#dolldolldiary

[dolldoll5987]

The biggest lie was that it gets better.

[dolldoll5987]

I have no friends now. All I do is stay in my room all day because there's nothing to do. I've had depression and anxiety since I was 11. I can't drive because of my anxiety, I can't get a job because of both of those things and get NEETbux, I don't go outside not necessarily because I don't wanna go outside but because there's nothing fun to do. I just walk around the block over and over. I live in a bad neighbourhood, so it's not really safe to go too far. I can go to sum restaurants, stores, gas stations, but none of those are fun and not worth my time. It wouldn't fill this void. Nothing would.

[dolldoll5987]

Is it even normal to not know what to do after high school? Like I feel like it's normal but yet everyone always seems to know what they wanna do after high school and anytime I've said I don't know what to do after it they all look at me like I'm strange. I feel so alienated, and it mentally hurts me.

[dolldoll5987]

I'm finally doing it. I'm k1ll1ng my$3lf.

Dehydration + starvation, and good news is that I'm already a little underweight (by 5 lbs) and I never feel hungry nor thirsty. Something pushed me over the edge. I can't take it anymore.

Look, I have absolutely nothing. Yes, I have a house, a small one and it's by a bad area of town and I'm so scared to go out, but I still try to. I have a family, but not many live nearby, and the few who do I don't like (for a great reason). I only live with my mom, and she's physically falling apart. She's overprotective and won't let me go many places (I'm 19), and she's too broken to take me places, so I'm just suck there. I can go around the block but that's about it. There's nothing nearby besides stores, restaurants, and gas stations. I graduated only 2 months ago but school was all I had.

Because of her overprotective nature, I was never really allowed to hang out with people or really go anywhere after school. To a point, I don't blame her, I was and still am quite a vulnerable person. I have chronic depression, chronic anxiety, anorexia, autism, ADHD, OCD, and anger issues, and I think mild paranoia when it comes to leaving the house. The only thing not officially diagnosed is anorexia and anger issues, which latter you don't really need a diagnosis for, and the former is just obvious at this point. Paranoia, I don't have an official diagnosis for, but I'm paranoid because of how much worse my anxiety has gotten. I think I have derealisation and depersonalisation from my depression as well, but I hate self-diagnosing myself unless it's just blatantly obvious that anyone could tell. Like my anorexia and paranoia.

Medication, therapy, and psych ward visits never helped. I have no friends, I can't drive (and am too anxiety to learn and don't really want to, but I still feel so pathetic bc of it), I can't cook, I can't do laundry, I can't wash dishes, I can't do anything. My mother never taught me these things because I suppose "here, let me teach you," is harder than just being like "I'll do it myself, it's easier." I don't even have the motivation to learn. I don't have the motivation to live. People like me who have been miserable for so long and ruined their life beyond repair deserve death with dignity.

By my own philosophy, there is no meaning to life. You find that for yourself through aspirations, desires, motivation, etc. I don't have anything. I don't want a job because I'm far too mentally unstable for it, and I'd rather die than be forced to work and pay to live this horrible life. I can't go to college because I don't have the motivation for more school, and I was so miserable during middle and high school.

And besides, I legit don't deserve to live. I'm a horrible person. I'm ungrateful, selfish, angry, hateful, pessimistic, and so much more. This isn't untrue because the only two people who care about my existence (my mother being one) have said this, and I agree. The other person was someone whom I've cut significant contact with because I realise I'm too unstable for a relationship and I'm ruining their life too because of it. He said that stuff too (well, most of it). I'm such a despicable human being I can't take it. It's so hard to find the motivation to change when this shitty life drained me of every ounce of motivation I might have once had. And I'm tired of hurting people. I'm doing this to save them, to save myself, and to pay my debt to what I have done.

[dolldoll5987]

There is nothing left for me here, I want to go somewhere else. I want to go home, but it was taken away and I can never get it back.

[dolldoll5987]

Why do they never shut up about graduating high school? By "they," I mean the school. I get that it's a huge deal or whatever (even though I personally feel nothing from it) but like... it's been like this for MONTHS.

It makes me depressed thinking about it. I have no dreams, no friends, no form of socialising besides school, but even then I isolate myself. It creates a unique situation in which I hate school and want it to finally end, but simultaneously not wanting it to end, because even though I hate it, it's all I have. I feel so empty. I should feel happy. I don't. I only feel numb, all of the time.

It's like every day they talk about it. Senior breakfast, senior picnic (last day of school), gown ordering (in DECEMBER), senior meeting here, there, left, right, centre. I am aware that I am the minority of people who are not hyped about it, but... I don't know. I still don't think this much attention towards it is proportional. Not to mention them CONSTANTLY asking me how excited I feel about graduating and what I want to do after I graduate. Uh... die??? I will literally km$ after high school, like I've been trying to do for the last 7 years. Maybe I'll just let the ED kill me. Whatever it takes to end my miserable and pointless existence. The thought of school ending for summer break is exciting, but the idea of graduating forever is daunting. School has sorta always been the only thing I had. When I get home I don't really talk to anyone besides my mother with whom I share a house, but nobody else. No siblings. No friends. I don't want a job either. I'm too drained from life to gain the energy to work, and besides... what's the point of attaining a job for financial benefits to pay for a horrible life I don't even want?

I just want to isolate myself forever in my room and rot away, is that too much?

[dolldoll5987]

"Oh, you've been su1c1dal since you were 11? TOO BAD, NOW THAT YOU'RE OLDER, YOU'LL HAVE TO PAY AND WORK TO LIVE AND IF YOU KY$ YOU'LL BE SENT TO A MENTAL HOSPITAL AND HAVE TO PAY FOR IT"

[dolldoll5987]

I've been su1c1dal for as long as I can remember, and I hate it. I've wanted to kms since I was at least 11, and much before that is just a blur. All I remember is my family arguing, punishing me, school being a living hell, and trips to the doctor. I remember the stays at mental hospitals (age 13, 14, and 15). That's all I f*cking remember. Why? What's wrong with me? I have no happiest memory literally all I remember is bad.

[dolldoll5987]

I'm sorry I lack the motivation to do my school assignments. It takes so much to get the energy to get out of bed, knowing I'll just go home and cry knowing I'll have to do it again and again. I'm sorry.

[dolldoll5987]

I lost the only friend I've had in 4 years. She didn't even tell me bye. I don't have her number or anything so I can't stay in contact. Some part of me wonders that for how immediate it was that she didn't have the time to tell me bye but she had her friend (who I personally don't like) tell me that she said hi. Um. What about fucking saying goodbye? Saying you're never coming back? I'm not even supposed to know this, I only know because I overheard her friend tell the bus driver and say she was told not to tell anyone. I hate fake people. Why does everyone leave me???

[dolldoll5987]

Graduating high school is not worth celebration, it's worth the exact opposite.

As a senior in high school I get bombarded with questions like what I'm going to do after I graduate, like go to college or get a job. I've been suicidal since I was 11, all I want to do is die, which is what I've been trying to do for the last 7 years. I suppose my last fleeting hope was that after school was done I could finally just relax. Now I'm kinda hit with the pressure to do something else... when I don't want to. I mean, sure, being a productive and contributing member of society is all fine and brilliant when you actually have the will to. For the last 7 years all I've had the motivation to do is try to figure out how and get the courage to kill myself. I don't have the energy to go to school, but do because I have this crippling fear that if I miss just one day I'll fail and have to repeat this year of torture.

I suppose what I'm getting at is if all there is in life is to either get a job or go to school to be able to get a job you want (...depending what it is, I suppose), still labour in a way, all for money just to pay to live — what's the point if you don't want to live? Like, it's all work and payments for something I didn't ask for, and didn't want. Why would I put so much energy into that?

Also, I'd like to make a point to say that when I say there's nothing else in life besides that is hyperbolic in its own right. There are friends, family, hobbies/aspirations, whatever. None of these make me happy. I have few friends and no energy to socialise anyway, my family sucks, and I have no aspirations or hobbies. I mean okay I like reading, writing, drawing, and gaming and have a niche interests in things like criminology, forensics, medicine, science, and other stuff, but not enough to make it into a living. Well, maybe, but I definitely don't have the energy to. I'd need more school, and school is the definition of Hell for me. In a lot of ways it made my depression and eating disorder worst, although I do not blame them entirely for these events. I take blame where I need to. My fault for isolating myself (due to lack of energy to socialise, which isn't my fault, but I still made the choice to do what I did), my fault for resorting to an eating disorder as a desperate distraction and to feel good about myself for once. It's my fault, I get it.

Teachers and other staff ask me if I'm excited to graduate and I'm like. Well. I say yes but it's mixed feelings. It's odd, I hate school and want to get out, but when I do that I have nothing else. I don't have the smarts or motivation for college, and I don't see the point in getting a job to labour away and pay to live when I don't even want to be here anyway. I don't hate learning, I just don't like how schools teach. Maybe I'm pedantic about it, but there have been some teachers that give us easy work loads and easy classwork in itself and still managed to leave me feeling like my time was being used well there because 1) I had fun for once, and 2) I actually remembered what I learnt. I wish more people teach like they do. Now I just feel like a big ball of lost potential because I've had so many people tell me I'm smart and even at genius levels yet I never use it in a good way I always do it to detriment myself.

I don't know. Not everything has a good ending, especially not this. I plan on offing myself after I graduate, which is soon. I won't do it immediately after I graduate, probably.

I just. Ugh. I want to cry. I should be happy about graduating, but I can't be. All I can think about is how everyone else has their lives figured out - going to college, getting a job, whatever, while I'll be by myself with no friends, no life, no potential, and bored out of my mind but with no energy to start something. Even then, nothing interests me socially. I hate social interaction to the point of isolating myself entirely just to avoid it, which is a bad thing to do probably, but socialising causes me pain. I feel so different from everyone else and that I'm too weird and people are only ever nice out of pity or deception.

It seems that when I'm very bored, I get the most suicidal. With nothing to distract me I realise how dull and shallow my life is compared to everyone else's. Everyone else has friends, everyone else has at least some happiness, yet here I am with a chronic 😐 expression to the point people constantly ask what's wrong/if I'm okay when it's only my resting face. It's annoying having to always answer. Like... no, I'm not okay, but for the sake of this conversation, yes. I wish I could just disappear forever.

I don't want advice, I don't want help, I don't even want to make it better. I've been on meds and in therapy from ages 7-15, and it didn't help me at all, even made it worse sometimes. My life was doomed from the beginning, and since late 2019 it's gotten so, so much worse. Please, I just want it to end. When will the malnutrition that I've been experiencing for half a year finally just kill me? When will this all end? I want it to end. I want to die. Please.

[dolldoll5987]

"Get help"

Indeed, that works when pills and psychotherapy actually has an effect on you.

I don't know, I guess I was too obsessed with dy1ng to care to listen to anyone's advice. Maybe that's my fault, I don't know.

[dolldoll5987]

49 more days. Please let it end already. Please. It doesn't sound like a lot, compared to the other 133 days I've dealt with, but it truly is.

[dolldoll5987]

I wish to return to the crimson skies.

[dolldoll5987]

I am sick and tired of people just assuming depression can be solved by medications or psychotherapy.

I will not deny that they do help some people, maybe even the majority of them, but not all. I have tried to kill myself since I was 11, and was diagnosed with MDD at 13 years old (and probably had it since 11-12 years old). I took nearly every med under the sun. Wellbutrin, Zoloft, everything. I never felt better. I was in therapy as well, it did not help either. Partly because I did not speak for myself much, partly because I was simply too hopeless. No words or drugs can fix my situation, and evidently, nor can they change how I see this cold, cruel world.

One day, when I was 15, I was tired of it all. Since I was 7 years old I had been to doctors (for ADHD) and took meds and everything. Tired of the drugs' side effects, tired of it not helping, tired of the appointments. I spent hours of my childhood life in doctors' offices instead of just being able to enjoy life like a normal kid.

I can't get that time back and it just hurts. I don't want to grow up. Give those years back. I wasted them by trying to end it, or by others trying to "fix" me when I was already broken. I wish I died when I was a child so I could have remained as one forever.

[dolldoll5987]

I'm like... rlly tired of this girl Maddy... 🚫🧢