#dont treat them like they dont know these things exist
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White person: you think you know more than me when it comes to race and treat me like my opinion doesnt matter
Me:
#its bc white people get this idea that once theyre an ‘ally’ their opinion is like super valuable and can overwrite the voices of poc#with a bonus side effect of them thinking that bc theyre more ‘articulate’ and ‘knowledgable’ about certain topics#they have a right to speak on them moreso than a poc#im sorry i dont care if you think a poc is dumb or wouldnt be able to explain redlining as well as you#dont treat them like they dont know these things exist#and i think its funny when they start thinking theyre more in tune with your culture than you are low key#like bc you read black twitter you think you are closer to black culture than like an actual black person#and listen some people may not be as in tune with their culture as they could be but its absolutely foul to discredit their belonging#or base it off of how much you expose yourself to#you are not black. did not grow up black. are not still black. you dont get to tell a black person what it means to be black#thats super fucking weird… like you think youre the guardian of the black race and if someone dont meet your standards#theyre not black enough. like hoowww do you not see the problem with policing blackness as a whole ass entire fucking white person#but ok im angry and im gonna shut up lmao#like ive realized that being black does not look like 1 thing and im sure as fuck not gonna let some yt tell me im not my literal race…#leave the subject matter of what it is to be black to actual black people fucking weirdos
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Sometimes I wonder how I'm ever gonna be able to work on the other Spinch stories I have, I have so many ideas for things but only so much fixation power
#text#every once in a while ill doodle a character from one of my other stories but thats like It. so many of them are so underdeveloped#sparklecare and the cometverse (cometcare and DM) are like the only things ive managed to actualize to a solid continuous form#nightstars was Almost there but Things Happened and its not around anymore#i actually have a few series that havent even been publicly shared yet because i have so little for them#KG and SE and HNU are all sort of in a Void right now. i dont know how to revisit them#and stay connected#i guess the cometverse is easier because it has a foundation with the main comic which is where the most development exists#i just wish i had more time. the AUs are easier to actualize because theyre just For Fun#KG and SE and HNU are all Serious Stories that i would want to treat with the same level of chronological storytelling as main SC#those aren't just For Fun. the AUs are for fun so i can just do fuck all and do whatever i want and it doesnt matter how i do it#its so frustrating! so many things in the kittycorn mind so little time#sorry for long tags
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i cant phrase this well but infinity train book 2 is for the aroace transgenders. lake transgenderism is obvious but nothing in my life has screamed to me queerplatonicism as much as lake and jesse like their qpr readings are off the fucking charts
#infinity train in general is for the aromantics. i've talked about this before (very poorly) but the way it handles romance#as in ''there rlly isnt any theres just characters and they interact naturally and sometimes that involves things that read as romantic''#tulip has 0 romance in her story. lake and jesse as stated before have crazy queerplatonic vibes.#grace and simon is probably the most romantic it gets and thats literally barely anything.#and ryan and min ofc have the classic homoerotic childhood friends thing going on.#its literally so good i dont know how to describe it but just. i think its the fact that like i said they're not treated as ''romances''#you can absolutely read them as such its very easy to. but theres nothing explicitly romantic about any of it#there's no discussion regarding any of these guys about crushes or dating or whatever. they just exist#its not necessarily the absence of romance. its just the removal of the label romance. i love it so so much#serena.txt#GAH i still feel like i didnt explain it properly. idk its really one of those things you just kinda Feel watching it
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finally getting to that stage where ive been away from my abuser for long enough that i can finally stop like... feeling bad for him or whatever even though he was ~saaaad~ when he was abusing me. i mean okay yeah i still feel bad for him sometimes i still feel guilty sometimes i still miss him sometimes because at one point we were friends jesus christ. but i dont feel so utterly plagued by it as much as before which is nice. unfortunately it does mean that my brain is stuck re-playing everything with a new light being shined over it for the several hundredth time but at least im not flagellating myself about it as much anymore. like im finally starting to think more about how i feel than about how he feels. that is something. kind of bare minimum but its something after ages of blaming myself for everything that happened
#txtpst#sorry for random insanely personal posts in the midst of everything i just have been in the fucking trenches lately <3#i dont know. revisiting some things.#realized that all he really did was talk down and condescend to me. and treat me like i was insane for having emotions#im like okay what is there really to miss at this point. being manipulated? being lied to?#feeling like everyone i knew hated me because HE was the one shittalking me to them? having my boundaries disrespected?#feeling like i was worthless? like i had to prove that i deserved to exist. that i deserved to be cared about. etc#and god help me i do NOT miss the mold and bug infested basement he made me live in either!!!!!!#ill probably delete this at some point soon i just needed an outlet for my brainthoughts about it
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Lineup of all of the characters that appear long enough to need a visual representation of them in the game lol
#I added a few people that you can randomly run into around town (like at the inn or in the forest or etc) and have very short conversations#with just to kind of flesh out the world a little more in a more natural-ish seeming way. Like nobody in the main cast would really#have much reason to talk about the actual city you're in or anything. Since most of them havent lived there that long anyway.#But if there's a ''city inspector'' that you can run into whilst he's writing up notes examining the local inn. then maybe there could be a#few dialogue options with him where you can ask about things like that. since he would know more about the area as an offical Government#Worker or etc. Optional of course. since I have to be so wary of my natural inclination to lore dump lol and am trying extra hard to make i#all stuff thats easily avoided/skipped. But for the people like ME who deliberately choose to exhaust every possible optional dialogue#option and explore every single inch of the world and try to collect as much information as possible - then there are a few extra places to#do that. Though obviously not all of them just give exposition for like 15 paragraphs blandly. Some you don't really learn anything from#and it's kind of just.. random flavor to make the non-shop map locations more ''lived in'' feeling. Like the random#little girl you can talk to in the park doesn't bizarrely start reading out the wikipedia description of some War that happened 10 years ag#or whatever. she's just complains about school a little and asks if you've tried the nearby ice cream cart treats and etc lol#ANYWAY..#some of the art is so so evil but I'm not going to spend 800 years trying to clean it up and update it. whatever the hell mess I sketched#out in 2018 or whatever is just what I'm keeping lol... it is what it is#One of the many trials of the whole 'briefly work a few months on something and then abandon it almost entirely only to pick up work#on it literally like 4 - 5 yrs later and now you must contend with trying to decipher whatever weird shit you did years ago' experience lol#Also given the population breakdowns of the world in general I think there's an unrealistic amount of jhevona in this lineup since#they're a much rarer species to just see out and about anywhere but.. it IS a global trading center type area. and the game#takes place in the north (the country of Asen. near the coast. for the maybe 2 or less people who actually keep up with my worldbuilding#enough to know where that is lol (the same continent as Navyete (where the avirre'thel live)) and there's a decent concentration#of nothern jhevona only a short ways away so... tee hee..I shall pretend it makes sense and not merely me just wanting#to represent more of that species because I think their lore is interesting lol#I MEAN also realistically there would NOT be a human here because humans are extremely isolated species that don't even know the rest#of the world exists really and human territories are extremely protected from the outside world but... of course it's like.. well we need#at least One of them to be there for the Optional Lore. Same with the Ythrili. But at least those are like.. PLAUSIBLE.. not nonsensically#outlandish. If I had a Verrucalt or something in there THEN that would be truly lore-breaking almost lol#ANYWAY.. rambling that only means anything to me because nobody else knows what I'm even referencing but hbjh#also I think my character designs are so funny in the sense that I really do just love to do the same thing over and over again ghbjh#wow... random asymmetry and belts and arm straps and high collars where the neck is completely covered?? you dont say..how novel
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;~; (tags vent)
#i feel so lonely and i dont know how to fix it#im trying to engage with people. im trying ot take space. im trying but nothing is helping#and like im hormonal so i wanna cry about it today#and like this loneliness isnt for one reason only#there's no One Thing#but so so many things making me feel like i cant connect#and even wiht making progress and even with coping and even with reminidng myself its okay to just feel bad sometimes like#i want company. i dont want online company i want irl company. i want friends. and im so miserable about the fact that i struggle to#make irl friends - not bc im not a good friend!! honestly tehre's been plenty of opportunities for me to make friends is the worst part#between work; disabilities; energy; and like interests/things to talk about its really hard to make friends (and tbh the first three-#really are the biggest drains). and i love my online friends i do i jsut. miss them all so much when i talk too much and then it hurts more#and i lost a friend group recently so im feelng really out of place#nearly everyday for the last idk. 5 months i had a group of people going “hey. love you” (even if they didnt say it verbatim daily) and lik#im so sad! and the feelings are coming out today ig cause i havenothing to do at work so im just. here#but yeah - ik part of this grief im experiencing is YET AGAIN experiencing change and loss re:friendships bc of things largely out of my#control /: and every time this happens it just brings up every single wound#im talking with my therapist about it too i just. wish friends were more permanent in my life yk?#or at least that i had friends irl still /: but all my deepest connections are all So far away#and it hurts so much to miss ppl rn im just. isolating myself#but i dont awnt to TALK. i dont want to TEXT. i dont want to hang out on a vc. i awnt to be held and loved and just talked to about anythin#other than the stresses in peoples lives. i want people to infodump to me w/o me having to Beg or Engage Correctly#i want people to tell me about themselves. jsut fucking lore dump in my inbox. its not dumping. i dont care about trauma dumping. if you do#cw i guess i jsut. im so tired. im tired of the “haiiiiii love you!!!!!” i have to do over the keyboard to have social connections#im tired of being so disabled i cant make friends bc no one wants to be friends w/ me irl and all the reasons (“ur a flake” “u cancel plans#“u never want to go out” “u never have energy” “why do you disappear when you need to recharge it makes me feel bad?” etc etc etc) all#relate to me being disabled and like.i feel like the problem. my existence is a problem. and the worst part is all iwant to do is just.#go run errands with someone. do important tasks &get a little treat to celebrate after. go to the doctor. the hospital. wherever im allowed#i want ot be a PERSON#): i jsut miss my friends#and liek im going to a thing later this month to try and make friends irl even if its just exercise friends
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#i kind of want to kill myself. im so disconnected from anything. i have no original thought. everything is scripted#everything is just put together pieces from things ive heard elsewhere and i do not have a single original thought#everyone can see that im masks all the way down and everyone can see that i am nothing underneath and even that is a stolen way of saying it#i have no way of making nothing palatable but i am simply nothing. invite me over and ill try to adapt to you and write a new script based#off new media but if you make me truly comfortable and somehow manage to unplug my behavior then youll be rewarded with me just sitting#beside you on the floor and staring at whatever media you show me without speaking much and only occasionally seeking further warmth from#you#i vocalized it to someone close recently but im a nothing void and i wish people all acted in exactly the way i wanted regardless#i have selfish fantasies about people just doing everything to make everything easy for me and if i were a god i would be an entirely#selfish one#if the right people would go and stay as i please even though im a nothing void and dont deserve them around#if they would all do whatever i needed like gave me cuddles or sex or affirmation or money or treats#if life was one long cycle of being the most treated god by everyone then maybe i could be something i dont know#maybe something could be manifested into me#everyone already projects an idea onto me so maybe a collective idea held by all with a great deal of love would make whatever they say of#me true and maybe then id exist fully#until then oh well#though in reality im just sanitizing a bit. having others fully as puppets serving me isnt something that i want because i think itll “fix”#me by any measures and id likely only grow far more sadistic and selfish but i wish for that world because i could live in perfect comfort#i could do anything i wanted and have anything i wanted and nobody would stop me#sorry this is just like. a long rambling in tags. i should shut up now
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what exactly is one supposed to do about accepting things you can't control when the thing you can't control is a person who is actively fucking over many people, including children?
#especially children#like itd not be an issue if the children were not involved. the person would be persona non grata#but the children exist and are involved and we have no legal recourse apparently. so what the fuck. what the fuck#i want to leave. i cant leave. i want to leave#i think id want to leave anyway without this person just bc im sick of this place#but this person makes things 10x worse#the children give me pause bc i do love them but also. maybe this makes me sound shitty. theyre not my repsonsibility#maybe if i can get my own life set up and get stable on my own id try to get the children away from this person#but rn it's not happening#sometimes i think this person had kids to babytrap us into not booting them#honestly i think the law should allow for one free punch#i dont think violence is nec3ssarily the answer for...most things#but some people ....some people need a#need to be socked in the fucking jaw and face tangible consequences for their actions#bc they dont face any consequences otherwise#or at least dont recognize any other consequences as being the direct result of their own selfish dickhead actions#alas. the law is the law#and everything here feels so precarious as it is#it sucks though that 'wanting to control someone else's actions' in this case is i want this person to treat other people fucking decently#and be respectful of their time and the fact that they have their own lives#i get being a parent is hard but to force other people to pick up your slack without any input from them#thereby controlling their lives and fucking them over#and thats just straight up shit behavior. the hardships of parenthood do not justify that#and you barely parent. screaming at kids for being kids is not parenting#and literally nobody made you bring these poor kids into the world. this was 100% your choice#and sure prochoice but honestly people who can choose otherwise having kids when they have to know full well#that they neither have the capacity nor actual desire to actually attempt to parent#they deserve a slap. fuck it. i dont have it in me for compassion#and i have a lot more to say actually that wont fit in the tags. whoops#to the void with love
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Part of me is team "leander is like that to everyone" bc he also plans to recruit MC into his Bloodhounds in the future ("not yet"). Despite knowing the Bloodhounds for years he isn't close to them. Makes me think he ups the charm and seduction to anyone who may be of use to him to get them to pledge their allegiance.
#his jealousy could be because he wants this power to be something he owns and not be taken away by anyone else#the emotional exclusivity (from touch) is a bonus to his egotistical nature#but idk...who knows.....#it just doesnt make sense for me that he instantly holds genuine affection just because of touch. because what about all#the other people he knows aside from the other LIs who have left him? why would MC be special other than what their power could#do for him and how their touch boosts his ego?#love at first sight doesnt exist in a world like this. but maybe obsession is.#redstrewn leandering#youre telling me not ONE person has been tender with him in all these years? while he acts like THAT???#i dont believe it#“love will never end” in the audio files is the only thing that is standing in the way of this theory of mine. but maybe it's one-sided.#if this is too upsetting feel free to ignore me im just projecting my emotional defense pessimism onto this character#it simply makes no sense to me that being the one exclusively touched is what makes him genuinely in love#it simply makes no sense to me that this is the first time hes been treated tenderly#i have met too many ppl like him#they make u feel sooo special and then SIKE it never rly mattered who u are. just what u could do for them#the difference is hes hot and big and buff and has no regard for the laws of his universe and will inevitably eat shit#ofc im hooked. i wanna see him eat shit. also kiss him#ofc this is a ROMANCE game and hes still a love interest. but i think his true romantic feelings might come later
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nsfw sorry lol but i keep seeing posts abt it - how in the fuck are there so many subs thinking doms don't need aftercare and thinking it's too much work to give them that, help meeeeeee what is wrong with people !!! 😭😭😭
#bro thats a human being of course theyre going to need affection and reassurance and kindness HELPPPP#''erm but theyre the DOM and I'm just a uwu little sub :( they take care of ME !!!'' im going to send u to the goo lagoon okay?#u are lucky enough to find a dom for a partner and then u treat them like dirt? [extremely loud incorrect buzzer noise] TO THE GOO LAGOON!#once again i am baffled by how ppl do not treat other ppl like human beings#like. i approach quite literally everyone w the same baseline amount of respect and decency esp irl#and i keep seeing ppl talk abt different groups like ''okay yeah u say ur cool abt them but do u [insert basic kindness here]?''#also this isnt a ''wow look at me im soooo much better than everyone bc i treat other humans with basic decency'' type of post lmfao#i am just genuinely so baffled and horrified that all this shit is so commonplace that these posts need to be made#and need to be made multiple times by multiple ppl across multiple years#like i know ppl are shitty and cruel. i know bigotry exists. this is not baby's first ''ppl are mean :('' moment. but holy shit lmfao#the average person is much worse than i thought apparently! very cool!#I'd love to believe in basic human decency but 😐 i think i am seeing it is not so basic actually. help!#anyways uhmmm if u dont tell ur dom or just partner in general that u love them and if u dont help them with things-#-then im going to send u to murky depths of the goo lagoon okay?#nsft cw
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I'm reading the transgender issue and ive just remembered in 2016 when a group of grown ass educated adults blamed me for the fact that two of my friends "thought" they were transgender because they thought I was influencing them.
#and then again when my friends mum threatened to cut them off if they moved in with me#despite the fact that theyve been out for almost as long as i have#because she thought i was going to medical transition him#the fact that fully grown adult people genuinely believe that I am contagious and insidious just for being trans is insane#im 21 now but people have been treating me like this since 13!!!#people who fucking well know better have been telling me that its my fault and my influence#my peers also blamed me and my friends for everyone who came out as gay in school#as though its a bad thing and there needs to be blame#its just insane#and fucked me up in terms of growing up feeling violent and predatory just for existing#but also how much would it fuck up a kid to be told no you actually have no agency in self identification#youre being influenced and you dont even know it because you dont know yourself#why do we not just fucking kill these people!!!#coming out young makes you not just a target from children but from adults! who are supposed to be looking after you!#you are seen as putting other children and risk and confusing them#as a threat#I wasnt a threat i was a child!!!!!#al is talking
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that feeling when you're so unwanted and dismissed and disliked by everyone around you...when you offer help and suggestions or try to join conversation or anything and the response you get is always "no/go away/I didn't ask you/etc" it feels horrible and when i ask what the problem is and why they hate me they just say "I never said I hate you/there's no problem" but the way they talk and act SHOWS ME THEY HAVE A PROBLEM OR HATE ME. you can't insult me every time I walk into a room or dismiss every single thing I say without even hearing it all and then say you don't hate me or have a problem with me! it doesn't work that way! either prove me wrong by showing not telling, or just be honest.
#family problems#i hate these people get me out of here#lee rants#tired of trying to get along with them and help them and they dismiss and insult me#like my sister trying to prepare for her wedding. im very good at planning things and solving problems#they keep hitting so many problems and dont know how to plan stuff and amd i offer logical solutions and just get “NO.”#no thought about it. instant immediate dismisive response#isnt it normal for siblings to help with wedding stuff???? why is my sister a piece of shit? maybe i shouldnt even go to it#just plan something else that day and not show up. she obviously doesnt want me to be part of it.#i like helping out. i like being part of things. getting dismissed and pushed away feels like shit. especially when im good certain things#and KNOW I CAN BE USEFUL. BUT THEY TREAT ME LIKE USELESS SCUM AND DONT LET ME DO ANYTHING AND IT FEEL SO FUCKING BAD#ugh. i hate it here. i rather be somewhere my existence is appreciated and wanted. thats obbiously not here.
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making up* the perfect robin for dickbats n then just. yoinking him away and giving him to bruce. hmmm. Sucks
*importing from a non-canon timeline story but the adaptation choices 100% set him up to be robin for dick ykwi FUCKING mean
#always conflicted bc. i never wanted dick to be batman forever obviously.#but ummmmmmmmm. sometimes. a little. as a treat#and he has to hate it the whole time except for damian pretty much.#(I Also Think the effect that would start having on damian as he started getting old enough to realize it#would be really interesting!!! like this is the most important thing in the world to me but it makes my favorite person miserable.#like i dont... delve into that in lbof bc damians not one of the pov characters buuuut in the as yet unpublished sequel#you do start seeing some of what that means 4 their relationship... hueheuehe)#and. lol. i only know the broad strokes of what dcs been doing with damian since the reboot but what ive heard i really havent liked.#and i absolutely have not heard anything that makes me reconsider my stance that narratively speaking damian makes no intuitive sense as+#bruces robin. smh#also while im complaining about like. the reboot taking away the existing structure that had been set up for damian as a character to play+#off of.#colin would have been SUCH a good supporting character for damian... he was in SIX ISSUES but the freakin. potential!!!!#everyone who writes damian with a hero bff with a nothing personality: it doesn't have to be like this. take my hand#dc#like specifically damian was this traumatized displaced abused child and the similarities and differences btwn him and colin aka abuse &#the way that damian latched onto him so fast n kept trying to impress him which like. alright damian was trying pretty hard to impress+#everybody at the time. hes the baby tryhard we know this.#BUT. LIKE. him seeing someone his age and not immediately wanting to write them off as a simpleton or whatever yk... like#was significant particularly bc colin Did think he was cool without yk. the relationship dynamic devolving into fawning or whatever#but like to HAVE the contrast btwn them their backgrounds their motives & demeanors but you still had damian recognizing that smth about+#them is The Same. ugh#whagever its fine. its fine. i have to do everything mysellf aroumd here but its fine.
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People will come online fuming with hate and anger about Anything and expect everybody to instantly understand and validate them instead of being concerned about.... the genuine hate and anger. You know that behavior wouldn't fly in front of IRL strangers
#my posts#i think its ok to make posts on your personal blog about how angry you are about an issue and how you hate the people#who contribute to that issue. but when you start taking your 'righteous fury' onto other peoples posts and into public disagreements#you gotta remember people dont Know You. people dont know your life story and why you are so upset#and people arent going to want to Learn from you if you come up to them being rude and angry#because why would anyone trust you to inform them about a societal issue if you treat Anybody who asks questions or disagrees#like they are right wing terrorists. sometimes people are going to disagree with you and it doesnt mean they are not on your side#but if you never make an honest appeal to people to try and make them see things the way You see them.. nobody will ever change their minds#& agree with you.#and i know some people dont want to hear this and if they did they would say 'i dont exist to educate people im allowed to feel my feelings'#which is so true. but then dont bring your feelings onto political posts with no intent to have a conversation or share your perspective#because then you look like youre throwing a tantrum to all the people involved who decided to be open minded and share their perspectives#and have a hard but important conversation. like your name calling and accusations and calls for people to die are really not appropriate#for a serious discussion about human rights and discrimination of any kind.#i know i must be sooo annoying with this 'dont spread hate 🥺 spread knowledge' ass post but literally the older i get the more i believe#anger is not constructive. you will touch far more people and change their minds thru empathy and dedication to telling the truth
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I think part of the reason why I struggle to feel close with anyone is like. I really only know how to get my social need filled through judgement and approval and rank-climbing.
It's part of why I keep wanting to involve myself in Greek Life, despite knowing how toxic it is. I'd have people around me always, constant social events, and the expectations would be clear and harsh always. So I'd have clear and easy ways to get supply. If someone's "love" is conditional, then I know when I'm doing the right things, I know when they're approving of me, I know when we're "connecting". I crave it.
But the system's close friends? They'll approve of us no matter what. So like. What then? How do I feel that connection? If I don't have to earn their care, what direction am I supposed to go in? What do I do, what do I talk about, how do I act?
#just spilling thoughts everywhere rn but ugh#im so lonely#saw smthn online that felt like it was calling me out directly lmaooo#about not caring about individuals and only caring about avoiding loneliness#(like i care abt ppl's well-being but i have no personal investment)#it felt like a strength. grey cares so deeply about specific people but also gets cut just as deeply bc of it#meanwhile i could get attention from anyone and be just as satisfied. couldn't care less about who it was or if x or y person randomly#stopped talking to me#(b4 anyone comes at me. again i intellectually care about the well-being of individuals. like i want them to have a good life and a good da#yknow. and im not a jerk. and personally i DO *want* to connect i just dont know how. the emotions and drive aren't there. it's not persona#at all. and it's fine if that's a dealbreaker for ppl but i'm not evil for it and i don't treat people badly bc of it)#my supply-seeking and overworking myself and ED behaviors are all caused by the same underlying need#i don't know how to exist without people. which is so funny bc for so long i've acted like i'm so invulnerable and independent and don't#give a shit about anyone's approval. but i do. so fucking deeply. and since direct interpersonal relationships are terrifying#my brain seeks out the next best thing - societal approval. no names or faces attached. just anyone. something. anything.#when i'm talking one-on-one with someone - yknow what no gonna make this another post and try and work it out separately
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Something great about adulthood is that you literally never have to be around people who don't respect you ever again. If you're unhappy with your friend circle/family? you can just leave and you'll be that much better and healthier. Don't like yourself? you can make a new self. Google is free and your life is customizable. Don't like who you are? then don't be that person lmao. You can just change. Make those choices, decisions, and meds to get you there. no one's gonna do it for you n you can't help people who don't want to be helped, which includes yourself.
n I know a lot of this takes time and money, but you gotta start somewhere. even just having a plan of action helps. Knowing what you wanna work on and who you wana be/people you want to hang out with. That's where it's at. Literally just do it. "idk if i'm ready" then do it unready. I didn't know how to move out transition pay bills dye my hair register my car move in with my partner get a better job change my name literally anything to do with a courthouse change my credit shave my face until i just. Free balled it by my damn self. No family support no pity party. I'm not waiting around for people who say sorry 10 billion times but continue to not be better anymore. Don't make yourself palatable for other people, be free bitches ꒰ᐢ. .ᐢ꒱₊˚⊹
#xcuse the rant. just been thinking about how much better i feel without the people in my life who were bad for me#thinking about the time i got in a fight w/ my (now) ex over thanksgiving#how i was expected to out myself to my ex's homophic transohobic bigoted family. and just be fine with it#“you have to be the bigger person“ ”It's lying to them to not tell them you were deadname and now you're Oli"#n i thought actually? i literally dont have to be around anyone who makes me unsafe bc thats the exact thing i escaped from my own family#dont like feeling like a showcase animal 'look at my trans boyfriend' so someone else can be visibly queer around me#dont like feeling like a problem that every1 else has to deal w/so poor old bigoted family wont die of heart attack bracing for my presence#made me feel like shit n i had to basically beg for an apology for over an hour bc i felt unheard hurt and unsupported.#n you know what i got told? “Thats not how it is youre wrong” after saying i feel unheard 7 times in a row. dont tell me how i feel#wanted to break up right then and there n my only regret is wanting to wait till the holidays were over#there is only so many “sorry i forgot” that i can forgive and i forgave way too many times. very convenient that things forgotten was never#once my exs identity feelings or safety#but when MY feelings MY identity MY safety and my CONSENT get forgotten about? nah man. im out of i forgive yous. it happened soo many time#i rlly dont have to be around people who dont treat me right. i dont exist to make other people better that is on YOU to be better#olive speaks
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