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zaine-m · 27 days ago

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Modern university Au and Caitlyn's Very Bad semester

She was a straight A legacy student majoring in poli sci (forced to by her parents)

Caitlyn and Vi have been dating since first year

At the start of the second year her mother was killed in a car accident

Jinx had found Silco dead and in a bit of a psychotic episode and not knowing what else to do decided to go for a drive and drove through a stop sign, hitting and killing Cassandra

Caitlyn was distraught and decided to start an emotional support group on campus for people who've lost someone close to them with Vi's help

That's where she met Loris, Steb and Maddie

Loris lost his father at a young age to cancer and his mother more recently to suicide

In her note she said that she'd just been holding out till Loris was away at university and didn't need on her anymore

That really broke him up, especially because he did still need her deeply

Steb and Maddie both recently lost a close friend, Daisy to suicide

Maddie and Daisy started dating a few months before her passing

They were both closer to Daisy than each other but after her passing they bonded a lot over their shared grief

Along with processing their grief together they worked on anti-suicide and safe driving campaigns around campus

Eventually Jinx's trial comes around and she gets let free with no charges but some mandatory counseling

As she was in a psychotic episode her reckless driving was not seen as her fault so they didn't charge her

This really upsets Caitlyn but vi is happy her sister isn't being sent to jail

"how, how could they just let her walk away free? she killed my mother"

"come on Cait, you know she never wanted to hurt anyone. She had just lost her father, she wasn't in the right mind space"

"how could you defend her like that"

Cait slaps her in the face and they break up

Caitlyn continues running the group but a lot of people leave as she starts creating a more toxic environment with a lot of trauma comparisons and subtle shaming if she feels like that person didn't do enough to try to save their loved one or didn't mourn their loved one enough

Loris leaves with Vi and helps her through her stint of skipping all her classes and spending every night at some party or another

Caitlyn and Maddie end up getting together but Maddie quickly becomes manipulative in a way that hard for Caitlyn to see because Cait's also being an asshole

Caitlyn slowly starts to realize how bad she's being for the group but is pretty stuck in her situation because whenever she tries to talk to Maddie about it she'll either make an excuse for their actions or get angry that Caitlyn might be calling her a bad person

Eventually she goes to apologize to Vi and things go over pretty smoothly

Vi understands why she said that with all the grief she felt and agrees to come back to the support group to try to start making it a better environment again

Vi also doesn't have any hard feelings about Caitlyn moving on and dating Maddie, saying that that's just how things are in university

Maddie gets really upset when Vi comes back

Caitlyn tries to smooth over her fears but to be fair they are making eyes at each other during a lot of the meetings

Eventually Maddie loses it one night and smashes a bottle over Caitlyn's head before hitting her with it, doing serious damage to her eye

Maddie leaves her there bleeding for the night and Caitlyn decides to try to sneak out

She calls Vi sobbing on a street corner

"S-something happened, I need you"

"Cait, it's okay, just take a deep breath okay? What happened"

"god, I-I can't explain. I think I need to go to the hospital"

"okay, where are you? I'll pick you up"

"I'm at the corner of fourth and Stanwick... I fucked up Vi"

"no, you didn't"

"no... no... I did, I pushed you away. I fucked up all our work with the support group"

"that can all be fixed"

"god, I slapped you right in the face"

"you were grieving"

"...Maddie was a mistake"

*chuckled* "come on, is she really that bad in bed?"

*Vi arrives to find her covered in blood on a street corner* "oh my god..."

"she... she..."

"It's okay. This wasn't your fault, okay?"

"...okay" *Vi helps Caitlyn into the car*

Once Caitlyn is feeling a bit better they call Loris and Steb into the hospital

Loris always felt iffy about Maddie and this just confirmed his suspicions

Steb is hurt to learn that Maddie had been manipulating him but very much believes her and gets incredibly distraught realizing how the timing with Daisy's suicide lined up and that Maddie might have contributed to that

Caitlyn has a really hard time coming out of the relationship and dealing with losing her eye

She fails a class for the first time that semester

Vi helps her a lot through it, the feelings are still there between them but they both know it's not a good time for them to start dating

Loris and Steb on the other hand just show up one day with a noticeably different energy between them and Vi immediately calls out "you two fucked!"

After Cait eye socket fully heals she gets really into artificial eyes with designs, she gets one with her family's crest on it with a bit of her mom's ashes in it, one that's gold and blue to match most of her outfits, one that has part of a bullet in it

#I combined Maddie and Ambessa into one character cause that made more sense #arcane #caitlyn kiramman #caitvi #piltovers finest #loris arcane #steb arcane #maddie arcane #maddie hate #vi arcane #arcane vi

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bugs1nmybrain · 9 months ago

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Bipolar!Shigaraki Tomura Headcanons

I'm writing it. Because I CAN

Before I start, I am writing these headcanons as someone who has been diagnosed with Bipolar Type 1 for almost three years now. I frankly could not care less if people don't think he has Bipolar Disorder, I'm writing this for my comfort and that of others who either have Bipolar disorder or just resonate with the idea that Tomura does.

and I'm also very aware of Bipolar Disorder being stigmatized as something that affects "bad" people. I'm not trying to suggest this, but that Tomura is someone who is neglected of treatment.

Warning: Bipolar disorder as title suggests (Tomura's symptoms relate to type 1 more), talks of depression, mania, psychosis, suicidality, etc, angst?

Tomura has never been given a formal diagnosis and likely has no clue that he has bipolar disorder himself. He doesn't know much about it, either, other then the stereotype that people with general mood swings are "so bipolar."

The doctor knows, AFO does too, but for them, they see it as more ammo for their arsenal to make sure Tomura's life is nothing but agony. He's never been treated with medications or therapy. Nothing.

Because he isn't medicated, his episodes are pretty strong. His manic episodes sort of blend in with his everyday behavior to a lot of people.

It's during this time that he finds himself planning out grand operations against the heroes. Some of his ideas seem unrealistic and not well thought out. They're more just ideas thrown around, and he jumps to gather people and means to carry out his goal before actually having a calculated plan.

He's up all night doing this. But if he's not, he's likely gaming. He huddles up in his room with multiple cans of energy drinks (as if he didn't already have way too much energy).

(semi-canon) will text his comrades at godforsaken hours either asking, demanding, or just rambling about stuff. If he gets an answer, the recipient often finds themself confused because Tomura just talks and talks and talks, and when he's in the heat of some plan or project he doesn't really stop to compose his sentences or even take a damn breath.

He impulsively buys things, like copious amounts of in-game purchases. Or DoorDash. If he's feeling reeeaaal bold he'll go for a whole-ass gaming console if he can, even if his current one is perfectly fine. Or assembling as many thugs as he can and feeling generous enough to overpay them when they definitely don't need the amount of money he's giving them.

You can see how when AFO was arrested, his lifestyle shifted in this regard.

Tomura is already an irritable guy, and so his mania can make it worse. He gets very overstimulated with all of his sensations that little things, like accidentally stubbing his toe, can make him mad as fuck for a good thirty minutes.

He also gets very paranoid about others. When he talks to people, he's already convinced that they are tricking him somehow and he'll read every cue he can to confirm it, even if the proof isn't even there.

Even when he's out in public and by himself, he thinks everyone is mocking, judging, and looking at him. That also comes with being the most wanted villain around, but that's beside the point.

When something finally goes his way, he is HAPPY. Sometimes the League will catch Tomura smiling his face off for no apparent reason (odd for him), and will ask what's up, only for Tomura to CACKLE back with, "ehehAHAH NOTHING!! THAT's just IT!"

They look at each other like, but just let him go about his day. They'll later hear him giggling to himself in his room, and sometimes talking to himself. He'll deny and just tell them he was on chat (his devices are not open and he is standing in the middle of his room).

Because he's not medicated, his mania can trickle into psychotic symptoms. Especially if he's going through more stress than typical. He hears voices that tell him mean things. Sometimes they're the voices of his dead family.

And because he doesn't sleep much, he sees detailed shadows and things moving that aren't. It disturbs him, but he accepts it and tries to just push on. But sometimes if he hears voices more than he'd like, he gets sad and has to grip his head and whisper "shut up shut up shut up" to negate them.

He's delusional, too. AFO's grooming and constant monitoring of his whole life have definitely emphasized his distrust of everything around him. Sometimes he'll think that the people he's gaming with online are secret hero spies trying to get him to reveal himself. He also has a fear that someone is watching him in every location, and he'll think that even the silliest things are cameras or microphones, or that those around him are also spies. Later on, it becomes paranoia that his master is everywhere.

Then comes the doom of depression

For Tomura, he's technically always depressed. But when he goes into a depressive episode, he's pretty lifeless.

He's complacent about his goals. Sometimes he'll get a tiny idea that makes his brain go !, but then he thinks of all the planning behind it and immediately slouches down on any nearby furniture

He'll lay in bed for a long period of time doing nothing. Sometimes he'll try to play a game on his phone but he gets bored quick.

Tends to eat more during this time because it's the only joy he can get. And he gets bored. He is SO BORED

Anhedonia is a bitch

His brain dwells and rambles, yet his thoughts don't make sense to him? He's constantly thinking about how fucked up his life is, how better other villains are, and how much he hates All Might and heroes altogether. He tells himself that if it wasn't for all of that he wouldn't feel this way (relating to the depressive episode).

It overwhelms him and he tries to sleep it off, but he's somehow so depressed that he's UNCOMFORTABLE. His itching gets bad.

He is very suicidal during this time and hurts himself to try and subside it. If you asked him his reason for living, he'd tell you "to see this world crumble." But he's too busy crumbling in his bed.

Psychotic symptoms can occur during his depression, too. Especially if he hasn't slept.

His lack of medication usually causes him to swap back to mania somewhat soon (2 months or so). He definitely has rapid cycles.

Because his condition isn't managed, his brain is sort of in an in-an-out stance when it comes to his literal sanity. He has moments where he can definitely be level-headed (he gets rrly confident when he notices it) but when his anger and stress fuel him more than usual, he spirals and quite literally sees red. Sometimes he can't even tell if he's dreaming or not. Often mistakes the date and day of the week.

I might write a fic of the reader comforting bipolar tomura. I don't think I've ever seen a fic like that for any character.

#shigaraki tomura #shigaraki tomura headcanons #tomura shigaraki #tenko shimura #shigaraki headcanons #bipolar shigaraki #the league of villains #shiggy #shigaraki x reader

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skyartworkzzz · 2 months ago

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I came back to promp another lore ramble

Also could we get a status update on the fic? I really want to see nari go back in time for the lamb

YIPPEEEEEEEEE love me lore ramble!

FIRST AND FOREMOST, OFC!! Heres a tiny lil update of the fic so far! I finally got back to writing it and am just struggling to find out what happens next.......but I promise its in the works! <3

NOW onto the ramble! Yesterday I went a bit ham on my Creepypasta reimagination, so thats what we will be talking about today! Specifically centered around Jeff the Killer CUZ IM THAT PREDICTABLE OKAY-

Anyways! Lore under the cut <3 tw for violence and gore!!

Jeff The Killer:

My Jeff is around his 35 years old and is the younger brother of Liu, who's only 1-2 years older and works as an architect

The brothers share the same apartment, Jeff decided to move in with Liu after living with their parents for a while. Hes currently trying to amount enough money in order to move somewhere of his own

Jeff suffers from depression and has psychotic episodes from time to time, so he has to take meds. Even after he became a killer, he still steals the needed medication to keep his mental exhaustion in check

From time to time, their lower-floor neighbor Ms. Harper calls Jeff to fix her old sink. Everytime Jeff goes over, her son pesters him for fun, which is why Jeff hates him

One day, both Jeff and Liu are invited to the bday of Ms. Harper's son, which was being held at his aunt's house. While in the party, her kitchen sink floods and so she asks Jeff to fix it. While doing so, Ms. Harper's kid accidentally throws chemicals on Jeff's face after trying to prank him with his friends

Jeff is then driven to the hospital by Liu, but they suffer a car crash, which makes Jeff's face melt down and turn pale white. Liu suffered the major damages and had to go through surgeries to put his organs back in place

When Jeff wakes up and sees the damage that was done, he suffers a mental breakdown which leads him to murder Ms. Harper's son. Once the deed was done, he disappeared and started his serial killing career

Jeff cut his lips into a smile specifically to terrify Ms. Harper's son, as if guilting him bout thinking what he did was funny

Before going off the radar, Jeff visited Liu one last time without others knowing, saying he didnt blame his brother for what had happened. Liu, although half-conscious, was able to hear Jeff telling him to go back to sleep

Homicidal Liu:

HONESTLY my Liu doesnt have much of "homicidal" to him LMAO

After the events that led both him and Jeff into the hospital, Liu went through surgeries to recover and was in a coma for a couple of days, which was the time it took for Jeff to start his killer life

When Liu woke up and learned that his brother had disappeared, he quickly volunteered to help and search for him, until finally discovering he was a murderer

Convinced to bring him back to his senses, Liu begged to be part of the police operation to capture Jeff, after proving he could be of use for knowing how his brother worked. And so, he was teamed up with a detective called Jane, who was in charge of arresting Jeff

After much investigation and searching, Liu and Jane finally came face to face with the killer, but came to a fight which led Jeff to carving a smile on Liu's face too and almost ripping his eyelids off like his own. Liu was led back to the hospital after this and received stitches

Seeing as they were lacking experience to capture Jeff, both the detectives accepted to undergo a special training. However, due to Liu's physical state, he wasn't able to finish it and decided to remain on the more schemeful side of the operation rather than direct combat

Given his stitches on his mouth and the horrible wounds his brother left on him, Liu constantly uses a mask and clothes that cover most of his body

Jane the Killer:

Jane works as a detective for the police, she is happily married to a woman named Mary and both live in a spacious, fancy apartment

Her parents were kindhearted and lived with her little sister, Jessie, in a simple house around the quieter parts of the city

Being one of the best agents and praised by the government, Jane was tasked with tracking down Jeff and bringing him to justice. It was during this search that Liu came into contact with her, after learning she was in charge of the operation

Throughout the times they spent together trying to capture Jeff, the killer murdered Jane's parents as a warning for her to leave him alone. But understandbly, that only made her more convinced to seize him with a new goal in mind: kill Jeff

When Liu and Jane received the special traning, Liu wasnt able to participate due to his condition, but Jane carried out until the last step. She was injected with Liquid Hate and gained her superpowers, with the side-effects being her skin turning pale and her eyes and hair black

After the "training" was done, Jane came closer and closer to finally capturing Jeff, but with an unexpected drawback: she was now wanted by the police for committing crimes she couldnt remember doing. Given the new scenario, the detective started working as an underworld punisher

She still searches for Jeff and stays in touch with Liu, now secretly since she is also being hunted down. They both still work as partners from time to time trying to find his brother

Lil extras!

After her parents were killed, Jessie moved in with Jane and Mary, being a survivor of Jeff's wrath luckily for not being home that day

Liu does not know Jane intends to kill Jeff, and she will never tell him, for she knows he will try to stop her

The Liquid Hate project was actually a Proxy experiment, organized by one of Slenderman's Agents who was also the scientist in charge of the special training Jane and Liu received. Jane became a Sleeper thanks to said experiment, with homicidal tendencies she is luckily able to channel to wanted criminals

That is all for now! Theres a whole lot more I havent said here cuz omfg thats too long already

MAYBE ONE DAY ILL BE able to write my own fanfictions about these, who knows

Anyways! Bless chu for the curiosity <3

#ask #cotl #cotl fanfic #creepypasta #jeff the killer #jane the killer #homicidal liu

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january-summers · 1 year ago

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Just thinking about some AUs.

Like: Wash having served on a similar ship to the MoI pre-Freelancer. Similar, but ever so slightly different in lay out so he keeps trying to auto-pilot navigate and getting lost, and Alpha's watching on the camera feeds and at some point just hits "this is too pathetic, i gotta step in" like any back seat gamer watching a let's play, except he actually can... if he can figure out how to get away with it.

So he comms Wash, either through a direct link in his helmet or through a regularly intervaled wall radio. "Uh yeah, I'm... uh... you can just call me... Church? I work in the... uh... yeah don't worry about it but I can see you on the camera feeds, again, and man i gotta tell you for a bad ass space marine this is pretty sad. Tragic really, anyway, turn around, 200 meters and take a left-"

And it keeps happening, and sometimes they just hang out, Wash hiding in a storage closet eating contraband foods (the good chocolate) while Alpha drops some funny stories from the command deck.

And Wash casually mentions him in talk with the other Freelancers, but they never get to talk to Church, and Wash can't introduce him properly, so everyone refers to Church as Wash's imaginary friend.

(... and then no one can figure out why all the AI are low-key obsessed with Wash, like they need him to like them even though he's not their human operator.)

or like (possibly the same AU): There is no Epsilon, Alpha has a moment of clarity about what's happening to him, what's being done to him, and fakes a fragment in order to port himself out and get put wholesale (what remains of him) into Wash's head. It's still pretty traumatic for both of them.

And then they skedaddle, go into hiding somewhere no one would ever think to look for them. Disguised as a sim trooper in a box canyon in the middle of nowhere.

... also thinking about Price deliberately pushing Wash's buttons and trying to provoke his PTSD so he has an excuse to put him on meds, except the meds are (on purpose) meds that Wash knows messes with his head and leads to psychotic episodes and he wouldn't take them, damn the orders, if he knew what they were.

but he doesn't, and he gets into a fight in one of the communal kitchens without his armour on and the first thing the other Freelancers know about it is when they get called for back up to the kitchen to help subdue a man that just killed three other Freelancers (bottom of the pack no-name annoying assholes no one liked or would miss anyway).

'cept the other Freelancers don't clock that it's Wash, because he's out of his armour and Wash is almost never seen without his helmet, unlike the others, so they aren't used to his face, and when they think of wash they think of bright yellow and steady charcoal greys, not "holy fuck that's a lot of blood did he fucking roll in it!?!?" reds.

But by the time they get there, psychotic episode is over, and Wash is in a semi fugue state, kinda clock's Carolina's blue and that he might have done something really bad, so he just drops the knife away from himself and half collapses to his knees like a puppet with cut strings, manages to lock his fingers behind his head before they try to tackle him to the ground.

Wash gets away with a slap on the wrist, and like a months probation. (Director was in on the 'experiment' to begin with, and now they're already down three Freelancers, no need to make it four. ... also Director won a bet about whether Wash could take on/out more than two opponents at a time.)

#rvb #red vs blue #agent washington #ai project alpha #ai program alpha #leonard l church #mmmmm. wash hours.

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tigressaofkanjis · 7 months ago

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Scooby Doo in Arkham Asylum

The gang heads back to Gotham City for a gadget and trap convention hosted by reformed Kirk and Francine Langstrom, Man-Bat and She-Bat respectively. However, they notice Killer Croc a.k.a. Waylon Jones, who is a decent friend of the Langstroms, grows estranged and has to leave early. A few scenes later, the convention is attacked by a giant crocodilian monster with red eyes. Everyone panics and Batman is called, but the supposed Killer Croc escapes even with Mystery Inc. trying to help the caped crusader.

Waylon is confronted complaining about his headaches and promptly arrested in violation of his parole. The gang sees Croc looks distraught and go to talk to him back at the asylum where they encounter many other Batman villains. They find something fishy with Croc's conviction going over his file as Waylon's structure doesn't match the profile of the pictures of the crocodilian monster, especially the eyes being different, Waylon's yellow to the monster's red. Before they can investigate further, they are shut down by a guard named Lyle Bolton who finds humor that Waylon just couldn't keep his darker side at bay. The gang then also notices all the villains don't take well to Bolton's presence but disregard it upon being distracted by Batman's assessment of the situation.

After a lengthy investigation in the asylum to prove Killer Croc's innocence, with Shaggy and Scooby shenanigans with some of the Rogues, they encounter the monster within that seems to be targeting and attacking the asylum and the Rogues making everyone believe Killer Croc's gone psychotic like a wild animal. With Batman's permission, they team up with Bane, Scarecrow, the Langstroms and many others to capture the nuisance, letting them out of their cells to explore the unknown mystery of the monster as Waylon also goes missing.

Near the end, Waylon finally snaps and becomes hellbent on tracking the imposter down as well, protecting Mystery Inc from the monster in a showdown. Teaming with Scooby which Croc tolerates to a degree, they trap the monster who is revealed to be upon the formula wearing off Lyle Bolton who was defaming Killer Croc. It is deduced Lyle didn't believe any villain should have a chance at redemption and stole Langstrom's formula to use a version of it with a crocodile's DNA to terrorize Gotham into no longer supporting the rehabilitation programs Bruce Wayne set up for people like Waylon to walk among the normal people and use their abilities for good.

Killer Croc reveals the reason he was getting the headaches was because he had been sensing the crocodile monster the entire time and was trying to keep his aggressive side at bay in fear of being ridiculed for the latter growing defensive hearing the monster constantly. It is also revealed through clues Lyle had been abusing his authority at the asylum to keep the guards and inmates subdued by blackmail and unethical practices. Lyle Bolton is arrested and placed in the same asylum after he snaps where the villains aim to teach him a very *painful* lesson (implied).

With Killer Croc's name cleared, Batman thanks Mystery Inc and the gang befriends Killer Croc. Scooby and Shaggy get a brief scare when Langstrom transforms into his Man-Bat form as a joke but find the giant bat and his reptilian friend take a real liking to Scooby finally confirming Killer Croc is redeemed and Langstrom has complete control over the Man-Bat half after years of practice. The gang, Batman, and others laugh at the jumpscare knowing neither animal-based villain would harm them.

Takes cues from "ManBat and Robbin'" and the Scooby-Doo and Guess Who episode, "What a Night, for a Dark Knight!" but I want someone other than the Joker as the culprit behind the mask and give Killer Croc a chance at redemption.

#we need more batman and mystery inc crossovers!!!#batman #scooby doo #scooby gang #mystery incorporated #arkham asylum #killer croc #waylon jones #kirk langstrom #manbat #bane #jonathan crane #scarecrow #bruce wayne

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skys-archive · 6 months ago

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TW TALK ABOUT PSYCHOSIS AND PARANOIA

Guys I can tell this is gonna be bad

I'm out of my antipsychotics and people are testing me so hard. This is the worst time I'm going to go psychotic.

My boyfriend of a year and a half is at basic training right now for the army. I haven't talked to him in about a month because of this. We weren't able to see each other for a while beforehand for reasons that don't matter related to this post, but a few days before he left he showed up at my house with a few of my things and basically was just there to reassure me that he was safe and okay and would be leaving that Monday for basic.

Today my best friend called me and asked me if he was engaged. I said no, she asked if I was sure. She sent me a TikTok. It was one of those "you may have dated him but I get his last name" posts with a picture of my boyfriend(??) and her together and her hand with a ring. Part of the thing is, this was posted in May. When we were still very much seeing each other very often.

I'm very, very confused. He's not the kind of person to not tell me things, we've been together and serious for a long time and I genuinely love him more than I've ever loved anyone before. It somehow feels so so fake. Hes never dated her as far as i know i didnt think he even really liked her. If it is fake, a thought I have is that, his parents are very very homophobic. They've constantly pressured him into being straight and marrying a woman. I feel in my heart that there's some explanation that makes sense. But I don't know if that's real instinct or if that's my delusions getting the best of me.

If it's a thing for his parents, why would he never tell me? If he didn’t love me, why would he keep seeing me? It's not like it was for sex, I'm asexual.

I feel like there's an explanation. But I can't get one right now. He's at basic, I can't talk to him, i wasn't able to see him much prior so I never found out the address of where he is so I can't send him a letter. I have to wait several weeks.

And on top of this, I'm finding out that other people knew. Other people knew this and didn't tell me. It's starting to make me think people are out against me. It's making me think people are trying to hurt me as much as possible.

I've struggled with paranoia and psychosis for years. With my boyfriend, I've always had the issue of other people. I will admit, before I knew him he really wasn't a great person. He did a lot of things he shouldn't have. Before I met him he started to get better. He is truly a great man now, and I'm really proud of how far he's come and how much he's grown. But anyway, a lot of people knew him before. A lot of people don't like him. The whole time I've dated him, I've had people telling me he'll be bad for me. That he's grooming me, he only wants me for sex, he's bad for my mental health, etc when all I've ever seen is the complete opposite. He never pressured me into anything sexual, I've been happier with him than any other time in my life. And quite frankly about the grooming just, no??? He's not???

But im psychotic. I have paranoia. I have delusions. On multiple occasions all of these things people say to me have gotten to my head. I've gotten thrown into episodes convinced he's playing this long sadistic game to hurt me as much as he possibly can. Nearly every time there's a misunderstanding, it starts to make me panic. I start worrying that people are right. And that if they are right they'll never have sympathy because "i should have seen the signs". Every time, he and my best friend have helped me pull out of it. To recognize that I know it's not true, I have proof it's not true. They're patient and loving and caring and do everything to help me be okay when I have psychotic episodes.

But right now I don't have that. I can't talk to him. I can't talk through what I'm feeling and thinking and what's scaring me. I can't have him help me explain everything. And I can't with my best friend either. Because we don't fully know. We don't know what's going on we don't know if it's true we don't know why thus happened. So she can't sit there with her logic as she always does. She can't say that she's seen me be happier and watch how great he is for me because all of this is so out of the blue that we don't know. We don't know what's going on.

And to top it all off im not on my risperidone right now because I had an issue with refilling my medication and US pharmaceutical industry is shit. So I have all of these things eating away inside my head and I don't know what to believe and I'm not even on the medication that helps me deal with it.

I don't know who to believe I don't know what to believe. How can I believe my instincts that there's more to this than I'm seeing if my brain is full of delusions that make me believe myself against all facts. I'm once again convinced that this was a game. That he decided to play the long game for two years and being fake and do everything to love me and treat me wonderfully and just be perfect only to rip it all away from me when it would hurt the most. And I know logically this can't be true can it this can't be real. He's never like this. Who plays the long game just for their own sadistic tendencies BUT PEOPLE DO IT. People are sadistic people like to see others hurt.

I don't know. I don't know what to do. I have several weeks until I can figure out the truth. Several agonizing weeks of letting delusions and paranoia flood my head until I'm back in that awful spot I was all over again.

I'm so scared. I can't fix it this time. I can't pull myself out of the psychosis. I don't want to go back.

I don't know what to do.

#psychosis #psychotic episode #delusion #paranoia #disability #mental illness #mental health emergency

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swiftbluelightning · 7 months ago

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[A video is attached as Astra storms onto a stage in front of a crowd of muttering and chattering onlookers.

"Eyes! On! ME!" She yells, and the crowd snaps to silence. "Team Plasma's rhetoric is misguided at best and dangerous at worst. While I won't stop you if you truly want to re-examine how you engage with your Pokémon, listen to me first.

"We as trainers, owners, friends, do not only take from our partner Pokémon. We give as much, as well. We give them home, and kindness, and support, and they return the favour. Without each other, we are lesser." Astra points to a member of the audience. "You! Red shirt, brown hair. Where would you be if you let your Pokémon go?"

"Uh... my Minccino helps me a lot around the house," they stammer, startled. "I... have trouble keeping things organised, and working up the energy to tidy up, so they help keep things from getting out of control."

"You! Blonde hair, grey hoodie!"

"...My Pokémon helped keep me going through some really rough times," the person responds. "I thought... I can't leave them alone. So I kept pushing. And now I'm a lot happier."

Another member of the audience raises their hand. "My Alomomola helps keep my symptoms managed when I have a flare-up."

Another. "On the days I need to use my wheelchair, my Elgyem helps me up and down the stairs."

"My Herdier's a trained service mon to help me through my psychotic episodes!" Someone else pipes up.

The audience fills with people, all talking over each other in an excited, communal ramble as to how their Pokémon enrich their lives. "You see?" Astra calls, and the crowd settles. "Without Pokémon, we would all struggle, not just the people who train them for battle. We love and care for them, we give them a safe space and homes to return to, security in their food, and they pay us back in kind! Ghetsis and Team Plasma speak of a 'truer' world, where Pokémon and people are separated entirely, not two halves of a greater whole. What truth is there in that callousness? In that division? When so many would struggle without their Pokémon by their side? To hell with that 'truth'!" She yells. "If it makes me an idealist, delusional, blind to the truth to say Pokémon and people enrich each others' lives, then I will call myself those things a thousand, a million times before I accept the world Plasma wants to bring about. They speak of a purifying flame, a great wildfire to bring about a better world, but all that will give us is ash and dust. There is no such thing as a 'blank slate'; our biases and ideologies will always permeate the societies we build in the wake of things, and I, for one, am not keen on letting the ideologies Plasma preaches be our guide! We cannot expect some grand revolution, some baptism by fire, to give us a better world. We fight for it, tooth and nail, day by day, side by side. We fight for it by being kind to each other, by extending a hand in friendship, by calling out what we deem unfair. I am no hero. This world doesn't need heroes. It needs kindness! It needs love! It needs Pokémon and people side by side, understanding and learning and making mistakes and forgiving and trying! You do not need to do some sweeping thing to change the world! Just be kind!" Astra declares, breathing heavily.

It is hard to make out what the crowd murmurs to each other, but the sentiment seems to be positive as they slowly and steadily disperse to go about their day, leaving only two people, an old, muscular, proud man, and a young purple-haired girl, who both approach the stage.

"Well spoken, young madam," the man says gruffly.

"Yeah! That was really cool, Miss Astra! It's nice to see you again!" The girl chirps cheerily.

"I'm glad to know it went down well," Astra sighs, sitting on the edge of the stage. "That took up most of my social energy for the day, so shall we make this quick? I hear you're foremost experts on Dragon-types."

The video ends there.]

#pokeblogging #rotomblr

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dominijoyce · 2 years ago

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Some Feelings About Disco Elysium

I wanna say, I've never really related to the need of wanting more represantation of your culture and/or community. I understoon the idea and why actual represantation beyond headcanon and fandom interpretation was something many people strive for and need more of. I just never personally could relate to that need - even if it revolved around cultures and communities I am a part of.

Yes, I was always happy when I saw a represantation of those like me, especially if said represantation is positive but I never felt that "I needed this".

Well at least not until playing and finishing Disco Elysium.

I do not want this to be some extremelly long personal post so I will not go in detail of the game itself but as someone who has suffered from psychosis for years now, I don't think I have ever felt so close to the protagonist of the game as I did with Harry.

While I also see Harry as plural, For the entire game I couldn't help but keep thinking how Skills [and items like Necktie] talking to Harry is quite literally how I experience everyday through my life with auditory hallucinations that incidentally do manifest as random inputs out of nowhere in my head that are impossible to locate the source from.

And the way Harry talks, the way he interracts with the world - even if you decide to only pick the most "sane" of the given dialogue options, you still may struggle heavily to be seen as "normal" by other characters in the game. That one is something heavily personal to me as well - when even at the times of me trying my best to mask, the symptoms and effects of my psychosis among other mental disorders still manage to come out and possibly freak others.

And just... In general showing Harry's struggle and him being intense and quite often not being sure what was the intention of his actions either, not knowing why he cannot put the phone down, not being able to stop what he's doing even when he knows he already failed [specifically talking of when you lose a Check but cannot back out even if technically nothing is stopping him from shutting up or not continuing to harm himself, etc.].

He is lost, yes he is a complete amnesiac so that's given but even in later stages of the game where he recovers some parts of himself and the world around him, he is still struggling and quite often openly talking of needing a break and just, stoping everything around him.

I could go on, yes but it would be repetetive of me and if you played the game you probably are able to yourself name multiple other characteristics of Harry not being "sane" no matter how hard he/player might try.

I'm listing all of those because as I mentioned, those are heavily personal and relatable things to me as well. Dare I say, except for amnesia, sometimes my daily life does just feel like playing Disco Elysium. [Although I do suffer from micro-amnesic episodes as well...]

And I didn't know I needed a protagonist like Harry Du Bois in my life, I didn't know I needed a game like Disco Elysium in my life that lets you put on the shoes of a canonically psychotic character and written in a purposefully ugly way. Not romanticising it but also being respectful and not treating Harry as a monster nor a person who will never be part of the society [the ending of the game hit way too close to my heart...]. The game doesn't beat around the bush or tries to minimize the horrors of his mind or characterize them in the way where it feels like the game's genre is meant to be fantasy instead.

The game and the writing of Disco Elysium is just... honest. Honest is a good word. It shows you both the ugliest and the prettiest and the most hurtful and the most hopeful of Harry's mind. And before playing Disco Elysium, I struggled heavily to sometimes explain the way my mind works, even to myself - to put pieces of it in place or category. But Disco Elysium made me able to and able to notice certain patterns or realize certain things of what is going on with me. I needed this game in my life, I needed this protagonist in my life and I didn't know I did until I finished it.

I suppose it is no surprise I will now consider Disco Elysium my favorite game and keep recommending it to people who can handle heavy subject the game tackles. It is also no surprise that I have already started my second playthrough of the game. The way mentality of Harry is written is just one of many other amazingly written aspects of the game. The game's story made me emotional, the game's characters made me emotional, the setting made me emotional and there is still so much content I haven't managed to explore on my first playthrough. Not to mention I cried twice or thrice during it. It is a masterpiece, I believe.

Thank you, Robert Kurvitz. Thank you, Aleksander Rostov. Thank you Helen Hindpere. Thank you for creating and writing an experience so close to mine I didn't know I needed to see represented.

#disco elysium #harry du bois #mental health #psychosis #psychotic #actually psychotic

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nobodysdaydreams · 11 months ago

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I have many questions about Pryce and Cutter's backstory, but I mostly want to know more about their insecurities and failures. Also, do they have bones?

(Or my reaction to Episodes 55-58 of Wolf359).

Welcome back dear readers! Should I have reacted to more Wolf359 this weekend? No. I have work to do. But, like Doug Eiffel himself, I cannot just let a cliff hanger like that go unfinished. The events of the last two episodes have been spinning in my head for the last 24 hours and I need ANSWERS DANG IT. Will this lead me to an even bigger cliffhanger that I will surely regret later? Probably, but that's the risk we need to take. As Doug Eiffel said "a leap of faith".

Tagging the mutuals who got me invested in this, and if you want to be tagged or untagged from these posts, lmk, or you can follow my blog or simply follow the tag "#bods wolf359 reactions". Anyone who has followed me for a while knows my updates are inconsistent, so I apologize in advance for that and for any spelling/grammar mistakes in my posts.

@sophieswundergarten @oflightningandstars @acollectionofcuriousreblogs @herawell @commsroom @lovelyladylavie

Episode 55: A Place For Everything

Okay, before we start this episode, a few thoughts that have been going through my head:

Obviously Minkowski is brainwashed sadly :( BUT:

Is Jacobi brainwashed too because Kepler ratted him out, or is Jacobi playing as a double agent?

Did Pryce and Cutter brainwash Kepler too, or is he on their team?

Hera is clearly fighting Pryce to warn Doug, but how much is she able to fight past her?

Can Pryce and Cutter even brainwash Lovelace considering she's an alien clone?

I need to figure out where everyone is. I need to know what happened. Was there a struggle or did Cutter just stroll in and snap his fingers?

Oh we're going back in time. Nice to see Minkowski, Jacobi, and Lovelace working together for as long as it lasts.

Okay so they are looking for Doug, and find Dr. Evil and her psychotic murder business man boyfriend instead.

It's nice that they're doing so much to rescue Doug though. But he really should have talked this through with them. And then they all should get the heck out of there before Cutter shows up.

Kepler. BE QUIET. Has he learned nothing? Does he have a death wish?

Kepler: "There are limits to the human body...I'm not talking about Eiffel. Give them a chance to catch their breath" Wow, such caring words from the man who risked the lives of his crew just to get a bottle of Whiskey back.

"Since when you are worried about pushing people too far." GREAT QUESTION MINKOWSKI.

Oh you "knew" Jacobi was on your side did you Kepler? "Maybe there's other things I've been wrong about." NOW? You're figuring this out now, Kepler? It took you that long? Is he awkwardly trying to grab a redemption arc too? I want to hope so, but something tells me he'll flip the second Pryce and Cutter show up.

"Just be wrong quietly" I love Minkowski

A shuttle? Shoot it. SHOOT IT.

Oh great Cutter has a message.

Wow, he even made a fake "We're not your enemy" message.

HERA CAN'T STOP THEM FROM DOCKING. NO NO NO NO NO.

And what are they doing to Lovelace.

Does Kepler know it's them? Oh yeah. He and Hera know. Everyone knows now. Oh boy...

Yeah. Really really bad is an understatement. I hope you guys have a plan. A really really good plan.

Well here come the bad guys.

"Who's gonna come through those doors? High level SI-5?" Jacobi doesn't even know...oh Kepler you really kept them in the dark didn't you?

Um. What was that. Four people? Who are they?

Another Australian guy?

Oh is that Rachel Young? Ew. Why is she there?

Ah...there he is. Yes, Cutter they did have quite a party. Shame you're here to ruin it. "You look awful" don't insult Kepler, Cutter. That's MY job.

THEY TOOK OVER THE MINDS OF THE HERMES CREW? So that's why they're following them.

"This is just a formality, don't you Daniel? Just until you can be...processed." Okay, so he's gonna brainwash him.

And Cutter has been 100% listening in on EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. Who are you lying for? Those "reports" are probably just so he knows how much information you're willing to tell him.

And...there she is.

Oh Cutter named the AI? Interesting.

She said "no" Pryce, does she need to say it again?

HERA DON'T TELL HER THAT.

Oh dear. They got Hera too now.

I'm surprised more people aren't freaking out about Pryce and Hera sharing a voice.

"Neither of them is my type" Then...who is Jacobi, also what do you think picking the lock will do?

Yep. Brainwashed Zombies.

"I'm an SI-5 agent in good standing..." Jacobi, that doesn't matter anymore.

"There isn't someone worse that still hasn't showed up" Oh...but you haven't considered the dear listeners.

Okay so we got Cutter, Rachel, Pryce, a black ops agent, some brainwashed zombies they picked up from Hermes, and...wait what's wrong with Pryce's eyes? Is she a cyborg?

Huh. Pryce would need to be 50 at least to have written the space manual. And Cutter would too, but did so under a different name. Oh this is a development. I assumed they were like in their 50s/60s being played by 20 something years old actors...but I guess they actually do look that young...

...

...I guess they have a great skin care routine? Diet? Biotech? Are they both cyborgs? Do they replace parts of themselves whenever they break down? And if so...just how old are they?

Oh Doug is back! Poor Hera. You can save him, Hera. I know you can.

"Hi Doug :)" Don't like that.

"The Sol" of course Cutter would name it after the sun. He sees himself at the center of the universe.

"Renee is fine. Healthy as a horse" shut it Cutter!

"Hera? Is that you?" I love that Doug is the one that picked up on that and Pryce, being mistaken for Hera is the biggest compliment you could ever hope to get.

Counterpart?

"Why do you have Hera's voice?" Because Miranda is evil and likes to play god. Oh my gosh, they literally do think of themselves as gods. Not them quoting scripture too, I swear with each and every episode Cutter and Pryce make me want to vomit. You're not gods. You're just every other selfish terrible lazy parent who has a kid and thinks that they have a right to control the course of their life. Just because you make or create someone doesn't give you the right to do whatever you want with them!

"What?" MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY DOUG.

"1,001 pains in my ass Pryce?" TELL HER DOUG! It's the least of her crimes, but we have to start somewhere.

The...the next you? What um...what happened to the real Carter?

Don't call Doug "good boy" ONLY HERA GETS TO DO THAT.

"You have not been doing a good job as communications officer." HE JUST CONTACTED THE ALIENS. He's the best communications officer you could ever hope to have. Sure, up until now he's done a terrible job, and openly neglected his duties, but this is what happens when you send random ex-convicts with known substance abuse issues and obviously ADHD up into space instead of, oh I don't know, rehabilitating them???

"4 months ago, you took a while to get up here." Exactly what I've been saying.

So they got to Hermes two months ago, but...oh the aliens kept them away! And now Bob let them in, oh no. See Doug, this is why you should have talked to the crew first.

"Go screw yourself" Tell them Doug. They deserve to hear it.

Oh Miranda's torture chair. Of course they have one of those.

"Too bad" it's so unsettling how much Miranda sounds like Hera.

Hopefully, Bob managed to give Doug's mind a little resistance.

It seems that Rachel and Kepler don't get along so well. Bit of a rivalry there?

"Deliver or you're off the team" I don't like that motto.

Oh hi Australian guy. I'm sure my mutuals will be more than happy to tell me more about who he is. But since he's evil and not that interesting, I don't really care.

"He makes you disappear, Warren" Rachel seemed way too happy about that. I always thought she and Warren were on the same level, but I think someone just got promoted and someone else might be getting demoted.

"It will take some time to uncouple it from all the Star Wars trivia" good work Doug, keep the hyper fixation noise in your brain.

"Do you ever get a little tired of hearing yourself speak?" Doug is asking the best questions!

"Defiant until the end. You gotta respect that." "No, you don't." It's interesting how much Pryce and Cutter seem to differ in that Pryce stays very guarded and cold while Cutter embraces a very fake pleasant exterior.

"I am never following your orders ever again." Doug...I love you calling them out, but please do not tempt fate. The more you push, they more they push back. They clearly have a thing for breaking people (and machines).

"That wasn't an offer. There's not an element of choice here." Yeah...saw that coming. Sorry Doug. :(

Hopefully Hera can save him and Minkowski.

Oh Jacobi's been dragged off. So did they get him too?

Ew Rachel's here too. Oh and they have a way to hurt Lovelace. But can they kill her if she's an alien?

"Critical system failure" you go Lovelace!

"I owe you a coke." So apparently Pryce and Cutter don't stay young by avoiding sugar.

New friends? Oh no, he's going to show Lovelace what he did to her friends.

UPGRADE TO THE FULL VERSION? Like Hermes? Deleting certain thoughts? Oh my gosh. Like it's irreversible? Do they want to make the whole world like that?

And also if they had that the entire time, why have they not used that on everyone at Goddard from the beginning? They wouldn't have so many problems if they did that from the beginning. But I suppose that if they can't do the full version right away, the tech is probably pretty complex and expensive.

Okay so Raymond is the name of Australian guy. (Got it from the credits).

Well. At least they didn't get Lovelace's mind. We have that to be thankful for.

Episode 56: Idle Hands

Once again, another episode with no opening credits they just take you right in don't they?

So...is Jacobi not brainwashed? He seems agreeable, but not as robotic as Minkowski.

"Don't push them too hard." "Well it's not like they feel it" "I only turned off their pain receptors. They still have bones, primitive things." Miranda, DO YOU NOT HAVE BONES? WHAT ARE YOU?

Great, now I have the bananas have no bones song stuck in my head.

"It's not like any of them are gonna be alive much longer" And perhaps neither will any of you.

AND STOP WITH THE UNIT 214 STUFF.

"No need to speak. Just give me the sum." Interesting. Miranda really hates the sound of Hera's voice.

"What are you trying to accomplish with these attempts at resistance?" You designed her Miranda. You built and created her. She has your voice. You gave her a personality, presumably similar to yourself. You declared yourself her god. So here's an idea. Why don't you figure it out for yourself?

"My name is HERA...screw you" I'm glad Hera told her off, but the way that Pryce and Cutter scold Eiffel and Hera like they're disappointing children...you really do feel the age gap now.

MINKOWSKI CALLS HER UNIT 214 NOW???

"Things are going to be okay." Did they get Jacobi too? Oh they did.

"Just because they can't talk back doesn't mean they-" good point Hera. We understood what you meant.

Also: "I'll find a way to discipline her later." ... Well, well, well. Looks like someone slipped up there for a moment, didn't you Miranda? What happened to "not her. It?" All of a sudden Hera is a her now? And you talk about her like a disappointing child. But since you clearly just view her as an object, I have to wonder, is it hard losing an argument to someone who sounds like you? Someone who expresses a part of yourself that you perhaps, are a little insecure about? See, Miranda, that's the problem with the whole "playing god" thing. You can act all proud of yourself for making something in your own image, but if you don't like yourself, you might not like the image that looks back at you. Happens to real parents with children all the time. Happens to every human who spends too much time together and starts picking up each other's habits. I am going to enjoy writing some fic about you, Miranda /ominous.

"I'll get creative" I'm sure you will, Miranda. And so will I.

"She was always very persistent" "Watch yourself Warren. You don't want to sound like you admire it" well, it looks like RACHEL knows to refer to Hera as an it, and Kepler doesn't, so it seems Miranda really did slip up there. It's not a writer's mistake if they're being so intentional a few minutes later. Oh, this is going to be so fun for me.

"Pryce gets everyone sooner or later" And Hera was made in her image, Rachel. You might want to think about that.

"Pryce doesn't delete AI, she just corrects them" Oh, the AI that sound exactly like her? The ones that sound just like her? She finds their flaws and corrects them, does she? Not at all reflecting her own self-esteem issues I'm sure.

Replaced cranial architecture? Just because Miranda was bored? Wow, she and Cutter really are the worst.

Rachel is also the worst. Oh and Warren calls her "Miss. Young" while she calls him Warren...I guess they're not on the same level at Goddard or if they were...that's for sure over now and Kepler knows it too.

"I'm not worried about her." It's okay to worry about things other than Whiskey, Kepler. A little character complexity before you die won't be a horrible thing.

"Something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy." And it sounds like Rachel would wish a lot on her enemies. So...what is happening with Lovelace?

Cutter's playing Funzo with her? I assume it's Funzo, but they seem to be playing something. Oh Backgammon. 😂

So this is what Rachel was referring to. Oh the parallels between Cutter and Pryce and Doug and Hera just write themselves at this point.

Lovelace: "I don't eat with creeps" Cutter: 🥺 ...me?

Yes you, you evil creepy murder man.

"I mind every second that you exist." Same Lovelace.

Cutter is smoking? "We all have our vices" That is the LEAST of your vices Cutter. Also between the sodas and cigarettes, clearly Pryce and Cutter haven't been staying alive and looking young due to healthy habits.

"You seem tense" very observant Cutter.

What is it with this man and chai lattes? I've seen a few untagged posts about it, I thought people were exaggerating.

"Miranda and I don't agree on everything" "Tell me you're not about to make me do marriage counseling for you and your work wife" CALL HIM OUT ON IT LOVELACE. 😂 "Even for you that's too evil."

"Miranda is...wonderful. But she can be a little cold." Ah. I see. So you and work wifey disagree on how best to torture people. Luring them into a false sense of security vs. being unfeeling and dark from the start. I suppose that's why they work together, to strike that unhealthy balance.

"I don't wanna do that. It's messy. And that's not how I want to do that. We can be better." So they're doing the good cop, bad cop routine?

And something tells me Lovelace doesn't want a pony. I think she wants you dead.

"Compromise is the cornerstone of a good work marriage" so he doesn't deny it then.

Cutter really is an old man. The smoking, the board games, it's only a matter of time before he starts playing bingo, watching wheel of fortune, and talking about how it was "back when he was young whippersnapper".

I swear, if Cutter and Pryce try to drop their tragic backstories...

Who is asking for Unit 214? Oh Doug. This is so sad. "Thank you 214 :)" "Yeah whatever" "Is everything okay?" EVEN BRAINWASHED HE STILL CARES ABOUT HER. "Pryce is nice" No, she's not Doug!

What happened? HE CALLED HER HERA! DOUG IS BACK! DOUG IS BACK! Doug, you have to pretend, but this is good. He's back. Our boy is back. 💕 Did talking to Hera bring him back?

YES HE IS BACK BABY. TAKE THAT CUTTER, YOU NASTY OLD FART!

"I was alone" Oh...oh. Hera's I am alone monologue. :( 💔

Doug talk like a robot! You need it to be believable. Oh Doug, don't become an actor. Thankfully Australian guy (Raymond, whatever) doesn't seem to be the most perceptive.

"It could have been worse. It could have been Dr. Pryce" Yep. Way worse.

What is Pryce doing that has RACHEL of all people so rattled? I don't like those sounds.

Oh her eye? And I guess that looks pretty gross. And still needs routine adjustment too. Well, well, I think we found some more insecurity. My "ripping apart the villains" sniffer is sniffing out some good stuff here.

Oh yippie. Jacobi's here to help.

Performance review? Review of who? Kepler? Style is Marcus's department, that is very true. HOW BADLY DO YOU NEED JACOBI? oh Kepler is gonna be tested isn't he? Are they gonna make him torture and shoot a compliant Jacobi?

"Boring again..." you're one to talk Cutter. It's always the same with you people.

DOUG, HE CAN TOTALLY TELL. Oh good Cutter is preoccupied and leaving them alone. Just say "yes sir" in a monotoned voice Doug!

Phew. I guess Cutter isn't used to doubting his work wife.

"Wanna know a secret?" 😂😂😂

What's funny is that Cutter could totally make Doug do that to trick her. Oh it looks like Lovelace thought of that.

Doug be incompetent and make references. Not even Pryce and Cutter can fake that. See? She believed that!

Headache? What does that mean? Lovelace's blood? Oh.

So what I'm hearing is that we need to do a few blood transfusions.

"Dr. Pryce can see and hear everything" then you might need to leave Hera.

"I'm here to help! 🥰" Jacobi seems cheery.

Examination table? What are Pryce and Cutter doing to him?

"How old was Dr. Maxwell?" 28. That's...that's young, oh no. That's so sad. Cutter knows it's Kepler's fault too. He's never gonna be done getting tortured with this.

Oh right. His arm is gone, I keep forgetting. They're giving him a prosthetic arm? Well they could have been far less ominous about that. "Prove you belong here." Um...how? He's giving him reading homework? Well that was less ominous than I thought. Wayyyy less ominous.

Hearing Jacobi like this is so funny, I'm sorry. Hopefully, Doug got him the blood and hopefully Jacobi keeps his mouth shut.

Oh. Jacobi didn't make it. Doug you can't risk losing the ground you have. You don't have 10 minutes!

Oh no. It's not Jacobi is it?

Ah. Kepler /derogatory.

I don't know about that Kepler, but I think you might be drowning in Whiskey.

Episode 57: The Devil's Plaything

Nice of them to take us directly back to Kepler's "well, well, well".

"I'm done here" That's the most you've sounded like a robot all day Doug!

See?

Oh and Jacobi is back!

I see Jacobi doesn't know about Kepler's new prosthetic upgrades.

"Putting an end to this. Blowing up the Hephaestus." I hate to say it, but that might be the only solution now.

Doug. Look. I know. I would never pick this solution. But think about your daughter.

Oh, Jacobi has plans to get them off. But um... WHAT ABOUT HERA? She IS the Hephaestus. Can you um...make her the sol? Oh, the sol can hold her consciousness? Well that's good, but Maxwell would be really useful right now. If only Kepler had been the one to go.

That is a good question Doug. Why didn't you get Minkowski first?

Oh gross. Doug. Doug. Do not talk to her. Don't talk to Rachel Young. Don't talk to Dr. Pryce.

"Are you there?" It might not be safe to speak. But Hera is always there, she said so herself.

Visual and thermal sensors? Good plan, but won't Pryce notice?

"As long as it's not Jacobi" *flashes to Jacobi*

"How are things?" Not the best time for small talk Jacobi.

Jacobi knew one of them? This is so sad. He's...yeah they're gone. No one comes back from what Pryce did. 💔 "What they did to them is what you wanted Maxwell to do to me" That was rough, but fair. Jacobi needed to hear that. I like his redemption arc. I'm glad to see it's finally going somewhere.

Rachel really hates Doug 😂

Doug please don't talk to yourself. And remember, you technically can't feel pain. Pretend it's an inconvenience. Why does Rachel sound like a schoolteacher yelling at a first grader while Doug moans and whimpers? 😂

"Oh hello Eiffel. You're bleeding." Indeed, Minkowski.

"Everything is going to be fine." Why do I feel like that might be a phrase Cutter and Pryce use to hypnotize them or something, they say it constantly.

"You just stuck a needle in my neck. That wasn't very nice of you" 😂 Please this is too funny.

"Everything is going to be okay." SEE? SHE LET HIM GO!

Oh no. He called her Hera. Pryce won't allow that.

"Why are you calling her that?" I knew it! Just come up with something... um...Cutter asked me to call her that for his amusement?

oh and even "it's all okay" won't save him now.

How did Minkowski get the walkie-talkie? Oh dear. She's been under the longest too. And she's a trained solider. Doug you should have shot the comms system faster!

"Commander?" "Not quite." "I'm putting the lieutenant on manual." PRYCE CAN JUST SPEAK THROUGH THEM?

DOUG DON'T TELL HER! DON'T TELL HER!

"Don't delude yourself boy" It's little things like calling Doug "boy" that make me realize how old Pryce and Cutter really are. At first I thought they were boomers, but are they from the early 1900s because they seem even older than boomers sometimes just by the way they talk.

Oh dear what's happening now.

"Eiffel is sacrificing himself, what a hero" 😂 Jacobi, never change. Well, do change, but not your sense of humor. That can stay.

The airlock? She's making Minkowski leave out the airlock?

Oh Pryce is onto Jacobi too! "Go to hell" "not before the lieutenant does" Just because you're doing there doesn't mean everyone is Pryce.

Hopefully the alien blood protects them?

Gross. Rachel and Hermes zombies. The worst.

Minkowski! Come back! You can do it!

The Hermes crew went down! They did it! And yes! Punch Young in the face!

No. Not Minkowski. No. She needs to see her husband again!

SHE'S BACK! NOW RUN! RUN FAR AND FAST!

"Have they hit you with a wrench before?" well, no, but they did try it. That's what happens when you lose Jacobi, Rachel. You get hit with wrenches.

Oh poor Hera. It's not your fault.

Alive or dead? Alive, if you can manage. Well at least that's good...I think...

"Only a set back" well let's hope not Cutter. Not interested in your idea of fun.

Episode 58: Quiet, Please

Is this episode about Kepler or Cutter? Because I need them both to be quiet.

Oh right, the plant monster. Good thing Minkowski set up all those weapon stations! Now let's go hunt the real monsters.

The new plan can't be the old plan. Hera told them everything. They know. It's not her fault Jacobi!

Hera, you have to realize that you can't hear this. You have to trust that they will get you off the ship. "Show that WOMAN some respect" YES MINKOWSKI. Very true. But also, you need to make sure they have no way to hear about your plans.

Cutter is also probably waiting on the sol for them in a big evil chair. He's likely practicing his evil speech right now.

This would be a great time for the plant monster to come back and kill Cutter. I wish they keep him around. 💔🪴

"As long as I don't have to be out there" *cuts to Doug out there*

"The only time you're getting visuals from one place" "It's weird I don't like it" Interesting. It probably does feel weird to Hera.

And there goes Doug. I just imagine Kepler telling Pryce "don't worry. I've been tracking them and I'm positive they're in storage, right behind this door" only for Doug to go screaming and flying past the window as Pryce stares at Kepler with a deadpan look.

Talking uses air. Good point. Perhaps they should all talk less. The good news is we haven't heard from Whiskey boy the entire episode. Perhaps he's giving Pryce and Rachel the Whiskey monologue as they go through the ship.

"You're other left" once again Doug is me.

As we listen to Doug go on this journey, I once again return to Kepler's prosthetic arm. I wonder if they can hack it.

Wait what's happening now? Oh the security system is active? Oh dear.

I'm just waiting for things to go wrong. There's no way Cutter Pryce and the gang aren't onto them.

Biometric or retinal... do they need Pryce's eyes? Oh she has spare eyes. I wonder what happens if they break. And how she lost her original eyes. 👁️

"Everyone in favor of going to the lab say "eye"" Lol, "the eyes have it" I love it.

I just know they're gonna show up. I know it. I'm just waiting for it.

There's no way Miranda would leave her lab this unsecured.

Oh...she has a lot of eyes does she? THEY MOVE? Ew. Well... I guess Pryce needs a lot of backups. If I were them I'd just grab one. What's so gross and unsettling about it? I mean, I get that they're eyes that move, but...they make it sound so horrifying. I guess this really must be Miranda's insecurity.

Did he drop the eye? Oh no. This just keeps getting worse. And why wouldn't you grab a backup and smash the rest? If Miranda needs backups, it must be for a reason! Make sure she can't see. It's like smashing someone's glasses or destroying their contact lenses. Get whatever upper hand you can!

Oh. Hi Raymond. Didn't expect you to be here. Um...what now?

An inspiring speech from Doug. Yes, give Hera a moment. I believe in her. 💕

Oh never mind it's Kepler. Gross.

Oh right, Pryce can see in the dark because of her eyes.

"I don't kill people. It's wasteful. I value all my workers highly" I hate Pryce. She's clearly mad about how they broke out of her restraints.

Recycle it! Good work Doug. Recycling and reusing is good the planet. Of course, we're in space, but...oh fire code. ♻️

Oh so Eiffel, Minkowski, Pryce, and Kepler are ejected in space?

Well. Um... that's an awkward group. Perhaps they can play a little Funzo?

Okay, now I REALLY can't listen to anymore. I've wasted way too much time procrastinating. But we're coming to the end now, which is exciting. See you (hopefully) soon everyone!

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drdemonprince · 2 years ago

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I know people got angry about the "talking about caffeine like any other drug" thing but I think it's so helpful not just to discuss the arbitrary lines between legal and illegal substances but also for informed consent purposes *with* caffeine itself. For example my use of alcohol has changed drastically since reading Unmasking Autism because I didn't realize I was only able to interact with allistics in the context of relaxed social rules when everybody was drinking. Now that I have that information my decisions around it are much different (basically using alcohol only when I *want* to get the feelings it gives me, and when I have to interact with people using other coping strategies instead).

I can't quit caffeine right now, but I might reduce its use in the future and only use it when I want that caffeinated feeling and not to keep up with work like I do now. Which I didn't even think about before, precisely because even though I rationally knew it was a drug I never thought of it as a "drug-drug".

Yo yessss thank you!!! Informed consent means being fully apprised of the risks and benefits of a substance, and having the freedom to choose when to use it. Currently, very few of us enjoy that level of empowered freedom with just about any substance that we use.

Our doctors don't tell us about all the risks of the drugs we are on (I'm still bitter as hell nobody told me that my muscle development would be stunted by going on hormonal birth control at 18!!! and that it would give me lasting breast growth), and the substances that are not medically prescribed but legal are ones that many of us quaff without thought, and without ever being told the effects of. For instance, did you know prolonged use of Benadryl increases the risk of developing Alzheimers??? I didn't! and i was using that shit to fall asleep and regulate anxiety for a time!!

In the United States in particular there is no open conversation with young people about the potential effects of alcohol, how the drug can act like a mild stimulant in smaller doses but then ricochet into massively depressing effects after hours of use, with an anxiety spike hours beyond that as it leaves the system. We don't talk to people about the effects of caffeine -- and that it's not necessarily normal for so many people to deal with daily gastric issues, trouble falling asleep, trouble sitting still, and intense irritability all day long as presently do.

Some people are just like that, some people have anxiety disorders and benefit from anti-anxiety meds to treat those symptoms, some people find ways of coping with it that involve mindfulness or meditation or whatever else -- but a great number of people who experience these issues are only going through them because they're on caffeine and they're working too hard. And what they've come to believe is an inevitable part of their chemistry is in fact economically and socially created from the outside, and could be prevented if they were only able to stop.

but many of them can't stop. because of capitalism. and so they aren't informed about the real risks & costs of the substances they are using, and they aren't freely able to revoke their (dubious) consent.

meanwhile as someone who only started using weed regularly about a year and a half ago and who is now curious about trying psychedelics, ive been lovingly inundated in helpful tips, usage guides, listings of various strains and their distinct effects, lab results testing doses, etc from the people I know who are passionate about those substances and want to ensure that anybody else using them has a good time.

I don't want to paint these substances with a pollyannaish brush either -- weed can trigger hallucinations and psychotic episodes in some segments of the population, a fact that too many ardent weed heads ignore -- but the difference in the level of control I have over my experience as a weed user and the utter lack of information and self-determination I have when seeking out prescribed meds, or even ingesting caffeine, is unreal.

So many foods covertly contain caffeine or openly are caffeinated yet don't document how many milligrams of the substance it has, for example. It's impossible to safely and responsibly use a substance when you don't even know how much you're getting, and it's bizarre we're all being dosed with stimulants all day long often without even realizing it.

this might seem like a low-importance example, and people will say to me dismissively that caffeine doesn't ruin any lives, but when I look back on how much I've used the substance to further my eating disorder and how many people i've been short and cruel-tempered with over the years because i was downing cups and cups of the stuff all day without reflection, i'm not sure i believe that argument.

but of course all roads in this conversation lead back to capitalism. i wouldnt have been drinking this stuff with abandon if i hadn't been trying to shove three days of work into a single 8 hours, and if my culture and economic system hadn't been foisting the stuff on me from day one.

my uncle says that i was always a deeply anxious kid, i guess it was something that my grandmother fretted about as well, and yet when i decided in my teens to start boosting that anxiety with caffeine every day, and became even more moody and negative, nobody connected the dots, and nobody thought to warn me. and why would they, nobody warned them.

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honeysuckle-venom · 1 year ago

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I've had a lot going on lately, psychologically, and I haven't been posting about 90% of it. I haven't been able to, I haven't had the words most of the time. I still don't. The last four days or so have been spent in a psychotic episode of astonishing intensity, one that feels more like our first break when we were 15 than almost anything since then. The whole summer has been very difficult, lots of trauma stuff and system stuff and psychosis stuff I thought I had put to rest coming up but coming up...differently, like the first time all over again instead of echoes? Idk how to explain it, my therapist had all sorts of good words for it in our session today but I was so psychotic I was only processing like 60% of what she was saying and I remember even less. I do know she said encouraging things about how every schizophrenic patient she's worked with has gone through this same process of temporarily getting much much better and tasting health for the first time and then having a significant recurrence of symptoms, and something about how the experience often mimics the first break/is like having the first break again for reasons I was too out of it to understand today but that are part of the healing process. So that was very comforting to hear, because my symptoms this weekend were honestly sort of terrifying.

But anyway. None of that was meant to be the original point of this post. I wanted to talk about how spiritually unprepared I feel for The High Holy Days. I mean, I always feel unprepared, I think everyone does, you're basically supposed to. If I'm remembering right that's even one of the phrases you say. But this year I have done less prep than any time in the last 5+ years. I just haven't been able to. I did manage to set aside one therapy session a few weeks ago to discuss my New Year's resolutions from last year and to what extent I've managed to stick to them, and to decide what ones I'm making this year, which is something really important that I do every year. I take my Rosh Hashanah resolutions very seriously and it's generally a real turning point in the year for me, they aren't the kind of casual resolutions a lot of people make in January like "I'm going to exercise," they tend to be significant decisions about how to live my life and treat myself and those around me. But besides that one therapy session and a tiny bit of contemplation on my own I haven't even tried to do the kind of spiritual inventory or teshuvah that I usually shoot for. And I'm trying to be okay with that. I spent this whole summer really struggling and the last few days psychotic and catatonic; I think Hashem understands that my priority has been to stay alive and that's pretty much all I've had the ability to do. But I'm still pretty much in survival mode and it sucks to be there just a few days before Rosh Hashanah. It's my favorite holiday and I haven't been able to think about it pretty much at all. I have plans to celebrate with friends both Friday and Sunday and intend to go to services Friday and Saturday, but I'm nervous that I won't be well enough for some or all of that. We'll see when we get there, I suppose. It's just a really bad feeling to know my favorite holiday is coming and normally I do a lot of internal and external work to prepare for it and I've done basically none of it and don't even feel that special "Rosh Hashanah is coming" feeling because I'm too busy being crazy. It just feels really sad and disappointing.

#text post #my post #idk my grandma's Rosh Hashanah care package arrived today #and instead of being excited i'm too crazy to even eat any of it bc food paranoia #and it's just...it's frustrating to be in this mental place when i want to be excited about the new year and stuff #and i'm nervous i won't be doing better by friday #i'm really hoping that like once it actually arrives and i eat some apples and honey and go to synagogue it'll help me feel better #but i just don't have it in me to do any spiritual reflection beforehand and i feel disappointed in myself bc of that #and i'm trying not to stress about it bc literally one of my resolutions for the past two years is being more gentle with myself #but it's just hard #jewish tag #elul tag

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granulesofsand · 10 months ago

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TW: Programming talk [not in depth]

I saw you answer an ask about RAMCOA and questioning if someone suspects they have been through it, something like that. I have a similar question, definitely from the same vein, and I'll try to keep this relatively simple. Some context is required for our specific case and why we are asking, but a general answer is also appreciated.

My general question is that: could someone not remember the RAMCOA they experienced?

I have suspected that my system contains programmed alters, but we have no tangible memories of RAMCOA. I feel like I would remember something like going through RAMCOA, if that makes sense.

This question comes from a place of pure ignorance, to be so honest and upfront. I've tried to do my due diligence when looking into RAMCOA and others' experiences, but every time we look into it, we have to take a huge break because of repeated triggering of what we think would be one of the programmed alters we suspect [of which there are five alters we suspect are programmed]. On top of that, bringing up him, and the subsystem he's from [all of which are suspected to be programmed alters], in therapy has been counterproductive for our safety. The last time we tried, he [the specific alter] triggered us to have a psychotic episode for 2 weeks, and it was dangerous for us. It was such a drop of a pin, snap of a finger trigger that it was jarring and terrifying. Straight up terrifying. I haven't experienced an episode so severe since I was medicated for my psychosis symptoms [so like,, 6+ years].

Our therapist tried to reassure us by saying that 'your brain split him because you needed him', but I cannot FATHOM why my brain would split off him [whose sole purpose is to trigger those episodes, as well as a second purpose I won't state] or any of the alters we suspect are programmed. They cannot deviate from whatever purpose they had before, and our usual approach with getting alters to work with the system, rather than against it, simply does not work. New approaches? Those don't seem to work either [or we just haven't found a way yet, ig]. He and the others can't deviate from what we call their 'scripts', just for the sake of labeling the experience we're going through. We don't even know if that [scripts, but in the way we are using it] is specifically a RAMCOA term, but we can't understand their behavior and that's the closest thing we can call it without calling it 'programming' or 'programmed behaviors', which we are unsure of it actually being that because of the lack of memories of RAMCOA [circled it back to the question].

Feel free not to answer this ask and straight up delete it. Your system's safety is more important to me than knowing the answer /gen/. Especially since I can't even say I will see you answer because I don't follow you, and likely one of the two gatekeepers from that bunch of [suspected to be programmed] alters will eat the memory of sending in the ask. I just generally don't have a place to ask this, and bringing it up in therapy isn't an option at this current time if the specific alter keeps getting retriggered. The only reason the gatekeeper of the subsystem [of the possibly programmed alters- the gatekeeper is his own can of worms] is letting me send this ask in is because of the anon feature and not being a follower.

🗝️🏷️ deprogramming, programming, neither with much detail

As always, I can’t tell you anything for certain. You can take as much of this answer as you find useful, and it’s just as good if that’s none of it.

You can absolutely have survived RAMCOA and not be aware of it. Systems are usually programmed so they don’t remember, and that can include the alters with the jobs.

Our system was designed to have at least three alters for every program; one who was present for/remembers the pain of the programming, one who formed in response to/to hold the beliefs of the programming, and one who carries out the assigned task.

The three are usually together under one shell, which looks like one alter to the rest of us, and have amnesia barriers between them. Sometimes they’re in different areas, or have some kind of bond that connects them in separate forms.

We also struggle with uncooperative insiders. Building trust takes a long time, and they were not sitting patiently while we worked on that. They had been taught to view the others they were hurting as subhuman, and continued to do their assigned tasks and disrupt healing.

Programming isn’t required to get alters who function this way, but deprogramming follows a similar process.

When the symptoms are present, or if you can interact with this insider without those, ask them why they do it. Ideally, start respectful. Keep asking questions, and acknowledge the good of whatever they’re doing— that helps them to feel understood, and they will have some reason for doing their task.

Sometimes the first answer (that isn’t cussing, staring, or leaving) is along the lines of “because I want to” or “you deserve it”. This is where you ask follow-up questions, such as why they want to or what you did wrong.

It might take negotiating to speak to them at all, and they’re likely to give an answer that riles you up. Regardless of what they meant by it, you have the bestest (/src) role of mediating and gentle parenting them. You might not actually be much better, but you gotta present a face that they can trust, and you can’t break that trust once you get it (as in try not to and make repairs when you do).

With programmed systems, a lot of alters are formed while the body is young. Our group programmed to have systems regulate themselves by 13, and programming typically stops before the system is expected to start their own life around 20. That often leaves insiders, particularly those who never surfaced, stuck at whatever developmental age the body was at when they were trained.

It’d be easiest to ask them how hold they are and how old the body was when they were around, but you might be guessing if they’re not talkative. Try not to talk above their developmental age, and use basic words where you can without using a baby voice at them.

Showing fear is unlikely to help, but so is aggression. Meet them where they are, match their tone and posturing unless it triggers defensiveness in them, and practice asking questions without interrogating, which some programmers teach lockdowns for.

And that’s the game; you keep trying and make sure they can understand when you address them. Working on memories happens when they’re ready for it, so you likely won’t have confirmation for a while.

In the meantime, make sure they’re comfortable wherever they are (as opposed to stuck in memories), and make some safety plans until you can ask for their jobs to be undone or turned down.

I think asks are supposed to show up in your notifications when they’re answered, so maybe you’ll see this. If you do, I’m sorry it’s all vague and grueling. Welcome to deprogramming, whether you need it once or a thousand times over.

#ramcoa #tw ramcoa #did osdd #osddid #polyfragmented system #traumagenic system #cdd system #adaptive system #ec did #hc did #pg did #ramcoa programming

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psychoticallytrans · 2 years ago

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This is gonna be a weird question, and im sorry in advance if i dont word it the best. is it possible to only have temporary psychosis, or, i guess, episodic psychosis? im bipolar (type 2, i *think*, my psychiatrist isnt one for divvying the two up tbqh and im not either) and back when i wasnt medicated, during 2021ish, i had what was most likely a psychotic depression episode (and have probably had more before, but my memory is really bad). i didnt get that diagnosed; i told my school counsellor about how i was feeling and she just kinda went "thats... a little out of my paygrade" sdfghjk. now that im medicated i dont have those kinds of episodes anymore, but, well--my symptoms have gotten worse lately, likely due to stress (i am a trans man, easily clockable as trans, living in florida, plus i've had life stuff going on) and i suppose im just wondering if you have any advice for trying to catch an episode before i'm near the end of it. sorry if this is technically easily-google-able, but i'll be honest, i dont trust random articles more than i trust people with the conditions they're talking about, given how stigmatized a lot of mental illnesses are. thank you for your time !! have a good day !!

No, it's not weird at all! It's certainly not easy to google, if you want accurate information. I'm glad you felt comfortable coming here to ask. Psychosis is a symptom. Specifically, it's a response to stress. Some disorders, like bipolar, make you more prone to it than average, lowering the amount of stress that needs to be applied for you to experience psychosis. For some people, the bar is zero stress applied for them to experience psychosis. For most people, the bar is pretty high, requiring major stress sustained over days for them to experience it- and when the stress is removed, they are no longer psychotic. In other words, the vast majority of people's psychosis is temporary!

It sounds like that for you, the amount of stress required is lower than most, and you're looking out for how to manage an episode. That's a great question to be asking, and I'm glad you're taking care of and looking out for yourself.

The first thing is to think back to your first episode, and think about what symptoms you experienced. Were there hallucinations? Delusions? What were they about, and how did they feel? Identifying what you experienced can help you figure out if you have an episode coming up. For me, the first thing is always hearing things that aren't there, like footsteps. Figuring out what your first thing is can help a lot. Next, think about what might help you figure out what is and isn't real. For visual hallucinations, a lot of people use their phones to check by looking through the camera app. For auditory ones, earplugs and recording then playing back sound are both common ones. For hallucinated smells, most people use nose plugs, but I use essential oils because they work better for me. I cannot smell anything past them, so anything that doesn't smell like the oil ain't real. For taste, I hear a lot of people use an ice cube on the tongue, but I don't have those. Anyone who does, please chime in! For tactile ones, usually touching the spot yourself will help.

Delusions are more complicated, especially when you're in the middle of them. The strategy that works best for me is basically examining my thoughts. First, I figure out if it's rational or not by applying logic. Why am I thinking this? Does it have a good reason behind it? Next, is this thought going to harm me or other people? If not, I leave it alone. You can choose to examine your benign delusions if you like, I just choose not to.

If it is (a common one that falls into this category for me is paranoia about leaving my home when I need groceries), I essentially start laying out an argument against myself, using my past experiences and research to resist the irrational thought (ex. going to the store is safe, even if it wasn't I can kick most people's asses, and if I can't do that I can scream loud enough to alert anyone within about a quarter mile, and even if something crap happens to me, I'm trained in First Aid and regularly update my training.). This can be difficult, and sometimes fails for me.

I also noted that you specifically had psychotic depression. this ca make things harder, because it's hard to do things when you're depressed. I recommend prepping for the possibility of an episode. Find ways to make your life easier. A list of self-accommodations you may find helpful:

Get some meals you can microwave. Make sure your meds are right next to something you can take them with. Try to keep enough clean laundry around that you won't have to do laundry during the episode. Disposable dishes and utensils are another great accommodation. Have a big trash bin you can pile trash into, and a misc box or hamper so that you can shove shit in it that you don't have the energy to put away, so you still have a floor to walk on safely.

The episode will be over, eventually, and you'll need to take care of whatever happened during it, but the better you take care of yourself during it, the faster it will be over.

If anyone else has advice, please feel free to add on!

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