#drarry humor

[iamnmbr3]

Draco: Harry, come quickly. There's a snake in here.

Harry: There's a snake. In our bedroom?

Draco: Yes! I need you to get rid of it. It's an emergency.

Harry: How did it get all the way in there I wonder?

Draco: How should I know?

Harry: Couldn't you just vanish it?

Draco: No. I've...ah... *throws wand across the room* I've lost my wand.... Hurry. It looks highly venomous.

Harry: Does it? Funny how this keeps happening. You're sure it has nothing to do with the fact that you like it when I speak Parseltongue?

Draco: ...

Draco: Are you going to save me or not?

Harry *in Parseltongue*: Yes Draco. I'll save you from the terrible deadly serpent. I can't believe I married someone who brings snakes into our house. I suppose it's better than falling in love with someone convenient. I'd've been so bored.

[risafeywritesdrarry]

When writing fanfiction... there are two beasts that wage war within the writer. *sage nod*

[blakeblueboi]

The sitchie being bullying Harry and the impies being his big fat crush on one (1) Harry Potter

Please this was so funny in my head

[thusspoketrish]

FIC CLAIM — HD MUGGLE FAN FAIR 2024!

Netflix and Chills

Rated E - 20K

Halloween might be over, but the tricks, treats, and heat between the sheets are just beginning for our favorite dynamic duo. As always, thank you to the @hd-fan-fair mods for a fantastic fest and my dear friend and beta @youknowyoudid for whipping this fic into shape.

Tags: Post-Second Wizarding War. EWE. Drarry in the Muggle World. Established Relationship. Snarky Draco Malfoy. Muggle Technology. Slice of Life. Humor. Romance. Domestic Fluff. Pop Culture References. Shenanigans. Halloween Night. Netflix and Chill. Banter. Mystery. Idiots in Love. Light Dom/Sub Elements. Dirty Talk. Blue Ball Hell.

Summary: When Draco innocently asks what "Netflix and Chill" means, Harry simply can't pass up the opportunity to impart some knowledge while demonstrating a masterclass in the art of seduction. Now, if only those plans weren't constantly interrupted by trick-or-treaters—some of them far more trick than treat.

READ ON AO3!

[aibidil]

"Harry, for fuck's sake!" Ginny said when she finally stopped laughing. "It isn't a big deal. It was ages ago."

Harry turned an incredulous look to Draco. "Do you hear this? She tells us she faked orgasms with me and then she says it's no big deal?!"

Draco patted Harry's shoulder as condescendingly as he could manage. "There, there. You suck cock swimmingly. One can't excel at everything, after all."

New fic: The Mango 1.7k, T, plot based on the Seinfeld episode of the same name Pairing: Draco/Harry (established relationship), past Harry/Ginny, borderline if you don't like it Draco/Harry/Ginny Content: consensual non-monogamy, discussion of oral sex, wounded pride, faked orgasms, unjealous Draco, this fic is a sitcom episode lol Note on pairings/content: I'm tagging D/H/G more as a warning for people who don't like it than an enticement for people who do—there's no endgame D/H/G and HD are in a solid relationship. That said, if you are squicked by D/H/G, I'd recommend not reading. Although really this fic is just humor. So, you know yourself best—proceed accordingly.

Read it on ao3!

[nathancomet]

Drarry/Harco Mini Fanfic #4

Harry and Draco are playing a big board game with their friends, a lively debate breaks out between the two of them.

Draco: “Harry, I love you, but you’re an idiot.”

*Stunned silence*

Harry: “…You love me?”

Draco: *Blushes, runs out of the room at top speed*

Harry: “What-! Get back here you prat!”

*Their friends fall into hysterical laughter as Harry runs to catch his mortified boyfriend*

[hp-fanfic-archive]

Symbiosis by fireflavored Pairing: Harry/Draco Rating: E Word Count: 20k sym·bi·o·sis (sĩm'bē-ō'sĩs) n. Biology A close, prolonged association between two or more different organisms of different species that may, but does not necessarily, benefit each member.

[demonhuntingcaterpillar]

I listen to fanfic audiobooks at work. Sometimes my boss will come up to me mid chapter with a serious question. I try to nonchalantly listen and respond while two Harry Potter characters are in my Bluetooth earpiece like:

[none-pet]

Draco Malfoy and… how doing things again may cause headaches.

... Or how Harry had his gay awakening. _______________________________________________ Little snippet from my Fic - Part 4 Draco Malfoy and… how doing things again may cause headaches. Chapter 6 _______________________________________________

The Abraxas horses came into view and the Beauxbatons delegation soon came out of the carriage. All clad in those flimsy and elegant blue robes that, for some reason, had Harry imagining Draco on. He was sure the blonde would look stunning in them, he was just as pretty as Fleur and Draco had long legs - Harry was pretty sure that pants cut would look amazing on him… Wait, what?

He almost missed the Drumstrang entrance, shocked by his own musings, but the excited pack of children - and Ron’s insistent chatter  - got him out of his thoughts. 

The ship’s mast was cutting through the lake’s surface, showing itself in its grandeur.

Better suited for winter, the Drumstrang students came out and showed their red uniforms with no little amount of pride - giving Harry another unwanted mental image of Draco on foreign school uniforms that he pushed back as he was herded inside for supper.

He mostly ignored Ron and Hermione’s bickering, as his mind was reeling. 

What the fuck?

In an objective standpoint, Harry was aware that Draco was beautiful - in that somewhat androgynous fashion where depending on what he was wearing could look both pretty and/or handsome - but his thoughts of it were just observations - not actually opinions.

Was he attracted to Draco? Romantically? Perhaps sexually?

No, that was dumb… right?

----------------------------------------------------------

Hope YOU LIKE IT!

[drarrily-we-row-along]

Sweet and Sour

“How can you always order the same thing?” Draco asked.

Harry shrugged and continued eating his sweet and sour chicken, “I just find the thing I like and I stick with it.” He smirked at him, “A lot like you.”

“What?”

“You’re what I like, other people’s opinion be damned.”

Written for the @microficmay prompt: sweet and sour (read more of my microfic may drarry fics)

[k-kizkhalifa]

The Little Office With The Entrance In The Back

Summary: Harry and Draco are married and living in a small town in Muggle UK called Oldham, and Draco is bored of their Muggle life but, not because it is a Muggle life. He understands why they're living a Muggle life, but no because he is missing something he didn't know he was missing until he came across a very specific genre of movies and books and media, and Harry was just happy to see him smiling again. Tags: CW Mention of Murder, CW Mention of Blood, Cross dressing - exploration (at the moment), Implied slash fiction, a little bit of unhinged!Draco, little bit of a toxic-relationship, humor(?)*, Hitman!AU, a little angst in there (I KNOW BUT IT IS ME WE'RE TALKING ABOUT.) A/N: Y'all I made a mention, @klinefelterrible gave me life, and I probably did something else entirely. Anyway, this may be a one-off, or it may be a collab project (hopeful). (Title is long, will probably change.) ~ kiz

*I'm not as funny as Terrible, so like forgive that and expect some dialogue changes if they still want to work with me on this collab after reading this intro/background. Eh.

Introduction:

The Muggle way of life was everything Harry remembered, but didn’t necessarily miss during his years of learning how to navigate the Wizarding World, but he couldn’t deny there were times it was easier in the Muggle world. For one? He was just Harry -- or Potter, to Draco; but he was just Harry to everyone else.

Harry who now worked down the road in the little office with the only entrance in the back. Yes, that Harry, still, just Harry. Harry in the dark cloak, and sometimes seen with a little wooden stick. No one knew though just where he came from. How he came about. One day, just there, setting up shop, with his husband. 

Draco drew much more attention, at least when they first arrived in Oldham. The beautiful white-blonde haired man with those intense gray eyes and a sneer at most anyone who ever dared to approach. It wasn’t so much that Draco didn’t want to get to know anyone, he just didn’t. He was a little cautious, a little on the safer side. He gave up everything for them to be where they were. Harry away from the spotlight, and Draco maybe a bit on the run. Harry wasn’t blind to it, the way over the last few months life seemed to disinterest his husband. 

Draco had tried everything he could to understand the Muggle ways, so much so that they didn’t use magic much anymore, and then Draco found movies. He had always been one to read, he really enjoyed it and oftentimes would tear through books in little to no time, Harry wondered how he even enjoyed them with the rate at which he consumed them. 

Then the movies. 

Pulp Fiction, though a few years old at the time Draco found it, had captivated him. Paired with another movie he had watched more times than Harry could even attempt to count, something called Fallen Angels. Draco had quickly become so interested in these stories and everything he could find into this newly introduced way of the world of crime, murder, on-the-run-.... Harry tried to be patient and understanding that this was something that Draco felt he could resonate with. That this life was something he understood, in some way. Though, he wasn’t sure he had ever actually killed someone, but he knew in all actuality there were parallels. 

He wasn’t blind to that. 

Harry was not blind at all to those simple facts. At all.

As they stood there, Draco in an outfit Harry had never seen him in before. Some ridiculous retaliation to a comment Harry made in passing as they walked by a shop, a few days ago. A dark gray dress with a slit up the side clinging to the model mannequin and a comment about how good Draco could wear that same exact outfit. 

Harry would like to say he wasn’t shocked when Draco Malfoy walked out of their shared bedroom in the dress, and a pair of rather tall heels, but no, Harry had nearly fainted at the sight. Barely allowing Draco out of the house, and only doing so when the man growled out that he looked too good to be stuck inside for the night when they already had plans. 

Plans at the queer bar in uptown. They had never been, but Draco was all about trying new things since Pulp Fiction and Fallen Angels and whatever those new books he was consuming at lightning speed were suggesting in his mind. 

Harry still didn’t understand how it went from just movies and books and any other media he could get his hands on at the idea of being a criminal murdering people...to where they were now.

Right, right. Back to it. Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter standing there on an empty sidestreet around 1:45 AM in Oldham. 

“What the fuck, Draco?” Harry breathed out as he stared down at the lifeless body laying in the street before them. 

“I told you I would do it.” 

“YO-- You can’t just go around-- Draco!” Harry whipped around in shock, staring at his husband. “You killed him.” 

“I told you three drinks ago if he asked you to dance again, I would kill him.” Draco said simply, “he asked you to dance again.” Harry blinked, glancing back at the body before him. He had seen Death before, sure, of course, he had... well, but this was different. This was Draco Malfoy killing someone, more importantly this was his spouse killing someone. 

“Draco.” Harry took a breath, tilting his head back and looking up towards the dark sky, “you have to be fucking kidding me right now.” 

Draco extended a leg, nudging the arm of the man with his heel before making a face, “he got blood on my dress.” 

“You don’t fucking say?” Harry, still focused on the sky, snapped at him. “You sliced him from ear to ear.”

Draco didn’t answer, not for a moment, and Harry didn’t look. He couldn’t. Not right then. Because his only thought was, he is fucking insane. Harry had seen it, the moment it happened, the smile that flashed across his face as lunged forward quick and nimble, even in the high heels. The smile reflected the feeling on when a joint pops -- you know the tension in your ankle as you stretch and roll it slowly and pop there it was, the relief. That’s what the smile told Harry. The relief that Draco seemed to be searching for. 

“Are you mad?” 

“I’m not ecstatic, if that is what you are asking, Draco.” 

“No, I-- Look, I mean you’re either going to help me with this, or you’re not.” 

“Or I’m not.” Harry said evenly, giving him a once over, “this is your fault.” 

“Mm,” Draco nodded, “my fault?” 

“You’re the one that did it, right? Your fault.” 

Draco sighed, and gave a look around, before pulling out his wand. He gave himself a once over clean, very focused on the blood staining his dress before stowing his wand again. Harry fought back a laugh, despite everything that had happened over the last ten minutes, because lord knew he didn’t check his surroundings before cutting the man’s throat. My husband is insane, Harry thought while watching him clean himself off, I mean, absolutely insane. 

“SO,” Draco said suddenly, “at least carry him for me, I’ll put... your jacket over him.” 

Harry shook his head, “I am not dealing with this.” 

Draco narrowed his eyes, offering a pout, “you’re just going to leave me out here, alone, on a Saturday night?” 

“I think you can handle yourself,” Harry rolled his eyes. 

“Potter!” He whined, stomping his foot, the sound of his heel clacking loudly on the pavement. Harry flushed in excitement, his body responding and for once he might have hated himself for that response. “I’ll do that thing you like.” 

“Which thing?” 

“You know, the one I don’t.” 

“I don’t think there is anything you don’t like, Draco.” 

Draco sighed, and folded his arms, “just help me.” 

“This is it,” Harry jerked his jacket off, tossed it over the bleeding, dead man on the ground and bent to heave him up. “Don’t talk to a single fucking person.” 

“There is no one out here,” Draco answered, happy as Harry turned and led them down the road, “where are we going?” 

“How am I supposed to know? You tell me, you’ve been studying for this, apparently.” 

Draco laughed, Harry glared. “Sorry, sorry,” the blonde said softly, “I... it just happened Potter.” 

“No, you told me you wanted to do it and then you did it. That is a planned murder.” 

Draco glanced around, spotting off to the left 10 or so dumpsters behind a locked gated fence. “Over there.” 

“Someone will find him,” Harry said, though he followed as instructed. He was always very good at listening to instructions. 

“I mean we’re Wizards aren’t we? We can get all our evidence gone.” Draco said, his wand out again, and Harry watched the gate open and they stepped in. “Oh gods.” The blonde groaned, covering his nose, “hurry up!” 

Harry fought the urge to give him a look of annoyance, and he heaved the man off his shoulder to the ground near his feet, peeling his coat from his bloody upper body. “Do your magic then, Draco.” He said with a wave, stepping back slowly, to give Draco some space. 

“Who is there?” 

Harry froze, and Draco stood there, looking over his shoulder as he slipped his wand away. “I saw you open the gate!” The voice met them again, before light flooded them and the sound of a gun cocking.

“We were just... uh, having some fun.” Draco said, peering around Harry. “Right, honey?” 

“Yeah, fun.” Harry nodded and turned around slowly, arms raised. “Just fun.” 

“In the tras-- is that a body?” 

“No.” “Yes.” 

Harry fought back a groan, fuck! Draco gave them a very passive look. 

“You killed that man, and brought him here to dump?” 

Neither answered that time. 

“Stay,” he said, and Harry watched as he gave a wave to someone off to the side. “I got someone for you to meet.”

Draco glanced over at Harry with that smile. That relieved smile on his face. That the joint just popped smile right across his beautiful alabaster face, his gray eyes bright and playful for the first time in months, hell maybe even a year. Harry didn’t know, but it had been so long since he had seen his husband like that, since he had seen his Draco like that. He felt his heart stutter, love filling him all over again. 

“Good thing we’re Wizards, eh?” Draco winked.  

After the ‘someone for them to meet’, a guy named Darian, talked them into employment, really it wasn’t like Draco needed much convincing. It was Harry that needed it the most,  and love, some of the most cliche shit he could ever think of, won over in the end. 

Or, maybe it was the relief that Draco felt. The playfulness in his eyes, the smile on his lips. Harry lost enough more than once to the world, he wasn’t in the habit do it anymore. He wanted Draco safe, and he wanted to see that smile. No matter the cause of it. 

So, he was Harry. Just Harry, that Harry.

In some Muggle town with the little office and the only entrance to the building in the back walking in with his dark cloak, and two cups of coffee, greeting his husband with a kiss and a good morning as he drummed his long black nails on the desk while on the phone, using some codeword for money, and some codeword for killing, and come codeword for they’d be available that evening to check it out.

[iamnmbr3]

It's still amazing to me that Harry sees Draco being forced to torture Rowle and not only immediately believes that he's being coerced and doesn't blame him but is more upset by what he sees than by any other vision in book 7. Not because of the torture. But because he feels bad for Draco. It was basically like...

Harry: I just had the most horrible vision. I saw Voldemort ordering Draco to torture Rowle. It was awful!

Ron: Yeah I guess even if Rowle is a Death Eater it's still terrible seeing someone getting tortured.

Harry: What? No! Who tf cares about Rowle? Not me! It's Draco-

Hermione: Of course! It must be upsetting to see that someone we grew up knowing could become a Death Eater and carry out such evil acts of-

Harry: -He looks so upset! I can't believe he has to go through this. Do you think he'll be ok?

Ron & Hermione: ...

*1 year later during 8th year*

Harry: I have something to tell you both. About me... And Malfoy.

Ron & Hermione deadpan, in unison without even looking up from what they're doing: You're dating.

Harry: How did you know?!

Ron: Let's just say there were a few signs.

[helpmeimblorboing]

Fandom : Harry Potter

Genre: Comedy/Romance

Summary : "

“Fine !!”, Ron held up his hands in a placating gesture, “Fine. But at least teach him how to date men !!”

“Teach him..”, Draco repeated, squinting his eyes at the red-headed hero, “…what ? You… what ?”

“Listen, his… and mine, I’ll admit… social skills are… stunted… to say the least”, Ron grumbled, “because of ya know.. the whole prophecy.. and the Dark Lord.. and…”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it..”, Draco held up a hand to halt the fount of words, “and.. you want me to teach him how to date someone”

“Yes”

Draco Malfoy hates his life after the fall of Voldemort. Forced to work a mundane office job and treated like shit by the Wizarding World at large, his life is a constant bar of bland, boring nothingness. Nothing new, nothing interesting - same old insults, same old people spitting at him on the streets. At least, until Ron Weasley comes to him with a proposal - what do you mean, pretend date Potter ??

Title : Dating Classes

Link : https://archiveofourown.org/works/51650695/chapters/130563808

[sitp-recs]

Hi liv!

First up looove your reclists! I read through so many in your pinned post and whenever you rec something I gotta check it out even if at first it doesn’t seem like my thing - and you’ve never steered me wrong!

If you like, I would love some recs for really cheeky, snarky sharp-tongued maybe posh/high society Draco!

Im thinking of the hilarious draco in Luckiest Fucking Size Queen Alive by loveglowsinthedark it just always makes me laugh or Nights with you by the_sinking_ship for something that’s currently ongoing.

I just love myself some fun and snark (and occasional smutt👀) sooo maybe you can help me find more?

Anyway, hope you’re doinh well!

Love

Vik

Hi Vik, thanks for the lovely message! Your ask truly made my night 🥰 love those bangers by @l0vegl0wsinthedark and @the-sinking-ship btw, Size Queen is a classic and I’m so hooked on Nights already, the UST is killing me! I can’t wait for next Sunday after that cliffhanger 😩

I also adore snarky posh Draco even if I don’t read crack-y fics very often, here are some of my favourites. Enjoy!

Student Digs by Lokifan (2016, E, 4k)

Harry’s living in *student accommodation*. Just the phrase makes Draco shudder.

Stand Back: I'm About to Perform Archaeology by Blowfish_Diaries (2018, E, 9.7k)

A new Muggle Studies professor takes the Eighth Year students to work on an archaeological excavation. In which Draco is lazy, Harry is sweaty, Hermione is drunk, and Ron turns red.

On Target by @the-sinking-ship (2021, E, 13k)

A charity dunk tank, some sorry excuses for friends, a Slytherin with freakishly good aim, a (mostly) empty locker room, and one very small towel. Because, apparently, everyone is dying to get Harry Potter wet.

An Act of Kindness for One Harry Potter by a Sympathetic Draco Malfoy by 0idontknow0 (2014, E, 15k)

As Draco leaned on the wall to wait for them to get dressed, he could not help feeling like he had done a very kind thing by disrupting them. Someone should give Potter a better rogering than that sorry sod had.

Reparatio by astolat (2016, E, 17k)

Draco snorted. “I’m not reduced to penury. I want something considerably beyond money, and I rather think you’re the only one can give it to me.”

Meddling, Menswear, and Magic by @writcraft (2022, M, 18k)

Draco Malfoy is working in a job he hates and avoiding the magical world entirely, but he really is fine. When a bequest from Severus Snape brings Draco back to a much-changed magical world, he must find his place within it and navigate his growing attraction to Harry Potter in the process.

amid this warm and steady sweetness by warmfoothills (2019, E, 21k)

Harry is not living in a period drama, no matter what his friends or his new house or Malfoy’s sudden affinity for horse-riding might suggest, and if one more person uses the word courting, he’s going to start hexing people.

Slithering by astolat (2016, E, 27k)

Draco found the nest down in the Manor’s cellars, while he was clearing them out.

Bite Me, Hate Memes by pir8fancier (2007, E, 44k)

Draco Malfoy is incensed to realize that someone is trying to usurp his position as the premier Harry Potter hater.

Stately Homes of Wiltshire by waspabi (2016, E, 57k)

Malfoy Manor has mould, dry rot and an infestation of unusually historical poltergeists. Harry Potter is on the case.

The Trouble with Wanting by waldorph (2021, E, 60k)

Draco Malfoy is cleared of all charges; this is what happens next.

What We Pretend We Can't See by gyzym (2017, M, 131k)

Seven years out from the war, Harry learns the hard truth of old history: it’s never quite as far behind you as you thought.

[thusspoketrish]

LCDrarry 2024 FIC REVEAL!!!!!

YAY!!! I had an absolute blast writing this story! Thank you to everyone who took time to read, leave kudos, and comment on it—your support means the world to me! A huge shout out to the @lcdrarry Mods for their kindness and for hosting another brilliant year! It takes a village to craft a story with love, and wow, did my village deliver! I’m endlessly grateful for the patience, love, and support from my amazing alpha, betas, and reader throughout this experience! I want to give a special thanks to my BFF @dewitty1 for being the best alpha in the entire world. Seriously, this fic wouldn't exist without their support, brilliance, and creativity in helping me tell Draco's wild story of reluctant fatherhood!

This is my Three Men & a Baby meets Taken (1) inspired story, featuring: BAMF!Draco who is also an adorably anxious bean, a Harry bursting with love and sass, and our favorite Ron, who’s both capable and emotionally intelligent! Together, they form an unbeatable BROMANCE! 

Expect a tender Drarry love story with heartfelt confessions, hilarious baby shenanigans, protective Draco moments, and an Auror case that’s totally out of this world! Join our dear boys in an action-packed, heartwarming kid-fic (no one asked for) you never knew you needed!!!

This has been a true labour of love, and I'm so grateful for the experience! I hope this story has brought (and will continue to bring) you all as much joy in reading it as it has brought me in writing it! Thank you again and here's to many more stories and adventures ahead!!!

READ IT ON AO3 HERE.

A Ferret, a ScarHead, a Weasel, and a Baby

Prompt: "Three Men and a Baby", 1987, Leonard Nimoy & "Taken", 2008, Pierre Morel Author: trishjames Word Count: 91,420 words Rating: Explicit Warnings: Angst, Anxiety, Epic Fight Scene(s), Canon-Typical Violence, Hand-to-Hand Combat, Blood, Muggle Weapons, References to Past Child Abuse, Abduction, Injuries

Summary: They say becoming a parent is an unparalleled, priceless joy. Draco Malfoy finds himself putting that theory to the test when the star witness in his dangerous illegal potions case entrusts him with a powerful wish: protect her newborn baby at all costs. Now, it's up to Draco to fulfill that wish despite the looming threat of criminals hunting for the child. To think, just the day before, he was fretting over his inappropriate feelings for his annoying, bespectacled git of a housemate—not the mechanics of changing nappies!

Thank Merlin it takes a village to raise a sack of flour, ah, child.

[gallifrey1sburning]

Went away for a while, came back to go full multi-fandom and confuse TF out of everyone as they try to remember where they followed me from in the first place