#dude I was so terrified help me
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AAAAAA
Helppp-
I've been replaying Bendy and the ink machine, and I'm on the mission from Alice where you need to cut down all the cutouts-, and I had the worst luck with the ink demon appearing AS SOON as I got out of the elevator and chasing me all the way to the heavenly toys lil miracle box ;-; it was t er r I f y I n g
#alice angel#bendy and the ink machine#bendy the dancing demon#bendy and the dark revival#batim bendy#batim#batdr#the ink demon#ink demon#batdr bendy#PAIN#dude I was so terrified help me#Just#HHHHHHHHhhhHHhhhhhHHHH
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need the historical romance girlies to go back to their roots and read forever amber (1944)
#forever amber#kathleen winsor#it's SO serious y'all. five star book and it didn't even have to make me cry i'm going to think about it for the rest of my life#amber is the ubermensch of unlikable female characters and i am obsessed with her. worst woman in the world. wife city.#there's a terrifying section set during the plague where she has to nurse her Main Lover (horrible dude. hate his guts) back to life#two of the nurses sent to help die of plague then right when the horrible man gets better amber also gets sick#so they get a third nurse who is willing to murder them both to get their money so horrible dude murders her first#the plague section is soooo tense and scary it's almost a novella in itself. wonderful writing and detail#kathleen winsor read 365 books about restoration england and was painting diagrams of houses and dresses#ma'am i'm sorry i think i have to retroactively make you take the autism test. incredible devotion to history#there's also a great bit where amber murders her abusive third husband (out of four) and disguises it with the fire of london#literally what else can you want from a book#lit#sometimes i make stuff
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i'm so fucking stressed out
#dude my dog had acl repair surgery in march#she's healed fine with that but developed stomach issues#so she's been back and forth to the vet with that#and now when i was at work she just randomly started walking weird as fuck. she kicks her leg that was operated on backwards as she walks#and sometimes looses balance in both legs#and then when i pick her up she acts like it hurts her spine or something#i'm gonna wake up in 4 hours to call the vet and see if they can see us today and pray that this isn't something that she'll need surgery#for again#i also am supposed to work tomorrow and then friday we have a rehearsal dinner and then saturday the wedding which is two hours away.#vets closed on sunday so if she can't get seen tomorrow it'll be a whole new fiasco trying to get her helped somewhere else#this dog is my lifeline like it#ruins me#seeing her like this#genuinely if i didn't have her i wouldnt be here#it's so hard to watch her not even be able to walk#but it's so fuckinf weird bc my mom said she was just laying in her bedroom and she came back out doing it? there's nothing she could've#gotten into it just makes no fuckinf sense#like it's possible either her kneecap or her acl implant thing popped out of place but#she stiffens her entire body when i pick her up#and she acts like she's losing balance#it's so fucking weird#i'm also terrified that i'm about to get told she has some kind of onset of neurological problems and she'll have to get put down#or something along those lines#it's just too much rn#pls keep my doggy in ur thoughts#we just spent 3k on her surgery in march if she has to get operated on again first of all the recovery process all over again sounds like#a nightmare#but just the cost alone#i'm gonna FUCKING KILL MYSELF
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post office task complete despite everything.
#lays on the floor. sobs#i. did not succeed in going by myself like i wanted. i wanted to be so brave. but i did fucking sob when dad came to help with the car so#he did not exactly want me to have to deal with it myself aiusdhaliushd which is fine. i was upset in the moment but now i'm glad he came#he was literally just there for moral support i'm still the one who talked to the post office people by myself#this post office was very nice they weren't as overly friendly as my therapist and the reviews described#but they were extremely patient with me when the first thing i said was 'i've never done this before and don't know what the process is'#and they did make sure everything was in order for me and kept things as simple as possible for me#and also their gift shop is nice dad bought gummy bears and shared with me#the car is not entirely fucked like i was terrified it might be#it's just weird. dad's not sure how to fix it yet#but we just need to get my fob working again and i can make sure the car doesn't Scream at me for existing#even if the base problem is not fixed#my horrible piece of shit hunk of junk. love this car so much but holy shit dude
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”don’t make me convince you to let me help you” is still one of the hardest lines for anyone to say to tai thank you
#oh fuck you dude dont make me convince you to let me help you you know im not letting you leave here like this so#at least you could have the decency to actually ask for my help#i killed my fucking dog van my wife is in the hospital im losing my fucking mind and im terrified! like all the way#like i havent been SINCE.... i cant ask you for your help cause i dont want to hurt any more of the people i love!#scenes memorized in my silly brain.#this post had a purpose but im too lazy to say anything other than i love that line so bad. its such a good read on tai
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NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
not my sunbro...
damn you miyazaki...
#i'm so sorry my friend... it was for your sake...#given that this is dark souls i should have seen it coming but man...#HIS DEATH DIALOGUE NOOO#you should have found your sun my friend...#not a fucking bug#SERIOUSLY SOLAIRE DYING BECAUSE OF A BUG???????#were you that desperate?#oh god i feel terrible#later i had to go to anor londo to try to find something and seeing that area around the bonfire completely desolate without solaire there#it was so fucking depressing#AND I SAW LIKE 3 DIFFERENT MESSAGES SAYING 'tears?' LIKE YEAH NO SHIT#so i left one too :')#*sigh* i miss him already#i keep letting characters die and now firelink shrine is more of a grave than a nice safe sanctuary to chat with npcs#(haha funny there's an actual graveyard there haha oh god)#ouch i just remembered that i kinda let larentius hollow#god he was so nice too#he literally trusted me with a part of himself dude wth i feel horrible#the fromsoft experience™#i remember when i felt terrible for getting the immortal severance ending in sekiro#NOT MY BOI KURO DAMNIT#and wolf becoming a sculptor like the proof of an endless cycle of suffering that i failed to break...#god i hate that ending#*sigh* back to ds1 at least siegmeyer is still alive and jolly as ever#except he met me at firelink and said he was going somewhere and now i'm terrified that's he's just gonna die too ahahahahahah help#NOT YOU TOO ONIONBRO STAY ALIVE OR I'LL... I'LL KILL YOU#...sorry for venting in the tags#AND THE WORST OFFENDER IS THAT I HAD TO KILL HIM MYSELF FUCK#i'm so sorry my friend... my sunbro...#dark souls
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#saw tinder dude again and i like him a lot and i think it's safe to say i have very real and very scary feelings for him#and i don't know what to do lol#i've never been in a relationship before i have no idea how this stuff works#we kissed last time but not this time idk he had to go to work#but idk what the next step is#i think he likes me too and it's kinda obvious that we wanna keep seeing each other#but i don't know what i have to do i'm so awkward and weird and i hate myself and i don't know what i'm doing#also my overthinking brain is killing me like i've had approximately 12 mental breakdowns since our first kiss#i've never come this far before and i'm terrified lmao#pls send help
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Brandon Sanderson is sick in the brain but the hyper productivity version
#misc#this dude has some problems im telling you#anyway if he could just give 0.5% of his brain capacity...#and here i am#extremely late in all of this book#because since my past horrible years long reading slump#hit on a tsa book#and i have been feeling low for MONTHS not being able to read one his books among of all#so since i started reading again#mind you more than a year ago now#i have been terrified of not being able to read tsa again#and i haven't tried it or any of his other books#because I'm too scared of feeling this guilt again#idk if it makes sense to you#but it does to me#anyway#he just add piles of books i need to catch on#which is not helping me at all
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it's times like these i wish i could actually draw well bc i have MULTIPLE characters who would fit the barbie mugshot meme so well... ivara and min, cal and idgie, alice and benji...
#ivara and min esp bc they are Literally criminals. they did murder and space treason and are in space prison for it currently#(so's cal but she never got caught for her shit lmfaooo)#atom river TECHNICALLY didnt do anything but they did summon a demon and cheat at the battle of the bands. hashtag problematic faves#levi.txt#for reference: ivara (killswitch) is trying to pretend shes still a Good Soldier and is terrified shes lost her sense of self#min on the other hand hides in the ship vents for fun and tries to convince other convicts they can hear god. also really likes fireworks#like. she REALLY likes fireworks. as in shes not allowed to Have fireworks anymore legally#idgie (dnd side character) is a goody two shoes who helps her uncle out running the local temple#cal is a con artist by trade whos been poor her entire life. has run from guards more times than she can count + has A Nemesis in the guar#benji (atom river) might be in a punk band but hes such a normal dude. hes just a regular man hes just a nice guy he doesnt want this#alice is the reason its a punk band in the first place. thinks hair dye and doing her own piercings counts as therapy. drummer#alice is the reason atom river summoned a fucking demon together and benji is the ONLY reason they survived it#i know nobody cares abt them but me <3 idc tho theyre my sillies
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There was this tweet I saw like. Way too long ago. And it was shortly after another vaguely twitter big comic book fan posted about how Peacemaker was originally going to remember Crisis in the Never Materalized Keith Giffen Peacemaker mini/solo/oneshot (I forget which) so I think they got it from that but it was another vaguely twitter big comic book fan saying that if the DCEU gets rebooted Peacemaker should remember because "hes crazy" and I think about this so often. I think about it too much. He should remember because hes crazy. I fucking hate comic book fans dude we are horrible
#its like.#Like. HES NOT FUCKING D/EADPOO/L#I just hate it you know this assumption that because hes a mentally ill comic book character that should be used for shit like that like#every other insensitively written comic book villain with a mental illness#Like unlike most of them in the comics he has a Specific Real World Mental Disorder and though its like#never officially spelled out hes diagnosed like. come on.#He has schizophrenia.#And in the show he ends it having hallucinations that are clearly terrifying him#Like its so weird to me dude I could get it if he was written in that kind of way where its like#'oh yeah hes crazy so hes WHACKY' like De/ad/poo/l or whoever the hell but like#god it has never been that. Like hes always been ableist but its always been in that like 'this is soooo sad and he cant help it!' way#Ok sorry this is a strange rant my point is I hope that doesnt happen Ill fucking throw up#God Peacemaker's mental illness being used for fourth wall breaking references oh my GOD what a horrible fucking world#that would be. ok sorry. done.
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#yikeroni#really want to apply to that avatar academy trainee thing#like imagine???#but I literally don’t have a character designer portfolio put together and the deadline is in 10 days#also literally can’t afford to live in California for 6 months but my dad said he would help me if I really wanted to do this so I’m less#worried about that#but also#like would I reaaaallly even get in like the chances are prob so low#but imagine???#IMAGINE#fuck it dude#I cant not do things bc they terrify me#fully on that fake it til you make it mindset#I guess I’ll work my ass off getting a portfolio together and go from there???#FUCK#I also JUST got a new job I’ll hate to have to be like jk I’m leaving for 6 months ✌🏼#😭😭😭#I’m just venting
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oh my god. that was so fucking scary. almost dropped 100 dollaroos before thinking to check the sleeve width
#HELP I FORGOT MY ARMS DONT FUCKING FIT IN ANYTHING ANYMORE!!!!!!!!#theyre not even that big but 26 CM??? HELLO??????? ARE THESE SLEEVES MADE FOR TWIGS?????#based on these measurements i need a fucking XL????#which doesnt fit me on literally any other measurement??????#other cosplay was a non issue no arms involved. god i fucking hate sleeves#i hateeee this cos its gonna go to my head. no my arms arent actually big its just they loooove making sleeves small#god now im terrified seeing how many of these dont list sleeve width at all.#theoretically if its mens sizes i dont even need to worry about this right. but what if...........#i do have some shirts that im threatening to burst out of. again the problem being#if i size up that literally nothing else fits. hnrhrhghh#im looking at photos like ok well. thats a normal arm#I JUST LOOKED IT UP I GOT AVERAGE ARMS DUDE WHAT!!! THEN WHY SO TINY....
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Now why the hell do I have such intensely realistic dreams I had to wake up and stare at the ceiling for like ten minutes to make sure I was alive.
#me 🤝 having dreams where everyone is mad at me and also I'm having a near death experience and everyone is still mad at me#literally had a dream that I was riding a bike and got hit by a car and woke up in the hospital then felt like shit but was okay enough and#then in my dream I was like hmm I wanna go to a gas station to get snacks bc that's why I was biking in the first place and so I drove to a#random gas station and came back to my car after getting snacks and there was a fucking mountain lion inside my car that immediately pounced#on me and started trying to bite my face and no one would fucking help me at all#it was terrifying and I literally like argued with my mom in the dream and she said all this personal horrible shit and didn't care at all#that I was hit by a car and then I went to the gas station and millie was there and she was mad at me for not going on some trip with her#and her family even tho I was like nah dude I was like JUST hit by a car this morning bro I don't wanna go to Connecticut with u and ur fam#and even the gas station clerk was mad at me for some reason and he tried to charge me a hundred dollars for a pack of icebreakers and a#box of strawberries like dude what the fuck is wrong with my brain but I remember every fucking detail of it like why is my brain so evil#my brain will be like hmm time to dream... let's think about exactly how it would feel to almost die once and then be mauled by a big cat#like why in my dreams do I feel everything that happens to me. why did I feel my broken nose and he blood dripping down my face and the road#burn across my body why are my dreams like yeah u can smell the mountain lions breath as you're trying to hit it with ur purse and it's like#drooling on ur face cause it's trying to wrap it's jaws around your entire head#like bruh. hey brain. did I really need that today? did I really need two near death experiences in one dream? and also everyone hates me?#was that really necessary brain? my brain also had the audacity to set the dream in New Hampshire during winter. why would I be riding a#bike in the middle of winter and then be slammed into the road and then be attacked by a lion what message is that trying to tell me exactly#when I woke up I literally touched my nose to make sure it wasn't broken thats how fucking real my dreams are I hate it#anyways I'm mad at my brain for having hyper realistic dreams where I'm in pain physically and emotionally
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every once in awhile i get especially insane about the mag murphy -> law decline, like its terrible and literally murphy turning into the worst possible version of himself (barely himself actually. law always has been and always will be a different person entirely, hes not just "evil murphy") but its also very near and dear to my heart at this point because ive projected a LOT of struggles i was having last year into it now
#the 'no one cares' mindset is fucking lethal dude. it almost made me end it but funnling it into murphys story helped me through it#holds my head oughhhhg ggod i like law so bad#stupid stupid law and your obsession with your identity after how genuinely terrifying it was feeling your sense of personhood die#after spending 30+ years being so sure of (and happy with) yourself#i gotta draw him more so i have more excuses to talk to people about him LOL. because i feel obnoxious bringing him up w/o getting asked
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me at 1 am when i have to wake up at like 7:30-8 AM at the latest and partake in an autism assessment appointment when my brain almost never naturally wakes up before like 9:30-10 am and i have medical trauma and prior misdiagnosis triggers acting up in my head and i just got my period and i have endometriosis so im in agony and i start to feel a full blown depressive panic attack coming on even though i've already taken my anti panic medication and also i have adhd and cant get myself to turn on fortnite and play for like an hour to try and de-stress because of all of the above plus executive dysfunction
#dude like. im going to the appt if its the last thing i do i NEED this diagnosis to have any chance of independence in my#adult life ever. its not something i am going to avoid. but holy shit i do NOT have it in me.#i feel so defeated already because like. i am already shutting down in the middle of the night.#i know myself too well in this specific situation and i am not going to provide#a proper case for myself. i will forget all the 27 years worth of proof i have that i am undeniably autistic.#and i will be too in pain and exhausted and terrified to speak for 80% of the appt bcus i've done this before years ago with a different#person. and i tried so hard. and forces out of my control convinced that person that i was overdramatic and didnt know what i was talking#abt. and i cant go through that again. like it will completely break me permanently if im not The Perfect Model Autistic Example this time.#and i am just inherently Not That even on my best communication days. this has to be the last time i do this and im so#scared that i will not be given the diagnosis i need to literally help my life happen as an adult#like. UGH. UGHHHH i physically cannot stop crying im so freaked out and terrifieddddddddddddddddd.#idk how im gonna get through this. one of my moms will be there with me to help at least and#my therapist wrote a really great summary for the dr person presenting a brief history of#how she has seen/heard my autism as my therapist since i was 14. and both of that does make me feel a bit better#knowing i have support and im not alone. but like i truly dont know how im gonna survive this appointment if im already crying and jumping#to worst case scenarios hours and hours before im even there. i dont want to do this i wish i was irresponsible so i could just avoid it#but its too important and i cant do that. im so stressed out idk what to do my brain is like. melting.#....um! anyways.
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#where is the 'do things scared' post when you need it#because i really need that reminder right now#like things between me and tinder dude are going so well i am terrified#like i know technically that's a good thing but holy shit i'm scared#we're probably gonna meet very soon and so many things could go wrong i can't stop thinking about it#i need to force myself to do this even if i'm scared because what if things actually don't go wrong for once in my life#i want this so bad but i am so scared#send help#i didn't expect this at all but omg he's such a wonderful person i'm screaming into my pillow as we speak
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