#end of rope yay

[enchantedephiphany]

last year late 2023 I determined to focus on the things I care about. to really go for it. but 2024 diverted it so much!!!! - deaths in early part of year. then-- summer working so much I could barely do anything else. Fall... weirdness/craziness/injury/.... :(

I need a break. like an extra break. but the world isn't guaranteed to give you that. in fact it is extra hard on sensitive empathetic ppl like this... I long to do something but I am so easily crushed

s till i want to accomplish my dreams, goals, purpose, if at all possible!!!! life is nothing without these things. I can't plod along in some mediocre job (but maybe that's all i have the capacity for--) and just. settle. I have talents or at least predispositions... grande Ideas .... vague dreams I long for with all my heart. I can't just. ignore what's in my heart. that would make me a hollow person, going thru motions of life without passion or reason for being.

I'm a writer -- it's in my soul. I'll do that no matter what. I'd like to have others like what I write-- that'd just be a bonus.

What I write about has always been both psychological, focusing on individual thoughts and feelings, and epic. It's symbiotic with what I want to do IRL. I"m fascinated with international relations/events-- always have been. I am passionate about freedom and justice. I want to make the world a better place. I want to research, investigate, write. use words to help. Learn and create solutions, form ideas that work and impact hearts and minds. promote the values I care about. rescue and protect.....

do i need a masters degree or can I learn with independent study enough to be listened to and respected??

what exactly would I do.

blog/investigation-- OSINT--

I also want to have my own creative business. idk if it's possible to do it on the side--- perhaps as main income-- so the other thing can be nonprofit/freelance which takes a long time to develop/pro bono.... as of now I have no way to earn money in any of these things --and i need money to live lol and MOVE OUT (i'm going crazy now without my own space.... )

Since I lived at my aunts, i realized how healing nature is. and space. I need space to live. if i didn't feel so pressed in, I would be able to do more outside things. I feel like ... my parents inhibit me psychologically too much. i don't want to be dependent on them esp for my main socialization... need to expand mind, horizons... become my own person, who i'm meant to be-- I'd really like to have a plot of land in the country so I can have a horse, a few animals (eventually-- my dream since I was about 11 and Mom read me and my 2 younger sisters The Hiding Place-- is to have a camp for people who would benefit from a healing environment. it's gotten a bit clearer... with Ukraine war i've seen how much benefit people with PTSD can get from animals, being in nature.... this may be a long way off)

since the blow up during the fun airbnb weekend with my sisters, (me fighting with myself downstairs and outside so i wouldnt yell at them for being ignorant about Ukraine and russia) I determined to go to Ukraine, to travel-- and I renewed passport. I did that (haha partly also panicking bc trumpelection) but then i became a burden even to myself again... when i can't sleep bc of pain from a stupid injury-- how could i possibly do that lol (as if i accomplished anything but dreaming before that... fumbling around... got clearer but still. what's clarity if you don't have ability

..... so