#i feel like the nt rosetta stone sometimes

[operahousebookworm]

I've started and deleted like six dissertations in response to this, I swear...

Much ink has been spilled about the ways that "how are you" acts as a prelude to conversation, rather being part of the conversation itself. So when you reply with anything other than "(neutral-to-positive sentiment), how about you?" it throws people off not because they don't want to hear an "honest" answer, but because it breaks the pattern. They're called "pleasantries" for a reason.

But really, I think you're asking the wrong question. Rather than trying to gauge the other person's interest in your well-being, you need to ask yourself Is this the time and place to get into detail?

Let's say that you're at work, and you pass by your favorite person in the office as you're both on your way to separate meetings. You say, "How are you?" They reply, "Pretty terrible, actually."

Would you just say, "Cool, see you later"? Or would you want to stop and find out more of what's going on and see if you can provide any comfort or help?

I'm guessing it's probably the latter. You care about this person, after all. But there are gonna be other people around and your friend may not want those people to know the details of this. And you both have meetings to get to...

Remember that humans are pack animals. So when you tell someone--even a total stranger--that you're not okay, most people are naturally inclined to register that there's trouble in the pack and want to help fix it. It feels heartless just to say, "Good luck with that, I guess. Is this for here or to go?"

Let's avoid the common framing around this issue, which is whether or not to answer "honestly." (I have a whole separate rant about how it's dangerous to equate honesty with total unfiltered access to your brain, and also how the concept of masking as it's usually discussed is alienating bullshit. You can shapeshift as the situation requires and still be you.) Instead, you should base your answer around whether follow-up questions are a good thing or a bad thing right this second.

(The right this second part is important. You can always come back to this topic later in the same conversation! And if someone asks how you're doing after the pleasantries are out of the way, they're almost certainly seeking more detail.)

No Follow-ups Please

Purpose: Politely close the subject of your current status and put the conversation back in the other person's hands

Examples:

"Hanging in there, how about you?"

"I'm good [for the purposes of this conversation], you?"

"Same old same old, how about you?"

Reasons to use:

One of you is being paid to interact with the other

One or both of you is en route somewhere or in the middle of something

The entire interaction will ideally be over in two minutes or less

You might know their first name, probably do not know their last name, and almost certainly do not know any significant personal details

You aren't in the mood for conversation

You don't know, like, or trust this person enough to get into specifics

(These last two are important! "How are you?" is not a subpoena. Even if they're fishing for details and/or even if it's a close friend, you are allowed to be vague and deflect if you don't want to make it a full conversation.)

Follow-ups Welcome, but Not Necessary

Purpose: Give the other person the option to either pursue the topic of your current status or change the subject, without either option seeming rude

Examples:

"Just had a bunch of crap dumped on me, but I'm dealing. How about you?"

"Oh, family stuff, you know how it is. How are you?"

"I've been better. What about you?"

Reasons to use:

You're somewhere chummy but not fully social, like work or an organized activity group

You've got a few minutes to talk but might get interrupted

You definitely know their first name, probably know their last name, and might know some significant personal details

You have doubts that this is the right person or time for a potentially heavy conversation so you're testing the waters

You want to get to know this person better so are opening up a bit to level up the friendship

You want to provide an easy out if you might be misreading if this is a good time to talk

There are other people around and you don't want to take over the conversation/don't want them to be part of discussing this topic

Please Ask Follow-Ups

Purpose: Propose a deeper discussion, then PAUSE and give the other person a chance to react and respond. The pause is important because this is a two-way conversation and you still want to allow them an out if they really need it.

Examples:

"Oh my god, you won't believe the shit my mom just pulled."

"Welp, my car blew its tires on top of everything else, so that's great."

"Not gonna lie, I could really use a chance to vent."

Reasons to use:

You're in a private space, one-on-one or with only trusted friends

You're in an ongoing text-based discussion where venting is not against the rules

You know this person's first name, last name, immediate family tree, relationship status, and hobbies (and they know that you specifically know this, parasocial relationships don't qualify)

You've got at least 10-15 minutes clear to get into the details

You want advice from this person specifically

You've previously established with this person that they're cool with you skipping the pleasantries

They've asked how you are outside the structure of a ritual greeting

One last thing to remember: because "how are you" is generally understood to be a polite formality, people who want the details will specifically ask for them using other words! They will also often ask for specific information rather than a general statement.

Examples of that:

How are you holding up?

I haven't gotten to talk to you since the breakup. How have you been?

How have you been since the funeral?

How are you adjusting to the new place?

While it's still courteous to be wary of monologuing and time constraints, there's little danger of oversharing or getting too heavy here because the other person is using word choices that clearly convey they're prepared to hear about the Bad Thing and/or they already understand that things aren't great.

ok seriously though, how am i supposed to know if someone's genuinely asking how i'm doing or if they're just asking to be polite??