#doesn’t it make you feel isolated to see humans and see only flaws?

[www-pinkhearse]

It’s becoming more and more worrisome to me that “gay men love women more then straight men” is becoming more and more real like I know there’s more nuance of course there is always but I’ll see gay men make videos with their gal pals like “I’m so lucky I’m not straight because I would never be able to choose between these amazing angels” meanwhile straight men will call women’s peach fuzz a “beard” and complain that their wives aren’t Skateboard thin AFTER GIVING FUCKING BIRTH

[halogenwarrior]

I feel like the large amount of capital-r Rationalist Worm fans has really negatively influenced some people’s interpretations of Taylor and her motivations. I sometimes see people treating her as this sort of platonic idea of utilitarianism or whatever moral philosophy you think she subscribes to, whose strengths and flaws are entirely the strengths and flaws of that philosophy in its ideal form. And having read the “rational fic writing advice of Eliezer “famous Harry Potter fic writer and comparer of Taylor to Hillary Clinton” Yudkowsky I can see where this idea comes from, because this is exactly how he says characters should ideally be written. He says he dislikes “gray and gray morality” where everyone is shown to have their flaws and hypocrisy, instead he likes conflicts where both sides are truly good rather than gray and the conflict is that they are completely true to different philosophies of what good is. To some extent, he has a point in this; there are works that use the existence of hypocrisy and self-serving as a “cheat” out of and easy answer to a conflict that really is supposed to be a clash between two pure “good” philosophical ideas (Pokemon Black and White my beloathed...). But in the end, characters who are just platonic ideas of philosophies are for philosophical essays and tracts; literature is for portraying humans in all of their psychological complexity, sometimes self-serving motives, and ways that, due to their individual humanity, they aren’t just walking philosophical mouthpieces and don’t match up completely with an ideology.

That being said, Taylor is actually quite human (and a human teenager at that, with all the expected immaturity) in this way and from author comments it seems that this is completely intentional. She doesn’t simply state her belief that Benevolent Warlordism is Better than the Corrupt Current Authority throughout the story and spend the whole time as the embodiment of that ideal. Instead, she starts out wanting to be a hero, and then she has a complete failure of her typically paranoid mindset with regards to Coil (taking him at face value of wanting to improve the city even though every politician says that and look how that usually turns out) because it’s what she WANTS to believe, so she can keep her new friends after feeling isolated while morally sanctioning her actions, and then does a surprise Pikachu face when it turns out Coil actually does bad things and her support is helping him do bad things, then spends the next few arcs running around trying to fix the one bad thing she feels particularly guilty of. It’s only after already setting herself up as a warlord to fix said guilt, solely caring about Dinah with the people she saves being incidental, that she justifies herself as the lesser of two evils compared to the corrupt status quo, a lot of the corruption of which she didn’t even KNOW ABOUT before already going ahead and deciding she was going to be a criminal. I’m saying this with genuine love for her character and acknowledgement that she isn’t a horrible monster and does some pretty admirable stuff, especially given her age and situation, and she certainly was always cynical, paranoid and judgmental with a determination for justice even if she didn’t know all the details of what was wrong with her world at the beginning, but it’s ridiculous and detracts from understanding of her character as a character and not a rationalist talking point to see her as some pure philosophical ideal from start to finish who is never making up her ideology as she goes along.

[sshbpodcast]

Character Spotlight: Tuvok

By Ames

It’s been a little while since we highlighted a Vulcan on the A Star to Steer Her By Character Spotlight Series. Like Spock, our pointy-eared Voyager crew member Tuvok has his best moments when he is making the audience consider just how human these green-blooded hobgoblins can be. Tuvok benefits from his pure logic so frequently on the show that he is usually the voice of reason in a quadrant full of chaos. But Tim Russ is just so good at the Vulcan nuance that he’s never just a walking rulebook but a living person with flaws and [repressed] emotions.

So join us in a game of kal-toh, which could take years to master, as we shine our spotlight on the Voyager chief of security and one of our favorite Vulcans of the franchise! You can check out all of Tuvok’s logical (and illogical) actions below and/or meditate with us on this week’s podcast episode (telepath over to 1:11:50). Live long and prosper!

[Images © CBS/Paramount]

Best moments

Do not underestimate your own potential Tuvok’s role as mentor to other crew members is frequently nice to see during their long journey. He has the experience, temperament, and patience to guide his comrades through turmoil, especially someone like Kes who has fledgling mental powers. Watching Tuvok meditate with our Ocampan friend in episodes like “Cold Fire” and “The Gift” is very nice to see in helping ground characters.

If you can’t control the violence, the violence controls you Not only is it a genuine joy to watch Tim Russ acting his ass off with the sensational Brad Dourif in “Meld,” but the insight into Tuvok’s motives is also fascinating. In this episode and in “Basics,” he’s trying to rehabilitate Suder’s psychotic mind, which is commendable, but also to understand it in the first place, something that someone like my favorite Voyager character isn’t used to.

Logic in the court Let’s also give Tuvok some credit for agreeing to represent Quinn in “Death Wish” even though he doesn’t agree with the Q’s desire to use the ruling to end his own life. But Tuvok treats the matter fairly and with an open mind, which is only the logical thing to do. Quinn helps him to understand his side of the argument as best he can and Tuvok respects him throughout.

I won’t be afraid, not if you’re with me Just because “Innocence” is a generally terrible episode with awful child actors, really obnoxious aliens, and a deplorable twist, doesn’t mean Tuvok isn’t still great in it. He really is! He’s so patient with the horrible children that he should get an award, and it’s so sweet when he agrees to sit with Tressa when her weird backwards life reaches its natural end.

Computer, Vulcan blend, hot Janice Rand can shut her mouth when she tries to insinuate that young Tuvok is brown nosing when he brings Sulu his tea on the Excelsior in “Flashback.” It’s just plain adorable and his rapport with Captain Sulu is just a delight to watch. Sure, he also insists that Sulu not go save Kirk, but that’s exactly what you’d expect a Vulcan to do.

I’ve seen the way you isolate yourself even in a crowd of people Tuvok’s conversation with Morena about isolation in “Alter Ego” reveals a lot about his character as someone who represses the loneliness he feels while a quadrant away from his family. He connects with Morena in a way no one else on the crew could because they don’t let themselves get close to people. So when he agrees to teach Kim to play kal-toh, it’s so lovely.

8 Simple Rules for Dating my Ocampan Protege A lot of other crew members treat Kes’s dating a new boy in “Darkling” with some condescension. It’s an episode of people treating Kes like a child (which I’ll remind you: she is not) who can’t make her own decisions, but then you’ve got Tuvok being a straight up pal. He expresses to Zahir without judgment that all he wants is Kes’s safety, and boyface gets it.

Seska’s not the only one who knows how to cause a phaser malfunction Turns out, our buddy Tuvok writes a damn good holonovel when we come across his Maquis uprising program in “Worst Case Scenario.” And when the thing goes wrong, as it is wont to do, Tuvok is there to outsmart holo-Seska (the most scheming Seska of them all!) with an overloading phase rifle, like a badass. That’s sure one way to get around writer’s block.

Let’s just watch Event Horizon When Torres is about to get lobotomized in “Random Thoughts” because the Mari’s definition of justice is wildly different from ours, Tuvok leads the investigation and uncovers a black market for violent thoughts. And if that isn’t cool enough on its own, he mind melds with Guill, who can’t even come close to handling that much madness. That man is no Lon Suder, that’s for sure.

I am sorry. I cannot return your affection. Speaking of mind melds! Tuvok melds a lot in this show, and one beautiful example comes in “Gravity.” Noss is crushing on Tuvok hard, and who can blame her? It’s all one-sided though, so in the end, Tuvok melds with her to show her how he really feels. It’s a more intimate act for Tuvok than anything else he could have done, and it’s touching that he shares himself with her.

You’re Neelix. I’m safe with you. The development of the Tuvok-Neelix relationship is one of the best things about Voyager, full stop. And the best representation of this is pretty much everything in “Riddles.” Not only do we get some stunning work from Tim Russ, but we see Tuvok without the emotional clamps on, coming to terms with his situation and choosing to save the ship. Cue the waterworks.

Vulcans do not dance Which leads me directly into our final beautiful Tuvok moment. Because we here at SSHB are big Neelix fans, we welled up at Neelix’s farewell in “Homestead” when Tuvok performs his Vulcan interpretation of a dance for him. It’s no Macarena or anything, but it encapsulates perfectly what these two, who were such an odd couple all show, really mean to each other.

—

Worst moments

My logic was not in error, but I was There’s something almost fascinating about “Prime Factors,” in that the Prime Directive shoe is on the other foot for a change. This is probably what the Bajorans felt when the Federation let Cardassia walk all over them! But Tuvok won’t have any of it! Prime Directive be damned, he’s going to steal the Sikarian spatial trajector against Janeway’s orders.

On your marks, get set, no Tuvok, despite many decades of living with non-Vulcans, apparently has no idea how to treat them. We see in “Learning Curve” that Tuvok is tasked with getting some ex-Maquis crew members in line, and his first impulse is to make them run a 10K with the gravity turned up. Weird flex. And let the Bajoran kid wear his earring, dude! We went over this already with Riker!

I have not always been particularly partial to your methods either What a weird and convoluted episode “Twisted” is, but perhaps that’s its point. What seems more off the mark is that suddenly there’s this polite rivalry for command between Tuvok and Chakotay while Janeway is out of commission. It just seems to come out of nowhere, much like the bickering between Spock and McCoy that we complained about in their character spotlights.

A non-emotional response would be more useful While we did like how Tuvok takes Kes under his wing in episodes like “Cold Fire,” he also can’t help himself in judging her expression of emotions all the time during her training. He constantly sasses her for giggling or feeling overwhelmed or otherwise not displaying perfect Vulcan logic. Uh, Tuvok, did you notice that she’s not a Vulcan? No wonder he gets his head boiled.

In a way, a mind meld is almost an act of violence, isn’t it? While I can fawn over the excellent work in “Meld,” how fixated Tuvok gets on violence is also severely screwed up. His Vulcan logic won’t let him accept that a psycho like Suder doesn’t need a reason to kill, and Tuvok goes way too far with it. And I won’t let him off the hook here: creating a holoprogram to kill Neelix is not okay no matter how you feel about the character.

Neelix in the foyer with the lead pipe The whole saboteur Jonas plot arc in season two was a convoluted mess. You’d think someone as logical as Tuvok would have figured that out, but no. In “Investigations,” he comes up with an even more convoluted plan to get Tom captured by Kazon, endangering the Talaxian ship he was on, and not clueing in people like Chakotay what was going on. And I still don’t know. What WAS going on??

Mom and Dad aren’t home – let’s have a Vidiian party! We joked a lot during The Original Series that whenever Spock was left in charge, things went wrong. Well the same thing happens when this Vulcan is left in charge when Janeway and Chakotay have to be abandoned on a planet in “Resolutions” and the crew is ready to mutiny right away until Tuvok gives in and calls the Vidiians: the one thing Janeway told him not to do.

This has pon too farr! I will never not rag on pon farr as a plot point because it’s too damn squicky. When TOS did it, it was one thing, but when Torres is suffering from pon farr and Tuvok insists that Paris have non consensual sex with her in “Blood Fever,” it’s not okay. Why the writers had to keep sweeping sexual assault under the rug for the sake of Vulcan bullshit is entirely beyond me.

There is little point in furthering this discussion Even the other people on the space elevator in “Rise” can see it: the whole episode long, Tuvok is dismissive and condescending towards Neelix until the Talaxian finally snaps. If we commended Tuvok for developing his relationship with Neelix throughout Voyager earlier, this was the nadir that required them to work towards a bond of respect later on in the series.

A deadly case of writer’s block While it was really fun playing Tuvok’s Maquis program in “Worst Case Scenario,” you’ve got to admit that Seska’s hologram nearly taking over the ship was all Tuvok’s fault. It seems strange for him to not finish the security training program once he’d started it, or at least to delete it from the computer when he accepted that the Maquis weren’t going to be threats.

Big Brother is watching, and mind reading It was nice of Tuvok to save Torres in “Random Thoughts,” but until it was going to affect his crew, Tuvok practically salivates over the concept of the Mari’s thought police. We couldn’t have been the only ones reading some sexual energy between him and Nimira, the Chief Examiner of the Mari Constabulary, right? Stop it, Tuvok. Only Odo may be a fascist on this show.

The call is coming from inside the Vulcan When Tuvok is put in charge of the investigation to determine who’s been attacking former Maquis members in “Repression,” it turns out he’s actually hunting himself! Sure, he’s being mentally hijacked a little bit, but dude, if you’re going to go full fascist in your investigation and inspect the crew’s mail for bugs, don’t forget to inspect yours too! What is with these fascists?

—

Weird how almost all of those moments were heavily represented in seasons two and three? I wonder what happened in season four that sidelined Tuvok so much? We may never know. Let’s see how other characters fare as they progress through the series: come back next week to find out! You can also keep listening to our Enterprise watchalong on SoundCloud or wherever you podcast, mindmeld with us over on Facebook and Twitter, and have a logical day!

[ina-nis]

Oh, yes! The answer to loneliness is just to go out and find your community, go places, talk to people and connect with them! Everyone is capable of doing that, and wouldn’t you know the whole problem is capitalism/social media/pandemic and whatnot! We have to learn (again) to reach out to each other, to help one another, and let yourself be helped. To listen and to talk. That way, you’ll never feel isolated or alone again!

...

Except if you have Avoidant Personality Disorder.

That’s a sure way to guarantee you’ll never be able to connect with another human being in your life. Not in any meaningful way, not in any long-lasting way, not in any way that will not be traumatizing.

AvPD is... interesting. You must check several boxes to, maybe, approach people and even that is not enough. Nothing is safe enough.

The very concept of “community” or “connection” is alien to you. But you do try...

And your attempts to connect result in more disconnect.

There’s something inherently “wrong” about you - and it doesn’t matter if this is exclusive to yourself or everyone everywhere suffers from the same issue, that doesn’t heal you (or them, for that matter). You keep on longing.

Yeah, sure, you enjoy your solitude but after several years of denial, loneliness isn’t exactly letting you do the whole self-help/care, hobbies and distractions anymore.

Once you’re aware of your own loneliness, none of the things you do by yourself to cope help. Ironically, trying to surround yourself with others doesn’t help either - that’s probably caused by AvPD.

You’re at a loss about what to do: isolation doesn’t help, connection doesn’t help, embracing your solitude doesn’t help, being with peers in your community doesn’t help either.

It looks so “easy” for other people. Even when it’s hard, it doesn’t feel like it’s impossible - hence, they keep on going - everyone can do it if they want to, or they can find alternatives that work for them. They don’t live in suffering, they cope, they mourn, they move on.

You live, and thrive, in avoidance. And you know avoidance will just cause the problems to grow larger and deeper, but you’re out of options. What else are you supposed to do?

You have this very specific need and for as long as it’s not met. Everything is meaningless or become meaningless. Your life is meaningless and everyday you spend your everything, your time, your energy, your sleep, into giving life meaning, because if you stop, your health will deteriorate, you’ll be sick and you’ll die. Or you’ll just continue the cycle of avoidance until it kills you. Either way, you’re dead and it’s going to be a very painful and lonely one.

How can you keep on going when all the options are so bad? When everything feels so exhausting and pointless? When it’s just going to take so much damn time (that you don’t even know if it’s going to be worth it but the alternative is suicide so... yeah, then what?)?

It’s ironic...

“What gives me hope at this point?”

The longing, maybe that need too? The very things that are dysfunctional, the very things that are making your sick, the very characteristics of AvPD.

A longing and a need that’s... natural to many people, that you see in yourself as something flawed and wrong, because your brain functions differently, and you don’t have many other people you can compare to, because they don’t have this issue. You’re singled out and around peers like you, there’s only more despair and no answers... they all have (or had) a longing, and a need, too.

Maybe it’s something there, you just have to find it.

[youremyheaven]

as a mercurial person, when I do have my bad moments, I can always rely on someone like my sister to call me tf out. she’s an Ashlesha girlie, and I think she’s amazing, despite her own flaws. we both believe being direct shows we care. calling out bullshit is our love language. we bicker a lot, which includes a lot of cussing. at first, it was hard accepting the truth because I get really defensive (that explains the stream of swear words lol). she gets more defensive, though—she reminds me of a cat hissing at others for intruding upon her space. I tease her about it cus I find it cute. despite our intense arguments, we still love each other immensely. we are each other’s biggest supporters! I am the oldest child, she’s the middle child. all her life, I’ve been very protective of her because she somehow is surrounded by negative energy. we grew up in a tense environment away from our community, so we also felt we didn’t fit in with our new surroundings growing up as we both experienced feelings of isolation. she has her Ashlesha placements in the 12th house, and I have my Jyeshta placements in the 12th house. I think our shared experience strengthened our bond as the years went on. she went through so much, same as I. when I read your post that mentioned Ashlesha Naks and their life struggles, it mirrored my sister’s origin and upbringing. I couldn’t fathom why the people she meets in every phase of her life would take advantage of her and/or project their misery onto her. that wasn’t until I learned about Ashlesha Naks, I fear. ig her relationship with our mom helps explain why, too… anyways, I may be protective of my sister but I also encourage her to go after her goals and fight for what she wants. and she knows this, too, and would encourage the same for me. she doesn’t hold back, and I don’t either. I know it’s good to have that kind of person in my life to rein me in AND to let loose with. however, I know I can’t rely only on her to save me from my flaws, of course. to my fellow mercury folks- let’s not deny that we are far from perfect. hell, I know I’m not perfect myself. I acknowledge that I have intense energy that’s similar to a repellent. life experience and being raised by a distrustful immigrant father assisted in helping me build this wall that surrounds my soul as a safety measure. I’ve been ostracized and bullied when I was a little girl. I was a sweet kid, but those experiences molded me into a person that feared the world, and as I grew up, I resented it for its restrictions. I was jealous of my peers and remained a recluse. it took me a long time to realize I was in control of the outcome of my own nature. I am in control of learning to outgrow my negative mindset and to be open to understanding. what started my growth was my spiritual inclinations that lead me to learning about astrology and such, and they unraveled the truth I’ve been blinded to for so long (besides my sister’s call-outs lmao). Vedic astrology helped me understand what it meant to be a Jyeshta Nak person. I’m not proud of my flaws, but they are there; I just have to learn how to remedy them and grow for the better. I will forever be on that journey. I just pray I don’t reverse the self evolution with self sabotage. I rather not be a wannabe Trump… no thank you 🙏 people are complex, so why paint ourselves as saints when we are not? what makes y’all think we’re the divine exception to the laws of nature? we are here to live this life and to learn from it. and if you make mistakes? own up to them. it’s easier said than done, but it’s much more rewarding to find ways to transform yourself into a more evolved human being. see your own shadow for what it is. you can’t suppress it because it will only shroud you with its darkness. once you start harming others, you are only digging a deeper hole for yourself. living in delusion and in denial is not healthy. and if you refuse to acknowledge that, then I wish you good luck in trying to crawl yourself out from your self made abyss of a grave 🫡

thanks for sharing your experiences 💛💛

[waterfall-ambience]

17 with Luna, 5 Damien, and uhh 7 with Phobos?

How does your OC sabotage themselves? 

Captain Luna has some of the ‘normal’ self-sabotage behaviours like isolating from others when he’s sad, neglecting his health, ruminating on things that happened decades ago/things he can’t control, etc.

But right now, he has this major problem of never really asking or accepting help, even when he needs it. The whole Wither King fiasco we’re seeing? He’s almost constantly turning down other people’s offers to help him- “Don’t worry about it, I’ll handle it”, “Thank you, I appreciate the concern, but you mustn’t trouble yourself”.

He’s almost convinced that he can do everything his way, and that he can do it alone, for better or for worse.

(This will bite him in the ass later in Arc 1 when he tries to save Damien and defeat the Wither King all by himself.)

The guy has a not unfounded (but definitely unchallenged!) subconscious belief that he’s better than everyone else. Because his immortality is forced but manual, he’s very aware of how much older and more experienced he is than most of the other Perpetua members. On top of that, the Key makes him almost a god among men, and as it’s guardian, he’s internalised this idea of “with great power comes great responsibility” to the point where he throws himself at almost every responsibility because he thinks he has the power to fix it. He’s not conceited about it or anything, and will happily let others contribute to a solution.

But when push comes to shove? He’s not a team player.

The worst part is that he hasn’t recognised this in himself. He thinks he’s better than this- after 230 years he’s had over triple the expected lifespan for a human, double that for a lucky human, and twelve times the amount of time Augustin had. He thinks that he’s got most of the flaws in his character sorted out (not that he’ll admit it), but he doesn’t.

It’s hardly been challenged, though, because calling Captain Luna ‘egotistical’ feels wrong. Hero-worship aside, he’s just a nice guy to most people, and hardly anyone (with the relatively short amount of time they spend on Perpetua) recognises it in him except during moments of crisis.

Does your OC get lost easily? What do they do when they do get lost?

Damien’s sense of direction isn’t horrible, but if you only give them verbal instructions on how to get to a place, chances are they’ll get it wrong.

(“First…or second exit? Was it room thirteen or thirty? Sixteen? Fuck! Did they say Corridor B, or D? Upstairs or downstairs?! Where do I go from the ibis tapestry? Is this even an ibis? It’s not like, a heron, right?”)

If you give them a map or some visual way of getting to a location, they’ll have a much easier time.

How they respond to being lost depends on how much of their abilities they can use. Before the Wither King undoes the life binding and takes away their infinite magic stamina, they’ll probably just fly up to a high enough vantage point and orientate themself based on what landmarks they can pick out. God help them if they’re indoors.

Without any magic or outside help, they’re likely to pick a direction based on what information they have (however little that may be) and hope that they end up in the right spot (“It’s a sort of kinesis movement! I learned about this! If a flatworm can do it, so can I!”). The odds that they’ll start crying and throwing up increases the longer that this goes on, especially if they think they are late.

Realistically, could your OC (in their normal circumstances- i.e. at their own house/battlecamp/spaceship etc.) keep a small child alive for a week if they had to?  A Dog?  A Houseplant? A rock with a smiley face painted on?

Phobos could probably handle a small child. He won’t be particularly happy about the situation, but the kid will live. They’ll probably be exposed to violent video games, sure, or maybe traumatised by decades-old CGI, but no immediate danger except for watching him commit arson or something. He, however, will end up exhausted.

The dog is the happy medium in that it doesn’t need as much attention as a small child, but it’s enough of an active presence for it to not fade into the background. The dog will live, and he might actually have fun with it.

The houseplant is where things get dicey. There’s a good chance that he’ll forget to water it, or water it too much. The plant, being sessile, is dangerously close to being an inanimate object that he can just forget about. After a week, it will probably live. After two, you’re playing with fire. Any more than that, and just prepare for him to have gotten a replacement plant and claim that it’s the same one.

The problem with the smiley rock is that it’s hard to tell if you’re doing a good job at taking care of it. Avery would probably get on his case about either not feeding it enough sprinkles, or feeding it too many. Do rocks even like sprinkles? It’s quite a lot of sugar to be giving to a rock. Who knows, it might already be dead.

[bonesandthebees]

You know, there’s so much serotonin in the way you scream “SPRUCE <3 <3” when answering my asks after I haven’t sent some in a while. It brings me so much joy it’s ridiculous.

Anyway, Glass analysis time. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, but Tommy’s idea to go out is so stupid for a multitude of reasons. Even if he trusts Wilbur not to run, that doesn’t mean it’s safe for Wilbur to go out. Especially since he has to keep wearing the blindfold, which makes him very recognisable. There’s also the fact that if any of the other Deathlings figure it out, there’ll be hell to pay.

Because once again Tommy is being stubborn and selfish. He thinks he knows best and puts everyone else in danger by doing so. He’s also directly undermining his own punishment. I think he knows damn well he’s not supposed to go out at all, he’s just using the wording as a loophole.

Speaking of punishment, Phil and Techno don’t give him any severe punishments. They can’t for two reasons. 1. It’s against their humanity to lock him away without food or beat him, 2. Phil and Techno know that it’s not fully Tommy’s fault. Don’t get me wrong he still made the decision and none of that is one them, but they raised him. So they believe his actions are partly because of how he was raised, so partly their fault. It’s more complicated than that (see: Tommy’s biggest character flaws), but I’ll get to that.

What Phil and Techno settle for is punishment adjusted to Tommy. Giving him boring jobs because they know he hates being bored. Banning him from going on runs for obvious reasons, but also because they know he likes it. And the social isolation isn’t intentional, but it’s definitely happening. All of this pushes Tommy to want to go out again. Just for the fun of it.

This is where I assume the first on this long stairwell of dependency kicks in: Tommy wants to take Wilbur with him. See, Tommy trying to leave Wilbur and go alone, would not go over well. (and I don’t think Tommy wants to go on his own either). So Tommy suggests going together.

(1/?)

-🌲

hi spruce finally getting to some of these <33

yeah tommy's plan to go out is extremely stupid for many reasons. but he is nothing if not stubborn, impulsive, and determined to prove a point. he definitely knows he's not supposed to go out, but like you said, he's undermining his own punishment. sigh.

exactly. phil and techno aren't going to give him any inhumane punishments, but there's only so much they can do without taking it to a degree they're not willing to go to. but also like you said, they know it's not entirely tommy's fault. they're the ones who ingrained those values into him. phil especially recognizes that tommy did what he did because he genuinely thought it was the right thing to do, and that he's the one who taught tommy what the 'right things' are.

tbh making tommy bored IS a pretty bad punishment for him. he hates being bored. the social isolation is really what does a lot of it though, even if it's unintentional. another reason he wanted to go out wasn't just the boredom, it's because he feels suffocated staying in the temple with everyone except wilbur being pissed at him. he can't breathe with all the eyes on him, so he needs to get away from it all, just for a few hours.

tommy bringing wilbur was both the dependency thing (he really doesn't like being separated from wilbur these days) and also him wanting to prove a point. he wants to know for sure that he can trust wilbur. he already does, but he wants to know that trust isn't unfounded. and he wants to prove it to wilbur to. because he knows wilbur is still lying to himself about a lot of things, so he thinks if he forces wilbur to confront that he's staying there willingly, it'll push him further into rejecting the ideals the pythian institution ingrained into him. it's tommy pushing wilbur past his comfort zone like he did with the name, just in a more subtle way.

[jesuisgourde]

y’know, that video just makes me think that another reason why this stupid fucked up book is so fucked is because they work so fucking hard to plug the whole “richey was planning to disappear long before he did, the idea was in his head from the beginning of his time in the band, it was this elaborate thing long term idea blah blah.” but you look at any video interview or gig from 1991 and 1992 compared to any interview or gig from 1994 and like. there’s no fucking planning. that is a man who went from having fairly manageable depression to something much more painful, debilitating, and severe. looking at his eyes and body language and hearing his tone of voice in those early videos, there’s ambition there and light and energy and an alert attentiveness; he looks present and engaged. the few video interviews and radio interviews that exist from 1994, that’s gone. there doesn’t seem to be ambition, the smile is cynical and self-deprecating rather than shy but genuine, his eyes are dull. he looks distant and hopeless and scared. he looks like he’s sucked up into his mind and no longer engaged with his immediate surroundings; he looks apathetic to the things around him. the videos of him onstage in 94 it’s like he’s all alone up there, aware of the audience and sort of trying to still throw shapes and entertain but also not as eagerly performative as before; in the later 94 videos his demeanor onstage is either totally isolated or straight up aggressive. that last video interview from sweden in november he looks so hollow-eyed. idk like i just cannot look at it and go “yes this was a deliberate transformation and his disappearance was planned for ages and everything he did was significant because he had planted the seed of disappearance early on.” i just see someone who went from being mildly depressed but feeling in control to being in far, far more unwell and in pain and struggling and then suffering even more from not receiving adequate care.

(not to mention their whole thing about richey having idk like esoteric knowledge and shit like predicting brexit or calling out the knights templar or knowing some awful secret about music industry bigwigs. like no he was just a sad smart guy with opinions and good poetic skills. he wasn’t some fucking genius with wild connections or arcane knowledge. like he got a 2:1 at uni which like obviously is more a measure of work ability etc than intelligence but also like he wasn’t some sort of intellectual prodigy or whatever. he really was just a regular person from a working class family who was intelligent and creative and also mentally ill, who wrote great words but also struggled to function in the ‘real world’ and stuff. like framing him as some sort of incredible mastermind just fuels the myth and also ignores both the obviously hard work he did to learn and then analyze, engage with, and use what he learned to express concepts in ways that not only engaged audiences in the moment but encouraged them to educate themselves, and ignores his humanity and his flaws.)

[sillyguyhotline]

like . idk. every time i think about tlou2 i’m just like “what did i take away from this where did the characters progress” and i just don’t have an answer. it’s still so egregious with ellie’s character in particular because her dilemma at the end of part 1 never left me with the idea that she was vengeful or vicious or inherently flawed in the ways she attempts to seek justice. the most devastating thing about her is that she is self sacrificial and self destructive and you want to see her character develop from this point because of how much you’ve seen her struggle throughout the entire game. yes, if the story is isolated to part 2 and ellie’s downward spiral, the lesson about seeking closure and avoiding self destruction is somewhat cohesive, but in the context of part 1 it’s so difficult to feel compelled by the story.

ellie has experienced nothing but loss over and over to the point where at 14 years old she believes that her death is something she’s had coming and that she doesn’t deserve to be alive because it’s a chance the people she loved didn’t get. although the ending is morally questionable it represents a small modicum of hope in that ellie is given the chance to live a better life. and then in part 2 all of her fears are realized. the person she’d loved most, the only person in the first game not to die on her or leave her, is killed. she finally snaps and turns her self destructive grief outward in some attempt to seek closure because she’s watched so many loved ones die and been completely unable to do anything about it. and this costs her everything and leaves her living her worst fear, alone and isolated and listless. the story preaches about how violence won’t bring you closure while simultaneously showing that the violence and revenge abby enacted did indeed bring her closure and that shes had the satisfaction and stability to grow as a person and seek out a new life even after doing the same thing the narrative condemns ellie for doing. the story posits itself as being ellie’s story as well as abby’s, but ellie’s narrative goes absolutely nowhere in terms of her character and leaves her in the same place- possibly even a worse place, considering the growth she’d shown at the beginning of the game- that she was at to start with. even abby’s narrative is damaged by the need to mesh it with ellie’s, because she doesn’t get the same explorations of moral complexity or condemnations of her actions in the story. it starts off with the knowledge that audiences are going to hate her so the majority of her story is spent trying to humanize her and make her more sympathetic to the point that by the time most people are willing to appreciate and engage with her as a character her section is nearly over. the morals it attempts to teach are incredibly simple and poorly executed but because the game is so reliant on shock value and excessive angst it allows itself to appear deeper than it actually is. also the pacing is fucking awful partially because of the issues i stated with abby’s character development and partially because the second “half” of the game is blown through at an absurdly fast pace. by the end it just feels so repetitive and drawn-out. i’m gonna go eat glass

[agoraphobia-anxiety]

I’ve had this blog for years now. And I was depressed for over 13 years. I truly thought things would never get better.. I know you guys have had those thoughts too. Especially if you’re following my blog. I know you hear all the time that things get better later on. But I won’t tell you that specifically. I’ll say, no, it won’t get better if you are not willing to actually change your mindset. I’ve experienced hell on earth too many times. And I know back then, if I read a post like this I would just skip it and continue with my depressing thoughts.. I remember last year 2021, I could finally say out loud that I beat depression. Yes, I no longer feel depressed, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get sad. The journey wasn’t easy. I went to plenty of mental facilities for trying to commit, and they didn’t help at all, it just costed me a lot of money and no benefits. I went through abuse, neglect, isolation, and more. I keep thinking about it and wondering how am I here, how did I make it this far?? It’s hard to change that negative mindset others have created inside of you. I still have my flaws, I still make mistakes, I’m still human. I want you to know that only you can change your life. Even if it takes years, if you just keep going and stay as strong as you can, you’ll also be able to say you made it. And I realized happiness is not a forever thing, it isn’t reality. Every normal human has different emotions/moods. Don’t wish for a forever happiness. Wish to experience life without feeling like you want to d!e. You WILL be sad, hurt, mad, confused, tired, etc. but it shouldn’t be 24/7. So when you get to that point where you feel okay and you’re willing to continue surviving to see what else will come into your life, then I’ll say you’ve fucking made it. First step, stop interpreting every positive thing with a negative mindset. And think realistically. Life isn’t easy. There’s no such thing as a perfect life & complete happiness. I’m sure there’s people that possibly have that but realistically, not really. Second, learn to be able to be alone without feeling lonely. You can’t be “happy” always depending on someone else for your “happiness”. If you can control how you feel during your time of crisis, you can do a lot. Third… have plans/goals. Even if one of them is learning to be able to do that second step. You need goals and plans because that’s you thinking about your future already which just gives you something to look forward to in your life. The goals don’t need to be extreme, take it easy. This sh!t isn’t easy, it takes a lot of PATIENCE and MINDSET. Don’t think you’ll be able to get to where you dream to be in a short amount of time. Remember about thinking realistically. Everyone has gone through different things, even if someone has gone through something similar, nobody will understand what you went through, cause they’re not you. So I know everyone is different and maybe what I’m saying won’t help much but I’m hoping that this will be able to change your mindset positively. I can’t say I’ve made it to where I want to be, because as life goes on you continue making goals and wanting to get further and further. But I feel like I’ve made it to a point where I’m able to stop thinking so negative and that’s helping me get to where I need to be. When I get to where I need to be, I’ll start making goals on how to get to where I want to be. I am just telling you all what you can do to help yourself. I’ve always felt like I’ve been on my own mentally. So it was a huge struggle getting to where I am now.. I really never thought I would still be here. I still think about stuff time to time, of course. It’s trauma from the past. But I’m more in control of my mind now. So I feel okay. And me feeling just “okay” might not sound so big. But it’s the best I’ve ever felt. And if you’ve read this far, I know you’ll be okay too. Cause you kept reading for a reason. I need you to be here, even if I have no idea who you are. You matter to me, and I believe in you. I’m proud of you for just being here, making it this far.

I am a survivor, and you are too.

[pennylaneforthoughts]

After some thinking, a conversation with my sister-in-law with a psych degree, and a couple of sessions with my godsend of a therapist, I think I've finally put my finger on the thing about Mobius that Loki (and a lot of the fandom tbh) so quickly latched onto like a man dying of thirst at the first sign of water:

Unconditional positive regard.

This concept is at the core of client-centered psychology and basically is a stance that a therapist will take in relation to their client, where they simply accept and support their client as a person, regardless of what they do or say.

My therapist uses this framework with me, and when the Loki series came out, I immediately saw Mobius and was like "holy crap, this man has the exact same energy as Sami what???" And I couldn't for the life of me figure out why until I was talking about it with my sister-in-law and she mentioned unconditional positive regard. And then it clicked.

Mobius radiates unconditional positive regard from the minute he meets Loki in episode 1, and arguably even from the first time we even see him onscreen. He approaches everyone he interacts with using a basic framework of "I see you and care about you as a person, and nothing you do or say can change that," so we immediately get the impression that this man is soft, kind, and shaped like a friend. However, it's most obvious and pointed in his interactions with Loki.

While yes, Mobius' primary objective in episode 1 is to interrogate Loki, it's important to note that it's not an interrogation where Mobius is trying to find proof of guilt for a crime like we'd see in a typical detective procedural. Rather, Mobius is trying to see if this variant of Loki is self aware enough to be able to help him in his hunt for Sylvie. It's fundamentally a test to find out Loki's current place in his emotional and psychological development. It is not maliciously intended, and it is not designed to harm Loki. On the contrary, the intent is clearly to help Loki begin to come to terms with the reality of who he is and the choices he has made.

In fact, the whole time this is happening, Mobius very purposefully strives to foster an environment where Loki knows that A.) Mobius sees him. Truly sees and knows him. B.) Despite knowing what Loki is and what he's done, Mobius loves him and regards him positively, and C.) nothing Loki can do or say will change that positive regard.

Loki, however, is super not used to receiving unconditional positive regard. He has no idea how to respond to it. He feels like it's a trick, like there's another shoe just waiting to drop. I related to him hardcore in this scene because that's exactly how I felt when my therapist presented me with unconditional positive regard for the first time. It's confusing and strange and difficult to believe at first. Especially because it sets the stage for honest self reflection and personal growth that can be incredibly painful.

Loki is not a perfectly innocent person. He has done a lot of really bad things and hurt a lot of people in his life. He has a lot of very deep seated trauma that has informed these actions, but he still made those choices and he needs to take responsibility for them. This is not a fun process. Mobius knows this is actually a really awful, sucky process. But he also knows that change and growth requires two things: acknowledgement that a change needs to be made and the expectation that change can and will occur when properly cultivated. Mobius clearly laying out the reality of Loki's actions and who he is in the Sacred Timeline is the first part of that equation, and his unflappable, unconditional positive regard towards Loki as a person despite knowing that reality cultivates an environment for the second part to flourish.

"By definition, it is essential in any helping relationship to have an anticipation for change. In the counseling relationship, that anticipation presents as Hope—an optimism that something good and positive will develop to bring about constructive change in the client's personality. Thus, unconditional positive regard means that the therapist has and shows overall acceptance of the client by setting aside their own personal opinions and biases. The main factor in unconditional positive regard is the ability to isolate behaviors from the person who displays them." (source)

Mobius is not Loki's therapist, but he does take on a therapeutic role in Loki's life. He shows Loki that he is fully aware of all of Loki's faults and mistakes. He's seen them over and over again and knows them by heart because it's his job. And in the face of all of that he looks at Loki and says that he doesn't see him as a villain. That he likes him anyway and believes that Loki has the potential to help him and what he believes is the cause of good. (Yes the TVA is corrupt, but neither of them know that at this point, and the fact that both Mobius and Loki believe this to be the side of good to varying degrees is important here)

Mobius maintains this regard throughout the series and his subsequent interactions with Loki and when talking about Loki to Ravonna and others, and it's a big part of why Loki so quickly trusts and feels comfortable around Mobius. I know some people say it's unrealistic how fast it was, but it made a lot of sense just based on my experience. I mean, after one (1) session with my therapist, I was 100% ride or die for him, and it was kind of absurd. But the feeling of being seen like that is so potent when you're starved for it, that extreme reactions to it make a lot of sense. And if anyone's starved for unconditional positive regard, it's Loki.

Mobius is only human though, and he's not perfect at this. Over the course of the series, it's clear that Mobius has emotionally invested a lot in his Loki, and he struggles to maintain a professional distance, though he usually is able to keep his head enough to give Loki that positive regard he needs. The only time we see this regard slip is in episode 4 when Mobius is feeling betrayed and jealous. In these moments, Mobius is unable to step back from his feelings enough to get into a headspace where he can separate Loki's actions from who he is. He calls Loki an asshole and a bad friend, and it comes from a place of hurt and jealousy. It's also what drives Loki into a defensive mode we haven't seen since episode 1. He's no longer receiving that unconditional positive regard from Mobius and he feels betrayed. He worries that maybe it was all an act in the first place and Mobius never really cared for him at all. For the first time, Loki feels like Mobius doesn't see the best in him anymore and it hurts.

Mobius' unconditional positive regard was genuine, though, and this is reinforced in the subsequent scenes where we see him act on his instinctual desire to assume the best of Loki and investigate his claims. We see it again when he returns to Loki and he reaffirms both his desire to trust Loki and his belief that Loki can be "whoever, whatever he wants to be, even someone good." At this point, Loki is able to accept it and no longer pushes back against Mobius' belief in Loki's goodness and that he "has within himself vast resources for self-understanding, for altering his self-concept, attitudes, and self-directed behavior." He's grown and begun to see himself in a more realistic and positive light and it's a direct result of the time Mobius has spent cultivating that relationship based on unconditional positive regard.

That's why their relationship feels so comfortable and satisfying. Unconditional positive regard isn't only a therapy principle. It's something everyone craves in a relationship. To be seen as you are, flaws and mistakes and quirks and all is terrifying and mortifying, but when that person then just smiles and says I love you anyway because you are not your mistakes and you are not your flaws and nothing you can ever do or say can change how I feel about you, the relief and joy and comfort is more than worth the discomfort. So I think the idea that Mobius can look at someone as deeply flawed, broken, and jaded as Loki and love him exactly as he is right there and then, eyes wide open and smiling, believing that beneath it all Loki has the potential to be good, gives us hope that someone could do the same for us. I know that's what Lokius does for me, at least. Mobius represents to me the ideal of unconditional positive regard, and having an image of what that looks like in the character of Mobius gives us the opportunity to apply it to ourselves when we may not get it elsewhere in our lives. And I, for one, think that's very sexy of him.

[meltthefrozenheart]

Frozen/Frozen 2: ”The Past Has A way Of Returning” and how this concept could be expanded in a possible Frozen 3

I’m one of the many people in the Frozen Fandom that doesn’t appreaciate the Frozen 2 ending as a “final solution” for this franchise, BUT, after analyzing the sequel and put it into comparison with the first Frozen, I came to the conclusion that, despite its many flaws, it’s not as bad as I remembered it to be.

One of the main things that made me agry about F2 was a feeling of “betrayal” after the many interviews and statements from the directors and crew about the two movies being “Two-halves of one big story”, and here I can say honestly that my personal expectations got in the way, because I thought this sequel was going to dive deeper into things about the Main Story of the first Frozen, things like “Getting to know about Hans past” for example.

I have to say that the idea to know more about Iduna & Agnarr always intrigued me, but when I read things like “You will understand the first movie much better after watching the sequel” (said by director Chris Buck), I wasn’t convinced that focusing entirely on those two characters from the prologue could truely mean “Making the first movie clearer”, because:

1) Their death is the reason why the main plot started;

2) Anna and Elsa went through new experiences because they only had each other after their death;

3) The fandom had many questions about other important characters like Kristoff and, most importantly, Hans;

But what Frozen 2 actually does is much deeper than that: it gives a different prespective on the events and characters of the first Frozen!

Through Elsa search for the Truth about the Arendelle & Northuldra conflict, we get to see how the Royal family went through an series of events that, if we are careful, retroactively got repeted in the sisters own life, when Anna was searching for a guy she hoped to be her True Love.

  Here the parallelism and specularity between the two:

An important aspect that empowers the narrative and emotional connection between the two movies is the Duality that defines the World of Frozen: 

The “Ordinary” human world, with its rules and expectations and the “Extrordinary” magical world, filled with wonder and unpredictability.

This Duality is of course handled in different ways through the 1st and in the 2nd movie, not only because of the different narrations that define them, but also thanks to Anna & Elsa parallel journey:

- In Frozen, through the Fairytale narration given by Anna, the sisters isolation complicates their ability to handle the outside world, at a point where they “are helped” by Kristoff & Hans at their worst moments:

- In Frozen 2, through the “Mythological” narration given by Elsa, the sisters determination to make things right allows them to face the challanges on their own, one wanting to reach Ahtohallan, the other wanting to destroy the Dam: 

How all of this could of a possible Frozen 3 narration? Of course, these are theories, but trusting the directors view, and also considering some of the audience questions and doubts, I think one important matter is essential: 

Frozen & Frozen 2 are both about Anna & Elsa struggles and wants!

Now the Sisters have both reached a point where they are fulfilled, or, at least, have finally found their roles in the world: 

Anna (the Leader) is Queen of Arendelle and is finally engaged to the man she loves;

Elsa (the Protector) has become the Fifth Spirit and her powers are deeply connected to the magic of nature; 

I always read comments about people talking about bad guys and love interests ... but, I wonder if the Sisters in their new roles can affect others, or, more precisely: what if the missing piece from the first Frozen, the side of that world we haven’t explored yet, a side of Anna & Elsa we’ve yet to see, is beyond their own issues? Most importantly now that they are “equals”, have reached a balance (narratively speaking)?

And, yes, of course I’m talking about Kristoff & Hans, but it has a deeply important reason:

With Anna as Queen, I doubt it would be simple for Kristoff to adapt to the royal life, he is not like Iduna. She left the Northuldra and moved to Arendelle when she was little, she had all her life to be ready to marry Agnarr, while Kristoff has always been a commoner and, when we met him during Frozen, has been part of the Trolls clan for 13 years. Moreover, I wonder if Kristoff knew his original family, and we don’t even know how he met Sven;

With how hated and deprised Hans is, I doubt he could do anything without Elsa sending the Nokk against him or allowing Gale to “play” with him, but we still don’t fully know him, people have so many questions about his actions during Frozen, and we know very little about his background as 13th in line of the Southern Isles (outside of A Frozen Heart, which is not full-canon material). Also, he pales in comparison to King Runeard actions against the Northuldra (and paying the ultimate price) and how his actions shaped the lives of the sisters themselves;

I always loved the idea to see the Frozen male leads explored, and I think that, after we got to know Anna & Elsa family history, there’s a lot of space left for the Love Interest and the Villain.

Frozen 2 clearly didn’t want to bring back the concept of the “prince charming”, because, through Elsa eyes, Kristoff is Anna’s prince, and Hans actions are still “fresh” in the characters mind. We want to see the world of Frozen expanded, but it’s essential to not forget about the duality that defines this world!

With Frozen, we got to know Arendelle, a kingdom where magic also exists, birthplace of Anna, Elsa and Kristoff. In many ways, it’s a point of conjunction between humans and magic:

With Frozen 2, we are introduced to the Enchanted Forest, placed North of the Frozen world, and where the elemental Spirits live along with the Northuldra:

Then why a Frozen 3 shouldn’t allow us to finally see another kingdom like the Southern Isles, we only got to see once in Frozen Fever? It’s a place that doesn’t need introductions, it’s located South and, who knows, maybe magic there doesn’t exist, or it’s treated differently compared to Arendelle:

[amistytown]

The Brothers Comfort MC During a Panic Attack

This is my first attempt at writing down my headcanons for the brothers, so I apologize if anything is out of character. I meant it to be short and sweet, but it grew out of my control after a while. I’m a perfectionist and wanted to rewrite everything. I made minor edits and am posting it anyway or it’ll sit in my drafts forever; I admit I put the most effort into Lucifer’s, forgive me. Also sorry for the repetitiveness and any typos you may find. I decided to write how the brothers would comfort MC during a panic attack, especially as someone who suffers from anxiety and panic attacks themselves. Honestly, I wrote this as a way to comfort myself since I’ve been dealing with terrible anxiety lately. Of course, everyone experiences anxiety differently, so I can only speak from my own experiences. I didn’t go into detail when it comes to the symptoms themselves because it’s from the point of view of the brothers and only so many are visible to the eye. Trigger warning for depictions of anxiety and panic attacks. Thank you for reading!

LUCIFER

Lucifer is troubled. Following lunch, you disappeared, currently absent from class. This is unlike you, his worry intensifying every minute you’re out of his sight. Yet he maintains his composure, resigning himself to scouring the academy grounds. Time passes at a torturous pace, his thoughts beginning to take a turn for the worst. He contemplates whether to involve his brothers and Lord Diavolo himself at this rate, however the sound of his D.D.D diverts his attention. A wave of relief washes over him at the sight of your name lighting up his screen, chased by frustration at you, your silence, and himself for losing track of you so easily; he couldn’t bear living if anything happened to you under his watch. He expects this behavior from his brothers, not you. Though his heart sinks, the Avatar of Pride uncharacteristically overcome with guilt while he reads your message. Of course, you are not his brothers. He should not have doubted you.

Your texts are apprehensive, a weighty pause between them as you hesitate to lay bare the darkest depths of your soul. He approaches you cautiously, to avoid upsetting you further. Your words alone convey the sheer panic taking possession of you, the last of your strength used to press send. Outside he discovers you, huddled miserably in an isolated corner of the building, swathed in shadow. The desire to shelter you from the world burns within him, but your eyes widen fearfully in his presence, wounding his pride. Immediately, you apologize. Sorry you’re missing class, that you left without telling anyone, and upset him—especially when you’re aware of his busy schedule. You’re sorry for not having the courage to pull yourself together, succumbing to your anxiety, your shame palpable. The hand clutching your D.D.D is trembling, your chest heaving as you struggle to breathe. He aches for you, each tear shed hurting more than the last, your pain managing to touch the very core of his being and set him alight.

If anyone is sorry, it’s him, pride be damned. Kneeling in front of you, he assures you an apology isn’t necessary—your wellbeing of great importance to him. He wants you to rely on him, grateful you confided in him despite your doubts. Hopefully, he can eventually put your mind at ease. His voice low, soothing, he continues to console you, making sure you’re aware he’s not upset, and your feelings are valid. Although he’s not familiar with the inner workings of anxiety itself, he’s willing to listen, learning how to support you to the best of his ability—starting today, providing you’re comfortable accepting his offer. Initially, he prioritized your safety for the sake of the exchange program and Lord Diavolo’s wish to unite the three realms, now it’s merely out of adoration for you, his beloved. Once you’re ready, he’ll let you know you’re not alone. He’s never too busy on your behalf. 

Offering you his hand, a smile graces his features as you accept. Slowly, he helps you to your feet, steadying you against him. He notes the way you relax at his touch, shoulders sagging and head coming to rest on his chest. Only you exist in this moment, his gaze not leaving you, not even for a second. Standing in silence until your breathing settles and you regain your balance, he sees you through the height of your attack before escorting you back to the House of Lamentation. He’ll personally excuse you from the remainder of your classes, understanding you need a quiet place to recover. Classical music plays softly in the background of his room, and he’s content to have you in his embrace, drawing you onto his lap after you finish the tea he brewed to calm your nerves. Lucifer pays you special attention, massaging your tired body and kissing you tenderly, his breath fanning across your lips as he reminds you how special you truly are—brave, compassionate, and incredibly loved.

MAMMON

Mammon mourns his loss, wondering how he let them gain the upper hand; admittedly, a foolish mistake on his part. He dreads breaking the news to Lucifer, and the resentment that shows on his brothers’ faces once he confesses does little to ease his mind. Still, he worries about your reaction most of all, knowing his stupidity has put you in a precarious position. In that moment he believes their words—only a greedy scumbag like himself dares to place his human’s happiness on the line. Although certain of his win at the time, he should consider how his actions affect you more often; otherwise, how can he claim he’s the Great Mammon? His confidence is his downfall in the end. Now you’ll suffer along with him. Yet you feign optimism, attempting to soothe everything over despite your innocence. His guilt only grows, a heavy weight on his shoulders. One he deserves.

Three days of waiting on and performing for large crowds at The Fall proves hectic for everyone. He can tell you’re struggling beneath the façade of a composed and hospitable server, going above and beyond to ensure the patrons leave satisfied. Furthermore, you lend him and his brothers a hand, coming to their rescue; it should be him making it as easy on you as possible. His concern for you runs deep, no matter how hard he tries to maintain his usual air of indifference, but you have the nerve to reassure him—it’s meant to be the opposite, dammit. Each night he goes out of his way to check on you, frustrated that you continue to dance around the subject. He can see the exhaustion on your face, hear the slight tremor in your voice, the toll his stupid decision is taking on you, and it stung. You comfort him, even when he’s undeserving, so why won’t you allow him to hold you and kiss the pain away? Not that he’s asked. You should realize by now you can rely on him, right?

Watching you suffer in silence tortures him. He can’t deny it regardless of his best effort to make light of the situation. You barely eat or spend time outside your room, saying you’re tired, which isn’t a lie—working is exhausting, no doubt about it—but he understands you well enough to notice the subtle signs of your anxiety, your smile unable to trick him into believing otherwise. Perhaps you find him as insufferable as his brothers do, or worse, and don’t want to see his face after what he’s done. That doesn’t stop him from showing up at your door, hoping he can offer some form of comfort. However, you keep up appearances, supporting the seven of them during the longest weekend of their lives. You work hard too, his chest swelling with pride as he watches you care for his brothers and customers alike. How can you like an idiot like him? You’re selfless and loving, looking past his flaws to see what lay beneath his sin. His human. His angel. He wants—no needs—you to be okay.

The last day comes and goes in a blur. Finally, he can toss these ridiculous clothes and rabbit ears in the trash and never perform that dance again. Better yet, you’re free of his burden, though the guilt remains. He can’t relax until he’s positive you’re okay, knowing he’s genuinely sorry. Standing outside your room, he tries to muster up the courage to open his heart to you—apologies not his strong suit—when he hears you crying. They’re small, muffled sobs that manage to shake him to his core, blood running cold. Yeah, he should knock, but he can’t control himself, throwing the door open without hesitation and rushing to your side. The sight of your tears is almost too much to bear, and he draws you into his embrace, face heating up at his own moment of vulnerability, but this is about you, not him. He can be strong for you too, telling you everything’s going to be okay, that the Great Mammon is here to help.

After his stupidity, you tell him you were afraid to bother him? He can hardly suppress the shock at your confession, the sadness in your eyes breaking his heart. You wanted to make sure it went smoothly for his sake? You suffer through Hell alone because you chose to put his feelings first? Crazy. Though he thanks you, not completely ashamed to admit he’s touched. However, he tells you that you don’t have to put aside your feelings for his benefit; he prefers to be by your side then know you’re having a rough time on your own. He is your first. Taking the initiative, he asks what he can do to make it up to you, no matter how big or small the request is because he’ll do it in a heartbeat. You opt to stay in his arms, burying your face into his chest, and he wipes away your remaining tears, being as gentle as he possibly can. He can feel how tense your body is, your skin unnaturally warm, and it takes a while until you stop shaking. It’s moments like these he’ll tell you how much you mean to him—that he loves you, okay—and he wants you to come to him for everything. He’ll hold you, taking your hand in his, and kiss you with all the adoration in the world because you’re incredibly important to him. Mammon can attest to that.

LEVIATHAN

Leviathan invites you to his room to play video games, a daily routine the two of you have comfortably fallen into. He loves gaming with you, though on occasion you opt to watch instead, thoroughly enthralled by whatever is on the screen. Miraculously, you enjoy listening to him ramble—whether it’s about the game he’s playing, anime he’s watching, or TSL among other things—genuinely showing interest in his passions; he’s incapable of expressing how truly grateful he is for your company. His heart nearly bursts whenever you compliment him on his gaming prowess, encourage him during a particularly intense battle, or merely tell him how you enjoy hanging out. How in the Devildom did a gross otaku like him get so incredibly lucky? He can hardly believe you love him of all demons. The thought alone sounds crazy lmao. 

Unable to contain his excitement, he awaits your arrival that night, ensuring everything is perfect when he hears a knock on the door. However, his smile fades the moment he lays eyes on you, mind beginning to race as he wonders why you look miserable, your gaze trained on your hands. Before he can speak, you apologize, dissolving into tears while you return the game he let you borrow. You’re stuttering, completely winded, and he can barely hear you confess to accidentally corrupting his data in your panic. In fact, he loses track of the number of times you choke out a sorry. He treasures his games, his collection extensive, but he cherishes you most of all. The loss is a minor annoyance, nothing that lessens the feelings he harbors for you. Although difficult, he overcomes his insecurities to show you it’s okay—you’re loved.

Not only are you sad, but you’re also terrified, a part of him wanting to destroy the game itself if it means you never have to experience the pain that torments you now. Regarding you carefully, afraid to make matters worse, he reassures you that he’s not upset—far from it, honestly—and that he cares about you more than any game. No stranger to your panic attacks, he reaches out to take your hand in his, hoping you find comfort in what he has to offer. And when you finally glance up, hope shining in your tear-filled eyes, he can’t help but wrap you in his arms. A warmth spreads across his face, heart pounding in his ears, but he knows you need him, allowing his body to relax around yours.

Holding you against him, he tells you everything’s all right, stuttering out how he loves you and, most importantly, wants to you to feel better. Your arms circle around his waist, causing his heart to jump into his throat, but he only pulls you closer. You’re his Henry, and what friend is he if you can’t rely on him? Leviathan is understanding, wanting you to come to him for support at your most vulnerable. Now he puts his knowledge to the test, easing you into his room with continuous words of affirmation. You always know how to console him at his lowest, and he hopes he can return the favor. If anyone deserves to feel loved it’s you, who brought joy into his otherwise bleak world, and he’ll sit with you every day and night if you need him to. 

SATAN

Satan knows he shouldn’t be awake, though he finds it difficult to satiate his curiosity as he peruses the books lining his shelves. He barely registers the sound of his D.D.D, reluctant to put the book aside to see who’s messaging him at this ungodly hour; Asmodeus most likely. His tune changes after he sees your name lighting up his screen, his annoyance replaced with worry. He knows you struggle, especially at night, but he can tell you’re hesitant to reach out. Nevertheless, you gradually begin to confide in him, his patience limitless if you’re concerned, and he feels a sense of relief that you choose to trust him at your most vulnerable instead of suffering on your own. Pouring over every book he can locate on anxiety, he studies it religiously, engraining each page into his memory. Not by giving unsolicited advice—he doesn’t want to make that mistake twice—but by comforting you the best he can, even if it simply means to stay by your side, waiting for the panic to pass.

A second later, he appears at your door, gaze softening as your eyes meet. In the darkness of your room, he can tell how exhausted you are. You apologize for bothering him, particularly this late, but he dismisses you with a shake of his head and a reassuring smile, sitting beside you on the bed. It saddens him that you feel the need to, but he’s familiar enough with anxiety by now that he understands how much of a manipulative monster it truly is; if only he can destroy it with his own two hands, strangling the life out of it so it no longer taints that innocent soul of yours. To watch you struggle fills him with a rage that he forces deep within himself, fully aware anger isn’t the answer no matter how great his desire to protect you is. So, he cups your face in his hands, your skin warm beneath his fingers as he strokes your flushed cheeks and presses your foreheads together. 

Focus on him, he tells you, the steady rhythm of his breathing, and his voice while he whispers words of love and encouragement. He never tires of letting you know how beautiful and strong you are, that he’s always here for you and loves you—all of you. You unravel in his arms, opening your heart up to him, and he listens intently, pressing a gentle kiss to your lips the moment you look uncertain. You’re not a burden he promises, hoping one day you’ll believe it yourself, but he’ll remind you every chance he gets; forever if he must. It’s worth it in the end, when you relax against him and smile, kissing him in return. Slowly, the anxiety leaves your body, Satan thankful that the waves of panic have receded enough to let you rest your weary mind. He remains next to you, pulling you down to lay your head on his chest and closing your hand in his, entwining your fingers. He’s content here with you, watching you fall asleep and chasing away the nightmares.

ASMODEUS

Asmodeus loves shopping, but he loves shopping with you most of all. The day is bright with you by his side, and he can’t help but buy you clothes and matching accessories to bring out your inherent charm. Your potential is endless, and he gushes over how gorgeous you are, unable to contain his excitement when your cheeks turn a beautiful shade of pink in return. He can hardly control himself around you, gaze fixated on your every movement and heart racing each time you flash him one of the sweetest smiles he’s ever seen; your very soul seeming to shine through and blind him. Nothing prepares him for the love he feels for you, but he considers it a welcome surprise, his desire to grow closer to you intensifying day after day. You captivate him, the Avatar of Lust of all demons. What an exciting turn of events!

Of course, he attracts attention wherever he goes, posing for pictures with adoring fans and basking in the compliments constantly thrown his way; nothing new, but he enjoys it, nonetheless. Who can resist the allure of his very presence? However, anger wells within him at the sight of you being shoved to the side, falling to the ground and lost to the crowd that has gathered. Their words of flattery fall on deaf ears as he rushes to you, throwing a heated glance at the lowly demon who dares to touch his darling human. He desires nothing more than to punish them for such an injustice, but the fear in your eyes tells him otherwise. By the time he scoops you up into his arms you’re trembling from head to toe, and he can feel your heart pounding against him. A part of him places the blame on himself, an unfamiliar feeling, but he chooses to ignore it for now, focusing on getting you home in your worsening state.

In the peace and quiet of his room, he sits you on the bed, wrapping you in his arms as he affectionately runs his fingers through your hair. He can tell you’re upset—in an absolute state of panic by the looks of it—and all he can do is hold you through it, quietly asking what you need and willing to answer your every beck and call if it means that adorable smile graces your features once more. For a moment he considers seeking out Lucifer, worried something has gone terribly wrong, but thankfully you find your voice, mumbling into his chest about anxiety and panic attacks, that you’ll be fine—eventually—and are sorry for ruining your date. He doesn’t understand completely, though he knows you need him, promising to stay by your side for as long as you want. Kissing your cheek, he assures you there’s no need to apologize to him, your safety more important than anything else; the demon who laid his hands on you won’t go without punishment either.

Admitting a bath helps calm you down, he prepares one for you, steam rising from the surface and the heady scent of roses filling the air. Together you slip into the water, enveloped by its warmth, and he hums in contentment as you lean into him, his arms coming to rest around your waist. He watches you carefully, making sure you’re able to relax and preparing himself in case you call on him; he’ll do anything for you if it brings you the happiness you deserve. Your eyes flutter close, Asmodeus showering you with delicate kisses, comforted by the fact your breathing has levelled out and you appear a lot calmer than before. The day didn’t go as planned, and he hopes to make it up to you, vowing that no one else will hurt you on his watch. He loves himself. He loves his brothers. But loves you most of all.

BEELZEBUB

Beelzebub notices you haven’t touched your dinner and is beyond happy the moment you offer your plate to him. Yet he can’t bring himself to enjoy the food in front of him while you excuse yourself from the table, eyes downcast and voice quiet, the usual smile gone from your face and leaving behind an emptiness that rivals his own hunger. His mouth waters at the thought of seconds, but his concern for you grows, and he decides to follow you without question, disregarding the ravenous growl of his stomach. He catches you in the hallway, calling out your name. You turn to him, his brow furrowing in unease at the sight of your tears and the slight tremble of your lip. It hurts him to see you in obvious distress, and he earnestly offers his support.

The only sound is that of your sobbing. He desperately wishes to hold you tightly and rid you of your pain. However, he falters, studying you. Your gaze is trained on the floor, shoulders stiff with tension, and the color drains from your cheeks. When you speak, he’s surprised by how helpless you sound and the fact you’re trying to reassure him, putting his needs above your own although you’re struggling to hold yourself together. Fear flickers across your features at the echo of the brothers’ voices travelling up the stairs, and he mumbles out an apology as he carefully lifts you into his arms, cradling you to his chest. 

Before the others can round the corner, he hurries down the hall and slips into your room, determined to protect his vulnerable human. He notices you relax against him, your fingers curling into his shirt, and he can’t help but want to keep you close, relieved after you lean in closer to wrap your arms around his neck. Stroking your hair, he allows you to cry, his patience and love for you endless. Eventually, you mutter an embarrassed sorry, thanking him profusely, but he’s merely relieved you’re beginning to feel a bit better, reassuring you that you can always depend on him. 

Listening to you intently, he never breaks eye contact. You open up to him about your anxiety, his stomach twisting as you describe what you call a panic attack and how it wrecks you both mentally and physically. Beelzebub knows he has a lot to learn, but he expresses interest in understanding anxiety and, most importantly, how he can help you, so you don’t suffer alone. For the rest of the night, he keeps you company and eases you through the remainder of your attack, giving you plenty of hugs and rubbing your back in soothing circles until you no longer shake, and your heartbeat returns to its usual pace.

BELPHEGOR

Belphegor enjoys the time you spend together, especially when the two of you are alone. He asks you to accompany him in the attic, and it’s not long before he curls around you, falling into a peaceful sleep as he listens to the steady beat of your heart. However, when he awakes it’s to the sound of your soft cries in the dark, which fill him with a fear he can’t seem to shake. Without hesitation he’s at your side, sitting up to softly place a hand on your shoulder and ask you what’s wrong. The sadness in your eyes as you glance up at him, tears staining your cheeks, tugs at his heartstrings. He can’t bear to see you upset.

Once he realizes you’re having a panic attack, he’s attentive to your needs, cradling you in his arms as you cry into his chest. You confided in him about your struggles with anxiety after you fell to pieces in front of him months ago. A part of him understands, the loss of Lilith haunting him throughout the years and instilling a similar feeling of unease within him, especially when his nightmares seem to blur the line between reality and the painful memories of his past. You always came to his rescue and now it’s his turn to comfort you in your time of need. Sleep can wait.

With you in his embrace, he brings you down to relax against the pillows, pulling the blanket around your shivering form. You rest your head on his shoulder, and he gently brushes the remaining tears from your face, whispering words of love and reassurance. He listens to you when you’re comfortable to talk, the slight tremble of your voice causing him to draw you closer and press a kiss to your forehead. Belphegor tells you he’s here for you—forever—and although he’s still learning about anxiety and finding the best ways to comfort you during an attack, he wants you to depend on him no matter what. Even if that means you wake him up in the middle of the night. He won’t rest until he knows you’re okay, and you’re peacefully sleeping in his arms.

[oh-my-moomin]

NGE: You Deserve Love

This is an analysis based solely on the og NGE anime series and not the movie or rebirth series so I won’t be mentioning those.

NGE is a psychological horror/apocalypse story dressed up as a mecha. This farce is only totally dropped in the last 2, even 3 episodes. This can make the ending jarring and seem in cohesive, but ultimately my understanding is that none of the ‘plot’ really matters. Seele doesn’t matter, where the angels come from doesn’t really matter, and the final battle doesn’t matter. This is a story exploring loss, the need for connection, loneliness, and humanity. We see this through not only the interactions of the human characters but also through the angels.

THE HUMANS

The Children

A defining trait of all the characters is that they are lonely. The isolation from human connection is brought on both by the high stress apocalypse they all live in, as well as the personal demons they face. The characters all attempt to create bonds with other people, but are held back by their insecurities, fear of vulnerability, and past traumas.

Let’s start with Shinji, as the main character. Having lost his mother at a young age, and being abandoned by this father, he was never able to feel secure. Therefore he takes on a people pleaser attitude, constantly apologizing. His want for validation (particularly from adults in his life) causes him to continue to take action that he doesn't want to, including piloting the EVA. His self hate and insecurity makes it hard for him to make and trust his own choices. So he relies on others to guide him. When this fails, when he doesn't get the love and validation he craves he tries to quite entirely. But this often leads to the people he cares about being hurt. He's trapped between a rock and hard place.

Asuka was also abandoned, however rather than craving support like Shinji, she chooses to live for herself. She craves independence. She needs to know that she is no longer a child that can be hurt and vulnerable. This is largely shown through both her overt sexuality, and her piloting the EVA. She must be in control of the EVA, she must have power, she must be able to prove herself as the best, the strongest. Because inside she still feels like that hurt desperate child, and that is what she hates most about herself. Unlike Shinji, Asuka is brash and rude, and she expects others to give her the same. She barks and expects you to bark back, but can’t always handle it. 

Both of these characters are constantly looking for connection, with both their peers and adults. While Asuka often pushes herself on to people, out of a need to be seen. Shinji cannot take active moves to make meaningful connections, and will shy away from people trying to connect. Asuka hates herself and needs to prove that others love her. Shinji hates himself and cannot imagine that people love him. 

The Adults

One of the running themes in the show is motherhood. Typically it is the mother that is expected to love and care for the child, to raise them, show unconditional love, give unwavering support. None of the characters have had this, Shinji and Asuka search for validation that they lost in adults in different ways. Unfortunately for them, none of the adults present are suitable to be parents. 

The show makes a point to show that the adult characters are all more complex than the children. They have lived longer and therefore had more time to make mistakes, to get stuck in toxic ideals, to ‘be problematic’. They are not concretely good or bad people (mostly), but rather the result of people who grew up in a post apocalyptic world, trying desperately to stop the salvage it, while also trying to make their own connections. Like the child characters, their past traumas make it harder for them to be more open, vulnerable, and weak, to form that human connection. 

I am going to focus on Misato and Ritsuko, since they act as foils when it comes to human connection.

Misato being left as a lone survivor to a terrible accident has left her scared both physically and mentally. Before this she had issues with her parents, as her father seemed to abandon his family in favour of work, leaving her mother devastated. Misato doesn't want to become like her mother, abandoned by a loved one, and she also doesn't want to be her father, a slave to work. To counter this she looks for easy connections, but she never wants to get too close.

When her relationship with Kaji was beginning to feel too real, she began to find flaws. His resemblance to her father was terrifying, so she broke it off. Similarly, when in scenes with Shinji, talking about his insecurities or his want to give up, she is hidden by shadow. She cannot be seen as weak, she cannot offer comfort, she cannot be a mother figure to Shinji. Other ways her searching for easy connection is her drinking beer, or eating take out. She searches for the most basic ways to fulfill her needs, so that she can focus on her main goal of defeating the angels. 

Ritsuko is also desperate to find human connection without vulnerability. By fully closing off the whole world she can have no weakness, something which she resents in Misato. She views herself as above the need for connection in that way, and would rather follow in her mothers foot footsteps as a scientist and a woman. 

She loved and admired her mother, and hated her. She wants to follow in her footsteps but also would hate to fail in the same ways. She saw how her mother failed to actually mother her, and chose to completely reject that part of herself. Instead she cares for cats, and uses those as a surrogate to having a child. She continues her mothers work as a scientist, constantly striving to improve. And when it comes to the ‘woman’ that her mother was, she knew a stubborn woman who focused solely on one man. So Ritsuko also focused on him, to the point of giving up her cat to her grandmother. Both women tried to create an easy connection with him, both felt that they were his equal, and that they found the one connection that mattered. When it was proven to them that they were a second (third) woman this caused them both to break down. For Ritsuko this meant that even though she closed off the whole world, except for one man, she was still too vulnerable. And her only response was to completely shut down. Because she had no one else.

All of the characters are constantly searching for this connection, trying to show affection without getting hurt. Trying to make sense of the end of the world while also making sense of interpersonal relationships. Their own inner demons getting in the way of honest connection. 

Rei

As a clone Rei is a particular case. She is aware that she is not a ‘person’, she isnt meant for human connection. Her isolation is so ingrained into her, planned before she is even ‘born’ so she feels no need to care for anyone except Ikari. She latches onto him, would do anything for him, and has no value in her life because she is aware that she is not real. 

However, she still has a human source, Shinjis mother. A human person, who also needed human connection. Rei, when given the chance, does care for people. Shinji is the first person to see her as a peer, and to treat her with kindness. With this start of forming connections, she begins to feel more human, to develop a further need to connect. Even if it's hard to fully separate from the man who created her.

THE ANGELS

The angels act as a foil to the human need for connection. While all of the human characters are lonely and searching for connection with each other, the angels are also lonely and trying to learn what that even means. 

There is no scene where the angels are working together, they are solitary, all having the same goal of reaching Adam, but incapable of planning together to achieve it. They instead try to create connection to humans, trying to bond and understand them, without knowing that their methods are harmful. 

I believe this can be first seen with the 12th angel. When Shinji is absorbed into the EVA, it is safe to say that the angel was able to understand the merging of human and EVA. This connection allowed Shinji to control the EVA to break free of the angel's shadow. The following month where Shinji is trapped within his EVA, is our first insight into what the human instrumentality project will be like, as well as the goals of the angels. 

Since angels cannot connect to each other, the 15th angel attempts to create connection by forcing itself into Asukas mind. It wants to understand her, her emotions, her thoughts, her connections, her love. For her this is a painful experience, akin to rape. She feels dirtied after it. But the attack is a beam of light, with holy music playing, what should be a calming experience. I believe it is fair to say that the angel cannot understand that it is putting her through pain, as it cannot understand any human experiences. Angels are incapable of understanding their own feelings/experiences/wants, and try to use humans as a study from which they can learn. 

The following angel confronts Rei about her loneliness. Instead of breaking into her mind through light, it directly entered her body. While talking with her, it questioned what loneliness was, trying to understand its own pain and isolation through understanding hers. Its solution is to merge with Rei, as it believes this would solve both problems. 

However, when she refuses, the angel then tries to find another source of connection. Rei cares about Shinji, as both a clone of his mother, and a friend as her own person. The angel can see that this connection is something that she finds precious and tries to take it for itself, as it cannot understand why Shinji wouldn’t feel the same. It cannot understand how complex human connections are, that it cannot simply take Reis form. However, it has learned what pain is, and how to communicate its own pain. As seen when Shinji attacks it. Whether this pain is physical or emotional doesn't matter, because it is the first pain that the angel could express.

The angels discovering what loneliness is acts as a way for the human pilots to begin to explore their own isolation in more depth. For better or worse.

THE FINAL MESSENGER

Our introduction to the final angel is him singing. He takes a human form, can fully communicate to other humans, and doesn’t immediately attack them. This is such a contrast to all other angels that it isn't immediately clear that he even is an angel. Kaworu's first words are (as per the netflix english subtitles)

“Arent songs great? Songs enrich the heart. They're the crowning achievement of Lilin culture” 

He loves humans, human culture, human lives, and the human world. He is the first angel who is able to show this. His ability to understand humans allows him to form human connections, and he does so with Shinji. 

Kaworu loved Shinji. He would seek out Shinji, take time to bond and communicate with him, and help Shinji open up. He wanted to be close with Shinji, and knew how to be gentle in ways that no other human or angel could. He was patient, because he had time. And Shinji was able to open up to him more than with any other character. Shinji  was able to take the initiative to ask to stay with him, to try and form that connection.

All the human characters are struggling with their own demons, with an apocalyptic world. The whole earth is at war and Shinji is in the front lines, surrounded by adults who may want to help him but ultimately can't. Saving everyone is a higher priority to saving one kid, especially when that kid is your strongest soldier. Throughout the series Shinji is given conditional love. It is only when he pilots the EVA, defeats the angels and saves the day that people give him validation. Then comes this boy, who is gentle and kind, who listens. And it's easy, its comfort, its understanding and unconditional love, and its exactly what Shinji has needed for the whole series. 

But as a messenger he could never stay, he's temporary and by the end of the episode he understands this. He still is driven to ‘Adam’, he has a mission, but instead he is confronted with Lilith. Kaworu understands that humans and angels cannot live together in harmony, only one can survive. Both Adam and Litlith were made in god's image, but only Adam could stay in the garden of Eden. Death and Life hold equal value to Kaworu, so he doesn't mind the sacrifice, he would rather die to protect humans, to protect Shinji. He can  also understand that this is difficult, this is murder, this is killing a friend. So he says “thank you” and he waits.

In other episodes when in a battle, Shinji is constantly being yelled at, told what to do, under constant pressure. But here there is just the same patient understanding that Kaworu has always shown him. No rush for him to take action, just time to process and grieve. Because Kaworu knows Shinji will make the hard choice and he waits, and he smiles, and he continues to love Shinji. 

The final angel came down as a messenger and said

“You are important. 

I want to talk to you, to know you. 

You are in pain, you are fragile and should be protected. 

You are worthy of my affection. 

I like you. I love you. I was born just so that I could meet you. 

Our kind cannot survive together, one of us must die. And you deserve to live. 

I will take this burden of death because you deserve a future. 

I am glad I could meet you, thank you. 

I know this is hard, and I know you need time. I will wait.

Thank you.”

That was the last message to humanity.

And because Shinji is human he says back

“We are the same. I love you too. If only one of us could have lived it should have been you. You are better than me. You should have survived.”

[redrobin-detective]

*crawls through you bedroom window* actually sorry I’m not done talking about the tragic, complicated clusterfuck which is Ben and Rook’s friendship/partnership. Because of how it was set up and their own personalities at the time, it was doomed to fail. I mentioned previously how neither got to know/understand the other and I retract that because it’s not entirely true. They did get to bond in a way that you almost have to when you’re in life or death situations together but they never talked about it and so each went on thinking they weren’t important to the other.

The whole nature of their partnership reeks of impermanence. Max obviously knew ahead of time that Gwen and Kevin were leaving for college and had time to prepare. Ben being on his own, reckless and stupid, was not an option. I wonder how many candidates they went through before they got to Rook. They chose someone who excelled at Plumber training, who knew the rules Ben never bothered to learn backwards and forwards. Someone who would balance out Ben and keep him reigned in. Someone who was obviously destined for higher management so why not give him the best field training possible? Rook, if not Ben, was certainly aware that it was a temporary thing. Ben was 16 going on 17, soon he wouldn’t need a partner anymore; this was the last attempt at training wheels. I imagine the partnership dissolved not long after Omniverse ends, when Rook becomes Magister and probably has new training and responsibilities. Ben, almost an adult by human standards and hopefully positively molded by Rook’s influence, is deemed ready to be on his own. 

So imagine you’re Rook, you’re a newly graduated Plumber who was ready to take on the universe. You’re informed you’re heading to Earth and you will be working one on one with your idol, the Ben 10, the one who inspired you to leave your traditional, isolated homeworld. You meet your hero and while he’s got the watch and the quips, he’s also a child in a culture you don’t understand. You’re disappointed that your hero isn’t as perfect as rumor and propaganda told you. You’re angry and frustrated and you don’t bother to hide it, Ben almost seems to retaliate by being more obnoxious. The more time you spend with Ben, you realize there’s a method to his madness. He wins more battles than he loses, what Rook at first took to be Ben’s flaws turn out to also be his strengths. Seeing Ben in action snarling and laughing in the face of certain destruction, he realizes that Ben is, at the same time, a stupid, idiot kid who barely has an idea of what he’s doing but also twice the hero Rook thought he was. Suddenly Ben 10 isn’t just a poster in his room or a radio show to listen to in the dark, he is a real person and that makes him even more worthy of admiration.

And Rook does admire him, quietly. Ben keeps up his walls and Rook lets him because who is he to try and really befriend Ben 10? Rook is just one of billions of Plumbers in the universe, Ben is the universe’s savior. I bet before Rook ever stepped foot on Earth it was drilled into him that Ben Tennyson was to be protected at all costs, that Rook’s life was nothing compared to Ben’s. Rook already comes from a very restrained and private culture, he won’t initiate anything beyond what is needed for to the mission and to save his partner. It is enough for him to be able to work alongside his hero (even if said hero is thoughtless and ridiculous and has no sense of self preservation and he drives Rook insane but by gum does he respect the hell out of Ben when he isn’t contemplating murdering him). When the time ultimately comes for Rook to depart, he will be sad but not mention it. Because he imagines he is only a blip on Ben’s radar, a temporary partner before Ben goes onto bigger and better things. He never tells Ben that his loyalty wasn’t to the Plumbers, to Ben 10 but to the scrawny, sleep deprived kid who always remembered Rook’s favorite smoothie flavor. 

Now imagine you’re Ben. You’ve saved the universe at the cost of your privacy, chance for a normal life, general sense of safety and sanity. You’re quickly losing track of what part is you and what part is the myth about you. Two of your three major support systems abandon you without notice. Over the years of AF/UAF, Gwen and Kevin saw all your brokenness, fears, vulnerabilities, watched you go from dumb kid to hero. You didn’t have to tell them these things, they saw them happen and just knew. And now they’re gone and you only have your grandpa who you love but is also sorta of your boss now. He tells you you’re being assigned a new partner, someone chosen without your consent, someone you’re expected to trust your life and secrets with. Fine, this Rook fellow will do. He can watch your back but he’s not having any pieces of your broken heart. 

You fight, both bad guys and each other. The two of you have such opposite styles that you clash. He may have training and discipline but you have experience and incredible power. You fumble and bicker and somewhere through it all find an understanding. Suddenly the rumble of his voice is familiar as Kevin’s once was, his logical approaches and teasing barbs slot in where Gwen’s used to be. It’s not bad, you tell yourself. You know this isn’t forever, that it’s not real, but it’s not bad. Because you know first and foremost that Rook is a Plumber and you are not. You also know he is a fan and you are acutely aware how short you fall from the perfect hero ideal. Ben laughs, clinging harder to the arrogant hero façade and pretends Rook’s disappointment doesn’t crush him. If someone who’s forced to work with him doesn’t like Ben, then how can he be the beloved savior everyone tells him he is even though he doesn’t quite know how he got there? He’s just a kid doing his best and soon buries himself in his perceived role.

Time passes, Ben and Rook have been through so much. Against your will, he’s seen some of your broken parts. He sees past your cracks, sees your guilt and grief and bone deep fear. But he doesn’t seem upset, even more disappointed by the failure hero. He is kind, friendly, understanding. Not enough that Ben feels comfortable to open up but he relaxes, just a bit. Rook isn’t just a forced upon partner, he’s now a friend. But he knows Rook is only here because he was ordered, he feels Rook’s annoyance with him and believes his kindness is only out of duty. It’s fine, he’s used to everyone around him bleeding him dry of everything he has and then some. Just another part of being a hero. He’s not Kevin or Gwen but he is Rook and he is grown on you because Ben is always an open soul, one who wants to receive some love he gives so freely. You finally feel steady, like you can stop pretending so much and try and find some peace and happiness in your dangerous, chaotic life.

Suddenly so fast, you’ve saved the universe once more and Rook is moving on. It’s like Gwen and Kevin leaving all over again. Rook himself seems excited to move up the ranks, to get more tassles on his uniform. He is a soldier at heart, you are not even if you play the part of one. You are a child only you’re not anymore, while you were busy saving everyone again and again your childhood was stolen from you. Now on the edge of adulthood, you’re told it’s time to take responsibility. You want to scream you’ve been doing that since you were 10 years old, that someone else can do  it for a change. You want to beg Rook to stay, to drag Gwen and Kevin home, to hide your loved ones away with you and not have to confront the big, bad universe alone. Instead, you do what you always do. You swallow all your fears, your wishes and hopes and shake his hand goodbye and wish him well. You don’t tell him you’ll miss him, neither does he. 

Rook and Ben part as the strangers they never stopped being even if both of them aches at the loss of the close proximity, of the friendship. Both are very much aware that the relationship was weak, transient, that it might have been something more if they gave it more attention. However, too many things were between them and both of them genuinely believed the other didn’t care as much. The rest of their lives they remain friendly, distant but polite. It’s not much different from when they fought side by side even if they wish it different.

[rpbetter]

PTSD or C-PTSD?

Hopefully, you’re not one of the muns out there who has slapped a “PTSD” label on your muse(s) for drama only. You are, instead, treating this topic with respect and the realism that comes with that, not only having it accurately impact your muse when it’s convenient and “fun” for you. Well, that respect and realism includes actually knowing and applying the correct diagnosis and symptoms as well.

In your defense, if you have misdiagnosed your muse, common terminology in media and even among trauma sufferers is often just the blanket-statement of PTSD. Also, as the abbreviations imply, they do have things in common. 

To help, I’m going to break down their differences and similarities, then provide some research links including personal accounts to help you get started.

PTSD

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder most often comes from a single traumatic event.

What can be a traumatic event can differ widely, and reasonably so; we’re not all the same person, processing events and emotions the same way, or with the same formative life experiences. What might cause PTSD to develop in one person might be processed by another as a frightening or painful incident, but not one that has left them with PTSD. The symptoms, individual, and incident have to all be taken into account.

That being said, some examples would include:

having a severe accident

being mugged or in a store that is robbed

physical or sexual assault

being involved in a shooting, in any way

death of a loved one

an unexpected explosion or sudden, natural event like a mudslide or tornado

a severe natural or man-made disaster (building collapse, mass flooding)

events outside of oneself like witnessing a violent assault, murder, deadly car accidents, terminal illness or injury

Again, it is important to remember that individuals react in individual ways, and as such, their symptoms can express with some variation. Don’t just mimic the same presentations you’ve seen in media, research a variety of real experiences.

However they manifest, key symptoms of PTSD include:

Re experiencing the event by way of nightmares, flashbacks, and repetitive, intrusive, and intensely upsetting images, thoughts, and sensations. This is the most common symptom of PTSD, in which the person involuntarily and vividly relives the trauma.

Avoidance and emotional numbing, going to extremes to avoid not just potential triggers, but also finding any way possible to push memories of the event out of their minds. When the latter occurs and is extreme, the person is trying to feel nothing at all, seeking a path to emotional numbness. That can include substance use and abuse, self-harming, and other harmful behaviors.

Feeling on edge (”Hyperarousal”) is the ultimate inability to relax, constantly looking for threats, perceiving threats that are not to be found, and being easily startled. Some of the common issues with being locked into this state include difficulty sleeping or even insomnia, severe irritability and irrational seeming aggression, angry or aggressive outbursts, and finding concentration difficult to impossible.

Some other things that might develop with PTSD are:

Other mental health concerns like anxiety, depression, and/or phobias

as said above, harmful behaviors like self-harming and substance abuse

physical symptoms like headaches, stomach and digestive upsets, dizziness, and generalized pain

Like all disorders, PTSD is complex. I, again, implore you to research not only information put out by psychiatric professionals but also the experiences of real people.

C-PTSD

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder occurs when a person experiences repeated, consistent trauma, especially at an early age.

That doesn’t mean that adults cannot and do not develop C-PTSD, they do, and for a variety of reasons; adult sufferers have the same points of origin in the diagnosis as children do. Additionally, it may take years for someone to seek help, feel their symptoms are severe enough to need to, or be able to extricate themselves from the situation in order to receive help of any kind. They may be an adult by the time this happens.

The important thing to remember about C-PTSD is that it isn’t a single traumatic incident, and you are more likely to have this form of PTSD if the trauma occurred early in life, it was inflicted by someone close to you, and/or was inflicted by someone you still see on a regular basis.

Some good examples to give you the idea include:

ongoing domestic violence

child abuse and/or neglect

being raised by a parent with a severe disorder like Narcissistic Personality Disorder

repeatedly witnessing violence or abuse

torture

kidnapping

being a part of a cult

being a victim of human trafficking or slavery

It isn’t “complex” because it is always across the board “more severe.” This isn’t simply “even worse PTSD,” and shouldn’t be treated like that. Its source is more complex, the development and embedded varieties of its impact are, and the ongoing treatment is.

Particularly when C-PTSD occurs in childhood, there are lasting effects on a person’s development. They have developed in an environment that constantly has them highly stressed both physically and psychologically, and in which they learn many ways of coping, lessening or negating harm, and so on, that leave them less than optimally functional and integrated in life outside the situation.

While the person has the symptoms of PTSD, they will additionally exhibit:

difficulty developing and/or maintaining relationships of any sort

intense, consistent feelings of worthlessness, shame, and guilt

problems managing and even understanding their own emotions

suicidal thoughts

dissociation

increased risk-taking behaviors

Those who have had their actual development rerouted to deal with the situations that generate C-PTSD have a higher incidence of physical symptoms, suicide, self-harm, substance abuse, and are at higher risk of repeat victimization.

They might go for some time without realizing that their daily experiences are neither the norm nor something sustainable, or how atypical their traumatic experiences were compared to those around them. It can sometimes take a serious life-event (suicide attempt, drug rehab, losing too many jobs, homelessness, or finding themselves in a genuine, loving relationship) for them to fully recognize something is wrong, and even then, their feelings of worthlessness, ingrained lack of self-confidence, and belief that they don’t deserve any better can prevent them from seeking help outside of themselves.

They may also believe that something is just “wrong” with them, that they are innately messed up, or that they have a different mental illness. And the unwillingness to open up to people, relieve events, etc. can additionally leave them unwilling to seek or continue care when they believe they have a different, underlying problem. Again, choosing to deal with this themselves through self-isolating, self-medicating, and seeking only relationships and jobs that will work within the framework of the disorder as it effects them.

Additionally, many sufferers of both C-PTSD and PTSD experience the same sense of societal shaming surrounding mental illness. They may struggle with denial, and refuse to seek assistance due to the stigma and all it entails.

Shared aspects of PTSD and C-PTSD

They’re both, obviously, severe, life-altering trauma experiences and resultant disorders. They both easily make the sufferer feel like the trauma and disorder is impossible or undesirable for others to deal with, that they are not worthy of being in close relationships, among many other similarities in experience living with either disorder regardless of widely varying traumas.

They share psychological and physical impacts, and there is a lot of overlap.

The core symptoms of PTSD are shared with C-PTSD:

relieving the trauma(s)

avoiding and emotional numbing

hyperarousal

The shared physical symptoms can include:

headaches

nausea, stomach ache, and digestive upsets

difficulty sleeping and insomnia

sweating, clamminess

chest pain and difficulty breathing

manifestations of low-grade to severe pain

dizziness

Shared behaviors can include:

difficulty concentrating to outright dissociating

self-harm

substance abuse

being hyper-vigilant, easily startled

may seem to be over-reactive to/in situations that others are perceiving as normal or not that big of a deal due to lower perception of personal emotions and lower emotional regulation

including explosive anger or defensiveness

development of anxiety and depression disorders, the symptoms thereof

Again, both PTSD and C-PTSD are serious disorders caused by trauma, and they both need to be treated with respect and accuracy when written into a character - be that an OC or a canon character. It is unfortunate, but these symptoms and the realities of life with either disorder are often portrayed badly in wider media, and the RPC often imitates what it sees.

PTSD and C-PTSD, like the incidents of trauma that created them (rape, child abuse, domestic violence, miscarriage, etc.), are not a plot-point, other point of interest, or a character trait, let alone a “character flaw.” They’re not something you only bring up for attention, to get your muse out of a bad spot, or to add dramatics when you’re bored in a thread. Neither are they something you need to attach to your muse simply to give them A Label. These are, I cannot stress this enough, serious topics, and they deserve to be treated that way.

You can do that by defining which variety of PTSD your muse may actually have, then adding research of both the disorder and how it impacts a variety of real people. Making your muse more realistic and being dedicated to sticking with it.

Below are some links to get you started on research! Please note, the real stories, as well as some information, may be graphic or triggering. Read responsibly.

C-PTSD

Out of the Storm - Personal Stories of C-PTSD 

-Contains real stories from those with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Their experiences have a huge range; bullying, childhood neglect and abuse, and sexual abuse and assault.

 I Have Post-Traumatic Stress and Didn’t Know It - and You Might, Too

-Personal story of living, unknowingly, with C-PTSD. An especially great read for writers who have muses who hold a lot of responsibility in their daily lives, who may not realize their experiences are C-PTSD related, etc. Contains discussion of parental emotional abuse, mental illness and childhood trauma, and rape.

What is C-PTSD?

-Excellent resource for detailed breakdowns of C-PTSD giving without a clinical, impersonal tone. The definitions of the disorder itself, symptoms and how it manifests and impacts daily life, and much more. A highly recommended source, and one with further resources on-site.

 11 “Habits” of People Living with C-PTSD

-Short breakdown of C-PTSD, followed by snippets of specific experiences in the words of those living with the disorder, a relatively short article.

PTSD

Rebecca’s Story: Living with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

-Personal story of a woman living with PTSD from, in short, being stalked by a co-worker. It’s an excellent article, particularly for how mental illnesses sufferers are treated and portrayed, and how that adds another layer of difficulty to their lives. Obviously, this may be triggering to those who have been stalked, and includes mentions of graphic threats.

My experience of PTSD

-A personal story of medical trauma resulting in PTSD. Many of the PTSD stories you’ll find are from women and involve sexual trauma or harassment, in trying to find a variety of stories, I’ve found this one. By this point, you should be noticing many similarities in these stories, regardless of specific trauma.

Leaving the Battlefield: Soldier Shares Story of PTSD

-So many muses experience PTSD through battle-related incidents, and those depictions are not always accurate in media. This is a personal story about one soldier’s experiences. His perception of PTSD, denial, and shame at having the disorder is something that echoes throughout the previous accounts. So do the similarities of daily struggles to maintain to regular life. Before anyone wants to get Tumblr Nasty about it: there isn’t any “war propaganda” present in this story, the location of it is irrelevant to what you’re supposed to be learning here. It’s literally this man’s experience, don’t.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder 

-Breakdown of symptoms and causes from Mayo Clinic, so obviously, this is more clinical-minded. Particularly useful for its lists of things like “symptoms of negative changes in thinking and mood” and increased risk-factor for other disorders.

I hope this helps you to assess and write more accurately your muses with C-PTSD or PTSD, and to consider these things more fully when having your muse experience a traumatic event in your plots.

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Please, remember when you are reading these accounts, and anywhere you might encounter PTSD sufferers; these are REAL PEOPLE. Treat them and their stories with respect. You’ll note that, unlike other posts on this blog, I didn’t advise you to approach the source. Many trauma sufferers won’t be comfortable sharing their experiences for the sake of your creative hobby. You may, at your respectful discretion, discuss this with close friends you know to be impacted by PTSD, just keep in mind that respect, discretion, and only bringing the topic up when they are comfortable with it, with specific questions, is necessary here. These are not fictional characters! Do not write someone’s real experiences into your character, thread, etc. verbatim, that’s...fucked up. Thanks in advance for being responsible, respectful adults, from a real life PTSD sufferer. -Vespertine