#doesn’t it make you sad you can’t accept someone as is? it’s so simple to just. appreciate people

[www-pinkhearse]

It’s becoming more and more worrisome to me that “gay men love women more then straight men” is becoming more and more real like I know there’s more nuance of course there is always but I’ll see gay men make videos with their gal pals like “I’m so lucky I’m not straight because I would never be able to choose between these amazing angels” meanwhile straight men will call women’s peach fuzz a “beard” and complain that their wives aren’t Skateboard thin AFTER GIVING FUCKING BIRTH

[not-neverland06]

I don't know why I bite

Logan howlett x fem!reader

a/n: Had Mitski’s ‘I Bet on Losing Dogs’ on a loop while writing this, now I’m sad Inspired by the isle of dogs quote “I’m not a violent dog, I don’t know why I bite” BECAUSE OUCH (they’re both toxic, fair warning) bittersweet ending Summary: You've tried for so long to get Logan to accept you the way he does the others. You want so desperately to be someone who means something to him. But he doesn't want you, maybe he never has. And you both seem to be stuck in this loop of hurting each other.

You’re stability, security, but you’re never comfort. Try as you might, you just can’t get Logan to accept you. You want to. So desperately, you want to be something good for him. But he hates you, or at the very least, he can’t stand you. 

You don’t know what it is about Jean that he craves, but you wish you could replicate it. You’re not your friend, though, you never will be. And it’s pathetic, trying to change yourself to make someone else happy. You’ve never done that before. Yet, there is something about Logan that you want so desperately to help. 

You clean his wounds, metaphorically because he’s never once needed anyone for that. You lift him up after a rough mission and you remind him that the team does need him. They do love him. They want him in that uniform beside them, even Scott. 

You have your suspicions that he doesn’t appreciate your efforts. He’s never outright said anything to you. But you can tell the novelty of your kindness is wearing off. He used to brush your efforts off with a simple look. 

But he’s begun to be mean, saying these little things that you can never completely call out. A lot of what he says is based in truth. “Do you ever stop talking?” No, you don’t. You like talking with your friends, like sharing stories, and laughing together. 

“Has anyone ever told you to fuck off?” Yes, and it hurt. And it continues to hurt. “Why don’t you just shut up for once?” You can’t. You can’t because if you stop talking, if you stop distracting yourself then you’ll actually feel everything. You can’t stop talking, you can’t stop taking care of others because you cannot take care of yourself. You’re incapable of it. 

You can’t say that he’s being rude or mean. He’s just being blunt, and gruff, that’s just how he is. That’s what everyone tells you. They tell you to just ignore when he’s being a dick because he doesn’t really mean it. That’s just what he does because he doesn’t know any other way. 

You shouldn’t have listened. You shouldn’t have placed so much faith in others. You should have just left him alone. Maybe then he wouldn’t have snapped, wouldn’t have said such cruel things to you. 

It broke you a little inside. Hearing what he really thought of you. Despite it all, despite the cruel words and harsh attitude, you had hope. You thought they were all right, that he just needed to warm up to you. And you so desperately just wanted to be something for him to lean on because you’ve never had that before and you know what it feels like to be so lonely. 

“Hey, Logan.” You step into the kitchen, rooting around in the fridge for something to snack on. “Weren’t there apples in here?” You’re talking aloud, but it’s meant for yourself. 

It’s that moment that it all finally comes crashing down. This pathetic illusion that he wants anything to do with you or your friendship. It almost makes you laugh, that this mundane moment is when you feel your heart shatter in your chest. When you get so sick to your stomach your bones ache and your limbs tingle with this odd phantom pain. 

“Could you just shut up?” his voice is low as he leans over the counter. His fingers spin idly around the neck of a beer bottle. You wonder how he managed to sneak it in here, Charles has banned alcohol. You watch the condensation collect on the cracks of his palm and shrug the pain off. 

You’re used to this. This is normal. “Right,” you squeeze past him and look in the pantry. “Sorry,” you whisper, if you speak any louder your voice will crack and that will just make everything worse. 

“You’re just always around, aren’t you?” You glance over your shoulder at him but you don’t respond. Deny it as much as he wants, you have gotten to know him. You recognize the tells. 

He’s had a bad day, he needs a way to get it out of his system. You just happened to walk into the kitchen at the wrong time. It could be anyone he snaps at, but today it’s you. Which seems to be happening more often. 

You do what you did when you were a kid, eyes forward, face flat. You keep yourself neutral, let yourself sink into that apathetic place so whatever he yells at you doesn’t hurt. “You tiptoe around me, act like I’m this wounded stray you need to fix.” 

Your brows pinch in confusion and you shake your head. Second mistake. You shouldn’t have walked into the kitchen in the first place. And you definitely shouldn’t have argued. “No, Logan, that’s not true-”

Although, maybe he has a point. You can’t fix yourself so you try and fix him. 

“I don’t know why they keep you around. You contribute nothing, you do nothing for any of us. We can’t even take you out on the field,” his voice begins to raise and you find yourself backing into the cabinets, hating the way this is beginning to make you feel. “You’re so fucking sensitive we can’t trust that you won’t just kill us all if something goes wrong! You don’t deserve a spot on this team!”

You jump back as he shouts at you, hip jamming into the corner of the island so hard you have to bite your lip so you don’t make a noise. Spit flies from the corners of his mouth, the ferocity of his voice and words are that strong. 

You take in a few quick breaths, blinking the sting out of your eyes and focusing on the wall behind him. “Get it through your thick fuckin’ skull,” he warns, his voice quieter now. “I don’t want you around. Leave me alone.”

You don’t cry, you can’t cry. You don’t speak because you’re afraid of what other cruelties that might provoke. Maybe you would understand all this if you’d been bugging him when he’d already made it clear he needed space. All you wanted was a fucking apple. 

You don’t feel much of anything as you slowly nod your head, not agreeing but appeasing. He watches you with something like surprise on his face. You don’t know that he’s wondering why you’re not saying anything back. 

It’s why he yells at you when he doesn’t know what to do. You can take it, you can put him in his place. But you’re not speaking and he doesn’t know why this time is so different. 

Finally, you turn on your heel and leave, footsteps soft as you retreat back to your room. Logan watches you go with an odd twisting feeling in his stomach. He didn’t think you could be pushed too far. You seem to always just have this endless patience. 

You treat him gently, even when the others get sick of the way he processes things. Today was hard, you just happened to be nearby. He didn’t mean half of what he said. He doesn’t know why he lashes out the way he does, he just doesn’t know what else to do. 

He doesn’t like it, contrary to what the others think. He doesn’t like hurting you or being mean to you. He doesn’t know what it is about you that provokes this side of him that no one else does. Maybe it’s because he’s afraid. He can’t say what he’s afraid of, he’s never been able to admit it to himself. 

He’s yelled at you plenty of times before. You don’t know what it is about that one day that was so different. Normally, it doesn’t bother you. You’ll set him straight or give him space. But today, it was needless. You weren’t doing anything. 

You didn’t deserve to be lashed out like that, cornered and scared in the place you call home. 

It was unprovoked and maybe it finally made you see him for what he really is. A bully. It doesn’t make sense, how he can be so kind and caring to Marie. How he can help Jean and Ororo so sweetly, but can’t muster one kind fucking word for you. 

You don’t let yourself cry, even though you want to. Even though there’s a cloying, suffocating feeling clawing its way up the back of your throat. His room is on the same hall as yours and you don’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he made you cry. 

You, at the very least, finally stop asking yourself what you did wrong. Instead, you start to wonder what’s wrong with him. You get sick to your stomach, thinking about all the ways you cared for him. Remembering how much of yourself you gave up to make him happy. 

He was right about that, you are pathetic. He never deserved your help or your patience. You should never have offered him any grace. You’re embarrassed that you didn’t see it sooner. This isn’t a little boy pulling your pigtails because he likes you. This is a grown man who can’t regulate his emotions and decided you were the next best punching bag. 

You take in a few deep, shaky breaths and close your eyes until you’re forced to fall asleep. You don’t want to think or feel any of what just happened.

Logan hovers in front of your doorway for ten minutes before he heads downstairs. He’s got a class to run, he doesn’t have time to wait for you to wake up, he reasons. He’ll find you later and apologize then. 

It didn’t take a genius to realize he had gone too far yesterday. Even if you could take his usual level of dickishness, you didn’t deserve it. He just didn’t know what to do around you. You made him confront so many different conflicting emotions. It’s like every time he looks at you his brain is being ripped in twenty different directions and he doesn’t know what to do. 

You’re so endlessly patient and gracious. It makes him realize he wants to be a better man and he can’t be. He resents you slightly for that. For having such a wonderful idea of what he could be, even though he knows he can never be that man.  

He doesn’t find you that day. He makes up enough excuses that he goes to bed promising himself he’ll apologize tomorrow. Which he never does. Because actually saying it would be an admittance that he knows what he did was wrong. And what does that make every other time he’s yelled at you? What does that make him?

It returns to the same cycle it always does. He waits a few days until things are cooled down and you’ll have already forgotten about it. He starts to feel overwhelmed and he goes to find you because you always know what to do. And if you don’t, then you provide an outlet. 

He spots the back of your head in the gardens. You’re with Jean and he expects the usual dirty look she gives him after you’ve both fought. Instead, she smiles warmly at him and waves. Which is odd, usually you tell her about what’s happened between the two of you and she holds the grudge longer than you do. 

You glance over your shoulder, a small smile on your lips, to see who she’s waving at. Logan sees the way it falls when you see him and his steps falter. You never do that, you always look so happy to see him. 

“Jean,” he greets curtly, eyes on you. 

She says hello and they both look to you. Normally, you would have already spoken. But you don’t, you turn your eyes to the kids. Jean frowns and turns back to him, “Everything alright, Logan?” 

He can’t take his eyes off of you. You read his moods, and know them better than he does. You should have already offered to talk. Maybe he really does need to apologize. The thought leaves a sour taste in his mouth. 

He says your name and your brows just barely raise in question, though you couldn’t seem less interested. “Need to talk to you.”

You shrug, “Sorry, can’t. I’ve got a meeting to get to.” You brush past him and walk back into the mansion. He and Jean both watch you go, each of them shocked by how dismissive you were. That’s never happened before. 

“What the fuck did you do?” Jean demands, the smile gone from her face and her tone deadly. She glares at him, clearly expecting an answer. But he doesn’t have one. Because this is something he’s done a million times and this has never happened. He doesn’t know what’s gone wrong. 

He thought your absence would be a relief. After a few more days he begins to realize that he was wrong. He thought that not having someone constantly badgering him to be better and set good examples for the kids would be a relief. 

There’s no one nagging him. No one forcibly checking on him after a mission when he doesn’t need it. No one to care. 

There are chunks of his day that you would normally fill that now seem to drag on. Lunches are quiet without you constantly rambling about nothing in his ear. When there’s friction among the team and they’re ganging up on him, you remain silent. He supposes he should be grateful. 

You finally listened to him for once. But he’s angry. He always seems to be angry and he doesn’t understand why. There is so much of his mind and life that was stolen from him. He wonders if he got any of it back if it would explain why he is the way he is. 

It doesn’t matter because it wouldn’t fix what he can’t undo. He sees you with the others constantly. You’re always laughing, always happy. Like nothing’s happened. Like you haven’t cut him out of your life completely. And then, when you’re around him, it’s like a switch is flipped. 

You’re irritatingly silent. Practically a brick wall. He pokes and he prods, using every weapon in his arsenal to try and provoke a reaction from you. But you give him nothing. 

There is an ache in his chest when he sees the way your smile drops when he walks into a room. He doesn’t understand the feeling. This is exactly what he wanted. To be left alone. 

It feels so wrong. 

It happens in the kitchen again. Odd, that that’s become such an important place to you. 

Your back is to the entrance and you’re busy slicing up some fruit for yourself. You don’t hear him come in. Not until he speaks. “I’m-” you jump at the sound of his voice. Whirling around with a shocked look on your face. 

He chuckles a little at the reaction but when you don’t smile he stops. “I’m sorry,” he blurts out. It sounds semi genuine. But it also sounds like it hurt him to say. “I’m sorry, so can you please just stop ignoring me?”

You shrug and go back to cutting up the fruit. “I’m not ignoring you.”

“No?” He demands. “Then why don’t you talk to me? Why don’t we eat lunch together anymore? You can’t even fucking look at me.”

You slam the knife down on the cutting board, taking in a deep breath so you don’t do something you regret. Your nails dig into your palms, trying to center yourself. “I’m doing exactly what you wanted,” you utter, voice low. 

You turn just enough to make eye contact. “I’m leaving you the fuck alone. That’s what you wanted right? I don’t think I could have misheard while you were screaming it at me.” You turn to leave, abandoning your fruit because you don’t have an appetite anymore. 

“I didn’t mean it,” he whispers before you can make it out of the kitchen. “I,” he stops and starts again, “I miss you. I’m not a mean person, I don’t know why I hurt you.”

You stare at him, face unflinching. You give him nothing and he knows it's what he deserves. “I don’t deserve your forgiveness, and I’m not asking for it-”

“Good,” you cut him off with a disgusted sneer. “Because I’m not looking to hand it out. Especially not to you. You only want me because you miss what I do for you. You don’t deserve my forgiveness. You don’t deserve me.” You turn on your heel and walk away from him, unwilling to entertain any more conversation. 

This is what you’ve always done. When someone hurts you, really irrevocably hurts you, they’re gone. They’re gone from your life. From your mind. More importantly, your heart. You don’t have any obligations to entertain him or speak with him outside of professionalism. 

You thought cutting him out of your life would hurt more. But it’s like you can breathe for the first time in months. You’re no longer striving to gain someone’s approval. You’re not chasing after something you’ll never catch. 

You can find happiness within yourself. Begin to do the things you would do for him, for you. It’s a relief. And a little sobering. Perhaps, in your mission to help him, you’d burdened him with the desires you had for yourself. 

You believe that you’re unfixable. You believe there are facets of yourself that are too dark to face. That you are undeserving of love and kindness. You recognized those things in Logan and tried to force on him what you’ve always wanted for yourself. 

It was wrong. A mutually toxic relationship that never would have made it far had anything actually happened between you two. You can’t paint yourself the victim and you never meant to. It’s why you didn’t tell anyone what happened between the two of you. 

They wonder, of course, why you no longer spend lunches together. Why you no longer rush to defend him when he doesn’t need the help. Why you don’t smile around him anymore. There are questions that you deflect. Saying, you just needed space from each other. 

Your harm was a silent one. Forcing him into a mold he was never going to fit in. Despite the claims of loneliness, you can see the way your absence benefits him. He’s calmer, less likely to yell when provoked. He just needed the space to find himself. Not to have someone try and make him something new. 

You feel an ache in your chest when you think about how differently things could have been had you just let him be. If you had let things happen between the two of you naturally then maybe you really could have been something great. 

A month goes by without speaking to each other. After that day in the kitchen, he seems to understand that there’s no putting back together what was broken. It was already cracked to start with, the break was inevitable. 

You warm slowly to him. Give him polite greetings when you see him. And he smiles at you sometimes, on the jet when Scott says something ridiculous, or just in passing. It’s nice, being a stranger to him. It’s comforting. 

“We need to stop meeting like this.”

You look up from the paperwork in front of you and give Logan a small smile. He’s hovering in the entrance to the kitchen and you know he’s waiting for your permission. “Hi,” you say softly.

He takes that as the go-ahead and walks in, heading for the fridge. You listen to him rummage around before he pulls out a beer. “Where do you hide those things?” You ask, and you almost bite your tongue. This is the most you’ve spoken to each other in a long time. It feels wrong to joke so easily. 

“Can’t tell you or Wheels is gonna stop me,” he grumbles. You just nod and turn your head back to your paperwork. It’s silent for a few minutes after that. He sits a little further down the island, nursing the beer while your pen scratches across the reports your students gave you. 

He clears his throat and you glance over at him from the corner of your eye. “I,” he starts but quickly closes his mouth. “Ah, forget it.”

Your brows pinch in confusion but you decide to leave it. You oddly don’t feel scared or anxious. You don’t worry that he’s going to snap at you if you provoke him. You choose not to because you’re not interested in engaging. 

You don’t really recognize the man before you. Maybe it’s because you never tried to get to know him before you tried changing him. It causes that familiar clenching feeling of guilt in your gut. 

You know if you gave him a chance things would be different. You could be friends, real friends. There’s a reason you latched so readily onto him. There’s a familiar pain in him that’s reflected back in you. 

You stand up, shuffling the papers into a neat stack and pushing your stool in. Logan straightens up as he watches you wash off your dishes and collect your items. Before you can make it out of the kitchen he’s standing from his chair. 

He stops in front of you, hand outstretched before him. “Logan,” he greets. 

You tilt your head in confusion, glancing between him and his hand before it finally clicks what he’s trying to do. Start over, reintroduce yourselves. Actually give each other chances to understand the other. 

This all started because you shared the same pain and you resented each other for it. But you could comfort each other instead. Be pillars of stability and strength in each other’s lives instead of trying to tear the other down so you don’t see yourself in them anymore. 

You were both too afraid to face who you truly are and it nearly destroyed you. But this is a stranger in front of you. You don’t know this man, but you think you’d like to. You give him your name and shake his hand firmly. “Nice to meet you,” you whisper, a slight joke to your tone. 

He holds on for a second longer than he should, the breath rushing out of him like he hadn’t thought you would accept. You smile softly at him before you pass by to go upstairs. His hand lingers on your, skin tingling under your touch until you can no longer hold on. 

You don’t know what it means for you, this odd new truce between the two of you. But you won’t linger on that tonight. You’ll go to bed feeling comforted that for the first time since you’ve met him, Logan has made you happy. 

a/n: felt more like a diary entry than a fic, sorry lol

end. — I do not own the characters or the comics/movies Wolverine/X-Men, but this writing is my own all rights reserved © not-neverland06 2024. do not copy, repost, translate & recommend elsewhere.

General Taglist: @evasmlp

Logan Taglist:  @nonamevenus @smexy-bucky-waifu @wh1sp @peony-always ♡

[benjinotes]

too sweet for me // strong family hcs ?

omg i was waiting for this! (modern au, reader is dating benjicot) based on this!

rhaenyra and harwin had a happy marriage for several years and had four children together: jace, you, luke, and joffrey.

eventually, they chose to have a peaceful divorce, maintaining a respectful and supportive relationship for the sake of you and your brothers.

even after the separation, your parents made a concerted effort to have dinner or lunch with you regularly, ensuring they stayed involved in your lives.

as their only daughter, harwin and rhaenyra make a concerted effort to engage in activities with you, ensuring you don't feel left out. they always dedicate time to try hobbies you enjoy or simply spend quality time with you.

they always spent christmas and other celebrations together with all of you, to avoid forcing any of the children to choose between their parents. although daemon isn't fond of this arrangement, he accepts it for your mother's sake.

you are extremely spoiled by your parents in every aspect of your life, as well as by your siblings and even your stepfather, although he wouldn’t admit it openly. whether it’s a holiday or not, you always receive rewards, whether you pass a test or not, because no one in your family likes to see you sad. :(

and since we're talking about spoiling, we can’t overlook your maternal grandparents! aemma and viserys adore pampering their grandchildren and especially enjoy having them visit. they simply want to keep their grandchildren close.

you and your siblings often argue about who is the grandparents' favorite. (it’s you)

speaking of siblings...

you and luke are the middle siblings in the family. you're just a year younger than jace and three years older than luke, which means you and jace have a closer bond.

although you have a closer relationship with your older brother, this doesn’t mean your bond with your other siblings is affected—in fact, quite the opposite! luke often turns to you for help with his homework or advice on girls or boys—who better to guide him than his older sister, right?

joffrey, on the other hand… he’s a bit of a troublemaker, and you’ve lost count of how many times you’ve had to help your mother when he wouldn’t calm down or screamed until his throat hurt. but despite his chaotic behavior, he’s so adorable that you can’t stay upset with him. i mean—have you seen his little eyes? 😞

jace is a different case. you and him were always close; you were like his shadow, and he was like yours, always going to your school events just as you go to his games. he is your best friend and advisor, however—oh boy—he’s extremely protective. (harwin is proud of this)

and when you started dating one of his friends, his protectiveness skyrocketed to 200%.

jace had to do his best to control himself and avoid hitting someone when he saw you and benji kissing near the college locker room. you swore you had never seen him so red with anger and embarrassment; it was a sight you will never forget.

it was a memorable moment for you, since annoying your brothers always made you laugh, and seeing your boyfriend embarrassed for the first time felt like a double gift.

yet, you still begged your brother not to say anything to your father, fearing that he might remove benji from the team. and even though you knew it was unlikely, you weren’t willing to take the risk.

however, it didn’t last long, as within two weeks your father discovered that his beloved daughter was dating one of his players and called him into his office for a little talk. benji pissed himself.

it was a simple quiz that your dad already knew the answers to. but hey, as a coach, he only had those answers for his job; he felt it was his duty to play the overprotective father too—after all, you’re his baby!

wait until harwin finds out that his baby fucks with her boyfriend; at any change she has —

anyways — your mother, on the other hand, was thrilled when you told her you were dating. however, from the warning glance she gaves benji time to time, it was clear she wouldn’t hesitate to run him over with her car if he ever harmed her only daughter. (jokes on you, rhaenyra, but i think benji would prefer being run over rather than hurting you.) after all, you were her little girl. :’(

as incredible as it may seem, luke, despite witnessing harwin, jace, and even daemon’s murmurs of disgust at the sight of you and your problematic boyfriend, he actually liked him, which made you quite happy.

joffrey also liked benji, but that wasn’t much of a surprise to you, given that he seemed to like anyone who gave him attention.

your family was quite chaotic, but you loved them for it, and perhaps that was why benjicot was so nervous about the dinner your mom had invited him to.

part 2 preview

[nicka-nell]

omg ur taking requests!

can you do some angst to fluff with Atsumu, Iwaizumi, Suna, Kuroo, Ushijima, and Sakusa (I’m sorry if they’re too many you can choose whoever you want to write about from these characters, I luv all of them soooo much)

Can you make it like really really Angsty in the start. Like the characters doing something they’ll regret a lot and then they spend a lot of efforts making up for it? Please make it fluffy in the end, I can’t handle sad endings 😭

Also please don’t include anything with infidelity or mentions of it. My boyfriend of 3 years cheated on me last month and I’m having such a hard time.

Thank you for considering my request. And there’s no pressure to accept, I don’t mind at all.

Hi! yes I am taking requests right now. 😇 First of all, I'm so sorry that you had such a negative experience. But tbh, you're better off this way. Nobody needs such an ass cheating on them! 😔😤 My ex did that too, with my ex-best friend btw. I also had a hard time but quickly felt better because I realised that it's a waste of time to cry over such a dick. I hope you don't lose hope in a healthy relationship based on trust. There really are good people out there and I hope you find someone who can appreciate you. Sending you a lot of hugs and kisses. 🤗💚❤️‍🩹

And for your request. I've written three stories for Tsumu, Iwa and Suna. Unfortunately they got a bit tooo long for my taste, so I only made these 3. I hope that's okay. I really had problems making it super angsty (urg, I need more practice for angsty stuff 😵‍💫). As you wished, I didn't include anything with cheating (even though I had a few ideas haha.) and I also added a trigger warning before each story. I think Iwa's and Suna's in particular might be a bit darker... so you can decide on your own if you want to continue reading it or not. Anyway, I hope you still like it, and thanks for your request. Stay healthy! 🥰💚

Regretting their actions

Pairing: Atsumu x, Iwaizumi x, Suna x reader

Warning: angst to fluff, break-up (Atsumu, Suna), mention of abuse/anger issues, mention of blood (Iwaizumi), mention of abortion, mention of drugs/pills (Suna)

Part 1 | Part 2 (End)

tw: mention of break-up

You met Atsumu when he came to his brother’s onigiri store for the housewarming.

The two of you got along well quickly. And it wasn’t long before he kissed you at a party, looked at you with his cheeky grin and said, “Tastes better than a victory.”

More things happened that night. Not just simple kisses and when you woke up next to him in bed, he asked you, still sleepy: “You’re my girlfriend now, aren’t you?”

You’ve been together for several years now and were thinking about moving in together soon when Atsumu’s career suddenly took off. He was traveling abroad more often and had less time for you or looking for an apartment.

And then it happened…

You scroll through the apartment search app for something suitable for the two of you, lying on the bed while missing him terribly. You close the app to go to your messenger, only to realize that you were the one who last texted Atsumu... two days ago… Two blue check marks indicate that he has read your messages but has not replied. Your fingers hover over the keypad of your phone and you think about writing to him. Maybe he read your message during training and didn’t have time to reply. Maybe he just forgot about it afterwards... maybe...

“Hey Tsumu... I know you’re busy but, I hope you’re doing well. Love you.” you type into your phone and send the message with a strange feeling in your stomach. It doesn’t take long before you see under his name that he is online. The gray check marks next to your message turn blue, but instead of replying, you see that he went offline again. You swallow a big lump down your throat, your heart feels heavy. Maybe he can’t answer you right now... you try to convince yourself again.

Several hours pass as you sink your head into your pillow and try to stifle your tears. Atsumu’s sports t-shirt is in your arms, which he had given you before his trip abroad. Time passes and suddenly you hear the ringtone of your phone as a message arrives. Your heart hits loud against your chest as you reach for your phone and see your boyfriend’s name. But your joy quickly disappears, the lump in your throat gets bigger and you can’t breathe. 

>> Hey... listen, I think it’s better if we end the relationship… break up. I don’t know, but I just don’t have time for it. I’ll see you around. <<

It feels like a slap in the face. As if this is a poor joke. You want to write to him, ask him what this is all about, but your tears blur your vision. The only thing you send is a “really?” but the message is no longer read. It remains on one gray check mark.

Two days go by and you still think it was all a bad joke, but every time you read his message, you feel like throwing up. Has he really dumped the whole relationship? By a shitty text message? You open your Instagram account and enter his name almost as if on autopilot.

Another slap in the face as your tears run down your cheeks again. His bio no longer says “Best setter and proud boyfriend” but simply “Setter MSBY Black Jackal”. All the pictures he had with you on his account have been deleted. Instead, you can only see advertising photos or private photos of him. The last eight pictures are of him, Hinata and Bokuto dancing and having fun with fans in different bars. Atsumu grins at the camera as if he doesn’t care about you at all. As if your relationship meant nothing to him.

You text him some more times, leave him voicemails because he never answers your calls. But after a few days, you let it go. It only frustrates you even more to see how little this relationship actually meant to him. For days, you cry yourself to sleep, what doesn’t go unnoticed by Osamu. After all, he sees you three times a week when you help him out in his store. When you tell him what has happened, he is also speechless, because Atsumu has really pissed him off with all his raving about you. So why would he break-up with you out of the blue? Osamu can’t see you as devastated as a heap of misery. So he also tries to find out the reason for the break-up between you and his silly brother. But when he calls him, Atsumu only faces him coldly on the phone. “Did she tell you to ask me? Leave it okay? I think I just realized that I don’t want a relationship.”

Two months go by and somehow you still can’t believe that your relationship just fell apart. Osamu tries to distract you somehow, but it doesn’t help because he reminds you too much of your idiot ex-boyfriend.

Nevertheless, you are grateful to Osamu for swapping your shift with his coworker’s shift so that you can open the store with him in the morning. That way, you avoid running into Atsumu, who is more likely to be in the restaurant in the evening as soon as he returns from his stay abroad. You’re not ready to face him at the moment.

Just as you’re about to finish work, you remember that you wanted to show Osamu a video on your phone. “Look, the new trailer for the second season of this soccer series is out. Shall we watch the first episode together on Saturday after work?” you ask Osamu as he approaches you and looks over your shoulder. He rests his hand on the counter next to you, his chest almost touching your back, but he keeps his distance from you respectfully. You are both focused on the trailer, not hearing the doorbell from the store.

Atsumu is tired. The flight was delayed, and he hasn’t been able to sleep properly for weeks. How could he sleep well with all the partying and Hinata as his roommate, who spent the night in the hotel calling his friends from Karasuno. At least that’s what he tells himself… that this is the reason for his sleepless nights. But this thought vanishes when he steps into his brother’s store hungry, actually only wanting to eat a few onigiris and then go home. Into his apartment. His empty, dreary apartment. But as he walks through the door of the store, it feels as if someone has hit his chest with full force, knocking the air out of him.

He sees Osamu leaning towards you with a sense of familiarity. What’s going on there? And why does it bother him so much that you giggle and look at Osamu, who returns your gaze with a nod and a smile before turning to the door? His brother winces when he sees Atsumu. As you turn around as well, your smile disappears.

You look at Atsumu as if you’ve just seen a corpse, before packing your bag and saying goodbye to Osamu with a “See you tomorrow.”, only to walk past Atsumu with quick steps. You don’t even give him a glance, knowing that if you locked eyes with him, your tears would run. You would want to ask him questions upon questions. Why did you break up with me? Why am I not enough for you? Why did you lie to me for so long? Why...

As you walk through the door, you accidentally bump into him. This nudge, which was actually rather gentle, felt so painful. Why does it bother Atsumu to see you standing so close to his brother? Why does it hurt him that you stared at him with those empty eyes, as if he were a stranger? No. Worse, as if he were someone who had hurt you. Why does he have the feeling that he couldn’t make a sound if he opened his mouth now? The answer is simple, and even Atsumu seems to understand it by now as he looks from the now closed door over to Osamu, who stares at him with an indifferent expression crossing his arms in front of his chest. “So this is what someone who has realized that he doesn’t want a relationship looks like? Ya look like shit.”

Oh, how Atsumu would love to punch Osamu in the face. “Why are ya touchin’ my girl?” is bitter on his tongue, but he has no right to say it out loud. After all, he was the one who turned you down. The blonde Miya suddenly realizes how incredibly stupid his action was.

Back then, Atsumu had not expected to be traveling abroad so often. At first, it was only temporary stays. Nothing that would damage a relationship.

But the last few times in particular, he was sometimes away for several months. You kept telling him on the phone that everything was okay, but every time he called Osamu, he said that your eyes were sometimes red when you came to work and that you looked tired and sad.

Atsumu knew he was the reason. That you’d probably be better off without him. After all, you’re a great woman, someone who would find a new partner quickly.

You didn’t deserve to be sad all the time when he was gone. You should be happy. After all, a smile suits you so much better than a sad expression.

Atsumu would concentrate on his career. It would be difficult for him at first, but he would manage without you. He had to… for your sake.

So his mind was made up when he read your unanswered, concerned messages. If he texts you now to say that it’s over, being an ass to you, you’ll be able to forget him quickly… That was what he thought. 

But it wasn’t that easy. Your puzzled messages, your crying voice on his voicemail, broke his heart. Yet he tried to cover it all up with parties and his dear fans. He convinced himself that he was fine. Only to arrive home, see you and realize what an idiot he was, how much he missed you.

And now it’s Atsumu who reaches for his phone and texts you message after message.

Atsumu 8:02 PM: Hey babe, no.. hey Y/n. I know I have no right to text you. But please… let’s talk. I fucked up. Damn, I fucked up so hard that I don’t even know how to start… shit…

Atsumu 8:12 PM: Please… please answer your phone, babe…

Atsumu 8:44 PM: I know I’ve fucked up. I know I hurt and disappointed you. Fuck, I know I was an ass. Yk, I thought I was doing the right thing. 

Atsumu 9:34 PM: Fuck… please answer me… I still… damnit. 

That was the last message you received from Atsumu before you put your phone away and tried to forget him. Why is he doing this to you? Why is he stirring up your feelings again?

But Atsumu doesn’t think about stopping now. He runs to your house, to the apartment building and rings your doorbell. Once, twice, he rings so often that you can’t ignore it. You are about to tell him to leave through the loudspeaker system, but he interrupts you.

“Fuck baby, please open the door. I’m… I still love ya, okay? I always loved ya. I - shit, can ya even hear me? Fuck…” he curses agitatedly and presses the bell next to your nameplate again several times.

But instead of letting him in, you go down to the entrance of the apartment building and open the door with an expression on your face that Atsumu has never seen before. What is it? Anger, sadness, despair? Everything somehow.

“Say... are you kidding me? Do you think that’s funny?” you ask him, bewildered, still standing in the open doorway. Of course, you wouldn’t just believe him. Atsumu could have guessed. Your reaction was completely understandable. But he has to do something to show you that he’s serious.

“No, no, I don’t. I’m dead serious. Please let me explain,” he says, and starts to tell you that he thought a break-up would be best for you because he’s not good enough for you. Since you were obviously so sad about him leaving so often and he didn’t want to be the reason. He tells you that he thought he could get over you, but that he had to realize that you are the most important thing to him. Something… someone he doesn’t want to lose. With shaky hands and a still agitated voice, Atsumu takes out his phone.

“I wanted ya to hate me so that it would be easier for ya. But believe me, I... I couldn’t forget ya. Look, you’re still my wallpaper. All the photos of the two of us are still on my phone, all the memories-“ he is about to unlock his screen when his phone falls out of his hand and drops to the floor. Atsumu seems to be completely overwhelmed right now, as if he doesn’t know what to do. Should he bend down, pick up the phone, should he keep talking to you or hug you? He doesn’t know.

”Baby, please, please, I’ll do anything. Please gimme a chance. I’ll talk to my agent about not takin’ so many jobs abroad. I will be with ya more often. Always write to ya and call ya in the evening when I’m not at home. Let’s look for an apartment so we can move in together. Please, please, I would do anything. Please believe me that I love ya. Please..." he begs in a voice that becomes more and more brittle with every word. His eyes are full of emotion and his hands, which have unconsciously reached for yours, are trembling terribly.

“Two months... two months you ignored me, treated me like a piece of trash.” You say in a low voice as you search for eye contact. Atsumu has never felt so scared. Only now does he realize that the love of his life is standing in front of him, and that this might be the last time he’ll see her again, the last time he’ll touch her skin. But then again… Atsumu was an ass, so why should you forgive him? No, he can’t think like that. After all, you loved him. And if you love him as much as he loves you, then maybe there’s still hope.

“I know, and I know I can never make it up to ya. I know it’s not done with an ‘I’m sorry’. I’m the dumbest, most idiotic ex-boyfriend you’ve ever had. But... I’m stubborn too. And if that means chasin’ after ya for 10 years, drivin’ to yer apartment every day to ring the doorbell and tell ya I still love ya, wishin’ ya a good night every day, nice dreams and telling ya how important you are to me... I’ll do it. Every damn day, if it means there’s still a little hope for us.” He answers you hoarsely, keeping eye contact, hoping that you see how honest his words are.

You sigh, bend down, and pick up his phone before handing it to him. Atsumu doesn’t know what to do with all this. His face grimaces as if he’s expecting the worst. “Then... you shouldn’t lose your phone... if you want to write to me every day,” you answer him, a weak smile on your lips. Atsumu’s sorrowful expression suddenly changes and you see him looking at you with hope.

“Does that mean ya...” the blonde Miya can no longer contain his emotions as he leaps forward and pulls you into his arms. His embrace is so tight that you can barely breathe, as if he’s afraid you’ll slip out of his hands. Firm, but quivering. His whole body is shaking and you’re sure you’ve just felt something wet on your skin. Tears? Is Atsumu crying? “I promise to be a pain in yer ass every day. To text ya, to call ya, to be there for ya. Even in yer sleep. Okay? I love ya... I love ya so much...”

tw: abuse, anger issues, mention of blood

You’ve been with Iwaizumi since your school days. Back then, as a little flirt at school, Oikawa and Matsukawa mainly teased Iwaizumi for having a crush on you.

But in the end, many were jealous of the perfect couple who waltzed together on the dance floor at the prom with loving looks on their faces.

You were inseparable. Even Iwaizumi’s stay in America for his university didn’t affect your relationship. So it was no wonder that you got married after his return and were the perfect happy couple.

At least for the first few years.

The stress of being a coach for the Japanese national team is weighing on Iwaizumi’s mind. He normally handles stressful situations well, but he is under pressure.

If the team fails to perform in the next few games, he will lose many sponsors and possibly even his job.

Iwaizumi is constantly on edge and you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around him so you don’t provoke him.

More often, he has sudden temper tantrums, shouting at you about things that aren’t worth mentioning. “Damn it, I told you I need this one shirt for today. Why isn’t it clean?”

And once, when you stumbled with your words and asked him whether it might not be better to take a break as a coach, he was so angry that he almost hit you. But he managed to hold back and just sighed before going out for a beer in a nearby bar.

You don’t want to admit it to yourself, but right now, you’re really scared of your own husband.

Today was another training match between the Japanese national team and the Indonesian team. The team’s performance was better, but nowhere near good enough to shine. You watched the game on TV and run through your imaginary list in your head already, of potential trigger points for Iwaizumi. You don’t want him to get upset. The laundry is done; the house is clean; the food is also ready and in the fridge. Did you take out the trash? You chew nervously on your lower lip as you walk to the kitchen and let out a relieved sigh. That’s done too.

You are just closing the lid of the garbage can when you hear the key in the lock of your front door and Iwaizumi comes home with a surprisingly normal, “I’m home, my love, smells good in here”. Your shoulders relax immediately, a smile is back on your lips as you walk cheerfully into the hallway to greet Iwaizumi.

“Hello darling! How was your day?” Iwaizumi hugs you and leans down so you can kiss his cheek. “Let me eat something first. My day has been really exhausting,” he sighs, watching you nod and turn around to warm up the food for him. Your husband hangs up his jacket, puts down his bag and is about to turn around to follow you when he stumbles against a nearby vase that you had placed as a decoration for the fall changeover. The vase swings, loses its balance and falls to the floor in pieces.

“Shit!” You hear Iwaizumi curse and immediately run to him, anxiously hoping that nothing has happened to him. But luckily, he is unharmed. “Wait, I’ll clean up the broken pieces, you eat-“ you’re about to say, but Iwaizumi interrupts you loudly. “Always this stupid bullshit you put up. Shit, I could have hurt myself. If I miss now, that’s it for my career!” he shouts and stomps past you. You turn around hastily and apologize. “That wasn’t my intention, really,” you say, before realizing that it was a mistake to talk back. Iwaizumi turns around, his eyes ferocious and angry like a wild animal as he takes a step towards you. Your heart is beating restlessly and you are suddenly afraid.

“Not your intention? Admit it, you’d be happy if I got rid of the job!” he shouts, noticing how you start to tremble and shake your head. But Iwaizumi doesn’t seem to be in his right mind as he takes another step towards you. “Go clean up the mess! Make yourself useful!” he says through gritted teeth as he looks at your anxious and puzzled face. You know you should move, but your body doesn’t seem to listen, too scared to move a finger. And then it happens.

Iwaizumi grabs you by the hair and pulls you towards him. You cry out, weeping bitterly as you hear his voice again. “Are you deaf?! Get going!” he shouts, before pushing you away with more force than necessary. You lose your balance, stumble over your own feet as you fall and hit your head on the edge of the stairs in the hallway next to the broken vase. Your head hurts terribly, something warm flows down your face, sticking to your hair and making your vision suddenly completely different. It gets smaller and smaller before everything goes black in front of your eyes and the sounds around you stop completely.

Iwaizumi is abruptly perfectly sober and only now understands what has just happened. What he has just done to you, the woman he loves more than anything.

His eyes are big as he stares at his hands, which start to tremble in front of him.

Panic spreads through him as he looks at you. At your motionless body, at all the blood under your head.

He doesn’t know how he did it. His memories are hazy, but he can still remember trying to wake you up, in vain.

He had taken off his shirt, pressed it on your head injury to stop the bleeding and somehow managed to call an ambulance. Iwaizumi can’t remember anything else, just the one question from the paramedic who put you on the ambulance stretcher and took you to the hospital. Since Iwaizumi was your husband, he was allowed to drive with you.

“How did this happen?” the paramedic asked, as Iwaizumi answered quietly, “I don’t know... I really don’t know.”

It’s now been some hours after the accident and your head had been stitched up. Thank God it wasn’t as bad as it looked at first.

You’re still in the recovery room, Iwaizumi next to your bed on a chair, his hands folded in his lap as he hangs his head in bewilderment, looking at his wedding ring shining on his ring finger.

What happened? What has become of him? He still can’t believe what he has done.

He looks at his hands again, opens them, starts to tremble, clenches them into fists and realises how he lets out a frustrated sigh, which he had been holding back, as warm tears roll down his cheeks, soaking the fabric of his trousers.

In his mind, there’s only your shaking body, that frightened look, your screaming, and then this unbearable silence.

When you open your eyes, your head throbs a little and you have to squint through the bright, clinical light. “Where... where am I?” you say quietly, looking around the room and noticing that you’re lying in a hospital room. Next to your bed is none other than Iwaizumi. But he looks different. Broken… He shrinks at your words and looks up at you. You see his red eyes and how he hesitates whether it’s okay to take your hand in his. Iwaizumi gets up from his chair, wants to close the distance to your bed but his legs collapse and he falls to his knees when he suddenly starts to... cry? 

“Haji- me...” you say, still feeling exhausted. “I’m... god I...” Iwaizumi doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t know how to look you in the eye. He takes a deep breath, regains his courage before peering at you. Carefully, he grasps your hand, checking if you are afraid, but you don’t seem to pull it away. Maybe because you’re still too tired. Awkwardly, he strokes the back of your hand before resting his forehead on it and closing his eyes briefly.

“I’m a terrible husband. I’ve done everything I shouldn’t have done. Instead of carrying you on my hands, bringing a smile to your face and protecting you from everything that would harm you, I’ve done the exact opposite. Instead of being happy to see me, you’re just scared of me, aren’t you?” he says in a shaky voice and looks up at you again. You are calm. Just stare at him with a hurt look.

“I.... I can understand if you want a divorce. If you don’t want to be with a monster like me anymore. I really can’t even blame you. But... please let me tell you one thing. When I saw you lying on the floor like that, the world collapsed inside me. I was afraid of losing the most important thing in my life. And the most important thing is not my job, no, it’s you. And I’m ashamed that I’ve forgotten that. I am disgusted with myself and I know that is no excuse. What I have done is unforgivable. But please... if there is still a bit of hope, then I will try to do everything I can to be the man you fell in love with again. I want to be your Haji-bear again. Your place of peace, and your favorite person. I will go to anger issues therapy, behavioral therapy. If it’s better for our relationship, I’ll step down as a coach and see if I can find a job as a volleyball coach at a school. No matter what, I would do anything.” Your hand becomes wet as his tears land on it. His words move something inside you. You want to believe him, you don’t want the relationship to end either, but everything that has happened so far will not pass by without damage.

“I need time, Hajime... If you really mean it, please grant me the time...” you answer him and notice how your words seem to tear him apart. But at the same time he seems to want to make the best of the situation. He lets go of your hand and stands up just to sit back down on the chair next to your bed, looking at you determinedly, his eyes still red and swollen. “As much time as you need. If it means we still have a chance...”

A few months pass. Iwaizumi has passed on the house to you and moved into his parents’ house to give you the space you need. He goes to therapy three times a week and tells you about his progress. He is still coaching the national team, but his assistant coach is taking a lot of the work off his hands and the volleyball team seems to be playing better again.

Just like when you were at school, you’ll find a letter in your letterbox once a week. Back then, Iwaizumi always told you a bit about his week and wrote it down because, funnily enough, he was too shy to talk to you in person. Only that in his current letters he writes that he misses you, but hopes that you are doing well at the moment.

He meets you in public places, goes out with you, so that you gradually feel more comfortable with him again, that you can see his progress in therapy and don’t just think it’s empty words.

Six months have passed since the incident. You are standing in the bedroom, changing the sheets, when Iwaizumi comes through the front door of the house. “My love, I’m home,” you hear Iwaizumi’s calm voice. Coming home from his therapy session, he hangs up his jacket in the hallway as your voice lets him know where you are. 

Iwaizumi puts the flowers he bought for you on the kitchen table before he sneaks into the bedroom and sees you trying to unfold the sheets to put them on the blankets. With silent steps, he reaches around your waist to throw you onto the bed with him, wrapped in the covers that were in your hands earlier. Screaming, you laugh in unison with his chuckle as you look into each other’s eyes. “Hajime! Don’t scare me like that.” you laugh softly, while his hand gently tucks your hair behind your ear. Iwaizumi looks at your forehead, at the small scar that is left from your injury, before leaning forward and giving you a kiss on that spot.

“I’m sorry, but that was just so tempting,” he says, closing his eyes as he pulls you closer and just relaxes in bed with you. He strokes your back and kisses your forehead once more. “Hajime... what’s going on? Why are you so clingy suddenly?” you laugh, but Iwaizumi doesn’t join in the laughter, instead answering you seriously.

“Today, six months ago, I almost lost you. I’m just grateful that nothing happened to you. Thankful that you gave me another chance, even though I showed my worst side.” You can’t think of the right words to answer him, so you just smile, snuggle closer to him, and close your eyes. Safe in his arms, with his pulsating heart at your ear, you fall asleep.

tw: mention of abortion, mention of drugs/pills (without consent) 

Suna and you were just friends for a long time. Even if the others saw you more like a couple.

You were the only one Suna didn’t mind when you sat next to him and pulled out one of his earphones to listen to music with him.

You always had the same route to school and if one of you came to school alone, you knew immediately that the other one must be sick. 

With graduation, you mentioned that you might want to study abroad. That time, Suna had a weird feeling in his stomach for the first time. As if he was afraid of losing you.

That was the day he realised that he felt more for you than just friendship.

The same evening, he asked you to come over and watch a movie when he yawned in a very clichéd way to put his arm over your shoulder and pull you closer to him. He didn’t know why he was so nervous, but he just was.

A number of things went through his mind. What if you don’t feel the same way about him as he does about you? Will you still want to study abroad? Would you end your friendship with him if you didn’t feel the same way?

He tried to block out the questions and then, with his usual calmness, asked you if you could imagine anything more than a friendship. Luckily for him, you said yes.

From that moment on, everything was perfect. You had created your own little world over several years. You studied, and luckily not abroad. Suna was successful in volleyball, so you were both able to buy an apartment together quickly.

Just the two of you. Your friends were there from time to time, but in the evenings you were always alone at home, arm in arm, in the quiet flat without any noise or other people to disturb you.

Until one morning where you look at the little piece of plastic in the bathroom, stunned, when the two red stripes tell you that you are pregnant.

You hadn’t spoken to Suna about having children yet, but you’ve been together for so long now and everything is going well that you assume he would be just as happy as you are.

You thought…

When Suna comes home, you’ve already prepared a little surprise. There are a pair of baby shoes on the table in the living room, the pregnancy test in front of them and a little balloon with “Best Dad” written on it. You can’t help smiling as you see Suna walk into the room when you call out “surprise”, looking a little shy in his direction. But Suna’s reaction differed from what you expected.

Almost disgusted, he looks in your direction. “This better be one of those stupid TikTok pranks, right?” he says, and your smile disappears abruptly. Your stomach turns and you feel sick. And not because of the pregnancy. You stand there irritated, only able to utter a quiet “No... it’s not a joke”, confused by his negative reaction. “No? What week are you in? Tell me you can still have an abortion...” he says, annoyed, as he walks towards the table to see if there is any information about the week of pregnancy on the pregnancy test. 

“What?” you say in bewilderment, still looking at Suna, who throws the test on the table in frustration before starting to massage his temples. “We’ll go to the gynecologist tomorrow, okay? Get rid of it. A child means responsibility. You have to look after this thing all the time, you’re no longer flexible and it’s noisy too... I just don’t want that.” 

His words feel like a thousand stabs. Never have you seen Suna act like this before. You anticipated that he might be a bit taken by surprise and perhaps not be able to deal with the situation at first, but Suna seems to have a very clear opinion on the subject. He doesn’t even seem to be willing to talk. But abort a child? Let Suna’s and your baby die just like that? You can’t do that. You don’t want that. 

The two of argue. Suna’s look gets progressively angrier. Yours sadder until he decides to leave the house with a “Do what you want, maybe it’ll die anyway”. Now you’re home alone with his painful words. You stand rooted to the spot in the room for several more minutes until the strength in your legs finally gives way and you slump to the floor, crying bitterly. The night, you spend alone in your bed, without Suna. He doesn’t answer his phone and doesn’t reply to your messages. You don’t hear from him the next day either, and he hasn’t come home. Thank God you get a message from Osamu, who texts you that Suna is with him and that you have nothing to worry about. But how are you supposed to stay at home without worrying if your boyfriend doesn’t get in touch with you and you’ve been arguing for days? You are scared. Afraid for the baby, afraid for the relationship and everything you two have built up.

Another day passes. You lie in bed, tired and lacking in energy. Nevertheless, you pull yourself together and get up, go to the bathroom to get ready for the day and don’t notice when the front door opens and Suna walks in. “Baby doll, I’m at home... and... I’m sorry...” you hear Suna’s voice and walk out of the bathroom. Even though you had a fight, you are still happy to see the man you love so much again. With a somewhat sad smile, he stands there, a bouquet of flowers in his hand as he approaches you.

“I’m really sorry. I behaved like an ass. You took me by surprise with the news and somehow... I don’t know. What do you say you sit down now? I’ll make us a drink and we can talk about all this. About the baby, and what happens next?” You can hardly believe his words. What has Osamu done in the last few days to make Suna suddenly do a full turnaround and be willing to talk to you openly, without shouting about becoming a parent? You make a mental note to thank Osamu later, before nodding with a smile and sitting down on the sofa in the living room.

But what you don’t know is that Suna went to a friend, a doctor, who gave him two pills before he came home. Pills for an induction of abortion. You have to take one now and the other two to three days later.

Suna knows that you wouldn’t take these pills voluntarily.

So he makes sure that you are indeed sitting in the living room before he takes out a small bag containing a pill, puts it in the grinder and turns it into a fine powder before mixing it into your iced tea.

He takes a deep breath, putting his smile back on as he walks towards you in the living room, where you are already waiting for him with happy eyes.

Without saying much, he hands you the glass, sits down next to you and watches you.

“I know it’s all so sudden and I could have said it differently. I really took you completely by surprise with the news,” you say quietly, looking at the iced tea in your hand, unaware that an abortion pill is floating there.

Suna listens attentively as you talk about how you first had to understand what a pregnancy means, but that your overwhelm quickly turned into joy because you are looking forward to holding a mini version of the two of you in your arms in less than 9 months. You talk about all the beautiful things that are going through your head, while Suna continues to listen to you, his eyes constantly focus on the tea in your hands and you.

He keeps looking at you as you raise the glass and press it to your lips, ready to drink the poison cocktail, when he realizes what he was doing. What he’s trying to do here.

Panic strikes him. His green eyes widen as he literally knocks the cup out of your hand. It falls to the floor with a loud thud. “Don’t drink that!” he says in an unsteady voice and looks at you in horror.

But you don’t understand anything, only shake your head.

“I don’t know what’s gotten into me. I... I think I just made the worst mistake of my life,” Suna says, looking back from you to the broken cup. You don’t understand what’s going on and tilt your head, asking him if everything is all right. But when Suna continues talking and tells you what was in your tea, your world collapses. You are shocked that your own boyfriend wanted to do this to you. “I was overwhelmed. I... I know that’s no excuse. But when I heard you talking, I realized that -“ Suna wanted to continue, but your voice cut him off, your words silenced him.

“Let’s break up,” you say, and unlike before, unlike when you argued a week ago, your voice is determined now, your eyes full of pain and betrayal. Those green eyes that used to mesmerize you are now looking at you desperately. “What?” Suna whispers softly, followed by a “No, wait”. But you interrupt him again.

“You just wanted to give me some drugs without my consent so I’d lose the baby?! No, Rintarou… I’m breaking up with you. That... no, I can’t do that.” Abruptly, you get up from the sofa, ignoring the hand that tries to grab you before quickly slipping into a jacket and a pair of shoes just to leave the apartment. Suna wants to run after you, but his legs won’t move. His mind and heart are screaming to run after you, to stop you and tell you he’s sorry, but his body just won’t obey him. When he finally manages to get up, you’re already gone.

Still wearing his slippers and without putting on a jacket, he eventually runs out to check out all the places you love, all your friends, to see if he can find you somewhere. But no matter where he looks, he can’t find you. You don’t reply to messages or phone calls. The mechanical voice of your voice mail greets him directly. “Shit, shit, shit!” he yells as he stands in the park where you two had your first official date. The surrounding people look at him. Some with an irritated look, some as if they were pitying him.

Without really knowing where to go, your legs automatically led you to the bus that goes to Kita’s home.

Kita was one of your best friends back then. And you knew that if you went to Kita and told him not to tell Suna that you were there, he wouldn’t tell his friend either. And that’s exactly what Kita did.

You were in Kita’s guest room when you heard Suna’s voice in the hallway.

He sounded shattered, broken, as he begged Kita to tell him where you were.

This went on for several weeks, until one evening Suna rang the doorbell again, trying to talk to Kita in a voice you had never heard before.

His voice was so thin, so fragile, as if a heap of misery was speaking out of him.

Kita tells him once again that he doesn’t know where you are when you hesitantly open the door, thinking about going downstairs and listening to what Suna has to say. But for now, you just listen to the conversation.

“Please, Shinsuke, I know you know her location. Please, just give her this. Please...” Kita sighs, followed by a soft “ok...” before the front door closes. Your best friend’s footsteps creak beneath the floor as he walks up the stairs, looks at you a little twisted and hands you a large package.

You know that you demand a lot from Kita. It’s not easy for him to lie to his friend either. Eventually you have to talk to Suna.

Alone in your guest room, you spend almost half an hour looking at the unopened package at the other end of the bed until you finally decide to open it. When you see what’s inside, surprise catches you. Multiple emotions flow through your body without you even noticing how your eyes suddenly turn glassy. Small letters and several items are in the box. You take out the letter that is on top of all the other items.

“My love, I don’t even know where to start. I can’t apologize for what I did. Nevertheless, I want to tell you that I’m sorry. I was confused and scared. Our relationship has always been perfect so far and I thought it was great that it was just the two of us and that no one else disturbed our privacy. I was afraid that when we had a child, we would argue, have no more time for each other, and grow apart. I was selfish and didn’t think about how you would feel. I wasn’t thinking about our baby. The thought that we were both going to be parents hadn’t crossed my mind at all. But every time I walked past those little shoes you had placed in the living room, I couldn’t think of anything else but seeing our child standing in them. How it tries to move around in it, sometimes falls down because it loses its balance and seeks shelter with its beloved mom. I regret every second of what I’ve done, every word I’ve said. Hurting you was the last thing I wanted to do, and yet I did it. I am sorry. I am so terribly sorry.

I did some research. Did you know that it is currently very difficult to find midwives? You should probably start looking very early on. My team colleague gave me the number of the midwife he and his wife had at the birth of their two children. I also have three other numbers. You might want to give them a call. There are also birth preparation classes in our town. I have also put a brochure in the package for you. You don’t necessarily have to go there with your partner. With me… So... if you want, you could also go there with Kita, even if I would be happy if we both did it together. But I can understand if you don’t want to.

Are you eating enough? You should pay particular attention to your diet during pregnancy. A lot of women suffer from a vitamin deficiency during pregnancy. But you have probably already discussed this with your gynecologist. Anyway, I’ve written down a few recipes for you that are rich in vitamins. I admit that Osamu helped me a little with this. Oh, and on the back are some things you shouldn’t eat during pregnancy. Raw eggs and products containing them such as ice cream, mayonnaise and so on... you should not eat them, because the risk of salmonella infection is high. Peanuts can contain aflatoxins, which can also harm the fetus... but as I said, I’ve put together a list for you. In case you didn’t already know all this already. There are a few other things in the box. Maybe you’d like to take a look.

I hope you are doing well. I hope the baby is doing well too. Have you thought of a name yet? Do you know whether it will be a boy or a girl? I’m sure there’s already a little bump on your belly. I... would really like to be with you right now. Would love to hold you in my arms and stroke your tummy. I know I made a mistake that can never be fixed. But if you’re willing, if that’s what you want, I’d really like to be by your side again. And if not as your boyfriend, then as the father of our baby. I would like to do couples’ therapy with you so that we can find our way back to each other… So that you can trust me again. Because in all of this, I was the problem and never you. But only if you want it too, of course. I know it may be hard to believe, but I love you. So much that a life without you scares me. I am sorry…”

You’re crying bitterly by now as your tears blur the ink on the letter before you put it aside and look in the box. Next to a small onesie for babies, there is a note with the telephone numbers of midwives, a small book with recipes, the brochure he had mentioned and another box containing photos and memories. Pictures that Suna had always secretly taken of you at times when he thought you looked extra pretty. You always found the photos embarrassing, but for him they were beautiful to look at. Because they were moments when you were just being you, not smiling for the camera or doing anything else to disguise yourself.

There was also a necklace with shells on it in the box. You made it for Suna when you were on vacation in Croatia. It turned out incredibly ugly, yet Suna wore it proudly during the whole vacation. You’re touched that he still has this ugly necklace. Little notes that you wrote to each other at school are also in there. So many more memories from the past. Where had Suna hidden this little box in your apartment so that you never noticed it?

You hastily get up, open the door and run down to the hallway as Kita comes out of the living room and looks at you questioningly. “Is everything all right? Do you need to see a doctor?” He asks concerned, but you just shake your head, wanting nothing more than to see Suna, talk to him again. He asks you if you are absolutely sure, but your determined nod is enough for an answer. So he grabs his jacket and car keys, driving you straight to your ex boyfriend, to your apartment. He doesn’t want you to take the bus in your current state.

Suna is sitting in the living room. In front of him on the coffee table are various reports on pregnancy, parenting and more. His head is leaning on his hands as he takes a deep breath. Have you opened his package yet? He wonders, unable to think clearly, when he hears the key in the door lock and runs into the hallway as if stung by a tarantula. His eyes are wide as he looks at you, standing rooted to the spot in the doorway, not knowing how to react.

“Shinsuke... Drove me here...” you say. “I opened your package.” You continue, watching Suna swallow hard, still not moving an inch from the doorframe. “How are you, the baby?” he asks quietly, almost absent-mindedly, as if he can’t believe you’re really standing in front of him. “Good... can... can we talk?” you ask and watch him nod, having trouble sorting out his feelings. You take a step towards him, clearly seeing the dark circles, the red eyes, the slightly thinner face, as if he has lost weight. And on closer look, you can see his whole body trembling.

“Is everything you wrote in your letter true?” you ask him, trying to keep your voice as calm as possible, even though you’re at your wits’ end. “Yes, yes all of it. I’m sorry for everything... I want nothing more than to see you happy. To see our baby happy. And if you want another partner by your side to be happy, if you don’t want me in your life, then I will accept that.” Suna whispers, knowing that if he were to speak even a little louder, his voice would fail and he would cry. You take another step towards him. “What if I want you? Want to give it another try?” You have barely spoken your sentence before you hear a bitter shuffle from Suna, which he seems to have been suppressing the whole time. His shaky hands carefully reach for your face before he presses his forehead against yours and says softly, “I would wish for nothing more than that.”

Although you hesitate for a second, you finally put your hands around his back and stand with him in the doorway for a while. Neither of you says a word. Both of you let your tears run until Suna releases you at some point and gives you a kiss on the forehead. “You shouldn’t stand for so long. You’d better get some rest,” he says in a somewhat steady voice before helping you out of your jacket and leading you into the bedroom, where he pushes the sheets aside so you can lie down. 

“Rin, but I’m not tired at all...” you say, even though you are exhausted, but Suna lies down right next to you, pulling you close while his free hand moves to your stomach. “I know... But... let’s just lie here like this for a moment, regain our strength before we talk... Talk about everything, our future, how I can make it up to you, our little baby… Agree, baby doll?” He whispers tiredly. Yet you also notice how all the crying is slowly making you a little tired. “Agree, Rin.” you smile weakly, snuggling closer to him as you both fall asleep arm in arm, his hand protectively on your baby bump, your hand on his.

[lovelyverosika]

Angels going crazy…crazy…is he angry maybe…maybe

Hazbin Hotel! Adam x Fem!reader

Part 4 —> Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Warning: swearing, slight violence, mention of suicide, suggestive ;)

3rd POV:

Meanwhile in the courtroom:

Everything was quiet. All eyes on them. Adam stood in front of Monika with an unreadable expression on his face. "Sir, what are you doing?", Lute said as she came down the podium. Sera looked unsure as well and Charlie looked shocked or to say it better betrayed. Monika knew that redemption was possible the whole time and didn’t tell her and on top of it she’s not the nice demon she acted to be.

"Leave now.", said Adam with a stern voice. Monika raised an eyebrow. "Why?", she asked. "I said leave.", Adam said again, this time with a louder voice. "Naw, are you hurt because your sweet wife is actually a dumb loser bitch?", Monika said with a mocking grin. "I SAID LEAVE, YOU DUMB BITCH OR ELSE I BEAT YOU DOWN THE HOLE YOU CAME FROM MYSELF!", Adam basically screamed at her. Monika looked at him with widen eyes. "Whoa dude, chill.", said Monika with a slight scared expression on her face. "Enough is enough.", Adam said while grabbing Monika roughly and pushing her down the portal to hell. "I’m so sorry for all this mess.", said Charlie as she grabbed Vaggies hand and left for the portal as well. Without saying another word Adam flew out of the courtroom, leaving everyone either confused or shocked.

The streets of heaven were unusually quiet and the angels seem to be in some kind of distress. Why? Because of none other than the first man. The last time they saw him in such an angry state was when Y/N left heaven for 2 weeks for business. Right now he wanted to be alone to clear up his mind or at least collect his thoughts. He really hoped Emily didn’t took Y/N to their shared home, he doesn’t want to get seen in such a vulnerable state at all costs after all he was THE Adam, THE first man. He let out a sigh of relief when he opened the door and everything was quiet. Immediately he went into their shared bedroom and threw his mask on the floor. With a heavy sigh searched for something in the closet of his wife. After a few minutes he found it and couldn’t help but to crack a small smile. It was a stuff bunny, which resembles Y/N.

On their first valentine’s day Y/N has gifted it to him, of course he acted all rough and tough before actually accepting the gift. What would the other angels think if they saw THE first man being all infatuated because of a simple stuff bunny. Behind closed doors he let his facade fall together with his mask since he knew how sensitive Y/N was and how fast she got insecure about those kind of things. Loving kisses and lots of sweet, teasing words were shared that evening but no one needs to know how smitten he actually is. He lied down on her side of the bed, inhaling her comforting smell. He didn’t know how to feel, he still had mixed feelings about what he found out. Out of exhaustion he then fell asleep.

-time skip-

It was early in the morning when Y/N came home, she slept over at Emily’s since she thought it would be the best to give Adam some time. She couldn’t help but to be scared. Adam hated sinners but she changed and redeemed herself and when you think about it there are demons who did much worse than she did. Of course she regretted throwing away her previous life but the past can’t be changed. Everything here in heaven is different now, she finally found someone who makes her (after) life worth living for. Guilt flooded her mind, she only had herself to blame but she couldn’t just causally tell him that she used to be a demon, sadness and fear were one of her most dominant emotions.

Controlled by fear she only does things with a small chance of turning out bad, which lead to her missing out a lot of things since her youth. Adam always gave her a slight push to try out as much as possible as long she’s not too uncomfortable. The outcome was pretty satisfying to her, she tried out lots of new things and they even went to a concert together. Sure it was overwhelming at first but in the end she enjoyed it even more than he did. She smiled at the memory as she walked towards the bedroom door.

She took a deep breath as she opened the door with shaky hands but she relaxed a bit as she saw Adam still sleep. She walked up to him and smiled, he held the stuff bunny she gifted him close to his chest, that must be a good sign, right? Careful not to wake him she kissed his forehead and left the bedroom to prepare some breakfast. Even if he’s going for the divorce she wanted to show him her love and appreciation for one last time.

Right when she finished his favourite breakfast he came out of the bedroom. He sat down in front of her without saying anything, which made Y/N feel even more unsure and nervous than before. "Redemption…huh.", were the first words he said. "Well yes and I’m so sorry for not telling you..I just thought you would like leave me if I told you. And I know you don’t really like demons but I only got to hell because I thought suicide was the answer, which obviously isn’t true, so I’m not a murder or anything. But if you want to leave me I can totally understand that and I’m not mad or anything just a bit sad but-"

Adam interrupted her: "Sheesh babe chill, if you only were this talkative in bed..just kidding this is serious. I forgive you after all how can I stay mad at you when you’re my sweet wifey. Of course you were an asshole for not telling me but you’re still you. Damn I sound cheesy right now." With a loud happy squeal Y/N basically threw herself on Adam and hugged him tightly as they now lay on the floor. "Ouch fuck!", he said while patting her back. Y/N mumbled a quiet sorry before giving him a quick peck on his cheek. "So are we going like fuck now?", he said with a playful smirk. "Adam.. we’re having a wholesome moment right now.", Y/N whined before gently punching his shoulder. They spend the whole afternoon cuddling and just appreciating each other’s affection.

Later that day when the sun went down Adam took Y/N to her favourite flower garden. No one else was there just them. Suddenly Adam got on his knees, leaving Y/N confused and a bit excited. "I’m not good with words, babe but when I say I love you I really mean it and I know we’re already married but will you marry me? I wanna marry the other part of you as well..wanna make you all mine.", he said, leaving Y/N stunned. "Yes, yes and yes!", she answered, touched by his sweet word. Without saying anything else they kissed deeply with the sun setting down behind them.

They spent the rest of the night underneath their sheets naked while loving each other passionate and deeply.

The End<3

A/N: Looking back I never thought that anyone would read this fanfic, which is based on one of my delusional daydreams. The amount of support I got really touched me. That’s why I decided to continue this small Adam x reader series. I really hope you enjoyed it. Thank you for everything<3

[the-dawn-star]

Hii!! Can you do Jane x reader where she’s Jane’s mate but still human. One day some important information gets leaked out and everyone in the volturi thinks the reader leaked the info. (Aro can’t read her mind) So they question her for a long time and when she still says that she didn’t do it they make Jane torture her with her power. As Jane is torturing her someone walks in and says that she didn’t do it. By the time Jane stops the reader is passed out. Everyone and mostly Jane regrets what they’ve done. The reader doesn’t wake up for a few days and Jane is in absolute sorrow. And when she finally wakes up she doesn’t even look Jane in the eyes bc of the betrayal she feels. Just a lot of angst yk:))) Buuut they make up in the end. Thank youuu🫶🏻

A/N: Hi and first of all love this idea. I kind of made this longer than intended and I left it guite open ended but I hope you like it and you don't mind I changed it a bit. Once again Jane is the movie version of the character!!!

-S

+800ish words.

CW: I mean Jane tortures Reader. Heavy angst.

Your relationship had been a struggle for a long time. You were still a human and now you were moved to Volterra to live with the vampire royalty. It was all so much, but so was your blossoming love for Jane. Your dear Jane. Jane whose main priority in life was protecting the kings and working. It was all that she had ever known, and you couldn’t even blame her for that. But Jane had started to open up to you as time went on. She talked to you about the most mundane things in her life but in truth you could have listened to her for hours.  

Aro hadn’t loved the idea of Jane finding her mate. He was so protective of the girl that he had found hundreds of years ago. And you didn’t make this protectiveness any easier. Quickly Aro had found out that his powers didn’t work on you. Reason for this wasn’t clear but after a bit of convincing Aro accepted you to move to Volterra to get to know Jane better.  

“My love...” Jane had the voice of an angel and that was the only thing that could wake you up from your sleep without making you pissed off.  

You let out a non-committal groan and opened your eyes.  

“I’m sorry but I need to go to work. There has been a problem...” Jane being evasive made you sit up in worry.  

“What’s wrong?”  

“I can’t talk about it yet, just stay here until I get back, okay?”  

You didn’t have time to answer until your mate had left the room leaving you alone on the cold bed.  

With a bit of hesitation, you laid back down and slowly fell back asleep.  

~~~ 

You woke up with your room door being slammed open. Two guards that you didn’t know walked in and didn’t give you any time before ripping you from the bed and dragged you out of the room.  

You begged for some sort of explanation. Anything that made you understand why you were being dragged to the lower levels of the castle... The levels where you weren’t allowed to go. The levels where Jane had to work sometimes, leaving her exhausted as a vampire can be.  

You were thrown into a small simple room, with a tiny table, chair and a bed, if you could call a mattress with a pillow a bed.  

It was a while before you saw anyone but when you finally saw a person you didn’t assume it would be Jane. Your dear Jane.  

“Jane! My love! What’s going on?!” You asked, hurrying to the door trying to reach your love.  

“Don’t..., I know what you did.”  

The love that you had come so used to was gone from her eyes. Her eyes were pooling with venom and her eyes were dark and sad.  

“What are you talking about?” You asked while feeling the anxiety rising up to the surface.  

“Don’t play dumb! You were the only one I told about the plans! Aro was read everyone's minds already! It has to be you so just admit it please!” 

Jane’s yells bounced off the walls and for the first time looking at her you didn’t see your love. You saw a terrified and angry young woman, who could case you more pain than you could ever imagine. Was this what most people saw when looking at your mate? Danger? Pain?  

“Are you talking about the Romanians? Is this all about that!”  

Jane had told you about Aro’s plan to kill the rest of the Romanian coven, but all the details she had told you were now erased from your mind by time.  

“Yes, it is, so just confess!” Your normally calm Jane, she was panicking.  

You didn’t have anything left to say. You were confused, scared, angry..., alone. Your only ally in the castle, your dear Jane, had left you.  

“Okay..., if that’s what you want...,” Jane’s words were ominous, and your stress level rose to the roof.  

Then the pain started. The pain that Jane had promised you would never feel. The blinding, fiery pain. You couldn’t feel your body anymore, it was just pain. Until it all went away... 

~~~ 

You finally opened your eyes. You woke up back in your bed and for a second it all seemed like a bad dream. You took a deep breath letting yourself sink into the mattress. But your peace was interrupted when you took a look around the room. 

Jane was curled into a corner of the room, eyes glued to you. Her sad eyes. Her black eyes pooled with venom.  

You couldn’t look at her, not right now at least, so you got up from the terribly comfortable bed and walked straight to the bathroom locking it behind you.  

You looked like death. Tired and angry, but you couldn’t do anything about that just yet.  

“I’m really sorry..., you have to believe me, my love. We really thought that it was you...” Jane’s words behind the door didn’t make you feel any better. And to make sure you didn’t lash out you stayed quiet. You had all the right to be quiet after screaming your throat raw.

~~~

Feel like you want to support me via Kofi? No preasure tho!

[water-to-drink]

Request: Yandere Clorinde x Reader (This is my first request here, so sorry if I broke any rules)

Hunter and Prey

(Pairing): Yan!Clorinde x gn!reader

(Synopsis): After an unlikely friendship blossomed it soon became a twisted obsession from the Champion Duelist

(Tags/Warnings): Yandere behavior, violence & death (not towards reader), written from Clorinde’s pov, (if I missed anything lmk)

(Word Count): 800

I DO NOT CONDONE YANDERE BEHAVIOR IN REAL LIFE

It started out simple, a regular duel between Clorinde and you, for the matter that it came about she doesn’t remember only that it was over something trivial. As expected she came out victorious, what she didn’t expect was for you to come back and gift her a basket filled with treats

“So it is true, the mentions on how strong you are. I guess that’s on me for underestimating the Champion Duelist.” You smiled at her. “Please accept this as an apology and as a token of my respect.”

That was the start of an unlikely friendship and eventually a twisted obsession

Occasionally you would drop by just to talk with her, at first she thought that you were odd wanting to talk to her. Most people even steer clear from her after a duel, but you actively seek her out to talk and eventually befriended. Just remembering about it makes her heart beat faster

Her devotion to you started when you and her were together and you saw someone, she doesn’t remember who, avoid her by crossing the street

“It must be sad, having people treat you that way.” You said

“I am an instrument of Fontaine’s law, whether it having an impact on me, does not matter.” Clorinde replied

“That can’t be all to you! You know you’re more than the Champion Duelist. At least to me.”

Sure she was told that many times, but it felt so different coming from you. It felt like it was coming from a place of genuine concern for her. Your concern for a friend was the start of the twisted love that would begin to form in Clorinde’s heart

It was almost like a switch flipped inside her. Now her eyes instantly turn its gaze towards you, intensely studying your every move like a hunter watching its prey

She even uses her hunting skills to watch you in the dead of night, to ensure your safety she tells herself

Most nights it’s just her following you home and watching you when you’re in the supposed privacy of your home. She would watch you with a pair of binoculars from the rooftop of a nearby building, during these moments it almost felt like she was with you. Only fueling her obsession even further

However one night wasn’t like the others. There you are, walking back to your apartment after a long shift and unbeknownst to you a shady figure follows you. The figure stalks you until pulling out a knife and almost bringing the blade down on you, but Clorinde is quicker than a mere ruffian prowling the streets of Fontaine

Silently she sneaks up on the thug and points her pistol against the neck of the man, he stopped dead in his tracks and oh so sweet you, remained unaware of the harm that was about to befall you

Clorinde dragged the scum calling itself a man into an alley and shot the thug in the leg, making sure to not hit the major artery. The bang most likely alerted you and made you run back to the safety of your home

She turned her attention towards the man who now is on the floor and clutching his leg. Getting a clear view of her face and realizing who she was the bastard pleads for mercy

Mercy, the same way you would have plead for him to spare you, but knowing ruffians like him he wouldn’t give you any. And that’s why she must show him the same treatment he would’ve given her sweet angel, summoning her sword she raised it above her head and thrusted it into his chest

Flawlessly ending the thug’s life

Over the course of the next few days you carried on with your life yet that night still plagued Clorinde’s mind, that night of was harsh reminder of the dangers that lurks every corner. This world is full of evil, she sees it firsthand every day

So over the course of a few weeks to a month she prepared a room for you in her massive home. She tailored the room to your taste and needs, from the color of the wallpaper to the material of the sheets on the bed. It looked like a normal room with the exception of locks preventing anyone getting in or out without a key. The final step was taking some of Sigewinne’s sedatives, and in the dead of night she snuck into your apartment.

She watched you sleep for what seemed like an eternity for an ordinary person but to Clorinde it couldn’t have lasted longer. You looked so peaceful in this state. She almost feels guilty for doing this to you, but it’s for your safety. She told herself as she injected the sedatives into your sleeping form

[wroteclassicaly]

Warnings: Mentions anxiety, hormones, sad situations, hurt/comfort, mentions smut, and fluff.

~*~

“You worryin’ about somethin’ again?” His gruff voice rouses you from your languid daydreams.

When you take notice of the man at your side, hand propped against his cheek, normal faux bravado on standby — your anxieties ease a little. He’s the only one that can do this for you, and it brims him full of feelings he’s been okay to accept lately, though, they remain unspoken between the two of you. You shrug a shoulder as his arm elongates, dropping a calloused trigger finger to ripple a series of touches across your shoulder and collar bone. You’re looking dazed, thoughts on impasse. He lifts up to scoot a little closer, because you won’t ask yet, but he knows you, and he is all too aware that you need him.

And god, do you ever. The nights when air is impossible, that his mouth can provide you with what oxygen cannot. How his hands can embrace you to bulldoze your physical reactions away. His mossy eyes glistening beneath fluttering lashes.

He sheds his khaki, all of the things that give him his shell, skin to skin with you. His bed, it always smells like you now. And his bedroom, it’s just a room, one that’s become littered with various gifts to him or items you have brought from your own place, including several photos of trips you managed to get him to go on with you. That momentous night at the cabin in West Virginia. Then there’s stuff he’s left at your place — clothes, his art set, a few weapons, some records, and more pictures of that time he took you riding in the fields.

His gentle is reserved for you. Just as it is in this moment. He waits patiently until you arrive at the conclusion of your words. You look up at him, his normal slicked back hair in chocolate strands of disarray. Every freckle, every mole — it causes you to speak from your heart, briefly off topic. “You’re so beautiful.”

He tilts his head, swallowing against that kiss littered jugular. He isn’t used to hearing this, especially from someone he was inside of not even ten minutes ago, a discarded, unopened condom at the foot of the bed. He’s just a regular guy, you’re just a regular girl. No guns, no rumors, no rules, no shouting, no violence, no parents. He can be who he wants to be with you, a different man that he’s finding he enjoys spending solo time with.

“You gonna tell me what’s buggin’ your noggin’, sweet girl?” His accent is thick, making you curl into his hairy chest, running your fingers through the drying perspiration, pulling on the chain.

“How much time have you got?”

“I’ve got unlimited time for you.” Is his automatic answer.

“Everything is just… a lot. I don’t know how to explain it to you. I feel…”

“Overwhelmed?” He can’t hide the slight distress, always worrying this bubble will pop and you’ll run away from him. No one ever stays.

You can sense it immediately, shaking your head. “Overwhelmed in my brain. Hormones and other shit. You’re the only thing that makes sense to me right now.”

“Would explain why you were climbin’ all over me the second that you got here.” That gets you to laugh. But his chest is on the verge of exploding with this feeling. The one that he’s too afraid to say yet, that he’s never said.

“I feel the safest when I’m with you. Like, all the bad shit can be dealt with, as long as you’re here.” You let it out, flicking his chain with your fingers, the confession what you can muster. And fuck, he gets it, he really fucking gets it.

You’ve replaced a majority of his nightmares, given him things to look forward to, confidence that is no longer misplaced, and he has to turn with a crinkling of his nose, sniffling slightly. He’s emotional. You know he doesn’t like to show, even around you, so you simple link your arms around his neck and tug him with you beneath the quilt — your breasts smashed into his chest. Your nose bridge nudes his own, lips passing him a feather light graze.

You whisper, “Gator Tillman, thank you for being my home.”

[captain-mj]

Dragon 2/3

There is going to be a third part

Ghost felt so heavy. His limbs were weighed down by the heavy chains. They chose to use iron and it burned his skin. It didn’t feel like his flames. The flames he loved. More like chemical burns. They wrapped around his wrists, ankles and his wings. He didn’t raise his head when someone came in. He stayed as a deadweight as he was dragged forward. 

Roba stepped in front of him, his shoes in his line of sight. “A young King just turned 25. How exciting, yes?” 

Ghost stared at him. Silent. Annoying. 

“I apologize, dear friend. I searched everywhere, but it seems you’re alone. No more dragons anywhere.” 

Ghost stared at him. Impassive. Horrid. 

“Which means you’re going to be my gift to him. I’ve heard he doesn’t find comfort in women, so I can’t give him that. Giving him a few men would be seen as shameful, understand? It’s best to give him you. A dragon. They consider you religious. Do you think yourself divine?”

Ghost did not. He felt painfully solid. His wings were thin from disuse, though his body still had plenty of muscle. 

Roba dug his heel into a weak point of his wing and Ghost bit his tongue. “Words, Ghost.” 

“No, sir.” 

“Good. Get him cleaned up.”

They used cold water. It tingled. So cold against his already cold body. Dragons were not supposed to be this cold. But the burning feeling in Ghost’s chest had faded to an ember. Only kept up by a stubborn need to live even when Ghost was accepting he’d much rather die. 

Alone. The word rattled in his brain. No one else? No others? How unfortunate. How sad. Ghost certainly felt alone here. But that was not a new feeling. 

They scrubbed his skin, blood dripping from wounds they opened with how careless they were. It felt good. In a weird way. Finally being clean was a huge plus too. They took his chains off carefully. Always keeping just enough on that he couldn’t escape. As if he would.

One of the servants kissed his cheek. Gently. A mockery of love. “Good luck.”

How would they deliver him? Whole? In pieces? Maybe they were cleaning him so they could dismember him and deliver him on a platter?

Ghost wouldn’t mind. Dying. He only hoped when the King was done, he’d get rid of his body. Burn it. Most likely, he’d be hung up like a trophy. At least, his wings would. 

Ghost fell asleep in the carriage. They had been keeping him awake lately and now he knew why. No matter how hard he tried, he just passed right out. 

Until his head was being dunked in ice water. How Roba even managed that was beyond him. He had been dressed while asleep. Simple loose pants. His chest was bare. More iron around his wrists and along his throat. 

“Don’t embarrass me. You understand. You’re a gift. Act like it.”

Ghost nodded absentmindedly. His eyes already glazing over. He had gotten used to the patterns in Roba’s cruelty. How would this new king be?

“His name is Soap. It’s his coronation and 25th birthday. They did a joint celebration.”

Soap. 

Soap….

What a weird name.

Ghost had his hair cut slightly, just enough to make it look nice again. It curled and kinked up and the person trying to make it stay down was getting upset. He ignored them and they gave up eventually. 

When Roba had taken him from the farm house, he had yelled for Johnny. No one had known who that was. He had screamed until his voice went hoarse. They said no prince in the area had the name Johnny. Did the human lie to him? Why? Being royalty meant nothing to Ghost. Him being a prince meant nothing. 

“Put your wings up. Need him to know you’re a dragon.” One of them hit him lightly and made him hold his wings up. 

They were heavy. They had never been heavy before. But right now, they just ached something fierce. Ghost felt them start to drag and one of them quickly corrected them. 

“Either hold them up or we cut parts of them off.” 

Ghost found the least uncomfortable way to hold up his wings. He tried not to let his eyelids droop. Exhaustion was getting to him. 

Then, he was marched into a room. Full of people. All of who looked at… at him. 

Why were they looking at him?

“King MacTavish! I hope I’m not late.” Roba walked forward and Ghost trailed behind him, feeling like he was being set on fire and not in a good way. “I brought you something?”

Ghost felt like the room was spinning. Was it spinning?

A thick accent. One he swore he heard before. It was talking but the room was spinning too had. His wings were drooping. They hurt. He was heavy. 

Someone was screaming. It was loud. High pitched. Maybe it was him. 

Roba’s voice. Full of pride. 

“The Last Dragon.” 

Ghost knew he wasn’t the one screaming. He was on the floor. A blade. There was a blade. 

More screaming. It was so loud. 

Ghost fell asleep. 

He missed Soap’s hate filled berating of Roba. The way he pulled out a weapon and threatened to cut him from throat to belly button. If he saw it, he’d be proud. 

Ghost only knew that when he woke up, there was not a single chain on him. That the ground beneath him felt soft. A blanket draped over his body. And he had been scrubbed clean in his sleep. He could tell because his skin tingled and smelled floral. 

Soap, his King, paced at the foot of the bed. Angry, violent footsteps.

Ghost had displeased him. Most likely by passing out. 

He didn’t move an inch. Simply waited. Maybe he’d calm down. 

Soap stopped moving. The deafening silence followed. 

Ghost bit his tongue as he felt him approach. Felt soft fingertips along his back. Along the bulk of his wings. 

“Simon.” 

Ghost felt him saying that name like a stab wound. “Ghost.”

“Ghost.” 

Hands through his hair. Gentle. A mockery of love. 

“Oh, Ghost. What did they do to you?” Soap asked him softly. 

Ghost’s eyes fluttered. “Johnny?”

“Hi.” 

Oh. He was a Prince. 

Ghost didn’t want to move. He felt tight. Like he’d break open if he moved too fast. 

Soap gently brushed his hair out of his face. “Look at you. Still so bonnie.”

His accent had gotten thicker. Ghost still flinched when he came too close to his face. 

He moved to instead stroke Ghost’s hair. He scratched his scalp gently and it felt so nice Ghost almost moaned. Instead, he went slack, letting Soap manipulate him how he wanted. 

Incredibly careful hands touched his body. Inspecting the cuts. The bruises. The now harsh scars that would never leave. 

Then came the kisses. A simple press of the lips over every one. Until Ghost felt so wound up, he was afraid he’d break apart. Shatter into a thousand tiny little pieces. A sob passed his lips and Soap pressed into him. 

“You’re okay. You’re alright.”

It was too much. 

“Please.” 

Soap pressed closer. His skin impossibly too hot and too cold. “What do you need? How can I help?”

“Stop touching me.” It was a risky move. 

Soap yanked back. “O-of course. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean.”

Ghost pressed his face into the pillows. “If you want something from me, just take it and go.”

“No. I’ll do nothing of the sort.” Soap said quickly. Ghost shuddered, wondering what he was planning. 

Was he still mad Ghost left all those years ago? Yes, it wasn’t on purpose, but that meant nothing to human. Or maybe he wanted to finish what he started all those years ago. 

The idea of Soap, or Johnny he supposed, pinning him down. Taking advantage of his weakness to fulfill his human desires. 

Wouldn’t be the first time. Soap was softer though. Weaker than your average human. Maybe he’d at least take it slow. That would drag it out though. 

“Are you hungry? You’ve been asleep a long time.”

Ghost tried to piece together how long exactly he had been asleep. He was hungry. So fucking hungry. 

“I’ll take that as a yes you are.” Soap rang a bell and someone brought them food. He started to situate the pillows, making them into a weird pile. 

Ghost watched him pat the pile multiple times before realizing he was supposed to sit there. He slowly moved and sat in front of him. Soap pushed him into it and… it was comfy. Really comfy. 

Ghost slowly melted into it, head tilting back. Soft underbelly exposed. 

Stab him. Cut him open. Bleed him dry. 

Soap did no such thing. He took the plate from them and knelt in front of him on the bed. “Just eat, yes?” There wasn’t much room for arguing. His hand was cupping Ghost’s jaw with the other holding bread, making it impossible to escape. 

Ghost opened his mouth slowly and he could see Soap counting his teeth. Some had been filed or broken, but his body would just make more. He’d have to remove some of them before he could replace them, but it would be fine. Ghost ate from his hand slowly, feeling intense shame from the act but an understanding that he wouldn’t be fed otherwise. It wasn’t the most degrading thing he had to do for food. 

Soap kept stroking his face. His chin, his cheeks, under his eyes. 

“Beautiful.”

Ghost was confused what he found attractive about his scar riddled body, but if he had his fetishes, he had them. He finished eating, starting to feel sick despite only getting a few mouthfuls down. 

Soap cupped his face fully, taking him in. 

“I missed you.”

Ghost didn’t look at him. 

“That’s okay. I’m so glad you’re alive. That I can see you again.” 

Ghost closed his eyes slowly.

Soap was feral. A bit like a puppy. He kept touching Ghost. His fingertips running over his wings. Presence all around him. He smelled so strongly of different things. Nice things, don’t get him wrong. Just overwhelming. 

Ghost opened his mouth but before he could even get words out, Soap was jumping up and down. 

“Need a drink? You must be thirsty.” Soap fixed him a glass of tea and brought it to him. He still had his crown on. And his coronation outfit. It was funny, seeing someone that looked so royal care for him. 

Soap’s red coat hit the ground, gorgeous against his white shirt. Ghost could see the intricate gold coloring and it took him a minute, but he realized it emulated his own gold scarring. The designs on the coat jumbled on the back, giving the appearance of wings. 

Did Johnny miss him that much?

Ghost hated himself for leaving. 

Soap hesitated. There were mere inches between them. It felt like nothing to Ghost and too far to Soap. Ghost felt smothered. Unused to such affections. 

Soap wanted to swallow him whole. 

[kikyan]

Yandere Scarabia Headcanons

TW/CW: Dark content up ahead!! Yandere specifically!! Themes will include yandere, possessiveness, violence towards reader, manipulation, mentions of stalking, and obsession! Proceed with caution!!

DISCLAIMER: These are my interpretations of his/her/their persona and none of these is 100% accurate. I don't condone any of these actions in real life and all of this is purely fictional and should be taken as such! Underage characters will ONLY  be given SFW headcanons, please respect this decision!

Banner made by @herestrish​ pls don’t steal!! Also huge thanks to my friend, Verizhe, for helping me with these headcanons and tbh for proofreading my other stuff they’re such a huge help! 

Kalim Al-Asim 

Luckily, I’m updating more and more so this blog doesn’t die. Okiedoki, time for Kalim headcanons! Kalim was always a character I liked and hated. Like I loved his bubbly personality but at the same time I just knew his over-positive and enthusiastic personality was going to be annoying to some. His personality is also the same when it comes to you and your relationship. That aside, his traits would be over-protective, clingy, possessive, and manipulative. 

To keep it really simple, all these traits revolve around one thing and one thing only, his bubbly personality. He’s easy to befriend as he’s actively there to educate you on his culture and their customs, always there to lend a helping hand and just overall keep the party going. Those puppy dog eyes that you just can’t say no to them. To say the least, he’s very clingy. His S/O is someone who he can get along with, which is almost everyone. Someone he can get behind and support their ideals and morals. Someone ‘good’, it’s a very bland description but it’s one that makes sense. He’s clingy because he loves to be around you! If he sees you around the hallway, expect him to forget everything just to run up and greet you. Sometimes even ditching his previous task just to help you with yours or just spend time. When having lunch, expect to see Kalim offering you a spot at his table or inviting himself to yours. If you happen to fail a subject that Kalim excels in, he’ll happily offer to tutor you! Same with if you both fail a subject, it’s okay because Jamil can tutor both of you! I often describe overly clingy people like gum stuck at the bottom of your shoe but it’s different with Kalim because you want to get rid of the gum. With Kalim, you just can’t bring yourself to turn him down. Bringing us to my next point! 

Manipulative. By no means do I want to infantilize Kalim because he’s 17. He knows what he’s doing. Using his bubbly personality, how could you ever turn him down? He’s a great housewarden! Kind, reliable, jump head-on in front of danger to protect you, etc. You get the picture, which is why Kalim would use his reputation to get you to be with him. It starts off small, inviting you out to dinner, a study session, etc. His puppy dog eyes and his please make it so hard to turn him down you feel like you HAVE to say yes. At first, it’s small and something you can easily get out of when needed. “Sorry, I have a club!” or “Sorry, I promised Grim I would help him study with the gang.” At first yeah, but at some point, Kalim started to fight back. “It’s okay, [Reader]. Maybe next time you won’t be so busy!” and “You’re always busy, I’m sorry to bother you.” It doesn’t sound too harmful, right? It’s not, but he says it in front of people. Rumors spread and murmurs get to you, “Rejecting Kalim again?” and “Poor Kalim, he must have spent all day planning this…”. It’s not just your attention he craves, he craves your attention and praise. He’ll buy you expensive jewelry and trinkets. At first, you accept because a small gift for helping him study isn’t too spontaneous. Then the gifts keep coming and their value keeps multiplying. Rejecting them doesn’t work because then Kalim gets sad. “Oh, you wanted something better? Why didn’t you say so! I’ll find something double, no triple its value! Of course, you’d never want something so basic!” He says it in such a cheerful tone that to everyone it’s just playful Kalim but that doesn’t stop the stares and glares you get from the other dorm members. They call you an ungrateful bitch and how you’re using Kalim. They may even intervene and tell Kalim that you’re just using him, but he’ll defend you to the end. 

“Can you believe it, [Reader]? Someone said you were using me for my gifts but that’s not true!” Quite frankly, in this case, you’d be painted as the villain. He’s very overprotective and possessive of you. After all, you’re his lovely S/O! He loves to spoil you and spend time with you, even if you want to or not. He of course loves you and wants you to have friends so I don’t think he’d isolate you, but he does want them to know you belong to him. What better way than marriage?! Don’t be surprised when Kalim asks for your hand in marriage, of course, it’ll wait till after graduation but regardless! He may enlist the help of Jamil, who has no other choice but to help him. Despite being against it, he goes with it. Thinking you could confide in him, he convinces you to go along. You have no magic and no understanding of how this world works. What if you can’t find a way back home? If that's the case, why not stay with Kalim? Not only do you get his name but untold riches! Way better than your life back home, no? Not to mention, you’re powerless here. Kalim and his family name can grant you protection. I doubt Crowley would let you live here at the dorms past your life here at NRC. Being with Kalim is like a dream come true! You’d be wise to accept. Jamil always did look at things on the more logical side, a solution that benefits both parties. Kalim gets you and you get his protection. You can expect him to stand up for you when things get rough. If anyone chooses to pick on you, he’s right there to defend you. 

On a scale, he’s a 5/10. I don’t think he’d harm you physically or do anything against you, but he’s such a manipulator. His words are soft and lovely. You melt like butter when he tells you how much he loves you, how much you mean to him. It’s true, under his love you’ll be protected and his love is so sugary sweet. Just like sugar, too much is bad for you and overbearing, his love is suffocating. You’ll live a lavish life at the cost of your privacy and your attention. Keep your eyes on him, yeah? 

Jamil Viper 

Alright, let’s get into this man’s life. Jamil. Dear lord, his traits are overprotective, possessive, manipulative, and obsessive. How did I reach that conclusion? Well, let’s dive into Jamil’s life. Honestly, he never interested me as much until we got to book 4, I genuinely believed him for a second with the whole Kalim situation but then I realized, shit. He got me. Jamil is a character to whom I want to introduce a new scale, one that I thought of using for a while but I guess never got to use it. Revealing that at the end! 

Okay so, I want to start off with a trait and then get my point across smoothly. So, starting off strong, Jamil is possessive. His possessiveness stems from his fear of losing you to someone better than him, like Kalim. In book 4 we’re introduced to Kalim’s and Jamil’s relationship. One of a master and a servant, as much as Kalim doesn’t treat Jamil like that, it doesn’t change the fact that that's how it is. Jamil was born into a servant family and Kalim into their masters. He has had to be their food tester, has had to prepare the food to avoid someone poising it, shit he probably has taken a bullet for him at some point. If not now, maybe in the future but that’s the way it is. He’s there to serve, granted he can also live a life of his own, but it’s not really living if he has to hold back to let Kalim live more comfortably. Jamil wants to show his abilities, he wants time in the spotlight that he has to, unfortunately, give up to Kalim. This is why I see him as possessive, his S/O is HIS. Just his, a little indulgence if you will. His little secret. Kalim can have any and everything, just not you. If Kalim ever were to take an interest in you, god forbid, Jamil would be quick to guide Kalim away. 

“No, you don’t want them! Your family is very high up, they won’t settle for [Reader]. It’s better to pick someone better, trust me Kalim.” Maybe even slander you? “[Reader] can’t cook, besides they’re an outsider. Your parents would never approve of someone so useless and mysterious.” He’d even try to get him into an arranged marriage so that he can’t get to you. Yeah, he’s that possessive. Which ties in with his obsession. However, you manage to catch his eye, he’s hooked. He is constantly observing you, gathering what information he can on you, and seeing what you like and dislike. He’s not stalking you as you may think, but the information he gathers on you is scary. If anything, it’s to be a better partner. He knows what you enjoy so you can talk about your hobbies and interests, he knows what meals you like so expect him to make them often. He knows what makes you tick, and how to get under your skin but he also knows what you support and seek in someone. He knows things about you that you’ve never revealed and he claims you’ve said before and just forgot. 

Manipulative. He can and will gaslight you. Try his hardest to make you see his side of the story. He’s not above using his ability to make you listen to him. He rather uses it as a last resort, but if he needs to, it’s there. Unlike Kalim, he will isolate. You start losing friends. He’ll end up taking too much of the time that eventually you start turning down invitations and start spending time with him. You’re slowly losing your friends and actively choosing to seek out Jamil now. That’s what he wants, while yes he played a part in it he managed to shift all blame to you. Yeah, he asked you out at first but now YOU’RE the one seeking him out. Not him. All is according to plan. Aside from isolating you, he’ll do what he can to make you keep your attention on him. Look at him. Speak to him only. Love him and nobody else. Stay with him forever. You start seeking him out and that’s when he knows he’s won. He’s so overprotective, constantly looking after you. He has a tight schedule that you follow, it’s for your benefit he says. Eventually, your life starts to be dictated by him. I want to say that after a while, he trusts you around Kalim. You can assist him in his duties and you can lighten his load. You can help him study, you can run errands, can watch over him, etc. At some point, he’ll let the power dynamic get to him and have you do impossible tasks. His relationship with Kalim is the same as yours, except he's the master and you’re the servant. He does love you, but he sometimes lets it slip. He just enjoys the roles being reversed for a bit. 

What's the scale change I want to make? It’s rope, chain, and saw. The rope is soft, their control over you is minimal and it’s usually held with rope. A knot that isn’t too secure but can come undone. The chain is a little bit stricter, there is a key to remove but it’s usually only given after you’ve made them happy for a while. The saw is that these crazy ass mfs took your leg babes, they sawed that bitch off!! Their control is so strong they clipped your wings, and you’re not leaving. So why is this relevant, well. . .I see Jamil using that as a last resort. We jumped a couple of chapters so let me start at the beginning. If you like Vocaloid, there is this song called ‘purgatory and the canary girl’, and honestly, that's how I see your relationship with Jamil. I feel like you’re a doll, a bird in a cage for his viewing pleasure only. You’re not something that he has to give to Kalim or the Asims. You’re his. His to control, his to enjoy, his to exploit, his to love, etc. This is something he can have. He hates being second. He hates having to give up his well-deserved spotlight because his status says he can’t have it. He hates it, he loathes it but it’s okay. He’s willing to give it all up, as long as he can keep you. So like a caged bird, he’s not letting you see anyone. You’re not interacting with anyone aside from him and the people he lets near. If you escape him, yeah he’d probably be one of the few who are willing to look for permanent solutions to make you stay. So yes, he might cut your leg(s) off to ensure you don’t leave him. 

His scaling aside from the saw is a 9/10. Man is committed to doing anything as long as you gaze at him only. Would he take your eyes? Now I’m getting sidetracked but no because I see him as someone who still wants you to look at him. However, if the cage isn’t enough he’s willing to clip a few wings to get you to depend on and rely on him entirely. He’s dangerous because he’s not above certain limits, he’s fine with keeping you as you are. 

[vodika-vibes]

Hi! I was wondering if you could write a fic about CX-2, because he needs some love and maybe a reader or S/O could rescue him from tantiss and take care of him and feed him good food and make sure he’s happy and healing

Idk if he is tech or dogma or anyone we’ve met before cause nameless clones deserve so much love and idk why I feel lowkey emotional, but it made me so sad when he got turned into a kebab, after all the torture and stuff he went through, I just wanted to hug him

Anyways, I hope you have a wonderful day!

In The End

Summary:  It’s been a year, 12 long months, since the last time that you saw CX-2. You went on a date with him, and then he vanished, with only a simple message saying that he had to work and that he’d contact you when he could. And then he fell off the face of the map. And now, almost a year later, and with the able assistance of a group of Wookie Mercenaries, he’s back with you, safely on your ship headed for the haven you’ve arranged beforehand.

Pairing: CX-2 x F!Reader

Word Count: 1359

Warnings: None

Tagging: @trixie2023 @n0vqni @imabeautifulbutterfly

A/N: So as much as I love Tech and Dogma, I love the idea more that CX-2 is someone else entirely. So, here you have CX-2 being happy with his family. I just needed to take a break from my AU event, I have so many ideas for them, but it's like there's a traffic jam in my brain, I can't get the words to word.

Your knuckles are white as you grip the sleeves of your jacket. You’re very, very stressed. But then, you’ve been stressed for the better part of a year.

Hopefully, now that CX is safe, your stress levels will drop to a more reasonable level. And your medical droid will stop chiding you to practice yoga. That would be nice.

Speaking of said medical droid—

The door to the infirmary slides open and the silver droid hovers out and over to you, “The Patient is awake and aware. There seems to be no lasting damage due to his year-long confinement.”

“So I can see him?” You ask.

“He needs his rest.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

The Droid sighs heavily, a very human reaction you can’t help but notice, but then he nods his head. “You brought him food, I take it.”

“Uh, yeah,” You gesture to the small tray of some of CX’s favorite foods. A pasta dish, with some roasted veggies, and a proper dessert. 

The droid eyes the food critically, and then nods, “That is all acceptable.” He says, “I am returning to my charging dock.” And then, abruptly, he hovers off.

You watch him fly into another room, and then slowly stand and grab the tray of food. Hopefully, he’ll be happy to see you. It’d be heartbreaking if you went through all of this trouble, and he wasn’t happy to see you.

Lightly, you knock on the door and then press the control to allow the door to slide open when you hear an answer from inside. You step into the room, making sure to shut the door behind you before you focus your attention on him.

He looks…well, he doesn’t look well.

Oh, sure, he’s still the handsome man that you fell in love with. Only he’s lost a lot of weight, his abdominal muscles are clearly defined, not protected by the thin layer of fat that gave him a very pleasant squish. He also has bags under his eyes, and you’re pretty sure that there’s a hint of grey in his dark curls.

But he’s still CX.

Your name falls from his lips, he looks astonished to see you, and then he averts his gaze, as if ashamed of something.

And that just won’t do.

You cross the small room and set the tray of food on an open table, and then you reach out for him, stopping just shy of touching him. “I missed you,” You say, your voice soft.

His dark eyes snap to meet yours, and the smallest smile crosses his face. “I missed you more,” CX replies, his voice slightly raspy, and for once, you believe it.

He reaches up and takes your hands in his and pulls your hands to his face, and you eagerly cup his face, content to feel his warm skin against your hands again. You don’t fight him when his arms snake around your waist and he pulls you as close as he can without pulling you onto the bed.

He buries his face against your chest and just breathes.

You gently card your fingers through his curls, your other hand moving from his cheek to wrap around him, holding him as tightly as you can. Just enjoying him.

You lightly drop a kiss on the top of his head, “I thought you were dead,” You murmur against his hair.

He trembles slightly, “I’m sorry. I never meant to disappear.”

“I’m not mad.”

“You should be.”

“Never.”

He pulls back, and looks up at you, “Cyare,” this time his hands come up to cup your face, “You don’t understand, I’ve hurt so many people—”

“It doesn’t matter.” You reply, “Not to me. You didn’t have a choice, CX. I know that.”

“That doesn’t make it right.”

You shush him gently, “We’re going somewhere else. Somewhere where the Empire can’t touch you ever again. You have brothers there.”

CX looks baffled for a moment, “Brothers?”

“I think they called themselves Nil…or null?”

He blinks at you, “We’re staying with the Nulls?”

“Yeah, when I was looking for you, I managed to stumble over them. We’ve been offered a place with them. They have a whole settlement for clones and their families.”

“Even clone assassins?”

“All clones,” You reassure, “What do you think?”

He looks uncertain for a moment, “I suppose we can try it out, and see if it works.” CX finally agrees, and then he pulls you in so he’s able to press his face against your chest again, “cyare?”

“Hm?”

“What scent are you wearing?”

“What scent am I—?” You pause and your face flushes, “Oh, right. I’m not, not really.” You gently push him back and lean in to kiss his forehead, “There’s actually something I need to get for you, I left it in my room.”

CX peers at you, “Can it wait?”

“It’s a surprise. And I think, well hope, that you’ll like it.”

CX watches you for a moment, and you smile at him reassuringly, “I’ll be right back, I promise.”

He unwraps his arms from around you, “Alright,”

You beam at him and quickly drop a chaste kiss against his lips before you turn and hurry out of the room. You’re vaguely aware of him sitting up in the medical bed and swinging his legs off the edge as the door slides shut behind you.

You walk the short distance to your room, and don’t bother shutting the door behind you. There’s no need, you’ll only be in here for a moment, after all. You walk around your bed (big enough for you and CX to share), and lean over the much smaller bed, a loving smile crossing your face as you look at the face of your sleeping daughter.

CX’s daughter.

He vanished before you even found out that you were pregnant, so hopefully, she’s a good surprise.

You scoop Eli into your arms, adjusting her weight so she’s comfortably nestled against you, and you head out of the room. The scent that CX asked you about was baby powder, which you seem to always smell like since giving birth to Eli.

You step back into the infirmary, and CX opens his mouth to say something but stops when he sees Eli.

“...cyare?”

You sit on the bed next to him, “This is Eli, she looks like you.” You lightly brush a dark curl off your daughter's forehead, “Luckily, can you imagine if she got stuck with my hair color and your skin tone?”

CX doesn’t say anything, you glance at him and notice that he’s staring at Eli, wide-eyed.

“I found out that I was pregnant 2 weeks after you vanished,” You explain, “She’s 5 months old now. Would you like to hold her?”

“Can I?” He asks, his gaze darting to your face, “Am I allowed?”

“She’s your daughter, you silly man. Here.” You pass the baby over to CX, and adjust his arms so that he’s cradling her properly, “She’s a very calm baby, she doesn’t fuss a lot.”

Cx stares at Eli, mesmerized, “Was the pregnancy easy?”

You shrug, “Unimportant, I had plenty of help.”

“Cyare—”

You smile at him adoringly, “Next time, we’ll do it properly.”

He blinks at you, “Next time?”

“Um, well…if you want a next time.” You correct sheepishly.

You watch as he brushes a finger down Eli’s nose, “I’d like there to be a next time.” CX murmurs, “I can’t believe you gave me a baby.”

“Well, you gave her to me first,” You say with a soft laugh, “I’m just returning the favor.”

He glances at you and a genuine smile, the first one since you’ve been reconnected, crosses his face. “We’re going to be okay,”

“Of course we will.” You lightly lay your head on his shoulder, “We’re going to be better than okay, we’re going to be great.”

You feel him press his head against yours, “I love you,” The words are soft as if he’s not sure he has the right to say them, and you smile. 

You turn your head and press a kiss against his bare shoulder, “I love you too, CX.”

[marie-swriting]

Trust You - Stiles Stilinski

Masterlist

Emails I Can't Send Masterlist

Summary : Your trust issues are getting worse as they start ruining your relationship with Stiles.

Warnings : hurt/comfort, angst, trust issues, mention of cheating parent, bad relationship with parents, self-sabotage, maybe some grammatical mistakes as English is not my first language, tell me if you see some or if I missed any warnings.

Word count : 3.5k

French Version

Song inspiration : Emails I Can't Send by Sabrina Carpenter

‘Sorry, I’ll have to cancel tonight, I’m so tired because of lacrosse.’

You reread Stiles’ message at least three times before answering him with a simple ‘don’t worry, get some rest’. Even if your message seems insignificant, but your insecurities hide behind it.

Everytime Stiles can’t hang out with you because something comes up, a small voice comes talking to you just to scare you : ‘He doesn’t love you. He’s still in love with Lydia. He went to meet her. Or maybe he’s with Malia. Either way, he’s not with you. He cancelled to see another girl and spend the night with her because you’re not good enough.’. And lately, Stiles has cancelled a lot of dates, giving that small voice more strength. You’re struggling to not listen to it, but it can be convincing. You think Stiles would never hurt you, he’s loyal, but your fear is bigger than your trust.

That night, instead of being in your boyfriend’s reassuring embrace, you don’t sleep. You lay in your bed, hugging a pillow and letting tears wetting your cheeks. When your alarm rings, the idea of lying to your parents about being sick is really tempting for about a second, but you don’t want to stay in this house that hasn’t been a home for a week now. You need to leave, so you get out of bed and get ready for school.

When you arrive at Beacon Hills High, Stiles comes to you in an instant. He apologises again before taking you in his arms. You try to not show anything even if this small voice comes back in your head : ‘He’s probably not really sorry for looking elsewhere. He’s going to leave you for Lydia soon.’. You shake your head to chase it away unsuccessfully. During the morning, you stay silent and Stiles starts to worry. He noticed since the second you arrived something was wrong, but he is sure something’s up when lunch break comes. Indeed, you eat quickly and leave right after, pretending you have an assignment to do ; Stiles understands something's wrong with you even though he doesn't know what or why. In fact, you left when Lydia talked about what happened when she was at Stiles’, the day before. You felt a lump in your throat and you needed to be away from Lydia and Stiles. You ran away to the bathroom to cry freely. Your mind keeps torturing you, the voice was right : he wants to leave you for Lydia. He lied to you. You cry until the bell rings.

For the remainder of the day, Stiles tries to talk to you, in vain. You avoid him while your sadness slowly turns into anger. Though, Stiles is stubborn so he proposes to drive you home. For a moment, you want to refuse, but you need to confront him so you accept. You quickly send a message to your mom, telling her she doesn’t need to come pick you up. On the way home, you’re lost in your thoughts, trying to find the best way to talk to Stiles. As for him, Stiles drives nervously. When he parks in front of your home, you finally decide to not talk to him, wanting to avoid a new argument. You’re about to leave the Jeep when he holds you back. You look at him, fearing what he might say. Maybe the voice was right : you’re not good enough, he wants someone else, he’s already found someone else.

“Y/N, what’s the matter ?” He genuinely asks.

“Nothing.” You lie, making his eyes roll.

“I know you, there’s something wrong.”

You look at him for a second, weighing pros and cons before choosing to confront him.

“Why did you cancel last night ?”

“I told you, I was tired because of lacrosse.”

“You could have come to my place anyway. It’s not like we were gonna party. You know, if you wanted to be somewhere else or hang out with someone else, you could just have told me.”

“What are you talking about ? After school, I went home and slept.” He wants to know, frowning.

“Really ? So why didn’t you tell me you saw Lydia ?” You retort, crossing your arms on your chest.

“She just came for a few minutes, she needed to pick up something.”

“What thing ?”

“A book for school.”

“You couldn’t have given it to her today ?”

“She needed it to do her homework for today.”

“You could’ve told me.”

“Y/N, she stayed five minutes. I don’t need to tell you everything I’m doing.” He defends himself and you laugh humorlessly.

“You cancelled our night and Lydia came to your place, I think I have the right to know.”

“Why are you making such a big deal out of it ? It was for school.”

“I’m not making a big deal, but you lied to me.” You insist, pointing at him with your finger.

“I didn’t lie to you, when she left I went straight to bed because I was tired.”

“And when were you gonna tell me she came to your place ?”

“I didn’t think it was that important. Honestly, Y/N, why are you always so tense whenever Lydia comes up ?” He questions and you try to keep a neutral face.

“I just don’t like the way she’s glued to you.”

“She’s not glued to me.”

“Yes, she is, but how could you notice ? You’re too busy admiring her to notice it.”

“What are you even talking about ?”

“I’m just saying you’re really close to Lydia and almost every time you’ve cancelled it has been to see her.” You explain and Stiles runs his hand over his face, frustrated.

“She’s a friend.”

“Before you wanted more.”

“Yeah ‘before’, like you said. Why do you always mention the feelings I had for her ? Nothing ever happened and nothing will ever happen with her.” Stiles affirms.

“You should keep that in mind and tell her as well.”

“Y/N, honestly, I don’t see the problem.”

“I’m just stating a fact : Lydia is always glued to you so admit it.”

“Admit what ?” He demands, annoyed.

“You know what.”

“No, really I don’t.”

“Don’t take me for a fool, Stiles.” You order, dryly.

“What are you accusing me of ?”

“I’m not accusing you of anything.”

“Yet it feels like it. And it’s not the first time you do that. Everytime we argue, you mention Lydia, or even Malia, even when they don’t have anything to do with it.”

“What are you insinuating ? I’m annoying ? I’m overreacting ?” You snap, on the defensive.

“I’m just saying I feel like you’re accusing me of being too close to Lydia even though I didn’t do anything.”

“But you’d want to.”

“Honestly, at that point, yeah, like that I’d know what you’re accusing me of.”

As soon as Stiles says his sentence, his eyes open wide as he realises what he just said. Your eyes get teary but you’re holding them back.

“Y/N, I-” He tries to say but you cut him off.

“Fuck you.”

You take your bag and leave the Jeep before slamming the car door and running to your home. Stiles hesitates for a second to follow you but decides to not do anything, knowing you won’t listen to him. You go to your room and lock yourself in. Angry tears run down your cheeks while you’re trying not to scream. You’ve already argued with Stiles before. Several times. Too many times, even. But he never went that far. All of this because you pushed him over the edge, but he did admit that if he could, he’d go to Lydia. You throw yourself on your bed, take your pillow and you yell in it. You let all your rage leave your body while your sobs become stronger and stronger. You keep telling yourself you’ve ruined everything because of your insecurities, you let them talk so much that you’ve ended up pushing Stiles in Lydia’s arms. You ruined everything because you have trust issues. It seems like you haven’t been able to give your trust for the past two years. After crying for an hour, you start breathing slowly to calm down. When you finally have a normal heart rate again, your bedroom’s door opens, letting you see your dad.

“We need to talk, Y/N”, your dad starts but you don’t answer, “You can’t keep ignoring me, Y/N, please.”

“Not today, I don’t have the strength.” You sigh standing up from your bed.

“No, it can’t wait anymore, we need to talk about it.”

“There’s nothing to say. Leave me alone, I don’t want to talk to you.” You try to push him away, but he doesn’t move.

“Too bad, because we’re gonna talk.”

Understanding he’s not going to let go, you pass by him and leave your room.

“Come back here.” Your dad orders behind you.

“No.”

“For how long are you going to stay mad at me ?”

“‘Til the day you’ll be able to change the past.” You scream while walking to the living room.

“God, Y/N, even your mom forgave me.”

“And she shouldn’t have”, you explode, looking your dad in the eyes, “If it were me, I would have never forgiven you as quickly. Or at all.”

“Please, I don’t like to see my little girl angry at me.”

Your dad tries to softly put his hand on your cheek but you step back. You see the hurt in his eyes but you don’t care.

“Maybe you should’ve thought about it before destroying our family in one selfish night and I forbid you from calling me ‘your little girl’.”

“That night was a mistake. I regret it.”

“Is that the truth or a lie, like the time you pretended you were sleeping so you missed our family night ?” You interrogate, pretending to be clueless.

“Y/N, I’m sincerely sorry for the way I lied.”

“Don’t say sorry now, it’s too late.”

“Please, I’m trying to take a step towards you.” He begs, making you angrier.

“I don’t care. The fact is you let us down for some woman ! Because of what you did, mom was in the depth of despair. You made her suffer and you hurt me too. I don’t trust you anymore.”

“I know and I’ll spend the rest of my life resenting myself for it.”

“So you can understand why I don’t want to forgive you. You don’t know what it feels like to see the person you looked up to destroy the confidence you had. Now I can’t even look at you !” You retort, feeling the tears coming back and your dad looks down, ashamed.

“At least, tell me what I can do to fix this.”

“There’s nothing to do. I wish there was but you can’t do anything. You tore our family apart and I hate you for it. You talked about respect, fidelity and it didn’t stop you from betraying mom.”

You’re panting because of your anger. You take a second to try and calm yourself down before adding with a harsh tone “You disgust me. You’re such a dipshit.”

“You can be angry but I forbid you from talking to me like that !”

At the same time your dad reprimands you, you hear someone knocking on the door. You’re breathing quickly while you’re walking to the entrance. You turn back to your dad one last time “I don’t give a fuck.”

As you open the door, you find Stiles. You look at him and suddenly your tears roll down your cheeks. He smiles at you awkwardly, not knowing what to do because of what he just heard.

“Can we leave, please ?”

He hears your broken voice, Stiles doesn’t waste a second before taking your hand and walking you to his Jeep. Your dad follows you, ordering you to come back. As a response, you flip him the bird while Stiles starts his car.

You drive in silence. Your anger towards your genitor cools down, but you still feel a pain in your chest because of your discussion. You never would have thought you’d say those kind of awful things to your dad, but you also never would have thought he’d hurt you, both you and your mom. You try to wipe your cheeks but they become wet again a second later.

After driving for thirty minutes, Stiles pulls over next to a park. He looks at you with sympathy, trying to find a way to start the conversation. You take several breaths before looking at him.

“Wanna talk about it ?” Stiles questions with a soft voice.

“There’s not a lot to say”, you sniff, “I guess you heard everything.”

“Just when you insulted him.” He confirms while he offers you a tissue.

“He deserved it.”

You take the tissue and wipe away your tears before blowing your nose.

“Why did you come to my place ?” You start again.

“I… I wanted to apologise. I shouldn’t have said I wanted to be with Lydia. First of all because it’s not true, but also because I hurt you. I feel bad because I caused you pain.”

“You don’t have to apologise, Stiles.” You state with a small voice.

“Of course I do ! I was being mean when I said that.” he retorts, mad at himself.

“I pushed you over the edge. I’m always trying to find you flaws to turn them against you, even though you did nothing wrong. I hurt you because I can’t trust. It’s my fault if you said that.”

“You didn’t force me to say it.”

“I made you mad to force you to admit something that isn’t true. I’m sorry for always blaming you of cheating on me with Lydia. I know you’re honest, but I can’t help but be afraid.” You admit, ashamed.

“You feel threatened by Lydia ?” He asks, trying to understand.

“If it wasn’t her, it’d be Malia and if it wasn’t her, it’d be another one. I… I’m just so afraid you’re going to look elsewhere.”

“Does it have something to do with what I heard ?”

As a response, you nod. You stay silent for a second, wondering if you should talk to him about it. Finally, you tell yourself you’ve probably already ruined everything so it’s better to admit it.

“My dad cheated on my mom two years ago. She discovered it a few months after that and then, she broke up with my dad. When I learned the truth, I had so much hatred towards him.”, you inform and you feel the tears coming back, “I never would have thought he’d do something like that. But I think the worst part was watching my mom when she learned about it. She didn’t leave her bed for a week, she was almost eating nothing. I tried to take care of her as much as I could. Never I’d thought I’d see my mom like that. When she started feeling better, we moved here. She wanted to be as far away from my dad as she could and honestly, I wanted the same.”

“Your dad came back to see you ?”

“No, my mom forgave him”, you explain, rolling your eyes, “They got back together four months ago. When she told me, I got so mad. How could she act as if nothing happened when he hurt her that much ? When he hurt us that much ? He came back home a week ago and since then, it’s been tense. I try to avoid him as much as I can, but he absolutely wants to talk to me and you saw how it generally ends up.”, you say with a fake laugh, “Anyway, that’s why I’m always afraid. Since his betrayal… I can’t have faith in people anymore.”, you admit while looking at your hands, “At least, until I met you. And even if I do, it’s not 100%. I’m always afraid you’ll hurt me, like he did. My parents were so in love and my dad was so respectful towards my mom, I never would have imagined he could cheat on her and now, I’m scared the same thing will happen to me.” You unveil looking at him, hoping he’ll understand. “And I know you gave me zero reason to doubt you, but my dad also gave my mom zero reason to doubt him and it didn’t stop him. I know I’m villainising you, trying to make up love affairs, but I can’t help it. Because of my dad, I can’t help but imagine the worst. I know I’ve always been the cause of our fights and because of that, I hurt you a lot but I swear to you, I don’t want to hurt you and even less ruin our relationship, but I can’t do it differently. I feel like I can’t love right and I hate that.” You cry.

Stiles cups your face, trying to wipe away your new tears. You close your eyes when you feel his touch, liking your closeness.

“Y/N, it’s okay.” He mutters and you break the embrace.

“No, it’s not.”, you affirm, “I’m ruining our relationship because of my stupid fears, my relationship with my dad isn’t going to be fixed soon and even my relationship with my mom is not for the better now and I have so much anger in me.”

“It’s normal, you’re hurt. You have the right to be angry.” Stiles assures you and you shake your head.

“But I don’t want to spend the rest of my life angry, especially if I end up hurting you because of it. And also, I’m not only mad at my dad, but also at myself.”

“Why ?”

“Even if my dad fucked up, I still love him. Earlier I told him I hated him to hurt him, but I didn’t mean it. I wish I could, but I can’t and at the same time, I can’t forgive him.” You sob.

“We’re talking about your dad, it’s okay to be mad at him and still love him.”

“Do you think I should pardon him ? After all, my mom did it and he asked for forgiveness several times.”

“I can’t make that decision for you. Do it only if you feel the need. Your dad betrayed you, he has no right to force you if you don’t want to do it. Your mom made that choice, it doesn’t mean you have to do the same.”

“But what if it was the solution to move on and finally be able to fully trust you ?”

“I think you should work on yourself first to know if you need to forgive him or if you can trust again without it.”

“But what about us ?” You whisper, fearing his response.

“We’ll do what you want. I… I’d understand if you want to break up with me to focus on your family problems.” He states, even if the idea of being away from you scares him.

“I don’t want to lose you, I can’t lose you, Stiles. Right now, you’re the person I trust the most, even if it doesn’t look like it. I don’t want to do it alone, I need you next to me.”

“Alright, I’ll stay then.” Stiles smiles, wiping a tear from your cheek. “But from now on, I want you to talk with me. I don’t want you to stay alone, torturing yourself by imagining the worst. When you feel like it’s becoming too much, come talk to me, okay ?”

“Okay. Thank you Stiles. Not only for listening to me, but also for not giving up on me, despite everything I put you through.”

“You’re worth it.” He affirms and you look at him with tenderness in his eyes.

“And I’m really sorry for everything I said.”

“It’s okay, I’m not mad at you.”

You throw yourself in Stiles’ arms, needing his comfort. When he holds you tighter, you finally let go of a sigh and your shoulders relax a bit, as if every tension from your body were gone. Stiles strokes your back, hoping to calm you down a little bit more. You hide your head in the crook of his neck, wanting to feel his presence. Even if it was nerve wracking, you know now you needed to talk to him about your dad and your fears. Talking to him about it allowed you to realise your trust in him has become a little bit stronger. Now, you’re sure Stiles would never hurt you. He knew how to be patient and didn’t give up on you, even if you gave him every reason to. You’re grateful for having him next to you. You know, one day, you’ll trust him entirely.

Masterlist

Emails I Can't Send Masterlist

{This is my side blog so I'll be answering comments under the username @marie-sworld}

[jeonqkooks]

isn't it romantic? | myg (prologue)

⟶ SERIES MASTERPOST

Many things in life have a polar opposite: left and right, night and day, yin and yang, you and Min Yoongi... Hopeless romantic meets gloomy cynic. The only thing you seem to share is a magazine column but even then, you still can’t seem to understand how Yoongi can be called ‘The Love Doctor’ when he is the antithesis of everything love represents. 

pairing: yoongi x f!reader; past taehyung x f!reader

rating: 18+ (minors dni)

genre/warnings: coworkers to lovers, fluff, angst, eventual smut; crying, central themes of cheating, that's pretty much it for the prologue

word count: 777

note: the yoongi brainrot is real y'all. he's really wreaking havoc on my life and forcing me to drop everything to focus on him when i have no much other shit to write 😩 but anyhow, this is exciting !! my first yoongi fic aaaa !! please show her some love y'all cuz this may or may not be a deeply personal story to me 💕 i wanted to say more but i forgot just as i sat down to write this a/n lmao. ANYWAY, massive thanks to @daechwitatamic and @luaspersona for beta'ing this for me on such short notice (and jo for telling that there's stuff in here that i should go to jail for bc that's always the best thing to hear 😌) y'all are awesome and i love you <3 and @jeonwiixard for being hurt by this 😚

— as always, i’d appreciate any thoughts or comments you may have, and please drop a like and/or reblog if you enjoy reading ♡

You are 7, and life is good, as life should be for all children.

You have two parents who adore you, and a sister with whom you constantly bicker but that’s okay, because it’s how siblings love each other. You have constellations hanging from your bedroom ceiling, someone to read your bedtime stories every night, hot meals on the table every day. Every summer, your family takes a trip somewhere beautiful and a week feels like forever when it's just the four of you together, surrounded with only warmth and laughter. You don’t know any other way to live life.

Love is abundant, because that’s what love is supposed to be.

You are 7, and you don’t know how to accept that everything can be different in just a blink of an eye.

When your father comes back from a business trip, the first thing you do is dig through his bag in search of his phone, to look for that video game that you don’t understand but love playing so much. What you find instead, is a picture he took with a strange woman, on a beach somewhere, wearing straw hats and tacky shirts and bright smiles. You show it to your mother, and life forever changes.

Children can be nosy sometimes. It’s inherent to being kids.

You don't know what it means. It's just a picture. You just want your game.

You are 7, and how is a child supposed to react when their world is turned upside down?

No one reads you bedtime stories anymore. Your mother rarely goes out of her room. Your sister has to grow into an adult when she herself is still a teenager, to take care of you, to make sure that you’re fed and clothed and have all of your books when you go to school.

You don’t know that people can be sad even as they’re smiling and laughing. People can be sad even as they’re telling you that they aren’t, and that everything is just fine. People can be sad even when they’re happy.

Your mother doesn’t have that same light in her anymore. You can’t tell if she’s just tired, or if there’s something else bothering her, a secret gnawing at the back of her mind that she doesn’t let you in on.

Answers to simple questions like “When is dad coming home?” used to be “In an hour,” or “He’ll be back to read to you before bed.” Now, she answers you with tears in her eyes before she turns away, and you have yet to discover that words have the power to hurt, and hearts are things that can break even when they're healthy and beating.

Your sister learns to be more careful with her words because she knows things that you don’t, things that you’re too young to understand. She knows of burdens that you have yet to bear but will inevitably have to.

You are 7, and your parents aren’t holding up the sky anymore. Occasional late nights at the office turned into a constant absence at the dinner table. Laughter has since dulled into taut silence that never relents, only stretches on and on and on, until it forces you to adapt to the absence of joy in your home.

If someone were to ask you what envy was, you wouldn’t be able to tell them the definition, but you can describe to them what it’s like. It’s a foreign concept, yet so familiar at the same time. Before, you used to feel envious when you see another kid holding a cooler toy or wearing a prettier dress. Now, you’re envious when the other children at school have parents waiting to take them home after a long day. You don’t want your sister to be the only one who shows up. You want love to be abundant again.

You are 7, and you haven’t yet learned how to hold back tears. You miss your father because he rarely comes home anymore. When he does, your parents would argue. Yell at each other. Sob until screams turn into hiccups. Slam doors. You cry because the house feels like it’s going to collapse. 

You still remember the picture on your dad’s phone, or at least, you remember the color of the water. It was blue, like the color of the sky on a beautiful sunny day. Blue, like the cover of your favorite fairy tale, splattered with golden sparkles. Blue, like the walls of your parents’ bedroom. Blue, like the feeling that no child should experience. Blue, because that’s all you have to remember your stolen childhood by.

You are 7.

— all rights reserved © jeonqkooks. reposting, translating and/or modifying is not permitted by any means. [posted 24.04.2023]

[misslovasstuff]

Dazai x reader

Prove it

“Her? Mhm, well….”- Dazai itches his head, shifting his gaze to the floor. - She is nice. Yeah, nice.”

Atsushi and Kunikida raise their eyebrows as the bandaged brunette seemed to avoid a simple question:

Do you like Y/n?

“I mean, we don’t doubt her niceness, what we’re asking is if you fancy her by any chance?”- Oh, Kunikida was enjoying too much what seemed to have turned into a silly interrogation. He fixes his glasses with a smirk, leaning over Dazai’s shoulder:

“She’s totally your type, isn’t she?”

Dazai sighs, shaking his head with a vague smile.

“Just because Kunikida-kun doesn’t have an interesting love life it doesn’t mean you have to start investigating mine.”- he claims with a silly voice, once again provoking his colleagues’ nerves as Atsushi could have sworn he heard Kunikida’s glasses break as he grabs Dazai by the collar of his shirt, whispering all sort of funny insults, to which Dazai is completely immune by now.

“Kunikida-san, perhaps Dazai-san is not comfortable talking about his relationship with Y/n. Perhaps it is better to leave him be haha.”- Atsushi claims with a weak smile, trying to calm the chaotic situation.

Dazai sighs, rubbing his temple then explains:

“Look, to extinguish your curiosity, there is absolutely nothing going on between me and her. Are you blind to fail to see that she has no interest whatsoever in me? Plus, I’ve heard from Yosano she’s seeing someone already so…”

Kunikida widens his eyes to a rare sight; Dazai sighing and looking out the window as if the most beautiful tragedy had happened to him. The kind of misfortune that makes people write poems, listen to music and take long walks by themselves. The tragedy of loving someone you can’t ever have that makes you fragile but yet unbreakable, strong but weak in the heart and it gives you a slap back to a reality that you don’t want to accept. It hadn’t occurred to Dazai before, thus he wonders what this feeling is about and if he can do anything about it.

“Have you ever been rejected by a woman before?”- Atsushi asks, after which he hits himself mentally for asking such a question.

“No. - Dazai answers frankly, to which Kunikida scoffs.

“Well, at least Y/n will ground you a bit.”- he claims, putting his hands in his pockets. - How does it feel to love someone you can’t have?”

“Terrible.”- Dazai says, seemingly not sad, nor happy, he had a rather empty expression on his face, not letting out much emotion to understand what was really going on inside his head. - I see her, and I am struck by her beauty. God, when her eyes meet mine, each and every motioning becomes more intense for my heart. When she greets me and smiles at me so genuinely and gently like she knows how much that smile affects me, making even the sun jealous of her radiance and cheerfulness. Don’t let me get into how talented she is, and her cooking skills, oh and also did you know that she reads poetry? She gave me her favourite book and underlined all verses she found beautiful and meaningful. On page 63, poem two, she had underlined two verses which were:

“I may not know your heart, but it knows me quite well. Am I resident or a foreigner to it?”

And she had written a smiley face on the corner of it, with a little note that said: “Mhm, Dazai?”

Not only that, but she is such a great-

Dazai kept blabbering about how fascinated he was by you while both Kunikida and Atsushi listened and came to a very unbelievable conclusion.

Dazai is so oblivious when he truly falls in love. Either that, or he’s trying to avoid that but still digs the idea of being in love and being loved so beautifully.

“I’m afraid to tell you this buddy but, - Kunikida touches Dazai’s shoulder. - You’re an idiot.”

Atsushi scoffs as he turns around to contain his laughter. Dazai’s face freezes with a smile like 😀

“Homegirl knows you like her, she literally wrote it down, what’s wrong with you?”- Kunikida snaps at Dazai, who now seems to be confused.

Little did they know that you were listening to all this go down, hardly containing your laughter.

The truth is, you and Dazai had been together for a while and no one is the agency knows. You told Yosano you were seeing someone, but funnily enough, even though they’re detectives, they don’t have a clue about your relationship, and you’re thinking is because your lover messes with their heads.

“Kunikida-kun, stop tormenting me! I’m telling you, she doesn’t like me. End of discussion.”- Dazai claims, getting up from his seat and stretching a bit.

“Where do you think you’re going?”- Kunikida asks as he watches Dazai’s tender figure walk away.

“To think about this unbearable pain of my weak heart, since my friends and colleagues don’t care.”

Atsushi holds back Kunikida from going after Dazai:

“He’ll never admit it that he likes her.”- Atsushi claims which gives Kunikida a rather sinister idea.

“Oh he will, I have a plan.”

There is a sudden change of atmosphere which leaves Atsushi a bit scared.

“Kunikida-san, w-what exactly are you planning to do?”- he asks, noticing a smirk from his mentor.

A little bit later/ Coffee shop

You are taking a sip of your hot coffee as rain hits the window by your seat. Although it is raining, you were feeling rather warm, and even though you were by yourself, you were fully enjoying your own company until the door of the cafe opens.

“I’ll take a black coffee, please.”- a unfamiliar voice says, which gets your attention. You turn your head and notice a tall man, build figure and blonde hair. He turns and faces you while waiting for his coffee.

“You don’t mind if I sit next to you while I wait for my coffee, yes?”- he asks with a beautiful smile, blue eyes shining right through.

“Mhm, sure it’s okay.”- you reply, mirroring a smile and scanning the man upfront.

The probability of a very handsome person, coming to this coffee shop while I’m the only one here and all the seats are empty, asking to sit next to me, and furthermore-

“So, what is such a beautiful lady doing here all by herself?”- he asks, looking at your hands holding the coffee cup, then looking directly at your eyes which made you gulp hardly.

“Drinking coffee.”- you reply rather coldly, not warning to give this guy the wrong impression.

“By yourself? Have you no one to accompany you? Maybe a boyfriend of yours?”- he continues to bring up weird questions. What was even weirder, was the fact that he was reaching for your hand, now holding it.

“Since you’re not answering, I’m assuming you do not have a man in your life. Such a catastrophe indeed. - he brings your hand close to his lips, caressing it. - I can offer myself as a candidate.”

“She’s not running any elections. - a sudden voice from behind makes your heart drop. - if that were the case, I would have known.”

You glance over your shoulder and see Dazai. He reached for your hand, shooing away the other guy’s who immediately flinches to the touch.

“Is it a habit of yours to approach lonely women in coffee shops? That’s kinda desperate and disrespectful.”- he continues, glaring at the guy who had widened his eyes.

“I’m just waiting for my coffee.”

“Wait for your coffee somewhere else. - Dazai claims with a cold tone of voice, making you shiver in what you would describe fear, but with a hint of pleasure.

He was so hot right now, for real.

“She didn’t tell me she had a boyfriend.”- the guy claims as he gets up from his seat.

“She doesn’t need to inform you about anything, really. Plus, I’m never too far away. - Dazai winks at you, getting your cheeks all heated up.

Now, - Dazai smiles, - get out of my sight.”

The guy gets out of the coffee shop, forgetting about his order which was now being served in your table.

“I’ll take that, thank you.”- Dazai claims, sitting down in front of you, not noticing the looks you were giving him.

That is, until he takes a sip and his eyes meet yours.

“Mhm? - he hums. - what’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong is the fantasy im having to have you right here, right now.”

“Woah woah, belladonna~, - Dazai almost spits his coffee. - What has gotten into you? I mean, I’m not complaining but-

“Dazai, do me right now, I swear I’m barely hanging on.” - you explain as Dazai notices your flushed cheeks and heavy breathing.

Damn, what happened? - he wonders.

He smirks and leans in, whispering: “But the coffee will go cold, love. Are you sure?”

“Don’t start teasing me. - you claim. - or would you rather have me do you at the agency while everyone watches so they can finally know that you are mine?”

“That’s … interesting. You’re so hasty, belladonna. Did I do something to turn you on this much?”- Dazai asks, biting his lip as he looks at you up and down with those gorgeous eyes of his that consumed your entire soul with one single glance.

“The moment right now, you being possessive and all, gosh. That was so hot of you.”- you lean in, exposing a bit of your chest to your boyfriend, on purpose obviously, to which Dazai responds by raising his eyebrows and staring at it for a bit.

“Oh really? You know what else I can heat up?”

“No I don’t know, enlighten me.”- you two lean even closer to one another, as Dazai is ready to whisper in your ear:

“That little -

“ALRIGHT THAT IS ENOUGH, point proven Atsushi let’s go!”- you hear Kunikida shouting from behind. They were not only seeing all this go down, but also orchestrated the whole thing.

“So you guys are together, awwww.”- Atsushi says, giving a weirdly firm handshake to you and Dazai. - Congrats, omg. Dazai-san that was so manly of you, Kunikida-san didn’t predict you’d actually go wild like that-

“Kunikida planned this?”- you ask, giving a disappointing nod.

“A perfect executed plan, and Dazai fell right into it. Now, you’ll stop lying and admit that you love this woman.” - Kunikida claims with a smirk, thinking that his partner would still pretend to be in denial.

“I love Y/n.”- he claims, still sipping his tea and acting unaffected by this whole scene, although in truth he was a bit conflicted on how to feel about it.

Upon his declaration of love, you melt, of course.

You caress his hand, to which Dazai smiles, starting to gesture you weirdly.

He means to get out of here. Now you had heated him up.

You nod, looking at Atsushi and Kunikida who are still looking at you both.

“Oookaaayy, - you get up, Dazai following you. - Since you put us into so much trouble, I guess you can pay for our coffee, no?”

As you walk towards the exit, holding hands, Kunikida’s shoutings accompany you:

“If anything I helped you! You owe me one, Dazai!”

You close the door behind you, giving a small sigh.

“You’re so troublesome you know that?”- you poke his nose, so which he responds by pulling you closer by your waist.

“I put you into so much trouble, huh? You’re the one making me go crazy over and over again.”- Dazai answers as you pull him by the belt of his pants.

Remind me, where were we?”- you ask and he smirks grabbing your hand, leading him to somewhere.

“I’ll remind you shortly.”

[olympeline]

@finoicc left this question on my Arthur in the Dark analysis and I decided I want to mull it over some more. Mull and write a longer answer than I left in the replies.

Using a cut again because of spoilers and discussion of heavy themes. Please don’t read on if that’s a problem for you!

Okay so, this is a big question in Arthur in the Dark: why does England give in to America in the rose garden? Why does he offer himself to America, only to panic and backpedal the moment they go further than kissing? He tells America he wants him back, but he can’t stomach it, and the encounter spirals down into rape. The trauma of which is what finally pushes England over the edge and breaks him. Letting Arthur resurface at last. It’s a powerful scene and a key part of the story, but it can be confusing as to why England allowed it. He could have said no when America prompted him to affirm consent. Or just never lead America on in the first place. So why didn’t he do either of these things?

To answer that, I think we have to get into some personal interpretations. AitD is often surreal and can be hard to understand. However, I’m fairly confident that one of its main themes is the trauma caused by different natures at odds within the same being. Natures that should work together but have slipped out of sync. The nation-people in Hetalia have two sides. The clue is in the name: they’re manifestations of countries, but they’re also people at the same time. People with their own thoughts and feelings, likes and dislikes, hopes and fears, etc. It can be difficult to pin down where the nation ends and the person begins, but the duality is definitely there. Canon is light and jokey so it never delves into the implications of this, but fanon is free to wonder.

Personally, I think the plot of Arthur in the Dark arose from England being polarised between his two sides. Unusually so for his kind. So he split to give both facets a way to express that part of him. Ironically “England” acts more human, while “Arthur” leans more towards being a personification. There’s crossover but that’s the idea, broadly speaking. We’re shown that early on in England’s life he was already tormented by his lot as a country. Already sick of it and wishing for something else. Which makes sense if you know England’s early history as Western Europe’s punching bag. We don’t know if this angst is common to nations and England just has it especially badly, or if it’s something unique to him. He hates the pain of being a weak land that’s constantly attacked and invaded, hates the constant battles to become and remain strong, and hates that his nature means he will spend his life alone. Alone aside from others like him who could become enemies at any time. Human lives are too short for them to be a real comfort and nation-people must love themselves before anyone else. They “can’t” feel the deepest most selfless love that humans can because they must be loyal to their citizens first. The comic reminds us of this many times, though it turns out to be untrue in the end. England has accepted this law, but still feels the pain of it very keenly. He’s desperately sad, desperately alone, and doesn’t like what he is. Because what he is is what’s made him feel this way in the first place. So he doesn’t like being a nation. Doesn’t like himself. Which is bad for a national personification because it means he doesn’t like England the country. Not deep down. Which is probably bad considering what he is and what it could mean for his people.

So England creates Arthur as a kind of mental and emotional “safety net.” Probably unintentionally but it happens somehow. Arthur is someone who can not only take over when the pain gets too much for England to bear, but also fulfill a crucial role he was failing in: loving England - England the country - more than anything else. Now, what Arthur actually is can be interpreted any number of ways. Is he a spirit? Is he magical? Is he a simple split personality? All of the above? None of the above? Is he unique to England or do all nation-people have two sides they can manifest? Does Arthur actually, physically exist or does England hallucinate him like his magical friends? Another America shows up briefly but this only makes it more mysterious. Was that America a product of the unraveling situation with England, or did he always have the potential to appear? We don’t know and so can only guess. Personally, I think Arthur is part of England rather than being another unique consciousness. I don’t think he’s “separate” or was ever there alongside England in the physical world. It’s why England disassociates and seems only aware of Arthur when he needs to be. England is especially magical even for a nation-person, and I think he was able to use his powers to push Arthur into “being” but only as a part of himself. Does that make sense? The despair was the cause, England’s strong magic was the ability, Arthur was born from these two things. England split into his gentler human side and his more ruthless national personification side. The worse his mental state, the further apart they’re pushed. But the split was an easy way out rather than a healthy one. Like it or not, England is a nation-person and denying his nature brought short term relief but long term problems. Especially after America came into the picture and England decided to imprison Arthur for fear America would be corrupted by his “bad” side. England’s growing strength as an empire protected him in some ways but brought more pain in others. Pain, but also a newfound fierce pride and vicious thirst for victory arising in Arthur. All needed to fuel Arthur’s strength so he could keep fighting, but disturbing to an England struggling to feel pride in anything related to his true nature. As the comic goes on and his relationship with America improves, England and Arthur start to seem more similar as they heal. America even commenting on it a couple of times. At the end, I don’t think Arthur disappears. I think he’s absorbed back into England and becomes part of him again as he always should have been.

Arthur was never England’s “bad” or “evil” side like they both believed. That came from, again, England being ill-at-ease with his nature as a personification. One thing Arthur definitely embodies is England’s lost sense of pride at being a country. An emotion England never wanted to feel because it reminded him of pain he couldn’t escape. Even a release from death is denied to a powerful nation. This ever present unease came sharply into focus when England found America. Found him, then started doing the very human thing of parenting and nurturing him. Nation-people seemingly don’t reproduce sexually, so this must have been odd for them. Or rather odd for England since America never knew any different. Odd for England to get that involved with what’s just a colonial project. Arthur got his name shortly after which “defined” him as a separate entity even more in England’s eyes. He thought the love between himself and America was something alien to their kind because they both cared for each other more than themselves. So he tried to protect this by pushing Arthur away. America knew it early on but it was a pleasant surprise for England that he was capable of feeling this way about someone. It gave him such comfort that he was desperate to preserve it at any cost. So denied his nature further and cut Arthur off from America. Only letting them come into contact during the American War of Independence. But Arthur and England can’t help bleeding into each other and so Arthur couldn’t land the final blow and stop America leaving when the time came. Afterwards England banishes him down into the dark, and is weakened significantly as a result.

England didn’t want America corrupted by Arthur - to be exposed to his “evil” personification side - so he never taught America anything about loving him. England doesn’t love England, especially with Arthur put aside, so he can’t teach America how to love England either. Only how to love him as a human. Which is why it eventually falls to Arthur to show America love for the country they represent. Gardening with him, quoting English poets, taking him on a roadtrip to show of English culture, etc. England never tried that with America. Their relationship is all England trying to give (a “sainted parent” as Arthur comments) without letting America love him back all the way. He wants a part of that love, wants it desperately, but won’t accept the full spectrum of love that America wants to give. Because that would mean America loved “vicious” Empire England. Ironically in trying to suppress his nature, England falls back on it. He tries to push America to love America first and best, rather than England. America seemingly never had a problem breaking their kind’s taboo and loving England most. It never clashed with his instincts of self-preservation as the personification of the United States. He never had a problem with it, but England absolutely did.

Which finally leads us back to what happened in the garden. It comes straight after the scene where England breaks down over America “not believing in him any more.” He knows America’s love for him has changed. It’s why he took the cowardly way out before the comic started. Why he willingly went blind so he wouldn’t have to see what he couldn’t bear. America was always comfortable loving England in a special way: as a human and nation both. Now mature, that all encompassing love includes eros. He’s able to love England first without it conflicting with his nature as a nation-person. He can accept England and love him as a father/mother/brother while also wanting him as a lover. Always could, even when it was only a child’s puppy love. It’s only England’s fear that ever taught him to doubt what came naturally. America’s love for England is all love at once, something humans aren’t capable of understanding. It’s why he kisses England, but then calls him “father and mother” in his letter just before the comic ends. England wanted America to only love him in a human way: child to parent. Only ever wanted America to love the “good” side he allowed him to see. He despairs when he realises America’s love has grown past that despite all his efforts. Despairs and, cut off from half his strength, gives in. Chooses the coward’s way again and decides it’s better to “go along” with being America’s lover than risk losing him. But England never realised that he was still Arthur (and Arthur was still him) even after trying to banish him. It’s not just the trauma of America refusing to stop, but also that England starts to enjoy the sex. But Arthur is still cut off to an extent, so England gets the worst of both worlds. He’s made himself too human to not be traumatized by sex with his “child.” His personification side is still simmering below the surface and lets him suggest the sex in the first place. Sparking unwanted lust, but too diminished to allow England to accept the encounter like he should be able to. So yeah, absolute worst of all worlds. He manages to traumatize both sides of himself at once by letting them fall out of balance and control him unevenly. It’s very complex because England’s emotional and mental state is hitting rock bottom by that point. He breaks because he can’t fight reality any longer, but he can’t accept it either. Not as he is: split, and too weak and exhausted to bear it. He’s trying to hang onto his last shred of happiness and stability as America’s beloved parent. Trying to keep America “believing in him” like any innocent child would the one who raised them. Trying to deny the growing need accept his true self and love America back in all ways. Trying to hold Arthur down and keep from succumbing to his “evil” side. Even as he gives in and does something a normal human would never. It’s a total mess and so is he. Too shattered and desperate to resist any longer.

That’s my analysis of the lead up and payoff to the garden scene. There’s still more, believe it or not, but I don’t want this post to scroll down forever. So let’s start wrapping up. After the garden scene and its fallout, both sides of England begin to heal when he allows Arthur out into the world. Let’s him interact with America and share Arthur’s love for England - the country part of himself - that America never got to see. In doing so, England and Arthur finally heal the trauma that split them and are able to merge back into one whole being. England is no longer afraid to look at America again. No longer despairing over losing the parental love America had for him. That love was never lost to begin with: it just became part of the full love America always felt for England. The full spectrum love of a nation-person at peace with both their human and immortal sides. Arthur teaches America to love England - the country - as he always has. In doing so, England - the personification - finally learns to do it too as part of Arthur. Stops fearing and starts to accept what he is instead of hurting himself by trying to suppress it.

The comic ends with England coming to terms with loving America as America has always loved him. Something only possible because of the love England can now feel for himself. He needed to understand that this love - and the Arthur part of him it came from - wasn’t a force of corruption. Only after accepting this would England permit himself to feel this way for America. To love America not just with his human side, but with all parts of himself. Parts that England is finally capable of loving as well. Now that Arthur is back as an essential facet of his psyche. Parts he no longer feels the need to hide away in the dark.

Anyway, that’s all I have to say other than I hope you enjoyed reading my analysis. I love this comic, man. I truly do. It’s so, so good. Really touched me as a piece of art. So glad I found it ❤️

[creatingnikki]

twenty-six things I’m grateful for at twenty-six 

growing up. the feelings of helplessness and frustration slowly washing away as you gain access to money and information. 

strawberry cream cakes, strawberry cheesecakes, strawberry chocolate brownie cakes, strawberries. 

a good night’s sleep. sleep that is 7+ hours, sleep that is not disturbed or day time sleep. but sleep at the “normal” night hours, sleep that is deep and restful. 

book readers who annotate their books and write the year/place of when they were reading it on the first page because when I come across second-hand books like that my heart.

fleeting intimacies. those brief, beautiful conversations and moments you share with strangers that you will never meet again. at a café, at the airport, at the open mic night. connections that are purely happenstance and a time being in your life. the beginning is the ending. but it doesn’t matter. they add something, if not to your life, but to your energy. even if you can’t trace it. 

the concept of crying. the release, the relief. if I didn’t have this, if I didn’t have this way of letting out my disappointment, overwhelmingness, tiredness, frustration, sadness, and pain, what would I do? what would I even do. 

dog/cat/pet owners who understand that just because they love their pet not everyone has to and some people are genuinely afraid and not horrible human beings for not going awww but uhhh when they see their pet.

translators, more specifically book translators. thank you so much for all your effort into making sure I can enjoy such beautiful literature from other cultures and languages. 

people who realize they were wrong about a certain perspective or life philosophy or stance and then course correct and acknowledge the same.

credit cards and essentially having quick access to credit in times of absolute need (fine line between hating cc and capitalism and using it to your advantage, I know). 

people who introduce me to new imagery which sounds so simple but hits my brain like the freshest of oxygen like my father saying my mother’s face began to glow like the moon when she smiled or a tumblr writer saying something makes their heart beam. 

earrings. long earrings that dangle against my neck and make me feel grown up, sometimes graceful, sometimes sensual. other types of earrings too. jhumkas. hoops. 

sunflowers. filler flowers. flower shops that keep newspaper to wrap flowers in. people who show up to my apartment with flowers. 

emails. I like that emails can be that perfect distance in communication but also so very efficient. they don’t demand instant replies like instant messaging. functional and timely. emails at work that exist in place of long meetings and emails from friends and lovers. my inbox feels like a mix of a treasure chest of precious words and an arcade of advertisements. 

older women who look at me not as competition but with this sentiment of wanting to protect/guide me, with this feeling of fondness, words of advice that aren’t patronizing but so very well meaning. 

good-quality, well-researched, engaging articles/blogs. blogs full of facts and figures that put things into perspective. blogs written in a witty and humorous tone that feel like you’re having a conversation with someone smart and warm. 

my family. my friends. for loving me even when I am difficult. even when I am bratty. for understanding the subtext of my words and actions. for accepting me even when I don’t accept myself. for reminding me of who I am when I can no longer understand the concept of self. thank you. 

clothing brands that have sizes bigger than large. clothing brands that have beautiful clothes and designs for sizes other than xxxxxxs. 

people who know how to make important days about you like your birthday and your first day at work and your heartbreak date idk. just people who aren’t so dense and don’t know what their energy/focus needs to be at what time when with others. 

glitter. glittery eyeshadow. glittery phone covers. glittery everything. all that glitters may not be gold but it does something to my brain and I love it. 

people who can help me let loose. goofy and silly and light doesn’t come naturally to me. my disposition is pensive, internally. even though externally I may seem so exuberant.  

context. the context behind a painting at an art gallery. context behind a meme. nothing is anything without context. so people who give you context, content that gives you context. 

selfies. give me a sense of control over capturing myself and my moments because with someone else behind the camera I am as awkward as awkward can get. 

the moon. stars. the sky. faraway things that are more complicated than just pretty things that make me calm. that make my mind calm. that make my heart feel less lonely. 

space. physical space, emotional availability, mental headspace. in me and in others. required but rare. 

all my past selves, all my younger selves for being. thank you for your wholesomeness, thank you for your resilience, thank you for your pureness, thank you for your decisions, thank you for your hope, thank you for your hard work, thank you for your crazy, your messy, your real, your beautiful. thank you for it all.

today is my twenty-sixth birthday and I wanted to take a bit to list down everything that makes my life lighter. there’s much more but now it’s time to go eat cake and click blurry, happy selfies.