#especially over something as ridiculous as a piece of fiction

[amberlink]

Scrapped chapter from How To Jeopardise Your Friendship With Remus Lupin!

This chapter was the original chapter 15 (now called Marlene Makes a Very Nice Sign). The deleted section starts after Remus, James, and Sirius come inside the castle after playing in the snow.

Original chapter name: A Minor Marijuana Mishap

Original chapter notes: This chapter has the vibe of a sitcom episode (their behaviour is extra fictional lmao, and there is more humour than there is actual contribution to the plot) (<- this is why I scrapped it. It's ridiculous.)

If I had actually gone through with posting this, it would’ve undergone far more editing and revising, so this is a pretty raw version.

CW for unintentional drug use (they accidentally ingest marijuana - no one is purposely drugged)

Word count: 5,161

They made their way back into the castle, stopping for a quick breakfast before heading back up to the dorm to change and shower.

The girls were awake, and all three of them looked up from where they were gathered around the fireplace as Remus, James, and Sirius stepped through the portrait hole. Peter was sitting with them, too.

Marlene raised her hand, holding something round, crumbs falling. “You guys want some?”

“What is it?” James asked, already heading over.

“They’re biscuits,” Marlene said, breaking off a piece of it and popping it in her mouth. “My brother’s friend gave him a bunch of containers of ‘em, and he gave me one to bring to school.”

“They’re magnificent,” Mary confirmed, nodding as she took a bite of her own. They were all picking them out of a square tin dish.

“They really are,” Peter said. "And they're chocolate, Moony."

“I’ll have some,” James said, accepting one from Marlene.

“You’re eating these for breakfast?” Remus asked, raising an eyebrow at them. “Lily, you’re eating these for breakfast?”

Lily threw her free hand out in defence. “What, like there are rules!”

“Evans is right, there are no rules,” Sirius said, taking the open seat next to Peter on the double-person chair.

“Okay,” Remus said, because he didn’t care enough to argue. Everyone would just have to deal with James and Sirius hyped up on sugar during Potions. “I’m gonna go have a shower, then.”

“You’re missing out,” Mary sang after him.

“Maybe next time,” he said over his shoulder.

He showered, meaning to be quick but definitely standing under the hot water for longer than usual, not thinking about anything. Not thinking about Sirius in the snow underneath him, or his thumbs pressing through Remus’s coat. 

Remus turned the water cold.

He got out, scrunching his hair with the towel. It was longer than he had ever had it before, so he had to actually put in an effort to care for it, not wanting it to look too matted or frizzy. He stole James and Sirius’s hair products and massaged them into his scalp, not sure what any of them did.

His friends still weren’t here, but sometimes they didn’t shower between exercising and class— no matter how much Remus encouraged that they did. But he supposed they had only played in the snow, so they really just had to dry off and change.

Remus got dressed in his robes, and he was searching for his tie at the bottom of his wardrobe when there was a knock at the door. He found his tie, straightening and starting to put it on.

“You can come in,” he said, confused because his friends never knocked. “You two better hurry, you’re gonna be late for class. Especially Sirius.”

Whoever it was knocked again, slower this time.

“Hello?” Remus said, staring at the door. He finished tying his tie as he walked over to open it. “What are you—”

“Moony got the door open,” Sirius said, smiling up at him. “He’s so smart.”

Remus raised his eyebrows. “What is wrong with you?”

James suddenly gripped Remus’s shoulder, pulling him close and poorly whispering, “Moony. Moons. Can I call you Remus?”

“...Sure.”

“Moony, there might possibly be a…” He lowered his voice even further, tugging Remus so that their foreheads were almost touching. “Situation.”

“What the hell are you talking—”

Then he smelled it.

“Oh my god,” said Remus, his eyes wide. “Are you guys high?!”

“No!” James said, sounding terribly offended.

Sirius burst into a fit of giggles, nearly falling over.

“Oh my god,” he repeated. He grabbed each of their arms and dragged them into the room, kicking the door shut after them. “What the hell were you thinking, getting high before class? Are you bunking off, then? It’s the first bloody day.” 

He sat them both on Sirius’s bed. Sirius fell to lay on his back and James looked like he might cry.

“Where’d you put the joint?” he asked, annoyed. “How much did you smoke?”

“No, Moony, we didn’t,” James said, pleading with him. “We swear.”

Sirius sat back up. “I remember what I was going to say,” he announced.

“What, Sirius?”

Sirius stared at Remus’s tie in thought, his eyes unfocussed. “I forgot again.”

There was another knock on the door. Remus pointed a finger at the boys to tell them to stay, then turned to go answer it.

It was Lily this time, holding the tin biscuit container that only had crumbs in it now. Her lips were pressed together so tightly that they were turning white.

“Lily?”

“We ate them all,” she whispered, horrified.

“I see that,” Remus said. “What’s wrong? Do you not feel well, because maybe that’s why people don’t eat chocolate biscuits for breakfast.”

“There are so. Many. Stairs,” Marlene panted as she came into view, and she wiped her eyebrow even though she wasn’t sweating at all.

Remus stared at her. “Okay, what the fuck is going on?”

Marlene leaned in the doorway, reaching a hand over Lily’s head to grip the frame. “Hey, Lupin,” she said, smiling at him. “You’re gorgeous, you know that?”

“Hey!” Sirius shouted from inside.

“You’re gorgeous, too, Sirius,” James assured him.

“Did you all get high?” Remus asked, swivelling his head between them in disbelief.

Marlene tapped her finger on the empty bottom of the tin box in Lily’s hand. “I think— I think,” she said, tapping it again, “that my most dearest, most idiot brother gave me the wrong box of biscuits.”

“Situation,” James echoed.

Remus’s mouth hung open, then he snatched the container from Lily’s hand, lifting it up to smell the inside of it. It took him a second, then he got a hint of the earthy scent of marijuana.

“Do you have a super nose?” Marlene asked.

Remus looked at her, and he reached a hand up to pull at his damp hair as his stress multiplied. This problem just became so much bigger. 

He tossed the box on the floor of their dorm. “Okay,” he said. “Both of you get in here.”

Lily was shaking her head, her hands covering her face. “Remus, we have class. We have Potions class.”

“I know, I need a second to think.”

“I hate when people think, I get so bored,” complained James.

“This is the worst,” groaned Sirius. “All you ever do is think, think, think. And how often do you think about me? I bet it’s never!” 

“Black, shut up,” snapped Marlene. “No more talking!”

“Hey, don’t talk to my friend Sirius like that!” said James.

Remus was ignoring them. He coaxed Lily into the room, and he led her to Peter’s bed. “Sit,” he commanded, pushing her shoulders down.

“McKinnon, get your shoes off of Moony’s bed!” Sirius began shouting. “He doesn’t like shoes on his bed!”

“Sirius, shh,” Remus said. “It’s fine for right now.”

“Her shoes are your bed,” he tattled, pointing at where Marlene was laying on her side on his bed.

“Marlene,” Remus said, grabbing her shoulder to make her roll on her back. He hovered over her, trying to keep her attention. “Do you know how much weed was in the biscuits? Did they have anything else in them?”

She blinked at him slowly. “Your guess is as good as mine, Lupey.”

“How many did you eat?” He straightened to address the rest of them. “How many did all of you eat— Where are Peter and Mary?”

“I don’t know,” James said proudly. 

“You don’t know what? How many biscuits you ate or where Peter and Mary are?”

James’s face screwed up in concentration, squinting at Remus behind his glasses. “Er, yes?”

“I had two,” Lily piped up. “Or three, or four. One of those.”

“Mary’s from Liverpool,” added Marlene.

“Alright, no one move,” Remus said, gesturing to everyone. “I’m gonna go get Peter and Mary. Then we’ll figure out what the hell to do.”

“‘What the hell to do,’” mocked Marlene, making her voice hoarse and scratchy.

Remus sighed frustratedly, and he hurried from the dorm, hoping to find Mary and Peter civilly sitting on the sofa. He came into the Common Room to find that they were definitely not doing that.

Mary was on her hands and knees at the top of the stairs to the girls’ dorm, giggling loudly as Peter tried to climb up to get to her. He took a running start towards the staircase, sprinting up the first few steps, then the whole thing turned into a chute and Peter fell forward, sliding down on his stomach until he reached the bottom again. He was also laughing hysterically.

Remus weaved through the people that were leaving the Common Room to go to their first class, and he wrapped his hand around Peter’s arm before he could have another attempt at the stairs.

“Pete, hey.”

Peter looked at him for a long second. “Ouch, Moony,” he said.

Remus let go. “Oh, fuck, sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Peter took off running again now that he was free. He leaped up a few stairs, scaling them quickly and almost making it to the top that time.

“I was so close!” he said triumphantly, sitting on the floor a few seconds later.

Mary pumped a fist in the air. “So close!”

“Alright, guys, enough,” Remus said, walking forward again.

“I am not a guy,” Mary said seriously. 

“One more try,” Peter said.

“No, do you want another biscuit?”

“Oh my god, those biscuits were so good,” Mary said, coming down the steps to join them.

Remus waved them on. “Well, I found more in the boys’ dorm, so let’s go.”

When he finally managed to get Mary and Peter to the dorm—practically dragging Peter up the stairs because he was convinced they were going to turn into a slide—he found that Lily was missing.

“Oh for Christ’s sake, where did Lily go?” he asked the rest of them. He directed Peter towards his own bed, and Mary towards James’s, and instructed them to close their eyes and rest if they wanted another cookie.

“I’m not tired,” Mary said, looking at him like he was an idiot.

“Then just pretend,” Remus said.

He checked the bathroom, coming up Lily-less, and asked where she was once again.

“I don’t know,” Sirius said. “But we listened, Moony. We didn’t move one time. Look at Prongs, even.”

Remus looked at James, who was sitting with his mouth half open and his hand held mid-itch at his jaw, frozen in place. 

“Prongs, you can move. Just stay sitting.”

James let out a dramatic exhale, dropping his arm. “Thanks, Moony.”

“Marlene, did you see where Lily went?”

“I had my eyes closed,” she said, laying on her back on Remus’s bed with her eyes still closed. She had her arms crossed over her chest like she was in a coffin.

“Okay, well, did she say where she went?” Remus asked, exasperated.

“Yeah. She went to class.”

Remus tipped his head back with a silent groan. “Okay,” he said. “We’re already going to be late, but we can’t all skip class, or Slughorn will notice something’s up.”

“Oh, no,” whispered Peter. “We’ll get in so much trouble.”

“Not you, Pete,” Remus said. “You and Mary don’t take Potions, so you can sleep until lunch.” He closed the curtains around Peter’s bed, shutting him inside. “Goodnight.”

“Gracias a Merlin,” Peter said sleepily.

“Lily’s already on her way,” Remus continued, thinking aloud. “So she’ll be there…probably. And I’ll have to go, and… Marlene, you come too. James and Sirius can stay.”

All three of them groaned loudly about this plan.

“We can go, Moony. We’ll be good,” Sirius promised. 

“Snivellus is going to ruin our potion,” James said grumpily.

“No, you won’t,” Remus told Sirius, “and no, he won’t,” he told James.

“That was so confusing,” Marlene whined, sitting up and scrubbing her face.

“I’m not even talking to you,” Remus said. “But, c’mon, get up. Meadowes will hopefully take control of your table.”

Marlene scoffed, her expression darkening. “Ugh, Meadowes.”

“Probably shouldn’t have brought that up,” Remus muttered under his breath, looping his arm through Marlene’s.

“Stupid Meadowes, and her stupid smooth skin, and her stupid eyelashes, and her stupid mouth,” Marlene continued grumbling.

“I get it, you think she’s stupid,” he said.

He stopped on his way to the door, turning to James and Sirius. “Listen, you two just hang out here. Take a nap, okay? I’ll be back after class, and… Why don’t you give me your wands?” he added, having a sudden vision of returning to their dorm in flames.

He collected James and Sirius’s wands, putting them in his robe pocket with his own, took his school bag from beside his bed, and then grabbed Marlene’s wrist to pull her the whole way to the dungeons. He was rushing, not wanting to be more than a minute or two late. The less attention on Marlene, the better. He wondered how Lily was managing, if she had even made it to the classroom.

Thankfully, Slughorn hadn’t started lecturing yet when Remus and Marlene walked in, and he was still bustling around the storage room behind his desk. Remus was out of breath, and he steered Marlene towards her table in the back.

“Go and take your seat,” he whispered. “Don’t bring any attention to yourself. Let Meadowes handle anything involving a knife.”

“Get off me,” Marlene said, shaking her arm free of his hand. “I’m fine.”

Remus watched nervously as she took careful steps to her table, walking around Dorcas and pulling out her stool so that it scraped loudly on the floor. She gave him a smug look as she sat down, silently saying, ‘See?’

Remus rolled his eyes, and he accidentally caught Meadowes looking at him. Her dark eyes were intimidating, studying him, and she didn’t care to break eye contact. Remus cleared his throat awkwardly, raised a hand in a sort of half-wave, then spun around to go to his own table.

Lily was here, sitting alone at her and Sirius’s table in front of Marlene and Dorcas. She had her elbows on the surface and her hands bunching up her hair on either side of her head.

Remus placed a hand on her back. “Hey, you alright?”

She dropped her hands and looked up at him with wide eyes, her hair frizzy where she had been holding it. “I need help. Please help me.”

“What’s wrong?” he asked, his heart skipping a beat. He didn’t know what else had been in those biscuits.

“My hair’s not working,” she said, grabbing a handful and shaking it frustratedly. 

“Oh,” he breathed out.

“I can’t pull it back, my hair bobble doesn’t work,” she went on, her voice wavering. “It’s in the rules. My hair has to be pulled back for Potions class. It’s in the rules.”

“Okay, it’s okay.”

“It’s in the rules!” she insisted.

“Shh. Okay.” Remus looked around her stuff scattered on the table. “Where’s your hair bobble at? I’ll help you.”

Lily raised one of her arms, shaking it so her robe sleeve fell and revealed the black band around her wrist.

Remus took the band and slid it over her hand, then tried his best to gather Lily’s long hair at the back of her head. He had no idea how to do this.

“What is going on?” asked Snape, moving from his table across the aisle to the end of Lily’s. He looked at Remus, eyes full of loathing, then looked back to Lily with concern. “Lily, are you okay?”

“Yes!” Lily said. “I’m okay. Remus is just helping me. He’s really nice.”

Snape did not look convinced.

“He’s much nicer than you,” she continued matter-of-factly. “He’s never called me a mudblood.”

The blood drained from Snape’s face. “Lily…”

Remus fought a smile, tying Lily’s hair in a knot at the base of her neck. They were probably going to have to cut the band to get her out of it.

“Lily,” whispered Snape, looking around. “I’ve apologised for that. You know I didn’t mean it.”

“Apology rejected,” Lily said. She held a finger up at him, waving it back and forth. “Black told me what you say about mudbloods like me.”

“How the hell would Black know anything?” hissed Snape. “And you’re different, I’ve told you—”

“Snape,” warned Remus, staring him down. “Back off.”

Snape clenched his jaw angrily, ready to retort, but Remus walked towards him and the boy took a few quick steps back, bumping into the end of his own table. Remus just calmly went around Lily’s table, heading to his and Margot’s in the front.

“You’re late,” Margot stated, looking at him.

“There was an emergency,” he said. He started to unpack his books and parchment from the bag around his shoulder.

“Lily Evans is acting weird,” Margot said, turning to look at the girl in question. “Why were you pulling up her hair?”

“She’s, er, not feeling herself. She was having trouble.”

Margot looked up at him, raising her eyebrows a bit. “You did a terrible job.”

Remus laughed. “Yeah, I know.”

“Alright, class,” said Slughorn, finally emerging from the storage room with two giant jars, one in each arm. “Sorry for the delay.” He set them on his desk, then brushed his hands on his chest. “Let’s get started.”

Slughorn announced the plan for today’s class, explaining that they were going to be learning the proper technique for dissecting the eyes of carnivorous cows. They’d need one removed lens for the specific potion they were going to start on Friday, but both students at each table should dissect their own cow eye for practice. There were detailed instructions to follow in their textbook.

“Yes, Miss McKinnon?” Slughorn said.

“What?”

Remus winced, turning around to see Marlene blinking at Slughorn in confusion. Her hand was in the air.

“Did you have a question?” clarified Slughorn.

“Oh… Yes!” she said, nodding as she lowered her hand. “I seem to have forgotten my textbook.” She patted the surface in front of her, which was empty of any books, parchment, or quills. She frowned. “I seem to have forgotten everything, actually.”

“Well, that’ll be five points from Gryffindor for unpreparedness,” Slughorn said, unphased. “You’ll have to share with Miss Meadowes.”

“Bleh,” said Marlene, summarising her feelings about that.

Slughorn started to travel around the classroom, going to each student to pass out a metal pan and scoop an eye from one of the jars. He started at the table across the aisle from Remus and Margot’s, heading towards the back of that row.

“Psst, Remus. Remus!”

Remus turned around to look at Lily, who was leaning across her table. Pieces of her hair stuck out in arcs on her head, and her eyes were frantic as she very poorly whispered to him.

“Remus!”

“What?” he whispered back.

“Remus, I’ve never been high in Potions class before,” she said, picking desperately at her fingernails.

He shook his head at her, leaning closer. “Have you ever been high before?”

“No! Remus, I’ve never been high before! I’m so nervous!”

“Lily, you are talking so loud right now.”

“Sorry,” she squeaked, pressing a hand over her mouth.

Then the door slammed open.

James and Sirius were standing in the doorway of the classroom, beaming with pride. Remus smacked a palm to his forehead, then dragged his hand down his face, looking at his friends between his fingers.

“Boys,” Slughorn said. “You’re late.”

“Or are we early for next class?” Sirius said, pleased with himself.

“You’re late,” Slughorn repeated. “And neither of you are in your robes. Ten points from Gryffindor.”

“Ah, bollocks,” James said, looking down at his muggle hoodie and joggers like he just realised he was wearing them.

Slughorn gestured. “Please take your seats. Any more disruptions and that’ll be points off your dissection. Seek help from your table partners for today’s assignment.”

“Oh là là, Evans,” Sirius said, grimacing as he approached his table. “What happened to your hair?”

“Why? What’s wrong with it?” she said worriedly. “It wasn’t working before.”

“I think it looks good,” James told her, rapping his knuckles on their table as he passed. “Evans, you’re like a fire princess.”

“He’s lying,” whispered Sirius. “It looks bad.”

“You’re like a phoenix,” James continued. “But one that’s a human. You're like an angel with no wings.”

Lily frowned. "So like a person?"

“Prongs,” Sirius hissed. “You have a girlfriend.”

“Yeah, Ronnie!” James said excitedly, nodding. “Her eyes are like if emeralds were bright blue.”

“What are you two doing here?” Remus asked through gritted teeth. “Are you trying to kill me?”

James looked at him, eyebrows arched, his voice genuine. “No, Moony. We would never want to kill you.” He grabbed Remus’s arm and looked him in the eye. “We love you, you have to believe us.”

“Yeah, Moony,” agreed Sirius. “If we wanted to kill you, it’d be so easy. We sleep in the same room.”

James made a clawing gesture at his neck. “And Padfoot’s teeth could just rip your throat—”

“Stop!” Remus said, frantically waving his hand. He pointed James towards his table. “Go sit down! Please don’t say anything else. To anyone. Ever.”

Sirius started giggling, and Lily started giggling because Sirius started giggling, and Remus was sure that none of them were going to make it through this class.

“Great, you’re here,” Snape drawled, bowed over his cow eye as James shuffled to his place beside him. “Thought maybe your big head finally got stuck in one of the doorways.”

“You…” James said, and he took a second to look Snape over, “might be the meanest person in the whole world.”

“Potter,” scolded Remus. James had been doing really well ignoring all of Snape’s jabs until this moment.

“What?” James threw his hands out. “He is! He was mean to you, Moony, and you’re, like, as threatening as a… a…”

“Earthworm,” finished Sirius.

Snape scoffed. “I would say that there’s a much more obvious animal that Lupin compares to in threat.”

James whirled around to face him. “Don’t you remember when I punched you?”

“An earthworm,” Lily corrected.

Remus pressed his hands together, like in prayer. “James, James, just— Let’s calm down. Look at your cow eye, stay on task.”

“It’s disgusting,” James said, poking at the gooey pile with one of the tools. “Kinda looks like you, Snivellus.”

“Oh my god, what is that thing?” Marlene’s voice rang out, repulsed.

“It’s…your cow eye, Miss McKinnon,” Slughorn said, scooping a second eye onto the metal pan in front of Dorcas.

They still had two hours left of class. This was not good.

Lily and Sirius managed to keep it together while Slughorn gave them their pans and eyes, with only one incident of Sirius saying, “Thank you, my good sir!” 

Remus was so distracted worrying about the others that he was working at half the pace of Margot beside him. He kept turning around to check that they were still poking and slicing at their cow eyes without cutting their fingers off or threatening their table partners. He froze when he saw Marlene tap Dorcas’s arm with the end of her scalpel, but she was only trying to get her attention.

Which was not a better situation.

“Meadowes,” she said, jabbing her with the tool. “Meadowes, look at me.”

Dorcas huffed and spun towards her, looking so furious that Remus would have disintegrated if he were Marlene.

“Slytherin versus Ravenclaw,” Marlene said slowly, signing clumsily as she audibly drew out the words, her hands bobbing up and down a lot more than when Pandora or Regulus did it. “Two weeks. You are going to lose.”

“Tell her, McKinnon!” James said supportively. 

Remus watched tensely, waiting for Dorcas’s reaction, but Dorcas only looked disarmed. Her lips were parted as she watched Marlene sign, her hardened expression broken with shock.

Then Marlene went on, signing something else slowly, mouthing silent words as she concentrated. 

Dorcas’s jaw locked again, her dark eyes flashing. She picked up her little knife, and Remus really thought she was going to slice off Marlene’s face or something. But she just stabbed it through the middle of Marlene’s cow eye, destroying the lens she was supposed to remove.

“Bitch,” Marlene said. Remus was sure Dorcas could read that word. It was enunciated perfectly.

Dorcas pulled the knife free, wiped it clean on Marlene’s robe sleeve faster than Marlene could react, and went back to her dissection.

“Uh oh,” said Sirius, turning back around to smile at Remus. 

Remus was about to smile back at him, but then he saw Lily. She was extra focussed on her cow eye, staring at it closely and hovering over it with the scalpel. Her elbow rested on the table and she pressed her other hand to her forehead.

 “Lily?” Remus asked cautiously. “Is everything okay?”

“So ironic,” she mumbled.

“What is?”

“That my eye is having so much trouble seeing this eye.” She squeezed her eyes shut. “Why did no one say that the earth was going to spin so fast today? Shouldn’t they tell us things like that?” 

“Okay,” Remus said, deciding something. He drew his wand from his pocket, then subtly leaned around Sirius to point it at Marlene, casting a spell to cause hives to erupt on her hands, eventually spreading to the rest of her body. Then he did the same thing to James.

“Whatcha doin’, Moons?” Sirius asked. His cow eye was mostly untouched on the table in front of him.

“Don’t move,” Remus said, casting the hex on him, too. Then Lily. 

To finish, he pointed his wand at his own hand, and immediately felt a painful itch begin, as if barbed wire were wrapping around his hand and snaking up his arms. He put his wand away and raised his hand.

“Professor Slughorn?” he said.

Slughorn looked up from his desk. “Mr. Lupin?”

“I think I might have an allergy to the cow eye.”

“What do you mean?” said Slughorn, furrowing his eyebrows.

He held up his hands. “My skin is really itchy, and there’s this rash starting…”

James gasped. “Oh Merlin, I have the same disease!” he said. “I can’t lose my hands, I need them for quidditch!”

“An allergy is not a disease, you imbecile,” Snape said, scowling at him. “I hope your head falls off.”

“I need my head for quidditch, too!”

“Oh dear,” Slughorn said, taking Remus’s wrist and twisting it to observe the raised pink welts.

“Oh, it’s spreading!” Sirius said, looking at his hands in horror and trying to back up. “It’s on me!” He looked at Lily. “Ah, it got Evans, too!”

“I think there are ants all over me,” Marlene whined, shaking her arms. “Bad ones. With really sharp teeth. They’re eating me!”

“Alright, okay,” Slughorn said, laughing nervously. “If you’re experiencing some sort of reaction, why don’t you please head to the hospital wing to be treated.”

“Our cow eyes,” Lily said.

“We’ll just have you do an essay on the dissection process instead. We’ll make sure everyone has a lens for Friday.”

“Ants everywhere,” groaned Marlene.

“Alright, to the hospital wing! Let’s not panic!” Slughorn insisted, sounding panicked.

“I can make sure they get there, Professor,” Remus said, sliding his things from the table to his bag.

“Thank you, Mr. Lupin. Hurry, now.”

Remus gathered his friends, ushering them out the door, and heading in a stumbling, giggling crowd to the hospital wing. He had Lily’s hand in his, the girl completely spacing out, her eyes following things that Remus couldn’t see. 

“What’d you say to Meadowes?” Sirius asked Marlene. 

“Oh, um… I was trying to say that Slytherin was going to lose to Ravenclaw… And that they were both going to suck Gryffindor balls,” she said. “But I must’ve signed it wrong, because she got so mad at me.”

“I would bet that you got your point across just fine,” Remus said.

Madam Pomfrey opened the door when they got to the hospital wing.

“Mr. Lupin,” she said, smiling kindly, then her gaze travelled over the posse he had brought with him. “What…is going on?”

“We have a situation.”

Remus decided to tell the truth, but he didn’t specify who brought the biscuits, just said that a family member had sent them and his friends had eaten an unidentifiable amount. 

Each of his friends were put into their own hospital bed to monitor their vitals, better safe than sorry because no one knew how much marijuana they had ingested or if there were any other drugs—muggle or magical—laced in the cookies. Madam Pomfrey assured him that they all seemed fine, that they were just experiencing the dramatic effects of a lot of marijuana, and she gave them all a Sleeping Drought so they could sleep it off. She asked him to go fetch the other two.

Remus didn’t even have to go to the Gryffindor Tower, running into Peter and Mary on his way up, who were both sitting on one of the staircases.

“Moony,” Peter said. “Look.” He waved a napkin held in his hand, stuffed with a biscuits. “We went to the kitchen and the elves made us more biscuits.”

“We were starving,” Mary said, nodding and eating a biscuit of her own.

“Oh… Well, yeah,” Remus said. “Makes sense.”

He got them to follow him to the hospital wing, and, for the first time ever, he was the one sitting in a chair and waiting for them to be cleared for release. He worked on the essay he’d have to do for Slughorn now, and then he wrote three more for James, Sirius, and Marlene (Lily would want to write her own).

“Moony,” someone called from their bed. Sirius’s voice.

Remus got up from where he had been sitting inside Lily’s curtains, moving next door to answer Sirius.

“Hey, Padfoot,” he whispered.

“Moony,” Sirius said, sounding a bit loopy, smiling from where he was reclined against his pillows.

“What do you need?”

“Just wanted to see your beautiful face.”

Remus smiled back. “You’re still high.”

“High on you.”

“Case in point.”

“Hey, Moony?”

“Yeah?”

Sirius bit his lower lip, then released it with an exhale. “I like you a whole lot, you know?”

“I like you, too, Sirius,” he said softly.

A beat of silence.

“I wish it were real,” Sirius whispered, staring at Remus with piercing grey eyes.

Remus swallowed. “You wish what was real?”

“That you liked me.”

He laughed quietly. “I do like you, you idiot. I just said so.”

Sirius turned his head to look at the ceiling, sighing heavily. 

Remus watched him for a moment, his heartbeat thrumming in his ears, then said, “Get some rest, Padfoot.” He closed the curtains and added that conversation to the list of things that he was not allowed to think about. 

References: Grey's Anatomy, Barbie, The Office US. "You're like an angel with no wings." "So like a person." is from Season 2, Episode 17 of Parks & Recreation.

[just-a-little-unionoid]

Who said I was defending him? Like I said, one action or behaviour doesn't negate another, but it goes both way, you seem to struggle with the concept of complexity and duality

Also literally who fucking care about that guy, he was just an exemple (real life exemple but still), I could have chosen another one, like I said everyone fuck up at some point in their life, so I have options

Again, you're wasting your time and energy on hating me, I couldn't care less about what you think of me, but I do admit that at this point, for me this has nothing left to do with some cartoon, I'm getting legit concerned about you, I really can't understand why you would waste so much emotions on me when I already made clear it wouldn't do anything?

You're right tho, I don't really care. I mean, I'm honest when I say I care, I would prefer you to not hurt yourself over a cartoon and some random person (me) on the Internet, but at the end of the day it won't ruin my life, if you tell me you don't want to talk to you anymore I will stop and will have forgotten you in two days, so whatever

I’m afraid he’s contracting babygirl disease :(

[judasofsuburbia]

So you’re looking to write some smut but feeling stuck, uninspired, or unsure where to start. Smut writing comes easily to some and not others, and that’s okay! Here are some tips I’ve gathered over my few years of writing smut to take with a grain of salt! It's my opinion; you can always do what you want!! <333

It’s fiction writing at the end of the day. So, it’s okay if you haven’t experienced what you’re writing about or maybe you have experienced it but you find it difficult to put it into words. I’ve never fought a creature from the Upside Down but I’ve written about it because that’s what fiction writing IS!! You’re creating a story from your own experiences/thoughts/emotions and applying it to a made-up scenario. So don’t feel discouraged by your own personal journey, anyone can write smut!!

When in doubt, plan it out. When I’m really stuck, just simply grabbing a piece of notebook paper and writing out each event in a sequence, even in the most basic terms, can make things so much easier. For example: making out, blow job, hand job, prep, fuck. Write down positions (sometimes limbs can get lost in the sauce and it is so hard to figure out how they’re actually doing it lmao). Write down settings. Write down if one person is leading it more than the other or if they switch off. Write down desperation levels (personally, I think it’s more fun when desperation is very high but casual fluffy smut is fun too!!) This will help the writing process feel a lot less daunting. 

More specifically, remember that prep is important. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been taken out of a smutty fic because they get to the main act (penetration, typically) way before someone should be ready to. Fingers, mouths, and lube (actual lube or something that can be safely used as lube. Blood is not lube. Blood is not lube as it is a liquid that dries quickly and offers no moisture so it will not help you penetrate anything, as hot as it would be.) Foreplay and prep can be a really good tool to establish a sexy dynamic between your characters and get the reader ramped up to read through to the end! 

If you feel like the action part is getting too technical, this is where you can add in thoughts and emotions that will give your smut some personality. It can feel very silly to write, for instance, your character A thinking “Wow character B is so hot” but it’s a thought that would probably cross their mind!! Write out any nerves the characters are feeling or maybe even the confidence they’re feeling. Write out what sensations they pay attention to. Write out what they like and dislike. Write out what actions cause an immediate response from them (moaning, bucking their hips, groaning, eyes rolling, etc.) Write out how your character would verbally respond (Are they dirty talking? Are they praising? Are they degrading? Are they stuttering through their words? Are they incoherent because the sex is so good?) It’s important that your characters still feel natural and not like sex robots. Unless your story is about sex robots, then go off!!!

The thesaurus is your fucking FRIEND!! Smut can feel ridiculously repetitive, especially if you’ve written it before. I say every time I write a blow job scene that “god blow job scene is blow job scene is blow job scene” because that’s how it FEELS! Use your resources like the thesaurus or there are a million posts with other ways to say “said”, ways to describe a kiss, etc. Just be careful that you don’t fall into using words that seem unnatural to the flow of the story (for example, a lot of synonyms for cock are simply…unsettling and can take your reader out of the story). Find ways to creatively tell the same action again and again which leads to tip #5…

Go read some smut. The tag “porn what plot” is so unbelievably helpful. Even if the writing isn’t exactly your style or your preference, sometimes reading someone else’s descriptions of sexual acts can be helpful if you’re lost! I have a few faves that I go back to read to get inspiration and I have notes about what it is specifically I enjoyed about their work. While you’re at it, if a fic inspires you and you feel comfortable doing so, leave a comment! It’ll make the author’s day, I promise. 

TAKE THIS TIP WITH AN ABSOLUTE GRAIN OF SALT but…go watch it. Or my personal preference, go listen to it. If I’m really lost, I’ll seek out audio porn that follows the same ~vibe~ of whatever I’m writing. There are many websites for this but Soundgasm is my go-to (it’s a free upload site so there are THOUSANDS of sounds and varying quality levels so it might take a second to find what you’re looking for)! Even a sexy playlist on Spotify can put you into a good headspace for writing. Just make sure you’re being safe and looking out for your own comfort levels. Never put yourself in a situation to experience something triggering for the sake of writing a good story. 

All of this to say, it is so different to write smut than it is to write a regular plot. It can feel incredibly daunting to go about it and find the perfect balance between technical actions and thoughts/feelings/dialogue and then make it all cohesive in the end. It’s hard to do but it’s not impossible! 

[spockandawe]

You know what I can't get enough of? Speculation about what the fictional novel Proud Immortal Demon Way says about its fictional author. Because it would be completely possible to make a story like this without that connection. I'm not sure I've read any other transmigration story where the author was a character, so just that addition adds a lot of interesting texture to the situation even without getting deep in the author's head, but it's so interesting how deep I can speculate in so many directions if I think about getting in his head.

And oh man, I could talk for AGES about how Shang Qinghua and his iconic protagonist reflect each other, but a lot of people have written about that already! Including in the medium of fic, which is my favorite way to consume that kind of crunch. So let's talk about familial neglect and mistreatment and the author's favorite character.

Honestly, when I look at how iconic this ship is, I'm astonished there aren't more hit novels where the author gets yeeted into their own book and has to navigate platonic or romantic relationships with their own characters. A lot of the parallels between Shang Qinghua and Luo Binghe are about them being alike in ugly and vulnerable ways, ways I don't think either of them likes about themselves, and regarding aspects of their personalities that I don't think they'd be happy discussing period. Like, Binghe very much hates himself, that's right there on the page. And Shang Qinghua is a ridiculous character, he's very funny, but he's also not stupid. He's very aware of who he is and what he is, and makes a decision to behave the ways he does. I'm typing this up because I was scrolling through an old chat looking for something and tripped across a conversation about shang qinghua and fawn trauma response.

He knows he does this thing! He has an easy opening to turbokill Mobei-jun while he's unconscious and decides to go the route of begging for his life and trying to ingratiate himself after Mobei-jun wakes up instead, which is a much trickier process. He says it himself, that Mobei-jun is his ideal, that he embodies everything Shang Qinghua wants to be, that etc. And that's hilarious and all, especially in light of the eventual romance and the clownery it takes to get there, but in classic svsss fashion, it also becomes a lot sadder when you add up all the pieces and see everything Shang Qinghua hates about himself.

In some ways he's an even more avoidant narrator than Shen Qingqiu, he deflects and jokes like a motherfucker, so it really is a matter of assembling all the pieces and seeing where there are gaps. But what really underscored the connection for me was Mobei-jun's reaction to parental neglect. Because that's what pushed Shang Qinghua into being an author in the first place, his parents divorced and remarried and kinda just.... forgot about him.

Mobei-jun's dad doesn't exactly do that, but he is operating without a mom in the picture, and rather than remarrying, he just chooses to ignore the thing where his shitty brother is persistently trying to kill his son. That really sucks! But Mobei-jun never shows the smallest hint of weakness or vulnerability over this, even when it would have really helped to use his words, like 'hi my uncle is coming to kill me and i trust you to protect me.' He's everything cool, aloof, arrogant, proud, all a bunch of adjectives that really do not apply to Shang Qinghua. Mobei-jun honestly looks like a boring character if you just stick to the main story, because he's so self-contained and controlled. Compare and contrast to Shang Qinghua, who accidentally outs himself as a transmigrator like two minutes after showing up and proceeds to be hilarious for the rest of the book.

(Brief aside to say that I don't think Mobei-jun is necessarily a happier or healthier person for all of this, lmao. The conversation that fawn reaction thing came from was talking about freeze (tee hee) versus fawn in response to threats or stressful situations. But that goes along with the svsss theme of people used to engaging with this universe as a fictional property coming to terms with the depth and complexity of other people's emotions and not just seeing them as simplistic not-real characters in a book)

(Additionally, this makes the ship hilarious as a take on 'opposites attract,' but also it gives me actual Emotions that Shang Qinghua's ideal who he wishes he could be, purely incidentally, he is able to value and love Shang Qinghua in a way that Shang Qinghua can't and doesn't seem to totally understand)

And what's very interesting here. Is that Shang Qinghua made these two characters, Luo Binghe and Mobei-jun. His protagonist ultimately reflects a lot of his own vulnerabilities and insecurities (secretly and quietly in pidw, much more.... overtly in svsss), and Mobei-jun corrects for his vulnerabilities and insecurities. He's the person Shang Qinghua wishes he could be, which is basically... the opposite of Shang Qinghua, to an almost comical degree. And he then gives Mobei-jun the VERY BEST plot armor he can devise. It's hard for a male character to exist near a stallion protagonist without getting swept up in rivalries/suspicions/etc and getting killed by the protagonist, but he makes sure that his favorite character is safe from these things. He's protecting the character he wishes he could be from the character whose faults most reflect his own. That is very sweet and weird and sad, and that's very reflective of the svsss experience, I think.

[tristomisto]

I didn’t know how much I needed Jonathan Sims to ridicule my decision making skill.

This game felt like a dream come true and was so my vibe, I can’t wait to find all the branching paths but man those endings…

Spoilers from my playthrough and the game’s ending below

TW: Some Gore talk

So my goal was to be as non-violent as possible (almost always choosing to leave the dagger), and while it’s likely you can get this dialogue anyway, it made me weak.

To have a divine entity tell me “you have a gentle heart” when I told it I didn’t want to hurt it anymore. Floored me.

The game also captivated me in the way the voices worked. Because it’s the same way I hear voices in my head. They don’t have control over me, (unlike the game) I know they are fictional and they are more of a nuisance then anything. They just pop in and out to say their piece, even if I don’t want to hear it. I prefer to think of it as my conscience trying to get through to me in a different way.

Any way back to the game, I made a save right before confronting the narrator and got to see most of the endings (I think).

My first was getting back to the cabin with the Voice of the Hero. I left the dagger upstairs to go to the Princess and figure out what happens next. I always asked for her name, and never got one other than then what the entity called itself, The Shifting Mound.

But the Princess gave me a name, she called me Quiet (due to you actually being a god called the Long Quiet, which was a really cool twist). I found the nickname adorable, so in my head I started calling her Shift. My choice, as always was ever the peaceful option.

I told her we could just leave, and she trusted me. I thanked the Voice of the Hero, who stayed behind to look for the others when we decided to leave. Then together, the Princess and I opened the door, and we’re left to interpret what happens next. I think this is the “good” ending or at least mine.

I also love any ending in which the Princess is given agency. If you bring the dagger downstairs to her at the last scene, she offers to stab you with it. Doing so will reset everything back to the beginning of the game, in the hope that things will be different the next go around and the world won’t end. And even if it isn’t, at least they will find each other here at this moment again and again, and both make the same decision.

I love this ending, especially due to the explore options before taking it. I remember saying something along the lines of “I’ll miss you.” And she says I won’t have to, because when I come back, she’ll be right there waiting for me, even if she doesn’t remember.

I also quite enjoyed the endings of becoming gods together. While it’s still good, I think arguably the ending I personally don’t like is the Narrator’s want which is slaying the princess at the end.

In terms of individual branching paths, I love the spectre ending where you let the princess possess you as a ghost, the “hey killer” really got to me. The one where she becomes like a demon girl and just wants to fight is really funny until it gets really sad.

I was also cooked from the beginning because my first path when she started to gnaw her arm off, it unnerved me for a few seconds before I was like “well if I was trapped with no way out I’d probably end like this too.” Then the huge puppy dog eyes she has whenever you’re helping her remove her arm.

Overall 10/10 I love this game so much, and having Jonathan sims as all the voices in my head was a real treat. Will get all the achievements eventually!

And the first romance ending was so funny because I hear Archivist Jonathan Sims narrating with a bunch “ews” the whole time. IM SORRY JON IF I MEET AN ENTITY I WILL GREET IT WITH LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING. I know she started to gnaw off her own arm but I get it!!!

[risetherivermoon]

what if i said that if youre in charge of an entire crew of people and you dont seperate one of them from the rest when told that one person is a rapist youre an inherently shitty person. shocking: curly was in charge. it was his fucking job to do something. your defense of him is pathetic and comparing people who criticize curly to A LITERAL FUCKING RAPIST is ballsy at best and disgustingly disrespectful to any and all victims of rape at worst. maybe fucking think about the things you say before you post them. piece of shit

if this is in reference to my post about people calling Curly as bad as Jimmy then i think you've absolutely misunderstood my post, and you should possibly look into my other posts about the characters in Mouthwashing especially Curly

all i was saying with that post is that it's inherently wrong to call one character the same level of evil or badness when one is a rapist and the other is one that has enabled him, yes they are both shitty i have never disagreed with that and i have never 'defended' Curly, but saying Curly is equal to Jimmy is just wrong and it pisses me off because Curly's character has more substance than that, they are both shitty people, doesn't mean they are the same amount of shitty

i was 'comparing' people to Jimmy in the tags because of the fact people mischaracterize characters a lot of the time, not comparing people to the rapist factor of his character but the fact he is an unreliable narrator, if that was your immediate thought of what i meant then idk what else to say but maybe get better at picking up context clues? I was comparing people to a certain aspect of Jimmy not him as an entirety

you can be mad at me all u want and idk who you are, but im pretty sure it's unproductive to leave anonymous hate asks calling a random person on the internet a piece of shit over fandom debates and takes,

the amount of people who misunderstand what i say when i make posts about Curly is ridiculous, just because i talk about a character and analyze them doesn't mean i support his actions, your guys's obsession with morality relating to fictional medias and characters is absurd and a waste of energy. I can understand the significance of a story like this when it relates to real life rape culture and actual sexual assault survivors, that is why i made the post in the first place. rapists and abusers are worse than people who are (in Curlys case) enablers and especially who are victims,

shockingly i was not defending Curly in that post and this is why i have to fucking clarify i dont support his actions in every post i make about him, jesus christ...

[tobi-smp]

one of the strangest oddities of the dream smp fandom, when it was still alive, was the smaller but persistent crowd of people that Fully ridiculed the idea that the dream smp was a piece of indie fiction. who scoffed at the idea that the people planning and writing and acting years long arcs and story lines could be considered writers or actors.

because it’s like. Yeah, indie media can be an acquired taste, especially when the medium itself is something we’re unfamiliar with. some people can’t fully immerse themselves in claymation as a storytelling medium and that’s a very old and established one.

but the dream smp was popular For its roleplaying and storytelling. it was a few Months of pure roleplaying with no story line compared to Years worth of roleplaying, including Scripted roleplaying. the vast Vast majority of people not only found the dream smp While it was fully taken over by story telling, but specifically found it Through the fan media made about said story.

and whether or not you personally are able to take that story seriously doesn’t change the fact that you are a fan of the story roleplay server.

it’s a bit like walking into a denny’s and making fun of the people eating their pancakes for thinking it’s Real breakfast food as your waiter draws a whipped cream smiley on your stack.

like, are you aware that you are also here?

[timelesslords]

fic writer twenty questions!!!

I got tagged by the beautiful lovely gorgeous @tapemonkey21 who has written some of my fav star wars fics to date and who got me on the cody/obi-wan/satine train without which my current wip would not exist <333

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

55!

2. What's your AO3 word count?

812,034 😵‍💫

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Rn only star wars with Ahsoka in it, but I've written for TLOU and PJO too!

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

Under Freezing Stars

have my back, yeah, every day

Violent Heart

invisible string

For Real This Time

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yesssss!!! I honestly love responding to comments just as much as reading them. I like chatting with people and hearing their thoughts and their theories and what they want to happen next!! I think it makes it more fun for everyone but especially for me hehe

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

and the waves come crashing down for sure. I'm really not an angsty ending kind of person except with that fic lol

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Roman Holiday has the cheesiest mushiest most ridiculous holiday fluff ending ever <3

8. Do you get hate on fics?

haha yea 😭 messed up some niche details in my star wars fic and got absolutely lambasted in the comments lmao i never wanted to post sw again 😭 but then i realized i just needed to find the gay people and it all worked out lol

9. Do you write smut? If so what kind?

I would say I'm retired from smut writing lmao 😭 but idk maybe something will change. i am not typing out the gory details of everything ive written on here I have no desire to get cancelled again

10. Do you write cross overs? What's the craziest one you've written?

No but I do write AU fusions <3 my favorite stupid insane one was a James Potter/Lily Evans Batman universe fusion fic it lowkey ate but I had to hide it because I was embarrassed at the quality and the very just-took-sociology-101 level of social commentary 😭

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I don't think so???? back in the day maybe lol

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

No but I have had a few podfics of my fics made and that is my absolute most favorite thing ever ever 🥹

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

yes with my wonderful beautiful brilliant best friend forever who shares half of my brain @captain-jackson

14. What's your all time favorite ship?

all-time...,, whew. rn it's definitely Codywan. Idk if I have an all-time transcendent one that I always come back to tbh. I'm really more into platonic relationship dynamics than ships tbh

15. What's a WIP you'd like to finish but doubt you ever wilI?

God, I have one re-writing the Zygerria arc where Ahsoka sneaks onto the mission instead of being incorporated into it that i want to finish SO BAD. when the ties that bind is done I'm really going to hammer it out because I do love it but its kind of a monster.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I'm good with dialogue and characterization and, on occasion, plot twists.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I hate writing filler. I can't do it for the life of me, which means I also tend to have pretty poor pacing. im also bad at ending scenes which is why many times my chapters will end with my characters falling asleep 😭

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

jesus fucking christ it's so hard. doing it for Mando'a is hard and it's not even a real language. Usually I just go for the itallics but sometimes it's nice to have the immersion (which only works if you do it perfectly lol)

19. First fandom you wrote for?

I did not stake out the username "timelesslords" back in 2013 for the answer to this question to NOT be Doctor Who

20. Favorite fic you've ever written?

cheating and doing my fav from my three main fandoms:

Under Freezing Stars because it was the first long piece of fiction I ever finished, and without it I would not have made three of my best friends in the whole world so its very special and important to me

if you never bleed you're never gonna grow is one where I feel like I did something interesting and innovative with form and perspective and I'm really proud of it. I feel like a lot of times as a fic writer you can feel like what you're doing is repetitive and this one felt really unique to me!

The Ties That Bind is still a WIP but I honestly really love it and have been loving the process of writing it a lot. it's the first WIP I started posting without having at least 75% of the fic completed and it's been really interesting to see what a different process it is pre-writing vs writing as you go! Also, I love the plot contrivance that makes up the premise, I love working out all the little butterfly effects of that decision, I love making it gay and poly and I love writing a million different perspectives!!!

this was so super fun I miss doing tag games like this hehe :3 low pressure tags @bbyannabeth @lena-hills @bookishjules @captain-jackson & anyone else who wants to consider urself tagged by me :3

[wearenemies]

i literally havent stopped thinking about ur peterick college professor AU all day.. its so good

giggles and blushes so sweet of you to say…. if you have any criticism at any point or any ideas of what to do with it i love how you write their dynamic and would be more than happy to sit my white ass down and listen 🫶

i've been thinking about the whole premise a little further and still am not sure whether or not they're going to straight up be married because i think patrick wearing a ring would be a good in for theorisation about his relationship status that would otherwise seem even more unnecessary, but i don't know if p2 marriage is an unrealistic and overly romantic stance to take, especially considering what went on in real life, so i'm still on the fence about that. i might just say they're engaged and leave it at that.... also unsure still whether our narrator would be a student or a coworker of theirs? i think the coworker situation better justifies this guy's interest in the lives of these guys because they'd want to make friends, and there are considerably more situations in which it would be appropriate for them to be interacting (after work drinks, etc. patrick could wear the stupid t shirt pete got him. beautiful world) but i worry that that'd betray to an immersion-breaking degree how little i know about the inner workings of american academia and employment at american universities and whatnot so. another glaring issue. i also realise that the whole keeping-the-narrator-in-the-dark thing might be much less realistic to achieve irl than i make it seem, so i’ll have to employ some serious lampshading + sitcom logic to make it work in a way that feels natural, but i figure that if you’re able to suspend your disbelief enough to imagine patrick pursuing higher education you can believe anything so peace and love.

on that note, the peterick history i’m imagining is that they would’ve been in the band but it never would’ve really gone anywhere because of patrick’s reluctance vocally, so they all (with the exception of andy: with how ridiculously skilled and prominent in the hardcore scene he was it'd be completely unreasonable to assume that he wouldn't have joined a band and made it pretty big at some point) ended up going back to school like their parents wanted. pete was vehemently against finishing his poli sci degree, and his parents decided to allow him to pursue something he actually wanted to do (that being literary analysis and creative writing) on the condition that he’d work as hard as he could and not touch narcotics or whatever, and it was a hard sell but after he graduated he decided that he’d rather be doing that than anything else, and since his parents had the funds to support him and running on mani mostofi’s logic that ‘if pete didn’t get famous, he would’ve ended up in jail’, they considered it a productive and wholesome use of his time, and pete just kind of stayed in academia. i imagine he’s very well known in literary circles because of his general charisma and bizarre angles on things, and i can see him having written several significant (and not to toot his horn too much but pretty great) journal pieces on the works of his favourite writers, and a wider fictional bibliography than just the single weird roman-a-clef that he has to his name in real life.

patrick’s a little more difficult to work with conceptually because he graduated from high school with significantly worse grades than pete in real life, doesn’t have weirdly famous relatives, and is generally not a hugely academically inclined person, so i might just have to gloss over explaining that (maybe he took some supplemental classes and took out a LOT of loans or whatever) but i imagine music theory being a subject of interest for him because of the technical and semi-scientific nature of it as a very trivia-minded (and ‘possibly autistic’. coughs) person who likes the factual nature of natural history. i can see him having work published in the yale-founded journal of music theory, and maybe focusing especially on music theory’s application in the fields of anthropology and cognitive sciences because of the aforementioned natural history interest. i see him and pete having drifted apart a little over the years (maybe they fucked for a while - potentially starting ‘05 - and had a messy ‘friendship breakup’ around 2009?) running into each other at an arts conference in like 2011/2012, ending up both working at the same place in around 2015, and finally getting together as a result of that connection, no unsubstantial degree of nudging from friends, and years of mutual tension.

there’s for sure a huge extent to which you’ll have to ignore how fundamentally the whole academia thing is probably not something they’d do, but i’m begging you guys to let me know if anything seems too egregiously out of character i’ve never written fic before i’m playing with my touys here 👍

[adarkrainbow]

Do you think the way people talk and discuss Walt's "Classic Three" (Snow White, Cinderella and Aurora) is accurate or close to what happens in the movies? I mean, they are always referred as excessively passive, weak, only interested on their looks (vain? superficial?), useless, beauty being their only good quality... And I ask myself, when was the last time these people watched the movies? Snow White negotiated her stay in the house, Cinderella survived a life of pure abuse & orchestrated her own escape from the tower, and, while not very much is shown about Aurora, she was about to sacrifice her personal happiness for the kingdom's sake (something Philip didn't have in mind)that takes courage! They don't wield swords but they are much stronger that they appear, and while I get some of the critique, I hate the "strong only means kicking butt" idea, like, it's incomplete, and superficial, and it can be reductive & dangerous (for the girls, and for the boys too!)

I have talked about this before in many posts, and others have talked about this way better than me, so I'll try to break down my opinion in a quite short and concise way. And as usual, you probably won't be surprised to find me again, neutral on those topic.

On one side: people are unfairly criticizing and judging too harshly the "original trio" of Disney movies. This has been explained by many people on this website, so I won't expand on this too much, but indeed, there is a mixture of superficial viewing of these movies, of not-contextualizing them, of projecting modern-day values and expectations over nearly century old pieces, and of a general need to criticize and rant about everything (especially big corporations and the "classics" of culture - whenever something becomes a classic, a backlash awaits). Cinderella is a much more surprising and strong character than you'd expect. These movies do teach the idea that being strong doesn't mean simply kicking everybody and proving yourself to be a lone wolf (especially since there's a strong focus on friendship in those stories). The whole "the prince kissing Sleeping Beauty in her sleep is rape culture" is ridiculous ; especially since in the Disney version it was made to be a true love kiss, between people who were in love, and the whole context was the breaking of a curse ; AND the actual rapist-origins of the story are from a 16th century Italian fairytale nobody knew about until the Internet dug it up in the 2010s. Even today many people who invoke the rapist-story are unable to tell you who wrote it or where it comes from, because they just latch onto the idea "Oh yes there's a rape story." and that's it, no more research for them.

Heck, Sleeping Beauty is even surprising for its time AND for the Disney criteria by having elderly, non-attractive female leads who do more than the actual male hero and ultimately are the true focus of the tale - the fairy godmothers. Same things with Snow-White - to make the dwarfs the equal of the titular Snow-White, even more to focus more character development and screen time on them rather than the princess, and to give them unique characterisation and treat them as people rather than plot-props... This was BIG, this was not something usual, and this was a game-changer. Overall - I say the same thing for fantasy literature - a lot of the "new" or "modern" twists people expect from today's fictions are awaiting you in the past. Everybody complains about traditional fantasy not having POC main characters or not having strong female lead that is not sexualized - Earthsea had all those by the 60s and 70s, and it was just as influential on fantasy as Lord of the Rings or Elric.

However... Recognizing that a lot of the criticism is unfair and overblown, and that the backlash is ignorant and caricatural does NOT mean we should just blindly worship and naively accept those movies as untouchable, sacred relics that cannot be criticize. If there is a backlash, it means there is a reason for such criticism to arise in the first place, and we must identify why - to give back the problem in its proper proportions, and not in the exaggerated state we are offered today.

So... The other side - why is this Disney trio not fitting our modern world?

And the answer is very simple. They are heroines of 17th and 19th centuries tales, that were adapted for an early 20th century American mindset. They are bound to age or be unfit for the 21st century. Placing them back into context allows us to understand how great, good or groundbreaking they were in their time - but it does not mean they hold up to modern-day characters. Some elements of the Disney movies aged better than ever, some are still resonating today, and this is what gives them an "out-of-time" feeling. Yet... yet there is a reason why the "Disney princess" had to evolve and had to change herself to fit a new audience. Why did the characters of Rapunzel and Elsa of Disney had such huge success and were beloved by the masses? Because they were answering early 21st century needs, society and expectations, the same way the original trio did for their time.

A character like Aurora of Sleeping Beauty couldn't work today because she literaly is a paper-thin character that does nothing throughout the story and is truly more of a MacGuffin than anything. Oh yes she speaks, has a song, has feelings and emotions - and there is this very progressive idea of having Aurora be unhappy and traumatized by discovering her princess heritage, which aged very well! But the rest? She is a baby ; then she sings about being in love ; then she cries about not wanting to be a princess ; then she sleeps ; then she is married. The story is done and moved by the interesting characters about her, but not by her - Maleficent wants to destroy Aurora, Philip wants to save Aurora, the fairy godmothers wants to protect Aurora... I do not recall which feminist created this theory, but there is the test of the lamp. If you can replace a female character by a beautiful lamp, this is bad for you. And unfortunately Disney's Sleeping Beauty "succeeeds" at the test of the lamp, since Aurora's massively passive involvment in the story makes her a perfect fit. The king and queen create the most beautiful lamp you ever saw ; Maleficent angry curses the lamp to be destroyed ; the fairy godmothers are tasked with keeping the lamp safe ; later the prince discovers the lamp in the woods and wants to have it for his living room, so he plans to return later ; meanwhile the fairy godmothers return the lamp to their rightful owners the king and queen, while Maleficent captures the prince who returned in hope of taking the lamp ; etc etc... It does not change the story one bit.

Another, even more obvious example, of the "age" of those characters - Snow-White. Disney's Snow-White is the very embodiment of the "50s housewife" cliche, and thus was a perfect fit for this first-half-of-the-20th-century American society. In the Grimm story, the little girl enters the house, takes the food, goes to sleep, and upon meeting the dwarfs they make a bargain of chores in exchange of protection. In the Disney movie? She cleans the house all by herself, without asking anybody, just in hope it will please people. Which is a very "fairytale" move... But still is perceived badly as just the typical idea that "A good girl cleans up the house, that we ask her or not". The fact Snow-White also acts as a mother figure for the dwarfs despite being a teenage girl is... yeah it is questionable and there's a whole baggage of the girl existing as solely a future mother and a housekeeper-in-training. Let's not even talk of the infantilization of the dwarfs just because of their small size despite being clearly much older than her...

So yeah, I always take a neutral stance on things (except for a few stuff), and this is no exception. There is an unfair treatment of the original Disney princesses, definitively, and people are misreading the original movies... But when we take a critical look we also have to recognize that these characters were designed for a given society and a given time, and that now they made their time, we do not need them anymore and we can move on to other characters while fondly remembering them or taking inspiration from them. Erasing these characters would be stupid and absurd - but it is just as stupid and absurd to try to cling onto them constantly and to try to make them fit everywhere and anywhere (yes I am taking a jab at Disney and their perpetual recycling and their favoritism of remakes over new movies...).

.

[thewatercolours]

3, 7, 13, 15 for the EOY writer post?

3. Did you achieve everything you wanted to this year?

I was pleased with the number of oneshots I shared, and time I spent investing in my imagination, and the care I put into drafting my multichapter, "Path of Kingship." I certainly had a number of plans that fell through, of course, honestly I'd be a bit bit disappointed with the scope of my plans if I didn't dream bigger than I could actually accomplish!

Some plans that didn't play included properly reviving my dormant original novel, The Brilliant Hour (it's been sitting at roughly 70k for an age, and it's a delicate dance between remaining open to the fact I haven't entirely scrapped it, and preventing it from being a roadblock to other creativity because I can't let it go.) I did a lot of concept work on a new fiction about a high seas-based monastic order and a kidnapped royal, but the timing didn't seem to be right for it. I hoped I would finish "Path of Kingship" before the year was out, but it's still in progress. Well, some of these may still be groundwork for the future, and for those that weren't? Well, I enjoyed them anyhow.

7. What are three songs you put on your WIP-playlist this year?

A song from the Path of Kingship playlist: "Stronger" by Ellie Holcomb. The moment I heard the lyrics I could feel the resonance with Graham's arc from terrified newbie to confident leader.

A song from The Brilliant Hour playlist: Tried to rebuild this playlist from memory. I had an expansive playlist for this novel on Itunes before my account locked me out. I'm sorry to lose all the ones I've forgotten, but some songs are indelibly linked to story, and come to mind immediately. One is "Marrakesh Night Market" by Loreena McKennitt, which had a heavy hand in inspiring the opening chapter.

A song from Anders Solmor's playlist (Saltmarsh - not a traditional wip since it's from my rpg campaign with my brother - but I do so much writing for it and approach it so much like a writing project it counts): This feels ridiculous, and I'll add that I'm not a Swiftie. But I found a string quartet version of "Look What You Made Me Do" that's going to be perfect for Anders once he has his realization. Having a traditional-sounding instrumental version fits the Saltmarsh vibe, but in my head I can hear the words. I'm delighting myself with the double meaning of the refrain lyric if I associate it with Anders. He was made to do so much without even realizing it - and when he finds out that knowledge might make him do something quite different.

13. How did you change as a writer? Did you learn anything new? Started to plan instead of pants? Share your wisdom!

Other than what I've mentioned in another ask - let's see. I continue to fight the good fight to trim back my prose's tendency to indulgence and purple. I don't know if I got any better at it, but I was more ruthless in intention at least! I also found it helped me to consciously decide when a work was something I wanted to polish to the best of my ability vs when it was just a "doodle." I do believe in putting one's best foot forward and developing one's skills, and the works that mean a lot to me deserve to have my best effort. But sometimes it's ok to dash something off as a little connection with the two or three people who read my work, especially the King's Quest stuff, and not agonize over perfection. So I guess, I gave myself permission both to truly throw myself heart and soul into the good stories, and to say, "Ah, it has Graham in it. They'll probably like it" for the doodles. (Is this a sound philosophy? I don't know, but it seems good for me at least in this chapter of my life.)

15.Time for shameless self-promotion! answer with a piece of writing you want others to see/read! (if you have nothing posted/published this year, any other year is fine too ^^)

If you want a tiny taste of my original fiction, or just something really short, here's an excerpt that stands OK on its own: "The Ungentleman." Pseudo-eighteenth century world, mainly focused on a fun dynamic between the two mains desperately imbibing sweets before they commit themselves to a situation where there probably won't be any sweets.

If you want a taste of my fanfiction, "Path of Kingship" stands okay on its own, regardless of whether you know King's Quest. The upshot is that a guy who never expected to be king finds himself on the throne, and tries on different approaches to his new position like boots. Some zaniness but also introspection.

[myjustice]

🔥+ current state of fandom culture

it's bad. there's so much bad in the way fandom is now a days. i remember fandom being fun, people being silly & ridiculous, sharing their thoughts & their preferences & likes without worrying about some idiot out there to get them for just having a preference & opinion that just did not match with theirs. if there was something you didn't agree with then you just ignored it & filtered it out or if you felt compelled to comment the discussions i would see from my personal experience were always civil ones contained within the confines of the fictional work & not someone calling someone homophobic just because they preferred a m/f ship over a m/m ship ( that's not how that works by the way ).

everybody is more focused on having some sort of nonexistent higher ground in their opinion compared to everybody else's rather than consuming something because they enjoy it. somehow the culture switched into it being hostile & competitive over time. i can't pinpoint where it started to happen, but when it did it was definitely a shock to me. this is a problem in every fandom unless the fandom is extremely small, genshin is my large fandom, i'm in a much smaller fandom & everything i see & hear from other much larger fandoms & this one have not been a problem in my smaller fandom. fandom isn't fun anymore, as a whole nobody has fun, it only works now a days when you find a small group of people in that fandom. which isn't a bad thing either as long as you're having fun, that's the whole point of a fandom, it was always to just have fun.

but it's why i don't go in too deep into fandoms, especially big ones. because i want to have fun, if you want to consume stuff that makes you angry for some strange reason that's on you, get better i guess.

people who make fandom their entire personality though are also quite the piece of work. this is going to be so mean but literally go outside, because usually good rule of thumb it's these people who are the problem & take fandom way too seriously when they shouldn't be. if you can't handle someone having a different opinion, a different take, a different headcanon, a different preference, a different something that doesn't match with what you think & your initial response is to be aggressive to that person, to be ugly, to make them sound like they're vile, then you're the problem & you need to step back & remember that life is outside, not in the internet since that's where usually you find your fandoms.

even i who doesn't go too deep into my largest fandom unless it's for my work have been told i can't call myself a lesbian for being okay with the neuvifuri ship? i can't imagine how it's like for people who actively engage in fandoms deep on their day to day & i don't want to.

i've seen things i disagree with but i'm not going to do anything about it. that's how they're consuming it, it's not going to hurt me. it's not that hard, it's not going to kill you for just saying oh i disagree & just go on with your day unbothered, if it does it's a bit embarrassing in my opinion. i can express i disagree with it in my space, but i'm not going to go after them, i'm not going to dis them because then i'll be contributing to that problem.

then there's this weird i don't know what to properly call it, almost this purity culture in fandoms. i've seen so many people have to justify themselves & defend themselves for liking a downright vile character & explain that they don't support or condone their actions like they're being held on trial by a mob of just downright weird, very weird people, that used to never happen before. it's odd. if you can't separate fiction from reality you have to work on that in my opinion, that's what i think. not everybody is affected by fiction like the person next to you. someone can watch gore & go on with their day eating a cupcake five minutes later like they didn't just watch someone on screen get gut open. there are people out there like that because it's a fictional piece.

i feel like i'm ranting on & on at this point.

the point is that it isn't what it used to be, not anymore.

meme

[nyarlathotep-thecrawlingchaos]

Get to Know the Unknowable!!

14 DEC 2023 Lest I ever forget this momentous day

Hey so I found a list of weird unambiguous questions so we're doing a get-to-know-the-blogger thing for shits and giggles, which I guess I'll link in my masterlist or something.

Gonna include some blog-driven questions first and then just delve straight into what-the-actual-fuck territory.

Here we goooooooooooo

Fandoms?

One Piece Live Action is the only one I'm actively writing right now, largely for my own sanity. Fandoms I also write for include One Piece anime/manga (of course, though I'm painfully behind), Death Note, Harry Potter, Supernatural, Seven Deadly Sins anime, Durarara!, Chrono Trigger/Chrono Cross, and maybe some others I might remember and add later or something. Feel free to make a random ask request for literally anything listed, there's a chance I might end up responding to it. But OPLA is my hyperfixation at the moment, with a little spice added here and there from manga. I make my own canon, don't like it then sail on.

Genres?

Oh fuck me up, I will write any genre. My original work is primarily horror, sometimes with a touch or fantasy or science fiction, almost always with a splash of crime. Fanfiction often revolves around romance, but if you want something niche, DEAR GODS TELL ME I WANT TO PARTAKE especially if it's horror please ask me to write horror

Reply time to ask requests?

My life is very chaotic right now, and thus therefore also is my reply time. Do not get disheartened if I write a few headcanons and/or a one-shot or two before I get to your request. Writing is very much a coping mechanism for me, so I write what I feel. That does NOT mean I'm not interested in your request, it just means that I want to make sure I'm in the right mindset to do it justice because I love you people and the fact that you like the shit I'm shoveling makes me so unreasonably happy.

Are you really an ageless unknowable horror?

Yes. We get into fandoms, too. Eternity gets fucking boring okay don't judge. Especially when your bff has been napping for LITERAL CENTURIES WOULD YOU WAKE UP ALREADY YOU TENTACLED DIPSHIT I'M STARTING TO RELATE TO THESE MORTALS AND IT'S UNCOMFORTABLE

What is the most ridiculous nightmare you have ever had?

Actually I wrote a whole ass horror story about it, which I might share here someday. So there was this epidemic of huge windstorms one night that knocked out the power in a handful of small towns around the world. Then the next day there were these weird little black rocks, oval shaped, about an two inches long and one inch wide. Smooth like river rocks with a white line running through them, just scattered around the towns here and there. Not super noticeable, not tons of them, but just enough that they looked out of place. If one came in contact with your skin, e.g. you picked one up or kicked one up into your shoe, you'd get this weird little pinprick of pain just behind your left shoulder. Three nights later, at precisely 2:43 in the morning (nonidea why, but it was 2:43, Inwill never forget that), you hear footsteps. Quick footsteps, small footsteps, coming toward wherever you happen to be, and then you're asleep. Then you wake up the next missing a limb or an organ, no signs of any injury or surgery or anything, just like it was never there to begin with (and obviously if itbwas a major organ then you never woke up again at all). There was a lot more detail, the dream was like living in some weird sci-fi horror movie, and it was so vivid that when I woke up from it I literally sat up and jerked away all my covers to make sure I still had all my limbs.

Tell us an embarrassing story.

Seventh grade. Close to the end of the school year. Was reading a book (I think it was The Shining), had one of my ankles crossed over my other knee, didn't realize I was somehow pinching a nerve. Had to stand up at end of class period, and one of my legs had gone completely numb. I stood, took one step, went down like a sack of bricks. The group of boys who used to bully me were all in the class and spent at least a month mocking the spectacle. Still think about that sometimes.

Explain an inside joke you have with a friend or family member.

Any time hubs and I go out together for any reason, one of us inevitably does Rick Sanchez voice "And awwwAAAAAyyy we gooo" before we leave the driveway. No idea how this started. No idea when it will end. I have a feeling we'll still be doing this into our 80s with no idea why.

Tell me your life story in exactly one sentence.

"Oh no, not again."

What is the strangest coincidence that ever happened to you?

Went to the beach when I was seventeen. Was sitting out on the boardwalk playing guitar by myself because toxic family members were doing nothing but argue and fight in our hotel room, I literally just walked out and no one noticed for hours. Was super peaceful. Got into a conversation with two strangers who had just met each other as well and were hanging out, two kind elderly men. As we were talking, I found out that one of them was from my very small hometown in New York and had moved to the beach recently; and the other was from the very small town I lived in at that present time in South Carolina, and had recently moved to the beach. Both of them had moved there at around the same time. I still think about that a lot.

What is your favorite random fact?

Pineapple eats you while you eat it.

What is your useless talent?

I can bend the top joint of all of my fingers without bending the second joint, a la Sith Force Lightning. Arguably it makes me better at music, but I've never had to bend my fingers like that playing guitar, so I disagree.

What is the strangest food combination you enjoy?

I literally have no idea. I'm a tremendous foodie and "strange" is relative when you're willing to eat literally anything put in front of you at least one time just to experience it.

What would you name your heavy metal band?

Plastic Peanutbutter

If you could choose one superpower, what would it be?

Invisibility, so people would like just leave me alone seriously I'm antisocial as shit just give me peace and quiet (not internet people, you guys are cool af)

What is your strangest irrational fear?

Gamma Ray Bursts. Do yourself a favor amd don't Google it. I spent literally two years of middle school fucking petrified of that shit. It still gets under my skin if I think about it too long now.

Describe your most eccentric family member.

It me! 😁 or maybe my niece, but she's basically my personality twin so either way.

Have you ever met a celebrity? Which celebrity would you like to meet?

Nope. But I really would love to have coffee with Stephen King and just talk about life. His On Writing memoir changed everything I thought about writing, taught me that imposter syndrome was a thing, and that even the most talented and successful artists have it. Really I just want to thank him.

What is the craziest thing you ever did on a dare?

Got a tattoo. It's a skeleton key, on the outer side of my right thigh. I have another, but I got that one on a dare. Basically just because why not, and I literally forget it's there sometimes and sort of jump when I notice it.

What is the grossest thing you would do for $100?

Probably eat something super weird. Will literally try anything once, food-wise. In fact I'll usually try it twice, just to be sure.

What songs are on the soundtrack to your life?

Don't ask me that, we'll be here all goddamned year. A few right off hand though are "Doesn't Remind Me" by Audioslave, "This Train Don't Stop There Anymore" by Elton John, "What it's Like" by Everlast, "Gone Away" by The Offspring, and "Vienna" by Billy Joel. I'm also unreasonably hyperfixated on The Fratellis right now because I suddenly remembered they existed a few months ago after more than ten years not hearing them at all and now I know almost their entire discography by heart. They're my feel-good band right now and pretty much all I'm listening to. Yes, there definitely is something wrong with me.

What actor would you choose to play you in your biopic?

Samuel L. Jackson. My life requires hefty use of the word "motherfucker." He might need a wig or two but I think he can handle it.

What is your go-to karaoke song?

I've never karaoked, but probably something from Chris Cornell, Ella Fitzgerald, Jewel, or Fleetwood Mac. Or "American Pie" by Don McLean.

If you were a superhero, who would be your archnemesis?

Probably myself rofl kinda don't like me very much

Create and describe an undercover alias.

Fancy black bowler hat, and a pair of those joke glasses with an attached giant nose and mustache. But like, be completely and totally serious about it, to the point that people are afraid to question you.

What is your most random impulse buy?

Death Note manga, complete box set. I was seventeen. I had money. Many years later and I do not regret it at all and it sits very close to my bedside.

What did you do as a teenager that makes you cringe now?

Let bullying bother me.

What would your warning label say?

"CONTENTS HIGHLY UNSTABLE, DO NOT TOUCH MIGHT TAKE OVER THE KNOWN UNIVERSE ON CONTACT or possibly cry hard to tell"

What is your guilty pleasure?

I don't think I have one. If it brings you happiness, don't waste your time being guilty about it. Just enjoy it and kick anyone who makes fun of you for it directly in the shin-bone. Actually don't do that just ignore them I'm not into violence.

What emoji do you use most often?

Combination of 🙄😒 to signify eyerolling.

Does your family practice any unusual practices?

Does emotional unavailability count asking for a friend

A genie grants you the ability to have infinite amounts of one item. What is it?

Guitar strings. Please. Dear sweet fuck PLEASE

What is your favorite joke?

A big moron and a little moron sit on a bridge. Which one falls off?

The big moron. Because the other one was a little more on.

Aaaaaahahaha

What is the best Halloween costume you ever wore?

Pirate. Always. I have so many clothes tucked in my closet and jewelry hidden away that are strictly there for the sole purpose of putting together an impromptu pirate costume it's honestly kind of sad honestly

What is the most awkward situation you ever found yourself in?

My very very religious mother-in-law noticing that I have a tattoo on my forearm...after SEVEN YEARS. Awkward af, but it was also hilarious.

What is the most ridiculous thing you believed as a child?

My older brother once told me when I was very young that vehicles move by rolling over and over end to end so fast that you don't know it's happening, and crashes happen when they hit a rock or a crack in the road the wrong way. I spent TWO YEARS secretly terrified of getting in a car before finally asking my mom about it and she just sort of sighed and said "oh god please stop listening to your brother"

What is the most outrageous lie you told a child?

I don't know Santa or something? I've got a ton of nieces and nephews. I try not to lie to kids, apart from letting them think magic exists for as long as possible, because everyone deserves to believe that.

What is the dumbest way you injured yourself?

Broke my pinky toe, because my dog got under my foot and I didn't want to step on her paw by accident so I jerked the wrong way

How do you waste time most often?

Probably napping. But given I have trouble sleeping at night that's sorta necessary or something I guess.

[toomanystars-jpg]

THIS IS A JOKE DON"T TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY YOU FREAKS

TW: jerma, cannabalism, murder

ok so i wrote a short fiction piece about jerma being a cannibal and i got some responses asking me to post it, so here we are. I would love nothing more than to laugh along with you all about how ridiculous this concept is, especially since he's made bits about it before. i'll tell you something super important: JERMA IS NOT A CANNIBAL AND THIS IS FICTION. THIS IS NOT REAL.

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The Confession of A Cannibal

Hello. My name is Jeremy. I’m a psycho, or that’s what people would call me if they read this. I’ve done things I’m not proud of. I ordered exotic meat online. I didn’t know what it was, but it tasted like nothing I had ever had before. It was like chicken, but richer in flavour. The warmth as I tore the meat from the ribs settled in my stomach as any warm meat would. It felt like I was always meant to consume this meat of unknown origin. I got hooked on it; it was amazing. I knew I needed more. The meat became my personal heroin; making me suffer from intense withdrawals that shook me, if not physically, certainly mentally. I couldn’t think straight without it. I never knew food cravings could be like this. Truly debilitating. In a moment of weakness I ordered more meat from the site. I wanted to confirm what I had been eating, to know what had its claws around my neck; and this time it was a solely human feature: an arm. 

The package came in, and low and behold, the arm had a hand, ligaments, tendons, bones, and joints; everything but skin. It was slimy, and hard to hold. The only thing I could think of was how good it would taste fresh out of the oven. I cut off the hand; it crunched under the pressure of my cleaver. The sharpness of the blade made the fileting easy. The blade glided across the bones, the meat slapped the bottom of my empty bowl. I seasoned the meat and stuck it in the oven. I was so excited that I sat on the floor in front of the oven while it cooked. The cold hardwood flooring under my palms and feet was not enough for me to come to my senses and forget the amazing taste of human meat. I loved it with all my heart, more than I had ever loved anything before. When it was thoroughly cooked, I cut the cooked bicep into sizable chunks and laid it out over rice. I poured the juices over it too. I stored the rest in containers and placed them in a stack in my nearly empty fridge. The meat was soft and juicy. The rice soaked in the oily juice was heavenly; what they would’ve served in heaven if I had anything to say about it. I was so enthralled that I invited a friend over to share it with me.

My friend arrived after a long day of work, and he was starving. I dumped some rice down onto the plate, gathered extra pieces of the arm that I hadn’t eaten, poured on the juices, and gave it to my friend. After that, I don’t remember anything. I must have black out, because everything is blank. The next thing I remember is kneeling over my dead friend, my pants soaked with his blood. There was a bullet hole in his forehead, and a pistol next to me. Then I had a brilliant thought: Human meat was good, but what could be better than the freshest it could possibly be?

I grabbed my friend and carried him back into the kitchen. His dead weight made me realize just how much delicious muscle my friend had on him. I struggled to lift him up onto the counter, his limp body making him increasingly harder to maneuver. I cut off his clothes, but kept his underwear on. I wasn’t about to rid him of his dignity, nor was I quite ready for the most exotic meat the human body had to offer. I cut off his legs first. Blood got everywhere. It spewed and sprayed from his stumps, filling the air with the smell of blood. It covered my floor, which infuriated me. His arms went next. Again, blood covered the counter and the floor, as his limp arms fell from his torso. I wanted his ribs. I grabbed a garbage bag and cut him open. I began dumping out organs until nothing remained but his empty torso. I don’t know why, but I started salivating. I cut below the ribs and took his head off. I threw the excess in the bag. I cut off his hands and feet, I skinned all the parts, I took the meat off the bones. It took three garbage bags, but all evidence of him was in garbage bags, ready for the garbage truck to take away my friend’s remains. I cut up all the pieces, seasoned the meat thoroughly, shoved most of it in my freezer, and put some in the oven. I cleaned up the blood while it cooked. Wonderfully delicious smells of my friend’s body filling my small home, and I wish it could’ve stayed in my nose forever.  By the time the meat was done cooking, my living room and kitchen was spotless. The smell was now mixed with chemicals, which ruined my appetite. There was nothing that could’ve meant he was here, other than the mountain of digital evidence against me. I’m scrawling this while in bed with a full stomach. I know people are going to be looking for him, but I have no regrets. I feel no remorse. He was delicious.

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hope you enjoyed my attempt at writing. if you're at all interested, i wrote this for school and i just wanted to write about jerma, and i remembered the "human meat in the fridge" meme. I'm honestly expecting some hate, because this is truly deranged. I read it out to my roommates and one of them was genuinely concerned for me. I feel like this should go unsaid, i am not a cannibal, i have though watched a lot of true crime so i know lots about the mindset of criminals, especially murderers (moidewers). i hope you have a wonderful day, stay safe, and you're welcome for making the most deranged thing you've read all day.

[allylikethecat]

I would absolutely love to read your take on number 21 and 29, Matty and George (obviously) 😍

Yay!! Thank you for sending in these wonderful prompts! I decided to fill them as two separate responses. I hope that's okay! As always, I am having so much fun with these!

I also want to put a disclaimer / warning on #21 just in case. I decided to project my own body image issues onto Fictional!Matty (sorry Fictional!Matty) so, proceed with caution if that is something that any of you lovely people find upsetting 😊

❤️Ally

21. Kiss ... on a place of insecurity.

Matty felt like the air had been sucked out of his lungs, he started sweating, panicking as he did another little shimmy hop, trying and failing to suck in his stomach. It was no use, there was still a good inch and a half between the button and the hole of his jeans, and no matter how he twisted, or contorted his body, he couldn’t get the pieces of fabric to overlap. Rationally, he knew he had gained weight over the last ten years. He had an arse now, a little bubble butt George liked to tease him while giving it a smack, but he hadn’t realized just how much weight he had gained.

The jeans he wore now,  the fabric clinging to his arse and thighs, unable to be buttoned, and digging into his sides had been too big for him when he left for rehab. His eyes welled with tears and he tried to blink them away. He knew he was being proper ridiculous. He was thirty four years old, he had gotten this particular pair of jeans when he was twenty four years old, a skeletal drug addicted child. Of course his body was going to change, of course they weren’t going to fit now. He took a deep breath. It just had never occurred to him he wouldn’t even be able to button them.

“Did you find what you were looking for?” George called, still sprawled out on the end of the bed, flipping through a music production magazine, right where Matty had left him. 

“Kinda,” Matty called back, wincing at the way his voice cracked. He turned to look at himself in the full length mirror, thankful for his bougie walk in closet, taking in the way the black fabric was stretched tight over the curve of his ass, the way the waistband dug into his sides giving him the appearance of love handles. The fans were going to be disappointed, he thought hysterically. 

He might claim to be off social media, but he had seen the tweets, he had seen the way they wanted him to wear “the jeans” and the Robbers shirt for Reading and Leeds. They were playing their debut album in full, they were using the old band logo to promote the appearance, the band’s social profiles were plastered with photos from that era. Though he tried to pretend otherwise, Matty knew he was a nostalgic fucker. Once he had seen the Tweet, he couldn’t get the idea out of his head. He wanted to wear the jeans and an old pair of Chelsea boots and while he might not have the Robbers shirt anymore, he still had an endless collection of slutty, gauzy, black button downs. 

He had lost the Robbers shirt ages ago. He was pretty sure he had actually thrown up on it in a parking lot in Arizona and George had left it on the curb, not wanting to bring it with them into the rental car as he tried to maneuver his semi conscious body into the vehicle. But he still had the jeans. They were in a plastic bin in the back of his walk in closet, packed away for safekeeping. It had felt weird to keep them, especially with the changing of times and the evolution of his personal style, but Matty hadn’t been able to bring himself to part with them, lugging them from Shoreditch to Hackney and now Queen’s Park. 

He wished he had donated them when he had the chance. He wished he hadn’t kept them. He wished he had lost the storage bin or left it at his mother’s house. He never would have made the trek up to Manchester for a pair of jeans. He would have ordered another pair online, in his current size, and he would have been none the wiser that the original pair no longer fit him. He wouldn’t be overcome with such an overwhelming wave of self consciousness. 

He still took his shirt off on stage, he still pranced  around with his shirt unbuttoned. Hell, half the time he was shirtless in his own home, they were having a heatwave in London and despite what he paid for his concrete sanctuary, the air was dodgy. His chest felt tight, and he wished he hadn’t left his phone on the bed next to George, tossed there when he announced he was going looking for the perfect outfit for Reading and Leeds. He needed to google what the fans were saying. He needed to check Twitter and Reddit, TikTok and Instagram and Tumblr, he needed to see if they had noticed. He was sure they had noticed, they noticed everything else about him. Of course they would have noticed that he gained weight. He just wondered why no one in his personal life had told him. He hadn’t even realized Patricia had been buying his trousers in a larger size until this particular moment. 

“Well aren’t you a sight for sore eyes,” George said, stepping into the closet and leaning against the door frame to give Matty a leer, taking in the juicy curve of his arse. Matty turned away from the mirror and instantly burst into tears, wrapping his arms around himself to hide his stomach and the way he wasn’t able to button the jeans.

“Whoa,” said George, rushing forward, “Whoa, what’s wrong?” 

“Don’t touch me, I’m disgusting,” Matty said with a hiccup and George took a step back, blinking at him in confusion. 

“What?” he asked, bewilderment coloring his voice.

“They don’t fit,��� he said, his voice small and wet as he looked up at George. 

“What doesn’t fit?” George asked, not following.

“My fucking jeans! The jeans! The ones the fans want me to wear! For Reading! Because we’re doing Self-Titled! They don’t fit anymore!” Matty said feeling hysterical. “I gained weight and now my fucking jeans don’t fit!”

“Matty,” said George softly, taking a step forward, to pull Matty into his arms. “Matty, love, those jeans are ten years old, I’d be worried if they did fit you still.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Matty asked, his voice muffled by George’s tee shirt, his tears staining the fabric with salt. 

“It means,” said George, pulling back to kiss Matty’s forehead. “That you were two stone underweight when you bought those jeans.” He pressed another kiss to Matty’s chest, in the center of his tattoo. “It means that I thought we were going to lose you in those jeans.” 

“Stop,” Said Matty, trying to squirm away, he didn’t want George to touch his stomach. He didn’t want George to look at it. 

“Nope,” said George, dropping to his knees to bring his lips lower. “It means that you’re healthy now, that you’re hot as fuck, and I can’t believe that out of all the beds in the world, you share one with me.” 

Matty flushed, cheeks and ears burning red as George kissed his stomach, licking along the waistband of the jeans where they were digging into his flesh, mouthing at the V between the two sides that wouldn’t button, nosing along the exposed waistband of his pants and nipping at his We are Kings tattoo. 

He hooked his thumbs into the belt loops and tugged, Matty wanted to die at the way they snagged over his arse, the stiff denim not wanting to yield to the curve, before they caught around his thighs. The discomfort and embarrassment killed the spark of arousal that George had been generating in his stomach. As if sensing that Matty wasn’t in the mood, was still feeling vulnerable, George rocked back onto his heels and looked up at Matty, his own arousal darkening his eyes. 

“I love you,” he said, before leaning forward again to bury his face against Matty’s stomach, and turning his head to kiss along the irritated, red indentation left on his side. Tentatively, Matty ran his fingers through George’s short buzzed hair. 

“I love you too,” he said softly.

29. Kiss…as a promise

It was raining. Because of course it was raining, they lived in London. It was always raining. But of course it was raining when Matty decided to show up on George’s doorstep, soaked to the bone, curls plastered to his forehead. Because despite being born and raised in the UK, despite having lived through more rainy days than sunny ones, Matty was always caught off guard by a rain shower. 

He was always surprised that it was raining. He would look up at the sky in confusion, the droplets sticking to his eye lashes like he couldn’t understand how the weather could possibly betray him in such a way. He had been sick constantly when they were children, always coming down with a cold after being caught in the rain.

It wasn’t that he didn’t own a rain jacket, it wasn’t that he didn’t own an umbrella or rain boots. He just never thought he would need it. He never thought to bring them. Despite his cloudy moods, it was always sunny in Matty’s mind. George wondered what his excuse was today, his justification. It had rained all night, and continued on into the morning. There was no way the rain was a surprise today. 

But it was only fitting then that it was raining now, that it was raining when he showed up on George’s doorstep like the hero out of a romance novel trying to win back the heroine. George wasn’t sure if he counted as a heroine. George wasn’t sure if wanted to be won back. (He wanted to be won back.) 

“What do you want, Matthew?” George asked, purposely keeping his voice flat and monotone, purposely not opening the door wide enough, purposely keeping Matty out in the cold rain, while he stood on the landing in a pair of basketball shorts and socks, the heat from his fireplace warming his back. 

He crossed his arms over his bare chest, watching Matty’s throat work as he swallowed hard, looking up at him from a few steps down. He blinked and shook his head, water dripped from his curls like a dog after a bath. George fought to keep from smiling at the mental image, it was like Matty as a naughty puppy having been caught chewing on his master’s shoe or having pissed on the carpet.

“Any time now,” George said again, he knew he was being an asshole, but he was getting a chill from the open door, and the water was inching closer to his socks. Everyone knew that wet socks were the worst feeling in the world. Matty was shivering, though he didn’t seem to be aware of the fact. The white button down he wore had gone translucent, showing off the distinct dark lines inked into his body. George could see his nipples dark pink and erect. He was sure to have been a sight to see on the tube ride. George wondered if he was here as Matty Healy, George’s oldest and closest friend, or Matty Healy the character on stage. 

George resisted the urge to tap his foot impatiently. If Matty was going to apologize, he needed to get it over with. Rolling his eyes, George went to shut the door, he wasn’t going to play this game anymore. He was tired, it was raining, he wanted to go back to his warm sitting room and continue watching Yellowstone. He was paying extra to stream it now that they were no longer in the states. 

“I’m sorry,” Matty said, his voice low and rough, something about his tone caused George to pause. 

“Excuse me?” he said, opening the door again. He had been waiting for an apology, but he hadn’t expected one.

Matty took a step forward, climbing the first step. “I’m sorry,” he said again as if he was testing the taste of the words on his tongue. “I’ve been a fucking twat and I’m sorry.” 

He ran his fingers through his curls, sending more water droplets flying as he took another step forward. There was only one brick step between them now. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry that I hurt you, I’m sorry that I embarrassed you, that I undermined everything that we stood for. I’m sorry that I’m so fucking selfish that I’m still standing here telling you I’m sorry because I love you more than I love breathing. I’m sorry that I put my foot in my mouth and I don’t think before I speak, and I make everything about me, and that I never learned how to take responsibility for my actions and-”

“Stop,” George said, running his own fingers through what little close cropped hair he had left, a nervous habit that he doubted he would ever break. “Please, just stop.” 

“But George-” Matty said, his voice taking on a breathless, desperate tone, he was crying George realized, he wondered if Matty had been crying the whole time. His saltwater tears mingled with the rain like the sky was crying with him. 

“Just stop.” said George, trying to make sense of the apology, trying to unravel it, trying to get to the bottom of it, trying to understand if that really was, what it was. He was stuck on the three words Matty had said, replaying in his mind like a scratched record on repeat. I love you. I love you. I love you. I’m sorry. I love you.

He stepped out of the doorway, down the step, so that he and Matty were now standing on even footing. It was still raining and his socks were getting wet. I love you.

“I love you too,” he said, surprising even himself with the way his voice cracked on the words. Matty looked up sharply, his eyes wide, like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“I love you too.” George said again, reaching forward tentatively to brush Matty’s soaking hair out of his eyes. 

For someone that was filled with too many words, for once Matty was speechless as George leaned down and gently pressed his lips warm to Matty’s cold ones. It was their first kiss. It felt like a promise.

[lemonhemlock]

I dont see Helaena cheating. I see her having feelings for Aemond both romantic and sexual in nature but I don't see her cheating. And IK people bring up the "so you don't want female characters to have agency and sexually fulfilled lives? So you think only men are allowed to cheat? So you think all people with autism are aroace robots with no interest in sex?" arguments and I believe some anti-helaemonds genuinely smack of that kind of thinking, but something it's simply: I just don't think Heleana is that kind of character from what we have gotten. Helaena not cheating doesn't mean all real woman cant ever cheat or all female characters cant ever cheat, its just in Helaena's case she does not. There are female characters who cheat, not as many as men, but they're there. I don't see why Helaena specifically not cheating would be such a big blow? Is it because of the autism? In that case the scarcity of autistic characters should be criticised IMO; we shouldn't need to make one autistic fill a niche by herself. Thats just sad tbh.

It's the only reason I don't believe anything happened between Helaemond on the show and will be very surprised if it has or will unless helaena does a 180, which IG could be a kinda fun angle - her becoming more like Aegon/a Dragon. But there's so much gonna be going on I don't know if we need this. I'm just a little sick of Aemond I guess.

Just to maybe drop a different perspective.

hey there, i want to take this opportunity to assure everyone that, with all my ranting, i'm not really a prescriptivist person, bent on shaping the way people interact with their chosen piece of media :)

so, if that's your interpretation of helaena's character, that's completely fine in my book, and you are entitled to your headcanons. don't get me wrong here, i'm not trying to police the way people consume fiction or how they like to play in their own sandboxes, lord knows there is enough room for all of us under the sun. so, if you think that she wouldn't cheat for various reasons, i'm not here to contradict your view specifically and tell you you're wrong. our opposing opinions can co-exist just fine in the space-time continuum. :))

personally speaking, i interpret their social & familial roles breaking down so much within this cycle of generational inbreeding that whatever this is doesn't even register as cheating anymore since the regular boundaries start bleeding into one another. but that's bc that's what i find a really cool idea to explore, others can and should come up with their own takes

i only take issue with a certain type of moral framework that excludes all other possible interpretations bc it doesn't fall within whatever the circulated papal bull stipulates at the moment. especially when it's over really silly stuff like this. meaning to say that other people are not stupid or badly-intentioned or sinister or secret team black sleeper agents :)) for enjoying alternative possibilities. and, i have to say, it does feel really kind of rotten when you hear how other greens talk about helaemonds like they carry the plague, bc i think there are some really lovely people in this little internet niche that could contribute in a lot of positive ways to the fandom.

i, for one, can't control how people choose to judge me for not shutting up about this (lmao this really unintentionally feels like coming out, which is absolutely ridiculous, touch-grass-levels), but i'd think it rather childish if 1. i felt force to go underground and lie about it so people wouldn't blacklist me for this dumb reason and 2. i couldn't really engage in other ways bc people formed this unfair opinion that i'm some tainted radioactive waste. i write a lot of meta on a lot on topics and i enjoy talking to a wide range of people, which is why i rarely even block, so, that's just a personal disappointment i would have as a fandom navigator.

at the end of the day, it's.... you know, whatever, as far as i'm concerned, because i have a big mouth anyway and i don't really shut up IRL either, so, in that regard i had to already teflonize myself. but i feel like a lot of users are held back from participating and being more active for fear of judgment, which is just a damn shame, as the toxic voices always tend to drown out the ones who would really help turn this place into a more pleasant experience for everyone

so, what can i say, i'm a big softie, y'all