#doubting myself yet again
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the most difficult thing about growing as a person socially, as in getting out of your shell and noticing that you are, is that there will still be times when it doesn’t feel like you’ve grown at all! times when you can’t really connect with anyone around you, times when you fail to enter into an existing conversation, times when you say the wrong thing (or nothing at all when in hindsight you probably should’ve). but that’s also kind of the best thing, because that’s the thing that helps you realize that sometimes, it’s not you or your lack of skills or any shortcoming. sometimes certain environments just aren’t for you and certain people aren’t your people, and that’s okay. that’s human. it’s okay to not feel the progress you have made all the time.
#and that goes for every type of growth#backstory of this post:#after I came back after a few months of doing my international internship I felt so much more confident#it was easier making friends and walking up to people#i took more chances#and generally just heard it a lot from those around me who kept telling me how much i’d changed#this was further supported by my first office job that went pretty well#but then came my grad internship. and while i love the work and have met some great people I noticed it was difficult again#there was one office lunch where no one spoke to me at all! it was my first week and I didn’t know what to say#if i should even say anything#we were all sitting at the same table#not one person even glanced my way#it made me doubt myself; i was doing so well before#was that even real? why can’t I just speak up? this is not the way to connect with people#especially in my first week!#but you know what#i was still doing well. i just had to factor in the fact that these were all middle aged people talking about reality shows i didn’t watch#and bikes i knew nothing about#as well as people who knew i was the new intern yet didn’t speak to me at all even though I’d introduced myself to them all individually#and even so#people I couldn’t really talk to about MY interests outside of work either#my point being:#it’s okay to not feel a connection with everyone you meet#it’s okay to fall back into old habits even though you’ve developed new ones#it will never unravel the process you’ve made and the connections you’ve built#you’re doing fine#after this internship I will surround myself with people who reaffirm that belief#growth in the self#self love#positivity
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2023 Qatar Grand Prix - Sprint - Oscar Piastri
#not my best ever gifs i dont think BUT IM SOOOOO HAPPPYYYYYYYY!!!!!!#OSCAR P1!!!!!! OSCAR WIN!!!!!! OSCAR ROOKIE WIN LETS GOOOOO#i still cant believe it this is absolutely insane#i feel like i find myself saying this every week about oscar but wow#back in bahrain i could never have imagined him winning a race this year!! IN HIS ROOKIE SEASON!!!!#I was shocked when i woke up to see him have gotten pole in the shootout#AND THEN TO WATCH HIM WIN!!!! SOOOOOOO GOOD#Im so proud of him sob sob sob#again: throwbacl to me and dru talking abt the possibility of him podiuming or even winning#and i was like no way i doubt it with this car. nevermind :) ive never been so happy to be incorrect#WHERE IS MARK!??!!?!??!!? WHERE ARE YOU???? YOUR BOY JUST FUCKING WON!!!! WHERE IS THE HUG???? WHERE IS THE CONGRATS???#i swear to god if i check his insta and theres yet another animal vid on his story im going to kill the old man#HE WAS WANDERING AROUND THE GARAGE YESTERDAY FOR QUALI!! WHERE WAS HE TODAY AAAGHHHHHH#oscar piastri#f1#formula 1#formula one#2023 qatar grand prix#2023 qatar gp#we do a little bit of f1
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yesjdahhdalksjdlkasjdjkahsdlkjaslkdajskldhaslkjdhkasjhdlkajsdklhaskjdhalksjhdkajhslkdjahslkdjhsalkduhlxjclkueqlkjhdslkksa
GODDESS DEFEATED!!!!!
#touhou#touhou fuujinroku#gaming in the moonsink#very proud of myself bc video game#now I just gotta meet Sanae's other mom#the frog goddess#and then yet another game will be complete#though I doubt I'll defeat her what with how tough this one was#then again the whole bomb system nerf doesn't affect extra stages as much I think#what with them usually being bomb immune the entire time
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york, england
#the futile endeavour of getting better bites me in the neck once more#what must i do to rid myself of these thoughts and feelings#would i choose to if i could?#i think not and that is terrifying#how can my own destruction be both so awful and yet so inviting#you don't deserve this and you didn't ask for it#and now whatever you choose you are intertwined in my life too much#and you will suffer the consequences as will i#i know it is selfish to let this bloom#but I don't think i have a choice#ive never been able to quash it before and I doubt i will now#im sorry is the best i can do#one of these days soon i will tell you and things will crumble#and there's a chance i can build them up again and you can help#but i am not looking forward to it#i hope you can forgive me#don't let me near you#please please please
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seems like literally everything is trying to stress me out right now
just found out that OBS profiles dont save your scenes, like i thought, so i have accidentally deleted all my setup for art streams. cool.
#ganondoodles talks#its all little stuff#but its all too much at once#family being naggy bc im exhausted#no plan working out#im still undecided if i should stream totk or not#but my setup didnt work for it last time so how the fuck should i test it now#work is stressful and exhausting#now this#i know i can set it all up again#but its still#all gone bc i was stupid#again#still trying to talk myself into not trying to stream totk for good#bc i KNOW im not made for it#and yet still there are doubts#my brain is endlessly spinning in circles progressively fucking stuff up and getting more stressed out#i have cried at least once every day for the last 4 days or so#its so pathetic but my brain just#malfunctions when i dont know what to do and resorts to crying which makes everything worse
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setting aside the fact that chess is a proven terrible metaphor for a strategic person/character in the first place, i have the silliest hangups about chess master!Korn in anything because Korn’s canonically terrible at playing chess. he wins because his victims know better than to beat him, not because he’s good at it.
#there’s a possibility canon meant to make him a good chess player and just suffers from the fact that the writers don’t know chess#but honestly I doubt that#Korn is terrible at all his hobbies#and the way his mafia games reflect his chess strategies feels deliberate#he’s just so bad at these games#his strategies might make sense on a street gang level#but in the show context of ‘’high class mafia’’#they’re extremely out of place and extremely stupid#which also feels deliberate#and again plays into the ‘Korn’s bad at chess’ theme#im trying to cut myself off from a ramble about the shows choice to show a scholars mate between Kinn and Korn but like#ep5 game is such a good metaphor for Korn and Kinn’s relationship in this context too!#Kinn's only making a show of playing Korn’s game#and lets himself lose as a means of escaping his fathers direct machinations#he hasn’t yet removed himself from the situation#which is why he’s still stuck playing Korn’s games#but Kinn yields to Korn because that’s currently his best defense#not because he wants to#:(#anyways Tawan the only bitch dumber than Korn#love that for us#kinnporsche#*im aware that a certain amount of this is show writers navigating extremely stupid source material that thinks it’s clever#and the show writers made their own dumb choices for other things too#but this isn’t about that#and that explanation is boring anyways
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oh my god i think i have fixed the "you are annoying everyone by just existing" brain issues that I got from family roadtrip.
just started thinking about the old ladies at my craft group bc im trying to put together a reply to an email one of them sent while i was away, and im like genuinely about to cry because they are all so nice to me and i can really tell they Actually want me there and have taken a real liking to me for some reason and i'm just like,,, so baffled and pleased about it fdjkl.
obviously i am not annoying because those ladies actually enjoy my presence even though I am very anxious and a little strange !!! and even if i am annoying, they still genuinely enjoy me being there and show that through the way they talk to me and about me and look so happy when I walk into the meeting room each week !!
#i could cry honestly fdsjkl like i am tearing up a little#i've just been struggling so much feeling like im irritating everyone constantly#because i am a very irritating and difficult presence to my family and they made sure i knew that while i was stuck with them for 2 weeks#and its hard when i dont have much for social interaction in my life so i can't rly prove to myself easily that actually ppl DO like me#and DO want me around. because i just... am so isolated and self-isolate a lot due to fatigue and anxiety#but then i remembered the craft group suddenly and now im like... oh... those people like me so much... they want me around...#theyre happy to see me every week... i know for a fact they'll be happy to see me again now that im home...#and its not a thing i can doubt because its so obviously true and theres no reason for it to not be#because it was so unexpected for me. i didnt think they'd take a liking to me and yet they did! its wild!#anyways!! i am going to go reply to the one lady's email now fdskl and i hope i can go to the meeting this week!#pippen needs 2nd breakfast
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31.08.23
I keep thinking about coming back to posting online but every time I finally manage to fight the anxiety and make it back to this page, I draw up blank and end up leaving again...I suppose part of me is incredibly ashamed and embarrassed (about everything that my 'life' is/has been/become) whilst also being utterly exhausted and tired of hearing and saying the same things over and over again. I hate it.
This space was such a positive space for me in recovery in the past, it helped me beyond belief and I met some of the most incredible souls through it. Right now I need everything I can get. Life has been feeling incredibly heavy and hard for longer than I care to admit. I have not been okay (even typing that is hard) and I am finding it hard to see/believe that things can ever get better.
#personal#its been a long time#I dont even know where to start#things have not been okay for a long time and Ive lost everything all over again#I wish I could shake myself#I hate it all so much#yet even that hate is “not enough” because here I am. years down the line. the same old same old. I bore myself.#sigh#I doubt there is anyone here#so Im not even sure why I am posting this#Ill probably end up panicing and running away for a few more months too anxious to come back onto tumblr after posting this#what even is life
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becoming a more frequent occurrence to see a post about living with OCD, relating, then pushing it out of my mind because if I think too much about whether or not I have OCD I might begin to ruminate on it and stress myself out ... (obsess, one might say) ... but i digress
#to be fair and balanced. regardless of whether i have it i can utilize its coping skills to help myself break some of these cycles#babygirl my interpersonal relationships are in shambles /hj#started reading about what the OCD community likes to call ROCD (R standing for relaitionship) and... haha... ow....#somethingsomething avoidance somethingsomething intrusive thoughts somethingsomething fixation on reassurance#did you know that a reliance on constant reassurance actually feeds into cycles of doubts and fears? because I didn't! !! !!!#...fuck#another day another disorder with me huh boys#what-the-hell-ever your life is your own now live it. set yourself up for success. you know?#'i am a needle stuck skipping skipping -- too restless to walk in silence any longer.'#'there's a CD stuck on repeat of the sin that is providing myself gentleness and second chances'#sorry thinking about a sestina i wrote again. it's called refrains#broken record hours#life is circles#i live life in circles#meposting#once again my dad and i are mirrors bc he recently mentioned something akin to intrusive thoughts and i was both 🤝 and ':-/#god damn it. another eel for the writhing mass#though the (mental) eel(ness) has always been there. writhing. i am only now giving it name and taking care of it.#where am i#i love talking#'as you can see the act of posting on a social platform is yet another form of seeking reassurance-' shutupdhutupshutop
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Frankenstein – Mary Shelley
[TEXT ID: You accuse me of murder; and yet you would, with a satisfied conscience, destroy your own creature.]
#'The guilty are allowed; by human laws; bloody as they may be; to speak in their own defence before they are condemned.'#bruce & jason#so fascinating thinking of jasons death from both perspectives. the grieving father that cant move from his remorse#the son that lives yet is still mourned.#thinking always how jason died knowing he was loved but came back to life and now had to die with the doubt of it#at risk of repeating myself lol but again. how lucky it is to die while youre still someone that'll be mourned#cryptcites#jason todd
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everytime i think im done ranting i remember something else LMFAO this one is extra long i hit tag limit god mf damn
#self#for instance.....my mom wants me to cut off everyone who is still tied to the school#and im so mad at myself for feeling a certain type of way when the campus manager called me not too long ago basically to tell me she doesnt#trust the girl who did this shit and she wasnt mad at me but was also mad at me for bringing her to her dads house#for reference we were trying to get a cat from the campus managers dads house LMFAO#and i honestly cannot wait to speak to her again and be like 😔 god dammit you were right like you were every single time#i just dont understand the wiring in her head to think the shit she says and does to people is normal and okay and how she doesnt realize it#is literally a mental health break. when i finally told my mom the first thing she said was shes probably off her medication#which.....probably isnt wrong sadly coming from someone who has borderline and very easily can lose it#but the difference is i dont give in to the urges to try to hurt everyone around me in every way i can#and me and her have said before that we thought she might also have borderline because we were very similar#but god damn does she love proving that if she has it its extremely severe or its something else entirely#on an honest note. shes incredibly narcissistic and i know her mom is part of the reason shes that way bc she was given princess treatment#her entire fucking life and then doesnt understand when other people dont treat her the same way#i hate rambling about this and i hate it that it is bothering me so fucking bad but like ???#if youre going to decide that you can put our past aside period and move on then fucking do that and stop bringing the past up as a way to#hurt me and the people around you???? she acts like shes not done horrible fucking things to people. so sorry i wrote a letter that was very#honest at the time. so sorry that when you found out i apologized for it and said i regret it because 2 weeks after my apology i no longer#regret writing it. if its making school a living hell for you....theres probably a reason for that girlfriend#i am not the person who put that shit in your folder#though i seriously fucking doubt its actually in her folder shes probably assuming it is#and youre the one who made a complete ass of yourself to every educator that ever stepped foot in that building#that has nothing to do with me that you are a literal warning given to every new educator!!!! i havent even been in school there in months#yet IM the problem??? how am i the problem when i graduated in fucking january???? everything since then falls on you#AND YET AGAIN! MIGHT I MENTION! IT IS NOT JUST MY LETTER!!! THERES AT LEAST 2 OTHER ONES!!!!!#BECAUSE IM NOT THE ONLY PERSON SHE DOES THIS SHIT TO!!!!#god sometimes i sit back and realize that theres a reason she regresses as a person and i do not#im not going to sit still anymore and let someone walk all over me and she can thank herself for that#shes who taught me that blocking and running as fast as i can doesnt fix anything#so here we are bitch. youre not blocked and im sure youre sitting at home thinking about how youre right about everything
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like at some point i have ti admit it to myself. it’s a 2am delirious ramble after a hard sad day. but i don’t think i like my job very much actually. i mean i do i love it and it was made for me and i made it for me too. but how come something that i love and was made for me and that i made hurts so bad and so primally? how can i like something that brings me so much stress and grief and despair so regularly?
#purrs#i think it’s just been a hard year and a long pandemic. but transience and institutional politics and hierarchy and ambiguity are things you#just have to deal with i. an education job / setting and yet theyre fucking killing me. they killed me as a student and they’re killing me#even more as a staff member. i don’t think it’s that much to ask. i just want to have all the people i love in one#place. and to be on the same page all the time. shoulder to shoulder. ts all ive wanted and it’s been 5 years of wanting it so badly im#mentally and in some ways physically sick from the lengths ive gone to get it. like it’s come at a high price and i have it except for when#i don’t which is a lot of the time. idk what im saying. i just… im doing it backwards. im not in higher Ed because i want to be a student#affairs professional or ride up the ranks or whatever. im in it because i love this specific organization and helped to make it from the#start and the only reason i want to rise up the ranks is so i have fewer and fewer reasons to (doubt i’ll) get shaken off. but it can’t ever#be the same as it was. i miss my friends. i miss life before covid and i miss life before july 5 2022. i miss futures i didn’t get to live.#and i need to get over it and just be where i am and be brave and strong and pull myself backup again and make new friends and grow. but its#fucking hard. and im tired. everything has sucked the life out of me#delete later
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Petition for SSO to add the horse name first word option "tall" so if/when they release a horse that looks like my BOTW/TOTK soul horse she can keep being named Tally
#Was actually astounded they hadnt released a horse like her yet#Cmon. Shes chunky & all black with a stripe down her face no other markings. How hard can it be#z talks#Tally is my super super super super best friend#We almost got killed by a stone talus when I caught her and we trauma bonded over that (it's also how she got her name)#(My other 4 botw horses are all named George due to an inside joke with a friend at the time so she stands out <3)#Towards the end of my botw playthrough she also uh. Died#Which I will never forgive myself for#It was actually genuinely devastating I don't know what I would've done without the horse god#Anyway (totk spoilers) today I spent hours grinding for the horse god to get all her stats to five stars#Bless the totk devs for that feature#She is now perfect in every way and I doubt any of my other horses will ever be ridden again lol
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they're at mad at me island i should cvt
#cvt#cvtting#I'm like ... 2 months clean question mark#i unfortunately am Very good at like .. invalidating myself abt sh and all#so I barely even count what I did as cvts lmao#I have a few scars that haven't faded yet on my thigh though so that's. something#you know how it is#and like of course do not take my words here as like . idk Truth. like#if you've got small ones that's still sh yk like. that's still ??#i don't rlly know how to go abt talking here lol#i try not to log in too much. makes me worse I think#ur all valid is what I'm getting at#anyway . they are ignoring me on purpose bc I accidentally did something#and its making me feel like fucking shit but I don't want to tell them that bc like?? if they're reacting like this#over something I'm Also upset abt?? idk#i've been able to vent to them a Lot and have felt v safe abt it but mm. I'm unfortunately very sensitive lol#and idk if I will be able to confide in them for a fucking While again#I don't want to break my streak though. also I've always been afraid of bleeding so LMAOOOO#im not letting myself sleep tonight instead. haven't done that since hs but uhmm Oh Well it is what it is#doubt they're in these corners of Tumblr but if u know who this is Sowwy !#🐦⬛posting
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thinking about ep 35 again because i rewatched it for natsumi's birthday and i find it interesting that kururu goes out of his way to defy keroro's orders to try to find out what gift natsumi would like. that's so awfully nice actually, in a fun chaos inducing way which is exactly his style
#i love that in the end they all gave her gifts that r basically stuff they themselves like. but they tried. there was an attempt#ep 35#kururu#LIKE AT LEAST HE ASKED. kinda crazy#also when rewatching that episode i kinda spoiled myself for 87 bc now im certain whats happening there is theyre pulling kero's plan on him#i deliberately avoided watching the ending of that ep bc i wanted to be surprised but ya there is no doubt in my mind theyre doing that lol#which in its own way is flattering for him bc like hey good plan. ykno#and still good angst for me. i win. get ignored on ur birthday bitch (deeply affectionate)#it's a surprise i think... i BELIEVE...? well theres an inkling of wondering so i guess im not spoiled just YET. and don't you dare spoil me#i will watch it and find out for myself when i wanna do it. probably tomorrow for his birthday anyway#i did watch his freakout moment WITHOUT SOUND as a way to like. sneak peek 💁 it was so good (sad) amazing#maybe one of the best examples that he shows his sadness thru anger anyway. thats what his meltdowns are... + other stuff#oh boy here i go talking abt keroro again... THIS POST WAS ABT KURURU! sorry for brainrotting
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mmaster hcief
#personal! ok idk why but i am in such a bad fucking mood after realizing that yet another year has passed where my father hasnt like.#really ??? cared ??? i dont know man my parents are taking me out to eat but i didnt get a text or a call or anything#like man i know im not the one thats ur blood child but come on i remember yours and wish you every year :(#my mom only really remembered when i showed up and jokingly was like “ey next time you see me ill be a whole year older”#this week has sucked so bad brother i hope it wont set the tone for the next year LKHL:D:FLGHK#happy birthday more like KILL YOURSELF INSTANTLY POTION#god only like my friends and two family members remembered im realizing. fuuuuuuuuuck. not even the people i live with minus my fiance#i only exist to these people when its time to talk behind somebodys back brother#maybe i drive my car into a tree tomorrow ^_^ in theory itd be good for me but at the end of the day if these people didnt care when i went#to the fucking mental ward for plotting to kill myself i doubt theyd care if i bled out in a ditch either#they never called or visited they just picked me up and told me to never do that shit again#maybe i should have Not been born...............!#ermmm#personal#vent#i guess. idk. just so if people have those tags blocked itll get filtered or whatever#i probably shouldnt just throw this out into the wild but i dont want to directly bother anybody i know rn idk.
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