#don't believe a lot of the stupid negativity surrounding them

[copperbadge]

lightwit

I love your mindfulness posts. I personally hate the concept of mindfulness with a passion because to me that's just normal being human and using your effing brain properly, but as an educator I have had to accept the fact that manymany people do not in fact have much self awareness and actually do benefit from this mumbojumbo. So, I am so glad I am not the only one struggling out here. 😜

I hope it's okay if I pop this into its own post because it actually gets at something I'm contending with. So, in order to get my research lined up and my thoughts in a row for therapy I turned all this research into a powerpoint called "Doing A Stupid Powerpoint For My Stupid Mental Health". And one of the slides in it is titled "Mindfulness: Petition To Rename It".

Mindfulness, as a term, is uselessly broad; it's such a bad way to identify a category of treatment/behavior that there appears to be an entire subgenre of scientific papers that work to create a framework of what Mindfulness actually is -- I read at least three papers, all published in the last ten years, that are like "What is Mindfulness in a useful sense?" and all of them had different answers. And because Mindfulness is now a buzzword, if you're researching it then you're likely to run into everything from scholarly articles to pop journalism to clickbait, to both harmless and genuinely dangerous peddlers of quack science. And sometimes the quack scientists are also publishing scholarly articles where they've just been p-hacking.

So I'm inclined to agree that mindfulness is mostly nonsense, but that's a problem with the term, not what falls underneath it. There are therapeutic modes that call themselves mindfulness that actually are rooted in real science. I think these should probably have a new name, like Therapeutic Awareness or something, but it'd just get co-opted back into the woo, I have a feeling.

So there's a lot of nonsense, but the goal of being present in the moment and self-aware isn't an idle one; there's an increasing body of knowledge suggesting that it's a foundational skill for emotional regulation and healthy coping. The scholarship goes way beyond "mindfulness arises from Buddhist practice" which if I have to read one more time I'm gonna throw stuff. Clinical testing is looking at things like physiological responses to mindfulness behaviors that have nothing to do with what's going on in your conscious mind. There's some woo surrounding "Coherent Breathing" and I don't trust the foremost proponent of it as far as I can throw him, but he didn't invent it, and testing shows that people trained in and practicing Coherent Breathing have better focus and can, to an extent, lower the level of stress hormone in their body. "Positive affect" (happy emotions) didn't rise, but "Negative affect" (sadness, anger, stress etc) was lowered.

A lot of what's being studied on a clinical level involves us as humans somehow activating shit in our nervous system that we have no conscious control over, the same way we develop muscle memory by doing a task repeatedly. That has measurable value for the issues I'm trying to solve, but it's not universally applicable, which is another reason so much of mindfulness comes across as junk science, because it tries to tell us that it's a cure-all when it isn't.

But there's reason to believe that if you can reroute your nervous system when you're starting to become upset, you can short-circuit maladaptive reactions and prevent it from causing a spiral or an over-reaction or similar, and some practices called mindfulness can train for that. And that's my goal, so I'm willing to rummage in the garbage for the gold.

[littlealeta]

A Vincent Brooks Positivity Post

Since there is a lot of negativity surrounding Vincent, I decided to reframe that into a more positive analysis of the character.

Now, before we begin. I would like to admit that I am aware Vincent is not a perfect person. There isn't any way I'm trying to make him seem like a saint or disregard the stuff that he's done. And I also do not think he and Katherine should be together. I believe that their relationship has contributed a large part to the toxicity on both of their parts and they deserve to live a life where they both can be happy and healthy. However, I think the comments about him being a "bad person who doesn't deserve anyone" or "the spawn of satan" are overly harsh. He isn't in any way even close to those traits, especially when you compare him to the real demons of the game which are Catherine and Boss.

Not communicating and being codependent on his relationships were not the right way to handle those situations. However, I don't think it's inherently and completely the fault of Vincent, but rather the environment that he has grown up in and is experiencing. He came from a broken family. He's been judged his whole life for being different. His girlfriend and friends are pressuring him into being normal. And his friends aren't even really teaching him the tools and coping strategies to deal with the situation he is in and to be a human. He doesn't know how to "say he has a girlfriend" or to say he cheated because those are tough decisions to make. I think it takes a brave and smart person to come clean about any mistake, especially cheating. And he doesn't tell Catherine he has a girlfriend probably because Catherine often overpowers him. She apparently groomed him into sleeping with her and threatened him if he tried to leave. He also lives in a town full of men who don't know how to respect their girlfriends so there's a bit of influence from that, too. That's what makes him a sympathetic character because if you analyze the character beyond the surface level, you would understand why he became the way he is.

Now, for what it's worth, Vincent is relatively a strong, brave, noble and amazing man. I think a lot of people in his situation would've done a lot worse. E.g., Steve, Archie, Todd, Orlando all went through abuse and betrayal and became so embittered that they ended up angry at the entire world. A lot of people would not have owned up to their behaviors. By the end of the game, Vincent opens up about his affair to both the girls and how he was feeling, letting out both his vulnerabilities to them (despite how dangerous Catherine is and despite the possibility he might lose his relationship with Katherine). The fact that he has gone through so much judgment, abuse, and torture yet still cares genuinely about people (even the ones who have hurt him) is incredible. He became the first person in his male group to be able to openly accept LGBT in Full Body (right in front of his transphobic friends). He often openly expresses his vulnerabilities much to his friends' dismay (who both feel like they must suppress their vulnerabilities and to be a man). He's the only one in his group to not judge Toby's relationship with Erica. Vincent hardly ever lashes out or brags, in fact, he humbles himself too much, which allows people to walk over him. He is a decent citizen, usually following the rules and laws, but also, in a sensible way, tries to escape the box his self-righteous society is trying to put him in. He's not totally stupid, he offers some wisdom Rin and his sheep associates about how to survive and can pick up on subtle hints like his friends being depressed or the boss being the culprit. And last but not least, whether or not you see him as a cheater, IT WAS NEVER DONE SERIOUSLY.

The game shows that relationship troubles don't always have to be the end of the world. Both Katherine and Rin, after they were hurt by Vincent, CAN forgive him if he chooses them. His friends, as harsh as they have been, never threw Vincent under the bus. And Vincent learns to accept his past mistakes and move on.

The game would not have been as special if Vincent was the kind of character people wanted: Confident, Fearless, Normal, Charismatic, Cool, and a Genius. Plus, he CAN become confident. He CAN become brave. He CAN become more outgoing. He CAN become stronger. And he CAN become smarter. We don't get arcs like this in characters much, and I find that sad.

Vincent's character teaches us that it's okay to feel insecure and vulnerable. It's okay to feel like something is missing from your life. It's okay to not have all the answers. It's okay to make mistakes as long as you own up to them and become a better person. Accept your flaws, take responsibility, and learn to love yourself. You will become a stronger and better person in the long run. This is what the theme of Vincent's arc is. Sometimes we're all cowards, and stupid, and confused, and not always mature.

[monkey-network]

Good Stuff: The Super Mario Bros Movie

A fan shouldn't always sugarcoat it. Even if you get something you never figured you'd ever want but appreciate a lot, that doesn't mean a bias should bury any deeper feelings. What I'm getting at is Illumination's Super Mario Bros Movie can be so awesome and it was worth going to the theaters to see personally, but I can't get over the crippling flaw it has to say it was as great as I could say now. Better to be honest now than get increasingly unfulfilled later. First, though, I gotta give the props where they are due.

First, Bowser was The Best in this and I want him

For real, the animation was what I waiting for this whole time, no problems here. The film is fun. If it wasn't fun, that means Disney would've made it and it'd never come out anyways because of "creative differences". Illumination I found can make animations that are really bouncy fun, and it's best shown here. Plus the characters look incredible, DK especially, and there are moments where, in the best way, it felt like a cutscene from a video game I would want to play. Not to snipe at the Sonic movies, but this is seriously what I've wanted from video game movies since... Angry Birds 2? Like enough with the hybrid live-action crap, make a cartoon if the sourced game is about a CARTOON universe. "You mean like Ratchet & Cla-"

We do not... talk about that one.

This leads to something tricky I had in mind to discuss, and that's "faithfulness". Not long ago I watched the 1993 Mario Bros movie, a fiasco that one can argue was unfaithful to most of the source materials even with the few things they got right. Did we get something more suitable here? Well, I definitely wasn't annoyed with the fucking stupid discourse surrounding Peach's characterization and Mario's voice that's for sure. Many will cite this as having a great fuckton of references but I enjoyed the liberties they took whether or not they were references. The fact it starts out in Brooklyn made me already smile but the final act had my booty jiggle with unhinged glee. There's some corniness to it, especially with the certain musical needle drops they do, but even then it felt like they reveled in the corniness of those moments. This made me believe Nintendo and Illumination were looking to just make it excitable and enjoyable regardless of what fits where. It pains me though, knowing that there is that crippling flaw I mentioned at the beginning because while this film was fun, it went by fast. Ludicrously so... disjointedly so.

It was the Apex Cinema Speedrun, if you will

Many negative reviews claim this has a very thin plot and I honestly didn't consider that a wholly bad thing. A thin plot doesn't mean it wasn't cohesive or focused, or that there weren't any arcs to be had. The real problem comes in that certain moments don't feel earned when we barely get any time to cherish them. The pacing of this was kinda atrocious, the tight runtime truly being a detriment behind ideas for characters getting brought up well only to have shallow payoffs. Peach and Luigi especially had something about them I wanted to see more of, but before you got to see the plant blossom, they keep chugging and you're like "Ah, that's it?" They didn't need to spell everything out but let the characters breathe.

Bowser and DK felt like the exception

If this was the only movie we ever got again (knocking on wood), the fun of it all would soon subside for increased disappointment in the long run. I could say "This needs more movie" as a compliment, but that would mean I was fine with what we got. The live-action film, batshit as it was, felt consistent with everything it wanted to show and tell whether or not you saw the director's cut. That's why it became a cult hit, you remember how batshit it was. I genuinely enjoyed the film, but even with its many stand-out moments, it's gonna be hard to remember this film as much as I want to.

Except for Lumalee, I don't ever wanna forget them

I won't tout this overall as mid or "playing it safe" because they did so much right with this. When I say they stuck the landing with the Mario brothers themselves, that genuinely got to me. When we got the adventure, I relished the adventure. Like for the love of god, give me more of all this PLEASE! However, I won't give it a pass and call it perfect just because it tickled the Nintendo fan in me. Illumination's great when it comes to being in the moment, that's why I stopped hating on them, but in terms of their films having staying power this being a Mario film is carrying it hard from being a potentially forgettable one. For me, this is the movie adaptation of the Super Mario Super Show I never knew I wanted but looked forward to and felt was worth it. At the same time, my mind is fighting my heart strong knowing this Mario movie could've definitely been stronger. My final say is that it's a 6/10 movie with 10/10 moments. If you're looking for fun, this delivers no doubt, and don't let this review stop you from calling it a personal masterpiece.

What matters is that Mario finally made the Range

[aotopmha]

what do you think about the "it's because i'm an idiot. an ordinary idiot who gained power." line the anime added to eren and armin's conversation? it's funny to me how some people interpret it as isayama degrading eren's character to "being an idiot" as if it was the only reasoning eren had for his genocide. media literacy is at an all time low.

AoT is probably the story I have seen have the most bad faith readings.

Yes, I'm pretty active talking about it and participating in the community surrounding it, but even then it feels like it's one of the most commonly misread stories in manga and anime.

And it's all because Isayama (most likely) said some dumb stuff back in 2010/2014.

Every time I see that stuff now I have that tweet in the back of my head. People bend over backwards to make the story fit that tweet.

When in reality if Isayama said it and meant it, he probably didn't make a connection between it and the story he was telling.

If you've ever written anything *you know* how easy some connections are to miss and not to think about.

This story has clumsy enough thematic stuff for me to believe that he said some stupid shit 10 years ago without understanding the issues with it and the connection it has to his story.

Tweets generally ain't some super deep thought out stuff, just spotaneous thoughts, positive, negative, anything inbetween.

But going back to the main bit of the ask, I actually don't also see Eren's sole motivation being "an idiot with too much power" as an issue, lol.

Because that describes a lot of powerful people.

It's not – he also did it to save his friends, to free everyone from the Titan curse and because he was messed up in the head by an ancient parasite and its time travelling powers.

(With maybe just a touch, a sprinkle of a destructive impulses and strong opinions about freedom in there garnishing it all, maybe. He still stabbed a guy at 6 without any hesitation.)

Also the world not fitting the mold he wanted it to fit into, an aspect of himself he was terrified of or the massive amount of guilt he had about killing all of the people he saw he was about to kill.

Or the entire dichotomy of young Eren's idealism and old Eren's horror at what he is going to do. Chapter 131 is some great stuff.

(Eren is a mess of motivations that's fantastic in my opinion.)

People tend to focus on a single aspect of a character or story or any aspect of a piece of media if they dislike it or if they want to put it in a box fitting to them.

But Eren also absolutely is an idiot. The fact that he's loser trash, but also complex is the good part to me.

So jokes on them? An idiot with too much power is great, actually.

Thank you for the ask!

[anime-addictt]

How to type yourself- MBTI version

This sounded so good when I was busy helping someone with their ask. I hope it is as useful as I think it is!

Here are some very basic questions that can get you started:

How do you think you perceive the world around you?

a. Do you directly take in what's there in your surrounding using your five senses, without thinking much about what it could be (Present-> Information)?

b. Do you relate the things in your immediate surrounding to the experiences you've previously encountered(Present -> Past relation -> Information)?

c. Do you find immediate connections in your external environment, by observing things around you? You are more interested in the possibility presented through the information, rather than the information itself. (Present Possibility -> Information)

d. Do you come up with your own predictions or interpretations of the environment you'll happen to be in, by unconsciously observing your immediate surroundings? (Present -> Future Possibility -> Information)



How do you come to conclusions about a situation?

a. With the help of an internal framework, or logic that a lot of people have trouble understanding. This might not necessarily match the societal way of thinking, can seem long-winded and useless, but it has been pretty accurate deducing the situation. (Information -> My logic -> Conclusion)

b. With the help of an external logical framework pre-existing in our environment. You extensively make use of the rules, and frameworks put forth by the society to get what you want, and come to conclusions. Your decisions may focus more on its application and immediate benefit, rather than the theory, or the logic behind it. (Information -> Pre-existing logic to get what I want -> Conclusion)

c. With the help of an internal moral system. What matters to you the most is how you feel about the situation. Does it make you happy? Do you feel guilty making a choice, even if everyone around you seems to be okay with it? Have people called you selfish, because you chose to prioritize your feelings over the groups, while making a decision? (Information -> My feelings on this -> Conclusion)

d. With the help of an external moral system. If a group feels something about it, you are more likely to agree to that feeling. Your feelings are based on how a large group of people feel about it. At the same time, you won't agree to a decision, if you realize that it would negatively affect a lot of people. (Information -> Externalizing my feelings to see what others feel -> Conclusion)



Which of the following do you agree with?

a. The rules, and regulations put up by the society. You don't understand why everything around you must be done cause of a certain logical framework. Sometimes you feel like these rules never take your feelings into consideration. It is hard for you to accept this logic, because of how black & white it could be. You tend to think this external framework inhibits people from doing what they want, and only prefers those that do more "meaningful" or more productive things.

b. Somehow, people always think you are rude. You try to help them by providing a logical analysis of what is wrong with a situation, but they don't want that. They seem to want you to agree with the entire group's opinion about a situation, which you think is stupid. People tend to exhaust you, because you struggle to understand the use of emotions to navigate society. You do wish your decisions are accepted by the society, despite the lack of emotions in it.

c. You have a hard time getting out of your mind. You fear that engaging with your immediate surrounding might introduce a lot more information, that might disrupt the perception you have about your environment. You don't understand people who can just indulge in the moment. Everything for you needs to be well thought out, since you believe that you can't act unless you have a clear view of a future in your head. You tend to speak and think more figuratively, making it difficult for others to understand you, leaving you behind in the process.

d. You struggle with repetition. You don't like it when people constrict you and force you to only think in a particular way. You don't understand why they choose to only stick to that one past experience, when you know for a fact that there are tons of different possibilities. You don't take time to reflect on your past experiences, which means you might end up making the same error more than once. You find it annoying when people choose not to do something, or explore an idea because of some weird past experience that they've had.

e. You don't like it when you are forced to think of other possibilities. Why should you, when you know for a fact that this has always worked? You are open to trying new things, only if you have had an experience with something similar before. Possibilities don't guarantee success, so you would rather pick something that you know would work, than engage in a possibility. People have called you rigid for that.

f. You don't understand planning. It's not that you can't plan, it's just that every information that one needs, is always in front of them. You don't like to contemplate or sit in your head that much, since you don't understand how that'd help you decide on what you want. Furthermore, a lot could change, so what is the point in coming up with a clear focus on the future, if nothing is constant?

g. You tend to have an inner turmoil at times. You know you always make decisions based on how productive or useful they are, but you just wish you did them based on how you feel. You really hope people wouldn't undermine you on making a decision based on your inner morals. You wish people understood that despite your productive, and more applicable decisions, you aren't a monster that doesn't have or value emotions.

h. Just because you agree on a common consensus, doesn't mean you are illogical or stupid. You think it's high time people noticed that the social connections, agreeing and accepting an external framework, all comes from an internal logic. Just because this internal logic doesn't seem "logical", it doesn't mean you don't think. Prioritizing a group's feeling, making sure that they agree with your decision, and sometimes agreeing based on what others think and feel is a logic of it's own. There is a reason why everyone feels the same way about a situation.

[thereallyreallylatebird]

I feel like a lot of people don't actually understand socialization. It is an actual thing studied in the field of sociology that happens to everyone throughout their lives (especially during childhood). It does affect the way you act as well as the way you view the world. And it is not limited to gender roles. Socialization is why we think of certain things as polite or impolite, why we hold certain mores and folkways (more and less serious/enforced social rules), why we do just about everything in a given way, actually.

BUT. Using socialization as an excuse to be a transphobic asshole is completely stupid.

Firstly, the field of sociology by in large recognizes queer identities and many talking points that come up surrounding intersectionality, queer (and other marginalized groups) rights, how the economy and political system affect people in different groups differently, etc., ARE SOCIOLOGICAL IN ORIGIN or are at least discussed and taken seriously in the field. (Disclaimer that there are different sociological perspectives and different sociologists have different opinions--this is just what I've seen.)

Trying to use a concept from sociology to be transphobic (or gender essentialist in any way) is similar to how people have been known to use "basic biology" to be transphobic when advanced biology both recognizes how complicated and not binary sex is, and recognizes that gender ≠ sex, so the whole thing argument is more intersexist than anything.

Secondly, socialization, as previously mentioned, does not happen during childhood and then stay constant the rest of your life. It is ALWAYS happening. Get a new job? Join a new community? Move? You're going to have to learn new cultural norms, new mores and folkways, new expectations. You're (to one degree or another) being resocialized. So just because someone might've been socialized one way as a child, doesn't mean that their socialization stays that way.

If someone discovers they're trans when they're twenty, they take on multiple new roles they then have to resocialize to. Their discovered gender, yes, but also the fact that they're trans. They have to learn how to navigate the world while taking on these new roles. Now, will this be the same socialization for their gender that a cis person gets? Of course not! Because a trans person will also face pressures and dangers a cis person will not. Also, since the queer community is fairly progressive, they'll be able to be more critical of negative aspects of socialization for their discovered gender, and be able to resist them a whole lot better than someone getting that socialization as a child.

Thirdly, even among cis people, gender socialization varies a LOT. It varies by culture, by family, by location, even by wealth. So it is very much not true that all cis women or all cis men are socialized in the same way in regards to their gender. And even among people who are socialized similarly, not all take that socialization the same.

Take me for instance, a cis woman. I (like most cis women in the US) was socialized to be very openly emotional. Did I become this? Nope. Due to other aspects of my socialization, some personal hardship, and my personality, I was extremely closed off emotionally for many years. This has actually made me very empathetic towards how men are often socialized in the US, to the point many of their stories ring true with my past self. This is not what you would expect just based on my gender, but it is what happened. Also, my queerness (especially my aromanticism) affected my socialization even before I knew of it.

Based on this knowledge, I find it easy to believe that of course socialization would affect trans people differently. How could it not? How socialization affects anyone depends on who they are, so a trans person (even one who didn't know they were trans) wouldn't be affected by it the same way a cis person would.

Fourthly, I feel this is obvious but it needs to be said, gender ≠ gender socialization. There aren't inherent traits that "belong" to one gender or another, just traits that we're *taught* do. Saying gender = gender socialization is just as stupid as saying gender = gender presentation (actually, they're kinda the same since gender presentation is a part of gender socialization). Gender is internal and personal--it is not dictated by how you were taught to act, or how you act in general.

Finally, men's and women's socialization isn't actually completely opposite. Like sure, women are generally socialized to be more emotionally open than men, but in practice, it's way more complicated than that. We're also socialized to be more "mature" from a young age, which necessitates having good control over our emotions.

Another example would be how women are generally be socialized to be more passive... unless a situation involves caretaking, in which case we're expected to be extremely active no matter if the party that needs care is a child, a sick person, or a grown man who refuses to learn how to do the dishes. And this isn't even considering how other factors like culture, wealth, etc. effect this! Or how many people buck this entirely!

In conclusion, the only people who seem to believe that socialization is a. Only done in childhood, b. The same for everyone of the same gender, or c. Impossible to unlearn are those who are using it in a way that would not actually be accepted by most sociologists (since none of those things are true)! And who do those people tend to be? At least from what I've seen, TERFs, transphobes, and sexists.

Don't use a term that you have no understanding of beyond the surface level to spread hate. Actually, just don't spread hate in general.

*Disclaimer that while I have taken sociology as a class, I am not a sociologist and may have made some errors.

gender essentialism is what happens when you hear about gender being a social construct and a performance, but don't actually want to stop viewing men and women as inherent opposites. so now instead of saying "women are x and men are y, because biology" you say "women are x and men are y.... because socialization!" & change literally. nothing. else. about how you talk about gender

[allblackeverything888]

i'm having issues with this idea of making friends with your demons &being able to alchemize your pain into something that produces growth. this is something i've been obsessed with but seems to elude me. i don't know if i still haven't really "witnessed" or "faced" my demons head on? i don't know. i think that i have, many times, but then the problems &issues with being stuck persist. and it seems i can't rise out of the old story, or seem to change my self or my life in any significant way. progress is being made, but it's slow, and feels forced and agonizing. i don't know what this means. i don't know how to dance with my demons or whatever the fuck. i don't know what that means. and i don't know how to alchemize my pain. i dunno. i feel like a teenager with all these feelings.

i have engaged different modalities, but perhaps none of them persistently or consistently enough. maybe i don't want it enough somehow. i just don't think i can face my life getting any worse than this if i somehow need to "learn this lesson" an even harder way. i feel pretty stupid and i don't know if it's because i've begun the LBRP again, but ever since i started it a week or so ago, then quit, then started it up again 2 nights ago, i've noticed that i've been shedding a lot of old energy that's been trapped in my body, very very frequently.

these somatic releases come in the form of mass yawning spells, where i can feel energetic currents running through the parts of my face and jaw that have been tight with stress. this often comes coupled with heavy feelings that are then released in this big yawns. this happened periodically before the LBRP, but it seems to be happening daily and with fuller force since i started the ritual.

i was reading about it last night to learn more and found that since it's a banishing ritual, it's essentially cleansing your aura of energies &spirits that don't serve the magickal process, which, since LBRP is rooted in the lower realms of earth, is essentially helping with manifestation. as i understand it thus far. i'm choosing to believe this and i can feel it working within me really powerfully even only having done it a few times now. i'm committing to doing it every night for the rest of this year. it's my first foray into moving beyond reading about magick into actually attempting to practice so that i can build my own working cosmology.

hm, even as i type this i found myself coming out of the negative thought spiral, and the energy surrounding that lifting. so maybe for me, right now, i really need to write when im spiraling. i feel thankful that i am able to find a balance of staring at a screen all day &spending time outside, &getting my 10k steps in. my body is very weak and stressed right now, so doing any intense sort of exercise beyond walking is a no go right now. but i like spending time in the sun at the park. i enjoy reading--i'm always reading several books at once, but right now i'm moving through The Crystal Cave by Mary Stewart, and PKD's Valis. both are highly stimulating &really on the same wavelength/in the same headspace i am in right now. i especially enjoy the heavy mixture of mental illness/depression and religious/spiritual fanatacism in Valis. i really just was not expecting to connect with that book as much as i did. it's my first time reading PKD and i can easily say it's one of the most fun (fiction) reading experiences i've had in a while.

anyway, i made this blog in order to, i guess, connect with my black moods. to give myself a space to type unhinged &unfiltered about whatever is on my mind, even if it's just a black mood gnawing on my skull. i have trouble with this. i have trouble accepting myself as i am, and all of my moods. i want to accept myself and love myself at my core. this is my goal and this is the goal of this blog space. to give myself a window of public, unconditional love (i'm a leo, i need to be seen, but my pluto square in the 8th house is quite controlling &obsessive about how we are seen...)

i'm glad for this space, i'm glad for my life and my self, depression &self-loathing included. i was walking &talking w myself yesterday, &thought that i would really appreciate if i had a record or document of my trajectory from this space of zero to the place i know i will eventually be. i wish to document my transformation into the person i've always wanted to be, &this is the space for that.

it starts with accepting who i am now.

[ghcstlyhearts]

CHARACTER BASICS

Full Name: Marcel Nkusi

Nickname: Mars

Age: 30

Gender: Genderflux

Pronouns: Any

Ethnicity: Rwandan

Nationality: Veritean

Education: Schooling on the island

Occupation: Guitarist for Arcane Resonance

Hometown: Ashbourne City

Current location: Ashbourne City

Species: Human

Written Aesthetics: laughing in the face of danger, iced coffee & calloused fingertips.

trigger warnings:

CHARACTER APPEARANCE 

Face Claim: Ncuti Gatwa

Height: 5ft10

Hair Colour: currently dyed blonde, and is frequently different colours

Eye Colour: Dark brown

Dominant Hand: Right

Distinguishing Features: his hair, his goatee, the coloured eyeliner he usually wears, fun earrings that vary from day to day

SUPERNATURAL EXTRAS 

Abilities: It’s not supernatural, but he’s talented at the guitar and a few other musical instruments, as well as songwriting.

Have you always been aware of your abilities?: "My ability to shred on the guitar? Oh yeah that’s all natural babes".

Favorite Magical Items: Given how they're constantly loosing their guitar pick, they brought an enchanted one, that always magically returns to his guitar case. It's a life saver.

What supernatural creature is your character most scared of?:  Mars isn't actually afraid of any, despite the fact they're human. They trust that most won't bend the rules, given how they'd end up on the prison isle. If they had to pick, however, it would probably be the wolves, given they could accidentally turn them if he forgets what night it is.

Who or what would they die for? His family, and his friends. What he believes in, and for their rights.

Does your character fight or flee? They'd stand their ground & throw out sass, but they wouldn't fight.

PERSONALITY

Positive Traits: enthusiastic, musical, creative

Negative Traits: reckless, stubborn

Neutral Traits: witty & sarcastic

Goals/desires: They don't really have a goal in mind, they're rather chilled out, just rolling with the punches and what life throws at them.

Fears: Dying, being turned against their will, loosing someone they care about.

Hobbies: studying astrology charts, taro cards, writing a guide on how to deal with supernaturals as a human, song writing, playing their guitar

Habits: singing along to music, scoffing, dying their hair after a break up

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT Q’S

QUESTION ONE: were you born on the island, if so, what kind of curiosities do you have about the world beyond? if you weren’t, what do you miss about the world outside veritas isles?  "Born and raised, I do often wonder what it would be like to be surrounded by more humans, however."

QUESTION TWO: what is your favorite part about the island?  "The rules that keep me from being vampire or wolf kibble."

QUESTION THREE: if your character is supernatural, do they fear humans? if human, do they fear the supernatural?  "Yes and no. The rules are there for a reason, and most people aren't stupid enough to break them. They can still be a little scary at times however."

QUESTION FOUR: share a fun headcanon or fact about your character! this doesn’t have to be long, just something to introduce us to your character!  When Marcel's father got remarried, they inherited a half sibling from their other father who was the same age. Despite looking nothing alike, the two like to claim they're twins, given the coincidence of their birthdays being a day apart. They also have a whole two day celebration for their birthday. Mars adores their sibling, and they are their favourite person on the island.

ADDITIONAL INFORMATION 

BIO | PLAYLIST | PINTEREST

WANTED CONNECTIONS

Exes - they date around a lot, and while they label themselves as queer and will date anyone, they tend to have a preference for men ! They're a disaster at romance, however, and have broken up with people because their star signs weren't compatible before.

Close friends outside of the band

Human pals !!

His step sibling - will throw out a wanted connection for this, but they'd be the same age, gender & species is totally utp !

someone ( preferably spn ! ) that they've majorly pissed off and continue to rile up but the other can't do anything about it.... ( yet :D )

[smileandasong]

Double Dare by waterparks

oh, is it talking about Double Dare hours? those are also very good hours <3 1. Hawaii (Stay Awake) (my favorite parx song of all time. the intro, the energy, the high notes!??! i NEVER get sick of it) 2. Dizzy 3. Gloom Boys (again, like sixteen candles, a lot of this is because of the mv! scott pilgrim parody and travis as the star? sign me the fuck uP!) 4. Royal 5. Made in America 6. Little Violence (so ANGRY god it’s goood?!?!) 7. Stupid for You 8. Plum Island 9. It Follows 10. 21 Questions 11. Take Her to the Moon 12. Powerless 13. I’ll Always Be Around and while you’re at it!! stream double dare <3 //send me an album and I’ll rank the songs from my favorite to my least favorite :)

[crossdressingdeath]

fair-strife This! I've always thought that alot of the people who fall for it are people who play non elves and have no knowledge outside of what the inquisition gives them. I never had that benefit because I'm an elfy elf that leans hard into being as dalish as possible in my first blind playthrough and she can be down right nasty about it.

I've actually seen people saying that people who don't like Sera should romance her and then they'll understand her and then they'll have to like her... with the ever so small caveat that they shouldn't romance her as Lavellan. Because, y'know, her constantly emotionally abusing her girlfriend, shitting on her culture and people and beliefs and telling her that she's stupid for wanting to keep them despite the Andrastian title that's been forced on her, culminating in her forcing her girlfriend to choose between her faith and her relationship, would give people the wrong impression. She's not really like that even though she did... uh, all that. It's really not her doing, just ignore how if Sera's treatment of Lavellan doesn't actually say anything important about her that's implying that it's Lavellan's fault that Sera's treating her like that because she's Dalish. What no I don't have any strong feelings about the constant victim-blaming from people who defend Sera's behaviour when romanced why do you ask.

Yeah, I think what people who don't play Lavellan miss is that if you are playing Lavellan Sera hates you. Instantly. People rightfully call out Solas's attitude towards the Dalish but the literal first words out of Sera's mouth in the whole game if you play Lavellan are her shitting on you for being an elf. Her race-specific dialogue in the base game is pretty much all negative. She's only nice to them in Trespasser. Part of the problem is the dialogue options surrounding Sera (no, Bioware, I don't want to call her stupid or crazy. She's not either of those things. I want to call her a cruel asshole who hurts the people around her for fun while calling herself the voice of the little people who she never seems to actually listen to and whose only interaction with her that we see in-game involves a bunch of them getting killed because she made zero effort to protect them from the repercussions of her actions, a series of events that she learns exactly nothing from), but that doesn't make her an innocent victim in-universe! It means you're responding to her shitty behaviour with your own, which sucks, but doesn't make her behaviour okay. Like... she's nicer to non-mage Trevelyan (you know, the noble, the only potential Quiz who belongs to the class she claims to hate) than she is to Lavellan. By a significant margin, from what I've seen. Playing Lavellan or a mage makes her whole shtick fall apart because like... she very openly doesn't care about the oppression they've faced. She doesn't like elves and mages are scary so they deserve what they get. Unlike the good human poor people, who deserve her help (but not the respect it'd take to actually ask what they want, of course). I think I've said before that Sera feels more like a noblewoman (because reminder that's how she was raised and her foster mother left everything to her and the government stole that inheritance from her because she was an elf which still doesn't make elves little people to her) cosplaying Robin Hood than an actual Robin Hood archetype, and I still believe that. Her treatment of Lavellan makes it clear she's in this because it amuses her, not because she really wants to help people in need; she can't even be nice to an elf who's her friend, but she claims she's trying to help the little people? Please. You can keep an approval guide up the whole game to make sure you never pick a single dialogue option or quest ending that she disapproves of outside of Dalish stuff and she will still treat you like garbage every time you mention your culture. That says a lot about her that I think people who don't play Lavellan miss.

Sera: The Empress is pretty. It'd be fun to drink and kill stuff with Gaspard. Briala is frigging funny. Elves-elves-elves, but it's really a pissing match with an old lover. Don't know the rest, but that explains a lot. [shrugs] They're all lying, but Celene's nice to look at. Good thing we're here to save her neck.

And here we see Sera's talk about helping the little people and sticking it to the nobles slam right into her anti-elf prejudice and say rather more about her than it was maybe intended to. Remember: Celene burned down the Halamshiral alienage and killed everyone inside. Gaspard is an expansionist who really wants to get back to that whole "forcing all of Thedas under Orlesian control by the sword" thing that was ever so good for Ferelden pre-DAO. But they're fine by Sera! It's Briala, who's fighting to help the elves of Orlais, who's the problem because *checks notes* she used to fuck Celene. Her desire to help the elves of Orlais? Meaningless. Who cares about all those lives ended by Celene to soothe her pride? Clearly it's just a pissing match between lovers and noble nonsense and Celene's got nice tits so what's an entire alienage's worth of dead elves between friends?

I genuinely don't know how people still fall for the Robin Hood schtick when Sera doesn't give a single solitary shit about helping one of the most oppressed groups of people in Thedas and wants to side with the woman who ordered the deaths of an entire alienage of them just because she's pretty. Best case scenario little miss "let's stick it to the nobles" didn't notice that Celene wiped out a whole alienage for the sake of her pride despite supposedly having a network that watches out for abusive nobles; worst case she straight up does not care about all those deaths because it was elves and elves "don't count".

[cladestine]

prompt: jennie x reader inspired on the song cruel summer by taylor swift.

genre: fluff, making out

note: if you have prompt in mind, let me know. link in my bio.

You cliff jumped once as a stupid bet with your college friends, and it unknowingly changed your life forever; the thrill that washed over your senses when the water hit your body was so intoxicating that you find yourself doing it every summer. 

It's 3 am and you're scrolling through your phone, checking some beaches with some cool spots to cliff dive on. You're so focused on your screen that you did not notice that the girl beside you steered awake and is looking at you begrudgingly.

"It can wait, Y/N. Shut the damn phone and hug me" her voice groggy and annoyed. You looked at her and your heart did a tiny little dance. You can't believe that there are people on earth who are still beautiful even when their hair looks like a bird's nest. Fortunately, your girlfriend is one of them. "How can she still manage to look like she came straight out of a magazine with hair like that—damn, talking about God's favorite" you thought to yourself. 

"I need to wake up at 6am, so if you want to spend the remaining hours scrolling through your phone, then don't expect kisses when I roll out of bed later," she demanded. You laugh at her antics and put your phone on the bedside table. "Just so I thought," she mumbled before settling her body against yours, eventually going back to sleep.

I'll confess, cliff diving is not the only thing that exhilarates me, it is not the only thing that gives me an electrifying feeling. You see, it just so happened that Jennie Kim, the infamous IT girl in Korea, Yes, the same Jennie Kim who is a member of Blackpink is my girlfriend, and that alone is a hundred times more adrenaline pumping than cliff diving.

"Fuck, Jennie," you grumbled. "Lunch is over. Get out first, then I'll follow 3 minutes after," you said, out of breath since Jennie was still trailing kisses on your neck. You stopped her, and it earned you a grunt of disapproval. "Already? See, that's why I'm saying that talking can be done at home. We have so little time for making out," Jennie grunted. "Well, we can do more than make out in your apartment, Jennie. "Stop being a baby," you teased her. She laughed at your joke, then proceeded to tuck her shirt and kiss you goodbye before leaving the storage room.

You are fixing your own shirt, getting ready to leave the storage room, just waiting for three minutes to pass so you can go back to a different version of your world. You still feel Jennie's lips on yours. It's been a couple of months since both of you started doing these little escapades, but it still feels new to you. In retrospect, you don't demand anything from Jennie since you understand her line of work; spotlights focused on her, surrounded by cameras, journalists, and vultures who create negative stories off of her.

"Y/N" Jennie turned back and looked at you. "I know that we are on this secret forbidden adventure. I know that we are acting so mischievously, like making out in storage rooms, closets, and empty practice rooms. God, I know that you know that I act selfish whenever some dancers get too close to you, so I leave some not-so-innocent touches on you to subtly claim you. I also know that the farthest thing that we have both gone to as a couple is the parking lot of my apartment. I know that you don't demand anything from me. You always understand me whenever I leave in the middle of our date because of my work." Her voice elicits sincerity that you unknowingly slip out a tear because you don't expect her to give a speech, let alone in a janitor's closet.

"I don't want to destroy this relationship. I love you, Y/N. We have something so special, monumental, and magical and I don't want to hide it anymore. If it's okay with you, let's start with the members. Dinner. Tomorrow?" She hopefully asked. She's anticipating your answer with a balled fist and concealed tears.

"I'd love that. I love you, Jennie." You sincerely said. Honestly, you're speechless. You can't think of anything at the moment since the only things that you're feeling are happiness and certainty. You were looking at Jennie. You didn't want her to take the silence as a negative sign of her confession, so you did what you do best—you kissed her.

You cliff jumped once as a stupid bet with your college friends, and you thought it changed your life forever, but you were wrong—it was when Jennie Kim confessed to you in a small, dusty, half-dimmed storage room. 

[creature-wizard]

Starseed Literature Review: Other Tongues - Other Flesh

Other Tongues - Other Flesh is an influential work in the starseed movement, setting up a lot of the lore commonly accepted today. It doesn't use the word "starseed" - here, they're called "Wanderers." But it's the exact same concept. Everything I can find says that this book was published in 1953; however, later parts of this book contain references to alleged alien sightings that took place in 1954. So I'm not sure yet whether this date is wrong, or if the book was updated, or if parts of it were published sequentially. I'm not going to detail everything written in it; that would make this already-long post even longer, so I'll try to keep it as brief as I possibly can.

The introduction to this book on Sacred Texts says, Even murkier is his association with the Nazi William Dudley Pelley, whom he worked for briefly in the early 1950s. That said, it is difficult to spot any explicit trace of extreme right-wing politics in this book. Personally, I don't think it's difficult at all. I think it blares from the pages like klaxon alarms. Early in the book, Williamson infantilizes the human race by comparing them to "naughty children" who require a higher, wiser power to make them behave. He also thinks humans are too stupid to have made modern scientific advances on their own and credits extraterrestrial influence. (Not only does this betray fascist modes of thinking, but it also betrays a gross ignorance of modern history.) He shows massive intolerance of other cultures by finding fault in the existence of religious diversity, and effectively calls for theocracy by declaring that science cannot contradict what he declares to be Capital-T Truth. And speaking of science, his scientific comprehension is appalling. He claims that we could be surrounded by invisible beings made of anti-matter, supposedly because our eyes can only see beings made of matter. Never mind that matter and antimatter, y'know, completely annihilate each other if they ever come into contact. He believes that an anisotropic crystal can split light into "positive" and "negative" forces, and tells us that an alien entity informed him that our bodies' energy comes from crystals in the blood "diffusing, refracting and reflecting the positive and negative light lines of force." He claims that "opposing polarized conditions" create blood flow, which causes the heart to beat. He doesn't believe that the sun is hot; in fact, he believes that it's a cool body, and that there are planets beneath its photosphere. He believes that all of the planets have the same climate as Earth.

The dude is also really, really obsessed with the swastika. He claims it's supposedly "the true clock of the universe," a "true universal symbol," and also a symbol of the Wanderers. Look folks, nobody with any investment in rehabilitating the swastika to a Western audience is up to any good. It doesn't matter what their reasoning is; fixating on a symbol that had zero relevance to Western culture until the Nazi party used it is a red flag. He believes that the asteroid belt was once a planet known as Lucifer or Maldek, and claims that it was destroyed by hydrogen bombs. Apparently, the Interplanetary Confederation is afraid that Earth might suffer the same fate. Which, like... yeah, it's true that hydrogen bombs would definitely be bad news for us people and most life on Earth, but the idea that they could shatter the planet is absolutely absurd. If we assume that the aliens are a figment of Williamson's ego, it's quite obviously a product of Cold War era anxiety coupled with scientific illiteracy. If we assume that the alien entity is real, then it's fear-mongering on the alien's part. Despite this, Williamson later on cheerfully reports that all spacecraft "operate in a Resonating Electro-Magnetic Field" that can also be used as "a deadly death ray." He believes that Atlantean and Egyptian kings carried around "Vril Sticks" which could be used as death rays against people. Massive amounts of destructive power are just fine so long as it's wielded by his guys, apparently. Williamson also believes that chimerical creatures such as griffins and sphinxes once existed, but were destroyed in the Great Flood. Why? Because he believed that hybrid creatures were spiritually inferior, if not aspiritual. He claims that after the Great Flood, God made such hybridization impossible. While this might not be the frothing-in-the-mouth condemnation of "race-mixing" one would expect from a Nazi, any amount of demonizing or moralizing the body is always cause for concern. Nothing good can ever come of trying to arbitrate what kind of body does and does not count as a person, let alone a person with a soul. This perception of chimerical creatures also displays gross cultural ignorance, because the notion that divinity was not to be found in the animal soul, or that hybrid creatures could not be wise and holy, is contradicted in many cultures. (Ganesha comes readily to mind.) The author claims that ancient gods were really aliens, and even claims that John the Baptist was a Wanderer. He claims that Wanderers often display symptoms of what most of us would recognize as anxiety, and claims that this is because they're incompatible with Earth's vibratory rate. This sets the stage for later beliefs that people with autism and ADHD are all actually starseeds. He also claims Wanderers often found in jobs relating to communication, transportation, and science. He claims that they've "infiltrated" radio and writing, and he attributes the rising popularity of science fiction to Wanderer writers. Williamson claims that climate change is part of the transition into the New Age, a belief that still persists today. He raises the specter of government mind control by suggesting that food additives could affect people's emotions. He references a prior channeling session in which an alleged alien entity said "There are now many young people in your world who understand our message. They will accept it quickly for they are of the New Age. The Great Awakening is here." The use of the term "Great Awakening" further speaks to just how long New Age and far right ideas have been linked.

Williamson says that Earth is being infiltrated by negative entities from Orion. He claims that "These people are sometimes small in stature with strange, oriental type eyes. Their faces are thin and they possess weak bodies," and refers to them as the "Universal parasites." He links them with "serpent people" of "ancient legends." Williamson does condemn the atrocities of WWII and the various abuses inflicted on people deemed "primitive," but this is an incredibly easy sentiment for almost anyone to drum up in the abstract, and doesn't say much about someone's moral character in the face of genuine adversity. The fact remains that even Nazis aren't a monolith, and some of them idealize the notion of a world filled with all kinds of people - just, with all of them in their "proper place" and not "forcing" their cultures on each other. Milquetoast "violence bad" statements just don't say much about a person's character. Furthermore, Williamson says later on, Within a few years the whole world will learn that a false economic system, invented and fostered by a few greed crazed lusters after gold has caused every war on the face of the globe. He also says, "What people on Earth will survive to inherit the New Age? The world population will be reduced greatly. Where there are now thousands there will be tens." Mass depopulation is fine by him because supposedly, the souls of deceased will have new incarnations. Sorry George, but a violent ideology prettied up with glitter and rainbows is still a violent ideology. If the atrocities of war bother you, then so should this death toll you're projecting. The book also includes a number of anecdotal reports of UFO sightings and other strange incidents, which honestly I skimmed over because there's no way to verify any of them. (Let's be real, anyone can claim to have had an extraterrestrial encounter for shits and giggles.) Williamson constantly claims that "the ancients" or "ancient texts" said this or that, but rarely gives citations. In one case where he actually does, he cites A Series of Lessons in Gnani Yoga, which was actually written by William Walker Aktinson and published in 1907 - hardly an ancient text!

All in all, this book just goes to show that the New Age and starseed movements have been full of peudoscience, pseudohistory, and hatred the whole time. If one believes that these alien beings are real, one must wonder why they keep reaching out to such awful people and why they keep encouraging harmful, hateful beliefs.

[stopitjon]

The second-weirdest thing about all the drama surrounding The Article (the first being Sean Howard's initial tweet reactions, obviously) is how people outside the fandom proper seem to truly believe that RQ had maintained a spotless reputation up to now and that the fandom is unwilling to accept that it's not perfectly unproblematic. Lol. Lmfao, even. You'd think the fact that posts criticizing The Article uniformly state "I'm completely sure there is some bullshit happening, just not as reported here" would be a clue, but WHOOOSH.

I mean...does anyone hate RQ more than RQ's fan base? A single one of their employees sneezes at an inopportune time and this fandom will go apeshit. This is the fandom that uncritically swallowed a callout post about RQ in which several Problematic Events being called out were perpetrated *by the writers of the callout post,* who didn't even bother to conceal the evidence. This is the fandom where fans decided that a (horror!) podcast should be their safe space and then harassed the shit out of the writer, company, and anyone in the general vicinity when said podcast dare portray things that upset them. MULTIPLE TIMES.

People haven't only ever been on RQ's case for stupid reasons, either. The company didn't really listen until the volunteer Discord mods walked out, but a lot of people were vocal about their disappointment with that whole situation beforehand (and afterward, of course). I actually don't think podcast transcripts would be such a prolific thing now if this hadn't been an issue people were raising about RQ podcasts for a long time. And there certainly have been some valid points made about racial stereotyping and representation along the way.

Anyway, it's really funny to see people act like we've all been frolicking about eating gumdrops up til someone on the outside dared say something negative about RQ. God I wish that were me.

[richardsondavis]

I just really hate the current discussion surrounding this fucking small part of the show!!!!

"They emasculated him."

They made him a soft boi so I'll give them that.

"Why do they hate us?"

What the ever flying fuck do you mean?

And I just checked Arkhaven which I didn't know they had a blog and they just always mention that since it's made by the same people that made She-Ra it's automatically bad. They dismiss this shit.

Then again I also dismiss the latest entries in the SCP Wiki and RWBY cause I've experienced first-hand the decline of those series. Although I'm still very, very uncomfortable with strong opinions.

Just goddamn. It's making me self-conscious about what I like. I am limited by my region. I can only access what I can in the seven seas so I won't be able to check out comicsgate or the like and I have seen a comicsgate work, Kamen America and it is dull and I'd probably labeled as a grifter and a woke person and an NPC and all that vile crap for expressing my opinion?

That when I watched my Adventures with Superman, that it was the first time I've enjoyed myself and actually look forward to every week. Are they really going to make me so self-conscious that I must only cater to their fucking definitions OF WHAT IS GOOD!?!?!

Fuck the anti-woke. Fuck the fact that I believed in them. I want to be happy. I kust want to enjoy myself not get fucking mocked for watching a show or thinking something is alright!!!!

I hate it so much i hate it i hate it i hate it

I just want to be free to enjoy what I want

I don't want to keep thinking what would others think of me. What the anti-woke would think of me. Because they would like to kick me out if they ever realize that I don't think like them. That I enjoyed something made by a person whose only descriptor that they have is the maker of the new She-Ra. She's a producer in the new Superman show.

I just want to enjoy myself. I don't want to be stuck in an echo chamber but I also don't want this vile comments that are not directed at me per se but in general but still feels so personal. I just want to be rid of them. Rid of the mindset that I need to have a pre-approved opinion that the people like It'sAGundam, The Critical Drinker, Arkhaven Comics, Vox Day, Geeks+Gamers, BleedingFool, The Movie Cynic, r/KotakuInAction, some anons over at the /co/ board at 4chan, the haters in Instagram of the woke media, and many more.

I want to enjoy what I want and I want to discover that but it's hard to do so when you're faced with a lot of negativity.

That when you enjoy something the anti-woke hates, they'd call your tastes shallow and tell you to consume more smarter media.

I read AoT. It's not that great. Entertaining but not that great. I didn't take much away from that show. If I wanted to learn, I'll watch videos and read articles about that.

I hate how I've programmed myself to revere what the anti-woke says about something. It's a toxic trait. See what the people who'd probably hate my opinions think about so that I may conform to their ideas and mold myself, forcefully, if need be to their standards.

Tried it once. It made me realize that it was stupid. Stupid to conform to the anti-woke.

Get ideas from them, see if they have merit but have your own opinion and be strong enough to take that into account.

I just don't know what to do when someone says my taste is shit. I just want to enjoy myself. Fucking hell.

Why can't I enjoy myself without these fucks raining on my parade?

I am responsible for me.

I am me.

I'm not sure why the sailor moon transformation for Superman is controversial?

It's just dumb fun. I don't get it. I fear I won't get it. Unless someone explains to me who superman is and he is not a soft boi who gets transformations.

I mean in hindsight I'm starting to see why some people are being peeved by it but still. The reaction seems to much. Too very much.

[latte-fairytaekwoon]

Church (Choi San) Rated

Pairing: Choi San × Reader (Female)

Genre: Smut, Angst, Fluff, College AU, Friends to Enemies(?), Enemies to Lovers (?)

Summary: He used to be her best friend until he abandoned not only his childhood beliefs, but her in the process. One night, he decides to show her a glimpse of what she's been missing out on. Inspired by Chase Atlantic's Church .

Word Count: 6.3+K

Warnings: Mentions of religious beliefs, brazen college parties, allusions to alcohol/nicotine intake, body insecurity (reader has small breasts), oral (female receiving), fingering, nipple play, body worship/praise, slight cumplay, multiple orgasms, unprotected sex (always use protection), slight corruption kink, inexperienced reader, experienced San. (Probably forgot something)

Taglist: @little-precious-baby @yunhoiseyecandy @yunhofingers @galaxteez @brie02 @deja-vux @a-soft-hornytiny @multidreams-and-desires @couchpotatoaniki @daniblogs164 @yunsangoveryonder @minhyukmyluv @nanamarkie

╬╬═════════════╬╬

The infamous rebel let out a pernicious snicker when he saw the serene and usually proper former acquaintance walk in his direction.

"Are my eyes deceiving me or is that really the pastor's prissy little daughter out past her bedtime in a college party?" He found the situation much too amusing that he just had to point it out.

"I have a name you know." The female he was referring to halted in her steps to turn her head and give him an unkind and unfriendly look.

"You have several, actually. There's goody two shoes, priss, prude, prig-"

"Oh shut the fuck up Choi San." She scoffed as she began walking away from him, already feeling annoyed by his presence.

The man trailed after her, his face donning a shocked expression as he flailed his arms around in a dramatic way.

"Guys it's happening! The apocalypse is really here if L/N Y/N has not only attended a wild party full of debauchery, but her mouth has actually uttered out cursed words!" He shouted out, the other attendants either joining in laughing at her or ignoring him in favor of the bottles or sticks in their fingers.

"I'm surprised you even know what that word means." She turned to look at him with a mocking smile, arms crossed over her chest.

"Please, I know a lot more than you have ever pretended to know." He clicked his tongue, elbow coming up to rest on the wall next to him.

"Is that why you turnt corrupt and abandoned everything you believe in?" She couldn't help but spat back at him.

"Hey at least I was honest and didn't hide it like you people who lead double lives. Preaching one thing but living the total opposite. You're all nothing but a bunch of hypocrites." The venom in his voice was unmistakable, nose scrunching up in disgust as he remembered gross sins he had more often than not had witnessed from people who claimed to be pure and holy.

"I do not lead a double life." She remarked.

"Oh really? Then why the hell are you here in a college party? Full of alcohol, drugs and walking STDs? Riddle me that princess." His foot tapped against the floor, patiently awaiting an answer from her.

Y/N swallowed the non existent lump in her throat and turned her gaze to the floor in embarrassment.

"I just wanted to see what it was like. Just once." She admitted begrudgingly, the man in front of her chuckling lowly.

"Well you sure are going to have a lot to confess on Sunday to your dad. Silly girl, walking into the lion's pit like this." He jeered at her.

"Don't get ahead of yourself. Just because I came here doesn't mean I've done anything morally wrong." She counteracted his words to which he only snorted.

"Yet."

Tired of his overly obnoxious attitude, Y/N spun on her heel to get away from him, but she spun so carelessly and fast that she ended up bumping into another classmate who unfortunately was holding a full cup of beer that ended up being doused all over her white blouse.

"Oops! Sorry, my bad." He excused himself, looking completely unapologetic about the situation.

Meanwhile Y/N looked absolutely horrified as she took in the drenched state of her shirt that now had the stench of alcohol on it. The fact San was bursting out in giggles only served to make her even more mad.

"Now tell me how do you plan on explaining that to dear old-"

"Can it San or I swear I'll gauge your eyes out." She threatened him as she stormed out the building, not caring that she bumped into a few figures on her way out.

Feeling just a bit of empathy for his old friend, San sighed softly before following after her. Upon catching up to her, he took hold of her wrist and started dragging her in the opposite direction.

"Hey! Get your filthy hands off me! I will not hesitate to scream!" She tried tugging her arm away.

"Calm down I'm not planning on kidnapping or anything like that sweetheart. I'm taking you back to my car."

She let out a dry laugh at that.

"But that's not kidnapping?" She raised an eyebrow at him.

"I have a spare shirt in the backseat that you can change into. Unless you wanna go home smelling like PBR." He looked back to see the mess one more time, lips curling up into a smirk.

Against her better judgment, she allowed him to take her all the way where his car was parked, standing there quietly as San rummaged through the backseat before taking out a clean plain white tshirt and held it out to her.

"Here. Put it on."

She looked at him with a face that asked if he was stupid.

"Well what?" He asked.

"Oh yes..I'm totally going to strip in a middle of the street and let anyone passing by see." She rolled her eyes at him.

"Oh for fuck's sake, there's nobody here, nobody is going to see and frankly I don't think anyone cares about seeing your non existent boobs." He scorned at her as he gestured to her chest.

"Ok rude and uncalled for." She felt slightly hurt by his comment, having always been somewhat insecure about the size of her chest.

"Don't look." She warned him.

"Not like I want to." He jeered at her as he turned away to not only give her privacy, but to also serve as a lookout for anyone that might accidentally show up and see the scene. He could hear her behind him tearing off her clothes and then slipping it back on.

"Ok there. I'm done." Y/N announced as she stuffed the soiled shirt into her bag.

"Not even a thank you?" San pouted slightly, to which Y/N gave a feigned smile.

"Thanks."

With that said and done, she brushed past him and started walking away, absolutely done with the night.

"Careful not to get caught sneaking back inside your house." She heard San say from behind.

"For your information I'm not living with them anymore. I moved into the dorms 2 months ago." She stated in a matter of factly, a proud look on her face.

"Well in that case....want to ride back with me?" He offered.

"Yeah no, I'd rather take my chances at being kidnapped and then butchered up. Besides, I wouldn't want to cut your wild night short." She declined the offer.

"Stop being so negative Nancy and accept my generosity. Geez."

Running over to her, he quickly snatched her up and threw her over his shoulder, ignoring her shocked exclaims and protests.

"Now this is really kidnapping!" She declared.

"Yeah I know, now shut up before I duct tape that bratty mouth of yours." San grinned mischievously as he tossed her into the backseat and shut the door before striding over to get on the driver's seat.

"Oh come on. Stop looking at me like I'm a criminal. Just because I indulge in a few sins every now and then, doesn't make me into a bad person." He stated when he saw the dirty look she gave him.

"Whatever." She muttered as she locked in her seatbelt.

San opted for just driving back to the dorms and get Y/N tucked in her bed since it was clear to him she needed it.

╬╬═════════════╬╬

"You're lucky my roommate is on vacation, otherwise I would have left your ass back there." Y/N spewed out as she threw her keys onto her dresser.

"Thanks Y/N, I always said you were the nicest and most giving person in the planet." San complimented her as he felt he should given she was letting him stay the night in her dorm after a little tiny incident with his keys dropping inside one of the manholes surrounding the university. And the administration office wouldn't be open til the morning, meaning he was screwed unless his roommate showed up to let him in, but that was a definite no since San knew Seonghwa would definitely end up in someone else's bed and come back til the next day, hickeys plastered all over his neck and chest.

"No, you always said I was the most stuck up-"

San shushed her by pressing a hand over her mouth.

"You dwell so much on the present image of me you drew up in your head that you completely erased the friend you had all those years ago." He slid his hand off her mouth, shoulders slumping down as he turned away from her to crouch on the floor.

"That friend doesn't exist anymore, that is if he even existed in the first place. If I recall, my friend wasn't into parties, booze, vaping, tattoos, piercings and fucking around with every whore in the school."

San didn't say anything as he heard her ramble, he just let her talk away as she started pulling out spare blankets and pillows for him to use.

"My Sannie was sweet, cute, adorable, always ready to lend people help and respectful to others." She reminisced with a sad look. Pulling her expression straight, she laid out the blankets and started arranging them neatly on the floor.

"I still am."

San's voice was so quiet that she barely registered that he even opened his mouth in the first place, but she heard him.

"Maybe if you weren't so puffed up with pride and didn't cut me off after I cut ties with the church, you'd see that I'm still the way I was. You think I changed completely because of ink and metal on my body? Because I wanted to try certain substances and yes, satisfy some perfectly normal and humane needs?"

Y/N averted her gaze from him and continued the task she was in. San let out a despondent scoff.

"Of course you do. And yet didn't I just demonstrate to you back there that I haven't changed? Giving you my shirt, giving you a ride, yeah I know, it's not much and no big deal, but wasn't those the types of things I'd do even back then?"

Y/N's tongue poked against her cheek as she knew she couldn't deny that was San said was absolutely true. He did nothing different back at the party as he used to do years ago. Helping old ladies with grocery bags, giving away some of his clothes to less fortunate kids, he was always known as being such a giving and kind person.....

No wonder so many were devastated when it was announced he had resigned as a member of the church. Y/N herself was hurt and even indignated by his decision. And after that she adamantly refused to see him or talk to him, and of course San respected her decision and avoided contacting her so as to not make her uncomfortable. He understood that their friendship was broken and he wasn't going to overstep boundaries just to try and fix it when the other party didn't want it. So he just decided to live his life as he thought was right without his conscience bothering him. And he was much happier now, he felt free, something that he had never felt before. Perhaps he was so chained down by formality, discipline, strict regulations and even fear that he didn't realize that he was miserable all that time until his eyes were fully open and he found he didn't like what he saw, especially after seeing the dark and ugly side of what was supposed to be a safe and pure sanctuary. He was let down severely and he suffered in the process. But now that was behind him and he had no regrets......

Except Y/N. He truly missed her and her company. As he laid on the makeshift bed on the floor, he found himself unable to sleep as he recalled all those fond times spent with her. The trips to the lake, hiking, first day of school, their first accident after he had gotten his driver's license. He let out an involuntary smile at that memory. Unbeknownst to him, the girl on her bed was equally reminiscing on the old days filled with her best friend. She had been so alone ever since she distanced herself from him, the world now feeling empty and cold without him. Shifting around in her bed, she whined into her pillow as she desperate tried to sleep.

"What's the worst thing you've ever done?" Her question startled San momentarily.

"Are you that sleep deprived that you're suddenly asking me to confess my worst sins?" He chuckled amusedly.

"Maybe it'll help me get actual sleep, I don't know. And.... I'm just curious." She clutched one of her plushies and started messing around with it.

"Curiosity killed the cat and I don't think your virgin mind will be able to handle my confession." He asserted confidently.

"I'm not a virgin, but oh well. Just tell me, what's the worst?" Her casual response made San flip out. He sat upright and kneeled at the front of her bed with an incredulous look.

"What do you mean you're not a virgin? When did you-?" He was so flabbergasted he wouldn't even finish his sentence.

Rolling over to where he was, Y/N smirked at him.

"Uh uh. I asked you a question first and you have to answer it before I can answer any you want."

Knowing he had no alternative, San placed his chin on the top of her mattress.

"Had a threesome with 2 of our professors." He laughed when he saw how shocked Y/N looked.

"What?! No way!" She refused to believe him.

"It's true. I won't tell you who they were since you won't be able to look at them the same way if I did...... I'll just dish this: they both got really huge tits and it's a shame they're married." He admitted with a smug expression.

"I can't believe you." She fanned her face which she was sure was now a deep crimson color.

"Ok now your turn. When did this happen? Who was it with?"

Y/N didn't even mind that San got up and crawled into her bed to lay down next to her. His face was rested on his hands as he looked at her with intense inquisitiveness. Knowing she'd have to talk about it sooner or later, she thought it would be best if San was the one to know since he would never tell anyone else and he'd understand since he was tainted as well.

"Remember when that group of missionaries came to stay over at our city for a while back in high school?"

San nodded, vividly remembering everything. Y/N blushed and smiled shyly.

"Do you remember that there was a family with a son our age? Chase?"

San widened his eyes and flopped over on his back as his hands came to hide his face.

"Oh dear lord, please don't tell me it was that Canadian boy." He groaned in pain.

"Yeah....yeah it was."

San couldn't stop cringing at the thought of his friend doing such a thing.

"How even did that happen?" He was so lost.

"I don't know! It just did ok? It happened while we were out in that camping trip. Somewhere there, we were left alone and we started talking about everything and nothing til it spiraled into talking about sex and us being virgins decided to see what was the big deal....." She bit her lower lip as the memory flashed in her mind. Looking over at San, she knew he was judging her as she expected. A tiny snort escaped his lips.

"That must have been the worst 45 seconds of your life." He joked, earning him a slap on his chest by Y/N's hand.

"It was not 45 seconds!............. it was 2 minutes."

San only laughed harder at that, nearly crying from how funny it was to him. He composed himself though when he saw how embarrassed Y/N looked about it. Feeling bad for laughing at her expense, he cleared his throat and patted her head.

"It's ok. First times are always awkward and uncomfortable. The problem was you weren't prepared and you were both inexperienced. He just didn't know how to please you."

Y/N couldn't help herself as she asked:

"And I suppose you can?"

Flipping onto his stomach, San cupped her chin with his hand and ran his thumb across her lower lip.

"Don't tread on dangerous territory little angel lest you want an evil demon to corrupt you." He warned her, and although he wouldn't actually follow through on it, he did want to tease her a little. But he wasn't expecting for Y/N to play along to his teasing, only she was not joking at all as she brought her face closer to his.

"Maybe I want you to corrupt me, show me what I've been missing out on." She brushed her lips against his, tongue daring to poke out and press on his slit briefly, leaving him stunned.

"You have no idea what you're asking for princess." San mused as he held himself back from touching her.

"I know what I'm asking for Choi San and what I'm asking for....is you." She responded with confidence.

Escaping from underneath the blanket that covered her, Y/N reclined back on the mattress, her head laying on her soft pillow as she gestured for San to come over to her, which he promptly did. Parting her legs so he could fit his body between them, he smirked softly down at her eagerness, fingers brushing against the soft skin on her thighs.

"You're serious about this?" He wanted to make sure it wouldn't be something she'd regret.

"I already messed up once, what's one more time gonna do?" She pulled him down against her, not caring when he lost balance and accidentally crushed her under him with his muscular body.

"Besides...." Wanting to further entice him, Y/N brushed her lips against his ear.

"Look at me and tell me you don't want to fuck me. That you don't want to stuff that hard cock of yours into my tight and inexperienced pussy. Bet you're itching to tear into me until I'm crying under you. Don't you want that?"

San let out a moan at hearing such filthy and depraved talk from her. It only fueled his appetite and hunger for indulging in carnal desires.

"Yes... I want that.... I want you."

Closing space between them, San molded his lips over hers, encasing them in a sloppy and wet kiss. Y/N could faintly make out the leftover scent of alcohol and nicotine as she let him taste her mouth, but she didn't mind or felt grossed out by it. She just kept her lips parted and allowed him to move his tongue freely inside her. Cupping her cheeks, San continued to roll his tongue over hers, massaging it gently with both deep yet gentle strokes. When he pulled away, he made sure to tuck her bottom lip between his teeth, pulling it towards him as Y/N let out a moan that was like music to his ears. Pausing briefly, their lips were barely touching as they breathed in each other's air. San was the first one to break into a smile, the one that had Y/N melting since it displayed his dimples to the fullest.

"Never thought I'd hear that sound come out of your pretty mouth." He teased her.

"S-shut up." She frowned, hand reaching up to smack his chest.

"It's not a bad thing. I like it. Now let's see if I can make sure you keep them up."

Stuffing his face into her neck, San ghosted his lips across her skin, tongue subtly poking out solely to hear her breath hitch slightly. Dipping his tongue into her collarbone, his lips opened up so they could firmly latch and spread wet kisses across her neck. Y/N gasped when she felt teeth sink down, head tilting back to give San more room which he took advantage of. Focusing on particular spots that he knew she was sensitive in, he sucked her skin into his mouth. Each time he pulled away, he reveled when he saw the finished mark that was now painted on her skin.

"I would love to see your parent's reaction to my love bites." He brushed a fingers across the newest spot he just embedded in her body, hand then reaching up to suddenly clasp around her neck. Y/N shuddered when his grip got tighter, her oxygen intake getting cut and making her feel hazy, but it was nonetheless enjoyable. Snaking a hand under her shirt, or more like his shirt, San swiped his tongue over his bottom lip as he started to pull the material up.

"How about I make some matching ones all across your pretty chest?"

Before he could lift the shirt any further, Y/N's hand clasped around his wrist, preventing him from moving any further.

"Don't." She begged him.

San retracted his hands away from her, fearing he made her uncomfortable.

"I'm sorry." He immediately apologized and began to move away from her, but Y/N's hands raked against his thighs to keep him in place.

"No, it's not you. It's just..... if we're going to do this, can I keep the shirt on? I don't...." She took a deep breath and closed her eyes as she admitted an insecurity of hers.

"I don't like my chest. My boobs are too small, it's unflattering and I'd rather you not see them." She slowly opened her eyes to see his reaction. San had a sad look on his face, bottom lip poking out as his fingers came up to brush against her cheek. Remembering what he had previously said back in the parking loyal, he felt terrible for saying that ill intended joke about her body. He probably hurt her and he didn't realize it.

"Y/N don't say that. Your chest size doesn't matter. You're beautiful the way you are and I bet underneath that layer is clothing there is the cutest and most adorable set of boobs in the world." She let out an involuntary giggle at his words, letting him run his hand down her clothed sternum.

"But if that's what you want, I'll respect it. Either way, my tshirt looks amazing on you." He acknowledged rather cockily.

Shifting further back, San took hold of the top of her shorts, making sure to look at her.

"Are you ok with these coming off?"

Y/N resisted the temptation to slap the top of his head.

"If you don't take them off, how are you going to fuck me genius?" She retorted.

"You'd be surprised at what I've learned." He uttered, mostly to himself than at her.

Like an expert, he practically tore her shorts down her legs, panties falling to the floor along with them. Y/N let out a soft squeal when he took hold of her thighs and brought her down so his face was at eye level with her most intimate part. San took a few seconds to admire her bare mound, lips parted and threatening to start drooling all over her thighs. Pressing both thumbs against each one is her lips, San pried her folds open, staring intently as he now clearly saw all of her.

"Oh fuck. I'm gonna need to prep you real good. I can tell you're going to be really tight."

She wanted to ask him what he meant by prep, but her words got caught in her throat when she felt his tongue delve into her core. She had never felt someone's mouth anywhere near her folds and she regretted not having experienced it before. Her eyes shut tight as she marveled at the sensation of San's tongue lapping at her bud, his lips making sure to enclose all around the flesh surrounding it before giving it gentle suckles. Shaky breaths blew out from her mouth, her legs wanting to close themselves around San's head but his firm grip on her thighs kept it from happening. He kept her knees pinned to the bed as his mouth continued to ravish at her taste, sloppily consuming her heat fervently. Her mind was so occupied in what he was doing that she didn't register the hand that slowly crept away from her thigh until she felt something poke at her entrance.

"Oh-" She gasped, opening her eyes to see what was going on.

"Relax princess. It's just my finger.....for now." He momentarily pulled off her heat to let her know what was happening before diving back in to continue his task of eating her out.

His finger inside her felt a little weird at first, sliding in slowly before pulling out only to plunge itself back into her. During one of those times where she expected him to slide back in, she was surprised when she felt herself being stretched out as San curled a second finger inside her. Keeping them lodged there, he began scissoring them alternatively so he could further spread her walls apart. During one of those movements, his fingertips brushed along her hood, making her hips slightly jolt up into San's face, who smiled against her folds as he now knew exactly where to angle his hips for later. Using this new knowledge, that was probably unbeknownst to Y/N, he slipped his fingers deeper into her, knuckles deep as he moved his tips rhythmically on the the spot he found. Y/N's mouth fell wide open into an 'O' as whiny gasps and airy moans poured out of it. San's mouth latched to her clit and his fingers working deep in her hole was producing a stirring in the lower pit of her stomach that she couldn't quite make out. But it felt good, especially since it continued to grow more and more, almost as if it was a cord about to snap.

"San- wait. I feel, I feel-" She couldn't finish her sentence as her body trembled slightly, a flood of overwhelming pleasure washing over her that was prolonged by San drinking up the juices that spilled forth out of her body. He didn't pull away until he made sure to swallow every drop she had to give.

"Aren't you grossed out?" She asked him, always having wondered about that.

"Nope. I love licking girl's pussies, especially if they're as sweet as yours." He affirmed while pulling his shirt off his body.

Y/N turned her flustered face away from him, keeping her gaze locked on the wall to her right, which was decorated with several polaroids of her with her family, friends and members of her church, some of them even had San in them, back when they were inseparable. Before she could become nostalgic, a strong set of hands clutched her chin and teared her gaze away from the pictures, forcing her to stare at the now naked man in front of her.

"Forget about that for now. Right now I want your full attention on me and what we're about to do. After we're done, that image of a good girl you have will gone." His words seemed to almost taunt her.

Although she tried not to look, Y/N's eyes fell in between San's legs, filled with astonishment when she glimpsed for the very first time at her former friend's member, fully erect and leaking at the tip as it awaited to be hugged by her warm walls.

"Like it? Maybe later I'll let you play with it." San giggled when her eyes shot up at him in surprise.

Placing himself to hover above her, he hummed lowly as he slowly stuffed himself inside her, working her open until he was fully nestled inside her warmth. Although she felt a light burn scraping against her inner walls, it wasn't unpleasant or painful like her first time. She could tell San knew exactly what he was doing as he began rolling his hips. Perfectly recalling exactly where to aim at, he made sure to angle his thrusts accordingly so each time he pushed back in, he'd hit her pleasure spot.

"Oh God-" Y/N exclaimed when he continued to brushed against the hood of her core.

"Really think it's a good idea to call out the good lord's name when I'm balls deep inside your pussy?" He asked with a malicious smirk plastered across his face.

"No baby. Tonight your only lord is me."

Pinning her wrists above her head, San continued pushing his cock deeper into her. The harsh pounding of his hips against hers was becoming louder, their bodies starting to get heated and producing sweat. Y/N couldn't do anything but whimper and wrap her legs around San's waist, keeping him firmly locked to her body. She closed her eyes once more as she felt the same familiar feeling from before start piling up, only it felt more intense and stronger probably due to the fact that she was getting railed to her bed by her ex best friend, whom she still cared about deeply. She was definitely not planning on making up with him this way, but holy hell, she couldn't deny that he was making her feel so many emotions at once. Pleasure, lust, satisfaction, happiness, euphoria, love? Perhaps that last one was definitely a stretch, but she blamed her confused thoughts on how well his cock was abusing her hole. She felt unable to focus on anything except him.

"Clenching so hard around me babygirl. Are you gonna cum all over my cock?"

Slipping one hand in between their bodies, San pressed his thumb against her clit, rubbing it back and forth so it would serve as an extra push to tip her over the edge. Y/N splayed her hands on San's lower back, nails raking against his skin, causing him to hiss.

"Fuck- am I seriously making you feel that good babygirl?" He knew for a fact he was feeling absolutely amazing, her tight warmth gripping along his shaft, making it hard for him to hold back much longer.

"Mmm yeah." She shamelessly moaned.

"Am I better than your first?" Although he already knew the answer, he still wanted to feed his ego and hear her say it.

"So much better! It feels so fucking good." She inhaled sharply when that she began to feel the sensation from before. With even louder cries from before, her body shook underneath San's, blood rushing to her head as an even greater orgasm coursed through her body. She was left speechless, a full on panting mess even after San had pulled out of her after helping her ride out her high.

"Oh geez. Shit." San's voice rasped out as he jerked himself off, his cum painting her thighs white, not stopping until he had finished coating them with everything he had to give.

Looking down at the mess, Y/N couldn't suppress a tiny giggle, one of her hands clasping over her mouth while the other picked up some of his cum and spread it between her fingers.

"Having fun there?" San grinned, finding her fascinated gaze to be completely adorable to him.

"Yeah.." She said as sat up to get a better look at the cum around her thighs.

"Well I was going to clean it off you, but seeing as you're so entertained by it, I'll just leave you with it."

Not forgetting that he was merely a guest, San slid himself off her bed and plopped his tired body onto the blankets on the floor. Closing his eyes, he was thinking he would finally be able to sleep, but he found his plans thwarted when he felt a pair of hands graze across his chest. Looking up, he found Y/N straddling his lap, biting down on her lower lip as she grinded her wet folds along his softened dick which was now becoming hard again thanks to her.

"What in the world are you doing you crazy girl?" He sucked in a breath, not expecting her to suddenly pounce on him.

"I wanna try that again." She pleaded, grinding her hips harder on him.

"Oh my- did I accidentally turn you into a nymphomaniac?" She chuckled at his joke and although he groaned as if he was frustrated, he obliged to her wishes and sat up.

Clasping her waist with his hands, he lifted her up and guided her so she could easily sink herself down on his length. Not letting go, he slowly rolled his hips up, burying himself deep in her body once more. Since they were both still riled up from their previous session, it didn't take long for both of them to start spewing out a clutter of moans and grunts as they once again get lost in a mist of lust that clouded their minds. San drunk up every expression on Y/N's face. Every twitch of her facial muscles, every shuddering breath she exhaled, each time her eyelids shut close, he marveled at seeing her enjoy the experience. He loved seeing her indulge in such an intimate practice with him, more so given how special she was to him, one of the most important people in his life aside from his family. Looking down at her torso, his fingers brushed along the hem of her shirt.

"Please...." His urging caught her attention.

"Please let me see all of you. I want to admire every inch of you and your beautiful body. I promise I won't laugh or judge. I just want to worship you."

Y/N hesitated briefly, still afraid to let him see what was hidden under the shirt.

"It's ok if you don't want to. I won't force you." He shot a kind smile at her as he focused back on making sure to drive his cock up into her.

Feeling safe and knowing she could trust her lifelong friend whom she thought of as a soulmate at one point, Y/N reached for the bottom of her shirt and peeled it off her body. Coming face to face with her bare chest, San groaned in ecstasy as he slid his hands up her body.

"Just as I predicted, you have very cute breasts."

Pulling her chest to his face, he opened his mouth and took one of her nipples in it, swirling his tongue around it before sucking on it. Y/N's fingers raked themselves through his hair, harshly tugging them when she felt his teeth sink themselves into her flesh.

"Aren't they too small?" She inquired.

Letting go of her breast with an audible pop, San cupped her chin.

"No baby, they're absolutely perfect. They're gorgeous, just like every other part of your body. You're gorgeous, absolutely stunning and holy fuck, you're driving me insane honestly." He confessed, his mouth diving into her other breast so it wouldn't feel left out from being tenderly kissed and sucked on.

His words sunk deep in Y/N's heart. He really did found her beautiful, attractive and it spurred something in her. Feeling a newfound passion, Y/N unconsciously began taking over their movements. Pushing against his thrusts, she began to set her own pace, rutting herself on top of his dick. San of course took notice and was happy about it.

"Oh wanna take over now baby? Well go ahead."

Laying back down on the floor, his eyes stared up at her with lust.

"Fuck yourself on me darling."

Encouraged by him, Y/N began bouncing herself on his cock. Finding an angle that she liked, she sunk down on his length over and over, her head thrown back as she used his body to push her down another spiral of immense pleasure. San just relaxed and admired the way she lost herself and gave into her deepest desires. He loved the way she rode his cock, and he loved feeling her walls tighten once more around his shaft.

"Oh shit- Sannie." She cried out his name as she quivered on top of him, her juices spilling out onto his cock once more.

Knowing fully well she was probably aching between her thighs, San gripped her hips and helped her ride out her climax so the feeling she was going through wouldn't go away just yet. He made sure to be gentle, easing her up and down his cock with absolute tenderness. Once he knew she was satisfied, he pulled her of him and set her down on the floor before sitting up above her body. Just like before, he took hold of his cock and began pumping his cum out of his body, plastering it all across her inner thighs and even splattering some on her stomach. Looking up, Y/N had the same giggly expression as before.

"Does my cum really make you burst into a fit of giggles?" He questioned her.

"I can't help it. It's just... I don't know. Maybe it's the fact it's so dirty and wrong, and then to have you spread it all over my body." She explained, which made San chuckle.

"Maybe I should baptize your thighs with my cum more often." Although he was joking, Y/N was more than willing to take him up on that offer.

"Will you?" She looked up at him with puppy eyes.

San studied her for a moment, before a wicked idea popped in his brain.

"How about you let me baptize and stain that pretty face of yours?"

Getting a hint of what he meant, Y/N got up on her knees while San stood up right in front of her, cock in hand as he brought it up to her lips.

"I hope you weren't planning on going to morning services tomorrow because I'm going to keep you up til morning until your knees hurt."

[sirenascales]

-> double black [part six] 18+

-> Chuuya x 1stPOV!F!Reader x Dazai

-> Who knew getting fired from work could lead to this?

-> Content: SMUT, slight angst, violence, murder, swearing

The case is concluded and Chuuya collects his prize. [Chuuya x 1stPOV!F!Reader x Dazai]

3,461 words

warning: mentions of violence, murder, nsfw, smut, slight voyeurism

note: so i lied, there is one more part, which will be nothing but smut so be excited for that hehe

Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Part Five | Part Six | Final || Masterlist

My ability is called Hell Hath No Fury and it gives me the ability to make a perfect clone of myself that is fueled by the anger, rage, pain and despair that dwells inside of me, and has been inside of me since I was small. The anger isn't something that's just there, I've been through a lot of things in my life that left my weary soul full of the negative emotions that powers my clone. I don't particularly like using my clone, as she could be quite scary. Like anger and hatred, she could be very hard to control sometimes.

"She is quite scary, huh?" Dazai hummed, voice full of humor as I told him about my ability, us now back at the ADA. I sat at my desk, shoulders slumped. "Took me by surprise~"

I laughed softly at him, shaking my head as I read the official report that was written at the conclusion of the Taichi investigation. There was an unreadable look on my face as I read through the text, Dazai swaying his chair from side to side beside me.

"It says that Taichi was killed by the drug dealer..." I repeated, grimacing as I recalled Chuuya shooting the same man right in his head. "I don't... know how to feel about this."

I was the one who killed Taichi, yet here I was, sitting at my desk in the ADA office with no consequences coming my way. Further reports say that the drug dealer soon met his own demise due to the retribution from the Port Mafia, which wasn't an exact lie.

"Just go along with it, Bella. The only ones who know the truth are-"

"I can't believe you would do something so... incredibly stupid." I winced as soon as Kunikida started barreling down on me, sighing as he continued to lecture me.

Of course, we had to tell Fukuzawa, as well as the rest of the core members of the ADA what happened. It was only fair, considering we had to make sure the story was solid. It was rather nerve wracking to say the least, and in total me fashion, I had cried right in front of the President.

I thought I would get fired, but all I got was a week's suspension. "Get some rest," Fukuzawa said to me, leaning back in his chair. "You're going to need it." I nodded my head, standing up and bowing to him quickly before I left his office.

"I guess I'll see you guys soon," I said to the others, holding my bag full of belongings in my hands. I gave them all one last wave before walking out of the office, aware of Dazai following behind me. As always, I chose to walk down the stairs, only going down two flights before I turned on my heel, dropping my bag and wrapping my arms tight around the taller man.

"Oof," Dazai gasped out before he wrapped his arms around me, chuckling a bit as he gave me a squeeze. "It's not like you'll be gone forever."

I sighed, keeping my face pressed against his chest. "I know. I think all the adrenaline from... everything finally left and now I honestly feel like shit. I'm so tired, Osamu."

"... would you like me to come with you?" Dazai asked and I shook my head, giving him a playful, scolding look.

"You need to finish that report, you lazy bastard," I replied, Dazai already whining and I rolled my eyes. "Call me later?"

Dazai stopped whining, gently cupping my face with his hand. He leaned in and kissed me, stealing my breath away as he always had. He smirked at my flushed face, stepping back. "Yeah. Now go."

I left him by the stairs, making my way back to my apartment. Now that I had a week off, I wasn't sure what I should do. I guess doing was Fukuzawa said and just resting would be a good thing, seeing as I was tired, both physically and emotionally.

But even as I try to sleep, I find myself tossing and turning, waking up every hour. I slumped on my back, letting out a frustrated breath as I stared at the ceiling.

"You know, bella... you're disrupting my beauty sleep," Dazai spoke from beside me and I rolled my eyes, huffing out a breath. Dazai chuckled softly, laying one arm under his head while the other rested over his tummy. "This will pass in time."

I sighed softly. "It's weird... I don't regret it."

"But you still took a life."

"Did you feel this way when you first killed someone?"

"... I honestly don't remember. When you're surrounded by nothing but darkness and carnage for a long time, stuff like that is nothing to be concerned about."

I frowned. "When you were in the Port Mafia... you were partners with Chuuya, right?"

"Like I said, we were the best~" Dazai sang and I smiled softly.

"Just imagining the two of you fighting together is kinda scary..."

"Well, when you have someone like Chuuya and the youngest executive in Port Mafia history, yeah, we were pretty scary!"

I choked. "You were an executive?!" I exclaimed in shock. I thought about Chuuya, and how he worked alongside the Leader of the Port Mafia himself. Dazai was that powerful? And with someone like Chuuya...?

"That's..."

"Terrifying?"

"Hot."

Dazai sputtered, bursting out into a fit of laughter. "You like dangerous men?"

I grinned widely, finally turning to cuddle against him. "Blame it on the daddy issues," I answered, making him snort. "Why did you leave?"

"You should try to get some sleep," Dazai replied, changing the subject and I shrugged my shoulders.

"Yeah, though I won't be surprised if I can't," I mumbled unhappily, shifting a bit to get comfortable. I closed my eyes, hearing Dazai chuckled softly as I started to doze off.

Unsurprisingly, I slept like shit that night, my eyes were sore, the bags under my eyes puffy and dark. I groaned, waving Dazai goodbye tiredly as he left in the morning, heading to work after I scolded him for trying to sleep in and skip work.

The door closed behind him and I let myself fall back on my couch, just staring into nothing for a while before I grabbed my phone, pressing on Keiko's contact and calling her. She didn't answer.

After pressing the button on the side of her phone to end the incoming call, Keiko sighed nervously as she approached the man sitting in the desk before her, hands shaking as she placed down a large, thick envelope.

"Here you go. That's all of it," she said softly, quickly withdrawing her hands away and clasping them together against her chest.

Chuuya watched her carefully, noticing just how scared and timid Keiko was acting, and he honestly didn't blame her, not after what she's been through, and especially how Taichi continued to throw her under the bus, even after his death.

"I swear... I had nothing to do with what he was doing..." her voice trembled and Chuuya sighed deeply. He dug into his drawer, producing a cigarette for both himself and Keiko. She allowed him to light hers for her and there was a silence as they each took a drag.

"I believe you," Chuuya started, leaning back in his seat. "He used your name to open that offshore account and the safety deposit box, making sure not to have this all trail back to him." Keiko hung her head and Chuuya thought back to when he first saw her. She was way more outgoing and cheerful, and admittingly had a very sensual, attractive aura that even he himself would be into if she hadn't been with Taichi.

It was a shame to see that all gone, all because of one coward. It pissed Chuuya off immensely. She was essentially betrayed by someone she trusted, and Chuuya could relate to that all too well.

"But, everything is finally coming to a close with all the money Taichi stole from us coming back. Don't worry, Keiko, our investigation makes it more than clear that you are innocent in this. You have nothing to worry about," Chuuya said, but Keiko still looked troubled. She said my name softly and he looked at her questionably.

"What about her...?" she asked softly. "Is she clear?"

"You did see the official report, right?" Chuuya replied in turn, taking another drag from his cigarette. Keiko nodded silently. "It wasn't that hard to form the story. There was at least some truth to it. The drug dealer was as good as dead... as well as Taichi. She just beat us to it. We can let this slide."

Keiko sighed in relief, taking another drag from her own cigarette. "That's a relief... I was worried about what would happen to her."

"Nothing," Chuuya answered. "And we will be keeping an eye on her for a while too."

Keiko nodded in understanding. "I'm still worried about her, though. She's been having a hard time sleeping and I'm sure it's just... everything finally getting to her..." Keiko sighed deeply, rubbing her eyebrows. "But I don't know what to do... she's in this mess because of me, I wanna help her but I don't even know how to help myself!"

"And that should be your main focus right now," Chuuya spoke, crossing his arms over his chest. "Don't worry about her. I'll take care of her."

"But why?" Keiko questioned. "It's not like you care about her. Or love her."

Chuuya rolled his eyes. "There's no love there, but she's... fun."

Keiko snorted at that. "She's not one for love and relationships. I guess that's why she's involved with you, and Dazai. There's a mutual understanding there, and I guess if it works for you guys, then it's okay. But-"

Chuuya quirked an eyebrow. "But?"

"She's still sensitive. She wears her heart on her sleeve, so even if there really is no love here, I'm sure she still cares for you guys. That's just how she is. So I ask... just don't hurt her. That's all. If it all ends... just make sure she doesn't get hurt." Keiko clenched her fists. "I don't know what I'll do to you if she does."

Chuuya just stared at her, pleasantly surprised. He let out a short laugh. "Are you threatening me?"

"Yes."

Chuuya grinned, laughing again as he shook his head. The loyalty in this friendship was honestly a sight to see. It was refreshing. "I don't usually respond well to threats, so I'll let this slide. You've done all you can do, so you can head on home if you want. If you're lucky, we won't see each other again."

"Well, if you're still seeing my best friend, we probably will," Keiko said, standing up, feeling a little less nervous. "Goodbye, Chuuya. Stay safe out there."

Chuuya nodded. "I hope you can heal and become your old self again. It's sad to not see that pretty smile on your face."

Keiko blushed brightly. "Shameless flirt," she shot at him playfully, turning away from him to leave. Chuuya laughed loudly from his desk.

"So, are you okay now?" I asked Keiko over the phone, her telling me about her meeting with Chuuya. She first apologized for ignoring my call, but it didn't bother me that much. I was only glad that she was doing okay.

"Yeah, I'm alright. Gonna spend the rest of the day home and figure out what to do."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Well... I'm thinking of going away for a while. Maybe for six months... just to heal and find myself again."

"Six months?! What about your job?"

"I quit. I want to start my life over again, but I love Yokohama, so I figured... I can get another job when I come back! I'm gonna sell my condo too!"

I was stunned. "I... but where do you plan on even going?!"

"Hm... maybe Europe? I'm not sure yet. Are you... okay with me leaving?"

"Of course! I support you with everything you do in your life. I just want you to be safe and okay..."

"I'm glad. I'm pretty determined, but don't worry! I will always come home!"

Keiko and I talked for a while after that, a smile on my face as we ended the call. I was happy to see that Keiko was trying to turn her life around, proud of her for being so strong. It was rather inspiring, and helped me to gain my own strength to get my shit together as well.

The day went on, and I was in the kitchen making an early dinner when there was a knock on my door. I was annoyed, thinking it was Dazai flaking out on work again, but as I opened my door, I was surprised to see a certain red head at my door.

"Chuuya?"

"Wow. You look like shit."

I rolled my eyes and scoffed, turning and walking back into my kitchen, Chuuya following behind me.

"Gee, thanks."

"What are you doing?"

"Cooking an early dinner. You want some?"

"Yeah, sure."

It wasn't long until Chuuya and I sat across from each other, chowing down on some food and filling our bellies.

"So, what's up?" I asked him, drinking some water. Chuuya was still stuffing his face, almost choking at one point before he downed his glass of water to save himself.

"Well," Chuuya coughed. "I came here to collect my prize."

I blinked. "Your prize? What are- oh," I rolled my eyes, shaking my head. That stupid race Dazai proposed. Chuuya was the one who figured it all out first, and I was the prize for the lucky winner. "So, you wanna have sex later then? I'm cool with that."

Chuuya scoffed and crossed his arms over his chest. "No. Well, yes, but no. Not yet. I'm taking you somewhere."

I raised my eyebrows. "Where?"

"Shut up and don't worry about it. You'll see when you get there."

I narrowed my eyes at him, just wondering what the fuck he was up to. What could it possibly be that he wouldn't tell me what his plan was? It was rather suspicious and I began to grow wary.

But we finished eating and Chuuya didn't even give me a chance to pack before he dragged me out of my apartment. I managed to get my keys, phone and purse, and I gave him the stink eye the entire time I was stuck in the backseat of a fancy car with him.

"Are you having me killed?"

"I will if you don't shut up."

I scoffed, crossing my arms over my chest as Chuuya took me to my supposed doom. But we arrived at our destination, and I was extremely confused as I looked up at the rather luxurious hotel. I didn't get the chance to question it, Chuuya leading me inside. We were immediately greeted by the hotel attendants, and led to the elevator. We rode it all the way to the top floor, the attendant leaving us alone as the doors opened and we walked out into the hallway.

"Chuuya..." I let out a small breath as he led me inside the penthouse, my jaw dropping as I took my first look at the very luxurious space. "What is this?"

"Keiko told me you were having a rough time," Chuuya spoke, taking off his hat and then his jacket, hanging them up carefully. "I figured this would help you. Full body massages, jacuzzi, anything you could ever want to just... relax. It's all here."

"But... Chuuya, you didn't have to," I whispered, still in awe with my face heated up.

"Well, just deal with it," Chuuya huffed.

"Isn't this expensive though?"

"It's nothing. Just... think about this as my prize. Taking care of you."

Now my face was burning hot, Chuuya's own flushed red. I gave him a look, his words making me smile a bit despite how flustered they made me.

"You sound like a sugar daddy."

He didn't respond. That made me giggle. "How long will we be here."

"For the week, until you get back to work."

"But how did you..." I trailed off, gasping when Chuuya gave me a light push further into the penthouse.

It was an amazing, large open area space with a full kitchen, all the top appliances, a flat screen and a huge king size bed. The bathroom was just as fabulous, the large soaker tub calling my name.

"Oh, I need to get in that," I declared, making Chuuya laugh lightly. He watched as I looked around the bathroom, taking it upon himself to start filling up the tub. I turned to him and smirked. "Will you join me?"

"Like you have to ask that."

After finding a nice smelling bath bomb to put in the tub, Chuuya and I undressed and carefully climbed inside, sighing blissfully as the hot water immediately began to relax our muscles. I sat between Chuuya's legs, my back against his chest and my head resting against his shoulder. My eyes were closed, Chuuya's strong hands roaming all over my body.

"Tired?" Chuuya asked me softly and I sighed, nodding my head.

"Yeah... like Keiko said, I've been having a shit time sleeping," I answered, turning my head to lightly kiss Chuuya's jaw lightly. "But maybe a relaxing massage would help. Oh, but it's kinda late, huh? The masseuse would be gone by now."

Chuuya's hands continue to roam my body, one moving south. I let out a deep sigh when he began to rub circles on my clit.

"Yeah... but I can think of other ways to make you sleep," Chuuya whispered in my ear before he bit into my earlobe. I sigh again, Chuuya then capturing my lips with his own.

After making me cum on his fingers in the tub, we finished up in there before we found ourselves tangled up in the sheets of the king sized bed. Chuuya had my legs thrown over his shoulders, his cock plunging deep into me with every thrust he made.

"You're mine..." Chuuya breathed out, hissing and moaning from the pleasure. "... for the entire week... gonna make sure the only name you know is mine." He growled, clenching the sheets on either side of me tightly in his fists.

"Oh, yes, yes yes!" I cried out, back arching off my bed, eyes going wide as a voice that was not Chuuya's spoke up.

"Oh, that's just cute."

Whipping our heads around, we were shocked to see a certain detective standing at the foot of the bed, lecherous grin on his pretty face. We froze, Chuuya's cock still inside me, my heart pounding in my chest.

"Dazai?!" I shrieked.

"How the fuck did you get in here?!" Chuuya followed, glaring at the man. "What the hell?!"

"You can't hide things from me~" Dazai sang, not even hiding the fact that he was enjoying what he was seeing, his eyes slowly trailing over both of our naked bodies. "I was wondering why you called me to ask about her schedule... so I did some digging."

Chuuya hung his head, gritting his teeth in annoyance. "I am going to kill you."

Dazai laughed heartily, waving his hand dismissively. "No, no! Don't let me disturb you! I can watch! You guys were having so much fun!"

Before Chuuya could even react, he ended up groaning, his wide blue eyes finding mine. "Did you... fucking like that?" he asked and I stuttered a bit. "Do you want him to watch us?"

Another chill went down my spine at the thought and Chuuya groaned again as I clenched tightly around him. Chuuya cursed, feeling his cock twitch inside of me. He cursed again, becoming more overcome with arousal.

"Interesting," he breathed out, small puffs of air hitting my face. He smirked slightly, glancing back at Dazai. "This brings back memories."

"Fond memories," Dazai hummed and I looked back and forth between the two of them questionably.

"What are you guys talking about?"

Both of their eyes were now on me, and the intensity of their gazes made me gasp sharply, another chill going down my spine.

"Why have him just watch," Chuuya began, nuzzling his face against my neck. "When he can join us? Oh, fuck, you squeezed me so tightly just now..."

I trembled, heart hammering in my chest at the mere idea. A threesome? With Chuuya and Dazai. Looking over, I catch Dazai slipping off his tan jacket, gulping as he started to work on getting his shirt off.

"We have a week, right? Oh, this is going to be so much fun."

-End