#like. UGH. UGHHHH i physically cannot stop crying im so freaked out and terrifieddddddddddddddddd. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mariska · 4 months

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me at 1 am when i have to wake up at like 7:30-8 AM at the latest and partake in an autism assessment appointment when my brain almost never naturally wakes up before like 9:30-10 am and i have medical trauma and prior misdiagnosis triggers acting up in my head and i just got my period and i have endometriosis so im in agony and i start to feel a full blown depressive panic attack coming on even though i've already taken my anti panic medication and also i have adhd and cant get myself to turn on fortnite and play for like an hour to try and de-stress because of all of the above plus executive dysfunction

#dude like. im going to the appt if its the last thing i do i NEED this diagnosis to have any chance of independence in my #adult life ever. its not something i am going to avoid. but holy shit i do NOT have it in me.#i feel so defeated already because like. i am already shutting down in the middle of the night.#i know myself too well in this specific situation and i am not going to provide #a proper case for myself. i will forget all the 27 years worth of proof i have that i am undeniably autistic.#and i will be too in pain and exhausted and terrified to speak for 80% of the appt bcus i've done this before years ago with a different #person. and i tried so hard. and forces out of my control convinced that person that i was overdramatic and didnt know what i was talking #abt. and i cant go through that again. like it will completely break me permanently if im not The Perfect Model Autistic Example this time.#and i am just inherently Not That even on my best communication days. this has to be the last time i do this and im so #scared that i will not be given the diagnosis i need to literally help my life happen as an adult #like. UGH. UGHHHH i physically cannot stop crying im so freaked out and terrifieddddddddddddddddd.#idk how im gonna get through this. one of my moms will be there with me to help at least and #my therapist wrote a really great summary for the dr person presenting a brief history of #how she has seen/heard my autism as my therapist since i was 14. and both of that does make me feel a bit better #knowing i have support and im not alone. but like i truly dont know how im gonna survive this appointment if im already crying and jumping #to worst case scenarios hours and hours before im even there. i dont want to do this i wish i was irresponsible so i could just avoid it #but its too important and i cant do that. im so stressed out idk what to do my brain is like. melting.#....um! anyways.

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