#do you think I'm emotionally stable? I don't think I am. but then I meet other people who are wildly more unstable than I am and hmmm | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

tubbypeddle · 2 months ago

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Hi, could I get a jjba male romantic matchup from you? Part 1~7 since I haven't finished 8 yet.

I am an ENTJ, Leo. I consider myself as intelligent and rational, so I'm a pretty serious person for most of the time, but around people who are very close to me I'm way more relaxed and fun. Even though I'm an extrovert, I do prefer spending time alone or partner and the few close friends I have rather than socializing with a big group of people. Though I am pretty confident and stylish so I won't be shy about presenting myself when meeting new people.

As for my partner, I tend to be attracted to people who are more similar to me. So I would love someone who is also levelheaded and mature, who I can have deep conversation with (yes I believe smart is the new sexy hahaha). I admit I could be a bit bossy and hot tempered at times, so I'd need someone who knows how to communicate and could bring my calmer side back. My love language is quality time, I would love to spend time with my partner either engaging in activities we both have passion for, having discussions over something we're both find interesting (maybe a book we're both reading), or it could just be us chilling watching shows or gaming together. It'd also be great if they're fun in private so we could have inside jokes and just relax within each others presence. When It comes to people I care about deeply, I would be a great listener and could give useful advice, and is willing to help them feel better in whichever way I can. I could definitely fall for someone who would do the same.

So, appearances:

-166 (5'5) at height

-Pretty average bodytype, leaning towards the skinnier side

-Long wavy black hair with curtain bangs, black eyes

-I usually dress in classic style while also playing around with colors

That'd be all! Thank you for taking this request!

so. as I was finishing up the last bits of this. my laptop restarted AGAIN. I swear, Tumblr hates me

ANYWAY. ugh

(author's note: credits to gif owners, of course <3 also please, I know everyone is sending me in asks for matchups, but please DM me for more information on them. I have questions that I'd like to ask to make this easier for me to write for you 🥺)

It's a lovely day in Morioh when you meet him.

Koichi Hirose

Hear me out now.

Out of everyone in Morioh, Koichi's probably the one you'll find the most meaningful conversations with, other than one other person I can think of.

Out of everyone in Morioh, he's probably the most emotionally stable. Which is. Saying a lot. Because there are a lot of people in Morioh.

He's had the most stable childhood environment, so he's the most emotionally competent.

He enjoys talking about his feelings with you. Talking about something deep and meaningful, anything you want to talk about, Koichi is your best bet.

Not that I'm giving you someone you'd have to settle for. He's actually quite the amazing boyfriend.

He's attentive, and kind, and he takes the initiative to take you out on some wonderful dates.

He keeps his friend circle small, despite knowing half of Morioh. His closest friends consist of Josuke, Okuyasu, and you. Which tracks, with you liking to keep your friend circle small.

He personally doesn't mind that you have a tendency to get a little bossy.

See, he's a Pisces; a water sign. And you mentioned that you're a Leo. A fire sign. Now I know some people say they're not super compatible, but I don't care about that.

All I'm seeing here is that you're a fire that he's able to put out when he needs to.

He can calm you down when you might get a bit too bossy. He personally doesn't mind when you boss him around. (as i've said before) But he knows other people can be put off by it. So he's sure to stop you when he feels people might get too irritated.

He also enjoys when you two have time alone. He may not be as video game crazy like Okuyasu and Josuke, but he does like playing games like that. Especially with you.

Playing games alone like this leads to many inside jokes between the two of you. Jokes that not even I am privy to in this separate world, so enjoy those jokes between just the two of you.

He also loves the way you look, admittedly. Koichi isn't so shallow as to prefer the way you look over anything else about you, but he does appreciate that he has such a pretty girlfriend. And with him being so short, he's happy that you're not too much taller than him.

It would put an awkward distance between the two of you.

-_-_-_-

But Koichi isn't the only one you have the option of having in Morioh.

Okuyasu Nijimura

is also a very viable option.

He is a teenage boy, so admittedly, it's your looks that draw him in to you initially. He thinks you're real pretty. He doesn't think he has a chance with you at all, but he tries anyway. Just to get it out of the way.

If you say no, at least he tried. If you say yes, he has a girlfriend way out of his league.

He may not "seem the type" for mature conversations, but he really is. He thinks he's stupid, and he may not be the smartest in school, or impulsive, but he's not stupid.

He likes these deep conversations. He likes talking about mature topics, and he likes hearing your opinion on things.

And if you're looking for advice or insight on something from him, he offers some of the most eye opening words. He looks at problems in an angle that you could've never imagined.

He offers words of advice that are so simple that they're complex. It's amazing having these conversations with him.

He's a very kind boyfriend, too. Very observant.

He likes seeing you, in everything that you are. He stares way too often, and he's surprised he doesn't get caught staring at you, even before the two of you are dating.

So he notices. When you show interest in things, he gets you tiny trinkets or gifts related to them. He gets you sketchbooks, and writing journals, and pretty pens and pencils. Video game figurines, or new games you expressed interest in.

He also loves quality time with you. Any moment that he can spend alone with you is a moment well spent. He also just can't get enough of you. Similar to Koichi, he has to have his hands on you whenever he can.

He likes playing video games with you, he likes it when you read whatever you're reading aloud to him (he's not big on reading himself, but he loves listening to your voice). Anything you're doing, he wants to do it with you.

He loves your private jokes, shared only with him. He's the only one who will ever get to see you like this. I mean. Hopefully. He wants to be the only one you'll ever have these kinds of jokes with.

You two will meet eyes across the room after someone mentions your inside jokes privately, and he'll try not to laugh. Or he'll nudge you when someone says something related to your special jokes.

Special moments like these mean a lot to him.

Honorable mentions!

Hot Pants

She's oddly attached to you as soon as the race starts. She likes your rather calm nature and deems you hers. It's just a shame Diego also seems to like you.

Noriaki Kakyoin

He adores debating with you. He loves sharing opinions, or even not having the same opinion as you. He loves to hear what you have to say anyway. It's a nice break from Polnareff and Mr. Joestar, who are more immature than he would've thought for men their age. Or Jotaro and his one word sentences.

god, I am so sorry this took so long. I've had way too many problems with this one.

#jojo kimyou na bouken #jojos bizarre adventure #jjba x reader #jjba matchups #Okuyasu x reader #Okuyasu nijimura #koichi x reader #koichi hirose #matchups #tubbypeddle

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kiddotarot · 3 months ago

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Hi! I'm here to participate in your exchange game, it sounds like fun lol.

I love learning vedic astrology through your blog, I feel like it's more interesting learning from someone who speaks the native language of the practice you know? They notice things that you don't!

I'm going for the tarot reading option. So here is your reading!

Decks used: True heart Intuitive tarot, sacred earth oracle, blue bird lenormard & astrological oracle

Cards that I got: Wheel of fortune, 6 of discs, king of swords, 2 of cups, king of cups & the hermit

Oracles I got: Anchor, Tower, Fox, Absence & specialisation

Your future spouse to me is someone very mature. They could most likely be your age or just around your age, if they are older however I don't see them being that much older than you ( 2-4 years max).

They give me the impression of an introverted soul, someone very wise and knowledgeable. He is a very patient person as well. Emotionally stable and calculating.

He could have grown up in a low income family when he was younger. His parents may have had financial struggles. His parents have put a lot of effort ensuring your future spouse gets proper education, and never submitted to any obstacles. His home life growing up was also relatively harmonious, his parents are very kind and loving to him. From this, I feel like he grew up with a lot of love and respect for them.

He may have been a great student, he probably has a very good or at the very least stable job that allows him to live comfortably. He is also very generous to other people with his wealth and knowledge. The type to help others without expecting anything in return. He could also have accumulated a lot of good karma in his life.

Your love life will be very harmonious. With the two of cups I feel like both of you will be soulmates who are understanding and kind to each other. In the deck I'm using, the two of cups depicts two lovers exchanging cups in front of the Taj Mahal!

Perhaps you'll meet him there? Or you will meet him while travelling. He could live in a different state/country than you. He may have gone through the dark night of the soul, may have went through a period of isolation during his youth.

Maybe he didn't have that many friends in school? He is the type to be protective of his energy. He may also be into esoteric knowledge with the 'specialisation' card. Could be religious or spiritual.

He could be a teacher, a lecturer or an IT specialist, any career that has to do with communication and intellect.

In terms of astrological signs, I'm getting Leo, Virgo, Capricorn and Libra. Libra was very persistent tho, the card kept flying out even after I put it back in the deck lol.

This is all I'm getting at the moment. I hope you enjoyed your reading! ♡

Oh, and here is my D9 chart. I'm not very accustomed to vedic astrology as I am to western astrology so I'd like to see what you think. I read somewhere that my dk is Saturn. Just ask me if you feel like something is missing!

Hi Thank you so much for participating and for exchange is really amazing 👏 💖 . You can tell me if i need to add for length. i am open for any suggestions.

Your future spouse can be famous or they can have leadership qualities they can be a person who hold authority and may be guide a lot of people can be famous can shine like a sun and may be main character energy . They can be into money making or can look like person who have comfortable living. They can be emotionally present for you when you need them or they can look very young and charming . There can be chances that you may be face some problems in case of emotion compatibility or there can be delay to understand it . The main focus of the marriage can be related to home may be they or you both focus on bringing or building a home where you both can be happy in your life . They can be fortunate for you or moving with them can be fortunate for you may be your travel a lot or shift abroad after marriage. They can own a lot of property or money . Chances can be some people can harm the reputation of marriage but it won't last long may be because work place or peoples but it won't lastlong cause yiur future spouse it determined to make a safe home for you there can be a lot of love in marriage and luck because of them . There work can be related to logical thing and communication where they can use there will power may be medicaland psychology. Over all people view your marriage as this is basically depends or communication and you deal with it with intelligent and there can be some secretive about it but you guys don't give to much attention or other people view cause you know how you make your home . Your expenses can be go into health related problems it important you to take care of there health problems. There can be gain into marriage fom medical feild or they lesson or hardships you are going to face . Just don't give up sure you both are power couple.

Feedback is required for my improvement

#exchange readings #kiddotarot #kiddo ask

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femmefatalevibe · 1 year ago

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Hey! I love your page and your work.

I needed your advice on this. I am in a relationship with a gem of a guy. He's a walking green flag. And he goes above and beyond the bare minimum at every step. He's emotionally mature and wise, considerate, patient, deeply loving, etc. He makes me feel safe. In all- he meets all my standards and then some. We do long distance.

I have been feeling increasingly overwhelmed about this lately. He loves me crazy, to him it's passionate, groundbreaking, lightning-struck love. And i remember feeling all the butterflies and excitement in the beginning, but now I don't see myself loving him with the same intensity as he loves me. And that makes me fear if I love him at all. I come from a past of parental trauma and abuse and i know that my attachment patterns have been affected by the immense trauma I have endured. I remember how intense my first love was, just like in the books and poems and films. It breaks my heart to keep thinking that he loves me the way i first loved someone else. But i don't love him with the same intensity. Lately, I've been feeling a lot more detached due to these thoughts and I wonder if I'm losing interest. But he treats me so well and i don't know if this is just a trauma response or something that's actually happening. I don't "feel" A LOT. My attraction to him varies majorly. It comes and goes. I'm feeling very conflicted. Please help?

Hi love! Thank you so much <3

Let me just say that questioning your interest over time with a long-distance partner is incredibly normal, and feeling safe in a relationship easily sets off alarm bells for many people who have experienced trauma/have insecure attachment styles. So, dealing with both at once sounds like a lot. I commend you for remaining highly self-aware regarding your triggers and emotions.

Firstly, I would do a gut check to see if this man seems like he's a compatible match for you at this stage of your life – not just a super kind and attentive guy (while both are important qualities, but just because someone is a good partner, it doesn't mean necessarily that they're the right partner for you and vice versa).

Second, I would evaluate if you're losing interest in your relationship or if the spark fading due to the physical distance (no to little IRL intimacy or shared experiences). Do you find yourself excited to talk, text, and see him, or do you hesitate/avoid communication with him? Are you in similar life stages? Are your goals, values, lifestyles, and future paths compatible? How long are you planning to remain long-distance if you believe you're still right for one another?

Third, considering your history of ongoing relational trauma, I would consider what your definition of love and a healthy relationship look like. Do you believe passion involves intense or fleeting emotions? Do you thrive in emotionally stable or chaotic relationships? Do you see passion, attraction, and companionship as interconnected or separate aspects of a relationship?

It is perfectly normal to settle from the "honeymoon" phase of a relationship and take those hormonally-charged blinders off to see the "normalcy" that plagues all stable relationships. This stability can be super uncomfortable if you've never experienced it and can make you want to run back to the chaos you're accustomed to. However, in a long-distance relationship, losing this spark is too easy when you see each other much less often in person and especially if you don't communicate frequently or in engaging ways.

My recommendations would be:

Figure out why you're pulling back in the relationship and prepare to have an honest conversation about these feelings with your partner. Maybe also see a therapist or mental health professional about this issue if you have the resources to do so

Once you determine your unmet needs or wounds being triggered in the relationship, start ideating some low-stakes solutions and implement them into your daily/weekly interactions with your partner. If you're missing the frequent physical intimacy or shared experiences that typically exist in romantic relationships, consider ways to foster this closeness again (for intimacy: phone sex, sexting, FaceTime date nights, etc.; for shared experiences: FaceTime date nights, have a couple of long phone call recaps/story-sharing sessions per week, agree to watch some of the same movies/TV shows or read the same books/listen to the same podcast episode and chat about them; create a special photo-bonding activity – whether it's sharing your homemade dinners with each other most nights, a lunch-break selfie, a specific object/location that reminds you of them every time you pass it, certain memes you exchange every day, etc.)

Consider how much effort you're willing to put into making this relationship work. Being honest with yourself about this determination can make all of the difference in your perception on how to move forward (or not) with this relationship

Hope this helps xx

#dating advice #long distance relationship #long distance couple #long distance love #relationship advice #dating tips #dating #life path #life advice #girl advice #girl talk #self reflection #personal growth #femmefatalevibe #q/a

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raelynnteam · 1 year ago

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Jaina has been separated from the people who help keep her safe and emotionally stable for over a week now. The following are some messages she has sent to friends, documenting the experiences.

6/9/23

"This morning CC3 Forbis asked me if I was being threatened. I told him I'm hiding in my cell as much as possible is because I don't know anyone, and I don't feel comfortable in this day room. I mean the CUS herself told us when we first got to this unit that she put us in A-pod because there were lots of predators in B-pob, and I don't know who they are.

I am becoming an antisocial nervous wreck. CUS Wakefield is saying she can't move me back to A-side till her boss the Associate Superintendent of Programs (Arnold) signs off on her investigation report. She turned in the report yesterday morning, I don't understand how it can take more than 24 hours to review an investigation report when the investigation only took 3 days.

I am scared and uncomfortable. I did nothing wrong, and neither did Ashley. CUS Wakefield told us that to our faces. I do not understand why they were so quick to separate us, yet they are dragging their feet to correct what they now know was a false statement by another inmate, an inmate who probably filed that report knowing that I would be separated from the people who keep me safe, so that they themselves could attempt to take advantage of me. I can't eat, I can't sleep, my heart is constantly pounding, I have tingling feelings in my hands, I have cold sweats, and for days now I feel like I haven't been able to catch my breath. I am scared to leave my cell, except to rush out the door to meet up with Ashley for yard.:"

6/8/23

"The witch hunt is endless. Tonight at yard, Ashley and I were laying in the grass, and I was describing the clouds and their different types and how they can be used to predict the weather.

The CO managing the yard came up to us and said "how about you two move a little further apart" to which Ashley sat up and had a lot of things to say, most importantly "NO, we aren't going to do that", and "we aren't even touching each other", to which the CO responded "I didn't say you were touching each other" and Ashley started going on at him about it. She was getting a little heated, so I held up my hand at her and said, "relax, calm down, he's wrong, you're right, he knows it, you know it, there's no point in arguing about it".

She lay back down next to me and the CO (saying nothing else) walked away. We continued our conversation about the clouds

Interactions like this are all too common. You may notice the CO in this incident didn't even actually give us a directive, he phrased it as a question or suggestion, but we may still be getting infracted for refusing to follow a directive anyway. That doesn't matter, because we were not in violation of any policy.

Yeah, men don't typically lie in the grass that close to each other watching the clouds. It might look a little strange if we were men (though it still wouldn't be a policy violation). Our proximity was an expression of our gender identity, which we are allowed, as long as it doesn't violate policy.

In the past, I have had CO's comment on the amount of eye makeup I used to wear (it was not excessive by any stretch). I even had a CO tell me to take it off before.

"I'm gonna have to ask you to take that off your eyes" "

uh, why, and no?"

"because it's not real eyeliner"

"yes it is"

"show it to me"

I fetched the pencil.

"do you have a receipt?"

I sighed and went to fetch the receipt, the officer kept the pencil at the desk (this was the officer station in my unit at the time). When I returned with the receipt, another CO was there, and they both examined my pencil and receipt incredulously, then returned them to me.

This was early in my transition, and at the time only transwomen were allowed to purchase makeup at "male facilities", the obvious implication of their actions being: they didn't think I looked like a woman.

The experience was very disheartening and it massively triggered my dysphoria. I was not given any sort of search report.

This has always been the attitude of the majority of DOC Staff. They usually overlook my gender expression because it suits them just fine to mis-gender me, and when they do take note of indications of femininity, they call into question its legitimacy.

I know if you are incarcerated at this facility you were assigned male at birth, and I'm not convinced you're a woman. Could you please produce documentation to prove your gender?

When Ashley and I first got snood scarves, I was wearing mine, walking into medical when a sergeant shouted at me

"hey, you, what is that on your head!?"

"it's called a snood, it's religious"

"it doesn't look religious!"

"Jewish women wear them"

"Come with me!"

she went into medical and I followed her

she took my ID and went to a computer

When she returned she said

"I don't see it on your matrix so I'm going to confiscate it"

"I just picked it up from property today, I have a receipt back at my unit if you'd like to come check it."

"I'm going to confiscate it and give you a search report and I will give it to your unit sergeant for review."

I sighed and took it off and put it in the bad she held out.

When I got back to my unit, Ashley talked to the pod officer and showed her my receipt and search report. The pod officer made some phonecalls. An hour or so later my property (and accompanying paperwork) was returned to me.

I still have the search report. Under reason for search: suspicion. I still don't know of what she was suspicious. Suspicion lying to staff? or Suspicion of impersonating a woman?

We had problems with another CO for nearly a month after that, because he tried to tell us we had to take them off in the dining hall. (Mind you this was after he too had seen the receipt, and been told they are religious.) Meanwhile I didn't see him checking receipts or matrices for the numerous men who wear religious headwear. Eventually Ashley was able to get our unit Sergeant and several others involved to get that stubborn CO off our backs about it. We were never in violation of any policy in this case either.

The harassment is endless, and so much worse when it comes from staff trying to excessively exercise their authority and power over us."

#prison abolition #trans woman #harassment cw

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phaedo · 2 years ago

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Say more about Rose and Yaz, I think you're onto something

I'M RIGHT. THIS IS THE THING. I'M RIGHT. like i don't know i feel so deranged sometimes but i literally am right. (and also who cares if i'm deranged it's doctor who fanfiction and i'm having a good time)

i mean okay so like full disclosure i've written extensive fanfiction with a number of different rose&/yaz relationship dynamics. at some point last year i had a real unhinged spiral about parallels between the two (uhh i have a post about it here. i don't really think thirteen was written that way on purpose anymore though, i was a lot more optimistic about the specials when i wrote that).

but like... okay so of course i'm deeply attached to both of them as individual characters. but my interest in their dynamic i guess started as just... noticing that yaz fits the same archetype as rose (19-year-old woman, bored with her job, meets the doctor, falls in love) and wanting them to meet and talk about being with the doctor. and then my unhinged spiral last year ended with me being like "okay so they both spend their early 20's looking desperately for the doctor. what if they met during that time." and at that point i didn't really ship them romantically, but i thought that just by virtue of both being in love with the doctor, they would each understand something really fundamental about the other, and between that and just being really really lonely/touch starved they would find a connection.

but then it's like... okay so like. rose is really emotionally intelligent and open. i would consider that to be one of her main character traits. and she expresses her attraction openly too, for the most part. like it takes her a long time to verbalize her love for the doctor, but you can see it in everything she does. and yaz is a lot more reserved/repressed in that area. so putting rose into the equation helps her open up, helps her relax a little bit, and also forces her to express herself, because rose will straight-up be like "so you're in love with the doctor" and then yaz has to deal with the fact that yes she is very in love with the doctor.

and then i think in a lot of ways i see yaz as very steady. like of course she and rose will both run into danger at a moment's notice, they are doctor enjoyers, but i think yaz has sort of a logic to her that i think makes her very stable specifically for rose, if that makes sense. and like i think she's also very emotionally intelligent but in a very different way. so like she's someone rose can rely on for support, she's good in a crisis, etc.

and they give each other a level of understanding that she really needs from someone-- yaz sort of gets that from dan, but like… like do you ever think about how rose and yaz both canonically ran away from home as teenagers? i think about it. i think they have a lot in common that they don't necessarily get from anywhere else. like i just feel like they see each other in a way neither of them is necessarily used to. and they can be open with each other in a way they kind of can't be with anyone else, up to and including the doctor, because with the doctor (and to be clear i do hardcore ship both of them with the doctor) there's still this sense of uncertainty, like they don't know where they stand, they don't know whether or not the doctor even does romance like a human, etc, and there's this sort of barrier (i mean also like. the doctorrose is gay meta is relevant here too, because part of why that barrier exists is that the doctor does soooo much repression). but with each other they can express themselves, and there's a lot they just understand without expressing it.

and then also i think it does give them both space to exist without the doctor/outside of the doctor. which of course they can do without being shipped with anyone (one reason i love the rose tyler dimension cannon audios is they showcase rose's character and growth without the doctor), but like both rose and yaz are so strongly associated with the doctor that i think it's fun too to step back and say "yeah that's cool but what about this other dynamic?"

of course with doctor who there are so many different dynamics to explore, and honestly i find most of them to be really fascinating. like you can put any two characters in a room and i will find something to go full unhinged blorbo brain about. but of course rose and yaz are both really dear to me as characters and i think about them often. separately and together. and i do maintain that they stabilize each other in a really interesting (and arguably healthy) way.

if you are. interested. i am going to link a few of my fics too that explore their dynamic/illustrate my personal thought progression. i feel like linking my own fic here comes off as insufferably self-centered but like the fact is if you want me to say more you might be thrilled to hear i have already said like tens of thousands of words in fic form. and i think too it's something that like... it's easiest to explain by just. showing examples of how i think their dynamic could play out naturally. i guess because when i first say "yaz/rose" i feel like it sounds like it comes out of nowhere but if you put them both in a story and give it enough buildup i think it's easier to understand? but of course then i have to convince people to read tens of thousands of words of fanfiction about it. anyway:

this is the first one where i was like. yeah yaz and rose should meet and possibly be friends

this is the one where i was like... okay yeah they'd be friends but let's see if thasmin and thirteenrose can exist in the same space (spoiler alert They Can)

this is the one i wrote after my super unhinged brainrot where they meet while yaz is stranded in edwardian era and rose is dimension hopping

this is not the first thirteenyazrose i published but it is the first thirteenyazrose i wrote. it's also part of the series in which i established disabled rose but that's... a different post.

this is the human au i'm currently posting weekly in which i have yaz and rose already knowing each other long before they meet the doctor. i have another au with similar dynamics but it's nowhere near being ready to post, i just rotate it in my mind every so often.

so yeah that's all. thank you so much for sending me this ask i literally could rotate them in my mind forever. like. i really really could. blorbos

#doctor who #meta #lifeblogs #literally like i would have elaborated on my own but i feel so much less silly about it if other people are asking me

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todayisafridaynight · 2 years ago

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Of course! I'm glad my Unmitigated Braindumping has given you more opportunities to talk about them at length I never know where to start myself, so I'm very thankful for the jumping-off point that first post provided (and that many of your posts provide!) This has been a wonderful experience. (Also, uh, since these "bookends" work for more personal stuff--I am No Longer Sick and I'm happy to hear you seem to be doing a bit better!)

Reading it over, I figure the event transcript itself is okay to share, so here it is on my test wiki! It's, well, it's about the same length as this ask will probably end up, and it's a "sequel" to his first event. A thing I really like about Mine's RGGO content is that It's All Connected; the narratives continue to build upon each other to this day. That's not the case for almost any other character.

And totally! With Mine in specific, I feel there's enough reductiveness on "both sides" regarding his sexuality and regarding Daigo that trying to put forward any particular stance would be detrimental on top of the reasons we've discussed. It's probably a bit weird to say this about a fictional character, but Mine's a whole person independent of the men in his life, y'know?

I actually fell for the red herring with Katase myself until the Kanda scene we talk about below haha, so I guess that's fair enough on your friend's part. Definitely the case that the ending makes it clear that's not how it is, though.

Mine's interactions with women are always fascinating to me, especially in contrast to Kanda as you mentioned, but also in contrast to the main series protagonists. Just the way he immediately drops everything to help the woman Kanda attempts to assault when he and Kanda first meet almost on instinct says a lot to me when almost every protagonist occasionally acts like it's an inconvenience to Them to intervene.

I'd say a lot of it comes from growth on the writers' parts in terms of understanding that, hey, being totally complacent in Kanda's actions is scummy. So I appreciate that Mine is by far the one who does the most to minimize Kanda's harm (up to and including having him killed, of course, but also getting him arrested in that event as well as physically stopping him--and apparently dozens of others, since every woman who picks him up in that event is apparently a woman he saved lmao.)

I feel like Mine, when mentally stable, has this almost "chivalrous" quality to him. I'm kind of reminded of Hijikata as well in that they both insist on calling every younger woman they meet "miss"; it's a little old-fashioned, perhaps condescending, but still kind of cute (biased though lol, the ratios on those three things may vary.) There's a lot I want to talk about on this topic with regard to Hijikata, the historical account, and other "definitive" Shinsengumi media, but I'll probably save that for another ask.

But on Mine and relationships, there's so much to unpack there! The old joke is absolutely applicable. And because he was talking about how he's "never 'picked anyone up' in his life" in that event, agreeing to all these "dates" but never enthusiastically (I think the one and only time he didn't seem actively unhappy was in the finale to the accompanying card's character story), I do wonder to what degree his passivity would play a role in other romantic encounters. Agreeing to whatever those women wanted whether he really wanted it himself.

Rewinding to Katase a bit, while that was obviously not romantic, I think the interaction in the finale could perhaps provide insight as to a problem he may face in romantic relationships. Which is his refusal (or inability) to be emotionally honest while sort of expecting the other party to be perfectly attuned to his emotions.

Because like, I don't think Katase /didn't/ care about him whatsoever, I think she just took his "I'm fine"(s) at face-value and took a "business as usual" approach without realizing how much that would upset him in his current state. I would be mortified in her position if I called up my boss on an urgent matter and he said he was "fine" and then just completely stopped responding before hanging up lol, especially upon learning he committed suicide shortly thereafter.

But that interaction is (or appears to be) something he emotionally experienced as a "betrayal" despite being totally unintentional, so I have to wonder how much of a pattern it is in his life; he's been concealing his real problems and saying he was """fine""" since he was a kid, after all. I obviously can't say anything conclusive, but it "feels like" there's something there with the way he sort of lumped in the women he's been with with his coworkers when talking about how "they'll all abandon ship sooner or later" or whatever.

Like, I don't doubt that some (or perhaps many) women would like him for shallow reasons, but all of them…? Hm. Not Sure. That said, there's definitely an argument to be made he was seeing hostesses and sex workers (seeing him talk to a hostess is one of my top 10 reasons for wanting him to be a protagonist at some point tbh), but I guess there's also an argument to made that those types of relationships are overtly "fake" and "paid-for" and so wouldn't appeal to him? I wish we actually got to see some of that when Kanda took him to cabaret clubs.

And hey, you're totally right about Aoki's secretary! That was something that stood out to me as well. Her screen-time is roughly comparable to Katase iirc, so it's puzzling. Jo's leftover files really are such an enigma, because everyone's got unused voice lines and stuff (and they're still interesting to listen through for "another dimension" to the characters you don't get to see in-game), but there's so much that's Unique to him. I can only hope some of those ideas are explored elsewhere.

Kanda's insult is a lot of fun to examine for the exact reasons you mentioned, because on the surface and in a literal sense, the translation is "off the mark"--but is it? I'm not sure how much crossover there is between cultures in this regard, but I know when I came out as bisexual to my family, there were a lot of accusations thrown around that I'd become "too Westernized." It's definitely something I'd like to ask native speakers about if I can get over the embarrassment; perhaps if that's no help, one of my books or papers on LGBT issues in Japan might have an answer.

I'm definitely under the impression that both localization teams understood Mine wasn't straight. I might be a little bit biased with regard to the original, since, like I said, that was actually the scene I began to "suspect" Mine was gay lmao. But there was an effort to maintain accuracy in the finale even if the wording is superseded by Y3R's intensity. In that respect I kind of wonder about the reason for the change, because it addresses the homophobia but not the inaccuracy.

Right! I do give Mine some credit for attempting to be cautious with Kanda and Daigo, of course. It does seem like his misanthropy (or his tendency to spiral into it when things go wrong, anyway) has a lot to do with his guardedness. And he definitely does have a tendency to look to the future to the detriment of his ability to consider the present (or even that the future might not turn out exactly as he predicts). "The pinnacle of hindsight bias" is the perfect way to put it.

I think that's very much evident in how much of his mental state hinges on things he takes for granted. He'll finally be happy now that he has Daigo to dedicate his life to, because of course Daigo will be around forever (spoilers: he won't.) He'll finally be happy now that he can take over the Tojo, because of course the Tojo will both accept him without a fuss and be around forever (spoilers: it won't).

But I very much agree this is exactly the sort of thing that makes him such a captivating and relatable character! It's been a lot of fun exploring that side of him with you, just as it's been a lot of fun exploring the Arakawas. Of course, I would also be interested in your take on Arakawa and femininity whenever you're feeling up to it.

It was no trouble, thank you so much for taking the time to watch my recommendations! Also gave me the push to get started on Hero with a friend and am excited to see how much that changes my perception of the special! Tsugaru's very much got things going on and I'm excited for the rewatch. Eventually! I honestly have no idea where I stopped watching Pure haha, but I recall wondering if her dependence on her family would just end up being transferred onto Toru, so I'm glad that's not the case at least.

I really appreciate the vote of confidence regarding examining the localization further! That means a lot to me. I think it was especially worth emphasizing Jo and Ikumi's youth because both dubs make the somewhat odd choice to have Jo voiced by the same actor (whereas teen Arakawa is given a different actor), and the model doesn't really have the same wide-eyed innocence Tsutsumi did when he was younger.

I did notice Tsutsumi's performance was much more animated than for Jo as an adult though, and it was a lot more "obvious" when he was saying things he didn't mean, so I appreciate the effort to make up for it in terms of Tsutsumi's acting and probably-Yokoyama's direction.

It's probably hard to believe these days haha, but if anything, people were significantly more vicious towards Arakawa than towards Jo at launch. It just got to be too much to take after a while, especially because I had to see it from ~mutuals~ too. Like you guys know that man's my namesake and that I can see what you're saying, but you're not even going to tone it down a little bit? Okay I Guess.

It felt really aimless to me, because it was like, what, "betraying" Ichi? Having a "weak" "redemption?" I'm not going to say Arakawa Did Nothing Wrong, and I'm sure even he would never be satisfied with whatever he tried to do to make it up to Ichi (he never was when it came to Masato), but he Kind Of Died before he had the chance. Sometimes that's how it is, but Ichi was always going to forgive him.

Of course I should be happy people loved Ichi enough to feel so protective over him, and I kind of am, but I can't fully put my experiences aside either. I don't want to harp on all that too much now that things are looking better though lol.

All of that aside, I'm glad Princess Toyotomi was an enjoyable enough experience! Although it's not as direct as Honnouji Hotel, I think there are still some time-bending aspects with reincarnation and such that history buffs can enjoy. For example, Matsudaira was Tokugawa Ieyasu's family name, and Sanada was the name of a samurai he respected greatly although they were on opposing sides. And of course, the Sanadas as a whole served as vassals to Toyotomi (after the Honnouji incident, coincidentally, haha.)

Chako was also named after the mother of Toyotomi's heirs, so I suppose one could have seen that coming if they were aware of that, but I really, really wanted Daisuke to be the princess too! She (and Sanada's acceptance of her) were very much one of my favorite things about the movie as a whole. I appreciate that, whenever I've seen transgender identities and gender non-conformity come up in Nakai and Tsutsumi's works, that's generally how it goes. Most of their works tend to narratively align with their viewpoints in real life so it's cool.

Speaking of, family issues are very much a pattern in Tsutsumi's characters! Most of what I could say here is a bit spoiler-y, so I won't, but I hope you'll notice more as you go on to experience other roles.

I was hoping to reply to the other asks here, but that got to be Too Hot To Handle (read: way too long), so I'll section them off into a different ask (that you'll probably end up seeing before this one haha). Hopefully they're a bit easier to respond to separately as well. Thank you for your time, and sorry to take up so much of it!

I love how all of Mine’s stories are connected, it feels like some sort of atonement for the fact that Mine wasn’t going to be RGGO’s main protagonist anymore: if we can’t have him in a brand new story, then we can at least make up for it by having multiple prologue stories line up together. HUGE huge thank you for sharing this with me, it was an absolute honor to be able to read this!

It’s incredibly interesting to see Mine and his line of thinking in this story. At the end of Y3, Mine practically explodes with anger towards the people who betrayed him back then, yet with Tashiro he’s almost entirely the opposite. I guess in this particular situation though, Mine managed to find an optimistic outcome of that deceit: because Mine was booted from his company, he was able to find the thing he really wanted with the Tojo Clan. I can’t explain it properly, but that’s a sweet mentality for Mine to have honestly considering his displeasure with the society around him: something terrible happened to him (and Tashiro even tried to worsen the wound), but having been able to make the most out of the situation, he was almost prepared to let Tashiro go unpunished (I suppose this ties back into Mine’s whole thing of not striking unless attacked first). As a final small note on the story and translation, I love the sprinkle of French in his dialogue. As we’d talked about before, it’s just small details like that that help enhance his Westernism and I appreciate it immensely.

I totally agree on Mine being his own man/character and wanting to focus on that! That’s something I’m always worried about when I post honestly, as weird as that might seem. It’d be ridiculous for me to try to deny relationships between characters are some of my favorite aspects of RGG, but I also try to highlight the characters on their own. The reason why examining the relationships in RGG is so fun is because of how the characters are by themselves, and ergo the type of characters they become when put with others/how certain qualities of their characters become enhanced when in a (any sort of) relationship. In that, relationships help deepened characters, but they definitely shouldn’t be reduced to ONLY the relationships they have.

As for Mine’s relationship with women in RGGO stories, that’s an aspect of Mine I adore too, and I agree on the whole ‘address women as ‘miss’’ bit: it is old fashioned and potentially condescending, but the over-polite nature of it is endearing all the same to me personally. Just in general, Mine’s very polite and I feel like that’s a detail that’s overlooked at times, but it’s a detail I love all the same. Moreover, Mine generally being- at the very least- a decent person does remind me of Hijikata now that you mention it (despite his scary reputation, apparently almost all personal accounts with him only ever said nice things about him and how amiable he was), not to mention the virtuous nature of kirins, to go back to his original symbol. To extend on that, it does just solidify that Mine is a kirin at heart: he respects the people who haven’t done anything wrong or egregious, but he’s harsh on the people who do injustice (and even then, his tolerance is incredibly high. Back to the subject of when Mine first meets Kanda, he doesn’t punish Kanda for acting inappropriately with the woman, he only engages in a fight with him to get his attention. I appreciate that Mine still wanted to make sure the woman he helped was alright though, making sure she was able to walk first before putting his full attention back to Kanda).

I agree that Mine probably doesn’t pursue relationships himself and more so lets them come to him (especially if the ending of that Okinawa story where Mine’s approached by a woman on the beach is any indication or hint at his past relationships), and I especially agree that due to his closed-off nature, he ultimately jeopardizing any romantic partners he could have had. Ergo, I agree in that Katase shouldn’t be put at fault for dismissing Mine’s feelings (while we’re on the subject, I’ve always wanted to explore how Katase might have reacted to Mine’s death. I know she’s considerably an irrelevant character, but I can’t help but wonder how she might have felt and if she ever felt guilty for something she had no control over). I personally always live by the idea of saying what you mean, and as a result I don’t get upset with people if they can’t discern I’m not okay if I don’t tell them that. As for Mine, it’s painfully evident that’s now how he operates: he fully expects others to be on the same page as him, and as we see that becomes incredibly detrimental to him. It’s a consequence of his need to be independent, I believe: he’s become so focused on himself, he either isn’t comfortable with expressing the truth and relying on others emotionally, or he doesn’t know how to do it.

To expand on the hypotheticals of his past relationship, it really is hard to discern what ‘type’ of women he was entangled with (as in whether they were hostesses/sex workers or women he met naturally), and trying to find out which one is significant to understand the depth of his grievances. We know Mine isn’t fond of money- he understands it’s a tool to achieve what he wants, but it doesn’t make him happy (it wouldn’t be a stretch to even say it disgusts him in some aspects, or at least the greed it brings out of people turns him off). So would he seek out workers to get a sample of a human bond? But again, he’d know right at the start that bond would be artificial, so the only conclusion I can come to is that he really did have the capability to attract women on his own (or at least he didn’t have to ‘buy’ them, per say). And of course, the reason they didn’t work out could have been due in part to multiple reasons: women being with him only for shallow reasons, Mine’s inability to be sincere with others, potentially his sexuality, or maybe some mixture of these factors. Not all relationships are the same, after all. BUT this is all speculation at this point, and unfortunately I doubt we’ll get a concrete backstory on Mine’s relationships (but I do agree in being curious as to how he behaves around hostesses…)

I’m not overly versed on LGBT issues and terminology in the East, so I can’t say my input would be anything of much value. All I know is that- at least in the West as well- the concept of LGBT seems to be very ‘western’ for whatever reason (or at least, I see a lot of people get upset with Japanese franchises having LGBT elements and then claiming they’re ‘affected by the West’. Maybe it’s a two-way street for some). But yeah, all-in-all, it really is an interesting case of ‘technically this is wrong translation wise, but character wise it’s accurate’.

As for Mine and his tendency to be ‘short sighted’, that’s precisely how he operates! He very much has the mentality of ‘there’s no problem now, so don’t worry about it’, or at the very least he is very present-minded (outside of business endeavors, of course) and focuses on his happiness in the moment. I can’t fault him for that, though: again, it’s a very human trait to have, even if a little naive, so to say, but again it’s greatly compelling and relatable.

On to Jo though, it definitely was a weird choice to not have child Jo dubbed with a different actor- I know some boys can have deep voices by 15, but it really is jarring to watch and doesn’t help keep me in the mindset that they’re kids at the time. But you’re right in Tsutsumi’s effort to try and sound more youthful at least: it’s not perfect of course, but it’s definitely easier to discern that he’s supposed to be younger (and definitely fits better based on the interpretation the director might have wanted. For the Japanese dub, Jo sounds a lot more carefree about the situation and like he’s just ready to go home- like the circumstances are more of an annoyance than anything severe. Whereas in the English dub, Jo sounds more remorseful- or at least like he’s struggling with moving on from what happened. But that’s just my takeaway, of course).

About Arakawa’s negative reception though, on the surface I get it just from the premise of ‘Arakawa betrays Ichiban’. Even when I didn’t know anything about Y7 and I was just reading a quick summary of the game, I had a sour taste in my mouth after reading that part. BUT of course now I adore Arakawa. His methods were extreme and deadly, but it’s hard to come up with any alternatives for his situation (and it’s not as though he isn’t aware of the pain he put Ichiban through with his elaborate plan. It’s just another case of not everything a character does can be categorized as a purely good or purely evil action), and it’s unfortunate we didn’t get to see Arakawa try to make things up to Ichi after all they went through.

Onto Princess Toyotomi, I wish I was as much of a history buff for Japan as I am with American history: I love history so much, so I’m sure if I’d known these bits before watching I would’ve appreciated the movie and its details a whole lot more (not that I didn’t enjoy it of course, but having that context definitely would’ve been fun to notice while viewing)! It’s also sweet to hear that Nakai and Tsutsumi seem to be accepting of LGBT themes (I try not to look too deep into actors since I’m scared I’ll find terrible things and it’ll make viewing media they’re in awkward, but so far I’m glad that they appear to be decent guys)! On that note, I am absolutely excited to watch more Nakai and Tsutsumi works when I get the chance- I’m curious what you’re referring to when you talk about spoilers, but I’ll find that out seen enough I guess!

And I also have replies to your second ask, though I'll put it below the cut just to keep things separated and organized.

Whatever you decide to do, I’m sure it’ll turn out great (and if you ever need the tweet, I have it bookmarked and screenshotted- I can never be too certain on whether Twitter’s going to nuke a tweet nowadays…)! As for Masato though, I’d be absolutely surprised if he somehow survived. My reason to doubt as much were the funeral scenes, but with Mine- even if unlikely without repercussions- it’s not impossible to survive a fall from that height, so yeah RGG if you drop the confirmed He’s Fine I have no promises on being Not Annoying LMAO

In reference the nature of Jo and Arakawa’s relationship, I’m glad to have given you a chance to talk about their relationship further (it really is an awkward subject to navigate: it’s fair and reasonable to assume SOMETHING is there obviously, we just can’t put an exact label on it.)! And I am open to criticisms, whether that was the intent or not, otherwise I’m a fan of peer review and looking at notes on a subject together, so no worries!

I’ve always been a big fan of turn-based RPGs, so RGG’s push towards the genre’s been really fun to watch! Again, while you certainly can do storytelling through gameplay for action games, RPGs inherently being more story based definitely lend a hand in being able to inject smaller details better (especially in regards to attack/ability and weapon names that highlight aspects of a character)!

Thank you about my latest comic, it means the world that you enjoyed it despite how simple it is! It’s unfortunate I never draw Ichi since whenever I do, I always have fun with how different and expressive I make him (most of it’s due in part to wanting to make a homage to Akira Toriyama since if the gameplay of Y7’s going to be affected by Ichi’s love for Dragon Quest, then I might as well draw him with Toriyama in mind. But at this point, it’s just fitting to draw him so exaggerated)! And I definitely wouldn’t say your contribution was ‘small’, our back and forth’s were a pretty significant reason for me to have the energy and inspiration to draw the thing in full, so thank you again for chatting with me so much!

The subject of Hijikata and his poetry’s one of my favorite topics (if not majorly because according to people who read them, his poems weren’t all that good despite their famous nature nowadays), and I’m glad they managed to sneak in bits about him and in poetry in Ishin (like him reading in his room, and as you said, the quote at the end)! I can definitely see Mine wanting to thoroughly analyze Hijikata’s poetry just on the basis of being an art buff and wanting to extract as much meaning as he could from the writing (but again, considering the questionable quality of them, I can just as easily see pretty much everyone else looking at it without much regard lmao). On that note though, I’d be interested to see how the poems’ meaning ultimately become reworked in your vision!

Talking more about Ishin, Arakawa and Jo would have fit well with Kondo and Hijikata’s roles, I agree! Honestly, if it weren’t for Mine and how popular he is (which I’m infinitely grateful for, I shouldn’t have to say), it wouldn’t be hard for me to imagine Jo filling in his spot (especially if they were willing to swap in Zhao for Baba; they weren’t afraid to switch out RGG characters for other RGG characters. Though imaging Y7Jo having that slightly friendly air that Hijikata does definitely would have been… something to see lmao). Kondo was also considerably sneaky in Ishin too, wasn’t he? That definitely would have been a good fit for how lowkey Arakawa tries to keep things in Y7.

The complicated nature of Ichi and Jo’s relationship is such a neat subject. As you said, I’m sure part of Jo’s frustrations with Ichi lie in how Ichi’s seeming aloof nature reminds him of his own careless attitude as a kid: nothing like old-fashioned projection to make you irked by someone, right. On the note of Arakawa though, it will be interesting to see how they interact now that they aren’t technically ‘required’ to with Arakawa gone and there’s technically no more need to keep the peace. As I said in some ask ago, I do hope they have a more neutral bond come LaD8; I don’t think it’s reasonable to think they can ever be as close as Ichi and Arakawa are, especially how shut off Jo is, but it would be nice to see them more civil and relatively on the same page (maybe despite Arakawa being gone, they can at least appreciate his memory together right. Not that Jo seems too earnest to crack on sharing his personal feelings about Arakawa anytime soon, though, but maybe one day Ichi can convince him lmao).

Shifting a bit, I do wonder why Kiryu was responsible for making sure Jo was going to be alright. That seems so weirdly specific, especially when Kiryu doesn’t seem to have any connection with the Arakawa family. I hope Gaiden answers that question too!

And if you ever want to talk about Ryuji, feel free to write in about him! It’s been a while since I’ve focused on Y2’s story, but I at least remember his scenes well and I’m pretty solid on his character!

#long post #like REALLY long post #holder until i think of a tag for these asks #snap chats #i think i had additional notes i wanted to put down here but i've forgotten them at this point OOPS #im glad to get you interested in picking up hero! and tho i can't remember exactly what episode or range of episodes of pure you mean #if you ever decide to restart the show i hope you enjoy it !#also i probably could have. cropped each 'ask' so i can better put my responses to those and make it neater but uhhh #i only realized that after i copy/pasted everything so oops

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swueesharts · 2 years ago

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For Misery Loves Company

-A Picture I took this evening, after seeing some acquaintances I know take pictures of the same scenery. Guess my photo diary habits did influence others

Today, was a day that leaves no mark in my life. Well, it does. But not in a way that leaves me satisfied. I am utterly chagrined with myself. I tried to improve myself more and take a step closer to a better me; I planned to study art from P5R(Persona 5 Royal), I wanted to do some figure croques. I also wanted to organise the vocabulary that I accrued over the years to expand my repertoire. But alas, my media addiction took ahold of me. I wasted 5 hours of my life on Netflix. Although while impressive and relatable, binging blue period wasn't on my agenda.

It's funny how terrible you could feel from realising the damage you did to yourself. I currently feel like someone took a cutter knife, stabbed it deep into my heart, and left it there. Watching as it weighs down my heart, slicing it deeper, and deeper. While a gruesome allegory, I believe it best describes how I feel witnessing my unfolding misery. But you know what they say, "Misery loves Company". I ran a quick google search and absorbed the information that the phrase is used to explain how those who share similar pains would try to connect to each other. My misery also wanted company. I thought perhaps meeting new people might help, so I went around snooping for some online communities where they talked about formalities and etiquette. I desperately wanted to share my desires to reborn again. But my efforts were futile. A discord bot wasted me 3 hours of troubleshooting its captcha only to find the place unwelcoming of my prescence. The bot mocks me with its corporate flourish.

Taking a step back, perhaps it is expected to take a positive twist on this. Today is the last day before... the last day of school. So maybe it is supposed to be a day where I could wind down a bit and take things slow. Maybe I've been looking at my current social life in the wrong light. Perhaps instead of looking for new, I should instead keep in touch with my old connections and check up on them. I also now know Discord has an issue with the captcha feature on mobile phones.

To add further, perhaps I should look into support groups instead of finishing schools. I feel as though I am not "emotionally stable" enough to brush up on my social grace yet. Perhaps I should connect with those with life wisdom to help me form a better version of myself. I also should check on how my "brain" is doing after ignoring it, but that's another confession I'll cough up later once it allows me to.

Anyhow, sorry for this dull and gloomy blog entry. This post is a way for me to let off some steam in a composed manner. If any of you lizards and afros know how to tackle my situation, hit me up. I'd appreciate some solace and support. I know I'm not alone, and that is what's gonna push me forward.

ps. A side tangent if I might, but I do adore discovering animal foortprints on leftover snow. Makes you wonder what journey they were taking, and where it leads them. Exciting, don't you think?

#vent #emotio- (ah right, tags don't work this way in tumblr haha.)

#vent #emotional support needed'#misery loves company #solace #emotional support #tangent #gloomy #down the weather #I just want a happy life #is that too much to ask #hopeful #i am not alone

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snow-lumi · 10 months ago

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Kinda but not really

Are you aro? But seriously: I don't distinguish between friendships and relationships anymore. Consent is more important than labels.

Probably

Kinda, but not strongly. I appreciate a very special person a whole lot tho.

I'm poly, but I have a stable sexual & romantic relationship so far.

I don't like what this traditionally means. I won't force myself to do things me and my partner don't want, but I am ready to invest a lot in someone. Consent is more important than labels.

A hot and aloof girl who says that she's dommy

Not sure yet

Not really

I wouldn't be opposed to it ig, but I don't really put much value in a legal contract. When you have real love you stay together without feeling forced to do so

I haven't ever really been betrayed imo. But I imagine I would

I used to, but being poly has made it mostly vanish

I have already described them

Not yet

Yeah

Almost, unless I'm depressive

Someone other than my df (datefriend)? Possible.

Possible

I have for 3 years. Cheating doesn't really exist in poly per se, tho I will ofc always stay with the boundaries me and my partner set.

I don't think so

Already am

I don't remember. My memory is really bad

I think so. One or both of my exes probably have

Kinda, tho they were more upset about it than I was

Nope

I'm thinking about orchiectomy, but I'm not sure yet

Yep

No, but I have had sex with a nonbinary person

Yes

Yep. All of the people I've kissed have been

Yeah. All of my romantic partners have been close friends

Yep

I don't remember

Yeah

I don't think so

Yep

Not super long ^^ but definitely depends on the situation and my partners preferences

3 years and a bit

1-2 ;) if you include nonbinary ppl then 3

At 11-12 years old - 0

A couple ^^

Hell yeah :) go get em tiger

Their emotional intelligence

I wouldn't want that. I'm not after that kind of relationship. They are free to be friends with me and see where the currents take us if they wanted tho

Not rn, tho I don't really like the way this is phrased

I've given up on being emotionally intimate with my last ex because we too often make each other's flaws worse

Not that I know of

All of the people I loved mean a lot to me

I'm not sure what qualifies

I'd rather not (dysphoria)

Nothing in particular. I'm in contact with all of them

Be kind, share your emotions, share your interests, accept me as I am, dominate me in bed

No 🌺

A couple of years? I'm bad with facts about people.

Whether I can talk openly with them (or at least that's the first thing I care about)

Treat me like a slut without free will 🌺 (with appropriately consent ofc)

Sexually stimulating someone with the intent of orgasm

I don't really have one, but I'd probably say like "crossing a partner's boundaries when it comes to interactions with other people"

My goto is kissing and caressing each other in bed. I like to use my nails as well

Explained a few questions ago

I don't really care much for dates. I just like meeting ppl and doing whatever works

Bi, but I don't like ppl who act like men. I use the word "finsexual" sometimes. Also I prefer t4t

My partners disinterest

Being touched

I don't really remembering dreams

A particular flavor of degradation

This is the section where I have to say "idk" a bunch because I have self esteem issues: idk

I like boobs and/or dick

Idk

I like the half plus seven rule. Tho when both ppl are above 21, there should be no hard boundaries. Power imbalance is a thing tho.

Secret before whom? As a horny trans person who is not out to the public, I have too much secrets and dirty to keep track of it all

When my (then gf) went on a date half a year ago

My df, earlier today

Timothy Chalamet, my crush, Zoe Bee, my df to some extent? They're not really my type, but I don't really care about it. And fifth, idk

My df

My first ex

See "give up on someone"

Already have twice. I think it's good if you use the right channels. Hetero ppl are kinda screwed with dating app options. For queer ppls: lex is good :3

vaguely nsfw asks

1. Are looks important in a relationship?

2. Are relationships ever worth it?

3. Are you a virgin?

4. Are you in a relationship?

5. Are you in love?

6. Are you single this year?

7. Can you commit to one person?

8. Describe your crush

9. Describe your perfect mate

10. Do you believe in love at first sight?

11. Do you ever want to get married?

12. Do you forgive betrayal?

13. Do you get jealous easily?

14. Do you have a crush on anyone?

15. Do you have any piercings?

16. Do you have any tattoos?

17. Do you like kissing in public?

20. Do you shower every day?

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?

26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?

28. Have you ever been cheated on?

29. Have you ever cheated on someone?

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?

31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?

33. Have you ever had sex with a man?

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?

41. Have you had sex so far this year?

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?

43. How long was your longest relationship?

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?

45. How many people did you kiss in 2012/2013?

46. How many times did you have sex last year?

47. How old are you?

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?

52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?

53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

54. Is there someone you will never forget?

55. Share a relationship story.

56. State 8 facts about your body

57. Things you want to say to an ex

58. What are five ways to win your heart?

59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)

60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?

61. What is the first thing you notice in someone?

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?

63. What is your definition of “having sex”?

64. What is your definition of cheating?

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?

66. What is your favourite roleplay?

67. What is your idea of the perfect date?

68. What is your sexual orientation?

69. What turns you off?

70. What turns you on?

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?

72. What words do you like to hear during sex?

73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?

75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?

76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?

77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?

78. What’s your dirtiest secret?

79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?

80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

81. Who are five people you find attractive?

82. Who is the last person you hugged?

83. Who was your first kiss with?

84. Why did your last relationship fail?

85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?

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coleas97 · 2 months ago

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Sunday, the 6th of October

October is about responsibility.

I have really had to take responsibility for my life recently. It is very difficult when you are in a place of feeling stuck and hopeless. I clung to each day simply stalling for what seemed to be the inevitable. I felt myself withering away emotionally, isolating myself as before and every second getting worse. I found it exhausting to stretch out my limbs in the morning and I dragged my feet when I walked. I felt so completely void of any kind of soul and what was once an empathetic heart has turned into something cracked and dull. I stopped caring about my son not having a father. That was the most terrifying part. This beautiful kid who has done absolutely nothing.. I just said, "So the fuck what?". I feel guilt for being a dad sometimes. I wonder if someone out there would be a better person for Axel, more emotionally stable and more deserving of taking care of him. I sometimes think I'm perfect for the job, but most of the time it's a pool of stress and insecurities drowning me each night when I sleep. Especially doing it alone. I have had to take responsibility for the behaviours I was latching onto that no longer have a purpose in my life. For him.

After what has now been months of convincing from my family and therapist, I finally gave in and joined the online meetings. I mostly listened.. but as the stories sounded more and more like my own I realized how in deep I was.. entangled by it all. I still struggle to identify myself as a victim. I have been talking to a gentleman who was in a similar situation, and my god what a help he's been. Everything I say is validated and understood and there is absolutely no judgement when I tell him how much I miss her and when he asks how I'm getting on the next hour, I 180 and tell him I want absolutely nothing to do with her. It's made me feel normal about having these ups and downs. I am always going to be in love with her, she was my dream girl at a point. Perhaps still is. But she has things to process and go through in order to make her a better human being and so do I. My new friend from the group has been great in allowing me to be responsible for my emotions and address them in a way that is open and does not suppress anything only for it to spew out in an unfamiliar form later. And I am over my ex, I really am. I see it for what it was. Toxic and abusive and although sickly and oddly fucking sexy, it was absolutely shredding my mental health. More importantly, whether I like it or not, it has to be fucking up my son mentally. Being so young and innocent, he cannot express himself and how he feels fully yet, but that does not mean he doesn't internalize what is happening. All of this becomes a part of his story too, I have to be mindful of that. I don't want him to have all these feelings built up within him that he is not able to name. I went through the same in my childhood, and it brought me to a dark place and a ton of drugs and self-destructive behaviours just to forget it all. I do not want that for him. Or for anyone, really. Peace of mind is truly all I want. I have simply been living day to day, being as present as I possibly can.

I am speaking to this girl I met the other week, she approached me at the supermarket while shopping with her niece and her niece interacted with Axel, which allowed us to have a friendly conversation about them, then about us. Casual things like where are you from, what do you do, so on. She asked for my telephone number and we've been speaking quite often. Nothing flirtatious, mostly she asks about Axel and tells me little details of her day. I am trying not to fall into the same trap and become so fixated on the qualities that would make her a potential romantic partner for me. She says I am mysterious as I tend not to willingly offer up facts about myself or my life, but that in itself is me being responsible. Intentionally putting up a guard so that my mind simply views her as a girl in the supermarket and not a potential girlfriend or future wife. Maybe, I do have "mommy issues" as my ex used to say. Or maybe just a strong desire to be stable with someone and be a complete family. It devastates me that I'm currently continuing the cycle of broken homes in my family. As a kid and as a teenager, I really did think I would be the one to change that. But I do give myself grace, as I am still young and things could turn around. I'm hopeful for that. As of now and the girl in the supermarket, she approached me in a friendly, platonic manner. She texts me in a platonic manner, too. So that is what it is. Really no need to think about her while we're not speaking or wonder what her intentions are. I am learning that I need to learn to "go with the flow" a tad more. I believed I was good at that until recently.

Being consistent with therapy is a massive responsibility that I've taken on. I told myself a year. Only a bit more to go and then I will decide if it is something I would like to continue or not. Working through issues and trying new things has been great, it's just that sometimes it actually comforts me to sulk in the shithole for a bit. Although, I suppose I can't do that if I am a father. I do not like to refer to being a father as a responsibility because I feel that word although can be positive in most contexts, carries some sort of implication of a burden. It's just that looking after and raising a little one and doing it well requires so much stability that I often don't think I have. I am trying my best. I suppose that is all that matters at the present time.

And the last responsibility I'll briefly mention. The non-molestation order is expires sometime in December. To extend it? To not extend it? I'm not able to wish her a Happy Birthday in November, and despite our challenges I would like family time with her, myself, and Axel. I believe that's important to have when you're a kid. But then again, the relief of not fighting and not having to stress about whether or not she is going to murder me in my sleep has made day-to-day life more comfortable. No drama, violence, etc. Although maybe she has changed for the better? Maybe 6 months is all she's needed and she's made an incredible transformation and we can be one big happy family. I do not fucking know. Sid and my stepmom are being extremely vocal about how I need to move on and leave her behind and therefore extend the order for another 6 months. But again, it may be only fair to give her a chance to prove herself. Especially for Axel. Not sure. Not sure about anything, really.

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kyrodo · 4 months ago

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Shine is a bit more distant now that he and snowy started hanging out more. Which if they have a thing I wouldn't stand in the way of that. There's a lot less tension now that we've shared our heartfelt traumas. Which we both enjoyed, but yeah. I haven't pried and I won't. Shine still sees us after, if only to nuzzle me for a while before getting off to either sleep or do something off vr. But the focus has shifted a bit, which is fine by me.

I did easily find someone as affectionate a cat as him last night too xD I don't know if I've heard the last from them yet or not but same sounds different personalities. It does validate how cute my avvie is now. It is eye catching to say the least. I feel Spyrour is the only other mayu who competes with it depending on who you ask, but my lack of full body means I can't get good pictures of mine. I've got my own kind of charm though, a balanced one between cute and cool. I'm proud of it.

As far as the skadoodle thing goes, I'll have to ask about it tomorrow, the job offer. See if there's anything else I need to submit and such.

I got in touch with wolfangcerberus off vr too, to help out with their avatar the same way Okami_yuki used to do for people. I know things. I'm slowly becoming an expert at it.

I built a whole social realm for myself in vrchat. I know people here and there, people meet each other through me. It is so cool and so bliss inducing knowing that I got this far. I can't overstate how big my social bubble got because of vrchat in ways I was never going to get through Twitter. The friendships are more meaningful, the words mean a lot more too.

And perhaps the biggest thing is what I get associated with. My enemies, in part due to how I presented myself, associates me with anger, with fire, with any negative or embarassing thing they feel like whether it makes sense or not, and with philias I failed to keep to myself. Nowadays, I'm associated with words like cozy, warm, comfortable, sociable, outgoing, smart, and cute. So when I tell anyone about how I used to be like in accurate detail, they support me. Granted my only real second opinions back then were all on the side making fun of me and being hostile towards me, but there is a massive disparity in what they say and the people who actually know me say. There is a difference between being told about and actually being there to witness what I was like firsthand I know, but given how overwhelmingly different I am now compared to back then, given how emotionally stable I am now overall, it is difficult to really make fair comparisons with my past self. I have grown into a very comfortable person to be around. And I'm just going to keep reinforcing that to the end of my days. Because that is exactly what tears your legacy in half. So dare I ask, how am I doing now?

I'm okay with letting things be swept under the rug and all, but now that you're not a complete dimwit about what was actually happening with me, want to have another go at the "skeletons in my closet"? Some of the most projected bullshit ever. One can be so forward about whatever dirt there is about themselves, but you're just like "nah, there's gotta be more to it than that". I can't help but notice the only time I'm a villain is when you're using wordplay to pretend people are things they are not. You ever kick that habit yet?

I can't be the only person explaining my story to people with their reaction being somewhere along the lines of "what kind of asshole would mean to you?" Oh but I forgot, in your eyes the only time people think that is when I'm pretending to be good. Your chapter lasted 4 months out of what used to be my 29 years of life. There are people that knew me before you did. None of them are acting like you. It is painfully clear when you started to see everything in HD, that you didn't know shit about me, even as I was describing myself word for word. I ask again, where the fuck are my skeletons.

People just say things when they don't like someone, imply negative descriptions of them whether they are right or not, people find a way to hate someone when they already hate them. And they find ways to trigger them by being purposefully inaccurate. And this is what it causes. Survivors of abuse. I've spoken about your crimes at length for a good long while, but I often get curious what stupid shit you had to say about me, and how much of it you made up waiting for me to come crawling back to correct you so you'd know I was watching again. So you could abuse me all over again. I sure spoke a lot of shit about you, but how much of it isn't true? See, I don't do what you do. I get confused about your intents sometimes, I always have been because your version of subtweeting is significantly harder to follow, but you do things so over the top stupid, that I can't fucking keep up. The stupidest thing I did at least was leave easter egg subtexts everywhere because I knew I was being shadowed. And when you really think about it it doesn't seem so stupid anymore does it?

I lead you to it at first. I chose all the wrong ways for you to get to know me, in part due to my addiction to ranting, and in part because the right channels were not made readily available to me. Not without being lied to or told off abruptly, all the while also getting mixed messages because you seemed to want me around. So I had a hard time figuring you out, if you liked or hated me, or why we couldn't just blurt things out and talk clearly. So I was always worried if I was doing something wrong or if I was being tested. I was always hyper aware of every tiny factor that was keeping us from coexisting without conflict. So that lead a lot of my rambling, trying to intercept whatever gripes you have about me while also trying to figure out what to do with my feelings at all considering where I was. Should I already be moving on, should I be clinging to the one thing that was keeping me out of the water. I kept trying to trivialize things so I could jump ship when the subject of red pops up. And I was failing at it, cause I had nowhere to go back to. I left my "home", I left ca and I was burning all my bridges with it. And I needed something to replace the void it left behind. And because of the feelings I was quite selective about how. About where I would run to and move on.

I hated having all my buttons pressed, all my doubts reinforced, all my fears dug into with interest while you kept playing me for a dool and expecting me to be intuitive enough to see passed all the smoke screen you kept giving off. And not once did you lift a finger to help me through it. I don't know what I missed out on, but vrchat, the world I'm in today would not be possible even if we managed to get through it.

I had a talent for hitting all the wrong subjects and saying all the wrong words myself as I was playing around with how impossible it is for us to be together. As if satiring it made things feel any better but clearly it only made things worse. Being likeable was not my priority, but I tried to be both likeable and unlikeable. Because I didn't know what to do. I always played with you expecting to be written off but never being ready for it. Stuck between figuring out if I could keep you or if I had to see myself out. It was never clear what you wanted, and I couldn't be clear what I wanted either, not when I didn't even know if it was possible at all.

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ineffectualdemon · 7 months ago

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This is a good question

And I mean that genuinely

Because I was only able to do most of the necessary change like this because I was finally in an environment that wasn't toxic and was actually supportive

Now with hitting my friends when I was a teenager I trained myself out of it by paying my friends. If I hit them I owed them money. And since I didn't have a lot of money I quickly motivated myself not to hit them

But I was still sometimes violent and full of rage and my words could hurt just as much

I was not a good friend when I was young

My home life was not good and I learned bad bad ways to deal with conflict

My husband however actually came from a healthy well adjusted family. They all like each other! There is no trauma! And when my crazy ass rolled in I suddenly had a new framework and example to work off of.

It actually made my mental health worse at first because I knew my old ways of coping g with things weren't appropriate anymore but I didn't know how to cope in a stable environment

So take my advice should be taken with a handful of salt because my experience was finding people who made compromises with me. Who were willing to, and even wanted to, find a middle ground first

But what I would advice is:

1. Accept any change is going to be slow. That's okay. It's not a race and there are a lot of tools you can use. My husband and I used a safeword system so I could tap out of disagreements and conversations when I knew I was nearing the flashpoint where I would stop being reasonable and start being cruel.

It also helped to diffuse tension because yelling "BANANA!" in the middle of an argument is silly

But it took years for me not need the safeword

2. Accept you can't change some things about you and that some people will be okay with it and others won't.

I will still get irrationally angry about things. I try to channel it a way from those around me but I still get waspish and have to isolate to emotionally regulate. And my husband and child give me that space and time. I can change how often this happens and to an extent how I react but I am still sometimes going to be a bit of a bitch. Not nearly as bad as I used to be but I'm still unpleasant at times. I have a lot of anger in me still and its always going to leak out a little.

I also will sob when my husband expresses his rightful frustration with me and I have to tell him to ignore the crying and that he's allowed to be annoyed and then we have to wait until it passes and I have to prompt him to keep talking

And thats just some of my more annoying and difficult issues. And a lot of people don't like me. I have friends and loved ones who do but I am loud and weird and uncomfortable to be around and a lot of people find me off-putting which means:

3. Accept some people shouldn't be in your life and you shouldn't be in theirs

This is sometimes painful to accept but sometimes your better off with people at a distance then you are up close. I don't think that's always someone's fault either.

It still hurts sometimes though

4. Try to find people who will adapt to you as much as you do them. It won't necessarily be smooth, it won't be fast, and could be a difficult process but if you are both trying to meet each other it is better

Lastly,

5. Try to find good examples of healthy communication and boundary setting to emulate

It's really hard to change when you have only been shown how to hurt others to protect yourself. Good examples of healthy communication and relationships and setting boundaries, fictional or real, really does make a difference

But the most important thing is you have to want to change

The changes I made was not someone else saying "you have to change"

I didn't want to repeat behaviours that had been used to hurt me

I didn't want to become what I feared

And I am far from perfect and it took so much time and effort. But I genuinely think I'm better than my parents were at my age so I think it was worth it

I wish you the best of luck

Since the OP made their post unrebloggable (and blocked me. Both actions they are well in with their right to do)

I’m going to make my response it’s own post because I think the point is important

As someone who is autistic and has BPD and CPTSD and loads of trauma yes you sometimes need to change how you interact with others to keep people around

When I was 13 I hit the few friends I had when I was angry

I had to change that in order to keep those friendships

When I was in my early 20s if I was losing an disagreement with my husband I would threaten to kill myself. My husband told me it hurt him and was cruel and manipulative behaviour, because it was.

So I worked hard to change that to keep my relationship

It’s easy to say “I shouldn’t have to change for others” and that’s true to an extent. You shouldn’t change your interests or passions or dim your light. And you should have space to be imperfect and flawed and not have to pretend your ugly bits aren’t real. But if something you are doing it causing other people harm you kinda need to change that.

That’s called “living in a society”

People adapt to each other and make space for each other in their lives. You adapt to them and they adapt to you

You start being more diligent about throwing away the empty toilet roll because it really bothers them. They start warning you before they run the blender because you hate loud noises

I stopped threatening to kill myself because I was mad I was losing an argument and my husband stopped being so vocally judgemental amount media he personally dislikes

There is a certain type of person who heard the phrase “your emotions are valid” and took that to mean “my emotional reactions and my behaviour are always objectively correct because my emotions are valid and if you have an emotional response or react to what I’m doing negatively then you are wrong and you can’t be hurt because my emotions are valid”

And that’s a recipe for disaster

Your emotions are valid to feel. They are how you feel and there are reasons you feel the way you do

However, your reactions and behaviour are something you can learn to control and can be irrational

We live in a society and we as people change each other as we interact and that isn’t necessarily a bad thing

#mental health

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chili-mango · 7 months ago

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Highly dislike how wistful, nostalgic, and yearning I'm being for our relationship lately. Because it DIDN'T WORK. In fact, it didn't work TWICE.

I miss having someone I can cuddle. I miss having a confidante, and someone I can come home to. I miss having someone who thinks I'm special and loves me and makes me laugh and who thinks I am beautiful and worthy and valuable.

But GOD DAMN do I not miss being bombarded by text messages telling me about how you don't see a reason this life is worth living while I'm at work. GOD DAMN do I not miss the anxiety I'd start to get when it was time to head home, not sure what sort of mood you were going to be in and whether or not I'd have to deal with your rancid, self-hating vibes all night. GOD DAMN do I not miss having to either choose between investing my emotional energy into reassuring you I did, in fact, love you and think you were a wonderful, worthy person, or choose to emotionally shut you out in order to protect my mental and emotional peace. Because it was a lose-lose scenario; if I spent the energy reassuring you & doting on you, any boost I was able to give you would be gone the next morning. If I shut you out, you'd cry and feel worse and accuse me of not loving you or thinking you were valuable or "good enough."

There was NO WINNING. You didn't love yourself, you didn't like yourself, you didn't think you had value, so you would never remain believing I loved you and could see your value.

And GOD DAMN do I not miss how that ate away at me and made ME feel like I had no value--- especially not as anything besides a sugar mommy or a caregiver. Especially when I would go to you over and over again and say "I need you to get a more stable job, I need you to work on your mental health; I can't carry us financially, I can't carry us emotionally."

And then when speaking generally about how I was feeling and what was putting stress on me didn't work, I started LITERALLY WRITING US CONTRACTS, hoping that specificity would give you the tools you needed to help me get my BARE MINIMUM NEEDS MET. But it didn't.

You couldn't meet those bare minimum requirements (no, that's not a value judgement, please stop making everything about how terrible and useless you are, you still have value, can we not derail to your issues when I'm trying to ask you to address mine?) And when I showed you that you weren't filling my needs, you explained that it wasn't your fault. You explained that there were outside circumstances. You explained that 2 out of 3 bare-minimum needs being met wasn't bad. You explained that you were improving and you just needed more time til you could be a partner that I could rely on to make me feel safe, respected, & prioritized.

I know you didn’t want to hurt me. Genuinely I do. But GOD DAMN do I not miss how much I abandoned myself to try and help you, believing that if I just loved you hard enough and delayed my own gratification, because you were so wonderful, so valuable, it would be worth it when you could finally be the partner I believed you could be.

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onrainynights · 11 months ago

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journal entry. June 26th 2023. this is what I'm glad to leave behind this year. (cw self harm and suicidal ideation)

I've been having a hard time over the past few weeks. despite having down time on the weekends, I find myself feeling similarly to back in middle and high school—dreading the next morning, pretending it's not going to happen, etc. On Friday I had a really bad meltdown at work and hurt myself. it was really dark. I thought I broke my hand. I found myself in a state of thinking the pain was good, that I needed it to stay composed, and would hit my hand hard again whenever I felt the pain—and my composure—fading. at one point I thought that if I'd had a knife, I would've stabbed myself with it.

mom didn't seem to care. she blamed me for it. it just made me feel worse. I needed this weekend to emotionally reset, and physically heal a bit, but now I just feel raw and horrible and like I'm back in 8th grade. a month ago I almost looked forward to work each day. now it's a nightmare. nobody prepared me for what it would become and now they're blaming me for being blindsided by it. part of me wants to just keep going out of spite, but another part doesn't know how I'm gonna eat lunch at his house every day and pretend like nothing is wrong. I think I'll take my lunch in the shop, at least for a little while. I don't think it's wise for me to force myself into social situations if it's not necessary. I'll need the time away from people to calm down.

I finally see the appeal of self-harm. it scares the shit out of me but it also made me feel so much better. the physical pain was like an emotional painkiller. not sure how that works, but it did.

I'm not sure if I'll be able to listen to music and podcasts tomorrow like nothing is wrong. what if roger wants to train me tomorrow. fuck. I don't wanna talk to him. I think I'd stutter if I tried.

I wish people didn't have to know me. I wanna be a stranger to everyone, always. I never wanna meet new people ever again. god. I was happy. I was so happy but it never lasts and now I'm worse than I've been in a while. I hate when I get back to this place. I wish people understood me. I wish I had something concrete I could point to as a reason why. but I don't. wish I could just break both my legs and be bedridden for months. I need therapy. but I don't have health insurance and I definitely can't afford to pay for therapy out of pocket. let alone actually get to appointments. teletherapy is still a hard no. can't risk anyone overhearing. I'd talk about her eventually and someone would hear and my life would blow up and that's the worst-case scenario. worse than a brain tumor and 6 months to live.

at least it'll be over soon. the work stress I mean. at soonest, early August will calm things down. at the latest, the job ends in October or November. at least come 2024 I'll know I'm never coming back to this hellhole. I'd rather go back to retail for less pay than have a repeat of the last week. and I don't know if worse is yet to come

maybe I'm being a bit superstitious but I don't think I'll ever say "I will" again when someone tells me to have a good day. it just seemed to backfire.

can't end the day disappointed if you don't start it with expectations of anything

The day is the day, can't be bad or good or nothing. It just is.

I wanna sleep for a year. I wanna not die but not live through what's coming for me. I feel like I did so long ago and I hate it. I hate this. Someone give me some god damn antidepressants or something. Everyone in this fucking family is medicated and therapized except for me, why am I the exception? why do I have to fend for myself when nobody ever taught me how? I think id be more stable if I was homeless. at least then I'd know never to expect anything good

And there it is again, the urge to run away. seems like the happy medium until I remember my family would worry and I'd have to get rid of my phone, and I'd have shit food, and who would take care of Henry if I was gone? nobody. and I couldn't take him with me.

I'd miss him and Bella to much

They're the reasons why I haven't done it yet

I think I'd have killed myself if not for that cat or that girl. he'd die without me, and my heart breaks at the thought of never seeing her grow up, of her never really knowing me. wouldn't even have a memory.

but how am I supposed to endure this? just the thought of going back makes me want to destroy myself. makes me want to be invisible again. I was invisible once. nobody knew or cared who I was or what I thought or what I could do. I was one of hundreds, unimportant, like a little ant in a whole colony. and here I am now just holding on to these routines I've built myself, tracks for my trolley to run on, grooves carved carefully and deliberately over time until they're so deep I can't climb out of them unless pulled out by something external—and when a vulture grips my shoulders and tumbles me out I can do nothing but watch and lash out but there's no one to hurt but myself, the vulture is gone, and I am broken by my own hand. I look ahead to my grooves and they've been destroyed, washed away by my tears, and I am starting over because I have no other choice. but my grooves are gone and so I don't know where to go or what to do. how did I make those grooves in the first place? what did I use? I used this shovel, I think, but I can't find it now. the vulture took it. I am back on flat ground where I began and I am lost. the vulture wants me to follow him, to fly, but I can't make new grooves in the sky. I need grooves. I need grooves. trolleys aren't supposed to fly. they'd crash and break and take people down with them. I'm not afraid. I just know better. I walk in a direction, I don't think it's the same one as before. I don't recognize that tree. but I keep walking until I'm back where I started. and then I keep going, tracing over my own footprints. and again. and again. and again and again and again again again again again and I walk in the grooves and I push my trolley with everything I need and everyone I love and it's ok, finally okay.

and then I remember the vulture.

#tw self harm #tw suicide #for context I wrote this after the worst public meltdown I've ever had. it resulted from my boss criticizing my work routine which #he previously allowed me to develop and had no complaints about. he forced me to completely abandon my routine #and I had to create a new one completely from scratch during the busiest month of the season #I did end up staying out of spite #but this specific experience was horrible and made me feel some pretty nasty things #ok to rb if u want lol

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