#emotionally distant

[angel-on-the-cutting-room-floor]

[otakubimbo]

Hey! Can I request for an angst romance with the very first sentence prompt with Satoru? They break up but Satoru refuses to believe that it actually happened and that it was only a joke. Like, he is in denial about it.

Hi anon! You're my first official request so thank you! I hope I did this prompt justice for you. My heart hurts.

angsty romance prompt. "tell me it was a lie, tell me you're playing with me right now "

Warnings: None really, just angst and no happy ending, which yes is so unlike me but we ball! I didn't proof read cause it made me sad writing it.

“Tell me it was a lie. Tell me you’re playing with me right now!” Satoru’s voice was at a higher level than it should being at this café. The people around pretending not to be easy dropping on the conversation that you and the man across form you were having.

master list

“Lower your voice, people are staring.” The hushed tone of your voice, attempting to not betray the facade you were putting on.  This wasn’t easy for you, breaking up with Satoru Gojo, if anything you were breaking your own heart.

“How do you expect me to react when my girlfriend brought me out to lunch to break up with me?!” His tone is harsh, in a way you have never heard before. You flinch at his abrasiveness, making him shrink back into his chair.

Satoru’s anger and disbelief confuse you. It was as if everyone saw the signs of this impending breakup but him. The relationship had been going downhill for some time now, how could he not see that? How could he not see what he was doing? How couldn’t he see what it was doing to you?

After a year and a half of dating, you told him, you told him you loved him and you meant it with every fiber of your soul. It had been six more months since then and he never said it back. You were understanding at first when he didn’t say it back, albeit hurt a little but you knew at least a little of his past and what he has gone through. You could understand that it may be hard for him to tell you he loved you, you knew he loved you because of the way he cared for you and that was enough.

Well, you thought it was enough. After your confession, Satoru didn’t immediately become distant, but it started with small things. He stopped texting you good morning and would only say good night. The small touches, the holding hands, and the comforting hugs became few and far between. Any time you brought it up, he would play it off like nothing was wrong, everything was fine. Then it became as if the two of you were barely even friends, it seemed he was always busy as if he never had time for you anymore. And it hurt, it hurt like hell and even then you kept pushing it off just hoping he would tell you what was going on behind those piercing blue eyes of his but he never did.

That’s what lead to today, the day of your 2 year anniversary. Truthfully, you hadn’t even planned on breaking up with him today but when you sat across from him in the same café that you had your first date at, his eyes never met yours. He didn’t hold your hand across the table, he didn’t kiss your forehead on his arrival, he wasn’t your Satoru.

You could feel the tears threatening to spill as you looked up at him, “Do you know what today is? Or why I asked you here”

His jaw tightened, “It’s Tuesday and I don’t know maybe because I’m your boyfriend and we go to this café a lot.”

Is this all a joke to you? Was he just a joke to you? He knows he hasn’t been the best boyfriend lately and that he’s been a bit distant but that wouldn’t make you break up with him. Would it? You were too kind, too patient, too pure for that, right?

“This is the café that we went to on our first date, two years ago.” You aren’t even facing him anymore when you say that, just reminiscing on a time when it felt as if you were just two kids in love. Satoru froze, not even realizing that he had forgotten. He had been trying so hard to keep you at an arm’s length after your confession that he had seemed to just push you away.  He didn’t even say anything as you turned to him, tears threatening to spill down your beautiful face at any single moment. What had he done?

“Do you even love me, Satoru?”

The question hung in the air, making his mouth go dry. He did, he loved you more than he should and that was the problem. His love for you scared him, you scared him. You didn’t know the power that you held over him; you made him weak. You were his weakness. But he was the strongest, he couldn’t afford a weakness, but he wasn’t strong enough to let you go either. Now here he was, unable to speak the words that have been written into his heart from the moment he saw you.

With a sad smile, you take his silence as your answer gathering your things and leaving you there. His heart shattered as he watched you leave out of the door, fading from his vision. Satoru’s worst fear came true, the strongest was defeated, the strongest was broken by you and it was all his own fault.

[misscaiacreates]

Avoidantly Attached: The Silent Struggle

I love you. I do. I'm just scared.

My eyes say "stay," but my heart's ensnared.

By shadows of a past that still whisper, "flee."

Your touch is a warmth I can't let be.

You call me your soulmate, but I can't take that now,

I need to heal, to cleanse, to figure out how.

To be the person you deserve, strong and whole,

Before we can truly join soul to soul.

Babe, I crave you, believe me, it's true,

But trauma's a wall that I've got to break through.

Flight mode's my default, my safety, my shield,

But for you, babe, I'm striving to heal.

Patience, my love, for the time that I need,

To untangle the chains of past sorrow and greed.

I'll run from our closeness, it's sad but it's true,

Yet know, in my heart, I'm running to you.

[senandikadini]

They are the same person in my book

[grungasgirlexistence]

I don’t feel happy but I don’t feel sad. Is this what it’s supposed to feel like? Am i supposed to feel like I’m on the verge of any emotion but not quite there? I guess I have to take them so I don’t really have a choice how it feels.

[xtrablak674]

Child Rearing

[Originally published on Livejournal July 18, 2002 at 07:45am, mildly edited for clarity]

Raising a child is not always about what you say, its in what you do. I think adults today are told what their childhood should or shouldn't have and don't realize the real blessings that were there.

My personal struggles with accepting aspects of my childhood had to do with trying very hard to see the "positive" things and not to dwell on the negative things, which I think is more human nature, we will always talk about what we didnt have and how fucked up we are because of it.

There were two main parts of childhood development for me, there was the time I spent with my mother and her raising me, and there was the time I spent, with my grandmother and her completion of raising me.

My mother dying at such a young age, has allowed me to crystallize the memories I have of her and thus place her on a very unrealistic pedestal of goddess-like behavior, which I know is ridiculous, but they are my memories, why shouldn't they be pleasant :)

My grandmother on the other end I had great struggles with and the fact that she raised me after alot of my identity was already formed, we had big struggles over who was running my life, spiritual and otherwise. Her issues with my sexuality blossoming only added fuel to this fire.

It took me a very long time to see that I held alot of resentment towards my grandmother for NOT being my mother, and she had issues seeing me as my own person and NOT my father. She struggled with wanting to do better with me then she felt that she had with my father, who didn't really seem to make much of himself, her disappointments there led her to greater lengths with me to make sure I would be "successful" in her eyes.

It took me a VERY long time to see that with "parenting" there is no guide that comes with the child, and that each "parent" struggles with the way that they were bought up to try to do different and better for their child. I know I am making a huge generalization here, and being more then gracious, because we know not all parents are this way.

When I thought about the struggle between me and my grandmother, I saw that she was doing the best that she could. She may not have been a cuddling, doting, cookie baking grandmother, but what she DID DO for me, is what meant alot, and THAT was her way of showing her love for me.

My grandmother got the dishonor of basically raising me thru the terrible teens which is a very difficult time for any parent, esp when dealing with raising your child's child, and dealing with the death of that child's parent. So my grandmother was not handed an easy task, by any means, as I said previously, I had developed alot of the basis of my personality by the time I was in her house, and I was VERY much my own person. I never had to deal with someone trying to control me, which was very new to me, i also had to deal with defining myself in a new environment, very unlike the one i was raised in.

After years in my adult life of struggling with my grandmother, I came to the awareness that she did do the best that she did, when i stopped focusing on my anger, and let myself self see her deeds, is when I realized, what a blessed existence she was trying to provide for me.

I travelled the world more extensively then anyone I knew by the age of 12. She enrolled me in a private school (that I rebelliously got kicked out of). She got me into a summer prep school program at a very prestigious private school. When I showed interest and talent in dancing, she enrolled me at Dance Theatre of Harlem, and drove me to my classes and picked me up. She did her best to purchase modern fashion from me at discount prices at the Macy's Discount Outlet. She tried to save my eternal soul thru constant church going (i am going to hell, directly) She nurtured my interest in singing (in the choir). She supported my pursing a career in acting and auditioning (if I pulled my grades up in Spanish, which I didn't). She tried to instill in me a sense of financial responsibility, thru buying me my first mountain bike and making me pay for it, thru my weekly allowance for over a year.

Now there were negative points also. I never felt she was as affectionate as I would have liked she was not like the "Electric Grandmother" from the television movie by any means. Her casual racism was an issue that revealed its self to me in very frustrating ways, but mind you this is a woman born in 1927 and raised in the South... Her religious zealousness, i could have really done without. Her very apparent homophobia, and heterosexism, were not favored with me also. Her trying to make up for what she feel she lacked in raising my father, was a huge constant frustration.

So ultimately what I wanted to say is as I get a glimpse of your childhood, the not so painful aspects, it doesnt seem as bad to me, as it may seem to you. I found that adjusting my expectations of my "parents" helped me alot in letting go of my anger, and allowing me to have some kind of relationship with my grandmother. I know your experience with your parents was of course different. But I think there is some value in the general theme of what I am saying here.

Our experiences make up a huge part of who we are, how much do we really want to change those experiences? And would we like that other person that would result from those changes?

[Afterwords: Well damn, I thought I wasn't going to respond to this well written and thought out piece from my twenty-something self. But then the second paragraph from the end it seemed I was directing this message to someone. I don't know who that someone is. I don't think my nephew MJ would have been quite old enough and wasting these kinds of words on my very clueless former siblings seems like a lesson in futility.

Its someone who still had both of their parents. I am coming up with nada. What is really nice to see is that I seriously made an attempt to be cool with SB and who she was even though who she was was basically a monster. She may have not been physically abusive but she loved to dabble in psychological abuse and manipulation and her continued misdeeds made a relationship with her untenable. I do love to see that I made a clear attempt and my efforts were thwarted by her continued bad behavior.]

[Photo by Brown Estate]

[everythingimnot]

if I don't get more attention I'm gonna have to make a clown out of myself again and that never works out in my favor

[faiell]

waiting for the dream to end

[otakubimbo]

The Rabbit and The Wolf

Are You Happy Now?

You thought you got your happily ever after?

MDNI. MATURE CONTENT.

Ch 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

master list

yes i am aware that i Perfume: The Story of a Murder my way through the Chunnin exams but like its fine <3

You remembered the smile that you had on your face as you walked back through the gates of the Hidden Leaf, something to you was funny recalling the feeling of the laughter in your chest. The kids get sent off to go home, having been part of a completed mission that they didn’t know was taking place. You and Kakashi giggling back and forth like teenagers as you go to report to the Hokage. The Third Hokages face was plastered in your mind as he interrupted you from giving your mission report, pausing in confusion at the interruption. His words starting with “your sister” and everything else sounding like static in your ears. Your sister. Your sister was dead. The only family you had left was dead. But she was doing so well before she died, the words fell from your lips with an unamused chuckle as you looked over her cold body. She couldn’t be dead; she was making a turn around. She couldn’t be dead.

The next thing you remember is sitting beside her husband, people walking up to the two of you to give their condolences. It was only the two of you, her husband, and her sister. Your eyes dead as you sat there, people saying how much they loved and appreciated your sister. The things she put in motion even while she was hospital ridden had people coming up to give their condolences. She was truly a saint until her last day. Her funeral passing through your eyes just like the time before you got there.

Now you were in your house, there was a knock on your door that you heard but couldn’t move to answer. A voice outside calling for you, the voice sounded concerned, worried even about your health and safety. But you couldn’t, you couldn’t move, you couldn’t answer the door for the concerned voice. You hadn’t even cried yet. The tears for your sister hadn’t even graced your water line. It was just emptiness at this point. She was the only family you had left and now she was gone. She was gone and you weren’t even there for her final moments. You can remember her husband talking to you, hugging you through the whole ordeal, visiting you even afterwards. The words that he said to you going through one ear and out the other. It wasn’t like you didn’t try to listen, but every sound was silent, it was as if you couldn’t hear anything but the voice in your head saying how she was gone.

You didn’t even know how long it had been. Your hands were placed in front of you, covered in blood. As you look around, you see the bodies, looking down to see yourself in your Anbu uniform. You were on a mission; you were killing but you don’t even remember. You don’t know how you got there; your brain has been on auto pilot for so long. Then it goes out again, the next thing to bring you back was Sasuke standing in front of you, he looked sad, he looked like his brother.

“I’m leaving to get stronger” his words hitting your ears as you just stare at him. You were sitting on your couch; he was in your house. There was no recollection of how he got in there or even how the conversation started but he was telling you that he was leaving. Your brain puts together the pieces, processing all the events that lead to the moment that he was in front of you. The empty shell that you had been, finally responded to something for once was an automatic response.

“Please don’t leave” your voice says in such a small whisper that you thought he didn’t hear you. But he paused at your front door, turning back to you realizing this is one of your few and far between conscious moments.

“I’m sorry.” was the last thing Sasuke said before he left your house.

In all that time, Kakashi was checking on you, of course but you just weren’t there. You were a husk of yourself, and it was as if you weren’t even a real person anymore. The Hokage still sent you on mission even with the concern that Kakashi had about your mental state. Your body moving on autopilot completely missions like the skilled ninja you were. Even as Kakashi worried about you, your only responses were how you were fine. There was nothing wrong with you. You were handling your sister’s passing just fine. There wasn’t anything wrong with how many missions you were taking. There wasn’t an issue with how you were pushing yourself. Your lack of concern for Sasuke didn’t really bother anyone that you knew about. Everything was regular in your mind. There was nothing to worry about. You were fine. You were fine. Yet, Kakashi’s concern for you grew and grew. It was worse than when the situation between the two of you happened. It was even worse than what your father did when your mother died. He could see that you weren’t really eating, he could tell that you weren’t sleeping. All you knew was to complete missions and then get the next one. The issue with Orochimaru and the Akatsuki coming to the forefront taking you away for spy detail that kept your mind off of anything else.

It wasn’t until you came back from a mission, in your mind thinking that everything was good and fine, that you collapsed at the gate. Your body having been through so much with no rest, no nourishment. It was driving on just your willpower and it finally gave out. Two and a half years, you kept going like that for two and a half years and finally your body just gave out. Of course, the intel you received on your mission was imperative, so your hospital room was monitored at all times. You were the Hidden Leaf’s finest, a machine that didn’t need anything but a new mission. Everyone knew that the Third was taking advantage of your grief, but you didn’t allow anyone to stop you. Every intervention brushed off without a second thought. Again, claiming that you were fine with the weight of losing your sister and Sasuke leaving in the back of your mind. You had pushed and pushed and pushed through until your body and mind couldn’t take anymore and you just collapsed.

As you sit in your hospital room, ninja placed outside your door to keep you in, the intel you had already discussed to another Anbu to relay to the Hokage your mind starts to wander on being there. The hospital reminded you of your sister, but you weren’t trying to think of that. The only thing you wanted was to get out of there, but you knew you wouldn’t be able to leave until they cleared you, they would track you down before they let you on another mission without clearance. Your back was turned to the door as you stared out the small window that didn’t hold much of a view. You had decided to just take a nap until you heard a voice.

“You know, you’re more dramatic than your father. But at the very least you’re still here so maybe you can pay me the money he owed me.”

taglist: @smarsd @ferretsqueen @yellowflashof-theleaf

[amilynh]

This is exactly my read on this as well. She didn't say she never wanted or hadn't wanted kids: she DODGED the rest of the question. What she said was entirely true about how she **got Noah**, and it left out all the previous thoughts about, attempts at adopting, becoming a foster parent...she left all that out.

As she does about personal and emotional stuff that feels vulnerable to her.

I don't think Liv saying she wasn't always sure she wanted kids is at odds with what we know about her. It wasn't her saying she never wanted kids, and it meshes with what we do know - that she wanted a family but was afraid of her genetics, afraid she wasn't good enough, that she didn't get serious about having a child until s9 (when she's what like 40? Almost?) and was immediately shut down and by the time Noah turns up she's pretty much entirely given up on that dream and let it go. She's not gonna say all that to these two women she's still just getting to know and who technically work for her; saying she wasn't always sure is a gentle way to express a lifetime of struggle and disappointment and loneliness without making herself too vulnerable. And what does Olivia hate the most? Being vulnerable thank you for coming to my TED talk

[specshroom]

I want to smother him.

I want to be clingy and overbearing with him but only in private, like the personal solitude of his room.

I want to cling to him as he lays in bed, trying to do something else like read or play a game.

I want to mold myself into his side, kissing his neck, stroking his chest, rubbing my legs against his.

I want to distract him with my affection. I want him to become flustered at the stark contrast between public and private affection and how he's the only one who knows there is a difference in the first place.

When I tease him about being flustered and he tries to push me away with his hand out of embarrassment, I want to grab it and kiss his fingers all the way down his arm.

I want him to give in despite being embarrassed. I want to kiss all over his face as he huffs in defeat after the rather pathetic attempt at a struggle.

I want to mumble a little "I love you s'much" into his warm cheek as the skin heats up even more at the confession and my lips on his skin.

I want him to have an internal struggle, trying to man up and say it back. Only to weakly mumble out, "Whatever." as he places his hand over his bright red face.

[xtrablak674]

The Breakthrough

[Originally posted on my Blogspot on Wednesday, December 17th at 10:35am, posted without any edits.]

After a long phone call with my Aunt Mary and confirmation with Paul, I have come to a breakthrough about my relationship with my grandmother. I just begin to understand that my grandmother superficially did all the right things as a parental figure, but was severely lacking in intimacy. So lacking that during the seven years I lived with her after my mother died I never felt like her home was my home, but that I was a guest in her house. I don't mean this in a nasty or negative way, this was/is how I truly felt. I never truly felt welcomed there.

So it makes so much sense that even though I know the tasks of being a dutiful grandson, I never felt the inclination toward those duties due to my feeling uncomfortable at my grandparents house. This dynamic primarily centered around my grandmother who dominated the relationship between my grandparents. My grandfather always receding to the background, I have never truly got to know the man.

My Aunt Mary had called to report on my grandfather's health issues and to inquire about the last time I had called my grandparents. I was very candid with her that with my grandmother's past behavior that had really debilitated an already tentative relationship, I didn't feel the need to interact with her other in the most passing polite fashion. I was also clear with my Aunt Mary that calling their house was in essence calling "her" house because if "she" was home even if my grandfather answered the phone he would subsequently hand the phone to her. Something that for years irked me especially if we were in mid-conversation, but I realize that he just defers to her. Which does nothing but keep the distance between me and him, and puts the focus on my interaction with her, which especially after the incident is stilted, tense and uncomfortable.

I let my Aunt Mary know that after I left her house at 17/18 I never looked back, never asked her for any kind of financial support of any sort. I did request the bonds my mother had left me, but that was money from my mother, not her. I explained to my Aunt Mary how deeply hurt I was by her statement around the selling of the land issues when she threatened to "write me out of her will". I was insulted by the gesture, because I have never asked for a dime. I didn't even request to go live with her, that was my mother's wishes. And as soon as I made my own money I never looked back.

I concurred with my Aunt that they are not getting any younger, and I was very disappointed that my grandmother chose the route of rudeness, nastiness and disrespect as opposed to respecting the sacristy of our hard worked on relationship. But she made a choice and I know she is not at the age where she is changing and my Aunt agrees she will never admit to any wrong. I am not a child living in her house. I am an adult and I choose the relationships I will have. If the relationship is not one that is mutually beneficially, I frankly can do with out.

[Photo by Brown Estate]

[sword-wielding-sapphic]

every other crime fiction author looked at Sherlock Holmes and said "hmm, he never shows any interest in women and he hates small talk, this must be because he is incredibly psychologically disturbed due to some dark backstory. we should make this the standard for detective characters going forward"

my brother in christ, have you considered that maybe he's just gay and autistic?

[fkevin073]

Coriolanus Snow & Lucy Gray Baird + Space in THE BALLAD OF SONGBIRDS AND SNAKES

[alaskan-wallflower]

oh btw pony isn’t just grieving the loss of his parents, he’s grieving the loss of his big brother too, his big brother being replaced by a constantly stressed, overworked, emotionally distant guardian who pony can hardly recognize as his big brother anymore.

yet, there are occasional nights where darry will sneak into pony’s room and hold him again, just like old times. there are times where darry will wipe his tears and pick him up. there are times where darry will take pony on late night drives and just talk to him about school, but there are parts of darry that have been killed in that car accident that can never be revived. and to a fourteen year old kid, his whole world went along with it.

[lucaanis]

『🗡️』 -> "Don't let him scold you too much. Vi was worried about you."