#emotional permanence

[clusterblood]

having personality disorders is sooo funny couse if I have at least two hours of feeling great, I forget I have em

[elainiisms]

[commonzinnia]

AAAAAAAAAAA i am cursed with the ability to!! remember!!!! why is it always the negative shit?? i cant remember being happy when im not happy. emotional permanence??? hello???? do i have none of that? zero?? zilch??? nothing???? :(((

[a-sip-of-milo]

Me: *Has had a great week*

The world: *Offers one minor inconvenience*

Me: This has been such a shit week

[caeneusbringmehope]

my emotional impermanance isn't built for long distance. pay attention to me please please please please please

[hauntedselves]

hey ! do you have anything on emotional permanence in bpd ? esp in relation to other people

emotional permanence (things like not being able to remember feeling loved even though you were happily cuddling your partner an hour ago, or being angry and feeling like no other emotion exists apart from anger) is very common in BPD (and other PDs). it's why we split - it's the whole mechanism behind splitting, actually. emotions seem to only exist in the time that we're feeling them. relationships are only secure (the borderline only feels secure) when we're actively being reassured of its security. if you and your friend are fighting, you can't recall ever feeling loved and wanted by your friend and they must only hate you. cue splitting!

ways to deal with emotional permanence:

keep physical reminders of your friends' & family's love for you (photos of a trip you took together, a birthday present, etc)

keep nice texts and voice messages sent to you

come up with a list of reasons why they love you (all the nice things they do for you, etc)

practice dialectical thinking (x and y can both be true at the same time; e.g. you can be angry at yourself and love yourself at the same time)

practice other DBT skills like wise mind (keeping a balance between your emotional mind and your rational mind)

keep a diary or mood tracker - this way you can see when you've felt other emotions and remind yourself that other emotions do exist and you do experience them (good or bad)

schedule times frequently (how frequent is up to you) to keep in contact with loved ones so you have periodic reminders of their love

(emotional permanence doesn't just apply to relationships, and not just romantic relationships (therapeutic relationships are a big one), and it's not just BPD that experiences it - it's also a part of dissociative disorders, (C)PTSD, ADHD, and probably any other disorder that comes with emotional dysregulation and interpersonal difficulties)

[angria]

Wish T would send me something. Just a text that he hopes I’m doing okay, that he knows this is hard. Or even just one of our fist bump emojis.

Feel selfish. One more week…

[sadieshavingsex]

Holy shit I’m tired. I’m so codependent and I struggle with emotional permanence and the whole nine yards. I’m arguing a lot with my partner lately and it just sucks. Sometimes I wonder if I have bpd or ocd or you name it but then I remember that trauma often just shows up in all these funky ways that don’t fit neatly into the box of any other number of mental illnesses. I’m fucking traumatized and every damn day I have to deal with these feelings. I just hate it. The emotional ups and downs are killer. They’re just stupid. I want to feel okay and operate like a normal human being and have stable moods and understand love and all this shit. Fuck I’m tired and pissed. Fuck.

[rosesandthorns44]

BPD brain has chilled the fuck out a bit now that I have got justice for the workplace discrimination I faced for my debilitating sleep disorder.

I've stopped with the impulsive, out of character bullshit. I'm not filled with a boiling inner rage that I wanted to take out on myself (but mostly didn't).

BPD brain is, however, still fixated on the guy I have a crush on because he lives out of state, and emotional permanence is something I struggle with. Also, he's going through a hard time right now, and not being able to see him in person to make sure he's okay is hard.

[tosin-talks]

Tosin Talks about residual symptoms of BPD

I haven’t really directly talked about symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder on my blog because I haven’t felt ready to discuss the real horrors of the disorder; I wasn’t even sure where to start and how to talk about my story. Additionally, I just haven’t been as affected by my symptoms as I used to be. For years, I have been working hard to recover from the diagnosis that I received in 2018 and undiagnosed symptoms that I experienced before then. Recovery is possible and I believe I’ve survived some of the worst parts of the disorder but BPD is a mental illness that greatly impacts one’s thought processes and perception of the world so I still experience the long-term effects of it.

I haven’t had a typical “BPD episode” in about 3-4 months. I don’t think I’ve self-harmed in about 6-7 months and I don't have constant urges to do so either. My reactions and responses are a lot less intense these days which probably means that my mental health has improved. Now that the life-threatening and extremely destructive symptoms aren’t a main issue, I am working on my issues with emotional impermanence, interpersonal relationships, splitting, and chronic emptiness.

I still struggle with the well known BPD concept of a “favorite person”, especially since a long-term relationship recently ended. I try to be cognizant of when I may unconsciously make someone else my new favorite person but it can be difficult to notice since my symptoms aren’t that intense anymore. Now that I process and evaluate my feelings towards someone, it’s not as easy to realize if I just really like and admire them or I’m idealizing them. The downside to when I realize that I might have idealized someone that I’m close to is the devaluation and emptiness that follows. The shift isn’t as grandiose as it used to be and rather than switching from black to white, I move between dark grey and light grey. I’ve been working really hard on not letting others’ thoughts, opinions, and worldviews become my own or heavily impact the way I perceive myself. I used to shapeshift to become whoever I assumed my favorite person wanted me to be. Now, I’m discovering my true self and learning to love her and choose her every time.

I definitely still experience mood swings but the highs and lows aren’t very high or low and they mostly occur on or around my period. Something that’s frustrating to still experience is emotional impermanence. I wish I had a better hold on an emotion and did a better job of remembering that a certain emotion will return. Another symptom that I still occasionally experience is chronic emptiness. I feel what Charles Baudelaire called “ennui”. I feel extremely detached and like I’m watching myself live this silly game of mundanity. I feel disconnected from the city I live in and some of the people I interact with and have little hope of this issue improving. I haven’t yet discovered what triggers my feelings of numbness and emptiness, it’s almost like I’m splitting on life itself. However, I’ve been combatting the emptiness by creating and stimulating my mind. I’ve been reading, learning new things, and writing a lot more.

Sometimes I get disappointed in myself for still experiencing minor symptoms. I understand that BPD can be a lifelong journey even if/when I no longer meet diagnosing criteria but I am fearful that I may never have a healthy, happy, long-term partnership or have my emotions completely in check or feel at home anywhere that I move to. I’m learning to give myself the same grace that I would give a future client or my younger self. I’ve come so far, my progress is definitely observable and I can acknowledge my effort and the results of that hard work. I’m not expected to completely rid myself of over a decade of mental health challenges in just a day. If I’m being honest, I didn’t expect myself to even live this long so I’m simply proud to be alive and sharing my story with you all. 

If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide or emotional distress, dial 988 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline or text “HELLO” to 741741 for the Crisis Text Line. For more education, advocacy, and support about BPD, visit the National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder (neabpd.org) and the National Alliance on Mental Illness (nami.org).

Background music by Mist3r

[b0rderlinecompulsivenervosa]

[aerisfelidae]

I am so bad at interacting with people on the internet

I'll be burnt out or busy or something and just... forget that I exist to people when I'm offline? And then I come back and see all the missed messages and notifications that I've been "ignoring" and its like-

. "...oh no, it's again"

[therapythoughtstogether]

This is a good reminder!

A lack of emotional permanence can make darker emotions feel much worse than they are. Being sad becomes “the saddest I have ever been,” as one example. It can be hard to remember, but try to remind yourself that this probably isn’t true - it’s your lack of emotional permanence talking. And even though it feels like this is the only thing you have ever felt or ever will feel again - it will actually change. It has in the past, and it will again.

[hereticallyeverafter]

Any time I look up emotional permanence, it seems to be linked with BPD, with C/PTSD followed close behind. I have the latter as well at ADHD so one of the layers of hell in my brain seems to be exclusively dedicated to replaying the worst shit over and over, trying to parse out... something :)

[eepy-gato]

i can’t stop crying, i want to make everything i feel to seize

i’m just gon resort to taking sleeping pills and knock myself out for the weekend, existing is too overwhelming,

i’m too much for myself and i can’t get away

[angria]

Session was mostly filling in T about the ricocheting chaos of this past week.

But, we did spend some time on what came up when I had to cancel check-in. T chuckled and said, "I told you years ago you will reach a point when you can't do check-in because you are with your honey." He did respond to what I wrote in my diary cards about feeling like he isn't taking my dysregulation seriously and that it feels invalidating when he says I won't "wither away" without check-in. Logically, yes I get it. But, it doesn't take away from still getting dysregulated. T said he may say that, but he still takes the dysregulation seriously. At the same time, he wants me to understand my life isn't just therapy.

He likened it to training wheels. There will come a time when I may not feel I need check-in. That it won't feel like "less than." Because I will have more permanence and faith in my attachment to him. Of course, my mind immediately went to sabotage. I want to go back. I want to go back to crisis after crisis, inpatients and partials and groups. It's too scary to think of being less dependent or whatever you want to call it.

I'm trying not to feed into the sabotage. Yet, at the same time, I want to go back. Regardless of how painful it was.