#don't get me wrong I hope teenagers think it sucks because they know about all the shit r*wling does

[notgreengardens]

are there by now parent-child relationships where the teenager is like "stop pushing harry potter on me, mom, it's like the lamest and uncoolest book ever" and then the mom has to hold back tears while saying "ginevra minerva hermoine, we did not raise you to be such a slytherin" and then the child says "whatever, mom" and goes back to playing roblox while the mother has to think about how happy she and her husband thought her daughter would be to get some overpriced tickets for her birthday to go with them to a 4 hour show where an orchestra plays the harry potter soundtrack and they already got their hogwarts robes ready but apparently her sweet sweet hufflepuff daughter turned to the dark side just like her brother who doesn't even want to be called by his name anymore so she has tried her best to only call him by short nicknames like "sev" but he still thinks his name is "so cringe, mom, why couldn't you give me a normal name like nick or something".

Is this a thing. I hope teenagers think harry potter is the lamest millenial shit ever.

[longagoitwastuesday]

I have learnt things about Geto that I wish I could unlearn

[l0ve-bug-m1les]

hii I was wondering if you could write a

miles morales x male! reader

where the two kiss because they’re curious about their sexuality and that leads to them finding out they aren’t exactly as straight as they initially thought

Ahhhh this is such a good idea!!! Thank you so much!!

🌸~~🌸 🌸~~🌸 🌸~~🌸 🌸~~🌸

The Answer Sitting in Front of Me

Miles Morales x Male!Reader

Summary: All questions have an answer to find. You just didn’t think you’d find yours in your best friends lips…

Warnings: No actual warnings, just two teenagers figuring themselves out!

It’s the final class of the day, and you’re struggling to stay awake. This isn’t like you, considering the fact you normally go to bed at a decent time so at the end of the day, you’re pretty awake. But today was different. Or rather, last night was different. Recently, you’ve been having…doubts about yourself. Specifically your sexuality. So to—hopefully—get your answer, you spent all night on Google searching up different tests, articles, and videos to answer your burning question. But alas, flashy Buzzfeed quizzes aren’t the remedy you hoped for. So now you’re just here. Tired, ready to get back to the dorms, and still unsure.

A crumpled up piece of paper lands onto your desk. You know exactly who it’s from as you open the note and read it.

"Hey, you don't look so good. Are you alright?”

“Damn, I look so tired you can tell from behind me..” You reply, and ball the note back up as you nonchalantly stretch your arms and drop the note onto his desk. This is how close you and Miles are. It’s easy to tell how the other is feeling just from body language. But at the same time, it wouldn’t take a genius to tell you’re pretty out of it today. You patiently wait for his reply as your teacher drones on and on about something you’ve forgotten about and, frankly, don’t care for. The note returns.

“Yeah. But for real, you’re normally pretty awake when we’re about to leave. What’s wrong?”

You think for a long time. You couldn’t possibly just tell him you’re going through a sexuality crisis! It’d put your relationship in jeopardy! A sigh escapes your lips as you try to think of a bluff, only to scrap the idea knowing Miles would catch it and hound you until you cave in. But what could you possibly say? “Oh, yeah, i think I’m gay and stayed up all night thinking about it. No biggie.” Yeah, right. But at the same time, he opened up to you about him being Spider-Man, so why can’t you just explain your problem to him? “Because he’d hate you.” is the lie your brain is plagued with. You know Miles isn’t homophobic and you know he’d probably just try to help you out. You’ve been through thick and thin with him. He can trust you, and you can trust him.

You realize you’re taking too long when another note flies onto your desk. You don’t read it and just answer the other one: “It’s kinda complicated. Swing by my room when you get a chance, alright?” You toss it back and refocus your attention to the lesson.

It'll be alright.

Right?

🌸~~🌸 🌸~~🌸 🌸~~🌸 🌸~~🌸

Time flies and you’re now sitting at your desk in your dorm. Your roommate’s off to who knows where, so you’re by yourself just waiting for that fateful tap on your window from Miles. Normally after school he’ll do some spider stuff before coming back and chilling out for the rest of the day, most of the time with you. That is, unless some guy tries to wreck havoc on Brooklyn, and it’s up to Miles to take them down. As much as it sucks when he has to leave, you admire how dedicated and passionate he is about doing what’s right and protecting what he loves most. You also appreciate how much he’s helped you throughout the school year. High school is no joke, and there have been some times when you felt like all was hopeless. But with Miles there, you came out of those slumps for the better. You also admire the way his eyes shine with that cheeky glow when he says an exceptionally cheesy joke, with that charming smile to go with it. And his kinda cute laugh and—

Oh no.

You groan and lean back in your chair. It’s those thoughts again. The very thoughts that have you so tired and confused. The line between admiration for guys and attraction towards guys has been blurred and now you’re not sure if there even is a difference for you. You close your eyes and continue to think before a shadow blocks out the sun and you hear a knock at the window. “Here we go..” you think to yourself as you unlock the window and open it for Miles.

"How you been?" Miles says as he steps through with that same sweet enthusiasm. He’s not in his Spider-Man suit so you figure all went well. “I’ve just been chilling out,” you say and sit back down, “nothing too exciting.”

He hums in response before taking a seat on your bed. “So what was it you needed to explain that was so complicated? Don’t tell me you’re having an identity crisis!” he jokes. You don’t smile because that’s exactly what it is. He notices the change in your demeanor and grows worried. “Ah..I see,” he looks over you for any hints as to what’s bothering you, “uhm…would you feel comfortable explaining?” he asks.

You take a long moment to think. Is this really a good idea? Should you even tell him? It’s not like you’re confessing to him so bad how could it be? You take a slow, long breath in, and release it just as slow. “I think….i think i like guys…” You finally say. “And i spent all night trying to figure that out, which is why i was so tired in class today.”

Well there it is. It’s out.

You both sat in silence and stared at each other for a long moment. Miles looked like he was in disbelief. Great, you blew it. You go to try and reverse the damage before Miles speaks up.

“Wait, really?! You too?!” He exclaims much to your surprise. You too? Wait so does he…

“You’ve been thinking the same thing?” You ask him.

“Yeah! Like, all the time!”

This is some news. You thought he was gonna try to leave and awkwardly forget about the situation. Never did you consider the possibility of him thinking the same thing. But now what? You know he’s possibly not straight like you, but what are you supposed to do with this information? Honestly you didn’t think you’d make this far. “So,” you speak up, “what now? I mean, we’ve got the same problem. How do we solve it?” A good move on your end. Not too leading, but leading enough to keep the conversation going without you both just changing the subject.

“Uhm…have you ever kissed a girl before?” He asks, his eyes avoiding yours.

“No, why?"

"Well, i was just thinking we could..." he trails off, hoping you get the memo.

"Think we could—“ you’re cut off by the realization hitting you— “Oh…i…get what you’re saying. Kiss and compare how it feels when we kiss a girl, right?”

He sheepishly nods. “Yeah, but neither of us have kissed a girl so it wouldn’t work.” His eyes fall to the floor, and you’re stuck looking at the wall. A kiss? Would that really work? Maybe neither of you need to have kissed a girl—or anyone else for that matter—to see compare how it feels when you kiss a boy. You’re a boy. He’s a boy. Why should you have any prior experience? But is it a good idea? What if you like it, but he doesn’t? There’s only one way to find out..

Forget words. You get up and stand in front of Miles. Your hands find a spot on his face and they stay there as you look deep into his eyes. A question. A silent way of asking for permission when words aren’t good enough. He nods and you lean in, gently bringing his face to yours.

After what feels like an eternity, your lips meet. At first you’re both hesitant, but it’s as if a spark went through you both as you relax and lean in to the kiss. Miles holds your hands on his face and let’s the kiss linger for a moment longer than you both thought it’d last. It’s the sweetest first kiss one could have. The world only starts to spin again when you both pull away, practically breathless.

"Did…did that answer your question?" Miles asks, his voice soft.

"Yeah. Did it answer yours?”

Miles nods and leans in again for another kiss with more confidence. His hands find yours and he brings you down onto the bed to sit beside him, before slowly pulling away again.

“Yeah…” he breathes.

You’re a lot more awake now.

🌸~~🌸 🌸~~🌸 🌸~~🌸 🌸~~🌸 🌸~~🌸 🌸~~🌸 🌸~~🌸

[rebouks]

It's been a while since I read your story and sadly I come here today as a hater: I'm afraid you're not cooking with this romance storyline with Robin. Seeing him kiss Aster was the weirdest thing because he's the most asexual character I've seen in a while. You joked how people didn't believe Robin would get a smooch but it's still not believable, at least not to me. Sorry, but I'm not eating what you're serving. I hope you don't take this badly. But if you do, you have the right to kill me.

There's also something that gave me pause: the reveal that Penny cheated on Levi once and will likely do it again, and probably with Jacob since she has a crush on him.

I just can't see Jacob entertaining Penny. First, Jacob would never accept Levi's sloppy seconds. And second, I think Jacob has an arrogant side that would clash with Penny's attitude of thinking highly of herself. "I'm too good for you" is what I see coming from him regarding her. He's a womaniser but he has taste, and Penny is rotten to the bone like Victoria. And because they're teenagers, Jacob ridiculing Penny as an indirect jab towards Levi would be so realistically petty. There's nothing quite like hitting your enemies from all angles. I'm sure Bruno taught him that. And with Levi being such a doormat, it seems it'll take somebody else to put that girl in her place and knock her down a few pegs.

And Penny's reaction to being rejected for the first time would be a sight. It's what she deserves.

And speaking of Bruno, he must come back! Ivan and Francesca are cute I guess but Brivan is still the 5-star dish and I like the spice Bruno brings to your story. Imagine if Francesca's crazy ex turns out to be an actual problem and Ivan had the bright idea of hitting up Bruno when he realised he couldn't handle the guy? "We split because I wanted to return to this life and you didn't, but now you come here asking the mafia to get involved in your life again so we can help you sort out a guy...? You've lost your mind. You and your woman just need to go to the police like everyone else with an abusive partner. Now get out." but then think twice when he meets the guy in question when he contacts Bruno's family to buy an illegal firearm from them, babbling how he's going to "fix" his ex's new boyfriend and get her and his son back. Initially, he'd be hurt Ivan only sought him for the sake of his new girlfriend, but Bruno will be damned if anything happened to the man who owns his heart and their little daughter. And we know he doesn't mind getting his hands dirty, huh? :3c

Hmmmm maybe you're not wrong to refuse what I'm serving! Maybe it was made in a shitty diner by a jaded cook who didn't wash their hands and thought rat droppings were sprinkles?? FFFFFFF.. no but I get it, Robin and Levi's plan kinda sucked from the get go and him kissing Aster like that was pretty uncharacteristic.. but alas he is a teenage boy with bad decision making skills and false bravado from his little gift, so here we are.

I will say that he's definitely not asexual tho and if I have, I didn't mean to give off that vibe for him.. believe me, most of these teens, including Robin, are thinking and (sometimes) acting on thoughts right now, wink wonk (hell, I know I was at that age) but it's not something I particularly feel like being too graphic about since they're still teens y'know? I've mostly just implied or alluded to such things when necessary, so my bad if that's not coming off too well, but rather that than be too crass.

I may have joked about Penny cheating on Levi with Jacob, and she definitely would if given the chance, but I think you're right that Jacob wouldn't be interested in her, she's far too high maintenance for him and he'd totally be against the idea of touching Levi's seconds like.. no thx! 🫣 I would love to see her try and get shot down for sure tho, that'd be hilarious!! Someone needs to take her down a peg or two one day! Part of me hopes it IS Levi who does so, but we'll have to see.

Hmmm hmmm hm.. Bruno! As much as I still love Brivan I don't think there's even a slight chance Ivan would ever go to him for help, especially since he went back to that life, even if he thought it'd help. He's so against everything it stands for.. it almost took his life, Oscar's in a roundabout way, Cookie's?! and it DID suck Bruno back in, he's waaay too stubborn and proud as well like, Bruno fucking left him for THAT? Are you kidding??? Fuck crawling back to him for ANYTHING, nope. he'd never! Now, that's not to say Bruno wouldn't jump in without Ivan's permission but (and I'll let you off for this cos we don't know Lee too well) he's way too much of a coward to take matters into his own hands like that. He's just not dealing with losing Frankie/Sawyer in a very healthy way, hence the bullshit spewing from his mouth. He's probably asleep on the job or some shit atm, not buying firearms from Kaden n' co. in Oasis Springs, however exciting that may be.

All that being said, I hope you still like the direction I go with all these threads, because they ARE all going somewhere. We're just dealing with people who don't always make the best decisions at the end of the day and that's what makes this stuff interesting to me! We don't always have to like the path or the choices these guys make but hopefully they all learn something along the way! Or not, I guess? That's also fun sometimes lmao 🤸‍♀️

[everythingseasoning]

Heyo!

I was a lil curious whether you have SatoSugu ship fics written. I haven't read much of it and also because I dropped so many because of 18+ stuff and I don't like the interpretations of the characters.

So far, I am loving your take on both Gojo and Geto — have both your analyses saved to look at again when I'm writing. They're both amazing, I'm telling you.!

I know I could just yk, scroll around but I feel like hearing from the awesome person themselves is better.

Anyway, hope you're having a good day/night! :D

Hey! :) First of all, thank you so much for your praise on my JJK Character analysis!! ☹️🫶 I spent a decent amount of time thinking about these characters, trying to understand how they think, why they do/did what they did! It’s a huge compliment to hear and know that you’re using them as reference!! It’s so rewarding to know that the posts I released into the void have some sort of impact/that they’re appreciated. I’m still learning more about them as time goes on, too!

Suguru Analysis here, and Satoru Analysis here, for anyone who wants to read it!

Secondly, no, I haven’t written any satosugu stuff. Maybe one day? It’s an interesting thing to think about, how the two might interact if they ever met one on one after their fallout (prior to geto invading Jujutsu Tech ofc). I actually am going to make a third analysis post on the mischaracterization of Gojo in the JJK fandom, especially with Satosugu. People tend to completely erase Gojo’s strengths and personality in certain fan takes. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate ships, but I think that people reduce Gojo to a sniveling mess of a man hung up on his ex best friend/lover, when that’s really not the case— Gojo’s strength is his ability to move forward, regardless of who he loses. Gege said this himself, that Gojo knows anyone can die at any point. Gojo was a man who was raised to be a weapon, shouldered a huge responsibility, and in order to do so, he couldn’t be the sensitive and clingy type of guy that people write in their fics (which sucks to hear if you’re emotionally invested in him, and people often don’t wanna exit their delusions). This doesn’t mean that Gojo isn’t touchy-feely, he def can be, but emotionally? He isn’t clingy. He could’ve been a WONDERFUL yandere character based on his childhood/teenage isolation, but Gojo didn’t have an incredibly strong sensitivity for others. That’s why he didn’t turn into a villain. He was, ultimately and unfortunately, a successful product, shaped by the people who treated him as less than human. Or that’s my current take, at least.

[rustycottoncandy]

Hii!!!!!!

So there's this huge task that we had to deliver today for History, that I thought was for tomorrow, that neither I nor many other classmates have delivered (which is wRONG, I know, I genuinely thought I'd be able to do it later in the library), and our History teacher doesn't take us not delivering stuff lightly. Or... Merely existing LMAO.

He's popular for giving hugely uncalled-for speeches in his class about how we are never going to amount to anything, and how we're basically useless for this society and we'll be the ones giving him money when his egocentric ass retires (Blame him for me genuinely believing I was gonna die when I reached adulthood because there would be no task I would be capable enough to do. I still think my future's a little fucked, but I might be able to make stuff work if I up my productivity).

Everyone in class hates those talks, and because of the task thingie, I know we're gonna get a brand new speech today and I am NOT excited to hear it <3

Lucky for me, I now sit at the back of the class next to a close classmate, so he won't see me if I choose to draw and I'll have comfort if my eyes get watery. However, I shouldn't have to thank my spot because we shouldn't have to handle these speeches in the first place. They're not about how hard it is to be an adult, but about how we're unfit for adult life and we're gonna be poor and mess up any chance we get to have an actual future. And, I mean... Yeah? Of fucking course we're not fit for adult life; we aren't adults. We aren't fit for adult life because we haven't had a taste of it and neither have we got the responsibilities an adult has? We're teenagers and our main responsibility is to soak in whatever people in his position tell us to then spit it out on a piece of paper. If you want to talk to us about adult life, and about working and shit, then do so, but don't state that we're so incompetent and useless we're gonna starve because we do not need to fucking hear that.

I'm writing this now to prepare myself mentally for the speech, lol. This man's speeches have gotten me to hugely reflect on society (and how much it sucks) and how much better it would be for all of us if we just died and reincarnated as cats. They've made me hate being a human and rant to my parents about how I won't do anything of use when I'm an adult because my dream job will probably get taken over by a machine (fuck AI I hope it dies), so I'll be useless and starve to death, and how scary I find it to be that, in this society, you must be useful to somebody else if you want to survive. I don't wanna think about that again at 8AM. I don't wanna think about that at all 'cause my head doesn't like it and I don't enjoy it when my head doesn't like certain topics because it won't shut the fuck upppp<333

Just a heads-up, if you want your students to listen to you in class and actually deliver stuff, then, maybe don't take an hour from their day to make them feel useless? And, maybe, I don't know, make us actually want to respect you and make you proud?

I don't know what it's like for other people, but, in my case, the teachers that I'm most scared of disappointing are the ones that I feel safe around and whose classes I enjoy. The ones that don't make me think of suicide as an option and instead encourage me and the rest of the class to work towards our goals.

Fuck this teacher, I hope he gets fired or something.

[digitallovergirl]

　　HERE'S YOUR COFFEE.. AND MY NUMBER

☕ . . . Barista! Leo Valdez x Customer! Reader.

in which: Leo has a favorite customer, and it's most definitely you.

authors note: I don't have much to say for this one LOL. I'm writing this right after I post my poll to see what fic you guys would like from me so this is one of the options ! also I like to think that the store Leo works at is a mom and pop shop and the parents who run the place love Leo and gave him the job as soon as the place opened 🤭

warnings: literally none

Was it wrong for Leo to have a favorite?

He didn't think so. I mean, It's not like it was obvious. His job was to make caffeine drinks for teenagers, college students, and thirty year old women with two kids. Who would know (or care) that he liked one customer more than another. As long as the quality wasn't getting worse for one customer and way better for a second one.. Why do they care?

When Leo says they, he means his coworkers. He might have talked about one customer a little too much (and how pretty they were) and one day, the people who worked around him were like: "Wait.. do you have a crush on one of the customers?"

Which Leo responded with: "Uhm.. No?" (He's rubbing the back of his neck and blushing like crazy. He also sucks at lying)

So ever since that day, Leo's wonderful peers have been his wingmen and wingwoman. Every time they'd have a break, the people on the job would go into the back and talk about ways Leo could smoothly give you his number. At first, the meetings were really embarrassing. They'd often joke around about how Leo had a crush on somebody who he only saw for a good few minutes a day, but as it went on for longer, they would actually give some good advice.

So Leo, taking all the advice he'd learned from his fellow people's, decided to shoot his shot. And he didn't just pick a random day, no, he might have checked the weather for the week and picked the coldest day because, lets be honest, who doesn't want a hot drink on a cold day?

The day you came into the shop was definitely cold, but that didn't stop you from wearing something cute. As soon as one of Leo's coworkers saw you, she basically pushed Leo to the front desk without saying a word. "What in the world are you—" he stopped talking when he saw you walking up to the front desk. "Well, look who it is." He smirked.

"Hi, Leo." You smiled back, glancing at his name tag and back at him. Not that you had forgotten his name, but it was hard to remember stuff when you were around him. "Can I get a [insert usually order] please?" you asked.

"And will that be a to-go order?"

"Unfortunately, yes. I have a job interview in like.. " You turned your phone on to check the time. "thirty minutes? and I can't be low on energy. I'm trying to get the job, not lose it. "

Leo laughed. "I bet either way you'd get it." If his eyes could form hearts, it would. you were so, so pretty.

[ little time skip hehe ]

It didn't take that long for you drink to come to you (mostly because Leo was high on energy and was making it for you) But before he gave you the drink, he wrote a little something on the side of your cup.

"I'm going to be very honest, you're cute. I'm going to put my number below this just in case you think i'm cute too." He signed the letter with his name and a little red heart that he used a red sharpie to make.

"Here's your drink." Leo handed the coffee cup to you, purposely giving it to you in a way so that your hands could slightly touch. "Thank youu." You said, smiling. "See you next time I come in?" You asked.

"See you next time." He shoot you a pair of finger guns (which was extremely nerd & cute thing for him to do.) "Good luck on your job interview!" he said before you walked out the door. He wasn't happy that you had to leave, but at least you leaving meant his heart wouldn't beat so fast. The only this that he could hope was that you saw his note on the side of your coffee cup.

[stargazer-sims]

Count On Me

Like your favourite chair, I'll hold you close whether you lose or win. I'm that breath of air flowing out and flowing right back in. I hope you know that I am here, always close and always near.

♫ Count on Me - Diana Ross ♫

_______________

This will make more sense if you've already read Full Circle and Broken Glass

CONTENT WARNING - violence, death

_______________

"Ugh... I suck." Fox sinks onto his sister's couch with all the grace of a seal flopping onto a beach rock. He leans his head against one of the decorative cushions on the back of of the sofa and lets out a groan. "I never imagined I'd screw up a conversation so much. And with my own kid, no less."

Now that he's calm, he realizes how exhausted he is. He navigates difficult situations all the time at work with kids in care, biological parents, foster parents, and professionals connected to each of his clients, but none of those interactions ever seem to drain him as much as this one conversation with his teenage son has.

He'd shared everything with Clancy in the car on the way over to her house, all about his confrontation with Forest and what had led up to it in the first place, and about his frustration and sense of inadequacy to handle it. Clancy was sympathetic, but he could tell she also had a lot she wanted to say. To her credit, though, she hadn't offered any of her own opinions in the car. She'd let him talk

Clancy hands him a mug of tea and then sets her own mug on the coffee table before sitting down next to him. "You don't suck. Your kid sucks."

"No, he doesn't."

"Okay, maybe not him personally, but it sounds like his attitude could use a serious adjustment."

"I don't know where we went wrong," Fox says. "None of our other kids are like this. Not that they're angelic or anything, but the other five combined don't give us as much trouble as Forest does. I thought we were parenting them all more or less the same way, but we must've dropped the ball with Forest."

"I don't know why you think it has to be your fault, or Takahiro's," Clancy says.

"Because we're his parents."

"And?"

"And we're supposed to teach him how to be his best self," he says.

"Kids are individuals, you know," Clancy points out. "You can try your hardest, but at the end of the day, they're the only ones who can decide if they're gonna be the best version of themselves or not. Forest is seventeen. He's going to make his own choices whether you like them or not."

"Yeah, but I hoped he'd make better ones."

"We all want that," Clancy says. "I want Grey and Frankie to make good choices too, but they're getting to an age where I have less and less influence over them. Especially Frankie. A sixteen year old with a driver's license and a part-time job? That kid thinks she owns the world."

"I'll bet she's never openly questioned your love though, or looked you in the face and told you to shut up."

"She knows better than to do that," Clancy declares. "She's free to make her own choices, with the understanding that every choice has consequences. I might not be able to spank her any more, but she knows I'm not above handing out other punishments."

"You know Taka and I don't punish our kids."

"Maybe you should," she says. "I know you guys are into that gentle parenting or whatever, but sometimes trying to reason with a kid is about as effective as banging your head against a brick wall. I'm not saying you're failures as parents, because you're totally not, but I think a few well-placed slaps on the bum when he was little might've done Forest some good."

"Violence isn't the answer, Clancy."

"Nobody's telling you to commit violence," she counters. "People shouldn't be indiscriminately hitting their kids every time they make some little mistake. All I'm saying is that on the occasions when using your words isn't getting the job done, sometimes you have to use other methods."

Fox sets his tea down on the end table and then turns to fix his sister with a level gaze. "Such as assaulting children?"

"Oh my God." Clancy lets out her breath in an audible huff. "I see where Forest got that hard head from."

"Excuse me?"

"Fox, you're deliberately missing the point," says his sister. "Look, I know spanking was never in your playbook, and it's fine. It hasn't been in mine either since Frankie was maybe six or seven years old. My point was, sometimes just talking to a kid isn't enough. Sometimes they need a stronger message."

"Such as?"

"Such as consequences that make them think about their actions. Some people have to learn things the hard way."

"I guess that makes sense," Fox concedes.

"Of course it makes sense," Clancy says. "Forest needs to understand he's not entitled to a free ride through life and that he can't get away with throwing a tantrum when things don't go his way, and you and Takahiro need to teach him that before someone else does, 'cause they won't love him like you do and... you know."

"We'll give him a safety net, and other people won't."

"Exactly."

Fox sighs. "Why can't parenting be easier?"

"If I knew how to make it easier, I'd write a book, make millions of dollars off it, and retire from the police force." Clancy gives him a half-smile. "Incidentally, if you think you've got it hard, you should try parenting by yourself.

"Sorry," Fox says. "I wasn't thinking of—"

"No, don't apologize. I was the one who brought it up." She reaches for her own mug of tea. Several seconds pass as she holds the mug between both hands and gazes into it. "The actual parenting part wasn't any less difficult when Garrett was alive. It's just... I miss being able to discuss things with him, and I miss us backing each other up."

"I don't know how you got through it," Fox tells her. "I'd be devastated if anything happened to Takahiro. I have no idea how I'd survive losing him."

"You'd survive," Clancy says. "I can't tell you how, but you'd do it somehow. If you were on your own, you'd have no choice. You'd find a way to do it for your kids."

His sister is right. As much as he knows a part of him would want to lie down and surrender, he would go on for the sake of his children, just like Clancy did. "I guess I would."

"You would," Clancy reiterates. "Sink or swim, you know? It's what you've got to do."

Fox nods. "I know."

He recalls the day, eight years ago, when his brother-in-law Garrett died. It had started as a perfectly normal Friday in early August, and Fox had been at the office finishing some paperwork and writing notes on the files one of his co-workers, Chloë St-Jean, would be overseeing for him while he was on vacation for the following two weeks. His mind hadn't been entirely on the task. He'd been too busy daydreaming about his family's upcoming camping adventure. He pictured himself playing and exploring with Taka and their kids, spending hot, hazy afternoons painting by the lake, making s'mores and singing campfire songs, and then snuggling by the slowly fading fire with Taka after all the kids were tucked into their sleeping bags.

Lost inside his own head, he barely acknowledged the approaching sound of police sirens on the street outside his office window. About fifteen minutes later, the distinctive wail of ambulance sirens racing past the building didn't entirely register either. It was only when Chloë dashed through the open doorway of his office with her phone in her hand and a wild look in her eyes that he pulled himself away from his reverie.

She announced herself with, "I just got a call from my brother."

"What happened?" Fox asked, and then because Chloë seemed so upset, "Is he okay?"

"Yeah, he and Belle are fine, thank God. They're shaken up, probably like everyone else, but they're not hurt."

"What happened?" he asked again.

"Fox! There was a literal high-speed chase outside your window, like twenty minutes ago, and you didn't notice?"

"A high-speed chase? In downtown Willow Creek?" He was thoroughly confused and knew he sounded incredulous, but he couldn't help it. "I heard the sirens, but I didn't realize—"

"Davian said the car the cops were chasing crashed straight through the front of the building where his studio is," she explained, breathless. "Some people in the building got hurt, and Dav said they could hear shooting outside and he thinks somebody might've died, but he didn't know if it was a police officer or one of the bad guys or somebody else."

As things unfolded, Fox learned that more than one person had lost their life. While Chloë was still in his office, trying to calm herself down after the phone call with her brother, Fox's own phone rang. It was his sister.

"Fox, I need you." Clancy's normally strong, assertive demeanour had been replaced by a voice so weak and small that he almost didn't recognize it. "I got a call from dispatch. It... it's Garrett. There was a situation... something happened downtown."

She offered as much information as she knew, and asked Fox to meet her at the hospital. When he arrived at the ER, he found Clancy, her partner Harry, and two uniformed officers standing in the waiting area, apparently heedless of the handful of unoccupied chairs. To an outside observer, Clancy might've seemed steady and composed, but Fox could tell she was a hair's breadth away from losing it. He couldn't speak for Harry or the two patrol officers, but he knew why Clancy wasn't sitting. The instant she let herself relax, she'd fall apart.

The uniformed cops started to move toward him as if they might try to stop him from getting to his sister, but Harry reached out and put a hand on one of their shoulders. "That's her twin brother. It's fine."

Fox hadn't wanted to be right, but the moment Clancy was in his arms, she let out a sound that was so filled with anguish that it couldn't have been mistaken for anything else. Then, she began to sob. It was as if every tear she'd never allowed herself to shed throughout her life finally burst out of her in an almighty flood.

He'd never seen his sister like that before, and he hoped to God he'd never witness anything like it again. He didn't know what to do, so he just held her as tightly as he could and let her cry.

Clancy was wholly incapable of getting any coherent words out, so it was Harry who told him, "He didn't make it. Garrett, I mean." The detective clenched his huge fists and growled, "That bastard got him."

Harry went on to explain that Garrett and his partner had responded to a 911 call from an employee at a downtown bank who reported an armed robbery in progress. Just as they arrived on scene, the two armed suspects exited the bank and jumped into a waiting car where a third person was already behind the wheel. That, Fox learned, resulted in the chase Chloë had seen from her office window. Harry couldn't say if the getaway driver had lost control of the vehicle or if he'd smashed through the front of a building on purpose, but the collision had effectively ended the chase.

The driver of the getaway car was killed on impact. The back seat passenger, who was still armed with his gun from the robbery, scrambled out of the car and attempted to escape, but he was injured too. He fired at other officers who'd arrived on the scene, but he didn't get far before they were able to disarm and apprehend him.

Meanwhile, Garrett and his partner were checking on the front seat passenger. The guy was obviously injured, and according to what Harry found out from Garrett's partner, they thought the man was unconscious. When Garrett reached in through the smashed car window to check for a pulse, the man suddenly opened his eyes, grabbed Garrett's wrist with one hand and whipped out a previously concealed knife with the other. Before anyone had time to react, the man plunged the long, sharp blade directly into Garrett's neck.

The paramedics made a valiant effort to save him, but he'd passed away in the ambulance, less than a kilometre from the hospital.

"This job's a fucking nightmare some days," Harry concluded. "We all know the danger, but it's like you put it out of your mind so you can get shit done. And then you develop this thing where you start to believe it's never gonna happen to you. Or to somebody you love."

Clancy and Garrett had loved each other passionately, and they both knew the risks. They'd met when Clancy was still a patrol officer too, and despite the warnings of their parents and their fellow officers that getting involved with another cop wasn't a great idea, they would not be deterred.

Six months after they met, Clancy earned all her qualifications to become a detective. Six months after that, she and Garrett got married in a stunningly elaborate ceremony. complete with a police honour guard made up of their colleagues and friends.

They were over the moon when baby Francine came along, and just as elated at the birth of Greyson three years later. It was obvious to everybody who knew them how devoted they were to each other and to their little family, and their bond only grew stronger as time went on.

They loved like there was no tomorrow, as Garrett's mother had put it, or in Garrett's own words, "Make it count. Do all the living you can while you've got a life to live."

Fox was left utterly shaken by the description of his brother-in-law's last minutes. He couldn't imagine what it must've been like for Clancy to hear it again.

"Can I take her home?" he asked Harry.

At that, Clancy raised her head from his shoulder. "No," she said weakly. "I can't go. Not until I see my husband."

So, they waited.

When a doctor eventually came out and said Clancy would be permitted to view the body, both Fox and Harry went with her. When she saw her husband lying on the gurney, with a pristine white bandage across his throat, Clancy let out a scream so feral that Fox struggled to accept it was coming from a human. The sound of his sister's pain and the image of her cradling the pale, still body of her husband had haunted his dreams for months after that.

When they finally did depart the hospital, Fox had to guide her to his car. She stumbled along beside him, seemingly unaware of anything, mumbling things to herself that Fox was unable to comprehend.

He'd been afraid to leave her, so he took her to his own house. Knowing Frankie and Grey were safe with Garrett's parents, he made the decision to let them stay there undisturbed for the time being. Clancy was in no condition to help her kids, and Fox knew they'd be even more traumatized by what had happened if they saw their mother in that state.

As soon as they walked through the front door, Takahiro was there to meet them. He held out his arms to Clancy and she stepped straight into his waiting embrace. Open-hearted Takahiro, with his gift for comforting others, didn't say he was sorry or utter any meaningless platitudes. All he said was, "We're here for you."

Fox could visually observe the tension leaving Clancy's body. She sagged in Taka's arms and whispered, "Thank you, Takahiro."

It wasn't until the next morning that Clancy was ready to be with her kids, and even then she wasn't able to tell them about Garrett herself. It was actually Takahiro who’d broken the news to them and, in his gentle way, answered their questions about what dying meant.

Fox was grateful. He wasn't sure he could've handled it as gracefully as Taka did, and when he said as much to his husband later, Taka's response had been, "It's all right. Sometimes people need help from someone who's one step away. Close enough to care, but not so close that they can’t see things in perspective."

That piece of wisdom is something Fox has carried with him ever since. He thinks he fulfills that role in the lives of his clients, his niece and nephew and his friends, and he's taught himself to recognize when he needs someone to step into that role for him. As much as he wants to prove he's grown enough to manage things on his own, the truth is that he can't keep all the proverbial balls in the air by himself. No one can.

"Hey."

Fox realizes he's allowed too long a pause in the conversation when his sister's one-word sentence interrupts his reminiscence. He glances over at her. "Sorry."

"You okay?" she asks.

"Yeah. I was just thinking."

"About...?"

"Garrett," he admits. "Sorry if that's weird."

"It's not," Clancy says. "I was thinking about him too."

"Because of what I said?"

"Not really," she says. "There isn't a single day where I don't think about him at least once. Sometimes it's the most random thing that'll remind me of him. Like, when I accidentally burn the toast at breakfast, or when I catch myself squeezing the toothpaste in the middle. That annoyed Garrett so much. He used to say I was wasting it."

Fox smiles. "Taka gets after me for being a middle-squeezer too."

Clancy releases an abrupt laugh. "A middle-squeezer?"

"That's what he calls it. He's an end-squeezer, and he thinks that's the only correct way to squeeze out toothpaste. He also thinks there's only one correct way to put a roll of toilet paper on the holder too."

"There is. I had it on good authority from my late husband."

"We have to heed the experts," Fox says.

"Yeah," says Clancy. "God, I miss him. Sometimes I still come up with stuff I want to tell him, and I have these moments where I think 'I can't wait to tell Garrett when I get home from work'. But then I remember, and... yeah."

"So then you call and tell me."

"I'm glad you don't ignore my calls, even when it's about something dumb like seeing a stray chicken in the parking lot at Tim Hortons."

It's Fox's turn to laugh. "Can you imagine the lame jokes Garrett would've made about that? But yeah... you know I'll never ignore your calls. I'm here for you, one hundred percent."

"Same goes for you," Clancy says. "And you're not wrong about the jokes. Garrett thought he'd be a great stand-up comic, you know. He used to write down all his best material, as he called it. Kept it in a notebook in the apartment."

"The garage apartment?"

"Yeah. Well, it wasn't the garage apartment then, but you know what I mean."

As far as Fox knows, Clancy and Garrett's attached garage had never actually had a vehicle in it. The previous owners had been using it primarily for storage, and when Clancy and Garrett bought the house, Garrett decided it'd make a perfect family room. They had the garage door removed and replaced by a regular wall, had a small bathroom built in one corner, and moved in their big-screen TV, exercise equipment, pool table and an old sofa Clancy got from one of their cousins. Fox and Taka had spent many evenings hanging out with Clancy and Garrett, chatting and watching movies while all the kids played together nearby.

After Garrett passed, Clancy had the space converted into a bachelor flat so she could rent it out and supplement her income. She hired a contractor to construct a kitchenette and to install a separate entrance so her tenants wouldn't have to enter or exit through the house.

"Do you go in there much?" Fox asks. "To the garage apartment?"

"Only to collect the rent, or to fix stuff or clean up after somebody leaves," she says. "I gotta go in there this weekend, actually. I thought the student I had was going to stay for the whole school year, but she up and left. Decided she was going to move in with her boyfriend instead. She left it looking okay, but I still have to clean the floors and give the bathroom a good scrub."

"If you need help, let me know."

"Why? Are you going to send your kids to..." She lets the sentence fade and then grins at him. "Oh, wait."

"What?"

"I just had a genius idea," Clancy declares. "It's brilliant. Kind of a win-win, you might say."

"So, tell me what it is."

"You really could send one of your kids to the garage apartment. I mean, if Forest wants to move out so badly, maybe he should."

"And you think he should move in here?"

"Why not?" says Clancy. "He has a part-time job, doesn't he? He could pay me a little bit of rent every month. You wouldn't have him disrespecting you under your roof any more, and he'd learn how to be responsible for himself."

"I don't think he could do that, being totally on his own."

"He wouldn't be totally on his own. I'd keep an eye on him to make sure he's not going completely off the rails." She winks conspiratorially. "We just wouldn't tell him he's being surveilled."

"He wouldn't last a week," Fox says.

"Weren't you ready to let him run off to Japan by himself earlier today?" Clancy inquires.

"Do you think I actually believed he would?"

"You called his bluff."

"I did," Fox confesses.

"I'll bet Mom and Dad didn't believe you'd run away, but you did. They didn't think you'd make it on your own either, but you did that too."

"Fair point, but the difference between me and Forest is that my life was actually terrible and I had a valid reason to run away. I had to get out of there, and I was ready to change. Plus, I was twenty-five and fully educated."

"True, but the end goal is still the same," Clancy insists. "Look how much getting out from under our parents' roof did for you."

Fox considers it. He likes Clancy's plan in theory and he's thankful that she's willing to covertly supervise Forest, but he's not totally convinced his son could cope with being independent. As much as he wants Forest to learn that particular lesson, it'll defeat the purpose of the experiment if Forest begs to come home after only a few days.

"I'll have to discuss it with Taka," he says.

"I'd be concerned if you didn't," Clancy replies. "You can let me know what you decide, but don't take too long, okay? I want to advertise it for rent again if Forest isn't going to be moving in."

"Okay," Fox says. "Hopefully, we'll be able to let you know by the weekend."

[insufferableprotagonistpoll]

Round 1

Propaganda why Dr. Heinrich Faust is insufferable:

"Dude is an old disgruntled man that does nothing but complain. He gets the coolest sidekick (Mephisto) who grants him the power of looking hot and young again and what does Faust do with that power ?

-- no suspense here we all read the play. He seduces an underage girl (Gretchen), impregnates her then fucks off to party with a bunch of witches for 9 months, after wich Gretchen is sentenced to death for killing the resulting infant after you know....BEING A SHELTERED YOUNG WOMAN NOT REALLY KNOWING WTF TO DO WITH A NEWBORN.

And then Faust cries to her about it in prison.

Faust sucks. "

"INSANE over him being submitted and SURE i'll go along with it. He is supposed to be insufferable, clearly. Which REALLY starts in the Gretchentragödie. Where he (middle aged scholar) tries to get with a 14yr old girl (and manages to) and kills like her whole family. The reason this is extra infuriating is because in the first part of the drama he's actually quite relatable. Whining about how he has nothing to live for and how he studied everything there was at the time and he STILL doesn't get what the world's really about. He also recognizes that nature and culture have a lot to offer instead. So what does he do when a demon promises him a fulfilled life in a deal? Of course he decides to groom a 14yr old. Cool writing, there's a reason it's a classic. But yeah, he's Supposed to suck and be infuriating. He acts like a little BITCH towards mephisto, the demon, asks him for shit all the time, like a toddler. In my opinion, gay sex would have fixed him. If a demon told me he'd give me anything to make life worth my time i know who I would bang instead of the 14yr old. Not only does he wanna be with her but he's so BAD at it too. Failure of a man. You WILL want to punch him"

"Rarely have I ever loathed a character as much as Faust.

He starts relatable enough, wanting to know more than possible and stuff, but he is incapable of accepting a no. Desperation and hubris are fun, don't get me wrong, but he is so incredibly annoying about it.

My main issue is his obsession with Gretchen though. Like. My guy gets deaged into youth and needs to fuck the first girl he sees. Buddy, she's, like, 16 At Most (probably 14 actually but I don't remember). You're literally an old fuck of a professor. And like, you literally keep calling her a child and ignoring all her concerns and her values! The only times you agree with her are to placate her so you can still get in her pants!!

And like. He literally admits this outright. He literally says he doesn't care what happens to her as long as he gets what he wants. He manipulated a teenage girl into accidentally murdering her mother during their first time. Then he leaves her alone! She's pregnant, that's a death sentence!

And AFTER the fever dream of Walpurgis Night or whatever he's like "ohhhh I love you so much please run away with me and abandon all your values again" LITERALLY SHUT THE FUCK UP THIS IS YOUR FAULT.

YOU LITERALLY HAVE A LIFE TIME OF EXPERIENCE YOU KNEW EXACTLY WHAT YOU WERE DOING AT ALL TIMES YOU'RE A MISERABLE ARSEHOLE WHO KILLED HER AND SOMEHOW YOU STILL DON'T RESPECT HER AS LIKE A HUMAN????

Like even for the time! That's fucked up! Even in the fucking context of Goethe's time that is messed up!!

Anyway I haven't yet gotten to read the second book but I'll do it literally just to watch Faust die. I need him to die so badly. He's such a horny, selfish, holier-than-thou bastard who thinks he's better than everyone because he's do "big picture" and "studied all fields of science" and then acts Like That. I'm chewing on his remains. I hope he suffers forever.

Like. You could have done anything. But instead you manipulated a teenage girl (and like, literally, not the tumblr usage) just to sleep with her, doomed her for your own pleasure and then had the gall to throw a fit and make her death all about yourself, and still didn't acknowledge her as a person even once. I hope you choke on your ego, Dr. Heinrich Faust."

Propaganda why Victor Frankenstein is insufferable:

"Victor Frankenstein is so pathetic not even tumblr could love him. The best parts of Frankenstein are the ones where your blessedly saved from being in his whiny, self deprecating, self centered pov. He’s so conceited that when his creation tells him directly “In revenge for killing the wife you were making for me I’m going to kill YOUR wife to see how YOU like it!”, Victor Frankenstein thinks that the creation is going to kill him and *only* him. (A decision And on top of it, he’s a shitty dad. Truly the worst.c

"this fucker has zero self awareness, which could maybe be fun to read about! except that 3/4 of the book consists of him constantly woe-is-me-ing about his own mistakes and how he shouldn't be responsible for any of his own actions."

"He's not irredeemable, but his refusal to take accountability til it's too late is irritating"

"The man has never one in his life taken responsibility for his own actions. He's always surprised when the things he does have consequences for him and the people around him.

"It's not my fault I spent months grave robbing for spare body parts, sewing them together, and giving life to the results. How could I have ever predicted that that creature wouldn't look quite right? How could I have known that it was wildly irresponsible to abandon the grown man sized newborn that I created?"

Man acts like he is a completely innocent victim when, in reality he's the cause of every one of the problems in the book."

[slashfic-daydreams]

Here's an interesting one: any headcanons on what the people around the slashers were like?

Friends and Foes

Fandom(s): Slashfic Dorian

Character(s): Ghost, Leather, Jay, Mike

Pairing(s): None

Writing Style: Headcanons

Genre(s): Angst

Warning(s): In-game spoilers, mental abuse, neglect

Note: So the main reason why it took me a while to write this is because I didn't understand it at first. I still don't understand what you mean by "people", but I hope I'm doing this right!

——————————————————————

We know in the latest chapter that Ghost admitted to be an angsty teenage asshole and how he was angry at the world. So I'm seeing that he has anger issues which made him unapproachable.

Maybe he can be chill with some of the guys, though. In Chapter 30, he spot Ghost playing frisbee.

For his mother, I think she was very exhausted of how Ghost mistreats her, but she continues to love him anyway. She's her son, after all, and she would do anything for him.

As for Lysa, it's rather confirmed she only viewed Ghost as a pawn that was easy to play with. Around him, she might have been sweet and funny. But behind his back, an absolute monster.

In conclusion, the people who were around Ghost were either interested in him or wary around him. There is no in between.

If you see a 6'7" bulky man with a chainsaw running towards you, what would you do? In the most logical sense, you run away. This is the most common reaction people can get when facing Leather.

But when he was still a young lad, I like to think Leather was somebody reserved and shy. It's confirmed that he did not have a lot of friends in Chapter 30, so he was probably quite awkward, too.

Leather's family already sucks, so how much more did he go through their cruelty? His mother wanted to execute witches in the wrong ways. Jammy and Hitch were constantly bullying Leather's face... yeah, they definitely showed little to no care to him.

To many people, they would think his only goal was to murder for his own satisfaction. He was a big guy and his choice of weapon is literally a chainsaw. Obviously, they would be fearful of the Slasher.

In conclusion, the people around Leather were very fearful of him. On the other hand, his family members mistreated him both mentally and emotionally.

Alexah! Play the song "Who's Afraid of Little Old Me?" by Taylor Swift!

Honestly, Jay's mask has got to be the most unnerving compared to the other three. So as much as he looks nice, people will still be scared of him. That goes for his attitude as well. Although he reassures the people that he will not harm, his unpredictable behavior would still make you doubt.

We all know that the kids back in Jay's younger days were mean, and we know because they made fun of him for his "strangeness". My headcanon is that the kids were not very disciplined enough, thus their crude behavior towards Jay.

As for the adults, they were certainly evil and heartless people. But since Jay was only a child, the adults had to manipulate him that they were doing all of it for "his own good". They were basically two-faced towards little Jay, eventually nurturing his murderous tendencies.

In conclusion, the people around Jay were evil in their own ways. The kids bully him for being different, whereas the adults manipulated him numerous times which made the Slasher who he is today.

Mike here is the literal incarnate of pure evil itself, what do you expect will people react to that?

Slashfic's Chapter 33 just released yesterday, and in there, we got lore of how Mike is treated by his own family. They obviously show little to no care to Mike, though they also treat him like a prince. It's somehow easy yet complicated to understand.

People definitely feared Mike because of his "privilege" and he was already capable of committing murders at six years old. Whenever Mike holds power, the people immediately bow down to him. But when he is helpless, they start talking trash about him. (LEAVE MY MIKE ALONE)

We don't have much information about his older sister for the time being, but I do headcanon that she also experienced the same treatment from the Dunlaps. Although it's currently unknown whether she was also affected by The Darkness since birth, I have a feeling she did and she possibly tried helping Mike nurturing it every now and then.

In conclusion, the people around Mike only took care of him because he was the literal incarnate of pure evil, which is what his parents wanted. Even if he was treated so highly like royalty, Mike never experienced genuine love or support from his parents or peers. For the Dunlaps, he was only an item to be used for The Darkness.

(The banners used are created by me. Ask for permission first if you wish to use them in your works.)

[hyperbali]

its interesting how we really had the opposite feeling when it came to bioware games; ive never played origins or 2, sunk hours upon hours of my life into inquisition (a self-indulgent inquisition rewrite fanfic was the writing project that got my wife and i together!) and then veilguard totally killed my interest in the world of thedas tbh

but mass effect was totally revolutionary for me, as a teenager and even recently when i replayed the trilogy and i remember having all these feelings that DA fans are having now when andromeda released. its this terrible peek behind the curtain and realizing that the love and passion i thought they had for these games has been rotted out for trend chasing profit... its really said

and dont get me wrong!! i was so SO excited for the next da BECAUSE andromeda destroyed me so badly. and i was (still am tbh) a huge solas lover and like i said there is a huge level of personal investment in the story but oh man. its still sinking in how bad vg was. and now bioware is truly just dead... dreadwolf was such a beacon of hope but fuck. this just sucks man i miss when my favorite games were good :(

It's so fucking bad, man. I mentioned in the tags on some of Matt Rhodes' concept art for DATV that I used to have fun tutting about how much better his ideas were than the final product - this time, it just made me angry

And yeah, if I think more than surface level about how Veilguard did everything in its power to destroy the series' existing lore, I get pretty upset! It's genuinely really insulting! It feels like getting kicked in the teeth for having ever liked it in the first place!

...but I think what might help explain my attitude about this a little better is that I got really intensely into Marvel and the MCU towards the tail end of 2018, when the first Spiderverse came out

...and then Endgame happened. And. Dear fucking god did it just completely fucking kill any interest I had in the MCU as a franchise

But the notable thing I did was just... deciding to ignore the canon. Who gave a shit what they said happened? I've always smashed my cringe fail OCs and self-inserts into this stuff anyway - who's stopping me from continuing to have fun in the sandbox?

Basically,

Fuck it, man, the foundation is there, I'm just gonna play with it!

Which is how I'm also approaching Dragon Age. There's decent bits and pieces - what exists from the whale fall of Joplin - and Veilguard has caused me to think more retrospectively about the entire series.

I'm starting to like Alistair. I'm starting to hate Aveline. I'm putting Anders on a gender spiral. I'm making it so my femme Warden was able to do the Dark Ritual with Morrigan. Fuckssake, my Rook is Extra Special™️ because she was born in the Fade and she's got a Flemythal shard in her head giving her a constant stream of Dumb Bitch Juice!

And god. I have been working on this fucking Orlesian bard project for so long. I am excited to get to when I'm finally able to share the damn thing.

Cringe is dead. I'm indulging. I get why people have to walk away, and I don't blame them for it - this shit is rough. But if I don't derive joy from the post-apocalyptic wreckage, I don't know what I'm gonna do with myself, y'know?

[miradelletarot]

Sad brain hours are stupid

Personal post alert. Just me kinda mumbling my random sad brain thoughts into the void, and hope something make sense (or at least helps me get this shit out of my head idk).

*note: this is all over the fucking place so...sorry.* My confidence is pretty low lately. I mean, it always has been honestly. I was raised to have a low self-esteem (just like my mother, who also had self-esteem issues, and projected a lot of her shit onto me). So, I have never ever really been confident. In my marriage, I can't recall a time when my husband truly made me feel sexy/desirable (unless he wanted something from me...you know what I'm talking about). Even mentally and emotionally, I'm really not that smart. I'm not witty, or quick, or brilliant in any way, and my anxiety and depression and ADHD make shit hard enough to cope with as it is. I struggled in school. Mostly an A & B student, but I had to bust my ass for those grades. Not to mention my horrible memory...I'm lucky I know basic grade school shit. I have no illusions that there is anything remotely spectacular about me. I think that's why I love supporting and helping others. Especially with tarot. It's my way of trying to help lift people up, and make them feel good about themselves, and their prospects because *someone* needs to be in your corner (general "you"). It's just easier to give my love to others, because I'd rather use my energy to celebrate the people I care about. Lately, I am really just feeling so down about my body. More than I have in a while. I think I've ignored it for so long because I was married. He stopped putting in effort and so did I. I had no one to impress anymore. But, despite him completely letting himself go (he's well over 400lbs now, and does NOT take care of himself in the slightest,) he said he was no longer attracted to me. (this will make sense in a moment...promise).

in 2018, I had a weird ass health scare that landed me in the hospital for a week, and the nurse said I nearly died of sepsis. Her words were (and I'll never fucking forget it...) "if you had waited even until tonight to come to the ER, there's a good chance you wouldn't have made it." Drs still dunno what the fuck happened to me. Ever since that happened, my thyroid went stupid (thanks again, MOTHER...) and I gained a ton of weight. I have always been on the heavier side (180lbs when I got married 16 yrs ago. I'm 5 ft tall for context). Now, I'm 243 lbs. I was 265, but I lost a lot of that stress weight after I left my husband. So, that's certainly something.

But...I just don't see the improvement. i don't feel any better. I have such a horrible relationship with exercise, and i am working so fucking much I don't even want to even though I know I should. I hate wearing makeup b/c of how it makes my face feel, and in the Florida, soul-sucking heat? I could never. But, I still have breakouts like a fucking teenager going through puberty. and my hair? fuck. i hate it. it's a poofy, frizzy mop. ALSO...fucking hell. I have had a slight lisp since i was a kid. I worked really hard to correct it b/c i was in choir and shit and my music teacher helped me with it, but recently i find that it's a lot more prominent than it used to be, and it sticks out to me SO fucking much, and i feel so insecure about it lately.

It's time's like these when something my ex said to me before i left really sticks in my head (he apologized for saying this btw, but it doesn't make the pain go away). He said "you'll never find anyone as good as me." I really want to believe he's wrong, but sometimes? It feels like he's right. Like I'll never be pretty or thin enough to be desirable to anyone. Too much depression and anxiety. Too weird. Too vulgar. Just...Too much, and oddly not enough at the same time. Even though it's only been 6 months since I left him I am fucking lonely. I won't lie, I miss having a partner (and all that entails). I'm so afraid I'll be alone forever. If I lower my standards, I'll just get some shitty asshole again. Someone just like my ex. I'm too fucking old to date around like I'm in my 20s. I'm pushing 40. I'm either going to find the man of my dreams (the Gale of my heart, a real one lol) or I'll be forever alone.

I'm in hell...and it looks like a pixelated paradise.

[manicpixiedreamguy]

The trans man's guide to singing (on T and other things)

Introduction:

First things first: I am a trans man on HRT who's studying to become a professional singer (not opera lmao, I'm studying modern singing) and all the information I'm providing comes from my personal experience and what my current teacher, who's been teaching me since I started T, taught and told me during my voice change. This is directed towards people who want to go professional because, again, that's my personal experience, but if you're reading this because you like singing as just a hobby, most of what I'll be talking about applies to you too. I might overexplain things because I want this whole thing to be understandable to everyone, including people who barely know what vocal cords and the diaphragm are; on the same note, I hope I don't end up sounding condescending and if I do, just know that's not my intention at all. I won't be saying anything about pre-T voice training because I never did that and giving the wrong advice when it comes to these things can lead to serious damage to people's vocal cords and throats, so this is strictly a singing through and after a voice change post.

The Basics:

The first thing you have to do is talk to your teacher and explicitly tell them everything about your situation (this applies to anyone, cis or trans: you've worn a back brace during your whole childhood? Tell them. You've had any kind of surgery on your nose? Tell them, and so on; they'll probably ask anyway). I know it can be hard and even scary when you're trans, but if you don't do it you won't achieve your goals; I remember going to another teacher when I was a semi-closeted teenager without disclosing I wanted to work more on my lower register and it made my dysphoria so much worse that I just quit after a few months and didn't try taking singing lessons again for years. And being straightforward helps with both finding a good teacher and finding a safe and positive environment by avoiding bigots (sad, but true). Being honest with your teacher is also crucial because when it comes to singing, it's very important to find positions that feel comfortable and don't physically hurt your throat and vocal cords (or any other body part that's involved in singing) in order to not train your muscle memory on movements that are detrimental for your body, and while no one can find them for you, you need to tell your teacher when something your muscles are doing hurts or feels uncomfortable. Singing is almost like doing sports as the vocal cords are muscles that can and do get hurt, and adopting the wrong positions can result in a less than ideal performance at best and in injury at worst. I can't really help with this though, because I can't tell someone else how to move their own body and how to flex their own muscles and I am not a teacher, I can just tell you to take it slow and that when something's right you'll feel it and when something's wrong you'll also feel it. And remember that something not working for you doesn't make you a failed singer or anything like that, it just means you haven't found what works for you yet.

Singing while wearing a binder:

I wanted to start with this first because I think it's very important. Back in the day I've read posts on the Internet saying you should not sing while wearing a binder and while I do get where those posts are coming from, not everyone can afford to not wear one, myself included (before getting my top surgery last year). At first I tried going to my singing lessons with a sports bra under a loose flannel shirt (that kind of pattern, along with checkered patterns, helps hiding curves) but honestly it sucked as I felt too dysphoric, so I had to come up with a solution. At the time I happened to have an older, more stretched out looser binder that I decided to relegate to the role of singing binder because it didn't do its job properly anymore as an every day binder, but if worn with looser shirts in warm weather and layers in cold weather, it was perfect for singing. It still hid my chest fairly well and wasn't as constrictive as a newer and tighter binder would have been. One important thing to keep in mind is that while wearing a binder your ribcage doesn't have as much freedom as it would have without one and while that does suck, don't beat yourself up if you notice that it's difficult to do some things. I've sung while wearing a binder for most of my life and you can make it work, it just takes time and patience. If you can/want to, you can just not wear anything underneath your shirt to sing, but personally I tried doing that like once and felt awful. And if you wear tape, I guess that would be the best option; I never figured out how to wear it so I have no experience with it, I watched video tutorials and stuff but for me it never worked and I still don't know what I did wrong, but if you do wear it, try going with that.

Singing after top surgery:

I'm sorry for what I'm about to say, but after top surgery you'll have to forget how you sang while wearing a binder and start learning (almost) all over again because it's a whole 'nother story: your posture will be better and your ribcage will be more free, making you able to hold notes for longer and breathe in more air, which means you'll have to do some adjustments. First things first, you'll have to wait at least a month after your surgery to sing again (that's what my surgeon told me but you should still talk to yours, even though I'd say that as long as you'll have to wear the post surgery tight thing I forgot the name of you should avoid singing) and you'll have to take things slow. I got my surgery in August 2023 and I'm still (re)learning stuff, so be patient because it's worth it, my ribcage feels so much better now and my posture has improved, making singing overall better and easier. The most important rule when it comes to singing is listen to your body. If something feels weird or wrong, stop, figure out (with your teacher if you're taking lessons) why it feels like that and try to fix it (again, with your teacher); don't push yourself too far/too hard, otherwise you could get hurt. This applies to singing with a binder, singing after surgery, and just singing in general. Trans, cis, doesn't matter: listen to your body. I can't say anything more about this because everyone's different so I don't think I should be giving tips as what works for me might not work for you, you have to figure it out yourself. Having a teacher helps and there are some things that are pretty much universal, but their body is not your body and there are multiple ways to do the same thing based on each individual's preferences, needs, and bodies.

Can I/should I take singing lessons while my voice is still changing?

Yes, it's actually recommended! I've already said it here, but a couple months before going on HRT I found out through another trans man singer's website that taking singing lesson during your voice change helps a lot, both with your technique and with your voice is general. For your technique, it's beneficial because otherwise you'd end up with a completely different and untrained voice all of a sudden, making it harder to get back into singing and harder to find new positions that work for you, and for your voice in general, it just make the change easier. I have recordings of me singing and talking that I made each month as my voice change progressed and while my singing voice was a mess, some months literally changing every week (not necessarily going lower and lower each time, one week I'd be a baritone and the week later I'd be a tenor for some reason, then back to baritone and so on), my speaking voice rarely cracked. No idea if it's related to me taking singing lessons since the beginning but I'm saying this regardless just in case. For reference, I started T on August 4, 2021 (on this exact same day three years ago!) and started taking singing lessons the following month, so I've basically trained my voice during its entire journey.

Oh no, my voice change is a mess!

Worry not! It's totally normal and there will be lots of adjusting to do and what works for one week or one month or any other period of time probably won't work anymore as your voice keeps changing (especially when trying to switch from your regular voice to your falsetto, as your muscle memory was trained to switch at/on a different range), that's frustrating but, again, normal so don't panic if a position you adopted for a few weeks suddenly doesn't work anymore and you'll end up sounding like a hairdryer with no sound coming out of your mouth. Actually, sometimes what my teacher and I call the hairdryer effect isn't even a matter of positions, sometimes during your voice change you just won't have some specific notes and your voice will break instead but again don't panic, the notes will come eventually. While my voice did drop pretty fast, it took me around two years to finally get a full range (in my case the missing notes were exactly in between my regular register and my falsetto register, making switching between the two a pain; I think it's actually how it is for everyone in general but I'm not sure as I am just me y'know). Also my teacher told me most guys' voices will drop very low for a while and then stabilize themselves on a higher speaking range and while it kinda didn't happen to me according to her due to me being a bass-baritone and my voice stabilizing itself on a much lower speaking range, that's the average experience. Anyway don't worry, your lower notes aren't gone, you still have them but you'll have to work a little more than you used to to hit them.

Figuring out your range and type:

I'll have to tell you about voice types, ranges and classifications first. There are many different voice type classification systems, none of which universally applied (music is messy), so I'll go with the basic operatic six types one that I grew up with and that most people use. From highest to lowest: soprano, mezzosoprano (also known as just mezzo), contralto, tenor, baritone, bass. Those are the main groups, but there are subcategories as well, such as countertenor (sometimes considered a main group for some reason, no shade though) and bass-baritone (my voice type! 👋). If your voice's done changing or if you are pre-T, figuring out your range and type will be quite easy but if your voice is still changing, don't worry about it, you'll just have to check what it's up to from time to time until it'll be done and it'll settle on its final range and type (me and my deep ass voice had to go through almost the entire male range spectrum in like a year and a half so I'm speaking from experience here). An important thing to know is that pitch isn't everything as there are many other characteristics that together define and categorize a person's voice, and that voice range and voice type are two separate things as well; your vocal range doesn't define your voice type on its own because voice types are more about where you feel more comfortable singing rather than what notes you can hit (which is what defines the range of one's voice). To have an idea of what you'll probably sound like after your voice's done changing, you have to see what you sound like pre-T. The length of the vocal cords plays a huge role in this: the longer the vocal cords are, deeper the voice is; testosterone puberty results in elongated vocal cords, so if you've always had longer vocal cords like in my case, your voice will be on the lower end of the spectrum. As I just said, I had a pretty low voice pre-T, as I was a contralto as a preteen (I sang in a choir from age nine to twelve, started as a mezzo but then my voice started dropping around eleven years old), and therefore have a pretty low voice now, as I am a bass-baritone (a subtype of both the baritone and the bass types; the term refers to a lower baritone or a higher bass that can sing both and I am a lower baritone but usually sing bass because it's more physically comfortable for me), because I have long vocal cords and that's it; and while there aren't many studies about the exact role of genetics in the developing of the human voice, I sound eerily similar to my father so here's that.

Don't think that starting T sooner would have given you a deeper voice because I started it at twenty and while I acknowledge that's still fairly young, my first puberty was (sadly) already done and yet my voice is deeper than most cis men's (both statistically and anecdotally speaking). You can start whenever and it won't impact how your voice turns out. And if you're thinking about starting to smoke to make your voice lower: don't. I'm a former smoker myself and while I don't make a fuss about people smoking because I'm European, it's just counterproductive from a logical standpoint. Though one thing about singers is that, just like doctors, we smoke; when you meet a singer there's a high chance they're a smoker and if they aren't there's a high chance they used to be, no idea why. Anyway, don't smoke because it's not worth ruining your voice and lung capacity over and it's also not recommended at all while on testosterone (I smoked very little, like a few cigarettes every two weeks or sometimes even once a month, and my endocrinologist still told me to quit because my blood tests were a little messed up because of that). While it's best to go to a professional, there are YouTube videos that illustrate how to find your vocal range if you want to do that on your own or only plan to sing as a hobby, so I won't say anything about that. What I will say though, is that you should warm up first (always warm up first at least a little no matter what you do, especially if you plan to sing in the morning; even just talking out loud for a while can count as warming your voice up) and if you want to find out your range on your own please use the aforementioned YouTube videos, I've watched and even used a few back in the day and they'll tell you exactly how to do things right, don't just start belting out note after note until your voice is straining and uncomfortable because you'll get hurt (I want to make clear, as I've mentioned the possibility of getting hurt in the previous paragraphs, that getting hurt when it comes to singing ranges from having a bit of a sore throat for a while because you didn't drink water before performing to permanently ruining your voice and losing parts of your range because you tried metal screaming with no training so yeah, be careful).

Useful exercises:

In my experience the most useful exercises to do during a voice change are interval slides with the classic, iconic brrr (that I had to look up the name of because I swear no one, not even one singer, in human history has ever called it by its proper name: lip roll; I'm leaving the brrr thing instead of editing it out because it's funny) and some basic hear it and sing it. Also my teacher and I found out, during a phoniatrician check-up I did while my voice was still changing, that singing big jumps between notes helps a lot, even though I have no idea why. Basically, get a piano or keyboard (here's a link for a virtual piano if you need it), play random notes, and sing; it's important for you to switch between your modal (what I've been referring to as "regular" in this post) register and your falsetto register. I suck at explaining things, but this is what you have to do: play one note, sing it, then play the next, and so on. Additionally, I went through my text conversations with my teacher back when my voice was at the beginning of its journey and found the links to three videos we used a lot at the time, so here they are: this 10 minute vocal warm up, some beginner bass vocal warm ups, and some other bass-baritone vocal warm ups. If you go through these channels you'll find other exercises for other voice types and ranges as well. I recommend using jazz singer Judy Niemack's recordings (playlist linked in the above paragraph) because those are the one I used and still use. Your range and voice type don't really matter, you can either harmonize with her or sing in your comfortable range (in tune!) (or not in tune if you're doing this as a hobby I guess, I'm a singer not a cop) (but ear training is fundamental if you want to go professional, so: in tune!).

Alright I think I explained pretty much everything, but if you have questions don't hesitate to ask! I'll be more than happy to answer.

[wonderland-smile-stories]

~ Chapter 8. 03 ~

I apologize in advance for any spelling or grammar mistakes and how poorly written this fanfic is. English is not my first language and together with my dyslexia ass things can go wrong I'm sorry.

I hugged my knees closer to my chest trying to get more warmth. This place is getting colder by the day. Then again I'm here in a dress and shirt with holes in them.

It's really time to get new clothes. Every time I think about it something happens. I can ask someone for something when everything has calmed down a bit.

Just an hour ago Miss An had told everyone that she was infected. Nobody had noticed anything until she said something.

She locked herself in the backroom even though everyone said she didn't need to. I guess she felt bad that they had locked Hyun-su in it because she said sorry to him about everything.

I couldn't take seeing the pain in both their eyes so I came here. It was just some empty closet in a hallway away from everyone.

It was in the same place I last was before everything happened to Ji-su. But now I was in the closet. I don't know why, but I felt safe here.

Maybe it was because I used to hide in closets like this in the orphanage and was safe from everyone.

I wonder if everyone is dead there. I'm not sorry for Miss Ward, Drew, or those other teenagers. They deserved it after everything they had done, but those kids, Miles.

I hope they are okay.

Something inside of me is telling me that they are dead. Maybe that's better. They don't need to suffer in this then.

"There you are."

I looked up from my knees when I heard Hyun-su.

I hadn't closed the door so he could easily see me. He crouches down in front of me studying my face.

"Are you okay?"

Out of instinct, I wanted to say that everything was fine and that nothing was wrong, but for the first time I felt like I could just say no.

I shook my head.

"No," I croak out before wiping my nose.

"I haven't been okay in a while. In fact, I haven't been okay my whole life." I didn't want to dump this on him, but it felt right to say this to him.

Without saying anything Hyun-su climbed inside the closet with me before closing the door. It was dark inside, but he turned on his phone giving us some more light.

"I'm sorry you're feeling like this." I nodded before leaning my head against the wall.

"I don't want to burden you with this. I know you had a rough past as well." I mutter out looking at the closet door in front of me.

"Me standing on that edge really gave it away huh?" I let out a little laugh before looking back at him.

"Yeah, but that wasn't the only reason I knew." A confused look came to his face.

Without saying something I grabbed his arm before pulling up his sleeve revealing the red raised skin on it.

"This was also one of the reasons. Someone who did this must have been in great pain to do it." My fingers trace the red lines softly barely touching them.

I was afraid I would hurt him, but I know that they don't hurt anymore only the memory hurts of the event.

"I guess that's something else that we have in common." I feel Hyun-su look up at me from his arm.

Letting go of his I pulled back my sleeve revealing my bare arm. I held it against his and heard him suck in his breath.

Some lines were faithed others were smaller. But the big one across my wrist was the one that stood out the most.

I can't take all the credit for the scars on my arm. Miss Ward and the others were Co-creators of them. Not only cuts but burn marks from mostly cigarettes were also still visible.

"The doctors told me that if I would have cut straight across my arm like you I would be dead in a minute with the dept I had, but I guess I didn't think about that." With shaky hands, Hyun-su grabbed my arm.

It was weird seeing him like this. It looked like it was the first time he had seen a cut on an arm. Yes, maybe there were more on mine, but his was worse.

"I.....I thought you said you took pills too..." He looked up from my arm and I could see pain in his eyes.

Not from himself, but for me.

It seemed like he was in pain to see me like this.

"You aren't the only one who tried to kill yourself twice." I gave him a small smile before wiping away a tear running down my cheek.

"These are only the bad ones the others have already been fading over the years," I explain tracing a light pink scar.

"Others?" I hear him croak out.

If he only knew.

Maybe he should.

Although the closet wasn't big it had enough room to stand in and move around, so standing up I began to pull at my clothes. My dress was already ripped from all the monsters, together with the long-sleeved shirt I was wearing.

"I grew up in an orphanage that is run by an awful woman who found pleasure in hurting the kids for nothing," I explain while ripping the fabric apart.

"She could turn everything into a torture weapon if she wanted to and nobody was safe from her if the torture didn't satisfy her she would lock you up in a hole for as long as she wanted." I really wanted these clothes off. It felt like they were burning my skin.

"I tried to fight her back a lot of times, but that just gave me more scars. Those innocent kids didn't deserve that. They already lost a family and now they had to live a life there in pain and misery. I try to help as many as I could, but I can only fight back so much." I could feel more tears run down my cheek.

"Not only was it that woman, but some awful kids as well who love to torture. There was this one guy that just loved to take advantage of me trying to protect the other kids. He knew I would do anything to keep them safe. He played it to his advantage. He would do things to me that I feel so ashamed of." I felt Hyun-su stand up, but of what I just said I was too ashamed to look at him.

I hoped he didn't think of me differently, but I couldn't just not tell him that part. It belongs to the story, my story.

"If I could go back I would fight back harder, but who knows what would have happened."

By now the dress and shirt were in pieces on the floor. If it was someone else I would be ashamed and won't do this at all, but with Hyun-su I felt safe to show him not only my body but the scars as well.

I wasn't completely naked. I was wearing a bra together with underwear and black bike shorts. The whole time Hyun-su looked at me without saying a thing.

Maybe he's afraid and thinks that I have finally snapped. With the light on Hyun-su's phone, you could faintly see the scars on my arms and stomach, but I wanted him to see everything.

I turned around and clicked on the light switch that was in the closet. I knew that my back was the worst of it all. I can't count how many times I have been forced on my stomach while they went ham on my back with belts, sticks, hot iron, cigarettes, and anything else they could think of.

They were smart they knew my back was less likely to be seen by other people and even then nobody would care enough for it to report anything.

I suck in some air when I felt Hyun-su's fingers softly tracing the scars. It was so light and gentle that it honestly felt like feathers of a wing were brushing over the raised red skin. The feeling was strange and felt foreign to me.

After a few seconds, I felt some more movement behind me before something soft was placed on my shoulders. I looked down and saw Hyun-su's sweater.

"I'm sorry you had to go through that. You didn't deserve to be treated that way."

I slowly turn around to look at him. There were so many emotions in his eyes.

"Those kids were so lucky they had you. No matter what you protected them without hesitation. They weren't even your family and you stood by them no matter what." I could hear the pain in his voice when he said that last sentence.

"I wish I had someone like that." A tear ran down his cheek. My hand went up wiping it away before caressing his cheek with my thumb.

"You have now," I whisper giving him a small smile.

Without saying anything he pulled me to his body wrapping his arms tightly around me.

That's how we stayed for a while. In that closet, that was in a rundown building where the outside was a mess filled with monsters and madness, but here and now it was just us two in each other's embrace far from it all.

Previous Chapter ~ Next Chapter

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I love soft moments like this ^^, but this isn’t a soft fanfic, and things are going to hit the fan real quick in the next few chapters.

[greenplumbboblover]

Happy almost new year!

Yesterday I posted that whole "Top 10 Tumblr posts" but while that was fun to see, I figured I'd go through things I felt was a great accomplishment of this year for me. And some new years resolutions ;)

Accomplishments of 2023:

I made a website!

I know it's tiny and that it's not really great (yet) for getting tons of views, but I do want to thank everyone (I actually typed out all the names but tumblr was being stupid and I couldn't post the post then :/) for either giving it a try or using it. Without you, it would've just been a floating idea with no purpose. :) Thank you so much for believing in it!

I created a new sims story!

Gone a bit back to my original Simblr roots and made a story! Chapter 1 had been in my screenshots folder for over 2 years now, but I was just self-conscious about sharing it. I'm glad I actually got to terms that the only way to know if people will like it, is by sharing it. :)

Came back to Tumblr fully again.

Over those 2 years I hadn't really been on Tumblr much. I'd post my mod posts and that was it. Truth be told, I didn't really have much motivation to do TS3 stuff anymore at that time. But I think in the end I forgot how fun it can be :) I know I suck at interacting with people, though my anxiety often gets the best of me, and I'm genuinely sorry about that! I'm hoping to change that next year with some help.

New Year's resolutions:

I know most people probably didn't get through the whole thing because I type a lot, but if you do, hey there :)

Making Simblr.cc feel more personalized

I feel like currently it feels very download-oriented, which I'd like to keep! But that vibe also seems to be around with the more picture - oriented things. So I just want to make part of that feel more Tumblr-ish where it's just your personalized space. :)

Starting to sell stickers (and such)!

I know, kind of clique thing that everyone seems to be doing now and then, but I have seriously been loving to draw a lot. Though, my creative outlet only seems motivated when I do something for someone/something. So I was hoping to not just sell stickers for SImblr.cc as a donation thing, but also to make some of my own. :)

Finishing LISISV

I never intended to make LISISV like those shows that have been around for 20 years and going on. :p I know most of you do, which I love! But I'm not sure if I will be able to, lol.

I was hoping to rewrite the entirety of "Elly" which I did YEARS ago as a wee 14 year old (till I think, like 16?) but that's all basically teenage cringe IMO :p The concept and the characters however I always adored. So who knows!

Figuring out what to do with Interests & Hobbies

I keep promising that I'll finish it "after this mod" and I honestly do open it up, work on it for a little bit but then I start working on a feature and it... just doesn't work with the mod? However, the more I do that, the more 'bland' the mod becomes. So I don't know what do with it anymore 😅 Anyone who knows please help!

Unless you are all okay with remnants of it, which I'm doing currently :)

Making this space mod I have been wanting to do for a while

Not many people know this about me but i'm a huge sci-fi nerd :p And I wondered how hard it would be to make this “colonizing the a planet” space mod in TS3. Though I know that most people probably wouldn't care about that, since TS3 is more about generational things and... not so much about those things. So, who knows.

I guess I just need to sit down with myself and get my shit together, honestly.

Attempting to actually talk to others.

I don't know how people do it... I honestly want to keep tap of everyone I follow but I get so exhausted, if not, my anxiety starts kicking in because "what if I say the wrong things?" It's not just a tumblr thing though, i've been like that since forever, and maybe should just reach out for help for it. I just don't know.

I just feel as of late that people put great effort into commenting on my things and I'm barely there for them. Yet, just know that I am there, that I do think of you, i'm just deleting my sentences over and over again and just giving up. I'm genuinely sorry about that.

Hopefully your year will be nice and may your wishes come true :

[livixbobbiex]

More on ADHD and acceptance in Percy Jackson

TLDR: Percy Jackson was a formative ADHD representation experience for me, even though I didn't know at the time, and I hope it can be that for others too. Mostly a slightly tmi personal tale, but this has a point I promise.

I was a teenager during that specific sweet spot where internet culture had taken off, but Tiktok wasn't a thing yet. Social media was less algorithm based. This meant that my exposure to ADHD as a concept was somewhat less than what you see nowadays.

Percy Jackson was pretty much the first (and only) exposure I had to ADHD. And because I was around 13 when I first picked it up, I hadn't figured myself out yet, so I didn't have that instant relational experience. What I did relate to, though, was the emotional weight. Percy's narrative voice sucked me in, because even if I didn't understand 'ADHD' fully, I fundamentally got the otherness. The weird sense of just being different from other people. I used to daydream about being whisked away too, that I would get some explanation for why I was Other. So when I read the PJO books, it was a case of deeply understanding that narrative, but not fully knowing why.

I was able to fully pin down that I was probably an ADHDer by 16 or so (more after things like internet quizzes and specific research). And I was only able to actively start the diagnosis process when I was 18.

So when I read the Percy Jackson (and Heroes of Olympus by this point) books again with that context, it was a different experience. It didn't teach me that I was ADHD (I will say, the books don't really focus on that and consistently tie behaviours back to it explicitly). But they don't portray ADHD as a negative thing and that's very important. There is legitimate room for criticism of the 'ADHD superpower narrative' in the early books especially, don't get me wrong, but for my young self this was legitimately so helpful.

What it meant was that for me, my first true experience with ADHD was a sensation of okayness and acceptance. As Percy was told, there's nothing wrong with him, he was just built different, brain tuned to be better at different things. Yeah, the 'mortal' world is difficult to cope with, but that doesn't mean that Percy was somehow wrong or broken. Just... different. Which I suppose is the reason Rick started telling those stories in the first place, too.

That message is what stuck with me super hard, when I could directly apply it to myself. It's a fundamental part of why I have never been afraid of my diagnosis, and why I'm comfortable being super open about it both online and in my day to day life. I genuinely do not think I would be in nearly as good a position in life as I am today, had I not read those books.

So yeah. I'm stoked that the series is back in huge relevance. I absolutely love the way that ADHD has been portrayed so far in the show. In general I think access to information about ADHD nowadays is a net positive, though I do share concerns that there's a tendency to over medicalise/hyperfixate on the condition part of it. So, it does make me happy to get the kind of representation that's far more in the 'you're not broken by being different' lane, because that's something we could frankly all use more of.