#especially for people who experienced trauma as a kid

[maxdibert]

I love this contribution, especially with the theoretical references, but also because I completely agree. Seeing things beyond black and white is a trait that develops as you gain more life experience. That’s why there’s such a drastic change between the end of high school (when you’re 18) and the end of university (around 22 or 23). Not much time has passed, but leaving behind a sheltered, childish environment to experience all sorts of things in just 4 or 5 years makes your perspective change dramatically. And let’s not even talk about what happens once you cross the threshold of 25, when people start getting stable jobs, moving out, having serious or not-so-serious relationships... Experience is fundamental to shaping your worldview and also for judging certain things. Adolescence is still a stage of physical and cognitive transformation, where ethical and moral frameworks are still being formed and are heavily influenced by a very childlike, binary perspective.

I remember that when I read the last book as a teenager, I specifically thought Severus had wasted his life on someone who didn’t even love him. I wasn’t particularly a huge fan of his character back then—I liked him a lot, but I wasn’t a hardcore defender. Still, I do remember thinking since the fifth book that Lily was kind of a jerk for almost laughing at him during SWM. So, I remember thinking at around 15 or so: What an idiot for being so broken up over someone like that. And it’s funny to think about now because I realize that at that age, I had no concept of loss. I hadn’t even lost any of my grandparents yet. Now, at 28, I’ve lost a lot of people and even witnessed some die. I understand loss; I’ve felt it, I’ve seen its consequences, and I’ve seen what poorly handled grief can do to people. So now I understand why he did what he did. As a teenager, I couldn’t, because everything seemed so simple to me: You haven’t spoken to this person in years, and they didn’t even accept your apology? You should just move on. But as an adult, you’ve experienced things that give you much more perspective, and it’s precisely those things that broaden your worldview and make you better at understanding the actions of others.

I get the feeling that these die-hard Marauders defenders are just kids who see Severus as that teacher they dislike or who was mean to them, and they can’t see beyond that because, ultimately, the world of school is all they know. There’s nothing beyond classes, homework, and tests, and they’re unable to put themselves in the shoes of an adult carrying countless traumas, a mountain of responsibilities, and, on top of it all, stuck in a job they don’t like, dealing with kids they can’t stand, who also make things as difficult as possible. Those of us who work, who’ve had to endure crappy jobs, who’ve stayed late in the office, paid bills, counted down to the end of the month to stretch our budget, and made dinner at 11 PM after a terrible day—we understand this much better. Because we know that being an adult sucks, that you have tons of responsibilities you hate, and that working in a job you don’t like is psychologically exhausting. And then you think about Severus, who isn’t just a teacher, but also a double agent, dealing with unimaginable pressure while also teaching, which he hates, managing kids and teenagers (who, once you’re past your teens, seem absolutely insufferable unless you genuinely have a passion for teaching—because seriously, no adult can stand you, kids, and you won’t stand teenagers when you grow up, and that’s the circle of life), who are also a massive pain because they’re always, always getting into trouble. Trouble that he has to sort out because his boss, Dumbledore, has appointed him the official babysitter of these reckless brats. You end up feeling a lot of compassion for him. Because he’s an underpaid adult with a crappy job, loads of mental issues, and, on top of it all, has to deal with a trio of know-it-all kids who won’t take no for an answer and always have to do the opposite of what they’re told. And that opposite constantly puts their lives at risk. And honestly, I’d be at my wit’s end too. I mean, you really have to reach a certain age to appreciate the restraint it must’ve taken for that man to limit himself to snide comments in class and not just tell them all to fuck off.

But you need a few years for that to sink in.

And I’ve gone off on a tangent, but hey, don’t hold it against me lol.

I’d bet half my monthly salary that 9 out of 10 Snaters who are also huge fans of the Marauders aren’t even 21 years old. And yes, age is essential to understanding certain things.

[ablatheringblatherskite]

I can't really word exactly why this episode breaks me so goshdang much, but it does. It never fails to make me cry no matter where I'm at emotionally when I'm watching it. It just breaks and heals my heart and soul in a way very few pieces of media have ever managed to. So I'm dropping this here. Enjoy.

[agirlinthegalaxy]

Something I see frequently is fans wanting characters like Elle Greenaway or Nathan Harris to return as unsubs in Criminal Minds, which. I'll be completely honest, I hate the idea for a lot of the suggested characters because it feels so undeniably tragic and hopeless that someone will inevitably become a killer, even if they don't want to become one. Yes, a lot of the unsubs have some kind of tragic backstory, but the thing is that they're still awful people (excluding very very few). I feel like having previous characters return as the unsub paints this picture that you're unable to break the cycle of violence or that you're destined to become a monster, which is just such a honestly tragic message, especially for a show that's already pretty dark.

I'm not opposed to characters reappearing, but I'd much prefer that if those characters appeared again that it'd be in the vein of them having undergone some kind of healing and growth and be able to find themselves some kind of peace and satisfaction in where they are in life. Let them reappear, but don't transform them into monsters but a symbol of the healing and growth available to survivors and the other characters.

[daportalpractitioner]

the triple goddess in astrology

the triple goddess is represented by 3 archetypes in 1 to describe the multi-layered experience of the divine feminine. they are the maiden, the mother, and the crone.

the maiden: venus

the maiden is the archetype of the young woman who is grounded in her identity, her sexuality, her gifts, her desires, and her standards. she's confident in herself and what she wants, allowing her to cultivate meaningful connections that elevate her on this soul journey. she recognizes that this is her world and you are just living in it. the sign of your venus tells you how you are meant to embody this maiden innerG.

☾⋆｡ for example, a virgo venus is meant to embody her maiden energy through being of service to herself and others with integrity. this means that she doesn't let people take advantage of her and she doesn't do shit for people with manipulative intentions. she only allows what serves her highest good into her life, from what she eats to the environments that she takes space in, because when she focuses and allows only what serves her, she is also of service to The Most High.

the mother: moon

the mother is the archetype of the woman who gives birth to her creations + nurtures them so that they can grow to sustain life on their own. this is deeper than just having kids —this applies to all creations which once started off as a desire. she is an effective nurturer because she recognizes the importance of taking care of herself first. she uses her heart space to heal her wounds through compassion + forgiveness and in turn cultivates a loving community through the love that she fosters. her first home is herself and her life is a desired reflection of everything she already holds within her. the sign of your moon tells you how you are meant to embody your inner mother innerG.

☾⋆｡ for example, a capricorn moon is meant to embody their mother innerG by reconciling the energy connected to family trauma (especially their parental relationships) and not letting their childhood traumas + resentment bleed into the way that they care for themselves and others. she doesn't add unnecessary pressure to herself and shows grace to self + others. she leads by not being too hard on herself and those that look up to her and depend on her. she trusts herself to lean into her femininity + allows others to support her instead of always being the one that others are always relying on.

the crone: saturn

the crone archetype is the wise, older woman who is a pillar in the community, being able to provide support and insight for others due to the hardships + lessons that she experienced. people look up to her as an authority figure because she has the wisdom to guide others in the right direction. she isn't distracted by what's going on in the world + uses her time wisely because she's aware that she won't be here forever. she doesn't entertain bullshit and while others may call her mean, she stands firm on her boundaries. this is that grandmotherly innerG that is very supportive + protective of our highest good by holding us accountable. the sign of your saturn is meant to show you how to embody your inner crone.

☾⋆｡ for example, a cancer saturn is meant to embody their crone by holding herself emotionally accountable to cultivate healthy connections with others. she is aware of the "generational curses" that she has karmically acquired though the bloodline and doesn't play the blame game, recognizing that it is her duty to break those curses so that those same karmic patterns aren't played out in her connections and the family that she has/will create for herself one day. she is aware of the complexity of humans + their emotions and is able to teach + heal others through her own experiences with family + other loved ones that are or were once near and dear to the heart.

[severussnapemylove]

Sometimes I wonder if JKR even realises she wrote Snape as a victim of sexual assault. Because he unambiguously is, and she writes him as traumatised by the incident. So it seems mad to suggest that she might not have thought through the implications of her own writing, but if she did get it, I am baffled by how sympathetic she remains to James. Harry is never really made to confront how vile his actions were, because he looks for comfort from Remus and Sirius rather than telling Hermione who would react in horror and disgust, and he gets to skip over it completely in The Prince’s Tale. JKR clearly considers James a hero, and has confirmed that in interviews. She’s even more sympathetic to Lily, who is portrayed as an absolute paragon of goodness, morality and virtue, despite her being attracted enough to James *after* he publicly commits sexual assault on a less privileged kid to marry him! What a malfunctioning moral compass. JKR also has no sympathy at all for Tom Riddle Sr, who is a victim of rape, and his rapist Merope Gaunt, who is herself strongly implied to be a victim of incestual abuse, is condemned by Dumbledore and the narrative not for what she did to Tom but for not being as courageous as nice, pretty, middle class Lily Evans because Merope committed the crime of…dying in childbirth. The only conclusions I can draw from this is that JKR is the sort of ´feminist’ who doesn’t believe men can be the victims of sexual crimes, and that deep down she thinks being a member of the underclass who can’t drag themselves out of it alone is indicative of moral failure.

This! All of this!

I don't think she puts it together at all. She's incredibly tone deaf about a lot of the abuse she puts these characters through. And with the blasé attitude she has about male victims of SA in the books definitely goes along her brand of toxic radical "feminism". It looks like she just doesn't recognise the severity of what happens to these characters. On top of Severus's attack and Tom Riddle Sr, remember that Ron was roofied with love spell that was intended for Harry, and Moaning Myrtle is incredible predatory towards the boys. Sadly, this attitude carries over from the author to a chunk of the fandom too. I've seen so much dismissiveness of the assaults against the male characters, especially Severus. And it's even more disappointing when I see people who have experienced abuse saying that what Severus endured "didn't count" as abuse. Had someone today on another platform having an absolute meltdown at me, saying that what happened in SWM wasn't sa, and that he wasn't traumatised from his abuse and if his anger was caused by trauma then why wasn't Harry the same. Seriously, you can't tell another person that what they experienced wasn't "bad enough to be abuse", that's a very warped mentality. Survivors are supposed to support each other, not belittle each other's trauma. Also, what book did they read that they think Harry doesn't have issues from the life he endured? He has different issues than Severus, yes, because he had different life experiences and everyone's reactions to trauma are different.

"Merope Riddle chose death in spite of a son who needed her, but do not judge her too harshly, Harry. She was greatly weakened by long suffering and she never had your mother's courage."

WTF is this!!!??? This is just plain victim blaming. "Your mothers' courage"? Lily had supportive, loving parents, was loved by her peers, admired by her teachers, had a very comfortable, secure life. Merope was physically and mentally abused for her whole life. They really criticized the poverty stricken, abuse victim for not being as "strong" as the Mary Sue of the Wizarding World??? Toxic as hell. Personally, as someone who has dealt with self-harm, mental illness and generational trauma in my family, this attitude of "they weren't strong enough" is nauseating and infuriating.

There really is a disturbing trend of extreme poverty equalling a dead-end life with no hope. Which is again an extremally toxic and judgmental attitude and a very dangerous message to put in a book aimed to children. The attitude towards abuse, poverty and indecent assault of men is beyond problematic, not only in the books but in far too many members of the fandom.

I could rant more but this will go on for pages.

[raguiras]

What's this?! Spade of Storms is canon in the game now?! /j

Finally finished this Spade of Storms WIP from early June 😅 Click for better quality!

Reblogs are very appreciated ~

「 Bonus versions & ship ramble below the cut! 」

♤ More Deuce x Allen: ♤

SHIP INTRO: 1 // 2 // 3 // 4

OTHER ART: 1

Ship blog: @spade-of-storms

♤♠︎♤♠︎♤♠︎♤♠︎♤♠︎♤♠︎♤♠︎♤♠︎♤♠︎♤♠︎♤♠︎♤♠︎♤♠︎♤

♤ Ship ramble ♤

There are many reasons why Allen and Deuce are perfect for each other (list), but a fair share of said reasons are rooted in or can be traced back to one massive, highly important core point: these two have extremely similar experiences in a reversed order.

Said experiences shaped their personalities, goals, insecurities and "masks" — all of which are highly important factors for Deuce and Allen's relationship development.

So today, I'll be talking about how their backstories influence Allen and Deuce's relationship.

Something I noticed is that if Spade of Storms weren't dating, they'd pretty much end up experiencing at least parts of each other's backstory... and end up in a super miserable state.

Allen is a former honor student who overworked himself to the point of burning out, all because he was a people pleaser and his stellar grades still weren't enough for his teachers who expected nothing but the absolute best from him. Additionally, he had to suppress his true self and interests because he was expected to be a model student in every single way, and anger was something only "bad" kids felt.

Sounds familiar? Deuce is unknowingly on the path to end up in the same situation, except in his case, the fact that he can't seem to achieve better grades no matter what causes him even more distress. If he actually ended up becoming a honor student, Deuce would experience a ton of additional pressure, not to mention that he's already struggling to hide the delinquent tendencies that are a fundamental part of his true personality... Sure, "honor student" sounds like a nice and admirable title to have — but the reality behind it is cruel, and Deuce isn't aware of that yet.

Which is why I gave him Allen.

A large part of Allen's trauma is rooted in his past as a honor student and the crushing expectations people (including himself) threw at him, and he desperately wants Deuce to watch out for himself and approach his goal of becoming a honor student carefully and logically rather than bite off more than he can chew and end up drowning in even more pressure, self-suppression and insecurities. Allen doesn't want Deuce to experience all the negative sides of being a honor student and instead supports the Heartslabyul student's goals by working towards them with a pace appropriate for Deuce, helping him study through actually unique methods specifically tailored for Deuce, and — most importantly — giving Deuce a safe and healthy environment where he can be his 100% authentic self and learn how to properly get his impulsiveness under control at the same time.

And the other way around? How does Deuce's past help Allen?

Deuce quit being a delinquent because it not only disappointed his mom, but also caused him a lot of trouble and massively stained his reputation. While Allen can handle his own delinquent tendencies just fine on the outside, his anger is actually much worse than Deuce's, not to mention that he has incredibly violent fantasies about the people he can't stand...

So far, Allen hasn't done anything bad. But Deuce, despite being a delinquent at heart himself, is able to calmly remind Allen to not do anything he might end up regretting or that might stain his reputation, especially since this is a major fear of Allen's. Deuce's worries and loving way manage to keep Allen in check, no matter how strong the Ramshackle student's hatred for society grows.

♠︎♤♠︎♤♠︎♤♠︎♤♠︎♤♠︎♤♠︎♤♠︎♤♠︎♤♠︎♤♠︎♤♠︎♤♠︎♤♠︎

Now, HOW exactly are they able to help each other grow? WHY did they form intimate levels of trust to begin with? And especially, why can Allen actually efficiently help Deuce in the first place when nobody else can?

All will be revealed in the next issue Spade of Storms explanation post >:)

[hypewinter]

Early Accident AU

So Danny becomes Phantom at like age 8 or something right. And everything goes just about similar to canon, including TUE. The only difference is that instead of the meeting being called because Danny cheated on a career aptitude test, it's now because his teacher is just worried about him and is staging a sorta intervention thing.

So anyway, Danny cannot stop the Nasty Burger explosion and ends up going to live with Vlad. Which isn't going well. He's constantly crying and feeling guilty for not stopping the incident. There's also the constant fear that he'll become Dan. Vlad is doing nothing to address any of this. Instead he's showing off his godson to anyone and everyone and bragging about how smart he is. In fact, that's exactly what he does when he gets invited to a Wayne Gala.

The bats take one look at this kid, who's eyes are still red from crying, being dragged around by his guardian and alarm bells immediately start ringing. Especially for Tim who experienced what it was like being dragged around to special events even when he was incredibly ill.

The bats get even more concerned when Vlad pulls his charge into a corner to scold him for looking miserable instead of comforting him. He's telling the kid stuff like only babies are allowed to get away with crying and that if he continues making the man look bad, he'll be punished when they get home.

Danny does his best to suck it up. He tries to push down all the swirling emotions surrounding his powers, the death of all his loved ones, and even the unprocessed trauma of his own death. He ends up going to the bathroom to try to splash some water in his face and calm down.

As he's making his way back to Vlad, he is intercepted by Tim. When this kind stranger sincerely asks him if he's ok, he breaks down. This is the first person to genuinely ask him how he's doing since he's family's death outside of people doing it for the sake of pleasantries.

Now the boy is absolutely ugly crying in front of this whole party of people and Vlad is not pleased to say the least. He tries to snatch Danny up and whisk him away but the bats intervene. Bruce says something about knowing how to console children as Dick ushers Danny into a separate room where Alfred is already waiting with some hot chocolate.

After a while Danny starts to calm down and he goes to wipe his eyes. As he's doing this, his sleeve slips down a little, revealing an arm covered in bandaids. To explain, it hasn't been that long since Danny came to live with Vlad. Couple that with his healing factor being slower due to his emotional state and he has a couple of small wounds still remaining from his fights that have yet to heal.

Of course the bats don't know where those wounds are from. All they know is that there's no way in hell Danny is leaving this manor with Vlad.

[theninerealmsbakery]

Headcanons for the Lin Kuei Bros as kids

When Kuai Liang was born, Bi-han took one look at his newborn brother and asked his parents why the baby was so ugly (Bi-han's brutal honesty came in at a young age)

When Kuai Liang was little, he wanted to do everything like Bi-han did - he wanted to eat the same things, wear the same clothes, and couldn't wait to get his ice powers so he could be exactly like his brother

Bi-han started to manifest his ice powers at a very young age. When Bi-han was just a toddler, he accidentally froze the door of his nursery shut

Kuai Liang's powers took longer to come in, when he was 5 or so. He set soe curtains on fire. When he found out he had fire powers instead of ice like Bi-han, he cried for hours, because he wanted to be just like his brother

Bi-han and Kuai Liang were 12 and 10 respectively when Tomas was kidnapped adopted and became their brother

Kuai Liang was delighted, because now he was the older brother instead of the baby of the family

The first year or two in the Lin Kuei were especially hard for Tomas, as he had witness the deaths of his family, being kidnapped by the people who killed his family and then being raised in a totally different environment, in a completely different language. Due to this, his trauma was never fully addressed (not that the Lin Kuei would know how to address trauma anyway)

Tomas 100% was a leash child. He was always running everywhere, always finding places to hide in. Bi-han remembers when they were kids, having to rescue Tomas from the roof, because he would constantly climb up there but didn't know how to get back down

They are the kind of brothers that, when they had any kind of disagreement, will literally beat the shit out of each other, then act like the disagreement never happened in the first place

When Bi-han reached his mid-teens, he was given separate training from Kaui Liang and Tomas, because he was the heir to the Grandmaster title. His training was especially cruel and grueling and he experienced things that no teenager should have at his age. This difference in experiences put some distance between him and his brothers and created a lot of resentment towards his father who forced him to endure so much. Though to protect his brothers, he will never tell them what their father put him through.

[andvys]

If you’re taking requests (and if you’re not totally ignore me) maybe a hurt comfort with Eddie? Like maybe the readers been sinking further into their head because they deal with anxiety and repetitive thoughts and no one in the party seems to notice except Eddie who is softer and more coddling?

You will be loved E.M.

Warnings: slight angst, anxiety, mentions of depression, mentions of Eddie almost dying, mentions of Steve's trauma, fluff

Pairing: Eddie Munson x fem!reader

Word count: 2k

stranger things masterlist

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You never had it easy in life, anxiety has always been a big part of you, ever since you were a kid, you struggled with your own thoughts, with fears that you couldn’t control and with things that you probably overthought. Whenever you tried to open up and talk about it, you got dismissed or worse, pushed away, especially by people you considered friends. 

As you got older, you learned to keep things to yourself, to not talk about them, knowing that you will just be ignored, misunderstood or pushed away again. 

Some days it’s easy to dismiss your thoughts, to distract yourself and to think about other things. You always wear a smile on your face and show everyone how happy you are, even when you’re not. 

You have amazing friends now, ones that you went through hell and back with. You know that they would never push you away or ignore you and your struggles, yet your fears always keep you from opening up to someone. 

It’s easier to keep quiet. 

You know that Steve is struggling with everything that happened. He acts like he is fine when he really isn’t. He has no one to come home to, no one to comfort him, no one to make him feel safe. He experienced trauma, too much of it. He keeps his feelings to himself, pretending to be okay, he is lying to everyone and to himself. Just like you do. 

Maybe it’s bad to look up to him when you know how much he is suffering in silence but you take him as an example. 

Keep quiet and pretend that you’re okay for the sake of others and for yourself..

Though when things get truly bad and your thoughts and your fears take hold of you, you can’t continue to act like you’re okay, you can’t continue to smile and waltz around happily, showing everyone how ‘good’ you’re feeling. 

You force that smile on yourself, you force that laugh or that giggle, you force yourself to show up, you force yourself to show them that you are still okay. And you are relieved to see that no one notices how much you are struggling. 

At least that’s what you think. 

Eddie notices. He always notices everything about you. 

He knows when you are happy and he knows when you’re not. 

He knows when a smile is genuine and when it isn’t. 

And right now, he knows that you are pretending. 

The Wheeler’s are on vacation– well, Ted, Karen and Holly are. Nancy stayed at home and after much convincing they allowed Mike to stay behind as well. Tonight, the whole party is here for movie night. 

Eddie, who had been excited for this night all week, wrapped his arms around you and pulled you into a tight hug the moment you walked through the door, he kissed your cheek and squeezed your sides, making you giggle. 

That was a genuine giggle and so was the one when he surprised you with your favorite snacks that he got when he stopped by Big Buy’s just to get you the things you love. 

Eddie might not be able to afford much but he spoils you with little things whenever he can, you are friends but he treats you like you’re his girl. He takes care of you, he makes sure you eat and drink enough, he reminds you to bring your jacket whenever you go out together but in case you don’t, he always brings one of his hoodies– just for you. He gets you little presents every now and then, whether it’s a cute stuffie that reminds him of you or a pretty necklace, anything he sees that he thinks you might like, he will get it for you. 

He loves spoiling you, he loves paying attention to you. 

Eddie always keeps a close eye on you and he always makes sure that you know that you can come to him, for anything. Whether it’s just to talk or to spend time together, Eddie is always here for you, anytime. 

Tonight, he keeps an even closer eye on you. When he stopped by your workplace to bring you your favorite coffee and pastry, he had noticed that your eyes were glassy, a little red rimmed and filled with sadness– you were crying. He wanted nothing more than to pull you into a hug and ask you if you are okay but he didn’t want to push you. 

Dustin, who claimed the spot next to you continuously tried to make you laugh during the movie, you did laugh and while the teen was proud of his jokes and of making you laugh, Eddie knew that you were forcing it. You didn’t even pay attention to the movie, your eyes looked distant, your mind was elsewhere. 

Max asked if you were bored to which you shook your head and gave her a small smile, she offered you the snacks that Eddie got you but you declined. 

Finally, you excused yourself during the second movie, no one really paid attention, everyone was too focused on the fight scene that erupted on the screen– you waited for this moment, waiting for everyone to be distracted so you could make an escape without getting unwanted attention. 

Eddie’s eyes follow you, watching you walk out of the house and into the garden, you close the patio door behind you. He gives you a moment to yourself before he decides to follow you out. 

He finds you sitting on the swing chair, looking up at the starry sky, your toes are touching the grass, your hair is flowing from the wind, even from a distance, Eddie can see that you are freezing, it’s a chilly summer night. Instantly, he takes his sweater off and walks towards you. 

“You never bring a jacket do you?” 

You flinch a little, lowering your head and turning towards him, your sad eyes lock with his but a smile tugs at your lips, “you know me.” 

He chuckles, walking closer to you, he offers you his black sweater. You shake your head, “I don’t want you to get cold–”

“Sweetheart, I’m not the one wearing a sundress,” he says, raising his brows as he looks down at your cute dress, “it’s cute and you look very pretty but you must be freezing in that tiny thing.”

You blush at his words, breaking eye contact, you look down at his sweater and grab it, gladly putting it on. Warmth and Eddie’s scent embrace you, it makes your heart flutter and long for him even more. 

He smiles to himself, his heart is soaring whenever he sees you in his clothes. 

Sitting down next to you, he turns to you, “is the movie too boring for you?” He asks as he stares at your side profile, your skin is glowing beneath the moonlight, the urge to brush your hair back and kiss your cheek is so strong, “cause it’s definitely too boring for me,” he jokes, making you laugh. 

“Are action movies not your thing?” 

“Some of them are but I’m more into horror,” he shrugs, giving you a cheeky smile. 

“Me too,” you smile. 

“We should have a movie night by ourselves, just binge on horror movies, eat pizza and pretzels–” 

“Of course we can never forget about the pretzels!” You laugh. 

His eyes light up at your genuine laugh, “you know it, they’re my favorites.” 

“You’re obsessed,” you chuckle. Still staring into his eyes that look even more beautiful than the stars in the night sky, “I’d love to have a horror movie night with you,” you smile. 

His heart skips a beat as excitement rushes through him. It’s not that you have never hung out alone before, there were a few times but mostly, you always hang out in groups and Eddie has been waiting for a chance to be with you alone, so he can shower you with more love. 

“Yeah?” 

You nod, “yeah,” you whisper. 

“Cool,” he says with a big smile on his face, one that makes you feel at ease. 

Eddie scoots a little closer to you, he looks into your eyes. He can see the glint of happiness, the one that has been missing before. He reaches for your hand and as he turns it around, you instantly intertwine your fingers with his making his heart swell.

Even before he joined your friend group and became a big part of your life, he crushed on you hard. You were always the girl he had his eyes on, you were always the one he was excited to see whenever he walked into the hell hole that people call school. He is pretty sure that he failed too many tests because he was too busy staring at you. 

“How are you, sweetheart?” He asks as he squeezes your hand. 

The question isn’t half hearted, it isn’t forced or just a conversation starter, it’s a genuine question because he wants to know what you really feel like, he wants to know because he cares. He always cared. Eddie was always here, he was always the one who take care of you, the one who always noticed when you weren’t feeling well, the one who always did everything to show you how loved you are and as you think about all the moments, he was there to make you feel good, you suddenly feel tears welling up in your eyes. 

His eyes widen a little when he sees the tears, when he notices the quivering lip, when he feels your tight grip on his hand. You don’t have to say it, he knows you are not doing well and as you start crying, he doesn’t even hesitate to pull you into his arms. 

“Oh y/n,” he whispers as he picks you up and pulls you on his lap, wrapping his arms tightly around your form. You bury your face in his neck and put your arms around him, crying softly as he holds you. 

“I’m here, sweetheart,” he whispers, rubbing your back softly, “you’re not alone, I’m here.” 

Your quiet sniffles break his heart just the way your sobs did that night when he almost died as he laid in your arms. You were there, you gave him the strength that he needed, you saved him, you took care of him, you never left his side and now he will do the same for you. 

He kisses your shoulder and plays with your hair, whispering some reassuring words into your ear, trying to ease your pain, trying to comfort you as best as he can and when you calm down, you pull away to look into his eyes. 

Eddie cups your cheeks, wiping away your fallen tears, he pulls you closer, “you don’t have to hide your feelings, baby,” he whispers as he presses a soft kiss to your damp cheek, “I’m always here, no matter what,” he kisses your other cheek, “I don’t want you to keep things to yourself,” he kisses your forehead, “you were there for me, so let me be here for you now,” he says as he kisses your nose, making you smile a little, “you’re my girl, let me take of you.” 

Your glassy eyes meet his, you notice the blush on his cheeks, the hopeful look in his eyes. 

“I’m your girl?” 

He blinks, smiling nervously, “i-if you want to be,” he whispers shyly as his heart begins to race, just like yours does. 

“I would love to be your girl, Eddie Munson.” 

His smile grows bigger, happiness rushes through him, his eyes light up and he looks giddier than ever. He grabs your cheeks harder and pulls you closer, “my girl,” he whispers before he slams his lips against yours, pulling you into a sweet and passionate kiss, one that fills you with warmth, hope and love. 

Eddie holds you tighter than before, he pours all the love he has for you into the kiss, you can feel his happiness and that alone shows you will be okay eventually. 

You have him by your side, that means that you will always be loved. 

[cyb3rtarot]

Pick a Pile: Message From Your Inner Child + How You Can Nurture Them

Disclaimers: choose the pile you feel intuitively drawn to; you can choose more than one! Take what already resonates and leave anything confusing or stressful. Readings are not replacements for professional advice. I used a mix of tarot, oracle, and my intuition.

pile 1->pile 2

pile 3->pile 4

░░░

Pile 1

Message [Justice||nine of hearts rx, king of pentacles, nine of wands rx, three of pentacles rx]: hi pile one! Your inner child wants to express feelings of dissatisfaction or being stifled. Many of you are in a good place financially/with work, at least compared to where you used to be. This came from working very hard without much support from others—maybe even being hindered by others. Other people might look at your life and wish they had it, but your inner child does not seem fulfilled by whatever your position is. I don’t sense ungratefulness, but it does seem like your inner child is more interested in something “deeper” or more meaningful than your physical reality is providing. If you’ve had to claw your way out of hard situations, your inner child seems to be looking for some kind of justice or retribution regarding that. You may feel like you deserve more happiness after what you’ve had to go through, or want people who have done you wrong to be punished.

How you can nurture your inner child [the fool, the emperor, king of pentacles rx, three of swords rx]: a more proactive approach to finding meaning and happiness in your life will nurture your inner child. You might be used to going with the flow—especially if you’re materially comfortable or seeking such a lifestyle. Remember that you have the power to initiate new beginnings; you don’t have to stay the same! Give your inner child space to grow and discover what feels right to them, even if it doesn’t make sense to others. Don’t force yourself to remain in an unhappy spot when there are changes within your grasp. Uncertainty is a necessary part of life. There’s also a big emphasis on balancing your work for outer stability with this search for inner happiness; perhaps some of you unnecessarily overwork yourselves which leaves little time for other things. 

For some, this soul searching may involve letting go of past hurts. I’m not trying to force you to forgive others, but to identify how your current reality has formed as a response to pain, and how you can choose to respond differently.

Extra details: isolation, loneliness. Past betrayals and enemies. Being “self made,” supporting oneself. Not being seen and understood, wearing a facade/mask. Music as solace, singing, pop stars (Ariana Grande again lol?). Balance. Being the tough kid, defending yourself. Paying your own way through school. Aggressiveness. Continuous conflict with colleagues or family, unhappiness at work. Wanting to leave a “good” job, or wanting to “run away” (some of you may be daydreaming about “drastic” action, like suddenly quitting and going on a long trip, far away from everyone you know).

░░░

Pile 2

Message [the star rx, seven of wands rx|| nine of swords, the star, four of pentacles rx]: hi pile two! There is a lot of past hurt and trauma in this pile, and your inner child is highly encouraging healing/shadow work. Your inner child is wanting you to lower some of those internal walls so those uncomfortable emotions and memories can be processed. If you feel you need someone like a professional to help you, that is absolutely okay. Healing is hard, trauma is messy, and the “despair” in this pile seems particularly heavy.

How you can nurture your inner child [two of hearts, the tower rx, queen of pentacles rx, the lovers, six of cups rx]: a major focus for your healing journey is examining how past hurts—especially in relationships or childhood—are projected onto present day relationships. You may have developed certain traits or behaviors to survive the past, but now they block you from experiencing the intimacy your inner child craves. This is not to say you should compromise boundaries, but know that intimacy and vulnerability themselves are not the enemy. Thinking or acting like they are can even be a way of self-blaming, as if you not needing love would have prevented others from being toxic or abusers. Examine how past patterns can lead to current self-sabotaging, and also give yourself grace if you feel like you made a mistake. Learning how to navigate relationships of any kind is hard, and trauma can make it harder! Know your inner insecurities are not reflective of the relationship, how others see you, or the truth. If you do wish to work on some aspect of yourself or your healing journey, it’s very much within your capacity.

Extra details: fruit is significant, maybe nostalgic memories of someone cutting or giving you fruit growing up? A house with a tile or distinctive roof, roof decorations. The quiet/shy kid. Feeling like you’re falling apart. Clumsiness. Alone. A lot of yelling and hurtful words (particularly in the past). Childhood or domestic trauma. Catastrophizing. I feel like a lot of you are in a romantic relationship that is triggering anxiety. Practicing healthy communication with your partner may be one part of the healing work mentioned above. I also feel like a lot of you jumped from a very toxic home into a very toxic relationship as you came of age; a current relationship may be difficult due to this pattern that developed.

░░░

Pile 3

Message [ the hermit, the fool rx|| Queen of cups, the chariot, justice rx, ten of pentacles rx, the hanged man rx, the tower]: hi pile 3, your inner child had a lot to say! You might repress them a lot. They want you to know you are living with old mindsets and approaches that are no longer aligned with you. You have a very large inner, emotional world and self awareness, but you don’t let this shine through to the outside. There’s a big nihilistic vibe of just going through the motions and accepting your lot—even when you’re miserable—and even when there’s changes you can make. An imbalance exists between the energy directed towards your mind versus the outside world. There’s a sense of solitude and a “what’s the point?” approach. However, there’s also a sense of restlessness. Your inner child is feeling stifled by this lifestyle; they want to come out and experience enthusiasm! It seems major changes are present or coming in where this can be addressed.

How you can nurture your inner child [the lovers rx, king of swords, knight of wands rx, the emperor rx]: your inner child is encouraging you to embrace excitement for life. It feels like your nihilistic or apathetic approach functions as self-punishment by denying your desires. You’re aware of which things are not working for you anymore, but you’re avoiding tough conversations or decisions. Your inner child wants to break free and to go after what gives them joy; they do not want their emotions to be judged, repressed, or punished. Some of the self awareness you’ve developed in your inner world can be used to help navigate the disappointments and uncertainties of life. You have to wade past these things to reach the treasures in your journey.

Extra details: restlessness, emo (some of you were in middle school), quiet, hurting, simmering anger, Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day, taking an analytical approach to emotions, singing, not being allowed to express emotions growing up. You might say “perhaps” a lot. Water, wanting to live in or visit a location close to water.

░░░

Pile 4

Message [seven of wands rx, king of hearts, the hermit, strength rx, queen of swords|| queen of pentacles, queen of cups rx, five of cups rx, death rx]: hello pile four! The focus of your message is healing vulnerability. You guys have had to be strong by yourself for a long time. For those working on spirituality, it feels like that was the focus of this period. This “hardened” time can come to a close and give way to a new era where you’re more able to face feelings and express them authentically. Your inner child is pointing to a past experience (or multiple) you can revisit to do healing work. This may be a very disappointing heartbreak in a past relationship (of any kind). You might have had to end it with someone who was very attached to you and make that first “hurtful” move so you both could move on and heal. Or, you became disillusioned from lack of emotional fulfillment. Most of you have already done a lot of healing/shadow work and reached a more stable place with your inner sense of security. But, there’s difficulty translating this into being vulnerable with others. Due to the amount of emotional work you had to do, you’re leaning into logic and practicality when there needs to be a balance with emotion. Maybe you can easily identify and scrutinize emotions, but you default to this mental approach to avoid actually feeling it or confronting what you’ve repressed—especially if others’ reactions to your emotions have been disappointing. Protecting yourself is necessary and so is analyzing emotion. But sometimes feelings just need to pass through! We can only “think” our way so far into understanding life lessons. Vulnerability with ourselves—and knowing healthy ways to be vulnerable with others—are both healing.

How you can nurture your inner child [the hierophant rx, king of wands, princess of wands, page of cups rx, the devil rx]: you’ve done a lot of  self-discovery and learning lessons on purpose. This has made space for beautiful growth—however, there’s an emphasis on being open to developing with other people, too. You may want to continue working on yourself in isolation, but some growth and self-knowledge can only be discovered through others. You may repress your inner child’s desire for connection—forcing yourself to be independent. This seems comfortable for you, but not necessarily fulfilling. You may not know where to start with allowing others inside your world. This pile is stuck in the middle of not wanting to deal with toxic BS and yearning for something new + authentic. You may really have to push yourself to leave your comfort zone when it comes to others, and remember that your past experiences don’t define every experience you could have. I’m not suggesting to do things that feel wrong to you, but I am suggesting to notice where you squash your curiosity towards others as a defense mechanism. If you remain true to the things you’ve learned during this time, you’ll be much more adept at spotting insincere people and setting boundaries. And, you’ll be equipped for the inevitable challenges that occur when we get closer to others. These aren’t necessarily bad challenges, but for someone who has learned to love being alone, the metaphorical social “dance” can seem daunting. People are lessons, but not everyone is going to be a hard lesson.

Extra details [TW abuse, self harm, suicide mention]: using spirituality as a reason to not feel (example, not letting yourself feel disappointed because “that’s how it was meant to be”), likes to rhyme or make puns a lot, tendency towards being nonchalant/apathetic, trying to “think” emotions away, not knowing how to stop being so independent. Spiritual, wise, eccentric/enigmatic, self-assured. “Nice” relationships but very few “deep” relationships. Wanting to be friendly but getting alarmed when someone want to be friendly back lol. May have been in a relationship with a very imbalanced power dynamic; someone may have had the power to punish you? In & out the hospital as a child or a very big medical incident. Working in medical (specifically getting nursing) or as a coach, trainer. Surgeries & surgical scars (especially emergency surgery to save your life), medical implants & devices, physically disabled. SH scars. Past attempt on one’s life. Unwilling to feel emotion in fear of getting swept away by them. Stoic on the outside, emotional inside. Always trying to “solve” your emotions

░░░

[wen-kexing-apologist]

Parallels in Unknown Episode 9

God I love the physicality in this show.

I will preface by saying once more that Kurt is doing a great job in his role as Yuan, especially lately with all the pushing and prodding Yuan has been doing to Qian, but I once again find myself having to highlight the masterful performance of Chris Chiu.

Wei Qian is a very tense and quiet character in a show that uses voice overs sparingly. This means that Chris has a very difficult job in conveying Qian’s inner monologue through body language alone. Without uttering a word we know what Qian is thinking; what he’s feeling; we understand the depth, the weight of his care for the people he loves.

For Episode 9, I want to talk about parallels. Parallels and how effectively Unknown is able to use them to bring maximum emotional devastation:

gif by @ueasking

We open with a flashback to Lili and Yuan as kids, to Lili trying to get out of going to school because she is worried the world is going to end. We open with a line from Qian:

“Even if the world comes down, I’ll hold it up.” 

Y’all. That line hit me like a 16 wheeler, holy fuck. This is the summary of Qian’s life, of his goals, of his struggle. Qian’s never had the luxury to live in a world that wasn’t falling apart. But he’s spared Yuan and Lili (especially Lili) from the trauma and the abuse and the pain he has suffered. He is already holding everyone’s worlds together, and that line struck me as the deepest and most beautiful profession of love. And of course, because he is acting as a parent to these kids he has to follow it with an empty threat.

The kids head off to school, but before the door closes behind Yuan he turns around, he looks Qian right in the eye and he says

“Ge, if the world comes down, we’ll hold it up together.”

gif by @ueasking

Double homicide. A perfect expression of Yuan’s devotion to Qian, Qian who very rarely experiences reciprocity. Qian spent a large portion of his life being uplifted and supported by the people around him: Le-ge, San Pang and his family, Xiong this is true, but for Qian most of those feel like or literally are debts to be repaid. He said it to Le-ge in this episode “I will pay you back everything I owe”, in Episode 1, Qian tells San Pang he’ll pay him back when San Pang covers his bills, Xiong helped kick start Qian’s career, but he’s in business with Xiong now so Qian’s success is Xiong’s success. Yuan is the only person to whom Qian owes nothing, and Yuan is the only person who is trying to care for him back without being owed.

Because this show has been looping in my head, I’ve been thinking a lot about trauma. The first scene we see of Qian and Yuan together, Yuan holds out a metal pipe in defense and Qian has an immediate flashback to his own childhood and the abuse he had suffered. Qian immediately establishes a connection to Yuan that he never will with Lili because Qian was incredibly successful in shielding Lili from the harshness of the world. We don’t see the trauma Yuan must have experienced as a kid, but we get the snippets, the ties in to Qian’s experiences, the illness, the hunger. Yuan has suffered, and Qian has saved him, and Yuan understands the burden that comes with care. Yuan is devoted to Qian, Yuan does not want Qian to hold everything he’s carrying all by himself.

Yuan has always been like this, and will always be like this for Qian.

Despite the overarching structural problems I had with this episode, I do think there was a strong thematic thread in paralleling space and physical touch all the way through.

The Letter

Qian discovers this letter in a box under Yuan’s bed. 

“In my life, I’ve been driven by a deviant and sharp obsession” 

Qian tenses up, taking in a deep breath, his eyes wandering away from the page. He literally has to mentally prepare himself to continue reading Yuan’s words 

“Looking back, there’s nothing else. But if my life were to cease all of a sudden-” Qian barely moves his head to finish reading, instead just casts his eyes downward.

“-not seeing you one last time would be my greatest regret” 

Qian moves the paper downward, and he looks away. Legitimately, Qian looks at that letter for as short a time as he physically possibly can. 

I’m mentioning the letter because the face that Qian makes when he is reading it is a recurring character throughout this entire episode. Because we see that face again almost immediately when Qian is at H.O.T.. That man is fully dissociating in his meeting, his mind is not at work at all. He is a statue sitting there with exactly the same face he was making when he read the first few words of Yuan’s letter. And it is not until everyone else but San Pang has walked away that he breaks from that thought paralysis and turns to get San Pang’s opinion. Dissatisfied with San Pang’s response and knowing that Yuan was hiding something from him and has not responded to his phone calls, Qian seeks additional answers. 

Rescuing Yuan

In Episode 1, Qian figures out Yuan is in trouble because he gets a phone call from Yuan’s teacher saying that Yuan applied for a leave of absence, he freaks out and goes straight to the pool hall where he barges in yelling and fighting his way to Le’s door. The second he gets in the room, he barrels straight towards Hu and grabs him by the collar. Qian has to be held back by multiple people in order to stop him from laying waste to everyone there, and the second Le-ge tells his people to let Qian go, Qian starts running straight to Le to fight him and has to be held back once more. 

While Qian is being detained, he is looking around wildly, face a perfect picture of rage and desperation. When Yuan is brought out and Qian is released, he runs straight to Yuan and pulls him in to a hug and they start to walk away, arms linked to each other’s backs in support and connection. 

And it sticks as such a vivid memory in my head that I had a visceral reaction to seeing how Qian has changed over time. Because in Episode 9 he knows something is wrong, you can see the worry behind his eyes when he tells San Pang that Yuan hasn’t answered his phone. And San Pang leaves him sitting there, still mulling over everything. When Qian enters the restaurant to talk to Le he appears calm (though there is very clearly a storm brewing inside him), he enters slowly. He is tense, and frustrated, and trying to contain it all. He is trying to keep himself calm. This is a very political conversation. He pours beer for Le-ge, he drinks with him, but you can feel it in the way that Qian sits that his every thought is like a clock just ticking away until something bad happens to Yuan. 

“Le-ge can I ask a favor of you?” 

“What favor?”

“Help me find Yuan,”

“Are you asking me to help you find him or hand him back?” Le asks bemused and we get a jaw twitch from Wei Qian. Qian is seething, but he knows how Le operates and he’s older and wiser now so he can’t just enter the scene beelining towards Le with his fist ready for a face. As a child he was willing to fight Le, as an adult he has recognized Le more as an unfortunate ally who has all the power. Le and Qian roll up to the scene and we get a far more familiar Qian the second he exits the car and starts sprinting towards Yuan and immediately decks Hu right in the face to get him away from Yuan.

Again he tries to fight everyone that comes between them, again he is detained, being held back by multiple people, again Le and Hu fight while Qian is waiting to be released so he can run to Yuan. Again Le puts an ultimatum on their freedom, before it was a boxing match, now it is Russian Roulette.

When they are set free, Qian immediately runs to Yuan and grabs him like he did when they were running away. The way he looks at everyone when he has Yuan in his arms is exactly the same way he looked at everyone when he was reunited with Yuan the first time Yuan was taken from him by the gang. 

It’s all the same, the way they walk out together, the way they are made to pause, the way Qian’s face is snarling when he’s trapped. It’s all there.   

Russian Roulette

Now, we are all about reciprocity here so we get another really tragic parallel between the boxing scene in Episode 1 and the Russian Roulette scene in Episode 9. 

In Episode 1, it is Qian that is made to play Le’s game alone: win three boxing matches, he and Yuan get to leave the gang. But Le doesn’t let Yuan off scot-free here either, forcing him to stand there and watch Qian get beat to shit over and over and over again for Yuan’s sake. And we get Yuan being the one to call out to Qian. 

“Ge, stop fighting, let’s go home!” Yuan yells, and when Qian wins we see Yuan wiping tears away, and then screaming after Qian when his opponent sneaks up behind him. When Qian and Yuan are alone together after the fight, Yuan is crying and when Qian tells him not to cry he says: 

“Sorry. You wouldn’t have been in this fight if it hadn’t been for me,” which in this case is true for reasons outside of Yuan’s control. The things Qian has done for Le are informed by the care he has for Lili and Yuan, but Yuan is not himself the cause of the problem. 

In Episode 9 however….he walks right into the gang as if that is going to do anything, and has to be rescued by Qian. This time, though Yuan does not (or at least has yet to) say it, Qian would not have been in this fight with Hu and the rest of the gangsters if it wasn’t for Yuan. 

Similarly to Episode 1, Le-ge gives an ultimatum to their release, Russian Roulette. Where before we had three boxing matches, now we have three bullet chambers. And Yuan is old enough to protect Qian now, so Yuan volunteers to go first, and we get a role reversal. Before, Yuan had to watch, crying, as Qian fought and bled. Now, Qian is the one sobbing, having to watch Yuan get a gun to the head. Yuan looks at him and mouths “wo ai ni” and Qian immediately closes his eyes because cannot look at Yuan when the trigger is pulled, just as Yuan tried to look away when Qian was getting his skull bashed in in the boxing ring. 

Yuan gets tortured right back though when it is Qian’s turn to have the trigger pulled, all we hear over the background music is this desperate and broken pleading scream from Yuan to let Qian go. When the game is over and Qian is released he runs straight to Yuan and pulls him up stating “Let’s go home, we’re going home,” another direct parallel to Episode 1. 

THE HUG

Alright, my favorite devastating blow of the evening, the hug in Episode 9 and how it parallels the hug in Episode 1. Because there are two levels to this: 

photo of the photobook that @thisonelikesaliens was kind enough to send me. gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

The hug that Episode 9 more explicitly parallels, in my mind, is the hug that Qian gives Yuan right when they are reunited. He has that boy tucked in his arms, and is holding the back of Yuan’s head with his hand. It’s a very quick moment, but the intensity of Qian’s motion, the strength of his hug, the emotional core of that hug is evident in just the briefest of seconds and matches the intensity, the strength, and the emotional core of the hug in Episode 9. 

gif by @ueasking

Then you get a secondary parallel with the hug between Qian and Yuan after the boxing match, though it’s not as much of a 1:1 visual as the brief hug above. This is mostly in the changing heights, Yuan and Qian are on relatively the same level here. And you get the hand to the back of the head as a comforting thing which Qian is also doing to Yuan in today’s hug. 

In Episode 9, they are walking back home, it is dark, it is quiet. Qian stops dead in his tracks, the same look on his face as when he read the letter. He turns to face Yuan and clenches his fist because he needs that extra strength, it is taking everything in him to follow through on what comes next and then he just grabs Yuan and pulls him into a hug that parallels the hug they shared when Yuan was younger. Qian hugs Yuan like he is that small, scared boy even though Qian is now so much shorter than Yuan and Yuan is so much braver than he used to be.

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

But unlike the hugs in Episode 1, I don’t think this one is intended to comfort Yuan. I think this time, it is Qian reaching out to Yuan for his own comfort. Because in Episode 1 it is Yuan who cries in to the forehead touch, in Episode 9 it is Qian who burrows his face into Yuan’s neck as hard as he can while his face contorts in sobs. This is not necessarily a parallel, but it is the moment of the episode that ruined my life so I needed to make sure that I took you all down with me with a reminder of this scene and a gif. Oh also, they hug in front of a giant pile of wood like they do with the forehead touch in Episode 1 because they HATE US. 

Fishing Conversation v. Letter Conversation

The two big conversations that Qian and Yuan have this episode are really interesting to me because of how they play with space. When Yuan and Qian are out fishing together, Yuan places himself directly in front of, directly next to Qian for the whole length of the conversation where he asks Qian his feelings. Here they are with allllll this space around them, the water, the earth, the air they can sit wherever, they can stand wherever, they can exist wherever they want and they sit half a breadth apart. 

“Four years ago you turned and left, four years later we’re back here. This is enough.” Yuan states

“Can you stop staring at me then?” Qian asks.

gifs by @ueasking

And that in itself is a parallel to Episode 6 and Yuan begging, pleading, clutching at Qian’s knee for him to look at him. Qian could not look Yuan in the eye from the second Yuan told him he was suffering until the moment he returned home, and now Yuan refuses to break eye contact. (And as an aside, it is a very good indication that Qian is warming up to Yuan’s feelings because he says this in a very light, almost joking way. And he follows it with an empty threat, like the empty threat he gave to Lili when she said she didn’t want to go to school, one that Yuan calls him on immediately.) Yuan moves back to his seat, but even then he does not keep any physical distance from Qian, immediately reaching over to grab Qian’s rod ;-)

At the end of the episode, we get a very differently blocked conversation. It starts with the camera focused on Qian as he ices the back of his head, a place we know has caused him continual problems since the boxing match. Yuan knocks before he enters (which he did for the first time last episode), gives Qian a glass of milk (which they’ve definitely done in this show before), and in response Qian (rightfully imo) yells at Wei Zhiyuan for being dumb, then confronts him with the letter. 

“What is the meaning of this?” Qian asks, and it’s the first time he looks at Yuan in the exchange and Yuan takes it, turns around, and walks away without a word. Yuan puts the letter away and goes to sit on a chair in his room, looking across the hallway at Qian. And this is one of my favorite parallels in the episode, because of what it is doing with distance. 

gif by @ueasking

Earlier in the episode Yuan and Qian were fishing together and engaging in very intense conversation about their feelings and their relationship to one another (or rather, Qian was undergoing an interrogation about his feelings and hearing once more Yuan’s feelings for him). With all that wide open space at the river they were essentially joined at the hip the entire time. But here, when there is another very intense conversation about to happen- one where Yuan is breaking some news to Qian that is almost guaranteed to make him feel all the more guilty for sending Yuan away and going no-contact -there is as much space between them as possible.

So despite the fact that they are in their house, in a much smaller space than the river, despite the fact that they started the conversation in Wei Qian’s room, one of the few places Qian has been vulnerable in front of his family (especially when intoxicated, triggered, or experiencing symptoms of his chronic health condition), one of the few places that Qian has allowed Yuan to be completely carefree, cuddly, and affectionate with him (even sharing a bed), this space Qian has fought tooth and nail to make safe for his family, Yuan does not tarnish it by being in the room with him for the conversation. 

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

No, instead Qian will get this information with as much physical and emotional distance between them as Yuan can muster. 

“...some people started writing their last words” causes Qian to break eye contact with Yuan, but his posture, his breathing, all the rest of his physicality remains the same. Until…

“Everything I own is yours, whether you want it or not,”

That is what breaks Qian. Throughout the conversation as he is hearing about Yuan getting trapped, as he is hearing about Yuan thinking he was going to die, he is stoic, he is stone faced, the most movement you see from him is his eyes looking Yuan up and down in concern and his breath getting slightly quicker with each word, the turn of his head. But here he closes his eyes, he looks down at the ground, he releases his breath. It hits him so hard, the knowledge that he could have sent Yuan away and never seen him again, he sent Yuan away and Yuan could have died, where Qian was not around to protect him. 

It is just such a good mirror to the fishing scene, I love it so much. 

[cryptidotter]

I know it's always "being sad about these kids" time in The Locked Tomb but, uh, I just put all these Harrow quotes together and need to share the sadness with everyone else:

So the Reverends told Harrow about the child genocide when she was THREE? jfc

Tamsyn why do you give us distressing facts like this?

And as I sit here with this, it makes me think of how many times I've seen people be frustrated or confused by Gideon being kind to Harrow in the pool scene after this revelation. Where for me, also a religious cult survivor, I would have expected nothing else.

Because it's not that Gideon thinks this new backstory EXCUSES what Harrow did. That's not the kind of forgiveness happening here. It's the realization that neither of them deserved to have their childhood stolen like that. Neither of them deserved to be so dehumanized, treated as nothing more than tools who should feel guilty for never being good enough.

But before that moment, Gideon clearly hadn't realized how fucked up Harrow's life had been, so she hadn't ever seen them on a similar level of victimhood.

Harrow lived an exaggerated form of the standard religious trauma that kids like me and Gideon experienced while growing up. The whole, "you, yes you, toddler, are sinful and deserving of eternal torment unless God shows you undeserved grace" experience.

I think it's easy for a fellow victim of that to sympathize like Gideon does, knowing so intimately how that kind of trauma fucks up a person. Even when a person turns their trauma into a weapon against others like Harrow did for so many years. It doesn't make the bullying acceptable, obviously, but it does make it worthy of sympathy instead of pure condemnation. Gideon finally realized that Harrow didn't act out of personal sadism, and that meant a lot for Gideon and how she sees Harrow.

Anyway there's just something inherently relatable to me when one victim sees another one, even and especially an imperfect victim, and still chooses to humanize them. Because that act of compassion is a rejection of the system that broke them both.

[vidavalor]

Hello!

Very often I see criticism mounted at Aziraphale that he treats Crowley like a pet or that he lords himself over Crowley by using his angelic status, reminding him constantly that he’s a demon. Obviously Aziraphale has character flaws as much as any other character but I’ve always found those criticisms harsh (harsher then any leveled against Crowley at least) and was wondering your thoughts?

Hi there. 💕 Thanks for the ask & hope that you're having a good start to your week. There are iced tea and sugar cookies today, if you're hungry.

These people certainly don't think much of Crowley if they think he'd be madly in love with someone who treated him poorly?

Crowley and Aziraphale are as tongue-in-cheek about their use of 'angel' and 'demon' as they are about any other Heaven/Hell terms that they use. Aziraphale doesn't actually know why he's still an angel when he's done more to "thwart the will of God" than most of the demons combined. Being an angel isn't something he's especially proud of-- it's more a source of pain and confusion for him. He does not treat Crowley like a pet-- I'm not even going to dignify that lunacy with a formulated response lol-- nor does he "lord his angelic status" over him because Aziraphale doesn't believe he has a superior status to Crowley. He adores Crowley.

Words like 'demon' and 'fiend' have multiple meanings. Not even just in the sense of Crowley and Aziraphale having a hidden language-- just currently in existence in our world. A demon is someone who is also someone who is very skilled in an area. A fiend is someone who is passionate about something or very focused with a real determination towards something. If you honestly look at a scene like the one below and think that you're watching Aziraphale "lord his angelic status" over Crowley, I'm afraid you might be missing the humor:

If anyone wants meta on just how healthy they are, you can wade through the Apology Dance-centric deep dive I posted yesterday which gets into both of them being wonderfully flawed characters. There are some other posts about Aziraphale and his various Heaven traumas in the pinned post on my blog but I'd say that most recent one is probably best suited for what you're talking about.

I suspect a certain amount of silly Aziraphale hate is just young people whose nascent sexualities have been stirred up by Crowley. Clearly, they have good taste where that's concerned. Can't fault them there. 😊 This stuff isn't new-- every fandom has it. There were people who thought Scully was toxic because she didn't believe in Mulder's every wackadoodle theory when, really, it was just the young having a bit of a sexual awakening around Mulder. Not being able to see both characters in a fictional romantic partnership as flawed is usually the byproduct of being young and having a crush on one of them.

When we more fully grown people develop crushes on fictional characters, we're a bit more objective about the fact that they're all disasters, if sexy disasters. 😂 We don't begrudge the fictional characters their fictional romantic partners and are mature enough/experienced enough with life to appreciate the romance. Cut the kids some slack. Crowley's tight jeans have just gone to their heads, is all. We've all been there. One day, they'll appreciate Aziraphale for the fucking brilliant character he is and see how he and Crowley are terrific together.

[pippenpaddlopsicopolisthethird]

Write twins better in three easy steps!

I meet so many people who act so stupid about this to my face, and I basically never see a set of identical twins that are well written in fiction, so here's a couple tips about identical twins. Mostly as a reference for writing them, but also so you can tell people to stop acting like an asshole to any twins you might know IRL.

FACT ONE:

Identical twins are two separate people.

Not one brain in two bodies

Not a hivemind that can read each other's thoughts

They don't speak in unison all the time (but might answer together if you address them as a collective and not an individual)

If they date they don't share the same partner

Can't be counted as one person for the sake of entry admission, airplane seating, employment, school tuition, or voting

Have their own names, even, and would prefer you use them instead of calling them both by the same collective name

I am eternally mad about We-Go from Kim Possible

FACT TWO:

Identical twins don't struggle telling themselves apart from each other. Your difficulty telling them apart is not something they have ever experienced themselves.

They understand the difference between looking at themself in the mirror and looking at their twin.

Yes, even as a young child.

No, they didn't have to learn the difference between a mirror and their sibling.

They never believe their twin to be themself.

They don't struggle to see themself as their own person.

They don't feel like they're looking at their own face all the time.

They don't have constant thoughts about how their sibling looks similar to themself.

The scene from The Parent Trap where one "twin" says 'OMG why do you look just like me??' just isn't realistic

FACT THREE:

Identical twins are, as a rule, not trying to actively deceive you and are sick of people assuming that.

Your difficulty in telling them apart does not mean they are trying intentionally to trick you or make you mess up

They also aren't trying to scare you or murder you and they won't like you if you tell them you're afraid of them

Dating a twin doesnt mean you're going to be parent-trapped (and if you can't tell your partner apart from their sibling, that's not a good look on you)

Some twins just go with the assumptions everyone else is making about them already and play into the stereotype, especially as kids

Literally every fictional pair of identical twins are tricksters already. Come up with something original.

Twins can still be compelling characters without leaning on these tropes

Writing a compelling pair of identical twins doesn't have to be hard if you either write them like other siblings, or understand that the stereotypes that circulate in fiction are some of the biggest issues they struggle against. Here are some good examples of compelling twin plots that I can think of, though not all of these characters are twins or identical:

Mabel's fear at the end of Gravity Falls that growing up meant that her brother would grow apart from her

Stanley Pines struggling to measure up to his parent's favoritism of his brother throughout childhood, but still dedicating his adult life to getting him back when he went missing

Ty Lee running away to join the circus so she could have an identity outside of her parents' curated "matched set" of siblings in AtLA

Vash and Knives in Trigun '99 experiencing the same childhood traumas and interpreting them differently, coming away from them with opposing ideologies in adulthood

Hikaru and Kaoru's trauma over being told they were interchangeable and their desire to find someone who would treat them as individuals in Ouran High School Host Club

[erisweekofficial]

Today we're highlighting @acourtofladydeath, creator and mastermind behind @polyacotarweek. She's written so many amazing pieces about Eris across multiple ships and genres. And if you find yourself wanting to explore other characters, she's got you covered with her masterlist of 30+ works on AO3.

🧡 Looking for something deeply emotional and poignant? Please start with LD's favorite fic, All Things End (Azris). 🎧 It even has a playlist. 🎧

🔥 If you're looking for a good horny time, try Welcome to the Family, which features Elain x Eris or Rules are Rules (Azris). You're in for a good time with those two. Especially if you like Beron.

Read on to learn more about LD's writing process + some advice for writing about Eris...

What themes do you like to explore in your work with Eris?

I really enjoy exploring the juxtaposition and depth of Eris. He needs to act a certain way to protect the people he loves and keep his place within the Autumn Court under his father. But does he want to act that way? How soft is he, or is he actually as mean as he seems? I like when he's a bit of both. I think he's a very protective person, and I enjoy exploring the different ways that manifests with different people. I also think he's experienced a lot of trauma in his life, and I'd be remiss if I didn't say I enjoy exploring that and how it influences both his external and internal persona.

What other characters do you enjoy writing about alongside Eris?

Three favorites, three different relationships: My favorite person to ship Eris with is Azriel, and I love writing different iterations of their relationship. Some are softer, others are spicier, and then there's the really sad takes. There's so much give and take with these two and it's so fascinating to play around with. I love writing Eris and Nesta as best friends. Their wit is so well matched, as is their lived experiences with their siblings and parents. They have so much overlap, and you can write them funny or feeling and any combination in betwell. Plus, who says friends can't fuck? Not me. The third person is Lucien. I really enjoy exploring their familial relationships. Were they close as kids? If they hate each other, have they always? How does this relate to their relationships with their parents and other brothers? There's so many different ways to skin this cat and I want to write them all.

What's your favorite piece you've created featuring Eris and why?

I hemmed and hawed over this question forever, but I think the fic that fits best is "All Things End." This fic is pure bittersweet angsty sadness. What if Beron's torture gave Eris incurable dementia? How would his mate, Azriel, their children, and Lucien handle the situation? CW for dementia, death, and grief. I created two playlists for this fic: one that's a direct accompaniment and another that's an extended cut. The direct playlist is timed to the reading length of the fic, and specific songs play during specific scenes to enhance the reader experience (AKA bring more tissues).

Do you have any advice for other creators wanting to make eris content?

Eris is a character that we don't know much about compared to others in the series. When I go to write him I start with what we do know: his father's abuse, he's a general, he protected Lucien, we don't have the whole story about the Mor situation. He's cunning, so you know that what you see isn't all there is. I like to build backward. What from canon do I want to focus on? How does canon tie into whatever type of fic I'm writing? Why does he act the way he acts, and how does that tie into his canon history and the plot/theme/characterization of my fic? This helps build up the layers that are so integral to who I think Eris is as a character. Complex, captivating, keeps you on your toes. And don't forget his gold jewelry.

[a-hundred-musings]

You know, here's a small rant from me: I hate it when Celebrimbor is shown to be a "softie-boy" or a "naïve child" or just... someone condescending and stupid. Like, yeah I'm guilty of it too (who isn't?) but it just makes me wonder why he's presented as that in fics anywhere.

I read this fic on AO3? Celebrimbor is a stupid duck. Or he's just very naïve and easy to prank. I read another fic? Celebrimbor is a whiny baby who can't stand up for himself. I read another one? He's a man-child.

Look, I get why he's presented in that way, but can we not do that? Especially considering the things this boy has gone through which really wouldn't make him a "child-like" person, but more of a mature adult who has experienced things no one should ever experience.

Before and during the First Age, he's experienced so much:

Nerdanel and Feanor falling out -- that basically messed up entire Aman back then, but mainly their kids, so imagine how Curufin would have reacted to that.

The feud between Feanor and Fingolfin and Finarfin

The time when Feanor threatened Fingolfin

The time when the Two Trees were destroyed

The time when Melkor killed his great-grandfather Finwe.

Feanor going Mad™

The uprising of the Noldor

The First Kinslaying

His grandfather going feral and his father and uncles swearing an oath on a literal suicide-mission

One of his youngest uncles getting burned and basically died (or lived, depends on which version you follow)

A time of literal darkness. Like, no light at all. It really messed up the psyche of so many people.

Feanor abandoning his brother on the shores of Valinor -- that would mess up anyone really.

A literal battle. Like, more blood is being shed -- not only of elves, but of other creatures Tyelpe has probably never seen or heard of before.

His grandfather being so consumed by his fire and spontaneously combusting. That too, he either saw or heard of Feanor literally bursting into flames -- that is pretty traumatising.

The crossing of the Helcaraxe -- no seriously, that would mess anyone up knowing that people they love are literally walking on glaciers and over deathly waters with a 50% chance of survival.

Maedhros being crowned King of the Noldor, and an unspoken fact that there is more than one king of the Noldor -- the political implications here...

The abduction of Maedhros. Need this be explained further?

His uncles and father being concerningly close to starting a whole world-war

The rising of the Sun and the moon (like, what are those big spheres in the sky? Are they something from Melkor? Are they a sign of the End™? What is it?)

The arrival of Fingolfin's group, with more dead and furious people.

The mental health of everyone deteriorating. No, I won't explain because this era was filled with bad times.

No one knowing what to do now, since Maglor was naturally crowned the Regent King of the Noldor, and he has his own problems.

After 34 years of wondering what on earth has happened to Maedhros, he returns scarred with no right hand, and presumed torture marks.

Everyone literally holding their breaths for what will happen next.

Maedhros surrendering his crown to Fingolfin. That would hurt bad like a blow.

Literally only a few years of peace filled with tension.

Fingolfin decides to kick Melkor's arse and dies.

The Nirnaeth Arnoediad.

The Second Kinslaying.

The Fall of Gondolin

Making the decision of abandoning his father and uncles, going on his own separate path.

The death of so many of his family members and father and uncles. That is messed up. The amount of psychological trauma he's already been through...

Like, imagine his guilt of not being there with his father, imagine how much he second-guessed his actions...

The Third Kinslaying. The deaths of more elves, his uncle (or uncles), and really, just more death.

The crown of the Noldor being passed on so many times until it reached Gil-Galad. Imagine the humiliation and just the shock of the realisation of the number of people who have been crowned within a span of a few centuries.

The kidnapping of Elrond and Elros. While it probably wouldn't harm Tyelpe's psychological health, it must have been pretty messed up to find out that your two remaining uncles have committed a few more war crimes.

The War of the Wrath. Now, while it was mainly against Men, there is no doubt that some elves have been killed due to the war (given Gil-Galad's camps etc), so imagine him getting into some stray fights with the orcs or those Men who follow Melkor.

The Fourth Kinslaying. No need to further elaborate.

The death of Maedhros, and Maglor becoming a cryptid. Who wouldn't that mess up?

Surviving the First Age. Like, give this Tyelpe the recognition he truly deserves. Give him a few rings and trophies for enduring so long and he still hasn't gone down to insanity. That too, all this happened within the span of like, 600 years.

The Second Age:

Beleriand is under the sea

His "cousins" (Elrond and Elros) going their separate ways

The death of Elros (I think this is pretty self-explanatory, given the numerous HCs on the twins and Celebrimbor)

No one has any idea what has happened to Maglor. Is he alive? Is he dead? Who knows.

Rumours of a sinister evil lurking in the shadows and really, some tensions are visibly arising.

He finds this very powerful and alluring stranger who knows quite a bit about the art of smithing. They collaborate despite warnings from Galadriel, Gil-Galad, Elrond and a few others.

After giving thought to make powerful rings, Annatar watches over as Celebrimbor makes the rings for Men and Dwarves.

Newsflash: Annatar wants the rings, and he tainted them.

Celebrimbor makes the 3 Elven Rings in secret so Annatar can't get to them, but he gets kidnapped and tortured.

Like, really badly tortured. Annatar wants those 3 rings.

Celebrimbor eventually is killed, and is impaled on a spear, then given to Gil-Galad's camp after years of torture.

He went straight to his family. Can't tell if this will add to his trauma, but still.

While he didn't survive the Second Age, this boy went through so much pain, and... really, I feel like he doesn't get much of the appreciation he deserves.

Thank you for coming to my little rant as to why we need more fics that paint Celebrimbor as someone who isn't a stupid and naïve child, but more of a wiser version of Feanor and Curufin. He is not a tantrummy baby, for Ilúvatar's sake!