#also its episodic and im on meds now this isnt as bad as it used to be

[lxndmine]

"i am this character" but in the delusional i experience psychosis way not the "omg hes literally me" relating to the character way

[aristotels]

Of course all problems and inequalities are direct consequence of modernity and in the past those who are now considered undesirable were considered divine and definitely weren't treated even worse and didn't have access to anything that resembles accomodations. Let's bring those times back!

In Ancient Rome specifically there was no hospitalisation, yes, but also people who were considered mad couldn't make financial and legal operations on their own at all and couldn't be citizens, and were considered pariahs by their communities. This is not to say that you are wrong because you picked the wrong time to see as "when things were better", it's that just because what causes problems now is capitalism doesn't mean that before it people were always kind and caring, everything is much older.

(Or that removing the money would fix everything on its own, for that matter)

are you literally so stupid to fail to see my point

the point isnt "LOOK WHAT THEY TOOK FROM US" the point is that fears and delusions depend on the society youre brought up in; and also sorry that a 5 sentences tumblr post didnt go into history of medical malpractice, it was a lighthearted post made by someone with those very issues

yeah, if i lived then, then id have a different delusion more fit to those times - but it would not resemble my current paranoia or nightmares of being drugged or talked to the way ive had medical staff talk to me bc those things are specific to our society.

(Also you can still have your rights denied for being mentally ill today as well?????? what happened to free britney??? And like My family doctor once literally suggested to my dad to involountary check me into psych ward which was smth my psychiatrist at the time was very much trying to avoid because he KNEW how dehumanizing that is, he spent more than sn hour trying to figure out if my visions of suicide were actual suicide risk or intrusive thoughts; telling me later that he was willing to gamble such a huge risk and responsibility he would have to take in case i actually did smth to myself - just to keep me out of the hospital stay because he worked there and SAW how dehumanizing it is. because getting in the ward here doesnt mean youre done when youre out, this shit affects FUCKLOAD of things in your life!)

are you really trying to be like "LETS TAKE AWAY ACCOMODATIONS FROM PEOPLE WHO SUFFER WOOW GOOD JOB" in my inbox rn btw considering that i am literally schizophrenic w some other mental illnesses, and that i take fucking meds upon meds for it, including antipsychotics??????? and i am also very grateful for those aids, but even with meds my condition will never be resolved and its severity very much depends on the people/society around me. my delusions while living in croatia might differ from someone who lives in the usa.

i literally have no patience or attention or care or anything to argue with you rn, if you wanna discuss political or economical or marxist or whatever theory in my inbox go ahead, but i am NOT arguing about my own fucking lived experience and having you speak to me this way, in an incredibly entitled and dismissive way. its late and im going to bed. i genuinely dont care for your "ummmmm ekshually capitalism is noot thaaat bad-" shit while i keep having episodes on the daily in a big part due to fuckin capitalism. losing my other job is putting me through stress because i have no money, but it also eased up certain aspects of my illness because i dont have to hit hardcore fucking deadlines every week.

p.s. who the fuck is talking about money not existing. if you are gonna bring that up within communist theory and up for a serious discussion thats a whole other thing, but moneyless and stateless society doesnt just rest on tadaaah no money, like theres a reason marx wrote books n essays on that shit and why daddy engels sent him checks. and even in ideal communist world we would still have mental illnesses, but i am absolutely positive that my thoughts would differ than the current ones and that they would probably be less severe. and also why is this implying that communism wont have like the fuckin medication

i usually take care to carefully reply to asks and try to actually give a serious opinion but i gen dont care if i sound incoherent rn, this legit pissed me off

[xumoonhao]

rant abt queer as folk under the cut <3 read it if you wanna hear abt the messiest show ive ever seen. youll regret it.

ok. right. so queer as folk…god im still so mad abt it lmao but like i need to get all my thoughts out bc how can one show turn out so bad….like it is LITERALLY 8 episodes that are all less than an hour. its probably only ~7h30m of content and so much of it just fucking sucks like. literally. ok anyways it does start off pretty strong, yknow?? first episode is standard for first episodes. introduces all the characters, gives some insight into their relationships and how they know each other, sets up some things yall know how it goes. and then like idk midway thru the ep is like the catalyst for Everything that happens is a shooter goes into babylon (babylon is the club that was a huge focus for the original series and was tied into the reboot) and kills and injures people because its a hate crime. it involves 2 of the main characters heavily (brodie gets shot in the arm protecting mingus who is performing a drag act on stage) and kills brodies best friend daddius, who is also '''dating''' (i use this term loosely, idk if their relationship was defined as this) noah, who is brodies ex boyfriend/fiance (i think??? idk man noah proposed to brodie with a small toy duck or something and then brodie abandoned him to go to med school bc 'oh no commitment is hard :(((' like fuck off actually but w/e) but it affects most of the main characters overall bc like…ofc it would. anyways the ep then kinda goes much of the way the first ep of the original series did w/the lesbian couple having their babies (twins who we dont know the genders of who are named flotsam and jettsam, named bc of mingus which is what the original series did w/justin naming the lesbian couples baby) who are fathered by brodie via sperm donation, and then everything sucks bc we find out daddius died in the shooting :/ which is like definitely a lot for one episode but its just how it is sometimes. also sorry for recapping the Entire first episode but its like literally the only episode that has a coherent storyline so. yeah.

anyways, this made me think the series would focus on like the characters and their healing from this traumatic event and trying to fondly remember their friend and just in generally trying to move on from it and like. it really…isnt like that at all?? like it is for a couple of eps, dont get me wrong, but after the main people spread daddius' ashes the show really moves away from like anything meaningful in terms of the characters healing or literally doing anything good for themselves or each other. like its really incredible. so many of the eps have absolutely MEANINGLESS relationship progress (except julian and noah. theyre the only solid couple) bc literally. none of the relationships fucking matter even a little tiny bit.

i will give a small rundown of things. please bear with me. brodie is the 'main' character (main in quotes bc most of the characters are main characters but brodie is definitely the focal guy bc all the characters are more or less connected thru him) is just a complete asshole. like literally the worst character which is shown to us a bit by way of how he treats mingus (mingus is 17 going on 18 btw. they fall in love w/brodie bc, and this a direct quote, 'he ate his ass in the bathroom' at the club so now theyre in love bc mingus is a teenager and everything is love at that age) which is completely blowing them off (instead of being the mature one bc hes an adult) rather than telling mingus how he feels before he and mingus end up having sex. like wtf?? literally hated that but anyways brodie gets WORSE bc at that point hes just shown to be a fuckboy which yeah definitely sucks but w/e its standard. he could be redeemed from that. but then he just goes on to show how much of a bad person he is by verbally abusing all his friends, manipulating them, lying to them, taking literally ZERO ACCOUNTABILITY for anything, and then apologizing to ppl in the worst way bc when they dont fall at his feet to forgive him, he starts a whole new fight and just ends up being even worse. like i hate brodie so much…god….like he literally did one good thing the entire season which was saving mingus from getting shot. thats literally IT hes a piece of shit the entire rest of the time!!! AHHHHH it makes me so MAD why is the main guy i cannot stand him.

god. it also makes No Sense bc there are scenes that show him and mingus to be like…a thing kind of bc mingus likes him. they really likes him but brodie simply does not care so mingus does end up being with other people which is like…i think at first an effort to make brodie jealous but it literally ends up in nothing which like…alright?? it doesnt really serve a purpose other than being an excuse for mingus being diagnosed with HIV at the end of the series :/ anyways back to mingus and brodie, theres a scene between them in the last ep of mingus being framed by angel wings (parallels a scene from the first ep) which make me think they were going to be a couple, yknow??? like yeah its gross and i hate it but, thru whats been shown, it would make sense. from a storytelling perspective, it makes sense.

but fucking SIKE lmao bc brodie is in love w/ruthie </3 ruthie and brodie do have history tho, so like…ok. they dated in high school before ruthies transition but then broke up bc yknow. things were hard. ruthie was confused back then and wasnt out as trans to anyone yknow how it is. but the thing abt everything that is so. SO confusing is that brodie is gay and ruthie is. a lesbian. but they are in love bc of feelings they never dealt with when they were kids??? EVEN THO RUTHIE HAS A PARTNER AND CHILDREN WITH THAT PARTNER??? but it gets even WORSE bc hey. hey guess fucking what. ruthies partner is cheating on ruthie WITH. BRODIES. MOTHER.

literally…i could not make this shit up if i TRIED. it is absolutely WILD and i hate it all i hate this show it is the messiest show and all of the characters SUCK like brodie literally deadnames ruthie to her face in the middle of a fight they have but they still get their dumbass fucking romantic moment, ending out the series by kissing in the rain like oh. my god. i wish i were dead i wish this show didnt EXIST.

idk if theres anything else to say. i dont wanna think abt this show anymore. kill me

[primroses-n-deadleaves]

i dont have anyone to talk to rn, not out of anything bad theyre just busy and also have their own issues and so on; its okay still it leaves me wondering what went wrong? i only have two ppl that i can rlly talk to like both socialize and also to the extremes of venting, i try to help them too but im not rlly good at it, and so, whenever theyre missing or busy, i feel very alone, which is funny becuz im quite fortunate to have a semi active group on discord with cool ppl but instead of trying to get rid of my loneliness ig i jus self isolate idek whats wrong with me now, all the bad stressful stuff passed, for now,, mom was angry cuz my room got infested with termites, she got rid of them and i was left with the task of cleaning the stain,; and i jus discovered theres more termites to my side that went unnoticed by mom and that are eating the table and chair,; she doenst know of that yet thou so i can handle but i havent, the weekend approaches which is when well be doing all of this, i could try to take care of it before saturday before she notices and gets even more angry at me but here i am writing instead.

i feel very useless, my car is still at the repair shop so i can go out and buy the insecticide i need to get rid of the termitees, its at the repair shop cuz i let it break,, when it broke i called mom and she was at work so she asked me if i had any friends that could come and help me, all my friends are little ppl on my phone stuck to the other side of screen,; she had to call her friend which i was lucky that he was available and came to help me i felt very alone and useless and without any friends theres only so much online friends can do and i dont blame them, im also an online friend to them and i cant rlly do much for them either; that said, i rlly want irl friends.... but those "friends" i, stupid highschool drama ruined all my friendships its been 4 years and im still suffering the consequences of it; and also i rlly miss them, even if they were shitty and used me i still miss them;; maybe if i had acted like nothing id probably still be used sure but maybe i wouldve had someone to call when my car broke down

also im unemployed, with a gambling addiction of all things,, ive been thinking of getting a cheaper addiction- well, cheaper in the long run, something like smoking, not drinking, drinking is a bit expensive and my family from dad's side has a history of alcoholism,, so smoking or vaping, ruin my lungs,, im pretty sure a pack of cigarettes is cheaper than putting 100 into gacha games; why not look for a job? great question, i have, maybe not hard enough but im a bit too depressed if u cant tell by the writing; ive also tried to do online job but its rlly taxing to do a lot of work making vids and such to see no profit and ik ik it comes with time but i dont have time i need money now the funniest part is that i tried to apply for military jobs yknow the army and even those have rejected me, yes im overweight according to bmi, thats all they needed to disqualify me,; so instead i spend my time leeching money of mom, i feel very guilty, im a horrible child,, i sobbed when i was getting my meds and it ended up costing 30 bucks to buy becuz i sent it to a damn walgreens instead of a local pharmacy that accepts my insurance, i lost my meds and i could get refill but itll end up costing until i change the location which i cant change until my next visit

i wanted to kill myself when mom told me i could be working rn and that she was right, i could be working rn but instead i was laying on the bed which isnt even mine becuz i sleep on my sisters room taht has ac

the feeling had dissipated for a moment, well, it left when i repressed my feelings, which writing about it makes me confront those feelings so the suicidal ideation is back; in moments like this i think about one certain episode of fairly odd parents, yknow the one where timmy sees how the world would be if he never existed and sees that everyone around him is doing better without him? i dont remember the ending, i just think about it and think im better off dead, literally, i bring no good to the world

if u happen to stumble upon this, dw, i have a strangely strong will to live, last time i rlly tried to kill myself and acted, i called the hotline, which took me to the hospital where i was fortunate its a good hospital and got treated nicely,; bottom line is, and i quite hate this part of myself, ill live,; this stupid survival instict is strong enough to keep me from dying, i rlly hope it wasnt , life honestly isnt worth living,, the world is a shit place

[lifesucksheres20bucks]

Thoughts I had for episode 7 of WandaVision

***SPOILERS***

- MODERN FAMILY EP WOOT

- Casual mistake of expanding a town oopsie

- The twins <3

- Oop wanda is losing control

- Wiccan<3

- QUARANTINE STAYCATION

- wanda is like gots no time for kids today

- We love an almond milk queen

- WHOS THE KID MISSING ON THE MILK BOX

- WHY IS THE OPENING CREDITS GIVING ME OFFICE VIBES

- CREATED BY WANDA MAXIMOFF LMAO

- Its a smaller expansion then i thoght

- Hayward hope you die:’)

- VISION

- WHERES DARCY

- “WE LOCKED EYES” I CANT

- Billy is concerned :’)

- HES NOT YOUR UNCLE

- WHERE IS PIETRO

- HMMM

- i know agnes is bad but like i love her

- SHE BIT A KID???

- wanda needs a hug

- JIMMY WOO

- I stg if monicas hook up isnt someone cool

- Okay someone just needs to bring vision to wakanda and have shurie fix him :’)

- BOO ITS NOT REED RICHARD

- Darcy in the circus is hilarious

- Lmao darcy wanting to secretly be on the show lmao

- Wanda really needs a hug

- WHOS ASKING THE QUESTION BEHIND THE CAMERA

- THE FUCKING COMMERCIAL YEAH HONEY WANDA NEEDS MEDS

- billy and the bunny :’)

- WHY IS IT QUIET AT AGNES’S

- i know i should be worried by what billy just said about agnes however im enjoying her too much. All the camera stares lmao

- Also they are really breaking the fourth wall in this ep huh

- It would be funny if the big cameo at the end of the season is deadpool lol

- That truck did not want to go through

- However monica will lmao

- PHOTON PLS

- PHOTON PHOTON PHOTON PHOTON PHOTON PHOTON

- OMG WERE GETTING PHOTON HER EYES

- Omfg

- Another duo i didnt know i needed, darcy and vision :’)

- At least he knows about his death now

- Jarvis<3

- VISION TALKING IN FRONT OF THE TV I CANT

- “IM NOT AMUSED”

- ultron oop

- WHY CANT HE LEAVE

- in what world did monica think storming into wanda’s house would be helpful

- PHOTON

- Oop

- Hayward needs to die

- WANDA U AINT THE VILLAIN STOP

- AGNES STAY INSIDE BISH

- Girls need therapy

- THIS IS WHERE ALL THE KIDS ARE LMAO

- lmao i fucking love vision

- WHERE ARE THE TWINS

- AGNES WHERE ARE THE FUCKING TWINS

- I STG IF THEY DIE

- HMM NEVER GO INTO THE BASEMENT

- NUMBER ONE RULE

- thats def a normal looking, well lit basement

- Def not a witch’s layer or anything

- AGATHA HARKNESS BITCHES

- OMFG

- I KNOW I SHOULD BE WORRIED BUT IM LOVING THIS AGATHA INTRO

- this song just confirms all the things we know already lmao

- WAIT PIETRO IS CONTROLLED BY AGATHA???

- SO IS HE NOT MEPHISTO????

- IM CONFUSED TO WHAT PIETRO IS NOW I KNOW HES NOT PIETRO

- SHE WAS THE ONE WHO ASKED THE QUESTION AT THE BEGINNING OF THE EP

- rip sparky

- FUCK OFF CREDITS

- YOURE THE REAL VILLAIN

- every week i sot here watching the credits bc marvel has fucking trained me

- Why was evan peters name in the credits he wasnt in the ep

- OMFG

- THERES FINALLY A POST CREDIT SCENE

- im guessing thats agatha’s house

- Oop yes

- PIETRO

- MONICAS EYES ARE PURPLE DID PIETRO DO THAT???

WAIIIIIT OMG

i have so many questions

- Is pietro just a puppet??? Like is agatha just using him or is he something too?

- is pietro the one who made monica’s eyes purple or was it agatha??

- I just wanted him to be x-men peter :((

- Oh i just went back to check the scene again. Monica’s eyes became purple when she opened the door, it wasnt pietro

- Why do i now want a monica/pietro team up to save the twins and wanda :))))

My theory rn is pietro is still peter from x-men he was brought into westview from his universe and planted here by agatha. I think hes confused too bc he didnt seem concerned and im jusg hoping we get a pietro and monica rescue team:))

But he might be mephisto, who knows

[ikemeu]

i havent Actually posted here in a while so i thought id do a small like life-update mostly for myself but also welcoming to anyone else who would like to read ♡

i got into the second half of my animal care level three college course!! this should definitely be celebrated as you had to pass a really horribly hard biology exam that had, even the teachers admit, been amped up in difficulty now that we’ve switched exam boards. but i managed to pass! with unfortunately just a pass and not a merit or distinction but i managed to squeeze myself in and, honestly? im happy with that.

im not sure i posted about it here but i had a brief month-long relationship with a boy from my class, who ill call K. i really liked him for quite a while and there was a big intervention type of thing with him, my friend jayde, and another friend jason. K ended up admitting that from the start he felt nothing for me and thought that if we dated he would eventually grow feelings for me. that didnt work out well as halfway he did seem to genuinely like me but once his mother asked him about me and mentioned that she didnt think we’d last long and that he wasnt right for me (she said that i was “too good” for him and that she thought he’d end up hurting me), he changed his mind. we broke up after a month, after him promising to take me to the cinema as a date, after him saying he’d love to take me away on holiday to show me places he thought id like.  we’re good friends still and he’ll send me memes and we’ll joke about in class but it still aches a little seeing him be so infatuated with other girls in my class that are so much better than i am.

during all this, i started jokingly flirting with a girl who i found out was bi. her friend kind of rooted for us always saying we should get together and such and we eventually did. she asked me out and said she really had liked me for quite a while and we spent a month together. we went and did pottery, we held hands, we kissed, we talked about the future. but due to my mental issues i had an episode in front of her and it scared her away.  and recently i found out that very soon after we broke up she had been talking to a guy in a romantic way and i know i should be fine with it but some part of me feels... weird knowing she got over it so very quickly and just went onto someone else. i dont really know why i feel like this but i know ill get over it soon

i dont feel im very comfortable with relationships anymore. every time i get into one, they always say that im for them that this will be the one but it always ends so early with promises of still being friends but it never happens. K will stop talking to me once college is over as i have no real reason to see him irl anymore and B, my recent ex, doesnt seem to hold kind feelings for me anymore.

anyways enough of sad relationship talk! :-) im super happy to say, mostly to myself, that my mental illnesses are getting so much better and so much easier to handle. my anxiety is WAY down, my depression is getting a lot better with help of meds, my ocd has calmed so so much and im overall just a much happier person. i dont really overthink much anymore. i can now dress how i want, do my hair how i want.

my only hurdles now are just a few things. im still afraid of replying to messages if i cant see what the message says beforehand, which is why its hard for me to use apps like snapchat. but im trying to get better at that! and i am! :~)  im trying to be more bold with makeup. im still clueless on what foundation is even for but i think im good on a few other things. i dont have the money for eyeshadow pallettes, i cant do eyeliner due to my shaky hands but hopefully ill get better!! a few of my phobias have popped up here and there but im working sooo hard at getting them out of my life.  i guess the last big thing is that ive been very ashamed recently about liking anime. my whole class knows me as “the kid in our class who likes anime”. im not really known as much else. and i really really wish i was exaggerating. everyone calls me a weeb, in a friendly way, but it still gets to me that despite trying so hard, everyone just sees me as that kid in their class who likes anime. its made me feel a little.. ashamed. 

i LOVE being over the top and bubbly and cutesy and sunshine-y, my teachers are constantly telling me how much they love my smile because they say it makes them happy (and wow, that makes me so warm inside whenever they say that), but for whatever reason, people pair that bright bubbly me that i put out as me trying to be anime-y. and that makes me really sad.  i know i shouldnt feel so badly as liking anime isnt a bad thing! but i think ill try and act more.. normal. i dont like being reduced to one thing, i want people to see me for me and not just for that one interest i have. so even if i have to put out a fake me for people to like me ill be willing to do that i think.

anyways! sorry for such a sad ending. this isnt even meant to be some kind of diary or vent blog but i needed somewhere to put this. appologies for it being so long i honestly dont expect anyone to actually read this ahah

[ishqbaaaaz]

Ishqbaaaz - Sept 28/17 - Episode 378

Starting where we left off with Shivika

Shes laughing at his tadi

LOL hes all up on her and shes like DADI

and he went into a panic

CHAAAAND CHUPAA BADAL MEIN

FUCK ME UP THIS SONG YAS

Look like him trailing his fingers along her arm that shit is so hot

HES KISSING HER SHOULDERS

OH MY GOD GUYS

HES HOLDING HER NOW

NOW KISS HER LIKE YOU MEAN IT

SHIVAAY PLS

HES RUNNING HIS ARMS DOWN HER ARM

hes letting her bangles fall down her arm good lord this shit is hot

kissing her hands

HE PUTS HER ARMS AROUND HIM

KISSES HER HEAD

GUYS SOMEONE CALL 911 I AM HAVING A PANIC

SO MANY KISSES

IM STRUGGLING 

KISS HER SHIVAAY WE’RE SO CLOSE OH MY GOD

FUCKING DAMMIT

COCKBLOCKED BY MEDIA

arent you guys on the roof how the fuck did u hear them

LOL hes like its Shivaay Singh Oberoi’s wedding of course theyre here

especially the beautiful women

shes like wow fuck u LOL

SHES SO MAD LMAO BYE

HES LIKE I WISH I COULD DO A SWAYAMWAR

SHES SO MAD LMFAO

Shes like you ruined my mood

Hes like no matter how many women there are, im marrying you

wow fuck me uP

LMFAO THESE FANS ARE SO AWK

Who is this woman with this tattoo

Why is Khanna just the worst honestly

THEY DONT WONDER WHY THE RUG IS HEAVY?

AND WHY THERES A FUCKING HAND STICKING OUT OF IT?

OH MY GOD HOW ARE PEOPLE JUST ENTERING THE MANSION???

SHIVAAY FIRE YOUR SECURITY THEY ARE ALL AWFUL

This tattoo lady is looking for Shivaay who the fuck is this

Why is Khanna dealing with the wedding shit

babe you’re a bodyguard

Pinky is upset what is fucking new

honestly Pinky you should be thankful Shivaay is even letting you be at the functions because you are TRASH

Dadi is like its ok give him time

what the hell dadi thats some bullshit

Shivaay is using Khanna’s phone to call her and hes like sorry she doesnt have her phone

LOL HES LIKE I CAN GIVE YOUR MESSAGE TO HER

HES LIKE YOU DONT TRUST ME?

“tum pe koi bhi bharosa nahi karta” thats the truest shit omg

This tattoo lady again

ok i need a name for her whilst we know nothing about her

imma call her Ms Tattoo, just easier this way

so Ms Tattoo is creeping outside of Shivaay’s room and just barely evades him

dadi showed up and asks Shivaay to do this one thing she asks him

The functions have begun

Dadi hired Badshah for the haldi lmaoo what

this is the shit they filmed like a month ago when Annika was marrying Vikram LOL and theyre finally airing it??

and here walk in the OBros

why do they always enter together

this is Shivaay’s wedding lmao

hes in the same outfit he wore on Holi

which i dont mind because it was hot as fuck

Shivaay is clearly looking around for Annika

and here my queen has arrived

WHO ARE THESE GIRLS WITH ANNIKA

WHERE IS CHANDA ISNT SHE HER BEST FRIEND

#BringBackChanda2K17

she is also wearing the outfit she wore on Holi

ok but arent they rich cant they spring for new outfits

look at Sahil lookin like SSO Jr.

Dadi keeps covering Shivaay so he cant see omg amazing

Shivaay’s like wtf i wanna see Annika

Abhay’s like she looks BALLER

Shivaay is salty haha

Abhay goes to get the haldi

Om is like have you noticed that Abhay is doing all the kaam bhag bhag ke?

What is your issue Omkara, maybe hes just a helpful person

God forbid you go to help lmao

Theyre like why is he trying to be Raj from DDLJ

LMAO THEYRE MAKING FUN OF HOW RAJ TALKED B Y E

thats so rude lmaooo

OmRu wanna be the first to put the haldi on Shivaay

dadi is like no the first haq is the mother’s

Shivaay looks like hes not having it

oh this is the thing dadi is like do this one thing for me

hes gonna let Pinky put haldi on him

Pinky is telling her sob story

sorry bitch I still dont care and nor will I ever you fucking suck

now everyone is putting haldi on him yes pls lets move this along because i need the wedding nowwww

now its Annika’s turn

Shivaay wants to put haldi on Annika

LOL DADI IS LIKE BITCH U OK?

Shivaay needs a chill pill omg

why does Annika still call Jhavni, aunty? Shouldnt she be badi maa for her now too? 

OmRu are telling Shivaay to chill and Abhay chimes in to help the mood

HE THREW HALDI ON RUDRA

LOL WHY?

Rudra throws haldi at Abhay but hits Omki instead

LMFAO SHIVAAY’S FACE 

Om is so done this is amazing

Omki goes for Rudra but gets Shakti instead

SHIVAAY GOT RUDRA LOL

hes like well fuck i want in on this

Shakti gets Tej

Tej gets Jhanvi omg

What is this nasty version of lafzon ka yeh rishta

Sahil wants to join but hes feeling insecure about his leg aw my noodle

Shakti goes over to Pinky and covers her too

well shit maybe they will forgive her

but i wont 

BADSHAH IS HERE

what is this hilarious mess

I love Badshah but wtf is this

i have so many questions

why are you here

who’s idea was this

why didnt they air this before

were you promoting something

what is going on

WHY ARE THE LYRICS SHOWING UP ON THE SCREEN AS IF THIS IS YOUTUBE LETS STOP THIS PLEASE

Shivaay is using this performance has a cover to steal away Annika yas bby GET IT

Shivaay is covering her eyes and she refuses to open them

because dadi said they cant see each other before the wedding

“tumhe meri kasam” wow Shivaay thats low

Shes like fuck it fine LOL it didnt take much to convince her haha

“Kaisa lag raha hoon mein?” what a damn NERD

hes like nothing will go wrong in our lives now

can we not with the foreshadowing thank youuuuuu LET ME BE HAPPY

PINKIE PROMISEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Ms Tattoo is still looking for Shivaay but taps Abhay instead

Shivaay’s like whatever bad was so happen to me already happened

I HAVENT SEEN YOU SINCE LAST NIGHT

damn Shivaay has 0% chill

he calls it the hardest day of his life

he brought her separately because he wanted to put haldi on her himself

OH MY GOD

ARE YA’LL ABOUT TO FUCK ME UP

YES

YES

OH MY GOD YES GIVE IT TO ME

OH MY GOD IS HE GONNA SAY I LOVE YOU

OH MY GOD IS IT HERE

OH GOD

FUCK DADIIIII

DADI WHY

WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME

OH MY GOD

Ms Tattoo almost made it to Shivaay who the fuck is she

dadi looking for Sahil because its time for his meds

Abhay says he’ll help

Precap: The Obros are in their BBB outfits i still dont know how i feel about them

Pinky is helping and Shivaay is not impressed lmao same

[unicornninjabitch]

You: no one asked for another one of these

Me: yeah i know sorry i just have a lot of emotions and shit lately

(Haha thats a lie all i feel lately is annoyed and pain)

Anyway yes I’m going to complain more about life cause i have some emotions i need to get out and shit. Okay I’m very much a night owl, I have been my whole life, I work better t night and just love the night sky and shit. However 8th grade I was really, super, hella depressed cause of family stuff and school and being totally alone and you know the depression (thanks genes!), so I’d be absolutely TERRIFIED to be left alone with my thoughts. I’d stay up all night on youtube or some cringey website or on tumblr just so I didn’t have to lay in bed and think. Also very closeted, very depressed baby Alex had no idea wtf a healthy coping mechanism was, so I cut and it was bad like an every night thing cause after I did I was suddenly really tired and could almost sleep instantly once it hit like 2-3 am. Anyway I fucked my sleeping schedule up at a very young age, so that habit never left and the earliest I go to bed anymore is 12-12:30, whatever im used to it, not good for me but whatever. Then summer started and I didn’t sleep till like 1am-2am so I chalked it up to “it’s summer whatever”, but then it was 2 am-3am and I thought that was a one time thing, but nope. Now (as in the past week/week and a half ish) I’m lucky to get 2-3 hours of sleep and even then I’m up at like 9 am. As you can imagine this has lead to a good amount of problems, but first one additional thing. Now it’s just me and my mom at our house, but because of hour cuts and paying for school and catching up on bills and other shit we don’t really have a ton of money which means we don’t have a ton of food which means what we have we have to make last. With that being said back track to me getting 2-3 hours of sleep, now my body’s tired and I’m exhausted I just wont go to fucking sleep, but I’m hungry as hell. We didn’t have cereal and milk for awhile, so that left me with pasta like I said I’m exhausted so pasta involves cooking, but I couldn’t do it. I knew I’d be too tired half way through the water boiling to finish let alone eat anything. Also cause we don’t have a ton of money I’d get 2 free meals a day in school so I wouldn’t go a whole day (or week) without eating real food (i mean it was gross government food but it got the job done), but in summer I didn’t get that so I just havent eaten really all summer like i could probably count on my hands how many actual meals ive eaten all summer. So the not eating mixed with the not sleepings fucking awful as you can imagine.I had a headache so bad I had to close my curtains put on sunglasses cover my head with a blanket and put my ice on my head in an attempt to help ease the pain, but WAIT THERES MORE. Every bone in my body constantly feels like it needs to crack and im just constantly really achey (idk if that has to do anything but it hurts like hell) Ive tried stretching and resting but it doesnt help, BUT THERES EVEN MORE!! The not eating!! I can feel my stomach being totally empty besides some water and that shit fucking hurts (idk how baby Alex did that shit) AND A FINAL THING your boy was born with god awful child bearing parts and guess what came up?! That’s right devil week so i feel like someones just stabbing me with a pitchfork while also trying to eject food thats not there. Therefore the past few nights Ive basically been clutching my stomach and head, the heating pad isnt helping, and pain killers arent helping much.

At this point youre probably like “dude just some nyquil” which yeah youre right i should but we didnt have extra money this week to buy any and we dont have any so thats why i didnt do that. Also like I said before I /am/ tired, im really fucking tired and i dont really have thoughts its more like fast and loud static and like energy i have to get out or i get uncomfortable, so the past few nights (last night was really bad) Im up clutching and rocking and snapping and tapping my feet just trying to get rid of that energy. It comes a little bit in the day i was talking to a friend and typing so fucking fast while also thinking about some oc idea and then BAM no energy at fucking all like i had to lay down. This also leads into ive been trying to read out loud to myself so i can try to get my voice lower cause my voice bothers the hell out of me, but i cant focus for longer than like 5 minutes cause of loud static and extra energy and being tired and my eyes being tired so its really frustrating.

The thing is i go to a psychiatrist for my meds and what she told me (idk if this is true everywhere or just how she is) that i had like textbook bipolar but becaue at the time i was ike 14/15 they didnt want to diagnose it cause i was still young. Bipolar runs in my family, just like depression and anxiety, so i wasnt super suprised by that and as i got older i got less scared (theres nothing scary about people with bipolar btw i just didnt know what to expect or think cause of how i saw it in like movies and stuff) i thought maybe i wasnt and i just had highs and lows like everyone else, but looking back i can see that the highs and lows were really extreme and like i said before i was super suicidal last year and just kinda gave up and earlier this summer it took a lot of energy to do anything, but this isnt like doing reckless things kinda high like it normally is and it fucking suck ass guys. On top of that my ever so supporting lately mother was like “look up manic episodes” so i told her i know what it is but she just pushed to look it up so i did and of course i made a joke about increased sexual activity (which my virgin is not) and looked like yes i know. (side note dw too much im going to the doctors tomorrow and im gonna see what i can do about my meds and stuff).

So yeah sorry for another shitty life update (not including tons of dysphoria, isolation, and more self hate but whatevs)

[american-suffering]

Letter to the 17 year old me that wrote this

Well. Its been 5 years. Your 22 now. Tbh some of the things you wrote make me cringe ( like why did i put in that porn section?)

Nonetheless, im going to try to adress the same topics as you (exept for 4, because no.)

1) Studying

So it turns out theirs a really good reason you had such trouble with doing things in high school

Spoiler its the ADHD. I know you think you can just try hard enough, and you’ll be fine, but ADHD is more than just being distractable like you think it is

Poor execitive function is partialy why you have so much trouble doing well, because your not on meds, and without them, your brain feels so foggy im impressed we did anything

Tbh getting on them is going to be great, things will finaly start feeling clearer to you after like years of fog.

Although its not all good news

We missed alot of things in middle/high school, so in college we’re going to have to catch up

And we’re still behind in alot of areas, but its getting better.

Im going to graduate college in May (its October now)

2) Getting help!

We actualy do this one, and we see a therapist for a long time about all of our issues, plus learning how to talk to people about how we feel! So theirs hope

3) Boys/Girls

Ah. So we’re not actualy Ace, we’re Bi, and overall a huge queer (also we’re NB, although im still figureing that one out)

I mean congrats on figureing out we’re not straight tho. Honestly, your at this weird transition point right now, where you know your not straight, but you still kinda think in terms of a bianary (either straight OR gay Or none)

I recall we took a test when we left high school (the are you gay test)

And it said we were either Bi or Ace, and so we picked Ace

You’ll get there tho

No worries

Oh and you date a boy! In the future! And your really happy for like 2 years!!

5) Parents

All is good! We talk with mom and dad alot! So thats going well

6) Future

Ok so. Yeah... your future is. Complicated

You do get stronger! Thats true

You try to use your strength to help people like you always wanted

And you still have image issues but you dont feel as bad about your weight, because you lose alot of it over the years, but even if you didnt, you are still worth just as much ❤️

I wish i could say the sadness, anxiaty, and mental illnesses go away with time

But they dont. They stay, and the depression gets better, but the anxiaty gets worse. Your better about handleing them tho, in the future

Sometimes i miss being you tho

I mean, if i am where i remember writeing this, you’re miserable, liveing in a hotel, with not much food and no money, going through one of the worst depressive episodes of your life.

But the world isnt as painful yet.

You still look at the world with hope, even if your suffering. You still think everyone is good, that noone will hurt you.

And now, im hurting less, i have food and money and freinds to talk to, and im manageing the depression. But im not as hopeful.

Im so proud of you though. You survived, you chose to survive several times. And its worth it. Liveing i mean. You fought your way out of the dark, and i will too. Im so proud of you.

-With love

The 22 year old you

Alex

Advice to 15 year old me

Dear 15 year old me, its ok. You can calm down. I have some advice you probably wont take because your me, and damn it all if we don’t try to fight everything in our lives

1. Please to god, study. Or see a tutor or something. Your future self who isn’t so proud of his low high school gpa than you are will thank you Also, i remember at one point mom and dad tried to pay me to do well in school, after trying every other method known to humankind and failing because i fought with them over everything We could have been rich bro

2. Try to learn to accept help A big reason this part of your life seems so difficult is because it is! You have to be able to accept help from others. I should preface this by saying that i am not good at this skill even today, but maybe if we tried back then it would be easier.

3. Girls/ boys I know things are kinda confusing right now, and i cant promise that will stop, heck it might get more. I know your wondering why the boys lust after girls because they are “hot” because you don’t really understand what hot is, or why that would make them do the things they do I cant say this will change either, but with time you will realize that you aren’t a broken weirdo, your just an asexual dude, which is a term you’ve never heard of, because your sex ed class was to busy discussing mixing diseases in cups and spreading them around to talk about sexuality, but you’ll find out eventually 4 porn Ok, so at this point in your life you are consuming a LOT of porn, mainly because its fun and how else can we get rid of the boners that seem to happen 5 times a day on us. Keep doing that. Ive found that masterbation makes my life less stressful. That being said, learn how to cover your internet history. You will thank me later when a relative uses our computer

5 parents try to talk to your parents and ask them for advice. I know your probably calling me a goody two shoes or some shit, but think about this. Our parents will always love us, even though we put them through a lot. So talk to them, it will make you feel better

6. I wont pretend your future is all rosy cause the truth is life’s difficult, and it only gets harder. But you will also become much better at life, so it doesn’t seem as hard to me as it does to you Also try not to worry about your weight, i know the kids torture you for it, but it really doesn’t matter -your older self, Alex

[petewentzisblack1312]

You don’t have to answer this if it’s too personal but like i know you’re bipolar too and I think I saw you mention you take mood stabilizers… do they completely take away manic symptoms or do you still feel manic? And does it affect depressive phases at all? I’m just talking to a therapist right now virtually so I’d need to figure out how to get medication if we think it’s necessary but I was just curious about a first hand perspective before i talk to my doctor about it

hey, yeah youre right, i am bipolar and i do take mood stabilizers, alongside antidepressants. i mostly experience hypomania but ive also experienced mania. i dont want to say my specific prescription but i will say i take a very specific drug that like only started being used as a mood stabilizers recently, and its like the only choice in its class of drugs that has been approved for this use iirc. your mileage may vary, is what im saying.

anyway to answer you question, they dont completely take away my symptoms, but frankly no drugs can completely take away your symptoms. they do make them waaay more manageable though. like sometimes i can tell that if i was going through an episode unmedicated i would be d*ad in a ditch or something.mostly because ive had unmedicated episodes so i know what it feels like when its Bad.

i do find that my mood stabilizers do make my depression worse, and antidepressants make my mania worse, which is why i have to take both, but they like cancel each other out. i experience pretty bad episodes during pms (mixed i think, thats mostly what i deal with) and since ive started taking my meds regularly theyve gotten infinitely more manageable. i see a counsellor as well as taking medication, and he helps me manage the feelings i have and not feel bad about it bc i have self esteem issues lol.

i definitely think i wouldnt be able to manage without medication as well personally, especially since i was going through a lot besides being mentally ill at the time, but i went through a long period when i was just taking meds and seeing a psychiatrist but not a counsellor and while i felt better, i didnt feel good, not by a longshot. i felt broken because it seemed like i shouldntve had any more problems, but i still had a ton, i still felt unstable and self destructive and i couldnt even really take advantage of the fact that i didnt feel as bad because i didnt really know what to do when i felt bad at all. mind you i also went through a long period where i was seeing a counsellor but they didnt really think i needed to be referred and didnt listen to me when i said i definitely needed psychiatric care and i definitely could not use their advice very effectively because i was not doing great.

bottom line, if just counselling isnt working for you and like you cant get out of your head long enough to implement the stuff you learn, meds can help you get more out of it i find.

[kristens-chaotic-life]

Just Breathe...Update 3

Well I wonder how long this one will take me to write...if I go the rate of my last one it will be awhile. But we will see what happens. (Update its only taking me 2.5 days so far, and I might actually finish it tonight) And I have a good feeling this will be just as long if not longer than my last update.  Personal Growth...my mental health. Something really important. And there is so much to be said here. 

**And just kinda a heads up now that I’ve written a good 3 pages here...this entry is mostly discussing my journey through counseling and talking about how I have an amazing therapist. As well as how important it is to get the help you need (and deserve!) 

***Adding now that I finished this: To some people this entry might seem silly, or weird, or you are wondering why I wrote this. Maybe it doesn’t make sense to some. Or maybe it doesn’t seem like there's personal growth here. But that's ok. I found it to be harder to put down into words than I expected it to be. There's so much more to be said here. So it turned more into my story, my journey. And if maybe one person who reads this can relate, or feel like they aren’t alone, then this blog served its purpose <3

I want to start with sharing something I posted on my facebook back in July:

I have seen a lot of people mention lately about being diagnosed as having anxiety and not knowing what to do about it, or having doctors who do not seem to care about helping. Or people who will tell you its all made up and you need to just deal with it. Or the misconception that if you have anxiety you must also have depression. That isnt true either! But not getting your anxiety under control can certainly lead to that! Sure most people have some sort of anxiety, but some people might need a little extra help managing that, and that's totally ok!! Get the help you need, so that you can be YOU! Not the same thing works for all people. Some might find help in medications(scripts or natural alternatives, I currently use a combo, very low dose med in combination with CBD) or sometimes having a counselor/therapist does wonders or maybe you need both! I can say 100% talking to a therapist/counselor has made a world of difference in the level of anxiety I feel on a day to day basis and managing it. Why am I saying this? Maybe there is someone out there too afraid to reach out, because they are embarrassed or they are being told their anxiety "is not that bad". (I know some people who have been turned away from help because they aren't "that bad" because there are a lot of places who won't consider seeing you unless you are literally mentioning self harm or can't even care for yourself anymore). There are other options ❤ I would be glad to point anyone in the right direction to find one of those places! Just know you are not alone ❤ and that you should not ever feel bad about needing a little extra help! And if anyone ever wants to talk Im here! Do not settle if what your doctor is telling you or giving you doesn't work or help. Keep looking!

(For the record, I am fine. I have not, nor ever been depressed, never considered self harm, and have not been concerned about my ability to take care of myself or children. Just had been an anxiety filled mess! But with the help of an awesome therapist/counselor and an amazing office I have been able to manage it! Other than your normal things that come up and cause anxiety of course lol)

Alright, So I know that I’ve always had a little bit of anxiety. I feel like pretty much everyone does.. Some are able to control it and some need some help.  I used to think I handled it pretty well. I remember having a few episodes of social anxiety where I’d be at a grocery store and get overwhelmed if it was too busy and being like screw this I’m out. Abandon cart and get the hell out of there. This still happens some but I don’t abandon cart since it typically has a child in it lol. I checkout whatever I got and call it a day, and come back when I can. But a few years ago I got into a weird phobia that was overtaking my life. When I had episodes I would be in total panic mode and seriously could not function. I’d shut down anywhere from hours to days where I would do nothing other than tend to this fear. The specific fear is irrelevant so I’m not getting into what it was over. I’ve opened up to a few people about what it was. But really this can apply to a lot of fears or phobias. Finally I decided to seek help in helping me deal with this. My friends didn’t know what to say to help. Zach didn’t know what to say to help. I was embarrassed to talk to people about it. But I was miserable.  So I started counseling. I’d say this was a little over 2 years ago when I started my counseling journey. Prior to that I did see my family doctor and they put my on zoloft, and just kept upping my script to see if it would help. I started seeing a therapist, and she was great. We talked things through, worked on some strategies to deal with what was going on. After a couple months things were fine. Or so they seemed. I was discharged from the office. A few months later things got worse again and I went back to the office. Also started seeing someone  there and having him in charge of my meds instead of my family doctor. That change made a big difference. We stopped my zoloft and switched over to a low dose of buspar. I finally had someone that listened when I said hey this medicine is not helping me. We keep bumping up the script and all that is happening is I’m getting killer migraines! This is not ok. So that switch made a huge difference.  Shortly after that the therapist I was seeing left. And I was switched to someone new. This created a huge panic in me. I had been talking to someone that knew me, knew what was going on, seemed to be helpful and just like that gone, and I’d have to start over. For me trusting someone is pretty hard. And being able to be open is a challenge. So then they told me who they were putting me with, now I didn’t know anyone else in the office so I didn’t have a preference really. But  they said we will put you with Chad.. I just kinda looked at them and was like ummm...soo...if this doesn’t work can I switch please? The thought of telling everything that was going on with me to a male was just not something I feel like I could do.  And they were like oh he’s great, you will really like him. I remember leaving that day feeling lost. Super uncertain how things would go. I did not have a positive outlook on this at all. I was at a place where I needed someone I could be comfortable with and change is not my friend. I remember calling my best friend Gen and being like man..Idk about this. How can I talk about everything I was talking about before with some guy? The first time I was on my way in to see him I talked to Gen again, pretty freaking out and nervous. Let me go back for a second, I was nervous my first time seeing my previous therapist as well, but not like this. So after leaving my first appointment I called Gen back. I just remember saying I think this is really going to be helpful! I was seriously amazed. I left feeling refreshed, having someone with a different perspective on things, I felt comfortable, he prayed with me, and I was actually looking forward to going back. Now I honestly can’t tell you the last time we discussed my initial issue of what brought me in. As that has been something that I have learned to deal with, I can recognize when I’m about to have panics over that and I have my things I do to just keep peace with that. But after handling that other things that were causing me stress and anxiety would come up.  I feel like now I’ve been working on so many other things in my life.  I really do believe that going to counseling has helped me grow in so many different areas. Spiritual, mental, personal. Because of what was going on first, I was able to open up about more things...there were way more things going on in my life other than just that 1 weird thing! Just learning how to control my emotions in general is huge. How to respond to situations better. Reminding me to focus on breathing because that helps regulate the emotions. I cannot tell you how often I am told to do this. Seriously all the time. Because it's so easy to get caught up in whatever it is that is stressing me out or causing me to panic, that after I’m told that I realize yea, my breathing is ALL over the place. Maybe one day I won’t have to be reminded LOL but seriously that will probably be a while. But I’m trying.  I can say that I respond to certain things better now in most cases. If I don’t I can recognize later, like ok yep. I messed up there. I do have quite a few times where I get caught up, feel like I can’t deal and ask for help. Or need extra help talking through things. Maybe too often. But I think I’m getting there.  Sometimes just talking it through I can pick out if I’m being ridiculous or if something really is an issue. And he is always helpful. I have never once felt judgement. Just support. Sometimes the reassurance that I’m being given I really do need. And it is so helpful. Being reminded to have compassion for myself. Knowing that it is ok to make mistakes sometimes, and not beat myself up over it. Just having someone recognize the changes in my life, that I am growing. That is nice to hear. Because sometimes it's hard to see that myself. Hearing the words I’m proud of you, I don’t think I knew how much that could mean until hearing it more recently, especially being said about these types of things(growth). That reminds me that I really am growing as a person. I do credit a lot of my spiritual growth to counseling as well. I am reminded often to pray. When I’m struggling, pray. I know I mentioned that in my last one, but really it has been a huge part. I think that bettering myself mentally has also given me more motivation to do better physically as well. I think it all connects back to my mental state of mind. I needed to put in the work to get better there to get other areas of my life right. And Chad has been a huge part in that and helping me be the person that I really want to be, and know I can be. 

I’ve been asked how in the world can you just open up to someone like that? And let them know so much that's going on in your life. Honestly, now usually it's easy. I don’t even think about it for the most part. But it took time. And trust. You have to trust the person sitting across from you. You have to not feel judgement. If I wasn’t able to open up about so much so that he could know who I am then I wouldn’t have been able to grow like I have. It used to be very scary, and sometimes still can be. He knows so much more than I ever told my first therapist, and because of that I’ve been able to work on so much more! It really is a good feeling. And it's good to have that person that can tell when something is going on. I still remember there was one day I was definitely anxious. I don’t even remember what it was over anymore. But I knew I actually did not want to talk about whatever it was. I was going to just try to let it go. And not too long after I had been there he was like “your anxious, how come” and in my head I’m like dang it. I was trying so hard to not let that show! But of course that's a good thing, and I’m glad he’s able to call me out on that kinda stuff so that it can be talked about and it doesn’t build. I am so grateful that I have such an amazing therapist that I am able to talk about everything, and who is there for me and helping me along this journey to be a better person. I know that there is still a lot of work to be done. And that I will never be done growing. There are a lot of things I’m not great at and need to improve at. But I feel like a lot of people close to me have noticed or commented on my growth in one way or another. And that is encouraging too. 

For the longest time I was silent. I didn’t share what was going on with me. I for sure didn’t tell people I was going to counseling. And so often. I didn’t want that judgement from people. Up until this past summer most people had no idea that's what I was doing. I just had ��appointments”. But I’m not ashamed of it. It has done so much for me! And I feel like it could be so helpful for so many people. I also feel like I’m able to respond to some of my friends better too when they are struggling. I’m able to share what I’ve learned in dealing with things with them. Sometimes when my friends will be telling me what's going on with them and how overwhelmed they are with their lives, or their anxieties or just feeling down, I joke that they need a Chad. Sometimes they will be like well, I don’t think I could do that. I never thought I could either. I didn’t understand it. But really, it's helpful :) And asking for help is OK! You don’t have to go through whatever it is you are going through by yourself. Some people feel like just because maybe you have a great support system you don’t need that extra help either. But that's not true either.  I have AMAZING significant other, friends and family who are there for me and support me. But they didn’t understand what I was dealing with, or why, or how to respond to me and help me. Not that they didn’t want to. They just didn’t get it. And that’s ok! That’s why I made the choice to do what I did. And get help for me. And it is doing wonders for me. I am in the best place mentally that I have been in a long time. And I look forward to continuing to grow, and learning how to deal with things better. 

For those of you who might feel awkward about thinking about asking for help, please don’t. And don’t hesitate to reach out to me. I might be a hot mess sometimes and struggling to deal with my own stuff, but I’m always able to listen to a friend who is in need or hurting. 

And remember, BREATHE : ) (note to myself as well ;) ) 

**I do want to add a few thank yous in...because there are people who have contributed greatly to allowing me to work on these things. Zach for being patient with me while I get myself together, and go through this stuff because I can’t always explain it and I know that's frustrating. His mom for helping with the kids, not only sometimes while I had the appointments so that I could actually go alone sometimes so I could be more focused, but for just helping with them in general when things are crazy because having someone else around can make things so much less crazy! My parents for loving me, supporting me and being understanding of my struggles. Stephanie for also helping with the kiddos, either watching them or doing the shuffle. As well as listen to me vent, even if I’m not making much sense. Gen for always being there for me and listening to all the craziness of my everyday life, and helping to calm me down. I am also super thankful for the bond I have formed and is growing with Christy, April and I and our growing friendship and that we are able to talk about certain things together, it truly is wonderful. Of course Chad for being so great at what he does and helping me get to this point, and honestly going above and beyond to help me. And last but not least, I thank God that I have ALL of these people, that I was led to this place and be able to work on getting my life better, and for continuing to work in my life. **