#erm ill explain tho .

[aph-binch]

china, showing america’s instagram profile: do you think he’s cute?

india: no…..but maybe for the plot?

[jadetheblueartist]

JADEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

I FINISHED IT. I FINISHED EPIC THE MUSICAL AND IT IS SO SO SO GOOD!!! NSAXKJNCSDJKNADKJNCSDKJNCADKJANCDJKSNDCKJWDNCJK

OKAY FIRST OFF ODYSSEUS IS SO FUTURE LEO ITS INSANE.

AND SECOND JUST AGH THE WHOLE THING IS FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!! I WAS SO MAD WHEN HE DROPPED THE STINKING BABY. AND ALSO HE IS A GENIUS THE WHOLE I AM “NOBODY��� AND THE CYCLOPS BIT EVFNIHEFVNIHERFNIHREFNIRHE

WHEN STUPID WHATEVER HIS NAME IS (Best friend to Odysseus) DIED DURING SURVIVOR I WAS SO SAD. LIKE NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WHYYYYYY

OKAY I HAVE QUESTIONS FOR YOU!

Favorite song?

Favorite animatic? (If you watched them)

Any scenes you wanna explode about?

Any songs that remind you of Spider’s Web Widens (or just tmnt in general)?

ALSO WAIT DID ATHENA LITERALLY JUST DIE??? BRO. IJCDWNWDIJCNCDWJI

THIS IS SO LONG I NEED TO ADD A CUT

-NYEHEHE YES HE IS VERY FUTURE LEO CODED

-YES AND LIKE I LOVE HOW HE WENT FROM “I KEEP THINKING OF THE INFANT FROM THAT NIGHT” TO “AND IF I HAVE TO DROP ANOTHER I FANT FROM A WALL IN AN INSTANT SO WE ALL DONT DIE? THEN ILL BECOME THE MONSTER” BRO SWITCHED UP 😭

-OH MY GOSH YES POLITES BROOOOOO idk which version you listened to but due to some licensing issue maybe they updated the first two sagas and in the new survive song you can hear bro hit the ground and like fhshdvjsjdbsjsk

-Ummmmmm favorites are tricky so I’ll actually just give you lots hahaha (by saga of course)

Troy Saga: it’s gotta be the horse and the infant bc that’s such a nice starter and it was the first I’d heard of the musical and it got me hooked

Cyclops Saga: I really like my goodbye bc daaaaaaaang their friendship breakup thing makes me saddddd :((((

Ocean Saga: I LOVE ruthlessness it is just soooooo fantastically stimmy and crazy powerful (and keep your friends close is a close second)

Circe Saga: Done for is just the best song from two really powerful and cunning people going head to head and duking it out and like sggdhdkdhfjdkdkskd yeah yeah yeah

Underworld Saga: HANDS DOWN ITS NO LONGER YOU IVE LISTENED TO THAT SO MANY TIMES ITS INSANE (and you NEED to see the future Mikey animatic for this song bc it’s partially what got me hooked)

Thunder Saga: I love all of these ones it’s so hard to choose 😭 so much happened but I’ll say suffering and different beast bc when those two play uninterrupted one after the other, it is magnificent!!!! I love how he’s so silly in the first one and then so FREAKING ANGRY IN THE SECOND LIKE DHDHSHHSKS BUT THEN THERES SCYLLA I LOOOOOOOOVE THAT ONE

Wisdom Saga: I love the beginning of love in paradise however god games has my HEART I love I love I love!!! I especially really like Aphrodite her part is just so addictive shdhdjdhjsjd

AND THEN TECHNICALLY THE VENGEANCE SAGA AND ITHACA SAGA ARENT OUT YET SO I CANT SAY. However I am really looking forward to get in the water for the vengeance saga and the challenge for Ithaca saga (oooooooh also king from Ithaca saga)

And then if you’d like I’d love to hear your favorites ^^

-my favorite animatic is like all of them hahaha tho I especially like the ones Gigi does they’re so cooooool

-bruh literally all the scenes all the time man i swear October 31 i am gonna be actually going insane for that release

-erm okay sooooo yes for sure, Camille got no longer you as a song for her but that was first draft camille so it doesn’t really apply anymore 😭 buuuuut the underworld DEFINITELY DOES. Also I’m not sure if I should say, but the part of the Scylla song where she’s singing at them is pretty important and could be an animatic of her backstory one day perhaps

And this is sort of sww, but more so just all of the turtles together fighting as one. I imagine in survive when ody’s barking out orders that’s Leo being a leader (awww proud of him) and then everyone else is so in sync and their a well oiled machine and there would be individual shots of each of them doing a great job and just fhdhhsjshdhdhs it’s hard to explain but it’s awesome

OHMIGOSH IM SO CONCERNED IDK FHDJDHSJHDDHSJKSHDHD ITS SO VAGUE LIKE I GOTTA FIND OUT PLEASE

[autocann1bal]

part four of my playlist analysis!!

part 1 &lt;- part 2 &lt;- part 3 <- back into the soup we dive

somewhere only we know - keane lockwood takes them to a special spot and they have a nice picnic on a hill and cuddle on a picnic blanket <3 we're ignoring how sad the song actually is <33.

brooklyn baby - lana del rey oh please lockwood is so brooklyn baby by lana del rey you cant tell me hes not hes a posh little london boy and lucy's a girl who grew up in a rural town in the north theyre so brooklyn baby.

sunsetz - cigarettes after sex we're ignoring the sexual aspect of this song entirely <3 anyway theyre wandering around a park just before the sunset, just being silly and cute <333. like real people do - hozier look i know we've had plenty of locklyle sleepy morning and sleepy nights but this one is DIFFERENT OK. they wake up in lockwoods bed after a rough night of panic attacks from both of them, they fell asleep in eachothers arms. lucy tries to get up without disturbing him and he, still asleep, holds her tighter and kisses her forehead. she stays till he wakes up and they kiss <333 domesticity my beloved. its called: freefall - rainbow kitten surprise george and lucy talking methinks. it just feels like a serious conversation between them. my kind of woman - mac demarco lockwood just heart-eyes-ing at lucy while she files papers in the basement or smth idk just lockwood pathetic simp mode, as usual <33. i was all over her - salvia palth lmao lockwood hopeless simp time but sad edition. the way he looks at her, like shes all hes ever wanted, all he ever will want, but the knowledge that she may never be his. this gets even worse after she starts helping him with his panic attacks, he feels like hes using her. francis forever - mitski lockwood, alone in his room, every night after lucy left. he cant get her out of his head and hes to afraid to ask george for help, for fear george will tell him to suck it up and move on (which of course would never happen). those where some rough nights for lockwood. the beer - kimya dawson lucy breakdown song (real) (not clickbait) (im definitely not writing this instead of my essay waht are you talking about) i want you - mitski lucy, longing for lockwood more than anything, but shes so deathly afraid that holly is replacing her. diet mountain dew - lana del rey ok it doesnt. really fit their dynamic i dont think but it just sounds so right ykwim? good looking - suki waterhouse hes her good looking boy!!! this song is so them just read the lyrics <33. 4 morant - doja cat erm. uhm. haha. i mean. yea. erm. so. hee hee. lockwood vibes. harness your hopes - b-side - pavement that whole 'hold me just like the morning paper' line is so simp-y lockwood <3333. dirty night clowns - chris garneau different. vibe from the last song uhhh. do i have to explain. move me - half.alive THEY ARE SO HALF.ALIVE I CANT EXPLAIN IT ITS JUST THEM. i mean the literal first line of this song is 'i never told, you never asked' which is quite literally them in episode 6 so. i wanna be yours - arctic monkeys just lockwood being a simp again and who can blame him lucy is so <333. britrock - mccafferty uh oh more mccafferty time. this song is just so lucy i dont know why it just is im sorry. im not sorry. after dark - mr. kitty sad vibes. theyre both in the dark just lying together in lockwoods bed. not even talking just together. thinking. ill call you mine - girl in red do i have a personal vendetta against this song?? yes. will it stop me from using it for Them TM?? absolutely not. cute domestic roadtrip vibes fight me. i want to be with you - chloe moriondo this one is self explanatory. bedroom ghost - flower face oops different vibe. lucy shower breakdown? no, lockwood shower breakdown :sunglasses:. privately owned spiral galaxy - crywank (specifically the lovejoy cover tho) mmm lockwood thinking alone in his room song methinks. christ alright, part 5 ig im so sorry this is so long i feel so bad dfhgfkjg

[soukokutruther]

im not waiting for anyone to ask me, im just infodumping ab dazai

i like him for a lot of reasons !! it usually starts out that i relate to characters, which is how it started w dazai too, but really idk bro he just makes me so sad and idk how to explain i just LOVE DAZAI hes my baby hes my pookie ill die for him thats all anyone needs to know

i have a lot, but id say probably that he likes cats/is compared to cats a lot, and is good with children, i just find it very sweet. also i love his style, and i love how intelligent he is.

how he treated akutagawa, although i dont blame him since he was like, a child, who didnt know how else to act due to how he was raised and grew up, too, although it still doesnt excuse it, and its still my least fav thing about him.

tokyo ghoul

dove- doll version (antihoney),

elements of my past (metaphorically, i wasnt in the mafia obviously 😭), cats >>> dogs, secretive, im not dazai smart but i mean id say im pretty intelligent 🤷🏻, mindset, um !! other stuff !! 🥰

i like how deeply they analyze him in order to understand him better and dont water him down to just "sad suicidal bandage man" (like ive seen some ppl do)

erm... i dont like how the rest of them water him down to sad suicidal bandage man. i also hate when people say hes a bad person, because hes not, the whole point of bsd is that most if not all characters are morally gray, and although dazai did things that were in fact, not okay, its not so black and white to be like "omg fuck he sucks hes a terrible character" (obviously u can still dislike him bc everyone has an opinion and thats okay but like as a character hes a lot more than just a bad person 😭 in fact id say hes grown to be a very good person)

i could see it tbh

i could also def see it (atsushi kinnie moment fr)

meh maybe, im more of a chuuya and poe guy tho 😁

i have a lot, i hc him to be an age regressor, and also i hc him to be autistic + transmasc. also hc that when they were in the mafia and chuuya found out dazai was living in a shipping container chuuya forced him to move in w him :3

i could see him using this all the time 🤕 and also :P he def sends that as kunikida screams at him over text lmfao

light academia

soukoku OBVIOUSLY, im THE soukoku truther (i also like sigzai but just for fun tbh, and i LOVE souheki but i see them as a qpr more than a ship. i dabble in kunizai every now and again as well)

i have a lot of least favs 💀 prob dazatsu and odazai, theyre both so wrong for so many reasons 😭

fyozai, im 50/50 on it because i can see it, but also idk what it is i just cant rly get myself behind it

soukoku !! <333 its not canon theyre a ship, but they do have a very beautiful canon relationship, whatever the dynamic of it may be

fyozai...

dazatsu !! i love them as best friends, theyre so sweet :)

i love to do a lot of things when writing dazai lmfao, i love to write dazai agere/petre fics, i love to make him sad and depressed mwahahahaha, i love to just make him suffer honestly (but its okay its always hurt/comfort i wouldnt do that to pook) !! but also im not evil (mostly), i love to make him pet kitties in fics/draw him w cats, i love writing him going out to bookstores and reading, i love writing autistic dazai, transmasc dazai, i love describing his eyes and how he looks in the moonlight, i just love writing ab dazai tbh. smth i dont like ?? idk making him cis, dazai is transmasc to me and will never be anything else tyvm have a good day 👍🏻

honestly the same things as before, i write what i wanna read lmfao

fav pic, i do have one, i just dont feel like getting it rn sry :3

honestly dazai is rly unique ive never quite come across another character like him 😭 i do think of him when i see lucky from acnh tho hehe

loved him from when i first laid eyes on him, will die loving my pookie <333

CHARACTER ASK GAME!!! 💫

Send a character + one or more of these question!

1. Why do you like or dislike this character?

2. Favorite canon thing about this character?

3. Least favorite canon thing about this character?

4. If you could put this character in any other media, be it a book, a movie, anything, what would you put them in?

5. What's the first song that comes to mind when you think about them?

6. What's something you have in common with this character?

7. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you like?

8. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you despise?

9. Could you be roommates with this character?

10. Could you be best friends with this character?

11. Would you date this character?

12. What's a headcanon you have for this character?

13. What's an emoji, an emoticon and/or any symbol that reminds you of this character or you think the character would use a lot?

14. Assign a fashion aesthetic to this character.

15. What's your favorite ship for this character? (Doesn't matter if it's canon or not.)

16. What's your least favorite ship for this character?

17. What's a ship for this character you don't hate but it's not your favorite that you're fine with?

18. How about a relationship they have in canon with another character that you admire?

19. How about a relationship they have in canon that you don't like?

20. Which other character is the ideal best friend for this character, the amount of screentime they share doesn't matter?

21. If you're a fic writer and have written for this character, what's your favorite thing to do when you're writing for this character? What's something you don't like?

22. If you're a fic reader, what's something you like in fics when it comes to ths character? Something you don't like?

23. Favorite picture of this character?

24. What other character from another fandom of yours that reminds you of them?

25. What was your first impression of this character? How about now?

26. FREEBIE QUESTION!!

[oddvanilla]

i would not fucking DARE to break off with friends i see in SCHOOL. everyday With THE COPYPASTE. like of you are a moofbreaker at least WRITE SOMETHING NORMALL LIKE YHE AUDACITY OF JUST. SEND THE SMAE TUING I WOULD DIEE do you remember dasha?? liek i never shed a single tear about here but wthh like she cluld go for something betger than me😩😩😩 she doesnt deserve you and youe friends

WHEN I SAID IGNORE I MEANT A GIRL WHO LOWKEY MAKES FUN OF ME BUT IGNORUNG EX FRIENDS IS EVEN WORSEEE like i have no idea what my relationship with my ex very good friend are like we lowkey greetes each other when she woekes at the museum camp but GOD I DIDNT TALK TO HER NORMALLY FOR MONTHS BECUASE I SAW THAT SHE WWSNT ANSWERING WHEN I WAS TALKING i miss here she is my best school friend's tiny ahh town friend like they knew eavhother in primary so itss weied.. ALSO my closest frenemy a bit of a friend switched schools erm tahys weird.. im kinda okay with that cause she makes me uncomfortable so often but i love here still IDKKK friendships are harddd...

also i finished reading a fanfic like A LONGG ONE and the end(of the first work in the series) WAS SOO FUCKINGAKWARD EMBERASSING ITS NOT BAD I JUST WANTE TO KILL MYSELF LIKE I LITERALLY CALLED MY FRIEND AND MADE HET READ THIS OUT LOUF CAUSE J CANT. JUST CANT stupid gays

a

DUDE??? THIS STUFF CAN BE LIKE A WHOLE FANFIC IF YOU TRY HARD ENOUGH. IT HAS POTENTIALLLLL. ALSO I FIND IT VERY COOL HOW YOU CAN DRAW AND I CAN WRITE LIKE THATS PERFECT?? TODAY AT CLASS I WAS DRAWING THE GIRL THAT SITS INFRONT OF ME. WHO I SHARE A VERY DRAMATIC HISTORY WITH...ILL TRY TO EXPLAIN IN AN EASY WAY

There's this kid who's the top of the class. Like the nerdiest of em all. She's very very VERY smart. she also hates my guts. 2 reasons: 1- I'm class president and she's vice even tho she's probably better than me..and 2- she thinks I steal her "spotlight" because I have a better relationship with most teachers..

The girl who sits in front of me is friends with the topper UNFORTUNATELY and she hated me too for 2 years even though she never talked to me in her LIFE and she was just forced to hate me on her first day..so one day these two FOUGHT and they did what nobody would and they talked to each others enemies😭 so of course the girl Infront of me talked to me and surprisingly we got along VERY well?? I didn't even KNOW why that topper hated me I just know she does and that girl literally told me everything...

For the longest time I have been her academic rival like we always try to beat eachother in competitions like art or public speaking...once we BOTH got 1st place in a speaking competition which was crazy tbh. But YEAH it literally became an academic rivals to lovers story LMAO she's so funny and when I found out this year she'll sit next to me I knew this would be TERRIBLE because not only do I talk alot to both my friends who sit next to me..but I'll also be yapping my soul off with her when she's very DISTRACTING. yeah..I DONR KNOW WHY I ALWAYS TELL LONG STORIES I JUST LOVE LONG POSTSS

[foxtriestobiteandmaimandkilland]

ok dude but like sometimes having special interests but being also so dumb is sooo fucking painful like i fucking love cats and i fucking love minecraft but like i cant fuckin infodump to anyone bc im SO dumb. like. theyll find out how much i love cats and be like Oh Cool Tell Me Some Cool Cat Facts. and ill be like. erm. they go meow. and my cat. has meows that mean. different things. but i cant explain them. its just. a vibe. his vet meow sounds. yearning. his food meow sounds. pissed off. his hello meow sounds like the sun on morning dew. hes cute. and theyll be like Oh yeah i knew that, how cats have different meows !!! and ill be like Oh. um. they also. have tails. that move. and theyll be like. Oh. Okay. and ill be like. umm. okay. do u wanna hear abt minecraft instead. and theyll be like Yeah Sure !! and ill be like. so. um. You can place blocks. and Also theres worldbuilding. um. and theres. Structures like. jungle temples. and theyll be like. yeaaa i play minecraft. and ill be like. Yeah. Lots of people do. and theyll be like. So this is your special interest ?? and ill be like. Yeah. like minecraft a lot. and cats. minecraft cats exist btw. and theyll be like. yeah theyve been in the game for ages. I mean you must know a lot about minecraft. do you know when they were added ? and ill be like. no. dont remember. there was water in 2019 though. i think. or 2018.  and. there was nether in 2020. then there were some more updates. and theyll be like. um. okay. do u wanna play mario kart. and ill be like. ok but im not good at video games. and theyll be like. dude isnt playing video games like one of the 3 activities u ever do. and ill be like. yea. and theyll be like. How Are You Bad At Video Games. and ill be like. um. well. i kinda just. am. and then we’ll play mario kart and ill forget the controls halfway through and lose every round bc my hands are never steady and my reaction time is really bad and im thinking about how guilty i feel for not actually knowing any good cat facts and basically being a casual minecraft player because im so bad at it and know nothing about it. and then theyll be like. Yea Do You Wanna Stop Now You Dont Seem To Be Having Fun. and then ill be like. no i am having fun. we can stop though. and theyll be like. cool man. wanna get some snacks. and ill be like. yea. gotta get home in 30 minutes tho. and theyll be like. cool. wanna play minecraft together when u get there. u have java right. and ill be like yea yea i do. we can play. and then ill get home and we wont play and they wont respond to my texts and ill go downstairs and see my brother playing minecraft and see him playing it really well even, and better than i ever could and then ill look at my cat and realise even though i know him well, i know him in a way that i could never explain to someone else, and then well go outside and ill throw the little apples that fell off the apple tree at him in a way that he likes to play with and ill move dead leaves through the grass for him to chase and ill check my phone and They wont have responded and ill just think about minecraft and cats

[peculiar-shardscape]

honestly tho, can you list all the aus that you had made? its ok if you dont im just curious how many had you done.

- ❖

You say this like I can remember them at the top of my head (I cannot)

Uhhh I also have a LOT of scrapped ones too but the Not scrapped ones are

AF2:

-Invertedverse (everything is inverted and Stratosfear is an asshole)

-Walk Beyond Insanity (prepoint storyline, i am Not using the prepoint names though out of spite but basically Ulipse finds out they can use dark magic, runs away from maytown, comes back years later and all hell breaks loose)

-Future/Past (Stratosfear fucked shit up and everyone has to go and fix it, timelines are fucked but who cares at this point)

-Insomniac (los animales)

-Dreams and Memories (MY FIRST EVER MADE ROBLOX AU ACTUALLY, basically af2 but you travel through Memories of the Points and also Sterneedle is there)

-Dreamcatcher!AU (on edge about this one because an exfriend associated with this one SUPER heavily /neg. but erm. Asshole oc Detelle fucks shit up, everyone's symbols can turn into cool weapons and also Detelle should kill themse-)

-PROJECT FUSION (fusions. lots of fusions. technically not an AU but I like fusions. A lot.)

SPR:

-Colourdrained (Octave goes batshit)

-That one Antagonist Aaron au that i never gave a name (self explanatory)

-Substantial Consequences (i literally NEVER spoke of this EVER but 1x and Sphara has this fucked up goop in a jar that was too dangerous so they hid it away but years later 1x accidentally lets fucked up goop out and shit goes wrong)

-Spiral Out of Control (One of my favs, kind of hard to explain though... Magic and ... Racism. Yeah)

Bonus crossover is Fight or Flight which is a crossover of AF and SPR (It's kind of like. tied into my Game Changer species that I made but basically everyones forced in a team game and they need to survive and shit. everyone has a partner and if One partner dies, the other is eliminated, also they share pain so if one gets punched in the stomach, the other feels that punch too. Shit's cool. Game Changer guy is actually a dad)

PHIGHTING:

-Colorverse (My dumbass didnt know what colors meant so basically every class is a species and everyone is in colored teams and I have a whole entire google slide about it)

-COLORBARS but that's also Colorverse so idk (Copybox goes apeshit and everyone gets brainwashed)

-That one apocalyptic AU that I literally never touched ever again (los animales but violent but also they like people who have some sort of physical "deformation" (broken horns, missing limbs etc))

If anyone wants anymore lore on certain aus, feel free to ask. im ill

[void-chara]

#if you have specific questions feel free to ask me!! i think i have a pretty good grasp of s4. especially late s4#tho i do agree the whole thing is very confusing..#< prev#hi void! ^^#id rewatched s4 like three times already#and were there any secret agreements between havocs after spoke got an op#for example a reeeally big chunk of spoke and vis stories contradict each other#its more just that different out-of camera moments are explained in ten different ways all of which can be wrong#did parrot actually lost all of the hearts before the wormhole and if no why the fuck he said that#or how big part of ourples vs zam problem were just straight up misscomunications and geniune mistakes#did vi actually believe in what he had said and how little of the power he really had?#or what exactly had happened between havocs on the dupe war under the rug#like i can answer to it by myself and have very valid reasons to think in one way or another but ill never be sure#some of it could be already answered like on twitter discord or just in vods i havent watched idk#messed up with the tags a little lol

erm. i may have overestimated my ability to help.. it has been longer than i realized since i rewatched most of this stuff...

so, off the top of my head, i cannot recall any extra agreements between spoke and parrot after spoke got op, beyond just the "if you survive i show you the control room" stuff? im pretty there were a few times when spoke did things to help parrot during wormhole, but that was just to draw things out and make it more interesting, not based on any agreement as far as i can recall. not confident about this tho, if anyone wants to correct me here then feel free

in general when spoke and vitalasy contradict each other with video explanations, i am more inclined to believe vitalasy, because spoke is well-known to lie and misrepresent things for the sake of making a good video. lots of lifestealers do it, but spoke is one of the worst offenders imo. im pretty sure in spokes explanation stream he did after the wormhole video, he said outright that there were things he lied about in the video for the sake of a better narrative? could be misremembering tho, i dont think i ever rewatched that stream after the first time i saw it live. i know theres at least a few things where the timelines and events spoke states in his video blatantly contradict things shown on stream, or more subtly contradict what i assume to be the truth based on other stream things.

i. dont think parrot lost the hearts before the wormhole? i am pretty sure he was giving them out to 3ht during the event, and they had a lot, which is why later in the event spoke banned the heart items? i cant remember anyone saying parrot lost the hearts prewormhole(tho i do believe you that someone did) and i dont feel like rewatching videos rn to check, who said that?

purpleduo zam miscomunications! oh boy i do know plenty about this i think. vitalasy did in the book lie to zam about there being a bedrock farm in the end, but i also find it easy to believe vitalasy forgot, or copypasted something in the book wrong, and genuinely believed later on that he had been honest with zam.

vitalasy was most honest with zam(most honest in that this is the thing he lied to zam the about the least, and most honest in that zam is the one he told the most about this compared to what he told the wormholers) about his motivations for the wormhole project, which were that he wanted to do this to help save minecraft. i cant remember exactly how much he told zam, but he was definitely pretty honest with him about it.

as for how much power vitalasy told zam he had, iirc he said a bunch of contradicting stuff? im pretty he would talk about him being in charge of and able to reign in ash and spoke, and make sure they didnt cause too much trouble, and then also other times talk about how he couldnt control them and shouldnt be blamed for their actions. i think it is true that this was originally vitalasys project, and before spoke got operator vitalasy might have been able to stop him. after spoke got op, i dont think there was anything vitalasy could have done, but i dont think spoke had it yet when zam was still on eclipse fed and so vitalasy wasnt at the time wrong in saying he could do something. but, also, i dont think vitalasy ever actually would have tried to stop the wormhole. he wasnt lying about his ability to reign in spoke and ash, he was lying about his intent to do so. this had been vitalasys goal for months, since before the season started, it was too late to back out now. if he stopped, everything hed done would have been for nothing. he had to do this, in his mind, for the good of minecraft as a whole. he compromised some aspects of his plan for zam, but i dont think hed ever have actually tried to halt the whole entire thing. what he wanted to do was stop spoke&ash from doing things so early and clumsily, not stop the project entirely. When he says he has influence over this project, what hes lying about isnt that he could do something to change it, maybe even stop it, but rather the lie is that he ever intended to stop it at all. it isnt a lie about his power so much as it is a lie about how he intends to use it.

all of this contradiction is further complicated by vitalasys choice to play a character in lifesteal. lifestealers dont really do character/creator divides, at least not very strongly. but vitalasy wanted to pull off the wormhole project, and he also wanted to tell a story about fighting the wormhole. character!vitalasy is very distinct from vitalasy-the-player, in a way that doesnt really work on lifesteal. so when he says he has influence over this project, and its for the greater good, this is vitalasy the player talking, and when he says he wants to stop this too, hes trying his best, but theres nothing he can do, that is c!vitalasy. but lifesteal doesnt really do characters, and if you know that someone else is part of something, and they say over and over that they arent, then you arent gonna think theyre playing a character who has access to less information, youre just gonna think theyre lying. aaugghhg its so. man. oiugh. s4 vitalasy. anyway yeah. vitalasy(the player) did work with spoke to bring about the wormhole. and vitalasy(the character) did try to fight against the wormhole, try to stop it. and this distinction makes it complicated to define what counts as him lying.

havoc dupe war. errm. well. yeah spoke and parrot staged that and then didnt include staging it in their videos because the story worked better without that information. bacon mentioned in s5 on a zam stream that this is what happened, heres a link to where they talk about it [link] link should take you to the specific timestamp, but if i did it wrong, go to 2:50:45

sorry if this was not super helpful, i probably should have tried to rewatch vods or something to help with my answers, but alas, i am too busy for all that. sorry if i got something wrong, if anyone wants to correct me on anything then feel free

it feels like i still have no fucking idea what had actually happened in s4.

[cheryyori]

NIGHTMARE EYES PT. 1

pairing(s): steven grant/fem!oc for this part mainly (platonic dane/fem!oc, mentions of dane/sersi, eternals reference mentioned)

summary: Sunny Lee is adjusting to living in London, and a fearful encounter with a ghost leads her to hiding out at the British Museum on her way home from work.

warning(s): mental health illness, possible inaccurate depictions of DID (I tried my best to research tho in spare time, also based on events in the show), horror elements, gore/blood elements

author's note: ok so here my fic idea, but it's bare bones bc I haven't been in the best mood to write this down properly but I wanted to share this idea with everyone else. It's very messy so sorry about that. Probs some gaps in between but I'll fill it in a more edited version.

Other than that enjoy this word vomit bullet point for my fic idea.

Red italicized is Izanami either speaking or in Sunny's head & italicized is speaking in Korean

NEXT》

5 years. 5 years had passed since the Snap. Half of the entire population of the Earth disappeared. And only 1 year since the Avengers correct that.

5 years, yet it felt like 5 seconds to her. She remembers being in her room. Her brother had just turned 18 last she saw him. He'll be 24 in less than 2 months from now. She was supposed to be 34 but Sunny Lee still sees herself as 28, it was the age she last remembered her to be prior to the Snap.

The Blip returned the missing other billions of people on Earth, but there was still the aftermath to deal with. People lost their jobs, homes, their livelihood from the past 5 years. Sunny was fortunate enough that her parents still lived in the same house she disappeared in before explains to her what happened.

And with her return, a voice screeched so loudly in her head.

"Thank goodness, that you're back! Ungrateful that the other gods from the other pantheons did nothing to restore the balance of life and death?! Absolutely wretched--"

"Shut up."

Ok that was a bad idea to say that to a goddess, but her head was spinning. Thankfully the voice didn't say any more, she assumed that the goddess knew that her mind was still processing things..

What did her parents and siblings mean that 5 years has passed? It was still 2018 right? Right?!

Unfortunately it was not, its now 2024, a year passed since then and now Sunny is living in London. A new work opportunity arrived through her old college friend Dane. Said that there was a teaching position open to teach kids about palentology, her second love next to photography and painting. Blame Jurassic Park for that.

She took it, not like she had any other options since her old job unofficially let her go within the last 5 years she was gone. Great.

So here she was.

"Ugh. What a day." Another day of teaching. She didn't mind though, the kids were nice and they were interested in today's topic.

"Rough day with the kids?" Dane asked. The two were off and were walking down the road to the bus.

"When is it not? I love the kids but sometimes they're a bit to rowdy for me. Maybe I should switch to teaching college student like you."

"Well you know me, children make me nervous."

"So I've heard many times before," she scoffed. A sudden silence fell among them before she spoke again, "anyways how are you holding up? You know with Sersi and, erm, well...."

Though she wouldn't have believed herself unless she saw it (and she did while the 3 of them were walking home from work when some creature attacked them, and she thought she had it bad with the ghosts, she also admitted to Dane that she sees ghost, he took it oddly well), but Dane girlfriend was apparently an alien wizard? Well maybe not a wizard (but her tricks sure damn make her seem like one) but an alien for sure.

She had apparently been taken back by...whatever that thing was that took her. And apparently Dane hadn't been doing to well. How could she blame him, they were the sickly epitome of the "honeymoon phase" it was obvious he was devastated he couldn't do anything.

"My best...as best I can really," lately Dane had been distant. Their usually nightly talks on the phone were cut short along with their Tuesday night karaoke and drinks which had all ceased together. Sunny thinks it's because of what happened with Sersi so she didn't push.

"Ok. Ok," she nods, she didn't want to say anymore. Or at least nothing he haven't heard before. She can relate to what it's like to lose someone. Although Sersi wasn't dead, not to their knowledge at least (they're hopeful that she still alive, but maybe imprisoned of sorts with the other remaining Eternals that were on Earth).

"Well what about you, last we talked, you were complaining about being a bit lonely."

"Oh let it go. I was going through a sad episode after watching my dramas," she groaned as the atmosphere around them lightened a bit.

"Perhaps it's time to go on a date, you know use those silly old dating apps instead of letting the voice in your head lead you to the catacombs" oh pass! No way she'll do that.

"Yeah no, I don't think so...." she mutters.

"Fine well then at least try to meet new people, I'm worried that I'm the only friend you have." Ouch. Harsh but true.

"You are the only friend I have."

"See!" "Don't see me! You know exactly why you're my only friend! You think people can accept the notion of someone seeing ghosts so easily like you?!"

The two continued bickering until a cab pulled up before them.

"Are you sure you don't want me to see you home?" Dane asked, "You know I wouldn't mind."

"I'm fine, I've been doing this since I've gotten here, plus I doubt the God in my head would let me die from some petty mugging," she told him, pushing him into the cab first, insisting that she'll just take the next one.

Dane seemed apprehensive, but relented after threatening her to text him as soon as the next cab arrived and once she was home (or if any trouble happens, thought it went unsaid).

Once he was gone, she stood in place, waiting for the next cab. She was alone with her thoughts, oddly it was peaceful not to hear the goddess' voice every second and to also not be forced to help a very deadly ghost pass onto the next life.

She notices the headlights of a cab come close and raises her hand to hail it over when she took notice of a woman just a few feet away from her.

Huh. How come she didn't notice the woman before? The cab was nearing close, and usually Sunny would let the woman go first, but she's tired and also clearly exhausted. Plus it was late and she was here first.

"Excuse me, I hate to be like this but I was hear first," she said slowly, the woman turned her head. Odd, why would anyone be wearing sunglasses at night?

An odd chill ran down her spine as she shifted in her place uncomfortably. I mean, the woman did see her waiting for the cab first right?

"I mean...you did see me standing here first right?" She voiced her thoughts out. There was a short silence before the woman replied.

"I didnt..." the woman's hand reached toward her glasses before pulling it off, "I can't see."

She lets out a yelp before using one hand to cover her mouth. In place of where the woman's eyes were supposed to be, were instead two bloodied, gouged out holes. HOLY FUCKINF SHIT!! She wants to cry, she's gonna fucking cry!

She took a step back as the ghost had her hands out, trying to find where Sunny was.

She stared at the ghost, slowly inching more and more away until her feet accidentally knocked some trash over, gaining the ghost attention and grabbed her arm, making her jump.

A scream left her lips as she tore her arm away from the ghost and fell backwards. Forget the damn cab! She need to gtfo of here now!

Without a second thought she got back up (stumbling a bit) and turned back to run, God knows where though.

Tbh maybe should should have thought this through as she ran down the streets with a blind ghost slowly following behind but the fear when the ghost had grabbed her made her lose all rationale honestly

While Sunny was running away in panic, a certain Goddess watching, shaking her head.

"Hm, its always the scary ones she attracts hm?" The goddess mumbles before following after.

Tbh she had been running for a bit now and she could still hear the ghost trailing slowly behind. Maybe she needed a place to hide while the ghost passes.

Sure, but where the fuck is she gonna hide at?? She glanced across the street and saw the British Museum. She quickly makes her way to the front to see it was still open despite it being so late. Great, hiding spot found!

She didn't waste time as she slipped through the door, crouching behind a pillar close to the entrance. She waited as she saw the ghost across the street. A few moments of lingering before the ghost disappeared into a different direction. Oh thank god--

"Hello?" She lets out a scream as she turned to see a man with dark curls and very tired brown eyes.

The man jumps at her scream, dropping the two boxes he was carrying in his hands and was trying to calm her down, "Oh god, I'm so sorry I shouldn't have snuck up on you like that! I'm such a bloody knob!" He apologized. Sunny calmed herself, taking a deep breath and placed one hand on the pillar she was leaning on and the other one her hips.

"Oh God, no, I-um-" she took another deep breath before turning to him. Oh shit, its her cute neighbor! And here she was looking like a mess in front of him, so much for making a good first conversation with him.

"Um, it's fine, sorry," she said again, "I was...erm I was just hiding out for a bit, you know?" She shrugged not really trying to give out anymore info than needed.

"Oh? Like from some shoddy ex or something like that?" He guessed. Oh great, a perfect lie to bounce off of now! Thank you cute neighbor!

"Yeah, something like that," she lied. You know like a liar. She cleared her throat before standing up straight, "Again, I'm sorry for screaming like that, I was kinda pumped full of adrenaline from running to find a hiding spot."

"Oh no, it's quite alright, I should be the one to apologize, I don't know why I thought it'd be smart of me to sneak up on a very pretty woman like you, you just seemed familiar for a moment that's all," he said, rambling over his words.

What? She blinked, taking in his words before saying: "You think I'm pretty????" The way his eyed grew comically large would have made her laugh if it weren't for the fact she's still a bit on edge from the ghostly encounter she had (and maybe slightly stunned from his comment).

"O-oh well, I mean yes, but-oh bullocks, I mean I'm sure you've probably heard this before from others, yeah?" He stutters, a big flush on his cheeks. She blinks.

"You're cute, bus boy," she says. Well at least they both made a fool out of themselves in front of each other.

"Sorry?" He blinks this time.

"Um, well we're neighbors, kinda, we also take the same bus every morning, sometimes you sleep on my shoulders when you sit down next to me." And you're cute but she doesn't say it out loud this time.

Hearing this his face becomes even more red upon hearing this. "Oh bloody-! No wonder you look familiar, I'm terribly sorry about that, I didn't mean to fall asleep on you--"

"Its fine, you looked like you needed it so I didn't bother waking you up usually," she answered with a smile.

She glanced at the fallen box filled with assortment of items, paperweight, plushies, and some other trinkets, "Oh god I'm sorry, here let me help you!"

"No, no, it's fine-" he tried to stop her but she's already reaching down to pick everything up for him, and picked up one of the boxes, "Its fine, it was my fault to begin with, me sneakin' up on you."

"Its alright, it's the least I could do for making you drop everything, I did look kinda suspicious hiding over here."

"Maybe just a bit," Ooh, he's a little sassy one huh. She lets out a soft chuckle.

"Sorry," she says, still holding the box in hand before realizing, "O-oh uh, where would you like me to put these at?" she asks. He blinks as if he in deep thought before she spoke to him.

"Oh yes, right! Well if you're going to be stubborn about it," he led her back to the gift shop where he was planning on restocking before the end of his shift. He stumbles overs his words as he introduced himself. Steven Grant. Steven with a V, he added.

Cute, she thinks.

She followed him where he told her that he worked at the museum's gift shop.

"Really meet any interesting people that stop by?" She asked.

"Not really," he shrugged, "Usually, just the normal tourists and students from school trips, but even then they don't seem as interested in most of the exhibits," he sighs, placing one box on the front table. She did the same with the box in her hands and noticed how Egyptian theme was their main seller.

"Cute," she mutters as she picked up a hippo plushie, playing with its arms. Steven smiles as she handed the plush to him.

"Not exactly accurate if you ask me, yeah?" He says, "This is supposed to be the goddess Taweret. She represents motherhood and childbirth, there's myths of her having a violent nature hence why shes usually depicted as a hippo," Steven explains before moving onto the plushie of Anbuis. Sunny smiled and nodded as he went off an Egyptian tangent.

She was impressed and genuinely intrigued, he was like walking Egyptian Wikipedia. The way his eyes lit up as he talked about Egypt was endearing, it made him more lively. Thinking on this, she found it odd if he knew so much on ancient Egyptian civilization and culture.

"Why are you a gift shopist if you know so much about Egypt?" She couldn't help but ask, "I'm sorry but wouldn't you be best suited as maybe one of the tour guides instead?" Once she saw him visibly deflate she felt her heart clench.

"Unfortunately no one's interested in me being a tour guide, too bloody useless as my boss always says," SAYS WHO?!

"Wae?! Who said that huh?! I dont think you're useless Steven, maybe a little dorky but definitely not useless," she said, "If you ask me, I think you'd make a great tour guide!"

He was startled by the sudden Korean, but his eyes lit up at what he did understand, cheeks now pink, "You think so?"

"Of course, anyone who take one look at you when you talk about Egypt would know how knowledgeable you are," she said.

Steven smiles at her, eyes bright and wide. She felt her heart burst at how absolutely stunning he looks.

"I'm sorry I realize we've been talking for a bit but I haven't gotten your name," he said.

"Oh. Oh! Right, I'm Sunny," he give her a look, "It's not actually my name, its a nickname since people tend to mispronounce my name often," she added.

Sunny, cute nickname, he thinks.

"Yeah, I can relate with others not getting your name right too," he mutters. Remembering how his coworkers barely remember to get his name right. Before he could say anything else, a loud voice interrupted two.

Apparently it was his boss, a short blonde woman that kept chewing on some gum. Sunny frowned as she berated Steven. How could anyone be mean to someone so cute like him? He was a precious puppy.

She's gonna protect this puppy now.

His boss continued to chew him out for bothering the guest. He makes himself look small, a stark contrast to how he looked just minutes earlier as she continued to berate and call him useless.

She didn't like that at all.

"Actually, I'm just waiting for Steven to finish up soon, we have plans to grab some late night tea and snacks before heading back home," Sunny said. The woman looks up at her, eyeing her up and down.

"Stevie, I didn't think you'd had it in you," his boss said, "Or any friends for that matter." Tf does that supposed to mean?! He's a literal cutie pie!

She sees the look he has, exhausted. Exasperated even, with a tinge of hurt in his eyes at her last comment. An absolute bitch.

Confrontation wasn't something she was found of, she liked to stay in her lane and minded her own business. Her eyes glance back over at Steven and she stand ups straight.

She could tell that the blonde woman was relishing in Steven's nervousness as he looked down at his feet.

Yeah, she really doesn't like that at all.

"Well, I can assure Steven is much more capable than you think, Miss..." She glanced down at her name tag, "...Donna..." she says with a tight lipped smile, "Quite dependable, really, unlike some who people I've seen so far," Steven face flushed under Sunny's comment.

"In fact Steven here was also telling me some interesting facts about the mueseum, I was disappointed to hear that he wasn't a tour guide here, I'm sure the children I teach would have loved him," she said, "Suppose I'll have to find some other museum that seems to have more competent workers that don't berate other employees for helping out their patrons. Oh what a shame," she says, feigning a look of disappointment on her face.

The way Donna puffs her cheeks, Steven couldn't help but stare in awe. Bloody fantastic she was. Sunny smiled as she could tell the woman was trying to think of a remark but left, not before yelling at Steven to go back to work.

Once she was gone, Steven took a deep breath before turning back to her, "That was bloody brilliant," he says, "I can't believe you just did that," a short laugh escapes from his lips, "You don't know how many times I've wanted to tell her off," he said.

"Neither did I, not really a fan of confrontation but I couldn't stand there and let her put you down like that," Sunny said. He felt himself in a daze, wondering how he ended up here.

He was having a bad day, he woke up late and missed the bus (barely making it to work but was still chewed out by Donna). He had to deal with irritable customers for the whole day and he was going to restock the gift shop before leaving when he stumbled into Sunny and now here he was.

"You really didn't have to wait for me, dear," Steven said as he restocked the display front.

"It's fine, I get to hide out here as well so it's a win-win for me," she replied.

"From your ex, right?" He asked, "Well they must be a right twit for bothering you to this extent?"

"Uh yeah, the ex..." she nodded, looking away from him. Definitely not the ghost she was trying to hide from. Tbh she rather be faced with a pushy ex than this, at least she could punch them in face for bothering her. Ghosts not so much...

Once Steven was done with his shift, the two left the museum (although Sunny took a moment to gaze around the area before moving, not taking another chance to encounter another ghost) they made their way towards a korean food truck. She ordered him some kimbap (veggie, rice, seaweed roll) since he had mentioned that he was vegan.

Steven was nervous, he's never has anyone to walk home with. Especially a very pretty woman. One that's also his neighbor as well. He held the, oh what did she call it? Kimbap? In one hand as she explained what it was made of to him.

He felt his heart squeeze as she took into note that he was vegan (despite that it was just a simple offhand comment). He's never tried Korean food before, so he was ecstatic to try it out.

They sat down by a fountain, eating their food. It was fucking delicious.

"Oh wow, never tried korean cuisine before," he took a bit of his kimbap. Her eyes lit up as she leaned close to him.

"Oh you should come over to my place, I can cook some for you if you'd like!" She suggested, eating some of her dumplings. He thought he was gonna choke. He coughed as she reached over and patted his back.

"Oh my god, are you alright, Steven?!" He took a moment before telling her that he was fine.

"J-just startled that's all," he says. His face was burning now. After they ate, they headed back home, once they neared the front of their apartment.

After that night, the two seemed to continued to talk to one another, walking to the bus stop and meeting each other for lunch.

Dane gave her an earful when he found out what happened but it quickly turned to teasing as he found out how she fancies her neighbor.

"Is that him?" Dane pointed out one day as the two were walking out of the classroom to see Steven nervously standing by the entrance, clutching his messenger bag, "He definitely your type," he nods.

"What's that supposed to mean?!" She elbows him before making her way towards Steven, "Steven, what are you doing here?" She asked. He smiles before noticing Dane. He felt his chest tighten and frowns slightly. Jealousy was a disease they say. Although Steven doesn't really want to admit such a thing.

"I had an early shift today and I thought of visiting you," he said, "Even bought some lunch for you as well," he added.

She felt her heart swell. Why was he such a cute and sweet guy? Dane cleared his throat, gaining both of their attention, "Oh, right! Steven this is Dane. Dane, Steven," she introduced. The two men stare one another, staring each other down before Steven smiles.

"Cheers, mate," he said, "I don't think she's mentioned you before."

Dane looks at her and grins. She's gonna kill him.

"Oof, this is how you treat your best friend?" Dane feigned hurt, "Well, she's mentions you often," Dane teases, "Something about the cute gift shopist that likes to eat her homemade kimbap."

She smacks Dane before turning to Steven, telling him to ignore her before she leads him away, "Have fun, remember to stay safe! And don't do anything I wouldn't do!" Dane calls out.

Yeah she's definitely gonna kill him.

So, Sunny's sure she has a huge crush on Steven. I mean who wouldn't? Hes a sweet and charming man with the most kindest eyes. And Steven had definitely fancied Sunny ever since he saw her moved in and the time he saw her talking on the phone when she stepped onto the lift (he would die before he'd admit that to her). But ofc the two were nervous to make any moves on each other.

Steven decided to wait until she was done with her job before they walked home. Truthfully he knew she was teacher, but he didn't know she working here. He was in awe at some of the displays and artworks. Once they had lunch, he sat in the back of the classroom when the students returned.

And goodness did he gush as she interacted with the children. He felt his cheek hurt at how much he was smiling as she knelt down and use two toy dinosaurs for her presentation. The way childen giggled and laugh at her quips and how eager they all looked.

Ok maybe, yeah. Maybe it might be more than a crush for him (again he'll die before he admits it out loud to her or anyone else for that matter).

Once done for the day, they left. They talked on the bus ride, mostly Steven asking her more about her job.

Sunny obliges and tells him how she originally was a photographer for an art exhibit before working her (she leave out the details of her being blipped tho) and had doubled majored in photography and palentology.

Steven thought the combination was odd until she told him she was loved Jurassic Park with the brightest gleam in her eyes.

Cute. He makes a note to watch Jurassic Park to talk to her about it at a later date.

They soon arrived at the front of their apartment complex. As they walked near the entrance, Sunny noticed something in the corner of her eyes.

She jumps as she saw Izanami standing across the street. The goddess stared at her, dressed in a black stylish dress and held a black umbrella in one had and wilted white lilies in in other. What the fuck, always the one for dramatic huh?! Why couldn't she just leave her alone?!

Seeing this Steven placed a hand on her shoulders. "Are you alright, love?" He asked.

"Uh, y-yeah, let's go in, it's starting to become a bit chilly," she said, taking his hand and headed inside, taking the elevator to their floor.

Steven berated himself for acting like a stupid school boy with a crush as she held his hand. Feeling flustered and his hands becoming clammy.

She hastily pushed Steven inside first before taking a quick glance back to see the goddess gone. A soft sigh left her lips before she heard a voice.

"Make haste, dear, the spirits are growing restless tonight."

SHUT UP Sunny thinks as she lead Steven to the lift.

Steven doesn't say it but he noticed the shift in her posture suddenly. She's jittery and her hands are shaking. He wonders if she saw something that spooked her.

She leans and press the button to their floor, when she hears it.

"3rd floor please..." "Oh sure," she mutters to herself. "Who are you talking to, love?" Steven asks.

Sunny blinks. She looks back at him before glancing over her shoulders quickly and she sees it.

The head of a pale, ghastly woman hanging from the top of the lift. She feels her legs about to give out and grips Steven's shoulder from falling.

"Oh dear, are you alright?" "Y-yup just peachy!" She stuttered and leaned against the wall next to the buttons, hastily pressing on the open doors button.

"Are you sure you're quite alright? You're looking quite pale now! Are you feeling sick?"

"I think I just need some air, don't worry much about it, look see where here!" As soon as the door open she stumbled out and took a deep breath.

Steven doesn't say anything but he's concerned for her and helps her to her flat with his arms wrapped securely around her, "Are you sure you're quite alright, do you need me to call someone to take care of you? I would offer to stay but I don't want to overstep if it makes you uncomfortable," he added.

She was about to reply when the lights in hall started flickering. Steven looks up frowning, "Bloody hell, there's always something wrong with these damned lights. I should call it in for the landlord tonight."

Sunny knows it wasn't some faulty electricity or wiring going on, she glance behind him and saw another ghost. This one more gruesome than the one she saw in the lift.

She did her best not to throw up at the sight.

It stood tall, its neck longated and twisted. Warts and puss all around with two dark holes where she assume it's eyes were supposed to be.

She stumbles back against the door, staring at the creature. Steven asks her again what's wrong and notices her staring behind him. He tried to glance but she heard a voice to stop him.

"If he glances at the creature, it'll follow him."

"No wait!" She grasp his head to look at her instead. Faces close to each other. She feels her cheeks heat up as she stares into his eyes then at his lips. He does the same thing.

Before long she pulled him closer for a kiss, it wasn't long but she hoped it was enough for the spirit to disappear from them. He took a second to process her lips on his before slowly kissing back. The kiss was awkward, a simple peck on the lips before she felt him press his lips harder against her. It was oddly cute how he tried his best. Had it been anyone else she'd stop and cringe. After a few seconds, she pulled away and glanced behind him again.

The spirit was gone for now. She lets out a sigh and placed her head on his chest before it suddenly hits her.

Oh god.

OH MY GOD!

She stares back at Steven who seemed just as shocked as she was. He was in a daze, blinking every so seconds to fully process what had happened.

"Oh," she squeaks, pulling away from him as she covers her lips with her hands. What the fuck. She can't believe she did that.

"I..." he opens his mouth, but Sunny doesn't want to hear him, scared that he might have regretted it.

"Bye!" She opens the door to her flat and slams the door in his face before he could say any more. She leaned against the door and slid down to sit on the floor of her flat, face red and in hand from embarrassment.

"What the fuck," she gasps softly, "Why? Why did I do that?! Oh God, he's never gonna want to talk to me again!"

Meanwhile, Steven stood outside dumbly. He blinked and he was suddenly home, he glanced around and felt his eyes grow heavy and tired. He didn't want to sleep just yet, he want to go up to her door and ask her if she felt the same. Maybe take her out on a date.

Steven blacks out.

ONE WEEK LATER

Sunny sighed as she sat in her room. It's been a week since she kissed Steven that night. No calls, texts, and anything. She hadn't seen him either. She knew she shouldn't have done that and shut the door on him out of panic. Maybe at least talk to him to apologize for that part, and tell him to forget it if he didn't have any feels for her outside of platonic ones. God she's an absolute idiot.

She would have thought he was ignoring her but she hadn't seen him all week, even his bitchy boss said Steven hadn't been in. So where was he?

Apart of her was worried something has happened to him. God forbid that was the case.

She was deep in thought when she heard the door knock. Sighing, she stood up and opened the door. She was startled to see Steven at the door.

His posture too. Steven was always hunched over to a degree, keeping his head down and arms fidiling with the sleeve of his shirt. Now he was standing straight and more loose compared to before. He even looked taller despite how they were close in height.

"Steven? Oh my god, are you alright? Where were you? I haven't seen you all week!" Before she could ask him anymore, he placed his hands on her cheeks. She stopped, taking in his appearance.

Instead of his usual wide and soft eyes they looked different. Hard, sharp, narrowed and almost wild--feral even.

She blinks, "S..Steven?"

This kiss was hard, filled with fire and passion. He lightly nipped and sucked on her bottom lips. Definitely more experienced than the first one. Shivers ran down her back as one hand went down to the small of her back and pulled her closer, as if scared that she would disappear from his grasp.

He stared at her, thumbs brushing against her cheeks as if taking in this moment before he leaned in and pressed his lips against hers, unlike that night she kissed him -- soft lips pressed together and nervous teeth clattering together -- that kiss was inexperienced and gentle.

This was different.

When he pulled away, he panted heavily as he press his forehead against hers. Her cheeks were flushed as he pressed her body against his, she didn't realize it before but Steven was surprisingly muscular. Oh god how didn't she notice that before until now?!

"...can I take you on a date?" He says softly, but his voice was low and deeper than usual, and she thinks his accent is slightly different than his usually posh Brit one. She thinks it's because of the lack of air from the kiss just now and doesn't think much on it.

No thoughts, head empty from the kiss.

"Hm?!" She squeaks at his response. He lets out a low chuckle and pecks her lips.

Was that a fucking smirk? Since when did Steven know how to smirk???

Her mind was swirling as she tried to process what had happened. But it's fried.

He ran one hand down her back and rested it on her hip, "A date," he says, "Can I take you out on one? This Friday, I heard there's a good steakhouse," he added.

"....okay."

"I, uh," she blinked once more, "but aren't you vegan?" She asked.

He chuckles again. "Yeah, but I wanted to give you a good time," he said with such ease. Like he knew she would ask him that, "Don't worry about me, I can just order some salad for myself."

He smiled softly, this time. Resembling more of how she remembers him as, but it was off somehow, "Great." He kissed her lips once again, "I'll text you the details, night," he added before leaving.

Sunny blinks.

So she guesses she has a date this Friday now.

[kindnessisweakness2]

{DELUSIONAL- PART 4}

*Not my GIF, can we all just take a second to appreciate those hands tho?😍*

Sitting up at the sound of her alarm, Delaney groaned. Grabbing her denim shorts she wore last night from the floor she pulled them on and made her way to Jax's room. Knocking on the door, she opened it just in time to see him exit the bathroom in only jeans and still wet from the shower. "Hey D, you sleep here?" Nodding her head she tried her best to keep her eyes from wandering to his chest. "Yeah I was too tired to drive home. Can I use your shower and borrow a hoodie? The one in the spare dorm still isn't working". Jax smiled at her. "You know you don't have to ask. Take what you want, I've got church." Delaney's heart skipped as he pulled her into a hug and kissed her forehead. As she watched him pull his shirt on over his head and make his way down the hall Delaney couldn't help but think that he was going to be the death of her.

An hour later Delaney was freshly showered and dressed in a pair of Jax's grey sweatpants and white samcro t-shirt. She was most of the way done with cleaning the bar when Gemma made her way in holding a package. "Here sweetie. This came for you" handing the box to a confused Delaney Gemma leaned against the bar waiting for her to open it. Reluctantly Delaney removed the cherry red bow and lifted the lid to reveal the expensive chocolates on the inside. There was a white envelope with her name typed on the front. The same as all the other ones her 'Secret admirer' had left her. Her stomach twisted up into Knots as she opened the letter.

"To the love of my life. Why must you do this to me? You flaunt your love for him in my face. All I do is try to make you happy. I treat you so much better than he EVER Would. I send you flowers, chocolates and shower you with compliments and you don't even notice me. You pretend I'm not there. He will never love you like I could. He doesn't even know you love him. He doesn't WANT you. Not like I do. If he wasnt around, you'd be with me. You need to take this as a warning my sweet girl. Stay away from the little 'Prince' Or I'll have no choice but to hurt him."

Underneath the letter was a photo taken at last night's party of them embracing outside by the picnic tables. Delaney had told Jax how happy she was to have him home. It had been horrible not having him around. She missed him terribly. It would've been a nice photo if taken in different circumstances. Delaney covered her face at the realisation she'd put Jax in danger. Tears welled in her eyes as she knew she had no choice but to tell the club now. She didn't care about her life but Jax's was different. Jax was important to her. Hell he was important to everyone. He'd never hurt her and was always there for her without question and what did she do in return? Put him on a mad man's target list!!

Looking to a confused Gemma in panic Delaney's tears spilled over. "I'm so sorry Gemma. We need to speak to the club. I-ill explain everything. I promise" Delaney sobbed as Gemma pulled her into a tight hug. After a few minutes Delaney wiped her eyes and made her way towards the large wooden doors that lead to the club's meeting room. Banging on the door she waited for the sound of clays voice shouting "come in" before she and Gemma entered. Everyone's faces turned to worry as they looked at Delaney. Her face was flushed, her eyes were red and still full of tears and she was clearly distressed. "Can I have a minute with you guys? I'm really sorry to interrupt." Nodding his head Clay moved his chair to the side allowing Delaney to address the club from the head of the table. Gemma moved to stand being Clay and waited for Delaney to start explaining. Stood inbetween clay and jax she looked so small and fragile, especially in Jax's oversized clothes, and that's exactly how she felt in that moment. "Erm I'm not sure how to start this but for the last few weeks I've been having weird things happen. I've been getting flower deliveries and chocolates and notes left for me. Both here and at home. I'm not sure who is sending them or even why but he just calls himself my 'Secret admirer'. It all started when Jax left for Nevada. The notes are your usual creepy shit, mainly compliments but he details places where I've been that day and photos of me. I'm 100% he's following me. I didn't go home last night and I lied to you about why. Because I felt scared that he knew where I lived I put cameras up outside my house. I thought that if I could catch him on footage id know who it was and could get him to stop." Delaney swallowed thickly. Tears freely spilling over now. "I caught him on camera watching me through my window sleeping. I was so stressed I took a couple sleeping tablets so I was knocked out cold. He just stood there for hours watching me. I couldn't see who it was or anything noticeable about him as he was dressed in all black. He could've broken in and done anything and I wouldn't of woken up." Delaney broke down. All the fear and stress she felt for weeks came spilling out. Jax stood and pulled her into a tight hug. "I didn't want to tell anyone because it's not your problem. I didn't want you guys to take this on. I was just going to ignore it and hoped he'd give up and go away. But it's not just me he's targeting now. I don't care about me but I won't let people get hurt because of me" passing the note and the photo that came with the chocolates around Delaney watched as every member became visibly more angry. Jax was the worst. He held her tightly, eyes smouldering with fury and jaw tightly clenched. How fucking dare someone target her. Was the only thing he could think. He wasn't going to let anyone hurt her. He'd die first.

And as Jax made that vow in his mind to protect her, Delaney could only think that this was the beginning of something nasty. And she was the cause of it.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

And that's it!! Part 4 is up!! Thank you so much for everyone's support on this story so far. I really hope you enjoy it. As always feedback and advice always welcome. Part 5 soon to follow!

Love to you all, stay safe! 🌷

[thiccandmentallysicc]

Get to know me:

Tagged by talented/total babe @offansandflames ♡

Rules: answer 92 83 statements (i skipped some boring ones srry), tag whomever you please.

THE LAST. 1. Drink: pabst blue ribbon, yes im white trash 2. Phone call: mom 3. Text message: my bestfriend 4. Song you listened to: keaton henson, to your health 5. Time you cried: erm a lil yesterday but like deep convo tears

HAVE YOU: 6. Dated someone twice?: a relit ciggarette never tastes the same 7. Kissed someone and regretted it?: Not enough to recall at the moment. 8. Been cheated on?: I haven’t taken many partners, so to my knowledge, no? 9. Lost someone special?: Yes 10: Been depressed: :,) 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: my life from 15-19 tbh, not in the party, neurotypical fashion more along the Wtf Pls exPlain type way or for shits n giggles

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14. Baby pink and blue, black.

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends?:Yes if online counts? Very beautiful and enchanting spirits who i already love 16. Fallen out of love?: never do if its real, cuz im a romantic//also think u always care a little for those you really loved 17. Laughed until you cried?: yesterday actually like rllllly good because my girl dropped her entire jug of wine right before opening it. The universe flicked us off dirty. 18. Found out someone was talking about you?: Yeah, some good, some bad, some wild. Idk. 19. Met someone who changed you?: Yes some beautifully, made me fonder, some not so lovely but thats ok (try to make it ok) 20. Found out who your friends are?: I have fucking one bestfriend who i hold to that certain standard shes my lover/ soul mate and weve been through a fucking ride n shes still my number one. If others let me down i find ways to make it bittersweet. 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list?: yus GENERAL 22. How many Facebook friends do you know in real life?: Idk some r family and people from all the schools i went to. I dont care for facebook much. 23. Do you have any pets?: one black, perfect cat with lil rays of auburn going down her back, i named her clementine. Also 4 dumb n rlly cute dogs live with me. I like one a lot, Luna, shes my princess. (Yes i admit favorites idgaf/ she also knows she’s my fav n takes advantage) 24. Do you want to change your name?: mydad originally wanted to name me Xena (after xena princess warrior) whom i developed an intense crush on later. 25. What did you do for you last birthday?: yo lol i dont know i turned 22 i just had drinks and smoked with my bestfriend 26. What time did you wake up?: didnt check, i usually wake up multiple times n go back to sleep If i can 27. What were you doing midnight last night?: either in my gfs car or just getting home 28. Name something you can’t wait for?: my classes to start again, mini roadtrip to Gainesville and maybe being able to see my little cousin soon. 29. When was the last time you saw your mom?: lik e 2 seconds ago. 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life?: sjdufjekwns 31. What are you listening to right now?: Keaton Henson 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom?: lol nah not that i remember 33. Something that’s getting on your nerves?: the state of the Union, how 2 get my smol dogs to stop barking, why do ppl have to live w abusers and when will my witch powers allow me to cast them off into The Void, my general discomfort n lack of motivation. To casually name a few ,, 34. Most visited website?: ao3, Tumblr RANDOM SHIT: 35. Mole/s?: lol?? Moles can b cute, i have a few. 36. Mark/s?: plenty, one in particular tho i have on my upper forehead not like harry potter sttle unfortunately, its all hidden near my scalp 37. Childhood dream?: i always wanted to do something that would let me swim with humpback whales in natural habitat ofcourse or track the lives n rituals of wolves and then i was like mayb ill just be aschool counsler, all of which i still kinda wana do. 38. Hair color?: blonde 39. Long or Short hair?: i have medium length hair but i like both 40. Do you have a crush on someone?: I literally always have a crush on someone, idk crushes to me means you make me happy and blushy and if you make me laugh, i crush. 41. What do you like about yourself?: i could say i like how i am when im with someone i love. N that some ppl are able to confide in me, id say my empathy but idk i can be a fuckface too. 42. Piercings?: tongue I got snakebites, industrial, bellybutton, reg ol ear piercings too. 43. Bloodtype?: i dont know o.O 44. Nickname?: cookie monster when i was younger, lali, lion, coocoomanga(my dad) renren, rin, my mom says lil shit endearingly and i got the habit. 45. Relationship status?: basically married 46. Zodiac sign?: Aries 47. Pronouns?: She/they 48. Favorite t.v show?: i binge and am not ashamed, supernatural, classic spongebob, south park, parks n rec, modern fam, a haunting, me and my mom watch ancient aliens 2gether , Steven Universe, Adventure Time, the fucking x files, malcolminthemiddle, etc, my animes as well are all shoved in here in my heart. Naruto/free/haikyuu/oourans host club/ HxH etc 49. Tattos: 5 and one on the way, matching one with my love 50. Right or left hand: Righty most def 51. Surgery?: luckily no 52. Hair dyed in different colors?: I maintain the blonde i had at like six, its naturally dirty brownish? At one point i dyed it platinum tho 53. Sport?: In my anime MORE GENERAL 54. I’m about to?: Finish some arts and crafts for some letters im making (: and then a smol walk 55. Waiting for?: some inspo, 56. Get married?: its not very important to me. But if my partner became passionate about it i would be rite there w em 57. Career?: I’m majoring in psychology/minor in education WHICH IS BETTER? 58. Hugs or kisses?: depends on who but I’m a sap for both 59. Lips or eyes?: Eyes, give me them soulful orbs 60. Shorter or taller?: no preference 61. Older or younger?: You can be a shithead at any age, so no preference. 62. Nice arms or nice stomach?: eh,, not sure to be honest. I love hands and forearms, so i suppose arms? 63. Sensitive or loud?: u gotta be both at least every now and then. Either extreme will be bothersome though 64. Hook up or relationship?: eh past experiences make hook ups generally uncomfortable n left me feeling ace/aceromantic for a good portion of my teen yrs but im not impartial 65. Troublemaker or hesitant: ive calmed down but im not hesitant unless my gut says so HAVE YOU EVER? 66. Kissed a stranger?: yes 67. Drank hard liquor?: yes 68. Lost glasses/contacts?: glasses, yes. 69. Turned someone down?: as a chick in miami ¿¿¿ of fucking course 70. Sex on the first date?: lol yes 71. Broken someone’s heart?: seems dramatic i dont feel like i have sincerely done that, just hurt them. 72. Had your heart broken?: In a way mostly by close friends / family 73. Been arrested?: when i was 15 for dumb shit like trespassing 74. Cried when someone died?: yes 75. Fallen for a friend?: i crush on all my friends because i love alot DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 76. Yourself?: Yes because Rock Lee would want me to 77. Miracles?: i think miracles are a byproduct of a fucking amazing universe. 78. Love at first sight?: i think of it as a magnetic pull n interest not love 79. Santa Clause?: i fucking love christmas, idgaf 80. Kiss on the first date?: yup OTHER 81. Current bestfriend?: @mariekankerr 7 years n countin babe 82. Eyecolor?: blue 83. Favorite Movie?: Lilo and Stitch, Pulp Fiction, The Iron Giant, A Fish Called Wanda, Murder By Death, Knights of the Round Table, mel brooks in general, The Changeling (bt like the oroginal one not w Angelina jolie it came out in like the 90s?) Spirited Away, Clue, Hot Chicks, A Bronx Tale I tag: @shamelesssasukestan @hotmessmuffin @narutoandsasukearecanon and i suck at this so just go for it and tag me so i can lurk on u

[peggyobrennan]

Identity Crisis Summer 2017

The world has twisted since this picture taken at National Rainbow Gathering last year, and so have I.

A deep depression has taken hold, even though I’m back on Cymbalta for it. I start therapy tomorrow, so let’s hope there’s at least no harm...

I must open up, in hopes there are hopes.

I tried writing about it, gonna share.

I called it: Identity Crisis Summer 2017:

So much irony having an identity crisis because I've come Home and am living with Family (blood, not Chosen). But I individuated so very very strongly, and then some. Ran away age 14, came back at 15. Ran away age 26, came back age 30. Ran away last spring, came back now. Moved to the other side from family of Rock Creek Park (after months in the mountains) to raise my kids in a diverse community, against Dad’s wishes, and ...I dunno, was he right? After age 10 they had a less privileged upbringing, which turned profoundly underprivileged, and now the side effects of poverty haunt us.

More irony is that there are facts of my existence that are very unusual, yet I feel nothingness, emptiness, clear vast blank, which is sometimes euphoric but mostly terrifying.  I have rare traits, and I didn't fabricate them. Like I birthed twins, accidentally concieved but profoundly WANTED, and their dad was/is a sh*t. He did things that would be impossible in the age of social media, even tho I understood we had an open marriage. Use your imagination.

I have the drive that artists have, yet the unmotivated state of a depressive.

One of my beloved musical partners said a year ago, “Oh, are you just gonna do Walkabout?” and my answer was YES, sincerely, but I kept letting my non-shine-ity hold me back. And I got wrapped up in some dreamtime, sorta. I DID go many many miles and have lots of adventures and see scads of sights. Then NYC in April/May was kinda painful, cuz I THOUGHT I could do the job at the lovely Ganas Community, but they let me go and my poverty mentality grabbed their offer of  “Sure take the whole paycheck, but be gone if so” (it's more complicated) and I regret that, MAYBE.

Maybe not, cuz my daughter DID get deep strong benefits from Mom being Home. Until we clashed last week when I got profoundly triggered and alienated her. (Which would explain Strong Sadness) Prayers requested for HER healing, which'll overflow to US.

IS there such a thing as a Healer who loses her sh*t, gets profoundly triggered and alienates her beloveds? Why yes, every shaman I know personally (and there are many) does that. But I then doubt my healing abilities. The Wounded Healer is a real thing but your own healing should have actually happened! Mine has, but I guess I'm in relapse.

Yet, last Solstice, 3 weeks ago, the circle I was part of insisted on my priestessing some of our process, and I did it. And my daughter lovingly attended with me, and she knew the Spiritual Giant Women who were in the circle since her childhood. That is good, deeply good.

Then on our way out that beloved young woman said I was like “comic relief for the circle”, a jester's role that sometimes (frequently) works for me. But does that mean I was justified in reading about Pierrot's Columbine's and Harlequin's poly triad (my take) for HOURS the other day, learning way more than I can use about jesting, and dreaming more?!? I don't know. I sure do love learning and exploring. And dreamtime.

Also on our way out of Solstice ritual my daughter called her twin brother to describe our antics. The wondrousness of shamanic dancing. I THINK she was telling that, but I have Selection Bias, though I KNOW she was delightfully recalling.

He wasn't there because 1)it's a women's circle, not my choice originally 2)he insisted there is no such thing as spirituality, though I would love him to argue that I've also got THAT wrong.

He, my beloved son, called me last Saturday, after I spent Friday night in the hospital. He showed his philosophical bent and worked to reassure me that everything is ok, bless him (oops). He Stood Up for Mom. See, my siblings? This is an excellent young man. Period.

They'd been recommending surgery, which is always to be avoided. I have a complicated medical history that is disgusting and infuriating to hear. So I'll spare you, even though it matters for this. Most pertinent NOW is that the red streaks radiating from the (internal) wound are gone and the pain is too. And more surgery would undoubtedly cause more adhesions which started this whole thing, besides incompetence of medical professionals. See my performance piece entitled A Scar Is Born, with the happy face ending. It isn't online; hopefully someday. I waver between open book and discretion. Frustratedly. Of course I would benefit from a manager and an agent.

I am in limbo of sorts. I have deep friends, and also am “getting the word out”, and the fact is, I use social media a lot. If it isn't interactive, social media can be mentally harmful. Sez I and others.

Home? Hometown? My family of origin has rejected me harshly, mostly in those microagressive ways, but more. Attempting to have my children removed and put in foster care in 2006, and other outrageous treatment of my children and me. Cousins and extended family are quite decent and loving. One must mention the mental illness of my older sister, who fixated on me (and mine) or decades, wrangling other family against me. Though it began very young, that's over now.

Part of my family's rejection might come from the fact that I am not straight. I was born with the bisexuality. It's true that I wouldn't have had to act on it, even though I already had at age 7, and then how about this one: I truly am gender nonconforming. I was in a theatre play at at the age of 12 in which I played a man, so maybe that's to blame, but I was always been told to be more ladylike, and only with the recent freedoms granted have I not had massive angst about clothing. Instead I've been doing drag surreptitiously for over 3 decades. At an all girls camp, one must have “drag”, teehee. The girl who played the (cross dressed) lead was stunning and talented and I had a big crush. Didn't recognize it for what it was. Nowadays I would have been allowed to. A few weeks ago I was in line at a pharmacy and the person behind me didn't think I was moving fast enough, so they said “Ma'am? Uh, sir? Erm. There's a space in front of you.” Just a few days ago at the hospital my attending physician asked if I was sexually active, immediately following with “Male? Female? Both?” to which my easy answer was “Both”. Because she offered me that option and it is truth. Before our recent liberations, I would have had to quickly discern how to honestly answer, so as to not offend the doctor and stay pertinent to the case. MY gender and sexuality are twisted together, but please know that they are not the same thing. Always the activist, another problem of mine...

More reason to not feel nothingness: I'm a recovering alcoholic addict, and the stats are low for longterm recovery. Another rarity. I have become a sort of 12 Step Junkie, so I have that indoctrination of  “A day without ____ is a productive day”, but... it rings hollow too much, so YAY for all the other tools. Like not isolating and having a network of people, but ironically I am only speaking with one or two f2f. Depression is contagious; gods forbid I bring it on you. My latest are NarAnon but the Most Useful is Underearners Anonymous. Here's how I'm not gonna break the 11th tradition: I know people in those programs, and I did not say I was a member. This is the 1st time I've ever even come close. My intense fear of doing a wrong thing is probably at play here.

Furtherly ironic is me not playing music with others, or at all; more of the self-destruction of depression. Until yesterday, I hadn't picked up my guitar in 9 days, practically a CRIME for a string player. One benefit of being in my home city COULD BE the network of musical connections that I truly developed here. Just a few years ago there were several public events where when I showed up without my instrument, I got scolded. But I need Right Livelihood, and there are many factors that have made music not my livelihood.

Yet I still am having a massive identity crisis. And having the classic symptoms of depression, Very Low Motivation, confusion, sadness, indecision, vicious cycles of ill health due to lack of self care, because... what's the use. It is significant that I went for medical care the other day and fortunate that I did. I will never suicide; I could not do that to my kids.

I am researching grad school to get a master's in psychology and become addictions counselor, hopefully utilizing my BA in studio art, my musical core, my jesterly nature, and my initiation as shamanic healer. Attempting research while wasting time, cuz I aint worth the effort, and having fabulous sammiches.

Obviously I am also hyper-graphic, compulsive with many things, and am knowingly using the hour of Good Mood that follows Morning Coffee to write this. I'm also considering full time work for a friend's Green Company, secretarial stuff. I do hope they actually noticed how genuinely butch I am, and heard me when I said grad school is likely in my near future.

Anyway, idletime is for the birds. Though I'm tremendously grateful for the Soft Landing that my auntie is providing for me here in NW DC. I just wish I wasn't living alone, but a beloved cousin has invited me to her beautifully crowded house in Bethesda for grad school time, and we're talking.

This beautiful picture of Rainbow Gathering 2016 feels worlds away. In many ways, it is. But I myself took it, and I was there. Sincerely. Just because the Spirit Names I have been given didn't stick, and I look like a Failed Soccer Mom with the S.A.D. Diet to strangers (deformed belly with that old wound, & authentic Nighttime Binging Disorder, please don't shoot me), doesn't mean I don't have relevant vital depth and value.

Depression sucks. It killed many members of my family and it's not gonna take me.

I'm just changing, and seeking. I was a performance artist, I was an illustrator, painter, my writing has been published, I will always be a musician, even if I believe people who consider females incapable of that, eff that. I am a multimedia artist. I put on an excellent concert 10 days ago. I had a visual art exhibition 16 months ago. I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and goldangit I handled the weirdest election in US history in a coal town, worked their general store, then worked in another pretty-well-integrated-with-mainstream commune (my preferred lifestyle, attempting freeganism, seriously) in NYC and … I'm gonna figure out how to tell these tales. And integrate them with my life.