#episodic psychosis

[giritina]

A small thought for disability pride month... There's a stereotype/myth/common perception that mental health meds make people's art worse. Sometimes, it's portrayed as people being incapable of making art at all. Other times, they simply don't have anything interesting to say now that they're "happy." Some people even avoid going on meds because they worry about not being able to make art.

I want to share some pages of a comic I made during a manic episode, before I was on any proper medication.

I think this comic is very interesting, very raw and unique, but this was my attempt to be understood by other people. I made this art thinking that other people would know exactly what I meant by it. I thought this was incredibly clear, that it would communicate everything I was going through and had experienced without any ambiguity. When people didn't react how I wanted, when they couldn't parse it in the way I intended, it hurt me. Here was my best attempt to be understood, and I remained alone.

Now I'll show some comics I made after being on a mood stabilizer/antipsychotic.

You can say what you like about the artistic merit of it compared to that raw, abstract work I made before, but what matters to me is that I was actually able to connect to other people through this art. When I showed this work to people, their reaction was in line with what I intended. They saw part of me. I made it to show a side of myself I was incapable of expressing without art, and when people read it, they actually saw that side of me.

Without medication, I was trapped in my own world. I couldn't even begin to fathom how to connect to another person because we weren't using the same vocabulary. You might be "interested" or "compelled" by my suffering, but part of that interest comes from the mystery of my delirium. No matter how unique the result, it still represented a failure of intent. Learning to make art again after exiting that delirium was difficult, but I promise you it was and is worth it.

[schizopositivity]

It's interesting that when the topic of schizophrenia or psychosis is brought up (especially on the internet), people who don't have it are so often willing to dole out the personal information of someone who does have it. It's usually a family member of the person talking. And these people seem to have no problem revealing this person's most sensitive and embarrassing information.

I understand you are trying to find connection in some way. And you have a loved one with schizophrenia/psychosis so you feel that you should chime in. But tbh I don't want to hear about a stranger's most vulnerable moments. And I don't think the person who experienced it would be happy to hear that their family member/neighbor/etc is just spreading that around online. And it rarely adds anything helpful to the discussion, just an anecdotal story that is typically used to generalize an entire group of people.

So if you know/knew someone with schizophrenia or psychosis and you want to tell their story for them, please consider these things: Would they be alright with me sharing this publicly? Does this add anything meaningful to the discussion? Am I speaking over people who have experienced schizophrenia or psychosis themselves? Am I using this as a justification to generalize a group of people?

[schizophrenicfaye]

Today in therapy I learned the term double bookkeeping and everything makes much more sense now

“Double bookkeeping is a term introduced by Eugen Bleuler to describe a fundamental feature of schizophrenia where psychotic reality can exist side by side with shared reality even when these realities seem mutually exclusive.”

This is why I can know I’m schizophrenic and still believe my delusions. My psychosis is its own separate reality where everything is possible. Logic doesn’t apply there, I’m unreal, my reality is unreal so unreal things can happen. I know it’s physiologically impossible and implausible, I know it’s a symptom of psychosis and not an experience I share with most of the world, but it’s still real to me

Do any other schizospec folk experience this?

[emmett-time]

sorry forgot to say im trans. yea youre gonna have to say psychobro instead of psychosis for me now. yea i know

[non-dys-sys]

Shout out to my fellow plurals with psychosis y’all are doing great

[alixisherebutringagain]

Psychotic episode are fucking terrifying so sorry if I don't like when you use the word "delulu" and sorry if I don't want to talk to you because you think I'm crazy or dangerous and sorry if you think I'm exaggerating BUT FUCK YOU BECAUSE I WAS TERRIFIED.

I WAS SCARED.

I WAS LIKE A KID SCARED OF THE DARK.

HOW DARE YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY.

I WAS AFRAID TO GET KILLED, I WAS TERRIFIED OF GOING OUTSIDE I WAS CONVINCED OF HORRIBLE THINGS I COULDN'T SPEAK I COULDN'T MOVE I WAS TRAPPED IN MY BRAIN SO FUCK YOU.

Fuck anyone who thinks psychotic episodes are funny. Fuck anyone who judges someone for being on the schizo spec. Fuck anyone who laughs at this.

[nerdragenewvegas]

Me, before playing Honest Hearts: I've left the Mormon church because I was unable to reconcile the Plan of Salvation doctrine, which honestly supports and validates the existence of trans and non-binary people if anything, with the Church's stance on trans and non-binary people. I have complicated feelings about it and I'm unsure how I identify religiously, which is complicated by the fact that I converted to Mormonism of my own choice when I was in my early 20's, but I still believe the teachings to be mostly true at their core, and I hope that the Church comes around one day and changes their stance on LGBTQ+ people so I can maybe re-join. Me, after playing Honest Hearts for the first time: oh my god I was in a cult.

[luck-of-the-drawings]

so REVENGE, HUH? or justice, if that makes you feel better. it tastes the same when cooked just right. 'I REALLY WANTED A BROTHER.' such a shame to burn a bridge you so desperately wanted to keep, especially when it wasnt even you who started the fire. especially when you hope that not a single fragment of that bridge ever washes ashore.[MAY IT ROT FAR FROM MY SIGHTS] an unfortunate loss! atleast he has his friends.

[n0-al-3n8y]

i mean.. im not even trying at this point

[howlsofbloodhounds]

The way people are complaining that jinx isn’t the same character this season because she’s “sane” (aka not actively having an episode of psychosis, even though she literally did experience a hallucination when seeing vi with the enforcers), is strange.

also I find it strange that people talk about jinx and powder as if they’re separate people. they aren’t. jinx is powder, grown up and traumatized and mentally ill. like i completely understand that jinx likely struggles to realize this, because extremes are often the stable of bpd and she shows all the signs, and well—a personality disorder is a personality disorder.

but no jinx did not kill powder and taint her memory. powder is not gone. jinx can not exist without powder, and vice versa—because they are eachother. that’s what vi needs to realize and accept as well—her sister is not gone.

her sister just grew up and changed and is traumatized and mentally ill. it’s impossible for jinx to kill powder, or for powder to “come back,” the exact same she was. vi could never have powder back because the powder vi remembers was a scared, helpless little girl who depended on her for almost everything. powder was never going to remain that way forever—not if she wanted to survive.

powder has grown up and changed without her. that was always going to happen, it happens to everyone. if nothing happened as it did, their family was still alive, vi was never thrown in jail and powder never taken in by silco; powder still would’ve changed, somehow, someway. She’d likely still just be going by powder rather than jinx.

[psychotic-system-culture-is]

Psychotic System Culture is...

Looking at yourself in the mirror, knowing it's you, recognizing that it's you

Or at least, the body

And having it just... look off

You don't know what, or how, or why

But it stops being you and starts being something that looks like you, moves like you, but not being able to recognize it as you

Which makes you afraid, because reality is wrong and you can't trust your mind

...I think we shouldn't be looking at mirrors anymore

[lxndmine]

"i am this character" but in the delusional i experience psychosis way not the "omg hes literally me" relating to the character way

[shy-canadian-snowflake]

I am not mentally okay at this point in time. I do, however, want to write something about what I'm living with right now. So here's a mini Poolverine plot, and please let me know if I should continue it!

Thinking this would be an au, no powers. Logan is looking for a new apartment (don't know why yet he has to leave his old one.) And comes across an ad. Al owns a 3 bedroom house (only good thing she got from her dead husband) and their last roomate left a few weeks before.

Logan applies, and Wade gets him set up with a viewing with Al. (She keeps asking whats wrong with him- everyone who Wade vets into moving in is fucked in one way. The last person was a mime, a mime clown. She'd walk into him and only get a nose squeak sound back.)

Al and Logan go over basic things, is he okay with dogs, loud sounds, drugs and alcohol. He's fine with all that, admits to drinking. She shows him the basement where there's a bedroom, laundry and a half bathroom. Shower is upstairs.

She tells him he's the most normal guy yet, and so long as Wade likes him, he has the place. She warns him Wade looks off- that one of his friends described him as a rotten avocado having sex with an even worse looking avocado. Logan asks what happened to him, she says she's not sure 100%. All she knew is he was at a medical facility and a fire broke out.

Wade and Logan meet, it goes fine, Logan moves in. A bit of domestic stuff, a few awkward coming out of the shower in just a towel, but Logan gets settled into his little life. Cooking dinner, watching Golden Girls with his roommates.

That is until Wade has an "episode"

Al is use to it, tells Logan what he might have to deal with and how she didn't mention it because Wade's meds were working.

These "episodes" would be what I've been dealing with:

Seeing/hearing things that aren't there. Screaming at a wall at 3am(because arms and legs were coming out of it). Going from "Happy-go-lucky" touchy feely to unable to handle my cat leaning on me. (In this case, Dogpool). Dealing with Eyes in the Walls watching when your back is turned. I'm thinking Wade would call them the Viewers, as in the readers of the fic. Getting frustrated because there is sand that isn't really there in your bed and I can't swipe it out.

But in the end, Wade would get the comfort and help that I'm still waiting on. (This started in October for me. On 2 different meds that aren't helping yet. Just got an increase today. I have no official diagnosis yet)

So thoughts? Should I write this or write something less... depressing?

[schizophrenicfaye]

Psychosis feels like unraveling

Psychosis makes me feel like everything is threatening, even objects

Psychosis feels like everything I think and feel is liquid and blending together, leaving me confused

Psychosis feels like my brain has disappeared and left a big blank space where no thoughts form

Psychosis makes me feel like someone is inside my body, touching and grabbing me underneath my skin

Psychosis feels like being controlled by an outside force

Psychosis feels like reality and you yourself is disintegrating

Psychosis feels like everything is simultaneously fake and more real than usual

Psychosis feels like spiraling through an endless cycle of thoughts

Psychosis feels like being fragmented

[schizopositivity]

Do you have a severe mental illness that can/has caused a mental health emergency? Are you currently stable? You should make a basic safety plan! [Disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional, this advice is taken from my own experiences and what I learned in inpatient psychiatric facilities. This post caters more to those who experience severe psychotic episodes as that is my experience.]

1. Find a safe person. Someone you often spend time with that you can trust with the details of your mental illness and feel safe around. Ask them if they are comfortable being the person to look out for you if you have a mental health emergency. Preferably someone you live with. If no one you live with fits this role, find someone you contact regularly.

2. Explain to the safe person what a mental health emergency looks like for you. Think of the way you presented in the past during mental health emergencies and try to describe it. You may have to describe it based on what others have told you if you had memory loss during episodes in the past.

3. Let them know how they can check with you to see if you are in a mental crisis. You might need them to ask you some questions to gage your mental state (examplse: Do you know where you are right now? Are you able to talk?). Tell them what questions to ask to find out if you are in a crisis.

4. Explain to them what you would want to happen in a mental health emergency. If they are able to see that you are indeed in a mental health emergency, what steps would you want them to take? If you will need to go to the hospital, but don't want to interact with police, let them know to tell that to emergency services. If there's a nearby inpatient facility you would want to go to, tell them which one and give them their contact info. If episodes typically pass on their own for you, let the safe person know how to keep you comfortable and safe until it passes.

5. Have an easily accessible contact paper or note on your phone with some basic info in case you can't speak to professional help while you are in a crisis. Add your name, birth date, your diagnoses, and exactly what medications you take and the dosages. You can add specific warnings or triggers about yourself (examples: Doesn't like being touched by medical professionals. Can react violently to loud noises). You can add contact info of people you'd want to let know about your situation. You can add your insurance information if you have it.

6. If you would have to go to a hospital/inpatient facility, let the safe person know if there's anything else you'd want them to handle once you get there. (Examples: Pack a bag of clothes for the inpatient stay. Feed my pets while I'm gone or ask someone else to. Contact my work place for me and let them know I won't be able to come in.)

Yes this is a long list, but I feel it's important to prepare and get your bases covered while you have the capacity to do so. Often when someone is in crisis they don't know how to ask for help, or what to do once they get help. Thinking of everything ahead of time saves you the extra worry later, or the extra worry of guessing by the people around you.

And if you are thinking "this is too much work to make someone else do!" Consider how much harder it would be if they found you in crisis and had no idea what to do and you wouldn't be able to tell them. If you have a severe mental illness that can/has caused you to be in a state of mental health emergency, you deserve to be cared for by others during the crisis.

[meowticta]

just so you know,

i love you people who are in remission of their psychotic disorder/symptoms.

i love you people who don't have a diagnosis yet

i love you people who are psychotic and loud, and have no filter while talking and ranting.

i love you people who dont suffer from any shame when they're psychotic and say ''weird'' shit that only them understand

those who do not care if people think they're weird, annoying, ''dangerous''

those who are violent, who get restrained, those who are in psych wards, the so called ''crazy and insane''

those who have more delusions than hallucinations, or the other way around.

those who, will never recover, those who dont take meds nor therapy

the schizoaffectives, the schizophrenics, the schizophreniform, the brief psychotic disorder ones, those delusionals, to anyone who had or has a psychotic episode because of drugs or other reasons

i love you, you're not a bad person, you have 0 control of what your mind thinks or does, your condition is stigmatized, but i love you, you can take up space, you can talk about your experiences, and that will be valid, and cherished, i know people are afraid of you, of what the mind can do, of what they don't experience, but never believe that you are a bad person because of your psychosis,

be loud, be scary, be dirty, be ''embarrasing'' be ''gross'' be everything, or nothing at all, be proudly mad.

let people know about you, you have a voice, you have stories to tell, and your stories? will always be accepted by the right people, you won't be judged by the right people

this one is for the schizos, for the psychotics, the delusionals.

shoutout to you