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m1ckeyb3rry · 5 months ago

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Synopsis: Tabito Karasu has been in love with you for almost as long as he can remember. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem like you have any intentions of reciprocating, considering you’ve only ever seen him as a child — and, more importantly, as your best friend’s little brother.

BLLK Masterlist | Part One | Otoya Version

Pairing: Karasu x Reader

Total Word Count: 41.6k

Content Warnings: reader is older than karasu (by like two years so it’s nbd but it exists), no blue lock au, bratty baby karasu, jealous karasu, slow burn, childhood friends, i have no idea how to write kids just deal w it, karasu’s older sister is given a name (look at that word count LMAO i’m not calling her ‘karasu’s older sister’ the entire time), reader gets drunk at one point, karasu the goat of pining, yukimiya and otoya mentions ⁉️

A/N: yes this is inspired by the song “best friend’s brother” from victorious but has barely anything to do with it. yes this is probably the longest karasu fic you will ever read as of its publishing date (word count is not a typo it fr is that long). yes reader and karasu are fuck ass little kids for half of the fic. i have nothing to say for myself except that i love karasu so much and i cannot be stopped…also tumblr is an opp so i had to split this into two parts EEK i’m sorry!!

Tokyo was exactly as you remembered it. Both of your parents had been raised there, and so you had visited frequently when you were younger. You had fond memories of staying there with both sets of your grandparents before they had all, in turn, decided to move to calmer parts of the country, places which were not as frenetic and vibrant as the capital. After they had left, your family had had little reason to go back, so it had been some years since you had last made the trip, but in a way this move was just another kind of homecoming, for the chaos of the massive city was as familiar to you as the peace of your neighborhood.

“Everyone here talks like your parents,” Yayoi told you, the first day you both were able to meet up after you had moved. Your classes had not yet begun, but you were both finally unpacked and oriented in your new lives, so you had taken advantage of the last bits of free time you might have for a while to see one another. “It’s kind of funny.”

“Right?” you said. You had never fully adopted the accent of your home region, for you had been raised by a family which still spoke as if they were in Tokyo, but regardless it was strange to hear people other than your parents speaking in that way without affectation.

“Sometimes I end up saying the wrong thing and confusing people, but they figure out pretty quickly that it’s just the dialect I speak with, and then they ask for clarification if needed,” she said. “So I haven’t run into any major miscommunication problems yet, thankfully.”

“That’s good,” you said. “Are you excited to start classes?”

“Well, excited isn't exactly the word I’d use for it,” she said wryly. “Even if I’m the one who chose the subject, it’s still going to be a lot of work.”

“A ton of it,” you said, making a face. “You’re lucky, though. Your term doesn’t start for another week.”

“Well, it also ends a week later, so that doesn’t mean anything,” she said, sipping on the last few drops of her coffee — which she always ordered black, not because she liked it that way but because she was trying to keep up appearances and whatnot. “What about you?”

“I think classes and all will be a good distraction. It’ll be nice to have something to keep myself busy,” you said.

“What do you need to be distracted from?” she said.

“Just homesickness and stuff. The typical things you’d expect,” you said. She hummed sympathetically.

“I get it,” she said. “I miss my parents like crazy sometimes, especially when I need help with random stuff. The other day, I had to video call my mother so she could explain how to clean a cast iron pan.”

“You could’ve looked that up,” you said.

“Yeah, but it was nicer to hear it from her,” she said.

“Yeah,” you echoed, because it was the same for you. You often found yourself calling your parents for no reason at all, asking them stupid questions just to listen to them talk. “I’m glad to be on my own, but I do miss my mother and father a lot.”

“Anyone else?” she said.

“What do you mean?” you said.

“Just wondering,” she said. “You know, come to think of it, you were kind of late coming to your seat. Freaked your parents out beyond belief. Any reason in particular?”

“I was just talking to Tabito,” you said. “Saying bye and all.”

“Are you going to miss him?” she prodded.

“Obviously. At this point, he’s like my brother, too. Isn’t it natural to miss your siblings?” you said.

“I don’t,” she said, though she immediately burst into laughter, which somewhat contradicted the statement.

“You’re horrible,” you said. “I know you do.”

“I do,” she affirmed. “But I think it’s in a different way than you do. It’s odd, because I’m the one who’s actually related to him, but the truth is that you two have always been closer than he and I ever were.”

“Probably because I’m not a jerk like you are,” you said.

“How can you consider yourself his additional older sister when you’re so nice to him? You need to bully him a bit more to earn that distinction,” she said.

“He hears enough of it out of you,” you said.

“Cheers, I’ll drink to that,” she said, holding up her paper cup and raising it to her lips, though you knew it was empty by now. You clinked your own against hers and finished the last remnants of your drink in one gulp. “You know, Y/N, I think you’re irreplaceable at this point.”

“You, too,” you said. “I’ll never be friends with anyone the way I am with you.”

“Fuck whoever we meet in college,” she said, nodding in approval. “I’m sure they’ll be cool and all, but the two of us, we hardly even count as friends anymore. It’s like we’re something more.”

“Exactly,” you said. “I can have a million more best friends, and likely I will, but never again will I have another Yayoi Karasu.”

“And don’t you forget it,” she said.

“I wouldn’t dare,” you said. “Not for a moment.”

Your first year of college flew past in the blink of an eye. On the whole, you preferred it to high school, even though there were aspects of the past you still held dear, seeped with nostalgia as they were. You made new friends, as did Yayoi, but just like you both had predicted, none of them measured up to each other. Still, it was fun to meet people from all different regions in the country and to hear about their lives. Some of your classmates weren’t even from Japan at all, and there was another layer of fascination there, learning about the ways of other nations, the cultures and foods they were accustomed to, and teaching them about your own in exchange.

Your mid term breaks were a bit shorter than Yayoi’s, which meant you weren’t ever able to justify visiting home, but in return, you had much longer in between years, so while Yayoi was still stressing over her finals, you were already taking the train back to the station by your house, texting your parents all the while.

In your absence, your childhood room had remained untouched, the stuffed animals arranged on your bed in the exact order you preferred, the books still stacked on the shelves, your artwork and photos of you with your friends hanging on the walls where you had put them. Time felt frozen, and it was as if you had never left, as if your entire year in Tokyo had been a dream and this had always been the reality.

After eating dinner with your parents, you showered and changed into one of your father’s old shirts and a pair of sweatpants, flopping face-first onto your bed and taking a deep breath, already feeling yourself nodding off despite the fact that it wasn’t that late. Traveling always exhausted you, however, and it was all you could do to turn your lights off and crawl under the covers, plugging your phone in to charge as you drifted off.

Right when you were about to fall asleep for good, your phone’s screen blazed to life, startling you awake as it vibrated urgently. Groaning and cursing whoever was calling you, you glared at the device until you realized exactly who it was, and then your unhappiness was promptly replaced with glee as you clicked on the green answer button.

“Tabito!” you said. Although you had texted with him every now and then, you were ashamed to admit that you hadn’t spoken to him as much as you should’ve. You reasoned that he had had equal opportunity to reach out first and hadn’t, so it wasn’t that big of a deal, but it was a feeble excuse that was only meant to deflect the blame from yourself and nothing more.

“Y/N,” he said. His voice was deeper than you remembered, and more resonant, too, lilting with a husky, full-bodied musicality that hadn’t been there when you had left. “Hope I’m not bothering you.”

“Don’t worry about it,” you reassured him. “What’s up?”

“Do you remember — sorry, this is really stupid, so don’t feel bad for saying no,” he said.

“It’s okay. I’ve definitely seen you do way stupider things,” you said. He chuckled.

“You’re probably right. Here goes, then. Um, do you remember when you went to my first soccer game in middle school, and afterwards, we agreed you wouldn’t come to another until I was the captain of a really good high school team?” he said.

“I think so, why?” you said. A second later, it hit you, and you gasped, beaming so widely that your face ached. “No way! For Bambi Osaka? Since when?”

“Yup, for Bambi Osaka. The old captain just graduated, and he named me as his replacement today, so, uh, since today, I guess,” he said.

“I wish you would’ve told me in person so you could see how much I’m smiling right now,” you said. “Congratulations, Tabito! You can’t begin to know how proud I am of you.”

“Thanks,” he said. “Anyways, our first game is this Thursday, so…”

“Huh? Did you want me to come?” you said. “Yayoi won’t be back from Tokyo by then, though. Shouldn’t I wait for her?”

“If you’d prefer that,” he said. “Or, I mean, you don’t have to go at all. I was just offering in case you were interested, but no hard feelings if not.”

Since when had he been so awkward with you? Since when had he stumbled over his words and been so unsure? You frowned at the mere chance that there was more than a physical distance between the two of you, even if it probably was the case, despite how much you had never wanted such an event to occur.

“As long as you want me, I’ll be there. I don’t have much else to do anyways, right? And how could I miss your first game as captain? Let me know where and when, and I’ll definitely come,” you said. He exhaled softly.

“Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, I want you there. I’ll let you know the details, but like I said, no pressure. Don’t force yourself. Come if you can.”

It was springtime, and the world was still remembering how to come alive, peeking out its head from the den of winter and blinking its sleepy eyes against the sun. There were not any flowers in bloom quite yet, but as far as the eye could see were buds on the precipice of rupturing, the pale undersides of their petals mere imitations of the hues they’d soon display proudly. The birds still warmed eggs in nests made of twigs and twine, but already there were cracks in a few of the creamy shells; here and there, even, little yellow beaks could be seen reaching towards the sky and chittering incessant demands at their parents.

You were lazy as you pedaled your bike down the side streets leading towards the field where the match was being held. It was an away game, technically, but this worked out better for you, as the high school they were playing at was closer to your house than the Bambi Osaka stadium, which was far enough that you would’ve needed to take a taxi.

According to Tabito, the game was actually more of a scrimmage, as they were playing a local school’s soccer club instead of another organization’s youth team, as they did in serious matches. Apparently, this was by design, as it gave their coach the opportunity to test Tabito's skills at being a captain in a low-stakes, low-pressure environment. If he proved himself incapable, the coach would override the previous captain’s pick and name another member of the team to the position, but if he played as well as he always did, and managed to coordinate the rest of the players in a satisfactory manner, then he’d be given the position permanently.

You had reminded him that this meant he technically wasn’t the captain yet, but to this he had said that he had the title and the armband, and if anything, since that was the situation, he needed you there more than ever. After all, he had explained, you had been in the audience when he had scored the winning goal in his first game for his middle school’s team. You were good luck for him. If you were in the crowd, then there was no way he could lose.

Parking your bike in the lot alongside the others, you locked it and then made your way towards the entrance to the stadium, the ticket Tabito had sent you in between your index and middle fingers. Even though there wouldn’t be very many people attending this game, it was Bambi Osaka’s policy to require tickets for entry to any of their matches, and the price if you weren’t associated with a player was, you heard, quite hefty.

You sat by yourself in the stands, your purse beside you and your legs crossed at the ankles. You couldn’t explain why, but there was a doubt in the back of your mind about whether you even belonged in the audience at all. Without Yayoi at your side, it felt like there was a neon sign in the air pointing at you and declaring you inept and unwelcome. Everyone else was buzzing with theories and predictions for the upcoming game, tossing out the names of the players and their opinions on them, but you were by yourself, without even a drink to warm your hands.

The gray of that isolation evaporated the moment that the Bambi Osaka boys took to the field, led by none other than Tabito. You were suddenly reminded that you weren’t just allowed to be there — you were wanted, genuinely wanted, and so you had as much if not more of a claim to your seat than anyone else could. Tabito had invited you. He could’ve invited anyone else in the entire city, but still he had invited you, and you would not tarnish that by thinking you were alone when he was there, as he always was.

As was to be expected, there was a complete difference to the way Tabito played when compared to that very first game of his which you had watched. For one, he was at the front of the field instead of in the middle, and there was an impertinence to the way he shook the hand of the opposing captain, an audacious smirk on his face which was visible even from the distance. This was a side of Tabito you weren’t so acquainted with, a side which was brazen and self-assured and stood as if he had already won before the referee even blew the whistle to begin.

The game moved faster than you could keep up with, and without Yayoi there to give you a play-by-play, you found yourself utterly lost about the finer details of the match. Still, even you could tell that Bambi Osaka was in the lead, and by no small margin — largely in part thanks to the combined skills of Tabito and a slender, pale-haired boy whose jersey read Hiori.

When Tabito was younger, there had been a desperate, vicious quality to his soccer, as if he really might die should he lose. It was in direct contrast to now, where he toyed with the opposite team in much the same way a cat would toy with a ball of yarn — with a distinct sense of superiority, like he was looking down on them even as he forced his way past, not giving them any other choice but to watch as he drove his way down the field.

“Is number 10 the new captain?” a boy behind you said. He sounded younger; maybe he had an older brother on one of the teams, or maybe he was just that supportive of Bambi Osaka. You didn’t turn, but you did tune into the conversation, wondering what they’d say about Tabito.

“Karasu? Yes, he is,” a slightly older boy said. “My brother said he’s a real asshole, but he’s a great guy when it counts. They’re all happy he’s the one who was recommended for the spot.”

“He’s so good,” the younger boy said. “And Hiori, as well. They’re both amazing.”

“Hiori’s only a first year, too. I bet he’s going to go far,” the older boy said. “Now shush, quit distracting me. I’m trying to watch the game.”

To no one’s surprise, Bambi Osaka won by a ridiculous amount of goals, and as Tabito shook hands with the school’s captain again, you noticed their coach nodding in approval, annotating something on his clipboard with a satisfied smile on his face. You waited until all of them had vanished into the locker rooms to head to the exit and wait by your bike for Tabito to join you.

About twenty minutes later, he and the rest of the team trickled out, discussing their game and the plans for the next one. At first it seemed like he had not noticed you, absorbed in conversation as he was, but it quickly became evident that he had, for he skillfully guided the others towards where you stood, never faltering in words nor steps until he reached you. Then he paused, schooling his expression into one of shock, his eyebrows raising and his lips parting as if he had happened upon you entirely by accident. It was an amusing bit of theatrics, albeit realistic to anyone who did not know his mannerisms as well as you did.

“Hey, Y/N,” he said, all composed and airy and dispassionate, as if it were mere coincidence that the two of you had met at that moment, as if it hardly mattered to him that you were there. It might’ve fooled another person, but not once in his life had he been able to fool you, and he certainly wouldn’t start today.

He must’ve showered in the locker rooms, for his hair fell loose and silky around his face instead of styled back as it typically was, and when you hugged him — which was met a reflexive return of his arms around your body before he could even manage to yelp in surprise — you could smell the faint, pleasant scent of his soap which still clung to his skin.

“Hi,” you said, holding onto him for as long as you deemed publicly appropriate before wriggling free and smiling at him. “I think you did good. Without Yayoi, I couldn’t be sure, but to me you looked great.”

“Eh,” he said. “Could’ve been worse. Could’ve been better. But thanks.”

“Woah, Karasu,” one of his teammates said. He was a tall and burly player who reminded you vaguely of Aoyama, and he accompanied the exclamation by wrapping one arm around Tabito in a friendly headlock and using his free hand to ruffle the boy’s damp hair, leaving him to resemble a sea urchin. “You didn’t tell us you had such a beautiful girlfriend! Hello, ma’am, it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“Get off of me,” Tabito wheezed, slapping his teammate away. “You fuckface, I’m going to kill you. Don’t try to shake her hand!”

“I’m not his girlfriend,” you said, accepting his teammate’s proffered hand. “Just best friends with his older sister. You can think of me as a stand-in for her while she’s finishing up her first year in Tokyo. My name’s Y/N, by the way.”

“Ah, you’re that Y/N!” he said.

“I believe I am? What does that mean?” you said.

“Nothing bad,” Tabito cut in. “Yayoi’s come to a few games and mentioned you, so everyone’s been wanting to meet you.”

“It’s true. I mean, a girl who refused to come to a game until and unless Karasu was made captain? We all thought you must be something intense,” his teammate said. “You seem pretty normal, though. And also super hot, if you don’t mind me mentioning.”

“Well, he’s the one who told me not to come, so if anyone’s intense, it’s him,” you said. “And, uh, thanks? I guess?”

“I mind you mentioning, so shut the hell up,” Tabito said, finally breaking free of his teammate’s hold and shoving him away from you. “Sorry about this one, Y/N. He’s incorrigible.”

His teammate laughed raucously. “My fault, my fault. Sorry, Karasu.”

“Say sorry to her,” Tabito said. “She’s the one you were bothering.”

“It’s alright,” you assured him. “Really, I don’t mind the compliment. Even if it could’ve been phrased better.”

“Anything for you, gorgeous lady,” his teammate said with a wink. “But, ah, considering I value my life and limbs, I think I’m going to head out now, as our new captain seems about a few seconds away from murdering me. See you around!”

He ran away to rejoin the rest of the Bambi Osaka boys as they all headed in their separate directions towards their homes, leaving you and Tabito alone once more. As soon as they were all gone, he sighed, that put-upon countenance he had maintained for the entirety of the conversation falling apart in an instant.

“I didn’t think he’d say all of that,” he said. “Sorry again.”

“You worry so much,” you said. “Come on, you just won another match, didn’t you? That’s cause to celebrate, so don’t look so tired and mopey.”

“I don’t look tired and mopey!” he defended. “This is just how my face is!”

“Uh-huh, sure,” you said, unlocking your bike and beginning to walk it beside you so you could keep talking to him. “I seem to remember your face being quite a bit rounder and sunnier. Now you’re all angles and doom and gloom.”

“That’s not something I can help,” he said, taking your bike from you so he could walk it instead. “Y/N, you’re being mean. I haven’t seen you in so long and now you’re acting like Yayoi.”

“You think I’m acting like Yayoi? I’m hurt,” you said. “Okay, then, you sensitive captain. How about we go get ice cream? My treat, since you got the position and all.”

“Okay,” he said. “But it’ll be my treat, not yours, because you came to my game and stayed the whole time. It was your good luck that helped me in the end.”

“Offering to pay for me? I suppose I shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth, so I’ll allow it this time. Anyways, I would’ve had to, because I just realized I left my wallet at home,” you said.

“Almost like you did that on purpose,” he mused, bumping your shoulder with his. “Was that your plan all along? Suggesting we get ice cream but forgetting to bring any money, so I had to cover for us both?”

“I see why your team members think you’re an asshole,” you said. “It’s a surprise, to be sure, but then again, maybe I should’ve seen it coming.”

“Who’s calling me an asshole?” he said. “How did you know that? I’m not! Whoever it is, they were making things up, because I’m — I’m super nice! Seriously, where did you hear that? Stop giggling and answer me!”

You extended your arm to run your fingers through his mussed up hair, smoothing it down as best as you could. “A magician never tells her secrets. Don’t worry about it and just tell me which flavor you’re getting.”

“The same as always, why?” he said.

“I want to decide whether I should steal some of it or not,” you said.

“You don’t have to steal it. I’ll share if you want some,” he said.

“It’s better if I’m doing something wrong. I think it adds to the flavor, or enhances it, or something,” you said. He considered this before nodding with the utmost of gravity.

“If that’s how it is, then you’re absolutely not allowed to even look at my ice cream. I’ll be, uh, super mad if you do,” he said, his glare so fearsome and dark that it skipped the realms of intimidation and landed squarely in the land of comedy.

“You’re the best,” you said.

“I do what I can,” he said. “Will you let me have some of yours?”

“Hm,” you said. “Fine, but only because I love you so much.”

He fought back a smile at that, staring directly ahead, the tendons of his hands flexing on the handlebars of your bike as you continued to walk along the empty sidewalk, the glowing sun in the distance a reminder of the many days exactly like this which you still had left to spend.

The break flew by so quickly it was almost more of a punishment than anything. About as soon as you had gotten settled back into a rhythm of spending your days with the Karasus and your evenings with your parents, it was time for you and Yayoi to return to Tokyo for your second year of college, as well as for Tabito to enter his final year of high school.

You took for granted that you would be back as soon as the first term ended, so when you boarded the train to Tokyo, you didn’t take the time to properly appreciate the place where you had grown up. The city where you had whiled away your idyllic childhood…you had considered it a guarantee that you’d return soon, so why would you linger? But a couple of weeks into your first term, you got news from your parents: your father’s job had, almost out of the blue, transferred him, and so they would be moving to nearby Kawasaki by the end of the month.

There was definitely a pro to having your parents at that distance — they were close enough that you could visit them whenever you wanted to, but far enough that you could justify not going if you were so inclined, and removed enough that your life still belonged to you and only you. Still, it was a little like having a rug pulled out from under you when you weren’t even aware you were standing on a rug in the first place; especially because you could not so much as help in the moving process, given that you were stuck at school and could make no excuse to go back home for such a long time.

The house they found in Kawasaki was in a good area, and though it was smaller than your old one, it was still airy and bright, with large windows and wooden floors and enough bedrooms that you could still have your own despite not living there full-time anymore. Your parents were actually glad for the reduced size, for it meant less emptiness, less cleaning to be done in places that never even got used or looked at.

When you went to visit during the first term break, it seemed like they really were happy there. Or perhaps they were just trying to convince you that this was for the best, that you should not be sad, but if that was so, then they shouldn’t have bothered. You were the one who had left first, who had gone to Tokyo to study and work. Of course it was more abrupt and final than you had wanted, but hadn’t this day always been looming on the horizon? Eventually, you would’ve stopped visiting so frequently, if at all. There was no reason to mourn the occurrence of an inevitability.

Besides the drama of your parents’ move, your second year was uneventful. You made even more friends than you had in your first year, and you still saw Yayoi as much as you could, although it was more difficult for the time being. Luckily, at this point you two had the kind of friendship wherein you picked up as if you had never been apart whenever you reunited, so you at least had that one constant in what sometimes felt like an ever-shifting life.

Around the time that your finals began, you received a text from Tabito, written in a formal language that was nothing like the messages full of abbreviations and emoticons that he generally sent you.

‘Hi, Y/N. I hope you’re doing well, and that your second year in university didn’t give you too much difficulty. I’m just reaching out to let you know that my graduation is next Friday. The ceremony starts at 6:30 in the evening, and I managed to reserve you a spot. The address and information is on the ticket — if you’re able to come, then I’d really appreciate it, but if not, then that’s totally okay. I just thought I should let you know.’

You stared at your phone, a sinking feeling in your stomach. No matter how much you wanted to go, you couldn’t. There were too many factors against it, and you felt horrible as you typed out your response. Any way you went about it came across as too harsh, but then again, was there even a gentle way to reject someone when they had come to you with something so important?

‘tabito!! i can’t believe you’re graduating already, wow!! i really would like to come, but i have a final that friday in the afternoon :( plus i don’t know if you heard or not but my family moved to kawasaki, so i wouldn’t really have anywhere to stay. thank you so much for inviting me though!! i’ll get yayoi to bring a cardboard cutout of me to put in my seat or something LOL. it’ll be just like the real thing!!!’

He responded almost immediately, and despite the effort he must’ve made to sound unaffected, he was obviously disappointed by the turn of events, his efforts at cheer only further highlighting that fact.

‘It’s okay, really! And thank you. Haha yes a Y/N cutout will have to be good enough then. Good luck on your final!’

The rest of the week, the unopened file from Tabito, which sat in your email inbox, tantalized you, and you found yourself obsessively checking the schedule of trains leaving Tokyo. There was one back to your hometown that would depart an hour after your exam was scheduled to end, and you refreshed it constantly, waiting to see if tickets would sell out. Once they were gone, it would give you an excuse not to buy them, but to your frustration, they never did.

You would have to run, and even then it wasn’t a guarantee you would make it, to the train or the graduation, but it was the best chance you had, and with every passing moment, it began to sound like more and more of a viable option.

On Thursday evening, when you once again checked the ticket site and noticed there were open seats, you bit your tongue to stop yourself from swearing, and then you entered your credit card information into the prompt. A minute later, you got a confirmation email, letting you know that your seat was booked for the next day. Burying your face in your hands, you inhaled deeply, vowing not to tell Tabito in case he got his hopes up for nothing. Breathing in and out through your nose once more, you straightened your back and opened up your textbook, returning to studying with a renewed vigor borne of the adrenaline rush which resulted from the impulsive decision.

If your professor found it odd that you came to the exam hall in formal clothes, with your hair done and an overnight bag over your shoulder, she did not say anything, only motioning for you to put your bag with the others and then handing you your paper.

Thankfully, you had studied through the year, and this exam was for one of your easier subjects, so it was a relative breeze. You finished with time to spare, leaving the hall with your things and walking to the train station without any worries except for what would happen once you reached your end destination.

The train ride was longer than you remembered, and by the time you were disembarking at the station closest to Tabito’s high school, it was already 6:00. You sprinted through the platform, calling out apologies as you ran into people or elbowed them out of the way, trying to get to the taxi area before anyone else could claim all of the available vehicles.

“Stop!” you shouted when the singular remaining taxi prepared to drive off to a different pick-up location. You must’ve looked a sight, chasing after a taxi by the train station, wearing a dress and heels, stumbling over your feet with your arm outstretched. “Hey, sir! Stop!”

By some miracle, he saw you through the rearview mirror and screeched to a halt. You opened the back door and dove in, scribbling down the address on a slip of paper and handing it to him, as was customary. Then, when he input the address into his GPS and accelerated onto the route, you leaned forward.

“Sir, I’ll tip you generously if you can get me there before 6:30,” you said.

“I will do my best, ma’am. Please hold on,” he said. That was all the warning you got before he stepped on the gas pedal, the car taking off at all but twice the speed of the surrounding traffic, leaving you to hold onto your seat as the scenery outside blurred into nothing but a smear of pinks and greens and browns.

He got you there at 6:27, which was too close for comfort but still earlier than should’ve been humanly possible, so you reached into your wallet and pulled out a wad of cash that was certainly more than you owed. Slapping it on the console, you mumbled out a thank you and ran off without waiting for a response, trying your best to remember the directions to the auditorium from the email Tabito had sent you.

“Do you have a ticket, miss?” the security guard waiting at the door to the auditorium said. You reached into your pocket and tried to unlock your phone; your slick fingers typed in the wrong password twice before it finally opened and you could brandish the file. He squinted at it before nodding and opening the door for you. “The ceremony has already begun, so please try not to make too much of a disturbance when you enter.”

Your shins and the balls of your feet ached from how much ground you had covered in your less-than-supportive footwear and the speed at which you had done so. Your shoulder, too, was sore under the strain of your bag, but you ignored these pains, counting down the rows and the seat numbers until you spotted the empty one that belonged to you. Squeezing past the others who had already taken their places, you collapsed in the cushioned chair, a sigh of relief escaping you when you saw that, though the ceremony was already underway, Tabito was still yet to go.

“Oh, hey, Y/N,” Yayoi said absentmindedly, for your seat was naturally beside hers. Then, like she had realized what she had said, her jaw dropped. “Y/N? I thought you couldn’t come!”

“Shh, he’s about to go,” you said. “I’ll explain later.”

If you had hesitated for even a minute at any point, you would’ve missed it, but by the grace of some universal power, you had made it into your seat right as Tabito stepped up to take his diploma. He scanned the crowd, much in the same way he did when he was playing soccer, but sadly instead of sharply, like he was aware that he was about to be disappointed yet knew he had to experience that disappointment first-hand regardless.

His eyes slid over everyone in the audience dismissively, but when they landed upon you, they paused, and though it was too far for you to see, you fancied they must’ve widened the slightest bit. Not enough for anyone else to make anything of it, but enough for you to know.

For an instant, everyone else disappeared. In that auditorium, there was only Tabito on the stage and you in the audience, his diploma slack in his grasp, your breaths still fast and uneven. And although there was a distance, and no small one at that, between you and him, it was as if you were right by his side, as if you could see every single emotion which flickered across his face. Shock. Disbelief. Wonder. Then, finally, a sheer, childish thing which could only be called joy — unabashed and whole and candid joy. He smiled in the way he only did for you, not for anyone else in the entire world, not smug and haughty but shy and sincere, and you could not help but smile as well, raising your hand and waving at him like he always did at you.

He was taken aback, but obviously delighted, and so, as the principal announced his name and read off his accomplishments while with the school, Tabito ignored the praise and the applause, focusing solely on returning your wave with one of his own.

“What are you doing here?” he said, sweeping you into a hug as soon as you had all left the auditorium and he had reunited with his family. “You said you couldn’t come!”

“I was wondering the same thing,” Yayoi said from where she was waiting at your side. “And Tabito, when you’re done showing your clearfavoritism, give me a high-five or something.”

He held onto you for a moment longer before letting go and high-fiving his sister, who was the only one that hadn’t been there for when Mr. and Mrs. Karasu, as well as Tabito and Yayoi’s grandmother, had taken teary eyed photos with him. She had instead stayed with you, telling you that you owed her an explanation and then jumping to another topic of conversation before you could give her one.

“There was a train from Tokyo which left an hour after my exam window ended,” you said. “I know you don’t like surprises, but I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to make it, so I didn’t want to tell you in advance in case things didn’t work out. As it is, I had to bribe the taxi driver to get me here from the station at highly illegal speeds, and with that, I only made it to the front of the building by 6:27. Honestly, I still can’t believe I got there before you went at all, but I’m so glad I did.”

“Me, too. You’re right that I don’t normally like surprises, but this one, I was really happy about, so it’s an exception,” Tabito said. Now that he was no longer under obligation to hang around with Yayoi, he was back at your side, playing with the zipper of your bag in fascination while you spoke.

“Me, three,” Yayoi said. “He was seriously depressed that you weren’t coming. The house was like a toxic wasteland the entire week. It’s going to be much safer and cleaner now.”

“Toxic wasteland?” you said.

“Yup, and the toxic waste himself is right next to you, so be careful,” she said.

“You’re so dramatic. It wasn’t like that,” Tabito said.

“Sure,” she said. “Yup. Totally wasn’t.”

“Why do you always do this?” he whined.

“Do what?” Yayoi said.

“Try to embarrass me whenever you can!” he said.

“Not like it’s possible for me to embarrass you in front of Y/N out of everyone. You do that all on your own, so there’s no way I can make things worse,” she said.

“Yayoi!” he snapped.

“Onto more pressing subjects,” you interjected before things could worsen. “Um. I do have a slight problem.”

“What is it?” Tabito said.

“I kind of came here on a whim, so I don’t really have anywhere to sleep, exactly,” you said. The siblings exchanged looks before Yayoi rolled her eyes and Tabito grabbed your bag from you.

“You’ll stay with us, of course,” Yayoi said.

“For as long as you want,” Tabito added. “Or as long as you can, actually. That’s better. Don’t leave until you absolutely have to.”

“We can put your bags in the car, and then we have to take pictures,” Yayoi said.

“I didn’t know you cared enough to want to commemorate my graduation,” Tabito said. Yayoi snorted.

“Nah, I just want to commemorate Y/N’s wild journey from Tokyo, and the fact that she magically got here on time. I don’t ever want to forget about that,” she said.

“I’d be offended, but actually, I’m in agreement. I can’t believe you bribed a taxi driver for me,” Tabito said.

“Ah, well, you know,” you said. “I just told him I’d tip him if he could get me there on time, and he did it.”

“You’re crazy,” he said affectionately.

“Totally,” Yayoi agreed.

“And aren’t you grateful for it?” you said, curling your fingers around his wrist and throwing the other arm around Yayoi’s shoulders, causing her to shoot you a mock-dirty look before she made herself comfortable against you.

“Yes,” Tabito said, his eyelashes brushing his cheeks when he lowered them bashfully, that same smile lighting up his face at the sensation of your fingers dancing over his veins. “I really am.”

The world was quite determined not to split you and the Karasus apart for very long. You learned that night that, along with getting into a prestigious college, Tabito had also been selected to join the Japanese U-20 soccer team. In order to balance his academics — he could’ve quit school entirely by this point if he so chose, but he was far too paranoid to not have a second option should his soccer career not take off — with the new demands of the team, he would be living in Tokyo with one of his new teammates, a boy he had never met but was supposedly named something along the lines of Eita Otoya.

His new place was somewhat close to your apartment; close was a subjective word, of course, but to you, when the weather was nice and you were in no rush to be anywhere or do anything, it was a perfectly walkable distance, and you told him you’d definitely show him and Otoya around once they were moved in and had a moment to spare for such a frivolous outing.

Between his practices and the increase in his workload, it seemed like you really might never see Tabito at all, however close you might’ve now been to him physically. Yet somehow, on a warm day at the brink of summer, he texted you asking if the offer was still on the table, and if so, could you please show him and Otoya a place to get good coffee, because the stuff they made with their Keurig machine wasn’t cutting it anymore. You laughed, responding that you’d be delighted to, and that you were free all weekend, with no qualms about dedicating a day solely to them.

Your first impression of Eita Otoya was that, next to Tabito, he had a delicate and pointed appeal to his pretty features. He was smaller than Tabito, and although there wasn’t an ounce of menace in the way he stood, all inviting and open and casual, there was a wolflike canniness to his green irises, which glimmered when he noticed you approaching.

Before Otoya could even say anything, Tabito had covered his mouth with a hand, glaring down at him in a manner which did not seem to entirely be in jest.

“No way,” he said. “Flirt with whoever else you want, but she and Yayoi are off limits.”

Otoya held his hands up in the air, his voice muffled by Tabito’s palm when he spoke. “Got it, dude. Plenty of other fish in the sea, right?”

“For you, yeah,” Tabito said. “Hi, Y/N.”

“Hi, Tabito,” you said. “And you must be Otoya? It’s nice to meet you. Tabito’s mentioned you a few times.”

“Hopefully he’s only said good things,” Otoya said, shaking your hand, careful to keep a cordial distance between you two.

“On the contrary, I’ve been led to believe you’re the devil incarnate,” you said.

“Really?” Otoya said.

“No, of course not. He’s only ever spoken highly of you. I was just joking,” you said.

“That’s a relief,” Otoya said. “It’d be awkward if you had a bad impression of me before we’d even met.”

“Did you really think I’d complain about you to her? I’m kind of hurt,” Tabito said.

“Look, you never know! Maybe that’s how you get your aggression out,” Otoya said.

“It’s not. If I had any aggression, I’d just yell at you yourself. I definitely wouldn’t burden her with any of your hypothetical nonsense, not in a million years,” Tabito said.

“Woah, didn’t realize we had a gentleman here,” Otoya said with a snicker. “Okay, then. Thanks for not talking shit about me behind my back.”

“Anytime,” Tabito said.

“Are you two done yet?” you said. “I don’t want the place to close before we get a spot.”

“Is it nearby?” Otoya said. “As long as it’s close, it doesn’t even matter if it’s expensive. I just need something better than those shitty convenience store Keurig packets Tabito’s been getting for us.”

“That’s the best I’ve been able to bring home at the random times you text me telling me we’re out! Sorry I don’t stop by a damn café after every morning practice,” Tabito said.

“This guy,” Otoya said, his voice dropping to a conspiratorial whisper. “Doesn’t understand the value of a good coffee one bit.”

“Not everyone has that touch,” you whispered back with a wink. “It’s alright. I won’t let you suffer any longer; the shop I’m taking you to is only a block away, and it’s relatively inexpensive — for the city, anyways. If you don’t know that it’s there, though, it’s easy to miss, so I don’t blame you for not seeing it.”

“My hero!” Otoya said. “Lead the way.”

You had discovered the small café entirely by accident during your first year in Tokyo. It was tucked away between a laundromat and a veterinary office, far from where one would expect a shop of its nature to be located, and although there was were always a couple of patrons scattered throughout the booths and tables, it was never bustling or crowded enough to take away from the cozy atmosphere.

Tabito held the door open for you, and consequently for Otoya, who followed after and inhaled deeply, clasping his hands together in awe.

“This is amazing,” he said. “L/N, you’re like an angel sent from heaven or something. I could fall to my knees and praise you with a sonnet right now, I’m that happy.”

“If you fall to your knees or do anything similarly stupid in front of her, I’ll show you why I made the U-20 team,” Tabito said, raising his leg in the air like he was threatening to kick Otoya.

“He was just joking around, Tabito, it’s not a big deal,” you said. Then, to Otoya: “You’re pretty funny, you know.”

“Thanks,” he said with a grin. “I try my best. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.”

“Mostly it doesn’t,” Tabito muttered under his breath. “Tell me your order, Y/N, and I’ll get it for you.”

“Oh, thanks!” you said, listing off your favorites from the cafe’s menu for him. He wrote it down on his phone, lines of concentration etched into his brow as he painstakingly typed out the entire order before showing it to you to confirm that it was correct.

“Can you get me their seasonal drink?” Otoya said, sliding into the seat across from you and peering up at Tabito, who was entirely unamused by the act. “That floral-type latte. It sounds sick.”

“Get it yourself,” Tabito said.

“Why? You’re going to be up there, so just order and let me get to know dear Miss L/N here,” Otoya said. Tabito seemed conflicted, but you nodded reassuringly at him.

“Fine, but you — you know the deal,” he said, brandishing his pointer finger at Otoya. “Don’t you dare mess with her.”

“You got it,” Otoya said with a double-thumbs-up.

“I’m sorry. He’s always been like that, but he really does mean well,” you said, gazing after Tabito once he had stomped away to the counter.

“Been like what?” Otoya said. “An asshole? Ah, but I’m only saying it affectionately, so please don’t tell him I called him that, or else you’ll cause problems where there aren’t any.”

“He’s sweet at heart,” you said. “I know how he can seem to other people, especially at first, but I met him when he was four years old, so I guess I never really saw that side of him. He’s never been anything but kind to me. I guess that’s all I’m trying to say.”

“You’ve known Karasu for that long?” Otoya said.

“Yup. Like I said, I’m not denying that he’s abrasive most of the time, but he’s only being so protective because he cares about his sister and I so very much. Please don’t take it personally. He’s just that type of younger sibling,” you said.

“Younger sibling?” Otoya repeated. “That’s how you see him, huh? I get it now. If that’s how things are, then I won’t butt in.”

“That’s how they are,” you said. For some reason, this caused him to laugh at you, but it was pitying and mocking and not a sound you preferred to hear from anyone — most certainly not from a person you had only just met.

“It’s always so complicated in life, huh? That’s why I never really try too hard. Problems get worse the more you think about them,” he said. It hardly counted as an explanation, but for some reason, you were sure that that was all you were going to get out of him. “Oh, shit!”

“What happened?” you said as, abruptly and without warning, he shot to his feet,

“I was supposed to work on a group presentation today,” he said, running a hand through his hair with a groan. “They just texted to confirm that we’re meeting in the library in fifteen minutes.”

“Can you make it on time?” you said. He was already typing the address of his school’s library into his GPS, and the instant it loaded, he nodded at you.

“I’ve got it, but I’m afraid I’ll have to head out right about now, or else this crazy girl in my group will kill me. Tell Karasu I’ll send him the money for my drink, and that he can enjoy it on me,” he said. “Poor guy needs it, I’m pretty sure.”

“It’ll be too sweet for him, but I’ll pass along the message, sure,” you said.

“Now, normally, this would be the part where I’d ask you for your number, but no matter how beautiful you are, I’m not willing to risk my living situation for you,” he said. “Karasu’s pretty cool, as far as roommates go. It could definitely be worse, so I’d really not like to lose him and end up with some weirdo who collects toenail clippings, just for flirting with the one girl that he declared off-limits.”

“His actual sister’s off-limits as well,” you reminded Otoya. “So that’s two.”

“He did say that, didn’t he? But you’re off-limits in a different way, and unless I want to end up like my own older sister, whose first-year roommate built a replica of the Taj Mahal from the hair she collected out of their drain, I’m going to respect that,” he said.

“That’s disgusting,” you said, too busy gagging at the mental image artwork he had just described to even question what else he was talking about. “Well, you should be off to your group project, then. I’m sure I’ll see you around, Otoya, but in case it’s not for a while, I’ll wish you luck with soccer and school now.”

“Thanks. The same to you, and I am eternally in your debt for showing me this place, so if you ever need something, let me know,” he said, scrambling hastily out of the café without bothering to push his chair back under the table.

Tabito returned a few seconds later, setting the tray of your drinks down on the table and taking his spot in the booth at your side. Handing you the cup that belonged to you, he sipped on his own and placed Otoya’s across from himself.

“Where’d Otoya go?” he said.

“He said something about working on a group project and left. Apparently, he’ll send you the money for the drink, and you’re free to do with it as you please,” you said. Tabito wrinkled his nose.

“He always gets such sweet shit. There’s no way I’m going to be able to drink that,” he said.

“That’s what I told him, but what other option is there? We can share so it isn’t wasted,” you said, taking a swig from Otoya’s flowery beverage. It wasn’t bad, and you had a little more before giving it to Tabito.

“Ugh,” he said. “Fine.”

He poked out his tongue, lapping up the tiniest droplet of coffee which lingered on the rim of the cup, and then he made a face, handing it back to you and then gulping down two mouthfuls of his own drink to wash out the taste.

“That bad?” you said.

“Tasted like shit,” he said. “I don’t know how the two of you can drink that kind of stuff regularly without gagging.”

“It’s not my favorite, but it’s not as horrible as you’re making it out to be,” you said.

“I can literally feel my arteries clogging as we speak,” he said.

“Since when did you start speaking like an old man?” you said. “What boy your age talks about his arteries clogging?”

“Firstly, I’m trying to become a professional athlete, so I have to pay careful attention to things like my health, and secondly, we’re not that far apart in age. We have to worry about the same things, like jobs and grades and clogged arteries. Concerns of that nature,” he said.

“I’m glad you feel that way, but why’d you think I was referring to people my own age when I said old man, hm?” you said, elbowing him in the ribs playfully. “For your information, I doubt any of my own classmates would care about that shit yet, either. That was a distinctly middle-aged thing of you to say.”

“That makes me older than you,” he said. “If I’m middle-aged and you’re still all youthful and whatnot, that is. How do you feel about that age gap? It’s a little racy, don’t you think?”

You gave him an incredulous look. He couldn’t even maintain his straight face for more than a second, immediately losing composure and snorting at you.

“You’re the worst,” you said.

“And you’re easy to tease,” he said. “I’m sorry, but I had to take the opportunity when it presented itself.”

“I’ll give it to you this once,” you said. “Next time, you’re not getting off so easily.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he said. “You’re all talk. I’m not scared one bit.”

“It’s not my fault you’re so adorable,” you said. “How am I supposed to stay mad when you look like you just watched a puppy die every time Yayoi yells at you?”

He scowled at you. “You’re making that up, aren’t you? Or is that how you actually see me?”

“Hm,” you said. “Let’s finish our drinks. They don’t taste as good if they’ve sat for too long.”

Huffing in exasperation but knowing that you’d not go into more detail once you’d changed the subject, he finished off what was left of his order in one fell swoop, and then he snatched Otoya’s drink from your hands, tossing it into the trashcan before you could so much as blink.

“Aw,” you said. “I feel bad. That’s how we’re responding to Otoya’s act of goodwill?”

“Forget about his goodwill,” Tabito said. “It’s not like he did it because of how magnanimous he is or anything. He’s just a dumbass who forgot that he had prior commitments.”

“Nothing like you, of course,” you said. “You’re always on time, and you only ever order the best of drinks.”

“Exactly,” he said firmly, leaving no room for argument — not that you would’ve argued with him, even if there was any cause to. Your father had always told you that generally, it was better to lose an argument than a loved one, and since the notion of losing Tabito was akin to a spear being driven into your heart, you did your best to avoid the chance of that frightful outcome ever occurring at all.

A few days before the end of the winter term, Yayoi called you in a flurrying panic. When you picked up, you were expecting her to be asking about the plans you had made for the road trip you two were taking, but it was nothing of the sort. Indeed, the first words out of her mouth were ones you had never once heard from her, and you almost dropped your phone the moment she said them.

“Y/N, I need your help. There’s this guy—”

“What?” you said. “Since when? What’s his name? Where did you meet him, and how? Why didn’t you tell me sooner? Is he handsome?”

“Oh my god, one question at a time!” she said. “Yes, he’s super handsome — actually, he’s a model, so it’s kind of a prerequisite. I’m telling you as it happens, so don’t think I’m keeping things from you! His name is Kenyu Yukimiya; he plays for the U-20 team with Tabito, and I met him when I went to one of their practices because I was bored. We spoke once, but I don’t think he remembers I exist, and even if he does, he probably considers me as nothing more than his teammate’s older sister.”

“Wait, U-20? Is he younger than us?” you said.

“Yes, he’s in Tabito’s year, though a couple of months older than him,” she said. “Do you think it’s weird? Oh, it’s totally weird, isn’t it? I’m a creep! I’m a stupid, ugly creep! Lock me away or turn me into the police or something!”

You cut her wailing off with a snicker. “Yayoi, relax. It’s not that weird, and I mean that honestly. It’s hardly even a two year difference, right? My own parents have a bigger age gap, and besides, you both are in pretty similar spots in life, so it shouldn’t be a problem, especially if he’s mature.”

“He seemed mature,” she said contemplatively. “He was super polite and kind when I spoke to him. Plus, unlike my stupid brother, he actually enjoys talking about the same things I do.”

“There you go, then,” you said. “You’re worrying for nothing. The only reason why anyone might say anything is because you’re older than him, but who cares about that? It’s a tired concept, the whole notion of the woman needing to be younger or smaller than her male partner or whatever. As long as he’s single and into you, I’d say you’re in the clear.”

“That’s what I actually called you to talk about!” Yayoi said. “You’ve had a boyfriend, so you know a little more than I do about this kind of thing. How am I supposed to get him to ask me out?”

“Just so you know, having had one boyfriend back in high school doesn’t exactly qualify me to give you advice,” you said. “Also, you can’t really get someone to ask you out. Why don’t you just go to another one of their practices and talk to him again once they’re done? If the conversation is flowing well, then you can ask him out yourself.”

“Um, that would be a great idea if I was brave enough to ask someone out,” she said. “Unfortunately, I definitely am not.”

“You don’t have to be all official and serious about it,” you said. “Don’t say you want to date or anything — ask him if he wants to hang out to continue the conversation at a later time, and then give him your number. That’s all. If he’s interested, he’ll call or text you to make plans, and if he’s not, then he won’t.”

“It’s that simple?” she said.

“I think it is,” you said. “I wouldn’t know from personal experience. Aoyama just asked me out. I never had to do anything.”

“Not all of us can be that lucky!” she said.

“Yeah, I get it. But I have confidence that you can pull it off! It’ll go great, and then you’ll actually be dating a model in Tokyo like you always said you would,” you said.

“Okay…” she said hesitantly. “Y/N?”

“Yayoi?” you said.

“Canyoucometothepracticewithme?” she said, all in one unintelligible breath. You furrowed your brow.

“Could you repeat that?” you said.

“Can you come to the practice with me?” she said. “I don’t think I’ll be able to do it without you pressuring me a bit.”

“Sure, why not?” you said. “Is it in the morning or evening?”

“They have evening practices on Tuesdays. I was thinking we could go to one of those? That’s what I did last time, so it’s an established thing, and anyways I don’t think I could wake up early enough to go to a morning practice,” she said.

“Okay, good, because I was kind of scared I’d have to be up before the sun. I’d do it for you, and in a heartbeat, but I wouldn’t exactly be happy about it,” you said.

“I wouldn’t, either,” she said. “This Tuesday, then? We can have an early dinner or late snack together before heading over.”

“I won’t miss it,” you promised. “Make sure you wear something nice!”

After your Tuesday classes and errands were completed, you met Yayoi at a restaurant you both liked so that you could quickly eat before leaving for the practice. She was nervous the entire way, twirling the ends of her hair around her finger, straightening her already-perfect clothes, and chewing on her lower lip.

“Hey,” you said as the two of you entered the stadium and sat on the first row of benches. “Don’t stress out. If he’s an asshole, we’ll sic Tabito on him. I bet he could beat your crush in a fight, easily.”

“I don’t know,” Yayoi groaned. “Yukimiya’s super tall, and he looks pretty built, too. I think my baby brother might be outmatched.”

“No way,” you said loyally. “I’d bet on him over anyone.”

She glanced at you out of the corner of her eye. “I wish I could have the same faith in him, but considering what a dumbass he typically is, I can’t say I can muster it up. Look, that’s Yukimiya. Still think Tabito’s got it in the bag?”

Discreetly, she pointed out a boy with wavy chestnut hair and an admittedly powerful build. He stood next to Otoya, which only threw it into further relief just how muscular and tall he was. Yayoi hadn’t been lying about that, and neither had she made up how good-looking he was; you could tell just from that first glance that he was heartbreakingly handsome.

“Well,” you said, realizing that maybe you had been a bit overconfident in Tabito’s abilities. But you were too stubborn to change your answer now, and besides, you believed in him no matter what, so you only shrugged. “Yes. Even if it looked like he’d lose for sure, I’d still pick him. There just isn’t anyone else I’d ever choose.”

“Damn,” Yayoi said. “Fine, then. If Yukimiya ends up being an asshole, we’ll see who wins.”

“Deal,” you said. “Although, hopefully it doesn’t come to that.”

“Hopefully,” she agreed.

The practice was long, dragging on past sunset, the field’s lights turning on to ward away the darkness as the moon crept higher into the sky. Yayoi, who had confessed that she hadn’t slept well the previous night, slumped against you and passed out almost immediately, and you busied yourself with a pattern of checking your phone and watching moths fly fruitlessly into the massive lamps.

Finally, the coach blew the whistle to signify the end of the practice, and as the players exited the field, walking past where you were conveniently seated, right by the joint entrance-exit, you shook Yayoi.

“There’s no way you’re in this deep of a sleep,” you hissed at her unmoving form.

“Y/N?” It was not Yayoi but someone else who said your name; namely, Tabito, who had paused in front of you and Yayoi to gaze at you questioningly. “Why are you at my practice?”

“Not now, Tabito,” you said dismissively. Noticing that Otoya and, more importantly, Yukimiya, flanked him, you doubled down on your efforts to wake Yayoi, who remained unresponsive. “You bitch. I bet you’re just pretending to sleep so you don’t have to go through with the plan.”

“Hey, L/N! It’s been a bit,” Otoya said. “I’ve been visiting the place you showed us almost daily. It’s wicked good. You’re the best for bringing us there.”

“Hi, Otoya,” you said. “Sure, anytime. I’m glad you’re enjoying it. Yayoi, if you won’t get up, I’ll just do it myself.”

Without waiting for her to respond, you stood up and bowed slightly at Yukimiya, who seemed entirely bemused by your odd actions. He glanced at both Otoya and Tabito for help, but neither of them had any clue what you were doing, either, so they could offer no assistance to him on that front.

“It’s nice to meet you. I hear your name is Kenyu Yukimiya?” you said.

“Yes, that’s correct,” he said. He had a pretty manner of speech, proper and refined, each word spoken with careful control. “Who might you be?”

“Y/N L/N, but that’s unimportant,” you said. “That’s Yayoi Karasu. She’s Tabito’s barely-older sister. You should talk to her.”

“Y/N!” Yayoi screeched, shooting up to a sitting position. “Why would you phrase it like that?”

“What is going on here?” Tabito said. Otoya shrugged, clearly lost as well.

“So you were faking it the entire time! Never in my life have I met a bigger coward,” you said, clicking your tongue in disappointment.

“Yayoi Karasu?” Yukimiya said. “Oh, I know you! You were here last week, right? We talked about Neon Genesis Evangelion.”

“That’s right! You, uh, remembered that?” Yayoi said. He beamed at her.

“How could I not? The movie is one of my favorites, and none of these guys like it, so it was great to meet someone else who’s seen it so many times,” Yukimiya said.

“Y/N,” Tabito whispered, sidling over to you, the tip of his sharp nose brushing against the shell of your ear. “Please tell me this isn’t what I think it is.”

“Depends,” you whispered back. “If you think this is your sister having a crush on your soccer teammate, then yeah, it is. Otherwise, no.”

“That’s gross,” Tabito said, horror twisting his features. “Yayoi and Yuki? No way. You have to be joking.”

“Why not? Because he’s younger than her? It’s only two years. That’s nothing,” you said. “You should be more supportive.”

“No,” he said, a peculiar edge to his voice. “No, I don’t — I don’t care about that part. I thought you might, but I don’t at all.”

“Huh? Why would I?” you said. “If they’re both interested in each other, and they make each other happy, that’s all that matters. We’re adults, so a few years here and there is meaningless in the grand scheme of things.”

“What about you? Would you ever do it?” he said, breathless and impatient, clenching the hem of your shirt in one fist.

“Date someone younger than me? I’m not sure. I’ve never really considered it; you’re the only one younger than me that I regularly interact with, and, well, you know. There’s a special consideration there. Why? Got a teammate you want to set me up with or something?” you said.

“Absolutely not,” he said, stepping away from you and scowling. “I’d never ever ever let one of those mediocre fucking idiots anywhere near you.”

“Just a hypothetical question, then? I suppose there’s no harm in that kind of thing every now and again. Was my response alright?” you said.

“How am I supposed to answer that?” he said tiredly. “It’s what you think, so obviously it’s fine. I should go now. I don’t want to keep Otoya waiting; he’ll get pissy and annoying if I do.”

“Oh, okay. Bye, Tabito! Let me know if you’re free sometime. I feel like I never see you, even though we’re all but neighbors. We should do something,” you said. The strange tone of the conversation had left you reeling, and you scrambled for something that would make it better, would chase away the anxiety constricting your lungs like a vice.

“I’ll let you know,” he said. It was a dull attempt at sounding excited, and for a brief, striking instant, you wanted to reach out and beg him to wait one second more. You wanted to apologize, though you knew not what you had even done. You wanted him to stay until he smiled at you again, the way he usually did, and then you wanted to — you wanted to — you weren’t sure. You weren’t sure what you would do after that, but you would do something, hold his hand or embrace him or something.

Yet instead, you did nothing, watching as he rejoined Otoya and entered the locker room without a backwards glance, leaving you standing by yourself in the bleachers, your heart hammering in your chest like a crow with clipped wings, thrashing against the bars of its steel cage in a futile attempt to escape.

“Can you believe it?” Yayoi said later. “He asked me out first! I didn’t even have to do anything!”

“Congratulations,” you said, as genuinely as you could. “I’m really happy for you, Yayoi. Fingers crossed that it all works out well. I’m sure it will; he seems like a really great guy, and you both were talking for a while, so you’re clearly compatible.”

“Thanks, I think so too!” she said before narrowing her eyes at you. “What’s up with you?”

“Nothing!” you said. She was so happy that you could not bear the thought of burdening her with your problems, especially when they weren’t even problems in the first place. Yayoi was having none of it, though, frowning at you.

“You can tell me,” she said. You shook your head, so she poked you in the forehead. “Tell me. Tell me. Tell me.”

She punctuated each utterance of the refrain with another poke, until finally you batted her hand away in exasperation “It really is nothing. I just think I did something to upset Tabito — don’t ask me what, because I don’t know — and it’s making me feel a bit out of sorts.”

“He’ll get over it. Why’re you worried? This isn’t unusual. He’s mad at me half of the time. If I felt out of sorts every time he threw a tantrum about something, I’d never feel in sorts,” she said.

“But he hardly ever gets mad at me,” you said.

“Right,” she said, her eyes glimmering. “I forgot the two of you were like that. Hm. I still think you shouldn’t worry too much. If he’s actually mad, which I honestly doubt, then he’ll get over it quickly enough. He’s not capable of staying angry at you for any length of time.”

“If you say so,” you said. “Let’s not talk about it anymore. We need to celebrate you finally saying yes to a guy that asked you out!”

Yayoi blushed but nodded. “Should we go for drinks?”

“It is a Tuesday,” you reminded her.

“Is that a no?” she said.

“It’s a yes,” you said.

“I knew I loved you for a reason,” she said.

“Just for that, you’re covering the tab,” you said. She winked at you.

“Already planning on it!”

The end of your time at university came almost as soon as the beginning had. It was bizarre, walking out of the familiar exam hall for the final time — you knew you had passed, and you already had a job lined up for you in a month’s time, so there wasn’t any cause to worry, and indeed you did not. You only felt odd and light, as if you were floating through the streets of Tokyo, ephemeral like an aluminum wrapper bouncing down the pavement in the wind.

Neither Yayoi nor Tabito could attend your graduation ceremony which was held that Friday; Yayoi had fallen deathly ill, so you had enlisted Yukimiya in keeping her at home, lest she sneak out and kill herself by trying to support you, and as for Tabito, he happened to have a final exam held at exactly the time of the ceremony, which meant he was automatically excluded from attending.

Your parents, as well as both sets of your grandparents, were in the audience, but it wasn’t the same. You couldn’t help yourself from searching for the Karasus, for Tabito in particular, but no matter how hard you searched, it didn’t matter. They weren’t there. He wasn’t there.

When the president of your college, a portly woman with pin-curled hair and red lipstick, handed you your degree, you were hesitant in taking it. Your smile plastered on, you stared towards the door as your fingers inched towards the fancy paper. Any moment now. He’d burst through the door the way you had, and he’d see you, and he’d smile and then wave — it was like a tradition at this point, wasn’t it? It had to happen. He had to come. You knew he wouldn’t, but you couldn’t stop a foolish anticipation from brewing in you as you waited.

Your hands reached the certificate. You held it in front of you as the cameras went off, finally turning away from the door and grinning wider, resolving not to let it ruin your mood. After all, you had worked so hard to achieve this. Why did it matter who was in the audience? It could be an audience of none, and you’d still be happy. You’d still be proud, for no other reason than because you had done it, because all of your hours of studying and classes and homework had finally paid off.

You ate dinner with your family, and then you were invited to go out to a nearby bar by a few of your college friends. Seeing your parents and grandparents to the train station, you rushed back to your apartment to get ready for the night, entirely ready to let loose after what felt like several years’ worth of burdens had just been knocked from your shoulders.

The bar was packed with students from your school, all of whom had had much the same idea as you and your friends. The bartenders were rushing back and forth, sliding drinks out with as much speed as was humanly possible, and before long you were sipping on something fizzy and fruity that one of your friends had handed you.

At some point, one of your classmates, a boy who you had never known particularly well but recognized for his distinctive voice, which could be heard from all corners of the city when he got to bragging about his father’s salary, announced that the rest of the night’s drinks were on him. If you were his father, you’d be furious at the offer, but as you weren’t his father, you took advantage of it with impudence, downing glass after glass of whatever the bartender gave you.

Soon enough, the music and lighting, which you had found so charming and delightful earlier, began to pound at your head. The world spun, not unpleasantly but still in a disorienting manner, and you stumbled towards the door, pulling out your phone and singing to yourself as you decided who you wanted to call.

The cool air of the night was refreshing against your face, and you leaned against the brick wall of the establishment as you squinted at the blinding light of your phone’s screen. You could barely make out the dark characters which stood out on the white background, and eventually you gave up, switching to the keypad and using muscle memory to type in the number your fingers had long ago memorized.

He didn’t pick up until the last ring, and his voice was groggy when he spoke. In the back of your mind, you felt guilty, for you recognized that he must’ve been sleeping, but for the most part you were far too elated to hear him speaking, so you could not bring yourself to be too sorry.

“Hello? Y/N?”

“Tabito,” you said, your words slurring together, dragging out at the ends and trailing into soft breaths. “Tabito, you didn’t come to my graduation.”

He sounded a lot more alert when he spoke next, but he did not change the volume of his voice from that low murmur any. “I told you I couldn’t. I had an exam, remember?”

You sniffed, blinking rapidly. “Yeah, I remember.”

“I’m really sorry I couldn’t make it,” he said. “You know I would’ve been there if I could’ve.”

“Can you come now?” you said, your lower lip trembling.

“Come where?” he said. There was a muffled sound that you assumed was him rolling out of his bed, and then the soft padding noise of his footsteps.

“The bar,” you said. At this point, irrational tears were welling in your eyes. You weren’t even sad, but you couldn’t stop them from rolling down your cheeks, leaving scalding trails in their wake.

“Are you out with your friends? Why do you want me there? Aren’t you celebrating?” he said.

“I don’t know,” you said, and then you were hiccuping as you cried in earnest. “I don’t know, Tabito, I just want you to be here.”

“Okay, okay,” he soothed you. “I just left my apartment. Is it the bar you and Yayoi like to go to? The one by the grocery store?”

“Yes,” you said.

“I’ll be there in a couple of minutes, and then we can decide what to do from there. Does that sound good?” he said.

“Mhm,” you said. “Are you going really fast? Tabito, you play soccer, right?”

“I do play soccer,” he said, sounding equal parts amused and concerned. “You come to watch my games sometimes. I like when you do that.”

“That means you must be fast,” you said. “Mega fast. Mega extra fast.”

“I’m only a little fast. Most of my teammates are faster,” he said.

“Ah,” you said. “But will you still be here super soon?”

“Yes, I’ll be there super soon,” he promised.

“Can you talk on the phone and walk at the same time?” you asked him.

“Well, I’m doing it at the moment, so yes, I’d assume so. Why do you ask?” he said.

“Isn’t that illegal?” you said.

“No, that’s for when you’re driving,” he said.

“Oh,” you said. “You don’t do that, do you?”

“I take the train or walk most places, so I don’t even have the opportunity to,” he said.

“But if you had to drive, you wouldn’t, right? Right, right?” you said.

“Right,” he said. “I’m just around the corner, so I’m going to hang up. Are you outside?”

“Next to the door,” you said.

“Don’t move,” he instructed you, and then he ended the call.

Before you could begin to wail about the abandonment, he was rounding the corner, looking so haphazard that, had you any more presence of mind, you’d have made fun of him for it. His hair stuck up in every which direction, like it had when he was younger and didn’t know how to style it, and he wore nothing but a random t-shirt thrown over a pair of plaid pajama pants, his feet shoved into the black Crocs that Yayoi had bought him as a gag gift last Christmas.

“Y/N! There you are,” he said, his shoulders slumping in relief as he pulled you into his arms. “Look, I’m with you now. Are you happy?”

You giggled. The world still rotated on an unidentifiable axis, but the firmness of Tabito’s grip had a kind of stabilizing effect, holding you in place and together and in one piece.

“Hi, baby,” you said. “Yes. So happy.”

“Baby?” he repeated, and based on the way his skin warmed, he must’ve been blushing.

“Look,” you said, reaching up so that you could play with the ends of his hair. “It’s like when you were a baby. When you were just little baby Tabito. That’s when I met you, you know.”

“I see,” he said, and there was a distinct yet inexplicable despondency to the way that the corners of his eyes crinkled and a muscle in his jaw twitched. “Do you want to go home now?”

“I wanna be with you,” you said.

“That’s fine,” he said, so patiently and tenderly that your head grew fuzzier and fuzzier with every word he spoke. “I’ll stay with you either way, but I think we should probably head back. How much have you had to drink?”

“Um…” you tried to recount what you had ingested, but it was all a blur. “I don’t remember.”

He rubbed the back of his hand against your cheek. “Let’s go home, then. You definitely shouldn’t have any more. Will you be alright if I go inside and tell your friends I’m taking you back?”

“Do you have to?” you said, catching his sleeve and holding it in between your hands. “Why can’t we just leave?”

“They’ll worry about you,” he said, prying your fingers off with the utmost of delicacy. “If you leave without letting them know, they might think something bad happened. I’ll explain what’s going on so they aren’t scared, and then we can head out. Does that make sense?”

“Hmm,” you said. “Only because you say so.”

He chuckled slightly. “That’s good. I’ll be back before you know it.”

You counted the seconds that he was gone, and before you reached the seventy-fifth, he was already back, his face flushed from the heat of the bar, his hair even wilder than earlier from the sweat and the humidity, a dusty footprint on his right shoe where someone must’ve accidentally stepped on him.

“I was expecting to have to convince them to let you go with me, but they were all alright with it,” he said, carefully taking your hand and leading you in the direction of the apartment.

“Sure they were,” you said, tripping over a loose stone, only avoiding face-planting because Tabito caught you with the reflexes of an athlete. “It’s because I talk about you so much.”

“Do you?” he said.

“Totally,” you said with a yawn. “All of my friends know about you and your soccer and your studies. I’m just soooo proud of you, so I mention it whenever you do something cool. Isn’t that what a normal elder-sister-figure would do?”

“Yayoi doesn’t,” he said.

“Yayoi is Yayoi,” you said.

“That doesn’t mean anything,” he said. “And it doesn’t change what I said.”

“Can you carry me?” you said when you almost stumbled and fell for the second time. “Tabito, it’s hard to walk, so can I please ride on your back the rest of the way?”

He exhaled but crouched, beckoning you forward. “If you really want.”

“Yay!” you said, leaping onto his broad back and clinging to his neck, his fingers digging into the flesh of your thighs as he supported you while continuing to walk. “You’re so big now. When did that happen? Have you always been like this? It’s almost as if you’re nearer to being a man than a child, but that’s impossible. You’re still young, aren’t you?”

“It’s not impossible; in fact, it’s the truth,” he said. “If only you ever looked at me and saw me for who I am, you’d have realized I’ve been like this for quite a while now.”

“What do you mean?” you said, resting your chin on his shoulder, closing your eyes, allowing the rhythm of his walk to lull you into a trance.

“It’s nothing,” he said. “Forget about it. We’re almost there. Are your keys in your purse?”

“Yup,” you said. “D’you want them now?”

“I’ll get them from you once we’re at the door,” he said. “Good thing you don’t have a roommate; I’m sure they’d be pissed off by you coming back so late, drunk out of your mind and with a random guy in tow.”

“You’re not a random guy,” you said, dropping the key to the complex in his waiting hand once the two of you reached the glass gate to the building. “If I had a roommate, they’d definitely know who you are. How could they not? You’re my Tabito.”

“Since when I have been your Tabito?” he said, unlocking the door and flicking your chin up playfully before returning his hand to holding up your leg. “I don’t think that I am.”

“Since always,” you said.

“Really? And does that mean you’re my Y/N?” he said, bending down so you could press the elevator button to take you to your floor.

“Yes,” you said. “For six years I did not know it, but ever since then I have been yours.”

“Well,” he said. “Is that how it is?”

“It is,” you said. He switched the lights in your apartment on and deposited you on the couch, heading to your kitchen and filling up a glass with water. Handing it to you, he sat at your side, bringing it to your lips so you could drink, not taking it away until you had drained the cup.

“Feeling better?” he said. “I’ll get you some crackers to eat.”

“Much better,” you said, chewing on the crackers while laying your head on his shoulder. “My stomach isn’t so queasy, and my vision is a lot more straight.”

“You’re talking more normally, too,” he noted. “At least, you sound a bit comprehensible. Want more water?”

“No,” you said. “I’m sleepy. Can we go to sleep now?”

“Here?” he said. “How about you change into your pajamas and wash your face first?”

“I’m too tired,” you said, yawning yet again to emphasize the point, nuzzling your face against the curve of his neck, your eyelashes crushing against his throat. “You’re so comfortable.”

“Thank you,” he said, patting you atop the head. “But you’ll feel horrible tomorrow morning if you don’t get in bed properly.”

“I’ll feel horrible either way,” you said. “I can’t do anything. We were partying for so long, and now I’m exhausted.”

“That’s true, but you’ll feel worse if you sleep here instead of in your room,” he said. “How about I help you?”

“You’ll help me?” you said.

“If you change your clothes, I’ll do everything else,” he promised, gently pushing you off of him and then standing so he could help you to your feet. “I just don’t want you to feel sick tomorrow, be all cramped up from sleeping in a weird spot, and get a break out on top of that.”

“I guess that’s fine,” you said with a dramatic exhale. “You’re so…so…what’s the word? You’re so persistent. Stubborn. Something like that.”

“People say that a lot,” he said.

“They call you an asshole a lot, too,” you said. “All of the time.”

“Yes,” he said, walking with you to your room, where your pajamas were folded at the foot of your bed. “I think I am one, at least a little bit. It’s impossible for me to be otherwise around mediocre people. I try to fix it, but it’s hard, you know.”

“I don’t think you are,” you said. “You’re the nicest person in the whole entire world. If you were an asshole, you wouldn’t treat me the way you do, but you do, which means you aren’t.”

“That’s because you’re special,” he said after a pause. “To me. And also in general.”

“What do you mean by that?” you said, but when you turned around, he had shut the door between you two, allowing you to change your clothes and him to avoid the question.

Only the thought of disappointing Tabito was enough to convince you to not collapse onto your inviting bed. Instead, you trudged towards the door, opening it and pouting at him, trying to beg with your eyes for him to allow you to go to sleep.

“Good job,” he said, ignoring your silent pleas and dragging you to the bathroom, where he sat you down on the edge of the bathtub. “Is this your makeup remover?”

He showed you the little tub of cold cream you kept next to your sink. You mumbled something generally affirmative, and he unscrewed it, kneeling beside you and massaging it onto your face, paying extra attention to your eyes, which was where most of your makeup was concentrated.

“Who taught you about all of this stuff?” you said, your eyes screwed shut as he used a clean, wet washcloth to remove the cleanser from your skin. “Do you have a secret girlfriend?”

“No girlfriends, secret or otherwise,” he said. “It’s all stuff Yayoi made me learn on pain of death. She refused to have a brother who didn’t know anything about proper skincare. It’s not like I do it all that much, but I’m aware of it thanks to her.”

“You’ve really never had a girlfriend?” you said. You supposed you had always been aware of that, but you had never really comprehended what it meant. How could it be that Tabito Karasu of all people had never even gone on a date?

“Nope,” he said. “Can I use this moisturizer on you? I’m sure you have a better routine normally, but it’ll probably be for the best if we skip steps for the sake of getting this done quickly.”

You cracked your eyes open and then nodded. “Yeah, that’s fine. Why?”

“Why what?” he said. The lotion was cold at first, but the circular motions of his fingers on your cheeks warmed it quickly enough that you didn’t even have time to be shocked by the temperature. It was soothing, a tingly sensation washing over you as he worked.

“Why haven’t you had a girlfriend?” you said, his fingertips gliding over your forehead.

“I guess I haven’t found the right person yet,” he said. “Or, no, that’s not it. I have found them. I found them a long time ago, but I don’t — I don’t think they wanted to be found. Not by me.”

“That can’t be true,” you said. “What kind of person wouldn’t want you? Who are you talking about, anyways?”

His thumb swiped over your lips, once and then twice, before coming to rest where they slightly parted. You waited, thinking he might move it, but he did not.

“What will it take?” he said. “For you to stop thinking of me as a child. What more can I do? Name it and I will. If it means you’ll stop thinking of me as your little brother, then I’ll do anything.”

“How else would I think of you?” you said. “You are like my—”

“Please,” he said, and it had been so very many years since you had heard him so distraught that you quieted immediately. “Please stop it. I don’t think of you like that, I don’t love you like that, so please stop it.”

Before you could respond, his mouth replaced his thumb against your own, and he was kissing you, cradling your head in his hands, his ardor winning out over his inexperience as he tried to impress upon you just how much he had wanted you, and for how long.

Unfathomably and without even realizing, you found yourself kissing him back, enjoying every demand he made of you and responding to them each in kind. Your hands wound around his neck and tangled in the hair at the nape of his neck, tugging on the silky, feathery strands, drawing a small whimper out of him as he wedged himself impossibly closer to you. Yet the sound broke you out of whatever daze you had fallen into, so, with a gasp, you ripped yourself away from him, resting your forehead at the dip of his collarbone as you tried to catch your breath.

“No,” you said. “No, I shouldn’t have — we shouldn’t have — you have to go.”

“Why not?” he said. “You said you shouldn’t have, but you did. Why do you wish you hadn’t?”

“You have to leave,” you said, and then you were crying again, soaking his shirt with your tears as the weight of what you had done began to smother you.

“Let go of me first,” he said. Your fingers, still in his hair, flexed but did not loosen. “Y/N. If you really want me to go, I’ll go, but you have to — you have to let go of me first. You have to be the one to do it.”

You wept harder, because you did not know how to let go of him, because you could not fathom doing it, but neither did you want him to let you go first. It was shameful and wrong, but the truth was that, more than anything, you wished for him to stay, to blot away your tears and lay you in your bed so you could sleep the entire night away.

Somehow, you found the strength in you to yank yourself away from him, all in one go. The moment they left him, it was as if your fingertips themselves mourned, aching to return to their rightful place, but instead of obliging, you used them to cover your eyes. Anything to avoid looking at him. Anything to avoid seeing the anguished expression that most certainly marred his features. Anything to avoid knowing that you were the one who had caused it.

You didn’t look up again until you heard the front door close, and then it was all you could do to turn off the bathroom lights and make it to your bed, crashing into the pillows and somehow managing to fall asleep.

As soon as Yayoi was feeling back to her usual self, you sent her a cryptic text essentially commanding her to meet you at your usual spot for food whenever she could. Thankfully, she recognized when you were having an actual problem versus when you just missed her, and she told you she was free that very evening, so you didn’t have to simmer in your thoughts for any longer than you already had.

“Your brother kissed me,” you said when you sat down across from her.

“Hello to you, too,” she said, closing her menu and setting it to the side. She had only even looked at it as a formality; both of you ordered the same thing every time, so opening the menu was meaningless at this point.

“Hello, Yayoi,” you said. “Tabito kissed me.”

“That’s what you wanted to talk about?” she guessed.

“Yes,” you said. “It happened the other night. I would’ve called you earlier, but you were sick, so I didn’t want to.”

“Alright. It’s a little awkward for me, considering he’s my brother and all, but I’ll set aside my biases and do my best. How do you feel right now?”

“I have no idea. How do you feel?” you said, perplexed by the lack of reaction she was displaying.

“Why would I feel anything?” she said.

“Because? Your best friend just told you that your little brother kissed her? Aren’t you mad?” you said.

“Not really,” she said. “I’m surprised it took him this long, honestly. Everyone knows he’s been in love with you for ages.”

“Everyone?” you said.

“Everyone,” she agreed. “Most of our friends, all of my family, both of your parents…he hasn’t really tried too hard to hide it. I’m pretty sure most of them think you like him, too, but I don’t want to make assumptions, which is why I’m asking you how you feel about it all.”

“How did I miss it?” you said. “I didn’t realize right up until — well, you know — that he liked me, let alone for so long.”

“Sometimes people only see what they think they see,” she said. “You thought Tabito would never like you, so that’s what you believed. But he could, and he did. Now what?”

“Now nothing!” you said. “What am I supposed to do, date him? That’s just wrong!”

“Why is it wrong?” she said. “By the way, I’m not all too invested in any particular outcome, just as long as you’re happy, so don’t think I’m trying to steer you towards any specific path. I just want you to be fully honest with yourself before you jump to making decisions about any of this.”

“Thanks,” you said. “Okay, well, first off, he’s your — you, as in my best friend — little brother.”

“Not yours, though,” she said.

“But as good as,” you said.

“I wouldn’t say so. You’ve never treated him like a sibling,” she said. “That’s not to say you don’t care about him, but it’s in a different way than a sister would.”

“He’s also younger than me,” you said.

“Yukimiya’s younger than I am, and we’re perfectly happy. Plus, you were the first to say that there weren’t any issues with that, so why’s it a problem now?” she said, raising an eyebrow at you.

“But that’s — that’s different! You met him only recently. I’ve known Tabito since we were little kids! Doesn’t that make it weird?” you said.

“People get married to their childhood friends all of the time. It’s not that unusual,” Yayoi said. “Is there anything else?”

“No, it’s just strange, that’s all!” you said. “You seriously don’t find it even a little odd?”

“I’ve had a lot longer to adjust to it than you have,” she said with a shrug, sipping on the soda she had ordered with her meal. “Let’s approach this in a different way. What about if you both were the same age, and you met later in life? In a university lecture or something. If that was the case, and he asked you out, would you say yes?”

“Absolutely,” you said without hesitation. “That was a stupid question. Who would say no? He’s smart, he’s good at pretty much everything, he’s sweet and funny and caring; additionally, from an objective standpoint, he’s incredibly attractive. I’d do everything I could to keep him if he happened to glance my way.”

“Even if he ended up being younger than you?” Yayoi said.

“Yes,” you said. “Yes, I — oh.”

She gave you a dull look. “Just so you know, that is not a sisterly way to view a guy.”

“I got that,” you said.

“Do you think maybe it’s possible that you’ve loved him too, almost the entire time?” she said. “Maybe even before you understood what it meant to love someone else? Back when sibling was the closest relationship to another kid that you, as an only child, could conceive of?”

“I guess that that — that’s definitely a possibility,” you said.

“It could be,” she said. “And then the notion of him being your ‘brother’ became so set in your mind that you couldn’t possibly think of him as anything else.”

“There’s a chance that that was what happened,” you said slowly. “But I don’t feel what I did for Aoyama when I look at Tabito. It’s something else entirely.”

“That doesn’t mean you don’t love Tabito,” Yayoi said, flagging down the waiter so you could pay for your food. “It just means you didn’t love Aoyama, or didn’t love him as much. Considering which one is still in your life and which one you haven’t spoken to in years, it’s not unlikely.”

“What do I do now, then?” you said.

“What do you want to do?” she said as the two of you exited the restaurant. “I’ll be your friend no matter what. In the end, it’s up to you.”

“I don’t want to lose him,” you said, suddenly terrified. “I won’t survive if I do. Yayoi, I don’t…”

“You can’t,” she reassured you. “If you haven’t lost him yet, then I don’t think it’s possible for you to. But you know, then, right? What’s next?”

“I do,” you said, taking out your phone and picking up speed, veering in a different direction, turning over your shoulder to shout back at her. “Thank you, Yayoi!”

“Good luck!” she shouted back as you took off at a run, holding your phone up to your ear.

“Otoya,” you said breathlessly, as soon as he picked up. “Otoya, is Tabito there?”

“Uh, Y/N? Yeah, Karasu’s cooking dinner, why?” he said. “You good?”

“I’m coming over,” you said. “Make sure he doesn’t go anywhere, and buzz me in when I get there. This is me calling in that favor you owe me, so do a good fucking job at it, okay?”

“Sure, I can, but why don’t you just ask him to do it directly?” he said.

“I don’t think he’ll pick up if I call him at the moment,” you said.

“Trouble in paradise? This is why I don’t do the whole ‘commitment’ gig. Too many complications,” Otoya said with a scoff. “Fine, I’ll help you, but only because — like you said — I owe you one, and because I’m going to evacuate the apartment as soon as you get here so I’m not caught in the crossfire.”

“Thank you,” you said. “That’s perfect. You rock.”

“Yup, you got it. See you.”

The elevator took too long, so after waiting for thirty seconds, you gave up and went for the stairs, taking them two at a time until you reached the floor that Tabito and Otoya lived on. Then you knocked on the door, waiting with crossed arms until it swung open and revealed Otoya, dressed in a pair of rubber-ducky boxers and nothing more.

“Well, that’s my cue,” he said when he saw it was you.

“Where are you even going to go, dressed like that?” you said, momentarily distracted by the outfit, which was all but offensive to the eye. Otoya winked at you.

“There’s plenty of people in this complex that would welcome me dressed like this,” he said, walking out with a devilish grin. “I’ll go see one of them.”

“You have fun,” you said, unable to do anything but shake your head at the rakish response.

“I definitely will. You…do your best with Karasu. He’s been kinda down, so it’d be great if you could fix him right up again, because his pasta tastes shitty when he’s in a bad mood,” he said, saluting at you before vanishing into the closing elevator.

“Who was at the door?” Tabito said. He wore the pale green apron with white polka dots you had loaned him and never asked for back, and there was a wooden spoon in his right hand, which he used to stir a pot of sauce. “Hello? Otoya? Was it one of your exes again or something? Dude, you’ve gotta stop giving them our address, this is the third time this month that some girl has come to harass you.”

You were still for a moment, standing in the doorway, watching the muscles of his back tighten and then relax as he finished mixing the sauce, setting the spoon down on its stand and putting the lid back on the pot.

“Damn, silent treatment? Was it that bad? It’s your own fault, you dumbass,” he said. “It’s not like I tell you to bring them over. You do that all on your own, and these are the consequences you face as a result. Don’t blame me for it.”

What would you even tell him? He turned the stove to simmer, and you opened your mouth before closing it. You had no idea what to say. You had no idea what was even going on in your mind — you had left Yayoi with such an urgency that you hadn’t had the time to organize your thoughts as you would’ve liked to before such an important moment.

He turned around while untying his apron, his mouth curved into a sneer as he prepared to taunt who he must’ve thought was Otoya messing with him. Yet when he realized it was you, his face fell, as if just by standing there you had reprimanded him harshly.

“Y/N,” he said. You wondered how he could do it, how he could bear to still say your name with the same affection as always. Why hadn’t he left you? Why hadn’t he given up a long time ago? What had you ever done to be worthy of this kind of loyalty? What had you ever done to deserve a person like him?

A lump swelled in your throat, and the harder you tried to swallow it down, the more your eyesight prickled and blurred, until you could hardly see anything at all. For a second you were frozen, and then vaguely you were aware of him taking a step towards you and your inhibitions were lost entirely.

Crossing the expanse of the small kitchen and casting yourself into his embrace, you clung to his neck, crying in earnest when he held onto you as if by instinct, because the way he clutched your waist felt like coming home. He felt like coming home. He felt like butterflies in the spring and leaves in the fall and ice cream in the summer and storms in the winter and every other little thing from your life which you could only ever associate with him.

“I love you,” you said. “I’m sorry, I love you, I love you so much I didn’t even realize it but I do now, I do, and I can finally see that I love you more than anything or anyone, Tabito, so please still love me back, please—”

“Shh,” he murmured, one of his hands moving up and down your back. “Don’t cry. There’s no reason to cry. Y/N, Y/N, don’t cry, I hate it when you cry.”

“I’m sorry,” you said again. “I was such a fool. I didn’t comprehend it, any of it, because I’ve loved you since before I understood what the word love meant.”

He kissed your forehead, your cheeks, the tip of your nose, over and over until your tears abated, and only then did he speak.

“I’ve loved you for longer,” he said. “I loved you before I even knew you.”

“And do you still?” you said.

“Yes,” he said. “I couldn’t stop so quickly.”

“Don’t ever stop,” you said. “But if you do, if you must, then keep it to yourself. I want to at least imagine that you’ll keep loving me for — for a long time.

“Oh, Y/N,” he said. “You don’t have to imagine that. I’ll love you forever if you want it.”

“I do,” you said. “I do want it.”

His lips ghosted along your temple as he smiled. Then, right before they fit against your own, he murmured: “Then that’s what I’ll do.”

Though you had neither reason nor proof, you found that, wholeheartedly and fully, with all that you were, you believed him.

#karasu x reader #karasu x y/n #karasu x you #karasu tabito #bllk x reader #bllk #blue lock #reader insert #best friend’s brother au #best friend’s brother fic #m1ckeyb3rry writes

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jariten · 1 month ago

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Roundup-catch up: October 2024!!

Sooooo close to catching up now. October I was just trying to get through it but as always gotta make the time to read.

Z-chan by Shingo Iguchi I first learned about in the book Dream Land Japan by Frederick L Schodt. A lot of the works he highlighted in that book actually remain untranslated or only got one recently (I had actually forgotten he did a spotlight on Murasaki Yamada!) Z-Chan was one of the works that got a spotlight, having initially run in Garo as part of a larger multimedia arts project by Iguchi. The surreal story of Z-Chan and the mouse Richard Sex operates on multiple levels and parallel worlds with with a serialized novella about the little gnome people with colored hats who live in parallel to Z-Chan inserted between or on top of the manga itself. A really beautiful and innovative use of the comic form, with an ending that will stick with me for a long time going forward. The Lotus edition which I read is to my knowledge the "complete" version including the appearance of the bear named Baron.

Otaku Vampire's Love Bite by Julietta Suzuki just strted its english language run. And while it isn't a high school romance but made me remember how I don't really have any fantasy romcoms in my life right now so its a beyond welcome presence. I feel like I'm in good hands with Julietta Suzuki, Kamisama Kiss was very formative for me but I didn't keep up with any of her follow up work. I really like the art style she's adopted now and the humor and clashing personalities is just what I'm hoping for. Cynically though this opening volume is a rather interesting illustration on how participation in otaku culture is increasingly consumer oriented. So in volume 1 I'm like mister male lead not very taken by the titular otaku vampire's fannish behavior as must confide in all honesty, find it to be kinda sucker behavior to do what she does which is filling her home with the low effort plastic merch the animanga industry is pumping out in dizzying amounts but I'm hoping the later volumes will get more into the creative, social, or community building aspect of being a fan that I do find to be a more interesting angle to the culture. But its funny and I'm interested in seeing how her world of vampires will intersect with our world in the upcoming volumes.

Natsuko Taniguchi has been extremely productive these past few years and there's even more stuff from her back catalogue waiting for me. And she got 2 ongoing serials! The one I want to highlight (as I havent read the second yet lol) is Jaa Anta ga Tsukutte Miro yo (Well, Why Don't You Try Making It) is one young man with an outdated chauvinistic mindset getting knocked to the present day when his cute, diligent, master of his beloved high effort japanese style dishes, girlfriend of many years suddenly dumps him. Autopsying the corpse of his shattered relationship quickly reveals that he's nitpicky and thankless behavior did him no favors. Forced with the reality of the situation he realized he must change, bc no Reiwa era woman wants a man stuck in the chauvinist Shouwa era.

What I like is how its not just His story, but Hers as well. His ex girlfriend is herself unpacking the culture of the good and perfect woman that she had completely immersed herself in. Her hair and clothes never strayed off trend, she strictly monitored how she behaved in front of men so they wouldn't be put off by her, never got along with other women especially ones who were bad at performing like she did. But it all changes once a young woman with a flashy style and "alien" like hair color crashes into her world and makes it just a bit bigger. I didn't stress it in the last roundup but social commentary is on the trend alert for manga in the 2020s and I'm really looking forward to see where it will go.

Like I've talked about before about veterans who just really know what they're doing... Tennen Kokekko by Fusako Kuramochi was made when she was 20 years in the industry. By this point she's a very early adopter of digital tools for art and the way she draws is near unrecognizable from her work in the 70's-80's. I wish the bunko covers were less plain because ohhh my god. To see someone play with layouts, techniques, and form while telling a beautiful but complicated coming of age story that isn't just the young protagonists' story but the adults' as well. My mistake is not talking about this series as I was reading it bc now I'm just way too overwhelmed about what I want to say that I can't get anything out aside from gushing but this work truly is by someone who really polished their storytelling abilities and never stopped challenging themselves artistically. Might make a spotlight post because the live action movie being the only thing that made it over to the english language truly does make me feel like we've deprived of something. Ooooooor it will appear in the queue 🙂‍↕️

#just to be clear ive never been above buying those little knick knacks once in a blue moon #but i found the mass production of it nauseating bc its truly low effort shit thats going straight to landfills #truly low effort like im talking just slapping a screenshot on acrylic is the level of effort ive seen #recommendation corner #roundup #my scans #long post

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girlactionfigure · 2 years ago

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JEWS DON'T PROSELYTIZE

So let’s get onto the topic of Jews and proselytizing. It’s a topic that surprizes me when I reflect on how strongly I feel about it. I’ve noticed that others also feel very strongly about it. I wanted to unpack why it triggers something so powerful in me when I see Jews appearing to proselytize - that is - attempting to convert non-Jews to Judaism. It’s precisely because proselytizing is so alien to Jews in feeling and practice that I was struck by the posts of this online account:

Similar messaging even appeared on, (what presumably are), paid for adverts on roadside billboards:

Firstly, let’s not allow people of bad faith or bad intellect to pretend there’s some kind of anti-convert sentiment behind my reaction to this advert and my antipathy towards proselytizing. Converts are as Jewish as the prophets. My two favourite Jews in real life happen to be converts and they’ve enriched and deepened my relationship with my tribe.

The question is really one of how non-Jews come to Judaism.

As I understand it, converts are people who come to Judaism of their own volition. They are not caught by casting out a net as these billboards attempt. Following the compass of your own heart which points you towards the Jewish people is a beautiful power. The unique, organic footsteps that bring each convert to the true home of their soul are less likely to be reversed, retraced and tip-toed back out of than someone who was sold the religion as if it was a Subway sandwich. These are people who truly want to bind their destiny with us because they truly are us. Those who fall in love with Jews and convert before marriage have also experienced a calling of the soul - the organic flourishing of love within their heart.

None of these converts were cold-called by a telesalesman offering them an opportunity too good to be true. They weren’t cynically recruited as an exercise in numbers. They weren’t randomly solicited, persuaded, manipulated, hunted or worked upon - which is exactly what these billboards are doing. They are trying to manipulate and work on non-Jews in order persuade them to abandon who they are - as if whoever they are is inherently a lesser thing - and to become Jewish. These adverts are capitalism in action. They are as tawdry as an advert for Doritos. Surely advertising the Torah like it’s some cleaning product competing against other cleaning products is rank? And I write this as a secular Jew. If you want Judaism to compete in the marketplace like Kentucky Fried Chicken or Mountain Dew - then I think that cheapens and degrades what you’re “selling”.

Adverts also target our insecurity. The heart of advertising is to tell us we’re not good enough unless we own this product. You smell bad. You look ugly. You’re uninteresting. Firstly, a non-Jew is as perfect as a Jew. They don’t have to become Jewish to have value - and Jews don’t need others to become Jewish for our tribe to have value. We don’t need to be validated by getting non-Jews to join us. Secondly: I think it’s irresponsible and distasteful for Judaism to proselytise as it risks taking advantage of the weak and vulnerable. If someone succumbs to your idealistic sales pitch when not at their best - you’re inflicting a lot of damage if they decide it’s not for them in the future. Someone extricating themself from a religion they adopted whilst in a bad place is more emotionally complicated than someone trying out a hair product and deciding it’s not for them.

I also think we should be unashamed in saying it’s better to have quality over quantity. We don’t need members of the tribe just for the sake of it. In any venture in life, it’s better to have a small group of people whose hearts are truly into something than simply going for numbers. We have to ask the question: why proselytize in the first place? What’s the goal? We’re a tiny minority but our numbers are fairly stable. We’ve been around for thousands of years and aren’t going anywhere soon? Why proselytize? Why would we want to go out converting non-Jews? And why don’t we?

This leads to the most profound reason for not proselytising - one that’s important not just for the Jews - but for the world at large.

Jews choosing not to proselytize is the most beautiful rejection of an anti-totalitarian instinct. We don’t proselytize precisely because we’re not trying to take over the world. We just want a small corner of it where we can be free. And we’re happy for others to be free. We’ll mix and get on with everyone and participate fully in the world. But we’d be awfully unhappy if people didn’t accept us as we are and tried to stop us being Jews. We hope that everyone else mixes, interacts and participates as fully as they want to with the world. But we don’t think they should have to stop being themselves to do so.

Whether people like it or not there’s a totalitarian instinct ingrained in the act of proselytizing. And it’s not just confined to spiritual faith groups. Political sects such as communism are also on a mission to convert people.

The starting point and end goal of those who proselytize is thus: if everyone is the same then the world will be a good place. If everyone accepts Jesus there will be heaven on earth. If everyone accepts the prophet Muhammed there will be peace. If everyone accepts the teachings of Marx there will be utopia.

By NOT proselytizing, Judaism communicates that people can be different and the world can still be a good place. We don’t all have to think the same. We don’t have to dress the same. We don’t have to pray to the same God. We don’t need to dominate others and turn them into us. People are allowed to be different. It is the most profound example of live and let live in action. It is a rejection of mass uniformity and global group think. Jews - with their passionately held convictions and belief they possess certain truths - are not trying to force it on others.

We need to absorb how revolutionary and powerful this concept is. To have ideas you cherish and believe are life enhancing - and to be able to enjoy them without trying to force them on others. It is bizarre that some people’s enjoyment of a thing is reduced if other people aren’t enjoying it too. To then go out and try to convert others by persuasion or the sword is an insane level of insecurity.

Proselytizing is not just questionable because it leads harassment, bullying and domination - the goal of global group think would be awful if achieved. A healthy nation, a healthy civilisation, a healthy planet will venerate difference - not domination. The friction of different perspectives is absolutely essential for human vitality and progress.

So I honestly don’t know what the people who post materials that stray into proselytizing are playing at. Converts will come - as they do and as they always have done. And they are among the best of us. But going out hunting them isn’t bringing something to Judaism. It’s taking something away.

Anyway, it doesn’t affect me - I worship Zeus.

Only joking.

Thanks for reading. I hope I’ve converted you to the beauty of accepting converts without actively trying to convert people.

Sending love to all Jews who are beautiful and perfect as Jews - and love to all non-Jews who are beautiful and perfect as non-Jews.

Once again, if you think my articles are welcome contributions to ongoing debates and have some value, please do subscribe:

LEE KERN

#Judaism #Proselytize #Jewish #converts

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alyjojo · 2 years ago

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PAC - Your True Soulmate 😍

There is a LOT to unpack in this reading, we have 7 Piles to hopefully have a broad spectrum of different layers and personalities. I’m not personally a fan of small pile PACs like 3, it’s harder for me to resonate to when it’s so general, WHY make it easier? Go big or go home! Bahaha. I haven’t started yet, so by the end I’m sure I’ll regret this 😁 I’ve got color cards, charms, my new Creativity Oracle which I am just in love with, the whole shebang to get as many details as possible. Not everything will apply to any one person, so just take what resonates for you and leave the rest for whoever they’re for 🙏

Pile 1: Raindrops 🌧

4 Wands - Knight of Wands - Page of Coins

Regarding: 5 Pentacles

Dreaming Way: Dog rev & Ring

Oracles: Partnership, Push & Flash

Possible Signs: Taurus 💯, heavy fire 🔥 Capricorn/Aquarius with The World, Saturn & Star, Gemini with The Lovers, twice

Zodiac Message: North Node in Taurus

- Have faith in your beliefs by making the right connections.

- Do not worry about the costs of the idea in question.

- Now is the time to use the most direct way and get your ideas going.

Charms:

Bat 🦇 on Flash

Rocking Horse 🐴 on 5 Pentacles

Saturn 🪐 on The World

Diamond 💎 on Salmon Chairs

Key 🔑 on 4 Wands

Color Card: Salmon Chairs 🌷

“Come sit in my chair and feel my love”.

People, places and events are being drawn to you beyond your wildest imagination. Aim higher, for you will draw even greater experiences into your life. It is time to step up to the next level. All “things” are energy and will be drawn to you when you allow your energy to grow. The Salmon Chairs is being brought to you as a gift, to raise your faith and self esteem. It is a gentle and profound change in the way one relates to themselves, and the world. We create the life we feel we deserve. Often we feel we must do something to prepare, yet Salmon Chairs says “Stay in the light of truth, meditate, and relax - if you drink in the light and allow spiritual wealth, you will be surrounded by material wealth.” This is about subtle action, and receiving is an action. You are being told to sit still and receive the bounty that is coming to you. Salmon Chairs can also signify a love relationship in the wings, it’s your choice to receive it. It may also be a present relationship that’s moving to the next level, both spiritually and physically.

This person has very heavy Taurus energy in this reading. Even Salmon Chairs describes the energy of an Empress, which also applies to Taurus, and the North Node described here. This person will have been through some trauma or traumatizing experiences by the time you meet them. With all of the Knight and Page energy, you could meet them young, or they experienced a lot of pain while young, there’s definitely some level of trauma in this person. I kind of expected that sort of personality to come out when I chose the rainy picture, and you also may be able to relate to this person in that way. There is some level of abandonment and loss with them, they may have lost a parent, a friend, a child…can be literal or they can’t access them somehow or they may have abandoned their own child, maybe put one up for adoption or has gone through abortion due to xyz reasons. It happened to them or they did it themselves not fully aware, either can apply here. This can also just describe childhood trauma, but the rocking horse here points out a child specifically. It’s possible they’re taking care of an older child that’s lost a job, or they’re living with a child for that reason. Struggles are where they are when you meet them or a big part of who & where they are & have been.

It’s possible this person is divorced or separated from someone when you meet them. With Dog 🐶 being rev next to Ring 💍 it shows a lack of loyalty, not being able to be trusted or to trust someone else. Someone was not faithful, possibly them. They probably married very young, if married at all, rushed into it, and back out. It’s also possible they’ve done this to you, 2 Cups comes out with The Lovers, and The Star is here, there is definitely a Twin Flame dynamic with this person for someone. If so, they may have lost your trust in the past and it’s valid, but yes they are your soulmate and yes they’re coming back around. With North Node being Taurus, South Node would be Scorpio, whether that actually applies or not, it shows that while young there was more of a death & transformation dynamic to this person, disloyalty, lies, leaving things behind and avoiding the long term, future planning, or solid & stable connections. The path they’re heading towards is Taurus, stability, family, security, the home, long-term. It’s been a long process of maturing/healing for them, or will be.

These are lessons this person has to learn. With Bat 🦇 on Flash, they’ll be tapping into their intuition and may not be able to explain how they know something, but they’ll know. You may move very quickly with this person, moving in together very soon, possibly even getting engaged quickly as well. The Key being on 4 Wands can be a home, it’s like once this person knows what they want, there’s NO stopping them. Diamond 💎 on Salmon Chairs shows them as receiving bounty, money, being very successful, which is something new to them and there could be traumas relating to that too, that are healing over time. They have regrets about the past, whether they did things or had things happen to them, they aren’t totally healed when you come in but they’re heading in the right direction. There is something here about them holding back where their dreams are concerned, you could be helping them “push” towards that too, or you inspire them to take action.

Pile 2: Sunset 🌅

Ace of Pentacles rev - 4 Wands - Ace of Cups

Regarding: The World

Dreaming Way: Clover & Mountain

Oracles: Accomplishment, Secrets & Recycle

Possible Signs: Sagittarius 💯 Pisces, Capricorn & Scorpio

Zodiac Message:

Sun - Sagittarius - 9th House

- The creation of insights to understand spiritual values.

- The gaining of respect for or from the wisdom of long-range thinking or travel.

- Things brought to life or light resulting from the understanding of what is to be shared.

Charms:

Starfish ⭐️ on Wheel of Fortune rev

Sword 🗡 on Ace of Pentacles rev

Axe 🪓 on 7 Cups

Card Guard ❤️ on Knight of Wands

Sagittarius ♐️ on Sagittarius 💯

Rose 🌹 on Recycle

Color Card: Charmaine Chartreuse 🗣

“I never met a person I didn’t like.”

Charmaine Chartreuse suggests you begin finding the good in others. So much is lost when we do not appreciate those around us, for we lose the wonderful gifts of who they are. Appreciating differences will enrich your present situation. This can be a warning that you’ll lose a valued relationship if you do not appreciate what you have. Thinking the best of another person is more powerful than putting them down. Do not attempt to choose sides. Getting others to agree with you that someone else is wrong will also backfire, you may find yourself alone if you are not thoughtful. Wasting energy focusing on something you shouldn’t is also denoted here. Gossip is an indication you’re not focusing on your own life. What we think may not be the truth of the matter. Be aware now of how you speak of another, for the things you say will come back to you at this time. “Doing your own thing” may leave you lonely, and an aloof attitude may lead others to believe you don’t like them, when that isn’t true. If you’re feeling cut-off, consider that others may be waiting for you, and take a cue from Charmaine, being kind is called for from you, even if others are behaving in an inappropriate way.

This person is so clearly Sagittarius in energy that I’m kinda shocked to be honest. I knew that just with the tarot, three Sag cards, then came the zodiac message of the SUN in Sag and in Sag’s natural ruling house no less, and to top it all off, a Sag charm just in case anyone was confused 🤣 OK THEN. A major Sag placement 💯 There are other signs here, definitely more subtle, but this person *embodies* Sag energy in some way. I did notice Pisces here, slightly, but especially in this recycle card, the imagery is a Bird in the Sky and a Fish in the Sea, and I immediately thought of one of my favorite movies of all time, Ever After 🥰, and the line “A bird may love a fish sir, but where would they live?” It could be you that has Pisces placements, for some of you anyway. If not those specific signs, then the dynamic of one person initially doesn’t put many boundaries or standards in the first place, and the other person doesn’t know how to respect them even if there were, makes light of them or turns it into a joke. Initially.

This person pisses you off. You’ve wasted a lot of time on them, or you feel like you have. If they’ve tried to get at you before, you could feel they have, because forget it. In typical (not all) Sagittarian fashion, this is a typical (not all) “fkboy/girl” personality. They’re definitely a wanderer, they’ve traveled around a lot with whatever it is they do, maybe with their family. They could be foreign to you, a different skin color, nationality, speak a different language, something about them could be in stark contrast to whatever you are, which is something Sagittarius and the 9th rules. Culture! Long distances. Foreign contacts. If they’re not a Sag they could just be different. There is a feeling of freedom with this person, they won’t be tied down, no one has managed to…until you, and it won’t be easy. Or hasn’t been. One way you’ll know who this is, you’ve had to let them go before, or you did because you simply weren’t interested in all this.

Eight of Cups rev shows them making a return to your life, could be because they’ve lost a job, a home, an opportunity of some kind that’s out of their control (or destined). Wheel of Fortune rev can show bad luck, but they’ve got Clover here showing that’s not a regular thing and may be a destined/karmic event of some kind. Probably to get to you! Whatever *your* energy is, you don’t take this person at all seriously, they’re like a thorn in your side and you don’t trust them as far as you could throw them. Justifiably. But the passion is LIT 🔥 and the emotions are there, you want this person to BE trustworthy. This whole reading shows it takes effort, they’re a bit of a “project” emotionally and love is not really their forte, but they are your soulmate. They may have never even really been in love before you, or at least not in any similar sort of way. Love as a whole is not their first language.

Axe on 7 Cups is cutting off all of these other options they may have, ex’s that are “friends” or former flirty options, FWB’s, that sort of thing. The cute little Card Soldier on Knight of Wands is you having to be like absolutely not, you’re setting boundaries, and you’re not about to let this person near you period on some player bs. It turns them on, they like your boundaries, they aren’t threatened by your standards, it’s like a challenge to them & they know you’re right. Which is appealing, no? This person is going to change for you, or grow up more like. Maybe not the first time you interact with them, with there being an energy of “coming back”, but whenever they do, they’re ready for you to set your terms so they can follow along. It seems like they will only want you.

With Clover & Mountain this person could be pretty earthy and practical along with all of their natural luck, they are very clever at getting over or through issues that seem insurmountable, nothing seems to get them down or knock them out for too long, they’re a “winner” type of personality. Accomplishment reinforces that message, they could have several. Secrets feels more like past things they don’t want to talk about, not necessarily secrets *from* you. They’re just not interested in past stuff, they let it go so you should too, to them. Rose 🌹 on Recycle is them having made mistakes, broken hearts, losing and winning and learning their lessons. Starfish ⭐️ shows regeneration on a situation or relationship gone sour, it will get better. GREEN dominates the reading visually, it’s a color of grounding & practicality, and there are many plants being shown which all show growth. They’ve made mistakes, they’re learning or have learned, and will be ready for you when the right time comes.

Pile 3: Classic 🤓

Page of Cups - 8 Cups - 8 Swords

Regarding: Justice

Dreaming Way: Fish & Mountain

Oracles: Timing, Reflection, Time

Possible Signs: Virgo, Cancer & Pisces likely, Leo & Capricorn possibly

Zodiac Message:

Jupiter - Cancer - 9th House

- Learn or teach your feelings as if it or they came from God.

- Be positive about attitudes from the past about the philosophies and laws involved.

- Grow and expand, use your intuition and do it in a big way.

Charms:

Dead Tree 🍂 on Demon Red Rainbow

Peace ☮️ on Justice

Stallion 🐎 on Mountain

Peridot 💚 on The High Priestess

Color Card: Demon Red Rainbow 👹

“The greatest adversary is the one living inside of me.”

If the Demon Red Rainbow speaks to you, it is an indication that you are starting to (or will) forge ahead on the path you have chosen. You are correct in thinking that this path is important. Demon Red Rainbow denotes miraculous changes which lay ahead but not without your dogged determination. If you are facing a hill that appears insurmountable, this card reminds us that most true adversaries are the ones inside of us. Life always turns for the better when we face our demons.

You are not to abandon your focus no matter what comes up. The direct route may be the best way to the other side of your fear. There is a crucial lesson here for us all. Know that Spirit always provides an ally when we face the Demon Red Rainbow. It will be clear to you who they are. You need not face anything alone. Spirit has chosen a very powerful lesson for you so that you may teach others what you have learned. A gift of this kind is never given without our ability to use it.

I was afraid of this one coming out, and with the classic image too ha, surprise! We follow no preconceived stereotype here, this person is the mess, at least out of the three done so far. And any of you dealing with them are a saint. Or maybe a Cancer, that’s the only sign that might put up with it 🤦‍♀️ No offense, it’s saintly in its’ sacrifice. For some of you, this person is locked up, in jail, for who knows how long? You might. For others, this person is a train wreck you’ve had to separate yourself from. Demon Red Rainbow comes out to show they are their own worst enemy, and the “dead” tree charm shows that so long as they’re standing in their own way, there can’t and won’t be any growth in this person. Mountain and Horse shows them as a wild personality, one that can’t be tamed or restrained, and they create their own Mountains, dig their own holes, which they later fall into and need help escaping. Presumably, from you. Similarly, the Fish next to this Mountain shows an addictive personality or someone who doesn’t know when to stop, they’re excessive with everything they do, however that applies to them.

The thing that will change this person, eventually, is probably spiritual in nature, but I don’t think you’ll have anything to do with this. And while this IS your soulmate, that’s what this reading is, this is the kind of personality that myself and literally any other tarot reader would tell you to just keep moving away from. There are other soulmates. Your personality and vibe is heavily that of a “fixer”, and these signs could even be your signs more than theirs. It honestly feels like a reading that is more “I see you & you are heard” but this person is a lot to deal with…

You cannot miss anything that is for you. Right now you are not speaking to that person and Justice is here showing it’s the right thing. They may have asked you to wait for them, or you’ve done this to them, and there is no energy of that happening. There is no progress, no movement, it’s very difficult and may last a very long time. Again for someone there’s an energy of actual prison time being done and if that’s the case, you’re not expected to wait. They did the crime, they serve the time, go live your life 🙏 ALL of their oracles are about time. And more time, and more time. The longer the two of you spend apart, the more they have to look at themselves in the mirror, reflect, and realize where they went wrong, how they need to change, all of the could’ve, should’ve, and would’ve energies that you need them to see.

They’re conflicted because there’s no communication. You’re conflicted over this same reason. Neither of you wants to be alone, but neither of you can grow how you need to without this separation. There is definitely a pull here, but the love is only a Page, it’s not the whole thing that you deserve. In time, they will heal, and change, and calm down. Mature. Grow up. In time they may be perfect for you, and this could definitely be a Twin Flame 🔥 sort of connection for those waiting around on the runner to stop running. Peace ☮️ on Justice is “someday”. 5 Wands with Justice is right now. When it comes to Twins I’m a fan of saying don’t wait, they’re a waste of time. It’s a cute dream, and a big maybe, but you’ve only got one life, many possible soulmates, and there’s always the chance of meeting someone brand new ❤️ As much as this person matches your heart & energy, only you match theirs too, it’s their loss. If you’ve picked another pile, please pay close attention to that one as well, from this point forward I’m calling this the “stagnant Twin pile”. Whoever you had in mind, whoever you know fits the bill. It’s a maybe, someday, if you still want it. IF. Yes they will change. With time. Time. Time. More time. Good grief. Lot of time. But so will you. How it stands right now, it’s like loving a wolf that means to bite your face off. You have to worry about you 💯 I hate that there’s a dud for an option, but some must need to see it, or it wouldn’t have come out.

Pile 4: Doorway 🚪

The High Priestess - Page of Wands - 9 Cups

Regarding: 4 Swords

Dreaming Way: Dog, Clouds, Snake

Oracles: Flash, Wish Granted, Truth

Possible Signs: Leo 💯 Sagittarius, Libra, Capricorn, possibly Pisces with 9 Cups and all of this moon energy, the dreamy vibe is strong

Zodiac Message:

Jupiter - Leo - 5th House

- Learn or teach leadership with the trust of a child.

- Be positive about the creativeness of fun, romance, and making art.

- Grow and expand, do what you want to, and do it dramatically.

Charms:

Fractal Moon 🌙 on Electric Blue Moon

Angel 😇 on Page of Wands

Leaf 🍁 on Truth

Pearl of Wisdom 🦪 on Ace of Swords

Sailboat ⛵️ on 6 Swords

Color Card: Electric Blue Moon 🌚:

“If I don’t take care of it, it’ll never happen.”

It is not time to force an issue. If something feels important to you, you may be jumping the gun. If you are impatient, you may block something wonderful from coming to you. Now is not the time for a rushed decision, even if you think you’ve given something “plenty” of time, give it more. You have made your needs known to Spirit, now leave it alone. If you try to force a situation, you may bind yourself to something you could come to know as a hinderance. Allow right action to happen in its own time.

Though Leo is the most obvious here, even with the oracles, it’s definitely muddied with water energy. Both 💯 The Moon is as magnified as The Sun. Actually more so, The Sun is reversed. This could be literally Leo with heavy 8th/12th House placements, especially The Sun, one that doesn’t “shine” so brightly because they’re very daydreamy and kind of lost in another plane, or very spiritual. Or have heavy watery placements. It may not be Leo at all and that sign is being shown as The Sun, this is this person’s identity & who they are. Leo shows up with the 5th House, it’s natural ruling house, showing this person as FUN, artistic, very creative, working with children possibly, regardless of sign. They’re not dumb, nor misguided, and they don’t need someone looking down on them. Who they’re meant to be IS a dreamer, a teacher, a spiritualist, possibly an artist, someone in the more creative fields. With Dog, Clouds, and Snake in that order, who they are is a very loyal, giving, loving, friend, a ride or die kind of person, they don’t see the dangers in other people, the “snakes”, and in this way their head is in the clouds. That’s where the Pisces energy is stemming from strongly, whether they actually have that or not, they are an idealist above anything else, but they’re not lost to reality either and with Ace of Swords are actually quite intelligent. Just not suspicious? They’ll protect someone else before themselves 💯 And because of that, are often taken advantage of, and it does not and will not change them.

This person has big dreams they don’t act on, and amazing abilities of manifestation that they don’t use. Not yet. They have many options and they know it, but they’re more of an indecisive type and aren’t in any rush with Temperance. This is a “create the vision in your head” sort of person, and while Page & Knight of Wands are both here, they do take action, it’s not until their vision is complete. Definitely an artist/creative mentality. With 4 Swords & The High Priestess, either you don’t yet know this person or you do but you don’t really talk to them. With 5th House being highlighted and a lot of this younger energy, 9 Cups, it’s possible this is a single parent or someone that has children already. Or that’s their job, maybe something they definitely want. 10 Pentacles being reversed here shows they are not a conservative sort of person, they don’t want traditional…anything. Marriage. Jobs. Life. It’s not their cup of tea 🍵 They could have already been there done that, and are divorced, or come from divorced parents that make them not interested.

That doesn’t mean they’re opposed to love, they’re just not someone that’s locked in a box and expected to stay there, they like to move around and explore their endless options. Again, a dreamer. They’re very excitable, probably love to travel, and their dreams are more important to them than any “relationship” though that isn’t to be mean at all, I get no “mean” vibes from this person, they would probably encourage everyone to do the same. You want to go to Europe? Go! They have an encouraging & supportive energy, a hype person, a loyal friend 💖 The only thing that holds them back is a lack of confidence, and putting in the work necessary to achieve whatever their dream is. I don’t get they’re afraid of work or don’t work, I think their dreams change before they get there, and they switch tracks a lot. Or talk themselves out of things. It could be other people around them put them down or talk them out of things too, which is difficult for a loyal person like this, they may be losing opportunities or sitting on them due to negative people with no creative vision telling them they “can’t” when they absolutely can. The Boat on 6 Swords can show travel as part of their dreams or this may be how you know/meet them, they may travel or move unexpectedly, more than once even with 2 Pentacles, they don’t tend to stay put, and again 10 Pentacles is rev, they’re not the type to even want to. There’s always more to see & do.

The Fractal Moon on Electric Blue Moon shows something is in motion where their dreams are concerned, maybe meeting you is part of that, but there are a lot of options and details involved in what they’re doing, many layers, as also shown by 7 Cups. They’re waiting for something, patiently. Leaf on Truth and Pearl of Wisdom on Ace of Swords are very similar, they can dream a dream and get lost in the practicalities or reality of taking action, that may be where they’re stuck right now, but both of these charms are encouraging, they’re getting somewhere with what they’re doing. Growing & learning 💯 Flash and Wish Granted are also very encouraging, they will be inspired or get their answers, and though things may seem like they take TIME, once it’s moving it’s like lightning. Stop. Stop. Wait. BANG, and they’re there, they’ve done it, and no one was even paying attention. That’s a Uranian/Aquarian quality which is here lightly, which would support a Leo rising, or Uranus may be a strong placement, or conjunct something strong in your own chart. They will surprise you.

Pile 5: Hands 🙌🏽

5 Cups - The Emperor - The Empress

Regarding: The Hierophant

Dreaming Way: Coffin, Bear, Scythe

Oracles: Innovation, Obstacles, Details

Possible Signs: Aries & Scorpio 💯 Leo, Libra, Virgo, Taurus & Pisces

Zodiac Message:

Mercury - Aries - 10th House

- The awareness of energies to meet the challenges of your destiny.

- Many thoughts about or from your desires regarding where you’re going.

- Many words resulting from the honesty and strengths of your career.

Charms:

Angel 😇 on Bahana Beige

Black Cross ✝️ on The Hierophant

Sword 🗡 The Emperor

Virgo ♍️ on The Empress

Starfish ⭐️ on 10th House

White Heart 🤍 on Knight of Cups

Axe 🪓 on The Hermit

Color Card: Bahana Beige 🎨

“I quietly listen, allowing you to color your own palate.”

If you are drawn to Bahana Beige, it is time to take an impartial look at your situation and drop the excuses. Your answers will come when you remain still. Take no action at this time. The action of Bahana Beige is to listen. Now is the time to consider the other side, because there may be some valuable insights in another point of view. This technique can help produce great strides in communication in your relationships. When we are fixed on a position (or opinion), we are not in the neutral space of Bahana Beige.

This is an opportunity to see who you are in a relationship. Ask yourself, “How does my present attitude or position serve me?” When you answer this question, you will begin to gain more insight into choosing what is for the highest good in any situation. Another way to position a question is in thinking from the other person’s point of view. Is there another way to see this situation? What do you see now?

This is a very difficult personality, but definitely worthwhile. They are very serious, intense even, in their seriousness, and STUBBORN. This by far is the broadest spectrum of signs and personalities, but Mars dominates, they are clearly the hardest workers, the strictly disciplined, the action takers 💯 This is a person who is either divorced when you meet them, married but on their way to divorce, or they’ve had pain in their life due to parental figures, possible divorce in that sense as well. The Emperor is highlighted in their own personality, and as someone demanding, dominating & commanding that’s *over* them in some way and has since been cut off. Probably a father figure. For some this is a job, not parents, and a boss that’s unfairly and suddenly cut them off or out. This person knows struggle and the need to stand up to some dominating person, whether at home or in career, and in some sense they also wear a mask of intimidating & dominating traits. A job is being highlighted as having some level of regeneration to it, with Starfish ⭐️ on 10th House, they could be shifting careers or someone that does this more than once, some of you could meet them at work, but career has been a struggle in its own way no matter what these Emperor/Empress energies are otherwise. Previous failures have left a bitter taste in their mouth.

But that is not who they are inside. They are disappointed by the hand life has dealt them, and they feel a sense of competition everywhere they go, again heavy Mars energy here. They’ve lost a few of those “competitions” and may have a large ego that kinda kicks them in the butt if they’re not careful. They tend to shift blame outward and skirt any accountability, even within reason. The most difficult thing about this person is the negativity in their perception. They do not compromise. Their way or the highway. Black Cross on The Hierophant, they’re probably an atheist, and could have very negative views on any number of things. Certain companies, marriage as a whole, spirituality, specific ways of doing things that are not in line with *their* beliefs…even if that is simply “how to cut an onion”, and it’s wrong but good luck telling them that. They will willingly DIE on a pretty stupid hill, even if they’re wrong. Fixed energy 💯 A lot of needless arguments accompany this person and it just depends on your own personality & story what those are. Part of them genuinely likes to fight. Good luck with that 😆🤦‍♀️

Underneath this person’s “tough” exterior is a big emotional baby, to put it bluntly. Not very “mature”, with ick emotions that accompany very negative beliefs and perceptions, they tend to overdramatize and their emotions spill out like a flood when they’re upset. But, as anger, not sadness. Again…Mars. This can really be any sign with heavy Mars energy tbh, that’s what I’m getting here. The positive side to that is when they’re sad, happy, angry, upset, they can’t hide it so there’s no question as to where others stand with them. 100% not a fake person, they don’t just slap on a smile because someone says so or expects one, no.

They’ve lost many people in their lives and are pretty closed off and Hermit-like in nature. They’ve experienced disappointments in all areas of life, work, love, family, friends, you name it & they’ve probably experienced it. Their perceptions of things are so negative because of this, and that’s something perhaps you will help to change. Bahana Beige shows Spirit working in their favor the most when they try to remain impartial. It’s like not even expecting a total change, just be open, that’s all that’s asked of them & they’re blessed. They get way too caught up in obstacles and details, their negative thinking tends to mess up their plans, not anything being actually “against them”. They envision roadblocks where there are none, and have very little if any faith. There is a lot of past pain in this person, and they’re also very nostalgic about happy times, friends, possibly ex lovers, childhood memories, they may romanticize how things were vs seeing the reality of the situations or how things have changed, maybe they just miss the old days in some way. It’s a process, but they may talk about these things at random, and those things are often on their mind. At heart, this person is deeply romantic and would like the fairy tale to exist how it should, it just hasn’t yet and they’re bitter. Their intentions are noble and pure, and they’ve got a heart of gold for the right person. Healing is a top priority for them. Or it needs to be.

Deep down, this person wants marriage, children, the perfect picture of how things “should be”, even down to the 1950’s style cards I’m using for this pile, that matches up perfectly. They see a picket fence and wonder why they don’t have the right person to fit this image. I don’t get a sense of illusions too much though, they just want their soulmate, but may be a bit of a perfectionist about ideals, they could need a dose of realism in that sense. It’s not 1950 so…within reason. For some, they may be very difficult to see as long term because they assume everything will end up like the past, so they push it away, and you’ll have to fight back in that sense, because you’re different. Once they find that right person for them, they’re very conservative, truthful, loving, romantic even, this is someone that expects to be courted or will court you “the right way”, very passionate and eager for love, they aren’t a game player and if/when they do love you this is one that lasts forever 🙏

Pile 6: Maze

6 Wands - Knight of Pentacles - 4 Wands

Regarding: Ace of Cups

Dreaming Way: Fox & Tree

Oracles: Intuition, Distractions, Success

Possible Signs: Aries, Gemini & Pisces, possible Taurus with Venus, 2nd House & Hierophant, but I’m definitely getting its more the behavior than actual signs with this one

Zodiac Message:

Venus - Aries - 2nd House

- Cherish your willpower patiently.

- Enjoy what you think you know about what you want.

- Charm, art, and beauty are the way to do it your own way and get what you need.

Charms:

Red Moon 🌙& Bad & Boujee 😈 on Gold Coins

Child 👦🏻 on 10 Cups

Black Clover 🍀 on Distractions

Rose 🌹 on 6 Wands

Bunny 🐰 on 4 Wands

Bicycle 🚲 on Aries

Dolphins 🐬 on 6 Swords

Telephone ☎️ on Page of Wands

Color Card: Gold Coins 💰

“I only seek to give you what you ask for.”

Gold Coins gently asks you to look at your relationship with money. Money doesn’t care where it goes. It naturally goes toward appreciation and gratitude. What we do with our own abundance makes the difference. Are you blaming something on money? Are you running from it? Be wary of using your financial situation as an excuse to avoid doing something you love to do. Are you questioning a relationship or career that is hitting a rocky time? It may be time to look for the good in it. Remember there are two sides to every coin. What you desire may currently be manifesting. Great riches are waiting for you to use them. You can ask the universe for riches or poverty, the universe doesn’t care, only you can change your inner experience. “Things” only hold value when we think they do. If there were no money, it didn’t exist, what else would you do? What else would you focus on?

Two things are possible with this person. One, they may be already married or otherwise involved when you meet them. Possibly have children. Two, if they’re not, then they definitely want a marriage & children. This is almost a wolf in sheep’s clothing, especially with Fox here, and it’s not so much in a mean, conniving sort of way, unless they had a whole other family before you…possible. They may play this role to someone else, for you. But for most it’s in a financial way. They are very romantic, clever, charming, madly in love with sweeping someone off of their feet, and they do put in a lot of effort to keep their relationships happy, passionate, and stable. But when it comes to money, this person is almost dangerous in how reckless they can be. Venus is in detriment in Aries, and being 2nd House is telling as well. It’s not a soft & loving kind of placement, it’s notorious for independence and selfishness, in this case when it comes to personal finances and the things they own. Like a home, which is highlighted with 4 Wands here.

Gold Coins highlights the relationship with money, this is a major downfall to this person. Red Moon and the Bad & Boujee bottle, along with the Black Clover 🍀 on Distractions all show stupid impulses, “standards”, possible major issues with money. This could be a gambling problem, definitely a spending problem whether it’s shoes, cars, hair products, I don’t know the what except that it’s excessive and can cause major problems in their life. Probably already has. Fox with Tree can show them being financially bamboozled by a clever salesman type, or they could be that to YOU, putting their health at risk even, or things like insurance, 401k, long term stability that they don’t consider due to the need for convenience, impatience, or satisfaction right NOW. It is only money they are this way with. That I can see. Having Fox here, they will not be open and up front about these issues but will skirt them at every opportunity. Taking accountability means change, which they don’t intend to do.

Knight of Pentacles does show them to be a hardworking person. Not rich, not poor, they earn everything they have. They could be a sucker for a quick scheme, and if that’s the case it’s literally never worked out for them, so idk what the temptation even is there. For a very slight few, it’s possible the ex was this way and took them for everything they had, or they lost everything in a separation. If so, even kids. There’s a possibility of their children living far away from them as well and only really communicating by telephone. They’re the type to not pay child support, cash under the table, scheme scheme scheme. Only take that if it resonates, it’s for those leaving a family, and for that story that’s exactly what they’ll do…but you get the repercussions of all that. If you do not yet know this person, they’re definitely not the type to initiate, you’ll have to show interest, Phone on Page of Wands shows them waiting not initiating, they’re not the type for it. Or the connection starts as messages, not in person.

If not a family then this person may have once lived or traveled somewhere by the sea, with Dolphins on 6 Swords, and they keep in contacts with the friends from wherever they once were, or maybe go back and visit every so often. Could be where the money goes, in part. Distractions has the Black Clover on it and feels more like destructive hobbies that cost a lot of money, keeps them from getting ahead, and blocks success that’s available for them and ready for the taking. If you two have children together, they are a very loving parent. While present. If they have kids far away, they just don’t have them and can’t see a way out of that situation. This is a person that has overcome many difficulties and continues growing, they’re not forever stuck, but they do take a very long time. Or their job is one that isn’t the greatest, but it’s reliable, and saving up for something significant takes a very long time, even longer because there’s always some nonsense or excuse as to why money is missing. They’re responsible with your heart, not so much your wallet. There is a part of them that comes out as a Fox, they manipulate when they feel there is no other way…and they are selfish when it comes to doing what they want and how…just be mindful of that 🙏

I don’t get the best or worst vibes from this person, they just need someone that’s on top of everything to flat out be like “no” when it’s necessary, them leading the troops probably isn’t the wisest idea. But they are supportive, very loving, loyal in love at least so far as I can tell. Money is the issue. Some of them just come with money issues, child support, debt, bad credit, things like that. And they have the potential for success, plenty of money, they just also have the potential to blow it all in one day too. They like fancy things, and love to spend spend spend. It’s part of the deal with them. They could have a gifts love language. You must be the sort of person that’s on top of things to attract someone like this. Or you’ll need to be, they’re a clever one.

Pile 7: New Life 🌱

Page of Cups - The Star - 9 Wands rev & 8 Wands

Regarding: Knight of Cups

Dreaming Way: Book, Tree, Mountain

Oracles: Nurture, Collaboration, Dream

Possible Signs: Pisces, Taurus, Virgo, Sagittarius & Aquarius, possibly Scorpio with Death & Topaz

Zodiac Message:

Uranus - Taurus - 7th House

- An unusual example of resources to maintain balance.

- A different way of looking at the practicality of cooperation.

- An unexpected change resulting from the productivity of your partner.

Charms:

Taurus ♉️ on Topaz

Dancer 💃 on Collaboration

Moulin Rouge 💋 and Bad & Boujee 😈 on Knight of Wands

Cupid 💘 on Temperance

Color Card: Topaz 💛

“If I seek peace, I must embrace my fears.”

Topaz speaks: “To be enlightened is to realize that to gain peace, fear in the heart must be faced.” If Topaz has come to you, he is telling you that it is time to stop talking about what you intend on doing. You must just do it. Things happen for us when we take action, which is the only way to break through what is holding us back. The change that is called for here is surrender, which is an action in itself. No great tasks were ever achieved easily. Remember we do a lot to avoid what we feel will hurt us; you must understand that the pain will recede if you face your fears, allowing you to walk through to the other side. Topaz whispers “Pray for guidance and you will be assisted.” Do not despair, for if Topaz has come to you, relief awaits. By facing your fears, peace and enlightenment will be your reward. That is the gift. All you need to do is ask.

This is a very loving person, romantic, soft, dreamy, emotional, and very partnership oriented, they could be the sort of person that has only ever worked within partnerships, whether that’s love, friendships, family, they’re a “group-minded” and close-knit kind of person with 7th House highlighted. They could have a dominant 7th, possibly with the Sun or Moon there. Taurus also is a very domestic and family oriented sign, whether it actually applies to their chart or not, they are your family person. Nurture shows a picture of a Native woman with a baby on her back, Collaboration shows a pair of people, 10 Cups and 10 Pentacles are here showing groups of very close knit people make them happiest. The group is everything, family is everything, and they are a nurturing & giving type of personality, regardless of gender. Possibly a parent already, if so it’s a defining factor in who they are, or that’s definitely something they want later on.

This person has been through some difficult times in regards to some level of toxicity whether at work or in their family. Could be both. Moulin Rouge and Bad & Boujee show those being along a sexual or provocative nature, there’s been Death & major transformations in themselves regarding this, and it could be any number of things, some very traumatizing. Hugs to them. They may not have been an angel at one time, either playing the field, working in toxic/sensual types of conditions, possible addictions, but have learned and sacrificed for the family, children, there is an energy of sacrifice here which would match all of the Pisces energy coming through, whether it literally applies to signs or not. This may be someone else entirely in their environment or past that had to go. Death is attached to all of these things, it’s in the past.

This person has a lot of healing to do, but they’re happy to do it, a more optimistic and happy personality for sure even with the struggles they’ve been through. They are mature in their energy with Temperance, and The Sun outshines any Moon confusion they may have once had, this is someone aware of their manifestations, where they’ve been, what they want, and where they’re going. All with a very happy energy with this Sun, and a romantic & dreamy outlook on life in general with Knight of Cups. Cupid on Temperance shows them as mature, patient, and very accepting or tolerant of the differences in people, they don’t seem to mind yours if you don’t mind theirs. A very peaceful energy, and not one to rush into things, which if Taurus applies, they rush for no one ever 😆

Taurus being on Topaz could show a person with both Taurus and Scorpio qualities, or possible oppositions like this in their chart that equal a balance in this person’s personality. They’re more patient, fluid, go with the flow, and less stubborn. They may have been hurt in the past, love wise, and you could surprise them because they weren’t looking when you found them, or they didn’t know what they wanted until they found you. It’s a very sweet energy with them.

With Book, Tree, and Mountain, they could be a book worm or an avid learner of all of the things, and what’s highlighted is health obstacles they may have had to face, however that may apply. Self help books, meditations, yoga, anger management or any number of peaceful mind/body tactics may be something they’re into. Tree also pertains to the environment, this could be a very environmentally conscious person, a vegan or vegetarian, a compost creating gardener type, something along those lines. Mountain describes obstacles they’ve faced or are currently dealing with, some may have a long term illness of some kind or some sort of routine to deal with a particular ailment of theirs, like physical therapy, or holistic medicine for example. That won’t apply everywhere, or in any specific way for the collective, just take it how it resonates for you.

Dancer 💃 is on Collaboration, that could be some way you know them, they like to dance or you do this together, maybe take classes, or they have. It’s highlighted with their creativity in a very fun way, and this person seems most focused on the fun of situations, especially in groups of people. The more the merrier!

#pick a card #PAC #soulmate #pick a pile #your true soulmate #zodiac sign #astrology #astroblr #march 2023

316 notes · View notes

jmflowers · 9 months ago

Note

MayaxCarina. Canon? Out and about. Calm. Casual intimacy. Soft. Really whatever else you want to add to that. I’ll take any crumb you offer from your nice brain. (Mighty one of the few real humans that is an adult and writes characters like real adult people) have a good night! Or whatever it is where you are in the world

You are very kind! I didn't always write with an understanding of real adult reactions and feelings, but thankfully I grew into an adult myself and that's made things a lot easier.

We're rocking canon-compliant with this one, with a dash of Big Feelings to go with all the soft and safe. Hopefully you're pleased with the outcome!

~~~

Liam had fallen asleep in the stroller before they’d even rounded the block, fresh air and the noises of their new neighbourhood lulling him into a much-needed calm. He sighs as they pass the sign and the newly-sprouting cherry blossom trees on their way into the park.

They’re all still adjusting to the new house. To the new commutes to work and the continuous unpacking of boxes and the proximity of new neighbours who wave across driveways as they arrive home each night.

It’s quaint, to find themselves fully submersed in the suburban life. To see kids riding their bikes along the sidewalk and hear dogs barking in nearby backyards.

Maya can only dream of what’s ahead: trick-or-treaters at Halloween and Christmas lights strung up at the holidays, Easter egg hunts in the backyard and fireworks on the 4th of July. There’s a whole community around them now, just waiting to be discovered.

Families with kids that Liam will grow up with, if they’re given the chance to adopt him.

The thought causes a familiar pang in her chest, the tug of a want so deep and so desperate it makes her gasp for breath in the middle of the night.

She instinctively reaches for Carina’s hand, lacing their fingers together to ground herself back into reality. They are together, now – all three of them. Liam is safe and happy and sleeping. In an hour, he will snuffle as he always does before he begins to cry, and his nose will scrunch the same as always when he accepts a bottle.

And Carina will smile that soft, loving smile that she reserves specifically for their son.

“We should plant some flowers in the yard,” Carina suggests, looking up at the burgeoning blooms on the trees overhead.

“Okay,” Maya agrees immediately, already picturing a sea of colour spread across the garden beds situated against the back fence. They’ll have to take a trip to the garden center – get some soil and some bulbs and maybe a few hanging planters for the front porch, too.

“Bambina,” Carina laughs, dragging her back into the present with a gentle tug on their joined hands. She’s getting even better at that, lately, recognizing when Maya’s fallen down a hole in her own thoughts.

It’s just another chapter of their relationship, Maya knows. The story they’d started building years ago, boxes spread about their shared apartment, conversations happening without any words at all. Carina can read the drift of her eyes, can spot the racing thoughts from a mile away.

“I love you,” Maya whispers, suddenly at a loss for anything else to say. It doesn’t feel like quite enough to explain the feelings swirling in her chest, but it makes Carina smile just the same.

“I love you, too,” Carina promises, leaning forward for a gentle kiss.

And somehow, that’s enough, too. The now, for a second, is plenty.

#living in the moment Maya Bishop??? we hope so #minefic #tumblr prompt party #prompt party #janelle's asks #anonymous #maya x carina fic #carina x maya fic #station 19 fic #canon compliant #didn't have a plan just went with that 'started writing had a break down bon appetit' vibe #except without the breakdown #I'm so much more productive re:writing when I can do little snippets in a space that is not my desk haha

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intermundia · 1 year ago

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As a queer person living in conservative, rural America, and as a Star Wars fan who posts about the Jedi Order, my thoughts are frequently turned to the concept of family, and what it means in different cultures. I’ve written a longish (1k words) post about this lmao, so I will put it beneath the cut, but it unpacks a lot of assumptions that are frequently made in discussion of the Jedi.

The ideology of the family where I live is closely related to patriarchy, individualism, and property rights. The narrative of the ideal family life is this: a man falls in love with a woman and courts her until she agrees to marriage. When they marry, they become one person, or rather the man acquires a helpmeet, and the woman legally loses her personhood, becoming Mr and Mrs X. She is now a larger part of the man’s personhood, and any children they have are also inside that umbrella. They are his property, not individuals in themselves. This is why conservatives resent public school and free access to information, as they are interfering with his right to maintain his property the way he wants them. Once the children are grown, the cycle continues, the son finding a wife, etc. That is a certain kind of ideal of society. The idea of sending a child to the church to be raised, is kind of like sending a valuable, heirloom cup to be used by the community, it’s hypothetically a meritorious sacrifice to god, but the cup still really belongs to the family. It belongs at home. If the child grows up to join the church, it’s something that happens later, during the transition from being property to being an individual.

This is not a universal or necessary mode of life.

In a different culture, where a child is born and is understood already to be a member of the wider community that is being raised by their parents, the idea of allowing an institution to adopt and take over raising the child is not a violation of some man’s property rights. In a culture where there is a temple that is an honorable place, where being a monk is a livelihood that is respected and important, something that parents would wish for their child to experience, it is more of a privilege to get your child into that place where they can become an important figure in the community. The parents would miss the child, that is universal, but there would also be a sense of relief for them, to know that they’ve gotten access to a stable future that they can be proud of, especially if they were in a situation where they couldn’t guarantee that child an equally stable and important future. With the force-gifted Jedi this is even more stark; their powers should be trained and directed for their own good too. Growing up communally at a temple is a different kind of family, where there is a sense of brother and sisterhood, with teachers and elders making up a dense web of social relationships. It is a different life, but not a worse one.

The conservative American ideology is something that I have felt my entire life to be very closed and full of the potential for abuse behind closed doors. A child is not a person and is not treated like one, and a wife is not a person either. The only individuals are the men who own these families. It’s a system that I yearn for relief and escape from, and so of course I am drawn to the Jedi, an imaginary culture that is based on real values held by real cultures outside of my own. I know there are places in the world where sending a child to the temple is an honorable and good thing. I know that the Jedi think of each other as family, it’s well attested in canon and legends content. It’s not abusive or wrong for those children to be raised in that communal culture, just because it’s different from the norms of individualistic, patriarchal values. Just because it’s different, doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Just like being a queer person, who doesn’t fit into the system of romantic pairing and nuclear families, being different doesn’t mean being wrong.

People raised with the conservative ideology think the absence of romantic love is inherently abusive, but if you were raised to prioritize other things, would you miss it as much as if you were raised to chase it? Is it not a worthy effort to dedicate your life to serving other people? It may be difficult, but it’s not a life without love. Jedi have romantic feelings, they’re not forbidden, but they are deprioritzed. It’s not the ultimate goal of life, but rather more of a distraction from a very noble duty. Many, many people in the world choose that path. The Jedi aren’t jailers, we have examples of people leaving when they couldn’t walk that path, but most stay, because they have an important role to play in the wider galaxy and a great use of their potential. Anakin wanted to stay so that he could have the status and power of a ranking member of the Jedi Order, but he also wanted to have private property, possessing other people and controlling their destiny. You can’t have both. I think the story of the prequels and the path of the Jedi are both fascinating because they push against the cultural norm toward romance and patriarchal individualism. It’s just nice to have something that says you can find home with friends and mentors, and meaning with duty and service. It’s important to me on a very personal level.

#jedi order #many thoughts #there are a lot of assumptions made in criticism of the order #which are based on cultural norms that i do not share #and sometimes find offensive #this goes into why

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astrangetorpedo · 9 months ago

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‘Media Is the Third Parent’: A Conversation With Lucy Dacus

by Justin Joffe | 2/22/17

The music that we love is an accumulation of narratives. The stories those songs tell, the memories they create for us and the truths that their writers have lived all become an important rubber band ball of context and experience, informing our connection to them in ways we don’t always immediately get.

So when a young artist emerges from the formless depths of adolescence near-fully formed, the narrative starts taking shape even before we understand it. Cries of nepotism, entitlement, and business collusion often drown out the true origin story of someone who takes to a big stage so all of a sudden, whether or not those cries have any merit. And in the case of Lucy Dacus, a 21-year old singer/songwriter from Richmond Virginia with a remarkably deep and powerful voice, no such assumptions about her recent ascension ring the least bit true.

Adopted at a young age and creatively nurtured by her piano-playing mother, Dacus’ musicality was embedded in her home life from the get go. Her debut, No Burden, was recorded by her guitarist Jacob Blizard as part of his winter project at music school Oberlin and released by hometown label EggHunt Records last February. Almost immediately, Dacus’ husky alto caught the attention of larger labels—over 20 of them—requiring her to take some time sifting through the muck and the mud, fielding offers and inquiries guided largely by her convictions and her gut.

Six months later she signed with venerable independent label Matador Records, and their reissue of Dacus’ No Burden last fall gave hope to this whole generation of self-starters. Dacus’ reverb-drenched, alt-country-dusted songs cut to the question of how an artist in the public eye can still live away from what Sartre called “the gaze of the other”, free from expectations of beauty or lapses in trust, living and working only by the standards they set for themselves.

We caught up over the phone to discuss what it means to take personal agency over your work in a time when art and politics seem pretty much inseparable.

How ya doin’?

Good, I’m in Canada! Hopefully my connection will be good, but if it starts to break up I’ll blame it on that.

So, were you looking at a hearse or a limousine? That lyric of yours reminds me of one of my favorite Leonard Cohen lyrics, “Thought I saw an eagle, but it might have been a vulture, never could decide.”

Yeah, that one’s really good.

Much of your album speaks to trust and navigating uncharted waters, but can you unpack that rhetorical question for me?

I guess the point of that song, “Troublemaker, Doppelganger” is trying to navigate the worth of beauty, and if it’s hurtful or helpful to value beauty. If it’s a curse or a blessing. Is that something really negative and morbid, like the hearse, or is it the limousine—a glamorous symbol of enjoying life?

I’m trying to connect how your interest in the aesthetic side of media, between your time in film school and your time as a photo editor, has informed your perspective on our habits of consumption and decision making. Is that something that weighs on your mind often?

Yeah! The media, and how we’re taught to read it, has a huge impact on who we become as people. When you’re a kid you learn whatever your parents think, until you start taking in media. Because all your friends are your age as well, media is the third parent that you ever have. So I think about that a lot, what visual imagery is teaching us, and media in general having a huge impact. But it’s ambiguous—if you haven’t learned the cultural symbolism where media is coming from, it can be really confusing.

You said that you felt this record was possible because you went into it without any expectations, during the writing and recording process. But the minute any work is released to the public, media expectations become imposed upon us. I guess it’s what Sartre called “the gaze of the other”. How do you keep that purity of intention during your process while operating inside someone else’s media infrastructure, an infrastructure that you didn’t build? It’s something I feel that you’re in a particularly great place to help us with.

[Laughs] A lot of the songs for the next record were actually written well before we spoke to a label or had any kind of coverage, so at least for the next record, I haven’t had to deal with that. But of course I’m still writing, and I think the biggest aspect of it that keeps me from catering to our current infrastructure is not trying to write. I don’t ever sit down and say, “OK, I need to write a song” or “I need to crank something out” or “I have to make something that will satisfy the people around me.” That’s never been a concern, I don’t think that should be a concern, and it means I maybe don’t write at a quick pace anymore, but everything that I do write is stuff that just comes to me the way any other thought does. So far it doesn’t feel like anything that I’ve written is compromised by the fact that we have a label now.

You’ve spoken about how you had to develop a bit more business acumen after this album was finished and you were shopping your project around a bit. Do you almost learn those things so that you can know when you don’t have to use them, in a way? When you don’t have to have your guard up with them?

Yeah, I really enjoy navigating the business aspect of having a band, and there is a great amount of instinct. You don’t wanna work with people who make you feel weird, even if they’re super qualified. You don’t want to feel like you’re being used by anybody, even though you are submitting to that in some way, in some mutual using of whoever you end up working with. But there’s a fine line that’s hard to describe between being taken advantage of and having a partnership. I feel like that might be different for everybody, but I would just suggest that anyone getting into this take their time and compare a lot of different companies or whatever you’re choosing. Be comparative about decision making , because you don’t have to rush into things.

That ties into the themes of trust on this record, too, which is funny because you wrote these songs before having to navigate those waters. You wrote, “I wanna live in a world where I can keep my doors open, but who knows what’d get in and what’d get out.” Would it be a stretch to connect that lyric toward your path of ascension in the music sphere, toward your approach to how you present yourself? Are you talking about trust in the abstract here?

Absolutely. The more you learn the more wise you’re supposed to be, but I still reflect upon myself as a child, or even just myself pre-audience, kind of contemplating on where my creativity came from at that point and always trying to stay connected to why I originally started writing. I did write that song a while ago, but luckily it still rings true.

I talked to Joe Steinhardt of Don Giovanni a few weeks ago, and he’s of the mind that the big three media companies are turning into the big three tech companies, insofar as Apple, Google and Amazon are eating whole industries of art, commerce and media. It got me wondering what we can do. Now obviously you’re on Matador, and they have a great reputation around doing right for their artists’ sustainability. What are you, and they, doing right when it comes to giving artists some agency over their own work?

I guess there’s two ways to approach this question. There’s technically retaining the rights to your own music, being structurally independent and not feeding into major labels or major companies, but then there’s also this idea of retaining agency in a more metaphysical sense.

I think both are important. Matador’s an independent label, which was part of the reason that we chose them. Myself, I feel like I still have ownership over my own work. Like I said, you just have to retain your writing process and not force anything. That’s what helps me feel like I still have a handle on what I make—it’s coming from me because of me, not because of anything else.

On top of that, I really like and respect bands that do more than just the typical structuring of recording, releasing and touring an album. Bands that are socially active, bands that are not afraid to talk about their belief systems explicitly. I’ve been inspired by that, and that feels like not just taking agency over your own work, but taking agency over the responsibility that you’ve been granted by a fanbase. Really contemplating your fanbase and being present with the people who listen to your music.

That begs the very timely and topical question, too—if all art comes from culture, and cultures are being stigmatized right now, then isn’t all art political? The question’s kind of irrelevant when the creative class is kind of a marginalized community in its own right, but I guess I’m just wondering how your value system responds to right now, as you come into the creative class professionally at a time when a lot of people are freaking out about the abolishment of the National Endowment of the Arts and similar public-funded avenues for creative programs or dialogues. What’s your role in pushing back against that?

The solution we came up with as a band for this tour was raising money for local charities at each of the shows that we’ve been playing. That feels like a pretty effective form of activism so far, but beyond that, I would hope that the music we make and tour causes people to consider not necessarily the specific current events happening around the world, but what’s behind them—power struggles, contemptment and these other things behind the negativity that we see, a lack of fulfillment in people.

It’s nobody’s actual job, but I personally admire people who see it as their responsibility. Whether its actual resources going to real life projects, charities or charities, that’s one piece of it. But like I said, the content of the music can really change people’s mindset, and I know that I’ve definitely been changed by some musicians and lyrics that I’ve heard. Like I said, media is the third parent to anybody. I would just hope that people write things that call for more thought instead of less thought. That could make a huge difference.

(x)

#lucy dacus #interview #2017 #february 2017 #the new york observer #archival

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ditzydolores · 2 years ago

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Important update:

Thank you so much to everyone for their prayers and continued support. My husband and I finally have a home again. It's been an absolutely insane few weeks. I'll spare you the details, but my husband might tell you about it if you ask him. For someone like him who's moved a bajillion times in his life, even HE thought this was the craziest moving experience. But as insane as it's been, we are finally beginning to rest a little bit and regain our strength bit by bit. There's still more unpacking to be done, and we are sad that we couldn't keep our beloved cat Bobo...but we took him to a very safe and happy place---a no-kill kitty shelter, where we've been told that while he was depressed at first of us leaving him there (</3), he has become vocal and loving, which sounds just like our Bobo. It is likely we may never see him again...unless he never gets adopted out and we happen to move in another place within the next few years that allows dogs and/or cats. It was absolutely heartbreaking to give Bobo away, but it's 100% a miracle he ended up at that place. They have the sweetest people caring for him there, and he's making plenty of kitty friends too <3

So, long story short, my hubby @fractiouslemonofficial and I have officially moved into our new home---no roomates or pets this time---and regular posts will eventually return. I just dunno when exactly. This move took a lot out of us both, and I mean a LOT. So please be patient. .-. Or not, whatever. Ain't gonna make me recover faster.

---TheFireMermaid

#chrono #update

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iturbide · 1 year ago

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same anon as the not exaggerated joke but not joke about robbing plegia. God I love awakening, I really love chrom and robin and all that. But I am also facinated by Gangrel and Validar (and to a lesser extent Henry and Tharja (and also Mustafa and to an even lesser extent the various plegian officers you fight) Like there could have easily been an interesting exploration of any of those characters. Gangrel's a much less subtle example of how an ATTEMPTED GENOCIDE affected him. He went mad and is lashing out at those who both caused and did not take accountability. Like there's a lot there to unpack and look at, especially when you consider his general dismissal of the grimleal cult. Validar is one I really wish we saw more of (Validad wishful thinking in my brain). He was likely a part of the grimleal since before the war, being a failed vessel; how did he view the genocide, was he moved by what happened to other plegians, did that give him conviction, did he care at all? Did he see grima, or his own child as a means of retribution or even as a saviour for his people. There is so much that could have been done there. Also maybe Tharja and Henry should have more to say about their country being brutalised in 3 whole wars. Also also, please just acknowledge Mustafa he was so fucking cool and deserved a larger role in the story, I'd love them as a continuous antagonist/anti-hero who RIGHTLY points out the hypocricy of the ylisseans while still showing himself to be an empathetic and just leader. Fuck it make him in charge, put him on a council with Validar. Can you imagine the political debates between those two?

Anyway I'm gonna start reading Affectionately Yours to stimulate the part of my brain that awakening didn't

Look, I am deeply and utterly fascinated by Plegia. I have been for a long time. Roughly half my Awakening works on AO3 hinge on some extensive Plegian worldbuilding because Awakening really didn't bother with it and I'm too fascinated to leave it alone.

I have a lot of thoughts about Gangrel. I have a lot of thoughts about Validar. I have a lot of thoughts about who they could have been in different situations, and why they turned out the way they did. I honestly think that Gangrel could have been handled better in Awakening canon: I think his mother was killed by bandits when he was young according to canon? But imagine how much more potent his role in the story becomes if he lost his mother in the attempted genocide -- he was a direct victim, and that unaddressed trauma festered and turned him into the Mad King. (I have a whole post of backstory headcanons about that.) And I think that Validar is underexplored as a character, especially considering that he outright admits he's a failed attempt at creating a vessel for Grima, and what something like that would do to a person. (I have yet another post of backstory headcanons for him.)

Henry...Henry not really having something to say doesn't surprise me. Henry was a victim of basically every system he'd ever been part of. He doesn't have a stake in society, but he's culturally Plegian because it's how he was generally brought up. Tharja, though -- she I think should have things to say about the situation, because even if she does adopt a measure of disinterest in the general situation, that's her home. She's lived through these nightmares and been a witness to their aftermath. The fact that her being Plegian and how that's affected her was entirely squandered is an absolute crime.

and don't get me started on Mustafa. I love Mustafa so much. Mustafa gets a role in basically all my fics, I love him so much. He's in Affectionately Yours. He's in Cursed Fate. He's in both Crown of Shadows and Shrouded Throne. He's in my works in progress, he's in my backburner stories, he's everywhere. I absolutely adore General Mustafa and what he says about Plegia as a country, even though the game tries to pretend that people like him don't exist as soon as we finish out Chapter 11.

I have a lot of Plegia thoughts okay. And a lot of Plegia stories.

also please let me know if you have any issues getting into the fics, I locked them as a precaution against AI data scraping but I am 100% willing to unlock them if you want to read but don't have an account

#answered #anonymous #fire emblem: awakening #this doesn't even touch on all my grimleal cultural headcanons #also fun fact: future built part 2 will also feature mustafa #in an extremely important role #he may end up leading plegia at the very end of the story #guiding it toward a democracy after the wars are over #plegia maintains its independence #and begins to forge a new and brighter future for itself #someday i swear i'll get back to fic writing #damn burnout

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whatifyoulivelikethat · 2 years ago

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Do you have any advice on how to stop being jealous?

Like I know it’s a normal emotion. But I get really jealous when I see people have what I don‘t have and it’s hard for me to truly be happy for them… or myself. I’m always comparing. I know it stems from my insecurities and low self esteem. I want (best) friends, I want people openly think I am attractive, or that guys talked to me. I want to experience things like kissing or having sex. It’s hard for me to see others and especially those who are younger than me have all these experiences I never had. I’m seeing all these people I grew up with getting into relationships, getting married…etc. I guess never experiencing those things feed my insecurities and fears that I’m not good enough or desirable. I just feel like life is just so unfair, like why I am stuck being who I am, I didn’t choose to be so incompetent, boring and ugly.

I know it’s stupid but I’ve felt like this all my life. I was bullied a lot when I was a kid, so it’s hard to not believe what I was told about myself. Especially since all of my experiences confirm my fears. The thing is that I try. I try to put myself out there but nothing comes out of it. And this is embarrassing to admit but I cry about it a lot. I can’t help but to think something is wrong with me. Sometimes I can’t even read fics because the romance or friendships in them trigger me. Like it’s gotten that bad and I would love to have the kind of confidence that you have.

Just remember I only got to be this confident because I learned from a lot of painful things.

Jealousy is a learned behavior. In this case, it seems like you're jealous of relationships (friendships and romantic), specifically those that you perceive to be fulfilling and emotionally satisfying. I don't want to jump too far ahead, but the reason why you try and "fail" is because you aren't addressing the root of the issue - the why.

You did touch on it a little when you mentioned the bullying. Insecurities and low self-esteem are things that have been taught to you. You have adopted this negative self-image to avoid more hurt - if you already believe it, it'll hurt less when people continue saying it to you. Ironically, bullies bully because they too have jealousy, insecurities, and shitty self-esteem. Bullies intimidate because they believe they need to feel powerful to fill that void.

One who knows their power has no need to flex it.

Being bullied and other factors (don't know what your home life is like but I'm sure there's unpacking to do there was well) influence how you develop relationships with other people. There is fear there now. If strangers who don't know you say these things about you, won't it hurt exponentially more if it is a best friend? A romantic partner? Although you try, you feel that you have failed even if something small goes amiss, because you have been trained that is a signal that you could get hurt.

This is why I put fail in quotes. It is not really a failure. Like Yoongi says, human relationships are hard. They're complicated. Best friends fight (you've seen Run BTS???? jokes - or is it, those betrayals tho XD). Romantic relationships miscommunicate and get nasty at times. It is difficult to truly understand that no two people are the same. We tend to think people see the world in the same way we do because that's our main prespective in life. When they don't, there's misalignment and friction. These are not bad things, for we can learn / grow / evolve from these experiences, but you have associated them as bad sure to the past. You were confronted with senseless hostility as a kid - how could child you understand when someone taking out their internal frustrations on you? You haven't learned what projection means. Child you can only think that you must have done something wrong.

Your jealousy is not directed at the people. It is directed at the harmony between them.

You lacked this interpersonal harmony due to chance and circumstance. You probably didn't even do anything. Just happened to be there when a bully felt the impulse. Maybe, too, you didn't receive enough attention and affection as a child. Maybe the various relationships around you were turbulent and unpredictable. Maybe a certain type of attractiveness was prized and was an impossible mold for you to fit. It could be all these things and/or more. You need to look inside to find why you feel this way. And, the person that you absolutely need to develop a fulfilling and emotionally satisfying relationship with... is you.

"Why do I feel this way? How can I better understand me? What can I do for me to help me? How can I change the way I think so I don't drag myself down but raise myself up?"

It took me a long time to choose to believe in me. I didn't want to, because of what people said, because I was afraid, because I was reduced to thinking that this was the way it was meant to be, but it's not. I had to change the way I think. You say you didn't choose to be incompetent, boring, or ugly but on some level you did. Sure, perhaps you can't do everything, but it's clear you can articulate and be brave enough to message me. (keke ;) ) True, yeah, unlikely you can hold an engaging conversation on any topic because of course you don't know everything about the world. That would take forever to learn astrophysics and plant biology and music theory and... Yet if you put your heart into your interests, I bet you would have a lot to say and it would be fun to hear it. And, as I've said before, beauty standards are created by society to encourage consumption. "Conventional attractiveness" is a lie. People have strange and sometimes meaningless reasons for being attracted to others.

Nobody is perfect. Yes, life is unfair. But the way you look at it doesn't have to be.

Even if someone loves you with all their heart, you won't believe them if you don't love you. Even if someone wants to be your best friend, you won't feel it with all the walls you've built to protect the fragile you. But you are not that fragile, really. You were just made to believe you were. I get that. Yes, you will make mistakes. You will get hurt. You'll cry. Not everything will work out. But some things do. You'll never notice unless you break this cycle of negative thinking. Give attention and affection to that inner you that has been hurting all this time. When you're having those thoughts, think about why you're having them and what they really mean. Don't bully yourself, you know? Try your best, but not for others. For you.

People are complicated, flawed, but all are capable of finding the precious treasures that only they can appreciate because of what they've been through. You've been so fixated on other people's treasures that you forgot that you, too, have an adventure waiting for you.

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theres-a-goldensky · 4 years ago

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30 More The Untamed Fic Recs

Here we go again. Another Wangxian rec list. Are you bored of me yet?

Were these recs helpful to you? If so, you can check out my other Wangxian rec posts:

Part 1 - 40 recs

Part 2 - 23 recs

Part 3 - 23 recs

As ever, feel free to reblog.

You can also head over to my bookmarks on AO3.

(All recs are complete) (I’ve noted pairings, length, and rating, but not any warnings or additional tags.)

** denotes personal favorite

1. say it's here where our pieces fall in place by Lirelyn - ~69,000 words, explicit - Modern AU where Lan Zhan meets Wei Wuxian after he adopts a small A-Yuan, because Wei Wuxian also has a past with him. Lots of adorable family feelings and emotional hurt/comfort.

As often happened, Wei Ying’s voice preceded his entrance, calling to his co-worker through the open door, “Frankie, they forgot to order spoons again, can you hold down the fort a little longer while I —”

Lan Wangji was already looking to his entrance, head turning as if magnetized toward the voice, so he saw the moment when Wei Ying’s eyes landed on A-Yuan and the smile fell from his face. He looked stricken, and Lan Wangji immediately looked to his son in alarm. A-Yuan seemed fine. His small eyebrows were pulled together in a small frown as he looked back at Wei Ying, but that wasn’t surprising, given the expression on Wei Ying’s face. Lan Wangji had seen that face beaming, laughing, whining, wheedling, and occasionally angry, but never like this. He looked blank and hollow and it stirred something fierce in Lan Wangji: he wanted to rise up and obliterate whatever was making him look like that. Then his eyes lifted to Lan Wangji and there was a flash of something almost like betrayal, before he pressed his lips together and turned his back.

“I’m going to run out to the store and get spoons,” he said in a flat voice to his co-worker, and left without looking their way again.

2. the breaking of your soul (upon my lips) by sunsandships - ~41,000 words, mature - This is an AU of the novel where Wei Wuxian puts two and two together when Lan Zhan sneaks that kiss from him. It changes a lot of things.

Against his own will, Wei Wuxian found himself glancing at Lan Wangji’s hands. They were… certainly large enough that one of them could wrap around both of his wrists. And Lan Wangji was certainly strong enough, tall enough, broad-shouldered enough to bodily pin him against the trunk of a tree with no chance of him breaking free. Lan Wangji was the first person he’d come across in his slow comb through the vicinity of where he’d been so headily kissed.

Wei Wuxian drew a sharp breath. There was a connection to be made here. He didn’t think he was crazy enough to make it. Perhaps he truly was going slightly insane with demonic cultivation if he could believe Lan Wangji, the paragon of virtue and respectability, who lived unflinchingly under Gusu Lan’s three thousand edicts, who had at best only tolerated his presence as children, would sneak up to him while he was blindfolded, pin him against a tree, and steal a kiss from him in broad daylight.

3. and his wanting grows teeth by yukla - ~25,000 words, teen - This is a very interesting AU where Lan Zhan is a traveling cultivator and runs into Wei Wuxian and the Jiangs looking for shelter during a snowstorm. No spoilers, but this fic goes to a pretty dark place that genuinely shocked me, but I enjoyed. (Still ends well though.)

Without further ado, they are hustled past the entrance and into a smaller greeting area. Huang-bobo approaches the brazier in the center with his hands outstretched, warming his fingers in the heat, but Lan Wangji hangs back. As he carefully brushes the snow free from his shoulders, he feels the burn of a curious gaze trailing up and down his body, lingering at the guqin still strapped to his back; when the sensation pauses at his face and stays there, he lifts his head.

The boy with the ribbon lights up at the eye contact, flashes another dazzling smile, and gives a little wave.

“You must be new here,” he whispers, something like laughter threaded into his voice, eyes scrunching into winking half-moons. “All dressed up in white like that! You might lose yourself in the snowstorm!”

Something stirs to life in Lan Wangji’s chest. It’s—uncomfortable, he decides, and so he steps away. Teasing should not be encouraged with a response.

4. Ghosts Shouldn't by ShanaStoryteller - ~15,000 words, not rated - After Wei Ying's death, his spirit seems to linger. The story is told from Lan Xichen's point of view. I love an outsider point of view. I also love the way the author fleshes out his character as well.

Lan Xichen means to force his way inside, angry ghost of the Yiling Patriarch or no, but then his brother lets out slow breath, settling, the pain easing from his face as he falls back into a more peaceful sleep.

His hair is moving on its own, so subtly Lan Xichen might not have noticed it if he hadn’t been looking at Wangji so intently. It’s like someone’s running their hand through his hair.

The window frosts over suddenly, thick enough that he can’t see through it. Anxiety spikes through him so quickly he’s nauseous with it, but then the frost melts away and the opening notes of Healing start up again.

He can’t tell if it’s a warning or not. Maybe it’s just an acknowledgement. Wei Wuxian knows he’s there.

5. **leading tone by silencemostofall - ~32,000 words, general - This is a modern AU set in a world where people who love you leave a mark of color on you the first time you touch. Wei Wuxian has no color on him. So much emotional hurt/comfort. So much of Wei Wuxian's terrible self-esteem.

He can cover up his palms with his gloves, so that the blankness does not draw stares. But he has no marks on his fingertips, which he cannot easily hide, and none visible on his face or neck, the blankness of which is even more difficult to hide. People look at him and, with a single glance, understand the single most devastating truth that he knows about himself.

They assume that he does not have very many marks. He may be an eccentric, dramatic person, but the likelihood that an individual has all of their marks on, say, their feet or their torso or other places that are not immediately obvious-- that probability goes down as your number of marks increases. He can laugh as much as he wants about how he loves touching people for the first time with odd places, like the knee or the elbow, but it doesn't quite mask the feeling of other that he knows he exudes.

They assume that he does not have a lot of marks. This, while a heavy weight, is not unbearably so. It is okay that they think he is not much loved. It chafes a bit, and feels occasionally like something he has to furiously push down within himself, but it is not unbearable. What would be unbearable is if they knew the truth: that he does not just have very few marks, but none. That he is simply an individual who is not loved at all.

6. **pastel by antebunny - ~7,000 words, gen - This is a remix work of the above fic. It's from Lan Zhan's point of view and just different enough to be interesting. Still lots of emotional hurt/comfort. I love this concept a whole lot, and both of these fics are great.

It’s a simmering day in May, and Wei Ying is wearing long sleeves, long pants, and gloves.

His choice of dress isn’t unusual for many reasons. For one, there’s plenty of people who don’t like strangers seeing their soulmarks. There’s plenty of people who wish to keep them private by covering them up. For another, Wei Ying spends most of his day in various chilly computer science department rooms, He could just be wearing long sleeves for that.

7. one good thing by Yuu_chi - ~27,000 words, teen - Wei Wuxian has died (or did he??) and is haunting his old home. Lan Zhan moves in. This story has a happy ending! And so much yearning!

To the flowers struggling to grow on the other side of the glass, he says, “We’re getting a new roommate. Well, I’m getting a new roommate - you’re getting somebody who might actually be able to water you for a change.” The flowers outside sway a little in the breeze, and Wei Wuxian nods contemplatively. “He can’t be any worse than the last guy who lived here. Remember when I spooked him while he was cooking and he nearly burnt the house down? Of course you don’t. You’re fucking foliage, your memory is worse than mine. I remember though, so it’s cool.”

There’s the sound of shuffling behind him and Wei Wuxian looks up to see the stranger has entered the kitchen, setting the last of the boxes down on the table. Disgustingly neat handwriting declares the box kitchen - homeware. The stranger carefully brushes his hair back from his face and, without so much as a second of hesitation, cracks open the box and begins unpacking.

“Wow, you really don’t waste any time, do you?” Wei Wuxian marvels. “You literally just got here - who cares about unpacking? Sit down for a moment, breathe, have something to eat. It’s not going anywhere.”

8. with you, I am home by tellthemstories - ~47,000 words, mature - Modern AU where Wei Wuxian is being forced to return home to entertain marriage proposals. So naturally instead he "convinces" Lan Zhan to pretend to date him. I love a good fake dating fic, and this one hits all the right beats.

Lan Zhan does that almost-smile thing that Wei Wuxian takes to mean he’s happy, or at the very least not-mad. “You don’t have any money.”

“Not true. I have the money from our last job, when we settled the vengeful spirit for the flower shop girl.” (He doesn’t. They have Lan Zhan’s money. Wei Wuxian spent his on a pack of loquats and three bottles of Emperor’s Smile wine.)

“Fine,” Wei Wuxian says. “Do it for me.”

Thinking back on it two weeks later, standing alone in the middle of Jin Ling’s graduation banquet and watching Lan Zhan walk away from him, Wei Wuxian realises that this, this was the moment when he should have known. He should have realised in the way Lan Zhan doesn’t hesitate or negotiate and just says with that half-fond, half-exasperated tone he gets sometimes, “Fine.”

9. and in the spring i shed my skin by wvlfqveen - ~11,000 words, teen - Modern AU where Wei Ying can't find Lan Zhan, but hey, there happens to be a rabbit here instead. Features a very slow Wei Ying, emotional hurt/comfort and accidental love confessions.

Immediately, his heart settles and he grins down at his new friend. “Oh, hello there,” he coos, reaching out to pet the fluffy ears. The bunny is very, very still under his hand.

“Did Lan Zhan bring you today?,” he continues cooing. “I’m sorry I missed that, but your Dad didn’t tell me he was bringing you.”

Lan Zhan rarely brings his rabbits to work since they are as tolerant of crowds and unnecessary noise as he is. They were probably relevant to today’s lesson but…

Wei Ying frowns. “Why would he leave you alone? And where is your cage?”

10. how, or when, or from where by sarahyyy - ~10,000 words, gen - Wei Ying wakes up in the hospital with amnesia and can't remember the last few years of his life, including his best friend and the guy he's in love with.

Jiang Cheng rolls his eyes so hard Wei Wuxian is surprised his eyeballs don’t just fall out of his eye sockets. “That’s the worst part. He did. Whatever mating ritual you both have going on is so fucking weird, Wei Wuxian.” He snorts. “If you’d stayed asleep for any longer, I’d have lost my shit and thrown my myself out a window just so I wouldn’t have to talk to Lan Wangji again.”

Wei Wuxian blinks at him. “Is this a good time to ask who Lan Wangji is?”

Jiang Cheng glares at him. “Your Lan Zhan,” he says, annoyed. Wei Wuxian must look as confused as he feels, because Jiang Cheng’s annoyance bleeds out into concern. “Your Lan er-gege? Your soulmate, Lan Wangji?”

Wei Wuxian shakes his head. “No bells are ringing.”

11. ** a shared plate by yukla - ~26,000 words, teen - This is an absolutely gorgeous fic about Wei Wuxian traveling the world post-canon to rediscover himself and restore his faith in humanity and eventually find his way back to Lan Zhan. The whole thing is great, but the last two chapters are just *chef's kiss*

Lan Zhan,

Just as the mountains stand unchanging and the green rivers flow ceaselessly, we will meet again — and between then and now, you cannot hope to avoid my letters, either! Haha! Lan Zhan, I’ve seen so many things and met so many people, and it’s only been a month!

I miss you already

It’s so hot that I find myself missing the wind in Gusu’s mountains. Your poor Wei Ying is I’m melting away, Lan Zhan...

I’m realizing now, sixteen years is a long time to be away — the world is vast, and quite a bit different than I remembered. And in sixteen years, a child can also grow up into a man! It’s your job to catch me up on A-Yuan’s fun childhood stories! I do remember hearing something about a pile of rabbits...

12. with your arms outstretched to me by annemari - ~14,000 words, teen - Lan Zhan finally gets up the nerve to ask Wei Ying on a date, but things don't go as expected. Features emotional hurt/comfort (are we sensing a theme with these recs??) and just regular hurt/comfort.

"Oh, man, I was hoping you had some water with you," Wei Ying says. "I totally forgot to bring any for myself. Stupid of me."

"There is enough for both of us," Lan Wangji says. He has another bigger bottle in the car, as well.

Wei Ying hums but he only takes a few sips. He presses it back into Lan Wangji's hand. "I don't need any more."

Lan Wangji is considering arguing, but then Wei Ying shifts a bit, moving his ankle, and gasps very, very quietly.

13. ** A Lot of Edges Called Perhaps by hansbekhart - ~22,000 words, explicit - Wei Wuxian has finished traveling and returned to the Cloud Recesses and Lan Zhan. But their lives never do run smoothly.

“Lan Jingyi,” Wei Wuxian says, recognizing him after a moment. His heart slams against his rib cage. “Where is Lan Zhan? What’s happened?”

Lan Jingyi flaps a hand at him, gulping air. Wei Wuxian hands him the water, and leans back against Little Apple’s side as he waits impatiently for the boy to get his breath back.

“I’m so glad I found you,” Jingyi gasps, just as Wei Wuxian is about to throttle a proper answer out of him. “Hanguang Jun was in such a state when he woke up, we didn’t know if you’d come and gone already.”

“Where is he, Jingyi,” Wei Wuxian says, as evenly as he can. “What happened?”

14. So Why Not Crack Your Skull When the Mind Swells by greenteafiend - ~14,000 words, explicit - Wei Wuxian is cursed to feel extraordinary pain unless he's touching Lan Zhan. Yet more of Wei Wuxian's self-esteem issues and Lan Zhan's steadfast devotion.

“Are you hurt, Wei Ying?” Lan Wangji asks, pressing his hand to Wei Ying’s forehead to feel his temperature. There is no fever, but that doesn’t do much to mitigate Lan Wangji’s worries.

“No—I’m not hurt,” says Wei Ying, sagging forward to lean his weight into Lan Wangji’s hand like he can’t help himself.

It’s so strange—Lan Wangji can feel what Wei Ying is feeling. Although the relief is still very profound, wisps of other things are making themselves known; happiness; wistfulness; guilt. It’s all so fleeting that Lan Wangji can’t even begin to deduce what has provoked those feelings, but he wishes he knew their source.

15. puzzle pieces by Anonymous - ~6,000 words, teen - Modern AU where Wei Ying and Lan Zhan are roommates, and Wei Ying has started borrowing Lan Zhan's clothes.

“Hm? Oh.” With sleepy eyes that does— things to Lan Zhan’s heart, he blinks and tugs at the lower hem of the shirt, which is riding just above the curve of his thighs. Does Lan Zhan’s mouth water? Maybe. Yes. Absolutely. “Ah, yeah, sorry. Laundry day caught up to me before I could catch up with it. I saw this shirt left in the washer a few days ago, and—“ He blinks up at Lan Zhan through dark eyelashes that Lan Zhan wants to kiss, maybe, and gives him an uncharacteristically hesitant smile. “Do you mind?”

I mind the fact that we are not married, Lan Zhan thinks. But he can’t say that, and his tongue doesn’t know how to say anything else. So he stays silent.

“Oh,” Wei Ying says after a moment. “If you—oh, damn, I should’ve known, this is like real silk, must’ve been super expensive. Fuck. Okay, here, uh, I’ll take it off—“

16. ** Nothing But Trouble by brooklinegirl - ~60,000 words, explicit - Modern AU where Wei Ying is trying to be a good brother and get Jiang Cheng laid. Somehow this plan involves pretending to date Lan Zhan.

"I won't!" Wei Ying insists. "I'll ask out someone...high stakes. I'll find someone. I'll...okay, how's this? I swear that I'll ask someone out and keep at it for at least two dates."

"No."

"Three dates."

"Nope."

"Okay, okay, five. That's fair! That's more than fair! One person, five dates." He points at Jiang Cheng. "You have to do it, too. That's how a pact works."

Jiang Cheng stares at him. "Five dates," he says flatly. "Five. And yours can't be Nie Huaisang."

17. i'm the one for your fire by occultings (microcomets) - ~43,000 words, explicit - This is a Modern AU and a Cherry Magic AU! (Side note: GO WATCH CHERRY MAGIC IF YOU HAVEN'T.) But in short, Wei Ying turns 30 without losing his virginity and gets the power to hear people's thoughts when he touches them. He gets more than he bargained for with Lan Zhan. The author does a good job of translating the story to these characters. Wei Ying is not forced to be like Adachi, the main character of Cherry Magic. He's still himself, and the same goes for Lan Zhan.

Lan Zhan’s voice is so clear, so sudden that it’s as though it’s spoken, the slice of a sharp object through velvet.

He’s touching me.

Wei Ying startles for a moment, wonders if he’d somehow heard his own thoughts instead, but — no, that had definitely been Lan Zhan’s steady, factual baritone, loud and clear.

God, this is still so weird. It still doesn’t seem totally real. But how else can he account for hearing Lan Zhan’s voice in his head, as clearly as if he’d spoken to Wei Ying directly?

18. like blue flame over my fingertips by tangerinechar - ~37,000 words, teen - Modern AU where Lan Zhan and Wei Ying are roommates, and Lan Zhan just finds himself wanting to take care of Wei Ying.

Lan Wangji’s roommate. Is a problem.

He doesn’t get an answer to the roommate problem until the next morning, when Lan Xichen texts him telling him that the apartment he’d suggested (and helped pay rent for) to Lan Wangji said in the small text that it’d be two people per apartment, the second bedroom wasn’t actually a guest bedroom, sorry, Wangji, you can move in with me if you want, I have space —

No. Thank you for your kind offer, Brother, but I will be quite fine, Lan Wangji texts back.

19. ** some impulse of delight by handclaps - ~20,000 words, explicit - College AU where Wei Ying decides he needs to help Lan Zhan get used to touching people. Lan Zhan agrees. Wei Ying is dumb and in love. Lan Zhan is less dumb, but still as in love.

Lan Zhan shakes his head and fumbles, tries to push the cotton wool into Wei Wuxian’s hand.

“Sorry,” Wei Wuxian says, realising. “Touching people, I know.”

He feels dumb. He thought he’d worn Lan Zhan down more than this, that they were friends now and that his whole no touching thing was mostly overcome. He took Wei Wuxian’s hand easily, right? He looks down at his belly full of scratches, dabbing at them moodily.

“Sorry,” he says, again.

Lan Zhan makes some kind of noise, but he is busy packing the first aid kit back, placing everything exactly where it was before.

“Lan Zhan, you’re going to have to do something about this,” Wei Wuxian complains. “I know you don’t like touching people and usually it plays as a kind of gentlemanly thing, but what about emergencies?”

20. And I Will Call You Home by Spodumene - ~43,000 words, explicit - Wei Wuxian returns after a year of traveling and rejoins Lan Zhan in the Cloud Recesses. He's doing a good job of pining and ignoring the obvious. Look, at this point, it shouldn't be a surprise that I'm a sucker for stories where Wei Wuxian deals with his ~*~issues~*~ and Lan Zhan takes care of him, whether he asks for it or not. This story has lots of that. I also enjoyed the case fic aspect of it.

“I do, I think,” Wei Wuxian admits. “Would be nice to see his face again after so long. And at least this time, I’m going to show up draped in finery. What do you think, Lan Zhan? I can’t possibly disgrace him—or you—wearing a cloak like that.”

“You could never disgrace me,” Lan Wangji says gently, that soft, affectionate look back on his face.

Wei Wuxian grins, warmed to the tips of his toes.

“I’ll remind you of that later. The next time I’m three jars deep and feeling especially shameless, you’ll have to remember those words, Lan Er-gege.”

“Of course,” Lan Wangji says simply.

Wei Wuxian smiles some more, overwhelmed by fondness.

21. darling, am i a chore? by martyrsdaughter - ~7,000 words, explicit - Wei Wuxian really, really wants Lan Zhan to call him 'gege'. Lan Zhan knows a trump card when he sees one.

“You know what I want,” Wei Wuxian purrs, reaching up on his tiptoes to throw his arms over Lan Wangji’s shoulders. “Call me gege, won’t you? Call me and I’ll stop.”

Lan Wangji knows he will not stop, regardless of what he calls him. Still, he thinks about it. If there really is a way to make Wei Wuxian stop, should he not consider it? He doesn’t have any real interest in curbing his husband’s insatiable mischievousness, but he does like knowing things about him—everything there is to know.

If there’s something that persuasive in the world, that it can bring Wei Wuxian into submission when no one is under threat, could he stop himself from seeking it?

22. your name, safe in their mouth by astrolesbian - ~11,000 words, gen - Wei Wuxian & Lan Sizhui fic with the Wangxian in the background. Lan Sizhui wants another dad and Wei Wuxian wants a son, they just don't know how to explain that to each other.

“Hush,” Wei Wuxian says, in a low croon, like someone quieting a baby. Then he blinks, and looks away, awkward. “I mean—you shouldn’t speak. You’re tired. Rest if you need to.”

Lan Sizhui tucks his chin into his uncle’s shoulder, and lets his eyes fall closed.

“It doesn’t hurt too much, does it?” Wen Ning whispers to him kindly.

Lan Sizhui takes a deep breath, and takes stock of all his aches, his ringing ear, his hollow chest, the way he had selfishly wanted Wei Wuxian to keep speaking to him in that careful voice, like he was just a child to be soothed and there was no real danger. How dangerous, to pretend. “No,” he lies. “It doesn’t hurt that much at all.”

23. when you're doing all the leaving (then it's never your love lost) by tardigradeschool - ~26,000 words, teen - AU where Lan Zhan with Wei Wuxian to Jin Ling's one-month celebration. Things go down, and it leads to Lan Zhan discovering Wei Wuxian's missing golden core. This obviously will not do, and oh look, the best doctor in the world just happens to be right here.

“How—“ Lan Wangji chokes. “His core —?” He looks at Wen Ning, half accusatory in his shock. “Jin Zixun could not have—“

“No, no!” Wen Ning says, holding out his hands. “He hasn’t had one for years, don’t worry!”

This is not as reassuring as Wen Ning seems to think.

“Please explain,” Lan Wangji says, pained. He feels for Wei Wuxian’s pulse instead; in the absence of a golden core, it will have to do as reassurance that he’s still alive.

Wen Ning is so anxious that the story comes out in a ramble, out of order. Lan Wangji wants him to hurry up, but he’s also not confident in his own ability to speak, so he just keeps quiet and lets him talk. His heart feels as if it’s about to fall from his chest, beating nearly twice as fast as Wei Wuxian’s does under his fingers.

24. A Match in the Making by lareine - ~30,000 words, teen - A Modern AU where Wei Wuxian sees his single and bad ass friend Lan Zhan and his single and bad ass friend Mianmian and gets some very dumb ideas.

To return to the point: Lan Zhan was peak adulting. Mianmian was peak adulting. And if they were both at the peak, then they were on the same level. What level? That mysterious level thing that everyone mentioned when it came to dating.

Whatever level it was, Lan Zhan and Mianmian were on it together. Wei Ying nodded to himself. So, Lan Zhan and Mianmian were allowed to date each other. The next question was: were they compatible? Did they have chemistry or whatever the fuck people called it?

25. Crack me open, pour you out by Tenillypo - ~16,000 words, explicit - Lan Zhan gets cursed to say whatever he's thinking. So his worst nightmare. Mutual pining, first time, all good stuff.

Lan Wangji freezes with his chopsticks halfway to his mouth, lifting his eyes to stare at Wei Ying.

"I know! Just completely paralyzed." Wei Ying mimes being still as a board. "I don't know how long I lay there. It must have been two days at least. Good thing for Little Apple. He wandered back to the village when he got hungry, and eventually a few of them got brave enough to come look for me. When they rolled me over, the figure fell out of my hand and I could move again. Cunning little thing." He shakes his head. "I was weak as a kitten for a little while after they took me back to the village, and by the time I recovered, they'd burned the whole place to the ground. Such a waste."

Lan Wangji slowly lowers his chopsticks, heart racing unpleasantly. In his head, a picture of Wei Ying slowly wasting to death alone in the middle of the woods, with Lan Wangji a hundred miles away and none the wiser.

26. Crazy, Rich Cultivators by ShanaStoryteller - 13,000 words, no rating - Lan Zhan wants to bring his boyfriend home to meet his family. There are some things he definitely didn't realize about Wei Ying.

“He has a life here,” he says down the line. He doesn’t say that he has a life here too, one he likes a lot more than the one he had before. He misses home. He’d miss Wei Ying more. But he doesn’t say that, doesn’t say how vibrant he is and how beautiful and how little interest Lan Zhan has at seeing him among the high society he grew up with.

“Well, your life is here, Wangji,” his brother says. “You can’t stay away from home forever. You’re going to have to see how he does with the rest of us sooner or later. It might as well be sooner.”

It might as well be never, as far as he’s concerned. His family can meet Wei Ying at their wedding.

“I’ll ask,” he says.

Wei Ying has no interest in cultivation politics. They’re horrible, the five clans have an iron tight alliance that’s thirty seconds away from collapsing in on itself the moment someone from one sect steps on another sect’s toes. It’s the worst and he hates it. Surely even just the idea of it will be so horrifying to Wei Ying that Lan Zhan will be able to tell his brother no.

27. just our hands clasped so tight by electrum ~4,000 words, teen - Lan Zhan really, really, really just wants to give Wei Ying everything he wants.

“Despite your best efforts,” Wei Wuxian agrees. He shakes his head in mock-dismay. “How much longer do you think that will last if you keep buying everything I look at?” When this, too, fails to soften Lan Zhan’s resolve, he tries a different tactic. “We couldn’t even afford potatoes,” he says. “Back when I was with the Wens, at the Burial Mounds. Only radishes! If I survived that, I can certainly survive without another pretty comb.”

Lan Zhan’s expression is at once unmoved and yet somehow stricken. “I would have bought Wei Ying potatoes,” he says, like Wei Wuxian doesn’t know, by this point, that Lan Zhan would buy him anything. “If I had known…”

28. ** Rotten Work by ShanaStoryteller - ~64,000 words, no rating - Jin Ling & Wei Wuxian with Wangxian in the background. Jin Ling is the best boy! And as he tries to rehabilitate his sect and his family and keep himself alive at the same time, he realizes, horrifyingly, that he has to be the mature one.

29. ** an act too often neglected by Ariaste - Lan Xichen / Meng Yao, ~61,000 words, explicit - The Wangxian is in the background here, but the main story is about Lan Xichen meeting Meng Yao on a dating app and getting immediately dickmatized. Meanwhile. Meng Yao refuses to be won over by Lan Xichen's charm. It goes as well as you'd expect for him.

The caption below is equally sparse: “5’6. Demanding.”

Lan Xichen feels a low simmer of arousal kindle in the pit of his stomach, and he gazes at that word-- demanding --for nearly as long as he’d stared at the photograph. He swipes right.

A few minutes later, a notification pops up: < Hm, the size of your hands is promising.

This is familiar. This is the flirtation stage. Lan Xichen knows the steps to the dance.

30. My Land Beneath Me by longleggedgit - ~30,000 words, explicit - Modern AU where Wei Wuxian is cast out of his sect and out of China to America. And Lan Zhan just...follows.

Lan Zhan always waited for his tea to cool before drinking, which meant he had nothing to do but give Wei Wuxian a judgmental look. “No more McDonald’s.”

“You’re just bitter because you get indigestion from anything that actually tastes good,” Wei Wuxian grumbled.

Because Lan Zhan was insufferably mature and patient, he didn’t rise to the bait. “We have time to stop somewhere before class,” he said.

“Fine. But you’re paying this time.”

It was a bad joke, and predictably, fell flat; Lan Zhan was, after all, paying for everything, every time. Wei Wuxian frowned into his mug.

“You know,” he said, after another swallow, “you really don’t have to be here. I’m going to figure something out.”

Interested in 86 more The Untamed fic recs?

Part 1 - 40 recs Part 2 - 23 recs Part 3 - 23 recs

#the untamed fic #the untamed #master of demonic cultivation #wangxian fic recs #wangxian fic #mdzs #lan xichen/jin guangyao #lan zhan #wei wuxian/lan wangji #wei wuxian #jin ling #lan sizhui #mxtx novels

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nowandajenn · 4 years ago

Text

Blue Christmas- Eight

Pairing: Chris Evans/OC Kelly

Summary: After almost three years of marriage, everyone would tell you that Chris and his wife Kelly are the most stable, solid couple they know. But behind closed doors, things are tense as they keep trying for a baby, to no avail. When a secret threatens to shake their solid marriage to it’s core, will they be able to pick up the pieces?

I do not consent to have my content, whether it be this story or anything else of my creation, posted by a third party on any other platform other than right here without my permission. This blog is 18+ and is not intended for minors. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Heed the warnings.

Warnings: mentions of cheating, smut, language, angst, mentions of miscarriage. If any of this is triggering to you, do not read.

A/N: This is going to be very dialogue heavy, and will have flashbacks of the night that Chris cheated and everything that happened. Flashbacks will be in italics. Just a warning, this chapter is a BEAST. There’s a lot to unpack, and it’s going to be super emotional.

December 29

Chris watches from his seat in the comfortable leather recliner in our living room as I twist my wedding and engagement rings around on my finger. It’s a nervous little habit that I do without even really realizing it or thinking about it. A million thoughts cross his mind as he sits silently, waiting for me to say something.

After taking a few deep breaths to try and steel myself for the conversation that I KNOW that Chris and I need to have, I finally look up from the floor and at him.

“Do you want a divorce?” Okay, the thousand different times I pictured this conversation happening in my head, that was definitely NOT one of the ways. Apparently my mouth and brain aren’t communicating very well today.

Chris looks up at me, his expression aghast.

“Wha-.......” he tries to speak, but is too stunned to even form the words.

“Is that why you cheated? You don’t want to be with me anymore, so you went somewhere else for whatever is it that you weren’t getting from me?”

“No! Jesus Christ, no! I love you. I love you so much that it hurts. I can’t imagine my life without you. No, I don’t want a divorce.” he tells me.

“Okay, if that’s not it, then you have to help me out here. Because I don’t understand what possible reason you could have for cheating. It had to be something that I did. Or something I didn’t do. I need you to tell me what happened. Because until I have all the facts and I understand what the hell happened, we can’t move forward.”

He sits forward in the chair and sighs.

“What do you want me to tell you?”

“I want you to tell me what happened that night after we FaceTimed. I want to know what happened between then and the next morning.” I tell him.

“You KNOW what happened.” he says miserably.

I shake my head. “No, I know the end result. I want you to walk me through every single thing that happened that night. Everything you were thinking, everything you did.”

“Why? What good is that going to do? What’s the goddamn point? How is me telling you everything that happened going to help ANYTHING? All it’s going to do is hurt you more, and I can’t do that. I won’t.”

“The point is, if we have even the smallest hope of getting through this intact, with our MARRIAGE intact, I need to understand this. I need to know. I need to know, because when I go to sleep at night, all I can see in my head is all the things that I imagine happened that night. And I need to know if what actually happened is better or worse than what I can imagine happened. I have a right, as your wife, to know what you did.”

Chris looks up, silently pleading with you to not make him do this, but he knows that you’re right. You do deserve to know, even if it’s going to devastate you.

“After we got off the phone, I had to go right back into interviews and there was two more photo calls we had to do, so by the time we got done it was about 7:30 that night. I was distracted the whole time. I hated that we fought, and I felt like an asshole, and I just wanted to call you back and apologize, but I didn’t have time. Plus, I figured that we both probably needed a little bit of time to cool down. I told myself that I was going to call you that night before I went to bed so we could talk more and I could apologize to you. We all got out of there, and Cate and Robert and the rest of them wanted to go to dinner, so we came back to the hotel, changed, and then went out to eat.” Chris tells me.

“What time did you get back from dinner?”

“Around 10, I think. It couldn’t have been much later than that. Everyone else was talking about going out and finding a bar or a club to go to, but I just wanted to come back to the hotel and relax. I wasn’t in the mood to be around a lot of people.”

I pull my feet up on the couch and tuck them under me.

“Okay, so you got back to the hotel, and then what did you do?”

For as tired as he was, Chris couldn’t relax. He tried taking a hot shower, laying in bed watching TV, browsing social media, and flipping through pictures on his phone. Finally, after about 45 minutes and getting more and more keyed up and anxious, he decides to go down to the hotel bar.

When he walks in, the place is empty except for an older couple seated down at the end and the bartender. Chris slides himself onto one of the stools and the bartender makes her way over to him.

“Thank God. A friendly face.” she says with a smile.

Chris glances down the bar at the couple. “They seem pretty friendly.” he remarks.

“Yeah, but they’ve been here for an hour and they’re literally babying their drinks, and aren’t much for conversation that doesn’t involve each other. I’m bored out of my mind.”

She stick her hand out. “I’m Jo.”

Chris reaches across the bar and shakes her hand with his own. “Chris. Nice to meet you.”

“So, Chris, what’s your poison?”

“What was her name?” I ask him. He just referred to her as “the bartender” and “she”.

He runs his hand down his face and over his beard.

“I don’t......I honestly can’t remember. It was one of those boys names for a girl. You know.....Alex or Max or James.......I don’t......I can’t remember.”

I cover my face with my hands and take a deep breath. I want to scream already, and he’s not even deep into the story. I shake my head slightly.

“You slept with this girl, and you don’t even remember her NAME.” I say softly.

Chris hangs his head.

“Keep going.”

She pours him another measure of whiskey, along with a shot for herself. They clink glasses and swallow the amber liquid, letting it burn it’s way down.

“So what did you and your wife fight about?” she asks him.

Chris sighs.

“It’s......it’s complicated.”

“Hey, I’m a bartender, which means that I’m a really great listener. It’s practically a job requirement. You might feel better if you talk about it.”

“We’re trying to have a baby.”

“Soo....what’s the problem. Trying is the fun part!”

“We’ve been trying for a year and a half almost, and nothing’s happening. She’s perfect; there’s absolutely nothing wrong with her that would keep her from getting pregnant, but it’s just not happening. And we both want a baby so bad, and the look on her face when......it fucking kills me.”

He knows that he shouldn’t be telling a complete stranger all of this, especially considering who he is, but the alcohol has loosened his tongue, and if he doesn’t spill his guts to someone, he’s going to explode.

Jo puts a soft, warm hand over his.

“I’m sorry, That has to be tough. For both of you.” she says softly.

“I mean, I guess I never thought that it would take actual work, you know? I assumed that ‘hey, if we just keep having sex, eventually she’s going to get pregnant’ and it would be easy. She’s getting scared and fed up and talking about adoption and fertility doctors, and I hate seeing her so stressed out and upset, and I kind of just.....I said some things and made it worse and I feel like a complete fucking jackass.”

“What if you guys can’t have kids?”

“As much as I want to have kids with her, I don’t need them to be happy. As long as I have Kelly in my life, I’ll be perfectly happy. Do I want to be a dad? Yeah, absolutely. But there are so many kids out there that need good homes, so there are other options, but I don’t think that we’re there yet, you know?”

I get up and storm out of the room with Chris right on my heels.

“Kelly, wait, please.....”

He touches my arm and I spin around to face him, and the look in my eyes makes him fall back a step.

I’m so pissed off and hurt right now I could spit nails.

“You......you told her.....EVERYTHING. You told her.....EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING, Chris! Do you even......do you even fucking understand what you did? Like.....”

I squat down close to the floor and put my head between my knees. My heart is pounding and I’m so worked up that I’m afraid I’m going to pass out if I don’t calm down. And I’m not going anywhere or doing anything until I get the whole damn story.

“Look, I know-”

I look up at him incredulously.

“No! No, you don’t know! You don’t know shit! You fucking betrayed me, in every single sense of the word. You didn’t just fuck her, you told her, a complete stranger, about me. About us trying to have a baby. You told her about things that you never even fucking bothered to tell me! Do you realize that she could go to the press? She could go and spill all of these juicy little secrets that you spilled to her over shots of Jack and have herself a nice little pay day.”

“Kelly, you wanted to know what happened that night, so I’m telling you what happened, despite everything inside of me screaming at me not to. I’m not going to lie to you or keep things from you. You wanted to know everything.” Chris says.

I squeeze my eyes shut and grit my teeth so hard that my jaw hurts.

“I can’t look at you right now. I need a break.” I tell him, grabbing my jacket. I grab Dodger’s leash off the peg in the hallway and call for him.

Dodger trots over, tongue lolling out of his mouth, happy to be going on a walk.

“I’ll be back in a while.”

Forty five minutes later, I’m in the utility room stripping off my wet clothes after getting Dodger dry and wiping off his paws.

Chris stops pacing the kitchen when he sees me walking through the house in my bra and underwear.

“What happened to your clothes?” he asks.

“Dodger saw a squirrel and got excited and kind of dragged me through a snow bank.” I sigh. I throw my clothes in the dryer and make my way into our room to get changed.

“Dodge, come on.....” Chris admonishes. Dodger just jumps up on the bed and curls up.

I throw on a pair of gray sweatpants and a blue Patriots hoodie that’s hung over the back of the chair in our room and sit down on the side of the bed.

“I want to know the rest.” I tell Chris.

He sits down heavily on the end of the bed.

“No, you don’t.”

I swallow thickly. “You’re right. I don’t. But it doesn’t matter, because you’re going to tell me anyway.”

Hours pass with Jo and Chris laughing and talking and flirting back and forth, until it’s 1am and the bar closes for the night.

“Thanks for sticking around and hanging out tonight. I think I would have died of sheer boredom if you hadn’t.” Jo laughs softly. She offered to walk him back to his room as he was pretty well drunk and a little unsteady on his feet.

“It was no problem. I didn’t really want to be alone tonight to be honest. I used to do really well on my own. I was used to it, and then......I wasn’t alone.” Chris tells her.

Once they reach his room, they linger outside for a few minutes, both of them not really wanting the night to end. Jo steps closer to him, knowing exactly what she wants and completely unashamed about it.

“You should kiss me.” she says softly, looking up at him with big doe eyes. She places her hands on his chest and instead of immediately backing away like he should have, he leans into her touch.

Chris closes his eyes as he feels his mouth go dry and a strange fluttery feeling in his stomach. He hasn’t really felt this way since....

He opens his eyes and breathes out deeply. “I can’t. I’m married. I’m married and I’m insanely in love with my wife.”

“So? You should kiss me anyway. I can tell you want to. You’ve been flirting with me all night.” she says, taking a step closer. “I won’t tell anyone. I promise. You need a way to release all this tension you’ve got, and I’m more than willing to help you out anyway I can.”

Before his brain can scream at him to stop, he’s wrapping his arms around her and covering her mouth with his, kissing her soundly. It’s a battle of teeth and tongues, both of them trying to take control from the other. Without breaking apart, Chris manages to get his key card out of his pocket and gets the door open, pushing both of them through it and slamming it behind them.

“This never goes beyond this room. We never talk about this ever again.” Chris gasps, pulling away from her just long enough to get the words out.

“Absolutely.” she agrees.

Clothes are torn off and tossed to the floor in a frenzy, and as soon as Chris drops his pants and boxers, Jo sinks to her knees and takes him in her mouth, swallowing him almost all the way down.

“Oh, fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Christ, yes, just like that.” he moans out.

He brings his right hand to her hair, holding it in a makeshift ponytail while his left hand goes to her shoulder.

She almost makes him lose his mind with the things she can do with her tongue, and within minutes, he’s fucking her face roughly as spit runs down her chin and tears are springing to her eyes from the assault on her throat, but she loves it. She has the man she’s fantasized about for years shoving his cock down her throat, and she’s never been more turned on in her life. She smirks to herself as she wonders if his wife ever sucks him off like THIS.

When he can’t stand it anymore, Chris pulls her off his dick and takes a few deep breaths.

“I need a condom.”

“Right. I have one in my purse.” she tells him as she reaches for her bag and finds it and hands it to him.

“Get on the bed. On your hands and knees.” he says roughly. While her mouth was wrapped around him, he was mesmerized and couldn’t look away, but now he finds that he doesn’t even want to look at her face. He rolls the condom over his cock, giving it a few strokes before sinking into her from behind.

Tears stream down my face as I process all of what Chris just told me, and I can’t even BREATHE with how devastated I feel. It’s like a hole just got punched through my chest. I try and take a breath in, but it turns into a strangled sob and I drop my head into my hands and just let it out.

Chris swallows thickly, wiping away his own tears as he watches me fall apart across from him, wishing that he could do something.....ANYTHING to take all the pain away. To go back and undo everything that he did so you wouldn’t hurt. All he feels is deep, unrelenting shame and he knows in his gut that if you asked for a divorce after hearing all of his sins laid bare, he wouldn’t be surprised or even have the right to be devastated. He made his bed.

I feel bile rising in my throat, and I stumble to my feet and race to the downstairs bathroom, falling to my knees and vomiting painfully as the image of my husband kissing this woman and fucking her run through my head. I barely notice Chris come into the bathroom until I feel him pulling my hair back and securing it with a hair tie, and rubbing my back softly. I can’t even find the breath or the energy to tell him to get away from me and drop dead.

I’m so damn tired. Like, I don’t think I’ve ever felt this level of physical and mental exhaustion before. I sink back into the pillows a little more, and look over at Chris. Neither one of us have said a word since he picked me up off the bathroom floor and stood there with his arm around my waist as I brushed my teeth. That was 45 minutes ago.

“It was just sex?” I ask.

He exhales. “It was just sex. It was just once.”

I look back up at the ceiling and try and make sense of everything.

“I don’t understand. I don’t understand any of it. I don’t understand why you would sleep with another woman.”

“I-I don’t know. I was lonely because we were fighting, and I missed you so goddamn much, and I was afraid of what was happening to us with all of the stress and I just......I got drunk, and I did a horrible thing. I did a horrible thing, and I wish that I could take it back. I wish I could take it back so bad it hurts. But I can’t. And I have to live with that for the rest of my life.” Chris says.

I lift my eyes to meet his. “You were lonely? That’s your excuse? You were lonely, and you were upset. So you stuck your dick in another woman.”

I stand at the kitchen sink and drain a glass of water in record time, and refill it. Turns out crying all day and then puking can kind of dehydrate you. I can sense Chris behind me, even though he doesn’t say anything.

“Two years ago, a couple of weeks after you left for Africa to start shooting the movie, I found out I was pregnant. We hadn’t even officially started trying yet, so it came as a pretty big surprise. But I was so happy, and I couldn’t wait to tell you. I didn’t want to tell you over the phone, especially when you were so far away, so I was going to surprise you when you came home. I had it all planned out. I practiced telling you standing in front of the bathroom mirror, just so I could see the stupid happy look on my face.”

I feel tears prick my eyes, and I swallow down the sob that I feel threatening to come out. I turn towards Chris, and the look on his face is heartbreaking.

“What?” he breathes out.

“I was at a job.....I was shooting a birthday party for a little girl who was turning one. All I could think about was that that was going to be us eventually, and it made me so happy. Everything was fine, but then I started having horrible pain in my stomach. It got so bad that I collapsed, and the parents called 911 when they realized that I was bleeding. They did an ultrasound at the hospital, but they couldn’t find the baby’s heartbeat. I had already miscarried. You don’t know anything about feeling lonely until you’re by yourself laying on a table with your feet in stirrups while a doctor cleans out your uterus.”

Chris is sunk down in one of the kitchen chairs with his hand over his mouth and tears running down his face. This is the first time he’s hearing any of this.

“Why didn’t-” his voice cracks, and he takes a minute and clears his throat before he tries again. “Why the hell didn’t you call me? Why didn’t you tell me? I would have come home!”

“Chris, you were 8,000 miles away from home. There wasn’t anything you could do. It was too late. They had to do the procedure as soon as possible. I didn’t.....I hadn’t told anyone else that I was pregnant. And I didn’t want to call your mom or sisters because I didn’t want them to find out. I knew if they found out they would call you, and you would be devastated. And I couldn’t do that to you when you were so far away. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you. I was trying to protect you.”

The sound of his fist slamming against the heavy oak table makes me jump.

“And what about over the last two years? Huh? Don’t you think that I had a right to know? Don’t you think I had the right as your husband, to be there with you? To comfort you? To mourn with you? To even have a fucking clue about what happened?”

I take a deep breath.

“You did. You should have been there. You should have been there with me to hold my hand and cry with me and tell me that it was going to be okay, even though it was a lie. But you weren’t. You were doing your job. I don’t know if you realize it, but when you leave for work or press or whatever it is that you have to leave me for, you’re not the only one who’s lonely. You’re not the only one who has to deal with the silence. But you don’t see me going out and fucking someone else.”

Tears start to swim in my eyes again, and I suddenly feel like if I don’t get out of the house right now, I’m going to suffocate. I’ve been in here with Chris literally all day while we picked apart his affair, and I’m exhausted. I’m hurt and emotional and talking about the baby that we lost just made everything worse.

“I’m gonna go. I just.....I can’t handle anything else today. I know you’re probably really pissed off at me right now, and honestly, the feeling is mutual. Things are already about as bad as they can be, so I’m gonna leave before we have a chance to make it worse.”

The last thing I see before I walk out the door is Chris sitting at the table with his head in his hands, sobbing while Dodger sits on the floor next to him, whining in distress.

The Usual Suspects: @averyrogers83 @wordywarriorwrites @imanuglywombat @joannaliceevans-fanficblog @hlkwrites @reminiscingrogers @mom—nicole @jtargaryen18 @alexakeyloveloki @kelbabyblue @sarahp879 @moonlessnight14 @mojean13 @mrskokitztelford @artisticrogers1972 @southerngracela @star-spangled-man-with-a-plan @mybesttobobcratchit @gracethegeek9902 @mdemontespan1667 @marvelfansworld @capslut2014 @dispatchvampire @jamielea81 @jamesbarnesappreciationsociety @nerdy-bookworm-1998 @southerngracela @what-is-your-plan-today @letsdisneythings @theladybiers @lexeeehhh @sweater-daddiesdumbdork @autumnrose40 @donutloverxo @harrysthiccthighss @jessaywahh-blog@smediumsmeatbae @before-we-get-started @lizette50 @littlegasps @rageshots @what-is-your-backupplan-today @clairebubbles @patzammit @sweet--catrastophe @pandaxnienke @redhairedfeistynerd @hails270105 @syms-things-5 @chezdricks @denisemarieangelina @christ0pher-evans @supersquirrel1996 @thumbeliina

#blue christmas #chris evans #chris evans x wife #chris evans x kelly evans #rpf #cheating #angst #miscarriage #infertility #back to that night

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tiifalockhart · 4 years ago

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The Turk’s Types

Anonymous asked: I like your first class types hcs! Do you think you could maybe do some Reno, Tseng, Rude and Rufus?! :0 I would love that!!

Pairings: Reno x Reader/Rude x Reader/Tseng x Reader/Rufus x Reader

A/N: honestly, if this wasn’t going to be requested eventually, I would have ended up writing it regardless haha I love prompts like this and I look forward to hopefully doing an Avalanche version of it as well!!

Reno

Reno claims that he doesn’t have a type, but he definitely does.

He wants someone that he can joke around with and chill will

“Good vibes only” or whatever that means

He also wants someone who isn’t shy of attention, because damn, he’s gonna be catcalling and showing them off to everyone.

He loves giving them attention, he doesn’t even want it in return necessarily

(Even though he already knows that he’ll easily win that attention)

He’ll also want someone he can trust with gossip

Of course, Reno will come home with lots to talk about, his S/O won’t be able to get him to stop talking most of the time

He’s definitely a bad influence on his S/O

It’s nothing too bad, just harmless pranks from time-to-time, but everyone notices how his S/O adopt his cackle.

In the end, he’ll want someone where he can find comfort in them and where he can be taken care of

Looks definitely don’t matter

As long as you fit these types above, you’ll have Reno wrapped around your finger

Rude

Rude, out of everyone, probably has the most strict type

It’s definitely not a secret anymore that he was interested in Tifa at some point in the story

Inspired by this, I feel like he would definitely be into women who can pack a punch

Someone who is strong and independent, but also kind and loving

(Fairly similar to him)

Now, this doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to be strong in terms of physical strength

He’ll definitely like someone who he can protect and take care of (similar to Reno)

Rude also wants someone who will comfort him

He doesn’t think he’s a bad man, but he knows his job makes him bad things. It weighs heavy on his conscience.

He’ll want to have someone where he can be vulnerable, where he can lean on his S/O’s shoulder if he needed to

Sensitivity is a big one for Rude, if you’re insensitive in any way, he probably wouldn’t be interested in a formal relationship.

Looks don’t matter to Rude

It’ll take several dates and hang-outs for him to actually open up to a relationship.

Tseng

Tseng, out of all the Turks, would be the most closed off when it comes to a relationship

He’ll be fairly distant and uninterested for the most part.

It takes a lot, and I mean a lot, to convince him to be in a relationship

Tseng would want someone slightly opposite of him, someone who completes him

This means someone who is in better moods than he is most of the time

He’d probably want someone younger or his age, and would only be interested in a relationship if it meant staying together for a long time

Tseng definitely would like someone with a sense of humor

His job takes a lot out of him at times, so he’ll need someone to lighten him up and take away some of the stress

He’ll also want someone where he can feel vulnerable (this is a big one)

He knows he can’t show weakness around his colleagues and coworkers, even his friends

It’s very taxing for him to remain this sly and stoic person, there’s much to unpack when it comes to him

He’ll want someone he knows he can talk to about anything. So what if he tells you all of Shinra’s secrets? It’s a lot to deal with on his own.

He’ll never want his S/O to get involved with Shinra’s business or affairs, he wouldn’t risk being caught in public with you honestly

Eventually, years into the relationship, he’ll be more open to it, but once things start getting bad with Avalanche, Shinra, etc., his priority is to get his S/O somewhere safe.

Looks don’t matter to him honestly, it’s something he typically overlooks when it comes to people anyways (unless they seem suspicious).

Rufus

Rufus, unsurprisingly, has a pretty strict type.

He’ll definitely want someone that he chooses for himself, no one that his father recommends

Honestly, consider your relationship ruined if his father brings you up

It’s pretty unfortunate regarding his S/Os, which leads him to be fairly secretive about his relationships

The paparazzi wouldn’t catch him dead with his S/O, that’s how serious it is.

Realistically, he knows it would be putting you in danger to be seen with him anyways

For the most part, his relationships would either end up being a long-distance one, or a one night stand and never seeing each other again

Lucky for his partner he considers “the one,” he’ll set up a private mailing route directly from wherever he’s staying to his S/Os home, so they’ll never have to worry about never seeing gifts or letters, or worry about someone tracking them

Also he may or may not set up a private connection between his and his S/Os phone

Vice President privilege maybe?

As awful as it sounds, I would be lying if I said Rufus doesn’t care for looks

He definitely does

He doesn’t expect you to be model material, because those typically end up being one night stands

His standard of beauty is different, considering most of the people he’s spent his life around have been his ugly father or typical run-of-the-mill maids or butlers

Honestly, if you look unique in his eyes, with a matching unique personality, he’ll be intrigued to say the least

It’s just a matter of impressing him enough to actually get a date

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mcnuggyy · 2 years ago

Note

Another RF question! Did Hev ever make any friends/ form any relationships with humans while on earth? Did they avoid it because they knew humans would die eventually/learn about their real nature as a unicorn?

They sure did!!! I actually have a rough timeline I shared before that explores just a few of the little adventures and people and groups Hev befriends on their time on earth!! If it wasn’t for those relationships I’m not sure if Hev would have ended up loving humans as much as they do ykno? And death was never something Hev really feared or had negative feelings about… yes they were sad and heartbroken about the loss of friends along the way, but how else would they have known just how valuable and important those people were to them? Death is what can make life even more valuable, makes kindness even more important, makes love more important, makes time together more important, it makes everything about being human more important! Or at least that’s how Hev sees it! They like that there’s a natural end to things and this is where their whole mindset of unicorns and humans needing each other really starts to blossom! (There’s a lot to unpack with their philosophy but I’ll get to it some day Jaja)

But yes!!! The first human Hev ever properly met and befriended was an older woman who adopted them off the streets and gave them a proper meal and home. In the end when she passed she kind of new Hev wasn’t really human, though In her eyes she probably saw Hev more like a guardian angel or a spirit Jaja, but this was Hev’s first big lesson on how easy it is for humans to just be kind and giving to the strangers around them without looking for anything in return asides from some company <3 ( Hev also witnesses a lot of fucked up and cruel and inhuman shit too… and while that might make another unicorns see humans as not worth their time, it’s the opposite for Hev, I’ll talk more about this later also cause it’s a lot jajaja)

But yeah!!! Hope this answers your questions yahoo!! :-] you can find the timeline I drew here if ya need it!

#callate guero #replies #the rainbow factory #ocs

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4stars-uswnt · 4 years ago

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A Shoulder to Lean On [Preath x Daughter!Reader]

requested by anon: More preath with daughter!reader? Something a little angsty where the reader came from a toxic home and can’t communicate her feelings very well with them and they’re worried about her a lot. And she finally feels safe enough to tell them she’s not been doing well mentally and they comfort her.

A/N: hope everyone had a happy holidays and a happy new year!! after a much much needed break, here’s some writing! lol it’s pretty long but i hope y’all enjoy it :)

warnings: mention and brief description of abuse, mention of bullying, slight swearing

“You ready, kiddo?” Tobin asks, as she rolls her suitcase to the front door of the apartment.

“Mhmm,” you hum. “I still don’t see why I have to go with you guys. I’m old enough to stay at home alone, and I’ve done it before.”

“You know why.” Christen gives you a stern glare, reminding you of the exact reason, as you roll your eyes.

A couple days ago, you had gotten into a fight at school. One of the guys in your class had been picking on you, calling you names, hitting you, and asking why your moms would adopt anyone like you, not that you’d told Tobin or Christen any of this.

Ever since you had been adopted about two years ago, when you were 15, you hadn’t been the best at openly communicating with your moms, especially about your feelings. Your previous home life wasn’t the best, as your biological parents would verbally, and sometimes even, physically abuse you.

After going through that whole ordeal and then jumping around in foster care, you weren’t used to expressing your emotions nor were you used to having people, like Tobin and Christen, who actually cared for you.

So when the two soccer players took you in and adopted you, it was certainly an adjustment for you. You found yourself often bottling everything up and then lashing out, usually taking form in a yelling match between you and your moms.

Both Tobin and Christen, but particularly the curly-haired forward, were worried about you. They knew you hadn’t ever actually had the chance to process the traumatic events of your childhood, and your coping mechanism of keeping it all to yourself was not healthy. However, every time they tried to talk to you, you would brush them off.

Though, their worried had been heightened a couple of days ago, when they’d found out you’d resorted to physical violence, punching a boy in the face. But they couldn’t let your actions go unpunished, hence why you were traveling with them to Cincinnati for the USWNT’s SheBelieves Cup training camp and matches.

“Whatever,” you mutter under your breath.

“Come on, this is hardly a punishment.” Christen squeezes your shoulder, decidedly ignoring your comment, and picks up her bag, motioning for you to do the same. “In fact, I’m sure you’ll enjoy yourself.”

“I doubt it.” You grab your duffel, as the three of you make your way downstairs.

“Emily and Lindsey will be there,” Tobin offers, knowing that might cheer you up. Living in Portland, you spent a lot of time with the two blonde women and formed a sisterly relationship with them.

You shrug, trying to hide the excitement bubbling within you.

“Come on you two,” Christen calls over her shoulder, as she packs the suitcases into the trunk of the Uber.

“Just try and tone down the attitude, for your mom’s sake, okay kiddo?” Tobin suggests, patting your shoulder. You roll your eyes but nod in agreement.

“Let’s just get this over with,” you huff quietly to yourself, sliding into the backseat, as the three of you make your way to the airport.

——————

As you walk into the lobby of the hotel, trailing behind your moms, you hear someone call your name.

“(Y/N)!” Emily runs across the room and hops on your bag, Lindsey following close behind.

You wince, as the two older women crash into you and squish your body.

“You’re here at camp!” Lindsey claps your shoulder. “We’re gonna have so much fun.”

“Yeah.” You shrug. “I’m gonna head up to my room.”

You give them a small smile, wiggling out of their hold, and approach your moms.

“Could I have a key to the room please?”

“Here you go.” Christen pulls out the card from her coat pocket, placing it in your hand. “We’re having team dinner at 6, so be down by then.”

You nod and head down the hall to the elevators.

—————

A couple hours later, after you’d unpacked, showered, and scrolled through your phone, you walked into the large conference room, where the team dinner was set up.

Knowing the routine by now, you grabbed a plate and began to serve yourself some food. Scanning the room, you decide to take a seat next to Sonny and across from Lindsey, your moms only a few seats down.

As you begin to take a bite of salad, you feel Emily nudge your elbow. “So was what you did so bad that your parents had to force you to come to camp?” The defender shovels a mouth full of food, looking at you expectantly.

You furrow your brow. “Huh?”

“Well,” Lindsey chimes in. “You rarely ever come to national camp anymore, and when you do it’s usually a punishment of some sort because you look miserable.”

“Fair.” You nod, taking another bite.

“Well, you gonna spill the beans?” Mal asks, joining the conversation.

“Just stuff at school.” You shrug, as the youngsters around you exchange glances.

“What happened at school?” Rose raises her eyebrows.

“Nothing,” you mumble, ducking you head. “I don’t really wanna talk about it.”

Ignoring you, Sonnett keeps pushing. “Did you not do your homework? Get a bad grade on a test? Ooooo did you get into a fight?” The defender leans forward on the edge of her seat, poking your arm, as the rest of the younger players pause their meal, eagerly awaiting your answer.

You feel yourself getting increasingly agitated, and you clench your hand around your fork.

“Emily!” Tobin calls out from across the table. “Stop being so nosy and cut it—”

“I said I didn’t wanna talk about it!” You yell, as you slam your fist down onto the table, causing the plates and silverware to clatter. The entire room goes silent, everybody turning to look at you to see what’ll happen next.

“(Y/N) (Y/M/N) Press-Heath!” Christen scolds, giving you a glare, nodding her head to the door. “Outside, now.”

You drop your utensils and push your chair away from the table, following your mom out of the room.

Once the two of you are alone out in the hallway, the silence becomes unbearable. Feeling ashamed and embarrassed, you hang your head and avoid eye contact with Christen.

“(Y/N), what happened in there?” Anger evident was evident in the forward’s voice, but she remained calm.

You shrug your shoulders, putting your hands in your hoodie pocket.

Frustrated by your behavior, Christen sighs, “That behavior is absolutely unacceptable, and you know that, (Y/N/N). You want to tell me what’s going on?”

“It’s nothing, mom,” you murmur, intensely staring at the plain pattern on the hotel carpet.

“Look at me, honey.” Christen gently lifts your chin with her finger, her eyes softening. “Talk to me.”

You lock eyes with your mom and feel guilt pulling at your heart. You knew that your parents wanted what was best for you and that they actually cared for you, unlike your biological ones, but after what you’d been through, you couldn’t bring yourself to open up very easily.

“I’m just tired,” you easily lie, your eyes fleeting from Christen’s green orbs.

“Okay,” your mom sighs in defeat. “Well in that case, go upstairs and get some rest.”

You give her a small smile and turn to make your way towards the elevators. Before you could get too far, Christen calls after you, “And don’t come back down until you’ve lost the attitude!”

Looking back at her, you throw up a thumbs up, before pushing the up button. After a quick elevator ride up to the third floor, you unlock the hotel room you shared with your moms. Glancing over at your backpack leaning against the desk, you know you should probably start your homework and study for your biology test, but the bed calls to you, and before you know it, you’re fast asleep under the covers, sleep taking over.

—————

The next morning, you wake up in a bed all by yourself. Looking over at the opposite bed, you notice it’s empty, your moms already up. You glance at the clock. 8:17 am. Rolling over to grab your phone of the nightstand, you check your text messages and see one from the group chat with your moms.

Ma 🤙:

Morning kiddo. Breakfast starts at 8 but we didn’t wanna wake you. Hope you slept well. Please be down before 9. Love u

You simply give the text a thumbs up, before sliding out of bed and making your way to the bathroom for a shower.

Once the water is to the temperature of your liking, you step under the hot water, steam filling the bathroom. You were honestly grateful your moms had already gone down to breakfast, as it left you alone to shower in peace.

When you were back at your old home, the shower was the only place you could escape. You would use it as a place of refuge, where the water would drown out all the noise of your parents’ yelling and screaming, numb the pain of your cuts and bruises, and leave you to empty your mind.

Closing your eyes, you let the water hit your face and drip down your body. You try to feel every single drop when it hits and as it falls, grounding yourself in the present.

After a few minutes, you pull your head out from under the water, wipe your eyes, and get on with cleaning yourself.

Once you’ve finished showering and getting dressed, you make your way down to breakfast. You grab a banana and a yogurt before sitting down across from your moms.

“Good morning, sweetie,” Christen coos. “How’d you sleep?”

“Good,” you respond, as you peel your banana.

“You feeling better?” Tobin subtly asks, raising her eyebrow at you.

You nod, your mouth too full to voice a response.

The two women exchange a worried glance, causing you to roll your eyes. “Moms, I’m fine.”

“Alright, kiddo,” Tobin sighs. “Just know if you ever need to talk about anything, we’re here for you.”

“Thanks,” you mumble, giving her a small smile.

“Well,” Christen starts, as she begins to clear her plate. “We have to leave for training in about ten minutes, so you either have two options: you can either come to the field with us and watch training or you can stay at the hotel and do your homework and study for that test coming up.”

You grimace at your options, not really like either of them. Before you can formulate your decision, your mom interjects, “And yes, you would actually have to do homework. Phil agreed to stay back with you of that’s what you choose.”

“Like a babysitter?” You scoff.

“No,” Christen calmly states. “Just someone to make sure you’re actually doing your work. And Phil does have an MD, so he’d probably be able to help you with your biology.”

“I think I’d rather come watch your training,” you decide, wanting to see your moms play, also having some interest in the sport of soccer.

“Awesome!” Tobin grins at you. The forward had been trying to warm you up to the idea of playing soccer, obviously not pushing anything onto you, but she couldn’t be faulted for trying.

“Okay.” Christen nods, putting a hand on her girlfriend’s arm to calm her down. “That means you will have to study and finish your work later.” She gives you a stern look, daring you to protest.

You nod, taking one last bite of your strawberry yogurt and putting the banana peel in the plastic cup.

“Okie dokie. It’s time to go. Let’s get moving.” Tobin slaps the table, getting up from her seat.

After quickly cleaning up breakfast, you follow your moms, along with the rest of the team, onto the bus. Looking down the aisle, you try to find an open seat, knowing your moms sit together.

“(Y/N)!” Emily shouts, waving to you from the back of the bus. “Come sit with us.”

You make your way towards where all the youngsters sat and see that Emily and Lindsey have squished together, making room for you on the aisle seat.

As you plop down, Sonnett rests her hand on your shoulder. “(Y/N), I’m sorry about yesterday. I shouldn’t have been so nosy. It won’t happen again.”

“Thanks, Em.” You nod, a small smile on your face. “And I’m sorry for snapping and yelling like I did.”

“It’s no problem, (Y/N/N).” Emily grins, ruffling your hair, as she goes back to being her goofy self.

For the rest of the bus ride, you watch and listen to the youngsters antics, ranging from Sam’s terrible puns to Mal’s mediocre rapping. To your surprise, you find yourself having a decent time, glad to be spending time with people somewhat close to your age.

—————

After getting off the bus and arriving to the field, the team slips on their gear and starts warming up. You find a seat on the bench, bundling up in your mom’s puffy jacket.

About an hour and a half later, Vlatko blows his whistle, signaling the official end of practice, but a bunch of the players remain on the field, either getting in some last minute shots or playing a fun game of 1v1 or 2v2.

“Hey, (Y/N/N)!” Lindsey yells from across the field, where her Emily and Mal are playing keep away. “Come join us.”

You glance over to your moms, silently asking for approval, to which they both give you a thumbs up and large grins, encouraging you to go play.

Getting up from the bench, you jog over to the group of younger players.

“So it’s gonna be me and you versus Sonny and Mal. Sound good?” The blonde midfielder asks you, passing the ball to your feet.

All you can do is nod, before Emily is quickly pressuring you, almost stealing the ball. Trying to remember a move you’ve seen Tobin do a million times before, you roll the ball out in front of you, baiting the blonde defender, and then quickly slip it through Sonnett’s legs, passing it to Lindsey.

“Wooooo!” Tobin cheers from behind you. “Nice move, kiddo!”

“You taught her well, babe,” Christen gushes to her girlfriend, bumping their shoulders.

For a second, all Emily can do is stand in disbelief. “I can’t believe you just megged me, (Y/N/N). How could you do that to me?” She gasps, feigning offense, as she puts her hand on her chest.

Rolling your eyes, you playfully shove the older woman. “Don’t be so dramatic, Sonny.”

As the four of you continue your game of keep away, you can’t help but love the way the ball feels at your feet and the way you have complete control over it. The control and freedom of the game feels nice, practically foreign.

Lindsey makes a pass to you, splitting the two defenders. Once you receive the ball, Emily is, once again, quickly on your back, but this time, as you hold the ball away from her, shielding it with your body, she can’t control her momentum and crashes into you.

You fall to the ground with a huff, feeling the wind knocked out of you, as you’re not really used to the physicality of soccer. Rolling over so you can sit up, you grimace. “Ouch.”

“Oh, come on, (Y/N/N),” Emily chuckles, as she moves to stand over you, holding out her arm to help you up. “That tackle wasn’t that hard, probably didn’t even hurt at all. Don’t be such a baby.”

The words ring in your head, triggering old memories of the man who called himself your father. ‘Don’t be such a baby,’ he’d say whenever you whined about something, even though that was to be expected of a five year old. ‘Don’t be such a baby,’ he’d say as he slapped or kicked you. ‘Don’t be such a baby,” he’d say when you told him about the bullies at school. ‘Don’t be such a baby,’ he’d say, and so you didn’t, at least you tried.

As you ground yourself back in the present moment, you to catch your breath, as you gasp for air. The rage ultimately consumes you, as your blinded by the pent up anger and resentment you held towards your father.

You abruptly push yourself up off the ground and get in Emily’s face. “Don’t talk to me like that!” You grit between your teeth.

“Woah, (Y/N).” Emily backs away from you, holding her hands up in innocence. “Calm down.”

“Don’t tell me to calm down!” You yell, pushing the other woman’s shoulders, causing her to stumble backwards.

“Alright, (Y/N/N).” Lindsey quickly moves in between the two of you. “You’re okay.” She tries to calm you down, but to no avail.

Tobin and Christen, hearing the commotion and your yelling, run over to you and gently but firmly grab you, pulling you away from the blonde defender.

“Come on, (Y/N),” Christen scolds. “We’re going back to the hotel. Now.”

The three of you make your way towards one of the team vans, your moms deciding it would be better than to ride back on the bus with the rest of the team.

During the ride back to the hotel, a tense silence hung in the air. You still hadn’t cooled off, your fists clenched and your knees bouncing. Though your mom was upset by your behavior, she couldn’t help but worry, stealing glances at you in the rear view mirror.

The elevator ride is much more of the same, no one daring to speak until you’re in the privacy of the hotel room. Even as you enter the room and take a seat on your bed across from your parents, you’re still silent, waiting for your moms to yell at you.

Tobin waits, her eyes darting between her daughter and her girlfriend, as she knows Christen is usually the disciplinary out of the two of them. Christen, herself, is choosing her words wisely, not wanting her frustration to boil over.

“(Y/N),” your mom begins her scolding. “That behavior is absolutely unacceptable! It’s one thing to be getting into fights at school, but here, at our workplace and with our teammates, that won’t be tolerated.”

You hang your head, as you fidget with your fingers, feeling ashamed and embarrassed.

“Look at me when I’m talking to you, sweetie,” Christen gently directs. Lifting your head, you meet the looks of both your moms, and you can’t stop the guilt from bubbling in your chest.

“I’m sorry, moms,” you whisper. “I didn’t mean to embarrass you, or disappoint you.”

“Thank you for your apology.” Your moms move to seat on either side of you.

“We forgive you, kiddo.” Tobin says, taking your hand in hers. “But we’re worried about you. And until you talk to us and tell us what’s going on, we can’t help you and that’s all we want to do.”

You slightly shake your head in disbelief. “Why?”

“What?” Your ma furrows her brows, confused.

“Why do you wanna help me?” You say a little louder, getting frustrated by the thoughts in your own head. After having to fend for yourself for so long, the thought of depending on others was still difficult for you to accept.

“Because we care, (Y/N). We love you,” Christen cries, as her voice cracks, and she rubs your back soothingly.

“Well I don’t need your help!” You exclaim angrily, shaking off your moms hands, as you stand up from the bed to turn to face them.

At your outburst, Christen’s heart breaks with the weight of defeat. Taking a deep breath, trying to compose herself, her face hardens.

“Watch your tone when you speak to us,” your mom sternly states, her eyes telling you that she’s not messing around. “You’re going to stay in this room and finish your homework and study for your test. No TV, no phone, nothing but your school work. Got it?”

You nod, gulping down the knot in your throat, as tears burn your eyes.

“Hand over the phone, kiddo.” Tobin holds her hand out and gives you a sympathetic smile.

Reaching into your back pocket, you pull out your phone and and place it into your moms open hand.

“We’ll leave you to it.” Christen moves closer to you, before kissing your forehead. “We love you, (Y/N/N), and that’s why we’re doing this.”

All you can do is watch as your moms exit the room, Tobin grabbing the television remotes on her way out. Sighing, you plop down on the bed and run your hand through your hair.

For a second, you contemplate just taking a nap and not doing any of your work, but you knew if you did that, your moms would be even more upset, and you did’t want to test that.

So, you unwillingly sit down at the desk and pull out your laptop and notebooks, starting with your history homework.

—————

After about two hours, you’d completed all your homework and started reviewing for your biology test. It wasn’t that school was hard or that you had trouble understanding the material, it was just that you did’t like doing the monotonous work. You never really saw the point in doing homework if you already understood the concepts.

You check the clock and notice it’s 6 o’clock, almost dinner time. Sitting up straight, you stretch arch forward, stretching your back and lifting your arms.

You wonder what your moms wanted you to do for dinner, but seeing as you had no way to contact them, you decide just to quickly grab something from the team’s buffet and pray they don’t see you. However, you have a feeling they wouldn’t be too upset at you for not staying in the room if you were getting food, but you knew you’d pushed the envelope earlier, so you honestly didn’t know what to expect.

Quietly closing the door behind you, you quickly make your way down the hall towards the elevator. Just as you’re about to turn the corner, you hear your mom’s voice.

“I just don’t know what to do. I mean she’s never really opened up to us that much, but she’s never resorted to violence.”

Immediately you press yourself against the wall, hiding yourself but also so you can hear what they’re gonna say.

“Well, I don’t know if you can keep bringing her to camp anymore, especially if she’s gonna act like that.” You hear Megan’s voice echo in the hallway, and you feel a pit form in your stomach.

“Hey,” Tobin protests, coming to your defense. “(Y/N)’s a good kid. I think she’s just been through some stuff, but I think she enjoys coming to camp and hanging out with the team, even maybe playing soccer.”

You fondly smile, hearing your ma defend you to her good friend, even when you weren’t there.

“I think I’m gonna run up some dinner to her after we eat,” Christen says, worry evident in her voice. “I may have been too harsh on her.”

“Babe, it’s a tough situation, but I think you handled it very well,” Tobin tries to ease her girlfriend’s concerns.

“Hey, why don’t I bring her her dinner and maybe talk to her a little?” Ashlyn offers. “I mean I just thought I might be able to get through to her, maybe even share some of my own experiences with her.”

“That’d be great, Ash, thanks.” You see your mom, but you can hear the smile in her voice.

You don’t hear the rest of the conversation, as you turn around and quickly make your way back to your room, now that you know Ash is bringing you some food.

—————

It was about an hour later when you hear a knock on the door. “Hey, (Y/N), it’s Ashlyn. I brought you some dinner.”

Getting up from the desk, you go to open the door, revealing the blonde goalkeeper holding a plate of food. “Hey, Ash. Thanks for the food.”

“Can I come in?”

You bite your lip, weighing your options. “Yeah, sure.” Opening the door wider, you move to let her in.

Following her into the room, you place your plate on the desk, after moving your work to the side. You sit down to start eating, when you notice that Ashlyn is still watching you from the end of your bed.

“Ummm,” you mumble awkwardly. “Was there something you wanna talk about?” You ask, even though you already had a good idea as to where this conversation was heading.

Ash takes a deep breath before talking. “Look, (Y/N), I’m just gonna be straight up with you. I know about the fight you had at school, and I saw what happened at dinner last night, and I saw the almost fight you had with Sonnett today at practice. And I know that you’re not that kid, because I’ve heard what your moms have had to say about you.

“But I also know that this aggression, this anger, that you have, it’s not healthy. I don’t know if it’s some pent up shit or if it’s something you’re going through currently, but whatever it is that’s bothering you, it’s not gonna go away if you keep it to yourself.

“And honestly, I should know because I’ve dealt with some tough shit that life’s dealt me, but you know what? I didn’t get through that alone, and neither will you. But luckily, you have two amazing and supportive moms that are there for you, and will support and love you, but only if you let them. You even have all of us because this team is a family, and so now you’re part of that.

“So basically, I’m just here if you wanted to talk. It doesn’t even have to be about school or what’s been happening. Could be about anything: your favorite food, the stupid biology test I heard you’ve been studying for, Tobin’s weird obsession with using the same three emojis, Christen’s morning routine, whatever you want, I’m here.”

During Ashlyn’s speech, a whirl of emotions circulate your body, but most of all, you feel warm. You feel warm knowing you have people in your corner rooting for you, something you weren’t entirely familiar with before.

Almost as if the older woman’s words had knocked down a damn, your eyes flood with tears, sobs wrecking your body.

“I just— I’ve never had anybody who— They were always so mean— I could never say anything— I didn’t want—,” you gasp, struggling to breath with the intensity of your crying.

“Shhhhh, it’s gonna be okay. You’re gonna be okay. Everything’s gonna be okay,” Ash coos, as she wraps her arms around you, allowing you to cry into her chest.

After a couple of minutes, after your tears have subsided and your breathing’s evened out, you sniffle, pulling out of the goalie’s embrace.

“I didn’t really have the best childhood growing up with my biological family, you know, before Tobin and Christen,” you begin to explain the shortened and simplified version of your story.

“My parents weren’t the best, actually they were the worst,” you say with a chuckle, knowing that was an understatement. “The kids at school, Emily at the dinner table and at practice, it’s all just a trigger, reminding me of things my parents used to do and say. I guess, when I was younger, I never really processed what happened, so now, I just react with all this anger that I have for my parents.”

“(Y/N).” Ashlyn squeezes your shoulder. “Thank you for sharing that with me. I really think that if you talked to Tobin and Christen and opened up to them, even if it’s just what they told me, they’d still love you and support you.”

“Really?” You ask, uncertain.

“Mhmm,” she hums. “As much as it would calm their worrying, and you know how much Chris can worry sometimes,” the two of you share a laugh at that, “I think that this is something you need as well: to have parents in your life who will actually be parents for you, who will guide you, support you, love and care for you, tell you when you’re being stupid, give you advice, let you make bad decisions because that’s how you’ll learn, let you be your true self. I think, deep down, that that’s something you truly want.”

You follow her words and nod. “Yeah,” you sigh. “I do want that.”

Ashlyn gives you a soft smile, as she stands up from the bed. “How about I go get your moms and you guys can talk?”

“That’d be great,” you agree. Just as Ash’s about to leave, you call out to her, “And Ash?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.” You give her a sincere smile, trying to convey your gratitude.

Ashlyn just nod with a grin, receiving your message, before leaving the room and shutting the door behind her.

—————

After Ash left, you started to pace around the room, nerves fluttering in your stomach, as you were mentally rehearsing what you were gonna say to your moms.

About ten minutes later, a knock on the door interrupts your thoughts. “Sweetie,” you hear Christen’s muffled voice. “Can we come in?”

“Yeah,” you call back, resuming your pacing, as the two women enter the room.

“Hey, kiddo.” Tobin approaches you. “Ash said you wanted to talk to us?”

“Yeah.” You take a deep breath and shake your hands, ridding yourself of the nerves. As you sit down on the bed, both of your moms take a seat opposite you on the other bed.

“I just wanted to explain some stuff to you guys, tell you my story or whatever, you know, all that jazz,” you stammered awkwardly.

“(Y/N/N), we don’t want you to feel pressured to tell us anything if you’re not ready,” Christen assures.

“No, I need to share this with you. I want to,” you insist, adamantly shaking your head.

“Okay, we’re here for you.” Tobin nods, giving you an encouraging smile.

You take another deep breath before diving into the story of your life. “As you obviously know, my biological parents weren’t really fit for raising a child, which is why you adopted me, but you already knew that.”

You run your hands through your hair, as this was proving to be more difficult than you thought. But looking at the warm and understanding eyes of your moms, you push through.

“My parents, especially my father, were abusive, both verbally and physically. It started as early as I can remember. They would always be calling me names and insulting me if I didn’t do things correctly, even for the tiniest mistakes like leaving the toothpaste on the counter.

“Growing up with that and hearing it everyday, I started to believe it. I thought I was useless and stupid, a no good child, those words ingrained in my mind. But I was taught not to show any emotions. ‘Don’t be such a baby’ is what they’d always say to me.

“So, I learned to hide it all, even if that meant keeping it all to myself. I guess that’s why I’ve been acting out recently; it’s all bubbling over, exploding out of me.”

You quickly glance at your moms, scanning their faces for any hints of disgust or anger, but all you can see is empathy and sadness.

“I didn’t tell you this, but I guess I should’ve: the kids at school bully me, calling me names, insulting me, and sometimes even kicking me. Sometimes, they even talk about you two, why you’re together or why you would adopt someone like me.

“At dinner yesterday, Emily just kept pushing me to talk, which I’ve never really encountered before, and I was really uncomfortable, so I just snapped. And at training, she said ‘don’t be such a baby’ after she’d tackled me, and those words triggered all those memories of my father, and all that anger and hatred I have for him just came out.

Hanging your head, tears falling down your cheeks, you bite your trembling lip. “I know that doesn’t excuse my behavior, and I accept my punishments, but I just thought you should know my past, especially because your my moms and I’m your daughter.”

Through the blur of the pools in your eyes, you see your moms giving you a sad, fond smile.

Sniffling, you choke back a sob. “I’m sorry I’m not the perfect daughter you guys wanted, but I love you, moms.”

Tobin and Christen immediately move to either side of you, wrapping you up in their arms and rubbing soothing circles on your back.

“Oh, (Y/N/N),” Christen whispers, kissing your temple. “Sweetie, will you look at me.”

Lifting your head from the crook of her neck, you meet her teary eyes.

“(Y/N), we don’t want a perfect daughter. We want you, every single part of you, even the most scarred and damaged parts of you, because you know what?” She brushes loose hair out of your face.

“Hmm?”

“All those parts of you are what make you you. (Y/N), you are an incredibly intelligent, kind, caring, and beautiful soul, even with all your scars.”

“Don’t forget talented!” Tobin chirps from next to you. “I saw that nutmeg earlier today.” She smirks, as she gives you a knowing look, causing you all to share a wet chuckle.

“Thanks, moms.” You lean your head against Tobin’s shoulder and hold Christen’s hand, giving it a tight squeeze. “I’m so grateful for you, moms. I love you guys.”

“We love you, too, kiddo.” Your ma leans down to kiss the top of your head, as Christen lovingly snuggles against your side, humming in agreement.

“And just know that if you ever need to talk to anybody or just need a shoulder to lean or cry on, we’re always here for you.”

You nod against her shoulder and close your eyes, enjoying the feeling of contentment and warmth, the feeling of home that you found between the love of your moms.

#uswnt x reader #uswnt imagine #uswnt imagines #preath x reader #preath x daughter!reader #uswnt #tobin heath #christen press #preath

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