#fic: how to jeopardise your friendship with remus lupin

[amberlink]

Jeopardise, Chapter 35: Regulus is Kind of Funny

[moonheavens]

moonheavens' (wolfstar) fic recs, Nov 24

hello! since my last list of fic recs is now over a year old (Aug 23), I figured it's about time for a new one, especially on the back of the recent discourse about shouting about work you love, which I'm always happy to do.

so without further ado, here are some fics I have "recently" read and loved and whose praises I'd like to sing, very loudly. please do note this only includes wolfstar or multi-ship Marauders fics.

authors, if you want to be untagged, have your fic removed or have the one line summary changed, just message me.

all recs with ao3 links below the break <3

WIPs

All's Fair in Love and Trivia, by @cancerravenclaw ~75k, Explicit, Muggle. exes to lovers years after a huge, painful break-up. I've been eating this up with a spoon and re-read multiple times so far, it's soooo good. really hot ex-sex, yet also handles the complex emotions beautifully, and I love the group dynamics.

The Labyrinth, by QuillNib ~45k, Explicit (check tags), AU. Sirius is forced to sign a contract with an A/B/O breeding facility. really interesting take on omegaverse dynamics, very handmaid's tale vibes. great writing and plot, and keeps you on your toes constantly.

How To Jeopardise Your Friendship With Remus Lupin, by @amberlink ~200k, Teen, Hogwarts. everything you could ever want from a Hogwarts-era best friends to lovers fic. beautifully written, amazing characterisations and also just super funny and sweet. I love this Remus dearly, and this is one of those fics where you drop everything else when the update email comes in.

A Song for the End of the World, by @wannabelilybriscoe ~200k, Mature (check tags), AU. zombie apocalypse wolfstar!! amazing plot so far that really keeps you guessing, with great links to canon yet entirely fresh and inventive. wonderful friendship dynamics and writing, and I would die for this Sirius (but also lowkey steal his man).

Shorter finished works (<30k)

back to the old house, by @saintlupin 20k, Explicit, First War. Sirius, Regulus and Remus get stuck in grimmauld place and have to deal with the tension between them. absolutely beautiful, and painful in all the best ways like only saintlupin can achieve.

Sirius Black and the "mystery girl", by Anonymous 30k, Teen, Hogwarts. the marauders try to guess who Sirius is mysteriously dating. this one is so much fun, really light-hearted and joyful and a great twist with the Lily POV.

What I Heard, by fishcommuter / @fishpilgrim 28k, Explicit, Hogwarts. definition of idiots to lovers; wolfstar acting like a couple and having to be told they're basically dating. light-hearted, sweet, and a lot of fun.

The Barista, the Burglar, and the Sofa, by orphan_account 21k, Explicit, Muggle. summary reads "the story of how Sirius tries to seduce a man by slowly furnishing his flat" and.. that totally checks out. absolutely hilarious and very sweet, and I too would fold if Sirius Black bought me a bookshelf.

Wishes on Stars, by Quietlemonhush and @theresthesnitch 19k, Explicit, AU. Remus makes a wish upon a star and gains a friend. without spoiling too much, this one is a wonderful journey - so sweet, so beautiful, so poetic, so heart-warming.

A Good League Hence, by @eyra 15k, Teen, Muggle. a country hotel in the wintertime. I could put eyra's entire bibliography here as they're incredible, but this is one of my favs. sweet christmas fluff with animals and eyra's ever-incredible writing, just perfect.

June: or how Sirius finally figured himself out, by MarigoldWritesThings / @marigold-hills 15k, Explicit, Hogwarts. does what the title suggests, and wonderfully so. I adore this version of pining yet oblivious Sirius, and the writing here is stunning. tender and heart-warming.

Just a Little Bit of Magic, by @cancerravenclaw 25k, Explicit, Muggle. music journalist Remus falls in love at first sight with model Sirius at a club. flirting ensues. one of my favourites ever - sensual, delicious, beautifully written. the kind of fic I'm grateful exists, and secretly wish I could write.

Tear My Chest Open, by @puuvillaa 22k, Explicit (check tags), Post-Hogwarts. Remus never goes to Hogwarts and meets Sirius, who is taken, in a writing class. complicated feelings ensue. this one was painful, but beautiful. a beautiful expression of care and tenderness.

nothing sweeter than my baby, by damagecontrol 7k, Explicit, Muggle. wolfstar dads on a date night at a Hozier concert, except it's mostly sex. ridiculously hot and sexy, yet sweet and fun. one of my favs if I want something nsfw.

Match Point, by @billspaid 14k, General, Muggle. wolfstar as husbands who are both tennis players, inspired by Challengers. exactly what you want from it; ridiculously fun. competitive yet sweet as they go head-to-head. a blast.

lunch poems, by aeridi0nis / @steelycunt 5k, General, Muggle. tourist Sirius bothers bookstore employee Remus into adoration. aeridi0nis and their gorgeous gorgeous writing never disappoints and this was so much fun. swotty Remus my beloved.

Three Card Monte, by @enjambament 14k, Teen, Muggle. I love heist AU's and this is one of the best ones out there. tensive and exciting the whole way through, and this wolfstar... I want what those bitches have.

The Right Reason, by softsilkentofu 11k, Explicit, Post-Hogwarts. wolfstar get married (as friends) to evade anti-werewolf laws. incredibly funny and heart-warming, with great writing, and a fun twist on fake dating.

Longer finished works (30k+)

Dunes and Waters, by MarigoldWritesThings / @marigold-hills 36k, Explicit, AU. curse breaker/convict Sirius is forced to work with ancient Egypt researcher Remus on a riddle. I loved the mythology aspects of this and the twist on canon, and it was beautifully written.

The Road to Sweetwater, by @euripidestrousers 57k, Explicit, AU. Wild West AU, with outlaw Sirius and bounty hunter Remus. I've been yelling about this one a lot recently - one of my all time favs, beautifully written and so brilliant. I'll be coming back to it for a long time.

The Spy Who Loved Him, by OptimisticDinosaur / @mostlyoptimisticdinosaur 35k, Explicit, AU. James Bond AU, with spy Sirius and 'man in the chair' Remus. intensely exciting and tensive, and so much fun. I really had a great time with this one.

an endless sky of honey, by @colgatebluemintygel 35k, Mature, AU. Greek mythology inspired; Sirius is a God, Remus is a mortal. that's all I'll say, you gotta go into this pretty blind, but it's just. incredible. toothpaste never misses and this one is really special.

through the gaps of sunlight, by grumposaur / @pancakehouse 48k, Explicit, AU. victorian era exes to lovers wolfstar with aristocrat Sirius... this one was so much fun, the yearning! the pining! the longing glances! I ate that shit up with a spoon.

The Waste Land, by afieryfox / @a-fiery-fox 51k, Mature, AU. Remus is a resistance fighter for the Order; Sirius joins the fight. brilliant wartime-wolfstar characterisation and a really tense and engaging plot, plus amazing writing. one of my favs of 2024.

love finds a way, by @littleoldrachel 60k, Mature, AU. Jurassic Park exes to lovers... who doesn't love dinos? Rachel always delivers with her writing and characterisations, and I'm obsessed with these nerdy, mopey versions of R & S.

Lie to Me (Another Secret), by Whoops_e 151k, Explicit, Hogwarts. Sirius is expelled from Beauxbatons and joins Hogwarts late. beautiful fic with a focus on mental health, with amazing dialogue and super tender wolfstar (one of my favs). the bathroom scene in ch40 is everything to me.

back when we were dinosaurs, by epicblueblanket / @kaaaaaaarf 37k, Explicit, Muggle. Remus and Sirius meet at their workplace, a museum in Toronto. paleontology!!! nerd Remus!!! sexy Sirius!! this has everything you want, just a perfect fic in every way.

Bonus recs that you've probably already read, and if you haven't you absolutely 100% should

Harry Potter and the Dog and the Wolf (series), by thewholeofthemoon ~605k overall, Mature. a retelling of canon (starting from POA) but with Peter captured and Wolfstar taking care of Harry, aka how we all wish canon had been. beautifully written and super original take on the story. it's long, but it's worth it for the wolfstar alone.

Hey, Sharpshooter, by @tortoisebore 200k, Explicit, Muggle. college, basketball player Remus meets figure skater Sirius. recently finished, and I couldn't not include it as this is in my top 5 most re-read and loved fics ever. it makes me want to pull out my teeth one by one (affectionately). they're engraved in my memory at this point.

on another ocean, by @colgatebluemintygel (WIP) ~133k, Explicit, Muggle. recently dumped Sirius drags Remus on a holiday across through Europe. if you haven't read this, please, please do. it's literally my favourite thing in the entire world. like, no competition. I would sacrifice my firstborn for this fic, and like, raze the city of Troy for this fic (my Helen).

Chimaera & The Wolf (series), by lostmy_keys / @lostmykeysie 337k, Mature, First War. Regulus and Remus work together to find the horcruxes. this one is popular, and for good reason; I devoured this, one of my favourite things I've ever read in my life. so exciting and tense, and the wolfstar is everything to me.

and if after all of these you’re still looking for more, may I humbly inform you I’m also a wolfstar writer myself—you can find my fics on my ao3.

and that's all, folks. this is just a small selection, I have read dozens more so if you want more you know where to find me. love always, Ames <3

[amberlink]

Scrapped chapter from How To Jeopardise Your Friendship With Remus Lupin!

This chapter was the original chapter 15 (now called Marlene Makes a Very Nice Sign). The deleted section starts after Remus, James, and Sirius come inside the castle after playing in the snow.

Original chapter name: A Minor Marijuana Mishap

Original chapter notes: This chapter has the vibe of a sitcom episode (their behaviour is extra fictional lmao, and there is more humour than there is actual contribution to the plot) (<- this is why I scrapped it. It's ridiculous.)

If I had actually gone through with posting this, it would’ve undergone far more editing and revising, so this is a pretty raw version.

CW for unintentional drug use (they accidentally ingest marijuana - no one is purposely drugged)

Word count: 5,161

They made their way back into the castle, stopping for a quick breakfast before heading back up to the dorm to change and shower.

The girls were awake, and all three of them looked up from where they were gathered around the fireplace as Remus, James, and Sirius stepped through the portrait hole. Peter was sitting with them, too.

Marlene raised her hand, holding something round, crumbs falling. “You guys want some?”

“What is it?” James asked, already heading over.

“They’re biscuits,” Marlene said, breaking off a piece of it and popping it in her mouth. “My brother’s friend gave him a bunch of containers of ‘em, and he gave me one to bring to school.”

“They’re magnificent,” Mary confirmed, nodding as she took a bite of her own. They were all picking them out of a square tin dish.

“They really are,” Peter said. "And they're chocolate, Moony."

“I’ll have some,” James said, accepting one from Marlene.

“You’re eating these for breakfast?” Remus asked, raising an eyebrow at them. “Lily, you’re eating these for breakfast?”

Lily threw her free hand out in defence. “What, like there are rules!”

“Evans is right, there are no rules,” Sirius said, taking the open seat next to Peter on the double-person chair.

“Okay,” Remus said, because he didn’t care enough to argue. Everyone would just have to deal with James and Sirius hyped up on sugar during Potions. “I’m gonna go have a shower, then.”

“You’re missing out,” Mary sang after him.

“Maybe next time,” he said over his shoulder.

He showered, meaning to be quick but definitely standing under the hot water for longer than usual, not thinking about anything. Not thinking about Sirius in the snow underneath him, or his thumbs pressing through Remus’s coat. 

Remus turned the water cold.

He got out, scrunching his hair with the towel. It was longer than he had ever had it before, so he had to actually put in an effort to care for it, not wanting it to look too matted or frizzy. He stole James and Sirius’s hair products and massaged them into his scalp, not sure what any of them did.

His friends still weren’t here, but sometimes they didn’t shower between exercising and class— no matter how much Remus encouraged that they did. But he supposed they had only played in the snow, so they really just had to dry off and change.

Remus got dressed in his robes, and he was searching for his tie at the bottom of his wardrobe when there was a knock at the door. He found his tie, straightening and starting to put it on.

“You can come in,” he said, confused because his friends never knocked. “You two better hurry, you’re gonna be late for class. Especially Sirius.”

Whoever it was knocked again, slower this time.

“Hello?” Remus said, staring at the door. He finished tying his tie as he walked over to open it. “What are you—”

“Moony got the door open,” Sirius said, smiling up at him. “He’s so smart.”

Remus raised his eyebrows. “What is wrong with you?”

James suddenly gripped Remus’s shoulder, pulling him close and poorly whispering, “Moony. Moons. Can I call you Remus?”

“...Sure.”

“Moony, there might possibly be a…” He lowered his voice even further, tugging Remus so that their foreheads were almost touching. “Situation.”

“What the hell are you talking—”

Then he smelled it.

“Oh my god,” said Remus, his eyes wide. “Are you guys high?!”

“No!” James said, sounding terribly offended.

Sirius burst into a fit of giggles, nearly falling over.

“Oh my god,” he repeated. He grabbed each of their arms and dragged them into the room, kicking the door shut after them. “What the hell were you thinking, getting high before class? Are you bunking off, then? It’s the first bloody day.” 

He sat them both on Sirius’s bed. Sirius fell to lay on his back and James looked like he might cry.

“Where’d you put the joint?” he asked, annoyed. “How much did you smoke?”

“No, Moony, we didn’t,” James said, pleading with him. “We swear.”

Sirius sat back up. “I remember what I was going to say,” he announced.

“What, Sirius?”

Sirius stared at Remus’s tie in thought, his eyes unfocussed. “I forgot again.”

There was another knock on the door. Remus pointed a finger at the boys to tell them to stay, then turned to go answer it.

It was Lily this time, holding the tin biscuit container that only had crumbs in it now. Her lips were pressed together so tightly that they were turning white.

“Lily?”

“We ate them all,” she whispered, horrified.

“I see that,” Remus said. “What’s wrong? Do you not feel well, because maybe that’s why people don’t eat chocolate biscuits for breakfast.”

“There are so. Many. Stairs,” Marlene panted as she came into view, and she wiped her eyebrow even though she wasn’t sweating at all.

Remus stared at her. “Okay, what the fuck is going on?”

Marlene leaned in the doorway, reaching a hand over Lily’s head to grip the frame. “Hey, Lupin,” she said, smiling at him. “You’re gorgeous, you know that?”

“Hey!” Sirius shouted from inside.

“You’re gorgeous, too, Sirius,” James assured him.

“Did you all get high?” Remus asked, swivelling his head between them in disbelief.

Marlene tapped her finger on the empty bottom of the tin box in Lily’s hand. “I think— I think,” she said, tapping it again, “that my most dearest, most idiot brother gave me the wrong box of biscuits.”

“Situation,” James echoed.

Remus’s mouth hung open, then he snatched the container from Lily’s hand, lifting it up to smell the inside of it. It took him a second, then he got a hint of the earthy scent of marijuana.

“Do you have a super nose?” Marlene asked.

Remus looked at her, and he reached a hand up to pull at his damp hair as his stress multiplied. This problem just became so much bigger. 

He tossed the box on the floor of their dorm. “Okay,” he said. “Both of you get in here.”

Lily was shaking her head, her hands covering her face. “Remus, we have class. We have Potions class.”

“I know, I need a second to think.”

“I hate when people think, I get so bored,” complained James.

“This is the worst,” groaned Sirius. “All you ever do is think, think, think. And how often do you think about me? I bet it’s never!” 

“Black, shut up,” snapped Marlene. “No more talking!”

“Hey, don’t talk to my friend Sirius like that!” said James.

Remus was ignoring them. He coaxed Lily into the room, and he led her to Peter’s bed. “Sit,” he commanded, pushing her shoulders down.

“McKinnon, get your shoes off of Moony’s bed!” Sirius began shouting. “He doesn’t like shoes on his bed!”

“Sirius, shh,” Remus said. “It’s fine for right now.”

“Her shoes are your bed,” he tattled, pointing at where Marlene was laying on her side on his bed.

“Marlene,” Remus said, grabbing her shoulder to make her roll on her back. He hovered over her, trying to keep her attention. “Do you know how much weed was in the biscuits? Did they have anything else in them?”

She blinked at him slowly. “Your guess is as good as mine, Lupey.”

“How many did you eat?” He straightened to address the rest of them. “How many did all of you eat— Where are Peter and Mary?”

“I don’t know,” James said proudly. 

“You don’t know what? How many biscuits you ate or where Peter and Mary are?”

James’s face screwed up in concentration, squinting at Remus behind his glasses. “Er, yes?”

“I had two,” Lily piped up. “Or three, or four. One of those.”

“Mary’s from Liverpool,” added Marlene.

“Alright, no one move,” Remus said, gesturing to everyone. “I’m gonna go get Peter and Mary. Then we’ll figure out what the hell to do.”

“‘What the hell to do,’” mocked Marlene, making her voice hoarse and scratchy.

Remus sighed frustratedly, and he hurried from the dorm, hoping to find Mary and Peter civilly sitting on the sofa. He came into the Common Room to find that they were definitely not doing that.

Mary was on her hands and knees at the top of the stairs to the girls’ dorm, giggling loudly as Peter tried to climb up to get to her. He took a running start towards the staircase, sprinting up the first few steps, then the whole thing turned into a chute and Peter fell forward, sliding down on his stomach until he reached the bottom again. He was also laughing hysterically.

Remus weaved through the people that were leaving the Common Room to go to their first class, and he wrapped his hand around Peter’s arm before he could have another attempt at the stairs.

“Pete, hey.”

Peter looked at him for a long second. “Ouch, Moony,” he said.

Remus let go. “Oh, fuck, sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Peter took off running again now that he was free. He leaped up a few stairs, scaling them quickly and almost making it to the top that time.

“I was so close!” he said triumphantly, sitting on the floor a few seconds later.

Mary pumped a fist in the air. “So close!”

“Alright, guys, enough,” Remus said, walking forward again.

“I am not a guy,” Mary said seriously. 

“One more try,” Peter said.

“No, do you want another biscuit?”

“Oh my god, those biscuits were so good,” Mary said, coming down the steps to join them.

Remus waved them on. “Well, I found more in the boys’ dorm, so let’s go.”

When he finally managed to get Mary and Peter to the dorm—practically dragging Peter up the stairs because he was convinced they were going to turn into a slide—he found that Lily was missing.

“Oh for Christ’s sake, where did Lily go?” he asked the rest of them. He directed Peter towards his own bed, and Mary towards James’s, and instructed them to close their eyes and rest if they wanted another cookie.

“I’m not tired,” Mary said, looking at him like he was an idiot.

“Then just pretend,” Remus said.

He checked the bathroom, coming up Lily-less, and asked where she was once again.

“I don’t know,” Sirius said. “But we listened, Moony. We didn’t move one time. Look at Prongs, even.”

Remus looked at James, who was sitting with his mouth half open and his hand held mid-itch at his jaw, frozen in place. 

“Prongs, you can move. Just stay sitting.”

James let out a dramatic exhale, dropping his arm. “Thanks, Moony.”

“Marlene, did you see where Lily went?”

“I had my eyes closed,” she said, laying on her back on Remus’s bed with her eyes still closed. She had her arms crossed over her chest like she was in a coffin.

“Okay, well, did she say where she went?” Remus asked, exasperated.

“Yeah. She went to class.”

Remus tipped his head back with a silent groan. “Okay,” he said. “We’re already going to be late, but we can’t all skip class, or Slughorn will notice something’s up.”

“Oh, no,” whispered Peter. “We’ll get in so much trouble.”

“Not you, Pete,” Remus said. “You and Mary don’t take Potions, so you can sleep until lunch.” He closed the curtains around Peter’s bed, shutting him inside. “Goodnight.”

“Gracias a Merlin,” Peter said sleepily.

“Lily’s already on her way,” Remus continued, thinking aloud. “So she’ll be there…probably. And I’ll have to go, and… Marlene, you come too. James and Sirius can stay.”

All three of them groaned loudly about this plan.

“We can go, Moony. We’ll be good,” Sirius promised. 

“Snivellus is going to ruin our potion,” James said grumpily.

“No, you won’t,” Remus told Sirius, “and no, he won’t,” he told James.

“That was so confusing,” Marlene whined, sitting up and scrubbing her face.

“I’m not even talking to you,” Remus said. “But, c’mon, get up. Meadowes will hopefully take control of your table.”

Marlene scoffed, her expression darkening. “Ugh, Meadowes.”

“Probably shouldn’t have brought that up,” Remus muttered under his breath, looping his arm through Marlene’s.

“Stupid Meadowes, and her stupid smooth skin, and her stupid eyelashes, and her stupid mouth,” Marlene continued grumbling.

“I get it, you think she’s stupid,” he said.

He stopped on his way to the door, turning to James and Sirius. “Listen, you two just hang out here. Take a nap, okay? I’ll be back after class, and… Why don’t you give me your wands?” he added, having a sudden vision of returning to their dorm in flames.

He collected James and Sirius’s wands, putting them in his robe pocket with his own, took his school bag from beside his bed, and then grabbed Marlene’s wrist to pull her the whole way to the dungeons. He was rushing, not wanting to be more than a minute or two late. The less attention on Marlene, the better. He wondered how Lily was managing, if she had even made it to the classroom.

Thankfully, Slughorn hadn’t started lecturing yet when Remus and Marlene walked in, and he was still bustling around the storage room behind his desk. Remus was out of breath, and he steered Marlene towards her table in the back.

“Go and take your seat,” he whispered. “Don’t bring any attention to yourself. Let Meadowes handle anything involving a knife.”

“Get off me,” Marlene said, shaking her arm free of his hand. “I’m fine.”

Remus watched nervously as she took careful steps to her table, walking around Dorcas and pulling out her stool so that it scraped loudly on the floor. She gave him a smug look as she sat down, silently saying, ‘See?’

Remus rolled his eyes, and he accidentally caught Meadowes looking at him. Her dark eyes were intimidating, studying him, and she didn’t care to break eye contact. Remus cleared his throat awkwardly, raised a hand in a sort of half-wave, then spun around to go to his own table.

Lily was here, sitting alone at her and Sirius’s table in front of Marlene and Dorcas. She had her elbows on the surface and her hands bunching up her hair on either side of her head.

Remus placed a hand on her back. “Hey, you alright?”

She dropped her hands and looked up at him with wide eyes, her hair frizzy where she had been holding it. “I need help. Please help me.”

“What’s wrong?” he asked, his heart skipping a beat. He didn’t know what else had been in those biscuits.

“My hair’s not working,” she said, grabbing a handful and shaking it frustratedly. 

“Oh,” he breathed out.

“I can’t pull it back, my hair bobble doesn’t work,” she went on, her voice wavering. “It’s in the rules. My hair has to be pulled back for Potions class. It’s in the rules.”

“Okay, it’s okay.”

“It’s in the rules!” she insisted.

“Shh. Okay.” Remus looked around her stuff scattered on the table. “Where’s your hair bobble at? I’ll help you.”

Lily raised one of her arms, shaking it so her robe sleeve fell and revealed the black band around her wrist.

Remus took the band and slid it over her hand, then tried his best to gather Lily’s long hair at the back of her head. He had no idea how to do this.

“What is going on?” asked Snape, moving from his table across the aisle to the end of Lily’s. He looked at Remus, eyes full of loathing, then looked back to Lily with concern. “Lily, are you okay?”

“Yes!” Lily said. “I’m okay. Remus is just helping me. He’s really nice.”

Snape did not look convinced.

“He’s much nicer than you,” she continued matter-of-factly. “He’s never called me a mudblood.”

The blood drained from Snape’s face. “Lily…”

Remus fought a smile, tying Lily’s hair in a knot at the base of her neck. They were probably going to have to cut the band to get her out of it.

“Lily,” whispered Snape, looking around. “I’ve apologised for that. You know I didn’t mean it.”

“Apology rejected,” Lily said. She held a finger up at him, waving it back and forth. “Black told me what you say about mudbloods like me.”

“How the hell would Black know anything?” hissed Snape. “And you’re different, I’ve told you—”

“Snape,” warned Remus, staring him down. “Back off.”

Snape clenched his jaw angrily, ready to retort, but Remus walked towards him and the boy took a few quick steps back, bumping into the end of his own table. Remus just calmly went around Lily’s table, heading to his and Margot’s in the front.

“You’re late,” Margot stated, looking at him.

“There was an emergency,” he said. He started to unpack his books and parchment from the bag around his shoulder.

“Lily Evans is acting weird,” Margot said, turning to look at the girl in question. “Why were you pulling up her hair?”

“She’s, er, not feeling herself. She was having trouble.”

Margot looked up at him, raising her eyebrows a bit. “You did a terrible job.”

Remus laughed. “Yeah, I know.”

“Alright, class,” said Slughorn, finally emerging from the storage room with two giant jars, one in each arm. “Sorry for the delay.” He set them on his desk, then brushed his hands on his chest. “Let’s get started.”

Slughorn announced the plan for today’s class, explaining that they were going to be learning the proper technique for dissecting the eyes of carnivorous cows. They’d need one removed lens for the specific potion they were going to start on Friday, but both students at each table should dissect their own cow eye for practice. There were detailed instructions to follow in their textbook.

“Yes, Miss McKinnon?” Slughorn said.

“What?”

Remus winced, turning around to see Marlene blinking at Slughorn in confusion. Her hand was in the air.

“Did you have a question?” clarified Slughorn.

“Oh… Yes!” she said, nodding as she lowered her hand. “I seem to have forgotten my textbook.” She patted the surface in front of her, which was empty of any books, parchment, or quills. She frowned. “I seem to have forgotten everything, actually.”

“Well, that’ll be five points from Gryffindor for unpreparedness,” Slughorn said, unphased. “You’ll have to share with Miss Meadowes.”

“Bleh,” said Marlene, summarising her feelings about that.

Slughorn started to travel around the classroom, going to each student to pass out a metal pan and scoop an eye from one of the jars. He started at the table across the aisle from Remus and Margot’s, heading towards the back of that row.

“Psst, Remus. Remus!”

Remus turned around to look at Lily, who was leaning across her table. Pieces of her hair stuck out in arcs on her head, and her eyes were frantic as she very poorly whispered to him.

“Remus!”

“What?” he whispered back.

“Remus, I’ve never been high in Potions class before,” she said, picking desperately at her fingernails.

He shook his head at her, leaning closer. “Have you ever been high before?”

“No! Remus, I’ve never been high before! I’m so nervous!”

“Lily, you are talking so loud right now.”

“Sorry,” she squeaked, pressing a hand over her mouth.

Then the door slammed open.

James and Sirius were standing in the doorway of the classroom, beaming with pride. Remus smacked a palm to his forehead, then dragged his hand down his face, looking at his friends between his fingers.

“Boys,” Slughorn said. “You’re late.”

“Or are we early for next class?” Sirius said, pleased with himself.

“You’re late,” Slughorn repeated. “And neither of you are in your robes. Ten points from Gryffindor.”

“Ah, bollocks,” James said, looking down at his muggle hoodie and joggers like he just realised he was wearing them.

Slughorn gestured. “Please take your seats. Any more disruptions and that’ll be points off your dissection. Seek help from your table partners for today’s assignment.”

“Oh là là, Evans,” Sirius said, grimacing as he approached his table. “What happened to your hair?”

“Why? What’s wrong with it?” she said worriedly. “It wasn’t working before.”

“I think it looks good,” James told her, rapping his knuckles on their table as he passed. “Evans, you’re like a fire princess.”

“He’s lying,” whispered Sirius. “It looks bad.”

“You’re like a phoenix,” James continued. “But one that’s a human. You're like an angel with no wings.”

Lily frowned. "So like a person?"

“Prongs,” Sirius hissed. “You have a girlfriend.”

“Yeah, Ronnie!” James said excitedly, nodding. “Her eyes are like if emeralds were bright blue.”

“What are you two doing here?” Remus asked through gritted teeth. “Are you trying to kill me?”

James looked at him, eyebrows arched, his voice genuine. “No, Moony. We would never want to kill you.” He grabbed Remus’s arm and looked him in the eye. “We love you, you have to believe us.”

“Yeah, Moony,” agreed Sirius. “If we wanted to kill you, it’d be so easy. We sleep in the same room.”

James made a clawing gesture at his neck. “And Padfoot’s teeth could just rip your throat—”

“Stop!” Remus said, frantically waving his hand. He pointed James towards his table. “Go sit down! Please don’t say anything else. To anyone. Ever.”

Sirius started giggling, and Lily started giggling because Sirius started giggling, and Remus was sure that none of them were going to make it through this class.

“Great, you’re here,” Snape drawled, bowed over his cow eye as James shuffled to his place beside him. “Thought maybe your big head finally got stuck in one of the doorways.”

“You…” James said, and he took a second to look Snape over, “might be the meanest person in the whole world.”

“Potter,” scolded Remus. James had been doing really well ignoring all of Snape’s jabs until this moment.

“What?” James threw his hands out. “He is! He was mean to you, Moony, and you’re, like, as threatening as a… a…”

“Earthworm,” finished Sirius.

Snape scoffed. “I would say that there’s a much more obvious animal that Lupin compares to in threat.”

James whirled around to face him. “Don’t you remember when I punched you?”

“An earthworm,” Lily corrected.

Remus pressed his hands together, like in prayer. “James, James, just— Let’s calm down. Look at your cow eye, stay on task.”

“It’s disgusting,” James said, poking at the gooey pile with one of the tools. “Kinda looks like you, Snivellus.”

“Oh my god, what is that thing?” Marlene’s voice rang out, repulsed.

“It’s…your cow eye, Miss McKinnon,” Slughorn said, scooping a second eye onto the metal pan in front of Dorcas.

They still had two hours left of class. This was not good.

Lily and Sirius managed to keep it together while Slughorn gave them their pans and eyes, with only one incident of Sirius saying, “Thank you, my good sir!” 

Remus was so distracted worrying about the others that he was working at half the pace of Margot beside him. He kept turning around to check that they were still poking and slicing at their cow eyes without cutting their fingers off or threatening their table partners. He froze when he saw Marlene tap Dorcas’s arm with the end of her scalpel, but she was only trying to get her attention.

Which was not a better situation.

“Meadowes,” she said, jabbing her with the tool. “Meadowes, look at me.”

Dorcas huffed and spun towards her, looking so furious that Remus would have disintegrated if he were Marlene.

“Slytherin versus Ravenclaw,” Marlene said slowly, signing clumsily as she audibly drew out the words, her hands bobbing up and down a lot more than when Pandora or Regulus did it. “Two weeks. You are going to lose.”

“Tell her, McKinnon!” James said supportively. 

Remus watched tensely, waiting for Dorcas’s reaction, but Dorcas only looked disarmed. Her lips were parted as she watched Marlene sign, her hardened expression broken with shock.

Then Marlene went on, signing something else slowly, mouthing silent words as she concentrated. 

Dorcas’s jaw locked again, her dark eyes flashing. She picked up her little knife, and Remus really thought she was going to slice off Marlene’s face or something. But she just stabbed it through the middle of Marlene’s cow eye, destroying the lens she was supposed to remove.

“Bitch,” Marlene said. Remus was sure Dorcas could read that word. It was enunciated perfectly.

Dorcas pulled the knife free, wiped it clean on Marlene’s robe sleeve faster than Marlene could react, and went back to her dissection.

“Uh oh,” said Sirius, turning back around to smile at Remus. 

Remus was about to smile back at him, but then he saw Lily. She was extra focussed on her cow eye, staring at it closely and hovering over it with the scalpel. Her elbow rested on the table and she pressed her other hand to her forehead.

 “Lily?” Remus asked cautiously. “Is everything okay?”

“So ironic,” she mumbled.

“What is?”

“That my eye is having so much trouble seeing this eye.” She squeezed her eyes shut. “Why did no one say that the earth was going to spin so fast today? Shouldn’t they tell us things like that?” 

“Okay,” Remus said, deciding something. He drew his wand from his pocket, then subtly leaned around Sirius to point it at Marlene, casting a spell to cause hives to erupt on her hands, eventually spreading to the rest of her body. Then he did the same thing to James.

“Whatcha doin’, Moons?” Sirius asked. His cow eye was mostly untouched on the table in front of him.

“Don’t move,” Remus said, casting the hex on him, too. Then Lily. 

To finish, he pointed his wand at his own hand, and immediately felt a painful itch begin, as if barbed wire were wrapping around his hand and snaking up his arms. He put his wand away and raised his hand.

“Professor Slughorn?” he said.

Slughorn looked up from his desk. “Mr. Lupin?”

“I think I might have an allergy to the cow eye.”

“What do you mean?” said Slughorn, furrowing his eyebrows.

He held up his hands. “My skin is really itchy, and there’s this rash starting…”

James gasped. “Oh Merlin, I have the same disease!” he said. “I can’t lose my hands, I need them for quidditch!”

“An allergy is not a disease, you imbecile,” Snape said, scowling at him. “I hope your head falls off.”

“I need my head for quidditch, too!”

“Oh dear,” Slughorn said, taking Remus’s wrist and twisting it to observe the raised pink welts.

“Oh, it’s spreading!” Sirius said, looking at his hands in horror and trying to back up. “It’s on me!” He looked at Lily. “Ah, it got Evans, too!”

“I think there are ants all over me,” Marlene whined, shaking her arms. “Bad ones. With really sharp teeth. They’re eating me!”

“Alright, okay,” Slughorn said, laughing nervously. “If you’re experiencing some sort of reaction, why don’t you please head to the hospital wing to be treated.”

“Our cow eyes,” Lily said.

“We’ll just have you do an essay on the dissection process instead. We’ll make sure everyone has a lens for Friday.”

“Ants everywhere,” groaned Marlene.

“Alright, to the hospital wing! Let’s not panic!” Slughorn insisted, sounding panicked.

“I can make sure they get there, Professor,” Remus said, sliding his things from the table to his bag.

“Thank you, Mr. Lupin. Hurry, now.”

Remus gathered his friends, ushering them out the door, and heading in a stumbling, giggling crowd to the hospital wing. He had Lily’s hand in his, the girl completely spacing out, her eyes following things that Remus couldn’t see. 

“What’d you say to Meadowes?” Sirius asked Marlene. 

“Oh, um… I was trying to say that Slytherin was going to lose to Ravenclaw… And that they were both going to suck Gryffindor balls,” she said. “But I must’ve signed it wrong, because she got so mad at me.”

“I would bet that you got your point across just fine,” Remus said.

Madam Pomfrey opened the door when they got to the hospital wing.

“Mr. Lupin,” she said, smiling kindly, then her gaze travelled over the posse he had brought with him. “What…is going on?”

“We have a situation.”

Remus decided to tell the truth, but he didn’t specify who brought the biscuits, just said that a family member had sent them and his friends had eaten an unidentifiable amount. 

Each of his friends were put into their own hospital bed to monitor their vitals, better safe than sorry because no one knew how much marijuana they had ingested or if there were any other drugs—muggle or magical—laced in the cookies. Madam Pomfrey assured him that they all seemed fine, that they were just experiencing the dramatic effects of a lot of marijuana, and she gave them all a Sleeping Drought so they could sleep it off. She asked him to go fetch the other two.

Remus didn’t even have to go to the Gryffindor Tower, running into Peter and Mary on his way up, who were both sitting on one of the staircases.

“Moony,” Peter said. “Look.” He waved a napkin held in his hand, stuffed with a biscuits. “We went to the kitchen and the elves made us more biscuits.”

“We were starving,” Mary said, nodding and eating a biscuit of her own.

“Oh… Well, yeah,” Remus said. “Makes sense.”

He got them to follow him to the hospital wing, and, for the first time ever, he was the one sitting in a chair and waiting for them to be cleared for release. He worked on the essay he’d have to do for Slughorn now, and then he wrote three more for James, Sirius, and Marlene (Lily would want to write her own).

“Moony,” someone called from their bed. Sirius’s voice.

Remus got up from where he had been sitting inside Lily’s curtains, moving next door to answer Sirius.

“Hey, Padfoot,” he whispered.

“Moony,” Sirius said, sounding a bit loopy, smiling from where he was reclined against his pillows.

“What do you need?”

“Just wanted to see your beautiful face.”

Remus smiled back. “You’re still high.”

“High on you.”

“Case in point.”

“Hey, Moony?”

“Yeah?”

Sirius bit his lower lip, then released it with an exhale. “I like you a whole lot, you know?”

“I like you, too, Sirius,” he said softly.

A beat of silence.

“I wish it were real,” Sirius whispered, staring at Remus with piercing grey eyes.

Remus swallowed. “You wish what was real?”

“That you liked me.”

He laughed quietly. “I do like you, you idiot. I just said so.”

Sirius turned his head to look at the ceiling, sighing heavily. 

Remus watched him for a moment, his heartbeat thrumming in his ears, then said, “Get some rest, Padfoot.” He closed the curtains and added that conversation to the list of things that he was not allowed to think about. 

References: Grey's Anatomy, Barbie, The Office US. "You're like an angel with no wings." "So like a person." is from Season 2, Episode 17 of Parks & Recreation.

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Jeopardise, Chapter 33: Remus Doesn’t Have a Guest Bedroom

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New Jeopardise chapter!!!! Finally!!!!

Chapter 32: A Lesson in Lupe-de-Lupe

(I don’t like this chapter that much tbh but it is posted and that is what I needed)

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Jeopardise, Chapter 30: Peter Tells Remus’s Other Secret

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Jeopardise, chapter 28: From Beneath-whelmed to Ambidextrous to Pathetic

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Jeopardise, chapter 31: Sirius is Brave and Strong and Way Better Than Enrique

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Jeopardise, chapter 29: Lily is Right, As Always

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Jeopardise, chapter 27: The Potential End of the World

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Chapter 23: Remus Hangs Out in the Girls’ Bathroom

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Jeopardise, chapter 34: Two Dramatic-ass, Masochistic Apples of the Same Tree

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Double update today !!!!!

Jeopardise - Chapter 24: McGonagall Enforces the Curfew

Forget the World - Chapter 7

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Jeopardise, Chapter 26: James Eats Grass and Remus Goes Grey

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Oh btw chapter 5 of Jeopardise vs chapter 14

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not trying to pressure just curious if you know when jeopardise will be updated? love it btw ❤️

In the next few days!! I made good progress this weekend lmao.

THEN I’m hoping to regain some structure in my life when uni starts back so that the updates won’t be so far apart anymore.