uh, okay, I wanna invite Shinso too, I know he’s Mr. Aizawas kid but he’s really nice, oh and Tokoyami, he might wanna bring Tsuyu-“ You were distracted, not that your friends noticed, by Izuku’s arms tightening around your waist, and you only realised he let out a growl because you felt it vibrate from his chest and into his throat. Your friends were still rambling, completely ignoring you and your mate, so you turned to Izuku with a questioning look.

“You okay?”

“I don’t like the way Shinso looks at you, why are you inviting him?” Izuku pouted, and you shook your head, reaching up to ruffle his hair.

“Don’t be silly, now Izuku. I’m with you and Katsuki, I’m only inviting him so he can make more friends!” Your answer soothed your mate, although barely, he’d just have to stick to you like glue for the entire party.

“Let’s go, c’mon.” Katsuki pulled Deku up by the back of his shirt, ignoring the omegas cry of protest to offer you a hand, gripping it tighter than usual and pulling you up, wrapping his arm around your waist as soon as you were standing, Izuku grumbling as he made his way to your other side.

“Wow Bakubro- the exam was that bad, huh?” Denki’s question was only met with a growl from Katsuki, and you shushed him before you turned back to your friends.

“Sorry guys but you heard the man! Text me if you need any help with the party but I already told you what I want!” You waved, Denki and Mina waving back from their place on the grass, and you heard them giggle as Katsuki pulled you away, the omegas scent much stronger than usual.

You headed right for the shower when you got home, only stopping to grab a towel, with your mates hot on your heels.

“What’re- what’re you guys doing-?” You were about to start stripping when you noticed them standing in the door, Katsuki with a frown and his arms crossed, Izuku hanging off him with an expression you could only describe as eager.

“You weren’t planning on leaving us, were you?” Izuku pouted, and for a moment you were too shocked to speak.

“I’m just- I’m just having a shower?” You frowned at the pair, and Katsuki let out a growl at your response.

“Why do you have to leave us for it though, we could shower together-“

“Katsuki! Absolutely not! The shower’s barely big enough for one person, no way the three of us are squeezing in there!” You shook your head, crossing your arms over your chest and staring down your mates. Katsuki was glowering at you, which you were used to, however, you were not used to Izuku’s puppy dog eyes, you never stood a chance against that.

“Fucking fine- you can stay in the bathroom, but if you so much as touch the shower curtain I’m locking myself in my room and not coming out until tomorrow, got it?”

“Yes alpha! Thank you!” Izuku flung himself at you, Katsuki joining less than a second later, at least they weren’t fucking growling at each other anymore.

“I forgot clean clothes, would one of you be okay getting me some? I’ll leave the door unlocked for you.” You almost fell when they pulled away, you didn’t realise how much you’d been leaning on them, and Izuku was answering without hesitation.

“I’ll grab you some of mine!” He pressed a quick kiss to your lips before he headed off, and Katsuki couldn’t help but let out a growl, quickly following Izuku’s kiss before he went after the other omega.

“Like hell they’re just wearing your clothes!”

The solution was Katsuki’s hoodie, and a pair of Izuku’s shorts, brought to the bathroom in record time, and both omegas looked so proud of themselves for compromising you got distracted showering them in praise and kisses for a good five minutes. Your actual shower was uneventful, although the conversation with your mates made it fly by, and you still made them turn around when you got out to dry off and get changed. Then you were being bombarded with kisses from your mates, and coos of how cute you looked in their clothes had you blushing. Then they’d ushered you to the kitchen, and Katsuki wrapped your arms around him before he started cooking, even nodding at Izuku for him to join, although he ordered the other omega to get him ingredients. Izuku didn’t seem to mind though, and he pressed kisses to your cheeks and lips every chance he got, even daring to press a few daring kisses to Katsuki’s cheek, which merely got a huff instead of the growl it would have in the past.

“You’ve been awfully good today, Kacchan.” You’d taken to calling Katsuki by the nickname, which still got a growl when you used it, but he was so cute when he got grumpy. He couldn’t help but let out a purr at the praise, it rumbled up through his chest and even Katsuki was shocked by how loud it was, he looked like a started cat, and you and Izuku couldn’t help but laugh, something you both got yelled at for.

“Okay guys, I’m gonna turn in for the night.” You yawned, trying to get up but being stopped by Izuku’s arm around your waist. Your movement woke Katsuki up from the doze he’d fallen into after dinner, and his red eyes were sleepily blinking up at you from where his head rested on your lap.

“Zuku? You okay…?” You shot your mate a questioning look, and Izuku bit his lower lip as he thought.

“Yeah, shitty Deku, they wanna go to bed, so do I.” Katsuki was finally coherent, although he made no move to get up.

“I wanna scent you first.”

“Huh- you scented me right after dinner-?” You were confused, and Izuku’s request had Katsuki bolting up and wide awake.

“Yeah but- I don’t know- y-your scent it’s- it’s stronger than- than normal and-and mine just keeps wearing off and- I don’t like it when you don’t- when you don’t smell like me.” Izuku was a blushing mess by the time he finished speaking, he always got that way when scenting came up, and you leant forward to kiss him before you spoke.

“You can scent me as much as you want, but can you do it in bed?” Your question had Izuku’s face going even redder, and the omega was too flustered to speak, which had Katsuki cackling.

“You broke him, Y/n! Apparently scenting in bed is too scandalous for sweet little Deku.” He grinned at Izuku before turning to you, “However, I have no problem scenting you in bed, he’s right about your scent overpowering ours lately.” Katsuki finally sat up, stretching more than he needed to in order to wack Izuku over the head.

“It’s not- not too scandalous-! Y/n, tell Kacchan to stop being mean!” Izuku whined, cuddling close to your side to rest his head on your shoulder and glaring at your other mate.

“Oi! Don’t bring them into this!” Katsuki growled, and Izuku only smirked, maintaining eye contact with the blonde as he leant forward to bite your neck, hard enough it had you yelping and Katsuki snarling as he pulled you to him.

“Hey- guys- what happened to- oh…” You trailed off when Katsuki started kissing from your collar up to your jaw, the blonde smirking at Izuku when you melted against him.

“That’s so not fair-!” Izuku followed, crawling forward until he was basically on your lap and you were trapped between the two of them, with their scents almost overwhelming you. “Y/n, look at me!” You didn’t even realise you’d closed your eyes until Izuku was whining and grabbing your face, green eyes darting to Katsuki still mouthing at your neck before he leant forward and forced his lips to yours, your eyes once again fluttering closed as you reached up to wrap your arms around Izuku’s neck. His lips were always so soft, and he kissed you like you were the only thing keeping him sane. You were brought back to the present when Katsuki bit down right above your scent gland, the pain and the placement clearing your head enough that you could push Izuku off and stagger to your feet, wiping your mouth as you tried to regain control of your breathing.

“B-Bed, guys-“ your head was still foggy, and you shook it to try and clear the haze. It worked, partially, but once it was gone you were so, so tired, you were ready to collapse.

“Look what you did Kacchan- you ruined all the fun.” Izuku pouted, but he was rushing to your side without hesitation, wrapping your arm around him so you had someone to lean on, Katsuki only huffing and joining the two of you a moment later, shoving himself under your arm on your free side.

“If both of you shut the fuck up and take me to bed I’ll still let you scent me, but don’t push it.” You growled before Katsuki could say anything, and both omegas shut right up at your words, bowing their heads as they practically carried you to your room.

You hit the bed with a relieved sigh, already closing your eyes before Katsuki cleared his throat, and you opened one eye to look at him, a moment passing before you realised why both your mates were just standing there staring at you.

“Oh, right, sorry!” You pushed yourself back up, automatically baring your neck and almost giving your mates an aneurism at the sight of you. Katsuki all but jumped on you in his eagerness, quickly smothering your startled noises with a kiss before he rubbed his wrist on his own neck and then rubbed his wrist over almost every inch of you, until you were completely covered in the smell of caramel.

“Don’t hog them!” Izuku was next to you just as Katsuki finished, and he shoved Katsuki out of the way so he could proceed to scent you too, although he chose to rub his scent gland directly over yours first, and you almost pulled back with a yelp from how intense it was. You somehow held it together until Izuku was satisfied that his and Katsuki’s scents were even, although the omega took over ten minutes, thankfully for most of it he was doing the same as Katsuki, but your eyes were still drooping closed by the end, and you would have fallen back if Katsuki hadn’t moved behind you to help prop you up, his arms wrapped low around your waist.

“Are you almost done, Deku? They’re practically asleep in my lap.” You could hear the smirk in his voice even if you couldn’t see him, and Izuku only huffed in response, although his eyes softened when you offered him a sleepy half smile. You looked so sweet, eyes lidded and face flushed, was this what you’d look like when-

“Oi! I asked you a question.” Katsuki leant forward to shove Izuku, and that snapped the omega out of his… more unsavoury thoughts.

“Sorry Kacchan! Y/n’s just so cute when they’re all soft and pliable like this, I got distracted!” Izuku grinned, quickly leaning forward to kiss you before Katsuki could yell, and you did your best to kiss your mate back despite your half asleep state. You didn’t want to pull away, but Katsuki didn’t have an issue breaking the two of you up, something you were thankful for, in that moment at least.

“Enough getting distracted, they need sleep.” The blonde manoeuvred you so you were laying down facing him, and Izuku let out a huff as he followed suit, mumbling something about how Kacchan always ruined his fun. You shushed both of them before Katsuki could reply, tugging the blonde closer for a kiss to stop him grumbling, then you were grabbing Izuku’s hands, pressing your head to Katsuki’s chest, and finally falling asleep.

You woke up covered in sweat, the hoodie you’d worn to bed now feeling like it was suffocating you combined with the heat your mates gave off, and you gently slipped out of bed, throwing the hoodie off and letting out a sigh of relief when you were just in a tank top. You still had twenty minutes before you needed to get up, and you turned to wake your mates, only to slap a hand over your mouth to stop yourself squeaking. Neither of them had woken up despite you moving, but Izuku must have moved closer to Katsuki in his sleep, and the two of them were cuddling, with Izuku’s head nestled against Katsuki’s chest. You quickly grabbed your phone, making sure it was on silent mode, before you proceeded to take a rather excessive amount of pictures of your mates. Then, still being as quiet as you could, you made your way out of the room and into the kitchen. You made yourself a coffee and a bowl of cereal, taking a seat at the counter before you opened your messages, quickly finding the group chat with Mina and Denki, and sending through one of the pictures. The response was instant, Mina going into all caps to scream about how cute it was, and Denki sent through a spam of keyboard smashes, also in all caps. You kept chatting to them while you finished your breakfast, but a yell from your room had you texting them goodbye and putting your phone down. Any minute now.

“Get the fuck away from me, Deku!”

“I was asleep, Kacchan, it wasn’t my fault! You’re the one that did this to me!”

“I thought you were Y/n, stop following me!”

“I’m not following you, I’m trying to find-“

“Y/n!”

“Y/n! Kacchan is being mean again!” Your mates turned the corner into the kitchen, Izuku sprinting to your side, and your eyes widened at the mark on his neck.

“Damn, what happened?” Izuku wrapped his arms around your waist, whining until you bared your neck for him so he could rub his cheek over your scent gland.

“I was just sleeping, alpha! And then Kacchan bit me!” Izuku whined against your neck, and you cooed as you reached up to play with his hair, calmly brushing through the curls and turning your gaze to Katsuki with raised eyebrows. At least the blonde looked sheepish, and he reached up to scratch the back of his neck before he answered you.

“You’re usually the one in front of me, how the fuck was I supposed to know it was shitty Deku. When did you even leave, huh? You’re meant to wake me up.” Katsuki growled, and you sighed and shook your head, he really couldn’t take the blame for anything, huh? Still, you gestured for him to join the hug, which he happily did, and you pressed a kiss to his forehead.

“I know you were expecting me, Katsuki, but you really uh- gave Izuku a shock, can you apologise? For me?” You cooed, only getting a growl in response, so you pulled away with a sigh, Izuku whining in protest at the loss of contact.

“Katsuki-“

“Fine. Sorry for biting you, Deku, even though it was your fault for cuddling me.” The blonde growled, but you weren’t going to get any better, and Izuku seemed happy enough, by the way he was hugging Katsuki.

“See, there we go! Izuku and I gotta get ready for class now!” Your words had both of them turning to you with a growl, and you could only look at them in confusion.

“We’re not going to class today, Y/n.” Izuku pulled away from Katsuki to look at you, and you were cut off before you could ask why.

“Yeah, your birthday’s tomorrow and you fucking reek, no way you’re leaving the apartment.” Katsuki crossed his arms over his chest, and you grabbed your phone with a rather dramatic sigh.

“Fine, guess I’m stuck here with you idiots.”

You’d gotten yelled at for that remark, and Katsuki was still sulking when he pulled away to go and shower, Izuku tugging you to the couch the second Katsuki was out of view.

“You still wanna scent me? We’re not leaving the house-“ Izuku kissed you to cut you off, and all thoughts went out the window as you kissed him back, letting him lay you down on the couch and pin you under him with his weight. Your head tilted back when Izuku pulled away to kiss down your jaw and neck, your hands automatically tangling in his hair to tug him closer, and Izuku let out a whine that had your scent going haywire. He kept going down, peppering kisses and sucking marks over your collarbone before he moved to your chest, and you briefly wondered where he was going with this, but then Izuku was lifting your shirt up for better access. He stayed at your chest for a few more minutes before he continued, pressing kisses to your ribs and stomach, and your heart was in your throat as he reached your hip, but then the omega just, stopped, resting his head on your hip and just gazing at you from between your thighs.

“You’re so pretty when you’re all hot and bothered like this, alpha! Are you disappointed that I stopped?” Izuku chirped, pressing a kiss to your inner thigh, and you were quickly grabbing a pillow to cover your rapidly growing blush, while Izuku just looked at you and giggled.

“Kacchan! Pass that shirt to me when you’re done!” Izuku was seated on the bed, casually scenting anything Katsuki had scented and thrown his way, as if this was the most normal occurrence ever. And it almost was, except for the fact you were stuck in the middle of the bed, getting growled at if you so much as shifted your position. They wanted to ‘build the nest around you’ apparently, which was something you’d never heard of, but you weren’t going to argue with your birthday a mere day away, Katsuki and Izuku had been… on edge lately.

“Arms please!” Izuku’s chirp broke you out of your thoughts, and you hesitantly held out your arms, although you got the message when Izuku leaned back against you, and you were wrapping your arms around him and resting your head on his shoulder without a second thought. A shirt was hitting you in the face seconds later, and you yelped at the impact, throwing the shirt right back at Katsuki.

“What was that for!” He snarled, throwing the shirt back at you and huffing when Izuku caught it, although both of your moods improved when he let out a happy hum and proceeded to scent the material before gently folding it and placing it on the bed. You couldn’t resist sticking your tongue out at Katsuki from where you were stuck behind Izuku and the blonde only grumbled as he got back to grabbing bedding from the cupboard you had especially for when he nested. He was… more subdued, than normal. He didn’t growl when Izuku kissed him, and you’d actually caught them cuddling on the couch when you came back from the shower. The lack of bickering was a breath of fresh air, and you couldn’t resist pulling Katsuki in for a kiss when he came to dump more material on the bed. He let out a grunt when you tugged him down, the blonde almost falling on the bed, his arms going either side of of Izuku, who took the opportunity to kiss whatever part of Katsuki’s neck he could. You were the one that had to push him away, and Katsuki growled at you when he lost contact, which caused you to flick his forehead and click your tongue, but Katsuki just pouted and got back to scenting the fabric. See what you meant? You’d be worried if his scent wasn’t so… content.

Movement next to you woke you up, and Katsuki came into focus above you as you blinked away the sleep.

“Good, you’re awake.” The blonde nuzzled into your neck and you tilted your head to the side for him, sleep still heavily clouding your mind so you couldn’t made sense of anything.

“Why am- why am I awake…?” You mumbled, too tired to stop yourself letting out a little moan when Katsuki pressed a kiss to your neck, and you felt him smirk against your skin.

“Your rut’s started, dumbass.”

“Mmmm? I don’t feel… any different… just kinda hot…. You smell really, really good, Katsuki…” Your hands went to his hips, and Katsuki let out an exasperated sigh, resting his forehead on the pillow next to you before he answered.

“God you’re so fucking stupid, that’s my heat, idiot, it woke me up. Deku’s started too but he’s still asleep, so I thought I’d wake you up now, I want to get something straight, okay alpha?” He went back to kissing your neck between words, and you only hummed in response, nodding as your eyes fluttered closed.

“Good, now listen, okay? I was here first, I want to fuck you first, and I want to mark you first too, okay alpha?” His teeth grazed your skin and you whined, your fingers digging into the blondes hips, and you let out a whimper when he bit down, almost breaking the skin.

“Of course, Katsuki- you’ve been so good of course you can…”

“Say it, I wanna hear you say it, alpha.” Katsuki pulled back, bracing his arms and caging you in so you couldn’t look anywhere but his face, and a blush spread over yours in response.

“You can- you can fuck me first, Katsuki-“ you barely finished the sentence before he was kissing you, nipping your bottom lip before he pulled off, his breathing heavier than it was before.

“Good, now, I guess we better wake shitty Deku up.”

The throbbing from both sides of your neck woke you up this time, and you groaned as you tried to move your neck, slowly coming around to your surroundings. You were on your back, with Katsuki’s head on your chest and Izuku’s on your stomach. When you finally sat up slightly, (you didn’t want to wake them) pride flashed through you at the site of the fresh bonding marks, and you couldn’t stop yourself letting out a happy purr. Unfortunately, your back was killing you- so you gently shimmied out of bed, pulling the blankets back over the sleeping pair before you turned to the cupboard to get yourself a shirt. Fuck, your neck was still killing you, maybe icing it would help? You couldn’t help the pained hiss that escaped you when you pulled the shirt over your head, still knocking the bites despite your best efforts to be gentle.

“Y/n…? What the fuck are you doing?” Katsuki rubbed his eyes as he sat up, his abrupt movement waking Izuku, who let out a huff at his sleep being interrupted.

“Neck hurts, I was gonna try and ice it.” You looked at yourself in the mirror, no wonder you were in so much pain-

Your neck and shoulders were littered with bites and hickies, some of them rivalling the bonding bites with how deep they were, you probably needed to do more than ice it.

“Oh, right, Deku got carried away.” The blonde let out a groan as he stretched, and when you turned back to them you weren’t surprised to see Izuku pouting.

“You got just as carried away, Kacchan! Don’t try to blame it all on me!” Izuku hopped out of bed despite his half asleep state, shuffling to your side and pressing a quick kiss to your lips before he cuddled under your arms, possessively wrapping his arms around your waist.

“Tch, whatever Deku, just take them to the kitchen to get some ice, I’ll check to see if we have witch hazel or arnica to help with the healing.”

taglist: @pasteldaze @hopeless-ro-simptic @ntngann @somerandominternetgirl-blog @ianem005 @lalaluvzen @antisocial-minnie @rogueofbullshit @hakunamatatayqueen @so-uncute @therealwalmartjesus @unlightedfool @all-the-kings-reblogs @cth-l @dudedontjudeme122 @lushpluto @ley-lani59 @seven-seventeen-blog-blog @firecet @invisiblemolly @wayward-bumblebee @glasswolff @graceorchid24 @letskidaddle @duskjelly @oddwvrlds @leslielikesmusic-blog-blog @akirahyoshi @tamakiwithcrab @xnorthstar3x @mitchiesdungeon

#omegaversse #reader insert #bnha omegaverse #bnha x reader #alpha reader #abo #omegaverse x reader #poly #poly fic #katsuki bakugo x reader #izuku x reader #bakugo x reader #deku x reader

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aphrodite-would-be-proud · 4 years ago

Note

Hey hey I saw your Armin like erens S/o and that made have feels😡😡 so now please...give more angst- Like Eren finding out Armin likes reader and decide s to talk please 😩😩✌️

You asked for angst so...i went the whole way there.

I think this can technically count as my first Eren x reader fic but i don't think I'll list it as an Eren's fic. He still ain't getting his own subcategory.

You're dating Eren, he finds out Armin likes you.

{ Armin x reader, Eren x reader | tw:cheating accusation, tw:arguments, tw:unhealthy-frienships, tw:lowkey-toxic, tw:bad relationship, tw:angst without comfort | heavy angst, no comfort, drama | modern }

{ "Calais Pier" 1801 by Joseph Mallord William Turner 1775-1851 }

Laying on the couch, Eren was scrolling through his phone while occasionally taking bites of the chips he digged out of Armin's kitchen. His finger stopped just as he reached a certain post from Historia

"Ymir's birthday is this Wednesday?" He said, glancing to where Armin was sitting on the Armchair.

Still typing on his laptop "yeah" Armin said, eyes focused on the screen.

"Huh...didn't take her for a birthday party kind of person" turning off his phone, Eren headed towards the nearby kitchen.

"Historia's the one planning it." Looking at the half full bag of chips Eren left, he frowned, "aren't you going? Also why do you keep eating my chips when you don't like the taste."

"Already went to Mikasa's birthday 4 days ago, and because I forget how bad they taste each time." Closing the fridge, Eren went to look through the cupboards instead. "Why do you have so much fruits in your fridge?"

The sound of typing slowed down, "that's the thing about birthdays Eren, each person gets their own day." Soon the typing stopped as he began proof reading his email, "my grandpa sends them to me."

Coming back to the living room empty handed, Eren sat back on his spot. "Either way, I have a date with y/n on that day"

"Oh" Looking away, Armin couldn't focus on the words on his screen anymore. "I hope you two have fun."

"We will." Eren said, staring at him for a second before looking away too.

Finally finishing his work, Armin set the laptop aside. "i just think it'd be nice to hang out more."

"hang out?"

"yeah like we don't see each other as much as we used to, a birthday is a nice excuse to hang out."

Staring directly at him, Eren crossed his arms. "uh huh, and just hang out?

Scratching the back of his neck, Armin met his gaze. "...well what else is there?"

The silence lasted seconds too long, an uncomfortable feeling growing slowly between them. It was Eren who broke it first "nothing, just... nevermind."

Not satisfied with the asnwer, Armin moved to sit next to his bestfriend on the couch, attempting a form of comfort. "Eren are...are you okay, you've been acting pretty...uh strange lately."

Resting his cheek on his hand, "what do you mean?" Eren said.

"You've been...distante lately, not spending as much time with us and being late or canceling last minute whenever we agree to meet up." Armin tried touching the other's shoulder, only to let go when Eren stiffened up.

His reply was so quiet, Armin wouldn't have heard if he wasn't sitting as close. "you're one to talk."

"what?" Armin tilted his head, wondering if he misheard something.

"I'm just saying, isn't it hypocrisy to criticise me for something you're already doing?" With narrowed eyes, Eren doubled down.

"I'm not criticising you, I'm just concerned for you."

"when's the last time you visited Armin? My mom has been asking why you suddenly stopped showing"

Feeling like something's stuck in his throat, Armin swallowed. "...I've been busy, work has been piling up and-"

Getting up from the coach to stare down at his friend, Eren didn't let him finish talking before saying. "yeah don't give me that work bullshit, I know for a fact it's just excuses. It never bothered you before so why now, it's like you've been lying to get out of things ever since…"

Fist grabbing in the pillow near him, Armin just stared up at Eren, the feeling in his throat intensifying.

Stepping closer, Eren was almost towering over the other while standing up. "Ever since y/n and I started dating."

"What are you talking about" Not wanting to face him, Armin stared at his feet instead.

"you know exactly what I'm talking about" Eren said, jaw clenched, "Jean told me everything."

That seemed to get Armin to meet his gaze "Jean?"

"yeah, of all people. Why did I have to know about this from someone else?" Putting space between them, Eren looked away in disgust, "all the letters, late night calls, good morning texts, gifts... I'm not stupid"

"believe me you've got it wrong" desperation in his voice, Armin was struggling to stay calm, "whatever Jean told you it's probably things Mikasa didn't know how to explain well-"

"Mikasa ? I didn't hear it from her." Interrupting him again, Eren seemed to be growing more agitated by the second.

Looking lost, Armin said "what? But I only told-"

"did she know about this too? And still kept it from me?" running his hand through his hair, Eren took another step back.

Standing up, Armin took a few steps towards him. "I asked her to, she was just trying to help."

Just looking at him made Eren's blood boil. "helping you with what Armin? Sleeping with y/n behind my back? Yeah what a real good friend she is." Not wasting any time in cutting the distance between them, "Keeping the fact y/n has been cheating on me with my best friend." He said in Armin's face.

"That never happened! Mikasa would never do that and you know that." Not backing away, Armin stood still.

"Mikasa would never, but I'm not stupid enough to believe you wouldn't do it Armin." Pressing his lips into a thin line, for a second Eren looked more hurt than angry, "I thought we were best friends, were you ever going to tell me?"

Attempting to touch his shoulder again, Armin said. "do you really think I would do that to you? Do you really think y/n would do that to you? Is this how little you think of me?

Only to be pushed away again.

"I don't know what to believe anymore" putting back the space between them, "I didn't want to believe Jean till I've seen proof with my own eyes. You're lying. "

Hands tightening into fists, "if you'd just calm down and listen then maybe-" Armin stayed near the couch.

Getting impatient, Eren said. "No. Don't-" only to be interrupted by a pillow thrown next to his head.

"You think y/n would cheat on you with ME? Really Eren? You think y/n would choose me over you? In what world would that happen, we both know i have no chance." Struggling to hold back his tears, Armin felt all his frustration pouring out.

Seemingly unimpressed with the other's outburst, Eren just scoffed. "There you go again with that self pity! I Don’t want any of your pathetic excuses, all you do is whine."

"Yeah? And all you do is get angry and yell." Shaking his head, before continuing, "that's why Mikasa didn't tell you, she knew you'd act exactly like this."

"I have every fucking right to be angry-"

"stop pushing everyone away, you're acting like a selfish self centred child throwing a tantrum." Interrupting him again, Armin didn't look away this time, "You just want to pick a fight without listening to what I have to say.

Attempting to lick his lips, Armin tasted saltiness, only realising then his tears have been pouring for a while.

Not wasting the chance, Eren pushed even more. "I'm the child ? At least I'm not the fucking crybaby in here. Remember Armin? When you grandpa-"

His eyes were burning again, throat aching in shame. "Don't- please don't bring it up."

"why? What are you going to do about it? Are you going to cry even more?"

His vision getting too blurry to see, Armin wiped his face with his hands. "now you're just being-"

"I don't care about your opinion on how I'm being, no one asked for it." Whatever guilt Eren might have felt he pushed away, "You didn't seem to care about mine before going to fuck the person I'm dating-"

"I DIDN'T, WHY CAN'T YOU BELIEVE ME." Having used all his remaining energy to yell that, Armin sat back in defeat on the couch feeling too overwhelmed.

Eren stared him down as he collected himself, waiting for an explanation to follow as he leaned back against the wall.

After a minute, Armin began talking again. "yes I wrote y/n peoms and letters, yes i called really late at night and yes I looked at them in a not so innocent way, but I've never ever done anything inappropriate."

Eren stayed silent, only looking at him in an unreadable expression.

"Yes I liked y/n while knowing you're dating , and i fucking wished they'd like me back. Yes i have feelings for them but y/n did nothing to betray your trust neither did i cross any lines. "

"...how long have you been bottling this up."

Hesitante to answer, Armin couldn't meet the other's eyes anymore. "Before you started dating...even before you met actually. I've been planning to confess to them but...it was too late. I take full responsibility for this I'm really-"

Finally seeming to calm down, Eren moved from where he was standing. "I don't want your apology. So y/n didn't cheat on me?"

Shaking his head, Armin replied. "No...it's just me."

Another full minute of silence passed before Eren grabbed his Jacket from the couch, his phone too. "would...you've told me if y/n did it?"

Armin look at him, confused. "What?"

"Cheating on me, from your speech you seemed to be hoping for it to happen." Walking to the door, he began putting his shoes back on.

Armin didn't know how to reply, he just sat there.

"can you deny it? Can you say you've never hoped for y/n to leave me for you?"

He was speechless, Armin couldn't even attempt to form an answer.

"that's what i thought, what kind of freind are you? You act like you're the bigger person yet you were just waiting for me and y/n to break up for your own selfish desires" Opening the door, Eren stepped outside, "And instead of talking about it you just try to avoid me forever? That's your genius plan Armin?"

Having followed him at the last second, Armin was standing next to the doorway." I didn't know what else to do, i couldn't just watch you and y/n from afar knowing i could've had that! It was torture!"

"real mature, attempting to steal the person your best friend's dating"

"Steal? You're the one who got between us in the first place. Since day one you've done nothing but hog y/n at every chance you got."

Getting up in his personal space, Eren said. "If you had a problem with it then why the fuck didn't you speak up Armin?"

Why didn't he speak up? That's something he's been asking himself every night before falling asleep. "I wanted to, I just-"

"just what? Be honest for once in your life, no one forced you to stay silent, you chose to." Eren looked at him.

Did he? Every action you don't change is something you're choosing...Armin couldn't even look at him.

But instead of waiting for him like every time, Eren just stepped back, slammed the door shut before walking away.

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storiesforallfandoms · 4 years ago

Text

driver’s license ~ machine gun kelly

word count: 2520

request?: no

description: in which a new song reminds her too much of her ex, and leads them to reconnect

pairing: machine gun kelly x female!reader

warnings: swearing, angst, sadness

based on this song (of course)

masterlist

Who knew that a song by a 17 year old could cause so much hurt to be brought back for me? Not to bash 17 year olds or anything, but when I was 17 I could never write something so heartbreakingly beautiful.

I was on my way home from work when the song came on the radio for the first time. I was captivated by the lyrics immediately and found myself having to pull over because I couldn’t stop crying. It took a solid five minutes and having to play my happy playlist on Spotify before I finally felt okay enough to get home, however the minute I got in through the door I found the song on Spotify and listened to it all night.

The lyrics connected with me in a way that a song hadn’t in years, and the pain in the singer’s voice opened up fresh wounds that I had thought were long closed.

She's so much older than me She's everything I'm insecure about

Of course he ended up with her. Even if he hadn’t actually left me for her, he always told me there was nothing between them besides on screen chemistry. And now they were dating and supposedly “so in love”.

And I just can't imagine how you could be so okay now that I'm gone Guess you didn't mean what you wrote in that song about me 'Cause you said forever, now I drive alone past your street

He wrote so many songs about me. He played every one of them for me after writing and recording them, just to get my approval and my okay to put them out. They were beautiful songs - songs in which he promised forever. He’d always said he was going to marry me one day, make me the mother of his future kids. His “forever girl”.

Can't drive past the places we used to go to 'Cause I still fucking love you, babe

God...did I ever still love him.

Our relationship didn’t get a proper closure. At least, not on my end. It all happened so fast. He came home after a long tour and was silent the whole night. He didn’t even try to make love to me the way he always did after being away from me for so long. The next morning, he told me over breakfast that he had lost feelings for me. He asked me to get my things and take them back to the apartment I still had despite basically living out of his home. Then he left, saying he didn’t want to be there to watch me leave.

After that, it was like he stopped existing. Well, it was like Colson Baker stopped existing. Machine Gun Kelly was everywhere, especially after announcing his new relationship with Megan Fox, in which he made sure to post pictures and videos with her basically every week. But the Colson I knew and loved stopped existing. He blocked me on everything, even my phone number. He didn’t reach out to me, neither did Casie. I figured the latter was because her father told her not to, which almost hurt more than the breakup did. I loved Casie like my own daughter, and I loved Colson more than anything. And in the span of 12 hours, I lost both of them.

I credited that non-closure to the reason I had such a hard time moving on, even after being broken up almost a year. I really thought I was okay, until I heard fucking Olivia Rodrigo singing about her own heartbreak, and it made me remember mine was still fresh.

On one day that my thoughts were becoming too dark to bare on my own, I decided to go out for a drive to clear my head. I turned on the song, just to make myself more depressed I guess. I wasn’t really paying attention to the road (not good, I know) and, I guess by some muscle memory, I found myself driving down Colson’s street. I hadn’t realized where I was until I saw his familiar house, which his familiar car in the driveway...and his familiar tall frame getting out of it.

My breath caught in my throat and I was sure I was about to crash the car. I looked at him for a little too long, every good memory we ever had rushing back in that moment. He was looking down at his keys as he bumped the car door shut with his hip. I wondered if Megan was in the house waiting for him, and found that that thought hurt me more than actually seeing him.

I saw his head lifting, looking in my direction, for a split second before my eyes darted back to the road. I hoped he couldn’t see me in the driver’s seat, or that he didn’t see me looking at him. I hoped he just thought I was a random car passing through the neighborhood. If he couldn’t see that it was specifically me driving, there was no way he’d know it was my car. There were too many cars like it.

My heart was racing and I could feel tears welling up in my eyes again. I knew I had to pull over, but I was still too close to his house to feel comfortable stopping. I blinked my tears away and continued driving, trying to steady my heartbeat as I drove to the coffee shop just at the end of his road. The one we always used to go to.

I got out and went inside, hoping that getting something to eat and drink would help me to settle down before I drove home. I ordered an iced coffee and a muffin and took it to sit in a booth tucked away in the back of the coffee shop. I was trying to distract myself with my phone when someone approached and spoke.

“Hey.”

My whole body tensed up as I looked up to see - of course - Colson stood over me.

“Hey,” I said. I cringed at how hoarse my voice sounded. God, pull it together (Y/N).

“I thought that was you driving past my place,” he said, shoving his hands in his pockets awkwardly.

“Yeah, sorry,” I said, trying to come up with some excuse on the spot as to why I was in the neighborhood. “I haven’t been to this place in so long and found myself craving some coffee. I guess...it was just muscle memory to come through your way to get here.”

“Don’t apologize,” he said. “I...I actually got a little excited. I thought...I thought maybe you were coming over for a second. I forgot...”

His voice trailed away.

How could he forget we broke up when he was the one who dumped me? And he was the one who moved on soo effortlessly?

“Can I sit?” he asked.

I shrugged in response. “Free country.”

He chuckled at my joke, and my heart did an involuntary flip. God, I missed that laugh.

He sat across from me in the booth and looked down at his hands. I stared down at the food in front of me, suddenly feeling too queasy to eat. Instead, I took another sip of my iced coffee.

“How have you been?” he asked.

The questioned annoyed me.

How have I been?! Well, let’s see: you absolutely shattered my heart, went MIA on me and took your daughter with you, started seeing the much older, much prettier actress that you told me you had no feelings for and decided to rub it in my face through social media, all while I have been so broken for nearly a year that I constantly have friends and family checking in on me to make sure I’m still alive. How the fuck do you think I’ve been?!

I decided not to respond that way though, even though I was aching to make him feel bad for what he did to me. I knew it was the smarter option to try and be the bigger person in this situation.

“I’ve been okay,” I responded, trying to be as vague as possible. “Not too much as happened really. Still...same old me.”

I didn’t ask him how he was, because I already knew. He knew that I knew, because how could I not? His face was plastered everywhere, usually sucking on Megan’s face as well.

“It’s cool to see you,” he said instead. “I...It’s been too long.”

“Well, it tends to be hard to communicate when you block someone on everything overnight.”

I quickly took a sip of my iced coffee, almost wishing that would put the words back in my mouth.

Colson winced. “Yeah, that was...that was wrong of me. I...I’m sorry.”

“Why the fuck are you here, Colson?” I finally snapped. So much for being the bigger person. “Couldn’t you have just watched me drive past in peace? Did you have to follow me?”

“I felt like I had to,” he said. “I wanted...I wanted to know I hadn’t just seen you this time like all the other times I saw a car that looked like yours. I had to know if it was actually you this time. And I...I had to see you in person again.”

“You could’ve called at any time,” I reminded him. “Or messaged on social media, or even just texted. You could’ve even sent a fucking letter, Colson! If you wanted to see me that bad, you had ways of reaching out. You decided not to, you decided that the break up meant I was non-existent to you anymore.”

“I know!” he snapped back, his hand hitting the table and causing the contents on it to rattle. All eyes in the coffee shop were staring at us for a brief moment before going back to what they were doing. “I fucking know, and it was the worst fucking mistake I’ve ever made. I’m so sorry, (Y/N), I was a complete idiot.”

“Sorry means nothing to me, Colson,” I told him. “Sorry doesn’t undo the year of heartbreak and agony you put me through. Sorry doesn’t undo the fact that you left me for six months to go on tour, that you texted and called me every morning and every night to tell me how much you loved me and how you couldn’t wait to see me again, even on the night before you came home, only to do a complete 180 the moment you got off the plane. It doesn’t excuse the fact that you told me to take my shit and leave the place I had considered a home for two years because you were ending the five year relationship that you claimed to be so deeply in love with. And it especially doesn’t excuse the fact that mere months after the break up you were all over Megan fucking Fox!”

He was silent for a long time. His eyes were becoming moist with tears, and I could feel a lump growing in my own throat. But I couldn’t break. I refused to do so. Not in front of him, not right now.

“I’m such a fucking idiot,” he finally breathed, his voice cracking slightly. “You have to know how much I truly do fucking love you, (Y/N). That never went away. It’s still there, you’re still my forever girl in my heart. But when I came home from tour...my manager called me as I was boarding the flight and told me that there was a plan in motion to get promo for the new album and for the movie with Megan. They wanted Megan and I to date for PR, to be all lovey dovey in front of the cameras and to gush over one another constantly. I reminded him about you and he told me I had to break up with you. He gave me no option, he said either I did that or I was being dropped from the label. No album, no movie, no...no nothing. Just the loser who was still being referred to as the idiot who got his career destroyed by Eminem.”

It was a shocking revelation. I had known Colson’s manager, he seemed like such a nice guy. He didn’t seem like the type to give those kinds of ultimatums. But there was that saying about a wolf in sheep’s clothing...

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked.

“It was easier to make you think I just wasn’t in love anymore,” he said. “I didn’t want you to think I was choosing my career over you, cause I’d never do that. You meant - you mean - the world to me (Y/N). You’re my everything. I just...all the hard work I was putting into everything, for all of that to go to waste, for everything to flop just because I didn’t want to fake date my co-star. I was afraid of the power my manager held over me so...so I just did it. I went along with the plan. I pretended to be hopelessly in love with Megan when I had no feelings for her at all.”

He reached across the table and took my hands in his. I jumped and thought about pulling away from him, but I couldn’t deny that it felt nice to feel his touch again.

“I love you, (Y/N),” he said. “More than anything, you’re the person I want to be with. That bullshit with Megan, it’s long over. We just haven’t made it known publicly, but it will be announced. I want to try and pick up where things left off with us. I want to have you back in my home - in my arms - preparing to marry you someday. Please, (Y/N), can you please forgive me?”

It was the words I wanted to hear more than anything. I had dreamt about hearing Colson ask to take me back ever since he had broken up with me. At that point in time, I probably would’ve jumped at the chance, too. But this time, I slowly pulled my hands away from his. He looked at me in confusion.

“I can’t,” I told him. “Colson, you really fucking hurt me. You left me with no explanation, not even any closure. I get why you did it, but you have to understand that you telling me now isn’t going to undo a year’s worth of hurt that you put me through. I don’t know if anything will ever undo that at this point.”

I stood from the booth, taking my coffee with me and leaving a heartbroken Colson looking up at me with puppy dog eyes.

“There’s this song I’ve been listening to,” I said. “It’s called Driver’s License. I think it’s the only accurate way to describe how much you hurt me when you broke up with me. I encourage you to listen to it, then you can try to take me back again.”

I turned quickly and left before he could see me cry.

#machine gun kelly #machine gun kelly imagine #machine gun kelly x reader #colson baker #colson baker imagine #colson baker x reader #mgk #drivers license #olivia rodrigo #imagine #one shot #angst #song #song prompt #fanfiction #fanfic #fandom

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bokettochild · 3 years ago

Text

I'm just posting this to rant at myself, it's literally just me rambling about my issues

I usually try not to do this but I need to get it out there somehow and journals just make it feel more bottled up.

For your own sakes, there is no need to read this, I just am writing everything below the cut as a form of therapy for myself.

Have a lovely day everyone! And please take care of yourselves and do something that you love!

(Bambina, if you see this, you're not allowed to read it, okay? I'm telling you this to keep you safe, alright? Just scroll past and I'll hug you when I get back to the house, alright? Also, i'm working on another story for you <3)

I just want to write how I feel because there's a lot going on and no one really cares to listen to my problems, since I'm supposed to be the one listening to theirs. (There's a reason my siblings call me the family therapist).

If you bothered with looking down here, stop here. I'm just pretending to be heard, but I don't want to make other people upset or sad or feel obligated to help. And diaries aren't doing it for me. So I'm trying this.

This is just a vent post.

For your own sake (and mine I guess) just let this disappear. I just want to pretend I'm getting it out where someone can hear it, but I don't actually want people to listen because it's pathetic and it might hurt feelings and it might make others feel sad, which I don't want

I am tired.

I am in pain. My hands hurt, my joints hurt, I'm sure at this point I've developed arthritis, even though I'm only 20. But I'm not all that surprised.

I want to go home and rest, but I can't because my co-worker ditched on me and never showed up to relieve my shift, so now I'm working both of our shifts and have to stay here until closing time instead of getting to go home to my bed and a real lunch. Instead, I ended up having to sit on the floor of our back room and eat fast-food for lunch, because I didn't bring a lunch because I thought I'd be home by then. And we don't get chairs. Or a microwave. Or even a fridge. My boss said she's look into it, but that was months ago. So we just have to sit on the floor when we aren't working. and while I welcome getting to sit, it still hurts my joints and my back now hates me and never really stops hurting.

I want to go homer, and I want to cry, and I want to get a hug, but none of those are options because I have to stay at work, my body can't handle crying for more than a minute because it remembers that I'm not supposed to cry because then people get mad at me, so I taught myself not to. And I can't get a hug because the only hugs I get most days are from people who come to me to get one.

And I hate it.

I hate that all I'm good for is giving. Because I'm running out of things to give. all the people in my life want me for is so that I can give them time, money and attention.

I love them, i do, but I can only talk people down from suicide so many times, and talk them through depressive states, and convince them to not self harm, and reassure them that they're loved so many times before I eventually have no more energy to offer help. I'm pushing, but there's no more energy and I don't know when I'm eventually going to stop answering the phone or replying to texts. I don't want to not care, but GOSH DANG IT would it be nice not to need to! Not to have to worry about keeping people alive. Or helping them feel loved. Because they feel like SHE hates them, or doesn't care, or only tolerates them because SHE birthed them.

Pities sakes! I love them, but there's a problem when HER children call ME mom! I don't mind it! But she should be the one parenting them and offering advice and helping them cope with grief and their feelings of inadequacy, after all, SHE helped cause those problems in the first place! I'm tired of cleaning up HER messes and helping raise HER children! I'm tired of standing in and filling every role that's empty and being what I can't have because I don't want the rest of them to go without!

I'm tired of being the listening ear for everyone around me and yet being told I'm too loud when I talk (it's not my fault my hearing sucks)! Sometimes I wonder who was the one the doctors told I was deaf (I'm not, I can hear, just not well).

I know I talk loud, and I laugh louder! I know that my existence is a bother! That's why I tell them I'm shutting up! That's why, when SHE says my name in THAT way, i already know what she's going to say. 'I don't mind you singing but I have a headache right now' or 'It's too loud right now, I need you to be quiet' or 'I have a migraine'. I get it, those are valid, but you don't need to tear into me the moment I know what's coming and respond in kind. No! I'm not trying to be rude and impudent, i just know based off of experience what you are going to say, because you always take the same tone when you say it! You say it the same way every time! You don't need to scold me at the breakfast table for telling you that I would shut up, because that's what you wanted! You got mad at everything I said afterwards! That's why I was trying to shut up! Because you don't like what I have to say and I'm too tired to get yelled at again!

Honestly, I can't wait to go. I can't wait to leave. I know SHE won't let me until I'm going away to school, because if a suggest it (because I've tried) SHE will go on and on about how much I must hate her and the family because I'm trying to avoid them and that must be why I spend so much time at work- even though I spend so much time at work BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE WILL TAKE THE SHIFTS! And I've tried cutting my hours, I did! I agreed to work here for maybe 20+ hours, NOT 40+! This was not something I was intending on happening MOTHER! I didn't get asked. I agreed to 30+ for the holidays, and they inched it up until I didn't realize and now they won't drop them but i have to keep the hours and I can't quit because it was SO HARD to get hired the first time and if I ever want to escape to someplace I feel safe so I can maybe find HOME than I need the money!

I know SHE wants me to think of that house as a home, but it isn't, it never has been. Once upon a time, I called the place where we lived HOME. Because I had a friend there, i had my horses, I had my space and I could run around the property for an hour when I felt lonely and I could brush the horses and talk and sing as much as I liked and tell stories and no one would care because they couldn't hear me and I was alone with my thoughts and the animals and it was NICE! It was safe, even though I knew the pigs would bite me if I came too close and the horses could kick me and the cows liked knocking me over. But I knew what to expect at least! I knew what I was risking. i wasn't wlaking on eggshells to avoid making HER mad! I wasn't dancing around teh wrong words so I didn't make the rest of them depressed. I didn't have to think or feel outside of what I chose. i didn't have to put on a GOSH DARN FAKE MASAK OF A SMILE! I could cry! I could sing! I wcould write stupid poetry and by an angsty teenager and let myself wallow while hiding in the hay and it was okay! Yes, I got yelled at for being outside so long, but it was worth it!

I don't have that now! There's a tiny yard that THEY can see every inch of. There's a house with no room I can go too to get away because I don't even get a real bedroom! I just get a boarded off part of HER workroom where my bed and clothes could fit but I can't even get in the door without tripping because there's hardly any floor! There isn;'t a real wall, just a thin board that everyone shots over, and I can't sing or talk or think out loud because it annoys HER when she's in there and I'll get teased or questioned or yelled at by everyone else because that's a family space, don't be so loud and dramatic, we're trying to exist too, and you can't make us leave becausde THIS PART isn't your room, that part is. So stop being loud and singing because we hate it and you're always off key- but how the heck, prey, must I get on key when my throat closes when I hear you walk near and I can't hit the notes and I'm scared to sing because you'll tell me to stop being so loud?

I hat that room, I hate that tiny little space that feels like a cage where anyone can and will barge in whenever they want, and where it doesn't matter what time it is, my mom will still talk to me over the walls at ! A.M. and get mad when I don't come out to look at what's she's working on it and compliment or congradulate her on it even though all I want to do it read my silly little fluff-fics and listen to my music and be allowed to get away into my head because the world is too small!

I don't want top be in taht house where my mind follows everyone and I have to tune into their emotions and I CAN"T STOP LISTENING TO EVERYTHING and there's too many people talking and needing and wanting and I CAN"T DO IT ALL ANYMORE!

I want to love them and i want to take care of them and I want to have moments where we're family and do things together and tell jokes and laugh and share special moments that I can tell my friends about. But there's no friends to tell, just my ex-boyfriend, and there's no happy family moments because the moment SHE walks into the room we're all waiting like soldiers on the parade ground for her to break whatever moment I finally carved out and give us all orders.

I can't even sit with mi bambina for a hot minute and read her a story without having to freeze and wait to see who's walking into the room, to have to make sure it's not anyone who will listen in and get mad at me for liking Zelda, or writing fanfics, or for saying stuff like 'bull-crap'. I can't sing in my own room unless they're out of the house. I can't focus when I'm at home, even when I have a pile of homework to do. I can't focus because I know I'm going to be called and they're going to come in and they will need something and my brain is listening, always listening, I turned it on to listening so that I could be there for others and maybe they'd be there for me too, but now I can't NOT listen and it hurts! It makes me want to cry and scream and throw things and run the other way! But I can't run, because I can't leave the house unless I'm going to work; I can't go on a walk because I'm a girl and people will take advantage of me, and I can't go places unless SHE takes me because she gets mad when I tell her I'll take myself and acts like I'm trying to run away from her (I am, I want away, i want to go away and find someone who cares) but I don't want to have to deal with her huffing about it for a week. But when I let her take me to places, there's a time limit, I'm running on her time, i have to be near her, come back to HER, It feels like being on a FREAKING leash and I just want to wander! I just want to spend time, not worry about wasting hers!

But I want to get out from under HER eyes, I want to go to a place and spend time. BUt there's no where to go and no one to go with because ther aren't any people who want me for anything more than what I can give them. All my siblings are making friends and don't need me as much anymore and I STILL DON"T KNOW HOW TO! How do you talk to people? How do you make them not think you're pathetic? I'm one out of two people in a family of twelve who isn't neurodivergent. I DON"T KNOW HOW TO TALK TO NEUROTYPICAL PEOPLE! I don't know what things they like and can't recognize the memeds they use or the movies they watch or the games they play and I hate politics and I hate not knowing what to say. I hate feeling stupid, and I know he never tries to make me feel dumb, but the one dude I'd almost call a friend is just a literal genius and I never know how to talk to him and I can only track half of what he says and he's dumbing it down for me and I know it and he's really sweet about it but I still don't understand and I feel so awkward when I can't say more than ten words at a time to him and I DON"T HAVE A CRUSH ON HIM even though they think I do.

And I hate that every time I'm near a boy everyone thinks I like him but I just TALK LIKE THAT! I'm not flirting, and I don't feel attraction that way and there's so many turn offs (this one's allergic to fur, this one's got the same mental illness as the sibling who bullied me throughout my childhood and made me hate myself asnd the people around me and I'm scared he's really like she is and is just going to use me; I don't hate mental illness or the people that have them, I'm so, so used to them, but I'm scared that I won't see I'm being used again before it's too late). I'm used to having to compete for attention, used to having to be perfect and amazinga nd gosh darn it Dad! I know you said I'm Mirabelle and not Isabella but do you kjnow how much her song resounds in my soul? Do you know how amazing it is to think I don't need to be perfect to be loved? Do you know how much I looked to her, saw myself, and just wanted to cry? I know you see the mask of teh sister who brings the family together, the little Tweety Bird that "lights up the room with her smile" and who you made you cry when you realized that she was bullying a sibling, even though you didn't know that was how we curvived. You didn't know that we had to hurt each other so that someone bigger wouldn't hurt us, you didn't know how we would tear each otehr down and struggle to stay perfect in the eyes of our bully so that they would show us love instead of hurting us by having the other help them. YOu don't know how much I had to force myself to drop in order to hold my sister and care for her and help her and love her after years of us being pitted against each other. You don't know what it is to promise myself I'd be what no one would be for me! You don't know what it was to force myself to push away my insecurities so I could encourage my rival and help her feel better and make her smile. You don't know how much my hands hurt when I'm hold them and stroke their hair and soothe their pains, Do you know what it feels like to strain your muscles to give a message? Hoping someone would show you some love for all you did for them? Do you know what it is to pour all of yourself into the people around you only to have them drop you the moment they're allowed into the world I was never let to see, even though it was the only thing I ever asked HER for?

No, he doesn't. he doesn't know any of that because his siblings and he were actual siblings with inside jokes and teasing and games and stories, while the only stories I can tell are ones where I blush at how stupid I was or feel like crying because I miss that time so much.

I know they don't know, but I can't tel them because that will hurt them and I'm past hurting others so someone will love me. I saw what that did. I know how that hurt my siblings, i know how it damaged things, I know how hard it was to convince my sister that I do love her and think she's talented and beautiful after I stood my and let myself be party to hurting and insulting her so that our bully would like me instead of her, knowing if I failed that she would be the one hurting me instead.

I let go of that, i walked out, I stopped competing for love, and I won't do it again, but man would I like to have someone try an dlove me a little. Not for what I can give them, but because they just want to be around me. Not because they have an idealized version of me that my parents have painted and I have to follow around them, but because they see me as I am and love that and want to spend time with that, not the silly mask my parent's carved and i have to wear.

I know it's silly, probably selfish, but that's the truth of it.

I know I should ask God for help, but I've been doiung that for years, and- well, he made us to love other people right? He won't be mad if I ask him for a person too? I know He satisfies all needs, but is it wrong to ask for a human too? He's right there, I know, I think I can feel him sometimes, a hand on my shoulder when I walk through a dark room where my sister says she sees ghosts, sitting with me when I study in corners of the house where everyone else sees spirits but i can't feel or see anything.

But is it wrong that I want a human too? I don't think he'd mind me wanting to actually feel a hug, or a hand in my hair- he made me loving those things, surely He doesn't mind me asking for someone to give it? We aren't made to be alone, He said as much "It is not right that man be alone" so why am I? Why can't I make a friend who will love me and who I can love and who I want to give my time and love too, who I can trust to not throw it in the dust and stomp on ot or make fun of me?

I know I'm broken, but am I really so hard to love that every human I meet just turns the other way?

Why are the only people who want to spend time with me other than mi bambina the boy who needs more than I can give and the guy from church who's mother is trying to force one of us to marry him? He's nice, sure, but she wants him to get a wife that can take care of him because he's mentally disabled, but he's like ten years older than me (or more?) and I can't even tell her I'm demi because than she'll mention it to HER and SHE will yell at us for being anything that's not strictly cis/hetro. She says she loves my trans brother, but she only yells at him and makes him feel unloved and he doesn't like being near her anymore because she never has anything nice to say that doesn't sound judgemental somehow.

I am lonely, i am in pain, i want a hug, I want to go home, i have spent an hour typing out my woes and I am drained, but I know that they are in the house and will talk and chatter and NEED from me when I get back, and all I want is to curl up and cry and drink some cocoa and let myself be and not worry about the deadlines for school or that my only phone contacts are my family members and co-workers (and my ex) or that I don't have a way to escape it.

......

I think that's enough.

I sincerely apologize to anyone who read this far, I'm just tired and emotionally worn out and needed to feel heard. I couldn't just write in a journal because it still feels bottled up, so I wrote this because it makes things feel like there's someone listening.

I'll be okay, so don't worry. I've made it 20 years, I can handle a little longer until I'm graduated and can go away to art school. I just needed to get everything off my chest and pretend there was someone listening.

If you did read this, than please make sure to take care of yourself and drink some water and stretch, because even if one of us is hurting, you shouldn't have to as well.

Gosh I hope there is no one reading it though...that would be awkward.....

#i'm just having a bad day #you can ignore this #(if your mental health is as shit as mine #iwould suggest avoiding this post altogether)#take care or yourselves my lovelies!

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captainlevisteacup · 4 years ago

Note

Oooh, an idea has struck. The brothers reacting to Dom Male!MC reuniting with his childhood bestfriend in the Devildom, only their bestfriend is now a high ranking/powerful incubus who has a fuck ton of influence & money. (Not nearly as powerful as any of the brothers or Diavolo, of course, but you get the point)

And while normally a simple childhood friend wouldn’t be enough to bother the brothers, DM!MC’s Femboy CH!Bestfriend is the optimum of gorgeous, with a lithe & toned body and an “innocent” charm to him.

Spoiler Alert, CH!Bestfriend has been in love with DM!MC since they were kids (though it was just puppy love back then) and is determined to never let him get away from him again, resulting in him being extra clingy and needy.

Another Spoiler Alert, DM!MC’s childhood bestfriend may or may not be a mix of a “Worship” & “Self Sacrifice” Yandere.. (Look up “The Dere Types Wiki” if your confused)

You have some very interesting ideas😂 im so sorry this took so long, I didn't want to post it until I was back up to my full working capacity after getting injured and after breaking up with someone😁

Anyways, without further ado, here ya go😘

The Brother's Reactions to M! MC'S Yandere Childhood Incubus! Friend

Warnings: Violence, Language, Blood, VERY SLIGHT sexual themes, some non-consentual touching in Levi's section, brief mention of drugging in Beel's

Lucifer

At first, didn't think twice of MC having a childhood friend

But when he heard the word incubus

He got the smile on his face

You know the one

Lucifer "innocently" is around whenever the incubus is around

Its starts off small

Little poisoned glances from the incubus here and there

But eventually it escalated and turned into him putting a possessive arm around MC's waist

Lucifer snapped

The second the Incubus was alone, Lucifer followed him down an alley

Slammed that fucker against the wall and held him there by the throat

The incubus started laughing, even when Lucifer tightened his grip

"You'll never get rid of me. I have connections to everyone, Fallen Angel. I've loved him since before you even knew he existed, and a prissy peacock like you isnt gonna stop me from making him mine, even if I have to drug and kidnap him"

Lucifer only smiled and released him

The incubus smirked, daintily dusting off his lithe figure

Thinking he won, he shouldered his way past Lucifer

Only to stop short in horror

Deep growls greeted him

Lucifer didn't even bother hiding the screams of the incubus as Cerberus ripped into him

After a while, he signaled Cerberus to stop

As the incubus lies on the ground whimpering, Lucifer calmly says:

"Now that I've shown you just what I'm willing to do to protect MC, I'll make you a deal. MC cares about you, as a FRIEND. But his heart belongs to me and me alone, and mine belongs to him. If you can understand and respect that, I'll allow you near him. But one wrong word, one wrong placement of a hand, and I won't hesitate to finish you off myself. And believe me," he says with a dark chuckle "I won't be as gentle as Cerberus."

Mammon

This man immediately is on high alert

Someone trying to take what's HIS?

The incubus makes him more greedy than ever

Decides not to leave MC's side for a second

Even when he's sleeping

When Mammon can't help the incu-bitch (his nickname for the childhood friend) being around, he acts sort of like a child, which makes him look like a dick in comparison to the incubus's calm and innocent facade

Mammon tries to tell MC there's something up, but he just chalks it up to Mammon being Mammon

One day, MC randomly receives news from the human world that his mother contracted something contagious and was placed in ICU

The incu-bitch was, of course, right there when MC started tearing up, letting him cry into his shoulder

Mammon sees this and starts to protest

This leads MC to snap and tell Mammon he's being a child

Mammon leaves them be and thinks hard

Comes to the conclusion that maybe MC is right, and he begrudgingly decides to apologize to the incubus

As he approaches him, Mammon catches a glimpse of the Incubus's *expensive* phone

Unable to resist, he throws a coin against the wall in the opposite direction.

When he turns to look at the noise, Mammon snatches the phone and yeets off to his room

When he gets there, he opens the phone- no lock- and is startled by what he sees

A fake texting app, along with the messages telling MC his mother was sick

Mammon was about to run to find MC, when he heard a slight chuckle

Looking up, he saw the incubus...holding a knife

"You just couldn't stay away, could you? You've been a pain in the ass ever since I got here. But no matter, once MC sees how *cruel* you are to his defenseless childhood friend, he'll want nothing to do with you. And he'll be mine to fuck and own as I please."

Mammon gritted his teeth and ground out "Making MC think his mother was gravely ill just to get close to him when he's vulnerable? You're disgusting. I actually care about MC, and I respect them more than you ever will."

The incubus snorted, and raised the knife.

"Oi! What do ya think you're doing with that?" Mammon yelled

He raised the knife....and slashed it across his own arm

He then threw the knife towards Mammon, threw himself to the ground, and yelled out in pain

Suddenly, MC burst into the room

Mammon sputtered out a panicked explanation, but MC cut him off with a stare

He kneeled down next to his friend, who reached up with a bloody hand to cup MC'S face

MC put his hand over the incubus's....and sharply bent it backwards

He leaned down and whispered into his ear: "I heard everything, you little shit. Now, get the FUCK out of my house and away from my boyfriend, and don't even THINK of defiling my life with your presence ever again"

After he left, Mammon cautiously said "boyfriend, huh..?"

"Shut up mammon"

Levi

Oh, this won't do

Immediately feels threatened and triggered

He is the avatar of Envy, after all

His response?

Prove to MC nobody can know him as well as he can

He does this every single time the incubus is near

"MC, I got you your favorite drink!"

"MC, I ordered you some food. Don't worry, I already know what you like"

Flinches whenever the incu-bitch touches MC. It literally makes him cringe

His suspicions are confirmed when the incubus shoots Levi a malicious glance next time he touches MC

Levi snaps

Challenges the incubus to a video game duel

He surprisingly accepts

He cheats like hell and beats Levi

Levi goes into his demon form and rages

But MC thinks he's just being a sore loser

He tells Levi to back off and to go cool down

Once Levi storms off, the incu-bitch thanks MC for standing up for him

Then, he promptly tries to make a move on MC

He reaches out a hand to unbutton MC'S shirt

MC slaps his hand away, but not before noticing writing on the Incubus's hand

Before he can pull away, MC snatches his hand and sees cheat codes written on them

Gets super upset and tries to get up to apologize to Levi

The incubus pulls him back down by his wrist and pins them to the couch

"MC, don't you realize? You're all I want, all I need. I WORSHIP you, MC. And you're going to be mine. Nobody else can have you. And you're going to love me, whether you realize it right now or not. You'll learn with time to need me just as desperately as I need you"

Starts to take off MC'S clothes in spite of their fighting and protests, the incubus shushing him

"Shhhh, I know you don't see it, but this will make you see."

Levi slams open the door, tail lashing and face white with rage

"Get your normie hands the fuck off of my human. Now."

The incubus nopes the fuck out. He may be a high ranking incubus, but he still isn't as strong as one of the seven demon brothers.

Levi holds MC tightly as they fumble over an apology

"Shhh MC, its okay. I'm here now. Let's watch some anime and calm down together, yea?"

Satan

Do I even have to explain this one?

Is hostile as soon as MC even MENTIONS a childhood male friend, let alone an INCUBUS

Honestly, the Incubus is a bit scared of Satan

But, he decides he wants MC more than he fears Satan

So, he swallows his fear and patronizes Satan in tiny, unremarkable ways

Ways that would only be noticed by Satan

A stray hand here and there that lingers a LITTLE too long

Wiping a crumb from MC'S lips during a meal

Tucking a stray hair behind MC'S ear

Every last one of these actions makes his blood boil

It gets so bad that Satan is just in a perpetual state of rage, never leaving his demon form

Satan starts passive aggressively insulting the incubus's intelligence

"Oh, you mean you don't know how disestablishmentarianism impacted the overall congruence of Midwest society? Thats odd, its fairly simple. Practically common sense."

Is shocked when MC got livid at him, because he was being condescending for seemingly no reason

Starts to get angry at MC

"Can't you see? He's trying to turn you against me. Just LISTEN, DAMNIT!" He says as he grabs MC'S shoulders

The incubus barges in and shoves Satan away from MC

"Are you ok, MC? Did he hurt you?"

The amount of white hot rage in the room was tangible

He can't do it anymore

Slams the incubus against the wall

Knocks him to the ground

But when he falls down

A bunch of photos fall out of his jacket

Not normal photos

Horrifying ones

One of MC while he showers

One of MC sleeping

One of MC changing

Even one of MC and Satan having a steamy moment

MC goes still...and then SLAPS the shit out of the incubus.

He wordlessly turns to Satan, eyes pleading

"It would be my pleasure, MC" *evil grin*

Cue Satan dragging the incubus off by his hair

Asmo

P A S S I V E A G R E S S I V E

He sees this lovely incubus with NEARLY perfect hair, a lithe and toned body, and a seemingly innocent attitude, and he just wants him gone

He's been with plenty of Incubi, so he knows what they're like

Because of this, he doesn't want this one anywhere NEAR his darling MC

Comes up with a plan to use all his fashion design connections to outdress the incubus

He knows they're vain by nature, so he comes to the conclusion that this is the best course of action

But there's a problem

"Is that a statement piece from Priya Lacroix? She hasn't even released her collection yet"

Asmo.exe is not responding

He knows that HE is the only one Priya would ever give an early release to

So why does THE INCUBUS have her statement piece?

And WHERE is his phone?

Complains to MC, but MC doesn't take him seriously because he's too busy catching up with his friend

Asmo gets jealous and storms off to do a stress relieving skin routine

As MC and the incubus hang out, the incubus's phone goes off

Only...the ringtone is sinful indulgence

Mammon storms into the room

"AHA! I FOUND YA ASMO, YOU ANNOYING LITTLE- huh?"

"I/N? Why do you have Asmo's phone?"

"MC, you have to understand, I just want you to realize I'm the only right one for you. You NEED to realize you can't be with anyone else. Because you're mine, MC. You always have been."

Screeching could be heard in the distance, then footsteps quickly getting closer and closer

"THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY" Asmo yells as he slams open the door

"As if MC would choose a crusty, obsessive, STEALING, lying, probably STD having Incubus like you over me! Now give me my phone back and get out of here. And while you're at it, take off that Priya piece. There's a reason I'm the only one allowed early access."

Beel

Honestly doesn't think that much of it at first

He thinks its nice MC reunited with one of his childhood friends, and an Incubus at that

But when he meets the friend, something just feels off

He gets a weird sensation, and its not hunger

Its like his senses are on red alert

The incubus was nice enough to Beel, seemingly charming and genuine

But Beel couldn't help but feel rubbed the wrong way, with a sensation similar to seaweed against legs in the ocean

He doesn't want to mention this to MC, because he's convinced he's just overreacting

He feels a little sad that MC is too busy for him, but he does his best to give them time together

One night, he had made some food in the kitchen and decided to bring MC and I/N some

When he neared the door, he almost dropped the plate

He heard a loud thud, and MC saying "Hey, I said no, okay?"

He gently opened the door and looked at MC, who immediately forced a smile to his face

"Hey MC, I brought you guys some food. Is everything ok?"

"Thanks Beel, that's sweet of you. Everything's fine, I promise"

Beel relaxed a bit, although he still knew something was off.

The incubus excused himself to use the restroom, encouraging MC to eat without him

Beel and MC sat down, and Beel scarfed down his portion

Chuckling, MC offered his plate to Beel, who gladly accepted

The incubus opened the door shortly after with an expectant look on his face, as well as rope and a gag in his hands

Upon laying eyes on MC, a shocked expression came onto his face as his eyes darted between MC and the empty plate

"How are you still conscious?" He blurted

Confusion flashed across MC'S face. "What do you mean, I/N?"

"You drugged it, didn't you?" Beel spoke up.

"I thought it tasted odd," Beel continued "but I never would have guessed you would actually drug MC. I'm guessing you couldn't handle that MC rejected your advances, so you drugged the food while MC was distracted talking to me. Am I right?"

The incubus chuckled. "Guess I was wrong about you. You are more of a threat than you seem. Heh, I guess you're not just a talking stomach after all."

A loud smack could be heard shortly thereafter.

But the devastating blow didn't come from Beel

It came from an enraged MC

"Trying to drug me I could keep my cool over. If thats all you did I would have just told you to stay the hell away from me. But the SECOND you spoke to Beel like that, you signed your own death warrant."

Before he could react, MC summoned the brothers one by one, Beel explaining the situation.

"Well, MC, perfect timing as always. I was just beginning to get bored" Satan drawled

*screams*

Belphie

It takes a yandere to know one

Belphie doesn't want to alarm MC though, so he decides to outmaneuver the incubus without him noticing

It starts small, with I/N reaching out to put an arm over MC'S shoulder, and Belphie's arm already being there

Eventually, they start glaring daggers at each other the second MC looks away

After a while, Belphie decides to up the ante

Religiously falls asleep on MC when I/N is trying to spend time with him

Goads the incubus so much that he corners Belphie when he snaps and can't take any more

"Listen, I know exactly what you're doing. But if you think that YOU can take him away from me, you're sorely mistaken. MC is mine whether he likes it or not. And if it turns out to be the latter, well, let's just say he won't have much of a choice in the matter, nor will you have any control over it. Got that?"

Belphie does the one thing he knows will get the outcome he had painstakingly built up to the past couple weeks: he laughs

"Ah, you have a good sense of humor, know that? Funny stuff. All kidding aside, MC already belongs to me. So your child's play isn't gonna cut it. Got THAT?"

With a choked cry of fury, the incubus pulls out a knife and stabs Belphie

Belphie, having planned this, falls to the floor just as the door opens to reveal a shocked MC.

"BELPHIE! Shit, please be okay! What the FUCK is wrong with you, I/N?"

The stunned Incubus could only stammer out a couple words

"I- he...was gonna...tried to take what was mine. Tried to take you..."

MC laughed bitterly and shoved him to the floor.

"I don't know what sick world you're living in, but I belong to Belphie. I love him. And I hate YOU. Now I'll leave you be so you can deal with THAT. Ta ta." He says as he scoops up Belphie and heads out the door

"Deal with what?" I/N nervously asks after him, backing up warily

The incubus stops when his back hits something hard.

Gulping, he looks up...

"Hello, I/N, I'm Beel."

"Nice to...meet you? I imagine you're one of the brothers?" He replies shakily

Beel smiles. The light doesn't reach his eyes.

"Yes, I'm one of the brothers. You see, I'm Belphie's twin."

Across the house, Belphie smiles at the faint screams, MC curled up next to him after patching him up.

He succeeded in protecting what was his. He deserves a good nap. Holding MC tighter, he goes back to sleep.

#obey me #obey me headcanons #beel obey me #leviathanobeyme #lucifer obey me #mammon obey me #yandere #yandere belphie #asmo obey me #obey me asks

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imo-chan-imagines · 4 years ago

Text

『 As your boyfriend | BNHA Headcanons 』

From the good, to the bad, to the downright adorable.

Characters: female!reader, Aizawa Shouta

Tags/warnings: Boku No Hero Academia (anime), 18+, explicit descriptions of sex, smut, fluff, soft dom Aizawa, relationship, headcanons

⚠️ 18+ CONTENT! MINORS: PLEASE DO NOT INTERACT ⚠️

A/N: Right, so I'm simping for this man biG TIME, but I'm only on season 3, so no spoilers or anything, please. This is my first BNHA post (and it turned out way longer than I was intending 😅) Please let me know if you want more in the future!

Also, I have a repetitive strain injury, so typing stuff is taking a while at the moment. Sorry about that. Thanks for reading! Please enjoy ♡ ~Imo

☆ Aizawa Shouta ☆

I'm not going to lie. Shouta can be a big ol' grouchy pants sometimes, and it's basically impossible to win an argument against him makes you want to tear your hair out, sometimes

But most of the time, he's just tired and in pain, and he doesn't mean to be so crotchety

He's not the type to make excuses, though. That's childish. He means his apologies, even if they're simple

He'll normally initiate an apology by gently wrapping his arms around you from behind and resting his forehead on your shoulder 🥺

Physical contact is incredibly personal and intimate for him. He doesn't just touch anyone, or allow them to touch him

You're special 💞💫

Soft, gentle touches, like his fingers interlacing with yours, or his leg brushing up against you, are basically his way of saying 'I love you'

Catch me crying in the corner, a'ight? 😔

He rarely ever raises his voice. Like, ever he doesn't need to, and is aware that it can be scary

He's definitely the kind of guy to forget to tell people that you're dating, simply because he doesn't see how it's relevant or anyone else's business 🤦‍♀️

I mean, he ain't wrong, but–

And his mood switches between 'antisocial' and 'clingy' like a mechanical metronome did someone say 'cat'?

Sometimes, you'll be lucky if he speaks more than three words to you together in a whole day nothing personal 🤷‍♀️

But on other days, he literally won't let you out of his arms for the world he's complicated, okay?

You have missed many a parcel delivery because he wouldn't let you get up from his lap to answer the door 🙄😂

Boundaries and responsibilities are key and highly respected by Shouta, and he would NEVER erase your quirk without your permission, unless he literally had no other choice like someone's going to get hurt, or something

Is generally quite serious so what's new? but you're one of the few people he can relax around when he feels like it

9/10 of his jokes are dad jokes 😎 hell yeah

Takes a hard stance in financial debates, but is constantly broke af 😶 says he'll buy you dinner and presents you with some instant noodles with a 'Reduced To Clear' sticker on them

Will take a bite of your food/steal some off your plate without asking, and literally say nothing to defend himself #gremlin

Is incredibly shy and uncomfortable about being ~le horny~ until you've been together for literally forever

Even then, he's still shy about it when he has to bring it up and it's pretty cute, let me tell ya

It took him forever to admit to you that he gets turned on when you eat ice lollies

Guess what you do whenever you want to mess with him like a little brat 😛

But if he's in the mood, he will 100% whisper something dirty in your ear, even if you're completely alone and probably well past third base

He does it because he knows your pussy will clamp around him at the sound of his voice 😳🥵

*fans self profusely*

Genuine, unadulterated smiles are rare with Aizawa, but when he does 🙌 Heaven hath opened its gates and allowed an angel walk amongst mere mortals 🥺🤧

If he lays his head on your chest, he will fall asleep like that *snaps fingers*

Surprise nose and forehead kisses to show he loves you ❤

Calls you 'Kitten' this is basically already canon at this point

And he's all about those deep talks with you at 3 am when he can't sleep

Speaking of insomnia!

It's cheesy, but you're like a soothing balm. The warmth of your body makes him feel safe, your touch helps him relax, and your voice soothes him to sleep

He's never slept as well as when you're beside him 😭🤧

When cuddling, he likes to be the big spoon but will accept being the little spoon if you if you press your boobs against his back and ask really nicely 🤭

And he loves you stroking his hair and running your fingers through it 🥺

Netlix nights and pillow/blanket forts!!

Rainy days are a godsend. Staying inside all day under the blankets, with the soft sound of the rain falling outside and no-one to interrupt you – literal paradise

He makes mean hot cocoas and Irish coffees 😋 I feel like this man lives off Irish coffees 😂🤣

Wears a lot of black and grey sweatpants at home 😗 which highlight the outline of his dick just right, if ya know what I'm sayin' 👀

Doesn't like going out for dates and prefers staying inside and doing stuff together same, honeyy

But if you really like going out, he will somewhat begrudgingly agree to it and get all dressed up for you, just so long as he gets his fair share of home-dates, too 🤗

But if you also don't like going out... the two of you will basically never leave the house, except to get groceries in your pyjamas from the 24-hour convenience store down the road at one in the morning oddly specific, I know, but you get me

And sorry, but I don't make the rules

Well, actually, I do. But shush

We all know that Shouta cleans up *chef's kiss* So when you go somewhere ~fancy~ he always looks so damn fine 😩

But he has very little idea that he's hot he sees himself as a tired, walking dumpster fire🚶‍♂️🔥

Shouta will 100% turn into a crazy cat dude with 15+ cats if you don't stop him I never said you should, though 🙃

And is a 'minimalist texter' – basically, if he can't answer a text with 'yes', 'no,' 'maybe', or 'OK', then he probably won't answer it at all 😭😂

Especially if you try and sext him or send him your nudes while he's at work. He'll probably lecture you when he gets home and depending on just how much you turned him on, he might proceed to teach you a lesson...

But wear his shirt, and just his shirt or his hoodie and he's yours

Heart eyes, motherfucker 😍

And, depending on how you two are feeling that day, you may or may not end up getting dicked down on the nearest semi-flat surface right then and there 👀

But don't misunderstand. This is an incredibly tired man you have here, and his libido actually isn't through the roof sorry, ladies so this kind of thing isn't an everyday occurrence

But when he dicks you down, he dicks you down goooood

Shouta's not big on PDA, but makes up for it in private. We're talking hands and kisses all over your body he leaves nothing unloved 😏

And while he's not big on PDA, he is big on sneaky displays of affection or 'SDA', as I like to call it

Like subtly grabbing your butt for a second, or his hand on your thigh under the table at a dinner etc. especially around other people

But what really gets him going is slowly removing your clothes and taking you fully naked, spreading your legs wide and holding them open he likes the view 😍

He lowkey highkey worships your body 🙏 and will literally not shut up about how fucking pretty you are, and how fucking good it feels inside you his words, not mine 😳

Groans and growls a little when he's getting close/cumming especially when he's being a little rough and likes to cum together, but knows it's not always practical

He tends to be a gentle dom, but can get just a teensy bit 🤏 rough if he's too into it – but nothing outrageous

We're talking rough thrusts and a brutal pace, maybe holding onto you a little too hard and, waaahh, he gets so embarrassed if he leaves bruises

Is also into a little bondage, but again, only light stuff – restraining your wrists with his hands or his tie or his Capturing Weapon 👀 maybe blinding-folding you if you're okay with it

If you're not blindfolded, then I'm afraid he's all about that eye contact

Eating out your pussy? Eye contact. Pounding you into the mattress? Blazing eye contact. Rearranging your guts in front of the mirror? Fucking eye contact

And CONSENT, BABY. THAT'S WHAT HE'S FUCKING INTO 😌🙌💞

But all jokes aside – he's too used to taking without consent with his quirk, that he's kind of paranoid about it comes to sex but it's adorable and sweet, and honestly, still kind of hot

And speaking of eating pussy – goddamn does he like to please you. Like cream to a kitty 😛

Oh, and he just loves it when you suck on his fingers as he's pounding into you 🤤

And he likes to leave love bites in personal, inconspicuous places and sometimes on your neck

He's marking his woman 😌

When he gets suuuper horny, he likes to fuck you from behind, standing upright in front of the mirror. It's a specific kink he has of watching himself stretch you out as the length of his cock disappears inside you...

I can get behind that, lemme tell yaaa

I said he tends to be dominant, but female doms – fear not!

Shouta is quite flexible when it comes down to it and is kind of lazy, lmfao so he definitely has time for laying back, having the control taken away, and having his dick ridden

For him, it's really all about communication and what you're both comfortable with

I will say this, though: sometimes, his cat watches you while you're banging 😅😂

The first time it happened, you freaked out and refused to continue because – how could you??? But eventually, you just kind of got used to it 🤷‍♀️

The same way you've got used to it following you to the bathroom every time you go to take a shit 😭

So now, you just kind of laugh about it, which helps keep things a little lighter 🤗

After sex, he does like to snuggle, but you'll be lucky if he stays awake for more than 30 seconds it's one of the few times he actually can sleep well

If you're ever out and about, or even inside, and cold, he'll wrap you up in his clothes/scarf/blanket like a sushi roll like Eren wrapping up Mikasa in his scarf, all deadpan and everything 😐

It's not that often, but when he gets drunk, he gets all soft and emotional, and starts babbling about how he can't believe he got so lucky to be dating you, and that he's sure he hasn't done anything to deserve it mah heart

He's pretty sure he wants kids, but he doesn't feel like now is the right time, and is lowkey afraid that it's never going to feel like the right time

He also constantly doubts himself, wondering if he'd actually able to look after them and protect them the way a father should class 1-A got him second-guessing himself 🥺

Besides, it's not all about him. You clearly have a say in it too, and he doesn't want to force you into anything

Again: communication and comfort zones

Dating Aizawa definitely has its ups and downs, and it's not smooth sailing, but he's prepared to work for a life with you because he's found a connection with you that he hasn't feel with anyone else

He knows that you're both far from perfect, but hopes that, for once, you might just make something good, and make it last 🥰😇

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