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totaleclipse573 · 9 months

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Can I dump some lore on yall real quick. Actually a pretty long post if you're interested but its

About Doleon, the Supreme, the Shards of Chaos, etc. Basically the beginning of it all.

Oc Universe lore has been on my mind recently (I may have talked about some of these things before, and if I have, HERES A BETTER EXPLANATION.)

FIRST, THOUGH! LITTLE WARNING BECAUSE THINGS DO GET VIOLENT TOWARDS THE END. NOTHING VERY GRAPHIC DESCRIBED, JUST A MENTION, BUT JUST IN CASE...

Before anything, the personalities and powers of the brothers, just a recap :

Akmad : The over-the-top, plays by the rules and makes sure you will too brother. NO CHAOS (fun) ALLOWED. We have a PURPOSE here and its OUR JOB to make sure we do it right. Doleon, Lorcan, no, you cannot use your energies to race around and go fast. Each "shard connection" grants them an ability to better protect them. Akmad's is light (the power of flashlight-)

Erebus : Cold, serious and secluded. He pretends not to care when he really does. His power is foresight, but its really random, and typically, no one believes him (until it happens)

Orpheus : Really silly, kind of dumb, acts before thinking. He's very kind hearted and gentle, despite his ability of overwhelming strength. The one who doesn't know whats going on most of the time but thats okay.

Ragnar : ANGY, short tempered, impatient. His ability goes well with him, pyrokinesis. (I imagine he gets angry and just starts flaring at the tips of his quills.)

Lorcan : The goofster, "I ain't gonna listen to no one," living by his own rules (or, trying to. Thanks for that, Akmad.) He can just go really fast 👍

Doleon : Doleon. Electro energy thing.

Kieran : Selective mute (except with Doleon, for some reason,) little baby man, scaredy cat. He doesn't really know his ability yet but he's made some funky purple portals once.

So to start, it all began with the Supreme. The earliest known guardian to all seven Shards of Chaos. But they've (behold, an all powerful enby entity,) been guarding and keeping their power safe from the universe for SO LONG, centuries, perhaps longer? That its negative effects start to take toll. The shards begin to corrupt them, and it takes EVERYTHING THEY'VE GOT not to go in too deep and stay morally good. But the power is killing them, they know they're going to die soon. But the Shards can't just be left unprotected. They need a new guardian. New GUARDIANS. One for each, so the power doesn't become too much to handle.

One by one, Supreme "creates" each guardian (who needs childbirth? JUST LITERALLY CREATE ONE OUT OF PURE ENERGY. They're created using shard energy, and that gives each of them their connection to a specific shard.)

The order goes, from "eldest" to "youngest," Akmad, Erebus, Orpheus, Ragnar, Lorcan, Doleon, and Kieran. They technically don't have ages, nor can age physically. They're adults in the brain.

They were created as small children, raised by the Supreme until they could handle themselves (cough cough a few months cough) HAD THEIR OWN PARENT ERASED FROM THEIR MEMORIES TO PREVENT ATTACHMENT, and then sent into this weird little "world" that only they could enter. It was really to prevent any distractions from their main goal of protecting the Shards (which is a memory they're left with. Call it destiny. They know the Supreme EXISTS, they just don't remember ever being around them.)

They specifically aren't supposed to abuse the power of the Shards. It's always been DANGEROUS AND FORBIDDEN. Akmad especially enforces these rules (he SWEARS he remembers encountering the Supreme once before…he'll be the one to enforce their will.) Of course, though, A LOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time passes (remember the ageless thing?) and Doleon is kind of sick of it? Always just being told to DO THE THING BECAUSE ITS WHAT THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO. Like, what if he's a little curious? All Akmad or anyone will ever tell him is that its their PURPOSE or some crap. He needs MORE THAN THAT. Why CAN'T they use the Shards energy unless its to protect them? He's used it for fun a few times before and come out just fine! Maybe he would…experiment a bit.

So he does and the results are a disaster, obviously. He overloads on the energy, whoops.

Essentially, it takes the connection Doleon has with the energy of his shard, breaks a sort of "barrier" meant to keep him safe from its negative effects, and disguises itself as a good thing. Like look, you let me use you as a host for more power? You get more power. Simple as that. And that's what it is, he's able to use his energy without barriers. In other words, he overloads on it.

So despite how terrible he felt afterwards, when he WAS able to use it it actually felt pretty good? Like he was the most powerful person in EXISTENCE. THERE WAS LITERALLY NOTHING THE ENERGY DIDN'T ALLOW HIM TO DO. NO LIMITS! Kind of addicting, really. A little too much so. If ONE shard did all that…what kind of power would ALL SEVEN give him?

So Doleon knows he probably cant get the shards on his own. If the guardians aren't around, the little temple thingies they're secured in have slight defense mechanisms. Still not enough to keep them fully protected without their guardians, which he probably needs to lure away somehow, but still risky. He needs help. Maybe from someone who would do anything for him…? No matter how crazy it would sound to everyone else…?

That's right, I'm roping Kieran into this mess.

"I just wanna try something out! It won't hurt anyone, promise!" Oh Doleon if you knew. It seemed a little odd, but Kieran would try and be as helpful as possible!

Summary of the whole process bc its too long to describe in full : They find ways to get the shards however they can. Sometimes, it was pretty easy (especially with Orpheus…easiest one yet) but other times, it proved difficult. A few times, they even accidentally managed to activate the defense mechanisms (one of these being…particularly traumatizing for Doleon, where the temple might have sort have began to close up on him and if Kieran couldn't find a way to stop it in time, he would be killed through two walls literally colliding against his body and squashing him to death slowly and painfully. How silly. Wonder where he got that claustrophobia from.)

Little by little, the more shards they collect and hide from the other brothers, the more changes Kieran notices in Doleon. It scares him, but he'll keep going. Just…maybe keep a close eye on him. Eventually, they run into Erebus, not really paying much attention to where they're going, and Doleon just crashes into Erebus, much to the older brother's annoyance. But something happens. He sees something. A quick little flash in his mind, but still. One of what looks to be one of his own brothers still stands, he can't really see who, but the others? Nothing but shadowy, blurred corpses on the ground. When his two younger brothers have already left and he's alone again, it snaps him back to reality. Remember when I said he pretends not to care about anything? Well shit, what he just saw looks bad. REALLY bad. Someone must have…broken through, somehow. Hurt all but one. He NEEDED to prevent that. So he goes to his other brothers to tell about what he saw, all while Doleon and Kieran go about getting the last shard remaining. No one could FATHOM one of their own hurting the others…it makes no sense! Ruled out automatically.

But what if I said.

Doleon doesn't even know what he's about to do. Literally, mind disconnected from everything else. Once he decides to do what he planned to try with all seven, the shards are in control now. But it doesn't fully happen until he decides to SNAP. And when is that? During an argument with Akmad over his recent strange behavior where Doleon insists nothing is happening or wrong. The shards take over and whoops! You stabbed your brother with an energy spear straight through the heart! Cool, heres some more energy to do a little more violence to the rest of them.

You have to But you know who he snaps out of it at. Poor little Kieran, who could do nothing but watch all that time…the others all fought, so why didn't he?! Why did HE have to be the coward?! Why did HE have to be the little weakling good for nothing at all?! And to make it all worse, he HELPED cause this. He was SOOOOOOOOOOOO WILLING TO HELP! Did that make the half of it his fault?

He's just so done with Doleon now. He may be blaming himself too but Doleon killed all the rest. He's actually angry. He's never risen his voice before, but look at him now. Neither of the remaining two are themselves anymore.

He just turns away. Doleon knows he's not coming back. That hurts…but the shards tell him it shouldn't. You're all powerful now, aren't you? That's what you wanted from the start! Do something with it! Forget Kieran, forget your brothers! You never needed them anyway!

And he turns away too. Shame, they had the strongest bond out of all seven…

And for the rest of his immortal life, Kieran decides he needs to be better. Just. Never care again. And what does that turn him into, centuries later?

In the oc universe au, Kieran is in the place of :

Black Death :) Now, I'm aware that Doleon and Kieran being brothers...does not make Shadow and Eclipse brothers. But here's the thing about that, idk WHAT they are actually. Bc to that extent they aren't canonically "brothers" either. In canon, Doom created Black Death, and he created Eclipse. Who knows what that makes them. Due to that, I headcanon that "brothers" in the Black Arms is just the general familial term. Therefore, to me, it makes sense. Sooooooo...random lore drop! Hooray!

#sonic the hedgehog #sth #sonic fandom #oc universe au #sonic au #doleon lore?#supreme #akmad #erebus #orpheus #ragnar #lorcan #doleon doom #kieran #i should talk about them more #guardian bros

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randomfaeriedragon · 1 year

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Hey, guess what I did this week?

Thats right, draw 3/5 OC Iterators that began growing in my brain on a photoediting program with my computer's touchpad!

This is the first time I've ever really drawn something digitally other than my profile pic & rw brainrot, and it's definitely the first time I've designed iterators, so yeah! Enjoy the art and subsequent Lore dumps under the cut :)

Iterator 35, Gen. 2: Shaded Pewter Lights / SPL

Built at the base of a dry, desert-like mountain, SPL preferred to occupy their time with huge, complex mechanical experiments rather than genealogical or Acension-based research. They despise thinking about the Great Problem, as no one can experiment if they're all dead, though they don't dislike iterators who attempt to solve it (for that reason alone). Their city used to harbor and attract skilled mechanics and engineers for miles around, as a particularly prodigous university was located on their can. Though they rarely interacted with their citizens, they often miss the requests they sent them, especially those sent by the less experienced artificers of their city; however, they feel little love for the Ancients beyond appreciation for their skill in mechanics (the skill required to build the iterators).

In the past, SPL has repeatedly set up projects within their can that could only be described as titanic Rube Goldberg Machines. SPL often sought to improve the functionality of their can with these experiments (plus having fun), keen to observe and record as much data as possible from the cycles-long whirring of cogs and water wheels before setting everything up again to repeat. Their main goals included lowering their needed water intake, gaining a form of low-power mode for bad weather, and utilizing lightning as a secondary power source. Though many saw these modifications as taboo, SPL couldn't care less, blocking almost all communication during their experimentation era: however, they often shared their knowledge with APS to assit in the creation of the wildlife santuary on his can, and many of the conduits used to water plants there are of their design.

Due to an integral flaw in the rerouted void fluid piping of their Easternmost Leg, SPL's can collapsed in the middle of a heated arguement with their local group, with their Westernmost Leg piercing through their can. With rust and sand permeating their structure, their many mechanisms fell silent for the first time since the Ascension. Although SPL is still connected to their can, overseers, and local communications arrays, they can no longer induldge themselves in experiments; they barely have enough power function as is. They now spend most of their time chatting with other iterators in their local group, sending overseers to APS's sanctuary, and attempting to prevent further discoloration and rust on their puppet. They're not usually bitter, but particularly vulgar arguements with EN can send them into a spiral.

SPL still feels they did the right thing in modifying their can. Though the other iterators refuse to admit it, the main reason they still function is due to the modification of their can.

Iterator 77, Gen. 3: Rain from Clear Skies / RCS

Although he often jokes around, RCS is the most calm and collected of his local group. He often finds himself mediating fights between his local group (read: SPL and EN) for this reason, as has the astonishing ability (within his local group at least) to sit back, consider something fully, and make mostly objective decisions. He also uses this ability to point out details many other iterators overlook, so is often called for help with malfunctioning software and to explain why some experiments went wrong. His citizens instilled him with a love for quiet and time to contemplate, and they had a moderately positive relationship, so often misses them. But when he isn't meditating or recording data from around his can, he's talking with EN. They have soft spots for each other.

His name comes from the already heavy rainfall in the region where his can was built, which his construction didn't help; very little non-semi-aquatic wildlife remains around his can. However, he often moderates the remaining flora and flauna to insure it's continued survival, and has sent more than a few wounded animals to APS so she can assit in their recovery. When he's not researching, RCS also acts as the jokester of his local group, and often codes pranks and malware intended to cause harmless irritation into sent messages. He's gotten quite good at it, to his local group's endless infuriation (and delight). He doesn't send these to SPL, though, as their systems likely wouldn't be able to handle the repairs.

Iterator 16, Gen. 1: Even Nightfall / EN

As one of the earliest iterators built, EN's city was particularly religious and pious, priding themselves on their virtue and detachment from the material world. This did not bode well for EN, who had an almost abusive relationship with their citizens; they treated EN as something to deal with their problems and nothing more. After they Ascended, EN felt both a weight off their shoulders and, for a reason he can't pin down, a profound sense of betrayal that their creators abandoned them. Though a few in their local group see them as nothing more than cruel and callous, EN is very emotinally reserved (but also very, very smug) and astoundingly protective and kind towards those they care for. This includes RCS, their genticially modified slugcat Arps, and to some extent APS.

APS acted as a sort of mentor to EN when they were built, helping them manage their city's requests and sneak in a few personal projects on the side. While their city didn't approve of the projects they found, and reprimanded EN, the number EN kept secret far outnumbered those discovered by the Ancients. With their creators gone, EN found a hobby genetically modifying the pre-existing wildlife around their structure, and has improved their already impressive skills; this lead many genticially modified organisms to spread out and inhabit EN's can, and is also where Arps came from.

Named after APS, Arps acts as a mix between a therapy animal and pet for both EN and RCS. Arps frequently travels between EN and RCS's cans, and EN gave them the ability to glide to ease this passage; however, they (and RCS) also always send an overseer along with Arps to ensure their safety. Even when Arps is simply gliding between trees in the Rainworld Equivalent of a Sparse Pine Forest surrounding EN's can, he always sends an overseer to make sure they're OK. They're almost overbearing!

EN and RCS are perhaps the closest out of any of the iterators within their local group, and frequently chat or play 7-dimensional chess for entire cycles before they have to check up on an experiment so it doesn't explode. Though they couldn't talk much and weren't nearly as close pre-Mass Acension, RCS was one of the few iterators who spent the time to work around EN's colony's communication restrictions and talk to them. He was a great comfort, and one of the only reasons EN didn't crack under their city's pressure.

Not Featured Here: (bios will get out eventually)

Iterator 4, Gen. 1: A Profound Serenity / APS (Any Pronouns)

Iterator 84, Gen. 3: Tide Rolling In / TRI (She/Her)

Arps (They/It)

Probably One or Two More Iterators

CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE: I used an Ancient script by @ikayblythe for the displays by my iteratoes, took heavy inspiration from iterator designs by @altitudeofalcatraz, and took the idea of Iterator Number Deisgnations from Daszombes' Iterator Logs on Youtube.

Anyways, I'm going to go drop off the face of the planet for a week. Thanks for reading this much this far, goodbye!

#hoo boy this is and was a lot #how much does it say that i talked about EN's trauma before anything else?#I struggled with EN's design so much #I could never tell if the colors were too bright or not vibrant enough #and I originally drew them in greyscale-#Also don't mind their pose I meant to have their arms crossed but realized later they were not in fact doing that #also also the overseer designs were a headache #I might go back and completely revamp RCS and EN's overseer designs #but yeah #first major “did an art” achieved!#rain world #rainworld #iterator ocs #rain world ocs #rw shaded pewter lights #rw rain from clear skies #rw even nightfall #I went back and fixed some typos and stuff so hopefully it reads a bit better now-#randomfaerieart

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island-in-the-shadows · 11 months

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Yeah I need a break from this because I'm still like...going through it after E6 & E7. My brain is scattering.

Like, congrats on the 24hr sex marathon Lucius and Pete.

Not for nothing but that Ned guy was a dick and Stede does not like bullies. Especially when they bully the man he loves.

Wee John as Calypso served looks on looks on looks and it was everything and I am here for it.

They really had Izzy sing the more romantic version of La Vie en Rose (the original, bien sûr) while Stede and Ed got physical. That's like...ouch.

Stede and Ed literally had Sim sex with those fireworks. I don't make the rules.

Ed, babygirl, adorable crazy...I get why you want to get rid of it but like, maybe repurpose? Have Wee John change it a bit? You look so fine in leather.

Izzy literally going: Congrats on the Sex. I choked on my water.

Zheng Yi Sao. Her. 10/10 💯 Girl, whoop that man's ass. (But also the clocks were so bombs and I was shaking because you do not deserve that. You need to be in a Corona Extra commercial with Olu and Olu brought Jim who brought Archie and it's the four of you on beach chairs drinking beer with zero cares.)

Izzy how do you know Steak Knife? Tell me the story because there is one for sure.

Ed and Stede just like, go from being adorably twirling your hair while you talk to your crush silly and then not communicating and fucking up. COMMUNICATE LADS

Stede decided to go the absolute t--twaffle route of my bf dumped me and, again, Zheng rightly should kick his ass.

CONCLUSION (TLDR): Need a week to recover from the events.

#ofmd #ofmd s2 #ofmd spoilers

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ruminate88 · 4 months

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A partial breakthrough:

So I had to go to the dentist today… haven’t been since I was a child 😓 Whatever, that’s no big deal. The big deal is going somewhere by myself…. I realize for years I focused on everyone but me. I talked to emotionally unavailable men who made me feel like sh*t. Why did I talk to them??? They were lying about making me feel that way… With their words, they’re promising me Jupiter but with their actions, they’re acting like I’m a stupid idiot who doesn’t deserve to be alive. Andrew was with me during a suicide attack ensuring me that something is wrong with me… who could resort to suicide, unless something is seriously messed up with them?? LIES!!!!!!

So long I knew nothing about manipulating or emotional abuse & how worthless they are trying to make you believe you are. Make you feel like a burden when they dump alll their burdens on you and ask you to carry them!!! Cody cried to me so many times “please fix me” uggggh 😭😭😭 bro, I can’t fix myself. How can I fix you??? But with allllll the love in my heart, I tried!!!!! I was faithful to Cody and Andrew!!!! They drug my heart through the mud and I didn’t understand it…..

I already didn’t trust myself after I broke up with Andrew but I didn’t know why. THEN when I learn about emotional abuse, I realize how evil the world is. How cruel and selfish people are. I begin to make sense of all my digestive issues I’ve been having and various other problems!!!!!!!!! My body won’t ever rest and I NEVER feel confident to go out and do anything new by myself. It all makes sense now!! I’m almost nervous to go out by myself cuz in the back of my mind, what if my exes are stalking me or what if something else happens AND I don’t wanna live in fear like that 😳😳😳

Someone told me the other day, “you gotta tell your brain that you’re safe now.” Like ok, I’m trying but it stays froze up. I don’t trust anyone new and I don’t go for anything new. I watch the same sitcoms on repeat. For years: I’ve felt guilt when I buy myself something. No matter how small…. I’ve neglected myself so long. I mean, I haven’t been to the freakin dentist since I was a kid!!!!! Today was HUGE for me. (It’s not that my parents like didn’t help me growing up, they did just that at some point they depended on me to take care of grandma and help my bro out so like they passively aggressively ignored my needs to use me but they really needed me and I was a kid… I didn’t know what I was doing but I took on this “mother” role & just self abandoned so easy.)

I have been asking myself lately, why IS it so hard to take care of my own needs… why is it so scary and painful?? Why do I fear doing adult things on my own??? I mean, school labeled me with a “learning disability” I’ve battled that all my life trying to get over that label PLUS talking to emotionally unavailable men who consistently put me down… always being critical of me so I expect it now. I wait for my husband to be critical and put me down. Then if he doesn’t, I beat myself up because I know I’m comparing him to past relationships 😓 that’s not fair to him!!!! I’ve lived my marriage with one foot in and one foot ready to flee if it goes dark again… 💔💔

I feel this WALL currently in front of me and I know it’s a part of the healing journey that needs another break through. Also, I need to legit forgive my exes not just keep saying it but acting on it and I need to get over the past. Get over this “wall” I feel. This “emotional barrier” keeping me from being in the present with my family and husband. Ugh.

I don’t know what’s next but I don’t believe I’m stuck. I just believe I’m learning more life lessons and help is on the way. I WILL get over this wall. I haven’t been able to legit full on cry like I use to. I wanna cry for Andrew and even Cody. I cried when we broke up but I mean, I wanna cry to where I grieve fully over Andrew and then just let him go!!!! Plz God 🙏🏻

One more thing: I’ve been tired beyond words. I have had zero energy to do anything hardly. I realize for the first time this week I HAVE TO REST!!!!!! 😝😝😝 I want to keep going and I will but I mean on top of healing the trauma and the betrayal, I’ve been healing my digestive and now needing trips to the dentist like I never dreamt all this would happen!!!!!! (Not blaming the dentist trips on the abuse, that’s just part of ignoring myself too long) I thought it was just a heart break 💔 but when it wouldn’t heal so easy, I KNEW something was more serious at play. I can’t quite explain it but wow. 🤯 it’s sooo much…..

One Freakin Day At A Time 🥴❤️‍🩹🙏🏻🥺😝

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khaleesiofalicante · 2 years

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My family: talking while we had dinner

My brain: so we will be thinking about Other Max and this whole chapter in these hours. Let me tell you that...

Omg and we went for Christmas to the house of the mother of my aunt, it was all nice ig, but there was this lady who idk who she was but she looked like Izzy Lightwood and I was in awe!!! I stan her tbh. She should dump her boyfriend and he get the Simon Lewis she deserves tho...

Leaving that behind, WHAT DID I READ MA'AM??? I AM EMOTIONALLY IN HELL😭😭

The conversation Other Max had with Alec and him being so chill about this sjhsidjdkd. No one can do it like him🥺

And the talk between Magnus and Max punched my heart repeatedly but it was also so beautiful and Max erasing their memories with the rain. I did NOT expect that!!!

I did wanted to see Max's and David's POV of this clusterfuck though. For pain purposes🙂

But also I'm fricking scared bc what the hell happened for him to learn warlock math and time travel and it wasn't to get David's memories back bc he didn't do THAT so then what is it??😭

Selena is the best babe to ever exist and I LOVE HER OK?!? I STAN. I ADMIRE. I LOVE. I-

He finally told him about the memories!! Fuck yeah!!! I actually screamed and my family was so done bc we were supposed to be doing chores lmao. Maybe I died a little when Max told him everything he could remember about them and the whole "I love you madly" "And I madly love you" but it's ok :) why would I need a heart for?🙂

FUCKING SHADOWHUNTERS AND FUCKING CLAVE AND I HATE EVERYONE IN THIS MOMENT AHHHHH!!! HAVE THEY CHANGED AT ALL???

Ok I know they have but it sometimes doesn't look like it. They exiled David from Idris??? When they just suspected he was a thread??? I had to take several breaks in this scene

And Chopin 😭😭😭no my baby!!! He didn't do nothing wrong!!! And he was lovely!!! I HATE YOU VICTORIA AND I HATE YOU KYLE!!! Yeah I may have cried about the dead of a demon what about it?!?

Also can I marry Achilles?? Everything he said was😍 this man is gorgeous And I am grateful for him everyday!!

I am extremely sad for David. He has lost enough for a lifetime. His memories. His home. Why?? What has he done besides loving others and being so fucking kind??

Rosewood ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Max also waking away from the Clave... Fuck. This will have consequences. But when he says he doesn't want to be anywhere David isn't allowed🥺

And I loooved the scene between Rafel and Max. It shows Rafael understands in some way (and the little flashbacks to when Rafael wanted to strip off his runes was unnecessarily painful) and that Max knows he isn't to blame. Also the quote “You can’t stop us from leaving,” Max told him. “But if anyone can bring us back, it’s you. Fix your Clave, Rafael. Before it gets anyone else hurt.” it hit something on me😭😭

For a second I thought Max wouldn't want to be his suggenes. Thank god that wasn't it!!! And that was the best bachelor party EVER. I LOVE MERLIN!!! And Rafael feeling like a boy is something that can actually be so personal 😭

Rosewood finally going to marry??? In this year??? I am afraid if I blink something will go south lol

What a chapter. And this are just the things I remember rn, which probably aren't a lot bc I am sleepy and a liiiittle drunk. But I did wanted to share the fact that I couldn't keep still while reading this bc it kept me on edge the whole time and I experienced so many things 😭😭

De todos modos, Feliz Navidad!!!! Espero que te la pases muy bien, Dani!! Con personas que te agrade y comida rica y mucho amor y descanso porque te lo mereces!!! Ahora tal vez si tenga que irme a dormir porque ya no puedo pensar en inglés jajsjsh,

💙.💙.💙.

Okay i didn’t understand most of the Spanish and I had to use google translate and I’m not happy about that. 2023 better have more time for my learn Spanish or else 😤😤😤

And lmao reading fanfics during family events is such a mood 😂😂😂😂

Here is a tiktok for you. I don’t even have to say who this is lol. Happy Christmas 🎄

#lbaf

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toomanyideasandfandoms · 5 months

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Highkey I might dump some twst related ideas that have never left my brain even after stopping interactions with it.

Mainly just thinking about Yuu being an isekaied protagonist who had actual knowledge of the game. Like basically what we all want to end up as if we did get isekaied into twst (I would use my knowledge for chaos stirring).

Also Ace being a girl dad, I will not elaborate on that. That is just from an era I choose to not think about (not because of bad reasons, I just don't want to admit my simpage. I'm basically being dramatic)

Though I haven't read any fics so idk how the general characterizations in the fandom are anymore (they were bad before so idk if they got better or worse over time). Frankly I choose to ignore some of it because of how I feel on the en translations of the game (JP player from the beginning of the game's life) and how it botched some things imo.

So if I did talk about anything twst related forgive me for I wish to stick with the jp terms and may end up ignoring any en terms either because I don't know them or because I find some stupid even as a native en speaker

#not tagging the main shit again #idk how people feel about the...debate i guess over the en terms #frankly it doesnt actually fucking matter #though some are very stupid still #madol into thuabucks????#WAIT ITS THAUMARK #STILL SOUNDS STUPID #also idk if these are actual terms they sound too stupid #its literally magic dollars #okay gonna shut up now

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treesah · 1 year

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It’s funny how becoming a mother literally installed empathy into my brain, but only for one person. I thought I felt empathy before, but now I’m realizing that what I thought were emotions may have just been me thinking about what it would be like to feel things in a particular moment. When my son is having a bad time or feeling bad, I feel literal physical pain. I want to fix everything for him. I want to cry with him. I want to grab the other three-year-old who pushed him off the swings and tear that kid apart. We hug it out instead and I say some bland platitudes about ignoring people who are mean.

When people who aren’t my son tell me about how they’re having a bad time or feeling bad, mainly what’s happening for me internally is a superficial “That’s rough, buddy,” or maybe a vaguely concerned “You should definitely repeat this to your therapist, or get a therapist if you don’t have one.” And that’s for people I know and like!

Some people, like my husband, appreciate my unfiltered response. He told me some stuff and I told him that if I ever felt the same way, it either meant that I needed to go touch grass or that I was going through a major depressive episode and needed to go back on real meds instead of taking megadoses of Vitamin D and Omega-3s. He initially seemed taken aback, but then he told me appreciated being dunked on instead of coddled—even though I wasn’t trying to dunk on him, I was genuinely trying to give him a helpful assessment of his undesirable negative feelings and I just didn’t put as much effort into wording it for him as I would for anyone else. (Upon reflection, this is probably why my husband thinks I am unreasonably indulgent towards our son, and sometimes admits to feeling jealous of the way I treat him. But also—our son is a three-year-old child and my husband is an adult. Surely it makes sense that the level of tenderness I exhibit to each one of them is different.)

For everyone else, I’m very good at saying the right things and providing the needed mode of interaction (advice/active assistance or commiseration). Having close bonds with other people is really nice! Being helpful and included gives dopamine!

For things I come across online, I feel mainly amusement, if anything at all. It’s probably fake, and it’s definitely a cry for attention. r/AITA is full of laughs when you don’t feel like watching anything on TV and you’re not in the mood to engage in any meatier reading. It’s always with a sense of prurient interest when I learn that something in a reality TV show or a juicy online post is real. Look at how the other half lives!!! People really are this messy in real life!!! Amazing.

Becoming emotionally activated from experiencing someone else’s unsolicited trauma dumping is very foreign to me. Especially via reading text online. Like, cool story bro, if it’s real talk to a therapist, if it’s not, post your own fic about it. I think I watched what you’re talking about in one of the Saw movies or maybe a hentai, but yours had fewer orcs and tentacle monsters.

Maybe I’m too desensitized from all the violent and gory TV and movies I’ve watched and all the violent and gory video games I’ve played and all the charities I’ve donated to that turned out to be scams (apparently the Red Cross uses your money for more Red Cross advertising and NOT earthquake relief!) and the constant never-ending grind of people dying in horrific ways en masse on the 24-hour news cycle (funny story, my first memory of the United States is eating a bagel with cream cheese upon arrival at JFK International, and my first memory of watching TV in the United States is seeing a pile of dead bodies from the Rwandan genocide on the nine o’clock news).

Sure, human suffering sucks, but it’s not useful to feel anything about it. If it’s some rando online, it’s probably a scam and I hear doxxing them to verify real life details is unethical, so who cares if it’s not a scam (report it to the proper authorities if you’re straight up being sent something illegal like CSAM, or don’t if you hate the cops too much even for that, I guess). If it’s something happening to someone you know or happening out there in the world, do something about it or don’t. Anyone who needs to feel something about human suffering to do something about it is either fake or easily manipulated or both. A nurse providing care and comfort to a wounded soldier doesn’t also have to blow her own leg off with a grenade to understand that having your leg blown off Feels Bad and requires intensive treatment.

#personal

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petertingle-yipyip · 5 months

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hiii pookie !!! the months have been going by too fast, like wdym its already may??? wdym I'm seeing taylor in 2 months??? wdym I turn 18 ten days after I go to the tour??? anyways (I fear I'm losing it)

how have you been?? how's everything?? I hope everything is less stressful at the moment!

also I swear I'll try to catch up with mag soon 🙏🙏 (me try to catch up with mag challenge (impossible) ) I've just been too obsessed with twd/twdg, succession and 911 currently, and stardew valley (i suck balls at the game, haley loml tho)😭 but after I've finished succession and some seasons of twd I'll probably start the 100 🙏

hello love 🥰 that’s so crazy! i hope you have the best time and take lots of pics and videos and sing your little heart out 🫶 as for me, i’m managing, i guess. still obsessed w my hair color lol but school stuff is dangerously close to plateauing due to the fact that my observations are done but i don’t have recommendation letters so im worried i wont make it this time and will have to wait another year. also got interesting news from my doctor that’ll require extra tests (he thinks it’s probably nothing) 🤷‍♀️ it’s all barreling towards apathy, yknow

anyways, enough brain dump (my sisters out of town for the week so it’s all been sitting in my head) i’m trynna get writing again so i have like 5 started projects (like 3 bellamy and 2 matt) that are going no where and im trying to get wcs2 going so i can just tie a ribbon on the mag universe for a little while (probably gonna do a little 2pt black widow movie plot w her too) but everything just feels like it takes so much energy 😭😭 but i have a concert next week so that’ll be fun

oh, but i finished a couple books! and i’m done w s2 of the t100. bellamy brainrot grows everyday so be ready for that. and how are you? 🫶🫶

#fallingfavourites #en talks: brain dump

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nightingaelic · 3 years

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I have a real depressing request, companions react to the courier telling them that before all the Mojave nonsense they were a parent and for a very brief time a grandparent but now they’re neither

Go ahead make me cry

I'm not crying, you're crying 😭

"They would've loved this."

The words from the courier were soft, barely discernible under the strains of the guitar and harmonica that a pair of caravan drivers were serenading the city limit camps with. The fire was crackling merrily, adding its own light to the light spilling from the gates of Freeside, warm and inviting in a way that only a wood fire in October could look. The logs had come down with the caravan from Jacobstown, and this little concert and bonfire served as their own method of advertising to potential customers. It had certainly worked on the courier, who had edged closer to listen to the alluring sound of the music.

"My daughter," the courier clarified, when their companion looked at them questioningly. "And her little one, for what short time he had. That girl loved getting together with regular folk, sharing what food she could and singing away her worries as nights grew long. She had friends in every territory, every town, even more than me. Didn't matter where she went, she was always welcome."

Their voice cracked. "She was."

Arcade Gannon: Arcade had grown cold and still as soon as the courier had started talking, keenly aware that they were sharing something deep and dark about their own past. He stared into the fire after they had finished, unsure what to say. What to do.

"Did she know you cared about her?" he finally asked, hesitant.

The courier closed their eyes. "God, I hope so."

"Take some comfort in that." Arcade rubbed the back of his neck. "We don't get to choose when we leave this world, but no matter how we go, it's easier if we know we were loved."

Craig Boone: Behind his sunglasses, Boone squeezed his eyes shut, and as always, Carla was there. Slowly, reverently, he took off his beret.

"I know you lost someone, too," the courier said, noticing the movement. "Don't know who, and maybe it's none of my business, but I can see it in you plain as sand. The way you hold your jaw, your gun, your secrets... it's like seeing myself in a mirror."

They put a hand on his shoulder. In an uncharacteristic moment of understanding, Boone chose not to shrug it away.

Lily Bowen: For once, Lily had no words. She simply closed the dark distance and enveloped the courier in a hug. They hung onto her for dear life, shoulders shaking, and Lily looked up at the city-lit sky and felt their pain in her own heart.

"There there, dearie," she murmured as they cried themselves out. "You know they're never really gone from us."

Raul Alfonso Tejada: "Dios mio, mij@," Raul said mournfully. "You never said anything."

"What could I say?" the courier replied with a sad smile. "That I missed her like the coyote misses the moon? That every day I walk the desert, I see her en espejismos and the faces of strangers? That she was so much more than what I remember her to be? I couldn't capture her in a sentence, let alone the way I feel now she and hers are gone. I used to have a child. I used to have a grandchild. Now all I have are the words 'used to.'"

Raul thought for a moment. "No me atrevo a decir que entiendo tu dolor, pero te acompaño en el sentimiento. You have me, Six, whether you need me or not."

Rose of Sharon Cassidy: "Son of a bitch." Cass cast her eyes around for anything that might help her in this moment. "Six, you can't dump something like that on me when I'm unprepared. Let's get you to the nearest bar, drown the memory a bit."

"Doesn't work like that," the courier murmured. "It's a piece of me, missing. Big chunk, too. Closest I ever got to filling the space was after I took a bullet to the brain."

Cass sighed and pulled them to the outskirts of the camp. "Tell me."

"Tell you what?"

"Everything." Cass fumbled for her canteen and uncorked it before passing it over. "You got pieces missing, I got pieces missing. You helped me fill mine, now it's my turn. We're gonna sit here, drink the last of my whiskey, and share the pain."

Veronica Santangelo: Veronica sat in the yawning space of the courier's grief, taking in their painful silence. When she felt enough time had gone by, she put an arm around them. "What happened to them?"

The courier put their head in their hands, but they didn't pull away. "What always happens in the Mojave. The desert swallowed them up."

"Are you saying that because you don't know, or you do know but don't want to talk about it?"

"Does it matter?"

"Not really, I guess." Veronica squeezed them closer to her. "None of my business either way, I just... want to understand."

"Yeah." The courier let their hands fall away, let the flames of the fire dance in their eyes again. "Me too."

ED-E: ED-E beeped sadly and nudged the courier's shoulder. They patted his dome, their fingers making a dull sound against the rusted metal. "Ancient history, now, but it's still there in the back of my mind. That bullet of Benny's couldn't even take that from me."

Rex: The cyberdog, sensing its companion's grief, curled up around their feet protectively and nosed at their boots. He panted when they reached down to pet him and licked their hand affectionately.

"Good boy," they said sadly. "We can stay awhile, I suppose. To honor her."

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chibivesicle · 3 years

Text

Golden Kamuy - Kikuta really deserved better [part 2] 277-279.

Can you tell by my title that I’m a fan of Kikuta and I have some choice words for Noda? Chapter 277 starts out with an introduction to the regional politics of Meiji era Japan. The entire political shift occurred with the marriage of convenience between Choushuu and Satsuma (the Sat-Chou alliance) and how that is playing out in government and the military. With Hanazawa on the Satsuma side a commanding officer is having Tsurumi deal with the damage control. That being Lt. General Okuda (and Kikuta’s boss)

He discloses how he’s the person who helped to cover up the scandal for Hanazawa and more of the regional politics comes into play as he pulls Tsurumi into this.

Recall that Tsurumi is from Niigata and we know he is from a family that lost power and wealth due to political changes. He assumes that of course Tsurumi would hold a grudge towards those from the Sat-Chou alliance. Usami is also from a fallen samurai family in Niigata and we know that Ogata is from Ibaraki and also from a samurai family on the losing side. Tsukishima is from the island of Sado where unwanted people were dumped in Niigata so he is also an outsider. We learn of his ‘true’ feelings as the tells his core group his opinion on things.

I love how we get unhinged Tsurumi calling it all a farce and he’s over Central. But most importantly Okuda confirmed his own intel about the gold he learned while in Russia at some point in time. His gold plan can slowly move along. So Tsurumi becomes in the Hanazawa scandal cover up looking for the young 2nd Lt. and Kikuta, working under Okuda’s direct orders.

Despite his best efforts, Kikuta’s plan is revealed by a secretary at the Military Academy, while we know that Sugimoto and Kikuta are en route to the engagement dinner.

Hanazawa panics and sprints out to determine what is happening. Right on his tail is Tsurumi and his key team of Ogata, Tsukishima and Usami. Clearly this is going to become a huge mess. The next few pages are amusing, but really don’t add value to the plot. I am impressed that Kaeko has an excellent plot to get Sugimoto naked and I commend her efforts! GK is never short of strong female characters. Who enjoy sex.

This sets up a hilarious moment where he’s naked and trapped in a bedroom while she leverages the potential scandal to her advantage. By that point Tsurumi has caught up to them. What is most interesting is when Usami addresses Ogata as Hyakunnosuke and asks him what he thinks about meeting his brother. It is clear this isn’t out of concern from Usami’s part, we know he hates Ogata to his very core.

But as usual, Ogata doesn’t respond and we just see only a part of his eyes, not even a glance of his lips to give us an idea of what he’s thinking.

Kaeko and Sugimoto continue to talk as she reveals what she knows from Hanazawa Hiro. She had been a nurse during the first Sino-Japanese war so it has allowed her to reflect on the impact of war on individual soliders.

This tells us a few things; Hiro’s patriotism is more nuanced. If she were being selfish and just saying she doesn’t want her son to go off to war without experience it, that would be one thing. Instead, she knows being a military spouse first hand what happens - no one could say she didn’t do her own duty and go likely above and beyond. Ultimately, she wants to protect her son from her own experiences and observations and be a mother.

Sugimoto then realizes he needs to bail and leaves poor Kikuta confused. And then bam! The 27th is there.

Of course this leads to the most Sugimoto situation of all time! Tsurumi threatens Kaeko with his handgun and Ogata asks where Yuusaku is. Of course Sugimoto flies out of the bathroom naked sans Kikuta’s hat and Ogata is just amused beyond belief.

This would be complete if he were relaxed eating a box of popcorn or something like that. 278 continues this absolute chaos and lots of fan service for Miss Kaeko! I really don’t think the fight scene needs much meta. Ogata just finds it amusing (and btw sucks at hand to hand combat) while Usami rumbles with Sugimoto. Tsurumi realizes he’s not Yuusaku and Kikuta rushes in and gets shot in the shoulder by Tsukishima.

Somehow, Kikuta is able to get the rest of them to flee but not without running into the actual Hanazawa Yuusaku. Awkward. Tsurumi only then realizes that Kikuta was doing his job and they run out into the street.

Kaeko tries her best to convince Sugimoto to marry her. Granted he is a very heroic figure and he fought to protect her. However, reality wouldn’t allow that to happen and Sugimoto decides to join the army - thinking he won’t starve that way.

Kikuta looks so sad and disappointed when he hears this.

He’s definitely thinking of his younger brother who died b/c he told him to join the army with him. I loved the fact that we learn that Kaeko got to be a successful woman who was also compassionate to others.

There is a quick exchange that shows the first encounter between Ogata and Yuusaku. Yuusaku notices Ogata and salutes him as a cadet.

Ogata doesn’t even return the salute and he look he gives him out of the corner of his eyes. What is he thinking? I’d say Yuusaku doesn’t know who Ogata even is. But something has him very suspicious to be this leery of him. This also makes me think of this previous encounter between Koito and Ogata in chapter 200.

This time Ogata is bolder when he walks by Koito who is also currently still in the Army Academy. Except unlike Yuusaku who doesn’t seem to pick up on Ogata’s vibes, Koito does! And the two of them stare each other down. I think that this in part shows that Koito has more innate awareness of things and could be considered more of a ‘natural’ in the military. Which Yuusaku isn’t. We have no evidence Yuusaku has any sort of military talent or skills.

The chapter ends with Kikuta asking Sugimoto if he’s serious about joining the military and how he’s already fated to go to hell based on what he’s done in his life. 279 continues the conversation between Kikuta and Sugimoto and he flat out tells Sugimoto about how his brother died of illness in the army during the Sino-Japanese war.

Sugimoto then becomes Kikuta’s younger brother telling him that it is time to move on. This continues the trend in GK where a character that is speaking becomes someone else to the listener.

This is most evident with Asirpa when she becomes Yuusaku on more than one occasion to Ogata.

But this facial expression from Kikuta [sobs].

No wonder Kikuta worked so hard to save Ariko’s life! He can’t just always be responsible for the deaths of others.

Sugimoto convinces Kikuta that he’ll be alright in the army and he relents and lets him keep the cap. This shows that Kikuta has moved on from the death of his brother - a big deal! In an unusual way, Sugimoto has helped Kikuta move on and take the next step in the healing process. Kikuta reports to his commander in the 1st. Okuda wants him to keep an eye on Tsurumi. Obviously, he knows now that Tsurumi interfered with Kikuta’s plans for Hanazawa rather heavy-handedly so he would need someone else to balance it out.

It then reveals that Ogata is also working for Okuda in the 1st. This explains why when the two of them crossed paths in the brewery they did not engage but nor did they appear to exchange any information.

I can’t help but feel like something is still off with this. Ogata does have skills from working in intelligence with Tsurumi. He’s observant, makes himself invisible and can get others to talk easily. But Ogata being a 100% willing spy - it seems like he wants something else out of this. Kikuta’s character screams secret agent - but Ogata, he’s something else. I’m not sure if Ogata’s choice to be a spy on Tsurumi was a real choice.

When Ogata and Tsukishima had their shoot out in Yubari at Edogai’s, Tsukishima told him he was a pet cat for Central. Ogata replied that they were part of a rebel element. We know that Ogata was working with Tamai at the beginning of the manga. I struggle to see how Ogata has loyalty to anyone honestly. He seems to be moving throughout this game with again his own mysterious objective. Ogata is cynical and has no belief in the nation state nor does he harbor any sort of deep patriotism towards Imperial Japan.

Since Okuda is friends with Hanazawa and is based in Tokyo, he may have known Ogata since his birth and has kept tabs on him after the Ogata grandparents took him back to Ibaraki with his mom. Ogata’s existence might be a sort of trump card that Okuda is keeping . . . but others found out as well like Tsurumi. Did Okuda have Ogata tell or leak information that Ogata is Hanazawa’s first son? The chapter jumps to the 203 meter hill in the war and we see Yuusaku fallen on the battlefield. Ogata watches from distance, his face cut off while other members of the 27th run out to help Yuusaku.

This finally reveals Yuusaku’s eyes! Not the anticipated reveal - I kept thinking this was something that Ogata was going to see but it shows us clear eyes. Which look sort of similar to Asirpa’s eyes.

So many thoughts are jumping around in my brain about this reveal.

1.) These eyes are not the ‘trademark’ Hanazawa eyes. Dark black orbs with those eyebrows! This indicates his eyes aren’t from his father.

Seeing this, I can’t help but think that Yuusaku is not Hanazawa’s son. Instead, Hiro had an affair with someone else. A major theme in GK is that the children inherit the skills of their parents. Asirpa is able to do many things as she inherited the intelligence of Wilk. And that Ogata is the true inheritor of Hanazawa’s military skills.

Recall this from chapter 58. Ogata leads the crappy local gang against Hijikata and acts like a commander.

We know that Tsurumi’s lie about Ogata wanting to avenge Hanazawa is to keep Nikaido in the dark.

This would also explain why everything we learn about Yuusaku is terrible at military things. If he also isn’t Hanazawa’s son it would make it even more reason for Hiro to try to prevent him from entering the military since he’s not even genetically related to this great line of Hanazawas. I wish we knew more about the Ogata side of things - I think we’ll also learn that the Ogata side had competent military men on it as well. 2.) Yuusaku’s eyes are the same as Asirpa’s and indicate their sort of innocence. In this case, it would perfectly explain why Ogata sees Yuusaku instead of Asirpa when he has the fever and then the melt down on the ice floe. Yuusaku kept himself naive and innocent to meet his father’s expectations. A man who I don’t think is even his father at this moment. Therefore, Ogata’s guilt on killing Yuusaku is tied to his sort of innocence in these situations and why he can’t seem to shake his mental confusion when it comes to Asirpa. However, unlike Yuusaku, Asirpa has never forced herself on him to do things or guilt tripped him so it leaves things open for him to not link her to Yuusaku.

3.) Yuusaku was going to blow Ogata’s cover working for Okuda. Now that we know that Ogata was working for Okuda while in the 27th it means he’d have to keep his role quiet. If Yuusaku found out that Ogata was working for Okuda, I could see him going to Tsurumi and telling him this information. Therefore, to protect his status, Ogata used this as his rationale to kill Yuusaku on the battle field. I have never figured out if Ogata was nudged to kill Tsurumi by his ‘don’t kill him right now.’ comment as one of Tsurumi’s backwards motivations that lead Ogata to directly killing him. So many possibilities! I want more Ogata backstory dammit!

Anyhoo, to not make this meta super long let’s get back to the action. Asirpa begins working out how to try to break the code. Hijikata notes that Wilk could have used something other than kanji, since he’d know the Latin alphabet for Polish and Cyrillic for Russian. Shiraishi makes a clear point that this could be a message from Wilk towards her, though it feels like he’s channeling Kiro. Out of many of the Japanese characters Shiraishi time and time again comes out much more sympathetic to the minorities than others.

Asirpa begins to wonder how the coin is linked to the skins. She’s thinking things through and is on her way to solving the puzzle.

After saving Ariko, Kikuta is returning to Tsurumi’s group in the church. Oh Roger, this is why I love you so much.

Look at that smirk with a slightly watery eye. At the same time Tsurumi is also looking at the coin and realizes he’s figured it out.

Kikuta approaches the rest of the group and comments on if he’s found the location. Tsurumi states that things are just getting started. He casually pulls out his gun and fires two shots into Kikuta at point blank range.

And with this I am deeply saddened and shocked. How dare you do that to Kikuta!!! He was my Kiro replacement and now he’s also going to die.

First Boutarou died and now Kikuta. [cries]. We know that Tsurumi is a shinigami but this is just brutal. The bear death trio died early on in the manga. Ogata escaped. Kikuta now is the next link to Central that goes down.

#golden kamuy #Golden Kamuy manga #golden kamuy meta #warrant officer kikuta #sugimoto saichi #asirpa #tsurumi tokushirou #Usami Tokishige #Hanazawa Yuusaku #Hanazawa Hiro #hanazawakoujiro #koito otonoshin #okuda #ogata hyakunosuke #tsukishima hajime #wilk #hijikata toshizo #Kaneko Kaeko #okuda hidenobu

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reidology · 3 years

Text

Friend, please don't take your life away from me

Summary: The last thing Spencer was expecting to find when opening the victim’s bathroom cabinet was that familiar little brown bottle, a Dilaudid label stuck to it.

Pairing: Hotchreid

Word count: 1.6k

CW: implied/referenced past drug use, drug craving, hurt/comfort

AO3

Spencer had spent more time than he’d like to admit on kicking his heroin addiction. He put in countless hours into getting better, getting sober, because he knew he had to be there for his mother. And for his team. He couldn’t let himself deteriorate any further and let down the people he loves the most, they were his only family. It took a long time for the cravings to stop appearing at any minor inconvenience, even longer for the headaches to fade and the arm-scratching habit to cease. It’s been years since Hankel, and years since he last used, and he was incredibly proud of himself.

But goddamn did it take every single ounce of energy and willpower that Spencer had just to function every day. He was clean, but he’d always be scarred, and he’d feel that little sliver of temptation deep in the folds of his brain for the rest of his life. He’s taken every precaution possible since; limited painkillers, no narcotics, no alcohol, but most importantly, he flushed out every drop of Dilaudid he had down the toilet and never looked back. Needless to say, Spencer was prepared. He knew to just say no, to turn around and walk away.

The team had driven down to the suburbs to check out the current crime scene. The house was a two-story picture-perfect family home with a spacious backyard and vegetable garden. This was definitely somebody’s dream home. Upon arrival, each person split up to different areas of the house, Spencer took the master bedroom. He noticed the king size bed, the flowing flower-laden curtains, the dented bookshelves lining the walls, the empty spaces filled with tasteful artistic decor. Nothing seemed unusual or out of place, so he moved on to the en suite, the door closing softly behind him. He began searching the area for any clues. The bathtub was clean and empty, perfectly folded towels hung up on a hanger. The drawers held the standard married-couple bathroom products. The last thing Spencer was expecting to find when opening the victim’s bathroom cabinet was that familiar little brown bottle, a ‘Dilaudid’ label stuck to it.

He shocked himself when he realized that, instinctively, he’d started reaching for it, without even registering what the bottle was. He lowered his arm and stood there, unable to take his eyes off of the shelf. It seemed the vile was staring back, mocking him, innocently resting there. Oh, wouldn’t it be so easy to just… take it? To put it in his pocket and walk away. Who would know? Everyone, he thinks. They’ll all notice if I start using again, they know the signs to look for. But what does that matter? Here and now, what would be so wrong about taking it? He wouldn’t use it, he doesn’t even have a needle, he just wants to hold it…

A thumping sound coming from the bedroom shook Spencer from his daze. Blinking, he looked around the bathroom to remember what he was doing. He locked eyes with himself in the mirror, he looked pale, a deer-in-the-headlights expression written across his face. It was then that he noticed his hand was wrapped around the small bottle, resting at his side, gripping so tightly his knuckles turned white. Oh god. He felt terrified of himself, he didn’t know what he would do, couldn’t possibly predict what his next moves would be. Slowly, so agonizingly slowly, Spencer set the bottle down onto the edge of the sink, but didn’t let go. He was still holding on tightly, his other hand fisting the rim of the sink with just as much force. He was so close… could feel the liquid burning in his veins, could recall the scent of it, how good it felt… Stop it, he orders to himself, Let go and back away. Let go! Let go! Let me go! LET ME GO!

When his eyes opened once again his knees were on the floor, his breathing was labored and erratic. How did he get down here? When had his eyes closed? The tiles were cold and dirty, his cheeks wet with sweat and tears, his hair stuck to his forehead. And the bottle- the heroine was- still there. Cradled to his chest, wherein his head was also tucked. Rocking back and forth onto his heels, he thought, I can’t do this, I need someone.

“Hotch…”, he muttered lowly. One shallow breath, and he repeated, “Hotch.” “Hotch! Hotch!”, Spencer all but sobbed out, each inhale stuttering violently. “Hotch! Please! Please help me, Hotch, please…”

The bathroom door flew open and in pounced Hotch, aiming his gun, steady. “Reid?” He looked down to Spencer on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably and clutching something tightly to his chest.

“Reid, what’s wrong?”, he asked desperately as he crouched down to Spencer’s level, putting a hand on his shoulder in an attempt to steady him.

“Hey, shh... shh… it’s alright Spencer. What’s going on? Talk to me,” Now kneeling down in front of him, he wrapped one arm around the younger man’s shoulders.

Spencer continued to cry but he lifted his head up to look at Hotch. He shook his tightly coiled hands towards the other man and let out a broken “Help,” before leaning his forehead onto Aaron’s shoulder, “don’t let me take it.”

Hotch soothed his hands into Reid’s hair and shushed him comfortingly, “Okay, okay. Shhh it’s okay, you’re okay, Spence, I’m here to help you, you’re okay…”

Spencer was so wound up, stiff and erratic, his hold on the bottle was so tight, Aaron just needed him to calm down a little and relax his muscles so he could take away whatever was in his hands. It was so hard seeing his best friend like this. He’d never seen him in such a helpless state. Spencer had always appeared so strong around others, because it was the one thing that he was constantly underestimated for. No one expected Spencer Reid to be strong and resilient, to hold his own. But he’d proved them wrong time and time again, it never ceased to amaze Aaron. Even when Spencer was staring down the barrel of Hankel’s revolver, the man hadn’t shown any weakness. When Hankel pulled the trigger, the genius hadn’t even flinched, just maintained eye contact and said ‘Shoot’. But now here he was, a mess on the victim’s bathroom floor and all Aaron knew to do was hold him close until his sobs stopped and his breathing mellowed out.

After a few minutes of the older agent trying to comfort him by petting his hair and back, and whispering into his hair that he’ll be okay; Spencer’s body finally started to relax under Aaron’s. Aaron could begin to push apart Reid’s fingers. He pressed their foreheads together and took the younger’s soft hands into his own rough bigger ones. Aaron looked at Spencer’s closed eyes and caressed his smaller hands, loosening the tension little by little. When Spencer’s hands finally fell open onto his lap, Hotch moved in quickly to scoop up what was in them. He initially recognized the object as a pill bottle. He looked at the label and froze, his stomach dropped and his guts twisted.

Suddenly, he had to stand up. He needed to get this bottle far far away from his precious friend. Spencer remained motionless and exhausted on the floor, “Dump it out, in the sink”, he muttered, sounding so exhausted, resigned,

“Please Aaron just dump it out.”

Hotch’s expression didn’t give anything away, he knew he had to get this done for Reid, he could overthink this later. He headed to the sink and dumped out the bottle, then tossed the empty glass into the bathtub, shattering it. Making sure none of it could be used. He glanced back at Reid on the floor and immediately went to him, wrapped him up in his arms as tightly as possible. Spencer fell back into his chest and hugged back just as desperately, some tears coming back to dampen Aaron’s bulletproof vest.

“It was so easy, Hotch… It was so easy to just give in to temptation. Even after all these years, even after how hard I’ve worked, I still- I’m still an addict. I couldn’t control myself! I couldn’t control my body!” Spencer said cried into the man’s shoulder, hands fisted into his shirt.

“No, Reid, no,” Aaron whispered into Reid’s hair, “You’re so strong, that was so strong of you. You asked for help, thank you thank you thank you for that. I love you, Spence. I love you and I’m so proud of you...”

Reid tucked his head further into Aaron’s neck, hair tickling his chin. The older man took a deep breath in and brought his finger up to gently push the younger man’s hair out of his eyes.

“I’m proud of you,” he whispered tracing his finger down to Spencer’s chin and lifting his face up to look into his eyes. He leaned in and took Spencer’s lips into his own for a long, passionate kiss. Everything that needed to be said what said in that one endless moment. Spencer whimpered and pressed in closer, his tears smudging onto Aaron’s cheeks. They pulled away and Aaron took the younger’s face into his own hands, wiping away the tears, “I mean it,” he whispered into his lips, “I love you.”

Spencer looked up into his lover’s coffee yes and responds, “Thank you for helping me, Aaron, I love you too.” Aaron smiled down at the boy he loved and kissed him again. They remained there, on the cold bathroom tiles holding each other, for a while longer.

#tw: past drug use #aaron hotchner x spencer reid #aaron hotchner #aaron hotch hotchner #spencer reid fic #aaron hotchner fic #hotchreid #criminal minds fic #my fic

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myonechicagoworld · 3 years

Text

CHICAGO FIRE – LET HER GO (S01E23)

[TW: Blood]

Christopher Herrmann: We were scheduled to open our bar after

next shift. And in light of what happened,

we were gonna push it. But… me and

Dawson and Otis… We talked about it,

and instead, we’re gonna make it a

celebration of Hallie’s life. All the

proceeds for tonight will be donated in

her name to Children’s Memorial.

Thanks.

Chief Boden: Not an easy day. Not for any of us. Lieutenant Casey

is meeting with detectives from CPD. Arson

investigators are at the clinic right now. All we can do

for Matt is be there the best we can.

cutscene

[traffic]

[background chatter]

Matt Casey: Hey. Lieutenant Casey. I’m here to see Detective

Dawson.

Man 1 (Sergeant Pruitt): [laughs] We got a fireman in the house.

�� Look at him, well-rested and fed. Must be

nice being a fireman, washing fire trucks…

Detective (Julia Willhite): Sarge, Sarge. The DOA from the clinic

fire, Lieutenant Casey was her boyfriend.

Man 1 (Sergeant Pruitt): Ah. That’s my bad.

Detective (Julia Willhite): Detective Julie Willhite. Intelligence.

I’ll take you upstairs?

Matt Casey: All right, yeah.

Antonio Dawson: Those two guys we flipped had scrips all over

‘em.

I’m so sorry, man.

Matt Casey: Thanks. So, where are we at?

Hank Voight: I just got off the phone…

Matt Casey: I don’t deal with you. I deal with Antonio.

Antonio Dawson: ME report came in. Hallie was struck in the back

of the head and killed before the fire started.

Surveillance Tech: (over radio) Units in 21, foot man on Taylor

Street. Just confirmed sighting of your silver

Magnum. 1400 block of West Taylor.

Antonio Dawson: That’s the car that fled the clinic fire.

[sirens wailing]

Officer (Nicole Sermons): (over radio) This is 2121.

(into radio) Silver Magnum’s been

located going East on Taylor.

We’re not on Taylor.

Officer (Jim Barnes): I know.

[tires screeching]

[siren whoops]

[tires revving]

[horn honking]

Officer (Nicole Sermons): (into radio) Blocked on Racine. They

bailed out! We’re in pursuit.

Man 2: [grunts]

[dog barking]

Officer (Jim Barnes): [heavy breathing]

Man 2: Aah!

Officer (Jim Barnes): Seriously?

[tires screeching]

[horn honking]

[tires screeching]

[horn honking]

Man 3: [grunts]

Ahhh!

Officer (Nicole Sermons): Stay down!

Man 3: [groans and coughs]

Officer (Nicole Sermons): Aw, please.

[taser buzzes]

Man 3: [groans]

Officer (Nicole Sermons): [panting]

Officer (Jim Barnes): You good?

Man 3: [groans]

Officer (Nicole Sermons): [panting/out of breath]

[indistinct radio chatter]

[car doors shutting]

cutscene

Antonio Dawson: What do we got?

Officer (Nicole Sermons): A couple of oxy heads; a handful of

priors for armed robbery, mostly around

UIC. They’re saying they knew the car

was hot, but they bought it from a black

male for 500 and were gonna use it for a

couple days to do some stickups and

then dump it.

Man 3: [groaning]

Officer (Nicole Sermons): He resisted.

Man 3: She kicked me in the balls.

Antonio Dawson: Cry me a river!

Officer (Jim Barnes): They’re denying any involvement in the clinic.

There’s no arson or bodily harm on either of

their records.

Antonio Dawson: Who’s the brains of the outfit?

Officer (Jim Barnes): That guy.

Antonio Dawson: Bring him over here!

Who’d you buy the car from?

Man 2: Black dude named Shorty.

Hank Voight: Oh. Shorty.

Man 2: Shorty.

Antonio Dawson: Get him outta here.

Officer (Jim Barnes): Come on.

Detective (Julia Willhite): [exhales]

[knocking on body of car]

Detective (Julia Willhite): Looks like a lot of cars we’d find in

Narcotics. Generic dummy plates. A lot

of ‘em have traps built in to move the

dope and cash.

Okay.

There we go.

[sighs]

Matt Casey: So what does this mean? Who are we looking for?

Detective (Julia Willhite): Someone who was moving major

dope.

- title screen -

Leslie Shay: Hey. Hey.

Kelly Severide: Hey.

Leslie Shay: Um, on the heels of all this, I was thinking that, you

know, God forbids something were to happen to

either one of us, that maybe we should have

something written up legally in terms of who would

take care of the baby.

Kelly Severide: Absolutely.

Leslie Shay: And speaking of, we go in tomorrow.

Chief Boden: Casey’s heading back down to the fire scene with the

detectives.

Kelly Severide: I’m coming. And I’ll… I’ll be there.

Leslie Shay: Yeah.

cutscene

Gabby Dawson: That’s so nice of you. Thank you. Bye.

The Optical shop on the corner is gonna donate a

couple pairs of sunglasses to raffle off.

Otis Zvonecek: Great. As soon as Zoya starts, she can help go

collect all this stuff.

Christopher Herrmann: Who?

Otis Zvonecek: Uh, my cousin. From Russia? Zoya?

We talked about this.

Christopher Herrmann: When?

Otis Zvonecek: At the soft opening?

Christopher Herrmann: What? When I got like six beers in me?

Otis Zvonecek: Hey, you signed off, dude.

Christopher Herrmann: Do you know anything about this?

Gabby Dawson: First I’ve heard of it.

Otis Zvonecek: Okay, uh, she’s here on a six month work visa. But

apparently, the nanny job was killing her. She’s nice,

she’s cute, she’s got restaurant experience, and you

agreed to it.

Christopher Herrmann: What kind of restaurant?

Gabby Dawson: Who cares? It’s fine. She’s in. We got funds to

raise.

Christopher Herrmann: You guys are killing me.

Otis Zvonecek: Ah, you’ll love her.

cutscene

Arson Investigator: It’s what we know so far.

Chief Boden: Thank you very much.

Arson Investigator: Sure, Chief.

Kelly Severide: How you holdin’ up?

[indistinct radio chatter]

Matt Casey: Best I can.

Chief Boden: There’s no security video. Two of the cameras were

fake. The other had no database. Arson is saying it

don’t look like a break-in.

Detective (Julia Willhite): Same director of this clinic runs another

over on Wabash.

Hank Voight: Let’s take a look. Thanks, Chief.

Chief Boden: This is the ignition point.

Detective (Julia Willhite): Patient prescription records.

Matt Casey: Actually… Hallie… right before we went to lunch, she

was standing there looking at something and-and she

said, “that’s weird.” I just figured it was about billing or

something.

Dispatcher: (over radio) Main to Battalion 25, Truck 81, Squad 3,

and Ambulance 61, responding…

Chief Boden: No, no, no.

Dispatcher: (over radio)…to civilian in distress…[continues

indistinctly]

Chief Boden: Your head’s not in the game right now. I’ll cover for

you.

Detective (Julia Willhite): He can roll with us.

Chief Boden: (into radio) Battalion 25 en route.

Dispatcher: (over radio) Copy that, 25.

Hank Voight: Not a problem.

cutscene

[sirens wailing]

Delivery Man: I swear I heard screaming down there.

[running water splashing]

Victim 1: Help!

Kelly Severide: Get your lights!

[grunts]

Victim 1: Here!

Chief Boden: Voice came from over there. Watch yourself. Water’s

moving fast.

Kelly Severide: Chief, down there!

Victim 1: I don’t think I can hold on much longer!

Kelly Severide: Hang on. We’re gonna get you out.

Chief Boden: Get your webbing out. Secure it to this handle.

I’ll hold the line.

Victim 1: [cries]

Kelly Severide: Don’t let go.

[water splashing]

Chief Boden: Be careful. Watch that current.

Kelly Severide: I got you.

Victim 1: Can’t move!

Chief Boden: Talk to me, Kelly.

Kelly Severide: Chief! Both her feet are sucked into a drain.

Chief Boden: (into radio) We got one victim pinned in. I’m gonna

need rescue rope and scuba gear in the west end of

the tunnel right now.

Coming in.

Victim 1: Something’s cutting my leg [groans]

Kelly Severide: Chief. Suction’s trapping debris at her feet.

Chief Boden: I got her.

Kelly Severide: I gotta dive down, get you clear.

Victim 1: [whimpers] Please… please don’t let me die down here.

Please

Chief Boden: I got you.

Come on!

Victim 1: [cries]

Christopher Herrmann: They’re over here!

[coughing]

Kelly Severide: Got some clear, but I need more time.

Chief Boden: We don’t have it.

Harold Capp: Severide!

Chief Boden: We need the scuba gear over here now.

Firefighter: Here you go, Chief.

Kelly Severide: I got it! Get my mask!

Chief Boden: Hey, I’m gonna put this mask over your face. It’s

gonna help you breathe under the water.

Victim 1: [whimpers]

Christopher Herrmann: Wait right there, just hold still. You got air?

Chief Boden: Get it on… whoa, whoa, whoa!

Firefighter: She’s going under!

Can’t see her!

Christopher Herrmann: You got her, Chief?

Chief Boden: I got her. I got her.

Joe Cruz: The water level’s rising.

Kelly Severide: Hey, hey. I got the debris clear, but the suction’s

keeping her down. We need to pull her up.

Chief Boden: Get the webbing on now.

Christopher Herrmann: [starts indistinctly]… under her arm.

Kelly Severide: I need more light.

Christopher Herrmann: Severide, feed that under her arm.

Watch the mask… you got her, Chief?

Christopher Herrmann: She’s ready to go.

Kelly Severide: Easy, easy.

Christopher Herrmann: Grab the webbing! Hang on.

Chief Boden: Ready? One, two… pull!

Watch her head.

[overlapping yelling]

Kelly Severide: Grab her legs.

Christopher Herrmann: You got her?

Watch the tank.

Joe Cruz: I got it, Chief.

Victim 1: [coughs]

Christopher Herrmann: You okay, kid? Look at me. Sucking down

that river, huh?

Okay, we got you, girl. Let’s go!

You good, Chief?

Chief Boden: We’re good!

Kelly Severide: Nice work.

Chief Boden: Good job. Let’s get the hell out of here.

cutscene

Antonio Dawson: Do you recognise either one?

Man 4 (Steven Goody): I’ve never seen them before.

Antonio Dawson: Any problems with anyone at the clinic?

Man (Steven Goody): Not with our employees. Everybody works,

and volunteers are here because they care.

They-they wanna give back.

Antonio Dawson: Patients?

Man (Steven Goody): Let’s just say a few bad apples have walked

through that door.

Antonio Dawson: Anyone specifically?

Man (Steven Goody): Who might kill Hallie? Oh, I… I’m… I don’t

know.

Detective (Julia Willhite): Two of the security cameras were fake.

Man (Steven Goody): [sighs] I… I’m just trying to keep the doors

open. You know, it’s a lot of things I can’t

afford that I’d like to.

Detective (Julia Willhite): The fire was started near prescription

records. Our guess, someone tried to

cover up some impropriety. Those

scrips are for a hell of a lot of

Oxycontin.

Man (Steven Goody): For you, maybe. Not for someone in pain.

Antonio Dawson: Any problems with your prescription drugs? Any

missing inventory?

Man (Steven Goody): Not that I know of. We have a drug cage, and

there’s never been a problem.

Detective (Julia Willhite): Mr. Goody, we’re gonna need a list of

employees, patients…

Man (Steven Goody): And I’m gonna have to stop you right there.

We are dealing with protected health

information, uh, potential HIPAA violations,

insurance, liabilities, blah, blah, blah. It’s

gonna have to go through our legal

department.

Antonio Dawson: If your clinic was a pill mill and Hallie found out

about it and someone killed her to shut her up,

now, right now would be the time to tell us.

Man (Steven Goody): [scoffs] It-It’s not a pill mill.

[sighs] Okay, look. Um… there was this guy,

Jubal Bartlett. He was a drug dealer. His

girlfriend came in with a broken jaw. We

reported it to the police. He did not take it

kindly. He made threats.

Detective (Julia Willhite): We’ll be back.

cutscene

[TV announcer in background]

Otis Zvonecek: So, uh, Zoya, this is Herrmann and Dawson.

Christopher Herrmann: Nice to meet you.

Otis Zvonecek: Guys, this is Zoya.

Gabby Dawson: Hey, so nice to meet you.

Zoya: Hello.

[Herrmann & Zoya chuckles]

Christopher Herrmann: So Brian said that you’ve got some

restaurant experience.

Zoya: Thank you.

[speaking Russian]

Otis Zvonecek: Uh, um…

Otis Zvonecek & Zoya: [speaking Russian]

Otis Zvonecek: Uh, anyway, so I just wanna make some quick

introductions, and we will see you at the bar.

Gabby Dawson: Ooh.

Christopher Herrmann: We’ve got Yakov Smirnoff tending bar

now?

Gabby Dawson: Who’s that?

Otis Zvonecek: Um, so for the opening and the benefit, I’m pretty

sure she said she’s gonna bring a monkey

[chuckles]

Christopher Herrmann: A monkey?

Otis Zvonecek: Yep.

Gabby Dawson: Otis.

Otis Zvonecek: Look-look, it-it’s probably some sort of good luck

gesture or-or, you know, it has some sort of

cultural significance. What’s the worst that could

happen?

Gabby Dawson: Did you see the lady on Oprah who got her face

chewed off by a monkey?

Otis Zvonecek: I did see that. And if it looks like it could take us, I’ll

tell her to keep it in the car.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you [exhales]

cutscene

Antonio Dawson: I’ve got the word out to all my CIs. Nothing yet.

Detective (Julia Willhite): And none of the neighbours saw or heard

anything prior to the fire.

Antonio Dawson: Subpoena will get us employee and patient

records in a couple hours.

Hank Voight: What about the drug dealer the clinic director turned

us on to?

Antonio Dawson: Can’t find him.

Hank Voight: Can’t find him?

Antonio Dawson: Ran him through NCIC and the FBI to see if he

got pinched anywhere else.

Matt Casey: What’s this drug dealer’s name?

Hank Voight: Yeah, it’s probably best we don’t tell you. You know,

we don’t want you… doing something rash.

I understand that you and Hallie broke up before her

death. Is that right?

Matt Casey: For a few months… yeah.

Hank Voight: She see anyone in that gap?

Matt Casey: No one serious.

Hank Voight: Did she ever mention anyone that she felt

uncomfortable around? Was afraid of?

Matt Casey: Yeah. You.

Hank Voight: Lieutenant, I am sympathetic to what you’re going

through.

Matt Casey: I don’t believe that for a second.

Hank Voight: Fine. Don’t.

But I have allowed you to be here as a courtesy.

Matt Casey: Courtesy, from you? I don’t need it. I want you to find

out who killed my girl!

Antonio Dawson: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Matt Casey: All right?

Antonio Dawson: You gotta chill out, bro.

Matt Casey: Voight isn’t gonna lift a finger unless someone pays

him under the table.

Antonio Dawson: I got my eye on him, okay? He’s working the

case. Go back to the firehouse and cool off.

Matt Casey: No. I’m staying here.

Antonio Dawson: You’re not. Wait to hear from me.

Go on.

cutscene

Leslie Shay: Okay, there’s what would happen if both of us died…

Who would take care of the baby?

Kelly Severide: Yeah, we should figure that out.

Leslie Shay: Dawson, right?

Kelly Severide: Yeah.

Leslie Shay: Okay.

Kelly Severide: What is it?

Leslie Shay: I’m just excited.

Kelly Severide: Me too.

Leslie Shay: And part of me feels horrible ‘cause of what Casey’s

going through. Here I am with butterflies in my stomach

‘cause I’m getting ready to get pregnant, and… [sighs]

[alarm beeps & buzzes]

(Over PA): Ambulance 61. Gunshot victim.

Officer (Elam): Neighbours reported shots fired.

30-year-old female, single gunshot to the stomach.

Actually, that’s a guess. It’s hard to tell. There’s a lot

of blood.

Officer (Kevin Atwater): She was pumping out pretty good. I

applied pressure, but I don’t know what’s

going on.

Leslie Shay: It’s okay. I got it.

Not feeling anything.

[machine flatlines]

Gabby Dawson: She’s gone. I’m calling it.

(into radio) 61 to main, victim is DOA. We’re

delayed on scene while we document for CPD.

Leslie Shay: Dawson. She was a nurse at the clinic Hallie worked at.

cutscene

[indistinct radio chatter]

[car doors shut]

Gabby Dawson: Hey. What the hell’s going on?

Antonio Dawson: That’s what we’re trying to find out.

Gabby Dawson: How’s he been?

Antonio Dawson: Busy, like everybody on this case. I’ll get at you

later.

Hank Voight: Boo.

Detective (Julia Willhite): In on it?

Antonio Dawson: Or she found out who was.

Officer (Elam): Neighbour only heard the gunshot. No one on either

side saw anyone leave. But we can keep knocking

on doors.

Detective (Julia Willhite): Willhite.

Hank Voight: Do that.

Detective (Julia Willhite): Thanks.

The drug dealer, Jubal Bartlett? He’s

been locked up in Virginia Beach for the

past four days on a possession charge.

Hank Voight: I want that clinic director in the hot seat… now.

Antonio Dawson: I told his lawyer I was gonna issue an arrest

warrant for obstruction by the end of the week if

he didn’t get his client to honour the meet.

Hank Voight: Man, whoever did these two hits will be long gone by

the end of the week.

Antonio Dawson: This ain’t the Gang unit, Voight. Sarge. You can’t

do everything with a battering ram.

Hank Voight: The hell I can’t.

Antonio Dawson: Don’t worry. I got him handled.

Detective (Julia Willhite): I noticed.

cutscene

Leslie Shay: Oh my God.

Kelly Severide: What?

Leslie Shay: I just took this baby-proofing quiz. We live in a death

trap. Spiral staircase, upper floor apartment with

accessible balconies…

Kelly Severide: Are you giving birth tomorrow?

Listen, we have time to make any fixes we need.

Leslie Shay: We need a locked liquor cabinet. Remind me.

Kelly Severide: Okay.

Woman 1 (Nurse): Leslie Shay?

Leslie Shay: Hi.

Here we go.

All right.

[kissing sound]

Leslie Shay: Will you rub my belly for good luck?

Kelly Severide: [chuckles]

Leslie Shay: Just…

Kelly Severide: Relax.

Leslie Shay: All right.

Woman 1 (Nurse): You ready?

Leslie Shay: Yeah. Feeling fertile.

Woman 1 (Nurse): Feeling fertile. Okay. We’ll make sure of that.

Leslie Shay: Okay.

cutscene

Joe Cruz: A monkey?

Otis Zvonecek: Why is everybody acting like she said she’s gonna

bring a unicorn? Yes, a monkey.

Joe Cruz: Why?

Otis Zvonecek: Ask her when she gets here.

Gabby Dawson: Ask Otis to ask her. She doesn’t speak English.

Joe Cruz: Oh.

Otis Zvonecek: It’s serviceable.

Joe Cruz: [laughs]

Mouch: You gotta go White Sox.

Christopher Herrmann: No, I don’t wanna alienate half the

neighbourhood who are Cubs fans. We

gotta go with teams that we can all agree

on: The Bears, the Bulls and the

Blackhawks.

Mouch: And the fire?

Christopher Herrmann: The who?

Mouch: Soccer team. Chicago Fire.

Christopher Herrmann: Who knew?

Okay, sure, fine. Get a banner.

[chuckling]

[cell phone vibrates]

cutscene

Peter Mills: Hey. Thanks for coming.

Gabby Dawson: Of course.

Peter Mills: Um… I’ve been thinking about everything, you know?

And uh, I’m waiting for this… I guess anger to go away.

It’s not. And I’m not mad at you. But I do have to say I

wish you would’ve told me when you found out.

Gabby Dawson: Yeah, I know you do. All I can say is that I-I just felt

stuck ‘cause I didn’t wanna hurt you, and… and it

wasn’t my business.

Peter Mills: But it was your business. I was your boyfriend.

Gabby Dawson: Was?

Peter Mills: I think I need some time. Look, I respect you too much

to have you twisting in the wind, wondering where my

head’s at.

Gabby Dawson: Oh man… I mean [clears throat]

I knew this was a possibility if I told you, but…

Peter Mills: I still love you. I do. But this whole thing just… I guess

it’s just… a little deeper than I thought.

Gabby Dawson: Well you need to figure it out, Pete, one way or

another.

Peter Mills: I know.

Gabby Dawson: [sniffles] I gotta go.

Peter Mills: [sighs]

cutscene

Man 1 (Sergeant Pruitt): Uh oh, Voight’s here. Everybody hide your

wallets!

Hank Voight: Hey, what’s up, Pru?

Man 1 (Sergeant Pruitt): There it is. You gotta be the luckiest son of

a bitch I ever met. How do you walk

around all day with that horseshoe in your

ass?

Hank Voight: [laughs] Just living the dream.

Man 1 (Sergeant Pruitt): I guess you are.

Hank Voight: Yeah.

Man 1 (Sergeant Pruitt): [chuckles]

Hank Voight: Anything for me, man, in narcotics?

Man 1 (Sergeant Pruitt): [sighs] Nothing yet, man. We set a bunch

of controlled buys ups. But nothing, man.

Not even a vitamin. CIs have nothing

either. Don’t know what to tell you.

Hank Voight: Mm.

Antonio Dawson: Prints came back on that Magnum. Calvin

Jackson, goes by CJ. Extensive sheet for

dealing, including oxy.

Detective (Julia Willhite): We’re heading over to grab him up.

Hank Voight: No, no. I’ll take care of it. Great work.

[muffled rap music]

[indistinct chatter]

Man 5: [chuckles] I heard that.

[laughs] Yeah, you know it, man.

Look at this.

Hank Voight: What’s up, Mo?

Man 5 (Maurice Owens): I knew they couldn’t keep you down.

Hank Voight: Hey, man, not in this lifetime.

We got a little problem with your nephew CJ. We got

his prints on a car that booked it from that clinic fire a

few days back. Was he involved?

Man 5 (Maurice Owens): What if he was?

Hank Voight: I don’t like guessing games.

Man 5 (Maurice Owens): He was buying prescrips from some dude

who was working with a nurse inside and

the guy who ran the clinic. Next thing I

know, CJ comes back all tweaked. He

was at the clinic doing a pickup when the

place caught fire. So he bounced.

Hank Voight: The name of the dude.

Man 5 (Maurice Owens): CJ didn’t say, and I didn’t ask. He did say

that this guy ain’t right in the head. Like,

white-boy-serial-killer-crazy. Second

thing: he knows about me and you.

Hank Voight: And how would my name come up, Mo?

Man 5 (Maurice Owens): CJ told him you gave us protection. So if

you lock him up and he starts runnin’ his

trap, that ain’t good for any of us. You

know what I’m sayin’?

Hank Voight: You get CJ on the phone, and get me the name of that

guy.

Man 5 (Maurice Owens): Nah, CJ is gone. I told him to dump his

phone and clear out for a bit. You know

how I work. This is your problem now.

Five stacks. A little welcome back gift.

Antonio Dawson: [sighs]

cutscene

Leslie Shay: So you can start the college fund when, um, the baby’s

born. And it’s only like 5 dollars a month. Even if they

don’t go to college, they still get the money. So I’m not

quite sure why they call it a college fund. It’s… really,

it’s just a-a fund for when they turn 18. So… Are you

okay?

[laundry machine hums]

Gabby Dawson: Um… [sniffles]

Mills broke up with me.

Leslie Shay: Oh my God. Over the Boden thing?

Gabby Dawson: Yeah.

Leslie Shay: [sighs] What an idiot. I’m sorry, sweetie.

Gabby Dawson: [sniffles]

cutscene

[knocks on window]

Matt Casey: I was gonna call him, but then it felt like that was the

easy way out. So I drove over. And her parents were

having a dinner party. Hallie’s sister was there, her

kids, her parents’ friends, all of ‘em. It was the hardest

thing I’ve ever done in my life.

Kelly Severide: I’m so sorry, Matt.

Matt Casey: Yeah, I appreciate this.

[laughs] I needed it [sniffs]

Kelly Severide: You know, when Andy died… without even realising

it, I found myself needing to be around people

acting normal just to get my frame of reference

pull myself out of the hole I was in. So whenever

you wanna grab a smoke, or hit golf balls, or

whatever…

Chief Boden: Casey. Antonio and Detective Willhite are here for you.

Detective (Julia Willhite): We're waiting on the nurse's cell phone

records, fingerprints from her apartment.

Antonio Dawson: But we're not homicide, so we can be a little

more aggressive.

Matt Casey: Good.

Antonio Dawson: We cooked up something. You go in to the clinic

director. He knows you’re Hallie’s boyfriend,

right?

Matt Casey: Right.

Antonio Dawson: You tell him you were going through her

computer at home. She spelled out the whole

thing. She also mentioned the director was a

good guy and probably was forced into this.

Detective (Julia Willhite): And after that you don’t say a word,

‘cause he’ll either take the bait and

give us a name of his accomplice or

he won’t.

Antonio Dawson: We’ll be outside, so if anything goes sideways,

we’re right there.

Chief Boden: He’ll be wearing a wire?

Antonio Dawson: That’s right.

Chief Boden: How do we know this director isn’t the trigger man

and he pulls a gun?

Antonio Dawson: We wouldn’t be here if we thought that was a

valid scenario. But can we guarantee your

safety 100%? No.

Matt Casey: I don’t care, I’m in.

cutscene

[car door shuts]

Hank Voight: (into radio) All right, here we go. He’s walking into the

clinic.

Officer (Nicole Sermons): (into radio) This is Sermons. We’re

tucked away and standing by.

Hank Voight: [sighs]

[computer beeps]

Detective (Julia Willhite): Prints came back from the nurse’s

apartment. Timothy Campbell. Whoa.

Antonio Dawson: What?

Detective (Julia Willhite): Armed robbery, drug possession, assault

with a deadly weapon.

Matt Casey: How you doin’? I’d like to talk to Steven Goody?

Woman 2 (Receptionist): He’s in a meeting.

Matt Casey: You know when he’ll be out?

Woman 2 (Receptionist): I don’t.

[muffled male shouting]

Matt Casey: Mind if I wait until he’s done?

[gunshots]

[screaming]

Hank Voight: Go!

[siren wails]

[horns honking]

Antonio Dawson: Chicago Police! Get down!

[screaming]

Antonio Dawson: Move!

Man 6 (Timothy Campbell): [grunts]

Matt Casey: [groans]

[both men grunting]

Matt Casey: [groans]

Antonio Dawson: Casey!

[horn honking]

Antonio Dawson: Casey!

[horns honking]

[siren wails]

Antonio Dawson: Casey!

Officer (Jim Barnes): El platform.

[tires screeching]

Antonio Dawson: Police! Get down!

[screaming]

Antonio Dawson: Get down! Police!

[screaming]

Antonio Dawson: Police! Get down!

Casey!

[horns honking]

[tires screeching]

Detective (Julia Willhite): Clear, right.

[horns honking]

[overlap shouting]

[tires screeching]

Detective (Julia Willhite): Stay with it. Stay with it.

[horn honking]

Matt Casey: [grunts]

[siren wailing]

[siren whoops]

[gunshot]

[screaming]

Antonio Dawson: Freeze!

Let him go! Drop the gun, Campbell.

Man 6 (Timothy Campbell): I swear to God, I’ll blow his head off.

Antonio Dawson: Let him go.

Man 6 (Timothy Campbell): Put the gun on the ground.

Antonio Dawson: That ain’t happenin’.

Man 6 (Timothy Campbell): Put it on the ground!

Antonio Dawson: I’m not dropping my gun!

Here, look… Okay? Now you gotta do the same

for me.

Voight.

Man 6 (Timothy Campbell): Wait, you’re Voight? Thank God. Tell

them…

[gunshot]

Matt Casey: [coughing & gasping for air]

Hank Voight: (into radio) King 84-10, emergency.

Dispatcher: (over radio) King 84-10. Go with your emergency.

Hank Voight: (into radio) Shot fired by police. Roll an ambulance to

the El platform on Kinzie and Wells. Officer not hit.

Offender down. Gunshot wound to head.

Dispatcher: (over radio) Copy that, 84-10. Bus is on the way.

Antonio Dawson: Nice shot.

Gabby Dawson: And yep. He be dead.

Leslie Shay: We’ll hand it over to the ME.

Detective (Julia Willhite): Thanks.

Gabby Dawson: Any way you can get back into Vice?

Antonio Dawson: I would if I wanted to.

Officer (Nicole Sermons): You okay?

Matt Casey: Yeah, I’m okay. Thanks.

[sniffs]

cutscene

Leslie Shay: And check out those names on the sheet. See if you

like any of those.

Kelly Severide: Yeah.

Leslie Shay: Oh, I saw online that recording an agreement is also

beneficial. That way, if there’s ever a disagreement,

instead of looking at a bunch of words you can see

yourself talking to the present you and advising

yourself to behave rationally and fairly. So what do

you think? [clears throat]

Kelly Severide: Um… I think Molly’s is opening up tonight.

Leslie Shay: [laughs] Have a baby first, deal with this later?

Kelly Severide: Sounds good.

cutscene

Christopher Herrmann: Doors open in an hour. I think we got it all

covered, right?

Joe Cruz: You’re all set, man. The place looks great.

Zoya: [speaking Russian]

Otis Zvonecek: Monkey’s here.

Christopher Herrmann: Are we insured for this? I’m not even

joking.

Zoya: [speaking Russian]

Christopher Herrmann: That’s the Stanley Cup.

Otis Zvonecek: [speaking Russian]

[mimics monkey]

Zoya: [speaking Russian]

[laughs]

Otis Zvonecek & Zoya: [speaking Russian]

Otis Zvonecek: So I guess in Russian, chimpanzee and hockey

championship are this close phonetically [chuckles]

Christopher Herrmann: That’s the Stanley Cup.

cutscene

[car door shuts]

Woman 3: Hank.

Hank Voight: 5k. Guy’s name is Maurice Owens. Mid-level dealer.

It’s all in the report.

Woman 3: Strange bedfellows, huh?

This is a good start. Keep putting yourself out there as

dirty. Who knows what fish we’ll catch in the net, right?

Hank Voight: I want a receipt for the cash when you’re done with

your inventory.

Woman 3: You don’t trust me, Hank?

Hank Voight: I want it by tomorrow.

Woman 3: Keep in touch.

cutscene

[overlapping chatter]

[music]

[bottles/glasses clinking]

Mouch: Can I chug a beer out of it?

No you know what? I’m good, I’m good. Get in here.

[overlapping chatter]

Christopher Herrmann: [laughs]

Leslie Shay: Hey.

Matt Casey: Hey.

Leslie Shay: How you doing?

Matt Casey: How you doing?

Leslie Shay: I’m good.

Matt Casey: Hey.

Thanks for coming. You look great.

Girl (Sophie): Hi.

Matt Casey: How are you?

Girl (Sophie): Good.

Matt Casey: Good?

Girl (Sophie): Mmhmm.

Matt Casey: Gary, good to see you. Really.

Man 7 (Gary): Good to see you.

Matt Casey: How you doin’? Nice to see ya.

[chuckles] This the real thing?

Otis Zvonecek: Yeah.

Matt Casey: I, uh… [sniffs] one of our first dates was a…

Blackhawks-Devils game. When she told me she

knew what icing was, I knew I had a keeper.

[crowd chuckling]

Matt Casey: Yeah, this means a lot, guys…[sighs & sniffs]

And it means a lot to her, ‘cause I’m sure she’s looking

down.

To Hallie.

All: To Hallie.

[sombre music]

- end -

Definitions:

UIC = University of Illinois Chicago

Oxycontin = Brand name for a timed-release formula of oxycodone, a narcotic analgesic (medication that reduces pain). Oxycodone is an opioid medication and is highly addictive and commonly used recreationally by people who have an opioid use disorder

HIPAA = Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (1996) is a US federal statute enacted by the 104th US Congress and signed into law by President Bill Clinton. It is a federal law that required the creation of national standards to protect sensitive patient health information from being disclosed without the patient’s consent or knowledge

Yakov Smirnoff = Ukranian-American comedian, actor and writer

CIs = Criminal Informants

Subpoena = A writ ordering a person to attend a court

NCIC = National Crime Information Center (NCIC) is a computerised index of criminal justice information (i.e. criminal record history information, fugitives, stolen properties, missing persons)

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css1992 · 3 years

Text

Guilty Pleasure

[Porn AU]

Summary: Peter and Beck used to be a power couple in the porn industry, but after Beck dumps him, Peter is forced to start over. With no money, no family and nowhere to go, he doesn’t have much choice other than to keep doing porn, so he joins Just4Fans to get back on his feet and then one day he gets a very generous tip from someone under the username of YKWIM.

All the warnings listed on Part I apply.

Read on AO3

Part I / Part II / Part III / Part IV / Part V / Part VI / Part VII / Part VIII / Part IX / Part X / Part XI / Epilogue

-x-

What the fuck was he thinking?

That was the first thought in Peter’s mind when he opened his eyes the next morning and remembered what he had done the night before. Agreeing to meet with a subscriber, really, how dumb was that? It was one of those things he did before bed when his brain was too slow to make good decisions and then the next morning there were consequences. Consequences. Peter couldn’t deal with fucking consequences, he was still struggling with the fallout of his other terrible life choices.

I should cancel, he thought, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands, trying to wake himself up.

He should definitely cancel. Right. It was only reasonable. He could tell Tony he slept on it and realized it wasn’t such a good idea, after all. Or he could just say he was sick – for the foreseeable future. Or something. He would figure it out as he typed.

He sighed heavily and reached for his phone on the nightstand, pulling up his chat with Tony. He was going to call the whole thing off – he was! – but he made one crucial mistake. Before he started typing an excuse, he re-read the conversation from the night before. He didn’t understand why or how, but Tony’s words just – inebriated him, and by re-reading them, he was put under his spell all over again.

I need to see you, he said.

Not want. Not would like. Need. The word choice wasn’t lost on Peter, but he wondered if he was reading too much into it, if maybe Tony just said the first thing that came to mind without giving it much thought. But it couldn’t be casual, could it? Nobody would say they needed something casually.

Right?

He pictured the older man holding him close, whispering in his ear, “I need to see you”, until, somehow, in his imagination, words got lost somewhere and it became, “I need you”. Peter shivered just thinking about it. He was sure his voice would exude power and confidence, he just knew it, he wouldn’t be able to resist Tony’s commands, and yet–

Please.

He asked nicely. Peter was hyper-aware of the fact that the word “please” had an unreasonable and slightly concerning effect on him, he should probably talk to someone about that, but it just did. It fucking did. Tony could have demanded whatever he wanted – and embarrassingly, Peter would have probably said yes. He could have been an asshole about it, pushy, like some other people were, but no. He was…

I’ll treat you right.

Peter never stood a chance, he realized, sighing, letting his phone fall off his hand and onto the bed. That man knew exactly what he was doing, didn’t he? Peter wondered if he was that transparent, if anyone who talked to him for more than five minutes could see how needy he was, how badly he craved affection. If so, how embarrassing was that? A touch-starved porn star with feelings?

Ex-porn star, his brain supplied, and Peter rolled his eyes at himself. But still, technically, he was not a porn star anymore, he was more like… A model. A social media influencer? An adult entertainer. He could settle for that.

He picked his phone back up and looked at the chat, re-reading their conversation from the night before, over and over again. At least it didn’t seem like he thought Peter was a hooker – well, he hadn’t offered money, so Peter assumed he meant it as a casual meeting, not a business transaction. Nothing else has to happen, he promised. Nobody would ask a hooker out not expecting anything else to happen.

Right?

While he freaked out wondering what exactly he had gotten himself into, his phone beeped and vibrated in his hand, as he got a notification saying he had a text from an unknown number. He frowned, because not a lot of people had his number, but when he opened the text message, his heart dropped to his stomach.

“Hey, babe, it’s Quent. I saw you unblocked me on Instagram. Can we talk?”

He felt immediately dizzy, his vision blurred and his hands shook. His only reaction was to throw the phone as far away from him as he could, as if it was on fire. His throat closed up and breathing became harder, he thought he might suffocate, as he sat up on the bed and tried to take deep breaths. Deep breaths. Tried not to get lost in his –

“I can’t do this anymore, Pete,” was the first thing he said the minute the younger man walked out of the en suite bathroom, drying his hair with a towel.

“Do what?” He asked, confused, tilting his head to the side. He watched as Beck slowly got out of bed and walked to him. Peter noticed he wasn’t naked anymore, he had put on some pants and a t-shirt. He blinked a few times, trying to make sense of the situation.

“This. Us.” He gestured between them and Peter stared at him for a few seconds, as the words flew around in his head, refusing to provide any meaning. After a couple of minutes, he laughed weakly, even though his eyes burned and his chest felt crushed. Beck’s expression remained impassive.

“You’re joking, right?” Even as he asked that, he knew in his heart that he wasn’t. His face fell when Beck simply shook his head. “Quent… What...” He didn’t even know what to say, what to ask. He took a deep breath and ran his hands through his hair, trying to stop his eyes from watering, Beck hated it when he cried for no reason. “Listen, let’s just – let’s just talk about this, I’m sure–“

“There’s nothing to talk about, Peter, I’ve made up my mind. I’m sorry.” He took the two steps that separated them and ran a hand down the younger man’s wet cheek and Peter grasped it desperately, as if it could make him stay. “You’re immature, needy and quite frankly… a little boring for someone who gets fucked for a living.”

“I can do better, Quent, I can change, please don’t – don’t leave me,” he begged quietly, voice cracking, barely audible over the sound of his own sobs. Beck winced, pulling his hand away.“Don’t leave me, don’t leave me, please… Please, don’t leave me...” He shut his eyes tightly, trying to wake up from that nightmare. Just a few minutes earlier, everything was fine, they filmed a scene, Beck told him to get in the shower and the minute he walked back into the bedroom everything went to shit, how the fuck did that happen?

“This is exactly what I’m talking about, Peter. Look at you, listen to yourself right now. It’s… Pathetic.” He looked at him like he was the saddest sight he had ever seen, a mixture of pity and disgust, annoyance and impatience. Peter remembered a time when he looked at him like he was precious, like he was the most important person in the world… What went wrong? Where did he fuck up? How could he fix it?

“Quent, I-I – you’re all I–“

“That’s the problem, Pete,” he scoffed, shaking his head with an incredulous smile on his face. “I’m tired of being your everything, it’s exhausting. You’re exhausting.” He leaned against the wall next to the bedroom’s door, as Peter freaked out just a few feet away, thinking he was having an actual heart attack from how bad hearing that fucking hurt. “I don’t love you anymore.”

He was pulled from his memories when the doorbell rang and his heart jumped. Could it be him at the door? He couldn’t have found him, he had no idea where Ned and MJ lived – hell, he had no idea where Peter went, he didn’t even bother to ask. For all he knew, Peter could be living on the streets. He knew he had no money, no family, and he didn’t fucking care, he just fucking kicked him out, he barely gave him time to pack all of his things, his eyes were cold, arms crossed over his chest as he waited impatiently for Peter to leave. And he begged and kept begging, and–

Fuck, he was losing it. He was going back to that dark place he had barely crawled out from just weeks earlier.

He took a deep, calming breath and shook his head, trying to get his emotions under control. It was not Beck at the door. He had no way of finding him, and Peter knew he wouldn’t even try to. The only reason he had to contact him was probably a job. He knew a lot of people in the porn industry would still try to book him through Beck, since he was his agent for so long. That was obviously the reason he was trying to reach out. Money. As always. That was all.

So he took another deep breath and walked slowly to the front door. When he checked the peephole, Ned and MJ were casually standing outside, talking to each other like nothing was wrong in the world. He didn’t think twice and yanked the door open.

“Get dressed, loser, we’re going– what the fuck!?” MJ’s eyes almost jumped out of their sockets once she took a look at him. He knew he must look like garbage, he had no idea how he was even standing on his own two feet, he felt like his whole body was falling to pieces. He threw his arms around Ned, who was closest to him, and the older boy just pulled him close and let him bury his face in his neck, not missing a beat.

“Shh, it’s ok, buddy. Everything’s fine now.” He rubbed his back gently and Peter cried a little harder, a mixture of relief, sadness and regret filling his chest, leaving him confused and exhausted all at once. “Come on, let’s sit down for a minute. MJ, bring him some water, will you?” He pushed him lightly inside the apartment and directed him to the only piece of furniture in the living room, crouching down in front of him as MJ rummaged his tiny kitchen. “You ok, man?”

“I’m ok, I’m ok. It’s just… one of those days.” He forced a smile, trying to dry his face with the collar of his shirt. He didn’t want to tell them that Beck had tried to reach out, it would only cause them to worry unnecessarily. They were the ones who had convinced him to block his number, even if Peter insisted Beck would never call.

MJ hurried back from the kitchen and thrust a glass of water in his face, seeming a little nervous and completely out of her element. He realized that it was probably the first time they ever saw him in such bad shape, he didn’t have the energy to try to put up a strong front for them, which he always did, ever since he was a ten-year old boy. They had seen him cry before, of course, just probably not like that. Peter felt like shit and he knew he looked like it, too.

He drank the water that was offered to him just to have an excuse not to talk for a few seconds, as he tried to cool down and get himself back under control. MJ was fidgeting, standing beside Ned who was sitting on the floor, rubbing Peter’s knees comfortingly.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Ned asked, squeezing his leg, and he shook his head firmly.

“No, thanks. I’m fine, really. Did you have plans for today?” He looked at his friends and noticed they both had their jackets on and looked ready to go out. It was, after all, a sunny Saturday morning. “I’ll go get dressed right now.” He tried to get up from the armchair but MJ placed a hand on his shoulder.

“It’s okay, we can stay in, if you want.” She assured him, still looking a little freaked out, which was funny to watch. She was never very good at comforting people.

“No, that’s stupid, come on,” He got up, forcing Ned to do the same, and headed to the bedroom, but the older boy grabbed his arm before he could go too far.

“Don’t worry, c’mon, let’s go down to our apartment, at least we have a couch.”

Peter wanted to insist that he was okay to go out, but if he was honest with himself, he was... not okay. To do anything. And he didn’t want to be alone with his thoughts.

So he just nodded at his friends and followed them downstairs. Back at their place, he plopped down on the couch with MJ next to him, as Ned headed for the kitchen. He came back with ice cream and three spoons and Peter smiled weakly, appreciating the gesture.

“So… Bad day?” Ned asked sympathetically as Peter pretended to focus on the frozen desert.

“Bad day,” he answered, simply, with a small smile on his face, and his friend nodded in understanding.

“Did something happen or…?” He insisted and Peter stuffed his mouth with enough ice-cream to give himself a brain freeze, just so he could avoid talking for a while. He shrugged.

“No, just… Memories.”

“Of course,” MJ scoffed, as she stabbed the ice-cream with her spoon. “That asshole. I can’t believe he gets to be your first love. That fucking sucks.” Peter was sure MJ didn’t mean to make him feel bad – or rather, worse – but he hadn’t even thought about that yet. The fact that Beck was his first love. His first everything, really. Nothing could ever change that fact. He swallowed the lump in his throat with a spoonful of chocolate chip ice-cream. “Don’t worry, one day you’ll find a decent man who will show you what a healthy relationship looks like, you know. That perv deprived you of even that.” MJ shook her head and Peter sighed, wincing.

“I don’t think I can find a decent man, MJ,” he mumbled, looking down at the ice-cream pint. “I’m a certified whore now. Imagine Prince Charming googling my name and finding my gang bang video, or the fisting one.” He scoffed, shaking his head. He didn’t dare to look up at his friends, he played with the melting ice-cream and shrugged. “I’m sorry for the mental image.” His face was burning red, he hated to talk about his videos with them, but they needed a reality check. He was pretty sure they never watched the videos, so they had no idea how bad the situation was.

“Good thing you’re not looking for Prince Charming, then, Cinderella.” She rolled her eyes. “You need a man who understands that sex is just sex, it doesn’t matter how many people you slept with, or if it was filmed or not. Besides, it was just a fucking job, like any other, people use their bodies to work. Writers use their hands, waiters use their legs, you used your ass, so-fucking-what?” MJ argued and she genuinely seemed to believe her own words, which made Peter laugh a little and feel relieved that his friend didn’t think badly of him. That made one of them.

The thing was, it was a beautiful speech, big words, great ideas, but none of it meant anything because it wasn’t real. He believed MJ thought like that, but most people didn’t. Most people would look at him differently knowing he used to do porn and knowing that he still did solo stuff on Just4Fans. They would think it was fine to fantasize about him, it was fine to jerk off to him, maybe it would even be fine to have sex with him casually, but have a serious relationship with him? Probably not.

He must have been distracted for a while and jumped up a little when he felt Ned’s hand on his shoulder.

“Don’t be so hard on yourself, dude. Not everyone is that narrow-minded, you know. At the end of the day, it’s just porn. A lot of people do it, even more people watch it, it’s not that big of a deal.” Ned shrugged and Peter looked at him a little surprised. He didn’t look freaked out at all by what he said earlier, which – he didn’t think he would be rude or anything, he just didn’t expect him to be so cool about it.

He smiled at him and nodded.

Peter spent the rest of the day at their place and gradually started feeling a little more like himself, a little calmer. His head hurt from such a rough morning, but having his friends by his side helped a lot. They had pizza for lunch and binge watched a sitcom for seven hours straight, which helped keep all the intrusive thoughts at bay. Well, mostly.

When he got home that night, he picked up his phone that was still lying on the floor. The screen was cracked, but at least it was still working. He quickly blocked Beck’s Instagram and his new number before he could think twice about it, and only then did he notice there was a message from Tony waiting for him, from a few hours earlier.

“Hey, gorgeous. How’s your day? I couldn’t stop thinking about you. Can’t wait to see you.”

For some weird reason, reading that message soothed him. It should have freaked him out, sent him over the edge again, but it didn’t. He had forgotten all about the fact that he agreed to meet Tony, but he was glad he did. He felt exhausted from all the emotions he had to deal with all day long and he thought he didn’t want to do anything but sleep it off, but talking to Tony sounded like an even better idea somehow.

“Not so good, I’m a little tired, but I’ll survive. How was yours, daddy?”

He wasn’t surprised when he got an answer right away.

“I’m sorry to hear that, kitten. I’d give you a foot rub if I was there, would that help?” Peter couldn’t help but smile at that message, which was a little shocking to him, he thought he had lost the ability to do that hours ago.

“That would help a lot, daddy.” He sighed, rolling onto his side, burying himself under the covers. “I wish you were here.” He didn’t expect to mean it so much, not when he was talking to a virtual stranger, but Tony had such a weird effect on him when they talked. Peter felt like he knew him, like they were intimate, like he was safe. And none of that made any sense, but he couldn’t help it.

“I wish I were there, too. I’d take good care of you.” Fuck, and he kept saying those things. Those beautiful things that made his stomach turn and his head hurt and his heart go wild. He was so fucked. “Dinner’s still up? Does Thursday night work for you?”

“Thursday works fine. I’m just a little nervous.” He curled on his side, looking closely at the cracked screen. Immediately, Tony started typing an answer.

“Please don’t be, sweetheart, I promise you’ll have a good time. We’ll have a nice meal, some fine wine, a good talk. What’s not to like?” That was exactly what Peter thought the previous night, and it had made perfect sense in his head. When he woke up, though, it didn’t sound reasonable at all. And now there he was, hypnotized again by Tony’s charm.

“I don’t know.” He bit his lip, wondering if he should say what he wanted to say or if it would be weird.

“Then, please, don’t worry. You can leave at any second if you don’t feel comfortable.”

“Okay.” He replied, worrying his bottom lip, working up the nerve to say what was on his mind. “Look, you know I’m not, like… a prostitute, right? Nor an escort. I just post dirty pictures online, which might be misleading, but I’m not a sex worker. I hope you know that.” There, he said it. He held his breath as he waited for Tony’s answer, who kept typing for what felt like ages.

“To be completely honest, no, I was not sure, and I didn’t want to offend you by asking, but this changes nothing. I didn’t ask to meet you for that, I hope you know. I just really need to see you in person. I like talking to you here, but I’d love to hear your voice, see your smile, make you laugh. I promise I have no ulterior motives.”

“Oh, you’re good.” Peter joked lightly, because it seemed like Tony always knew what to say to wrap him around his little finger.

“I am, baby, I promise. You’ll see.”

He was pretty sure he had heard similar promises before, beautiful words without any meaning. Still, for some reason, it wasn’t hard to believe him.

-x-

Tag list (please let me know if you’d like to be added or removed from the list): @sadachmesarthim @iamnotparticularlyproud

#starker #peter parker x tony stark

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