#try going through a psychotic episode before talking about it

[alixisherebutringagain]

Psychotic episode are fucking terrifying so sorry if I don't like when you use the word "delulu" and sorry if I don't want to talk to you because you think I'm crazy or dangerous and sorry if you think I'm exaggerating BUT FUCK YOU BECAUSE I WAS TERRIFIED.

I WAS SCARED.

I WAS LIKE A KID SCARED OF THE DARK.

HOW DARE YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY.

I WAS AFRAID TO GET KILLED, I WAS TERRIFIED OF GOING OUTSIDE I WAS CONVINCED OF HORRIBLE THINGS I COULDN'T SPEAK I COULDN'T MOVE I WAS TRAPPED IN MY BRAIN SO FUCK YOU.

Fuck anyone who thinks psychotic episodes are funny. Fuck anyone who judges someone for being on the schizo spec. Fuck anyone who laughs at this.

[q8qwertyuiop8p]

Something that has really bugged me about season two is Jinx's hallucinations and PTSD. It magically disappears when Silco dies, save for two scenes. I remember when people on reddit were literally making jokes about the writers going this route because it would be so stupid.

One of the things I loved about season one was the realistic depictions of mental illness that you just don't see often in media. I don't know what it is like to experience schizophrenia, but I have experienced PTSD and paranoia, and seeing how it was represented in Arcane was actually one of the things that helped me through it.

And then season 2 comes around and they just completely neglect this side of Jinx.

PTSD isn't a switch that can magically be flipped off. Recovery is a slow and gradual process. In absolutely no world would Jinx killing yet another family member cure her of her conditions, it would make them 10 times worse. Not to mention just before killing him she has an extremely severe psychotic episode, which would only make forgetting her trauma even more difficult since it was just brought up fresh in her mind.

And what even about the end of s1 was it that healed her? I genuinely have no idea, because she finally chooses Jinx only to once again go back and forth between Jinx and Powder in season two, because apparently all that buildup for her final decision was for nothing.

She does experience two hallucinations (I'm not going to count the jail silco thing in act three because what even was that?) when she sees enforcer Vi and when Sevika talks about the attack at Vander's statue, but suddenly that is all that triggers her?

In season one, just seeing Vi, or even someone who looks like Vi triggers her. But now when Vi is literally trying to capture and possibly kill her she is fine, it's only the mask that bothers her? Wasn't that her worst fear, that Silco and Sevika were right, that Vi only wanted to stop her? And she is constantly triggered by Cait in season 1 but not 2?

And then there was the insulting ending, where jail Silco tells Jinx to 'break the cycle' (something he would absolutely never do) and Jinx finally finds redemption by realizing she is purely a burden and her family would be better off believing she is dead. So she literally kills herself after Isha kills herself in what is framed as an act of heroism (and if Jinx actually didnt, than what even was the point of that scene, besides a cheap fake out?) What happened to Ekko trying to stop Jinx from doing that? What happened to Silco having Singed revive her to save her life after she attempts to take it? Or Jayce and Viktor talking each other out of it? Or Silco choosing to keep fighting rather than give in to the "peace in water"?

On purpose or not season 2 frames suicide as a glorious, edgy, perhaps even necessary thing and it's disgusting.

[pupp0ccino]

My Dust variant facts !

That no one asked for yay! ⟢

If I ever get to coloring these refs the current image will be replaced with the finished product.. also disclaimer, im aware these aren't canon , I just like having fun with characters and making my own versions of them

Dust

- he's a shapeshifter, having three forms. His normal form, Dustbunny, and Ghost. I hc him to have some form of identity/personality disorder (it's unspecified which one, that's up to y'all what you want him to have) so multiple forms with different personalities.

- his normal form, is simply just Dust. Hes the closest to looking like classic sans appearance wise compared to horror and killer.

- Dustbunny was mainly made as a kinsona, and for funzies, but Dust only morphs into this slightly smaller form as a defense mechanism, for he feels 'weak and pathetic' like prey. It's basically just him, but taking more on a bunny-like appearance and behavior. Like dust he's very closed off and quiet, but will rather flee than fight.

- Ghost is the complete opposite. Tall, sadistic and cruel with a sick smile plastered on his face. He comes in when Dust's getting a power trip, or needs to get big and protect himself. It kind of puts him in sort of a state of mania, where he has little sympathy for the people around him and how his actions affect others. He's a meanie, and loves to tease at people when ever he sees an opening

- Dust does not like to look in mirrors, or really have his hood off for long periods of time, nor being looked at. Makes him freak out

- he partakes in rabbit like behaviors, his nose twitches when his curious or irritated, he stomps his foot against the ground when he's upset, and he burrows. Accompanied by his tail being a rabbits tail !

- he's also a vampire, like nightmare, but instead of sucking the negativity out of souls, he just has cravings to bite and drink blood, has large sharp fangs, plus being a total night owl.

- he has really bad avoidant attachment when it comes to relationships, he's in fact fearful of gaining close bonds due to the fact he's lost people he's loved over and over and over and over again, before literally killing them off himself. So he purposely pushed himself away from people to not get too close.

- as in the picture above, he has markings speckled all across his face, it's also the same for his body down his arms and shoulders. He's kind of embarrassed about it, and hates it being pointed out

- he goes through psychosis, and psychotic episodes

- he's a stoner lolz (despite maryjane usage very much not being recommended to people who deal with psychosis...)

- his room is a depression room most of the time, he has a little mattress on the floor that looks like a nest

- he's a monster energy drinker because yes

- he's selectively mute, and has a very low social battery. He doesn't like crowded spaces and only has a select few people he talks to (killer, horror, fell)

- he has a hard time remembering to eat and will accidentally and sometimes purposely go days without eating. When he does eat, it's in very small portions, he doesn't like food like he used to.

- he doesn't like touch, don't touch him he will stab you

- Phantom, the papyrus voice in his head. What he says to dust is based on his state of mind. When he's in a normal state of mind, Phantom is a lot more like how papyrus usually acts , getting on Dust for little things like telling him to clean his room or that he has to take care of himself. The voice worsens as his state of mind worsens turning from silly banter to tormenting him about what he's done, and sometimes papyrus can also be like a Jiminy cricket to dust, a judge to his morals, and trying to set him on the right path. Dust hates this , and rarely ever listens.

- one of the things he does in his free time is play video games, he's your basic gamer boy. He likes to play cod mainly

- another hobby of his is that he likes to sew, and patch work his clothing and fabric items, along with making little plushies.

- bad sans poly bad sans poly toxic yaoi ..

That's it for now , I'll probably add more on later !!

Dust belongs to ask-dusttale

[littlelesbinonny]

The Devil's Den

Chapter 49: In Which Devil's Come Out To Play Pt. 2

You can read this here also: https://archiveofourown.org/works/46831621/chapters/159231340

You'd lost track of the cigarettes Alcina had burned through since the meeting began.

To be fair you'd not even glanced at the clock on the wall since the meeting began.

It had been a whirlwind. Constant interruptions and detours. Flinging, grabbing and shuffling of papers, documents, and items - and with so many people talking over one another trying to keep up with one conversation to the next rendered you to simply sit in your seat, listen to what you could, and speak when you were spoken to. The heated exchanges would come and go; accusations, insinuations, insult exchange, jabs and plenty of unanswered questions that just continue to feed the flame of bickering.

You weren't entirely sure any of these vampires really wanted answers at all. They seemed so occupied in stirring the proverbial pot and tossing hypothesis after hypothesis that they weren't even looking at the evidence in front of their faces.

Mother Miranda had clearly done all the things Alcina and everyone else in the Shadowed Dominion's realm had said - why the fuck was there all this finger pointing and back and forth nonsense?

"I still blame whatever this perverted scheme of Mother Miranda's need to create the 'perfect vampire' on you, Alcina," Marguerite added into the cacophony of noise, "all this fall-apart started with that little human lover of yours; so many more regulations to be a vampire got thrown into place - then you were made a matriarch - Mother's long disappearances following afterwards - there hadn't been such an upset in the underworld until you - "

"Miranda's psychotic little episode that created this had nothing to do with Alcina," you butted it immediately, feeling Alcina's fire light once again at your side, "yes, she believed Alcina was her first real stepping stone to her perfect line of vampire, but that didn't go according to her plans - why do you think she became progressively obsessed with those vampire initiation tests? But this was all set into motion a long time ago, even before she murdered her own child for it."

For the first time in five hours there was a loud resounding silence that filled the room.

Every pair of eyes set on you.

No pressure.

"Excuse me?" Marguerite asked sharply, "and what exactly would you know abo -"

"Would you kindly shut your mouth for five minutes," Verona huffed as she leaned into the table, her fierce eyes shooting the woman's ego in the foot, "let her speak!" The gilded woman softened her face as she looked at you, nodding encouragingly, "please, you know something about Eva?"

You nodded in return and took a deep steadying breath looking around at everyone, "yes... Miranda told me she and Eva had great plans to become the strongest breed of vampire alive so that they could live amongst humans again. They wanted to overrun the human world, take control over it, and to be loved and worshipped like gods. But Eva fell in love with a human boy. Miranda was livid her daughter was more occupied with her feelings for him and no longer their plans, so she killed her."

More silence.

"When did she tell you this?" Verona inquired, heavily intrigued.

"While I was tied to a chair during her attempted takeover."

Another pause, until Verona took a very noticeable breath.

"You must understand, Eva's death has been at the silent speculation of most of our eldest kind for centuries... No one has ever known the truth. This reveal is shocking."

"Exceptionally," Belinda added, "Mother Miranda's greatest obsession was the love she held for her daughter. For her to kill her, it does not seem right."

Verona nodded, "no, perhaps not, but if this is what she told you - "

"Mon dieu," Marguerite cut in, "s'il vous plait, do you really expect us to believe she would reveal such a thing to you in this circumstance?"

"With whatever respect is due," you retorted without missing a beat, "yes, because she did."

Alcina, who was taking another very long drag off her cabriole, had leaned back in her chair to beckon Donna's attention at the back of the room, something was exchanged, and she then threw something into the middle of the table with a loud slapping thud.

"There." She stated with a large puff of smoke, pointing at a thick and very worn book in the center of the table, "in Miranda's own handwriting. A journal, one of many, stating everything you were just told and much more about her plans. Don't ever question the integrity of my companions word."

"Yeah, don't go getting your butthole all hurt because Miranda told her and not you." Karl interjected with a puff of his cigar that was hanging from his teeth.

Alcina almost choked on her own cigarette smoke. 

Karl snickered, "remember, she underestimated our fae-bae here and ended up dead and shit." His grin was aglow with pride. 

Pablo, not hiding his amusement was also smiling from ear to ear. And then with manicured eyebrows raised high to his hairline, reached for the article and plucked it from its spot, "and why wasn't this lovely bit of reading on the table to begin with?" He asked with a glittering smile.

Alcina's visage turned sharp, "because I knew the runaround of this circus would last several hours before anything productive would come of it. Now. Are we all finally ready to put the display of shit slinging aside and get to it, or will this fuckery continue for another five and a half hours?"

You supposed that once Alcina had pointed it out, the vampires decided they were indeed ready to put their feral egos in cages and move forward.

The next several hours were impressively and surprisingly productive. Retellings of what had taken place were told uninterrupted, evidence was looked over, conversation was coherent and almost wholly respectful. Though you did notice after the initial dust had settled, the only person who was more quiet than you was Auguste Winter. You don't think he said one thing through the entire gathering, nor did anyone seem to notice. Whether this was in character for him or not, it was odd. And no matter what, you still did not like how he looked at Alcina at any given moment.

The conclusion to this night ended with the much anticipated tour through Mother Miranda's hide-out adjacent the city. The visiting vampires were unnerved meeting the famous white-eyed mutated vampires they'd heard so much about. The army still stood in their assigned spots without movement, thought, or real awareness to much of anything. It hurt your heart in a way to see them like this. They were once people. Now, thanks to Miranda, they were shells of what was once a person, and not even granted the option of being a functioning vampire. You couldn't help but to feel compassion about the situation they ultimately had no control over. Your choice to allow the use of your blood to see if the vampire and lycan scientists could bring these mutants back into some semblance of normalcy was now at the forefront of your mind. It was a lofty decision but the push to make that choice was heavier for you now.  

As you were being escorted through the maze of mutants, a pronounced and displeased "hrmph" sounded from Marguerite causing everyone to look in her direction.

"This... is what Miranda deems to be a perfect vampire?" She questioned.

Karl's face was blank for about two-point five seconds before responding, "yeah, they're fuckin' quiet."

She hissed in return, "I don't recall asking for your input."

"Well no one asked for your fucking take on it either sugar-tits, Christ!" He barked right back.

Marguerite scoffed again, "these vampires don't seem like much of any threat at all - look at them - not a thing happening in their skulls."

"Hoo boy, something you and them have in common!" Karl huffed, "and you certainly don't listen for shit as to what we've been saying. Just because you can't wrap your puny mind around what went on down here doesn't discredit the rest of us who actually fought them! I have footage galore of the battle we waged - you can't image the fight they put up - these fuckers kept moving AFTER we blew 'em up! I would have loved to see you take one on at full strength."

"Miranda wanted an army she could control, loyal to her command and her alone," Alcina stepped in, "and that's exactly what she made. Can we please keep going?"

Dmitri nodded when Alcina turned her unamused visage towards him and immediately moved on.

As the entourage of vampires finally made their way back to the city after the tour, Alcina and you brought up the rear; your arm was securely fastened in hers and the walk was quiet for the both of you, the others were engulfed in their conversations masking your presence entirely which made it a comfortable journey. Alcina held you snugly close to her side, stealing a quick kiss atop your head as the final approach to the hall came into view.

You made your way off to the sidelines at the entrance of City Hall and observed in silence as the long-winded exchanges before heading off for the day continued. Ishaan was speaking with Alcina, Dmitri was deeply engrossed with Belinda and Emiliano, Marguerite and Pablo were gossiping you were sure, and you were happy to have your back pressed to the large stone pillar out of the way while everyone mingled.

"When this is all put to rest and you're settled, you must come visit me in Italy."

Came a voice that startled you.

Verona had come up from your left, arms folded comfortably across her middle and a warm smiling face with eyes shimmering and beaming at you.

"O-oh," you stammered as you stood more properly to address the woman, "Ms. Giordano - "

"Please," she said holding up a hand, "stuff that formality - call me Verona."

Returning the much bigger smile you felt your cheeks blush a little, "Verona," you repeated, trying to figure how to respond to her request, "that's very kind of you, but - "

"I won't take no for an answer," she interrupted still smiling, "Donna informs me you're part of the Dimitrescu and Beneviento family now so that means you are also mine. I'm a gracious host and you'll be treated like a queen in my city, my nieces can attest to such treatment as can Alcina. It would be an honor to have you... It's been too many years since they've visited so this will give me the extra leverage I need to get you all there."

Her wink was sweet and genuine and you couldn't help but smile, "well, it would be an honor to be hosted by you. Thank you."     "I believe I heard my name over here," Donna's voice sounded from behind you as she stepped out from shadows, "Verona I do hope you're not telling stories."

"Nonsense. Merely extending a well deserved invitation to my house."

"Now that is a treat I could look forward to." She grinned, squeezing your arm as she joined the two of you.

Verona tilted her head playfully, "your presence is also long overdue in my home, miss Donna."

"Then I suppose it will be a family affair."

"A family affair? Oo, I like those, am I invited also?"

Pablo had slunk himself into the conversation somehow and you all looked over at his toothy grin, his eyes gleaming madly at the three of you.

"You're about the only one outside of my beloved sorellas that has an open invitation, tesoro." Verona sighed with slight exasperation.  

He lit up, wrapped his arms around Verona's waist from behind and kissed her temple, "ahhh mi corazón, gracias hermosa. I've missed running amok in the catacombs of Italy with you. It's been too long. You remember the fun and mischief we used to get up to, si? Puro placer!" (ahhh my heart, thank you beautiful.) (Pure pleasure!)

You watched Verona's eye roll but also the very comfortable display or affection between the two and couldn't help your budding curiosity.

"But ah!" Pablo exclaimed turning his attention to you, "the fun we could all have!"

Verona slapped his arms that were still securely fastened to her waist, "assolutamente no, Alcina ti taglierebbe la testa." (absolutely not, Alcina would have your head.)

Pablo grumbled playfully and pressed his face deep into Verona's throat and kissed it fervently, a giggle sounding from her as he rest his chin upon her shoulder and looked at you once more, "you will come to Espania after Italia, no? If you're in the neighborhood, it would be rude not to visit."

Alcina's attention had been already tampered from Ishaan when she first saw Pablo out of her peripheral approach your group, but it was abruptly broken as she watched him leave Verona's side, claim your hand and bring it to his lips to pepper it with charming kisses, "Ishaan, pardon, but excuse me for a moment."

She didn't bother to wait for a response and with five long strides she was upon the scene in a blink, clearing her throat roughly, "Mister De La Rosa." She uttered pointedly, her eyes squinting slightly as he turned his gaze towards her.

Stiffly straightening his back, he risked one more brisk kiss to the back of your hand, "aiii, corro antes de ser azotada!"  (I must run before I get lashed!)

Pablo sped through that sentence so quickly it was hardly intelligible and skittered off in a flash without ever losing his smile.

"The ever insufferable flirt," Verona chuckled, "relax Alcina, we'd never let him get further."

Alcina reached for your hand now and graciously pulled you to her side.

It took another half hour for everyone to disperse after agreeing to the agenda of tomorrows trial for Ethan and Mia. You could not deny you were starting to get a little tired and Alcina was worn herself, it was almost 10 in the morning by now. She kept her arm securely around you as you trekked back to the manor, and you couldn't help but ask about what you saw between Pablo and Verona. Alcina explained they had been lovers at one point many years ago; Verona had been turned in 1837 at a ripe age of 62, and took on the Italian Matriarchy about 50 years later. Pablo was turned at 33 years of age in 1912. He and Verona met a couple years after; he was smitten on sight and chased her for a while, which she finally submitted to being caught in 1922. He was young and rambunctious and it made Verona feel alive, but he was also kind, charming, wickedly smart and a fast learner. Verona saw his potential and enjoyed having him at her side. They had a fiery love affair for roughly 6 years where he learned under Verona's reign, which in turn got him his spot on the clan throne in Spain after earning his respect with Mother Miranda in a large takeover. Ruling their prospective clans got in the way of their affair but they parted ways on pleasant and comfortable terms. They'd remained deeply caring friends ever since, though Pablo was always hinting about them reuniting.

"I honestly thought he batted for the other team, even though he was flirty." You confessed sheepishly.

Alcina smirked, "he does. He bats for every team. Pablo is a lover of anyone he finds attractive... And I mean anyone."

You glanced up at her and smirked, "did he ever make a pass at you?"

She returned your glance with a twisted grin, "once, and it did not go well for him."

All you could do was laugh, "oh please tell me this story!"

As Alcina was beaming with a radiant smile at your amusement and brief recollection of the events, her eyes caught something off about the entrance to the manor as it was coming into view, "draga, is that one of your birds perched on the gate?"

Turning your attention ahead, you narrowed your eyes. Yes, surely there was a large black object sat atop the towering steel gate.

"That's odd, none of them followed me down that I was aware of."

Your mind began to turn. 

Its large black wings spread and flapped happily upon your arrival and you smiled, studying its features in the dim haze of the day setting of the city lights you deduced who it was.

"Ebony, what on earth are you doing down here?"

You both received a few mellow caws as it shifted its head towards the manor, wordlessly ushering you to proceed. Alcina looked at you, you at her, and quickly made your way inside.

There was a bunch of chatter and laughter coming from the kitchen as you entered, neither of you stopped or said a word as you approached the sounds and to your utter astonishment, and Alcina's well hidden dismay, Malka was at the countertop with the girls gathered around a large basket.

Daniella was the first to notice you both and she hopped off her stool, "oh! Hi! Mother meet Malka!"

There was so much happening in your brain the utter fumbling catastrophe of thoughts about made you black out; you were befuddled Malka was here, curious beyond belief why she was here, and half amused beyond all reason and terrified how Alcina was about to react to this.

Luckily Malka could sense the colliding thoughts and emotions and in her brilliant wisdom and necessity to break the wavering tension, she chuckled.

"I do not mean to intrude, Lady Dimitrescu, and I will not be staying!" She smiled brightly, "I was merely dropping off some food for my ketzeleh she was supposed to get today when she came down... she did not however tell me she decided to make the trip early."

Malka winked at you and you felt pretty sheepish.

Alcina swallowed and straightened her posture in the most collected way imaginable, you could tell she was trying to find words but you figured this shock was plenty after today and you, too, should do a little damage control.

"Oh, Malka I'm so sorry. I didn't realize you were getting a food basket together for me, otherwise I would have said something."

"It's alright though!" Daniella added, "she solved our grocery problem for you - that's what Bela and I were trying to do this morning while you were getting ready to leave, but we weren't sure what kinds of foods you liked, so we were lost, but Malka came to the rescue!"

You were smiling now but trying to keep composed, "h-how exactly?"

"Oh, Dani answered your phone when she called." Cassandra stated flatly.

Daniella's face went blank and you could watch the panic unfold in real time.

"W-well it was more of an accident," she began, "you left your phone on the counter, it rang, it scared me, and when I grabbed for it it just kind of answered itself and Malka just started talking so it would have been rude to hang up or not respond so - "

"It was all an honest mistake, but it did pan out in our favor," Bela recovered with a smile of her own, "we're very appreciative of her help and her unintentionally running our errands for us."

You wanted to start laughing but knew this was definitely not the time, so you nodded and went to hug your dear friend, "and you didn't have any trouble getting down here?"

"Mm, no. Dani gave her directions." Cassandra added as nonchalantly as before.

"Yes, the girls were very helpful as was Ebony." Malka hummed, "but as I said, I had not intended to stay as long as I have and I must really be on my way. My grandson has to leave my shop around noon to get to some business. So, my dearest ketzeleh I love you, be safe, text or call me whenever your time permits, and..." she took her gaze off you and turned her attention to Alcina who was remaining professionally composed, "it was a pleasure to have met your darling daughters, and an honor to glance upon the beauty of the Lady of the Underground. I hope we can have some time to really meet and get to know each other soon."

You watched as Malka bowed her head very gently and outstretched her hand for Alcina to shake. 

Brimming with far too many complicated emotions and words to count, Alcina took the old woman's hand and shook it gracefully, swallowing and returning a nod, "yes, yes as do I. Please, allow my daughters to escort you back to the church - "

"Oh, no need for that, I can find my way - "

"Please, Malka, I insist," Alcina said more firmly, though soft in nature, "it would grieve me terribly if something were to happen to you." She waved her hand at her girls and all three of them came promptly to Malka's side, "thank you for making the trip. Your generosity is greatly appreciated."

"You're not the only one who loves this very special girl." She winked, then looked to the girls at her side and held out her elbows, "alright me beauties, lead the way."

Daniella was the first to hook her arm in Malka's and Bela was next, goodbye's were given and the four of them were off.

The door closed to the manor and you waited a whole hell of a lot longer than you expected the silence to last, but you finally peered over to Alcina and cleared your throat.

"Yes?" Alcina replied coolly.

"You handled that really well, I'm proud of you."

She scoffed and before you could make a break for it she grabbed you and held you captive in her arms, "that was both wholly embarrassing and an unneeded shock to my system draga - "

"I'm sorry, I had no - "

"Yes, yes I know, you didn't know and how could either of us ever fathomed... however... I'm embarrassed she might think I'm a poor host not having sustenance for you in my home... It was piss poor planning on my part, but still."

"Piss poor," you repeated with a giggle, "you're starting to talk like me now."

Alcina grinned and kissed you feather light, "mmm, you're rubbing off on me in many ways."

"Even taking a liking to Malka, I see."

She narrowed her eyes, "well... she does seem sweet. She put herself in harms way to bring this to you so I can put my thorns aside for the time being."

"You can just put them away indefinitely, I promise."

"Fine. But please no more surprise visits, mm?"

You nodded.

"Good. Now, would you like to eat? I can prepare something for you."

Her offer was tempting, but you took your bottom lip between your teeth and let your gaze fall down to her figure, "well... honestly... what I would really like is to take you into your room and worship you in this dress. I can't tell you how it's haunted my dreams and fantasies since the moment we met."

Alcina's brows arched and her lips twisted into a coy smirk, "who am I to deny you your desires, draga mea?"

[zaine-m]

Modern university Au and Caitlyn's Very Bad semester

She was a straight A legacy student majoring in poli sci (forced to by her parents)

Caitlyn and Vi have been dating since first year

At the start of the second year her mother was killed in a car accident

Jinx had found Silco dead and in a bit of a psychotic episode and not knowing what else to do decided to go for a drive and drove through a stop sign, hitting and killing Cassandra

Caitlyn was distraught and decided to start an emotional support group on campus for people who've lost someone close to them with Vi's help

That's where she met Loris, Steb and Maddie

Loris lost his father at a young age to cancer and his mother more recently to suicide

In her note she said that she'd just been holding out till Loris was away at university and didn't need on her anymore

That really broke him up, especially because he did still need her deeply

Steb and Maddie both recently lost a close friend, Daisy to suicide

Maddie and Daisy started dating a few months before her passing

They were both closer to Daisy than each other but after her passing they bonded a lot over their shared grief

Along with processing their grief together they worked on anti-suicide and safe driving campaigns around campus

Eventually Jinx's trial comes around and she gets let free with no charges but some mandatory counseling

As she was in a psychotic episode her reckless driving was not seen as her fault so they didn't charge her

This really upsets Caitlyn but vi is happy her sister isn't being sent to jail

"how, how could they just let her walk away free? she killed my mother"

"come on Cait, you know she never wanted to hurt anyone. She had just lost her father, she wasn't in the right mind space"

"how could you defend her like that"

Cait slaps her in the face and they break up

Caitlyn continues running the group but a lot of people leave as she starts creating a more toxic environment with a lot of trauma comparisons and subtle shaming if she feels like that person didn't do enough to try to save their loved one or didn't mourn their loved one enough

Loris leaves with Vi and helps her through her stint of skipping all her classes and spending every night at some party or another

Caitlyn and Maddie end up getting together but Maddie quickly becomes manipulative in a way that hard for Caitlyn to see because Cait's also being an asshole

Caitlyn slowly starts to realize how bad she's being for the group but is pretty stuck in her situation because whenever she tries to talk to Maddie about it she'll either make an excuse for their actions or get angry that Caitlyn might be calling her a bad person

Eventually she goes to apologize to Vi and things go over pretty smoothly

Vi understands why she said that with all the grief she felt and agrees to come back to the support group to try to start making it a better environment again

Vi also doesn't have any hard feelings about Caitlyn moving on and dating Maddie, saying that that's just how things are in university

Maddie gets really upset when Vi comes back

Caitlyn tries to smooth over her fears but to be fair they are making eyes at each other during a lot of the meetings

Eventually Maddie loses it one night and smashes a bottle over Caitlyn's head before hitting her with it, doing serious damage to her eye

Maddie leaves her there bleeding for the night and Caitlyn decides to try to sneak out

She calls Vi sobbing on a street corner

"S-something happened, I need you"

"Cait, it's okay, just take a deep breath okay? What happened"

"god, I-I can't explain. I think I need to go to the hospital"

"okay, where are you? I'll pick you up"

"I'm at the corner of fourth and Stanwick... I fucked up Vi"

"no, you didn't"

"no... no... I did, I pushed you away. I fucked up all our work with the support group"

"that can all be fixed"

"god, I slapped you right in the face"

"you were grieving"

"...Maddie was a mistake"

*chuckled* "come on, is she really that bad in bed?"

*Vi arrives to find her covered in blood on a street corner* "oh my god..."

"she... she..."

"It's okay. This wasn't your fault, okay?"

"...okay" *Vi helps Caitlyn into the car*

Once Caitlyn is feeling a bit better they call Loris and Steb into the hospital

Loris always felt iffy about Maddie and this just confirmed his suspicions

Steb is hurt to learn that Maddie had been manipulating him but very much believes her and gets incredibly distraught realizing how the timing with Daisy's suicide lined up and that Maddie might have contributed to that

Caitlyn has a really hard time coming out of the relationship and dealing with losing her eye

She fails a class for the first time that semester

Vi helps her a lot through it, the feelings are still there between them but they both know it's not a good time for them to start dating

Loris and Steb on the other hand just show up one day with a noticeably different energy between them and Vi immediately calls out "you two fucked!"

After Cait eye socket fully heals she gets really into artificial eyes with designs, she gets one with her family's crest on it with a bit of her mom's ashes in it, one that's gold and blue to match most of her outfits, one that has part of a bullet in it

[bugs1nmybrain]

Bipolar!Shigaraki Tomura Headcanons

I'm writing it. Because I CAN

Before I start, I am writing these headcanons as someone who has been diagnosed with Bipolar Type 1 for almost three years now. I frankly could not care less if people don't think he has Bipolar Disorder, I'm writing this for my comfort and that of others who either have Bipolar disorder or just resonate with the idea that Tomura does.

and I'm also very aware of Bipolar Disorder being stigmatized as something that affects "bad" people. I'm not trying to suggest this, but that Tomura is someone who is neglected of treatment.

Warning: Bipolar disorder as title suggests (Tomura's symptoms relate to type 1 more), talks of depression, mania, psychosis, suicidality, etc, angst?

Tomura has never been given a formal diagnosis and likely has no clue that he has bipolar disorder himself. He doesn't know much about it, either, other then the stereotype that people with general mood swings are "so bipolar."

The doctor knows, AFO does too, but for them, they see it as more ammo for their arsenal to make sure Tomura's life is nothing but agony. He's never been treated with medications or therapy. Nothing.

Because he isn't medicated, his episodes are pretty strong. His manic episodes sort of blend in with his everyday behavior to a lot of people.

It's during this time that he finds himself planning out grand operations against the heroes. Some of his ideas seem unrealistic and not well thought out. They're more just ideas thrown around, and he jumps to gather people and means to carry out his goal before actually having a calculated plan.

He's up all night doing this. But if he's not, he's likely gaming. He huddles up in his room with multiple cans of energy drinks (as if he didn't already have way too much energy).

(semi-canon) will text his comrades at godforsaken hours either asking, demanding, or just rambling about stuff. If he gets an answer, the recipient often finds themself confused because Tomura just talks and talks and talks, and when he's in the heat of some plan or project he doesn't really stop to compose his sentences or even take a damn breath.

He impulsively buys things, like copious amounts of in-game purchases. Or DoorDash. If he's feeling reeeaaal bold he'll go for a whole-ass gaming console if he can, even if his current one is perfectly fine. Or assembling as many thugs as he can and feeling generous enough to overpay them when they definitely don't need the amount of money he's giving them.

You can see how when AFO was arrested, his lifestyle shifted in this regard.

Tomura is already an irritable guy, and so his mania can make it worse. He gets very overstimulated with all of his sensations that little things, like accidentally stubbing his toe, can make him mad as fuck for a good thirty minutes.

He also gets very paranoid about others. When he talks to people, he's already convinced that they are tricking him somehow and he'll read every cue he can to confirm it, even if the proof isn't even there.

Even when he's out in public and by himself, he thinks everyone is mocking, judging, and looking at him. That also comes with being the most wanted villain around, but that's beside the point.

When something finally goes his way, he is HAPPY. Sometimes the League will catch Tomura smiling his face off for no apparent reason (odd for him), and will ask what's up, only for Tomura to CACKLE back with, "ehehAHAH NOTHING!! THAT's just IT!"

They look at each other like, but just let him go about his day. They'll later hear him giggling to himself in his room, and sometimes talking to himself. He'll deny and just tell them he was on chat (his devices are not open and he is standing in the middle of his room).

Because he's not medicated, his mania can trickle into psychotic symptoms. Especially if he's going through more stress than typical. He hears voices that tell him mean things. Sometimes they're the voices of his dead family.

And because he doesn't sleep much, he sees detailed shadows and things moving that aren't. It disturbs him, but he accepts it and tries to just push on. But sometimes if he hears voices more than he'd like, he gets sad and has to grip his head and whisper "shut up shut up shut up" to negate them.

He's delusional, too. AFO's grooming and constant monitoring of his whole life have definitely emphasized his distrust of everything around him. Sometimes he'll think that the people he's gaming with online are secret hero spies trying to get him to reveal himself. He also has a fear that someone is watching him in every location, and he'll think that even the silliest things are cameras or microphones, or that those around him are also spies. Later on, it becomes paranoia that his master is everywhere.

Then comes the doom of depression

For Tomura, he's technically always depressed. But when he goes into a depressive episode, he's pretty lifeless.

He's complacent about his goals. Sometimes he'll get a tiny idea that makes his brain go !, but then he thinks of all the planning behind it and immediately slouches down on any nearby furniture

He'll lay in bed for a long period of time doing nothing. Sometimes he'll try to play a game on his phone but he gets bored quick.

Tends to eat more during this time because it's the only joy he can get. And he gets bored. He is SO BORED

Anhedonia is a bitch

His brain dwells and rambles, yet his thoughts don't make sense to him? He's constantly thinking about how fucked up his life is, how better other villains are, and how much he hates All Might and heroes altogether. He tells himself that if it wasn't for all of that he wouldn't feel this way (relating to the depressive episode).

It overwhelms him and he tries to sleep it off, but he's somehow so depressed that he's UNCOMFORTABLE. His itching gets bad.

He is very suicidal during this time and hurts himself to try and subside it. If you asked him his reason for living, he'd tell you "to see this world crumble." But he's too busy crumbling in his bed.

Psychotic symptoms can occur during his depression, too. Especially if he hasn't slept.

His lack of medication usually causes him to swap back to mania somewhat soon (2 months or so). He definitely has rapid cycles.

Because his condition isn't managed, his brain is sort of in an in-an-out stance when it comes to his literal sanity. He has moments where he can definitely be level-headed (he gets rrly confident when he notices it) but when his anger and stress fuel him more than usual, he spirals and quite literally sees red. Sometimes he can't even tell if he's dreaming or not. Often mistakes the date and day of the week.

:(

I might write a fic of the reader comforting bipolar tomura. I don't think I've ever seen a fic like that for any character.

[all-pacas]

house live-ish blogging: socratic method

lowkey if i were to make a list of my top ten episodes, this one would be up there. good mix of actual case/medicine and character beats, all the team is highlighted, we get to see house bond with the patient and her son more than usual, and the actor of the patient does an honestly great job portraying her… i guess it's not schizophrenia, but she really goes in on the presentation. oh. and the Spaghetti Sauce Shirt

chase why are you like this. why do you dress in the worst clothes

foreman is once again dipping into his role as Team Skeptic, first not getting why house is on the case and then asking someone else about it. i think this is the first time chase gets to be the House Whisperer, though, which is interesting given how this is lowkey a Chase Episode.

love foreman immediately going from chase to wilson to ask the same thing lol. he REALLY doesn't get house showing an interest in someone

i talked a bit in the post for the last episode about how i don't quite buy the hameron scene over the christmas present there (namely: there's nothing to set up why cameron is suddenly going out of her way in this loaded manner, or why house is implied to reciprocate with a gift). however, this episode makes much more sense to me as a launching point for the Crush Era: cameron finding house's birthday and wanting to celebrate it on his behalf, and getting increasingly wrapped up in him not remembering it/not caring -- that's good, because it's very cameron. she wants to be the one to make it matter, the one to make sure house is celebrated and special, and it doesn't occur to her or seem to matter that house really doesn't seem to care much. house for his part seems bemused, but doesn't abruptly reciprocate or act strangely about it. it establishes the sort of push-pull they have in s1 that is occasionally pretty well done: cameron is very good at seeing that house's facade is a facade, and often tries to push through it and refuses to engage with his bullshit; house is curious and occasionally receptive… but cameron also over-reads him and thinks he's just waiting to reveal his soft gooey center (to her), and so she pushes too hard or dismisses real parts of him in that pursuit. which i know i will talk about later. i honestly do find this dynamic fascinating, if doomed to never achieve even an inch of liftoff.

i think this is the first episode of foreman's… lack of bedside manner, lol. he drugs the patient because she (in the midst of a psychotic episode) spit on him; he's angry and he's offended and that's fair, but he kind of takes it out on her, yeah? it's a minor shade of things to come: arrogance is gonna be his Thing.

"i hired you. you work for me." if it wasn't already obvious house liked this kid, house letting him get away with that one is a real big clue lol

the cameron chase "that was fast… did you promise to date the entire lab?" "no, i save that for emergencies" is a cute little exchange. i miss when they were just buddies who kept joking around in an oddly flirty way. like. they're not flirting. cameron is not at all interested and chase is… only vaguely at most. but for real, chase makes so many little comments about her looks or dateability or people flirting with her lol. it's either a baby crush or he's a very weird wingman

"why not scurvy, or the plague?" "gee, i wish my idea were as cool and with it as yours" this house-chase exchange always makes me laugh because within about a year, house will treat scurvy AND the plague

chase really not wanting house's theory to be right… who are you

i've talked before and i will talk forever about the way this episode suggest chase was luke when he was a kid: keeping lists and organized and laying out his mother's clothes and trying to control his way into fixing her. he wasn't passive, he wasn't hand's off, he didn't give up: he was probably doing everything he could until the end. if he didn't already have reason to hate her and resent her, that's a very good one: he didn't just watch her die, he did everything and watched her refuse or fail (or just be sicker than his teenage self could handle); no wonder he came away from his entire upbringing with an outlook of "i refuse to care about anyone or anything," despite how bad he is at just that. but it's fascinating too because outwardly, chase has such a slacker reputation: he's a bit lazy, he's very unambitious, he naps and flirts and doesn't work very hard (one of the main reasons foreman at least resents him) - but he wasn't always like that. (i've joked about it before, i'll say it again: i bet his retcon sister has such a different take on him. can absolutely picture her describing him to cameron as so bossy and uptight and wound up and foreman-ish and cameron just being like ???? chase ????)

"yeah, right. i'm rich, i couldn't possibly understand what this kid is going through --" oddly, i think this is actually the first time the show calls chase a rich kid. i guess the "his dad made a phone call" was a big hint, but it really doesn't come up as often as it kind of feels like it ought to

also rip foreman. i think his asking if chase has experience with alcoholism is like. the first and maybe last time he ever tries to reach out to chase with empathy lmao. chase totally blows him off, so i get why he didn't keep it up, but it's so funny to me. i love their mutual disdain for one another, and i guess you could argue this is where it started.

hilarious/Fascinating that cameron apparently ran to cuddy about house's birthday. why?? what was she trying to accomplish?? Fascinating.

i love this cuddy scene though. she starts off teasing house about his birthday, but house is acting squirrely and she immediately realizes something else is up and even figures out what. cuddy doesn't get the credit she deserves tbh — maybe she's not medically as sharp as the others, but her perception/management/people skills are top notch. love to see her winning

chase's weirdly strong reaction to luke being 15 makes so much more, and worse, sense when you remember that was his age when he became his mom's primary caretaker :))))

they suggest wilson's as a diagnosis a lot in future episodes, which makes it very funny that everyone acts like it's so rare and weird and hard to remember in this one. i mean, it makes perfect sense: they saw it once and know what to look for now. but it's funny to watch them try and remember the name

rip chase watching the kid and his now healthy mother reunite and go live their lives together <3 could never be you

[skyartworkzzz]

I came back to promp another lore ramble

Also could we get a status update on the fic? I really want to see nari go back in time for the lamb

YIPPEEEEEEEEE love me lore ramble!

FIRST AND FOREMOST, OFC!! Heres a tiny lil update of the fic so far! I finally got back to writing it and am just struggling to find out what happens next.......but I promise its in the works! <3

NOW onto the ramble! Yesterday I went a bit ham on my Creepypasta reimagination, so thats what we will be talking about today! Specifically centered around Jeff the Killer CUZ IM THAT PREDICTABLE OKAY-

Anyways! Lore under the cut <3 tw for violence and gore!!

Jeff The Killer:

My Jeff is around his 35 years old and is the younger brother of Liu, who's only 1-2 years older and works as an architect

The brothers share the same apartment, Jeff decided to move in with Liu after living with their parents for a while. Hes currently trying to amount enough money in order to move somewhere of his own

Jeff suffers from depression and has psychotic episodes from time to time, so he has to take meds. Even after he became a killer, he still steals the needed medication to keep his mental exhaustion in check

From time to time, their lower-floor neighbor Ms. Harper calls Jeff to fix her old sink. Everytime Jeff goes over, her son pesters him for fun, which is why Jeff hates him

One day, both Jeff and Liu are invited to the bday of Ms. Harper's son, which was being held at his aunt's house. While in the party, her kitchen sink floods and so she asks Jeff to fix it. While doing so, Ms. Harper's kid accidentally throws chemicals on Jeff's face after trying to prank him with his friends

Jeff is then driven to the hospital by Liu, but they suffer a car crash, which makes Jeff's face melt down and turn pale white. Liu suffered the major damages and had to go through surgeries to put his organs back in place

When Jeff wakes up and sees the damage that was done, he suffers a mental breakdown which leads him to murder Ms. Harper's son. Once the deed was done, he disappeared and started his serial killing career

Jeff cut his lips into a smile specifically to terrify Ms. Harper's son, as if guilting him bout thinking what he did was funny

Before going off the radar, Jeff visited Liu one last time without others knowing, saying he didnt blame his brother for what had happened. Liu, although half-conscious, was able to hear Jeff telling him to go back to sleep

Homicidal Liu:

HONESTLY my Liu doesnt have much of "homicidal" to him LMAO

After the events that led both him and Jeff into the hospital, Liu went through surgeries to recover and was in a coma for a couple of days, which was the time it took for Jeff to start his killer life

When Liu woke up and learned that his brother had disappeared, he quickly volunteered to help and search for him, until finally discovering he was a murderer

Convinced to bring him back to his senses, Liu begged to be part of the police operation to capture Jeff, after proving he could be of use for knowing how his brother worked. And so, he was teamed up with a detective called Jane, who was in charge of arresting Jeff

After much investigation and searching, Liu and Jane finally came face to face with the killer, but came to a fight which led Jeff to carving a smile on Liu's face too and almost ripping his eyelids off like his own. Liu was led back to the hospital after this and received stitches

Seeing as they were lacking experience to capture Jeff, both the detectives accepted to undergo a special training. However, due to Liu's physical state, he wasn't able to finish it and decided to remain on the more schemeful side of the operation rather than direct combat

Given his stitches on his mouth and the horrible wounds his brother left on him, Liu constantly uses a mask and clothes that cover most of his body

Jane the Killer:

Jane works as a detective for the police, she is happily married to a woman named Mary and both live in a spacious, fancy apartment

Her parents were kindhearted and lived with her little sister, Jessie, in a simple house around the quieter parts of the city

Being one of the best agents and praised by the government, Jane was tasked with tracking down Jeff and bringing him to justice. It was during this search that Liu came into contact with her, after learning she was in charge of the operation

Throughout the times they spent together trying to capture Jeff, the killer murdered Jane's parents as a warning for her to leave him alone. But understandbly, that only made her more convinced to seize him with a new goal in mind: kill Jeff

When Liu and Jane received the special traning, Liu wasnt able to participate due to his condition, but Jane carried out until the last step. She was injected with Liquid Hate and gained her superpowers, with the side-effects being her skin turning pale and her eyes and hair black

After the "training" was done, Jane came closer and closer to finally capturing Jeff, but with an unexpected drawback: she was now wanted by the police for committing crimes she couldnt remember doing. Given the new scenario, the detective started working as an underworld punisher

She still searches for Jeff and stays in touch with Liu, now secretly since she is also being hunted down. They both still work as partners from time to time trying to find his brother

Lil extras!

After her parents were killed, Jessie moved in with Jane and Mary, being a survivor of Jeff's wrath luckily for not being home that day

Liu does not know Jane intends to kill Jeff, and she will never tell him, for she knows he will try to stop her

The Liquid Hate project was actually a Proxy experiment, organized by one of Slenderman's Agents who was also the scientist in charge of the special training Jane and Liu received. Jane became a Sleeper thanks to said experiment, with homicidal tendencies she is luckily able to channel to wanted criminals

That is all for now! Theres a whole lot more I havent said here cuz omfg thats too long already

MAYBE ONE DAY ILL BE able to write my own fanfictions about these, who knows

Anyways! Bless chu for the curiosity <3

[tigressaofkanjis]

Scooby Doo in Arkham Asylum

The gang heads back to Gotham City for a gadget and trap convention hosted by reformed Kirk and Francine Langstrom, Man-Bat and She-Bat respectively. However, they notice Killer Croc a.k.a. Waylon Jones, who is a decent friend of the Langstroms, grows estranged and has to leave early. A few scenes later, the convention is attacked by a giant crocodilian monster with red eyes. Everyone panics and Batman is called, but the supposed Killer Croc escapes even with Mystery Inc. trying to help the caped crusader.

Waylon is confronted complaining about his headaches and promptly arrested in violation of his parole. The gang sees Croc looks distraught and go to talk to him back at the asylum where they encounter many other Batman villains. They find something fishy with Croc's conviction going over his file as Waylon's structure doesn't match the profile of the pictures of the crocodilian monster, especially the eyes being different, Waylon's yellow to the monster's red. Before they can investigate further, they are shut down by a guard named Lyle Bolton who finds humor that Waylon just couldn't keep his darker side at bay. The gang then also notices all the villains don't take well to Bolton's presence but disregard it upon being distracted by Batman's assessment of the situation.

After a lengthy investigation in the asylum to prove Killer Croc's innocence, with Shaggy and Scooby shenanigans with some of the Rogues, they encounter the monster within that seems to be targeting and attacking the asylum and the Rogues making everyone believe Killer Croc's gone psychotic like a wild animal. With Batman's permission, they team up with Bane, Scarecrow, the Langstroms and many others to capture the nuisance, letting them out of their cells to explore the unknown mystery of the monster as Waylon also goes missing.

Near the end, Waylon finally snaps and becomes hellbent on tracking the imposter down as well, protecting Mystery Inc from the monster in a showdown. Teaming with Scooby which Croc tolerates to a degree, they trap the monster who is revealed to be upon the formula wearing off Lyle Bolton who was defaming Killer Croc. It is deduced Lyle didn't believe any villain should have a chance at redemption and stole Langstrom's formula to use a version of it with a crocodile's DNA to terrorize Gotham into no longer supporting the rehabilitation programs Bruce Wayne set up for people like Waylon to walk among the normal people and use their abilities for good.

Killer Croc reveals the reason he was getting the headaches was because he had been sensing the crocodile monster the entire time and was trying to keep his aggressive side at bay in fear of being ridiculed for the latter growing defensive hearing the monster constantly. It is also revealed through clues Lyle had been abusing his authority at the asylum to keep the guards and inmates subdued by blackmail and unethical practices. Lyle Bolton is arrested and placed in the same asylum after he snaps where the villains aim to teach him a very *painful* lesson (implied).

With Killer Croc's name cleared, Batman thanks Mystery Inc and the gang befriends Killer Croc. Scooby and Shaggy get a brief scare when Langstrom transforms into his Man-Bat form as a joke but find the giant bat and his reptilian friend take a real liking to Scooby finally confirming Killer Croc is redeemed and Langstrom has complete control over the Man-Bat half after years of practice. The gang, Batman, and others laugh at the jumpscare knowing neither animal-based villain would harm them.

Takes cues from "ManBat and Robbin'" and the Scooby-Doo and Guess Who episode, "What a Night, for a Dark Knight!" but I want someone other than the Joker as the culprit behind the mask and give Killer Croc a chance at redemption.

[january-summers]

Just thinking about some AUs.

Like: Wash having served on a similar ship to the MoI pre-Freelancer. Similar, but ever so slightly different in lay out so he keeps trying to auto-pilot navigate and getting lost, and Alpha's watching on the camera feeds and at some point just hits "this is too pathetic, i gotta step in" like any back seat gamer watching a let's play, except he actually can... if he can figure out how to get away with it.

So he comms Wash, either through a direct link in his helmet or through a regularly intervaled wall radio. "Uh yeah, I'm... uh... you can just call me... Church? I work in the... uh... yeah don't worry about it but I can see you on the camera feeds, again, and man i gotta tell you for a bad ass space marine this is pretty sad. Tragic really, anyway, turn around, 200 meters and take a left-"

And it keeps happening, and sometimes they just hang out, Wash hiding in a storage closet eating contraband foods (the good chocolate) while Alpha drops some funny stories from the command deck.

And Wash casually mentions him in talk with the other Freelancers, but they never get to talk to Church, and Wash can't introduce him properly, so everyone refers to Church as Wash's imaginary friend.

(... and then no one can figure out why all the AI are low-key obsessed with Wash, like they need him to like them even though he's not their human operator.)

or like (possibly the same AU): There is no Epsilon, Alpha has a moment of clarity about what's happening to him, what's being done to him, and fakes a fragment in order to port himself out and get put wholesale (what remains of him) into Wash's head. It's still pretty traumatic for both of them.

And then they skedaddle, go into hiding somewhere no one would ever think to look for them. Disguised as a sim trooper in a box canyon in the middle of nowhere.

... also thinking about Price deliberately pushing Wash's buttons and trying to provoke his PTSD so he has an excuse to put him on meds, except the meds are (on purpose) meds that Wash knows messes with his head and leads to psychotic episodes and he wouldn't take them, damn the orders, if he knew what they were.

but he doesn't, and he gets into a fight in one of the communal kitchens without his armour on and the first thing the other Freelancers know about it is when they get called for back up to the kitchen to help subdue a man that just killed three other Freelancers (bottom of the pack no-name annoying assholes no one liked or would miss anyway).

'cept the other Freelancers don't clock that it's Wash, because he's out of his armour and Wash is almost never seen without his helmet, unlike the others, so they aren't used to his face, and when they think of wash they think of bright yellow and steady charcoal greys, not "holy fuck that's a lot of blood did he fucking roll in it!?!?" reds.

But by the time they get there, psychotic episode is over, and Wash is in a semi fugue state, kinda clock's Carolina's blue and that he might have done something really bad, so he just drops the knife away from himself and half collapses to his knees like a puppet with cut strings, manages to lock his fingers behind his head before they try to tackle him to the ground.

Wash gets away with a slap on the wrist, and like a months probation. (Director was in on the 'experiment' to begin with, and now they're already down three Freelancers, no need to make it four. ... also Director won a bet about whether Wash could take on/out more than two opponents at a time.)

[yurisorcerer]

Where to even start.

I tried to just list the events that occur in episodes two through four of BanG Dream! Ave Mujica but I think the stuff with Mitsumi/Mortis is most important.

Wakaba Mitsumi, Ave Mujica's guitarist and thus the person at the core of the band's sound, makes a truly horrible flub in an interview, and later freezes up on stage, sitting stone-still before the audience.

Not long after this, she experiences what certainly seems to be some kind of psychotic break, and a dissociative alter, naming herself Mortis after Mitsumi's AveMuji stage pseudonym, takes over as the primary personality.

Mortis proceeds to hog the spotlight in interviews, leading to a bunch of tension that eventually breaks up the band. The dolls no longer exist. We are four episodes in out of twelve and the band our show is named after is gone.

What is any of this? Usually when I ask that question about a show it's rhetorical, but genuinely, where is Ave Mujica trying to go with all of this stuff?

An acquaintance has been watching this show ahead of me (because of the fucky subtitle situation in English, naturally), and they've described the series as veering into more of a horror direction after the first episode. I assumed they were joking or, like, wildly exaggerating but no this really does read that way. Especially episode 3 with its deeply deranged visuals, culminating with Mortis in the smaller "doll" form she takes on in headspace eating Mitsumi. This is of course at least semi-figurative and Mitsumi is probably not really "dead" in any genuine sense, but she's clearly in a very, very bad place. And, I mean, the figurativity doesn't change that we saw someone get eaten alive in a fucking Bang Dream anime.

I have no idea. I'm finding it hard to form many coherent thoughts on the show's themes or deeper meaning simply because it's been such an overwhelming torrent of energy that I've found forming many coherent thoughts at all pretty difficult. Watching this week by week must be tough, but catching up on these episodes right in a row was exhausting. I feel physically tired.

There's always the boring question I guess. Is the show's depiction of Mortis problematic? It definitely falls into the whole "evil alter" tradition, but, we should keep in mind she's not like, actually killing anybody or anything. I think it's easy to get your senses so flooded by the show's overpowering aesthetic sensibilities that you lose track of what it's actually doing. I think that's where I'm at right now.

Plus, I mean, I---we---don't really talk about this in our criticism because it's rarely relevant, but we're a system too. Internal opinions are somewhat divided, but Ediva and Opal, the two of us who write these posts in the first place, don't think the usage of the trope (to the extent that that's even what this really is) is anything unforgivable. We've had some experiences with "bad" alters ourselves.

As for the rest of the show, I'm really interested to see where this goes. There's still a full two-thirds of the show left! What the fuck!

[skys-archive]

TW TALK ABOUT PSYCHOSIS AND PARANOIA

Guys I can tell this is gonna be bad

I'm out of my antipsychotics and people are testing me so hard. This is the worst time I'm going to go psychotic.

My boyfriend of a year and a half is at basic training right now for the army. I haven't talked to him in about a month because of this. We weren't able to see each other for a while beforehand for reasons that don't matter related to this post, but a few days before he left he showed up at my house with a few of my things and basically was just there to reassure me that he was safe and okay and would be leaving that Monday for basic.

Today my best friend called me and asked me if he was engaged. I said no, she asked if I was sure. She sent me a TikTok. It was one of those "you may have dated him but I get his last name" posts with a picture of my boyfriend(??) and her together and her hand with a ring. Part of the thing is, this was posted in May. When we were still very much seeing each other very often.

I'm very, very confused. He's not the kind of person to not tell me things, we've been together and serious for a long time and I genuinely love him more than I've ever loved anyone before. It somehow feels so so fake. Hes never dated her as far as i know i didnt think he even really liked her. If it is fake, a thought I have is that, his parents are very very homophobic. They've constantly pressured him into being straight and marrying a woman. I feel in my heart that there's some explanation that makes sense. But I don't know if that's real instinct or if that's my delusions getting the best of me.

If it's a thing for his parents, why would he never tell me? If he didn’t love me, why would he keep seeing me? It's not like it was for sex, I'm asexual.

I feel like there's an explanation. But I can't get one right now. He's at basic, I can't talk to him, i wasn't able to see him much prior so I never found out the address of where he is so I can't send him a letter. I have to wait several weeks.

And on top of this, I'm finding out that other people knew. Other people knew this and didn't tell me. It's starting to make me think people are out against me. It's making me think people are trying to hurt me as much as possible.

I've struggled with paranoia and psychosis for years. With my boyfriend, I've always had the issue of other people. I will admit, before I knew him he really wasn't a great person. He did a lot of things he shouldn't have. Before I met him he started to get better. He is truly a great man now, and I'm really proud of how far he's come and how much he's grown. But anyway, a lot of people knew him before. A lot of people don't like him. The whole time I've dated him, I've had people telling me he'll be bad for me. That he's grooming me, he only wants me for sex, he's bad for my mental health, etc when all I've ever seen is the complete opposite. He never pressured me into anything sexual, I've been happier with him than any other time in my life. And quite frankly about the grooming just, no??? He's not???

But im psychotic. I have paranoia. I have delusions. On multiple occasions all of these things people say to me have gotten to my head. I've gotten thrown into episodes convinced he's playing this long sadistic game to hurt me as much as he possibly can. Nearly every time there's a misunderstanding, it starts to make me panic. I start worrying that people are right. And that if they are right they'll never have sympathy because "i should have seen the signs". Every time, he and my best friend have helped me pull out of it. To recognize that I know it's not true, I have proof it's not true. They're patient and loving and caring and do everything to help me be okay when I have psychotic episodes.

But right now I don't have that. I can't talk to him. I can't talk through what I'm feeling and thinking and what's scaring me. I can't have him help me explain everything. And I can't with my best friend either. Because we don't fully know. We don't know what's going on we don't know if it's true we don't know why thus happened. So she can't sit there with her logic as she always does. She can't say that she's seen me be happier and watch how great he is for me because all of this is so out of the blue that we don't know. We don't know what's going on.

And to top it all off im not on my risperidone right now because I had an issue with refilling my medication and US pharmaceutical industry is shit. So I have all of these things eating away inside my head and I don't know what to believe and I'm not even on the medication that helps me deal with it.

I don't know who to believe I don't know what to believe. How can I believe my instincts that there's more to this than I'm seeing if my brain is full of delusions that make me believe myself against all facts. I'm once again convinced that this was a game. That he decided to play the long game for two years and being fake and do everything to love me and treat me wonderfully and just be perfect only to rip it all away from me when it would hurt the most. And I know logically this can't be true can it this can't be real. He's never like this. Who plays the long game just for their own sadistic tendencies BUT PEOPLE DO IT. People are sadistic people like to see others hurt.

I don't know. I don't know what to do. I have several weeks until I can figure out the truth. Several agonizing weeks of letting delusions and paranoia flood my head until I'm back in that awful spot I was all over again.

I'm so scared. I can't fix it this time. I can't pull myself out of the psychosis. I don't want to go back.

I don't know what to do.

[swiftbluelightning]

[A video is attached as Astra storms onto a stage in front of a crowd of muttering and chattering onlookers.

"Eyes! On! ME!" She yells, and the crowd snaps to silence. "Team Plasma's rhetoric is misguided at best and dangerous at worst. While I won't stop you if you truly want to re-examine how you engage with your Pokémon, listen to me first.

"We as trainers, owners, friends, do not only take from our partner Pokémon. We give as much, as well. We give them home, and kindness, and support, and they return the favour. Without each other, we are lesser." Astra points to a member of the audience. "You! Red shirt, brown hair. Where would you be if you let your Pokémon go?"

"Uh... my Minccino helps me a lot around the house," they stammer, startled. "I... have trouble keeping things organised, and working up the energy to tidy up, so they help keep things from getting out of control."

"You! Blonde hair, grey hoodie!"

"...My Pokémon helped keep me going through some really rough times," the person responds. "I thought... I can't leave them alone. So I kept pushing. And now I'm a lot happier."

Another member of the audience raises their hand. "My Alomomola helps keep my symptoms managed when I have a flare-up."

Another. "On the days I need to use my wheelchair, my Elgyem helps me up and down the stairs."

"My Herdier's a trained service mon to help me through my psychotic episodes!" Someone else pipes up.

The audience fills with people, all talking over each other in an excited, communal ramble as to how their Pokémon enrich their lives. "You see?" Astra calls, and the crowd settles. "Without Pokémon, we would all struggle, not just the people who train them for battle. We love and care for them, we give them a safe space and homes to return to, security in their food, and they pay us back in kind! Ghetsis and Team Plasma speak of a 'truer' world, where Pokémon and people are separated entirely, not two halves of a greater whole. What truth is there in that callousness? In that division? When so many would struggle without their Pokémon by their side? To hell with that 'truth'!" She yells. "If it makes me an idealist, delusional, blind to the truth to say Pokémon and people enrich each others' lives, then I will call myself those things a thousand, a million times before I accept the world Plasma wants to bring about. They speak of a purifying flame, a great wildfire to bring about a better world, but all that will give us is ash and dust. There is no such thing as a 'blank slate'; our biases and ideologies will always permeate the societies we build in the wake of things, and I, for one, am not keen on letting the ideologies Plasma preaches be our guide! We cannot expect some grand revolution, some baptism by fire, to give us a better world. We fight for it, tooth and nail, day by day, side by side. We fight for it by being kind to each other, by extending a hand in friendship, by calling out what we deem unfair. I am no hero. This world doesn't need heroes. It needs kindness! It needs love! It needs Pokémon and people side by side, understanding and learning and making mistakes and forgiving and trying! You do not need to do some sweeping thing to change the world! Just be kind!" Astra declares, breathing heavily.

It is hard to make out what the crowd murmurs to each other, but the sentiment seems to be positive as they slowly and steadily disperse to go about their day, leaving only two people, an old, muscular, proud man, and a young purple-haired girl, who both approach the stage.

"Well spoken, young madam," the man says gruffly.

"Yeah! That was really cool, Miss Astra! It's nice to see you again!" The girl chirps cheerily.

"I'm glad to know it went down well," Astra sighs, sitting on the edge of the stage. "That took up most of my social energy for the day, so shall we make this quick? I hear you're foremost experts on Dragon-types."

The video ends there.]

[granulesofsand]

TW: Programming talk [not in depth]

I saw you answer an ask about RAMCOA and questioning if someone suspects they have been through it, something like that. I have a similar question, definitely from the same vein, and I'll try to keep this relatively simple. Some context is required for our specific case and why we are asking, but a general answer is also appreciated.

My general question is that: could someone not remember the RAMCOA they experienced?

I have suspected that my system contains programmed alters, but we have no tangible memories of RAMCOA. I feel like I would remember something like going through RAMCOA, if that makes sense.

This question comes from a place of pure ignorance, to be so honest and upfront. I've tried to do my due diligence when looking into RAMCOA and others' experiences, but every time we look into it, we have to take a huge break because of repeated triggering of what we think would be one of the programmed alters we suspect [of which there are five alters we suspect are programmed]. On top of that, bringing up him, and the subsystem he's from [all of which are suspected to be programmed alters], in therapy has been counterproductive for our safety. The last time we tried, he [the specific alter] triggered us to have a psychotic episode for 2 weeks, and it was dangerous for us. It was such a drop of a pin, snap of a finger trigger that it was jarring and terrifying. Straight up terrifying. I haven't experienced an episode so severe since I was medicated for my psychosis symptoms [so like,, 6+ years].

Our therapist tried to reassure us by saying that 'your brain split him because you needed him', but I cannot FATHOM why my brain would split off him [whose sole purpose is to trigger those episodes, as well as a second purpose I won't state] or any of the alters we suspect are programmed. They cannot deviate from whatever purpose they had before, and our usual approach with getting alters to work with the system, rather than against it, simply does not work. New approaches? Those don't seem to work either [or we just haven't found a way yet, ig]. He and the others can't deviate from what we call their 'scripts', just for the sake of labeling the experience we're going through. We don't even know if that [scripts, but in the way we are using it] is specifically a RAMCOA term, but we can't understand their behavior and that's the closest thing we can call it without calling it 'programming' or 'programmed behaviors', which we are unsure of it actually being that because of the lack of memories of RAMCOA [circled it back to the question].

Feel free not to answer this ask and straight up delete it. Your system's safety is more important to me than knowing the answer /gen/. Especially since I can't even say I will see you answer because I don't follow you, and likely one of the two gatekeepers from that bunch of [suspected to be programmed] alters will eat the memory of sending in the ask. I just generally don't have a place to ask this, and bringing it up in therapy isn't an option at this current time if the specific alter keeps getting retriggered. The only reason the gatekeeper of the subsystem [of the possibly programmed alters- the gatekeeper is his own can of worms] is letting me send this ask in is because of the anon feature and not being a follower.

🗝️🏷️ deprogramming, programming, neither with much detail

As always, I can’t tell you anything for certain. You can take as much of this answer as you find useful, and it’s just as good if that’s none of it.

You can absolutely have survived RAMCOA and not be aware of it. Systems are usually programmed so they don’t remember, and that can include the alters with the jobs.

Our system was designed to have at least three alters for every program; one who was present for/remembers the pain of the programming, one who formed in response to/to hold the beliefs of the programming, and one who carries out the assigned task.

The three are usually together under one shell, which looks like one alter to the rest of us, and have amnesia barriers between them. Sometimes they’re in different areas, or have some kind of bond that connects them in separate forms.

We also struggle with uncooperative insiders. Building trust takes a long time, and they were not sitting patiently while we worked on that. They had been taught to view the others they were hurting as subhuman, and continued to do their assigned tasks and disrupt healing.

Programming isn’t required to get alters who function this way, but deprogramming follows a similar process.

When the symptoms are present, or if you can interact with this insider without those, ask them why they do it. Ideally, start respectful. Keep asking questions, and acknowledge the good of whatever they’re doing— that helps them to feel understood, and they will have some reason for doing their task.

Sometimes the first answer (that isn’t cussing, staring, or leaving) is along the lines of “because I want to” or “you deserve it”. This is where you ask follow-up questions, such as why they want to or what you did wrong.

It might take negotiating to speak to them at all, and they’re likely to give an answer that riles you up. Regardless of what they meant by it, you have the bestest (/src) role of mediating and gentle parenting them. You might not actually be much better, but you gotta present a face that they can trust, and you can’t break that trust once you get it (as in try not to and make repairs when you do).

With programmed systems, a lot of alters are formed while the body is young. Our group programmed to have systems regulate themselves by 13, and programming typically stops before the system is expected to start their own life around 20. That often leaves insiders, particularly those who never surfaced, stuck at whatever developmental age the body was at when they were trained.

It’d be easiest to ask them how hold they are and how old the body was when they were around, but you might be guessing if they’re not talkative. Try not to talk above their developmental age, and use basic words where you can without using a baby voice at them.

Showing fear is unlikely to help, but so is aggression. Meet them where they are, match their tone and posturing unless it triggers defensiveness in them, and practice asking questions without interrogating, which some programmers teach lockdowns for.

And that’s the game; you keep trying and make sure they can understand when you address them. Working on memories happens when they’re ready for it, so you likely won’t have confirmation for a while.

In the meantime, make sure they’re comfortable wherever they are (as opposed to stuck in memories), and make some safety plans until you can ask for their jobs to be undone or turned down.

I think asks are supposed to show up in your notifications when they’re answered, so maybe you’ll see this. If you do, I’m sorry it’s all vague and grueling. Welcome to deprogramming, whether you need it once or a thousand times over.

[waihtie]

Gsksudhajsggd

Season 2 Episode 20 - What Is and What Should Never Be

So I wrote out it all out, and it was long, then my brilliant brain deleted it all. 🙄🙄🙄

So let's see what I remember:

○ First, I mentioned how Dean insisting he go alone means he's for sure gonna get caught

● (and then I was right)

○ Everyone Dean's ever saved is dead in this Djinn world bc he wasn't there to save them. Hundreds of people.

● And everyone John saved too.

○ I know I got emotional over Dean seeing his mom alive* for the first time since he was 4

● And when Mary told Dean that John died in his sleep of a stroke, and Dean said

"That's great."

Which sounds bad, but he's happy his Dad got to live and die without monsters

○ I loved how the photos in Mary's house were all actual photos of young Jared and Jensen

(which is why I deleted everything. I spent hours trying to find a way to screenshot that to show you guys)

○ Dean was so excited about mowing the lawn bc he has been so deprived of normal life his entire life.

○ Thought it was funny how Dean squeezed Jess so hard when he saw her, even though he only met her once before she died

● (Though I do get that he was happy bc Sam got to be happy)

○ It was so sad when Dean was struggling with having to sacrifice everything good he and Sam could have, like in this fantasy world, for the responsibility of saving so many people

○ I remember saying how this perfect fantasy was crumbling for Dean.

● Everyone kept treating him like an alcoholic

● Sam acted like he was so much better than Dean

● Him and Sam were not close

● Sam turned Dean down when he wanted to go out and celebrate with him.

● "We have nothing in common"

○ I was confused about the girl who was following Dean

● At first I thought she was a spirit, and that she was there bc Dean could never be truly happy in a world where he isn't hunting.

● But then we find out it's reality slipping through the cracks. She's a real person who is in front of real-life Dean.

○ Thought it was funny how Sam thought Dean was having a psychotic break bc he was talking about monsters and having to hunt them

○ I was confused how they were going to fight a Djinn if they weren't in the real world

If you'd read my original write-out, you'd see how I talked a lot about things that were confusing me, only to find out in the end that we, as viewers, were supposed to be under the impression that he was in his world, and the Djinn had granted his wish, and not know he was actually in a fantasy.

I know this was messy and what-not. I really, really, wish I had what I was writing as I was watching

○ This episode upped Dean's tied-up count for the season to 4

I hope I got it all. I know it's really not the same.

○ Oh, I almost forgot - I was happy to see Dean wearing only a necklace. (Idk how I could forget that)

[dominijoyce]

Some Feelings About Disco Elysium

I wanna say, I've never really related to the need of wanting more represantation of your culture and/or community. I understoon the idea and why actual represantation beyond headcanon and fandom interpretation was something many people strive for and need more of. I just never personally could relate to that need - even if it revolved around cultures and communities I am a part of.

Yes, I was always happy when I saw a represantation of those like me, especially if said represantation is positive but I never felt that "I needed this".

Well at least not until playing and finishing Disco Elysium.

I do not want this to be some extremelly long personal post so I will not go in detail of the game itself but as someone who has suffered from psychosis for years now, I don't think I have ever felt so close to the protagonist of the game as I did with Harry.

While I also see Harry as plural, For the entire game I couldn't help but keep thinking how Skills [and items like Necktie] talking to Harry is quite literally how I experience everyday through my life with auditory hallucinations that incidentally do manifest as random inputs out of nowhere in my head that are impossible to locate the source from.

And the way Harry talks, the way he interracts with the world - even if you decide to only pick the most "sane" of the given dialogue options, you still may struggle heavily to be seen as "normal" by other characters in the game. That one is something heavily personal to me as well - when even at the times of me trying my best to mask, the symptoms and effects of my psychosis among other mental disorders still manage to come out and possibly freak others.

And just... In general showing Harry's struggle and him being intense and quite often not being sure what was the intention of his actions either, not knowing why he cannot put the phone down, not being able to stop what he's doing even when he knows he already failed [specifically talking of when you lose a Check but cannot back out even if technically nothing is stopping him from shutting up or not continuing to harm himself, etc.].

He is lost, yes he is a complete amnesiac so that's given but even in later stages of the game where he recovers some parts of himself and the world around him, he is still struggling and quite often openly talking of needing a break and just, stoping everything around him.

I could go on, yes but it would be repetetive of me and if you played the game you probably are able to yourself name multiple other characteristics of Harry not being "sane" no matter how hard he/player might try.

I'm listing all of those because as I mentioned, those are heavily personal and relatable things to me as well. Dare I say, except for amnesia, sometimes my daily life does just feel like playing Disco Elysium. [Although I do suffer from micro-amnesic episodes as well...]

And I didn't know I needed a protagonist like Harry Du Bois in my life, I didn't know I needed a game like Disco Elysium in my life that lets you put on the shoes of a canonically psychotic character and written in a purposefully ugly way. Not romanticising it but also being respectful and not treating Harry as a monster nor a person who will never be part of the society [the ending of the game hit way too close to my heart...]. The game doesn't beat around the bush or tries to minimize the horrors of his mind or characterize them in the way where it feels like the game's genre is meant to be fantasy instead.

The game and the writing of Disco Elysium is just... honest. Honest is a good word. It shows you both the ugliest and the prettiest and the most hurtful and the most hopeful of Harry's mind. And before playing Disco Elysium, I struggled heavily to sometimes explain the way my mind works, even to myself - to put pieces of it in place or category. But Disco Elysium made me able to and able to notice certain patterns or realize certain things of what is going on with me. I needed this game in my life, I needed this protagonist in my life and I didn't know I did until I finished it.

I suppose it is no surprise I will now consider Disco Elysium my favorite game and keep recommending it to people who can handle heavy subject the game tackles. It is also no surprise that I have already started my second playthrough of the game. The way mentality of Harry is written is just one of many other amazingly written aspects of the game. The game's story made me emotional, the game's characters made me emotional, the setting made me emotional and there is still so much content I haven't managed to explore on my first playthrough. Not to mention I cried twice or thrice during it. It is a masterpiece, I believe.

Thank you, Robert Kurvitz. Thank you, Aleksander Rostov. Thank you Helen Hindpere. Thank you for creating and writing an experience so close to mine I didn't know I needed to see represented.