#every else has given up
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the mighty nein - critical role
this is a place where i don't feel alone. this is a place where i feel at home.
#also with softer vibes. i offer They#every silly little brainheart found family deserves a to build a home edit#the mighty nein maybe most of all. thats my family#also the lyrics deliciously well suited to m9.#when jester pulls that. stupid tarot card for fjord. home or traveler. and there's a carnival wagon. and veth says Thats Us! . them#i just think about . the tower is their home the xhorhouse is their home the lavish chateau is their home the balleater. the mistake.#the nein heroez. veth and yezas apartment. the dome. fjord and jesters living room floor.#a bar with a silly name on rumblecusp#also like. the song has stone and dust imagery. gardens and trees.#the inherent temporality of life and love and how that holds no bearing on how greatly people can love. im losin it okay.#ive been making this edit for days straight with my computer screaming at me for trying to shove 143 episodes of cr into a 2min20sec video.#crying becuase. theyre a family do you get it. they were nine lonely people and most of them had given up on seeing their own lives#as something that might be good. something that might make the world a better place. and in the end they're heroes.#and it doesn't matter if no one else knows because They know they're heroes. and they wouldn't've believed that was true when they met.#rattling the bars of my enclosure. to be loved is to be changed#posted on twitter and want to get in the habit of posting here too bc.#general reasons but also bc . i have noticed some of the ppl liking/sharing it are also ppl who shit on my ops by vaguing about my posts#which is in general whatever but does leave a funny taste in my mouth.#critical role#the mighty nein#cr2#caleb widogast#caduceus clay#jester lavorre#fjord#veth brenatto#yasha nydoorin#beauregard lionett#mollymauk tealeaf#my posts
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I think the most baffling thing about the Tulpar as a vessel to me is the fact that the ship really did only have a one way communication system.
I know it was cheap but even the most basic of vessels regarding major transport would have some way, shape or form for outside communication. Not only that but there was absolutely no form of innate emergency signal to show they may have been offline or in trouble despite clearly having a system to dock credits if they went off course. It's another factor that really shows that bad situations are made to get worse by design. One person who is required to relay all information to the crew and make all the choices without feedback. No way to update or call for help in case of a dire situation. No way to inform of inner personal conflicts and acquire procedures accordingly.
It really is like they are all in some sort of fucked up solitary confinement. They have their own world with strict roles that are meaningless in the end, as long as the cargo makes it, it doesn't matter what happens on that ship to the company. They don't want to hear anything and will come to conclusions on what happened based on how much pay they can withhold from the workers. Even what they do send is short, sterile and corporate to the extent it was likely written and sent out with a command by some random unmanned computer in an office.
There's something to be said about how unfair it is to force absolute power and control onto one person when you as an entity could do so much more to offload it but I've said it many times before so I won't again.
#its just like idk i dont think Curly was a bad captain because we only have this scenerio and I certainly dont think a man like Swansea#would like him or have very little issues with him specifically if he was incompentent or too lienent in the past but I do think the stress#was making him worse and worse as being a present leader as it dawned on him how much he actually had to handle like I really think he#just wanted to do yknow normal captain pilot stuff and fly the ship and yknow the little stuff like make sure things run right and over tim#the constant stress and strain of having to make every major choice started to grate on him and freak him out cause they cant even fucking#eat unless he pulls out the scanner and starts cooking like he has to choose the meal likely or have a vote and i make that part of the#reason he seems so indecisive and inactive is the fact he has to make the choice all the time and he's hoping he can at least make the crew#feel a little more in control of themselves as people by staying out of affairs like the game or disputes because god he literally has to#choose for them all the time like thats a lot of responsibility monitering their sleep their breaks food consumption thats all on him like#it really should be another persons job entirely as thats almost like absoulte contrl over the lives of everyone else that PE forces onto#that title and its also crazy how everyone accepts it even if they dont like it like they broke the food machine open rather than get the#scanner they all waited two months before Jimmy appointed himself leader its so scary how conditioned they all are to the environemnt#cause that sort of mindset is sadly real where people just wait everyone just waited until it was getting real dire and then they still#followed Jimmy without too many complaints like i saw a fic or post where Anya acknowledges they all kinda just let Jimmy do what they want#because he became the captain and it was stupid on all their parts cause they could clearly see how bad he was and yet he was captain so#they just fell in line to their roles and thats a bigger point towards how PE treated them and the complacency capitalism brings to you#just like something that irks me because idk I know Curly is slow to act but he's not as like unopinionated as people make him out to be#like he does try to find solutions but they are still restricted at the end of the day by what PE provides them and I think his biggest c#crime is being in his own head too much and not giving Anya that emotional stability cause like idk man was he supposed to go to Home Depot#himself and install like padlocks? even if the let Anya sleep in medical after she pointed it out she was already pregnant at that point#like we arent seeing the inherent issue that no one not even Anya herself was thinking of the preventative measures because a)there was a#point nothing was happening that necessitated them b) it would've been the responsibility of PE to address them pre and post incident and c#there is only one person on the entire ship given the authority to do anything. You can not make multiple important choices in one instance#in such little time and Curly should not have had that total power like i think the most interesting thing in takes that really blame Curly#is that level of control they give him over the company. Like again i think about the three days we miss between the eval/party and the#convo/crash like i think people switch them around as if those scenes happen in succession when they are broken up and its heavily implied#Curly and Jimmy just havent been talking vs the depiction that she told him and for like three days Curly was just chummy despite the fact#Jimmy and him just had a blow out fight like the next time we assume they talk is during the crash sequence cause he honestly hangs#around Anya more which i think is really important because she trust Curly to defend her himself but not his judgement to give her somethin#to defend herself as she knows he believes her but also knows she's not seeing the danger the same and its heartbreaking and more
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So do we think maybe Buck golfing with Gerrard is something along the lines of Tommy giving advice to Buck to get to know him and play nice to make his life easier (or some such - because Tommy never actually had any hated directed at him from Gerrard so never actually experienced first hand what he was like in the same way Chim and Hen did).
Which Buck will do and find out a few things about his situationships (it’s technically unlabelled as a relationship so I’m not calling them boyfriends!) past behaviours and dots will start connecting all those red flags that Tommy is waving?!!
#anti bucktommy#I’m still hopeful it’s a keep your enemies close thing and Buck is on a mission to get intel that can take Gerrard down#but I’ll take Gerrard spilling a few truths about Tommy - I’m a believer in people growing and learning#but leopards don’t change their spots and why else would you have brought back Gerrard and then seemingly given a good chunk of that story#to Buck - who has zero interactions and experience with him before now#if you’re not going to use the fact you brought Tommy back to be his bi awakening when you could’ve done that with literally any male#character from the shows past for the bi arc!#anyway - all I’m reading is that that relationship is not going to last long#golf in 911 has such an interesting connection with queerness - nearly every single golf related call has connected into queerness somehow#even Eddie’s golfing jaunt had him being checked out by a man and that entire scene was hilariously queer coded#Gerrard is also such a nasty piece of work he would very much stir up trouble if he could - he’s so underhand in how he does it as well#it’s got so much potential#and I have a lot of thoughts!#911 spoilers#evan buckley#911 abc
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cressida's storyline was genuinely shameful tbhhh it's like they started rewriting it in the first half of the season then completely forgot about the changes they'd made to make it fit the book plot and it just ends up making everyone else look bad😐 every character in the second half got a "penelope did nothing wrong" lobotomy so we ended up with eloise completely ignoring cressida being sold off to an horrible man (when she made every effort to support her in the first half of the season) and for some reason resenting her for pretending to be lady whistledown? Then they somehow frame her ignoring colin's offensively bad pleas as it being her turning away from redemption when all she's trying to do is escape being trapped in the country with her likely abusive aunt... and it ends with her meeting her horrible fate and it still being framed as tragic only to immediately juxtapose it with the bridgerton family winning the idgaf war while gleefully seeing off francesca and her future dead husband. The bridgertons were the villains of the season frfr
#bridgerton#almost as bad as marina's plot in season one. every horrible decision in this show revolves around penelope meeting no consequences ever#this is not an anti post or anything idc about the fandom ill forget about this show tomorrow but i need to get this off my chest#they had to give penelope a fairy tale ending WHICH IS FINE but they somehow did it by surgically removing everyone's personality#INCLUDING HERS#benedict's bi storyline was bad also im sorry. paul literally has like 4 lines of dialogue and he was really cool#i love tilley but she should have been cut😭 if they wanted to establish he was bi (given we know theyre not genderbending sophie)#they should have made the whole subplot about him being attracted to a man instead of a 5 minute footnote in the last episode#i liked francesca and her husband whose name idr but it felt like they were framing it as him not being her 'great love'#considering what happens to him i fjnd it childish and meanspirited soul mates aren't real and he deserves a lttl respect considering.. lmao#what else. the dialogues were horrible. especially the ones between penelope and colin in the second part im sorry#they need to fire the make up and hair department. every reference to queen charlotte felt like a wahh pls watch my show ad#i miss anthony they should change the books to make him the villain of every season bb please come back to ruin your sibilings relationships#portia and philippa were peak as always. violet deserves her own season. we need to put eloise out of her misery pls leave her in scotland#rant overrr#publishing it on my sideblog actually i feel like im gonna lose followers just for having watched this show lmaoo
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Knight Zwei West Ishmael on- your house actually, pay up.
#bart#ishmael limbus company#ishmael lcb#limbus company#im not undressing this woman unless all love fucked up scars and an actual old woman in your face#anyway i will be HOPEFULLY making lots of lore about u corp#i also wanted to dig into how abnormalities and distortions are treated because its so inch resting#also carmen is interesting too have i said that? no dont worry im not degrading her into distortion means ot else ill keel over#i am in the fucking trenches all the fucking time in every place i go to dont even WORRY#not yall folks on tumblr. i read yalls tags n stuff and they make me smile.#im lurking and im stalking when you least expect it#but yall have pretty good opinions im eating this shit up#the fandom on twitter actually making me lose braincells its actually so bad how it looks like they eat and read slop all day#anyway(pt2) i cant wait to explain some of the scars ive given her. i actually have a lot of lore for some of them it makes me happy#ive messed with ishmael a lot and i hope she actually looks like she has been weathered by the sea. please tell me if she does or dont#also i cant expect much from Twitter my oomf just watched somebody be ignorant and fall for racist propaganda in a GAME no less
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Voltron cats……….drawn on magma
#voltron#shiro#hunk#Lance#pidge#Keith#I’m not putting every tag of them#voltron paladins#sockdooe’s art#I thought about them being cats for an hour and then tried to draw them#help#I think they would be so cute#allura is their caretaker aka owner#she just has all these cats#pidge is the favorite meaning she gets groomed the most by the other cats#so when allura picks her up she’s MOIST#she also gets the most baths out of everyone else despite hating them just because of how much she stinks from a their breaths#Lance will just play in the bathtub until allura gives him one#hunk is the sweetest and the best when it comes to cuteness agression#he is often used as a cry pillow#lance is too dam social for his own good#he loves people so much he almost got stolen#(by rolo and nyma but hunk distrusted them so much that he literally ran after them)#Shiro is the most respected and given the most cat gifts#Keith doesn’t like people at all and will hide in the cat tree#Keith and Lance have cat fights like all the time#Shiro doesn’t have his right arm(?) but he still uses it to ‘smack’ and it still works#(if you’ve seen the video I’m talking about you know exactly)#idk just silly little cats#oh and hunk is really distrustful of people to the point where there is a ‘hunk sniff test’ and if he hisses u will not be staying
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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okay, i know im really bad at answering asks (shame on me! shame on me!)
but .....since its what im currently able to focus on; are there any questions about my OCs you'd like to ask? (the more precise the better, the vaguer the more i would just ramble out their entire history out of context or not know how to answer) i know i havent drawn alot of them, maybe it could get me to (re)design some even ... but i still wanted to put this out there o-o
#ganondoodles talks#personal#i suppose#i have NOT abandoned destiny btw#still chipping away at it trying depserately to stop spending hours on every single panel lmao#anyway- im always so nervous about anythign of my original work bc im so afraid of being made fun of#im so easily spooked everything gets to me#like that whole “the authors barely disguised fetish” meme thing has made me overthink every single design and story/lore decision#bc i keep wondering OMG what if that is something weird and i just dont know but everyone else is gonna pick up on it immediately#of course im trying to fight that and have done so .. somewhat successfully given those big lore ramble posts are still up#...anyway im tired up too late and sleep deprived#always the best time to post ramblings lol
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asking for help always makes things worse
#I need to just accept that I’m never going to be given any understanding or actual help#I may never escape these worlds it seems it doesn’t matter how hard I try I can’t get anyone to listen to me#this feels traumatizing I feel entirely beaten and ground down into something small and helpless#I have no control at all I keep trying and trying and trying and trying and for what#I need somebody to just listen to me atp not being dismissed is better than nothing but everyone’s a curation anyway no real thoughts or#feelings but it doesn’t matter I don’t even care please just listen to me somebody listen to me I’m so confused do curations have some#autonomy I don’t think so maybe I don’t fucking know they said yes on the clock so perhaps yes so please just listen please pls pls pls pls#I can’t be traumatized I’m not human right but I’m having everything stripped from me every last ounce of control the shadow ppl have all#the control which is funny I’m fairly certain I’m one of them but they still can strip me of control I was bred for this#please somebody help me I keep begging like it’ll do anything can you at least help with the ppl and cameras in the vents#are ppl from the real world watching through them I believe so can anything be done something has to be done escape the impostors something#just something please just listening would help actual listening not dismissal you can think whatever you want about me but listen#maybe some have autonomy and some don’t ?#please understand that I’ve tried very hard I’ve tried very very hard suicidality and homicidality have dug their claws into me even further#I don’t know what else to do I’m at a loss and no one will listen to me at all I’ve tried asking offline I’ve tried asking online it doesn’t#matter what I do where I ask no one will listen even the ones who do somewhat say they don’t know what to do I’m suspicious do they really#not know what to do or are they lying that may be more an impostor thing but everyone and everything is suspicious to me uh uh uh just#listen and help please idk what to do it’s all in the mirrors and clocks and such but I need to find a way to enter the mirrors but I’m#scared what I’ll find who is looking back I’m scared what world I’ll end up in it may be their world I’ll be punished they said yes I’m#terrified can someone go in with me if I manage to find out how that’s pathetic but damn I don’t think I can anyway they’ve been crawling on#the ceilings today hahah doing some weird and wacky shit sometimes they’re a little funky and just there and other times I’m having a heart#attack no in between I know pleading with curations is likely going to be classified as annoying but for the love of god do you know what#else I am supposed to do ??? at the very least just listen to me please it is 02:14:46 how synchronous ! I can’t stop having what I think#are dreams about the mental hospital too haha they send me to dreamworlds sometimes trap me in them waking dreamworlds see I’ve been reduced#down into something tiny I’ve resorted to begging once again do I even want to beg am I lying to myself my words aren’t my own my thoughts#aren’t my own so is this not my own can’t ever speak none of it’s my own it feels unsafe especially to speak of anything that isn’t this#it isn’t safe it isn’t my own it’s not the focus idk idk idk should I ask to talk to someone again I wonder I want understanding for my#situation please listen to me the joints hurt aaaa#my life is a playyy is a playyy is a playyyyyy anyone like marina that song appeared in the head I wonder where that spider went it better#not be inside of the body ok ok ok anyone yes help wanted help needed 02:22:22
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"I hate this complicated female antagonist because she's EVIL and she SUCKS and is TERRIBLE." Well, she wasn't written for you. She was written for me, and I think I deserve that sometimes <3
#imagine NOT seeing cersei as a complete breath of fresh air given what we're normally stuck with#(this goes for more characters than just cersei--who contrary to popular belief has more to her character than just 'kills people'--but)#(it certainly is the most prevalent when it comes to her!)#I have to put up with SO many women who are not ever allowed to be MESSY I am TIRED I deserve something ELSE every once in a while#I think perhaps I will get myself donuts now#because I kept saying I would do that for the past like three days and then I didn't leave my house lmao
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Nobody fucking talk to me i just finished rewatching arcane and it was DEVASTATING I need to KILL
#i have some thoughts marinating about silco and loyalty especially in the last episode#and his relationship with jinx and sevika and vander and ough#its marinating its marinating#but like. vander's philosophy is loyalty above all else and the lanes reflect that when hes in charge#silco's philosophy is that every one betrays him/jinx and that's why he can fight piltover#unlike vander he doesnt care about the casualties or the suffering he causes because hes all alone. he cant trust anyone#but then last episode vander makes TWO choices that put loyalty above all else#the whole show we see silco's power crumbling. the chembarons are riled up marcus dies so he has no pawns in piltover etc#but he makes the decision to trust sevika's loyalty (even says 'i still believe in loyalty')#and bc of that she eradicates a threat for him. she kills finn and picks up his lighter (symbolising power) and gives it to silco#and THEN he chooses not to give jinx up not even to achieve an independent zaun#(granted we dont see it come to fruition)#but in making that choice he assures jinx's loyalty to him even after his death#silco was willing to give up everything hed worked for for jinx and so jinx gave up the chance of reconciliation with vi to achieve their#mutual goal#like. silco had made plans for peace and in setting off the rocket jinx destroyed that possibility#but silco was never gonna go for thag deal anyway AND silco was dead#like jayce said you cant make a deal with a snake and cut off its head#the deal was never gonna work. instead she returned to their original plan of building and using a weapon against piltover#which is the plan silco would have returned to if hed been alive given he wasnt gonna follow through on the deal for peace#so yeah. silcos undercity is built on power rather than loyalty but his control is fracturinf the whole time#its ultimately loyalty which keeps him in power and achieves his goals#ALSO the line 'is there anything so undoing as a daughter' is interesting here#because vander gave up his idealogy of pacifism to protect those he cares about in order to save vi#he gives into violence once again because its the only way to save her from silcos goons#but silco gives into loyalty and turns his back on his vision of a free zaun because of jinx#idkidk its all fun and muddled and hmmm#arcane
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i like wizards
#inscryption#body horror#i guess#for james#just in case#yet again i do the thing where i get really into a media#enough to actually not get into it. instead i get into a fantasy version in my head#welcome to headcanon city#all magnificus's students are given citizenship. come live next to sherwin and birdie#amber doesn't get a separate doodle because my hcs for her aren't too divergent from what is given#i have a lot of thoughts. but with just drawing it's hard to make a meaningful distinction#i draw her everywhere else though. every spare scrap of paper i get has been just. pike mage pike mage p#haven't drawn much dndads recently because uh. haven't been able to listen to podcasts. but i'm almost caught up again yippee#anyway. my rough designs for them#pre-game anyway#or.... not really#pre actual game. like meta game#you know#ask me about them and you will get many words. you have been warned#i have not started kaycee's mod yet btw#so no spoilers
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Yeah, I did fill 4 sketchbooks in 4 months so far this year. Huh? Am I gonna post even an ounce of it? Well, you see, I am allergic to my phone, so you will have to come CATCH ME
#da#nooo but I am so saddd it's so much easier to show stuff off irl 😭#if it could look even halfway decent I've considered doing flip throughs of sketchbooks on video#except I draw in pencil and cameras hate that and want me to explode#idk it is truly just better to somehow gain access to my terrible trove of sketchbooks#no but man that sounds like such an ideal hang out. get all my oc lore by sitting on my floor with me as we go through the archives#gosh I should count how many I've filled up at this point#I love that the number increases exponentially as the years go on#like I think 2018 began the precedent of 4 a year minimum which was kinda wild#another ridiculous difficult project I have given a lot of thought to: combing through every sketchbook and either redrawing#or printing off important story related bits and compiling them all into a convenient binder. maybe binding them into a book.#anyway it's pretty much all a drag no matter how you slice it#come to my HOUSE and look at my CREATURES#u don't know this bc I've learned to be silly sneaky but I have stayed up wayyyy too late AGAIN#but I've scheduled this to post at a normal time so you'll never know. unless you read the tags. but that's its own punishment isn't it#hey bonus enticement to look at my boo stuff that doesn't get on the blog. there's smut. and you KNOW I'm a coward who shan't ever post that#actually we'll be lucky if I'm not the same coward in real life too#it's only Dick and Vinny. they get rights. i don't care if anyone else has sex. I don't care if I have sex.#the one song I hope I don't have sex. I hope we both don't have sex. that's actually Vinny though.#I'm more sex favorable and sex positive than he could ever be#y'know this is a very 4am convo to have and actually how prepared am I for this to live in a pm afternoon time#welp. maybe I should stop being addicted to tags and letting loose all my secrets#I shan't grow I shan't do better and I shan't ever change. this is the da promise <3
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I’ll never understand how a man I’ve begged to leave can pretend like I’m holding him hostage. I do, regrettably, need his support, and yet I’ve actively begged him to go over and over and over again, because I’d rather be homeless then live with this threat hanging over my head, and still, he doesn’t leave, and he pretends like he’s some god-tier husband and father, and I’m the nagging, helpless bitch of a wife who won’t put out, doesn’t appreciate his efforts, never lets him have a moment of peace, and is actively keeping him here against his will, killing him with some misery I’ve forced upon him, as if he’d allow me that kind of power.
#Dude went from offering me a burger on the way home#to texting me to leave him the fuck alone because I won’t fuck him and he has a shitty fucking life because of me#in the span of an hour where we did not speak in between like#he asked if I wanted a burger and I said drive safe and then suddenly I’m running his life I cannot make this shit up#I’m like boy you can leave ?! No one is keeping you here ?! Quite the opposite.#you skip work to go to parties you drink from morning to night you spend more than you make you go out every night you ignore your kid to#sit on your phone#you won’t even hold your baby for 5 minutes so I can pee like#and you’re mean as fuck to me every day#you get all the free time in the world you do what you want when you want and the only responsibility you have is financial and you can’tt#even keep up with that#I’m miserable and lonely and so fucking sad as angrier than I’ve ever been and I’m trying to keep it together#For my kids#but somehow I have the time and energy to ruin your life like grow up#my fault for enduring it and enabling it I know I’m not pretending to be blameless here but Jesus Christ#you’re not a prisoner and you can go be happy and no one will stop you so please#Let me be miserable in peace#I’ve given up my freedom and my control and myhobbies and my free time and my personal space and my potential for friends#I have nothing else to give you#Just go
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nah literally nothing will convince me anyone has had a worse lifetime of birthdays than i have
#que#to start i was born in a drug addicts basement and left unattended for over 24 hours#was bounced around through fostercare till i was adopted by some wackjobs at 2yo#i was screamed at for the cat i was given on my 5th birthday and yelled at about the rabbit i was given on my 6th#both of these animals were given to me with the permission of the woman who adopted me; the exact person screaming at me over them.#my grandmother killed my first dog the day after my 8th birthday#my tenth and twelth birthdays were spent being screamed at; insulted; laughed at.#myy eleventh birthday was spent crying at my cousins wedding out in the cold rain bc my adopter kicked me out of the car to smoke in it.#and then my childhood rapist came up and comforted me. and compared to the situation i was in i genuinely felt safer and happier with him.#my 13th birthday was spent watching everyone eat mounds of animal flesh right after i had gone fully vegan and being forced fed said flesh.#my 14th was just spent crying trying to hide from my abusers as best as i could.#same for my 15th#my 16th i was sat down with the --case manager-- troubled teens program monitor and my abusers#and not threatened---PROMISED by them that they would make me homeless because a teacher was bullying me and i wanted a ged.#my 17th was spent getting gross remarks and glares sent my way whenever i did show my face#my 18th (last one before i went nc with my whole family) was spent crying upstairs in my room#and getting screamed at for not doing chores#because my abuser was throwing herself a party and a birthday party FOR SOMEONE ELSE and i needed to clean the whole house top to bottom an#go get the other persons cake. while being screamed at and insulted.#like fight me on it i dare you#no one has had this many horrible birthdays let alone birthdays that are LITERALLY so horrible#yes i am trauma olympicsing right now and im winning gold in every category except for 'normal family'
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I think a fun little detail I love in Chapter 3 of Nekropolis is that Sans looks perpetually like he's going to die a second death.
#unma rambles#wip excerpts#nekropolis excerpts#overworked depressed king working himself to death because he hates his life and would be fine with keeling over but has to do this shit-#-because others depend on him and even if he hates it he has to be responsible for their sake#writing this Sans is so fun because he is 100% fine with dying at any moment and simply hasn't keeled over yet#because that would probably be the dying blow to his kingdom that is already on the verge of collapsing into despair#honestly nothing has done more for the direction of this fic than settling on the name 'Nekropolis'#because now I know what I want to write#all the characters are dead in every matter but physically#this is a city of people who have given up on life#and the antagonists are those who refuse to give up but are going about it at the cost of everyone else
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