#dont @ me about my run on sentences
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listen im ace and im pro kink at pride and whatever, but the way some of yall are wording your posts in response to the backlash against it is uh. really taking me back to the ace shitcourse era.
yall know theres nothing wrong with being a "virgin", right? that its not inherently shameful to have not had sex, to never have sex, even if youre not ace, even if you do want to have sex someday, like, its fine that you haven't had sex?
maybe if your problem is that theyre trying to police your behavior and shame you for expressing your sexuality, you can say that? instead of resorting to "haha stupid virgin gets no bitches" like my god. do you not hear how fucking regressive that attitude is? i know, i know, youre "joking".
get a better joke
#toy txt post#god im going to regret this post im gonna regret it so much i can feel it in my bones#let it flop..........pls#internalize my message let it sink in and understand what i am saying and then let the post flop#i say. knowing the ppl who need to see such a message are the ones who will make me regret this post and regrwt not having#1 million bajillion disclaimers#virgin is in quotes bc its a bullshit made up stupid purity culture concept anyway and quite frankly i hate even seeing the word#disclaimer: the previous sentence is not me saying that it is a slur for asexuals. it is me a single individual saying this specific word#grosses me out to read and see everywhere when its a stupid bullshit binary made up or at least historically largely used#to shame largely women and i dont know why we're still using it in 2023#and ive just been. seeing such an uptick in this whole like. attitude? lately and like#im ace im minorly sex repulsed. mostly about anything sex at me bad. other adults sex at each other consensually? go wild#i like to think im pretty chill about it. i try to be. i think its fine ig to be like 'my meat is huge i fuck so much so good'#like okay not my thing but good for you. love that for you#but then some of yall have started turning it back around back to. 'haha your meat so small and shriveled you get no bitches'#'haha stupid incel virgin' like okay. didnt realize we all went back to fucking. middle school but okay#god im gonna run out of tine to get ready for my thing writing this stupid post UGH evil#but like idk we've kinda circled back to being like haha being a virgin still is stupid and silly and shameful#and if im quite honest. i do think the acecourse played a part in that bc i felt like we were making good progress in like#hey guys is fine to not have sex ever if you dont want to its fine to not want sex its fine#and then aphobes went fucking rabid on us and splintered and destroyed online communities all over but especially on tumblr#and so many aces went back in the closet we stopped talking about it we stopped spreading awareness and now this stupid goddamn like#and now this stupid bullshit attitude is back where its like funny to call someone a virgin as an insult but like no bro trust me its okay#its okay for me to do it bc im a hot queer person with huge meat instead of a cisstraight frat bro with huge meat#? like you know the issue was the behavior right? not the fact that it was straight dudes saying it? its bc the thing being said was shitty?#you know you can dunk on the puritan bitches trying to police your behavior at pride without getting us as collateral damage right#stop making me read that stupid ugly ass word ur not cool or funny#whatever#if you come on to this post to start shit i will not only block you but as many of your mutuals and followers as i can find. i will scroll#i will block this entire fucking website if i need to do not test me. i am exhausted and the acecourse ate up all my tolerance in 2015.
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steddyhands modern au inspired by this post:
(1828 words, themes of kink but nothing explicit, established blackhands & gentlebeard-centric. Happy Pride!)
Stede picks up leatherworking in the wake of his divorce. He's not exactly sure how it ended up being such an important hobby for him, only that he had always admired the intricate designs on his horse's best bridles, and with little else to do with his time, he decides to give it a go.
It's rocky going at first, but he's having fun working with his hands for the first time in his life, and there's a sense of satisfaction in seeing the design come to life as he works. With practice, his skills improve, and he learns how to make things that are truly one of a kind.
He starts off posting his pieces online, as a way to reach fellow enthusiasts, but quickly finds himself with a rather large audience. Stede’s style is unique, and, after many requests from his followers, Lucius encourages him to make some more basic pieces he can sell. It's not about making money for Stede, but another way to meet new people who share his interests- as Lucius keeps telling him, it's sad that his personal assistant is the main person he talks to these days.
So Stede sets out on a new adventure, and has quite the time designing a new range of patterns for the market. He makes purses, belts, bracelets, and, most importantly, dog collars- all still with his unique designs embossed into them, of course. He rents a booth at his towns monthly craft fair, and very quickly finds himself with a new group of friends in the other regulars- Pete, his usual neighbour, who sells an array of wooden figures he carves, Roach, who runs a stand for his bakery, and Frenchie, who isn't actually a stallholder, but is almost always busking near his friend Wee John’s stand of knitted goods, bringing life to the market even in the pouring rain. There's also Buttons, another regular at the market. Nobody is exactly sure what he does there- he doesn't sell things, or seem to buy anything either, but rain or shine, he's there with the birds.
Stede’s been doing this a few months by the time June rolls around. As he's setting up his stand, he notices that the area is much busier than it’d normally be at this time of morning. Lucius, who got roped into helping run Stede’s stall somewhere down the line (despite his protests that this is not what personal assistant means… But hey, he got a boyfriend out of it, at least), reminds him that there's the parade today, too- not realising that Stede had no clue there was a parade today, and especially not that it was pride. Stede immediately jumps to fretting about the amount of stock he’s brought, and Lucius takes the cue to escape, saying he’ll go and grab them coffee (but really, he's off to flirt with Pete)
Lucius is still missing when Ed stumbles across the little leather stall. Stede’s just ran back to his car to fetch his last boxes of inventory, and by the time he returns, Ed’s already begun to narrow down his choices. Stede greets him, starting to tell him that they're not actually open yet, but before he gets more than a couple of words out, Ed’s exclaiming “You're a Kiwi!!!”
The two of them smile at the shared recognition, and Stede says he’ll make an exception, just for Ed, and asks him what exactly he was interested in. Ed tells him that he's looking for a collar “for his boy”, and points out the particular design he was looking at. It happens to be one of Stede’s favourites from this latest run of work, a fact he mentions to Ed. It leads them into a discussion about Stede’s craft, and Ed’s Izzy, and then everything in between. Ed’s listening intently to the things Stede’s telling him, completely drawn in by the process, and by Stede himself. He watches as Stede stamps Izzy's name into the collar, and Stede even lets him have a go at one of the stamps.
Lucius reappears sometime in the middle of this- only to immediately retreat again, seeing Stede engrossed with Ed. He sets up camp at Pete's booth opposite, watching this man flirt intensely with his boss- and Stede flirt back just as hard. Does Stede even realise he’s doing it? Lucius had known Stede was gay since before Stede even admitted it to himself, but this is on a whole other level.
The pair stand there so long that Izzy comes to look for Ed- the two of them are manning a float on the parade with their crew, and it's past time for them to get geared up. He's already worked up, frustrated to have been left to set up everything alone, when Ed had just gone to see if he could get them both coffee. So maybe he's a bit of a prick, approaching with a brash “where the fuck have you been, Edward”, to which Stede brings the same energy, giving a bitchy “Ed! Do you know this guy?” Izzy tenses, ready to snap, but then Ed cuts in, excitedly telling Stede that this is “his Izzy!” Which confuses the hell out of Stede.
Forgetting his earlier attitude, he asks Ed if he “really named his dog after his friend”, only to be met with confusion right back from Ed at where the hell Stede got the idea he had a dog from. Stede gestures at the bag with the collar in it, to which Ed has to tell him, “oh, no, that's for him.” Ed tells Stede that they're here to run a float for their local leather society, and while Stede is certainly shocked by what Ed’s saying, he's not finding himself… uninterested. It's simply that he’s never even considered any of this before, especially not that people would use the things that he made for this, but Ed sounds so enthusiastic about it all. He tells him about how his friends would love to see Stede’s work, about how classic leather gear is always so fucking boring- but not Stede’s stuff, no, Stede’s stuff is “fresh” and “fascinating” and unlike anything Ed’s ever seen before.
Ed's enthusiasm is incredibly infectious, so when he invites Stede to come back to see their float, he readily agrees. It’s a concept Izzy’s less than enthusiastic about. He doesn’t really want to bring this man who’s dressed like he just walked out of a HOA board meeting to their kinky little corner of the world, but he is having a lot of fun watching Stede squirm, so decides not to raise a protest. He does demand he gets his long-overdue coffee first, though (Stede pays for it- as “compensation for him distracting Ed from his job”, he says, not giving Izzy a second to process before he's tapping his card)
By the time they return to the float, Fang, Ivan & Jim are waiting for them, all already geared up. Stede is stunned silent at the sight for about 5 seconds, before he starts actually looking at the quality of Jim’s harness, and proceeds to go off about the poor quality of the craftsmanship, about how the hardware is tacky and completely the wrong choice with this leather, how his “ten year old daughter could do a better job!!!”
There's complete silence from the group, until Izzy, of all people, bursts into laughter at Stede’s audacity (and, the fact he was staring at Jim's tits completely unabashedly, like he hadn't even noticed them in the first place). Izzy's laughter sets Ed off as he tells the group about Stede’s misunderstanding- “you didn't say he was a person!” “I mean, he's my dog”- and soon everyone's having a friendly giggle at Stede’s mistake.
It's somewhere in the middle of the retelling that Ed remembers that this whole thing happened because he was buying Izzy a gift. After a moments fumbling, he presents Izzy with the collar- It's a rich, deep black, embossed with a rolling pattern that resembles waves. It’s made from a firm enough leather to take the tooling, and to remind Izzy that he’s owned while he’s wearing it, yet still soft enough for long term comfort. Izzy's eyes immediately lock on to it, an unreadable expression coming over his face, and Ed turns it; first so he can really see the design and Izzy’s name embossed into it, and then so he can see the small “Ed ♥” on the inside of the collar, right over his swallow tattoo.
“I did the heart,” Ed says to him softly, intended only for Izzy’s ears. Izzy's eyes flick up to Ed’s, and he raises his chin to give Ed the room to put it on. Ed buckles the collar around his neck almost reverently, a test of the tightness turning into a caress of Izzy's neck. It's a perfect fit.
It's as though something comes over Izzy; so twitchy and abrasive earlier, now silent, staring at Ed with a look akin to worship in his eyes. He obediently tilts his head for a kiss as Ed's fingers move to his chin- It's a sight to behold, and one that has Stede intrigued. He wants to know more about this lifestyle, and these men in particular. He wants to be the one to put that expression on Izzy's face.
The moment breaks as Ed and Izzy pull apart, and Ed calls for the crew to finish the last bits of set up. Izzy shakes himself a little before running off to bark orders again, but even still, there remains a softness to him that wasn't there before.
Ed turns back to Stede with an apologetic smile, already obvious that he has to get going. Before he can speak, however, Stede jumps in -“My business numbers on the card in the box… I'll be around all day”- Ed’s smile turns more genuine at that, promising to stop by if he gets a moment, and that he’ll send his friend's Stede’s way- “if he wants that kind of business.” Stede says that he does, actually- that he's seen a whole new world already today, and, while he was a little taken aback at first, he can feel the passion Ed and his friends have for this life. If there's one thing that's ever mattered to Stede, it's other people's enthusiasm. Maybe he doesn't completely understand yet, but he would like to try.
One year later, Stede’s back at the market on pride weekend again, far better stocked for the crowds this time around. Lucius is finally free to spend the day flirting with Fang & Pete to his heart's content, now that Stede’s roped his own boyfriends into helping him run the stall- and into modelling the merchandise. Ed loves that part, while Izzy needs a lot more convincing, but the puppy eyes Stede & Ed weaponise against him make a very good argument.
#Despite what this post may imply; i actually know very little about the art of leatherwork#Im also not saying Stede got into leatherwork because of his repressed leather kink. But im not not saying that.#(This is not to say that i personally think leather gear is boring- i totally see the beauty in simple/plain designs & i get that the#style is all about the look of straps and hardware. but also. i know in my heart Edward ‘likes a fine thing’ Teach would be head over heels#for fun unique pieces. Its the whimsy of it all)#(not to turn this into OFMD meta but. You can like both; in fact. You can have the leather AND you can have the florals)#ALSO. dont ask me why izzy would find a big difference between wearing gear on the float vs the stand. it just felt right#(ok i do have reasoning. its the directness of it. in the parade its very part-of-a-crowd; every interaction in passing. running the stand#is direct interactions + they are specifically looking at Him. it feels different. but he does it because he loves his partners)#nyxtalks#ofmd#our flag means death#edward teach#stede bonnet#izzy hands#israel hands#blackbeard#blackhands#edizzy#gentlehands#stizzy#gentlebeard#blackbonnet#steddyhands#fanfic#sort of... i dont really consider this fic; more. scenario description but ill admit this ended up way closer to fic than i planned#but the weird stylistic choices are because. this wasnt intended as fully fleshed out fic.#i am not a writer & i dont want to be. im just a guy with ideas over here; and the best way to share ideas is through words#(Please dont count the commas per sentence ratio. Thats between me & god)#also. I cant believe i wrote something that can be tagged as gentlebeard centric. Who am i.
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It Was A Matter of Time (2125 words) by alivingtypo Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: 9-1-1 (TV) Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV) Characters: Evan "Buck" Buckley, Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV) Additional Tags: Post-Episode: s08e06 Confessions (9-1-1 TV), Coda, Coming Out, Gay Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), 8x06 coda, Confessions, Hurt/Comfort, Kinda?, Emotional Hurt/Comfort Summary: “You gonna tell me what’s going on with you?” Buck’s eyes found his and scanned down to Eddie’s bare thighs. He quirked an eyebrow. “Are you?” or Eddie distracts Buck from his break up with another confession
#911 abc#buddie#eddie diaz#evan buckley#8x06 coda#dont @ me about my run on sentences#or excessive use of commas and ellipses
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im also increasingly sure that im autistic but we'll never ever confirm that </3
#i had this in person entry exam to a new university to a course that involves working with people young and old#and Apparently waiting for your turn to speak means you never get a turn to speak which means you're not the right fit to be working with#children. i was polite sorry i didnt get in your face about it. come on. :-/#but ok i shall remain the world's most distraught humanities student for a year more. and im going to complain the whole time#i Was excited about this but i did misjudge what this course would be like. bummer. at least the teachers at btk are sweet and lovely#but god let me out. i dont want to do this. i dont want to do any of this. someone give me a thesis question that can't be dealt with in#two sentences#every time i think of something it's like oh yeah the answer is right here. this is the answer and im not going to make a fool of anyone in#writing 15 pages about it#which is admittedly not a lot but i am a man of succinctness and i want an actual worthy topic#and currently im only thinking about jeeves and wooster. i guess there could be something about societal commentary and everything but thats#not very interesting is it#so hi if anyone has an idea they want a meddling english student to research and write about in some detail chime in in the replies#my post#look how succinct these tags are. proving my point#as to why ill never get diagnosed: i could get into that as well but ive almost run out of tags
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sorry i cant stop thinking about it. i genuinely hate that the response lately to ppls worries about hrt--not talking about 'eveyone needs extensive therapy first' or 'you need to be [some unreasoble entry barrier %] certain cause itll change u forever' or othersuch scaremongering but people literally going 'im worried im gonna lose my job/housing/close relationships that are important to me'--is like. 'well too bad. couldnt be me. i would simply not worry about those things. skill issue. why would anything stop u from going on hrt. if literally anything might make you slightly hesitate or god forbid dissuade you this is a sign youre actually The Enemy.' what is fucking with that
#myposts#re: transgender cowardice#unhappy with how ive phrased this but not able to come up with anything better. read my poorly disguised run on sentence boy#anyway. idk. its extremelty alienating being prehrt rn#or it is for me personally idk about anyone else#want a thing so bad. working on it. finding friction w transphobia in my family n a hostile medical system#n worries about my career in a field that is unkind to queer people and and and#none of that is going to stop me. dont get me wrong im at a point where i know im gonna do it bc i cant really#uh live without it.anymore. i know i need it#but its also like. i find setbacks and moments of frustration in all of these things#and instead of finding encouragement from other trans people who have passed through the gauntlet and proved it possible#i find like. shame and hostility that im not doing it effortlessly and cant write it off like it doesnt affect me#trans people seem to pop into the world fully formed 4 years on hormones#the trans people that arent there yet that are embarrassing in their experimentation or their GNC or not passing or not hvaing#a developed sense of style or just. arent white and sufficiently behaving like white members of their gender. i see it trust#are all targets of ridicule and speculation about the veracity of their transness or their commitment to the cause of trans liberation#sigh
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list of things i can depend on to make me cry
feathers across the seasons
starscream's confession + sentence at the end of till all are one
shigechi's death in jojos
the director watching allison's last words on repeat until he died
#'starscream confessed. to everything. it took over an hour but no one even tried to stop him.#it was the most shocking act of bravery i had ever seen.'#its 2am its monday and im bawling my eyes out because i accidentally saw that page again#life in prison...... he will always be a caged bird.#he couldnt have ever escaped it#its always 'its never too late to be better' but it always was for him#he never stood a chance#it was never for him its not fair#why not him?#im so sad now. bruh it hurts#why is it too late? what kind of sick fuck said its a good virtue to teach others its never too late to change?#why was he punished for being better? they always said honesty is always rewarded. with what? life in prison?#blah blah blah at least elita didnt become lo-- I DONT CARE!!! I DONT FUCKING CARE#WHY NOT HIM???#im going to cry about it and be sad. shit got me emotional and irrational#illogical even#and the fact that he wasnt stupid. he gave up for a better world#he knew he was going to be straight up executed for it#he changed. why was that not enough??#avo that was enough blah blah blah he got life sentence instead of death#BUT NOT ENOUGH! I HATE IT#im gonna cry myself to sleep#screamer got me fucked up bruh#avo you can solve this by just reading more comi-- NO!!!! >:( NO#this is the reason i only read it once per year#i didnt even read it this year yet#if i ever die unexpectedly i want one of the two ppl who follow me here to have my TC toy and the other to have my megatr*n toy#special instructions for TC. do not sell him and do not give him away to a child. idc about megs he got run over with a car once and hes ok#this comic gonna kill me one day
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Okay so. I'm doing some reading on the 2024 presidential candidates because this is the first year that I'm able to vote and I want to know as much as possible. So im on this website, ballotpedia, and tell me why LITERALLY ALL OF THE CANDIDATES SUPPORT ISRAEL?? literally all of them are like "well israel is all good and dandy and has the right to protect thenselves (:" and like??? HELLO?? THEYRE COMITTING GENOCIDE??! I'm so tired of this fucking country good god, we cant even get one cadidate that opposes genocide and war crimes?? What the fuck.
#politics#cw politics#u.s. politics#2024 elections#im so fucking tired#why#like Marianna Wilsonn seems good#but she is. not opposed to israel's genocide#and even then if she was#me voting for her probably wouldnt do shit because in america's system it seems like only one of the two main guys csn win#those guys being biden and trump#and I dont want either. i want marrianne.#at least more than I want either of those two#and Im honestly so clueless on what the best and most effective way to use my vote is#because my dad is super republican and so I didnt. ever learn anything useful?#like i think out of all the running candidates its wilsonn#but even then like. i dont want her either??#but id much fucking rather have a democrat in office than a republican#because all the republican candidates are very anti trans#and as a trans- no thank you#anyway Im tired#and i wish i couldnt care about all of this but I have to care#because if I dont care then I run the risk of my rights and life as a free and happy trans guy being questioned#not to mention im also disabled too so thats another layer onto it#it just infuriates me when people are neutral about politics because I. Cant be. whoever gets elected fucking MATTERS#because i cant ignore whatever changes they make like some people can#my rights are in jeopardy if the wrong person wins.#which is a dystopian as fuck sentence#that your rights are in danger if someone bad wins?#but thats the reality of us politics
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if yapping in the tags were a job id be jeff bezos
#does that make any sense?#i feel like the words im saying come out extremely convoluted to anyone who isnt me#cause in my brain#i like will re-say sentences without thinking about the previous sentence and how they mesh together#OH YEAH and then i dont provide context for how i got to that thought#so ill say one thing and then the next thing will like sound out of left field almost i think#anyway i really wanna draw gerard way but i cant decide on an image and its so !?!?#AUGH. do i draw nurse gerard or ….. i forgot the word? accountant??? gerard? whatever#or one of the ones where theyre covered in blood which is a lot of them#OOH AND. i really fucking wanna draw 2ourdust pete and soul punk patrick when he had the red suit and the devil horns#BUT I CANT !!!! number one i cant find just the right image of pete to draw and THERES MAYBE 5 DEVIL PATRICK IMAGES#so i was thinking i could just improvise like how i did with my idiots of oz art? and just draw a sp patrick image but colour his suit red#and draw some cartoonish 2D devil horns on instead#idk. anyway#im hoping to draw today . it might happen#ALSO ALSO ALSO!!!! i got vip for my idkhow concert next week :)#HAGSHSNANGSHFNKSLSJHSBCJDNSNSGSBFNJZBXNXKSLFKFBHSGSHFHGAGSHENSHSHSUGSHSBCHZHDKDLSHGDNAGSGSBFNKZHXNDJAGSHDJALSLJFHDNSJFKZBSHGAHSJFKFNDMXMCKF#IM SO FUCKING EXCITED ABOUT THAT#AUGH!!!!!! i also really wanted to draw dallon but if im being honest. im getting so sick of his face#i run a daily dallon blog i have like 8000 images of him ive drawn him 15 dozen times im TIRED!!!!!!!#so yeah. what was this post about again?#chase said something alright
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Flapping G Spot Vibrator for Women:‘’Layla‘’ Adult Rabbit Sex Toys with 9 Flapping Modes 4 Tickling Modes Waterproof Clitoralis Stimulator for Clit Nipple Anal Stimulation Rechargeable Adult Sex Toys
listen im ace and im pro kink at pride and whatever, but the way some of yall are wording your posts in response to the backlash against it is uh. really taking me back to the ace shitcourse era.
yall know theres nothing wrong with being a "virgin", right? that its not inherently shameful to have not had sex, to never have sex, even if youre not ace, even if you do want to have sex someday, like, its fine that you haven't had sex?
maybe if your problem is that theyre trying to police your behavior and shame you for expressing your sexuality, you can say that? instead of resorting to "haha stupid virgin gets no bitches" like my god. do you not hear how fucking regressive that attitude is? i know, i know, youre "joking".
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get a better joke
#toy txt post#god im going to regret this post im gonna regret it so much i can feel it in my bones#let it flop..........pls#internalize my message let it sink in and understand what i am saying and then let the post flop#i say. knowing the ppl who need to see such a message are the ones who will make me regret this post and regrwt not having#1 million bajillion disclaimers#virgin is in quotes bc its a bullshit made up stupid purity culture concept anyway and quite frankly i hate even seeing the word#disclaimer: the previous sentence is not me saying that it is a slur for asexuals. it is me a single individual saying this specific word#grosses me out to read and see everywhere when its a stupid bullshit binary made up or at least historically largely used#to shame largely women and i dont know why we're still using it in 2023#and ive just been. seeing such an uptick in this whole like. attitude? lately and like#im ace im minorly sex repulsed. mostly about anything sex at me bad. other adults sex at each other consensually? go wild#i like to think im pretty chill about it. i try to be. i think its fine ig to be like 'my meat is huge i fuck so much so good'#like okay not my thing but good for you. love that for you#but then some of yall have started turning it back around back to. 'haha your meat so small and shriveled you get no bitches'#'haha stupid incel virgin' like okay. didnt realize we all went back to fucking. middle school but okay#god im gonna run out of tine to get ready for my thing writing this stupid post UGH evil#but like idk we've kinda circled back to being like haha being a virgin still is stupid and silly and shameful#and if im quite honest. i do think the acecourse played a part in that bc i felt like we were making good progress in like#hey guys is fine to not have sex ever if you dont want to its fine to not want sex its fine#and then aphobes went fucking rabid on us and splintered and destroyed online communities all over but especially on tumblr#and so many aces went back in the closet we stopped talking about it we stopped spreading awareness and now this stupid goddamn like#and now this stupid bullshit attitude is back where its like funny to call someone a virgin as an insult but like no bro trust me its okay#its okay for me to do it bc im a hot queer person with huge meat instead of a cisstraight frat bro with huge meat#? like you know the issue was the behavior right? not the fact that it was straight dudes saying it? its bc the thing being said was shitty#you know you can dunk on the puritan bitches trying to police your behavior at pride without getting us as collateral damage right#stop making me read that stupid ugly ass word ur not cool or funny#whatever#if you come on to this post to start shit i will not only block you but as many of your mutuals and followers as i can find. i will scroll#i will block this entire fucking website if i need to do not test me. i am exhausted and the acecourse ate up all my tolerance in 2023
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Olena gave an interview to BBC
youtube
#this interview was so good and had some great answers#and our queen destroyed klitschko and his bullshit with a small and like two sentences#not on my bingo card but here for it#love how you can see all the answers running through her head and she has to fight herself to stop herself from saying too much 😂#“you talked with vova about this ... your are the first lady ... you talked ... first lady ... be nice olena ...”#THAT LITTLE SMIRK AND WINK ENDED ME 😂😂😂#and taking a sip of her water to swollow down everything else 😂#i felt the deep sigh after the “hAs ThE wAr ChAnGeD yOuR hUsBaNd” question#if she would get money for everytime someone asks her her foundation wourld be swimming in money#i also dont know why almost eeeevery journalist has to ask#like ... other journalists asked before#she answered so many times#what do you all expect??????#that she suddenly is like “Oh fucking yeah is now dancing tango and became a moon lover” or something like that????????#and even if he has changed in a notable / bigger way...she wouldnt tell you she is going to proect her man#loved the christmas question at the end#and how olena dodged the part about the typical ze christmas traditions 😅#Youtube
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having a bit of a shit day. going to read dnd books abt it.
#my reserved book (adulthood rites) is here and the trilogy anthology of the first Drizzt books are on their way as well#someone in the library has realized someone (me) is getting Louise Erdrich books out. i got out the sentence and returned it#so they put out plague of doves. i got that out and began reading it. they put out the roundhouse (ive already read that one)#and when they recognised i havent taken it they mustve gone for another because today i found the night watchmen!#which is a recent one by her and about her own grandfather#i also found tales from the yawning portal which i wanna go through cos forgotten realms#and baldurs gate descent into avernus which also forgotten realms#i was hoping to get waterdeep dragon heist but they didnt have it :(#they do have dungeon of the mad mage which is the sequel and i will take a look through but i doubt it will be for me#its essentially one giant dungeon crawl and i need a balance of roleplay/exploration/battle in my campaigns. esp as a dm#so i would have to heavily rework it if i wanted to run it. which sucks because im REALLY enjoying the waterdeep dragon heist#campaign arcane arcade did and knowing they wont follow it up with the sequel book because its so grindy is a shame.#god dragon heist is a fantastic adventure its tied for the campaign i want to run the most with icewind dale#i have icewind dale and its fucking AMAZING absolutely would recommend it#i started the arcane arcade campaign of it this morning and i am so jealous that they have the beedle and grimms set#i would fucking KILL for a beedle and grimms box set. look them up theyre sick as hell#like their platinum curse of strahd box? i dont have curse of strahd which makes me wish i had 500 usd to drop on it so bad GOD#anyway shit day with the jack news and i have period pain and chronic pain and took a hard fall walking to the library#but the books are helping me :)
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fucked up that now im never gonna get closure on the most compelling storyline charles rowland got in fourty years (80s working class rude boy, never stood up for himself, the one time he does so for someone else he encounters death by stoning. he likes that one good deed that got him killed so much he keeps standing up for other people his whole afterlife and not out of any ghost-like need to go to heaven but more out of an alive-boy impulse to be better than he ever could in life (better than his blood tells him he is). his rage is only ever born of love for others and in a story that rehashes Dante's Inferno theory- all sins arise from love, perverted love directed towards others' harm, deficient love, or the disordered or excessive love of good things, he never lets himself feel rage (or to think about love) for thirty years because that goes against his need to be good and of course if anger and love have always hurt you, you would think them to be tainted emotions) steve yockey if you are reading this dm me the script of season 2 or i will be. in your walls.
#i know this bitch was adapting the storyline of the 2010 run -that also never ended!!- where charles has to find out whether#his dad killed his mother and if that makes him a monster by proxy and also#they hinted at zombies which would be the 2023 run (did anyone understand how it ended? I didn't. are they alive again are they not?) now.#now i ask. would it have been so hard to adapt it all in eight episodes instead of betting on nfx granting a sequel#dbda#i know the script exists let me see it#i can make so many subordinates in a single sentence#he really was made in a lab to appeal to me specifically and then they decided they d expand his character arc in s2 so ofc there's no s2#do you think about how he only gets stuck in the devlin loop AFTER the father proves to him he's still powerless#do you think about when we see his death from his pov the song playing only came out a few months before in 1988. he's both very much#still alive and very much stuck#and dont get me started on 'can you even feel that?' 'no but it doesn't matter'#my boy
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With the amount I want to give writing advice sometimes one would think that I am an amazing writer lmao.
#rambles#fun fact: i am not#that being said i'd like to think i'm somewhere a bit better than what's considered 'decent'#better than the average beginner#and yet i have such high standards with what i choose to read#to me stories are pieces of art and i only want the prettiest art to reach my eyes#or maybe it's more that i am a lazy reader#i dont want to have to put work into reading something#whether that work be ignoring misspelled words/grammar... run-on sentences... obscenely long paragraphs... repetitious words...#the more i can sit there and enjoy the writing without struggle the better#but at the same time.... i suppose i'm not all just lazy because i do appreciate style put into writing#carefully constructed sentences... specifically chosen words... positioning... structure...#and then when you top a good story and presentation on top all of that??#ooh it's so good#i wanna take pieces like that and rip them apart to analyze what makes them so good#writing is such an art and people need to treat it as such#and thats the frustrating part about reader-insert writers on tumblr#they have the skill to write. they have the style....#but they squander their talent by writing things like 'omg the way he acts when you sit on his lap!!!!! >//u//<'#WHAT A WASTE#pearls (tumblr writers) before swine (the same tumblr writers)
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i realized that uh. i changed in some ways that maybe arent from good causes
like it might just be growing up and getting older, but like. the way it changed is reminding me a lot of like... trying to avoid certain things
#basically i am getting quieter in a way that i dont like#i was playing fun jumpscare games with a friend! and a great friend who i am very comfy with! and i love being loud with n good times with#but i was. vvvvery quiet. he said he was surprised when jumpscares happened i just went totally rigid and silent for a few seconds#then talked very quietly after#i dont.... i dont do that?#im LOUD. im silly. i make jokes and say silly mashed up sentences when i get jumpscared#but i went still and silent instead and like.#i did eventually ENJOY playing it after a while and was reacting like i normally would after like an hour#but. i couldnt? at first? for a while?#and like. im thinking about it and just. am getting back into being quiet and small in my spaces when i dont need to be and dont want to be#and apologizing more again#just to avoid careless and rude comments. and to avoid risking ???? idk what#anyway. uh. realizing i may need to address some things and not wanting to lol#also friend noted when I got more comfy and started acting like myself again. and the weird too quiet version of me#and mentioned when i was out of the house more and planning events i was running when i was alone planning them/out of the house-#-how much happier i seemed. and how much more 'me' i was acting#like granted being in my 30s now im going to be a little different but like. im still lighthearted and jokey and loud and silly#bbbbbut its hiding again. and im stressed as to why
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a moment | s. reid
summary: two times there was a ‘moment’ between you and spencer, and one time he did something about it.
warnings; best friends to lovers, fem reader, pinning, this based off a lorelai and luke edit i saw, idk if its edited or makes any sense tbh!! sorry! longing, kinda self doubt idk, happy ending yay!!
an; this is for lia. And was written in like an hour so i really dont want the hate guys. If it sucks i cannot be held responsible.
You walk into the bullpen, scanning the usual chaos of the bullpen The day’s already running long, and it’s barely even noon.
"Look who finally decided to join us," Spencer says, glancing up from his desk. His eyes are sharp behind his glasses, but there’s a smirk tugging at his lips. He’s half-hidden behind a wall of case files, as always, but somehow manages to throw his snark with precision.
you and spencer had been best friends since you started together, you got along with anyone but gravitated towards Spencer more than anyone else. Him and Penelope were the easiest for you to be around, you loved everyone but you had your favourites.
While Penelope had been bugging you to either kick up the courage to do something about your friendship with Spencer, or move on, you did neither.
"Oh, save it,," you fire back, tossing your bag on your desk. "I’m fashionably late. It’s a thing."
"Yeah, fashionably late in a profession like this. Very chic. Theres other ways to get here you know — from your house-“
“Don’t even” you cut him off.
“Im just saying if you keep missing the same turn off every time maybe it’s a sign you should be going a different way.” He muttered.
“I didn’t miss the turn off.” You argued. You lied.
“You did.”
“No”
He said your name and you huffed.
You roll your eyes, biting back a grin as you sink into your chair. "Can we pretend, just for today, that you’re not right?"
"Well," Spencer says, leaning back in his chair, "I’m only right about ninety-seven percent of the time. So, technically, you’ve got a three percent chance of being right today. Want to take a gamble?"
You throw a crumpled paper at him. "Your math is annoying."
He catches it, eyes twinkling, and throws it back at you. "Annoying?"
“Yes, annoying. It hurts my head”
It’s easy between the two of you—this banter, this back-and-forth. It always has been, ever since the first case you worked together. Over time, it’s become second nature to tease him, push his buttons, and he always gives it right back. The tension slips away with every joke, but today, there’s something different about the way his eyes linger on you a beat too long, like he’s waiting for you to catch on.
You ignore it. You have to.
"So, what do we have?" you ask, holding out your hand for the file in his lap.
He passes it to you, fingers brushing against yours. It’s brief, but the touch sends a spark up your arm. Your eyes meet for a second longer than necessary, and for the first time in a long time, you don’t know what to say.
Spencer clears his throat, looking back down at the file. "This unsub’s a real charmer. I think he's using manipulation tactics to lure his victims. He’s got a pattern, but it’s subtle. Took me a while to piece it together."
"Took you a while? So, like... five minutes?" You grin, but the edge in your voice is gone, replaced by something softer.
He laughs, a sound that always surprises you because it’s rare, but so genuine. "Try thirty. It was a real struggle."
"Wow. I almost feel bad for you."
His smile fades just a little, and when he looks at you again, there’s that shift. Something hovers between you, just under the surface, where the teasing usually stays. His eyes flicker over your face, and suddenly, you wonder if he’s about to say something else, something that would cross the line you’ve never acknowledged before.
Your heart skips, and before you can stop yourself, you lean forward a little. Your breath catches.
"So..." Spencer starts, but before the sentence can land, your phone buzzes on your desk. The sharp sound breaks the moment like a snapped thread. You jerk back, grabbing your phone.
"Hotch needs us in the conference room," you mutter, more to yourself than him, trying to get a grip on the swirling thoughts in your head. "We’ve got a lead."
Spencer blinks, clearly shaken out of whatever that was, and you stand up quickly, focusing hard on the case and not on the fact that you were about two seconds away from… what? Leaning in? Kissing him?
No. That’s not what this is. This is Spencer.
"Race you to the conference room?" he asks suddenly, the playful lilt back in his voice, but there’s still something lingering behind his eyes, a question neither of you seems ready to ask.
"Race? You’re literally taller than me, that’s cheating. I’m wearing heels!!"
"You can run in heels, can’t you?" He shoots you a smirk, the tension easing just enough for you to relax, even if your heart is still racing.
"Could. But i don't want to damage my gorgeous shoes," you huffed, yet already heading for the door.
"Gorgeous shoes?" He repeated, raising his eyebrow.
"Yeah that was actually the name of the shoes when i bought them. They had 'gorgeous shoes' written in big letters across the box." You smiled, tilting your head.
"Really?"
"No."
You make it halfway to the conference room before he catches up, the two of you slipping back into your usual rhythm. But as you walk into the room side by side, the unspoken thing still hangs between you. You don’t talk about it, and maybe you never will, but it’s there.
“Are you still coming over tonight?” He asked, looking down at you, eyes lingering on yours. You nod.
“It’s pizza night. Of course I am.”
And once again, you’re reminded that with Spencer, things have never been as simple as just best friends.
You’re standing in Spencer’s tiny kitchen, flour everywhere. And when you say everywhere, you mean it—on the counters, in your hair, smeared on his cheek where you definitely didn’t mean to slap him with dough earlier.
“This is going really well,” you deadpan, holding up the limp, misshapen pizza dough.
“Um.” He squints as he looks at the mess.
“Well.. you’re the genius who can outsmart anyone but apparently can’t figure out yeast,” you argue, pinning the blame on him. “Is it supposed to look like this?” You muttered, tilting your head.
“I think it’s fighting back. Maybe we’re the victims now.”
You both dissolve into laughter, the kind that makes your stomach hurt. This was supposed to be simple. Homemade pizza sounded like a cute idea, something easy to do on a night off, but it’s turned into chaos. The dough’s not cooperating, the sauce might be too watery, and you’re pretty sure you added way too much garlic. But that’s what makes it fun.
"Okay," Spencer says, hands raised in surrender. "I officially give up. This dough has outsmarted me."
"You’re giving up? Dr Spencer Reid, defeated by pizza dough?" You snatch the rolling pin from him, trying to take over, but the second you press down, the dough tears. "Okay, maybe it’s smarter than both of us."
Spencer steps closer, leaning over your shoulder to inspect the mess you've made. You can feel the warmth of him behind you, and for just a second, everything feels different. The banter pauses. His breath is soft on your neck, his arm brushing against yours as he reaches to touch the dough. Your heart stutters, and you freeze, unsure of what to do next.
But then, with no warning, Spencer flicks flour at you.
"Hey!" you squeal, spinning around to face him, eyes wide. He looks so pleased with himself, a mischievous grin on his face.
"What? You had flour in your hair. I was just trying to help.”
"Sure, you were." You reach for the bag of flour, holding it up threateningly. "I will not hesitate to make this a war, Spencer."
He grins widely, almost daringly.
You grab a handful of flour and toss it at him in retaliation. "You are such a child."
“I’m just helping!” he protests, dodging your attack and grabbing the rolling pin like a shield. His laughter is contagious, and soon you’re both caught up in it, the tension slipping away into something lighter, easier.
You try to swipe more flour at him, but he grabs your wrist, stopping you mid-throw. His fingers wrap around your wrist gently, but the touch sends an unexpected shiver up your arm. You both freeze, the room suddenly too quiet again, his hand lingering on yours for just a second longer than necessary.
His gaze flickers down to where his fingers rest against your skin, and then back up to meet your eyes. There’s a pause, just long enough for the air between you to thicken, something unspoken hanging between you. His thumb brushes your wrist lightly, and you wonder if he feels it too—the tension that’s been simmering all night, just beneath the surface.
You swallow hard, pulling your hand away, but not before you catch the briefest flicker of something in his expression. It’s gone as quickly as it appeared, and just like that, the moment slips away.
His eyes narrow playfully, and for a second, you think he might call your bluff. But instead, he just chuckles and steps back, holding up his hands in mock surrender. "Alright, alright. Let’s not escalate this. We’re adults, after all."
"Adults who can’t make pizza," you mutter, dumping the ruined dough into the trash. "Guess we’ll have to order in. Again."
Spencer wipes his hands on a towel, still smiling. "I’ll let you pick the place this time. As long as it’s not that one with the weird crust you made us try last month."
"Oh come on, that was a bold choice! You just have no sense of adventure."
"I have a very good sense of adventure," he says, leaning casually against the counter, his eyes sparkling in that way that makes you feel like he knows exactly how to get under your skin. "I just like my pizza to taste like pizza."
You roll your eyes, but you’re grinning, too. "Fine. We’ll get the boring pizza this time."
As you both settle into the living room, waiting for the pizza to arrive, you can't help but feel that lingering tension again. The kind that sneaks up on you when things get quiet, when the laughter dies down, and it’s just the two of you sitting side by side, closer than necessary.
You smile, nudging him with your elbow. "Who knew you were such a terrible cook, though?"
"I think we share equal blame here."
"Maybe," you admit, glancing at him. His eyes catch yours, and for just a moment, the playful air between you shifts. It’s small, like the brush of his hand earlier, like the way he’s looking at you now. Your heart skips again, and you wonder—just for a second—if maybe, possibly, you weren’t imagining it. You ignore it, there was too much that could go wrong if you didn’t.
It’s late in the afternoon when you hear the knock at your door. The sun's still out, casting a soft golden light through your living room windows, but it’s the last thing on your mind.
You’re dressed in something more put together than usual because, of course, Penelope had insisted on setting you up on this date tonight. It wasn’t exactly what you wanted, but she’d been so enthusiastic that you’d caved. You’d said yes to humor her, to get her off your back.
She had insisted that you needed something to get your mind off Spencer. You wondered if that was actually possible.
So when the knock comes, your stomach churns, thinking it might be the guy arriving too early. But when you open the door, it's not your date.
It’s Spencer.
He’s standing there, hands shoved into the pockets of his jacket, hair slightly disheveled, and there’s a look on his face you can’t quite place. It’s tight, maybe a little frustrated, though he's trying hard to keep his expression neutral.
“Spence?” You lean against the doorframe, arching an eyebrow. “Everything okay?”
He doesn’t answer right away, eyes scanning you briefly before he looks down, then back up again. There’s tension in his posture, the kind you recognize when he’s overthinking something. “Yeah. Yeah, everything’s fine.”
You don’t buy it for a second. “Uh-huh.”
His face tightens even more, though he tries to hide it with a half-hearted shrug. “Did Penelope set you up with some guy?”
“Yeah?” You squinted trying to figure out how he knew that. You hadn’t mentioned it, you didn’t want to talk about what had caused your sudden date or have to lie to him about why Penelope suddenly set you up when you have shown no intention of being interested in dating.
“Penelope told me. Why didn’t you tell me?” He asked, running his hand through his hair as if he was stressed. You didn’t understand, not really. You told Spencer everything so you could understand why he would be annoyed that you didn’t tell him this, but it seemed as if he took it personally.
You squint at him, crossing your arms. “What is your issue? You look like you want to strangle someone.”
He lets out a huff, avoiding your eyes again. “It’s nothing.”
You tilt your head, studying him. There’s something under the surface, and you’re not about to let it go. “Well you’re here so, obviously its not nothing … What’s going on?”
He finally looks up at you, his eyes sharp and filled with something you haven’t seen before. It catches you off guard for a moment. “It’s just—there was a moment.”
You blink, thrown by the sudden shift. “A moment?”
His voice drops, a little rougher now, a little more real. “Last week. When we were making pizza, and the week before that— and during- there was a moment.”
Your heart skips. You know exactly what he’s talking about, but you stay silent, letting him continue.
“I thought there was a moment,” he says, his frustration starting to leak through his words now. “I thought maybe something was… happening.”
Your chest tightens, the air in the room shifting as you meet his eyes. “There was.”
The confession comes out of your mouth before you even realize it, and the tension between you two spikes instantly, filling the space with an electric charge. You can feel it, the way everything has changed with those two words.
Spencer just stares at you, his brow furrowing slightly, like he hadn’t expected you to admit it. He takes a step forward, you step back almost unconsciously, and your heart beats faster in your chest.
“What are you doing?” you ask, your voice low, unsure.
He doesn’t stop moving, closing the gap between you even more, and his voice is soft but firm when he speaks. “Will you just stand still for a minute?”
Before you can say anything, before you can even process what’s happening, his hand comes up to cup the side of your face, and his lips are on yours.
The kiss is soft at first, almost tentative, but it’s full of all the unspoken things that have been building between you for so long. You feel the world tilt, your hands instinctively moving to grip the front of his jacket, pulling him closer. For a second, everything else fades away—your date, the case, everything.
When you finally pull back, breathless, you just stare at each other. His thumb brushes lightly across your cheek, and his eyes search yours, full of something that feels too big to name.
Neither of you says anything for a long moment, the silence thick and heavy with everything that’s just shifted between you.
Then, as if in slow motion, you take a small step forward. It’s your turn now, the tables flipped, and you can see the surprise flicker in his eyes as he instinctively steps back.
“What are you doing?” he asks, echoing your earlier words, his voice low and a little breathless
You give him a small smile, feeling the tension twist tighter in your chest. “Will you just stand still for a minute?” You mirrored his words
His eyes widen slightly, but he doesn’t move, and before he can say another word, you close the space between you and kiss him again.
This time, it’s different. There’s no hesitation, no second-guessing. The kiss is deeper, more insistent, and you feel his hands tighten around your waist, pulling you closer. It’s like everything you’ve both been holding back is finally breaking free, all the tension and the unspoken feelings rushing to the surface.
When you finally break apart, you’re both breathing heavily, faces inches from each other. Your hands are still gripping the front of his jacket, his fingers still digging into your sides like he’s afraid to let go.
You don’t move, neither of you do. You just stay there, staring at each other, and for the first time in a long time, you’re not thinking about the job, or the cases, or anything else. It’s just him.
He’s the first to break the silence, his voice quiet and almost disbelieving, He exhales, a long, relieved breath, his hand still resting on your waist. “I thought maybe I was imagining it.”
You shake your head, feeling a strange warmth bloom in your chest. “No. You weren’t imagining it.”
Another beat of silence passes, and then his lips quirk up into that small, crooked smile you’ve always liked so much. “Well, I guess we have Penelope to thank for this.”
You roll your eyes but can’t help smiling back. “Yeah, and she doesn’t even know it.”
His thumb brushes your side, a subtle touch, but enough to send a shiver up your spine. “Are you… still going on that date?”
The question hangs in the air between you, and for a moment, you almost laugh. The idea of leaving now, of going out with some guy Penelope set you up with, feels absurd.
“No,” you say, your voice steady and certain. “I’m not.”
His smile widens, just a little. “Good.”
You grin up at him, feeling lighter than you have in weeks. “Yeah? Why’s that good?”
Spencer’s gaze softens, and for the first time, you see the real reason for his frustration, for all of this. He steps even closer, so close that you can feel his breath on your lips, his voice low and sincere.
“Because, there was a moment.”
Your heart stutters in your chest, and you meet his eyes, that familiar warmth spreading through you again. “Yeah?”
“Yeah,” he says, his lips ghosting yours, and the last bit of tension that’s been sitting between you melts away completely. He smiles, and before either of you can say anything else, he closes the gap and kisses you again.
#spencer reid#reidmania#criminal minds#criminal minds show#criminalmindsfans#spencer reid x reader#spencer criminal minds#criminal minds x reader#spencer reid x oc#bee talks#spencer reid angst#spencer reid edit#spencer reid smut#spencer reid fanfiction#spencer reid fanfic#spencer reid criminal minds#doctor spencer reid#dr spencer reid#dr spencer reid mm#dr spencer reid x you#dr spencer reid x oc#spencer reid comfort#spencer reid x self insert#spencer reid x fem!reader smut#spencer reid cm#spencer reid core#spencer reid x y/n#spencer reid x fanfiction#spencer reid x fem!reader#criminal mind imagines
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open up - Matt Sturniolo
summary: after a long day of matt basically ignoring you, and being too grumpy to even get out of bed, you finally get him to open up to you.
contains: crying, anggstt?.., boyfriend!matt, comforting, fluff.
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10:28am
"matt we have to go baby, chris nick and i are all going to the cafe." i say softly, ruffling matts messy hair.
hes refused to get out of bed this whole morning, hes woken up in a horrible, grumbly mood.
i stand beside matt's bed, his body intertwined in the tangled duvet.
he shakes his head with a groan, i let out a soft sigh. "matt, they're waiting for us."
"bro- just tell 'm that i dont wanna come." matt croaks out, i furrow my eyebrows at the new nickname he has for me.
i fold my arms, letting out a small huff. "alright, ill be back in a couple hours." i mumble.
matt nods, tugging the blanket back up over his body.
i walk out of the room, closing the door behind me.
what is going on with him?
-----
(3 hours later)
its now 1pm, i decide to go check on matt again.
i sit up off the couch and walk down the hallway towards matt and i's room.
i approach the closed white door, knocking twice before slowly pushing it open.
all i see is a large lump under the covers, which must be matt.
i walk over to the side of the bed before peeling back the sheets. matt’s on his phone, lazily scrolling.
“hey, you okay?” i ask, running my hands through his hair.
he nods his head with a small hum,
“matt i’m a bit worried about you sweetie, you’re never like this.” i sigh,
“don’t be worried.” he mutters, still endlessly scrolling through his phone.
“you’ve not left our house in a solid week, that’s not like you.” i state,
matt tenses, putting his phone down next to him.
“i’m just tired okay!?” matt attempts to raise his voice, but it comes out as croaked and weak.
“shh- sh.” i attempt to shush him, which he doesn’t react well to.
“don’t shush me! can you just leave i’m so done with this-“
matt sounds like a whiny teenager, i feel like his mom, trying to get him to open the curtains for the first time in years.
“get up.” i mutter, tugging the sheets off him.
he pushes my hand away, “i don’t want to.”
i scoff, “matt stop, stop acting like an actual child!” i raise my voice slightly, trying to get my point across.
“can you please just leave me alone?!” matt groans,
i sigh, no longer trying to wrestle him to get the sheets off him.
i sit down on the bed beside him, i’m sat up against the headboard.
we sit in silence for a few minutes.
matt’s breathing is laboured, he’s getting so irritated by everything i do.
“what’s going on matt.” i whisper, reaching out and running my fingers up his temple.
“it’s just- i’m trying to sleep and you keep coming in here and fucking annoying me-“
matt’s sentence is cut off by his voice cracking,
“i’m- i’m sorry- i don’t mean that.”
tears start to roll down his flushed cheeks,
i’ve never seen matt cry.
i sit him up against the headboard next to me, i grab his shoulder and tug him to my chest.
“it’s okay, i’m not mad at you.” i coo, pressing kisses to the top of his head
he nods, his small sniffles turn into full sobs.
“do you wanna open up and talk to me about it?” i ask softly, running my nails up his back.
matt nods through his strangled sobs,
“i’m so- confused.” matt manages to squeeze out.
i nod, lifting the back of his shirt up and dragging my nails up his bare back.
“i don’t understand why- why you put up with me“ he sobs,
“and i know i sound like an absolute pick me saying that, but you’re just an- an infinitely better person than me.” matt speaks, rubbing his eyes with his fists,
“i feel like i’m not a fun person to be around- and you’re the total opposite like, everybody likes you-?”
i nod, letting him spill his words out.
“literally just being around you and knowing how you are in comparison to me makes me feel so shit.” he mumbles,
“the feeling i get in my stomach, it’s so bad.” he sniffs,
“i’m sorry- i genuinely sound like such a attention seeker.” matt half laughs.
i continue to stroke his back, he frantically tries to wipe his eyes everytime a new tear falls.
“you’re allowed to cry, i’m right here.” i whisper,
he nods, soft crys falling from his lips as he buries his face further into the soft fabric of my shirt.
“you know i love you so much, honestly i think i’m the one who doesn’t deserve you.” i sigh,
he shakes his head, “that’s not true.”
“it is, you make me feel so safe, you’re honestly my bestfriend ever.” i tell him, my voice full of sincerity.
matt’s crying gets worse as he hears me talk, his hands clutching my shirt, his brown floppy locks spread across my shirt.
i let him express everything he’s been feeling, letting him cry.
i think matt bottles a lot of shit up, and every couple months it all comes out in sudden bursts like these.
“i love you, i don’t want you to ever feel like this.” i sigh,
“you can tell me anything, anytime.”
matt nods again, slowly peeling himself away from my chest.
his eyes are red and puffy, his lips are swollen and his hair is sticking up in 8 different directions.
i laugh slightly, “sorry-“
a grin grows on matt’s face as he attempts to fix his hair.
“oh- oh, your making it worse.” i giggle,
i reach a hand up and try to flatten his hair,
“you’re gonna flatten it!! i’m gonna look like a pancake.” matt laughs hysterically,
“i’m a trained hairstylist, if anything i’ll make it 10x better!!” i protest.
—-
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