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rainbow-universe · 3 months ago

Text

dragging 'round a body (dead weight)

Attempted bottom surgery turns into secret relationship reveal? Click below for more!! Criminal Minds x DC Crossover Week Day 6 - Saturday, February 8th & Day 5- Friday, February 7th Day 5: Soulmate AU || Secret Relationship*** || Identity Porn/Reveal || “It’s actually safer to kiss.” Day 6: Lazarus Pits || BAU vs. the League of Assassins || Unexpected Allies || “Give a man a mask and he will show his true face." ***This can be romantic, platonic, or familial! The world is your oyster, be free! part of @criminalmindsxdc 's CM x DC crossover week!!

so this was inspired by one of Taxi's AITAH fics about the Lazarus Pit giving trans!Jason a dick and trans!Tim wanting one too, and an orphan_account's fic about Tim and Jason faking a relationship as their alibi for killing the joker (they did kill the joker but that's not the point) (both linked on the ao3 fic)

i had so much fun writing this one and it was also very cathartic at times. definitely self projected a bit at tim and reader in the middle there

Possible TWs: body/gender dysphoria, Pit rage?, explicit language, death, resurrection, batcest, etc

I know this isn’t for everyone so don’t like, don’t read, take care of yourselves

title from KMS by Sub Urban

cross-posted on ao3

wc: 3k+

flash warning for the gif below the cut

“What did you do over the weekend?” you heard JJ ask Spencer and Derek as you walked into the bullpen Monday morning.

“I read up on Allium haematochiton, also known as the redskin onion, native to certain places of California, and went to a Mitochondrial Psychobiology seminar on human energy and healing. It was really quite fascinating,” Spencer said, spinning in his chair.

“Of course you did, boy genius,” Derek teased playfully.

You reached your desk and put your bag down, still listening to your coworkers’ conversation.

“Oh, and what did you do, Morgan?” Spencer tossed back.

“I worked on one of my places, I’m almost done, just a few more things to finish up.”

“Good for you,” JJ smiled.

“JJ?”

“Henry had a playdate Friday night, so Will and I had some quiet time.”

“OoOoh!” Derek wiggled his eyebrows.

JJ laughed at his teasing. “And yesterday we went to the zoo.”

Emily walked up to their group. “Sounds fun.”

“And what did you do, Prentiss?” Derek asked.

Emily stuck her tongue out at him. “Chilled with Sergio and got caught up on the Real Housewives.”

“Ooh! What franchise?” JJ asked.

“Beverly Hills. Their drama is so insanely cathartic to me,” Emily laughed.

Derek called your name, and you looked up. “What’d you get up to, hot shot?”

“Umm…” You stared into space and thought about how to describe your weekend.

-----

It started with a text on Friday night, one of the days you were lucky enough to get off at a reasonable hour. You had been excited to have the weekend off too, ready to relax and catch up on things you neglected during the week thanks to your crazy work hours.

You’d just gotten into your apartment building when your phone buzzed. You pulled it out. It was Jason.

got an egg + mountain dew problem. come help me wrangle him.

Oh dear.

You turned around and headed right back out to the nearest Zeta tube.

Were you supposed to use them? Not really, but the Batkids had given you access so you took that as permission. Besides, this constituted an emergency.

You followed the coordinates Jason sent and stepped out into a Gotham alley.

“Thank fuck you’re here. C’mon, he’s gone rabid.”

Jason pulled you with him to his bike and tossed you an extra helmet.

You put it on and got behind him without question, but as soon as he pulled away from the curb you opened your mouth. “So, what’s the situation exactly? You were a little vague in your text.”

“Timmers found out that my dip in the radioactive Mountain Dew gave me a dick and decided he wanted to do the same thing, ignoring the fact that it gave me rage issues and other shit to deal with.” You could hear Jason’s scowl. You knew he was just worried from Tim.

“So we are going …?”

“To stop him, obviously. Brat’s already on his way so we’re going to steal the Bat-plane and stop him.”

“Ok.” Just a normal Friday night for you then.

Tim … was a slippery guy. He was smart and determined, which made him annoyingly difficult to catch up with, but you knew where he was headed, which helped. (There were only so many Lazarus Pits so you had a select number of locations Tim could choose from, narrowing your chase down.)

You caught him just before he could enter the caves, fully launching yourselves at him and grabbing onto him like a koala.

Tim, of course, could be as slippery as an eel sometimes. This was one of those times.

“Don’t you fucking dare, baby bird!” Jason yelled as he and you tried to wrangle him away from the mouth of the cave.

“Don’t try and stop me!” he yelled back, swinging his bō at you. Jason jumped over it and you rolled out of the way.

“Too late, we’re already trying to stop you,” you sassed and whipped out a sword to block Tim’s attacks. (Thank fuck, Zatanna had given you a sword charm upon request. You could carry it around, no one the wiser, and in necessary times like these, you could whip it out and have a weapon.)

“Did you learn nothing from my fuck ups? This is not the answer!”

“It’s free surgery!” Tim argued.

“With a bunch of side effects! You’re supposed to be the smart one!”

“Fuck you! I can be a dumbass if I want!”

“Tim, please,” you begged, blocking another hit with your sword.

“No!” he snarled and kicked up dust into your face and launched his staff at Jason.

You yelped and wiped the dirt out of your eyes. “Tim!” He was running through the caves.

“Fuck!” Jason swore and set off after him, you hot on his heels.

“Remember what happened with Jason!” you shouted, a last attempt to hold Tim off.

You caught up to him next to the pit. He was kneeling at the edge, staring into its depths. You went and knelt next to him. Jason stayed back. Hesitant.

“Tim,” you said softly. He didn’t move.

“I just want a body I like. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin,” he confessed, almost silently.

“Tim,” you started again, practically begging him to hear you. “I love you. I’m sorry your body doesn’t fit you right now, but you know that this isn’t the answer. Tim … darling … rationality and realities can be bummers. I wish we could mold our own bodies out of clay, give ourselves the bodies we’re comfortable in without having to jump through hoops and doctors’ appointments and evaluations and years of waiting. I wish we were given the bodies we wanted right away, without having to ask. I wish it was as easy as a suspicious looking bath, but it’s not. Jason didn’t choose to go in there, and he didn’t know what would happen. No one did.

“But there’s small joys in being able to craft your own body. It’s like pruning a tree, it takes time to form it into the big shape we want, but at any point we can decorate it with lights and ornaments and bows, until the time when it’s fully grown the way we pruned it. And even then, we can still decorate it.” You sighed. “I’m not sure exactly where I’m going with this, just that your struggles are valid. Being uncomfortable in your own skin is valid and wanting to change your body so it fits right is valid. But this isn’t the way, Tim, the ‘surgery’ might work but I think somewhere in there there’s a regret rate of 50%, as opposed to other ways. I want you to be happy. I want you to be comfortable, but I want you to be safe. This isn’t safe, Tim,” you whispered.

Tim took in a shaky breath and when you leaned down to see past his curtain of hair, you realized there were tears streaming down his face.

“Oh, Tim,” you breathed.

“I just want to not want to peel my own skin off,” he whimpered.

“Me too.”

You tapped the back of his hand to check his boundaries, and when he didn’t stop you, you wrapped your arms around him and pulled him into you.

You sat there together for a few moments, just breathing. Tim sat up slowly and disentangled himself from you.

You waited to see if he wanted to talk.

“Loving the emotional bonding that’s happening here but we’ve got company and not the fun kind. Unless you like being attacked. Like me. This is my kind of company,” Jason said.

“Alright, Tim-” you held out a hand “-let’s go, live to kick ass, say fuck you to society and gender norms another day.”

“I hate when you speak my language,” Tim said without heat, letting you help him up and grabbing his bō from Jason. “Let’s annoy Rā’s a little before we leave.”

“I’m sure we’ve already annoyed him by being here but sure, let’s make it worse.”

“Hell yeah, baby bird!” Jason shouted, shooting at the incoming assassins. You genuinely didn’t know what kind of bullets he was using.

“Bruce is going to have a fit when he finds out about this,” you said, pulling out your sword to fend off the attackers.

“If he finds out!” Tim called, swinging at more assassins.

If?? Oh dear lord, this was going to end badly, you just knew it. Wouldn’t stop you from continuing on the path, you were just prepared to say ‘I told you so’ to yourself later on.

Your phone rang. You glanced at it. Jason. You picked up.

“Yah?”

There was a cough on the other end, and not Jason’s cough.

“Hello?”

“Were you with Jason and Tim yesterday?”

“Bruce?”

“Yes.”

Ah. That was fast. You could tell yourself I told you so now.

Jason must be somewhere in the background, since it was his phone. You wondered if anyone else was there, was Tim? “Umm, what? Why?”

“A League base was attacked yesterday night. The Bat-plane has several hours of footage missing from its logs and Jason and Tim don’t have alibis for the suspected time period. Their alibi is that they were with you.”

“Ok, and? Yes, they were both with me.” You knew exactly what you did but no way in hell were you admitting that to Bruce. So, you needed to tell him a truth that absolutely distracted him from this interrogation.

“You were with Jason and Tim, yesterday night,” he said it like it was hard to believe. Maybe it was.

“Yes.” You had the perfect idea. You just hoped Tim and Jason wouldn’t want to kill you after this. It just needed the right introduction-

“Hn. And where were you?”

“Getting well acquainted with my bed,” you deadpanned. Oops?

The other side of the phone was silent for longer than Bruce’s normal pauses. Please let Jason and Tim go with it, dear lord.

“So no, we were not near any League base, Bruce, can confirm that Tim and Jason were in bed with me. At my apartment.”

There was a horrified snort-whine that you were pretty sure came out of Dick’s mouth in surprise.

Steph choked on a laugh. (At least you were pretty sure it was her.)

So if they were there, likely Jason and Tim were too.

“Are we done here?” you asked.

“The missing flight logs?”

You had to give props to Bruce for being unfailingly dedicated to his mission.

You pinched your brow. “Evidently, we didn’t want anyone to find out before we were ready to tell them. Yes, I took a Zeta tube to Gotham yesterday, yes, we stole the Bat-plane for a bit. We took it to my place.”

“The flight to DC is shorter than the deleted time. You wouldn’t have needed to delete that much time if you were just hiding your flight from Gotham to DC.”

You sighed. “No. But we … took our time. Hence the deleted footage.”

Silence. You wondered what Bruce was thinking. What everyone else was thinking.

You got your answer soon enough (at least, sort of).

“Don’t look at me like that, old man! My personal life is none of your business!” snapped Jason.

“Tim…”

“Why the fuck are you looking at him like that? Fuck you! I am a fantastic partner!”

“Polyamory does exist,” you added blandly. “I happen to be a practiser.”

“I am capable of making my own decisions, B,” Tim stated resolutely.

You wondered what kind of face Bruce was making when Tim added, “And if that includes dating two people then that’s my choice to make.”

“Fuck you, old man, give me my phone back, we’ve entertained you enough for the day.” You could hear Jason’s snappish voice get louder as he presumably stole his phone back.

“C’mon babe, let’s go.” You imagined Jason slinging an arm over Tim’s shoulders and politely forcing him out of the cave, not that Tim would necessarily fight him off, not to sell the lie.

“Have a nice day!” you called.

“See you later, sweetheart,” Jason said.

“Bye, love, talk later,” Tim said, and the line cut.

Well. You could certainly get used to them calling you pet names like that.

Tim and Jason showed up at your apartment a few hours later, presumably after they’d escaped all the prodding questions and interrogations from their family. You let them in.

“Faking a relationship to distract B? Bold move,” Tim said, taking his shoes off and walking further into your apartment.

“One that I respect, but also what the fuck,” Jason added, following him in.

You shrugged. “I needed something very distracting but believable.”

“Acquainted with the bed? Really?” Jason asked, spinning to look at you.

“What? It’s true! In a very unsexy way!” you defended. “We were cuddling in my bed for a fair amount of time. I’d say that’s getting very acquainted with it, not my fault most people would infer sexy times.”

Tim snorted. “I thought Bruce might have a heart attack for a bit when you said that.”

“Distracting. Like I was going for.”

“Fucking B and his judgemental looks,” Jason scoffed.

You snorted.

“We are going to have to actually fake a relationship for a bit. To make sure everyone believes it,” Tim said.

“I don’t mind,” you said. “I like you both. Sorry for springing it on you like that though.”

“’s fine, was a good idea,” Jason shrugged.

“It was. But now we have to sell it,” Tim said.

“After the shock of finding out is B really gonna believe it though?”

“You don’t think we can pull it off?”

Jason scowled and ran a hand through his hair, starting to pace. “We’re not that close-”

“Ouch.”

“No what I meant, bird brain, and you know it. Fuck, I tried to kill you. We don’t get along, we don’t hang out, no one’s gonna-”

“Not true.”

“Huh?”

“No, Tim’s right, we have been hanging out,” you said. “One, you and him are on much better terms. Two, I’m your friend so I’ve been hanging out at the Manor, so Tim and I have been hanging out more and we’ve become friends. So three, the three of us have been hanging out together. Four, well, Tim’s fallen asleep on me multiple times now and the three of us have ended up hanging out in silence or whatever. They could see that as … I dunno, bonding, feelings, et cetera. Anyways, all in all, we have been seen growing closer so it’s not too much of a leap (for the allos) to expect that they’d think we’ve … grown feelings for each other and started dating or whatever. And it’s not unsurprising that we kept our relationship a secret at the beginning either.”

“Besides, I don’t hate you,” Tim said. “I even had a crush on you when you were Robin.”

Jason was silent, emotions flitting across his face a mile a minute. “What?” Jason managed, looking as if Tim had dropped a bombshell on him. Maybe he had.

Tim blinked, not expecting that reaction from Jason. He shrugged. “Yah, I thought you knew.”

“How would I- Why would I- NO!” Jason exclaimed. “I did not know!”

Tim blinked again. “Oh.”

“I-” Jason cut himself off.

“Do you still?”

“What?”

“Do you still,” you repeated. “Have a crush on him. I mean, his thighs in his Red Hood pants? His forearms? His whole Red Hood look? His whole Jason look? Damn. My aesthetic radars (ace-thetic, haha) are screaming. That is to say, Jason, that I like your face. And I think you’re beautiful. Also, you’re very important to me and I love you.”

“Oh.” Jason almost seemed flustered by your rant.

“So? Tim?” You turned your attention to him.

He didn’t answer but he was also staring intently at your floorboards. You noticed his hands tapping out code on his thighs and the tips of his ears darkening.

“Do you?” Jason asked this time.

“Do you? Tim retorted, looking up to stare Jason down.

Jason blinked, taken aback, and you see the tips of his ears start to blush.

“You do!” Tim crowed.

“No,” was Jason’s kneejerk reaction.

“No?” Tim had a gleam in his eye as he stalked closer.

You watched them amusedly.

Jason held his ground, glaring down at Tim in front of him.

Tim went up onto his tiptoes to breathe into Jason’s ear. “You sure?” His hands trailed over Jason’s chest.

Jason’s hands twitched.

You smiled, barely holding back a soft laugh, enjoying the show.

Quick as a flash, Jason reached down and scooped Tim up and threw him over his shoulder.

Tim squawked indignantly, immediately squirming and flailing and yelling.

Jason carried him to your room. “We’re going to get reacquainted with your bed,” he deadpanned.

You laughed, following behind, watching them affectionately.

Jason tossed Tim on top the bed and jumped on top of him but this time Tim rolled out of the way fast enough. They grappled for a few seconds, you stayed where you were, laughing at them all the while.

“C’mon, stop fighting and let me on,” you giggled.

They let up and soon enough you were all cuddled up in your bed again. Jason and you curled around Tim. (Making sure he wouldn’t get away this time.)

“I don’t hate you. I meant that,” Tim said softly.

“I know, baby bird.”

It was quiet another moment.

“I … don’t either.”

“I know.”

“I like you,” Jason whispered into the air. You couldn’t help but think he had his eyes closed, to hide himself from rejection.

Tim didn’t say anything for a moment and Jason immediately backtracked, “You don’t have to- I mean-”

“I like you too. Like, like like.”

Jason snorted. “Nerd.”

“Says the nerd who’s obsessed with Jane Austen,” Tim retaliated.

“You’re both Nerdy Birdies, ok? Now quiet and let me cuddle you in peace,” you mumbled into Tim’s hair.

“We’re all nerds,” Tim declared.

“Ok, Nerdy Birdy.”

“Oh fuck you!”

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” Jason shot back, jokingly.

“Love asexual sex jokes,” you mumbled.

Tim and Jason chuckled too. You smiled to yourself as you felt their chest rumble. This was very comfortable, you thought to yourself.

There was another silence. Peaceful though.

“Does this mean we’re dating for real now?” Tim asked.

“I guess,” Jason said.

“Ok,” you agreed, sleepily.

“Ok, cool.”

Jason snorted. “Who’d’a guessed that we’d turn from fake relationship to real relationship so fast?”

“Not fanfic authors, that’s for sure,” you joked. You all snickered at that.

"We'll get you a dick, don't worry," Jason said in his sleep heavy voice.

"Promise?" Tim murmured.

“Promise, now go to sleep, baby bird.”

“G’night, Jay, night, love.”

“G’night.”

-----

Your coworkers looked at you expectantly.

“C’mon, hot shot, what did you do all weekend?” Derek asked again.

You shrugged. “Nothing much.”

“Aww, come on, give us more than that,” Emily laughed.

“Give us details,” JJ urged.

“Nothing much to tell, just stayed at my apartment, chilled, hung out.”

“With who?” Derek immediately caught your slip.

“Were you with someone?” Emily teased.

“Uhh.”

“Come on, tell us,” JJ encouraged.

You covered your face in your hands and blew out a deep breath of air. “I may, or may not,” you started slowly, “have been with my … boyfriends.” You couldn’t help but smile when you said that. Boyfriends.

“Boyfriends?” Spencer echoed.

“Yes.”

“Cutie pie! Did you have fun?” Emily asked.

You huffed a laugh. “Yes, yes we did.”

“That’s nice, you sound happy,” JJ said, silently supporting you.

“I am.”

“You’ll have to introduce us sometime,” Derek added.

You laughed. “Maybe,” you agreed.

~~~

thanks for reading!! feel free to rb and leave nice comments <3

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