#every day in this place i have psych myself up to talk to people who visibly think im stupid as hell

[abrahamvanhelsings]

the people at the archives nationales want to see me dead but i also found out they built a stand at the notre dame just so people can watch the cranes move and the builders walk around the scaffolding and that did brighten up my day

[copperbadge]

How did you find the doctor(s) who assessed you for ADHD? Im looking into the process of getting diagnosed because (although ive suspected I might have adhd for years now) I've been struggling a lot more lately and i want to try medication to see if it helps at all. Im trying to search for psychiatrists through my health insurance portal but the the results im getting are all for child/adolescent psychiatry specialists, and I dont think that'll be much help for an adult adhd assessment? Did you have an established therapist to refer you for your assessment or were you able to find a psychiatrist independently?

I actually just kind of had to freeform it, but that does mean I have some tips to share!

I will say, I have never once used a health insurance portal to find someone to treat me for anything. Often their search engine is fucked up and the information is sometimes out of date. I almost always either ask someone who I know has had similar issues if they have a recommendation, ask my treating physician if I have one, or just google until I find someone reputable-looking; any qualified medical center or professional will list what insurance they take anyway, and you can always ask when you make the appointment.

So here's the process for how to do that!

When I was first considering it, I asked a friend who'd had an evaluation that came back not-ADHD, which I liked because it meant we knew it wasn't like, a weird Adderall pill mill or something. I really wanted to have a professional and thorough evaluation because I knew myself and knew I was capable of gaming a questionnaire. The place she had her evaluation was unfortunately having some staffing issues; part of the reason it took me so long is that I played phone tag with them for ages -- I'd call, and regardless of what time of day I called, their scheduler would be "out", so I'd leave a message and never get a call back. Ultimately I said "I really need to talk to a human, because your scheduler has not returned any of my numerous calls" and they said they could transfer me to another office outside of Chicago (in the burbs). That was not going to be accessible to me, so I told them thanks but I'll go somewhere else. Then COVID hit and I was not going to go anywhere near a medical center unless I had to for about two years.

So, when I was making my second serious run at getting evaluated, I did what might be expected of me by longtime readers of this blog: I made a spreadsheet.

I want to caveat this up top with REALLY IMPORTANT CONTEXT: I did not do all of this in a single day. The process from starting research to making an evaluation appointment took about a month, and probably would have taken longer if I wasn't getting somewhat desperate. Do not push yourself to do this as a single act. Research alone is a multi-day process; some days I looked at the open tabs and only entered one tab's worth of information. It took me quite a bit of time to write the form email I sent inquiring about an assessment. It took me time to call the clinic back when they asked me to call to book the appointment. This is a series of steps, not a single leap.

So!

I was looking for a clinic rather than an individual, in part because I'd heard a couple of horror stories about people who went to a psychiatrist and just got argued with for an hour instead of actually getting evaluated. So I googled, and here are some key terms for you, chicago adult adhd assessment. Chicago obviously for the region, but "adult adhd" (putting it in quotes will help) is the important term that will help you filter out a lot of child psych stuff. A lot of what I looked at did included family or child assessment/therapy but were clear that they also evaluated adults.

Then I went through every legit-looking search result and noted down, in my spreadsheet, the name of the clinic/company, the contact phone and email, the URL, the physical location (I needed to be able to get to it fairly easily) and whether they took my insurance. Even if they didn't take my insurance (all but one did) I still put them into the spreadsheet so that if I found them again I could check the sheet and know I didn't need to investigate further. I also tended to bump more legitimate and friendly-looking places to the top of the sheet. And if I were going to do it again I would also look for one specific thing, which is an assessment guide of some kind.

The assessment guide may be something they only give you after you speak with them, so it's not a no-go if they don't have one on their website, but it basically tells you what generally will go on during the assessment, how long it will take, and what you should bring. A full assessment like I had is estimated to take 4-6 hours and they recommended I wear layers so I wouldn't be overly cold/warm in their office, and to bring a snack. That's the kind of information you want, duration of the assessment and what they recommend for you, to ensure that you're working with people who are thorough and care about your comfort.

So, I have this spreadsheet now of places to reach out to, which I know take my insurance and do adult assessment. In the spreadsheet I also had columns for what date I contacted them and whether they'd responded. I started reaching out via email, one per day, with the form email I'd written.

The form email basically said "I'm 42 with no previous diagnosis but I have a family history of autism and dyslexia. I've been told I should get assessed for ADHD, so I'm looking for a clinic that will do the assessment and takes (my insurance). I prefer to be contacted by email but if need be, my phone number is (phone number). Please let me know if you have any open appointments and what information you will need from me to book an evaluation with you." (You can always ask for more information about the actual evaluation process once they respond.)

If I didn't get a response within 24 hours, I moved on to the next, but I only greyed out the text in that line of the spreadsheet; I didn't disqualify/remove the nonresponsive ones because again, I wanted to make sure I kept that information in case they eventually did respond. I did this with about ten clinics, because I figured I must be able to find at least one in ten who could do the eval, and I could go back and research more if necessary.

I think the third or fourth one I reached out to was the first to respond, and I ended up going with them; I had a very positive experience in the assessment itself but it was a real pain in the ass getting the documentation from them -- they took about a month to go through the evaluation data (this is not abnormal but is rather longer than usual according to my psychiatrist) and they gave me an in-person-by-zoom report once it was ready. That said, it took another four months and the threat of reporting them to the state to get them to send me the text of the eval (in part because the evaluator left the clinic unexpectedly with my formal report not yet written). But that's something that's truly impossible to know until you're working with them, and highly unusual, so don't let concerns about that deter you. If you end up in that situation come hit me up and I'll tell you how I dealt with that.

My eval recommended an executive function coach, but if I haven't been able to func it by now I never will, so I thanked them for the recommendation and went looking for a psychiatrist unaffiliated with the clinic to prescribe me meds. There, the key words you're going to be looking for are again "adult adhd" but also "adult disability" and if you want medication that's less likely to be a huge fucking hassle, "medication management". My psychiatrist and I meet every two months to reup my prescription, but he doesn't require me to take a regular drug test or meet him in person in order to get a new scrip, as some people have encountered. We meet in person once or twice a year (I can't remember, it's due to a legal requirement in Illinois) but otherwise it's over zoom.

So yeah -- it's a process, but there are ways to streamline and manage it, and a few tripwires in place to make sure you don't end up screwed by the system. Definitely feel free to ask if you have questions, either here or if you want a more indepth conversation you can email me at copperbadge@gmail.com. GOOD LUCK!

[genderqueerdykes]

in honor of aromantic spectrum awareness week, i thought i'd take the time to talk about how much my personal life and feelings improved after coming to terms with the fact that i'm aromantic. before i accepted this, i found myself in several romantic relationships where i was deeply unhappy, uncomfortable, and made to feel like i wasn't a good enough partner because i just couldn't do or feel certain things.

i've never enjoyed kissing, and cuddling gets uncomfortable for me within the first few minutes of doing so. even hugs are deeply uncomfortable to me unless i really know and care about someone, and even then, hugs only come when that person asks for them. it never occurs to me to touch people this way, the most you'll get out of me is a pat on the shoulder, back or knee.

i ended up dating several people who were very much romantics, and heavily focused on that aspect of our relationship. it kind of felt like torture to me, i felt like i was being forced to live every day like it was Valentine's Day- every day had to be filled with hours of cuddling, kissing, and telling the other person how much i loved them. while not all romantic partners are like this, it wore on my psyche quickly to be paired with folks like this, because i understood how important it was to them, but i just couldn't keep up the performance.

i thought something was "wrong" with me for years and that i just wasn't in touch with my emotions, or that i was somehow embracing some toxic aspects of my masculinity without realizing. it took me ages to remember that i came out as aromantic when i was much younger, but after criticism from my friends, including a friend who was asexual, i stopped identifying with the label, because i was told that aromanticism wasn't real, and that that just made me an asshole.

nearly a decade and several uncomfortable romantic relationships later, it finally clicked that there wasn't something wrong with me, but there was something wrong with the situations i was getting myself into. sure, i love being partnered- i have a queerplatonic partner that i've known for a decade and have only gotten closer to over time. but we've never been romantic. we don't exchange romantic platitudes, and i realized; i've never been happier with someone else than i am with this person.

why is that?

oh. because they don't expect romance from me. they are also on the aspectrum and don't have a romantic partner, either.

this relationship has brought me more joy than any romantic partnership i've ever attempted to pursue. that doesn't mean there's something wrong with me- i was just looking for happiness in the wrong places. i was miserable not because i'm aromantic, but because i was getting into romantic relationships.

romance can be a source of misery. romance does not inherently make everyone happy. we are not all looking for romance as a species. in fact, chasing it makes many people miserable. too many people spend their lives looking for "the one" that they can kiss, cuddle, hold and say all of those mushy things to when they may not even want that to begin with.

i've never been more at peace with myself since finally, fully accepting that i'm aromantic. i love who i am, and i love how i love. i am not loveless, i experience platonic, queerplatonic and other forms of love. but loveless aromantics aren't miserable, either. we are all embracing ourselves in a way that's true to us. we are refusing to warp ourselves to a society that tells us that we all must have homogeneous feelings.

i am aromantic. i am here. my aromanticism is queer in a society that expects and demands romance of me, and this is true of all aromantics, cis, trans, gay, straight, bisexual, asexual, and otherwise. we are here, we are not going away any time soon, and we will not be silent because our identities make some people uncomfortable. we are happiest being who we are.

happy aro week, this goes out to every last arospectrum person out there, appreciate yourselves this week. you deserve it.

[rottenpumpkin13]

Yo umm... can we have a day where Lazard and Rufus swap places? Like Rufus looks after soldier and Lazard handles the VP matters and looks after the turks

The Switch

After both the director and the vice president were exhibiting signs of stress due to their workload, the rest of the board thought it would be a good idea to have them switch for a day.

*Rufus settles down in Lazard's office*

Rufus: So far everything's running smoothly. Hm, I guess maintaining SOLDIER is less of a difficult job than I had thought.

*Sephiroth walks in*

Sephiroth: I'm ready for our session.

Rufus: What? Is that a thing Lazard does?

Sephiroth: Yes. To combat my discomfort in opening up to people, Lazard has me vent my thoughts and frustrations to him for an hour every day. Afterwards, he provides advice.

Rufus: ...Alright. Have a seat and tell me what's on your mind.

*Sephiroth sits down*

Sephiroth: Last night I saw the hat man again.

Rufus: The WHO?

-

*Lazard swings by the Investigation Sector's training room to see how everything is progressing*

Lazard: Good morning! How is everyone—

*Lazard stops. Everyone is doing target practice at busts of President Shinra*

Lazard: ...

*Tseng leads him to a cushioned seating area*

Tseng: Director, you're right on time. How would you like your popcorn?

Lazard: Oh my god.

-

*Genesis barges into the office*

Genesis: Some scoundrel vandalized my banners in the main hallway. They drew mustaches all over my photos and I demand they be punished.

Rufus: I'm sure it was just some harmless prank, Commander. I'd love to look into it, but I'm very busy right now.

Sephiroth: I've been conditioned to obey and follow orders no matter how gruesome they are, being forced by my own psyche to detach myself from the bloodshed. My fear is that I will one day grow tired of feeling numb and find joy in the brutality, that I will burn everything to the ground to keep myself warm.

Genesis: Why does Sephiroth get your attention and I don't!?

Rufus: Because he's TALKING ABOUT MURDER.

-

*Lazard is looking over Rufus's finances. He notes that a considerable amount of money is going towards AVALANCHE*

Lazard: AVALANCHE? As in, the terrorist organization!?

Tseng, panicking: No, that's the name of a brothel in sector eight.

Lazard: Tseng, there's over 500,000 gil this month alone. You're telling me he's spending all this money on company?

Tseng, panicking: He's needy.

Lazard:

-

(simultaneously)

Sephiroth: Am I a man? Am I a weapon? Am I truly nothing more than a machine of meat and bone, doomed to meet an inevitable human death while doubting the validity of my emotions?

Genesis: Infinite in MYSTERY is the gift of the GODDESS. We SEEK it thus, and take to the SKY. Ripples FORM on the water's SURFACE. The wandering soul knows no REST.

*Angeal walks into the office*

Angeal: Why are Sephiroth and Genesis allowed to hang out in here while I'm stuck with all the work?

Rufus: BY ALL MEANS GET THEM OUT OF HERE.

-

Having enough, Lazard decides to come back to the SOLDIER floor. As he steps off the elevator, he finds Zack drawing mustaches on every Genesis banner in the entrance.

Lazard: Zack! How hasn't Rufus punished you yet?

Zack: Last time I saw him he was having a nervous breakdown and threatening Sephiroth with a stapler.

*Lazard rushes back to his office*

[joels-darlin]

Boxes

Okay so, Hi! I have returned, with probably the shortest one-shot in history. But I have been out of the game for too long, so here's me attempting to get myself together and start writing again. Absolutely no context on where this even came from, just that I have been going through some shit and decided to take pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard?....who even knows). Oh definitely not beta read cos tbh I just wanted to post whilst I had the urge and also felt I had a WIP that was okay-ish. I may expand on this someday.

Hope you enjoy and any feedback is appreciated <3 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Summary: A break-up and the painful reminders. Pairings: pre-outbreak!Joel Miller x f!reader Word Count: 540 words ( I did say it was short) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They say falling in love is one of the greatest experiences in life. Finding someone who you share a sacred bond with, someone who you can call home. However Love is temporary. It brings out the best, but also the worst, in people. The excitement and newness of the emotional bond that can tie two people together.

But they never talk about the other side of love. The sheer emotional rollercoaster that love brings, because for every positive there must be a negative. Sadness, pain, yearning - not forgetting the flurry of other emotions everyone has experienced at least once in their lifetime. It’s hard to describe when your heart feels heavy and the world around you feels lifeless - all because of one person.

There is always one. One person engrained in your mind forever. The one you had to let go that hurt the most. There are only so many tubs of ice cream, bottles of wine and cheesy romcoms you can go through - never able to fill the gaping hole left behind. So explain this, how do you do it? How do you go from having that constant line of communication to well…silence. There is nothing in the world that can mentally prepare you for that. The one thing you considered to be a safe place, ripped and torn from you in a split second. Five words to be exact “I’m still in love with her”.

Everything becomes a reminder. Their favourite songs on the radio, passing by the places you used to frequent for dates on the commute to work. The one that hurts the most; their scent. It’s everywhere clinging to any and every form of clothing or fabric it can find - cos let’s be honest you are still unpacking the boxes they dropped off two months ago. A slow process you told yourself.

It starts well. Psyching yourself up to tackle the last two boxes in the spare room of your vacant apartment, A beverage of choice at your side for courage. It’s when the lid opens and the smell hits is when everything falls apart. The mildly woody & citrus scent of aftershave paired with the softness of laundry detergent they used. Just them. Next the brain starts, thoughts swimming around sending you into a spiral. Overthinking every last moment of the 3 year relationship - where did it all go wrong? Why didn’t you see the signs?

Then the tears start. Cascading down your cheeks thick and fast, much like the raindrops that used to roll off the hood of their truck in the middle of a summer storm. Will they ever stop? No. This is your life now, at least temporarily. It’s all apart of the healing process people tell you. As expected the lids are back on the boxes before retreating to the safe space that is bed. “I’ll handle those another day”

Except the day never came. Those boxes continued to sit in the spare room of your apartment collecting dust for months. Three years worth of memories all bundled up inside, too painful to even look at.

All you knew for certain was that Joel Miller did not love you. But after all this time you had never stopped loving him.

[fiannalover]

bweirdOCtober Day 8 - Dislikes

Customer Service

“My skin feels so dry. The winter weather is awful for me.”

“Worry not. Given what you told me, I'm sure this moisturizer will fix everything.”

“My family gave me too much chocolate and now my acne is flaring up. Do you have anything for that?”

“Of course! Apply this cream before taking a shower, once a day. You'll be able to enjoy your sweets with no guilt.”

“... You? Really?”

“You want something or not?”

“... The humidity is fucking up my hair.”

“I'm no poor man’s hair stylist. But I think I got something.”

“Do you have anti-agi-”

“No.”

------

“Oh my GOSH your skin is SPARKLING. What is your secret?”

“I got a new product! You know that potion girlie in journalism? Her stuff is the real deal.”

“Ooooooh do you think she can whip up a blush? My last one was a real disappointment.”

“You know, I could use some powder myself.”

“Maybe if I get some lipstick…”

------

“What? No. I don't deal with those kinds of make-up or similar cosmetics.” Medeia flatly replied. “My focus is on medicinal benefits first and foremost. It'd take me a couple months to learn how to make any of the things you're requesting.”

“Come ooooon!”

“I'm sure you can try!”

“There is this cute cat in Psych 101 I GOTTA fish!”

“I need some hair dye too…”

“I'm telling you, I can't. Chemistry and potion making are dangerous. If I use the wrong substance, I could make something that would severely hurt- are you listening?” Medeia rambled, before realizing her convictions were severely outmatched here.

The customers steadily approached. 

“C-come on everyone. Hold on. Hold on!”

“HOLD OOOOOOOOOOOOON!”

------

Lucas leisurely walked towards Medeia’s side of the campus’ dorms, carrying some notes he borrowed and a bottle to be refilled, letting his tail freely hang in the wind as he moved forwards.

Hehehe, he had a tail~ Swish, swoosh, swish, swoosh~

Campus was usually pretty chill and somewhat empty at this time of the day, which is why he was surprised to see… a noisy crowd by the door of his friend's building? What was-

“Lucas! Get over here!”

“Whoa!”

Pulled to a conveniently placed bush, the boy’s confusion and panic settled to just confusion upon seeing who grabbed him and did a shhhhhh signal asking him to be quiet. “Medeia? What are you doing here?” He asked softly.

“I have been hounded by my customers this entire day, Lu. Entire. Day.” She replied, stealing a look towards the direction of her dorm, groaning as her fanclub remained there. “Some of them started asking for make-up, for some reason, and suddenly demand increased exponentially for something I don't know how to do.”

“You have no makeshift recipes that could work?”

“Just the usual moisturizer and the like. I mess with dangerous stuff, and I'd rather not mix up an improvised something that melts people's face off.” She explained. “And now I can't go hoooooome! They have been blocking the entrance forever! I can't go home, Luuuuu!” Sighing, she stop shaking him and conceded. “Then again, not like it is that good of a home, what with my current roommate.”

“Is she that bad?”

“She's an astrologist, Lu.”

“Oh no. That's awful.”

“I knooooow!” Groaning in annoyance, she said. “I'm probably too close to them. The customers, that is. My uncle was always well isolated in the suburbs, so people had to go out of their way to find him. Since I'm super convenient in every way, surely I can do anything, they think.”

That was interesting. She rarely mentioned her family. “Is your uncle’s house… not home?”

“Not really. I haven't went back since I began college.”

“Huge fight?”

“No. More of an ideological disagreement. You'd probably find me silly in an insane way for it.” She said, elaborating no further. “The dorms here are free of charge and I got my bartender job early on to cover my expenses, so I just never had to go back.”

Huh. Made sense. “I mean, that's fair. My parents are ok with me being-” Lucas gestured to his tail. “But I still have relatives who refuse to talk to me.”

“Sorry about that, Lu.”

“It's fine. I have enough people on my side.”

Medeia nodded, then returned to sighing and resting her back against the leaves. Come to think of it, he doesn't think she ever mentioned leaving for vacation or anything. If her only house was here, then why would she?

“... we could live together.” He proposed.

“What?”

“We could live together. You have your job, I got that big name internship recently, we should have enough money to split an ok apartment between us.” He explained, his friend's eyes lighting up with each word. “We are in the down season for house hunting, so we could probably find someplace affordable decently close.” 

“It would give me distance from them and a roommate I like, aaaaaaaah, Lu, I'd love that!” Immediately, she hugged him, both of them laughing out of pure cheer. “It's gonna be great. We gotta find somewhere with a good enough kitchen for my stuff. Oh, are you ok with me doing my potions and what not?”

“As long as you are ok with me during shedding season.”

“It will be completely worth it.” She declared, and the two immediately began rambling off plans.

Yeah. This was gonna be beyond great.

“Hey, your room is on the second floor at the back, right?”

“Yeah- oh! Think you can give me a boost?”

“Maybe?”

“Only one way to know. Let's go!”

(Roommates!!!!!)

[crownmemes]

House Sentences, Vol. 7

(Sentences from House (2004-2012). Adjust phrasing where needed)

"Physically, you're fine. Mentally, you're weird."

"You're losing it. That's what happens when you have kids. Ceaseless crying and nagging leads to irrational fears."

"Why do you even care if I have a baby? It's not like I'm ever gonna ask you to babysit!"

"I know this is awkward, but we need to talk."

"There's a reason that we've evolved a feeling of awkwardness. It tells us not to talk about things."

"The benefit of being boss is that I don't have to argue."

"Any relationship that doesn't end in a breakup ends in death. Everything falls apart in the end."

"Are you saying you want to date me?"

"Trust me, everybody will be happier if we aren't dating."

"You need to know everything because you're afraid of being wrong."

"Can you honestly tell me you've never done anything hypocritical?"

"Why do you try so hard to get my attention?"

"I think we're supposed to kiss now..."

"It's a bad idea to get into a power play with somebody who holds the power."

"Just tell her how you feel! If you won't, then I will!"

"You really passed your psych rotation?"

"I think you're confusing nice and evil again."

"Why do people get married?"

"You really don't have to keep buying me things."

"You act like you don't care about anyone, but here you are saving lives."

"I don't think you're looking for somebody to prove you right. I think you're looking for somebody to prove you wrong - to give you hope."

"Everything that happened to you can be rationally explained."

"I have issues with authority. You?"

"Why do you care if I'm happy?"

"You're afraid of change. The one thing you have is your intellect. You think if that's compromised, you have nothing."

"I don't mean to be abrasive, especially since you're such a pleasure to imagine naked."

"Your voice is no longer attractive to me with that note of disapproval."

"Has it ever occurred to you that when I don't share something, it might not be meant as a challenge? It might just mean that I'd like there to be one molecule of my life that goes unexamined by you?"

"Cat brains are always in alpha mode. The few scientific tests that have seemed to confirm psychic phenomena, that's where it takes place."

"I get it. You're a little nuts, aren't you?"

"God's mistakes are well documented."

"I'm proposing that you should propose to me."

"Being drunk doesn't change who you are - it just reveals it."

"Every time I go to one of your parties, I end up embarrassing myself in some new and unexpected way."

"Are you going to ignore me all day again?"

"Apologies aren’t supposed to make you feel better. They’re supposed to make the other person feel better."

"You want to kiss me, don't you?"

"Why is it always reasonable in your world to take an emotional problem and sidestep it by turning it into a mechanical problem?"

"You have the luxury of not caring about your image, but I do not!"

"I can smile through gritted teeth and play nice, but there are serious risks of violence involved in that choice."

"Are you ready to play nice?"

"I know you're scheming."

"Are you ignoring me, or are you just letting my charm wash over you?"

[hellfirebabe666]

I Don't Love You Like I Did

Reader and ModernDay!Steve grow apart after being together for 2 years (Told for perspective of reader. No mention of gender or use of y/n) WARNINGS: Just angst overall WORD COUNT: 4.4k o.o

It started with minor things. We would text each other every morning a good morning greeting before discussing briefly how we were and what our days had ahead of us. Now his messages were short and scattered and sometimes unanswered, but I chalked it up to the fact that he was stressed with work and a recent new position he got into.

Then when we would go out on dates he stopped holding my hand unless I happened to slip my hand in his and even then it was different his grip loose and scarce and barely there. Lifeless. It was another stab in the heart, but we continued like normal. Speaking to each other like nothing was wrong.

But we both knew there was something terribly wrong. We were drifting far apart like ships passing in the night. When it had been several months since we were last intimate I felt like I did something wrong. Steve was usually the one who initiated a lot of intimate contact, but for some reason it started shifting and it was like he was on autopilot and his mind was elsewhere entirely and it scared me.

Steve came into my life at such a weird crossroads and he helped me come into my own and really build myself back up from such a dark place that still creeps in to the edges of my psyche but is better controlled and bay. But now the man that means the most to me is pulling away from me and I don't even think I have a way of stopping it.

I finally decide to bite the bullet and talk to him after we made plans to watch movies at his which was our go to stay in date night. I settled on the bed with him and laid my head on his chest to which he lightly rested on hand over my arm for some minor contact but he made no effort to wrap his arms around me like he used to. I felt like bursting into tears, but I had to put on a brave face. I had to speak.

"Steve?" I lift my head up and sit up to look at him. He eyes me curiously, "What's going on, sweetheart?" His eyes scan over my features noting the crease in my brow and how I gnaw at my lip trying to will the words out of my mouth to speak about how this whole situation has made me feel and finding out where we stood. "Is there..." I sigh trying to gather the words, "I just...I want to know if there was something that was bothering you, or something that I did to hurt you, you'd tell me right?"

Steve looked taken aback at first but I think he also saw this conversation coming along at some point. He sat up and moved to press his back against the headboard as he spoke, "Of course. And there's nothing you did wrong. And there's nothing bothering me I promise you." He tried to lie but he knew I could see right through it. He was easy to read especially when he lied.

"Please be honest with me, Steve. The last few months...I just," my voice begins to waver as tears form in my eyes, "I just want...to know if we're okay. Because you're not acting the same and it's scaring me. You barely even touch me, Steve." I say the last part in almost a whisper but he heard it and he knew it was true. And if he was honest with himself he really didn't have an explanation for it. It was nothing I really did or said. It was just people growing up and growing apart, at least that's how he saw it.

"Sweetheart...I-" He has a hard time looking at me his gaze flickering down to his hands as he spoke, "It's nothing you did. You've been an absolute angel, but I...just don't feel it anymore. I care for you I do, but I just..." and he trails off words caught in his throat and tears spring from my eyes streaking down my cheeks, "You don't love me anymore..." I whisper letting it settle in.

Steve's head hung as he watched me crumble in front of him and it broke his heart because he know he's the cause, but he needed to speak his true feelings. He couldn't keep me stuck in a relationship where he couldn't return the feelings I had. "I'm sorry, honey. I really am. I don't want to hurt you. I still care about you I do," He says as he tries to move closer to me and brush the tears from my eyes but I flinch away feeling myself shake as tears continue to pour from my eyes.

"I'm gonna go," I whisper standing up and grabbing my purse and the cardigan I had discarded on the side. Steve looked at me like a kicked puppy taking pure pity on me as I shuffled my way to the door. "Goodbye, Steve. I...I hope You can find someone who is worthy of your love," I say with a frown and make my way out the door and rushing to my car speeding away back to my apartment. My heart was shattered beyond repair.

[ourghoststories]

Bright Stars [Bucky Barnes x Reader] Part 1

I was in hospital, I hadn't been feeling well as I'd been sick with God knows what and they'd admitted me to be on the safe side.

I was next to someone who looked like they'd been through the wars, he was handcuffed and had an armed presence - he was under pretty heavy security and God knows what he'd done.

I let a small smile across to him and waved as he'd keep looking at me intermittently, making me wonder if I had something on my face.

He smiled back, although still looking stony faced and stoic, he must be in some real deep shit "hi, I'm y/n" you introduced, not expecting him to answer back and for a second he didn't.

"I'm Bucky" he smiled curtly.

Ahh so that's what he had done, he was the infamous Bucky 'the Winter Soldier' Barnes, you knew he looked desperately familiar.

"Don't mind the security" he chuckled sarcastically.

"I- I won't" I gulped nervously, quite intimidated by their presence.

The guards shuffled a bit before he was wheeled off "cya 'round" he said blankly.

There was no doubt he was innocent, he protested his guilt like anyone would but you had a feeling deep down that something was off and everyone else was wrong, though you couldn't tell if that was just because he was pleasing to the eye.

Not long after he returned, this time he had a muzzle on and he looked sad, I know they think he did something, but there was no reason to treat him like a caged animal.

Shortly after the guards unclipped the muzzle, his prison-like restraints and walked out the room, the room was a sealed airlock so there was no way he was getting out even if he wanted to.

He got up and stretched "finally" he sighed, breathing out what I can only assume was a breath of relief.

It wasn't long before he made his way into a conversation with me, small talk, but nonetheless interesting, after all it wasn't every day you got to have a dialogue with a vigilante, even if you were sick as a dog.

The man was disinterested at best, he seemed to be deep in thought "they're supposed to be sending a psychologist, psychiatrist, whatever... In to talk to me, I don't want to talk. There's nothing to talk about, it's in the past and I'm done with being that person" he revealed.

"That's fair enough, I wouldn't want to talk either. I have a hard enough time talking to my psych, he's a great guy but... Therapy is good for people who enjoy it, I go out of necessity, I have a whole range of things, guess you could call me mental" I chuckled, as he let out a snicker.

"I might prefer him to this guy, a federal, smart arse who wants to know about me to send me off to some high security place when I just want to be low-key and by myself, plus he's with the law and they just don't get it" he said sarcastically.

"I get that".

He sat on the edge of his bed with his legs swung around and hanging off the bed, the guards watching his every room, although the security cameras were plastered all over the wall.

"So what's the first thing you'll do when you get out?" You questioned intently.

"Well if I ever get out of this damned placed, I'm gonna go buy some fresh fruit and veggies from the market and cook myself a nice meal" he answered, unexpectedly you thought, simpler than you would've thought but not unreasonable by any means.

"That's really nice" I said, I must've still had a look of surprise on my face because he soon quipped "what Super Soldiers can't cook? - just because I'm a vigilante doesn't mean I don't enjoy the simple pleasure of cooking, super soldier means super appetite" he chuckled.

"It's nice to hear you laugh after everything, at least you can stay sort of optimistic. Maybe after I'm not feeling so sick and if you are hopefully let out you could come for a home cooked meal at mine" I asked nervously, still barely brushing the surface with Barnes.

His eyebrows raised in response "you're interested in a scary ex-assassin coming around for a meal, I mean I won't say I'm not interested, but you're one brave lady, y/n. Watch out though, I'm not sure my security would like me socialising".

"Well you're a very polite ex-assassin and I've taken a liking to you, plus, you don't scare me or deserve to be treated how you have been in here, I know you're enhanced but they could treat you with some decency" I said seriously.

"So would that qualify as a date then?" He asked, intrigued.

"I don't know, depends if you want it to" i said suggestively, not really believing you were flirting when you weren't even feeling the best.

"No. Just joking, of course doll" he smiled, making my heart flutter just a little bit.

"Ugh I feel sick" you muttered, your stomach not feeling so good "that's not very nice I just said I wanted to date you - I'm not being serious, here's a vomit bag, you poor thing, what do you have?" He asked sweetly.

"Thanks, your humour is making me feel better, I don't know, a bug of some sorts" I mumbled.

"I won't come too close then" he smiled.

The sound of the doors opening made me jump, "oh fun. well I guess I'm off, I'll see you when I get back, I'll get your number then" he said politely as they marched in and restrained him once more.

Little did he know...

---A/N

So I didn't expect this but I got my writing mojo back so this is gonna be a series set in Civil War and then will hopefully go through until TFATWS -Darcy

[skyler10fic]

Public journaling because I need to get this out:

I'm having reflux/GERD induced by my anxiety disorder among other stress related things.

This anxiety is often triggered by spending time engaging with how awful the world is.

I do want to help raise awareness, make the world a better place, be a more informed voter, and do my duty to give everyone resources to do the same.

I cannot keep engaging with this reality at the current rate.

I struggle to set boundaries with my scrolling because it's my highest level/easiest accessible connection point with other people and something for my ADHD brain to focus on.

I cannot simply stay focused because of the ADHD. It is an inability.

At home, I do other things, like household tasks.

But I'm required to be in the office three days a week. Half days are an unofficial/coincidental accomodation.

When I'm at the office, I don't have little tasks to do. Everything is (honestly quite boring) deep thinking, high concentration work.

I cannot "just get a new, more interesting job" in a field that was always highly competitive and has been dying for 20 years. My job is very good for pay and benefits in comparison to others in my field.

So the key is I need a way to engage with people and work with my brain that isn't working against it: neither doomscrolling nor shaming myself into just staring at the screen and forcing myself to work at a slower pace so I don't have so much extra time. I can't just tell my brain not to be bored or not to need distractions.

If I get up from my desk at the office, I'm supposed to count it as break time. So I can't go on walks on the clock. If I take lots of breaks, that adds to the amount of time I'm physically at the office and cuts down on free time. (I do take 30 minute lunch and occasionally 15 minutes here and there.)

My group chats are great, but my friends have busy lives with lots of other things going on so it's not the frequency and volume of Twitter and Threads.

Almost all of my friends are far away, and the people physically close to me have resisted my efforts to increase emotional closeness and depth. They are all in for hanging out, but uncomfortable with emotions or vulnerability or friendship beyond "people I do preorganized activities with."

I can't eliminate the brain need through ADHD meds because of my liver problems (thanks for that, Strattera extremely rare side effects) and other medical risks the doc is not willing to take. Psych doc also says I need to show a positive result on the computerized ADHD $5k test my insurance doesn't pay for (created for hyperactive boys, not high achieving adult women who perform well on tests) to really consider my "attention issues" as for sure ADHD despite EVERY other medical professional verbally diagnosing me. I definitely have ADHD. This is not a question. But there doesn't seem to be a med solution anyway.

Possible solutions I'm working on:

1. More library books I can sneak glances at or listen to on my phone

2. Lists, curated social media experiences, joining more happy/low-stress groups

3. Boundaries, muting words, blocking abundantly

4. Under desk bike helps a lot when I'm not too tired

5. Standard GERD reduction tips and other physical health care

6. Mental health care

7. Listen to soothing ASMR at night

8. Physical self care (food, exercise, hydration, sleep, etc)

I think if I didn't have the ADHD creating a need that the doom sites solve (and by solve, I mean meet the immediate need by creating different problems), this would be easier. It isn't simple "addiction." It's higher up the logical food chain than that.

Today this came to a head with some emotional dysregulation: there is a big personal issue with someone I trusted potentially being a bad guy, and I can't talk about it with my local friends because they won't understand OR they are his coworkers, who can't discuss the situation with me for understandable HR reasons.

Add that stress on to the national / global doom written on the wall for political reality and history and life as we know it, and then there are Oppression Olympics competitors yelling at us that we're privileged , spoiled brats if we're upset because THEY have been marginalized worse than us and THEY aren't fazed or distressed because they are so morally superior to us BABIES who are apparently new here....

Blah blah blah

Anyway. I would very much like to get rid of this stress response in my digestive system so I can eat normal food.

[erasawordsmithofsorts]

this is a really long post and you dont have to read it, its more of a word vomit towards the end but its really detailing my experiences with 5sos c: (its kind of sad but it means a lot to me that i finally put this into words)

i love 5sos. like a lot more than i could put into words. i have such a long and extensive history with this band that its just so much, like.

ive been a fan of 5sos since july 15th, 2014. i was 5/6 years old sitting on the front porch of my grandma's house with this girl i was friends with. she showed me some of their songs and i was in love. i didnt stop listening to them for years, they were my everything. idols, best friends, family, everything. and the only reason i stopped listening to them ever is because of some really heavy traumatic events that happened to me when i was 8-10 years old.

fast forward a few years, i start dating this guy. this guy really liked 5sos, he got me back into 5sos. my brain was so traumatized, it blocked out most of my memories with this band, with the fans of this band, etc. and him getting me to listen to their entire discography? yeah that brought them flooding back.

yet i still stayed, with him and the band again. this guy became really toxic. we argued every night, he blatantly ignored my needs, he got mad at me for getting more 5sos streams than him, he made fun of me for only listening to their old stuff. he acted like i hadnt told him, "hey, some really fucked up things happened to me in 2014-2016 and i forgot pretty much everything from those years so i kind of obsess over them"

but me and this guy were ldr, my mom took my phone, i texted him through a friends' phone. he starts cheating on me. i come back, my mom is having heart surgery, and he tells me i have to break up with him. so i do.

i break up with him, i go through the shit, i get pissed off, i get upset, i cry. i cry a LOT. and for a bit i didnt listen to 5sos. and then i get back into 5sos, because im not gonna change who i am at my very core because some idiot guy who was 'there first' made it about him. i'll make it about me again, i will obsess over it, i will go back to being six years old crying on the front porch with my best friend. i will go back to being a kid who didnt know why people didnt like her.

and i did. im back there, im who six year old me dreamed of being. sure, i have my days where the only thing i can do is cry and try not to hurl myself down a flight of stairs, but im still here arent i? ive made it to the age i always dreamed about being, havent i? im still absolutely in love with the same exact bands, the same exact places, the same exact aesthetics.

5sos is why im me, like that is such a beautiful and poetic thing to me. im still here because of a band, im still here because some guys that at the time were across the world gave me some motivation to keep going? of course im gonna love them. of course im gonna advertise the shit out of them. of course im gonna know every detail i possibly can about them.

like, i mean yeah, i took a little break. but i was forced to by my own brain. and even then, what helped me start healing form that trauma? 5sos. what helped me start healing from that breakup? 5sos.

tw for s/h + suicidal stuff under the cut! its nothing bad bad, just mentions attempts and stuff but its talking about getting better :3 tl;dr in bottom of the cut!

its so weird to say that "this guy who doesnt even know i exist, saved my life" but its true sometimes. like i was in such a bad place when i was younger that i couldnt function. yearly, i was being checked into psych wards. they never helped. i tried therapy, i tried medication. nothing worked.

and then 5sos came back into my life and i finally felt whole again. i finally felt like i was me again. i had been self harming since i was in the third grade, and once you cope like that for so long, its really hard to stop.

but i finally made the decision to get clean, i finally said "enough is enough, i dont want to be like this anymore. i wanna live and be healthy, i wanna live and be happy, i wanna wear shorts, i wanna wear skirts, i wanna wear short sleeves and tanks, i want to wear dresses without sleeves that show my thighs a little. and would ashton or luke or michael or calum really want me to do this to myself? no, no they wouldnt, get your shit together era." and so i did? i got it together, i made my life work. i started looking for the good again, i started behaving like a little kid that knew no bounds again, i started acting my age. i started loving me again. and thats powerful? thats metal as fuck.

the app that i use to track my clean streak has a section for "reasons to stay clean" i have pictures of my friends, my animals, and most importantly, the guys that finally inspired me to pick myself up off the floor and put myself back together.

because i did, i really had to scrounge up the broken pieces. i really had to dig deep and try and piece them back together. and it took work, and im still working on it. and even though ive been clean from s/h for three months, the urges are still there and every time theres just that little voice in my head that takes on ashton's that goes "hey dont, its not the right way." and every time i feel like the world is over, like i dont have anything else, it's always just a reminder.

there will be something else, no matter what theres gonna be something else. no matter what, the suns gonna rise again. no matter what, something good will come of all your pain, all your struggles, all your heartbreak, all the tears. the sleepless nights, the trauma, the guilt, the anger, the fear, the sadness, all of it. it means youre human, it means youre alive. it means good things are gonna happen, you just gotta wait for it. you gotta pick yourself up and keep going. keep fighting, keep running, keep walking. hell if you have to, keep crawling. keep crawling while youre crying. dont look back, youre not going that way. think of how far your faves have come, think of how your younger self wants to know what theyre gonna grow up to be. think.

its not over, it will never be over. pain is human, youre human. youre experiencing life as it was meant to be experienced, its okay to have off days.

tl;dr 5sos + me have been together since i was six and ashton irwin has quite literally kept me alive and from destroying myself mentally and physically for nearly ten years. cool beans bro

[palms-upturned]

Institutionalization tw

Reading that comic about the Elan school is really fucking me up tbh and it almost makes me feel stupid because I was just locked up for like 3 days but the author was in Elan for like two or three years. And I was lucky enough to have family members who were willing to storm the castle so to speak to get me out of there. But like something about seeing a glimpse of a place where the pretense is only for the benefit of people outside the facility, meanwhile inside everyone says (screams, really) the quiet part out loud, is just really fucking with me.

In the psych ward, I was strip searched with the justification that it was to check me for signs of abuse/self harm. In Elan, it was very straightforwardly a humiliation tactic. In the ward, staff periodically opened our bedroom doors to check on us during the night, allegedly for safety. In Elan, they checked with a flashlight every fifteen minutes in order to prevent the kids from running, but also to keep them tired and edgy and very aware of being surveilled. In the ward, I was told that since I checked in voluntarily, I would have the right to check myself out whenever I wanted (which is why I checked myself in to begin with), but then found every excuse not to release me after I had already been approved to leave, threatening me that if I got too upset, it would be used as justification to keep me longer because clearly I was unstable. In Elan, they used the uncertainty of when someone would be released as a way to manipulate and wear down the inmates. In therapy/rehab/etc, people are told not to be codependent and “enable” their loved ones by housing and caring for them while they use substances, or remain unemployed, or engage in whatever “bad” behavior. At Elan, the parents were literally coached to threaten the kids with being disowned if they tried to leave Elan when they turned 18 rather than staying until “graduation” so that the school could keep on wringing more money out of the families as long as possible. I could go on but it makes me too queasy.

The author of the comic details how after his escape from Elan, he was hit by the weight of how impossible it would be to talk about his experiences in a way that people understand, not just because it was so painful, but also because the outside world and the world of Elan feel like completely different dimensions. The experiences are so vastly different and both worlds are kept so completely separate. I felt that after leaving the ward, too. I still feel it. Admitting that I've been institutionalized at all can be really terrifying because I don't know what will happen to a person's opinion of me. I wish people cared more about the rights of psych patients, and of children, and especially both.

[syscourse-confessions]

📬

I'm of the opinion that anti endo, pro endo, and endo neutral people could just coexist in peace and like, share resources or talk about the weather, but instead someone will harass someone else because they really have nothing else to do all day

so it's "you are not a real system muh muh!! no knowing about what is wrong with you until you're 69 with 3 kids, 2 part time jobs, and at least 420 major life events that happened this last month that broke your psyche for good so you can't cope anymore and you're ACTUALLY disordered now. also provide your entire trauma and medical history so I can make sure you're not lying" or "well AChKTUALLYh I can appropriate words that are explicitly not for me because my friend who is conveniently whatever I'm talking about said it's okay :) I don't care if you ask not to use it in your presence because it's disrespectful to you. I love crossing boundaries it's a nice hobby to have I can function well with other people"

I've seen some shit being in pro endo spaces that discourages me from talking about my disorder in the first place, despite being pro/neutral myself (it's nuanced)

when I'm these spaces I try to talk about anything but my polyfrag DID, because I'm either not taken seriously, or someone will find some excuse to invalidate my experiences and make things more confusing by using terms I've explicitly said not to use if you didn't have these experiences, such as polyfrag (it's not just a big system!!! jesus christ!!!)

meanwhile, anti endos also have hurt me, by indirectly hating on undiagnosed systems while masking it as being against systems who are too covert for their liking or "making symptoms up" which are often just signs of being polyfrag really

I know it's hard to hear it but disorders actually have different manifestations in different people, and my DID is only covert online because I let it

every space has its problems and we could just come to an agreement that plurality is plurality, traumagenic and endogenic plurality are inherently different, while also coming to an agreement that some terms are exclusive to traumagenic systems and some subsets of traumagenic systems, and that there are better hobbies than harassment. you know. peace and love on planet earth and all that, your syscourse stance doesn't necessarily mean you HAVE to be a fucking asshole

or if you can't stop being an asshat regardless of where you stand, you can always talk about something else. crazy weather out there these last few 40 years innit

📬- Syscourse replies encouraged

DISCLAIMER: Posts may or may not reflect accurate information. More info here: https://www.tumblr.com/syscourse-confessions/728819621058232320/disclaimer-treat-posts-here-like-you-would-any

[highnsleepdeprived]

Tw and this will be the longest post I will ever make and have ever made. But I need to get this off my shoulders I need to say anything to anyone who may or may not listen. If you read this, do me or comment I need input. I guess this is a sort of aita or just how do I make ppl happy without destroying my mental health in the process? I need balance, I need something, anything. Really, I’m not sure what I need. But any words are encouraged. I know I’m not gonna get answers. But just, is this normal ? Am I being too much? Should I keep to myself? Is any of this worth it anymore?? Anyways, bless your heart if anyone reads this novel lol.

Anyways.

I’m a week sober now.

I thought life would be so much better. But my old repressed problems arose so fast and out of nowhere. It’s been extremely difficult.

Every night I have dreams of trying to use and I never get to in my dream. I wake up before I can get high at least in a dream. Then I’m awake and have nothing to satisfy the urge. So I go back to sleep. Then, The dreams get violent, terrifying, and too real. I wake up screaming, sometimes yelling my boyfriend’s name. He’s always in the other room. Used to run in and hug me tell me it’s just a dream etc. Now he seems to get annoyed, doesn’t come in now, and seems to like it better when he doesn’t know what’s going on in my head. Everyone seems to like it better actually.

My ptsd has come back with a vengeance during sobriety. It feels like the (tw) rape, near death experiences, guns to the head, knives to the throat, no one coming when I’d scream even in a house full of people…being drugged, the attempts on my life, overdoses, the hundreds of hospital and psych visits, the physical and mental abuse, the homeless months doing things I wouldn’t ever have thought I’d ever do, getting beat the shit out of for no reason other than being an easy target, even just little things I regret.. the general trauma I guess..it’s all replayed all over again in my brain, many times a day. It’s like I’m really there again. I’m always brought back to those moments, those feelings. My god it feels so real. It’s so vivid, I can smell the air of the memory, I can feel it all happen again, I can see the surroundings like I never left In the first place. Worst of all is seeing the look on their pleased faces after all is said and done. The pain in my stomach. The bruises and suffocation. The guns and knives to my head, my neck. Every detail of it all. I feel it. I see it. I smell it. I’m back there, like I’ve time travelled somehow to the worst times of my life.

So I got the courage up to tell my boyfriend, and my mother. I explained only the fact that the ptsd is back and the nightmares. I said I feared if I didn’t let someone know I would do something reckless and irrational trying to make it all stop in my head. I asked if they could check up on me sometimes, or even just support me in this hard time.

My god was that ever a mistake.

I was told me telling my struggles and my cries for help are abusive..I’m told I’m burdening the people I love. That I have control over myself and my mental health. That no one should have to hear about it because it’s not their issue. My mother said “why are you telling me this? Why are you doing this to me? What did I ever do to you?” Like I had said it was her fault or something. It was like I explained it all word for word, said it was her fault, or called her the worst names under the sun. But I didn’t.. I couldn’t figure out what I did wrong, I thought maybe she thought I felt this way because of something she thought she may have done so I said it isn’t her fault and that I never thought that, and never wanted it to come across that way. She said it didn’t, but I am torturing her by telling her my struggles cause she doesn’t deserve to hear it. She said That it’s abusive to put my problems on others, which was not my intention so I felt terrible.. I promised I wouldn’t talk about any negativity to her no matter how I feel.

My boyfriend told me to stop being so negative and said only I can help myself. He thinks I’m focusing on these awful memories like I want to, not that they invade my mind whenever they feel like it. He said I’m “playing victim” and continued by saying “ it’s over with” and to stop acting like I’m some weak victim still, but In my eyes, I was a survivor not a victim.. I was only trying to speak of how I felt for my safety and maybe get feedback on what may be helpful for these moments, or just get some physical love, a hug, at very most maybe just feedback from the two people who I thought know me best..

But talking about how I’m feeling and hoping for some empathy or what would be above and beyond to me, would be an idea or plan to make things easier when episodes happen and I’m alone, because I don’t have a counsellor yet that’s coming this week. So, thinking he’d say let’s watch a movie to distract or something, was so wrong. Wanting support knowing I’m unable to handle it myself, or talking about the issue at all apparently makes me some kind of monster..

But How do you explain to some who doesn’t get flashbacks that there’s no way to control it? They don’t seem to get it.

I’m told I seem to want to be a victim. That I’m weak. Should’ve been over it by now. The people who are supposed to love me and care, think I’m abusive for wanting help, advice, comfort, anything..even just company which was all i ended up asking for at all. there were no harsh words said, no abusive behaviour done, I was just wanting comfort. And somehow that is abusive of me, to want sympathy. Not pity. I don’t fucking want pity. That is the last thing I want, it feels demeaning and desperate on my end if that’s what I wanted. I hate pity. I won’t give it and don’t want it. But I will give understanding and empathy. And obviously I want that too.. Or even just a hug.. all I asked was for my boyfriend to sit with me so I don’t feel so alone. I need something just until counselling is ready for me after creating a new file and giving me a worker. But It’s abusive to put that on someone else they said. To ask for the man I love to sit in the same room as me, just for comfort, is being an abusive burden. Being upset that I still have to deal with the past like it’s the present makes me a victim who wants to play that role still apparently. Thinking it’s not fair to still have to relive it after it’s all done years later, they say, makes me unreasonable. talking about it is unreasonable, so is hoping for at least an indication that I’m allowed to open up like I always have been before, an indication that the people I care about the most have my back. It’s my mom and boyfriend, I thought they did... they always have. I’m hurting and it’s my fault that I can’t stop, they say it like I don’t try, that I haven’t tried dbt, cbt, inpatient trauma rehab, every medication I could have tried, individual therapy with over a dozen different therapists, even 45 visits to the psych ward. But I’m still not trying enough..? Or haven’t at all!? I’m victimizing myself and it’s my fault I’m struggling because I feel all the past trauma happen all over again because of a disorder that I haven’t gotten under control of yet?? I should be stronger I’m told, not let it get to me. I agree I should be stronger. After all this time I should know better, feel better. But the drugs numbed me for so long I haven’t felt this in so much time that it feels worse than before. Opening up about it to them both, to me, took strength.. but I wasn’t just shut down I was told everything I feel is invalid, everything I’ve done to make progress wasn’t really progress cause I wasn’t really trying, and in some weird way I agree. cause it didn’t work. And to talk about it to the loml, to my family, is evil of me. They act Like I’m putting it in my mind myself , starting the flashbacks on my own, and talking to them for some type of relief, to them is me trying to make their day worse and make them feel guilty. They’ve always done more than enough and I make sure they know I feel blessed, this all felt so out of nowhere..

How do I make them see that I can’t control it? That I could be thrown back into a terrible memory, so vivid I can see it and feel it all over again, one that completely ruins the progress I’ve made. How do I get them to see that I try to build myself back up all over again, but that it’s almost impossible to do alone, and that I can’t help it I can’t control ptsd episodes and if I could I would. Why would I want to remember this shit? Let alone relive it?? Is it so evil to know that I need support from people who matter most to me to build myself back up and ask for that support in the form of just being nearby ? I live with my bf, neither of us work currently, so asking to sit in the same room shouldn’t be so terrible it shouldn’t be something evil to ask.. we always spend every hour of the day together and it has always been great, we don’t get sick of each other etc.. but today he’s been ignoring me and playing video games. I’ll repeat myself and he will reply “I heard you. Not sure what to say”. But he always knows what to say. I think he’s just sick of my baggage, sick of me not being better yet. I thought he knew I do what I can though, and that it’s not a mind over matter type thing. When I told him he didn’t believe me.

They don’t say all these things about my seizures and it’s the same type of thing. Even if I feel it coming on, I can’t stop it. If I say I feel like I may have a seizure they listen and jump into action but when it’s my mental health it’s horrible of me to make it clear that I’m struggling. They say they think I want to stew in my emotions and drag them into it. I’m working on getting help through new resources, but until that day comes, I thought the people who always have helped would be supportive. Or even just be nearby, at least respond. I do what I can, it’s not enough. If all this happened without the calling me abusive and a victim etc, I’d understand. I know they aren’t professionals and have no obligation to help I don’t expect anything but a hug or even to just sit in silence with someone. But why is my pain what makes me so horrible? If I did shit like blame them, or told them they aren’t helping or doing enough, swore, called names, directed anger to them, I’d understand then.. ya that’s abusive behaviour. but to want to feel loved, not alone, and just a bit of empathy, To want any sort of support I think is okay… but in their eyes it means I’m weak for wanting that or even feeling how I do. I have to do it alone or I’m “trying to be a victim”, “trying to get attention” “want to keep the victim mentality going so others pity me”. Pity to me, is the last thing I want. But if to want support or ask to talk, to sit in a room together, is evil and abusive and makes me a weak victim that doesn’t want change then what am I supposed to do? These words make me feel unworthy of life and unworthy of treatment, like I don’t deserve to get better. If that’s how I am why should I deserve any good at all ? Would I still be so terrible if I began keeping my pain, my thoughts, my body, my everything, to myself? Would they love me more if I were silent? Put on a smile, wear a mask of a person who is doing well, play the part, bottle up whatever’s not pleasant for others sake (and mine so I’m not alone) so I can open it when I’m alone, vulnerable, irrational, at risk? or maybe never open it again..? Have my mind suffer but keep it separate from the persona everyone wants to see. The caricature of someone with no baggage, happy all the time and doesn’t have any diagnosis that makes me more than imperfect but makes me totally unbearable and makes everyone near me miserable. I feel like with a bit of time and help professionally, mixed with support from loved ones, I’d be that person eventually, maybe not exactly but I wouldn’t be faking at least..

They deserve the best, I love them both to death and they’re great people so I must be doing something wrong, they’re probably right and if I’m not at my best and it makes me a monster for them to know that, then I’ll act okay again. The fake it till u make it doesn’t work in this specific scenario ptsd doesn’t work that way for me, but It seems like the only solution right now, to keep my family and boyfriend happy hopefully, or at least keep me in their lives.

I thought I was a survivor..but apparently I’m still a victim. Or at least that’s what others see. Someone who will always be or “want” to be the victim.

I just wanted to be a survivor. I thought that’s how I came across..like a kind, loving, strong, survivor. Not a weak, abusive, victim who is a bother to be around or know..

The lines have began to blur. Is it really so wrong to explain your feelings to the people closest to you ..? Am I really so terrible?? Should I even keep getting real help and more of it if I seem like a victim, like I’m trying to be one? Do I really not seem like a survivor? Does pain mentally really make me weak..?

I don’t know what’s real anymore.

I don’t know what to think or feel anymore.

I’d rather feel nothing at all.

Hear nothing.

Be nothing.

Because Then who will I burden?

I can’t be a burden if I’m alone. If I’m gone.

Maybe it’s what’s wanted, what’s needed. I’m not even sure what to do or what’s worth it anymore. Doesn’t seem like anything is tbh. I try so hard to be a good person, at least be better than before.. to hear I’m doing the opposite today, when before i was told i was doing well because I didn’t complain about my mental health, hearing this is how loved ones think of me, no matter how much I have tried, is so discouraging. I’m looked down on. All I wanted was to hear it’ll be okay. Hear “I’m sorry that must be hard” or an “I’ll be here if you need”, even offering a damn tea.. I would be so happy, I’d know they’re trying too. In times like these, I think anyone and everyone deserves kindness. In dark times sometimes we can’t be our own light. These two people have always been that light for me, but they must have had enough. I don’t blame them.

I need to be strong for the ones I love, not trauma dump and in return be looked down on and seem like I’m trying to keep myself in pain or bring others down with me.

That’s not who I am. I can’t believe this is who I’m seen as now.. I’m gonna lose the people I love and need most over my mental heath being too much baggage, and my past following me into the future. If only I hadn’t been so trusting, letting these traumatic bs things happen to me. I should have had my guard up. I only wanted a shoulder to cry on, to vent a bit or hear a couple kind words, I just wanted to feel loved. I never wanted to seem so horrible, seem like I’m trying to make this who I am or ruin someone’s day or relationship with me by speaking about my issues. I figured they know me best, they’d know what to say or at least how to reassure me. I can’t always do this on my own but I’m gonna have to until a counsellor picks up my case. But then will I burden them..? I don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t know who I am anymore. I know when I do wrong and I know when to apologize I do everything I can to be the best I can. Pain changes people, I wanted to get input from people closest to me before the pain changed me for the worst. But I’m already not the person I thought I was apparently I’m everything I always wanted not to be… if anyone has any sort of words good or bad I just need to know what to think at this point. Should I keep to myself from this point on?? Just deal with the flashbacks hold back tears and pretend it didn’t happen ? Am I really being that way to them ? I see how it’s unfair because both don’t like to open up about feelings but I make sure constantly that they know when they’re ready to they can. It just hurts knowing that isn’t reciprocated. If anyone can give me an idea on how not to be so awful to them but still hopefully get the support I need I would be very grateful. I know there’s probably no one reading this. But if you did thank you. I just need to turn this around so I’m not the person they see me as cause now it’s all I can think about.

[callgespenst]

It wasn't a hugely eventful convention or anything but I should probably still write up my Matsuricon 2024 report.

Thursday: Had a friend stay over at my place for the weekend. Pregamed the con by watching a few more episodes of Legend of the Galactic Heroes.

Friday: Cosplayed Soujyurou from Mahoyo, made the jacket and safety pinned my Robin plush to my shoulder. Showed up, grabbed my badge, ran our Lupin III panel for the first time in...four and a half years? Went out into the hallway to chat with people who attended the panel. Then suddenly it was four hours later and we went home.

Saturday: Went home early on Friday to be awake and in a panel room at 8 AM on Saturday to talk about robots for two hours. Midway through the 90s we realized that, despite getting the longest possible timeslot, we were still almost out of time, and had to blast through the last three decades. Haven't done that panel in a while either (haven't done too many panels in general since the pandemic).

Got lunch and looked around the dealer's hall for a bit. I got a rubber charm of Bocchi (of Rock) from a gachapon machine. Not a whole lot else I was interested in, but that's objectively a good thing. Then it was off to the YGO tournament!

I'd revamped my deck (again) because I had made a few key realizations. First, I don't know my opponents' decks well enough to effectively use hand traps to shut down a combo. Second, many modern decks are relatively unprepared to handle a board-clearing spell. Monster effects are simple to negate and counter with a full board. But spells, maybe not. And third, and this one is the most critical part: having a balanced deck of 50/50 monsters/spells and traps no longer matters. I was taking out a bunch of monsters that would never, ever actually be played to the field, their only point in my deck was to be discarded as a counter; to switch in three copies of Raigeki, three Dark Holes, and two Lightning Storms.

It wasn't a huge tourney, there were eleven other players, for what would end up being three rounds of single elimination. My first game, I played a guy who had some kinda deck full of Dinosaurs and counter trap cards. It was an interesting playstyle I hadn't seen before, but I won that 2-0. Second game, Kashtira. Won the first duel, lost the second, won the third. Third and final game, which I sure didn't expect to get to the finals, was vs Ancient Gears, another deck that prefers to go second. Lost the first game, won the second, and I might have been able to win the third if I hadn't let myself get psyched out. But I'm still pretty pleased with my performance, considering I've lost just about every other match I've played with my new deck 0-2.

The second place prize was a bunch of tournament packs, and first place was as well, plus a free badge for next year. The first place winner let me have his pack pulls, which was nice, I'm still building back up a selection of trades to have available. I didn't really need a free badge for next year anyway since I'm planning on paneling again, and my opponent getting a free badge means we can rematch next year! So honestly, I'm kinda glad I got second.

Also while everyone waited for the tourney to start, everyone was ribbing on one guy for his very expensive deck he was keeping in the world's most basic $3 deckbox, so that was entertaining. Reminded me of the fellas I used to play YGO with at the local library, where there was always some friendly banter back and forth.

After that I hung out with a few more friends, played some Melty Blood, and went home.

Sunday: The traditional day at a con where I play mahjong with the homies until we pack up and go home. I got in one whole game before we took all the tables back to our organizer's car (that took half an hour to find). That wrapped up the event and then I got home and conked out early Sunday evening and most of Monday too. I didn't even do a whole lot of running around or anything, I was just tired.

Also my last few conventions have been so overwhelmingly positive on the whole that I forgot that these events are also frequented by people who are weird in not-fun ways. That last mahjong game, had a fella start spouting off about he hates being referred to as cis, despite being a cis hetero male. I hit him with the "I hate the cis because they are led by the treacherous Count Dooku" and that worked surprisingly well at changing the subject, but it was still, terribly awkward there for a second, especially when another of our club's regulars at the same table is one of the most Gender individuals I know.

Anyway that's probably my last anime con for the year, but there's a new event coming to the area in April I think I'll hit up, excited to see what that's like.

[tomyo]

Hbomberguy has unfortunately taught me that if I find myself really not gelling with someone it's probably because they're a shitty person.

Like I'm no Cassandra but all this time I remember I would just watch his videos and think "hmmm yeah, I can place my finger on it but I don't like the way he talks about these things." And then I ignored it because I thought I was just going out of my comfort zone.

I can't remember everything I beefed on him with but I definitely hated when he started to take on anime or Asian media. Overall I just think a lot of times westerners tend to assume their values and ways issues are dealt with are universal and he was just another lukewarm dive into the medium. Like its personal to me but I still stand by that Yuri on Ice isn't gay in the sense it isn't made for gay people, it's voyeuristic and pairing stories of incestuous feelings within it's short run time was a horrible choice they could have skipped. It comes to mind because I think he brought it up in one of his recent videos (I've been bedridden all week so my watch later queque has been playing on in the bg between lucidity) and it ticked me off. I hate the way he was dismissive of Heart Stopper for being twee and the whole rant about how it's not just him but other gay men too who think this! Honestly! For real guys! And for minutes I was just there like Alice Oseman is aroace! When he finally gets there it became infuriating how he diminished it's importance. Authors are allowed to let their experience effect their writing! She's not responsible to cater to you. The beauty of Heartstopper is it's release has lived through a rapid change in lgbtq acceptance and is the perfect opportunity to show that romantic and sexual inclination also exist on a sliding scale because that's something we are now widely teaching!! To write modern teen characters, you have to empathize with modern teens. They're not you!! Which is mostly good given the history of our community. It's good to get to see queer teen boys take it maybe infuriatingly slow because they don't have to be pressured for more.

James to me was always just a bit pessimistic and not really good at empathizing which given how much he stole makes sense why what he said and how he acted just felt off. It makes sense when everyone else in "breadtube" started promoting each other's works how it never seemed to happen with him. I don't remember him saying he was the only person really doing this but that's fucking bizarre to hear when the list of people who does what he pretended to was endless. Before I even watched the whole video I already brought up Matt Baume who like Hbomberguy said feels the exact opposite to James. Matt talks forward about progress, genuinely made me realize how we were always here, and the path lead forward to us getting there. Maybe it's not great to admit but there's YouTubers I watch that I know I have to psych myself up to watch, sometimes I don't like their running joke, sometimes they talk too fast multitasking, sometimes they have a habit that gets to me and I just need mental prep. James was like, "sigh here we go" that you'd feel before you were about to talk with that one friend who makes every convo abrasive and combative, I'm coming out a little annoyed and tired by the end of it. With Matt I remember it being a case of getting ready to sit down to hear a part of obscure history knowledge from that one friend who reads a book every two days. Possibly the biggest difference between the two is how much you believe Matt is committed to the material he's making because 1. It also focuses on sitcoms and old Hollywood queerness hence an well carved niche 2. It isn't as easy to churn out material. I've heard a million videos on owl house's queerness or Sherlock queer baiting but fuck all did I ever know how Tab Hunter was. There were so many "weird little funny guy" actors that I could make assumptions were gay but Matt actually gave me their stories and has made my heart cry for how hard they had it even thought I always could have figured that. And maybe that's what sucked, James as a queer man just never seemed to emotionally resonate.

Fuck, man I'm just rambling with all of this but the sheer validation of feeling off all these years paying of is wonderful. I don't really want to celebrate his downfall to much, not worth the energy, and I don't want to put another YouTuber on a pedestal because we have a bad habit of doing that only to have things turn out wrong. The thing is I watched illuminauti and Internet historian too but in the same way where I knew I was getting junk food. I wasn't looking for anything fancy and their sections did not surprise me and if anything maybe just make me feel embarrassed how comfortable I am eating badly made media. But god maybe worse is how happy I am to have someone tell me that it's alright that I don't like one gay dudes well produced videos.