#even if their presence here is small
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Advertisement for video releases of Pioneer LDC titles (with an emphasis on Pretty Sammy)-- Newtype Magazine (09/1998)
#magical girl pretty sammy#mahou shoujo pretty sammy#pretty sammy#sasami kawai#kawai sasami#pixy misa#misao amano#magical girl anime#amano misao#magical girls#mahou shoujo#el hazard#battle athletes#90s anime#retro anime#newtype magazine#my scans#threw the other titles featured in the tags too#even if their presence here is small
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The idea that uni protesters are "elitist ivy-league rich kids larping as revolutionaries" on Twitter and Reddit and even here is so fucking funny to me if you actually know anything about the student bodies at these unis. Take it from someone who's going to one of the biggest private unis in the US, 80% of the peers I know are either from the suburbs or an apartment somewhere in America, children of immigrants, or here on a student visa. I've heard about one-percenter students, but I've never met one in person. Like, don't get me wrong, the institution as a whole is still very privileged and white. I've talked with friends and classmates about feeling weird or dissonant being here and coming from such a different background. But in my art program, I see BIPOC, disabled, queer, lower-income students and faculty trying to deconstruct and tear that down and make space every day. So to take a cursory glance at a crowd of student protesters in coalitions that are led by BIPOC & 1st/2nd-gen immigrant students and HQ'd in ethnic housings and student organizations and say, "ah. children of the elite." Get real.
#also idk how to tell you this but even if it were true. wealthy children potentially sacrificing their educational careers to protest is#a good thing actually. idk how to tell you that caring about people from other nations is good#personal#“this war has nothing to do with most students cuz nobody's getting drafted” idk how to explain to you that we should be angry#that our tuitions of 10s of thousands of dollars that we pay every year for an education is being used to fund a genocidal campaign#also the implication that if you go to a uni institution you are automatically privileged by participation no matter your bg#i didn't /want/ to go to this school. i was supposed to go to a school with an art/animation program. but i realized my immigrant#parents have been working their whole lives to get me here. and turning the opportunity down would be a disservice to their sacrifice#this is getting into convos of “what 2nd gen kids owe their parents” which is different for everyone but. yeah#i just get pissed off at seeing people misrepresenting student bodies as “wealthy” and “privileged” and “elite” when it's such a blatant li#i remember a year ago a friend told me they can't fly home to hong kong for winter break because the plane tickets are too expensive#so they have to find temporary housing around the area#last quarter for a film doc class my film partner made a doc on a small group of marxist grad students from india discussing praxis#during a rally a few months ago in response to police presence the coalition invited palestinian students to speak about their experiences#and lead songs and read poems they wrote. these are STUDENTS. are they elitist too?#this is not to disregard my own personal privilege either.#this whole narrative's just to rationalize a lack of empathy to me. seeing a 19yo student get shot by a rubber bullet and your first#reaction is “HAW! HAW! bet richy rich didn't see THAT coming when she put on her terrorist hood!”#newsflash. these big uni campuses are HAUNTED by the violence of past protests and revolutions and police brutality. we know.#why do you think these coalitions have been making reinforced barricades at record speed
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This is random but Salena has my sticker and even wilder: she noticed me 😱
Sdgkljfsgjutfsvjtd
Context under the line
So back in October I went to käärijä Berlin gig giving out some Bojere stickers I made. Five of those went to Mikke (another story but I had sort of promised to give him some xD).
This was however also the same gig where Salena joined Jere on stage. I didnt meet her in person but had a blast seeing her perform with the boy 🥹💚
Fast forward three months later (here's to me feeling old 🫠) and Salena had an IG live performance yesterday. One friend in that live (hi Niini :3) noticed others speaking about a sticker and got curious: lo and behold Salena had decorated her laptop with the exact sticker I had given people at the Berlin gig 😳😱
My theory is that Mikke must have given one of his five stickers to Salena as a thank you for her coming. And now I have to live with the blessed knowledge that Salena has Bojere art I made on her laptop 😭
But that is not all - when I realised that yesterday I made a story about it and today I got a message that Salena has replied 😱:
This may not seem as huge news to most of you but to me this is wild 😭
I have just gotten used to never being noticed (JO boys seems to look anywhere but at my fanart and the same with Jere *I have had häärijä and Mikke react a few times and dont get me wrong i love that too yet since it was back in November I start to wonder if it was a fluke*) and then she does this 🥺 how am I supposed to react now without coming off as awkward or creepy :'D
#i want to repeat the last sentence here:#how am i supposed to act that doesnt come off as awkward or creepy#i am so excited yet for what#she commented on the sticker?#idk#maybe it is a good thing that jere or jo never see or share my art#i would be the biggest mess#at the same time i want to let her know i appreciate this#and not come off as rude or ungrateful#i already feel rude and ungrateful for not have häärijä and mikke noticing my art back in oct-nov be enough#it can feel so disencouraging seeing the boys share all fanart but yours yk#at the same time who am i to even expect that#i am just this small little presence on ig#i have no authority#i should just be happy with what little i get and not complain#so yeah that is my thoughts about the whole thing rn#excited#overjoyed#but also worried#and overthinking my worth#the life of an autistic mess i guess#micahs thoughts#teya and salena
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#i feel like my presence here has narrowed so much because my life has narrowed so much to encompass mostly pain and frustration#with the medical system and disability and the state of my fucking country#and the occasional highlight of my cats#i can't work on my art#it's agonizing to even try and i wind up crying#and it's because this horseshit rigged system has ripped the safety out of it#i might as well give my work away for free since they want to take 100% of my earnings out of my check#which like i am not even remotely opposed to giving my work away (would prefer even) but we need the money and i'm not allowed to keep it#i don't know#my life is just so small right now and i don't know how to find meaning again in a world that keeps so much of what i love away from me#it's a slog and every day is the same#and nothing i do feels meaningful#except holding my cats and being with my boyfriend#and that's about all i can do.
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(source)
#sleep token#here is a thing#there are certain moments when Vessel looks.. no he rather feels.. small#i mean his.. aura? presence? but not in the non-captivating way but as in an emotionally vulnerable way#i don't really have the words to describe this but just like on this picture#bear with me for a minute because this is either gonna sound completely unhinged or make some sort of sense#it's probably just me having a little more time on my hand than i should and just want to see things but..#sometimes he feels so present in a here-i-am as-i-am take-me-as-you-will this-is-all-i-am i-can't-give-more-nor-less it's-just-me sorta way#he feels so human in the rawest sense possible and yet so deep in character maybe even more so than when he creatures or teefs and all#like.. he is just vessel in it's simplicity and without the 'divine' if you will.. simply just vessel#in his barest of existance#a shadow of someone who used to be but not quite anymore#he is in pieces and it is willingly laid bare under the mask and all that bodypaint oh so clear to see for anyone#and that is not the outstreched hand of you-are-not-alone but the outstreched soul that cries you-can-find-yourself-in-me#and that is what i find so heartbreaking about him#this kind if raw openness because the lore says vessel is a conduit for sleep#for us vessel (and the the others) is the conduit of our emotions#and he is there somewhere inbetween the truths#just him a simple human being who sometimes seems to wish not to be human which makes him more human than anything#and that is what i can't describe better than 'sometimes he feels small' and at time even maybe makes me cry a little
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pls i need to provide updates
#basically yesterday night was chaharshanbe suri . which is a solar new yr tradition where we let go of the past suffering in our year#and like...start the new yr w fresh vigour . anyway so my friend was at the event and we were abt to leap over the fire#and she was like bro im im glad u blocked her (situationship) etc etc . and then. my phone started vibrating. and i look at it. and my f#friend looks at it. and its her. and were both like what the fuck?? i blocked her things r Over and anyway so i pick up the phone and shesl#acting like nothing happened (bc nothing DID happen for her) and she was like ohh ur doing chaharshanbe suri im not doing anything etc what#are ur new yr plans so i jusr .IDK WHY I DID THIS . but ig i didnt wanna come off as like lonely i said probably hanging out w family and#friends maybe reading poetry together . et cetera and she was like wait that sounds so fun why didnt u invite me!#LIKE WDYM YOUVE BEEN CONSISTENTLY MAKING IT CLEAR U DONT WANT TO BE IN MY PRESENCE . and i told her that after#everything i thought she didnt want to see me again and she was like you always think that 😐 . like. ?? ok anyway so she expects me to#invite her . and like. there is an above 0% but sub-5% chance she will actually show up . but the panic that gripped me#i started making calls to my friends asking them if they can come on the 23rd bc there must be an event and also i asked my mother#and she said actually yeah i am doing a thing on the 23rd :D it involves over 16 ppl (we live in a v small flat) of which like...7 are kids#so you wont have space to be in ur own room let alone invite others. which tbh like ...being around a bunch of loud kids doesnt seem fun fo#any of my friends or me etc so i thought maybe i should arrange things so that we all go out together and if she shows up she shows up 🤷♀️#but . im so. WHY DID I SAY THAT . i had to panic-call my research partner and ask him to get from oxf to where i live on the 23rd#and when he heard the explanation he like. the light in his voice disappeared 💀 but he potentially agreed so idk#THE ISSUE IS. 23rd im supposed to also have . a date#w this girl that i had a huge crush on when i was 15-16 (posted abt this b4 but id get shitty black coffee in the mornings just to spend a#few more minuted w her each day and she was the cleverest girl in school and she cared abt nothing but her academics but now shes very gay#scraggly homosexual etc etc shes cute) and YEAH IDK#like id have to go there on the date come back fast meet ppl POTENTIALLY (again under 5%) meet situationship girl#like is that even doable#but the thing is it would be so so so funny bc all of my friends dislike her sooo much#.........what if i invited the girl im supposed to have a date w over to hang out w us#god that would be so hilarious and chaotic . i wont do it tho im a mature person x#but it would be soooo funny#I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT DUE TMRW 12:30PM IT IS 10:49PM RN I HAVENT STARTED IT bc i was rotting sadly in bed#popped a ritalin pill tho so here we go x#i have found myself in a state of such sheer agony and rage and sorrow and grief over this girl that atp i feel like#its just so entertaining . like i feel vaguely over it? ik nothing will come of it so its like just . have fun . vibe
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my boss showed up today to help out even though we were fully staffed so she had legit nothing to do, just hovered and restocked stuff that didn’t need to be restocked and sometimes helped with orders even though we really didn’t need her to. i tell my mom after my shift and she goes . does she not have a life
#it should be noted that my place of work is a very small shack#so when my boss is here her presence is felt. i can’t even chat w/ my coworkers really bc she’ll always involve herself in the convo#i was waiting for her to run out of stuff to do and finally leave but when she did she just started strolling around#always lurking within eyesight#girl you can go home!!! it’s okay !!!!!
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man i love the people im surrounded with. how did this happen. youre all so lovely😭
#istg tumblr is the BEST place to find people#all my current online friends who im close asf with are people i found on here#my girl my besties hell even some of my mutuals i dont talk to bruh#almost all of em were found on here#who knew life would turn like this bro. who knew#its grateful hours rn stfu idc#like yall. i cannot put into words how much you mean to me#im finally getting out of a mental rut thats lasted me a few months (school related) (school just ended)#and the fact YALL STAYED BY ME???#its small nd yall r gonna be like dub miguel. friends do that#but i aint never had that#like the past three years around this same time i have lost people important to me and lost core support systems over and over and over#and it feels nice that im better enough/healed enough#and surrounded by people who truly care for me#that thats not the case anymore. its so liberating and god does it make me want to cry tears of gratefulness that this is my life now#i am loved in so many ways that i cannot even recount right now.#sorry maternity classes gang (group chat) im gonna lovedump later on you tonight probably#man. mann.#this is my life#like#/pos#thats so lovely man.#wanna namedrop yall so bad bc people deserve to know you all and deserve to know how beautiful and loving you are#but ik i shouldnt for privacy😭#ily all tho#even if we aint talk much ur presence is always appreciated by me#sorry sorry ill shut up now😭#indigo speaks#yapping
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I'm just always a bitch to everyone apparently and I'm told to go upstairs... certain people wonder why I stay in my room all the time
#el speaks#delete later#this is about my mother lol#I just can't be exhausted#she needs to learn that I just sound like a bitch all the time seriously I just talk like this (especially tired)#god I'm sorry I'm not always happy and feel comfortable talking to you or your boyfriend#he can't even talk to me face to face he always runs and hides behind you#“I asked her something and she was grumpy :(” like omg dude seriously? did I hurt your fucking feelings? oh gee I'm so fucking sorry#“things never go my way” -my mother#oh yeah? how do you think I feel? oh you don't#I try to care about you all the time but you never give me the same treatment#god you have no idea how much I wanna speak my mind fully#I try to fucking spend time with you even in small ways like going grocery shopping but that was still impossible#I can never get a word in about anything you're a broken record#“my job sucks and my boyfriend won't be here for my birthday :(”#sorry but shit happens sorry my presence isn't enough#I really do try... but man#also I think I got triggered or something? dogs get to me man#maybe I am just a bitch and if so? all well#wonder why
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Angey Dreadwing AKA, “POV you used his brother’s corpse to make your new skin suit”
Ah a traditional pencil to paper Dreadwing, and he’s FUCKING PISSED :D!
#dreadwing#tfp dreadwing#transformers#tfp#altered loyalties#maccadam#fanart#yes babes this is going in the altered loyalties tag because i put skyke through some shit y’all#in deciding to keep breaky alive i wondered who might fill an (actually- unlike canon) emotionally charged replacement#and well- i have a corpse right on hand#because altered loyalties screamer doesn’t attempt to revive skyquake even if he does use de for a healing boost#*looks at megan and his ‘i survived a spacebridge explosion and all i got was a cocaine addiction’ ass*#shadowzone is instead the return to skyquake’s deathbed (his earth comm tower) only for de hopped up screamer to find NOTHING#something something the terrocons are an ongoing threat in altered loyalties- yada yada the ‘crime’ scene has been disturbed#the first assumption is that maybe the presence of uncloaked energon brought the dead here and got their own energon all over skyquake#but why is his hand still there? why is his hand the ONLY THING LEFT!?#why is the dirt full of small little footprints#starscream doesn’t have much time to question the details for there WAS a terrocon presence nearby and the autobots are reading loud and-#clear starscream’s dark energon signature- assumably the terrocons did too as they seem to have caught the scent#shadowzone would then play out like it does in canon but be vehicon terrocons (skyquake’s previous guardian team)#but honestly i just wanted to draw a really REALLY FUCKING PISSED dreadwing because i wanted to see that#do you think that if a bot with optics like the twins (and breakdown) can get so angry that you can see their pupil just from how bright the#optics get? just enveloped in a sea of red that all leads directly to the white hot centre?#because i like to think that :)
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a boye whom'st loves to attack paper balls
#cats#nhgnhmmm.. yommy... paper favorite food#(I do not actually let him eat paper)#ALSO I'm still working on doing the poll adventure thing I've just had a lot going on. as usual. It's actually harder than#I initially thought to regularly find time to do a quick ms paint sketch and a small writing blurb#it's like even though it doesn't take extremely long it's still one of those things that is hard to carve out a little portion of the day#to do if your day is set up in a way not conducive to portion carving#BUT .. at least I have posted many drafts#as usual.. my style of like.. post nothing for 3 weeks then randomly post 25 things at once#NO idea why my brain works that way. it just does. it's easier#even though I know it's worse in terms of like. social media#the algorithms in most places prefer consistent steady uploads over time. not jarringly wavering between absence and hyper presence#then absence again. but .. alas...#Good to clear out a few drafts once in a while anyway. And I do really want to get back to scullptures and costumes. I stopped as much for#a while due to the pandemic (can't go to the bins anymore to get new supplies for costumes and stuff) as well as my worsened#health things/lack of energy and also my chest injury (so repetitive movements with my arms such as sitting in the same#position sculpting for 4 hours or changing clothes multiple times in quick succession etc. could flare it up) but obviously#none of those things are going to get better any time soon. so I should probably just try to do it here and there anyway. It's still not#safe to go to the bins. still having muscle problems. still low energy. But I could make it work maybe. I just feel bad having gotten out#of the habit when it is really fun stuff that I enjoy. Some things just get more difficult for me over time#But even like 3 sculptures and 10 costumes a year is better than 0 of any of those things. So. eh#I'm also just trying to clear out pictures still. My spring cleaning (which I do at the start of every new year instead of actual spring)#was kind of delayed this year due to me feeling sick and everything so even late into april I'm still working on the side at like orgnazing#all of the files on my computer. deleting things and backing up whatever I want to keep. clearing out photos.#editing and drafting (and maybe one day posting) old stuff form a while ago. etc. etc.#So any progress is good progress. I suppose.#ANYWAY.... a son... he gets very excited everytime he hears anyone anywhere crinkle up a piece of paper
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#EXCYSE ME#IMSK NORMAL ABOUT THUS#IF THIS AINT REAL LOVE I DONT KNOW#I WOULD DO THAY#I WANT TO SACRIFICE MYSELF FOR YOU AND THIS IS A SMALL THING TO SHOW IT#if i dont destroy myself for love im not actually in love#love is when looking at urself alone becomes painful bc youre not beside me#love is getting flashbacks of your hand in mine so vivid and painful#love is hating myself for being a human bc humans arent perfect and i wish i was perfect for u#love is loving myself every next day because you said you said you loved the soup i made you#love is judging myself and questioning my excistence when you tell me One thing but being my happiest self whan you say Another thing#my love is messy and strong large and hard but its real and its here even if yoh dont feel her presence#i hope u feel her presence when i look into your eyes and see everything when in some people i see nothinf#you make me feel everything i could ever feel and this makes it a rollercoaster#i hope u love a mess bc its sure i am one#poetry
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#; ♡ ; okay to reblog#muu has admittedly been describing is self perceived melancholy and isolation regarding it#as being comparable to the circle drawn around Sadness in Inside Out due to others finding his emotions to be Too Much in capacity#and that as such he has thus been persistently trying to make himself very very small in spaces#so that maybe perhaps someone would soon be able to reside in the circle with him just until he gets to where he feels he is supposed to be#muu has also stated on numerous actions that while he is adamant about self healing he is not necessarily of preference#to not have the assistance of peers and their feedback and he tends he show it most predominantly in asking them to hear Everything#about himself in the form of the big box because one he wants assurances at the end of it all but also because he Has to be explaining#his processes of thought and general state of where he is now to people so that they may go Oh so that why you do the neurotic shit you do#but it really be hard out here when you don't know how to self advocate for a persistently emotionally present romantic partner#you don't really have any friends and you are either God awful at making new ones or you don't want to try for reasons of either#feeling scorned past close friends of yours have left time and time again OR#because you don't know what version of yourself is the Real one or the Good one or the Authentic one so you avoid socializing#until you can properly answer that dilemma but in turn you've left yourself with 1 person to seek out and talk to#but with that comes the existential dread of either a this person is also going to leave me or#b I am in fact so totally codependent on them that it isn't fair to be my sole research for assistance that I ought to fend for myself#but what do you even do to fend for yourself when you don't even know how to Advocate for yourself??#you devise a plan to shrink down and provide no indication to those around you that you are struggling with anything#that perhaps shriveling yourself down like that will allow for people to find you tolerable enough to be around#and that their presences will patch up every interpersonal wound in your system until eventually what you are faking has come true#; ♡ ; inner thoughts
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#why is it that only extremely outdated things with small fandoms are the only things that activate my desire to participate hahaha#like now that I'm on a creatures 3 game kick and looking for content online#it's both fun to have to hunt for all these old blogs and defunct websites etc but also like#omg there's like NOTHING out there for so much of it like lets plays are almost nonexistent#And the official info is hard to find as well#And it's making me seriously consider becoming a let's player of creatures#Because I have so much fun with it even though I know it's extremely frustrating as well and nobody would probably even care or watch it ha#But I do think it's a genuinely interesting game and it's not that easy to get into it either. So it would be actually helpful to people#If I put content out there#anyways I appreciate the people who HAVE made helpful blogs and videos and whatnot about the game so much#That I'd be glad to feel I was doing the same for somebody else#And I know this has absolutely nothing to do with death note but since this is my only active fandom presence I'm posting about it here#I'm like opposite of those people who need to be in relevant busy fandoms to have fun I come to life when the room is mostly empty#And im free to peacefully look around and figure out what I think is missing or could use some sprucing up#p
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#mannn i literally assumed he ghosted-- why on earth would he text me after so long????#i was fully like 'ok the last msg i sent literally makes me cringe a bit to read but its been months so ig im never opening the convo again#it was simpler before when there felt like there was nothing else to do and easier to move on. i even had a little crush on someone else !#now i have a whole wheel of decisions to choose from#and idek what i truly want from this guy anymore bc even just platonically he kinda fucked it up like. idk#or rather i want a lot of different things and idk what to choose#i want my friend back. i want to never see him again. i want him to know every truth of what ive felt and i want him to know none of it#i want him to miss me or maybe wonder about me sometimes down the line. i want him to not spare me another thought for the rest of his life#i want to reply only 'go fuck yourself' and i want to write him a letter and i want to ghost him better than he ghosted me#i want to tell him i love him and i want to tell him i hate him and i want to say nothing at all#i want the closure i was denied. i want to protect the closure i now have#<-going insane#anyway its soooo stupid like i already grieved for this shit bro. i accepted the end of this years long close friendship#anyway idk why im doing so much processing of this in a vent post nor do i know why i always feel compelled to post these when i do#good thing i keep a small presence on here lol. but yea uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh send post#ok wait i saved this as a draft and went to go look for what i had been tagging vent posts with#[couldnt find one i had been using consistently even tho the whole point is so ppl can blacklist it if they want whoops!!]#and i saw another vent from another time he just kinda disappeared on me#and while this time was a lot worse for a lot of reasons i think its important to say this--#that the last thing that i want is to go back to square one of this stupid awful cycle#vent
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It's a long, slow process but I swear tumblr is trying to drive me fully back to FB. Twitter is dead, reddit was always trash for social stuff (I previously maintained a minimal presence there because of certain technical communities and personal reviews), g+ is long gone, multiply is too.
Now Automattic, having first lured us into a false sense of security by actually improving some things, is ramping up the enshittification process.
Meanwhile, FB still sells all your data, but it's been a good while since they changed up the UI, and the UI was so bad in most of its recent iterations that it doesn't matter much. Bad to different bad is pretty whatever, unlike good to bad. And FB while annoying with it's algo content, is less annoying than twitter ever was on that front. You can train FB pretty well to show you pretty bland stuff, instead of something you certain to get steamed about like on twitter.
Really with everything in my life and in the world unraveling and collapsing, I just want some stability. And FB has a baseline of stable shittiness. I don't really see it getting massively worse or even just massively different anytime soon, so it starts looking better and better.
#Yeah it can't replace tumblr in any direct way#But not sure anything really could#And the specific people here are just great#And I can't imagine a collective exodus of the majority to any one other place#Unfortunately#So if we lose tumblr we lose a lot#But I think it's just a matter of time now#But once it becomes intolerable here#I don't think I will migrate elsewhere#Probably just retreat fully back to FB#I have a small presence on the fediverse#But it has most of the problems twitter had#And some new problems that twitter didn't have#And missing some of the benefits twitter had#So like#Not for me at the end of the day#I haven't found a way to get tumblr like or even FB like experience there#It's all twitter like#It's a place to see the problems#Its a place to get mad#sometimes its maybe even a place to fix problems#But I can't do any of that anymore#The little amount of the worlds problems I see on tumblr is about as much as I can take#I just want a quite spot to socialize#read jokes and puns and memes#Share animal pictures#Talk about fandom stuff of little consequence#Etc#Twitter and now fediverse don't seem to support that#FB does work for that
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