#don’t worry I’m not ignoring you
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“Shhh.. you’re safe, Billy. The monsters are gone.”
#some calicheer to heal the soul#this is extremely self indulgent#if you don’t like it please ignore it#calicheer#billy hargrove#billy x chrissy#I’m going back to my steddie bs soon no worries#I just love them so so much and they would be perfect together#okay bye#sketchy mess#don’t look at it too long#first time drawing Billy so cut me some slack
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liking bugs is all about saying “I like bugs” and people responding to that with “well have you considered that I hate bugs? And that I think bugs deserve to die? Have you considered that I like killing bugs very much I just love to stomp on them?”
#Sorry I read replies on a bug post. Worst mistake of my life#people are so comfortable telling bug enthusiasts to your Face how much they hate what you love#like that’s crazy. That’s insane. Why is that normalized#clamtalk#bugposting#bugs#Ignore that I’m posting this at 4am. Don’t worry about it
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Everyday goes a little something like this. I open tumblr and check the pathologic tag to find art because the vibe patho artists capture is exquisite.
I immediately see someone making fun of Daniil for having highly specific special interests that he likes talking about.
I ignore it and scroll further only to see another 5 posts calling him annoying for oh wait give me a second *rereads text posts making fun of Daniil* showing symptoms of autism.
I sigh like a depressed disappointed father. I close tumblr.
#pathologic#daniil dankovsky#making fun of him can be funny#I’ve definitely laughed at a joke at his expense more than once#but I constantly see him being ridiculed for doing things that are just blatant acts of neurodiversity#he wears specific clothes oh what a whiny spoiled city boy#he speaks a language he learned as a mandatory part of his medical education that god forbid he actually enjoyed and uses in his day to day#he’s so annoying#he doesn’t understand social cues and responds in a way that I find weird let’s all laugh#he responds to certain situations aggressively because of trauma oh what an evil bad man let’s not examine this any further#he’s just mean and that’s it#I’m so tired of seeing a character I love being mocked for the exact same things I’m mocked for in real life#he actually values sanitation and hygiene and reacts to unsanitary medical practices with sceptisim what a ignorant jerk#I know I sound bitter don’t worry I’m not oblivious to it#but I think some people saw the way the townsfolk reacted to Daniil and immediately assumed they’re all right#as if one of the main components of the game isn’t how the townsfolk are abrasive and rude to strangers and outsiders#some of you for real sound like a judgemental isolated inhabitant of the town that saw daniil and immediately decided he’s not welcome
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I miss you Lorna… this is such a mess
This is an old message and I had several other similar messages, but I miss you guys and hope you’re all doing well!! I’m sorry to see nothing has improved.
I saw I was kindly mentioned by @awesomefringey and some other commenters the other day, so just wanted to log in and say hello and log back out for a few more months. 💕
Sending so so much love to all of you. Take care of yourselves and each other, please.
The video is still on YT.
#Anywayyyyy#The fandom added a whole lot more C to my C-PTSD#So a nice random message every few months instead of a freshly posted death wish is LOVELY.#Don’t fret. On meds and therapied but fresh tf out of money from it so @ L and H… lornasaurusrexx at g*ail is the PayPal if ur bored 🙃#I hate to be like this but protect your hearts. They’ll never be able to look out for you guys and they feed these trolls ammo for snacks#and it seems to have only gotten worse. Gotta keep them hets hetbaited for their money whilst actively encouraging them to bully yall? Why?#STILL!? At this point it feels like they’ve both chosen that path deliberately now and I find it quite gross. but I’m also very far removed#So don’t worry about my opinions. Keep trusting your own intuition!!! You all see it. I love you guys and your beautiful hearts and empathy#But I hope they can sleep at night knowing the absolute fucking genuine WRECKAGE they left across the Big Gay War generation/era of Larries#Don’t worry guys I’m just as dramatic as ever. None of this has anything to do with them coming out or anything. Just how we were treated.#But trust I fuckin mean that shit from the deepest darkest pit of my Demon Larrie™️ heart. They encouraged this. 🤷🏼♀️#Anyone who cares about my actual life updates: I’m a school nurse now and will be working at a bougie summer camp over break#Had a surgery I needed. Got new tattoos and piercings. In a happy and healthy relationship with the best dude for almost a year now.#OH and I went to New Zealand last year with Prettytruthsandlies!!!! We made a pact back in our Big Gay War/college days to go. And we DID!!#I got overstimulated and overfed and puked in Hobbiton. 🤣 (It was the best time of my LIFE GENUINELY🥰🥰🥰🥰🥹🥹🥹)#Okay BYE LOVE YOU GUYS#There are better and more humane ways to maintain a closet ..like literally STFU entirely. Ignoring it and not exploiting a kid is FREE#🇵🇸
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Remembering when there was so much praise amongst both viewers and the press for One Night (especially Jodie Whittaker’s performance) particularly for how it handled complex relationships between women, between women and their bodies, etc. and then Paramount Plus was like, ‘fuck that, we don’t care’ and now you can’t watch it anywhere because they just removed it. I really hope it can find a new home because these kinds of stories are so important especially when executed with so much care and nuance as One Night.
#one night#jodie whittaker#woke up mad about it today I guess#I’m ignoring that guardian review because honestly that guy didn’t even try to watch it and appreciate he didn’t even see all the eps#Don’t even get me started on the trend of removing queer women media above all else#But don’t worry guys because you can watch innumerable shit reality tv on paramount plus!! Thank god right jfc
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Logically I know it’s been five years so it shouldn’t be surprising that I do actually look older then I do in the pictures from 2019 my mom is sorting through but also. those five years aged me a lot
#I mean I don’t look old now I’m not worried about that#it’s more like...#I just look happier#like I didn’t go through like three disastrous experiences and also have a crisis or three#idk#things have generally been better for me but life was just#easier then#I wish I could grab my past self’s shoulders and be like ‘DON’T GIVE UP ITS GOING TO BE HARD BUT DON’T OKAY PLEASE#AND YES THE DEER WAS INTENTIONAL#that would’ve been nice#sorry photos always get me in a weird mood you can ignore this#rambles from the floor#delete later#not to mention the crushing reality that I have done basically nothing in those five years but we don’t have time to unpack all that—
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it’s the 90s in my monkee universe where davy lost his mom young like he did irl and they are watching the land before time because, yknow it seemed like a cool newer movie and peter LOVES don bluth films so they happened to pick it up from a video store after it left theaters so they’re all at home on the couch snuggled up and then they get to the scene where the sharp tooth attacks and mike sees it coming and has a hand on davys arm immediately and sure enough theres a dying mother scene.
davy stiffens a bit but says he’s fine and so mike squeezes davys hand a bit but then eventually davy starts to sniffle and mikes like “okay that’s it micky pause it.” and despite it having been so many years since his mom passed and him having been so young at the time, something still hits davy, especially seeing a kid in denial that his mom is going away because he just assumed she’d always be there!
but davy is determined to push past most of his babyish ways of the past so he keeps assuring mike (who is holding his face and looking into his eyes) that he’s fine between breaths. but mike is in full mumma mode because davy became his baby forever and always, and they turn the film back on and it’s all fine but mike holds davy extra tight and snuggles up to him throughout the rest of the watch and davy can’t help but push himself into mike and cling onto his shirt because mike is there for him and he does love him so much.
#the monkees#mike nesmith#davy jones#peter tork#micky dolenz#mumma mike#this is something i don’t know if ive ever actually typed out but i got randomly into the land before time a while ago and thought of this#davybaby#or… post davybaby i suppose?#in this they’re older cause it’s the 90s and after his father passed in 72 davy started regressing real hard#(mostly after one really lonely trip to england to help with his father)#(he had some panic attacks because suddenly he was thrust back into evrything he left and called mike in the middle of the night freaking#out because he felt all alone and mike promised he’d never#have davy go to england alone and that he’d stay with him next time)#so throughout a lot of the 70s davy is on and off baby mode pretty hard#and at some point in the 80s he decides to try to stop it and goes all stoic and NOT little#but mike is now so attached to his little one and davy… despite trying to act like he’s not… is so attached to mike#and mike wants davy to be able to do what he wants but is also conflicted because it’s definitely not good for davy to ignore his emotions#which the guys usually helped him process through regressing#they all figure it out don’t worry it’s just hard for davy but he’s got his friends. they’ve all got each other and they love each other so#so much#and davy gets so many snuggles and hugs and kisses don’t you worry#okay goodnight folks i’m sorry for the lil davy rants
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Staring down that weird feeling of feeling like too much or out of place or annoying if I say too much or say things too loud or too off-putting to be like- WANTED in any given social situation. To try so hard to socialize just to- idk. I’d very much like to stop defaulting to that scared kid that was pushed away or talked over until I got old enough and desperate enough to say any and every rapid fire thought that comes to mind. Like filling space when there’s dead air then wondering if maybe I did the Too Much™️ thing again and A. Scared everyone away or B. Pushed everyone away so it would hurt less when they leave BC of A.
Of feeling like I need to be useful or smart or talented or pretty or SOMETHING worthwhile so people want me around. I can just be but then it’s like just being has never been enough for anyone to like- stay. Or care. Running is always a mistake bc it’s like riiiight.. no one noticed you ran, babe. You’re not even at the top of their list people to want around. And just feel so low about it that I talk myself into feeling miserable again.
I’m happy, ive been so much happier lately and i dont take it for granted bc it’s so rare that things go okay or that there’s a sense of peace for a moment. I’m creating again and im less hard on myself about it. I have hobbies again, I’m making friends. And still I’m like seeing the other foot start to drop in real time bc it’s like. You’re in, but are you? That constant nagging voice that sounds so much like my own going “lonely again? Good you deserve it”
#me: there’s time..#also me: THERES NO TIME#now see the thing they don’t tell you about taking lexapro is that you’ll have the motivation and energy to reinvest in hobbies when you’ve#been in depression hell for so long#also thank god it makes the excessive worry thoughts thiiiiiis loud 👌#like nooo babe there’s time#there’s always time if I’m okay with the crushing feeling of splitting my attention TOO much that I don’t connect with either fandom#that’s spooky#shaking and screaming like ‘don’t look at the notes it doesn’t matter’#and it truly doesn’t#sigh#I just keep coming back to that Brennan/hank green clip#where Brennan is talking about feeling like you just /dont/ belong even tho u did commit to trying you’ll always have that scared little#kid at the back of your mind with no friends reconfirming that no one likes you#I don’t know..#in theory people like me#but /i/ can never be normal about it#and I keep like.. I dunno#it’s tough spending your whole life never being the one people seek out#never the one that people WANT to hear talk#constantly feeling like too much and wondering if I should pull back#for people to get weirded out when I pull back#it’s exhausting#and it’s lonely#and even after 24 years I’m still the same insecure kid talking in the group chat while everyone else is silent#like am I too much am I too desperate#even like talking to my mom- who’s opinion of me truly doesn’t matter anymore just constantly interrupt me or talk over me#or ignore me so I’m repeating myself over and over just to give up#personal#fuck
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speaking of asks i feel the need to apologize for the ones that are like. days/weeks old 🧍
i swear im doing them (and i want to do them don’t worry! i want to give fun art responses!! i’m just slow and the posts i prioritize tend to jump from one thing to another-)
anyways thank you for your patience 😭💖
#[—✦ rambling#i at least tell myself i don’t have to rush it#i’m more worried about yall thinking i’m ignoring your asks which i’m not 😭#dont let this discourage you from sending asks tho!!#i’m just letting yall know just to be patient with me 😭🙏
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I keep forgetting I actually have followers so whenever I post something personal and people see it this is how it feels
#lemon man talks#Im not gonna stop posting though#This is my blog the whole point is saying whatever here#I feel bad for making people worry about me when I vent here but I promise I’m ok!! You don’t need to worry about me#I just rant when I’m feeling down it usually helps a lot already#I do say a lot of stupid stuff here huh#I’m almost done with inbox trick or treating also#After I reply to the last 2 I have I’m gonna have dinner and check all my other notifications#Sorry for the petty venting also you can ignore that
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depression so bad nothing even bothers you anymore and you don’t even want to get better
#text#post brought to you by looking at the 6 half empty cans of soda on my nightstand from throughout the week that i didn’t throw away#and can’t be bothered to#i’ve also been drinking red bull every day#wearing the same clothes for days#it’s gross and disgusting but i just….. don’t care#my room is filthy and messy and 🤷🏻♀️#i have a backlog of fics to read and i just can’t#i have no feelings or desires#and no energy to comment on stuff and no energy to even read#so then i don’t#and then feel bad bc i worry ppl think i’m ignoring them#i’m not i’m just drained#just nothing left
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#i’m just whining at this point ignore me#man. don’t you love needing surgery right at the start of your break so now you couldn’t do anything besides lying down terribly in pain an#exhausted???#and it’s healing and all but you still can’t walk without feeling like someone is hammering a nail into the wound#ahah ha. ha.#of course i still worry about it getting worse somehow.#and it’s affecting the blorbo time as well and i hate it so much#constant worry about larian making changes to the game that would force me to scrap everything and just.#idk that worry about a sense of belonging i guess. but it’s fine it’s whatever i won’t have as much time#for creative shit anymore because i should have started studying days ago 👍#which is so hard to do when you’re in pain and during the rare moments you’re not you’re exhausted from it but whatever it’ll be fine i’m#idk idk
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you know, for years I’ve either been primarily occupied with some past knot that I was trying to mentally unravel into what-might-have-beens and closure or with some imaginary future that I was painting in my head based on illusory signs. but lately I’ve been pretty securely ensconced in the present moment. occasionally I indulge in gazing back to look for the invisible string or peering around the corner to wonder what might be coming next, but mostly I’m just thinking about the now, and how happy I am in it. what’s on my mind is going for little walks, and washing the dishes while someone else dries.
#in which cate tells stories#and the thing is I didn’t know I COULD stay in the present moment!! I didn’t know I was capable!#I was horribly worried that something was broken in my mind!!!#when I said I will not give into my delusional daydreams that was me clinging by my fingernails because I didn’t know how to NOT#but it ended up being so easy????#I don’t know why and I don’t know how!!!#because it was something I struggled with for ages and ages but maybe what had to change wasn’t me but my circumstances#which. thanks I hate it. if you told that to past me she would punch you out.#but healing and happiness wasn’t something I could create for myself or practice. it was something I had to be given#which is so monstrously unfair for the years I was unhappy and unhealed!!!#feels like there LITERALLY wasn’t enough happiness in my life for me to hold on to I HAD to escape in one way or another#and now that my life has changed I don’t have to flee from reality like that#I don’t HAVE to be a I Wish You Would Elvis Song girlie anymore#the past is past! there it was there it goes!#now all I can do is be GRATEFUL#for something I didn’t anticipate didn’t create didn’t mastermind control#I have no practice at this!!!#but I’m not somehow unprepared for it#i will still not be elaborating at this time#ANYWAY ignore me
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#one of the biggest things i worry about is people memorizing my pronouns but still seeing me as a girl/feminine 🙃#pls i know i don’t pass well but pls pls don’t see me as a girl 😭#i’m just a silly little guy#in a nonbinary way#but also please call me masculine pet names and call me pretty boy#baby boy#etc#ignore this i should be sleeping and my brain is being mean#tldr: not a girl ❤️#also not quite Full boy#a secret third thing#it’s called transmasculine ✨#but fr if y’all are ever confused you can either ask or check my pronoun page in my linked post#vent post#gender dysphoria#kinda#anyways#shut up spencer
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I hate a “starving kids in Africa” ass bitch
#ignoreing the fact that that phrase#brings up so much in turns of thinking Africa is a wasteland#it’s the weird moral superiority of it all#the whole “ I don’t give actually give a fuck about food insecurity I just found a way to shut you down by bringing up someone#with a life worse than yours#like I saw someone saw mY MOraL OcD My MeNTal ILlnESs over people being stressed about Palistine#and first way to make fun of mental illness good job#and second I don’t think you really care about Palistine further than you can bitch about it#further than you can say well I don’t flinch when I see dead bodies so I’m better than you#not only is that crass and cruel to the person going with the mental condition it’s crass and cruel to PALESTINIANS#YOU THINK THEY WANT TO TO SEE THEIR DEAD BODIES AS A FUCKING JOKE#a stick to measure yourself to see if your more ‘down for the cause’#it’s fucking sick#and it’s the same bullshit you pull for police brutality#hell a person got killed by police earlier this year and you have people circulating the clip#like looking at and sharing gore makes you a better person#honestly it would make sense if someone’s mental condition flares up due to death#it’s more wiring if it doesn’t#and it’s a lot more worrying if you act like people being destressed and traumatized from a FUCKING GENOCIDE is some kind of moral failure#mental health
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I can go on that ramble about the future and housing and aromanticism though now. It’s like man, the future is already something that is so inconceivable to me. To then have the sexuality that does not allow me to slot in the cookie cutter you find a romantic partner that you end up moving in with is terrible. And like In this economy I sure can’t live alone, and I know at least when I’m sick I desperately want someone to be there. And then there’s I’m likely to move around a bunch how do you deal with that housing, other than the work having paid housing. like constantly having to find somewhere that’s looking for roommates and it isn’t terrible? And then long term, when I find a job I stay at for a while (that’s remote so I’d love to live in a remote place) is it like I find a place to stay and then I’m stuck there forever and I just have to hope that I make good friends at this new place. (Friends that don’t want to live exclusively with a romantic partner no less.) I want to live with close friends so bad and I’m not sure if that’s a feasible thing for my future. I’m a person that has so much hope so I have to assume that yes it will work out, I do believe that. But man just hearing someone mention it, sparks that hope.
#… vaguely related other way too personal ramble#I need to try so hard to keep my friends for a long time. I want it so much#but I’ve never had close friends till now and once I went to a different period in my life the friends I had were gone#and Ive made really close friends now in college and one day I was talking with one of them on a walk home and mentioned still being friend#in 5 years. and they were like that’s not happening this friendgroup isn’t sticking together that long and they were right#at least for them specifically they were the one that came back worse and it’s a big group#there are most definitely different groups inside it and that makes me worry if once I finish college I’ll still chat with them at all#and oh hey tying this into another thought I had earlier… I’m planning on studying abroad next semester (that’s the application I’m procras#inating rn lol) and I’ll be like 8 hours in the future and I guess that’ll be the ultimate test on if I can really keep friends#a trial run before I graduate#and I won’t let this thinking of the future ruin my time now I know that doesn’t help but still.#well… actually summer sorta also is a trial run. and I still talked with them just less often and in a different way… it’s gonna be okay#this is a post i made#uh I am bad at tagging if things are vent posts or not#vent#oh I completely forgot to put the online part of the tag ramble! Ive made quite a few friends online and we talk for a while and I love the#and then it’s a every once in a while going hey I still care about you but I can’t hold a conversation for the life of me#and now there’s. you know who. who I care about so much and we say things I never imagined people saying about me#and I am so scared? (… sure) that that’s gonna go the same way. and I’m not sure reassurance on any of this will really help I think it’ll#just be I will only be less scared of the future as time passes and it’s proven to be wrong#mh hit the I want to keep this all inside and not let this out to not make other people think about it thing#… okay now I need to make a joke that is so tonal whiplash cause uhhh okay siffrin#… I need to go to sleep it’s late I’m sure that’s why all these feelings are being brought up… ’I’m fine’ as great role model siffrin says#… but it doesn’t feel real that people care about me. that I do actually have an impact. that I’m actually a note in someone’s story#I know it logically everyone I’ve ever known is part of me but it’s so hard to imagine that applies to me in others#okay I’m gonna go shower and go to sleep. I wanna say ignore this post but that’s not a good idea I don’t think#though just talking into the void does help a lot. I’m great at talking myself into believing that things are a okay if I just talk about i#… this wasn’t supposed to be a vent or be so long geez
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