#dont even get me started on my aunt
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sometimes I wish I could google the lore of my family because what the fuck
#my parents almost broke up because my moms roomate lied and said she slept with my dad#several family members have cryptic histories with the law#my uncle almost married someone who fled to mexico and though aliens were after her#he also almost got killed by his next girlfriend#my mom and dad met at a frat party and now they never go out#dont even get me started on my aunt#my grandparents were a romeo and juliet story#my grandma has a full blood sister she never knew about because her mom put her up for adoption and never told her#they found out through 23 and me or something
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it’s the picture of diana in lawrence’s wallet with her arms wrapped around a dog, it’s the horse riding awards in her bedroom and and the snake toy she has draped over her headboard .. it’s adam who wanted so badly to be a vet, adam who loves cats and brings them saucers of milk despite there being barely anything in his fridge .. it’s them bonding over their love of animals, diana showing adam her amazing animal facts book and adam asking for one every time he sees her, it’s adam saving up his own money so he can surprise her with a trip to the zoo for their next adam-and-diana day when lawrence and alison are at work and need someone to watch her, it’s him taking his camera, getting pictures of her with her favorite animals and developing them, it’s diana telling adam she wants to be a vet when she grows up and him getting excited, grabbing lawrence’s stethoscope when diana says she wants to play vets and taking his job oh so seriously when diana says that he’s gotta be her assistant, it’s .. its ..
#sorry for getting a little sick in the head about adam being the best stepdad ever as if its my fault#ohhhhhhhhhhh. its all a little too much for me#starts sobbing in a terrible nd agonising sort of way right after pressing post#good god man. talking to self#get a grip#chainshipping#diana gordon#adam faulkner stanheight#📹#no way in hell lawrence dr gordon md has a dog they do not have pets. maybe hed be ok w a rabbit#uhoh motifs cant stop wont stop#that dog is definitely an uncles or an aunts i just dont see in any universe lawrence having a dog or even a cat unless adam is involved#unless in some sort of fun au lawence finds a cat nd takes it to vet adam for the plot but otherwise no#n e way !#amazing animal facts was published in 2003 so it checks out actually#i checked for the post nd everything i take this all very seriously you know
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Sometimes I feel bad about the way I speak about my mother- then she makes me feel like this and I don't feel so bad anymore.
#🙄🙄🙄 GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAH!#christ alive.#and i know exactly why she's making me feel dumb and horrible today- she's jealous i went out with her mum and her sisters#(MY grandma. MY aunts) yesterday and had actually had a great time.#i came home more relaxed and happy then i ever do going anywhere with her.#she knows that without her i get along really well with my relatives. she's the one who has problems with them.#godddddddddd i need to move the fuck out.#she starts arguments that dont even make sense!! and try not to get sucked in anymore#but then she gets mad that i'm staying calm and i somehow still end up the bad guy.#the moving in with a roommate idea is getting more and more attractive
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so nervuos for tmrw bc im seeing my cousin
#i love her so much But#Its my dads side of the family and i dont see them often at all and everything is always so awkward and#they dont know i dropped out of school and everytime my grandpa sees me he asks about school#and i havent seen him since before i Would have graduated this past may#like i would be graduated hs right now but#im not SO IF AYNYNE ASKS ABOUT IT IM GONNA LOSE ITTTT#god#hopefully my grandparents just wont be there Idk why they would bc im just going to hang w my cousin#but they tend to jumpscare me sometimes when i go out to see her#Gahhhgaaahhhhhahhaooouuoououou#i could just tell the truth bc idec about them knowing i dropped out its just embarrassing bc i lied for so long#buti just did bc when i first stopped going to school my mom told me not to tell anyone on that side of the fmaily..so..#i dont think shed care anymore either but its just been so long and ive never told them Augh#and my grandpa really wants me to go to college which i straight up just dont wanna do. not rn at least#and id need to get my ged first which ive been procrastinating on the entiire year Oopsies#my aunt always tells me not to listen to him thoughand that i dont have to go to college if i dont want to i am grateful for her..#shes always protective of me from him LOL i love my grandpa and he means well and stuff but#he will just say anything#and he always makes me cry in public or at family gatherings bc he starts talking to me about my dad#i knowppl just aska bout like school and plans for the future and stuff bc they care but i wish they wouldnt bc i do not know anything#i dont know a single thing about how my future is going to go or what i even want it to be or how im going to live and its stressful enough#already when im not being interrogated about it#Like lets just talk about something else. Lets talk about enstars#Isnt it crazy that shinobu has gone going on 15 months without a new 5*?..i think its a little crazy and i miss him
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Some stuff I've drawn semi recently
#keese draws#oc art#oc#ocs#furry#furry oc#furry art#Ive been going thru it recently but Ill survive#on the bright side the pet sitting job for my aunt is coming up soon#so Ill have a house to myself for a bit at least#Im probably still gonna be fairly offline for the foreseeable future unless I somehow manage to fix my sleep schedule anytime soon#not to say I will be on any sorta complete hiatus or anything just that Im not getting any more active most likely#not that I think anyone rly cares at this point since its been the norm for a while now but yknow#Ill still be around to answer asks and stuff just dont freak out if I take a lil bit to see it 👍#anyways enough of being a downer Im actually pretty happy with these even if theyre mostly just doodles#also I havent posted any art of these guys in a While but say hi to them while you can cause theyre back into the void of my brain now#first is keese (the oc™) second is toon and third is clyve#all from different stories but toon and clyve are both from the magic cat universe#their paths never meet tho the closest connection they have has to go through like 4 characters first#you can also tell theyre from different stories because one is anthro and the other isnt lol#generally speaking I consider anthro designs slightly more canon but both are canon depending on the story#not in a shapeshifting way just in a me being an inconsistent bitch sorta way#but yeah keese the oc is much older than either of those two I just dont talk abt them or their story ever#but hey if any of yall remember suckerz those two are besties#suckerz is sort of younger than the other two and sort of much older than all three#shes a sort of updated version of a reallyyyy old sona sort of character I had in like 6th grade I think#back during my lilo and stitch experiment oc era where I had one that was music themed#I also had a digimon variant of her she was called like beatramon or smth like that#she was basically a hypothetical music mascot and shes kind of still that tbh#if I ever get enough into making music that I start posting shit it will be my music mascot
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#now my aunt is in remission...#a lot is happening and i feel the loneliest I've felt since high school#I've only been getting worse since my family denied what i went through and sat there and told me i wasn't probably remembering it correctly#i know what it was like growing up even if it comes back to me in spurts..#but they really have started to make me doubt myself and its the worse cause they never apologized for the neglect and abuse#and they all took their side and acted like i was mistaken and said “ i never saw it happened do it didn't happen#and now i dont even talk to the only two friends i had cause i dont feel the same#if i don't text them first they never ever message me first or even check on me#and im always the one being there for them and listening to them and im just tired lf it all#i dont want a future anymore and im slowly losing my grip ive held on do tight even at my loneliest and now i feel like im losing#i was never anyone's best friend and everyone of the people ive called friends were always closer to someone else#ive only always had myself but im losing hope for the future and i just feel so extremely empty again#i just want to end this feeling and the weed isnt working anymore and working out doesnt work... i need God ive been so far away from him..#Im just slowly losing it more and more im tired of being the friend everyone goes to for advice and laughs or enjoyment#im tired of it so much#the only time i feel joy is the bliss i feel when i sleep and even that joy is never truly felt cause i constantly fight my sleep#i only sleep when my body forced it self to cause i can't naturally just go to sleep st s set time anymore..#im so tired of being people's escape or advice person I'm probably only saying this for the overwhelming feeling#of being a colossal failure and disappointment even so i still try snd try and fail some more#why don't i quit I just dont know why its just something in me that has some glimmer of self hope ive only tried to kms once and failed#maybe ima bit glad i failed but apart of me laughs cause i even failed at kms and find it ironic cause i fail at so many things#im so incapable of salvaging some semblance of normality or consistency#Mr.inconsistent that i am and have been but i refuse to let myself end that way i have to fight for something even in this haze of mine..#i just want to be better why cant i get better and stay good.. maybe it hurts more than i let on finally speaking of what happened#and for them to deny it may have really affected me a lot snd i am just now seeing it manifest it self now ...#i just gotta live with it and just TRY to do better every single day snd in every single situation snd action i take...
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Hi guess who feels like he just experienced 8 consecutive days in a matter of 2?
#rennikorambles#holy fuHUCK I AM SO EXHAUSTED. I AM LITERALLY EXHAUSTED#I WOULDNT BE SURPRISED IF I SAY THIS MIGHT BE THE MOST EXHAUSTING TWO DAYS OF MY FUCKING EXISTENCE...#yesterday in class our very first subject was our advisory one and since the cheer dance has been crucial we just went down to practice#great straining start to the day! (i do like our cheer dance though i think we'll beat the other sections but MAN IS IT TIRING.)#and then i had to go over to the avr to get prized and shit for winning 1st place on the spelling bee(it was nothing dont even care abt it)#and then after that immediately had to go down (since this was the end of class) and practice AGAIN for 2 more hours#good god and thats friday for you#and im pretty sure this was when i discovered that my brother (who usually goes home at 4 and my practice ended then)#had left me behind and gone home already. and like usually whenever i have practice and end at 4 we just go home w#*together#but. yeah. that didnt have me feeling good but it was okay#and when i was ready to pass out hoHOH NOO NONO#my aunt decided hey! we should celebrate your wonderful high grades by going out together (me my brother and my cousin) and h#have a sleepover! and we were just. sure ok. so we had to pack IMMEDIATELY and get on going#more stuff and more waiting in traffic happened and shit and more shit#and then we got to the street mall and hogh boy MORE WALKING. but i love the place so i didnt mind (still walking though. haugh)#and then ate at a place ive never eaten at. i liked the food really! but then my stomach decided death for me#(apparently eating dinner 9 hours after lunch isnt good..?) so the rest of the time my stomach was squeezing and i felt like throwing up#but it was fine i didnt throw up! AND THEN ALSO I FAILED TO MENTION. My class paid to reserve 4 hours at a court to practice#which was at 10 am the next day. so i had to sleep early which i did! woke up at 7 <3 watched enola holmes....#bUT I STILL GOT SO FUCKING LATE I ARRIVED AT 11. didnt even get to savor the sleepover haugh..... and then practice OH practice. sufferings#after a whole problem with a bunch of idiots at the court that barged in we decided to cut the practice at 12:30#i got picked up by my parents then we went home! .BUT ITS NOT OVER YET. WE HAD TO BRING OUR HOUSEHELP TO HER HOUSE#and they said it'd be quick. just a quick drop off to help her.#bUT NOOOOO WE WENT TO THE FILIPINO EQUIVALENT OF COSTCO AND THEN AN AMUSEMENT PARK#WHICH WAS SO COOL OH MY FUCK BUT ALSO HOLY SHIT.#first of all i got to finally try the Vikings ride and a roller coaster! good news i can handle roller coasters!#bad news i cannot handle vikings. theyre.... overwhelming- i couldnt even SCREAM from how scared i was#anyways i roamed phil costco it was so fun. but my poor feet. i have sustained 5 different kinds of body pain.
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Well glad to know I'm not the only one not feeling the Christmas season this year. Mom isnt either
Now we dont know why, but here are my guesses. Feel free to place your bets.
Is it:
Bc our aunt/great-aunt died and essentially dissolved the family
|_> Bc of this we've faced so much bullshit from the surviving family we have left.
Bc the only remaining family we have are major assholes aside from like 4 people.
Long covid?
Work stress/ working under a tyrant piece of shit.
Bc I'm an adult now so the *magic* is gone?
All of the above??
#marquilla#we still havent made cookies and are like i want the cookies but i dont want to make the cookies...#so we agreed we can do it after christmas if need be#i really think it's all of that combined. like my g-aunt dying really tore this family apart. we weren't like close close before but i mean#everyone started taking sides (the executors (my mom) vs my cousins. like listen you motherfuckers she left you [insert number bc i also#got this amount and am not disclosing]. you little freaks need to get over the fact that she loved me as much as if not more than you.#maybe bc i wasn't a fucking entitled brat and was always a polite well behaved child (for her) and didnt take my mommy/daddy issues out on#her. you already got: 2 free cars. 3 fully paid for weddings. 4 college degrees (one that you're not even using bc you havent worked since#college bc you became a tradwife. (not dissing stay at home moms im dissing her making college a BIG DEAL for her and then just#essentially saying haha thanks for the 100k in tuition but no ❤). COUNTLESS hours and money poured#into your lives from her and our g-uncle. amongst the 4 of you. (only 1 is not a brat but thats bc they pretend she doesnt exist bc shes#annoying and autistic so a drain on them they were ever so happy to dump on their dad)#you aren't entitled to any of that. that was a GIFT. your inheritance was well thought out. it is an insult for you to suggest otherwise#anyway so theyre being whiny brats and oh boo hoo you exects are SO MEAN to poor Ally who didnt sign the fucking will and thus held up#$50k FROM A CHURCH. and my uncle (not their dad. their moms brother) is taking their side. his wife is a massive piece of shit ab it too.#dont know whose side dog cousin is on bc shes close to my mom but very close to them. and i know lesbian cousin is on moms side to some#degree. and idgaf what Murderer cousin thinks bc that bitch can and will rot in hell.#so anyway any one we could possibly spend time with this season is either dead or hates us. or lives states away and won't be in til after#and only for a day anyway. and we just dont have the fucking energy to deal with anything
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I've been social all day and I'm gonna have to do it again tomorrow 😭
#post posting#i hung out with my friends the whole day at school#i love my friends it was a good time#but i also socialized with them way more than on a regular day#and then a family gathering#with my aunt and uncle and my parents#and uh they dont get along well#so stressful yk#and then my moms side#my grandparents and their relationship w my parents is fine#but my moms brother and his wife are gonna be there#and i just. cant. they stress me out on their own#but then .y dad fucking hates my aunt so thats just worse#cause my dad isnt quiet abt who he dislikes#dislikes i mean#hes a very angry person#and i really cant deal with it#and then dont even get me started on my dads side of the family#i fucking hate the holidays#i hate that bullshit about the importance of spending time with your family during the holidays#they hate me! and eachother! and i am not stable enough to handle it#do not talk to me about how im supposed to be so grateful for this quality time with them#do not
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A beautiful shelf of books all for me! (all for me!)
#I pulled this bad boy outta the closet in my grandpa covered in dust and old books#so i spruced it up and shoved it into the bedroom next to my desk in place of the old rock table#my aunt called it unnecessary and acted like i was being dramatic#but i dont think she gets what it means to me to put this in here and keep all the books from our grandpa and childhood safe#and while they were safe in there they werent being appreciated#and its unused!!!#dont get me started on all the childhood books i found thrown into the garage that i rescued and brought in#and its sitting in my own closet's shelves that were also just as unused#Still a long way to go...but im happy :)#thanks to my brother who is stronger than me and did most of the heavy lifting because im a toothpick even-#though we took out all the garbage and bookss off it before we moved it#i dont know most of the books in there or in my closet...but i'll get a chance to know em now!#not that i didnt before but i think having it in my own bedroom helps my brain more
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I'm so used to stuff just working out last minute... I'm starting to get worried this time it won't. But I'm sure it will. It will be okay. Like always.
#ignore me#trying to find an apartment...#hope things work out but they are terrible for everyone else and honestly we got lucky with this apartment thanks to connections#but usually everything works out fine for me and we have a good application that we worked hard on#a friend did cause honestly she's an angel but still#i just wanna move closer to my parents#just wish there were more places to live for younger people#everything is too expensive and it's like the world doesnt want you to start a family#and that just makes me so angry cause then they complain about it but instead of making the situation better they just blame people who#dont want kids like they are at fault which is stupid!#my friends are not the problem they are the only hope i have#genuinely they've been so supportive and loving and i know they will love this kid as aunts and uncles and they will be great at it#my baby isnt even here and there are people planning gifts and wanting to start saving money for their future and i know this kid will be#loved and supported by all of us but at the same time I'm angry that the people before us had it so much easier and refuse to make it#easier for us! stop letting others horde the wealth we all need and start actually helping us out#you want kids but are not willing to put in the work for it and quite honestly I'm so fucking sick of it#like instead of building 2 room apartments build something big enough for the big families you want so much but that means missing out on#people to exploit so you lazy fuckers get rich but yeah sure keep pushing your shit conservative views on all of us to protect the same#families and kids that you refuse to support with your shit policies#god this went on a big tangent but in my defense pregnancy hormones are one hell of a trip#and I'm starting to get pissed#and I'm tired#but not tired enough
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Diversity win the pilots flying the fighter jets in the U.S milatary propganda event are all women!
#don't get me started on the popular white man football player crying during the national anthem#🤮🤮🤮#why am i watching the super bowl i dont even like football#the reason my aunt and uncle are feeding me lol#super bowl#xr rambles
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it would explain so much
#fuck#like i feel like ive been getting healthier thinking patterns lately#so maybe i was just rlly neurotic for a bit??#but like#my self worth definitely hinges on other people's perception of me#like sometimes it feels more important than the reality#but like i also feel guilty about that#like i feel ashamed of myself but i still do it#but i also recognize that the thing i need to do to improve that is to stop doing things im ashamed of#and i like the thought of being someone im not ashamed of#but fuck. it would make so much sense#after my aunt died i started feeling like my dad was self-absorbed in a way i am too#and looking at the wiki for communal narcissm#it would make sense#id never heard of the term 'parasuicidal' until that article but that was exactly what i have always done and i even recognized it then#is there such a thing as a self aware narcissist?#i definitely have been overexaggerating to myself the effects of finishing a year and a half of art school#and i mean ive literally used makeup to make myself look more tired on days that i wanted sympathy#like.#AND if people dont talk to Me Specifically in conversations i stop talking and sort of just dissociate#and the thing that scares me about dying is having people know it's my own fault#and i feel like i am always trying to make up for all the everything#and i just. i dont know what to do right now#i feel like im checking all the boxes for vulnerable narcissist#i wanted to find out what was wrong with me but i wanted it to be one of the “nice” disorders#i wanted it to be autism or cptsd or bpd or ocd or one of the other ones that people hear about and feel bad for you#i dont want it to be the one where if you tell people you have it they immediately stop trusting you#i dont want to be untrustworthy or abusive or manipulative#i felt so so so guilty for my entire life and tried so so hard not to be abusive or manipulative or mean or problematic#like i want to be a nice person!!! i dont want to hurt people!!!!
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Ignore
#delete later#im so exhausted and stressed. theres such a lack of stability and its freaking me out SO much. im just constantly tense and waiting#for something terrible to happen. im starting to think that im not gonna get to go to the entomology thing ive been hoping#how i can't do things independently and i must have been forced into this abd rhen it'll get cruel towards my friends abd i cant#and my aunt is getting worse abd my parents are waiting for me to fail abd have to move bsck with them which i can't do bc#to go to for months bc ill probably need to use that time off for preparing to move. which sucks. ive been looking forward to it#i was letting myself get my hopes up and that was a mistake bc now im rly disappointed. im hoping i can go but honestly#idk if it'd be financially responsible. same with comic con. its in october so i can probably go but it might not be a financially#good idea. it just. the things i was counting on to be stable sources of joy are not stable anymore and that's making everything worse#and im tryinh to be positive but im so anxious. theres just so much. i need to think about packing and try to figure out#how im going to move 1-2 hours away. how am i going to coordinate with movers whilst having to get the train to meet them#im disabled and cabt help move things so only getting one person ro deliver worries me. movers arent insured to take ppl with them#theres just SO MUCH. And i can't view properties easily bc of work so im missing out on multiple places that ive been contacting#ppl about abd i couldnt line up enough for last week when i was off bc it was too short notice and i just. its TOO MUCH TOO MUCH#im overwhelmed. im trying to think of the food im gonna cook when im there ahd the armchair im gonna buy#im gonna eat so much fucking lamb and fish oh ny god im excited for THAT#i wany to just go for the shittiest place to at least have some stability and bc i still have yhat kernel of thought that i dont#deserve comfort but im trying to fight it bc i do. i deserve somewhere nice and its unfair on myself not to find somewhere nice#especially as ill be living alone. i cant go for places that have no natural light or are four stories up or are a mile away from the train#station bc that will wreck my mental health and i wont have ready access to socialising that can stabilise me. gotta be fair#to myself. but THATS PROVING REAL DIFFICULT#im doing good saving though so thats nice i guess. fuck me moving is expensive. moving when you've got zero kitchen supplies is#even more so. gonna be an Interesting first couple days in the new place.#it will be. very bad. they keep texting me asking about it and i have to be positive bc otherwise itll become a conversation about#field all that shit when im like this. i just cant. that requires so much fucking energy i dont have. and i wont move back#id frankly rather die. and trying to not say that and decline politely sucks. bc they get the look of#oh we're not good enough huh#and i can't field their fucking feelings. i either need a pause button or a fast forward. id take either one#so many of these tags ended up out of order whoops. but these arent meant to be read anyway#i just need to scream bc idk what else to do
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#kms kmsomskmskms#everything comes back to l****#i want to kill him so bad#and even my grandma and my grandpa i want to just sit them down and tell them Exactly how they fucked everything up#you made my mom suffer through SO MUCH. SO MUCH.#and you dont fucking CARE.#you get all butthurt that no one wants you in your life? yeah. yeah.#you go to hell and think about it there#i understand the cycle of abuse#but do you people bot want to repent?#not want to HELP your fucking KID?#WHO ARE YOU#dont get me started on l****. he's the reason my mom's sister ended up the way she did#and why her kids ended up in the SAME FUCKING SITUATION.#i think mom is depressed because it's EXHAUSTING trying to quell this fucking RAGE ALL THE GODDAMN TIME#i want him to die horribly and in agony#and i want to give *** a piece of my fucking mind#his kids. his fucking KIDS. next to that piece of shit??????#and finding out that my closest cousins weren't allowed to visit#because my fucking brother. lives in my state#and my aunt didnt want her kids close to a guy like that. fantastic#and i just. i got so lfucking lucky#and the worst part is i'm so fucking MAD about it#since it didn't hPpen i dont have to deal with That trauma#so now im just mad#but. i'm sure he's had thoughts#and i wish the wordt for him too#delete
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is there a way to explain to my "no excuse for laziness" family how executive dysfunction works? how autism and ADHD works? how they're not quirks or funny but often quite painful and distressing? (genuine questions)
i'm going to start crying if i have to talk with mom about my future one more time
(more of the rant in the tags. sorry)
#and yeah for the record we do have autistic/ADHD people#my mom is the kind of person who watched some tiktoks and went 'i think i have ADHD lmao'#and my aunt is the kind of person who thinks there's no such thing as an inability and that 'we're all a little autistic'#🙄 give me a break#i told my mom that i refuse to work fast food or retail ever again#(my exception is a quiet place like a small bookstore. not indigo)#and she worked fast food for over a decade and is like 'well i'd go back if i had to'#that's nice mom but i'm not you by a LONG SHOT#like. sorry but i was in so much mental and physical pain working customer/food service#and you think that you know when you actually don't know and don't even want to try and understand#honestly even if things DONT go according to plan as of yesterday i'm still gonna set a goal for myself#to get out of the house by next summer#because honestly fuck this shit i'm so mad and i grow more and more mad with each passing day#like yeah you respect my sensory difficulties but do you respect me when i can't do much more than lie on the couch on my phone?#you respect the fact that i'm autistic and have ADHD but do you understand what that means for me as the person with those disorders?#and not what people online who know AuDHDers say?#do you understand that there are in fact things i am unable to do and things that i used to be able to do but no longer can?#i'm so fed up and frustrated. legit started looking at apartments and jobs yesterday#(context: aunt is going to try and move to the US to be closer to her partner next year and mom and i can't stay in the house ourselves)#(so mom asked what my plans are and i told her it really depended on the next few months)#(but honestly i don't want to get that job. i want to finish my associate's and leave. i'm done.)#(and i want to move out of this house filled with people who respect me but refuse to try and understand it from my perspective)#vent#actually autistic#actually adhd
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