#don’t even fucking play with me rn
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i know i am so late to the party but someone pointed out that it’s canon that the mayor reads out the names of previous victors before each reaping and i just can’t stop thinking about that. like i really love the idea (in a tragic way) of everyone knowing lucy gray’s name without the story attached, especially since we know her art ended up having such a big impact on the country without a lot of ppl in the original trilogy even knowing it
#sorry i know this has prob been discussed to death before#but i was not on tumblr + back in the fandom until after ballad came out#like i know snow said he wanted to erase lucy gray + gaul hated how the tenth games turned out#but to me it would be even more suspicious that they’d just be like “lucy gray? never heard of her…”#meanwhile ppl in the capitol are like “what the fuck are u talking abt? we literally all met her”#and then keeping at least her name alive in the districts was prob just chill#bc even if they are ppl in the trilogy who are old enough to remember her they don’t know anything abt her games played out#since they didn’t have to watch it#ok rant over#lucy gray baird#edit i’m reading this back and i’m sorry i sound like a ten year old with a monocle rn#but i had forgotten abt that detail in the trilogy so now im just thinking abt katniss hearing lucy grays name every year#and that just being something that doesn’t evoke any emotion#even tho lucy gray was the ceo of evoking emotion when she was present in the narrative
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I’m remembering the Lovelace and Jacobi friendship thing they had going on the Urania and oufgh
#once again singing my praises for the wolf 359 wiki pages#and y’all better BELIEVE I’m using that shit in ouroboros. don’t even play w me#THEYRE MIRRORS OF EACH OTHER!! TWISTED BROKEN SHATTERED MIRRORS!!!#THEY LOST EVERYTHING!!! THE ONLY DUFFERENCE IS THAT LOVELACE’S PIECES WERE ABLE TO BE PUT BACK TOGETHER#AND JACOBI’S COULDNT BE#DO YOU HEAR ME.#DO YOU SEE MY VISION.#tweaking rn im just so#hrrenghhghadhddhh#tragic friendship honestly#lovelace sees herself in jacobi in the latter end of brave new world#someone put me down#wolf 359#w359#daniel jacobi#isabel lovelace#the ouroboros cycle#<-au tag because I need this for later probably#be fucking warned
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Fucking listen to this. My friends and I. We playin Two Truths And A Lie. This was my fucking thrn
1 ”imagine being attracted to an old man twice/three times your age. Couldn’t be me”
2 “Imagine having been hit by a car twice in one week and being completely fine. Couldn’t be me”
3 “Imagine losing your virginity to a friend and then (casually) never talking about it. Couldn’t be me”
literally all four of my friends bro
friend 1: “1. You look like you’d fuck an old man”
friend 2: “yeah, 1”
friend 3 + 4: “old man fucker”
friend 2: “didn’t you say in 10th grade how you’d go down on our Economy teacher?”
they didn’t even fucking flinch. I got shot with a double barrel gun and then thrown in the pool of fire by them. Inconsolable. Fucking destroyed. I am. losing my shit. Sticks and stones can break my bones but fuck. Those words hurt me more.
#I fucking hate them /j#i mean#They were right#BUT THATS NOT THE FUCKING POINT#sobbing#I canttttt#We just finished innout rn and we’re gonna watch the planet of the apes movie at 8:30 so to pass the time we were playing two truths-#and a lie#we usually start our sentences for it with “imagine ___” and end it with “couldn’t be me”#but this was so fucking funny I had to talk about it#Literally only two of them even knew about me getting hit#Well I guess clipped technically. Does that count as being hit? Idk#Once was my fault fs but the other I was at a fuckin crossing street so 🤷#But anyway#they barely even bothered to think#I’m dying#help 😭#they know I’d fuck an old man and I’m dead#rey rambles#meme#memes#lmao#lol#dumb shit#funny#relatable memes#funny memes#best memes#I don’t even want to finish the rest of the meme tags#Anyway we’re gonna watch the movie in like 10 minutes now
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#meg talks#just venting#im in so much pain it’s not even funny#im sorry for being inactive for so long i really was not anticipating this#the good news is ive made a lot of progress on compiling the spreadsheet for vetted gaza funds#so that once ive cleared out the dms i can add additional mods and get the ball rolling properly again#the bad news is that my insomnia is back and my pain is getting so bad i can barely get out of bed or eat#i don’t think it’s related to the fundraising work so much as… everything else -_-#i didn’t want to be out of a job for this long#and having to send so many applications and make so many fucking unhelpful phone calls a day to doctors and help centers…#idk. this isn’t me complaining abt the fundraiser work if anything it’s the only rewarding thing im doing rn#but im frustrated w myself and with my body and with. everything#it’s not just my own family relying on me anymore#and that makes it hard to deal with all this. like i could be using my time and energy way better than this.#but instead im playing phone tag to try and prove that im disabled and need to feed my brothers.#im just cjdhxgxjcncj sigh. whatever if i can just get over this hump then the rest will be downhill#and my friend is going to help me w cooking this weekend so that me and my bros can eat better#so hopefully that will give me a boost too#idr where i was going w this. probably nowhere jdgdjdnxnc im just miserable rn bc i can’t sleep and my leg hurts
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halfway thru my first drivers ed session. idk if i can do this aftually lol
#purrs#there’s like 30+ ppl in the class and most of them are high schoolers who already have like at least 20-30 hrs and i have 3. also the#instructor is really nice and means well but she is also a little clueless and she embarrassed me in front of everyone (or maybe i#embarrassed myself) bc she had us all introduce ourselves and say what we like to do and i said play video games and she was like oh are you#a bit of a gamer 👀 have you been to any of those conventions. LIKE 💀😭 NO I JUST PLAY SILLY LITTLE PET GAMES…..#but ajyways um. i don’t have enough driving experience to start behind the wheel lessons yet 💀💀💀💀💀 and we r watching videos rn and it’s so s#scary like istill have such trouble even maneuvering the car around how am isupposed to develop situational awareness and be driving on high#hihways and shit. this is so overwhelming. it’s like ‘every moment ur behind the wheel u and the ppl around u are at risk’ well idont want t#to be at risk or risk others lives. but also i need to move out. help 💔💖#anyways this class has INSANELY long breaks (like 15+ mins thank god) and we might be able to end early every day too so. fingers crossed it#wont be that bad and i’ll actually retain stuff and learn to drive fucking finally. but im so scared#also on thursday we are watching a video depicting a graphic c*r cr*sh so. that’s just fucking great#drivers ed tag
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can’t wait for the day i can get away from my parents
#crying in bed#dad just made me feel like shit#and like can’t even argue with him. i am a loser. just a college drop that still lives in her parents house at 25 with a shit job#and always has to bring up how my brother is doing better in life just because he taught at a college for a little bit#but like it’s not like he’s doing much better than me. my parents are fucking currently paying his bills#and he has the same degree i have. he’s not excelling at life just because he’s not living at home anymore#i know he’s not at fault for losing his job but at least i have one rn#i hate always having to play this stupid comparing game with my dad#like i get it#you’ve never hidden the fact you think i’m an idiot and a fuck up and think my brother is this super genius#you don’t have to keep reminding me#ALSO i’m SO sorry dad that i have no actual dreams in life unlike your son#i was stuck being your wife’s little puppet growing up to the point that it took a toll on my physical and mental health#so much so that i could barely function without weekly doctor visits and an assortment of braces#while you son on the other hand had all the freedom to explore his interests and discover what he wanted to do in life
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In another universe Gavin king got to play Orpheus on broadway and had the time of his fucking life
#Orpheus come back….#PLEASE DC HEAR ME#I think he could be great commentary on the futility of respectability politics#smth smth he literally fuckin died and got forgotten to make white girl sad for two seconds#but also I just wanna see him#he and Duke would have the funniest dynamic#DUKE RADICALIZES HIM!#btw i think while it was touched upon in dance in his story#in modern day i think he’d be a big advocate for the breaking of gender roles for young black boys specifically#and In my mind Duke helps him with the self hatred and trauma that causes him to so heavily scrutinize his community and Gavin helps Duke#with his sensitivity and emotional connection to himself and others#I think it could be a great story on black generational trauma and how we react so differently to racial stress and communal violence#and how even when we have disagreements on how things should play out at its core it’s love for eachother that makes progress#for example different stances on the war on drugs; they both know it’s government sanctioned but Gavin gives off slight pull yourself up by#the bootstraps vibes that duke doesn’t fuck with and they talk about it!#I don’t think any writer rn could handle that without doing some shit like involving Jason tho sorry#like yeah it makes sense kind of but I don’t want to see it bc white fans have proven again and again they can’t be trusted with a good#complex nonwhite storyline#uhm anyways Gavin and Duke paining their nails together#Gavin telling Duke he can wear whatever he wants but he himself is a little too old and Duke immediately taking him on a shipping spree#shopping#whatever
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I cannot fathom the level of self importance some people must have to behave this way
#it’s more so selfishness lmao#idk I’m getting unnecessarily worked up about this but 6 months ago I kinda vanished off of everywhere and then I noticed she deleted some#messages#girl I would’ve responded later calm down gosh the messages aren’t going anywhere nor are they disappearing#dora daily#I think of all people who should be mad you’re the last one because tell me why you were so viscerally rude to me since the beginning and#played a massive part of the roaa situation by being complacent when oh ! I thought you’d side with your alleged best friend ME#girl you have no right to complain at all not to mention you take FOREVER when you have no excuse to reply back but when I’m struggling I#apparently have zero excuse ☠️ girl bye#not to mention the fact that when I was so frustrated with myself having these bad headaches and being so incapable of doing anything when#exams were so close all you had to say was what can I do#well bitch what could I have done when you were at hospital#I guarantee you I was the only one texting you 24:7 asking how you were#reassuring you that it’s okay to feel upset about being in the fucking hospital and you don’t need to have such toxic positivity all the tim#oh but when the other girl had freaking back pain from her period or something apparently that’s more of a concern#girl bye#not me who has chronic headaches and cannot even study and nothing sticking cause it’s that bad#oh but go ahead compare it to your chronic illnesss like yes it’s horrible and yes it impacts you a lot#but I don’t think it impacts your brain and memorisation capacity#not to mention how fucking jealous she is of everything like I can say oh god I was so stressed and girl she has not felt stress in her life#compared to what I go through yet she is jealous of the fact I can stress ? tf?#and when I say I almost passed out cause of exhaustion she doesn’t give a shit when I was being so serious#in truth I’ve come to realise nobody does seem to care at all lmao they all think I’m lying#why would I lie about that be so fucking fr rn#anyways this is why I simply don’t want to talk about my physical condition with anyone anymore because they’ll think I’m a liar anyways 🤷♀#not to mention the fact if you even knew me a little you’d understand that it’s so impossibly hard for me to feel comfortable enough to#complain to talk about me feeling sick or sad or whatever I only do it here cause no one follows me and no one will rlly see it at all#but even here I feel like my throat closes up and I can barely breathe when I do complain#so pls …#this one sided friendship thing is crazy cause girl how do I shake you off?
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(not hornyposting just musing lol) so i’m a singer-songwriter and performer irl and i’m thinking about the fact that i go around on a day to day basis singing serious, professional songs that use dogs and brainwashing and cannibalism as painful heartbroken metaphors. and i’ve been doing this for years but little by little all these things i process my anguish through in songwriting, have also become how i satisfy my sex drive. and i don’t know what to do with that information i just think it’s wild!! fun fact abt me i guess. i go out there in public singing about how service is my fulfillment and calling myself a good boy and i sing about wanting to be violently torn apart and eaten and i’m like. yeah it’s a metaphor. yeah dw i’m really normal. i don’t fantasize about having my humanity stripped from me and being treated like a stupid sweet puppy barking and whining for my lovers sick and twisted pleasure what are you TALKING about. i just like the poetic imagery of it. i SWEAR.
#i just think it’s silly….#like no joke i’ve written five songs this school year and lets see#there’s one about being a ‘‘silly stupid angel’’ who’s degraded and abused and idealized and stripped of all dignity#(yes it’s a commentary on the patriarchy. yes it’s about the toxic relationship i was in at the time. it’s also several of my kinks in one)#there’s one called GOOD BOY about being a dog. whining and kicking up the dirt. growling and whimpering. being taken advantage of#ITS JUST A METAPHOR. obviously. i actually wasn’t into puppy play yet when i wrote that song iirc. guess it got to me….#then there’s the cannibalism one. i gave my soul up you can eat me raw diced up and vulnerable i’m yours to try#it’s a ummmm it’s just a commentary. (also about my toxic relationship. he didn’t want to fuck OR eat me. but somehow still used me)#anyway the other two are just normal one is about filtering myself for him and the other is about being oppressed and poor and angry lol#still though. the fact that over half my songs are literally my kinks turned into poetry. and NOBODY KNOWS#it’s not my fault that those things are on my mind ALL THE TIME. what am i supposed to write songs about if not being a stupid puppy??#i don’t think anyone on my kink blog ACTUALLY wants to hear about this but my kinks are secret so this is the only place i can post about i#hope u can get some sort of psychological insight about me?? or idk stalk me?? show up 2 my shows and kidnap and use me?? who said that#i’m not even like. wet rn i’m just on here as reflex. and i’m THINKING. abt my TWISTED MIND and the weird shit i write about#in an intellectual way. cause i’m not USING my KINK BLOG this week. cause i SAID SO cause i need to KEEP MY WITS ABOUT ME#so i’m gonna be so normal. and not touch myself even a little bit cause i need to sleep and i need to move house and i need to be so normal#unrelatedly: tomorrow i’ll be one month on testosterone!! definitely hasn’t awakened anything in me….#anyway. anyway. i’m going to try to go to bed. probably going to end up edging myself stupid instead though#will just have 2 see what happens…. god it would be a shame if someone came in and used my sleeping body. who said that
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i’m fr gonna lose my mind :)
#been a minute since i’ve ranted in the tags on here hi hello#so i have this friend who is driving me absolutely insane#we’ve been friends for about a year or so and when we first met we clicked right away and got super close and hung out all the time#we met at work but neither of us works there anymore and it feels like our whole friendship is falling apart now that we don’t#i literally have not seen her in person once since the last time we worked together (march)#and even before that we didn’t hang out outside of work since december of last year#and i have grown very used to having friends that just do not put the same amount of effort as me into our friendships and it’s sucks#so i was starting to make my peace with the fact that we just weren’t really friends anymore#but then a few months ago she started texting me asking me to hang out all the time and she seemed way more like her old self#and immediately i got sucked back in and was all excited to see her again and have her back in my life fully#but she completely flaked on me three times in a row (not even cancelling our plans but waiting until the next day to give me an excuse)#which like i said i’m unfortunately used to but she literally was the one who invited ME to hang out every time#like why are you initiating plans with me and then ignoring my calls and texts when it comes time to actually hang out#then a few weeks ago she texted me again saying we should go to a concert together bc we hadn’t in a long time#and there happens to be a concert i’ve been wanting to go to on the 31st but had no one to go with#she said she was totally in and really excited and i bought the tickets a couple days later and texted her to tell her i had#got zero response for almost a week and then she texted me yesterday saying we should hang out this week#so i said yeah let’s do it but also this concert is literally in 2 days are you still coming with me#and no response! again! so now i have 2 days to try and find someone else who can go last minute bc it seems unlikely that she will#and i’m just so fucking confused bc why do YOU keep reaching out to ME just to flake out at the last minute every single time#like at this point it feels like she’s doing it on purpose just to see if i’ll keep tolerating her bullshit#and part of me wants to just cut her off bc she’s been a terrible friend to me for months at this point#but i can’t bring myself to do it bc i miss her so much anyway and when our friendship was good it was really fucking good#like i considered this girl one of my best friends and now it feels like she’s just playing games with me bc she’s bored#which sucks extra bc last year she was there for me when literally none of my long time friends were#like it’s bad enough that it seems like our friendship was conditional on us being coworkers#but it hurts more and more every time she reappears in my life just to ghost me again like genuinely why would you do that#so i’m really upset and pissed off rn and i have no idea wtf to do about the concert bc idk anyone else who likes the artist enough to go#vent#lj.txt
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#my parents are already annoying the shit out of me about baldurs gate#‘you’ve been playing to ALL WEEKEND’#i bought it thursday night and don’t play it until 9am friday#it’s sunday#so no actually i haven’t even made it thru the whole weekend without you bothering me the way you always do#i’m not even on it rn bc everytime i go to my room to wait for my dad to be done putting up the tree#he throws a big hissy fit about me waiting in the room on the brand new game i just bought#versus sitting in the living room and just staring at him while he puts it up#like he literally just doesn’t want me to be able to play my game#and he doesn’t want help with the tree either bc then it destroys his whole self martyr complex#so i literally have to just sit here#lyriumsings txt#men are so fucking weird and i can’t stand them#delete later
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feeling misery and despair about going back to work btw. im trying to suppress it and i did a good job but the inevitable is inevitable
#purrs#i had like 3 massive breakdowns at the end of the week incl one on friday when i was off. and then i was like ok. i am literally weak and sh#shaking from all of that let me just pretend none of it happened. and i did!!! i pretended so well that i have felt basicslly normal all#weekend. i played a lot of video games and i even went out twice.. once to a chorus concert on campus (which is big bc being on campus ummmm#is deeply agitating to me rn ♥️) and today to home depot w my family to wander around the plants and hear the birds. i am suppressing things#and i know i am but if i don’t think about thst i feel so normal. except now it’s 11:16 on a sunday night and i have work tomorrow. and i#know most of the horrors are over but there are still so many more fucking horrors ahead. saying goodbye to people i love and anniversaries#of things happening including today being the 4 year anniversary of a certain email lol. and i can FEEL the difference. the way my stomach#is in knots bc weekends are only so long (even long ones) and i can only hold back the horrors for a little while. it’s all temporary. augh.#i literally need like a whole month off i think. idk. work stuff has fucked up my mental health beyond belief this year and it’s so sad bc t#this is my dream job but im in so much mental pain and physical exhaustion constantly and they beget themselves and by the end of the week#im miserable. but the semester is about to end. but what if it doesn’t get better bc EVERY single god damn time we talk about how it’s gonna#get better it quite literally gets worse lol 💖 i can’t im not strong enough. coming up on 5 years here and im not fucking strong enough!#but i will heal eventually i think. i just need the horrors to cease for long enough for me to catch my breath (and other redacted things ♥️
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Well, I’ll probably turn this into a general gaming blog, I’m fixed on WoW rn so it’ll probz be a lot of that. I’ve been housesitting for the past week so I haven’t gotten much gaming in period. As of tomorrow I’ll be returning to my house and you can hopefully expect some more activity on this acc :D
#I don’t play skyblock anymore#too overwhelming and the majority of the community is toxic as FUCK#even ppl who aren’t hardcore no-lifers are just kinda…#weird or assholeish or offensive or just not fun to be around#tumblr is the exception rn I like y’all here but literally anywhere else makes me homicidal
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besties i did it again
#IM SORRY FOR BEING A GAMER!!!#this is who i am <\3#awake at 6 am again#my productivity is at an all time low just cus i like stabbing fake people#please don’t become a habit i am begging myself on the knees and floor#however ac valhalla my betrothed/beloathed#‘viking’ was NOT A TERM DURING THE VIKING ERA AND HAVING THE CHARACTERS REFER TO THEMSELVES AS SUCH IS IMMERSION BREAKING#also drengr’s more common understanding is ‘lad’ or youthful boy NOT!!! ‘COURAGEOUS WARRIOR’#did the writers not realize the word dräng and drengr are eerily similar?#mayhaps even that one is simply a modern version of the old norse word?#because DRÄNG MEANS FARMHAND/YOUNG GUY/LAD#FUCK YOU ACV WRITERS#IF YOURE GONNA ROMANTICIZE THE OLD GODS LANGUAGES YIU BETTER READ UP ON THEIR CHILDREN#BECAUSE WEIRDLY ENOUGH!! WHEN A LANGUAGE IS FROM A TREE; IT CAN BE QUITE EASY TO RELEARN OLDER LANGUAGES FROM THE SAME TREE#BECAUSE IT IS USUALLY JUST A SMALL DIFFERENCE IN SPELLING OR GRAMMATICAL PRONOUNCIATION#IM UNDERCUTTING IT RN BUT AAGGAHAHAHH#this is why i can’t like things <3 as soon as vikings are brought up the historian in me lashes out not unlike a werewolf at a full moon#hilda the show is the only exceptions because it knowingly plays into tropes and fantasizes scandinavian folklore in a good way#amp hibia though…. oh my baby.. vikings never had horns on their helmets<3 *kills you*#sorry for the word vomit#whe. i get this tired pressure forms in my head so something has to come out
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i need another overwatch pro friend to play w. i don’t play comp and i miss playing w like grandmasters.
#personal#i had a friend who was a grandmaster n they’ve been offline for Months#n i feel like it’s rude to message them just to be like uuhh boost me lol#all my friends that r playing rn are like gold n silver#i didn’t realize the power i had……………..#but it’s been a while so i feel like i’m playing like utter fucking ass#and i probs am for the most part#but i can’t tell bc since i don’t play comp i’m getting placed w ppl w little or no ranks#so the games are just soooo fucking assssssss#either stomping or getting stomped#no in between#unless i get the ultra rare good game#where it’s nice n long and actual fights are happening#UGH#THIS GAMES JUST BEEN SO FRUSTRATING#AND ITS HARD TO TELL IF ITS ME OR THE GAME#IM A LUCIO MAIN MAN I CANT CARRY ENTIRE TEAMS AS THE ONLY SUPPORT#😭😭😭😭#and if i do then it’s not even a good game man
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