#even though I've died multiple times when i first met you

[eliduck]

Whose the best vessel

this one

I like this one :)

honestly they're all awesome sauce for me to pick

[shockercoco]

Only Pleasure Remains

Feyd Rautha x reader

Warnings - 18+, smut, oral (fem receiving), fingering, squirting, penetration, dirty talk, orgasm denial, multiple orgasms, basically enemies to lovers

Word count - 3608

a/n - this was supposed to be posted over a week ago, but I kept procrastinating on finishing it. This is also my longest imagine so far lol. Disclaimer: I haven't read the books yet I've only seen the movies, but I just ordered the first one. I hope you enjoy :)

You’re currently pacing back and forth in one of the vip suites, waiting for the fight to start. It’s the fight that will determine whether or not you’ll have to marry the most deranged person you’ve ever laid eyes on.

Feyd Rautha is known for being unhinged in and out of the arena. It could be because of his past that he lacks compassion, or he just has no regard for anyone other than himself. He’ll kill anyone in an instant without blinking an eye, but sometimes he’ll take his time to enjoy the moment.

You’ve never talked to Feyd and have only looked at him from a distance each time you visited the planet for your father to discuss business matters. When he would join the meetings you would avoid eye contact, but he would always watch you. When you guys would pass each other in the corridors you would keep your head down and walk faster, but you knew he was looking at you. You never knew if he was looking at you like a piece of meat or an actual human being. What really made you sick is that, despite his horrific personality, you still found him attractive.

Recently your father and Baron Harkonnen had a huge argument and couldn’t come to an agreement, and of course the only way to resolve the issue is with a battle with you as collateral. It wasn't completely out of the blue since  your father was somewhat close to the Baron, but it was a terrible proposition. Baron Harkonnen wants to make sure his bloodline is secure before he dies and Feyd takes control, but of all the women in the universe he had to pick you.

So now here you are a week later, along with the other citizens inside the arena, waiting to see the outcome of the fight. You already know what it will be though, everyone knows it, but you’re hoping that just this once the outcome will be different.

Eventually, you hear Feyd’s name being announced to the crowd followed by him strutting into the arena with no emotion on his face. You can’t bring yourself to watch the fight so you turn your back as soon as it starts, not even bothering to take a seat. The arena is dead silent once the fight starts, allowing you to hear the clashing of swords and the shouts coming from each man. 

It’s not long before Feyd’s announced as the winner, as usual, and the crowd erupts in cheers. You turn back around and catch sight of the dead bodies splayed around Feyd who's basking in the praise from the sea of people in the stands. Turning your head to your left you lock eyes with your father who gives you an apologetic smile, but you just shake your head not knowing what to say to him. You take one last look into the arena and at Feyd’s face, before leaving.

The guards already knew of the arrangement and wouldn’t let you stray too far from the grounds of the house. It didn’t take long for you to find out about the several lady’s maids you now had – more than back home – because they basically circled around you until you finally told them that you didn’t need them at the moment. One remained close behind you though.

When you were shown to your room, you were met with one that was far from small. You had a king size bed, a spacious bathroom with a walk-in shower, and a balcony that allowed you to look out into the distance at the skyline. You notice your knick knacks and personal items were scattered around the room on tables and shelves, and your clothes had already been unpacked and inside the closet.

They really don’t waste time here.

As beautiful as the room was, it couldn’t replace the one you had back home – the life you had back home.

Later that night after you bathed, you were about to call it a day and just crawl under the covers, but you decided against it. Luckily there was no one standing outside of your room or lurking in the hallway, but there was still a chance of you getting caught by one of the guards or by one of the Baron’s henchmen.

Even though you’ve been here many times, you have only gone to the places that were necessary: the throne room, restrooms, dining hall, and the room for meetings. As you walked you noticed that many of the rooms were either locked or empty. You did manage to find a room full of paintings and another resembling an armory that seemed to be for display only. 

Some of the items were tarnished, some looked extremely fragile, and some still had the blood on it from the time it was used. When you heard a pair of paced footsteps, you decided to make your way to the other side of the house to continue your exploration and to avoid being seen.

The other side gave you a completely different vibe, mainly because the corridors were barely lit. The main source of light came from the fireworks exploding outside, an applaud for Feyd. You started to wish you had brought a candle or anything that could grant you more light since the ceiling lights weren’t helping much. The farther you walked, you started to feel more and more uneasy. You felt like someone was watching you, which is ironic because this wasn’t the best lighting for seeing.

Feeling it was time to end the exploration, you turn around and start to head back but stop when you hear something. Or, at least you thought you heard something. It was dead silent except for the faint sounds of explosions. You were about to keep walking when you felt someone wrap their arm around and press a blade to your neck. The person’s scent is familiar though, reminding you of what you would smell every time you walked past Feyd.

Was he just casually hiding in the shadows?

“What are you doing here? How did you get past the guards?” you hear Feyd ask from behind you in his usual raspy voice, the rasp that you love but will never admit outloud.

You're relieved that it’s not a random person, but still a little fearful given the fact he could end your life at any second. The thought practically paralyzes you.

“I was just about to head back to my room,” your response is short.

“That doesn’t answer what I asked. No one’s allowed this way,” Feyd says as he circles around to stand in front of you with the edge of his blade still pressed to your neck. “Wait a minute, I’ve seen you around. Aren’t you that lord’s daughter, the one I’m so supposed to be marrying?”

You were about to just give him a simple nod, but then remember the blade pressed against your throat. “Yes.”

He waits a moment as he looks at you before moving his hand away and leaving it to hang by his side along with the blade. Despite being surrounded by darkness, his blade still manages to shine. You automatically take a step back.

“I could’ve killed you, why didn’t you say anything?” he asks, though his tone makes it clear he doesn’t care too much.

“To be fair you had a blade pressed to my neck,” you answer as Feyd’s dark eyes stare into yours. He doesn’t reply right away as he looks you up and down. His stare makes you feel exposed considering you’re only wearing a thin nightgown covered by a robe. Unconsciously, you begin to play with your fingers behind your back. Feyd notices your fidgeting though.

“Are you scared of me?” he suddenly asks, and you’re not sure how to reply. Everyone is scared of him, but is he genuinely asking or is he trying to get a kick out of this?

“No,” you choose to say, and he smirks.

He starts to slowly walk around you as he continues speaking. “No? Do I just make you nervous then? It has to be something because you’ve always avoided eye contact with me, and I know how you would distance yourself from me on purpose. In fact, this is the first conversation we’ve had. Come on now, we’re going to be married soon, we should be able to talk to each other,” he smirks.

Well, what the hell am I supposed to say to that?

“Isn’t that how you want people around you to feel? Everyone has their weakness, what’s yours?” you question as he continues to circle you.

He doesn’t hesitate to say, “I don’t have one.”

“Everyone has one,” you pause as you think then say, “what about the women you always have around? Everyone knows you’re a playboy, that sounds like a weakness to me.”

He stops in front of you to look down at you and into your eyes with the smirk still on his face. “That sounds like jealousy to me.” 

“It’s simply an observation,” you shrug. 

“You know, I usually don’t let the women I sleep with talk to me like this,” he says with a tilt of the head.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means that for you I guess I will make an exception, given the fact you’re my bride and all,” he says before he circles behind you again to press his body up against yours. He leans into your ear to whisper, “but just this time.”

You wish you could stop the goosebumps from appearing on your skin or the shiver that works its way through your body. You thought Feyd wouldn’t notice, but he must’ve because he leans back with a light chuckle. Right now all you want to do is slap him across the face for his arrogance and yourself for the way your body reacted to his words. 

“I won’t sleep with you just yet, my darling, but it will happen soon because it’s obvious you can’t wait,” Feyd says as he slowly backs away from you. You turn around wanting to say something else, but before you get the chance he says, “run along now, it’s getting late.”

He keeps that smug look on his face as you give him one last look before leaving. Your mind tells you to hate him, but your body says otherwise as a warm feeling travels through your core as you walk back to your room.

You also hate how every night after part of you expects Feyd to walk through your bedroom door. He didn’t come the night after your encounter in his corridor. He didn’t come the next night either or the night after that. You knew it was foolish waiting for a man that has his own sex slaves – a man that you’re supposed to detest.

It isn’t until the fourth day that Feyd arrives at your door; little did you know Feyd was having his own internal conflict. He hadn’t used any of his slaves since that night he caught you in his corridor, not feeling the need for them. He also was not a fan of his feelings toward you.

You were standing out on your balcony enjoying the night breeze when you heard a knock on your door. You knew it could only be one of your lady’s maids at this time, so you didn’t hesitate to tell the person outside the door to come in as you took a couple steps back into your room. In walked a lady’s maid that you have grown quite fond of over the past couple of days.

“There’s a visitor here for you, would you like me to send them in,” she asks.

You wanted to say no given the current time, but you nodded anyway and watched as she walked back out. Not even a few seconds later, Feyd replaces her spot covered in a black robe, a stark contrast to his pale skin, and closes the bedroom door behind him.

Your body stiffens, nearly stuck to the ground, as you quickly try to figure out your emotions in your head. Feyd takes his time walking towards you as he looks around your room, and this gives you enough time to pull yourself together. You step back out onto the balcony as he gets closer and closer, and he follows you out there.

“Nice view don’t you think?” he asks as he stands next to you, looking out into the distance.

“Did you really come here to ask me about the view?” you look up at him.

“Straight to the point, I like it,” he smirks.

“Straight to what point?” you act dumb and put some space in between the two of you.

“Why do you think I’m here?” he tilts his head down at you.

“Apparently to talk about the view,” you reply in a joking manner and look out into the distance to avoid his gaze. Out of the corner of your eye you can see his jaw tighten.

“You’re making this hard.”

“What?” you ask, still not looking at him. You want him to hear him say outloud what he wants.

Except he doesn’t say anything. Instead, he quickly closes the distance between the two of you as he places his lips on yours and his hands on your cheeks. The force he uses startles you and pushes you back a couple steps, but you recover and grab onto his wrists as you begin kissing him back.

You wonder for a second if you’re giving in too easily, but the feeling of Feyd’s grip on you tosses the idea out of your mind.

Feyd hated how needy and desperate he felt as his lips attacked  yours. The kiss was rough, but Feyd was trying to hold himself back from going too far. Normally he wouldn’t care about how rough or gentle he was with a woman because his slaves never complained — not like they had a choice — and some of them even came to him first to satisfy their own needs. This time though, it was him coming to you.

Feyd deepens the kiss, keeping his hold on your face firm, as he starts to push you back into your bedroom. Once your legs hit the bed, he unties the knot on your robe before slowly peeling it off your shoulders leaving you nothing but your nightgown and undergarments. He breaks the kiss to push you back, and you scoot your body into the center of the bed.

 The way he focuses on you as he stands at the bottom of the bed makes you feel like one of Feyd’s opponents in the arena. The thought sends warmth between your legs.

He takes off his own robe leaving him in only his underwear before he starts to crawl on the bed, trailing a hand up one of your ankles up to your thigh, until he’s hovering above you. Your breathing is shallow and your heart races in anticipation for what’s to come. The only other person you've had sex with was one of your close friends back on your home planet, and you enjoyed it, but that friend wasn’t Feyd. He wasn’t a murderous maniac known for his sexual relations like Feyd was. Another wave of electricity passes through your body.

Feyd dips his head down and starts placing kisses on your neck from your ear to your collarbone,  making a low whine escape your lips. All the while, the hand gripping your thigh inches farther north until it reaches your panties and begins to touch you through them. It doesn’t take too long for a wet spot to appear on the fabric, and it’s obvious that Feyd notices too, seeing as how you can feel a smirk form on his lips. You squeeze your legs together wanting more from him, but Feyd pushes your legs back open and bites the skin on your neck.

You draw in a breath as he whispers into your ear, “be patient.” His voice may be light, but you can hear the firmness behind it.

He moves his face away from your neck and takes his time as he moves his body lower and lower until his face is between your thighs. He pulls your underwear down your legs before tossing them to the side, and helps you dispose of your nightgown revealing your bare body to him. You start to wish that your bedroom lights were off as you look down to see Feyd’s dark eyes taking all of you in.

A smile spreads across his face once he notices you shying up. “There’s no hiding from me now.”

He says nothing else and dives right into you. His movements are rough yet gentle as he eats you out, resembling hunger. The way he flicks his tongue over you like a snake has your back arching while you let out a consistent string of moans. You tightly grab hold of the blanket beneath you with both hands as you move your hips into his mouth. You can’t help but roll your eyes from the speed of his tongue.

Feyd places one hand onto your stomach before moving it up to one of your breasts to grab hold of, while his other hand joins his lips between your thighs. He wastes no time slipping a finger into you as he moves his mouth up to suck harshly on your clit.

“Oh my god,” you say breathlessly. One of your hands lets go of the blanket to join Feyd’s on your breast.

The finger inside of you pumps into you at a measured pace before gradually getting faster. He decides to add another finger without letting up on his speed. You can tell that him pleasuring you gives him satisfaction, noticing the fact that he’s in his own world. Naturally, your body starts to move away from his mouth and your legs start to close as the pleasure becomes more intense.

Feyd releases his hold on your clit and lifts up his head to make eye contact with you. “I need you to stay still,” he tells you in more of a warning tone and pulls you back to his mouth before continuing, not waiting for you to answer.

Once you feel your orgasm nearing your moans get louder as they turn into whines. Feyd notices the way you become shaky and how you start writing around more so he moves his mouth away and pulls his fingers out of you. Your mouth falls open as you look down at him, the warmth previously building up in your stomach slowly starting to fade away. You’re about to say something when he looks into your eyes and shushes you.

He then moves his hand on your breast and places it on your stomach, gently adding pressure. You’re confused and you expect him to say something, but he doesn’t. 

Then suddenly you feel his fingers start to move inside you again, except this time at a different pace. He begins to quickly pump his fingers in and out of you, causing you to throw your head back as your back lifts off the bed. You feel yourself getting close to tumbling over the edge again, although this time it feels different. It’s unlike all the other times you have brought yourself to an orgasm.

Right as your orgasm hits you, you feel a gush of liquid squirt out of you. You cum with a loud cry, forgetting the fact that the doors to your balcony are still wide open. When the thought pops into your mind you don’t even care about anyone being able to hear you.

Feyd stops when you move your hands down to try and push him away. He looks down at his chest to see the mess you created and lets out a low laugh. As your body starts to relax, you look down to see Feyd standing at the bottom of the bed pulling down his underwear to reveal his hard length to you.

“Don’t worry, I’m not done with you yet,” he tells you as he positions himself between your legs.

He rubs the tip of his length up and down your slit spreading your arousal around. You let out a whine at his teasing and he says, “ready for another one, are we?”

He doesn’t stop right away, but when he finally glides into your soaked opening it pulls a moan out of both of you. He places his arms on either side of your head and leans down to connect his lips to yours. The kiss is rough and sloppy, and you tightly wrap your arms around his waist pulling him closer to you. You don’t even care if you seem desperate anymore.

You’re still sensitive from your previous orgasm, but Feyd doesn’t care as he ruthlessly pounds into you. Once he finds the spot inside of you that makes you gasp, he makes a mental note of it as he repeatedly thrusts into it.

It doesn’t take long for your next orgasm to build up, releasing it with a silent cry as you unintentionally dig your fingers into Feyd’s back causing him to groan in your ear in pleasure. He keeps his thrusts consistent as you begin to leak around his cock and onto the blanket beneath you. There’s no doubt you’ll have to change the bedding later. 

With another smirk he firmly grips your jaw and says, “I hope you can take a few more, my darling.”

[melinoe-dearest09]

Helooo there, i would like to request a batfam x batsis fic in which she is the most recent addition to the family, and all of them are trying really hard to get her to warm up to them( having a game nights, going shopping, going to the arcade ex...) on one of these outings, they are stormed by the paparazzi, which in turn overwhelms her, and she gets a panic attack, then cue the protective big brothers who help her through it.

That's as far as I've thought on this. I hope it makes sense to you. ( You can change some of the details if you'd like) Have a nice day / night.

Of course! I didn't know how old you wanted her but I made her younger than Damian. (Damian is 14 here) Thanks for the request <3

The brothers always tried when they got a new sibling. They knew how hard it was to adjust to the Wayne style of life. But usually it didn't take very long. You were a special case.

Your bio parents were part of the nobility of Gotham. They went to all the parties and did all the rich people things. You didn't. In fact no one knew who you were until your parents died. They kept you locked up in your room and never really let you out of the house.

When your parents died (car crash) police went to the house to inform the staff. Instead they were met with a young girl who looked very malnourished and abused. The police took all normal steps after that. Taking you to the hospital and then trying to put you into foster care. Of course the news found out and plastered it everywhere. "Tragic death of the L/N result in finding of secret Daughter". Of course the news station was missing some of the important information like you wellbeing but this was enough to catch Bruce's eye. After he found out how you where treated though? The adoption papers where already signed. You were now a Wayne.

As of now you had been at the Manor for a month. The boys were trying really hard to get you to warm up to them. Dick had taken you shopping multiple times, Tim tried helping you with your school work (especially since you hadn't ever gone to school), and Jason took you to the Arcade. Even Damian was trying! He would try to get you to paint with him or go out with him and Jon. But you weren't responding to any of them. You mostly stayed in your room or stuck around Alfred. Heck you hadn't even said a word to them. They were starting to get desperate.

"Damian" Bruce called. "Can you got get Y/n from her room. Dick is taking all of you shopping for the upcoming gala."

Damian rolled his eyes at the mention of the gala but complied "Yes father."

When you were all ready you headed out. Dick thought it would be a good idea to shop for the gala then go catch lunch or see a movie.

"I'm not even gonna show up to this stupid thing anyway. So the hell do I have to be here?" Jason complained.

"We hare having sibling bonding time. And this is going to be Y/n's first gala! So we all have to make sure she looks super pretty! Like a little princess!" Dick said happily.

At the mention, Jason looked over to you nervously "You sure it's a good idea for the kid to go to a gala? She hasn't even talked to us. How's she gonna talk to other people?" He asked. He looked back over to were you stood. Tim was on one side trying to talk to you while Damian stood on the other looking at suits. You were just staring at Tim and occasionally nodding. "See. She's not even talkin to Tim and he spends the most time with her. Not to mention the brat is closer in age to her and she hasn't said a word to him either." Jason pointed out.

Dick decided to ignore this "What about this Suit."

"Too Flashy disco Dave. But seriously-"

"Jason she be fiiine." Dick says quickly. Jason didn't believe thus for one second but he was tired of arguing with Dick. So he let it rest.

Later after they had all found a suitable outfit you all went to grab lunch. "Y/n is there any place you want to go to?" Tim asks. You shrug. All the boys sigh hoping you would answer.

"Brothers. We might have a slight problem." Damian says. They look to where he is pointing and all think the same thing. 'Shit'. Paparazzi start to flood them from all sides. They all start yelling questions and taking pictures. They boys try and move around you so you aren't seen but it's to late. Suddenly you are pulled from the boys and the crowd closes in on you. The question become louder the, flashes from cameras brighter, and you stand there in the middle helpless. You've never experienced this before and very fast it becomes too much. You feel you chest become tighter and your breathing become faster but it feels like you aren't getting any air in your lungs.

They boys are frantically trying to get through the crowd but they are also getting bombarded with questions. Finally Damian breaks through to you and sees you staring at the ground clutching your chest. "Y/n..." he slowly approaches you lowering his voice. You look up at him tears filling your eyes as you gasp for air. "Hey hey hey it's okay don't worry I'm here. The others are coming...it's okay." He turns to look for the others and sees Jason break through the crowd. He takes one look at you and starts trying to clear a path. The others see this and try to help. Damian scoops you up and starts to carry you through this makeshift path. Then quickly runs for the nearest store. He sets you down then starts to calm you down.

"Hey Y/n look at me...follow my breathing okay...in....and out...in....and out" Damian says calmly. You listen to what he says and start to calm down. The other boys come in and stand around making sure no one can see you. When you start to breath normally again Jason asks "You feelin better kid?" You look up at him "Y-yeah..." They look shocked for a second then smile. "That's good little sis." Jason responds. Tim moves to your other side. "How about we go home? Alfred can make us some food? That okay?" You nod "Can he make mac n cheese?"

"Yeah sis. You can have mac n cheese."

[respectthepetty]

seems like non has to have survived somehow because why are they seeing the masked figure with a crutch? and why did the masked figure grope tee? keng seems legit dead and sold for organs so who else could it be if not non?

Anon, I've stated this multiple times before but telenovelas and Romeo & Juliet have taught me it ain't over until it's over. I have thought that Tan was going to fake his death with the inhaler, and knowing he has been experimenting with drugs made me more excited for the possibility. But now, I'm staring at a dead body that I don't want to believe is dead, and Shakespeare's Juliet, Pit Babe's Charlie, and Sammon's Tan and Bun are looking me right in the face saying "the best way to get someone out is by killing them!"

DO YOU SEE THE VISION?!

Yes, the guys are hallucinating. Yes, the smoke is causing it. But why do they keep seeing crutches?! That's odd!

Phi and Jin heard a car starting when they were at the temple, yet everyone was accounted for, so SOMEONE ELSE IS OUT THERE!

We still have that missing second driver who knows his way around the woods at night and who got held up by the tree in the way but was that a lie?!

The axe just conveniently laying in the temple is strange.

The trees being cut up differently when Jin and Phi were roaming around the woods is weird.

Phi assumed Tan did several of these things, but we know Tan couldn't have done everything Phi accused him of.

And why would we see Perth take this call?

Nothing in this show has been unimportant. Everything we have seen has a reason, so to waste precious time on Perth telling Tee he was leaving after taking this call has to mean something, right? Was it just to show us how much Perth cares about his off-time, so when he stays an extra hour for Tee, it's meaningful?

NO!

The uncle died under mysterious circumstances, and even though I don't need to know how, it's still important that the death wasn't natural.

Because the plot is plotting and someone else is out there killing these people!

And I want it to be Non!

I know believing Non is still alive is a stretch, but even if it isn't Non, someone else is out there, and we've already met all the players, so it's someone we know. There are only so many players left on the board, so who is that hidden character?

Keng is dead. Amen.

As much as I totally and completely ship Fluke x Tan (shut up! leave me alone! it makes sense in my head), I know the doctor isn't helping the biochemist with this.

So if Non really is dead, that leaves White or Perth, and neither one of them would need crutches, and White seems to be having his own little crisis in the finale. The only person who would need crutches is the person who was already limping!

NON IS ALIVE!

He was limping from exhaustion and getting beat for over two weeks, so it would only take a little belladonna in his system for him to die or at least appear to die.

I've always believed there were two killers since the first episode, and I thought they were Tan and Phi, but Phi has ethics or whatever bullshit high horse he is on, yet that doesn't change my mind - There are two killers!

So, once again, Non is either alive or Tan is really the A+ student he has proven to be and got another partner.

LET'S GO, FINALE!

[lieslab]

Cover me

꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎ ꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎

Pairing: og8 X gn reader

Genre: Comfort/hurt

Word Count: 7.3K

A/N: Major trigger warning because this was a request where SKZ finds out you were sexually assaulted. This is another one of the darkest drabbles I've made so far. Eight different scenarios and multiple trigger warnings are posted before the drabbles like usual.

If you've been through any of this, I am so sorry and it is most certainly not your fault. Please don't blame yourself for the actions of others. To the lovely person who requested this, I hope this can help, at least, a little piece of you <3

_ _ _

Chan:

TW: Sexual assault at work, workplace verbal harassment and assault, heavily implied rape, blood, depression, and self-hatred.

Despite the warning signs, despite how uncomfortable it made you, you didn’t realize it was ever going to go that far. The latest co-worker that your job had just hired. You didn’t think anything of it when you smiled the first time you met him. 

It started with you smiling at him and then him cracking jokes around you. It was all innocent until it wasn’t. One day his hands found your shoulders. You remember how warm they were as he dug his fingers into your flesh. You politely shrugged him off and went about your day. 

After that, it went further. Little things he did here and there that made you uncomfortable, but you refused to speak up because you didn’t want to be told you were being dramatic. You didn’t want to risk escalating the situation. 

He started hanging around your work area more. He waited for you by your car just so he could speak to you before you left. He was always standing too close for comfort. Even if you took another step back, he took another forward. 

Further and further you shrank into yourself. Every time you made yourself smaller, it was a victory in his eyes. Always in your space, hands on your shoulders, he ran his fingers through your hair. Even though you already explained you had a boyfriend, he didn’t respect that, he took it as a challenge. 

The casual comments about liking your accessories and outfits continued until they became verbal harassment. Your eyes went to the floor and shame filled your body when he talked about how well you filled out your jeans, how much he would please you, how much he’d make you happy. 

You changed your shifts to get away and you thought that was enough. It was for a few weeks. It was until he changed shifts too and suddenly you were in the break room defenseless and alone and when you turned around, there he was looking at you like a piece of meat. 

A piece of you died in that break room as you were cornered and taken advantage of. You couldn’t scream due to the shock. Your brain disassociated trying to save you from the heart-shattering reality of what was happening. 

When you came home that night bleeding, you couldn’t look your boyfriend in the eyes. You showered and slipped into your pajamas and pretended like it never happened. You slept all night, you slept for half the day until you awoke and remembered what happened all over again. 

Three days later, you locked yourself in the bathroom and called into work sick once more. You explained that you were down with the flu and it was bad. You rarely missed work unless you were sick, your boss understood and wished you well. 

When you came out of the bathroom, Chan stood with his arms crossed. You attempted to swallow the lump in your throat. It was his day off and he had been sleeping, but he must have woken up when you got out of bed to call into work. 

“Baby, what’s going on? You’re not sick with the flu, but you’ve been down for the past few days.” He walked towards you and gently cupped your cheeks in his hands. 

He had always been like this with you. So gentle and so soft. He never dug into your delicate skin and left bruises. He didn’t take advantage of you when you were alone. He didn’t jerk your body in uncomfortable positions. He didn’t degrade you to the point of tears. Most importantly, he didn’t make you hate yourself. 

You didn’t hate yourself until now. All that time you spent bettering yourself and working on your self-confidence was shattered. It had only been three days, but you couldn’t even imagine how it could get better from here. Your eyes stung and you blinked rapidly trying to hold back the tears. 

“Did something happen at work?” 

That was enough to make your knees collapse. Your throat closed up as Chan rushed to catch you. He managed to catch you by your waist and pulled you towards him. Your arms wrapped around him tightly. You promised yourself you weren’t going to make a big deal out of it, but it was killing you. 

This thing, this secret, it was rotting you from the inside out. You didn’t want everyone to know. You didn’t want their pity and their doleful looks. You didn’t want to deal with the fall out of it all. You’d have to explain over and over and over, but you had to get it out. 

So you blubbered through your tears and sniffled through a snotty nose. Chan’s face fell, but he listened to everything you had to say. His arms tightened around you to pull you closer to him. You clutched onto him like he was the only thing that could keep you afloat through all of this. 

“I-I don’t want to go back,” you admitted through tears. “I can���t deal with him again. What if it happens again?” 

“It’s not going to happen again because I won’t let it. You don’t have to go back there.” He wiped away your tears. “Let’s take this one step at a time, alright?” 

You nodded and choked back another sob. 

“Let’s get some food in your system and we’ll go from there. You don’t have to think about the future right now. Just focus on me. Let me take care of you.” 

You let your head fall into his chest. He placed his chin onto your head. A quiet “thank you” fell from your lips. A sigh left your body and you began to relax. 

“Just rest now, I’ve got you.”

_ _ _

Lee Know:

TW: Sexual assault by a parent and self-hatred.

“Do you really love me?” 

Minho’s question caught you off guard. You scrunched up your eyebrows in confusion and turned to look at him. “Is that a joke question? Of course, I love you. Why wouldn’t I? I am dating you, aren’t I?” 

“You won’t meet my parents.” He glanced up from his chair at the bar counter. “Why else won’t you meet them? I’ve asked you like three times if you’ll come with me to meet them and you keep turning down my offer. What am I supposed to think?” 

You tightened your grip on the wooden spoon in your hand. You knew this was coming, but you weren’t expecting it to be today. Your fingers went pale and your heart beat began to pick up. 

You heard it hammering in your ears. The soft pitter-patter had turned into a Friday night football drumline; booming and pounding so loud that it blocked out everything else. You kept your eyes down at the pitcher of lemonade you were making. 

“If you don’t want to be with me anymore, you can tell me. It’ll hurt, but being with me when you don’t want to is only going to hurt each of us more. I can g-” 

“It’s not that,” you finally found your voice. “It’s not that at all. It’s a complicated situation and it’s a lot.” 

“Why don’t you explain it to me then? I’m sure I’ll understand.” Minho set his elbow down on the table and placed his chin in his palm. His boba eyes studied your face. 

You poured another cup of sugar into the pitcher. You kept this buried deep inside of you and rarely told anyone. It was too embarrassing, too shameful, too humiliating. It made you feel sick and unloveable. Thinking about it now caused your stomach to tangle into knots.

“I’m sure your parents are lovely people. You talk about how much you love them. You talk about how much, specifically your mom, takes care of your cats when you’re away. Your parents sound amazing. I’m sure you had incidents with them occasionally, but for the most part, you have a good relationship with them.”  

“And?” 

“My parents were nothing like yours. You talk about how much you appreciate your parents. How loving they treat your cats. How happy they are to support you in your career and all your dreams. Your parents are what parents should be.” 

“I had a parent,” you sucked in a deep breath, “that did things to me that I can never forget. Your parents would never dare do anything like that to me. I know they wouldn’t because I trust you and you trust them. However, I can’t help, but worry that it’ll happen.” 

He pushed himself up and walked towards you. His hand found yours and he gently squeezed it. “My parents aren’t going to yell at you if that’s what you’re worried about.” 

“That’s no-” 

“They wouldn’t hurt a fly, let alone you.” His other hand cupped the side of your face. Your cheeks went red and he brushed a light thumb against the apple of your cheek. “Do you want to talk about what happened?” 

You shrugged. Part of you wanted to, but another part wanted it to remain hidden. It was an internal battle that battered back and forth. He gave you a reassuring smile and wrapped his arms around your waist. 

“Minho?” You finally got out. 

“Hmm?” 

“One of my p-parents,” your voice wobbled, “they sexually assaulted me when I was a child. I didn’t know until I was older, but I…” You trailed off. 

He tugged you into his arms. A hand found your back and he began to rub your back. “I had no idea, so I’m sorry.” 

“No,” you shook your head, “I should be the one apologizing. Your parents want to meet me and I-” 

“Shh.” 

You shut your eyes and went quiet. 

“Don’t apologize. I’ll tell them you’re working through some personal stuff and they’ll understand. You don’t have to meet them until you're ready. You can take all the time you need, alright? Don’t worry about meeting them right now.” 

“Thank you.” 

He bent down and kissed the top of your head. His other hand continued rubbing your back. You kept listening to the thrum of his heartbeat. It was the only thing that kept you from breaking down completely.

_ _ _

Changbin:

TW: Mentions of sexual assault by a female friend, underage drinking, blacking out, and paranoia around women.

“I can’t believe you bought so many clothes,” you teased and jabbed a light elbow into Changbin’s side. 

“They’re not just clothes! They’re athletic wear and they’re all my size. Imagine how good those compression shirts are going to make me look when I lift in them. They’re going to make me look hot.” 

“You already look hot.” 

“They’ll show off my muscles and I’ll look even hotter.” 

The two of you were side-by-side in a mall heading towards the exit. Changbin wanted to do some shopping and you offered to tag along. The two of you went from store to store until Changbin finally found the shirts he wanted. 

“We probably could have started in the sporting store to begin with.” 

“Yeah, but what fun is that? We wouldn’t have been able to look at everything.” He reached down and locked a hand around yours. “It was nice to look around and get some steps in.” 

The two of you continued talking until you were near the exit. A large group of teenage girls were streaming inside laughing with each other. One of them was widely gesturing and screwing around. 

You stopped in your tracks which caused Changbin to pause too. He glanced back over his shoulder at you. “Are you okay?” A frown sat on his face. 

You nodded your head. “Yeah, yeah, I just-”  You dropped his hand and walked behind him, so you were on the other side. He shifted his bags into the other hand. Your hand went back into his. “That’s better.” 

He playfully rolled his eyes and chuckled. “You’re scared of a bunch of teenage girls? That seems a little silly.”  

You shrugged not wanting to talk about it. They walked past the two of you not even batting an eye. He tugged you outside and continued to talk about his most recent purchases. 

When you two got to his car, you opened up the passenger door and climbed inside. You buckled and stayed quiet. Your gaze went out the window and it stayed there while the two of you headed home. The ride was silent and uncomfortable after a while. 

Changbin shifted in his seat and sighed. “Are you mad at me because I teased you in the mall? I was just screwing around. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.” 

“It’s whatever,” you mumbled.  

“Can you, at least, tell me why you have a thing against women? Whenever we’re somewhere and you see a few, you kinda freak out. Do you hate them or something?” 

Your fingernails dug into the skin of your thighs. You shut your eyes before you sucked in a deep breath and spoke. “I guess I’m a victim of the past. I know I should get over it because it’s been a while, but it still haunts me.” 

Changbin frowned and kept his eyes on the road. “What do you mean? Did something happen?” 

“I don’t want to ruin the mood. It’s not a big deal.” You pushed your forehead up against the cool glass of the passenger window. “It’s just one of the reasons why I am the way I am,” you shrugged. 

“Okay, now you have to tell me.” 

You remained quiet for a while before you pulled back. Your head rested against the back of the leather seat. Your eyes shut for a few moments until you spoke. 

“Back when I was in high school, I was friends with a girl. The two of us were close and we had a good friendship. I mean, at least, I thought we did until we went to a party together and I got drunk.” 

Changbin stayed silent listening to the story. 

“It was high school and stupid. We were underage and had alcohol as minors. It was the first time I drank and I trusted her because I was with her. She was barely drinking, but I was drinking a lot. I ended up getting so drunk, I blacked out.” 

“Oh?” 

“When I woke up, I woke up to her sexually assaulting me.” 

“Oh,” Changbin’s face fell. 

“I know I shouldn’t think every woman I come across is going to hurt me, but it haunts me. It’s stupid, I know, but I-” 

“It’s not stupid. Someone you trusted took advantage of you. If guys assault people and women become scared of them, the opposite can happen too. Just because it was a woman, it doesn’t mean you can’t be nervous around them.” 

You slowly nodded and reopened your eyes. Your hands folded over each other on your lap. You swallowed the lump in your throat and glanced back outside. The scenery was a great distraction for your sudden confession. 

“I’m sorry I teased you in the mall. I just thought you were afraid of teenagers. I didn’t know you had a valid reason for it. It won’t happen again.” 

“It’s alright, I should learn to get over it anyway.” 

“What you went through was rough. That’s not something you can just forget about.” He leaned an opened hand towards you. You let your hand fall into his and wrapped your fingers around his. “Healing can be a challenging thing.” 

“Thank you for not making fun of me after speaking about it.” 

“Now why would I do that? Has that happened before?” His eyebrows pinched together. “What a bunch of assholes. We’re going to get ice cream and it’s my treat. No meanies allowed.”

_ _ _

Hyunjin:

TW: Sexual assault by a teacher, sexual grooming, self-hatred, and paranoia around teachers/academic professors.

Hyunjin leaned over the back of the couch staring at you. His head rested on his folded arms. You rambled about the job you hated once again. Once you graduated high school, you opted not to go to college. So far, you hadn't found anything you liked. 

Customer service made you want to gouge out your eyes. If one more person was snarky to you, you were considering punching them or quitting. Maybe even both at this point. You were fed up with being disrespected. 

Hyunjin listened quietly to your ramble until you finished with a sigh. He perked his head up and stared at you. “You do know what I’m going to tell you, right?” 

“Don’t say it,” you mumbled. 

“Why don’t you go to college? You have so many interests and you’d be good at any of them. You could take out loans, yeah, but you could also apply for scholarships.” He flopped himself over the back of the couch. “You’re intelligent and talented, you could make it.” 

You groaned and put your head in your hands. “I’ve already told you I don’t want to do that,” you grumbled. 

“You’re right, but you’ve never explained why exactly. Seriously, why don’t you want to go? You were good in school and you always like to be challenged. Are you worried you won’t be good at it? I know you’re competitive, but you don’t have to be the best in the class.” 

“Because I just don’t!” You snapped, feeling defensive and annoyed. “Stop trying to peer pressure me into doing something I don’t want to do!” 

“But why don’t you? You could have a career in a field you love and I-” 

“Because I don’t want to be groomed by a teacher again!” You spat. His eyes widened and you instantly slammed a hand over your mouth. The two of you stared at each other before you pulled your hand away. “Pretend I didn’t say that.” 

He shoved himself up. “You can’t just say that and not explain. What happened when you were younger? Were you really groomed?” 

“It was a long time ago,” you weakly got out. “It was high school and I was so naive. He was older and attractive and I liked that attention. I really thought he cared about me.” 

“How long did this go on for?” 

“About a year and a half until a student snitched because they caught us being intimate in the classroom.” Shame filled you and you dropped your head. “It was humiliating to live through that. The news spread like wildfire and everyone found out. The teachers, the students, the parents, and even surrounding schools.” 

Hyunjin frowned. 

“I don’t want to go through it again,” you managed to get out. “It was shameful and humiliating. It was the worst time period of my life. My parents forced me to testify against him in court and-” Tears filled your eyes. “I used to think I really loved him until I got older and realized what was happening.” 

 “And now you’re worried it’ll happen again if you go to college?” 

You weakly nodded your head and sniffled. Using the back of your hand, you wiped snot from your nose. Hyunjin got up and walked over to you. Ignoring your waterworks and snot, he wrapped his arms around you. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.” 

“I want to go to college, but the idea makes me nervous. I know I’d be good at it. I know I could make it work out. I just don’t want to be groomed again.” 

“Have you ever considered online college? You’d have professors, but it’d be online. You wouldn’t have to deal with seeing them in person.” 

“I guess I haven’t really thought about that option.” 

“If you want to look into it more, I’ll help you. Try not to peer pressure yourself too much.” He leaned forward and planted a kiss on your forehead. “Take all the time you need. I’ll always be here if you need to talk more.” 

_ _ _

Han:

TW: Child-on-child sexual assault by a female cousin, child pornography, grief, and resentment.

“And I tried to tell him that he looked like an idiot, but I-” Han leaned forward and waved his hand in front of your face. “Hey, are you listening to me?” 

You pulled your eyes from the two younger kids across the way. The two of them were playing in the interior playground built into the fast food place. You forced your eyes to go back to Han. “I’m sorry, what were you saying?” 

“I was trying to say that Changbin was lo-” 

You zoned out again. Your eyes went back over to the two kids. They looked happy chasing each other around the colorful tubes. One scrambled and dived into the inside of the tube. The other rushed after them. Their giggles were loud and reached your table. 

Realizing you weren’t paying attention again, Han glanced over his shoulder to see what you were looking at. Their parents were talking and sitting down at a table nearby, so they could keep an eye on them. 

“Do you know them?” Han asked. His eyes went to your face again. 

You shook your head and forced your eyes back to the table. You picked up a french fry and put it into your mouth. The fries, you previously had been enjoying, now made your stomach churn. You forced yourself to swallow it and took a sip of your drink. 

Han glanced back over his shoulder before he looked at you with a frown. “What was that about? Are you sure you don’t know them? You look almost sad.” 

“I just miss childhood, I guess.” 

Your reasoning was pathetic and Han wasn’t sure he believed you. He closed the lid on his burger box. “Do you want to get out of here?” 

You nodded and stood up. Your food was only half eaten, but the idea of consuming anymore of it made you nauseous. The two of you cleaned up your stuff and placed it back into the bag it came in. Han rolled it down and carried it. He let you lead the way out of the building. 

The salty fries and grease from hamburgers was replaced with fresh air. You sucked in a mouthful and closed your eyes. The sun was setting and Han slipped his hand in yours. He tugged you across the parking lot and back towards your apartment. 

The two of you were quiet on the sidewalk until Han spoke up again. “Are you sure you don’t want to talk about whatever that was? It looked like it really upset you. You don’t have to hide anything from me.” 

“I know.” 

He stayed quiet and continued walking with you. His hand sent a reassuring squeeze to yours. You stayed quiet for a while until you broke the silence. “Do you ever feel guilty for things that happened during childhood?” 

“Like for things I did when I was a kid? Sure. I had an older brother, so I did a fair amount of stealing and pissing off my parents.” He shrugged and chuckled. “That’s just how some kids are, I suppose.” 

“Not like that.” 

“What do you mean?” 

You glanced around making sure the two of you were alone. Once the coast was clear, you spoke again. “I lied when I told you I never had a cousin.” 

“You…you lied about your cousin?” 

“It’s a sensitive topic. She’s a few years older than me and she meant everything to me when I was a kid. She was like the older sister that I never had. She was everything I wanted to be.” 

Han listened in silence. 

“There was a day when everything went wrong. She was babysitting me like she did before. My parents paid her to babysit me and she wanted to play a game that involved us taking our clothes off.” 

He frowned, “oh no.” 

“If you have an idea of where you think this is going, you’re correct. Things escalated to touching and then she took photos. We were both minors at the time, but…” You trailed off. “I’ve been to a therapist before. She says that qualifies as sexual assault, but my cousin was just a kid too.” 

“Did this go on for a while?” 

“Months until her parents found the photos she took of me on her phone. I don’t really know what happened after that. She stopped coming over and her parents moved away. We’re still related, but neither one of us has ever reached out to each other.” 

“That sounds awful. I’m sorry that happened to you.” He squeezed your hand once more. “So when you were looking at those kids…” 

“They reminded me of my cousin and I before things went wrong. We were happy and we also played our fair share of tag. Sorry for ruining our dinner together. I wasn’t trying to destroy the mood.” 

“You didn’t ruin anything.” 

“Han?” Your voice wavered a little. 

“Hmm?” 

“Is it wrong to still be angry?” Your words came out in a whisper. “Is it wrong to hate her even though we were both kids? Is it wrong to be upset years later?” 

“It’ll never be wrong.” He paused, let go of your hand, and turned to face you. “You went through something really difficult with someone you trusted. It seems like there’s a lot of hurt still trapped inside and it’s a tender subject.” 

“I think she was a victim too.” Tears filled your eyes. “I think she learned it from somewhere. I think someone was doing it to her. I should have spoken up and helped her sooner.” 

“But you were just a kid too. You didn’t know. Even if that did happen and you think that now, you don’t know for sure. That doesn’t take away from what happened to you. You still went through something life-changing and heart breaking. You deserve to be able to grieve too.” 

In the middle of the sidewalk, grief washed over you. In the middle of sweetened cherry blossom trees and the whiff of burger grease. Grief punched you in the gut and squeezed your heart. 

The guilt for not speaking up. The anger for being hurt to begin with. The sadness for the innocence loss. The betrayal of being hurt by someone, a family member, you looked up to. 

Han leaned forward and wrapped his arms around you. He squeezed the bag of food tighter in his hand. “I’m so sorry.” He stayed there for quite a while just holding you and letting you sit with all your emotions. 

“Thank you,” you mumbled with watery eyes as you pulled away. 

He slipped his hand back into yours. “Let’s go home and find something to do. While we’re heading there, let me tell you about this ugly jacket that Changbin bought the other day.” 

Felix:

TW: Sexual assault by a stranger, social anxiety, and paranoia.

Social anxiety was hard. Outside in public, people were minding their own business. In reality, everyone was too caught up in their own worlds to focus on you. However, your brain was sure everyone was against you. Whenever someone glanced your way, you were convinced they were judging you and planning your demise. Every laugh that people shared, they were laughing at you. 

It was a difficult thing to live with, but ever since you got to know Felix, you were prepared to try and battle it. He lived his life courageously. He wasn’t afraid to venture out into the world and ask questions. He didn’t have a fear like you did. 

So when you decided to get groceries alone on a Saturday morning and reject his help, he was shocked, but he believed in you. He woke up early and was sure to text you a motivational message. He stayed glued to his phone just in case you needed him. 

You were nervous walking into the store. Every little thing had you on edge, but you were determined to do this. Exposure therapy was apparently a helpful way to help with anxiety. The more you did it, the more comfortable and relaxed you’d become with it. 

You paid close attention to your list and made sure to double, even triple, check the list to make sure you had the right items. You marked everything off and made your ways through the aisles. It was still pretty early and the store was a lot less crowded than usual. 

You were just starting to relax after passing a few customers. You held your breath each time worried that they’d say something demeaning or rude, but they never did. You were finally starting to make real progress until you felt someone’s eyes on your back. 

The hair on the back of your neck pricked up. You rounded the next aisle, glanced over your shoulder, and discovered a man standing a few feet back. His eyes were directly on yours. You ignored him and ventured on trying not to worry. 

The further you moved, the closer he got. Closer and closer and closer. You shifted yourself. You pulled out your phone and hoped he’d go away. You lingered in the pasta section hoping he’d lose interest, but he stayed there observing. 

You were almost finished when you felt something touch your back. You stiffened with your hands curling around the cart handle until your fingers went white. The unwanted hand drifted down your lower back and continued straight down. 

You didn’t know what to say. Your brain short-circuited and you panicked. The man laughed and you felt his breath on your neck. You suddenly took off as fear shot through you. You left the cart, clutched your list, and ran as fast as you could to the restrooms. 

Too afraid he’d follow you, you slipped into the disabled restroom and pulled out your phone. Tears filled your eyes and, after making sure the door was locked, you backed up. You found Felix’s number and pressed the call button. 

Felix picked up on the third ring. Before he could get out a proper greeting, he was met with the sound of your sob. You begged him to come quickly because you were scared. He tried to calm you down as best as he could. 

He didn’t understand what was fully happening. You couldn’t explain much through your cries. You felt disgusting knowing that you had just been groped by a stranger. All you wanted to do was get your groceries and go home. 

It took a total of fifteen minutes before Felix finally announced he was outside the bathroom. You pulled the door open and he stared at you with a concerned face. You launched yourself at him and wrapped your arms around his waist. 

“What happened?” He questioned as he put his phone away. 

“S-Some guy, h-he just-” You hiccuped. Your throat constricted and you struggled to explain. 

Instantly, he was pissed after your blubbering explanation. He stayed directly by your side as he helped you report the man to the manager. Once another employee located the man, the police were called. The cameras matched what you reported. 

Felix refused to leave your side and didn’t let go of your hand once. He was sure to reassure you that it wasn’t your fault and you did the right thing by reporting it. It made you feel awful, but you were glad he was arrested for his actions. 

“And if you need me,” Felix continued once more, “call me.” 

“But what if you’re on tour in another country?” 

“I’m Australian. Do you really think an ocean will stop me? I’ve practically been training since birth. Doesn’t matter,” he shrugged, “I’ll swim across it.” 

Despite your messy state, you chuckled and sniffled. You wiped the remaining tears off your cheeks. “I don’t think you understand how big oceans are.” 

“Doesn’t matter, I’ll do anything for you.” 

_ _ _

Seungmin:

TW: Sexual assault by a religious leader, religious trauma, anger, guilt, and grief.

“How hot do you think hell is?” Seungmin asked. 

“I don’t know.” 

“Do you think people attempt to steal the gold from the roads in heaven?” 

“I don’t know.” 

“Do you think heaven and hell actually exist?” 

You puckered your lips and forced yourself to keep your composure. “I don’t know. Why does it matter anyway? Whatever happens will happen. I don’t really want to consider burning for all eternity.” 

“Would you rather be reincarnated? I think that’d be fun. I want to come back as Changbin.” 

You hummed without really responding and went back to drinking your mug of coffee. You sipped the bitter drink debating if you should add more sugar or not. You licked your lips and decided to add another spoonful into the warm mug. 

“Didn’t you grow up religious?” Seungmin continued. “You grew up religious and you have no opinion on heaven or hell? What’s up with that?” 

“Do we have to keep talking about this? I’d rather not.” Your grip tightened around your mug. Religion was a sore subject when it came to you. “Why don’t we talk about something else more important?” 

Seungmin narrowed his eyes and scanned you up and down. “Something happened with you and religion, didn’t it? You’re bitter and angry about it now.” 

You slammed the mug down onto the counter. Steaming coffee sloshed over the side and drizzled onto your hand. “Of course, I’m fucking angry about it. You’d be pissed off too if your youth pastor sexually assaulted you and when people fucking found out out about it, they claimed he’d never do that because he’s a man of god.” 

“And then,” you continued angrily, “some people do believe you and you’re told to forgive him because that’s what God would want. Do you know how fucked up that is? Well, you should just pray and spend some time with God,” you mocked in a high pitched voice. 

“I was a teenager! My youth pastor was holding one-on-one sessions with me after church and you know what he told my mom? He told her that we were studying the bible. All he was doing was studying my goddamn body supposedly in the name of God!” 

Seungmin stared at you in shock. He knew religion was a tender subject, but he never knew why. You mentioned in passing that you were once religious. He was just asking genuine questions. Sure they were stupid, but he meant them light-heartedly. He thought it’d lead to a deeper conversation, not this. 

“I-” 

“Shut up!” You snapped. “I don’t want your pity, just fucking save it.” You stood up, stormed out of the kitchen, and walked into the bedroom. Leaving Seungmin bewildered, you slammed the door shut and threw yourself in the bed. 

You wasted no time curling the blanket over your head and cocooning beneath it. Tears flooded your eyes and you sniffled. You slung an arm across your face to wipe the salted tears away. 

Whispers of people from the past taunted you. Forgive and forget. All part of God’s big plan. That never happened. The thoughts circled, swarmed, and stung you like bees. 

As you grew up, you felt guilty about the whole thing. You were always forced to feel bad about it when it came to light. You ruined a godly man. You destroyed his reputation and when he ended up in jail, it was your fault too. 

The past constricted around your heart and squeezed. You struggled to breathe. The scabbed wound was ripped off once again and you were bleeding everywhere. Too in your head, you didn’t hear the door creak open. 

Seungmin crept inside, shut the door behind him, and whispered your name. A sob escaped your lips. He walked over, pulled the blanket off your head, and slipped into the bed beside you. His arms wrapped around your body and he tugged you close. 

You buried your head in his chest while you cried. He gently let his fingers trace invisible shapes on your back until you calmed down. It took a while and when you stopped, he began to speak. 

“Hey, I’m sorry. I didn’t know anything like that happened to you. I won’t bring anything like that up again. You didn’t deserve to have that happen to you.” 

“Do you think,” you sucked in a shaky breath, “it was really part of God’s plan? Do you think…” Your voice wobbled and you trailed off. 

“No. I don’t know what I believe, but I don’t think some higher power would want you to go through that. I don’t think it was a blessing in disguise to find some bigger meaning in life. I think it was a horrible and terrible thing that happened to you.” 

“You don’t have to believe in anything you don’t want to. Whatever religion or spiritual thing you want to believe in, you’re allowed to. I think sometimes people are assholes and everyone is responsible for their own actions at the end of the day. People love to blame the devil or God or whoever to avoid taking accountability. It’s an easy way to try and sneak out of the consequences.” 

You stayed quiet listening to him. His hand began to rub up and down on your back. His other hand played with the ends of your hair. “I think you’re a victim and I can’t even imagine how much you’ve gone through and dealt with. You’re incredibly strong an-” 

“I’m not strong,” you whimpered. “I’m pathetic and worthless. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror without still feeling sick.” 

Seungmin clutched you tighter. “You’re not pathetic and worthless. You’re beautiful and I hate that you view yourself like that. Did that dickhead get put in prison?”

You managed to nod. 

“Well, thank fuck. If I was a God, I’d strike him down with a bolt of lightning. See how he likes that and then when he’s in pain, I’d tell him it was part of God’s plan when his dick was shriveling and burnt and falling off.” 

You couldn’t stop your snort. 

“You think I’m kidding? He better watch his back. He has no idea what I’m capable of.” 

“You’re not a God,” you mumbled. 

“Oh, yeah? Where’s your proof, huh? I’ve got devoted followers that happily worship me. They sing me praises and offer me offerings. I could be a God and I could start a cult. I’d be an amazing cult leader.” 

“Oh, yeah? What’s your first order of business then?” You shifted and wiped away a few tears. 

“Pft, that’s easy. I’d make everyone start barking at Han.” 

“Why would yo-” 

“I just think it’d be funny to see him look confused and terrified as thousands of people randomly started to bark at him.” 

“You’re a menace,” you mumbled. 

“And Han’s worst nightmare. This is my revenge for the time he chucked a wallet at my head. He better think twice before crossing me again.” 

_ _ _

I.N:

TW: Sexual assault by a police officer, abuse of power, paranoia around cops, unresolved trauma, and grief.

“Oh, shit.” Jeongin mumbled as he shifted his foot and eased on the break. He hadn’t seen the cop nearby and he was going over the speed limit. 

Catching a glimpse of the cop car behind you in the side mirror, you gulped. You adjusted your eyes and placed them on the car in front of the two of you. Your fingers fiddled with each other and your anxiety began to pick up. 

Jeongin turned on his turn signal and the cop followed which only made your anxiety increase. You sucked in a shaky breath and dug your nails into your thighs. Jeongin glanced over at you and frowned. “Are you okay?” 

You nodded your head and stayed silent. He continued driving down the road. After a few more roads, the cop turned down a side street and you sucked in a deep breath. Your eyes shut and you tried to relax despite the quickened thudding of your heart. 

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Jeongin asked. “You seem really worked up. Have you ever had an incident with a cop before?” 

“Once,” you muttered and turned your attention out the window. 

“Ah, speeding ticket? That seems to be the most common thing.” 

“Something like that.” 

He paused for a moment taking in your words. “Was it not a speeding ticket?” 

“They actually thought I was a suspect they were looking for. I matched the basic description, so I was pulled over and forced to get out of my car. I was handcuffed and everything, but then…” You trailed off not finishing your sentence. “Never mind,” you shook your head. “It was a few years ago and doesn’t really matter.” 

“You can’t leave me hanging like that. What happened next? Did they actually arrest you until they figured out they fucked up or something?” 

“They had me cuffed and with an officer for a while until they called for backup. They searched my car and had my identification card. They were trying to figure out the actual suspect’s name.” 

“I bet that was awful to go through.” 

“Mmhm.” You blinked rapidly trying to not let your tears fall. If they fell, you’d have to explain everything and you didn’t want to. 

Jeongin was Jeongin. When he realized you were super quiet, he glanced over to check on you and caught you wiping away tears. “What happened?” He frowned. “Were you actually taken to jail?” 

“I don’t thi-” 

“Please, I want to know.” 

You sucked in a shaky breath. You had never told anyone what really happened. You swallowed the lump in your throat. “I don’t think you’ll believe me,” you got out weakly. “They were a cop and I’m just a regular citizen.” 

“Did they do something to you?” 

“The cop that was gripping me and making sure I wasn’t going anywhere, they groped me. I tried to get away, but they kept yelling at me and the other cops were searching my car and-” More tears spilled down your cheeks. “Sorry for crying.” 

“It’s alright, you’re allowed to cry.” He continued to drive, but kept glancing over at you. “What happened after that?” 

“They let me go with a weak apology after they realized they misidentified me. They uncuffed me and let me go home. That was the end of it.” 

“But the cop that assaulted you, h-” 

“Nobody saw it happen. If I would have spoken up about it, it would have made things worse. I was terrified that I’d end up going to jail and I just wanted to go home. I wanted to be left alone. Ever since then, I’ve hated cops.” 

“I’m so sorry.” 

“It’s not your fault. I could have spoken up, but what do you do when someone is in a position of power over you? When they have friends and they’re protected and surrounded by people,” you shrugged and let out a weak laugh. “I should just get over it. It’s not like anything is going to change. Life goes on and they keep their job.” 

“But they assaul-” 

“The world doesn’t work like that,” you shook your head. “There were no cameras in the area. The other officers weren’t paying attention. There were no witnesses, it was just them and me.” 

“I’m sorry,” he got out again. The thought of you being so vulnerable and terrified made his heart hurt. He blinked back his own tears. “That never should have happened to you.” 

“It’s whatever. It happened and it’s over.” You attempted to downplay the situation, but he could see right through you. 

“You’re allowed to grieve and be hurt. You’re allowed to be upset and angry. You can be sad too if you want to.” 

“I know.” More tears brimmed your eyes. “It’s not fair that I have to deal with all the effects and they go on with their life like nothing happened. It’s why I believe in karma. I have to believe that someday they’ll get what’s coming to them. If I don’t believe in that, it’ll destroy me.” 

After a few more moments of silence, Jeongin spoke up again. “Do you maybe want to go to an arcade and get your mind off it? I’ll pay for your stuff. We can play whack-a-mole and pretend we’re beating the shit out of the officer. I think it’d be a great way to relieve some stress.” 

“Can we get food while we’re there?” 

“Well, duh.” 

You laughed and wiped away some of your tears. “Yeah, sure. Let’s go beat up some moles.”

| ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡ | ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡ | ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡ |

Taglist: @s3ungmins

Masterlist

[maddheaven]

My Interpretation of Yandere Dick Grayson/Nightwing - also a ramble post, kinda.

It’s been awhile since I’ve found time to write something. I was gonna write a short ramble post about my version of Yandere Dick Grayson but I had work to do.

Otherwise here it is:

So most versions of Yandere Dick I’ve read of him being extremely dark and sadistic towards his darling. Personally, I think this portrayal of Yandere Dick is interesting, and a little fun to write, because you don’t have to follow his optimistic values and traits, and just go crazy with it. Over time though - and now that I finally found time to read some comics and stuff, getting my inspiration juices flowing - it kinda got old and overused for me. While I do like the take on it, there are some parts of it that I would do differently or change completely like him having a full-blown freak-out and accusing his darling of cheating, ya know, screaming, shouting, punching things and all. I also like the soft yandere version of Dick, and incorporate some parts of that as well based on the few that I've read.

So with some inspirations from headcanons, and a bit of daydreaming, here is what I came up with:

Even before his parents' death. Grayson felt this deep, subconscious need for normalcy; for some semblance of ordinary.

He grew up moving around a lot, being in a circus act and all, and therefore, never had a real home.

Dick wanted the white picket fence, he wanted the typical suburban house, and he dreamed of being married to the love of his life with a bunch of kids, and maybe, a pet or two running around.

When his parents died, the only affection he ever had was ripped away from him leaving a dark void in his heart.

Despite being adopted by Bruce, and getting acquainted in his new home, that empty spot in his chest never went away.

He went through a couple of partners, Kori and Barbara included, had a few heartbreaks, but that empty feeling stayed.

Something was missing, he wasn’t sure what it was.

He cared for his previous partners, stayed loyal to them the whole way, yet there wasn’t a ‘click.’

There are multiple ways he could’ve come across you.

Either you were a civilian he saved from danger as Nightwing, helping you out as an officer, or maybe you met during a walk out in Bludhaven or Gotham.

However he met you, there was an instant click.

There was something, something about you, that was different.

His obsession comes in waves.

First: He’s interested, and starts watching out for you - not to the point of stalking yet.

He'll try to strike up a conversation, start building some sort of friendship or acquaintance with you, anything to get to know you.

Second: Then that interest becomes intrigue, and now he’s following you wherever you go, wanting to learn more about you.

That need he felt for all of his life grows, and grows.

He can’t get you out of his head, he can’t stop thinking about you.

He could be taking on as many cases as a police officer, he could be fighting criminals in some alley.

Yet, no matter how hard he tries, his mind always wanders back to you.

It's conflicting for him; he knows he shouldn't be this obsessed with you yet.. nothing seems to get you off his mind!

But that all comes to a head, when he either sees you in danger or hanging around someone.

Then something snaps inside him.

He doesn’t like it, he doesn’t like it at all - he hates it.

Dick can’t deny his feelings anymore.

He needs to protect you.

He needs to be there for you.

He needs you.

Then comes the third wave:

He's around you more, he's taking every chance he can to spend time with you.

Sometimes, it can come off as clingy. But if you're the kind who doesn't notice subtle cues very well (like me), then he may just come off as someone who wants to be your friend.

And given his charismatic, and almost up-beat attitude, it wouldn't be surprising if you thought that.

However, there are some things with Dick that seem.. off.

He becomes eerily silent when that one friend, who you haven't seen in months, is talking to you.

Sometimes he'll tug at your wrist, force a smile whilst trying to make some excuse that you guys are in a hurry.

And as you guys get to know each other more, he gets more 'touchy.' More than what would be considered as 'friendly.'

Swinging an arm around you, resting his chin on your head, and one time, he put an arm around your waist while you guys were walking around the park.

But if there ever is a situation where someone is getting handsy with you, friendly or not, he steps in.

Hates when people touch you, but doesn't have any problem when it's only him, of course.

The man is more touch-starved than Jason.

As your relationship grows closer - or rather, he believes you and him are growing closer - then his tolerance would start to go down.

As for meeting him for the first time, Dick comes across as extroverted and friendly!

Very much a people person, so it isn’t hard to warm up to him.

If you aren’t the social type however, then he may come off as abrasive.

If he notices your slight discomfort, then he’ll ease up a bit.

He doesn’t like it if he sees you tense up or show any signs of discomfort around him - leaves a strange ache in his chest.

Though, he’ll admit, sometimes he likes to tease you because he finds some of your reactions adorable.

Dick is also patient to an extent.

If he sees that you’re avoiding him or making it obvious you aren’t interested, he’ll either eliminate all competition.

Anyone he thinks is getting in the way of him and your relationship, or would have a hand in getting anyone to avoid you.

Dick will make sure he is all you have.

If it's him, he'll either try to ‘fix’ his behavior around you or talk it out with you.

If neither works then.. well.. he'll be tempted to just take you.

With all the general stuff aside, there is one thing that I want to get into which is his temper.

Most headcanons I read are Dick having full-blown freak-outs - shouting, yelling, punching, throwing things ect.

I don't think he would do that, if anything, I think it would be much worse:

Let's say he kidnaps you and you aren't cooperating at all.

No matter what he does, all he gets is insults, profanity thrown at him, struggling - the whole shabang.

His patience isn't one to be tested, so as soon as you start acting out his demeanor changes in a snap.

His eyebrows would furrow, the usual ‘picture-perfect’ smile drops, and those shining blue eyes go cold.

His voice would drop low, he'll get real close to your face.

If you're struggling, he'll grab your wrist and squeeze it hard.

Every word he says, he not only wants you to hear, but to listen, ingrain it into your head.

The sudden shift in the air is too obvious to ignore, and that low voice is just.. too terrifying to tune out.

There’s a threatening undertone; a warning.

It’s incredibly eerie and tense.

The man is capable of anything - he was raised by Batman for god sakes! - and if he kidnapped you, god knows what the hell he’ll do to you.

To sum it up, Dick can be the most affectionate, loving boyfriend/husband you could ever have or he can be your absolute worst nightmare...

[acourtofthought]

Is Lucien's feelings for Elain more of a strong feeling of admiration or deep affection? From the small snippets of Lucien's POV and instances of longing, I don't know how deep his feelings for his mate are. I've been reading a boatload of meta about Lucien and the majority of them state that his feelings for Elain are a combination of guilt from Jesminda and a desire to be with Elain. How deep is this desire? (while Isolating it from the feelings brought about by the bond.)

I believe Lucien's feelings for Elain are something that would be difficult for us to put a label on.

I do think that he initially struggled with his guilt over Jesminda, he'd spent centuries believing she was his mate then the first time he officially met Elain he thought her the most beautiful female he'd ever seen. That would mess with anyone's head especially when he knew Elain was in love with someone else at that point. Jesminda had been loyal to him, had lost her life for him yet here he is drawn to someone who wants someone else.

But it's been nearly two years and I do think he's started to come to terms with it. I imagine Sarah will touch upon it in his book just as she had Cassian reflect on his past feelings for Mor in both his bonus and the start of SF but I don't think it's a major factor in his situation with Elain right now, especially after they all nearly died in the war.

As far as what he is feeling for Elain at this point? I'm going to use a few lines from the series I'm currently reading because I've never before seen an author who so eloquently describes a bond snapping into place for two strangers. This author does an excellent job of explaining the bond versus love and how the two characters eventually grow to have both with one another.

This is what is said of the bond snapping between them and I imagine what Lucien and Elain experienced in the Hybern scene:

"Your soul calls out. Mine answers, beloved."

At last she remembered why the Fey words seemed so familiar. She'd read them before in a slim volume of translated Fey poetry. It was the greeting a Fey man spoke to a woman when recognizing and claiming her as his true mate.

And then, in what is probably similar for Lucien when he first saw Elain in the HOW:

Sariel had joined her life with his, even knowing their souls would never follow where their hearts had led. Then she had died, and he had survived her death. Ah, gods, how he had railed against that. If Sariel had been his truemate, the mate of his soul rather than simply the mate of his heart, nothing could have chained him to life after her death.

Somehow, for some reason beyond his understanding, the gods had granted this slender Celierian girl - scarcely more than a child - the power to save the tairen and the Fey. Somehow, though he did not want it, they had granted her the power to save him.

Though the MMC uses the phrase "your soul calls out, mine answers" his thoughts make it clear he never expected to find a truemate and didn't want anyone after Sariel's death. He feels guilt in exactly the same way Lucien did with Jesminda and says he doesn't want the responsibility of the FMCs safety and happiness. Yet despite all that, despite openly admitting he doesn't want the bond he understands what the bond is and what it means and why his path forward will always be the bond.

But the FMC still has to accept the bond regardless of it instantly snapping. There are multiple threads that need to be forged between them before she fully does. At points she's disappointed because she knows how much he loved his lost lover and feels that what he feels for her cannot compare as he only just met her but his response is:

"We are talking at cross-purposes. You speak of love, while I speak of something far greater. You are my she'tani, the other half of my soul. It is a bonding so deep I could never hope to deny it, even if that was my desire. Feelings of the heart are nothing compared to that."

And this is where I think we in the fandom tend to get tripped up when talking about Lucien's feelings for Elain. Some try to box it in to what we know of love but that's the point of fated mates stories, love is not the ultimate. A mating bond is something we can't understand, that most characters can't understand until it happens to them.

In our lives we meet someone, we get to know them, we start to fall for them and then we fall in actual love. Sometimes it's long lasting and wonderful, sometimes we find that after a few years the person feels like a stranger once again but in each case they are still completely separate from us, an individual with their own goals and desires and we can only hope that the things we want from life remain the same. We only know what they are thinking when they tell us, we don't know if one day they'll decide our love is boring and they want to find someone new.

What Lucien had with Jesminda he could have with someone else. Claiming otherwise would be telling every widow that they can't find love again after their partners death.

What Elain had with Graysen she could have with someone else. She thought she had it all because she had love but she was shown the harsh reality of love in the real world, that sometimes love isn't enough and it's not lasting. That is a lesson many of us have learned.

Mating bonds though? They don't exist in the real world so when you have a character claiming "your soul calls out to mine and mine answers", it's clearly greater than love because it's not something you can find with multiple people. In fated mates stories you're lucky to find it with even one. Lucien and Elain have a link to one another that is special regardless of love, regardless of whether she accepts their bond and Lucien clearly respects that, he's treating it like the gift it is by declaring he's a mated male and has no interest in female companionship, when he did everything to ensure Elain's health and happiness. Lucien isn't focused on love when it comes to Elain, he's focused on their souls being intertwined and making sure that she has what she needs even if it doesn't include him. That is the greatest, most selfless act of all. Love is a bit surface level when you think of it because love can be fleeting whereas a soul bond is not. When you fall out of love you often stop putting the other person first. Lucien and Elain aren't in love yet but he's already putting her first, can you imagine what he'd do for her if love were to follow?

And that's where the final quote comes in, a quote that occurs in book two after the characters had been married, "My heart has followed where my soul has led." Ke vo san, I love you."

The bond came first for the MMC and FMC and with it denial and guilt because as the characters mention multiple times "no great gift comes without a price." A well written mating bond is not meant to be a freebie, something you get that you don't still have to work for. You still need to acknowledge the gift of the bond, still treat it with respect, still work towards having earned the persons time and attention. Lucien doesn't deserve Elain's attention because they share a bond, he will have earned her attention because of the respect he continually shows her. And that is how love will follow close behind. At the moment Lucien may not be in love with Elain in the way we define romantic love but he is feeling something he could never feel for another and that fact makes what he is feeling something precious.

[cirilla-fiona-riannon]

Galileo Galilei Main Story

Translations may not always capture the exact nuances or tone of the original text. Not proofread.

I spotted Galileo in the middle of the night and quietly followed him into the garden.

Unlike during the day, the moonlight pouring down made the flowers stand out in the darkness.

(There he is.)

Amid that beautiful view, Galileo knelt and gazed at the flowers.

His melancholic amethyst eyes exude a sense of vulnerability, making him seem like a different person from his usual cold self.

Feeling as though I shouldn't interrupt, I merely watched as he plucked a red flower and brought it to his lips.

(It's just like the first time we met.)

(Why is he eating the flowers? To suppress the urge to drink blood?)

But right now, he doesn't seem to possess any will.

He seemed so hollow and fragile that he might vanish if I touched him.

As I watched, he picked another flower and ate it, then looked up at the sky, making a faint sound.

The red petals that fell from his lips adorned his chest as if it were a separate world.

(I can't take my eyes off him.)

Enthralled by the scene, I suddenly heard quiet footsteps approaching.

Drake: "Curious?"

Mitsuki: "Drake."

Drake gave a light smile and turned his gaze to Galileo.

Drake: "You know, he doesn't even realize it."

Mitsuki: "Realize what?"

Drake: "He's been unconsciously trapped all these years by his dead brethren without realizing it."

Mitsuki: "Dead brethren? You mean the dhampirs?"

Unable to fully grasp the conversation, I asked again, and Drake sadly smiled.

Drake: "Beneath those red flowers lie the corpses of the dhampir."

Mitsuki: "............"

I was left speechless, unable to fathom what I just heard.

The girl running away with her father and the sickly boy lying in bed with his parents watching over him—their persecuted and deprived lives I had experienced in my dreams came back to me.

Drake: "He couldn't leave those dhampirs who died so cruelly."

Drake: "After spending some time here at this hideout, he managed to bring them here and mourn them under the beautiful flowers."

Drake: "I guess he thinks they can rest peacefully now."

Drake: "Perhaps he also wants someone to witness what he's going to do next."

(Galileo planted flowers above the corpses of the dhampir.)

Drake: "Blanc flowers are white. But why do red flowers bloom only in that place?"

Drake: "It's like those red flowers absorbed blood."

Quietly, Drake weaved the tale hidden within the voiceless flowers.

Drake: "By consuming the blood-stained flowers like that, he is etching the grievances of the dhampirs into himself."

Drake: "At least, that's how I see it."

Mitsuki: "..........."

In front of us, Galileo continued to bring the red flowers to his lips.

His figure, bathed in moonlight, appeared even more fleeting.

(Galileo had gone back in time and tried many times to save the dhampirs, but…)

(He's so consumed by sorrow that he engraves it on himself like this because he couldn't succeed.)

Mitsuki: "How long have you been with Galileo?"

Drake: "How long? Hahaha! I've already forgotten."

Drake: "He grabbed my hand when I was about to die and pulled me up from the sea. That's how we met."

Mitsuki: "So you're one of the important brethren Galileo managed to save."

Mitsuki: "I'm glad you're by Galileo's side."

Drake: "..........."

(Even if it's just one person, the life he saved matters.)

Drake: "You're a good kid, little fawn."

He shrugged and smiled.

I returned my gaze to Galileo, recalling his words.

------------Flashback-----------

Galileo: "I attempted to change the fate of my brethren using this door."

Galileo: "I tried multiple times to save the few of them born throughout history, but it always ended in failure. It's as if the world rejects them."

Galileo: "Dhampirs are destined to disappear from history."

---------Flashback Ends--------

(Galileo has been carrying the deaths of his brethren.)

Even after paying respects, he still put flowers in his mouth.

Also...

------------Flashback-----------

Galileo: "And I have a warning for you."

Galileo: "Don't ever mention that man in front of me again."

---------Flashback Ends--------

(Perhaps denying his past self stems from his grievance towards his brethren.)

But at that moment, there was also intense anger.

(Galileo might be carrying something else as well.)

As I watched him with the red flower on his lips, I felt a tightness in my chest.

After returning inside, Drake told me not to tell him what he had just said and went back to his room.

(I need to be careful not to mention that scene or the dhampirs in front of him.)

At that moment,

Galileo: "What are you doing at this hour?"

Mitsuki: "Galileo."

I turned around and saw the person in question standing before me.

His eyes, now sharp and quizzical, were completely different from the empty expression earlier.

Mitsuki: "Um, getting some water. What about you?"

Galileo: "I was just taking in the night air."

There was a slight pause in his response. It's possible he didn't remember what happened earlier.

(I wanted to heal his sorrow by knowing him and to stop his purpose, but there's nothing I can do for now.)

Unable to find the right words, I looked up at him with a melancholic feeling.

Galileo: "You sometimes stare at people like that."

Mitsuki: "Huh?"

Galileo: "It's like you're trying to see something in them."

He continued to look at me without averting his gaze.

Galileo: "Honestly, I was surprised when you came to this hideout."

Mitsuki: "Why's that?"

Galileo: "You could have trusted the vampires in the mansion, even though we set the terms."

Galileo: "You could have turned a blind eye to the truth."

(There might have been such options.)

But all that was on my mind was wanting to protect everyone in the mansion and wanting to know the real him. Even if there was an option to escape, I probably wouldn't have chosen it.

Galileo: "You said you wanted to know me even after knowing my purpose, but aren't you afraid of me?"

(I...)

What naturally came out of my lips was surprising even to me.

Mitsuki: "I'm not afraid."

Mitsuki: "I was indeed scared at first."

Mitsuki: "Even now, I'm a bit scared. But..."

(I can't quite express it, but when I look at him, my heart tightens.)

(I want to understand why I feel this way.)

I want to know why his eyes were filled with danger and a hint of melancholy.

Mitsuki: "I want to face you head-on without turning away."

Galileo: "............"

Silence fell between us.

We exchanged glances for a while, and eventually, he let out a small sigh.

Galileo: "You're truly honest and righteous to a fault."

Surprisingly, his voice lacked its usual coldness.

He turned away, and I hesitantly called out to him.

Mitsuki: "Um, goodnight."

For a moment, it seemed like he might turn back toward me, but Galileo melted into the shadows of the night without looking back.

Previous Part ╎ Masterlist ╎ Next Part

[reimeichan]

How did you all figure out you were a system? -🪭

It depends on who you're asking.

For Purple, she was always open to the idea that the world had a lot of unexplainable phenomena that our current knowledge of science and stuff may not be able to address. When we were 12, she was looking online for ways to flesh out OCs, and one of the suggestions was to talk to said OC as if you were giving them an interview. So she asked said "OC" some questions and had him answer them. "What's your favorite color?" she asked. "Gray," I said. "No, that's wrong! I made you, I know your favorite color is green! I put it down on your character sheet!" she said back. I shrugged, and, confused, replied back, "It's definitely gray, I don't know what to tell you." And in that moment she knew she shared a brain with another entity, though she dared not label her experiences as DID at the time.

For Green, in high school he had joined a new online community who noted how his personality would occasionally just *drastically* shift. This personality shift was due to him and Purple switching at the time, and Purple, already in the know, would end up telling this new community how they likely had some sort of "multiple personality" thing going on but would never presume for it to be DID without a proper diagnosis. Those words alone were enough for Green to realize that Purple truly was a separate identity from him, and though he was shocked at first, he and Purple really leaned into the "multiple personalities", even giving themselves different halves of our online username at the time.

For me... well, I'm a fusion of a few parts. One part of me, the Gray that Purple met and mistook for an OC, knew around the same time as her. I was in denial for much longer, but constant pestering from her made me finally accept that she and I were at least separate consciousnesses within the same brain.

Another part of me was blissfully unaware until we nearly died in 2020. I won't go into detail how it happened, but it was sudden and out of nowhere, and though nobody was too greatly injured, the shock was enough for me to fully dissociate away from the situation. However, we still needed someone to actually be in the body and move it around, so out of desperation our gatekeeper (the "mistaken for OC Gray") pushed out the first alter he could find... and that happened to be Rouge, our sexual alter. Let me just paint the picture here real quick: I've told everyone around me that I'm asexual, somewhat sex-repulsed, and had no plans to ever be sexual with anyone. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, I'm on Tinder witht the sluttiest profile I can muster up, swiping right on anyone and everyone who I even remotely may be interested in a one-night hookup. All because I nearly died. I woke up in the morning to hundreds of matches and even a planned fuckdate. All of this, might I remind you all of the timing, in the middle of a pandemic that we at the time did not have a vaccine for yet. Horrified by what I found in the morning, I canceled the fuckdate, deleted my account, and uninstalled the app.

And though that was still not enough for me to accept I have DID, that sure did open some doors.

Then, in 2022, my then-partner and I had a long talk. They were getting tired of my memory issues and no amount of writing things down seemed to be enough for them. I seemed to have incredibly inconsistent and even contradictory boundaries that they couldn't keep track of. I blamed everything on my ADHD, of course. I didn't have amnesia, other than what I assumed were short term memory issues to the point I may have missed something they said 5 minutes ago. "Oh, sorry, I was spacing out," I would say. Eventually she got so fed up that she said, "you never space out when we're having fun conversations! it's only when you're stressed out because I'm pointing out things you've done badly that you tend to space out!"

And I went. Oh. Fuck.

That's not spacing out.

Slapped in the face with the reality that I wasn't simply "spacing out" from ADHD unfocus but due to some kind of dissociation, and given the ultimatum that if I didn't change then they would break up with me, I was forced to sit on those feelings and really dig into why I was so dissociative, so forgetful, and so inconsistent. And I knew the reason, I did, but I couldn't get myself to admit to it. God, it couldn't be me. I tried so hard to convince myself that the disorder I had on-and-off considered my entire life didn't apply to me, that maybe I was misunderstanding the diagnostic criteria, or I was misinterpreting my symptoms, or that I somehow had convinced myself I had these symptoms because I wanted them to feel... special? Validated? I don't know.

I found myself a therapist who had a long history of working with dissociative and trauma clients. She helped me unravel a lot of those feelings of shame and denial. She used a few different tools to eventually diagnose me with DID. She validated my experiences, and helped me through so much initial stabilization that I'm so very grateful for her help those first 10 months.

So, yeah. That's how we found out we have DID.

[barkspawn]

If you really want it to be angsty - farmer is heavily injured and barely comes out of surgery alive and Elliott decides he can’t handle it and breaks things off with her because he suspects it will become a regular thing and she’ll always want to do dangerous stuff no matter what she promises

I'm about ready to throw hands my dude

thank you lmao

Elliott sat in the all-too-familiar waiting room, head in his hands. Amelia had gone down into the mines again to 'just go to the first few floors for some ore' and unsurprisingly to Elliott, had gotten herself hurt again. 

This was the second time now that she needed life-saving surgery and Elliott had been sitting there, nauseous and dizzy, for hours now. At one point, Maru came out, admitting it wasn't going well. Elliott's heart broke when he heard those words followed by the panicked yelling she ran back to. 

That was the last he heard. 

He adored the woman, admiring how dedicated to her farm she was. He admired how everyone in town saw the beauty in her. She was his muse from the first day they met. He'd finished his book and half of a second with her by his side. 

With her, he saw a future. They had finally married after a decently long engagement just 6 months ago. He could see having kids with her and growing old together. 

Harvey pushed through the door, looking as exhausted as the previous time he had fought to save her. Elliott braced for the worst: the love of his life was dead. Killed by monsters in the mines that she promised she'd never go back and face again. Killed by the phrase 'just this one last time.'

Still, he stood, his lips fixed in a frown as Harvey offered a tired smile.

"We got her back, Elliott," he reassured, likely knowing the conclusions Elliott would assume. 

Elliott and Harvey had become friends. After the first time she needed to be saved, Harvey would often check on Elliott. He was worried about his mental health after such a trauma, and to be honest, Harvey helped Elliott get through that difficult time. 

"We got her back, but she can't continue doing this. You know that, right?"

Elliott cursed the tears that fell from his eyes, shaking his head, "I've told her multiple times, Harvey. She always wants to go down there one more time and then she promises she'll stop."

Harvey frowned, sensing the tension in Elliott's voice, "Elliott, let's just be glad she made it, okay? Take a few days to cool off and then approach it again with a fresh mind."

Elliott nodded before taking his seat in the waiting area, letting himself cry once Harvey walked out. 

── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──

Elliott stood beside Amelia as she was discharged from the clinic. He was quiet on their walk home, which she promised she was up for. The tension between them was thick. 

For another twelve days she had been in that damn bed, recovering from losing all of that blood and part of her liver. 

Once inside, she put her things down and he helped her into more comfortable clothes and to rest on the couch. 

It was like he was on autopilot.

He moved to the kitchen, cursing his shaking hands as he prepared to make some dinner. 

Once the food was simmering on the stove, he felt her arms wrap around him from behind, squeezing him tighter than she should be. 

"El, I'm so sorry… I really didn't know the monsters would be there… I didn-"

"You should be resting, Amelia," he spoke, not even recognizing his own voice, "you almost died less than two weeks ago."

She released him, flinching at his tone and feeling like she would be sick, "El, I'm rea-"

" Amelia, not now, " he snapped, though he didn't mean to sound so harsh. 

He was just so angry with her. She was reckless and selfish.. his hands sat on the edge of the counter while he closed his eyes to take a breath. He heard her move back to the couch and sit down. 

They sat in silence for a long time while Elliott cooked dinner. When he took her a bowl of the soup and moved to get his own, she tried again. 

"Elliott, please lis-"

"Do you even understand, Amelia?" He turned, his voice cold and shaking with hurt. She blinked at him, frowning. He scoffed, "of course you don't. Every single time you go into those mines I sit here in pure fear because of things like that," he pointed toward where the clinic is. 

"It's not like I mean to get hurt," she said, her voice soft.

"That's just it, Amelia. You don't get hurt intentionally, but you go down there so often despite knowing what could happen. Despite knowing how much I worry when you do," he shook his head, his frown deepening, "despite knowing you promised me you'd stop."

Amelia couldn't look at him, the hurt and frustration in his eyes were too much. 

"And you'll never stop. You thrive on the high you get from the adrenaline. You always have."

He angrily wiped a tear from his face, "Amelia, I love you with my entire being and you know that."

"El, you know I love you too," she tried, her voice hindered by the tears that fell. 

Elliott felt bad for making her cry like he had rarely done, but he couldn't hold it in, shaking his head. His voice was calm but defeated. 

"But you don't love me enough to stop making me go through this."

He heard her choke out a sob and try to interject, but he realized he had already made up his mind. 

"I can't do this anymore, Amelia."

Her eyes shot to him, fear rendering her speechless for a moment, "El, what are you trying to say?"

"That I can't do this," he sounded sad as he sat down in a chair on the other side of the room, "you will always choose fighting monsters and going into the mines over me."

"N-no, El, I swear to Yoba I'll never touch a sword again. I'll quit the guild. I'll-"

"No, Amelia. You won't," he looked at her, his eyes as if he was mourning, "You've made these promises before and each and every time you go back. I can't live every other day afraid I'll be told my wife is dead."

"Elliott, I love you, please… we can figure this out," she pleaded, gripping her stomach in pain. 

"Amelia, you need to take care of yourself. Lay down if you need to," he stood, grabbing his coat and turning toward the door, "eat your soup.. I'll send Abigail to stay with you."

"I don't want Abigail here, I need you here…"

"I'm sorry, Amelia. I just can't. I.." he sighed, frowning and wiping his tears away once more, "I'm going to Lewis' now. I'll pay for everything and I'll gather my things by morning."

She sat on the couch knowing that following him was no use. She'd lost him. 

"Goodbye, Amelia. I genuinely hope that you stay safe," he inhaled, "and get better."

[awolshippingbracket]

Congratulations to the winners of the first round! The game continues - here is the cast for our next round of the AWOL shipping bracket!

I suppose, by now, you'll be wanting to get to know our contestants. I've seen a couple of people stumble into this with not a clue what this about or just why and how this pole came to be. The general introduction of the concept is in both my description and our introduction post, so why don't we get to know some context to the players and pairings rather than the bare bones? If you click the option to read below, you can learn about our round two pairings and how they came to be! (Keeping in mind that this is fictional roleplay and not a reflection of the actual characters or CCs!)

In order of our bracket, we have:

DL Pearl / TL Cleo They met first when TL Cleo, who's nickname is Petal, originally spawned in the server─ she'd joined quite late, so people were already settled. One of those people being Pearl, on the lookout for some clay shards! Petal happens to come across her digging with her hands in the dirt. And very promptly after inquiring about her armour being made out of a material she'd been foreign to at the time, picks her up and takes her home to clean her up, quite fascinated with her! 

DL Cleo / TL Cleo These two have been bickering since the dawn of time─ funny, is it not? You'd think people so similar would get along! Perhaps under different circumstances. They're not dating, which is something you'll find not uncommon in this poll─ most of it is just done for fun, remember! 

DL Pearl / DL Cleo Slowburn enemies to lovers in the aftermath of DL. Cleo’s had multiple crushes on her in different worlds and while they started off wanting to kill each other, eventually they were killing for each other. canonically [redacted] (Thank you, Sera/silly)

TL Cleo / DL Etho Though they've never formally met in canon, Etho was a part of her group for a little while during a competition! Cleo's been fascinated with him and his cringe failboy charm ever since <3

DL Solidarity / DL Tango Soulmates! At the beginning of AWOL, Jimmy felt awful for killing Tango by proxy of the soulmate mechanic, assuming that it was fault of the canary curse and that he'd inadvertently passed it on to him. They stay apart for a long while after that ─ Tango dies, and then gets revived, and it's an incredibly long story and the middle is just about impossible, but by the end of it, they're working on the ugliest farm possible, made out of very fireproof obsidian.

SL Gem / DL Pearl They seem to be doing well! For a little bit of context, DL Pearl is *also* from SL, but she'd gone through DL first, and SL is a *very* recent addition─ IRP, it's only happened a couple of weeks ago. Anywho! In Secret Life, Pearl killed Gem to save her from winning and keep her from the torment that the watchers would place on her. After talking it through, they're on a much more even field.

LimL Pearl / SL Lizzie SL Lizzie took the place of LimL Pearl during Limited life. Pearl had been stuck in the void, but when the world ends and AWOL season one splits up, they go back to ShadowCraft together and were dating!

TL Grian / LL Scar / LL Mumbo Healing home! Mumbo and Grian spawned in together and after talking and the Only one bed trope in a cave, they ended up settling down together in a house since lilac didn't know where sand was and they both just liked eachothers presence. After some time and maybe making Grumbot, they agreed to a qpp (can't remember if grum or qpp was first) For Scars part, basically- after he spawned, Mumbo apologized to him and they ended up going on a picnic together, which kick started their eventual fall into a qpp. After they parted, Scar ended up in a desert and fell in a ravine, where Grian found him and brought him back to the healing house to heal. Because of wither rose, Scar was distrusting but eventually warmed up to Grian. From there, they invited him to stay, and he eventually joined into their qpr :] (Huge thank you to @berrygoodtime for writing this!)

LL Grian / LL Joel Through thick and thin, these two were inseparable until the end. To where in Last Life, they died right at eachothers side. The second chance only caused them to grow closer, partners in crime. One that could challenge what Bonnie and Clyde had. Whether it was crashing a wedding or merely having eachother for comfort. After all ,for the longest of times, they were all they had. (Thank you to @crypticcherriez for writing this!)

DL Grian / LimL Skizz After an accidental murder and a very apologetic Skizz, they get off on the right foot almost off the bat! From helping with baking to gifts and cuddles and taking care of each other while they're ill, they get close quite fast. They're married now! As well as LimL Impulse, I guess.

LL Martyn / LL Rendog Toxic Yaoi! But not in the fun way, not really─They've been through,,, so much. From Last Life to AWOL─ Martyn didn't show up in the next rendition. They truly have been through quite a bit─ Martyn using Rens honour against him and persuading him into kill for him, doors they opened and not once walked out of.  They separated after the first season.

LimL Impulse / LimL Skizz Awh! The classic angel-and-devil archetype! They're a match made in heaven! They've always been quite close, from their original worlds, through the games and through AWOL where they officially started dating. They've since gotten married

DL Scar / LimL Scar After DL Scar and DL Grian broke up, they started to get along! One of their earlier official meetings was a date in the flowering meadows, where DL Scar got the nickname Emerald because of the colour of his eyes, and LimL Scar got the nickname Dandelion because of the flowers around them. from then, their relationship started evolving, and when they went to their world together, they had a daughter named Tova!

LL Grian / TL Scar Oh dear. This one might rival treebark When they met, they'd spawned in together. LL Grian, Wither Rose, pretended to be Lilac (TL Grian, and Scars original Grian). He tampered with TL Scars communicator so he wouldn't be able to contact or communicate with anybody other than him. It takes months before Scar gets contact with the outside world─ and even then, he's still healing from it, a whole year later. Toxic yaoi (original version)

[harleyification]

that swamp tribe korra au idea sounds g e n i u s

JSAIDOJSAJIODAS THANK YOU ANON!! YOU JUST MADE MY NIGHT!! here, have some more of my thoughts since I've been thinking of this AU non-stop and have been researching a LOT:

Korra's animal guide is still Naga, but I'm changing her species to fit Korra and the Swamp Tribe more! Here's a sketch I made a few days ago of Naga, the Wolverine-Deer!!

+ Some other sketches of animal guide ideas!

Naga's deer side is more inspired by the Sika Deer, since their adults tend to keep their spots! I chose the wolverine rather than the badger because wolverines are typically loner animals that can take down both predators and prey DOUBLE the size of them, which I think fits Korra's character more!

I've also been doodling around with Korra's design a little bit, since I don't think it would be a 1-to-1 copy of her canon design. Still, I haven't been able to settle down on anything just yet - especially since I've been trying to give the Foggy Swamp Tribe more of a culture rather than just being the Water Tribe's hillbilly cousins. I'm trying to combine both Native American tribes that lived in Florida and other wetlands with the obvious Vietnamese inspiration their tribe has! It's...taking me a bit, though, since I am researching multiple things at once while also being A Responsible Adult, skldjaldaja

So far, I'm settling down on these facts for my fic (cause I WILL BE WRITING THIS - SOMEDAY!!):

Senna is from the Foggy Swamp Tribe. Tonraq is still from the NWT. After his banishment, his ship veered off course and ran into the Swamp Tribe's delta, where he met Senna and decided to stay! He's not the chief, however, as I'm thinking that the most enlightened elders of the tribe are the elected leaders (maybe one has to meditate at the Banyan-Grove tree first before leading the FST?), and it is someone else at this current moment in time.

Sokka isn't dead! I headcanon that he died due to injuries in the Red Lotus attack, and..well...I don't think that goes exactly as planned in this AU, sjadkajdlade. Due to this, and thanks to him figuring out first that the water avatar was most likely Swamp Tribe, he has a bit of influence in Korra's life!

(Zukka will be in this btw, since I Love Them, but they won't take priority.)

Korra wasn't taken by the White Lotus when they discovered who she is. The Foggy Swamp Tribe is very protective of their own and who they see as family, loyal down to the bone, and when the White Lotus says that Korra has to go to their Southern Water Tribe facilities to be taught bending, they REFUSED it. I like to think that the family unit and community is INSANELY important to the Foggy Swamp Tribe, and just because Korra is the avatar doesn't mean that she needs to be taken away from her home.

So, basically, Korra grew up with her community and has childhood friends rather than being isolated like in canon! This changes a bit in how she approaches Mako, Bolin, and Asami when she meets up with them eventually. (AKA, fuck the romance triangle, I ain't doing that)

The entire plot of Korra has changed - due to Sokka being alive, Korra's stance on non-benders is different. Due to growing up in the Foggy Swamp Tribe, who teaches the ideals of everything and everyone is connected and that connection is important, Korra also goes about defeating Vaatu differently. Due to Tonraq never making it to the SWT, almost everyone thinks he's dead (mail can't exactly get through tall trees or extremely vicious animals), so Korra never even met Unalaq either...

That's all that I have thought of for now! Thank you for the ask, Im so SO HAPPY that you like my silly lil FST Korra AU!!!!

[monsterwithasweater]

Monster Replays the Truthful Route: Part 2

Just realized that the end of this month marks the anniversary of Digimon Survive's release, so I wanna finish this playthrough just in time!

Warning: The following post contains spoilers for Digimon Survive. Viewer discretion is advised.

Thoughts:

Professor 🥺🥺🥺

Weird glitch I noticed: When someone's talking, sometimes the voice over doesn't play, and then they 'talk' in sync with the next characters lip flaps. It usually happens whenever somebody's talking to Takuma.

Ryo: Is your brain broken or something?

There are multiple different people in my life that this quote describes.

I love that humans are considered to be myths in the Kemonogami World, while the Kemonogami are considered myths in the Human World. They are parallel worlds fr fr.

Agumon in this conversation is a whole mood.

Agumon: Heh heh! Yeah, I'm amazing! I guess?

No, Agumon. No "I guess." You are amazing!

Miyuki 🥺🥺🥺

While writing this post, my phone died, and a good chunk was deleted because of it. So there's probably gonna be an odd skip between the beginning of Part 2 to the middle of it.

Labramon: You're drooling, Agumon! That's disgusting...

Falcomon: And yet you're drooling too, Labramon.

Fun fact: Non-playable Dracmons make li'l puppy noises.

This is probably the only playthrough where I don't have Minoru with the highest affinity in the first few chapters.

Ryo: The past two days almost killed me!

And if I don't raise my affinity with you soon, you'll really get killed.

Relationship goals: Being brothers in arms with your talking bird friend

I don't like how high my Harmony karma is...

RIP in Paildramons, Professor Digimon Survive 😔😔😔

I also don't like how they use 'all right' instead of alright.

Minoru and Falcomon 🥺🥺🥺

I find it interesting how Diatrymon is like, "What is this!?" when he first evolves.

For this battle, I decided to go Perfect level instead of straight to Mega, with the exception of MetalSeadramon. I just started feeling nostalgic for them.

Agumon: What's he mean, "friendly ones"?

Falcomon: The allies, who are nice to everyone.

Labramon: I'm Aoi's friendly one! I'm nice to her!

Gomamoooon!!! 😍😍😍😍😍😍

Falcomon: I'll be your wingman!

More like you'll be his wingmon, but okay.

Decided to go Champion level this time around.

Saki: There's no way you guys can know me! We just met, didn't we?!

Floramon: I know everything about you, Saki!

Saki: Really? Amazing!

I don't know why, I find this kinda amusing.

Jealous much, Floramon?

Shuuji: AAAAUGH!

The game: Exploration time! Everything is fine! :D

Agumon: That's Floramon, and Lopmon!

Takuma: You know them?

Agumon: Nope, first time I've ever seen 'em! Nice to meet you!

Agumon 🥺🥺🥺

Can't believe they killed off Professor Digimon Survive twice in the same chapter 😔😔😔

Fangmon: I was after that little one, but my hand slipped.

You call those hands?

Aoi and Labramon 🥺🥺🥺

In all seriousness, though, the Professor's "death" feels very tragic. WhiIe it's obvious from previous playthroughs that he's not really dead, the group's reaction to it, as well as the music playing in the background, really make it hit hard for me.

The same goes for Fangmon's death as well. While it's true that he was meant to be a bad guy who straight up tried to kill the Survive gang, the way his death played out just felt gruesome, even if no actual gore was shown.

Or maybe I'm just a big wuss.

This post took me hours to make. I wish I was joking. It's 11:59 PM as I'm typing this.

Anyways, tune in next time to see me 🥺🥺🥺 at more characters!

[wanderingaldecaldo]

🥢 - Jackie welles for streetkid! Val

Thank you for the ask, Bunny! 🥰 From the Get-A-Long meme:

🥢- Jackie Welles

V and Jackie were (almost) instant BFFs. When they met trying to steal the same car for Kirk and managed not to go to jail, Jackie's first instinct was to invite Val out to get some food, and there's no surer way to her heart than through her stomach.

She had just gotten back from a rough time in Atlanta; she'd nearly died from a gig gone wrong, and decided to go "home" to Night City, even though there was no home, or anyone really, to come home to. Once Jackie found that out, it was decided -- she was going to stay with him. Mama Welles was an easy sell as she loves to adopt the streetkids of NC, and V knows how to mind her manners -- a surefire way to ingratiate herself with Lupe. V loved living with Jackie and Lupe. She's been largely on her own since 14, and hasn't had a maternal figure since her mother died [don't ask how old she was, I think I've said multiple ages lmao] and Lupe fills that role perfectly.

As for Jackie, they were like siblings. Always goofing off, always on the verge of fighting, always had each other's back. She'd never had such a fast friendship with anyone before, and there certainly wasn't anyone else like Jackie. They were inseparable for the few months she knew him, even after she got her own apartment -- and not just because Jackie always needed to borrow her ride. With Jackie's help, she got over lingering anxieties from the Atlanta job, and started developing a good reputation among the city's fixers.

V carries a lot of guilt about Jackie's death. She could have talked him out of it -- should have after her conversation with Vik -- but she didn't. She was too focused on the eddies and prestige to think through the consequences. After the ofrenda, V ducks Lupe's calls -- her usual method of avoidance -- and if it wasn't for Misty and Vik laying on the guilt, she probably would have ghosted Mama entirely when she left with the Aldecaldos. When V returns to NC later, she and Mitch stay with Lupe and she is forced to confront all of the guilt she has been avoiding. [Insert shameless plug for my last fic, This Must Be The Place]

[mushroomjar]

[Image Description: Multiple screenshots of dialogue from Undertale.

1 and 2: Toriel talking to the player character over the phone. She says: "Truthfully, when I first saw you, I felt... like I was seeing an old friend for the first time."

3: A transcript of Papyrus saying: "Human. Allow me to tell you about some complex feelings. Somehow, I feel like you're an old friend... Even though I've never actually met you before!! I can't explain why I feel this way... Did I meet you online???"

4: A transcript of Undyne saying: "And! And! ... and something's been bothering me, too. The whole time I was chasing after you... I felt something... Strange. The echoes of something warm, something... Something like "I miss being friends with you." But that's ridiculous! I would never get chummy with a coward like you! You! You must have been mind-controlling me! Manipulating people to make them like you... What a Grade-A Freak! Now enough! For everyone's hopes! For everyone's dreams! And for my own freaking dignity! I, Undyne, will knock you down!"

4: Dialogue that reads: "Watching you, I felt like... like I was seeing an old friend."

5: Sans winks at the player character in the last corridor, saying: "you've already heard my spiel, haven't you?"

6: Sans says to the player character: "you turned around before i said to... weird."

7: Sans says to the player character during their dinner: "hey, what's that look supposed to mean?"

8: Sans says to the player character in the last corridor: "that's the expression of someone who's died twice in a row."

9: Flowey smiles, saying: "I know what you did."

10: Transcript of Sans saying: "to be blunt... it makes it kind of hard to give it my all. ... or is that just a poor excuse for being lazy...? hell if i know."

11: Transcript of Sans saying: "our reports showed a massive anomaly in the timespace continuum. timelines jumping left and right, stopping and starting... until suddenly, everything ends. heh heh heh... that's your fault, isn't it?"

12: Transcript of Sans saying: "i know you didn't answer me before, but... somewhere in there. i can feel it. there's a glimmer of a good person inside of you. the memory of someone who once wanted to do the right thing. someone who, in another time, might have even been... a friend? c'mon, buddy. do you remember me? please, if you're listening... let's forget all this, ok? just lay down your weapon, and... well, my job will be a lot easier."

13: Transcript of Sans saying: "woah, you look really pissed off... heheheh... did i getcha? well, if you came back anyway... i guess that means we never really were friends, huh? heh. don't tell that to the other sans-es, ok?"

14: Transcript of Sans saying: "hmm. that expression... that's the expression of someone who's died eleven times in a row. well, give or take. there's nuance to this stuff. don't think i'll be able to count very well from here. count for me, ok? we'll start from 12."

End Image Description]

One common Undertale misconception that really frustrates me is when Sans is portrayed with a strong innate sense for RESETs and alternative timelines. Like, that he remembers the RESET timelines better than the other characters who only have occasional feelings of deja vu or even that he can sense when a timeline is RESET.

And that’s, like, almost the opposite of the actual text of the game. While pretty much every main character can have slightly-different dialogue in a Not-True-RESET, especially if the Player had previously befriended them, based on the idea that they have lingering memories/feelings from before the RESET - 

Sans has no real dialogue changes based on this conceit. All of his changes are based around noticing Frisk has different reactions based on their memories of the precious timelines. 

Other characters do also make observations like that about Frisk, like Mettaton and Toriel. But Sans is distinctive because this is the only way his comments change between RESETs and there are a lot of them from him.

Because that is what really frustrates me about this misconception. People mention it as one more thing that makes Sans cool - but the actual truth is far more badass. Sans is one of the people in the Underground who remembers RESETs the least. I think memory-resistance to RESETs is probably tied to Determination. Flowey, the second-most Determined person in the Underground after Frisk, can remember everything perfectly.

Everyone else has some vague feelings and deja vus. And Sans, he’s the least motivated person in the Underground - both in the sense he’s lazy and in the sense he’s fucking depressed.

That probably means he has very little Determination. Thus, he doesn’t remember anything that happens between RESETs.

And yet, he is still the character most aware of them. Because he has the technological know-how to read and analyze timelines.

And because he has the observation and analytical skill to notice a RESET from other people’s reactions and behavior. Whatever it’s Papyrus thinking he recognizes someone or Frisk’s behavior implying that they know something they shouldn’t have. Sans main RESET-related skill is just being able to identify these moments and come to the correct conclusion about them. And with that he manages to be the most aware character in the entire Underground.

Like, the one point where it might seem like Sans remembers something from a previous Timeline is the Fake Spare scene during his boss battle. 

But it’s all pretend. Unlike the previous lines from other characters that I mentioned, this dialogue plays even if the Murder Route is the first time the player touched the game. Sans isn’t remembering anything in this scene. But he makes an educated guess that the Immoral Time God probably tried using their powers for good at first, so they were likely ‘friends’ in a previous timeline. And in most cases, his guess is right on the money - tricking many players into thinking this is another case of the game actually reacting to their past actions.

And as always, Sans can only tell if his lil’ trick worked or not based on the expression of the Player Character.

Arguably, Sans even uses his lack of Determination and cross-RESET memory to his advantage in his boss battle. After all, the whole point of this fight isn’t to kill the Player - Sans understands this is impossible. This is a war of attrition, trying to get the Player so frustrated and annoyed with the unfair fight that they just ragequit or RESET the Timeline. And this war of the Player’s patience versus Sans’ stamina and will is infinitely easier for him when he doesn’t actually perceive all the Player’s previous attempts against him.

Like, for the Player this might be the billion time they go up against him, they’re aware of some of his patterns and tricks now but they’re probably also frustrated and angry and exhausted. Meanwhile, from Sans’ POV, this is still the first time this is happening. He knows it’s not from the Player’s behavior and Frisk’s expression - but he doesn’t feel it like the Player does. 

He doesn’t feel the frustration and repetition of the endless stalemate. So he’s always as fresh as a daisy no matter how rugged the Player is getting.

And that’s part of why Sans is so cool in the first place, like, in general. He’s technically the weakest person in the Underground, lacking in every standard evaluation of power in the setting - no ATK, no DEF, no HP, no DETERMINATION. But he’s darn clever enough to overcome these weaknesses and even use them in ways that make them into strengths, enough to be one of the most dangerous and most aware guys in this whole setting.

Sans can’t remember anything, and that makes him awesome.

[exyugoth]

Luck, misfortune, acceptance

I try to pinpoint the pinpoint the first time I felt an overwhelming sense of bad luck, misfortune, evil eye, whatever you want to call it. Was it when I started losing more friendships than I can count in the same way that made me feel inadequate over and over again, every year since I was 11 ? Was it when we kept discovering that some illnesses ran in the family ? Was it when I understood that what I had experienced as a child was abuse and that I might not have been the only one ? Was it when we lost several family members in a short timespan and we were robbed of goodbyes ? Was it when the fridge broke down that one time ? And then the car. And then my computer. And then the sink. All in the same week.

Did it start with me - they did, after all, take me to some sort of witch because I refused to sleep and they thought someone had given me the evil eye the first few weeks of my existence - or is there some truth in my parents' words when they say that we have been cursed ? I recently learned that, in 2001, my parents were ready to move us back to their motherland. Everything was set up. Clothes and furniture were packed and ready to go. They eventually had to give up on the idea after nationalists violently attacked Bosniaks again in their hometown. To me, it felt like yet another unfortunate tale that could only happen to us.

I wonder how much of these feelings are cultural, how much of it is born out of superstitious beliefs. How much of it is rooted in having collectively experienced unspeakable and unfathomable life-changing violence that has spanned multiple generations, without ever taking a break. It makes sense that, if we cannot truly make sense of something, it is easier to conceptualize it as some uncontrollable power that comes to crush us and continues to strike repeatedly.

It also seems rather self-centered to believe that we are special enough to be cursed. That these horrible occurrences must be someone or something else's fault because it never should have happened to us. That our lives are so bad that we must have the evil eye. As if thousands on this planet were not experiencing much more difficult and traumatic life events at the exact same time. When I start thinking about that, I feel guilty.

Then, I think about how lucky I actually am, despite everything. And how lucky we are. "If the war hasn't killed us, neither will this." That's a sentence I've heard my grandmother, my mother and my aunt say before. And it's true since none of our relatives, as far as I know, have died in the war. We've been lucky enough to visit my family every summer since I was born, unlike million of others in the diaspora. I was lucky enough to meet my grandpa. Hell, I even met my great-grandpa. That doesn't sound like being cursed to me.

My therapist often congratulates me on how well I cope with things and how well I self-reflect. When I read about how to recognize that a child may be undergoing sexual abuse, I did not find myself in the signs. Was that luck? I felt proud of that, even though I knew it was wrong to feel pride. I was a happy child. A bit too talkative at the doctor's. Bratty and spoiled. Energetic. Cheerful. Sometimes a bit rude to my peers when I felt like I had to protect myself. It was only years after the abuse stopped that I developed anxiety and depression, and I'm still convinced that it had more to do with my fear of failure and disappointing my loved ones than it had to do with anything else.

Although when something bad happens to me, it's always a devastating and troubling wave of bad things happening at the same time, deep down I don't think I'm truly cursed. But I do need to accept that it's just this thing called life. And life sometimes really fucking hurts. But that shall pass too.