#drarry humor

[iamnmbr3]

Draco: Harry, come quickly. There's a snake in here.

Harry: There's a snake. In our bedroom?

Draco: Yes! I need you to get rid of it. It's an emergency.

Harry: How did it get all the way in there I wonder?

Draco: How should I know?

Harry: Couldn't you just vanish it?

Draco: No. I've...ah... *throws wand across the room* I've lost my wand.... Hurry. It looks highly venomous.

Harry: Does it? Funny how this keeps happening. You're sure it has nothing to do with the fact that you like it when I speak Parseltongue?

Draco: ...

Draco: Are you going to save me or not?

Harry *in Parseltongue*: Yes Draco. I'll save you from the terrible deadly serpent. I can't believe I married someone who brings snakes into our house. I suppose it's better than falling in love with someone convenient. I'd've been so bored.

[risafeywritesdrarry]

When writing fanfiction... there are two beasts that wage war within the writer. *sage nod*

[blakeblueboi]

The sitchie being bullying Harry and the impies being his big fat crush on one (1) Harry Potter

Please this was so funny in my head

[nathancomet]

Drarry/Harco Mini Fanfic #4

Harry and Draco are playing a big board game with their friends, a lively debate breaks out between the two of them.

Draco: “Harry, I love you, but you’re an idiot.”

*Stunned silence*

Harry: “…You love me?”

Draco: *Blushes, runs out of the room at top speed*

Harry: “What-! Get back here you prat!”

*Their friends fall into hysterical laughter as Harry runs to catch his mortified boyfriend*

[thusspoketrish]

LCDrarry 2024 FIC REVEAL!!!!!

YAY!!! I had an absolute blast writing this story! Thank you to everyone who took time to read, leave kudos, and comment on it—your support means the world to me! A huge shout out to the @lcdrarry Mods for their kindness and for hosting another brilliant year! It takes a village to craft a story with love, and wow, did my village deliver! I’m endlessly grateful for the patience, love, and support from my amazing alpha, betas, and reader throughout this experience! I want to give a special thanks to my BFF @dewitty1 for being the best alpha in the entire world. Seriously, this fic wouldn't exist without their support, brilliance, and creativity in helping me tell Draco's wild story of reluctant fatherhood!

This is my Three Men & a Baby meets Taken (1) inspired story, featuring: BAMF!Draco who is also an adorably anxious bean, a Harry bursting with love and sass, and our favorite Ron, who’s both capable and emotionally intelligent! Together, they form an unbeatable BROMANCE! 

Expect a tender Drarry love story with heartfelt confessions, hilarious baby shenanigans, protective Draco moments, and an Auror case that’s totally out of this world! Join our dear boys in an action-packed, heartwarming kid-fic (no one asked for) you never knew you needed!!!

This has been a true labour of love, and I'm so grateful for the experience! I hope this story has brought (and will continue to bring) you all as much joy in reading it as it has brought me in writing it! Thank you again and here's to many more stories and adventures ahead!!!

READ IT ON AO3 HERE.

A Ferret, a ScarHead, a Weasel, and a Baby

Prompt: "Three Men and a Baby", 1987, Leonard Nimoy & "Taken", 2008, Pierre Morel Author: trishjames Word Count: 91,420 words Rating: Explicit Warnings: Angst, Anxiety, Epic Fight Scene(s), Canon-Typical Violence, Hand-to-Hand Combat, Blood, Muggle Weapons, References to Past Child Abuse, Abduction, Injuries

Summary: They say becoming a parent is an unparalleled, priceless joy. Draco Malfoy finds himself putting that theory to the test when the star witness in his dangerous illegal potions case entrusts him with a powerful wish: protect her newborn baby at all costs. Now, it's up to Draco to fulfill that wish despite the looming threat of criminals hunting for the child. To think, just the day before, he was fretting over his inappropriate feelings for his annoying, bespectacled git of a housemate—not the mechanics of changing nappies!

Thank Merlin it takes a village to raise a sack of flour, ah, child.

[hp-fanfic-archive]

Symbiosis by fireflavored Pairing: Harry/Draco Rating: E Word Count: 20k sym·bi·o·sis (sĩm'bē-ō'sĩs) n. Biology A close, prolonged association between two or more different organisms of different species that may, but does not necessarily, benefit each member.

[none-pet]

Draco Malfoy and… how doing things again may cause headaches.

... Or how Harry had his gay awakening. _______________________________________________ Little snippet from my Fic - Part 4 Draco Malfoy and… how doing things again may cause headaches. Chapter 6 _______________________________________________

The Abraxas horses came into view and the Beauxbatons delegation soon came out of the carriage. All clad in those flimsy and elegant blue robes that, for some reason, had Harry imagining Draco on. He was sure the blonde would look stunning in them, he was just as pretty as Fleur and Draco had long legs - Harry was pretty sure that pants cut would look amazing on him… Wait, what?

He almost missed the Drumstrang entrance, shocked by his own musings, but the excited pack of children - and Ron’s insistent chatter  - got him out of his thoughts. 

The ship’s mast was cutting through the lake’s surface, showing itself in its grandeur.

Better suited for winter, the Drumstrang students came out and showed their red uniforms with no little amount of pride - giving Harry another unwanted mental image of Draco on foreign school uniforms that he pushed back as he was herded inside for supper.

He mostly ignored Ron and Hermione’s bickering, as his mind was reeling. 

What the fuck?

In an objective standpoint, Harry was aware that Draco was beautiful - in that somewhat androgynous fashion where depending on what he was wearing could look both pretty and/or handsome - but his thoughts of it were just observations - not actually opinions.

Was he attracted to Draco? Romantically? Perhaps sexually?

No, that was dumb… right?

----------------------------------------------------------

Hope YOU LIKE IT!

[drarrily-we-row-along]

Sweet and Sour

“How can you always order the same thing?” Draco asked.

Harry shrugged and continued eating his sweet and sour chicken, “I just find the thing I like and I stick with it.” He smirked at him, “A lot like you.”

“What?”

“You’re what I like, other people’s opinion be damned.”

Written for the @microficmay prompt: sweet and sour (read more of my microfic may drarry fics)

[demonhuntingcaterpillar]

I listen to fanfic audiobooks at work. Sometimes my boss will come up to me mid chapter with a serious question. I try to nonchalantly listen and respond while two Harry Potter characters are in my Bluetooth earpiece like:

[helpmeimblorboing]

Fandom : Harry Potter

Genre: Comedy/Romance

Summary : "

“Fine !!”, Ron held up his hands in a placating gesture, “Fine. But at least teach him how to date men !!”

“Teach him..”, Draco repeated, squinting his eyes at the red-headed hero, “…what ? You… what ?”

“Listen, his… and mine, I’ll admit… social skills are… stunted… to say the least”, Ron grumbled, “because of ya know.. the whole prophecy.. and the Dark Lord.. and…”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it..”, Draco held up a hand to halt the fount of words, “and.. you want me to teach him how to date someone”

“Yes”

Draco Malfoy hates his life after the fall of Voldemort. Forced to work a mundane office job and treated like shit by the Wizarding World at large, his life is a constant bar of bland, boring nothingness. Nothing new, nothing interesting - same old insults, same old people spitting at him on the streets. At least, until Ron Weasley comes to him with a proposal - what do you mean, pretend date Potter ??

Title : Dating Classes

Link : https://archiveofourown.org/works/51650695/chapters/130563808

[sitp-recs]

Hi liv!

First up looove your reclists! I read through so many in your pinned post and whenever you rec something I gotta check it out even if at first it doesn’t seem like my thing - and you’ve never steered me wrong!

If you like, I would love some recs for really cheeky, snarky sharp-tongued maybe posh/high society Draco!

Im thinking of the hilarious draco in Luckiest Fucking Size Queen Alive by loveglowsinthedark it just always makes me laugh or Nights with you by the_sinking_ship for something that’s currently ongoing.

I just love myself some fun and snark (and occasional smutt👀) sooo maybe you can help me find more?

Anyway, hope you’re doinh well!

Love

Vik

Hi Vik, thanks for the lovely message! Your ask truly made my night 🥰 love those bangers by @l0vegl0wsinthedark and @the-sinking-ship btw, Size Queen is a classic and I’m so hooked on Nights already, the UST is killing me! I can’t wait for next Sunday after that cliffhanger 😩

I also adore snarky posh Draco even if I don’t read crack-y fics very often, here are some of my favourites. Enjoy!

Student Digs by Lokifan (2016, E, 4k)

Harry’s living in *student accommodation*. Just the phrase makes Draco shudder.

Stand Back: I'm About to Perform Archaeology by Blowfish_Diaries (2018, E, 9.7k)

A new Muggle Studies professor takes the Eighth Year students to work on an archaeological excavation. In which Draco is lazy, Harry is sweaty, Hermione is drunk, and Ron turns red.

On Target by @the-sinking-ship (2021, E, 13k)

A charity dunk tank, some sorry excuses for friends, a Slytherin with freakishly good aim, a (mostly) empty locker room, and one very small towel. Because, apparently, everyone is dying to get Harry Potter wet.

An Act of Kindness for One Harry Potter by a Sympathetic Draco Malfoy by 0idontknow0 (2014, E, 15k)

As Draco leaned on the wall to wait for them to get dressed, he could not help feeling like he had done a very kind thing by disrupting them. Someone should give Potter a better rogering than that sorry sod had.

Reparatio by astolat (2016, E, 17k)

Draco snorted. “I’m not reduced to penury. I want something considerably beyond money, and I rather think you’re the only one can give it to me.”

Meddling, Menswear, and Magic by @writcraft (2022, M, 18k)

Draco Malfoy is working in a job he hates and avoiding the magical world entirely, but he really is fine. When a bequest from Severus Snape brings Draco back to a much-changed magical world, he must find his place within it and navigate his growing attraction to Harry Potter in the process.

amid this warm and steady sweetness by warmfoothills (2019, E, 21k)

Harry is not living in a period drama, no matter what his friends or his new house or Malfoy’s sudden affinity for horse-riding might suggest, and if one more person uses the word courting, he’s going to start hexing people.

Slithering by astolat (2016, E, 27k)

Draco found the nest down in the Manor’s cellars, while he was clearing them out.

Bite Me, Hate Memes by pir8fancier (2007, E, 44k)

Draco Malfoy is incensed to realize that someone is trying to usurp his position as the premier Harry Potter hater.

Stately Homes of Wiltshire by waspabi (2016, E, 57k)

Malfoy Manor has mould, dry rot and an infestation of unusually historical poltergeists. Harry Potter is on the case.

The Trouble with Wanting by waldorph (2021, E, 60k)

Draco Malfoy is cleared of all charges; this is what happens next.

What We Pretend We Can't See by gyzym (2017, M, 131k)

Seven years out from the war, Harry learns the hard truth of old history: it’s never quite as far behind you as you thought.

[iamnmbr3]

It's still amazing to me that Harry sees Draco being forced to torture Rowle and not only immediately believes that he's being coerced and doesn't blame him but is more upset by what he sees than by any other vision in book 7. Not because of the torture. But because he feels bad for Draco. It was basically like...

Harry: I just had the most horrible vision. I saw Voldemort ordering Draco to torture Rowle. It was awful!

Ron: Yeah I guess even if Rowle is a Death Eater it's still terrible seeing someone getting tortured.

Harry: What? No! Who tf cares about Rowle? Not me! It's Draco-

Hermione: Of course! It must be upsetting to see that someone we grew up knowing could become a Death Eater and carry out such evil acts of-

Harry: -He looks so upset! I can't believe he has to go through this. Do you think he'll be ok?

Ron & Hermione: ...

*1 year later during 8th year*

Harry: I have something to tell you both. About me... And Malfoy.

Ron & Hermione deadpan, in unison without even looking up from what they're doing: You're dating.

Harry: How did you know?!

Ron: Let's just say there were a few signs.

[gallifrey1sburning]

Went away for a while, came back to go full multi-fandom and confuse TF out of everyone as they try to remember where they followed me from in the first place

[hazelmaines]

This is NOT a slow burn long-fic, it's a 6.5k one-shot with a silly title, written in support of @fandomstrikesback! Probably the most fun I've had writing in a while. Drarry Forever, indeed. The fundraising efforts in this fic are inspired by a real fund: Green Envelope Grocery Aid!

"Facial asymmetry?" Harry mutters. "Meaning a tiny deviation of your septum that makes you no longer look like an AI portrait of a human being?" Malfoy snorts. "Good," he mutters. "Do not get me started on AI. Bad enough they have the damned things scraping my AO3 account – " "Your what?" Harry cuts him off. "Is that some kind of nepo baby dating app?" Malfoy looks deeply offended, a little snarl lifting his top lip. "I do not require an app to find dates, Potter. What is wrong with you? Are you legitimately unacquainted with An Archive Of Our Own?"

(Read on AO3)

[thusspoketrish]

Excerpt from This Year's Love

“So. What’s it like?”

“What’s what like?”

Draco shrugs. “Doing what you do. With the people you meet.”  

“I mean...what’s there to say? You meet someone, you take them out to lunch or dinner, then you decide that if you like each other enough, maybe you’ll go to a club or a dive bar. You make the other person feel special and taken care of. Then you go back to their place, fuck, and then, well...wonder how long you have to lie there before you can go home.”

Draco splutters, slapping a hand against his chest. “I’m sorry... that’s what goes through your head after fucking someone?”

“Yeah, most of the time. I tell them I have things I need to do...early meeting...or work to get to. Then, to end the whole ordeal on a sweet note, I give them a kiss on the forehead.”

“That’s your modus operandi?”

Harry shrugs.

“Oh, wow, you’re not joking,” Draco says faintly.

“How long do you like to be held?” Harry asks, teasing. Draco’s cheeks pinken. “I bet you like to be held all night.”

“You’re a fucking pig, Potter,” Draco says, ducking his head and taking another swig from his glass.

“I just like things how I like them,” Harry says.

This Year's Love (AO3)

[hp-fanfic-archive]

Project (or Curse?) by venis_envy Pairing: Harry/Draco Rating: M Word Count: 21k In order to build trust and inter-house unity, the Ministry School Board has designed an obligatory N.E.W.T. project for the eighth year students. Paired off, each team will be assigned a Charmed puffskein and required to share a room with their “families” throughout the term. If they all survive that long.