#dont ask me how ive managed this long without

[speakofthedebbie]

researching fair use definitions so i dont get copyrighted into the fucking sun if i use insane in the bg of the theoretical painting timelapse for the wooden deer.

[michameinmicha]

Spent the whole day packing with the help of my best friend, i am so exhausted and we got half my room in boxes but im really proud (and excited and sad and scared) its so surreal that this really happening!!

[ambersky0319]

New Employee aquired today

My manager: Hey Grace maybe you can show NE some things, but don't overwhelm her

Me:

Me: so like. make sure it's not a repeat of my first day???

[orcelito]

Salty bitch in me sooooo satisfied by the fact that I probably make more money than the person who made my life hell last year lmfaooooo

[phagodyke]

was brave and talked to my doctor abt my period bs + she said it might be endometriosis without me even having to bring it up... 💀

[dexaroth]

looong post about missing using backpacks and high-school experiences and personal feelings on the general 'busy/executive' look from carrying luggage and stuff. idk lots of thoughts here to summarize

theres this one hole that being done with high-school left me that's just. having a place to go. being busy, sort of..

having a backpack full of trinkets and your pencil case filled with clips and highlighters. or the rare bunches of printing and colored paper for the art projects or those mathematical rulers you used 3 times the whole year

and most importantly.. the feeling of being a Guy who has Places to go. look at all this luggage! the amount of things I need that goes beyond a simple bag! quite the work eh?

of course half of that perception is just 'wow! executive adult with responsibilities!' but not entirely, there are definitely tasks that require a lot of gear and stuff. filming crews, folks with laptops etc. and then there's the elusive Guy with a Big Bag With Wheels. thats the peak of the ideal

as with everything in my life specifically it all circles back to being disabled and having to stay at home bc I literally am not capable of physically doing anything even remotely close to what the generic student/employed person does and I think that helps a lot to the kind of romanticized view I have of this sorta thing

in a good day a majority of people would rather not have to carry and worry about a pack full of stuff or having to carry the weight of a computer and then some. but it's not that bad if you like/love what you're doing even if it requires those things yknow?

every year of high-school, even if it was the worst experience of my life that degraded me mentally physically and made me so fucked I had to cut myself in between or during classes.. I still looked up to the starting week and the feeling of a kind of new beginning. and packing everything to be super ready to whatever was to come like I was about to spend a month in the wild or climb a mountain

camping and stuff is another kind of 'look at all this shit we're packing and gadgets we have to make fire or little lanterns or makeshift homes (tents) that we have' and its just. holy shit man you sure are busy with a lot of stuff to do huh. and you've got the money to buy it all and friends to enjoy it with you. and you're going to the woods for fun and not to run away from your life because everything sucks. you've got your life all figured out! if only I could also match this unrealistic utopic vision that's sold in every sleeping bag package lol! 🙃

and the rest of this romanticized view also extends a bit to gender and self esteem in a way

of course I, a disabled person, would love to be a person that Can go places and even Has places to go and is important enough to have a complex task that needs all that luggage. and looks like a guy. maybe even a fancy guy with fancy bags and fancy clothing. it's all very important, being all that! unlike being a nobody that has to ask for a seat bc he can't stand for 2 minutes without crumpling like a wet sock because of his fucked up spine and spaghetti muscles

everybody looks up to someone who has something that they don't and wish they had or were like.. and I'm so miserable I just wish I mattered enough to be that average guy crossing the street with his bag on his shoulder. and it just so happens that's asking too much of life in my case

[vorpalfae]

ppl keep asking me why i havent been posting a lot and its because ive been in extreme withdrawal from serious opiates for a MONTH now. i take 3 8mg strips of suboxone daily. and when i dont take 1 of them i get sick within a few hours. its now been a fucking month.

i lost my insurance without my knowledge and upon finding out, i had to pay for my medicine out of pocket until it was fixed. and because of the extreme withdrawal i missed a few appointments telling them i was in so much physical pain i couldn't drive. and so i was booted from that office and now i am awaiting getting into a clinic specifically for suboxone that is within walking distance.

i honestly don't know how ive managed to make it this long without my medication. and ive been on suboxone for years so i know its going to get worse. it HAS been getting worse each day. i have to get back on it in order to taper off of the drug completely.

anyone else i know probably would have relapsed on heroin by now. (that was the drug i got clean from). and i have been tempted to just do it to end the suffering im in.

words cannot even describe the amount of pain and torture i am feeling. i only have another week left until i get into this clinic. they said they will call if an opening is available but there is such a long wait list because i live in a city that has a realllyyy bad opiate problem.

i think ive only made it this long because of my kids and the fact that i refuse to throw away 5 years of sobriety because my insurance company failed to notify me that i needed to re-apply for insurance.

the pain is fucking excruciating and everything in me is telling me i cant go much longer without using something to make it stop. its messing with my head. and its not like before when i was homeless and addicted to heroin. i always have money on me. i live in a bad neighborhood where dealers are all around me. im doing my best to try to distract myself with video games. i am literally so sick i can barely even move. thank god i have ppl here to help me but even they can see that im starting to lose it mentally 😭😭😭😭😭

and before anyone tells me i should just rough it and not get back on suboxone:

suboxone withdrawal can last for months. ive already been off of it for a month and its only gotten worse not better. and i have been on suboxone since i was 19. im 27 now. so i would probably be looking at many months of torturous withdrawal. the only way i can actually get clean from suboxone is by tapering off of it little by little, which i was waiting to do because i have a toddler to take care of and tapering off of it is hell too.

[crazylittlejester]

HIIII YOU!! I hope you're doing sooo well, I just wanna send in an ask because I miss you. dearly. as I always do. I'm so sappy and I just feel so hurt seeing you hurt because no one should be hurting :((

small itty bitty adventure thing i guess but I went to the hospital yesterday for an appointment, got something in my arm which SURPRISINGLY didn't hurt or pinch this time?? weird????? but I was starving so my mom let me buy a jumbo pretzel and some chocolate so I was happy :3 (I could go on about how tasty pretzels are oh my god AND WITH THE CHEESE AHHHHH)

and then after school I met up with my mom and brother again to get some stuff for my brothers new job he's secured with some of the neighbors, it's so adorable that he's still young yet managing to help out people and earn money..... shedding a tear.... also big mention but places have christmas decorations already and oh my god they are soooooo cute ARGH I love shopping for decorations of any kind it's so fun and so silly to find all sorts of stuff

anyways that was all the interesting stuff that happened yesterday, I'm also going on a trip this saturday so hooray!!!!!! long ass plane ride here i come!!!! /sarc

hopefully this makes you a little more happy, you're always sharing your adventures with me and all the stuff that happens with you so I thought I'd share some of my own stuff with you too!! that is, if anything interesting DOES end up happening lmao

MAKE SURE TO STAY AWESOME AS ALWAYS AND I LOVE YOUU MY FRIEND!! /P

HI HELLO!! i miss you too, im sorry i haven’t sent an ask your way in a while, ive been so drained i haven’t had the energy to do anything. there’s been no adventures, i literally have gone a full month without buying gas because i just Do Not leave my house 😭

i hope ur doing good and that your arm is okay, AND ALSO SLAY DUDE, I LOVE PRETZELS. im devastated because 4 years ago they took the pretzel place out of the mall that was allergy safe for me and nothing on this earth has hit the same since so i’ve determined to try every soft pretzel in my area until i can find the best one aldkdkdk. i LOVE pretzels 🫶 so so much

ISTG THE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS WENT UP AT MIDNIGHT NOVEMBER 1ST, how did they put up all the trees that fast 😭 where did the spooky things go they’re all GONE (i still have my spooky things out, i like my skeleton candles :3 )

dawg you travel so much thats so cool, i hope you have fun wherever you’re going!! i have the urge to go on a roadtrip once i have more energy (and gas in my car), adventure calls to me ✨

hearing from you always makes me happy dude, i love to hear you yap :) YOU STAY AWESOME AS WELL, AND TRAVEL SAFE. ILY MWAH /p

BTW I WAS SCROLLING THROUGH BLUESKY LAST NIGHT COS ID JUST MADE MY ACC AND YOU JUST POPPED UP AND I SCREAMED LIKE “OH MY GOD I KNOW THAT GUY?????” AT LIKE 3 IN THE MORNING, BECAUSE I LITERALLY DONT KNOW HOW SOCIAL MEDIA OTHER THAN TUMBLR WORKS (im stupid) AND I WAS JUST SCROLLING AND MESSING AROUND AND THERE YOU WERE AKSMDMDMDM

[ndoandou]

Ikevamp bois playing modern games part 2

Vincent

Vincent is way into.. gartic phone

Qnd perhaps skribble.io

Like way into it

He would sit down 12 hours in front of the computer and guess what HES BEEN PLAYING GARTIC PHONE AND SKRIBBLE.IO IN A LOBBY OF RANDOMS

12 HRS IN HES STILL NOT DONE WITH BOTH GAMES

Hed obv speedrun a drawing in a short period of time and manage to make it look *chefs kiss*

Imagine if skribble.io had a vc feature tho

No no, like imagine if people were actually toxic in this goofy ahh game

They would yell down vincent down the mic telling him to go play with photoshop

Randoms are salty that vincent can draw and portray even the most ridicilous prompts which results him with the highest score always

Not to mention hes really good at guessing even the shittiest drawimgs from other ppl

"Broer how- that persons drawing looks ridicilous, even arthur's dog could draw that"

"Don't be mean theo! I could guess the drawing from the emotional connection i felt from it"

Jean

Jean has a shitty brick nokia phone

And he really loves playing snake II

No im serious

Well i suppose momte doesnt trust him with any other phones than that

the last time he was given a smartphone he downloaded some hack and slash game

took the word slash literally and then proceeded to cut the phone into two

comte was too stunned to speak

momte didn’t want his kids to miss out on gadgets but he cant have jean destroying his smartphone

BINGO! a nokia 3310 it is! 

jean didnt know how to react at first, but he found it easier to navigate and thats when he found out baout snake II

found it a bit pointless at first but despite saying that, he doesnt realize that thats the only thing he does besids fencing

snake II is his pre workout

the only thing he will be doing before his fencing practice

before meals

and before bed

‘‘jean are you sure you haven’t had enough of snake II..?’‘ comte asked causiously as he never know how his son Jean would react

jean looked at comte and stayed silent for a hot minute

‘‘no’‘

Napoleon

OK FLASH BACK TO MY E BOY NAPOLEON FANART FROM 2021

its official

He plays league of legends

Napoleon is deffo a jungle/top main

Jungle preferabbly

Bros actually cracked coz hed turn any non meta champs into an absolute beast

I see him being especially good with pantheon jungle

Hed play league with jean tbh

And jean would be a dedicated top

But i dont see jean being the best player..

No, like imagine napoleon defending jean from "top troll" and getting spammed "?" On his lane

Napo would literally go to that persons lane just to steal their minion last hits

If hes feeling extra hed even use pantheons ult to yeet over to that player to ks all the minions on that person's lane 😭

"Jgl troll gg"

Ok napo is actually not toxic and is rly nice to play with

Hed even supp for you if ur learning a new champ

Hes only toxic to people who are toxic to his buddies

Comte

Ill be honest

Comte looks like someone who would download all games from every ad pop up he gets

And im talking about anything gacha related

He does not care whether the game is explicit or not as long as he can collect pretty characters

Is he interested in the gameplay??? Probably not.

"For what reason did you spend $$$$$$ on xxx game???" Leonardo asked as he scrolled through comte's in game billings, cocking an eyebrow

"Hm? Well i simply wanted to collect all of these lovely looking characters."

"Without leveling up your characters?"

"Non"

"Do you understand how to play this game?"

Comte only looked at him with his unwavering smile

"honestly this is the most ridicilous spending ive witness from you, heh" Leo snorted

"Much appreciated, but i dont recal asking for any input, old friend" comte retorted

Leo looked at him and sighed

"Honestly at this point i shouldn't be surprised"

.

.

This took me forever to upload because i coulndn't figure what type of game comte would play then one day i was like AHAAAAA

Also i didn't proof read as always so pls dont chop my head off :"))

[aropride]

thinking about therapy again bc i knowww i need to be in it. but i think one of my inarguable needs in a therapist is that they see me as an equal? i guess is the best way to put it. and thats not really something you can Ask it's more of a vibes based thing. but like. i hate playing stupid with doctors psychiatrists therapists etc i want to be like This is what im experiencing These are the resources ive looked into This is what i think is going on. where do we go from here. and like i know a fair amount about psychology and i dont want to have to pretend i dont. or for them to assume i dont. and like id look into peer support and stuff but i feel like thats more short term and less intensive than id need to unpack my childhood stuff. Oh i completely forgot to post and also finish typing this. anyway idk like what are even the chances of finding a provider in my area, who takes my insurance and is willing to work with me abt the copay, whose main modality isnt cbt, whos experienced in cptsd/dissociative disorders, and also who i click with as a person. idk. it feels completely hopeless lol and i know its not but like. maybe im fine rn like maybe i dont even need therapy really (least fine guy youve ever met voice)

but the other problem is i also need like, a social worker who isnt school-related and extremely overworked (god bless her tho omg) bc i need a lot of help getting like, case management and applying for disability etc. and just normal therapy isnt gonna help me when i also need those things. but i feel like most long term therapists arent also social workers and vice versa

and i dont even know what modality would be helpful for me. i know dbt WAS when i was younger, but now i know like. the basics, ive learned the coping skills etc. so idk if it would still be helpful? and i know like, somatic focused therapy or whatever would probably be helpful, because actually understanding what my body was doing and why and how that effects my mental health has been really helpful in the past. but also i feel like a lot of somatic therapists are... whats a nice way to say this. like a lot of the ppl ive seen either on like psychologytoday etc or on instagram reels are. the type of guy to buy dreamcatchers on shein and use cherrypicked parts of other cultures without understanding their cultural context. and, like, try to cure my dissociative disorder with reiki or something. Sorry im thinking abt the therapist i had in early 2020 now

idk i just dont really know what to look into even. bc ive heard good stuff from a friend abt emdr but im skeptical of emdr like, casually. like i havent tried it and i dont know a huge amount about it, but on the surface it kinda sounds like bullshit- yeah just look between these lights and think about stuff and thatll fix you. but i also understand how repetitive movement can be calming (#autism) and it makes sense that being exposed to those memories and also in a safe place would be helpful? and i like that u dont have to talk abt the traumas in depth out loud. but i also feel like thats more for single-event traumas or at least trauma that u like, remember

and i feel like being able to talk out loud abt stuff would help me. like having another person to bounce my thoughts off of whos not like. a friend. and is able to deal w that kind of thing. and is also paid to do so. And can also help me like. recognize when im being insane. but also Wont assume im being insane and that all my thoughts are fucking cognitive distortions

idk its just exhausting trying to figure out What i even want from therapy other than to Feel Better and stop losing entire months of my life sometimes and to be able to like. make phone calls and talk to people and not feel evil and insane all the time. and to be able to live away from my parents and have a life, whether that involves Employment or not. one of my short-term goals in therapy w a long term therapist would explicitly be to decide my long term goals and how i'll know i met them. bc i think talking abt the therapeutic relationship w my therapist up front is something that would benefit me. due to the avoidance.

idk. wgat everrrr.

[whitefangz]

sorry i need to overshare on tumblr dot com. nothing serious but it might be long so im putting it under a readmore

i started seeing a therapist in june and just stopped and i am not intending this to come across as anti therapy in any way but im like LASKJF idk. i need to tell somebody else about this. I contacted her in like mid May i think and i specifically sought her out bc she said she does cognitive behavioral therapy and ive read thats a good option for people dealing w my issues and started seeing her in june and like. The first couple of times were fine i honestly didnt really like it but everyone and their dog is always like ohhh it always kinda sucks at first and also i simply hate talking about my feelings etc so i expected that. fine whatever. anyway red flag number one was that she didnt seem to understand how insurance works at all and said i could just pay her on venmo. and i was like. Um ok. but she said i wouldnt need to for a couple weeks so i just left it alone. red flag number two is that one time she brought her enormous dog and it lunged at me and tried to bite me in the face. LASJKFG which to be honest. I almost walked out at that point and i mean she was very apologetic + usual dog owner "he never does that im so sorry!!!!!!" and removed him from the office but like Who fucking brings their horse sized dog to a therapy appt without asking if the person is ok with it. And like she was accredited and shit its not like i was going to see someone in their basement. i would ignore these if i thought her sessions were like remotely helpful but all she would do was like. Ask me about what i did and then tell me not to do that. Like i pace around the house a lot when im anxious. and she would be like well try not to do that. ok! see you next week. Like. Do you think ive not thought of that one. she also kept insisting that my phobia has to be like rooted in some kind of trauma or that its actually Secretly about being afraid of embarrassment and i would be like. i dont think its either of those things. and then she'd be like Ok well i don't really know how to help you :/ Which honestly idk. i was put off by her saying that repeatedly as is but then last week she just decided she was going to make me try exposure therapy which i told her before i don't want to do / don't feel ready to do right now. i just want to focus on managing the anxiety first. and she just like told me to do it anyway LJKFD idk. i emailed her to tell her i didnt want to continue and she was like that's ok. you might want to try EMDR therapy. btw you still ahve to pay me on venmo. and im just sitting here like 1) No i dont think i will need to try that and 2) I paid her thru my insurance like a normal person LASKJF like i dont know. i feel like i dodged a bullet or something. i'll try again someday but at this point im just happy to stop paying $20 a week for a woman to tell me to meditate. perhaps this is an uninteresting wall of text but if you read this far picture me shaking your hand. just a life update from me

[pawlmtree]

שלום, מה נשמע ✨🦁

what sort of stuff do you do to manage your EDS and widespread pain (no pots for me). I’m looking for some items and recs because my pains really flaring up during finals and I wanna get back home to a comfy place all set up with disability friendly stuff. thank u!

🦓🎉

I had another question I’ll put here too, which was could you give a list of the things that help you work as an EDS/pain guy like me? I’m looking into a better chair but I’m sort of overwhelmed and lost and in pain when I work too long, and I haven’t worked in months because i can’t find a good setup. product recs here also work great but I’m really just looking to ask what’s made ur life a little easier :,)

shalom!! 🦁

it really differs from person to person what items will help, and also depends on where your pain is, so all i can do is share what's helped me personally, and hope that perhaps some of it could apply to you

wrist braces

for wrist pain - i go through periods where i wear them and periods where i don't, they can be helpful for stability during times of activity, some people wear them when they sleep bc many (myself included) often accidentally hyperextend our joints during sleep -_- but do be careful not to wear them all the time bc it can sometimes cause more pain or result in weakness

compression gloves

for hand pain/finger joint pain - i don't use these much lately but i used to use them almost every day in combo with wrist braces to try to calm down finger + wrist pain by providing tightness and support, honestly they just feel really nice and comforting in general for me personally but theyre not for everyone.

plastic finger splints

these changed my life when i was having severe finger joint hyperextension and pain..... wearing them restricts the finger joints from hyperextending/bending too far which is helpful in preventing pain and keeping your joints in a more normal range... these helped me a lot for finger pain so i highly recommend them if you have finger pain!!

KT TAPE

i don't use it much anymore because it's kind of annoying to apply and remove, but it helped me a lot with keeping my knees, elbows, and wrists within better ranges of movement, and it felt really comfortable and tight in a secure and safe way if that makes any sense..!? warning is that it can be painful to remove if you have sensitive skin or body hair, but i take it off in the shower which helps a bit. its economically more worth it to buy a roll and cut it yourself rather than buying pre cut pieces, but if you dont have the patience or spoons for cutting it each time then they do make pre cut pieces!

other than that i have used a cane, elbow crutch, and now a hybrid manual/electric wheelchair, with the wheelchair ABSOLUTELY CHANGING MY LIFE ive had the least amount of pain and highest about of mobility (in terms of spending 5+ hours outside!! wow!!) that ive had in a long time, and if your condition gets to the point where going places is difficult/painful/anxiety inducing to you because of how much pain you'll be in during or afterwards, please don't feel ashamed to look into using a mobility aid!

as for the second question, honestly i still struggle with that myself, i can't keep up as well as i'd like to on my homework and commission work, but what does help is trying to maintain good posture while on the computer (sitting in a chair without slouching too much, keeping my neck from bending weird and trying not to hyperextend wrists or fingers while typing, which ermmm i still fail at a lot)

also trying to switch position and task every 2 or so hours is what's necessary for me, unfortunately i suck at doing this and get hyperfocused on drawing for 3+ hours sometimes, which ends up in a lot of pain and soreness afterwards -_- so i do recommend trying to give yourself breaks/switching position and task every so often if it is possible for you to do so...

thank you for the message and i wish you so much luck and low-pain days <3

[rowarn]

HIIIIIII ROOWAAAAAARRRRNNNN!!1!1!1!1!!!! I KNOW U DONT KNOW ME BUT I LOV U AND UR WRITING!!! i was wondering whats ur take on simon regarding his mask? would he be really insecure or reserved abt it? ive seen so many diff takes on it (some ppl r saying hes cocky bc of that voice line ‘quite the opposite’ when soap asked him if he was ugly), and some say that he just has the worst confidence

HIIIIIII THANK U SM HAPPY TO HAVE U HERE!!!

i think that simon could be confident or have bad confidence. it depends how u wanna look at it. he could just be naturally confident in his looks for a multitude of reasons; he's confident in his skills and abilities and that just leaks into him having good self confidence in general. or, his confidence could just be a façade that he uses to hide.

as for his mask i think either way he's definitely reserved. i'm partial to the "he only shows his face if you have earned all of his trust long-term". and i think that if you were to accidentally see his face before he was ready he'd actually be angry. like his first reaction would be anger. it doesn't matter if you just accidentally walked into the room at the wrong time, it doesn't matter if you weren't being malicious -- he's just a reactionary individual when it comes to his boundaries.

in the comics he very notably has anger-management problems as a result of his trauma. and ik its not technically the same ghost in the 2022 game as in the comics but i still think it's fun to use the comics as sort of the building blocks of his character.

so i definitely subscribe to simon having a bit of a temper. he tries to reign it in especially around those he cares for but sometimes he just....gets triggered. and i think seeing him without his mask before he's ready is a big trigger for him!!

[nanistar]

Any advice on how to draw backgrounds? Gotten to the point in my art where im semi confident in drawing poses and expressions but backgrounds?? girl help i can only somewhat draw a tree

oh hell yeah i love backgrounds, ive been working on more interiors lately (when not overburdened by sbc work lol) but im assuming you're asking about nature so that's how im going to answer it as okay so: -first of all find yourself a good TEXTURED blending/smudging brush because it will save your life. i use these rock texture brushes from This Studio Ghibli pack, it's $6 and i HIGHLY recommend the whole pack because it's the main one i use for most of my bg foliage/grass ect and i love it dearly

-find references either in irl photos or other artist's work. if using another artist's work watch their speedpaints or look at what you like about their art style and techniques and steal it. im serious. obviously don't trace it and pass it off as something of your own but look at how they do the aspects you struggle with, and try to incorporate that

for me, that struggle is forest foliage because i have a hard time filling out the spaces without everything looking like same colored blobs, so i looked at how my buddy hannah mudshadow does bgs because she's really good at filling out a scene and making it look natural, and i noticed she uses a lot of abstract shapes instead of trying to render every leaf, so rather than doing my base work for bushes/trees with a leaf brush, i use a chunky scatter brush now and it looks really good, and then i can go and add some leaf brushes on top of that for more definition in areas that might catch light ect so that will give it the thick, bushy .. bush look without looking crowded or too shaped

-nature is messy as hell and things are never going to be perfectly shaped and toned unless you're drawing perfectly managed hedges or something. got some dirt brown on your green bush? those are dead leaves now. accidental weird texture on your tree? the bark is gone there, something ate it. bushes and trees have dead branches that just hang out there in them, grass grows long and sometimes a deer or whatever doesn't eat the whole patch so there's long uneven sprigs sticking up. petals fall off flowers. trees have huge webs of branches

-don't try to detail everything. make things further away more abstract and messy to give the illusion of detail. throw a gradient over it for some slight tone variation or something so it;s not completely flat but ppl are going to look at your subject and see the rest of it with the corner of their eyes, so you don;t need to fully render every flower in the field. here's some examples of that

the cactuses in the far BG are just V and Y shapes, the joshua tree in the middle distance is dark with some light blobs right on the edge where the needles would catch light.

this is from 2021 so be nice to me but as the flowers go back in the distance, i stop rendering their petals and start doing blue dots with white dots, and then even further away i just sorta blend blue and green together to give the illusion of a field of flowers.

-i dont know what your style is, but i personally hate using a ton of layers and tend to merge them as i go, but for the most part i draw every panel of SBC bg on the same 1 layer, going back to front (start with sky, mountain, bg grass, foreground grass and cactus, then go back and scatter foliage as necessary) and it keeps my stuff loser and i tend to get less precious about making things look perfect. i also work very fast because i am unironically really lazy at art and am desperate for shortcuts.

-oh yeah one more thing. assuming you draw cats, cats are SOOOOOO small in comparison to literally everything. as warrior artists i think our perspective gets a but confused sometimes (i am certainly guilty of this too!) and there is absolutely nothing wrong with this because sometimes that's just how you have to build your scenes, but it really makes me laugh when i see scenes of like, rusty jumping off his fence to go into the woods, but the fence is only a bit taller than him. so try to remember things are huge and cats are small as hell

na'ni's a huge cat, all things considered but look at her compared to my small aloe plant

or the cedar tree in my front yard.

absolutely microscopic. don't look at my slippers.

so yeah. i hope this helps, it's not so much a tutorial because i don't think i'm the best person for tutorials because honestly i dont know much and this is all stuff i've picked up on, like i dont know shit about composition or values or color theory but this is important stuff to keep in mind about the environments themselves. don't worry too hard about colors at first because you can always change it by adjusting your curves n stuff. or slap a filter on that bad boy. or dont. also pay attention to your horizon line because it helps angle the rest of your piece. but look up tutorials for that because i only started learning about it like a week ago

[a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire]

Some of you have probably noticed that I havent made a liveblog post in a while. Well, thats because I usually read on the bus and during my classes and then I come home and summarize my thoughts on the 2-5 chapters I read after theyve marinated in my head for a little while, but unfortunately i appear to be incapacited at the moment so I cant do that. But because its been weeks and I dont wanna forget anything and I would very much like to finish this series soon, I'll try to read at home sometimes from now on. Since my brain is still a lil mush Im gonna do what I did for my last post, which is write down what Im thinking as Im reading instead of summarizing all my thoughts retroactively, except this time I have my german copy on hand so if I want to quote something it'll be a translation

Anyway, with all that said, welcome to my twisted mind, please enjoy my thoughts on A Court of Mist and Fury Chapters 40

Chapter 40

Ive been wanting to say this for a while now but i kept forgetting, but they translated 'winnowing' as 'den Wind spalten' ['splitting the wind'] and that is objectively so much cooler, shoutout to my gal Alexandra Ernst for that

Feyre being like "ugh, its so pathetic how these human guards think they could stand a chance against even one of us" hurts me so much you guys what have they done to my girl

Once again, its apparently perfectly fine if Rhysand doesnt tell Feyre anything "because she never asked" but if Tamlin doesnt tell her anything when she never asked hes the devil

Also once again, Feyre is perfectly not-triggered at Mor wearing a scarlet dress

Idk how to explain this, but Rhysand saying that Feyre is wearing a golden crown because "she looks so good with it, how could he not give her one" is somehow the perfect encapsulation of the hollowness of her High Lady title

Oh, of course three of the queens only showed up to watch the other two talk, itd be too hard to write dialogue if they actually participated in this important conversation

hello???? Feyre referring to humans as "your kind" ??? wth is going on

"every side bears some blame" hey rhysand ive got a question for ya. which side enslaved the other again

everytime the oldest queen does anything the prose feels the need to remind me of how old and wrinkly she is and its like, i get it, shes OLD

The oldest queen is spitting so hard rn, Im not even gonna question how they heard of the night court when Feyre, who lived closest to Prythian for many years, didnt know anything aout the individual courts prior to getting there herself, Im just gonna put her whole little monologue here: "Oh? [...] The High Lord of the Night Court asks that we join him so that we can save lives together? Fight for peace? And what about the lives that you have taken during your long, despicable existance? What about the High Lord who shrouds himself in darkness and destroys the mind of those who stand in his way? [...] We have heard of you on the continent, Rhysand. We have heard of what the Court of Night is capable of, what you do to your enemies. Peace? I wouldn't have thought that you - a man who enslaves the minds of others and kills them out of pure enjoyment - even know that word."

Anyway, she was spitting absolute bars and Feyre gets super mad about it and almost commits arson but manages to reign herself in and its like girlie, why are you so upset? one of the first things we find out about the night court in this book is that they apparently indiscriminately kill (or atleast torture) anyone who crosses the night court border without permission like theyre the fucking us government, i think the bad reputation is justified

Forgive me if I sound callous, but I have absolutely no sympathy for Rhysand flinching at the mention of Amarantha when Feyre didnt even use her name and is also talking about how she fucking DIED AT HER HANDS

God, I feel like I have something to say about every single line this post is gonna be like 10 thousand words long by the time Im done

So lets take it from the top; Feyre tries to convince the mortal queens to give them the half of the book by recounting to them how much everyone suffered under Amarantha and how she was gruesomely beaten to death and then revived, which is not a compelling argument to me, who actually witnessed all of that, much less these queens who have barely any context for anything shes saying right now

The oldest queen is like "you dont know anything about anything" which is true what the fuck does Feyre know about whats going on in the human world or even the fae world at large, and then Rhysand growls "dont you dare talk down to her!!" because shes passionate and speaking from the heart or whatever and its like, okay, shes still not good at politicking or even just basic negatioation and shes talking to a seasoned politician who old as fuck

Like, if Feyre was actually smart, she wouldve long since realized that she couldnt convince these queens to protect this little slip of land right up to prythians border and been like "okay, you dont wanna protect the land, but can you atleast organize an evacuation so you can atleast save the people" Sure, they definitely still wouldnt have agreed to that because its a sjm book and theyre written to be comically evil, but it would atleast demonstrate Feyre being a little savvy, because right now all we're getting is her being stupid and stubborn in a situation where she really cant afford that

god, im just now noticing how pissed off I am, its been bleeding into my commentary and its not gonna stop, Im sorry. wait no, if youre reading this youre probably looking for negativity, so youre welcome, actually

Anyway, Rhys also says that Feyre is a kindhearted soul looking out for people who cant defend themselves even though she definitely thought that those human guards were pathetic for wanting to defend themselves when she and the other fae were soooooo much more powerful and he definitely knows that because the mental bond is fully open during this meeting and he chastises the queens for being selfish and cowardly when its like, my brother in christ you are doing the exact same bullshit, but atleast the queens are defending a wholeass continent while hes defending one (1) city. and iirc that city ends up getting attacked and destroyed anyway so good job my guy

Theres something so oddly biblical about the story Mor is telling about Miriam, down to her name being Miriam

That island thats removed from time is such bullshit istg

Is it just me or have these bozos not actually explained what they even need the other half of the book for. theyre just like "we need to stop this war and we'd like peace between humans and fae" and its like cool, hows the book gonna help with that though

im sorry, feyre wants to punch that old woman in the face????

the chapter ends with Elain being like "I hope they burn in hell" and i get that, they just straight up said that they want to abandon a whole bunch of people (them included) to die if a war breaks out, but you cant say that the night court girlies are not also at fault for being so fucking bad at politics

[defiantdreemurrs]

i think part of the reason i appreciate armored core more than souls now is because i feel like im actually pretty good at armored core

ive been playing souls games for like 8 and a half years and while i feel like im pretty alright i still consistently feel not particularly good at the games when im outside of my comfort zone

versus armored core where ive only played for like 4 months but i feel like im actually pretty good at these games because of how much it activates my brain

i feel like i use a lot more of my brain playing armored core than when i play souls because theres *so* many things to keep track of and the intense stimulation is just enough to keep my ADHD occupied so i can focus on the things i need to focus on

its like that episode of my little pony where rainbow dash has trouble studying until twilight realizes how well she retains information while flying because the amount of information hitting her is stimulating enough to her brain that shes able to retain things

as opposed to other situations where theres not enough stimulation and its harder to focus on the things i *want* to focus on

i gotta keep track of enemy positions, my position, my AP, my energy, my ammunition, which weapons i have active, i gotta swing my lock box in the right directions, i gotta manage my boosting (less so in 6 but holy christ is it a lot to get used to at first esp when playing an aerial build in the early games), is this weapon the right one for this situation or am i not following my internal rhythms and instead just using weapons incredibly unstrategically, i gotta manage 6 individual fingers doing individual things and make sure theyre all working independent of each other

its so much to keep track of at any given moment and it can sometimes become *over* stimulating but armored core is one of the few series thats able to keep me fully 100% invested without any kind of background noise

and a lot of it is just building up internal rhythms, patterns, timings, and letting your subconscious brain handle those things so you can focus on the less predictable elements, like memorizing about how long you can boost for before needing to stop and refill your energy so you dont have to think about it as much and can instead devote more resources to aiming or weapon usage

or memorizing the patterns in which you use your weapons based on the situation (how long does each weapon take to reload, whats the most efficient way to manage damage output, in 6 now with the stagger mechanic you might have to ask which weapons are more efficient at building up ACS overload or more efficient at doing damage *after* reaching ACS overload)

these games are so intense on my brain in the best of ways and i love them so much