#driving on these meds is not fun
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My new meds are fucking with my emotions in bad ways. Especially since it's for my adhd
#driving on these meds is not fun#and not very safe#but i dont wanna go back to my old shit bc it wasnt working but this isnt either#adhd#im apathetic and feel very apart from things#clinical#and thats not me#ozzy rambles#and im so fucking tired#this is also my first time ever switching to something that Isnt Adderall
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Eh, I was in a weird experimental mood. Have this. Dubbed 'Who Are You?' Pretty sure I've said this but I love characters that either are not human or beyond human... because existentialism is fun to think about.
My monitor makes this look 3-D which is awesome.
#rvb#red vs blue#rvb simmons#I just think that he probably had a bit of a crisis after the meds and hype wore off#realizing that perhaps becoming a cyborg wasn't as cool and dope as he thought it was gonna be#cause i mean come ON if anything he should have been able to throw a fucking punch or catch one from Tex#like my poor boy just got all these 'enchancements' but none of the benefits? i call bullshit - Sarge builds weapons of mass destruction#shit maybe this bitch has a bomb in him if he dies... I dunno#but srsly this boyo should have been punching and kicking metal with his new metal#Also I will never not shut up about him being able to make a hologram of himself - even if it just mirrors his movements#that shit would have been epic to see in a fight and useful too#I love every fic that has capitalized on his Cyberness SO fucking much holy hell#. . . > . > Okay and also like hear me out - I think because of how his system works and how he's not like pure human anymore...#I think if (Any version of) Church were to have linked with him it would have been different than how the Freelancers or Tucker had him#I have an idea or a fic... >.> I have Many Ideas for Many Fics but specifically one about this concept. Toying with it.#Random AF but YALL - I always felt his “fax ass” was more like a Tramp Stamp - it's just a port that looks like a disk drive#so anymore morse code is fun ;3
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I know I generally embrace being autistic but today the hardest parts of it were really in the foreground for the entire fucking exhausting day… having auditory issues on a VERY important phone call that I needed to make and fighting for my life to understand what the poor sweet insurance lady was saying because the audio was so distorted… having a way-too-long discussion with my sister where I (1) promised to “castrate [her baby daddy] like a hog” for ghosting her and genuinely meant it (thinking about stuffing his nards as a wall trophy tbh, if he doesn’t wanna be a dad so badly then surely it’s no loss to him!) and (2) argued with her about laws that are stupid and shouldn’t apply to her situation (that’s a long story)… which probably did not make her feel any bit better and honestly I think both of us are much more stressed out afterwards. like some situations get me so outrageously mad that I literally cannot handle it and I need to remove myself from the conversation because the other person isn’t budging because it’s something they have zero influence over and they are just trying to explain the damn thing but it’s Wrong in my eyes so I feel the need to argue my case and how the fuck does anyone put up with me
like I know I don’t go into much detail about personal issues on here (or much of anything re: IRL me) but uh. that’s a huge thing I struggle with and I have no clue how to change it. It’s like, does no one else have common sense? Why can’t anyone else see this? and it feels like screaming into the void and it makes me feel terrible and it only stresses out the other person who is Not Getting Paid Enough (well, at ALL) to deal with Whatever This Is
#the hyperfixations are fun and there’s a lot about being autistic/ND that I am grateful for#but when I’m driving the struggle bus it is HARD#I still wouldn’t change my situation because neurotypicals have problems too and from the sound of it? their problems are stupider#autistic problems are like. I Am Irrationally Angry At Bad Person Doing Bad Thing Because I Can’t Achieve Justice Here#or the classic My Senses Are Overwhelmed And I Am By Definition Not Equipped To Handle This#whereas NT’s just seem like they all came straight out of the Are The Straights Okay subreddit- but instead it’s Are The NT’s Okay#and they’re not#sorry I just had to ramble. rough week. rough day. getting better. still stressful.#I’ve had other problems today but those two specifically were exacerbated if not directly caused by My Brain Being My Brain and like.#no fucking wonder I’m on anxiety meds. No fucking wonder they help a little but only scratch the surface#it’s baked into my DNA to be stressed or upset or all of the above about basic life situations#I would never say that it’s a bad thing to have a strong sense of human justice but oh lord is mine CONCENTRATED#to the point where I have to exit conversations just because I get so mad over literally just. Information itself if it sucks that hard#guys my autism made me into a chihuahua help
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i don’t understand ppl who leave their packing, until the last minute. i am already packing and i don’t go anywhere for over a week, imao
#*walter white voice* jesse we need to pack#imao i’m watching brba and thinking about packing at 2am#i actually haven’t started packing but i’m gonna pack all my clothes and just leave everything else until the day before#bc a lot of stuff i still need in the meantime#i also need to put pins on my jacket but that’s a separate thing that i keep forgetting to do#bc i think a lot of my best pins would be better on my jacket#i actually need to work out which clothes i’m wearing#like which ones to pack and which ones i’m wearing on the drive#i’m planning on probably just wearing sweats and a regular ass shirt#and i’ll dress up when i’m actually there#and i gotta make sure i have my meds all sorted#and i need to make sure i don’t forget anything and that i keep everything safe#this post is kinda just me talking to myself imao#but honestly they usually are#okay but like someone tell me to not to pack at 2am bc i can literally do it tomorrow during the day but my brain is like ‘pack now!!’#bc i have it stuck in my head#imao i’m also only going for three days but travelling is a whole thing with me#leaving the house in general is a whole thing with me#what may seem like nothing to some people is a huge deal to me#like wow you’re going on vacation for three days? so what?#but this is only the second time i’ve done this#and the longest i’ll have been away from home aside from when i was in the hospital#so yeah it’s a big deal#the worst part is the travel tho#when i’m actually there i’ll have a fun time bc i did last time#well kinda i also got homesick and was in the middle of a depressive episode but i digress#but this time i’m not! so go me!#gwen actually leaves the house and feels good about it for once!#gwen rambles#gwenposting
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blowing the dust off of my modern ruetash au... we are so back
(aka im hitting that wall again in writing the next lsdl chapter so now i need to make these guys be silly and kiss and cause scandals)
i am glad i have this silly outlet to let them be idiots. i think if i kept only to canon i would burn myself out
#it also doesnt help i am Going Through It with my health rn#also its med day thats probably why im extra tired#anyway. modern au rue and gortash actively hook up in his car in the middle of the woods on their drive to work btw#i have a really stupid idea planned where they go to some big conference event in waterdeep#oh no! theres only one bed? sure hope neither of them... kiss... that would be bad...#this is so much fun i love playing with them like barbie dolls#; political affairs#(gonna keep tagging fic related posts i think)
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I can't even talk about this abuse bc i feel like people irl who talk to me on social media some of them have used this stuff against me either immediately or later down the road. I can't trust anyone. I hate holding shit in but I guess I "have to" because people always take advantage and say nasty shit. I'm so tired. I hate that my dad is always baiting suicide my entire life and treating me like a huge inconvenience and burden and problem while also begging me to take care of him and fix his life as if I "have" to even though I damn sure fuckin'g DONT. he couldve ended his life with any amt of dignity or tried to repair this relationship like ive tried to but instead just makes it worse and eventually he's going to die either way with a legacy of being a fucking asshole who no one loved and NO ONE wants that for him. NO ONE. but i cannot fix ANY of this and i am SO upset.
#i would NEVER say this to anyone irl#but i wanted to be like ok then fine#dont take the walking aid and lose your ability to walk#youre not gonna drive off a cliff and blame me asshole#youre not gonna kys so PLEASE just care for your life right now and be a fucking adult#i hate that this is my life#its so fucking sad#im trying to heal with meds and therapy so i can work again#like im disabled by the abuse and stress after 30 years of trying to survive#and everyone treats me like a fuck up and a problem#ive done so much for other people just to be torn down and fucking destroyed for fun
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OC's Profiles
Dalian
Sybil
Tristan
Rhiell
Claire
To add in the future if i find energy to each one of them
#i'm using tumblr as an archive because i learned my mistakes from the past#now i'll have a weird backup of some things for my ocs in every site that i (lurk) use#not google tho because my drive is full#anyway#my ocs#i don't know if is the new meds making me having more fun thinking about ocs lately#who knows a miracle happens and i write something
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Someone tell me how to make me not hate myself and make my family not think I’m a bitch and make me want to see my family or drive back down the coast or stay in strange places or do anything other than kill myself I mean whaaatttt haha what a weird thing to say *stares directly into the camera knowingly*
#and don’t say take your medication#fuck. my moms sitting here like I was under the impression you had this all figured out and I’m like well I was under the impression you#we’re going to fucking sit down with me and help me book a room for the last night of driving bc I can’t book and I have to find somewhere#between like three states that will let me check into a hotel room bc if I get somewhere and they don’t let me stay I’m fucked and have no#where to go or sleep bc I can’t sleep in the car on the way back bc my car is packed to the FUCKING top with my brothers shit fuck fuck fuck#fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck#it’s just like being a kid I can hear my family making fun of me for my emotions in the next room over FUCK I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE T#THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS#I think I’m having caffeine nic and med withdrawals at the same time while pmsing#AND WHILE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT A PLAN FOR DRIVING BACK DOWN#I think I’m the biggest bitch on the planet rn#i was listening to father by tfb in the car and there’s a line about something about falling asleep while you drive and I apparently sang iy#with a lot of passion bc my brother said ‘please don’t’ and that was literally the first time anyone has called me on my recent musicchoices#but it really has all been like I need to go anywhere but where I am right now and I need to die far away and that’s it#no more starting over no more self hatred no more family shit I just need to stop#I want to hire someone to drive my brothers shit down to Florida and then I want to kill myself in New England#Anyways. I’m gonna go try to eat something and take my meds and then move stuff around in the car and also try to get a room somewhere by#the end of my trip and I don’t have much time at all and I need to kill everyone and then myself now now now now now now now now now now now#every time I move my body the entire world spins and idk if it’s anxiety or med withdrawals or being tired or what but I am losing it and I#feel like I don’t have it in me to drive any fucking more this trip and the way back is only just beginning#and in less than hour were supposed to check out of this hotel and go to my aunts for a big family celebration of my brothers graduation and#Mother’s Day and I’m going to see all my family who still has a fucking father and I want to be fucking dead I hate all of this I hate it#I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it
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:3c
#being unemployed and insane is a fucking trip lol#i desperately want to be doing something but i cant go three days without having an episode#and my therapist isnt acknowledging most of my symptoms#im going through emdr for ptsd but like what about the psychosis what about the mood swings#ive talked about my horrible sensory issues and she says its just anxiety and im like what#i cant even get out of the house cause im not allowed to drive and everything within walking distance is fuvking expensive as hell#and ubers arent in the budget#thank god theres a sliding scale clinic where i get my meds for literal cents idk what i would do without it#im getting my teeth looked at wednesday im equal parts excited and terrible#depression and sensory issues have wrecked my teeth :(#idk bro#im thinking about selling some of my higher value plushes to get some money to do something fun#cause i have negative five dollars in my bank account lol#i would just go to the library or something but one i cant get there myself#and two when my gf gets off work shes usually dog tired so i feel so freaking guilty for asking her#i have an active disablility claim its about nine months in#so maybe ill get lucky and have it approved but i super doubt it#since my psych team refuses to diagnose me with anything#apparently its really hard to get approved for ptsd and thats like my biggest on paper issue thats actually listed#i talk about getting a job but i cant even be in a gas station for more then two minutes without freaking out#so idk how i think im gonna be able to handle a job#plus itll look really bad on my disability claim if i get a job#so im kinda damned if i do damned if i dont#ugh im just shaking myself by the shoulders and yelling BE NORMAL JUST BE NORMAL#but :3 i stay silly i guess#idk if youve actually read this i give you an internet cookie 🍪#if you have any advice let me know i guess
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reading for leisure is supposed to be fun.
Even if you are like me who reads for a specific purpose in your leisure time, if your only reaction to a book is "ugh it's boring" then put it down.
I read a lot of books that I don't classify as "fun". However, I always get something out of them, I am reading them to inform myself, to understand something. If I start a book and I get nothing out of it, I'm dropping it.
I like to divide all books I read into 2 very broad groups - yes even fiction. 1. Pure fun 2. Mind occupation.
Before some people come at me about "Mind occupation" I couldn't think of a better term that broadly encompassed everything that fits there. Books in group 2 can be entertaining, they can be exciting, they can be fiction. They are books that leave me thinking, they are not a repetitive forgettable plot with little original input from the author.
people will read books they Do Not Like™ and then wonder why they hate reading
#Once I got on ADHD meds and stopped having to take courses in school that were uninteresting#nothing I read is boring#it can be dry or slow but as someone who loves learning and reading#boring is something that I use for dry stuff or crime novels#While academic articles are not fun they are interesting#Learning is fun for me#Also different books at different times#I learned that I cannot listen to Crime and Punishment while driving to work even though there is a good reader and I am interested#in the novel#However it is very likely I can listen to that book while crocheting or doing simple cross stitch#Or even walking my dog#While driving to work I need something engaging but also something that if I miss a few lines it does not really matter
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we should do mishapoclipyse 2 on april 1st 2025 just for old times sake. and becuse i was 7 when the first one happened and not on tumblr at the time and i would have loved that shit sooooooooo
#come on guys it would be so fun#and before any of the old tumblr users can come for me#yes i was seven in 2013. yes i can legally vote and drive now. take your meds grandpa (gender neutral)#hayden yaps
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#tag talk#all this turmoil is definitely related to me being unable to get one of my psych meds refilled#and yeah I probably should have gotten on top of that instead of letting myself run out#but my psychiatrist hasn't messaged me back and instead of messaging anyone else I've just accepted my fate#which is characteristic I guess. I lack agency. lack self advocacy.#I can't get my meds so I just resign myself to the worst two weeks I've had in a while as my body quits it suddenly.#and it's been rough. hella stomach issues. struggling with appetite. difficulty stomaching any food I do eat.#and I've been me for a while now. R is gone and I can't find her. she's hella checked out and I just have to wait for her to come back.#I tried reaching her this morning and I can't find her. the stomach issues and the constant headaches and just pain in general drove her of#I guess. so I've been on my own which is weird. even when I'm running things she's usually still backseat gaming#but I'm alone in my head and it's kinda lonely. I miss her. I want things to level back out so she comes back.#she's the one with the drive. the motivation. the laughter and fun. I'm just dour and stoic and I miss her#I don't want to go back on the psych meds. I don't want to risk this kind of thing again#I want to learn to handle my mood swings on my own. want to learn to deal with it myself instead of having this chemical risk#because these last two weeks have genuinely been hell and I don't want to ever risk this again. so no meds again#I'm still on the antidepressants and I want to stay on those. but not the mood meds. too much of a risk#idk. my head isn't clear right now so maybe I'll decide to go back on them. maybe R will put us back on them when she's back#we'll find out I guess
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The way you know im off my meds when I post alot of fanfic like woah, for the first time in ages I'm back on em daily and there's no !!!!!Write!!!!Right!!!!Now!!!!! feeling over taking me, its great
#writing at a normal pace now and not crazy manic with it#also im normal now cause im not taking the Forbidden Pills (ibuprofen)#i call em that cause youre nkt really allowed them on the meds im on but i need good painkillers:(#all my fanfics are currently hiatus rn cause im currently a DM and writing a DND campaign for my friends ots super fun#but also now im back on my meds i wanna do adult things like lesrn to drive etc etc#feel free to ignore this#im also still into bg3 no one can save me
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i got a dental implant yesterday and they prescribed 800mg of ibuprofen 3 times a day and the last dose is wearing off but its too early to take the next ones pray for me
#they also gave me some of the Good Stuff but my momll give me that look#she tried to get me to only take ibuprofen when i got three wisdom teeth out and only relented when i started crying#she hads a med background so i cant fully blame her for not wanting me to take oxy but ugh#so thats what im dealing with#also fun fact we went grocery shopping on the way back from the surgery lol#had to hold the cart or drive it bc my balance was still a bit off#but almost everything we got was for me to eat while it heals soooo
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brushing your hair, aroace style. holding your hand, aroace style. leaning on you, aroace style. laughing with you, aroace style. cuddling while going to sleep, aroace style. braiding your hair, aroace style. dinner together, aroace style. long hugs, aroace style. inside jokes, aroace style. "babe, love, dear," aroace style. making fun of things together, aroace style. giggling at three am, aroace style. driving to see you, or you see me, aroace style. meeting each other's friends, aroace style. meeting important people in your life, aroace style. dropping off a coffee while at work, aroace style. opening the car door for you, aroace style. comforting hand on knees, shoulders, head, back, aroace style. sleepy drives, aroace style. "I have ibuprofen," aroace style. "don't forget your meds," aroace style.
platonic swag, if you will.
#platonic swag#aroace style#aroace#aromantic#aromanitc#aromantism#aromance#asexual#asexuality#i love you asexuality i love you fluctuating sex drive i love a satisfying lable i love easily communicatable orientation#aroace appreciation#platonic#platonic love#jacob !#lgbt awareness#lgbtq community#lgbtq
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Taking a steroid pulse to hopefully get my pain flare up under control. Lets hope this actually helps and doesn't make me feel awful 👍🏻
#h talks#last time I tried a new med I was so dizzy I had to call out from work lol and I stayed dizzy for like 3 days#and this is my first time taking prednisone so. . that'll be fun#my fingers have been swollen and achy for like 4 days I can't fucking do anything its pissing me off#can't study because I can't type or write. can hardly drive. can't play with my dogs. can't do any sort of gaming or crafts#I can hardly even clean like gripping the vacuum or the duster or washing dishes all hurts#its ok I'm fine its all good I can manage it and hopefully this will help
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