#do you think Heart split from Whole with the pain of rejection

[l-inator]

Heartbreaks and headaches

[my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction]

Cariño [Part 7]

Jake Lockley x f!Reader • Rating: 18+ pals Masterlist�� ao3• want to be tagged? | request info • buy me a coffee? •

Series Masterlist

Summary: The story comes to an end.

A/N: I know, it's been centuries, chapter 6 was posted in June 2023 (the shame), but here is the ending. Finally. Honestly, I'm not very happy with this story as a whole, but now it's done.

Warnings: kissing, p in v sex, cream pie, oral (both receiving), reader can't speak Spanish, not beta read, please let me know if I have missed a warning!

Word Count: 3239

You had gone to Jake’s room early the next morning and knocked. No answer. 

You’d tried calling his phone, the one that worked yesterday. His number was out of service.

After speaking to the front desk, you found out he had checked out the night before, barely two hours after you had last seen him. 

A little after 8am you received the rest of the money into your bank account, payment for the job. 

It was fine. Really. 

He is an adult. He could do what he wanted. He didn’t owe you anything. 

But it hurt. A lot. 

You pushed the feelings down deep until you could almost walk on them. There was no need to dwell on this, dwell on him. But your thoughts kept migrating back, like a compass needle swinging north no matter how hard you shook it. 

You got ready and boarded your flight, not home, but to another job. Procuring and authenticating a Ruben, the honest, legal work you had pushed back a little so that you could get Jake his ankh. 

It was simple enough, practically a done deal and you were home and paid within two days. 

You heard through one of your contacts that the day after his party Edward Malay’s mansion had caught fire. He had seemingly died in the blaze. 

All you could think of was the look he had given you when Jack’s hand was on your waist. 

You let the rest of the following week slide by without any work, your heart just wasn’t in it. But by the Wednesday Detective Eric Peterson, the officer who worked for the police art and antiques unit, had called you asking for your help and promising you weren’t going to get hit in the face again this time. 

You took the job and got on with your life. There wasn’t much else to do. 

.

It was evening on a Friday night, and after trying to stop yourself from nodding off in front of the television you finally admitted defeat. Switched it off and got up to go to bed. 

There was a knock at the door. Ordinary and repetitive. 

You frowned. Waited a moment before moving closer to the door, keeping your footsteps light. 

Ever so carefully you checked the peephole and saw…

Jake. 

It was like a pin had been pushed through your chest, a sharp and small and perfect pain. 

Jake.

He hadn’t knocked like he usually did, forgone that familiar, distinctive sound.

You swallowed and opened the door. There was a split second when his gaze fell on you, the tiniest moment where he seemed to disappear and be replaced by someone else.

“Jak-”

 He surged forward before you had even fully opened the door, his hands cupping your cheeks and his lips meeting yours. 

The force of his actions made you step back as he stepped forward, moving with you so that the kiss remained unbroken. 

You froze, surprised and questioning whether you had actually fallen asleep on the settee and this was all about to become some half remembered dream. 

He pulled back, crestfallen, mistaking your shock for rejection. 

“I’m-”

You didn’t let him finish his sentence. 

You moved forward, grabbing hold of his jacket and pulling his mouth back to yours.

He let out the sweetest little moan as he kissed you back, wrapping his arms around you as his tongue slid into your mouth. He nudged the front door shut with his foot before he walked you backwards and further into the room. 

For a moment he pulled back, breathing hard, his hands still on your face. “Cariño,” he stroked his thumbs over your cheeks, seemingly searching your eyes for something and kissing you again deeply when he found it. 

You wrapped your arms around his shoulders and the back of his neck, running your fingers through the hair that wasn’t covered by his cap at the nape. 

Slowly he continued to urge you back until your legs nudged against the armrest of the settee. You let out a small moan as his tongue danced over yours and pushed you back into the sofa, his right hand coming around to press flat on your back and keep your descent slow and controlled. 

You pulled off his hat and pushed his coat from his shoulders, urging it down his arms as he shimmied it the rest of the way down and climbed on top of you. 

He slid his right hand down your side, your outer thigh, before hooking his fingers under the back of your knee and pulling your leg over his hip. He pressed in close, lightly grinding against you for a second until you pressed at his lower back with your calf and pushed him fully down. 

The fiction sparked pleasure along your veins, burning into your skin as you clawed at his shirt trying to pull him impossibly closer. 

“I’m sorry,” he managed to mutter between kisses. “I shouldn’t have just taken off.”

You kiss him back fiercely, “You don’t owe me anything-”

“I do cariño, I do.” He kisses down your jaw, nipping lightly at your skin until you yelp. You can feel his smile as he presses his lips to your skin to ease the burn. 

“Jake,” You pull him back slightly, tugging lightly at his hair so that you can see his face. You’re not sure why you’re doing this, why you need to have this conversation now of all times. But emotion twists in your gut and won’t let you let this slide. 

His eyebrows pinch together slightly as he moves back, his eyes soft and hesitant. Expecting more rejection. 

You can’t help but stroke his cheek, the beginnings of stubble brush along your fingertips. “Jake,” you repeat and he closes his eyes briefly at the softness in your voice. “You don’t owe me anything, you can do-”

“I owe you an explanation.” He stares at you so sincerely it’s like his gaze is piercing into your soul. “I owe you-”

“Ja-”

“I wanted to kiss you again… back at the hotel. I wanted to…” He moves a fraction closer, his right hand sliding down to your waist as he presses his hips more fully against yours and rocking ever so slightly. 

You bite back the little gasp that wants to escape your lips. 

“I wanted to…” he swallows, his line of sight fixated on your lips as his tongue runs along his own, “make love to you.”

Your heart beats so rapidly that it echoes in your neck. 

“But instead I,” he shakes his head, crunching up his face as he internally chastises himself. “I fucked up, I-”

You silence him with your mouth on his, unable to hold yourself back any longer. 

He moans wantonly against your lips, eagerly accepting your tongue when you lick into his mouth. His hands are cool from the outside air, but it’s a balm to your feverish skin as he slides the tip of his fingers under your top and skims along your hips. 

Jake rocks against you feverishly, groaning happily when you wrap your legs around his waist fully. His erection pressed against you, the zipper of his jeans brushing perfectly along your core. The sensation spikes along your nerves and makes you squeeze his arms in a desperate attempt to pull him closer. 

He mouths at your neck, sucking and licking, paying particular attention to every sigh and hitch of your breath. 

“I have… so much,” he swallows, his voice muffled by your skin. Not able to pull himself away for even a second to speak clearly. “I need to tell you,” he pauses, biting his lip. “There are things that you should kno-”

You take his face in your hands and kiss him again, soft and sweet even though his lips are hot and wet. “Later.”

“Cari-”

“I mean this in the nicest way Lockley, but if you don’t sit back,” you move as you speak, unhooking your legs from his waist and urging him into a sitting position on the sofa, “and let me do what I want, then I’m never going to forgive you.” 

He keeps his hands on you as you gently manhandle him. A soft expression all over his face, as if his heart had cracked under the strain of carrying his emotions for far too long. And now the joy in his chest had no choice but to seep into his skin. 

“What do you want to do?” His voice is quiet, reverent almost. And, in that moment you’re sure he would fall on a sword if you uttered the words. 

You shift back, off the sofa and onto your knees between his legs, your hands on either side of his thighs to push them a little wider. 

The heavy bulge of his erection strains against the denim, practically seconds away from popping the neatly stitched seams. His cock twitches under your gaze and Jake lets out a soft groan as you squeeze his thighs, scrapping your nails along his inseam. 

“I want you to…” You slide your palms higher until your eager fingers can reach his belt. You flick open the buckle, pulling the leather free before you undo his trouser button and start to pull down his fly.

“You don't have to.” He whispers. His eyes glued to your face, his hands balled up by his sides and pressing into the sofa, barely resisting the urge to grab the back of your neck and pull you close so he could rut against the heat of your mouth.

“I want to.” You hold his gaze, slowly tugging the zipper down. 

Jake breathes hard, the air catching in his throat as his cock throbs. It's painful how much he aches, straining against the tough, unyielding fabric. 

He gasps when your fingers touch the skin just about his waistband and eagerly raises his hips to help you pull his clothing down to his ankles. His cock bobs free with a dull slap against his stomach and when you finally take him gently in your hand and kiss the very tip, he nearly comes on the spot. 

You press the palm of your free hand firmly against his inner thigh, a gentle reminder to keep him vaguely still and his legs parted. His muscles tense and twitch, flexing under your fingers.

His voice is weak when he mutters your name, soft and strained. You flick your tongue over his head, swirling twice before pulling back a fraction and look up at him. 

The warm artificial light makes his skin glow, the shadows on the sofa perfectly outlining his form, like a work of art you’d been tasked to assess. 

“Please,” his breathing is controlled even as his chest rises and falls. 

You wait until he starts to continue, to finish his thought, it’s only fair really due to the amount of times he’s teased you in the past with trivial things, before you take the tip into your mouth. 

Jake swears under his breath, his eyes screwing up as he fights the urge to buck and you bob your head slowly before you sink deeper. 

“Fuck,” He hisses, his eyes glazed. 

You hum softly as you suck and lick, relaxing your jaw as best you can to take as much of him as possible. His little pants and gasps for air make you lightheaded, your blood singing as he twitches on your tongue. 

You slide your hand from his thigh, up his leg to lightly roll his heavy balls in your palm. 

“Shit, cariño, I…” He moans, his stomach muscles clenching as he flinches forward. Pleasure sparking up his spine and twisting along his nerves. His orgasm so close it’s almost blinding. 

He wants to press close, to let you play him to your own heart's desire and come down your pretty throat with a scream. 

But he won’t. Yet. 

Jake finds the strength to take hold of your shoulders, “Stop, please.”

You do instantly and he sighs, eagerly leaning forward and kissing you fiercely. Licking into your mouth and groaning when you sink your fingers into his hair. 

He gently guides you into his lap as he hurriedly helps you pull off your clothes and the rest of his. 

“So pretty,” he groans as he mouths at your breasts, suckling lightly as he slides his left hand down your side and presses at your core. 

You shiver involuntarily under his touch, swallowing down a moan as he softly circles your clit with his calloused fingers. You squeeze his shoulders, your hips bucking automatically at the slow drag. 

He hums low in his throat, watching you with dark eyes. Languidly he runs his middle and forefinger over your folds, barely there pressure. “Can I?” He mutters as he rubs at your clit again, hardly even taking the edge of the ache. 

You nod rapidly, “Jake, please, I want you to-” You moan loudly as he presses inside. 

He swears at the wetness that greets him, quickly curling his fingers and stroking as he presses against your bundle of nerves with his thumb. Your fingers dig into his shoulders as he moves, keeping time with the rocking of your hips. 

“That’s in cariño,” he whispers, his voice thick, “take everything you want.” 

You almost don’t recognise the whine that leaves your lips as your own. Pleasure twists and pulses in your stomach, claws at your skin as your thighs burn and shake. 

He litters your chest with wet, desperate kisses, his stubble scraping deliciously over your skin. Somehow he manages to swallow a groan as you tense, his cock twitches, smearing salvia and precome against his stomach. 

“Jake,” you gasp, the weight in your stomach dropping as he strokes and pulls the pleasure from your bones. 

“I’m here, I’m here,” he whines, his voice nearly as desperate as your own. “Please, please,” his throat is dry as he mindlessly begs, transfixed on the look and feel of you. 

You come all at once, your orgasm piercing through your muscles and running like a current through your nerves. Jake guides you through it, holding you close and muttering sweet words and you shake and shatter in his arms. 

He slowly pulls out of you as you weaken, kissing your temple and stroking your back. You press your face into his neck, breathing hard. Your skin is hot but his touch is soothing. 

“I’m sorry I wouldn’t tell you what cariño means,” he whispers, there’s a weight in his chest, a tightness he needs to shift that’s fracturing. “It-”

“I know what it means,” you smile and pull back so that you can look at his face. “I just kept asking to see when you would tell me.” 

He laughs softly, shaking his head. “You’re cruel to me cariño.” He teases, his eyes bright. “Too cruel.” 

You grin before you kiss him deeply, wet and warm as your tongue slides over his. He shivers delightfully as you just scrape your nails over his scalp, lost in your touch. 

His cock presses hot and heavy between your bodies, desperate for any kind of friction and when you angle your hips away from his slightly Jake just thinks you mean to tease him all the more. 

He certainly doesn’t expect you to raise up on your knees while you kiss him feverishly, nor did he predict how you guide him to your centre and just sink down. 

He moans, his forehead pinched together in ecstasy as you envelop him, so soft and warm and he nearly chokes, stammering out swears and please as you squeeze.

“Cariño,” his hands fly to your hips, tensing and desperate as you finally take all of him. 

You rock slowly, moving in a long figure of eight as your body adjusts to his size. The thickness stretching you wonderfully. 

Jake gasps, his fingers digging in as he holds on for dear life. Bliss buzzes along his skin, settles at the base of his spine with a dizzying speed. “I’m,” he swallows, his breath hitches as you move a fraction faster. His cock pulses as it rubs within you, pleasure building and building and building. “I’m so sorry, I can’t, I’m gonna…”

You don’t let up your movements as you lean forward, ghosting your lips over his. “Please,” you dart out your tongue, running lightly over his bottom lip. “I want you to.”  

Jake groans loudly, gasping for air as he pulls you as close as physically possible. His hips thrust up as he comes hard, the sensation whiting out his vision as he calls out your name in prayer. 

‘Thank yous’ fall his hushed whispers from his mouth as he shakes and recovers, his heart racing in his chest. You can’t help but watch him, transfixed in how his face pinches and glows in pleasure.

You’re smiling at him when he opens his eyes, and you brush some of his loose curls from in front of his face as he gazes at you. 

“You okay?” You giggle, joy rising up in your chest at the love sick look he gives you. 

“More than,” he kisses you softly, his strong arms hugging you close. “More than more than.” 

Without warning he twists, moving you onto your back flat against the sofa while staying deep inside of you. You let out a little yelp of surprise that turns into more laughter. 

“I love that sound,” Jake kisses your nose, grinning. “I think it is my second favourite.”

“Second favourite?” 

He nods, “This is the first.” He moves quickly, pulling his softening cock from your pussy only to quickly dip down, kissing your stomach once before he presses the flat of his tongue in one long, slow lick through your folds. He groans as your combined fluids fill his mouth, and your cry of pleasure sounds in his ears. 

He swirls his tongue over your click one way and then the other before he gently presses two fingers on either side of your entrance and stretches slightly, opening you wider. “Fuck, such a mess here.” He groans, biting his lip at how your muscles flutter under his hold before he gets back to the task at hand. 

“Jake,” you gasp as his warm tongue runs over you again, the tip just dipping inside as he flicks up, trying to gather as much of your combined release as possible before he swallows. 

You wriggle under the onslaught, your back arching off the cushions as he works on you, quickly hurtling you towards another orgasm. 

He groans as you writhe, using his hands to pull your legs over his shoulders without breaking his rhythm. He flicks his tongue, alternating between sucking and licking until you’re sobbing and soaking a wet patch into the sofa. 

His fingers knead your thighs and ass cheeks, coaxing you to buck and grind exactly how your desperate body is begging you to. 

Your orgasm takes you by surprise. One second you’re moaning and thrusting up into the wet heat of his mouth, the next you're practically paralysed as pleasure washes over your mind, body and soul. 

Jake groans as you come, not letting up on his onslaught until you're panting heavily and limp. As he sits up you can feel his cock against the back of your thigh, hard and ready once more. 

He grins devilishly, “Can I fuck you again cariño?” 

Thank you for reading!

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[rageclownz]

So this is just an amalgamation of thoughts I had in the Camp Here and There server, but I believe that Elijah Volkov has Borderline Personality Disorder.

This post is not meant to demonize BPD, I understand how stigmatized it is and have it myself. But I do think Elijah fits the criteria. We obviously don’t get to hear his inner thoughts, but his actions point to someone whose identity revolves around one person. Someone who can’t deal with abandonment, who has impulsive and self-destructive behavior, someone with extreme mood swings, anger, detachment from reality, etc.

Elijah and Sydney’s relationship is clearly unhealthy. Elijah is obsessed with Sydney to a harmful extent, and his treatment of him is awful. But Sydney is his favorite person. Take the lyrics to Your Body, my Temple;

You've got my whole world in your hands, got that little blue spot / And you really ain't got no idea how much this thing orbits you / Now, do you honey?

Sydney is Elijah’s entire world. He can’t live without him. He truly does love Sydney (though this love is toxic and his actions abusive). I mean, Elijah quite literally worships him. That’s undeniable. He puts him on a pedestal, and when Sydney rejects him, he wishes death upon him:

[He begins speaking extremely frantically, hyperventilating, all frenzy, his accent on full display] YOU — THE — YOU — I’LL KILL YOU — WHY AREN’T YOU DEAD!? MY MUSE — WHY AREN’T YOU DEAD!? MY MUSE — MY HEART! MY HEART! MY HEART — IT’S SCREAMING — SCREAMING — SCREAMING — MY HEART —

This is absolutely Elijah splitting on Sydney. Abandonment is one of the number one triggers for BPD episodes, and here we have a perfect example of that.

In his first episode (22), Elijah displays mood swings and anger outbursts. He slams his fists on the table, shouts, and gets upset whenever Sydney mentions Jedidiah, who he perceives as a threat to their relationship (and his plans in general). He has an inability to control his emotions, which is what drives his actions.

Another symptom of BPD that Elijah shows is self-harming behavior. He has little regard for his health or safety. In episode 33, he continues to read from the journals even though they physically pain him and sap his energy, and he does this for Sydney. He also risks his life on the pyre of his muse.

Elijah and Sydney even have parallels, with Elijah wanting to kill or die for the object of his affection, and Sydney wanting to be killed by someone or something that loves him. Sydney canonically has BPD, so I think they contrast each other very well, and even share presentations in some regards.

Elijah seems to show some detachment from reality, though it’s hard to tell with how strange the world of CHNT is. He is convinced that burning Sydney on a pyre will immortalize him. Is this true? Maybe. We just don’t know. But nobody else seems to think it’ll work, so I use it as an example of his eccentric beliefs.

The most debilitating symptom of Elijah’s BPD is his unstable and obsessive relationship with Sydney. There is something about having a favorite person that can make you want them dead. In anger, when you’re splitting on them, but sometimes in love. Sometimes you want to kill them while your relationship is at its best, just to preserve their memory, because then they can’t leave you. Because you want to keep your memories of them positive and you don’t want them to be tainted by a bad ending.

I believe Elijah thinks that way. He doesn’t want Sydney dead (not exactly), but he wants him to ascend. And isn’t that so similar?

[snzcaretaker]

❆ 𝕋𝕙𝕖𝕤𝕖 𝔻𝕒𝕞𝕟 𝕐𝕒𝕝𝕖 𝔹𝕠𝕪𝕤 ❆

Reader insert. Reader is in the caretaking role, gender neutral. Sickie is male. Image Sources: Napkins | Glass

CW: Mess, and also cocaine use. This is a dark one, crosses into whump territory. Proceed with caution. Here is a link to SAMHSA, the US substance abuse hotline and resources.

He's a strung out business type in a fancy suit, hair slicked back, viciously charming. You're eyeing him across the glass table of the VIP booth at the back of a club. He's tapping out his neat little lines with a credit card, probably wants to impress you. Besides that, he needs the energy. He looks exhausted, and his $5k watch reads 3:30 AM. You don't really know what to say, but your heart rate spikes. He's in no condition to be doing this. "Stop. Wait - "

He doesn't, obviously. Just smiles in the most punchable way, like he enjoys being a bad boy in front of innocent do-gooders. But it's not that you're a do-gooder, it's that you're scared for him. He sniffs deeply while he rolls up a banknote, preparing his airways for the powder. It doesn't sound great. He's too tired, and congested, maybe even sick. You try again, you say you'll buy him another drink instead, that he should maybe just think about it for a minute, that this is not your idea of "cool." You dance on the edge of pissing him off, but he just ignores you and gives you another insufferable grin, daring you to try to physically stop him. Which you won't, of course - he's a grown man. But still.. "Please," you say.

No luck. He puts the roll to the table, lines up his nostril, and snorts. You can see the whole thing happening in a kind of slow motion, the way his nostril flares all the way up to the bridge of his nose. And then the way his whole face starts to quiver, a vein pulsing in his forehead, his cheeks suddenly flushing and eyes snapping closed. He fights it for a half a second, but it's a losing battle. A massive, desperate sneeze blows the other two lines to a scattered mess as his body rejects the foreign substance and cries out for relief.

"Goddammit! Do you know how much this shit costs?" There are tears in his eyes. "Fuck. Stings too." He screws up his face again, pinching the bridge of his nose. It's useless. A second sneeze erupts out of him, and then a third and fourth in quick succession, this time spraying the table. The glass doesn't look so pristine anymore. You pass him a napkin. "I - goddammit," he repeats, and buries his messy nose into it in resignation. He's fiercely flushed and you can't tell whether it's from embarrassment, from the distress he's just caused in his own sinuses, or from what little coke made it into his system.

The half-hit seems to only fuel his frustration. He balls up the napkin in his fist and stutters wordlessly until his breath starts hitching again and you pass him a fresh one. He has to blow his nose three times before it seems alright, but even then, he's still snuffling every few moments, trying to ease the pain.

He finally glances up at you, no longer smiling but instead frowning tremulously with exhaustion and misery. He can't meet your eyes for more than a split second. "Don't fucking look at me like that. I know, okay? I know." He chokes on the last word and buries his head in his hands. "What am I doing with my life..." he says, muffled and hopeless. You realize with alarm that he's about to cry, and scoot close enough to pull him into your arms. He's too tired to protest. He just curls against your chest, face pressed wetly against your neck. It's pathetic really, the way he's sobbing, nose running freely, unable to hold anything back. He seems to be talking in gasps about how empty his life is but you can't make out much of the words. Eventually, the tears quiet to sniffles.

"It's okay. I'm gonna call you a cab, okay? We'll get you home." He nods against you, rubs his irritated nose one last time into the collar of your shirt, and lets you rescue him.

[megumiivs]

cw: cheating, manga spoilers (dont read if u havent finished the manga yet ty!), ooc mikey??

lowercase intended

-

to say mikey was the love of your life was an understatement. you two had grown up together, from snot nosed toddlers to reckless teenagers, through the thick and thin. to others, you guys were inseparable and it seemed inevitable that you would end up marrying him.

at least, that’s what you thought. it seemed that 18+ years of knowing each other and over 5 years of dating meant nothing to mikey. as you stared down at the instagram post, a wave of nausea washed over you. there he was, the love of your life, in all his glory, staring up at you from your phone. in the picture, he was sitting next to a gorgeous person, hand wrapped possessively around their waist. they seemed to be the exact opposite of you. to make matters worse, mikey seemed happier, too. he was smiling, and the usual dark bags under his eyes were missing. his whole persona was different. he seemed to succumb to the dark impulses around you. but the post showed no sign of dark impulses. was his other partner so amazing that they could keep a check on mikey’s dark impulses? something you couldn’t even do? was this why he had cheated? these questions gnawed at you, and it made you want to cry even more.

your heart felt like it had been split into two. mikey had cheated and by the looks of it, he had absolutely zero remorse. the post had proved it in a way. he had no problem with his other partner posting him on social media. yet, when you wanted to post a picture with it? it was a hard no. he had mumbled excuses along the lines of “not wanting the police to connect him to bonten” or that “everyone knows we’re together, there’s no need.” everything that he rejected appeared to be an exception for them.

you had stuck with mikey, despite him succumbing to the dark impulses after he had lost shinichiro, emma and baji. you had stuck with mikey, despite him trying to push everyone away. so why wasn’t that enough? why were you enough?

when mikey returned to your shared apartment that night, you couldn’t bear to look at him. to look at his handsome face, the face you had loved for the longest time. you sat montionless on the bed, tears staining your cheeks. mikey didn’t seem to notice your pain, walking right past you with a simple, “i’m back love.” the word ‘love’ drove you over the cliff. you let out a loud sob. how could he call you that after cheating on you for god knows how long. more tears began pouring out, clouding your vision. how could he call you love when how could he call you love when his neck bore a deep purple hickey?

you closed your eyes and took a deep breath, preparing yourself.

“let’s break up mikey.”

mikey stopped in his tracks.

“what?” he asked with a confused look on his face. “where is this coming from?”

“i know.” you say simply. “i know you’ve been cheating on me.”

he doesn’t say anything so you continue. “i saw their instagram post mikey.”

the tears begin flowing again. mikey stood there, face impassive. he took a deep breath before saying,

“okay?”

this simple word made you flip your switch. “sorry? is that all you have to say? we’ve been dating for five years and that’s all you have to say? you cheated on me mikey!”

he shrugs. “i know”

“you can’t even saying sorry?” you yell. “sorry doesnt even cut it but that’s better than fucking saying okay”

“what do you want me to do? i wasn’t trying to hide it anyway. you just took too long to find out.”

angry tears make its way down your cheeks. “fuck you mikey, fuck you for cheating on me, fuck you for making me think that we were going to last, fuck you for making me love you. i hate you, i hate you, i hate you.” you collapse against the wall of your shares apartment, curling into a ball.

The End 😊😊

i hate this and dont wanna finish this so i ended it

[vacantgodling]

🪄🪄🪄🪄

thank youuuu!!!

🪄 Aishite Aishite Aishite — Ado

Don’t get angry. / Don’t abandon me. / Don’t go anywhere. / (Hey)

starting with a vocaloid song of course we are lmao. there’s actually 2 ways you can read this song (that i’ve seen, though more than that exist im sure) — the first is more akin to the actual intent of the song which is talking more about and alluding to yandere undertones of obsessive love even if it doesn’t seem Real. the second and the one that i associate with dearest narcissus spokes from paramour/prim & provocative is a more Literal reading of certain aspects of the song. she’s terrified to be alone, she wants people to love her and think that she’s important, she doesn’t want people to abandon her—but to others outside her it seems like an attention grab or fake etc etc. but she means it she’s genuine she just doesn’t know how else to ask for love because no one’s ever really given it to her.

(she’s also arospec if that means anything either)

i really ADORE ado’s vocals in this song because it really captures the RANGE of emotions that narci is feeling. pleading, sweet, enraged, manipulative, sincere—it’s everything all at once. a lot of this energy is definitely directed at myrtus (her ex husband) at first, but it is genuinely how she feels about the world. she feels discarded and abandoned by it (and has been a bit) and she doesn’t know what she’s doing Wrong to make people never give her the time of day or love her.

🪄 MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT — Loveless

Just call on me, oh / Just call my name (just call my name) / Like you mean it

i’m a sucker for bridges. also this cover is so insanely good.

this entire cover is actually the beginning band sequence (after maverick quits the band) to my wip LuKEWARM ReJECTION — it represents the band’s best and most hard worked on song; maverick’s (the ex lead singer’s) magnum opus. it took them nearly a year to perfect it, and as di somberly thinks when they get up on stage for the battle of the bands with their new short notice fill in lead singer toph, there’s no way in fuck they’ll be able to pull this off. toph hadn’t even had time to practice. they get onstage, make their intros, and then they start off the chords for the song.

and toph just blows it out of the water.

his voice is better, stronger, more emotional, more star like than anything maverick has ever TOUCHED and as they roll through the whole set toph just knocks the pants off of everyone including the band! it should be a momentous moment but for di it’s so so SO bitter because he and maverick were dating and he not only left the band, he left di, and you just can’t get over that with the snap of your fingers.

but i LOOOOVE this song as an opening too bc toph deadass thinks these lyrics are so juvenile LMAO it’s the first fight he and di get into after the performance bc he disses the song and di still has emotions high so they start arguing. how dare you call my boyfriend my ex’s magnum opus garbage!!! and toph is all these lyrics were written by a washed up pop star wdym (which hits better for my imagination since the loveless version IS a cover lmao and for me personally, the lyrics aren’t hella compelling i moreso like the bridge for the singer bc his voice MAAAN it’s so good)

🪄 Better Than Me — Hinder

And I can't pretend / I won't think about you when I'm older / 'Cause we never really had our closure / This can't be the end

i have this song on so many playlists i’m literally INSANE about it. also once again the bridge makes me crazy.

i specifically think about this song when i think about amon and hya unsurprisingly but i also think about this song with graves and dove from the graves we dug. like GODDDDDDD the yearning, the pain that was caused, the struggle to accept that it’s over even if you don’t want it to be ???? like how am i supposed to be normal about this.

🪄Split — WILLOW

I'm always acting tough / Close my heart and now I starve the love / And no, I never wanted / I never wanted this for us

this whole album makes me crazy willow is so talented i love She.

i got this song on a couple of playlists but most recently i was thinking about this song in the context of betwixt thumb and forefinger and it really makes me think of sjaak. like he really doesn’t ask for 99.9% of the shit he’s going through and his reactions are horrible but understandable. the background sound and the vibes and the emphasis on the i never wanted this for us is literally him @ biscella and you can’t convince me otherwise.

the other person i’m thinking about with this song is arden from red death & the oracle’s favor, our favorite scorned prince. but instead of like sjaak and it be him talking to someone else, this song for him is more like him talking to himself. he never wanted this responsibility placed on his shoulders and he plays the part but it’s so hard to on some days — how does he survive? he doesn’t know.

[arziaisfrench]

▪︎ IPKKND Ep 80 : Khushi sees the effect of her tears on Arnav

"You have gone too far from your limits, miss Khushi Kumari Gupta. Keep your marriage thoughts for yourself."

Thanks to Barun Sobti's incredible acting skills, you can sense the shift in Arnav's energy. He's dealing with something dark inside him! His parents' death anniverssary is coming soon. He feels very vulnerable today.

"Who the hell are you that in order to talk to you, I have to go through all this?" I think he's very frustrated and angry because of what he thinks is, an imbalance in their emotional power dynamic !! This is a very important point to notice to be able to understand the way he's gonna badly behave in the future episodes ! He thinks she holds much more power on him than he holds on her, because he know he loves her and but still believes she don't. She can ruin his mood whatever she wants, whatever she rejects him (her hanging up his phone call) but he (thinks he) doesn't have that same power on her ! Of course he's wrong, but he doesn't know that yet.

He never felt this much frustration before. He's about to explode. He only thinks of her, of what she might think of him. He loves her. But he also hates her for making him fall in love !

He wants her so bad, emotionally, physically and completely. The frustration is in his mind, his heart & his body. ENTIRELY!

But notce his reaction when she puts him in his place (the way he let go of his hand with a subtle smile on his face). He loves it. It always impresses him and turn him on. What is provoking this reaction? Khushi's courage of course, and this since the first time they met. 👀

"Marriage is the purest of all relationship in the world. When someone promises to live their whole life with their partner, when someone doesn't want to get detached even after death, when someone prays that all the problems in his partner's life become their, every pain become their and if needed they can give their own life to protect their partner … with this promise life gets complete." I have to say this was a beautiful speech about marriage. Khushi can articulate her point of view in such a thoughtfull way. Arnav knows how clever she is.

"You make relationship for your own benefit. And when your purpose is over? No responsability, no engagement, no promises. Nothing." She ain't lying. But her views on a live-in-relationship is definitely problematic. She's judging it as if all people must have the same ideals as her.

Khushi insulted him by saying he had a "loose" character, implying he uses women as a tool to enjoy himself and to then throw them away. That's what makes him lose his sh*t. It reminded him of his father, unintentionally, she compared him with his unfaithful father, responsible of his mother's death !

And therefore all the anger and frustration came back at once in a split of few secondes ! He feels too much in such a short time, that he can't think clearly anymore, blinded by his fears and desires.

This scene triggered me a lot. This is the third scene that disgusted me soo much (first: the scene where he made a sexual thread, second: when he held her arm too harshly, then the camera were zooming on the marks he left on her arms, YIKES) !

He knew how he almost traumatized her the first day they met with his nasty behavior. His body language is way too agressive. And here he is, doing the same thing. This was digusting and triggering to watch!

This is the first time Khushi read Arnav's pain when he's realizing he's hurting her. She watches his anger disappear as he watches her cry.

This is the type of scene I was talking about in previous recaps. Tf is that?! Literally romantizing abusive behaviors. Why is her hand lingering on those marks?! I really hates these scenes!!

As I wrote earlier Arnav was definitely dealing with something very dark inside him. He was struggling to not break in tears all day thinking about his parents and how they d'ed. He let his impusilvity take the best of him once again because of how any insinuation about his parents trigger him.

Arnav at this point should've broke up with Lavanya. It's getting very umconfortable for me to see them exchanges intense stares while she's literally there in the same room !!!

The whole scene was about him getting worried about Khushi but honestly this scene happened way too soon after that "incident" in my opinion. I was so over it, we saw him earlier crossing a limit he should'n't have !

He insinuated to show her what it was to have a "loose" character, obviously making another sex-al threat just like the first time they met ! And him feeling very terrible that day doesn't give him an excuse for that disgusting behavior toward her everytime he gets deeply triggered.

[bandofchimeras]

posting a lot rn sorry Im gonna readmore this vent that is a standin for next therapy session

i have a lot of trauma from losing my last few housing situations over interpersonal conflict and not having enough money or being good at managing my money. I was too ashamed to ask for what I needed until it was desperate and I had no options.

I have big decisions to make that are producing so much anxiety. and am burnt out. but also grateful and astounded at the miracle that is life.

so can't handle small talk right now. my whole chest is splitting open with the need to be somewhere I feel loved and safe bc I know who tf I am now....but knowing I have to make these next moves out of my own initiative

somewhere deep in my brain I know this isn't all my fault but I had to stop victim thinking to get myself out of the Hole and consequently just Shut Up about the Pain

the last people I lived with really wanted me to shut up and conform perfectly to the anxiously controlled life they'd constructed bc I was there temporarily

and for my part I was in depression self centered funk and coming out of abuse too brainfoggerd to remember the rules

One of them is a former mutual and he was also a transmasc person I had a crush on and we had a short little Thing

what they ended up doing was 1000% shitty asshole stuff like kicking me out in the middle of winter after I communicated I was in too much pain from moving in and work, and requested a two week extension, and trying to charge me illegal "storage fees" when I needed time to get my stuff after being kicked out.

my discord friends had to help me parse that these people were not my friends and did not care about me at all. I thought they did. but the guilt they laid on thick and blamed me for their actions has been dragging around my ankles for awhile and I just want to shake it off, I want to be okay and not soaked in guilt like milk toast

the situation also led to my car being stolen, getting in a crash, my cats health severely declining until she passed away this spring. just fucking wrecking ball on everything I was attached to for any sort of comfort or sense of reality.

Right before that my long term job that was....dubiously ethical, my sort of boss fired me in a similarly guilting way, and similarly could see exactly why they had a problem with me but I just, at the time I simply could not show up how I needed to. Not killing myself was an accomplishment. And this boss was deeply prejudiced against autistic people despite running a group home. I genuinely hated her guts for how miserable she made everyone around her while also recognizing I wasn't doing much better.

anyways through this time period kitchen work has become this attachment that toughens me up and feels doable while my brain is inflamed, despite being shit for my disabled body. I can't shake free quite. I don't have a permanent house and all my friendships feel weird and troubled in that way only mutual survivors of emotionally neglectful or abusive families and religious trauma can, like every thing I do or say can be wrong, or isn't giving someone enough attention or isnt the response they want or is bad bad bad bad

and so yeah, making new friends is hard

letting people in feels impossible

looking for decent jobs too

I'm not a mess in the way I have been but it's all messy inside and I'm sad and tired and very hypersensitive to rejection, every day breaks and makes me again and I miss writing and loving and feeling good

I thought pride would be so fun and make me feel better. It was cool in a lot of ways, but also grimly corporate and fangless and expensive, there were a ton of missed connections and the couple I went with was being nitpicky and hurtful to each other and even at the club dressed to the nines and dancing my little gay heart out I felt disconnected and ignorable (maybe it's just a Seattle thing, moving from a small-town environment into big urban reminds you you're nothin special all in all) and couldn't see the magic

I miss my ex or at least keep seeing stuff that reminds me of caring about her in that specific way and the bridge we tried to build across everything despite it all and I know we still care about each other just couldn't stop the fucking awful Bullshit, moving on would be easier if I could just dismiss people entirely

and at work things started falling apart too, my boss got super guilt happy at overworked caregivers and I lost all respect for him and was mega triggered and posted about it and embarrassed myself. theyre more okay I guess but everyone seems so demoralized and worn down by being criticized and used up and overcharged and under loved and I don't want to give any more right now, I want to rest rest rest and make art and I can't let myself while I'm living in someone's living room and both of us are working around eachothers mood disorders

meanwhile my family while making progress is still on about how I have to accept criticism of my gender identity if I want to talk to them about the harm done by their religious ideology and MEANWHILE I develop deep feelings for yet another unavailable cis man for bare minimum shit

i don't know I guess it feels like other people know how to have friends and love and enjoy things and I am missing the boat and if I don't change something indistinguishable super fast, it will be too late for me and I will continue to ruin every good thing that comes my way and.magnetically attract trouble

and it doesn't help that my attempts to connect online also feel desperate and awkward like I'm really a sick puppy who wants headpats but aren't we all they say

some days I do think overall it would be easier to Kermit but I can't do that to my siblings AND there are many buoyantly beautiful things bout life I am looking forward to like top surgery and kissing boys like I mean it which someday will feel real and not like a knife twist in the chest

also I haven't got enough sleep lately and my period came back so hopefully this stupid shit is more bearable in a few days I'm just gonna watch OFMD and hug myself to sleep and literally kill anyone who is a hater about the tiny things that bring me joy bc I am fucking doing my best out here to stay afloat and not yuck other people's yums either

[jac-is-procrastinating-again]

Ah but recall; Crowley is a rebel but Aziraphale is all about rules. That's how he sees life, and how he feels safe, where there are strict rules that you obey if you're Good and break if you're Bad.

Aziraphale is genuinely good at heart, I think, and he cares about others and is compassionate, but he is also a massive innocent, naive and childish. He's not cynical enough to realise that a bad thing done in the name of Good is still a bad thing, whereas Crowley realises that REALLY early on.

Crowley is Fallen but he knows he shouldn't really be in Hell. He didn't fall so much as saunter vaguely downwards. He come across as having been really wounded though, so i think we can surmise that the battle before the Fall was pretty traumatic. So though he is at heart good, he knows that in terms of categories he's been classified as Evil unjustly (I have a theory about that too) and part of his conflict comes from that. He doesn't care what Hell thinks about him or Heaven either because what they did was wrong, both incorrect and unfair. He's under no illusions about the infallibility of Heaven and he has all sorts of questions about God too.

Aziraphale OTOH has a fairly accurate moral compass but it is all screwed up by the fact that Heaven is morally pretty messed up, and they make the Rules that dictate what is Good and what is Evil. God's supposed to be Ineffable so the fact that none of it makes sense to him is not a deal breaker... But at the same time, Aziraphale has to continually quash his unease over be asked to do stuff which he knows is wrong.

The other thing is (and I suspect this might go back to the Fall and he very well might not remember) he is deeply lacking in confidence in himself and his instincts. He's neither stupid not weak but he'd much prefer it if Crowley initiates their shenanigans because that way he doesn't have to worry about getting it wrong and inadvertently being Evil. Every time they go into the gray, so to speak, Crowley argues for the actual Good outcome (interesting choice for a demon) whereas Aziraphale generally agrees what it is, but is very, very hesitant to cross the line that denotes (artificially) what is labelled as Good from what is labelled as Evil. Why is he so afraid? I wonder if he too has scars but he doesn't remember what they are or why (hang on, another theory fermenting there, need to go make notes).

So for Crowley both Heaven and Hell are about punishment and pain and rejection and threat. He won't go back there and is doing his best to do small good things for specific people and keeping his badnesses generic (m25, locking up the whole phone network) so no one person suffers too much. He's getting through eternity the best way he can.

But for Aziraphale, Heaven is safety and reassurance and Getting It Right. Heaven lays down the laws that allow him to stay out of trouble (mostly). Heaven is where everything is Good and Happy and though he has come to see that there are distinct cracks in it, when they offer him the chance to fix it he is overjoyed.If he can fix the rules, then he can do as much good as he wants without the threat of retribution (although in his usual guarded way he tends to refer to it as 'paperwork'). But he is mostly overjoyed because he can Fix Everything for Crowley and the two of them can be (he thinks) safe and together and doing officially sanctioned Good without threat for eternity, which is the sum total of everything he's ever wanted. He loves his bookshop, but this would make so much more of a difference. (Also he is a little vain, and this does tickle his vanity).

For him Metatron's offer means that he doesn't have to be afraid any more, but can live in perfect happiness with the love of his life, making the world better for ever (and ever amen).

Ah,, Metatron, you're such a bastard.

Metatron pitches this artful offer to them because he knows exactly how to split them up. He knows them well. Plus, he knows Crowley and Crowley knows him. But when he says "You know me don't you, Demon?" Crowley evades the question, which makes me think that it's also a threat. He doesn't answer yes or no, and like the Metatron, he doesn't name names. He just says "Last time i saw you, you were on a big screen." This implies there was a previous time (could be just a figure of speech but i think not) and also recalls the others to who he is.

So part of the reason Crowley reacts to the situation as he does is that it doesn't make him angry with Aziraphale. If it was a normal lover's spat, I'd expect him to drive away when he storms out, but he doesn't. He can't. He knows perfectly well that the angel has been played by Metatron. I actually wonder if that glance at Nina is him thinking it's time to tell Aziraphale about the whole thing, and what happened around the Fall.

But Metatron waits for Crowley to get angry (he does know him pretty well if he knows he'll storm outside again rather than lightning the bookshop) and then nips in and scoops Aziraphale before Crowley can get a hold of himself and spill the beans. And he reinforces thatbeing with Crowley-the-demon is bad and a threat, and Heaven has a big list of Aziraphale's sins that he thought he'd slid under the radar, but that protocol could be adhered to (and that he can save / restore his beloved without bad consequences) if he just comes to Heaven.

If Metatron was of good intent and all was as it seems, the logical thing would be to have this conversation with the two of them, but Metatron deliberately takes Aziraphale to one side.

Why? Because he can' risk Crowley talking about last time. He doesn't want Aziraphale thinking too clearly about the whole thing or asking awkward questions. He knows that this will send Crowley into a fury, so sending Aziraphale back in with this threat-disguised-as-gift will split them up for long enough that he can hurry Aziraphale away willingly. Crowley would fight to the last feather on his wings if he thought Metatron was coercing his beloved, but if he's apparently going willingly and they've just fallen out, even if Crowley hasn't stormed off, he'll hesitate for long enough to get Aziraphale to the lift. And it is VERY near the bookshop, isn't it??

Metatron's genius is in the fact that though Aziraphale realises that this is a poisoned chalice *before* he steps into the lift, the lure of being able to make things right for Crowley is stronger than his concerns, which is why he glances back, but then gets in. And his expressions in the lift go from worry and anxiety at the situation to hurt at the argument, and then there's a crafty little glance towards Metatron in case he's going to get caught doing something transgressive, and that tremulous smile. I'd bet any money that if we saw the rushes on that, there'd be just the tiniest twitch of his hand towards his lips, quickly covered. But this is where it backfires for Metatron.

Because this is actually Aziraphale doing something actually quite courageous.

He's not as stupid as Metatron thinks. He knows the situation is bad and he's been told that their old companionship can't continue as it was - it's this or nothing. He knows full well it's trap. But now he knows for sure that Crowley loves him, Aziraphale is going in completely without backup and taking on all the forces of Heaven in order to find a way to be with his beloved. And when Aziraphale finds his certainty... it might take a while for him to understand what a fundamental shift it is, but when Aziraphale finds his certainty, I'm pretty sure there's going to be fireworks.

So Aziraphale’s “I forgive you” has been living rent-free in my brain, mostly because I can’t pin down why he said it, exactly. I’ve read a few bits of meta on the reasoning behind it (which were all good! No shade here), and I’m still grappling with it, especially within the greater context of the series. So I'm gonna talk it out.

I read a subpar (professional) review of the series in which the author criticized the minisodes because they felt it took them out of the story and added nothing to the modern day plot — which, let’s be serious, is a ridiculous take. Both the story of Job and the Resurrectionists provide a clear insight into how Aziraphale and Crowley see both their duties and how they interact with the world and people (both as part of their duties and also just because… they want to).

Aziraphale doesn’t want Job’s children to die, and he’s horrified at both Heaven’s lackadaisical approach to “allowing” Hell to kill Job’s children and their incapability of understanding that a child can’t simply be replaced by another child. He’s delighted to learn that Crowley isn’t carrying out Hell’s (and Heaven’s) orders, and even goes along with Crowley’s impromptu plan to “return” Job and Sitis’ children to them. He’s clearly uncomfortable lying to Gabriel et al and expects punishment — even Falling. I summarize all of this not because I don’t know y’all watched it, but because it’s insight into how Aziraphale approaches internal conflict. He doesn’t want Job’s children to die. He backs down from his protests when Gabriel et al call him out; but because he knows Crowley has been tasked with carrying it out — Crowley, who he has report with, who he knew before he Fell — he tries to prevent it from happening. He tries to appeal to Crowley’s once angelic nature to prevent the act, while simultaneously knowing that Heaven wants it to happen too. He's tempted by Crowley into following Crowley's lead, into accomplishing what he wanted to happen anyway but wouldn't do on his own. 

Both Crowley and Aziraphale are hypocrites but with different end results: Crowley wants to slip under the radar by sort of following orders, while having as little to do with either side as possible. He’s a hypocrite so he won’t be bothered, even if it’s lonely. Aziraphale wants to follow orders that he agrees with, while wanting to appear holy and obedient in the sight of Heaven. He doesn’t want to be bothered either, but he wants Heaven to think well of him while he’s not being bothered. He cares about being lonely. Aziraphale wants to have his cake and eat it too, and Crowley just doesn’t want to be anywhere near cake.

The story in the Resurrectionists is tragic and fascinating from a character standpoint, because it puts Aziraphale in a position of what he considers moral authority, while ignoring the harsh reality of Elspeth and (wee) Morag’s lives. Elspeth is doing something Aziraphale (and society) considers immoral, and he actively prevents her from profiting from it; it isn’t until he understands the wider scope of how bodysnatching benefits medicine that he reconsiders. Seeing the girls in distress was not enough. He hesitates before saving Morag’s life and she dies. He doesn’t want Elspeth to kill herself, but it’s Crowley that truly intervenes (and is punished for it, unlike with Aziraphale and Job). Crowley doesn't "tempt" Aziraphale into anything, because Aziraphale doesn’t agree with Crowley, and he can only be tempted to do something he wants to. 

Here's the thing: Crowley was given orders to punish Job, which he clearly disagreed with due to the suffering it would cause. He found a way around them, and roped Aziraphale into helping out.

While not given orders, Aziraphale witnessed human suffering and decided it was not enough to warrant committing a victimless crime; and when given the opportunity to do something merciful but that might put him on Heaven’s watchlist, he doesn’t. His concern over his own reputation stops him. It’s Crowley who actively prevents Elspeth from killing herself, just as it’s Crowley who tells Aziraphale to give Elspeth his money.

Aziraphale agrees with Crowley that neither Heaven nor Hell is particularly great, but unlike Crowley with Hell, Aziraphale still wants Heaven to like him. As much as he loathes Heaven’s bureaucracy and obsession with appearance, he’s still tethered to it.

So what does this have to do with his forgiving Crowley after the kiss? Well.

Just like Crowley needed a good old-fashioned talking-to by Nina and Maggie about his ~feelings~, in the time-honored fanfiction tradition of third parties helping out; I don’t think Aziraphale knows he’s in love with Crowley. He knows he loves Crowley, and if pressed I’m sure he would admit that yes, it was different than the love he felt for other things in Creation — but he wouldn’t connect the dots. He wouldn’t want to. What he and Crowley have is perfectly suitable to him, and changing anything would not only rock the boat — but it would require him to have to sort out one of those internal conflicts he finds so distasteful.

The Metatron’s plan is thus perfect: it changes things, but does so in a way that affirms Aziraphale’s own biases. The promotion to supreme archangel would put Aziraphale at the top of the hierarchy. There’s no need to take the hierarchy/bureaucracy out — Aziraphale wouldn’t want that anyway. He cares about his reputation. He's being given the opportunity to be in complete control of it. 

The Metatron also validates his relationship with Crowley, and provides Aziraphale with not only the opportunity to bring Crowley with him, but to "restore" him. In Aziraphale's mind, Crowley's becoming an angel again wouldn't change who Crowley is: but it would connect him to Heaven again. Heaven can be a drag, but it's still good, and this time, Aziraphale will be in charge and he can make sure it's good enough for Crowley, who just asked questions, after all.

(And Crowley wouldn't have to be so lonely. Ignore the fact that Crowley has Aziraphale and that's all he wants.)

And this is where it all comes together.

Not only does Crowley reject his proposal, but he also insists on his perspective -- that they don't need anyone else. They don't need Heaven or Hell. (And this is off topic but I loooove the line that insinuates they basically live in each other's pockets now, as opposed to pre-Armageddon when they met up every once in a while. Love! It!) They're at their best together, and they always have been, and Aziraphale’s falling for Heaven’s bs. They can be like Gabriel and Beelzebub. They don't need anyone else.

But Aziraphale has just been told that he can have his cake and eat it too, for real this time; and to really stretch this analogy too far, he can own the bakery too. He doesn’t want what Crowley is telling him, because he wants what the Metatron has offered. Crowley wants them to be them, free of their constraints; Aziraphale wants to be them, with control over their constraints. 

And then Crowley does what he always does when Aziraphale is being obstinate: he leads him to what they both want. Or, he tries -- the kiss is desperate, messy, awkward. Crowley wants Aziraphale to follow his lead, to succumb to temptation, as it were, how he always does. To know it's okay to do what they want instead of what Heaven expects, just like how it was okay with Job’s children.

Aziraphale knows what Crowley’s doing. He will not be tempted this time. He forgives Crowley for trying. He forgives him for following the steps of their usual dance. This is the Aziraphale of the Resurrectionists, full of moral conviction, not the story of Job.

 (And now here's a fun kicker -- does Aziraphale know Crowley loves him, after the kiss? Or does he assume Crowley had a different intent? Aziraphale is stunned after the kiss. He’s not even sure how to define what he feels for Crowley, and Crowley kissed him? Oofa doofa.)

[strawberrylucv]

heloo! i think this is my 2nd time coming back to tumblr (＾▽＾) !! BUT ITS OKAY ITS SUMMER AND I CAN WRITE AGAIN!!,, this is such a long overdue post ╥﹏╥ to this day i still get questions if there will be a part 2,, I AM SO SORRY I FORGET THAT I HAVE A BLOG this school yr was rough but here you goo!! part 2!!

again this is angst 💀

characters include : childe, zhongli, kaeya, diluc.

> part 1!

genshin men when they realized that it was only you.

—CHILDE

he realized his mistake a month after,

he realized that it wasn't love that he felt towards this person, but just pure infatuation.

it was love with you

it still is. was he too late?

"this was a mistake," he told himself

he missed you and he wanted you back.

so he tried searching for you, trying to look for you

and when he finally found you.

he fell in love all over again.

"y/n!" he shouted, running up to you with his arms open to give you a big embrace, he whose head rushed up with blood and excitement because he can finally see the one person that could make him feel whole again, seeing you again made him feel so vulnerable yet he wouldn't mind. he wouldn't mind laying all his weaknesses towards his enemies if it meant that you would take him again, his eyes had light that split second until you take a step back. he knew that it was expected but he didn't realize how painful it could be to see your rejection. he notices you carrying a bag so he asked what was inside. you smiled melancholically and showed him.

it was all of his things that were in your bedroom, all the photos of you together, souvenirs from your dates, and his letters from when he was away during missions. he asked what you were going to do with these items, you looked at him with an expression that pained him because he could already guess the words that would come out of your mouth, "it's time to move on."

you walk away from him to dispose the bag but childe grabbed your wrist and held you in his arms, "y/n, i still want you, I still--", you felt his warmth once again, then you realize that this was warmth that left. you were cold for months until someone allowed you to finally feel something again. you hear someone call your name so you pushed childe away because you realized that this man cannot be the man that will stay forever. he just can't, the universe will make sure of it. "i'm sorry." you whisper to him.

"y/n! what're you doing?" the person that called your name asked, you turn around to face them and childe could already see how warm your smile is, "i'm just throwing some trash away." you replied to them.

you introduce childe to the person who helped you through your worst and has loved you even more. "this is aja—no, childe." how his heart broke when you called his name like that. now he realized that he can't make you choose him, he was now just a painful memory to look back on. only a memory. when you two were finally alone again, he asked "could you still love me, y/n?" he gave you his sly smirk, the one you fell in love with.

he wished he could go back in time to change everything

"goodbye, childe. i wish you the best." you tell him and walk away, one step was all he needed to get you back, one look back would be permission for him to go after you

but you never looked back and

he never took one step forward,

just one step back instead.

now you're happy with someone else.

now he'll always be a memory maybe even a forgettable one but to him, you will always be the person he will vow to love.

—ZHONGLI

it wasn't easy realizing he could love two people at the same time.

the only difference is

the other person felt wrong. its as if the world was trying to get them together but it felt so forced.

how his touch felt dirty and wrong when touching someone else that was not you.

after a long reflection with himself, he had realized that his love with you and only you, was true and real.

he was just—confused,

and now alone

longing for you day by day, tormenting himself with how you were now gone.

but one day, he tried to follow your daily routine, remembering where to go because he was so used to it. he wasn't even paying attention to where his feet was leading him, he just wanted to follow it because it was YOUR routine.

and then he saw you.

together with someone else.

"do you think we should get two of these?" the person beside you asked. "what for?" you looked up to them, "so we can get matching sets." they held your hand unexpectedly and you almost drop the cup you were holding because of how flustered you got. they try to grab the cup before it could fall but someone else grabs it. "oh, thank you so much for catching it—" you gave your thanks until you look up to the face who saved it. "y/n." his voice, you forgot how his voiced sounded like. it was zhongli you asked your companion to get the other things in your list. you had told them that you'll be fine. "y/n, i'm—", "you're sorry?" you cut him off, "no. i'm in love with you. still." you were taken aback because you had thought he was coming back for an apology because of the guilt. not his feelings resurfacing after a few months of saying goodbye. "i told you, i'm not the one you'll end up with." "and what if i can change that? what if i dont want to follow what you think, what if i want to follow what i think?" he tried to argue with you. "because i can see through your eyes now that its not me in your future, trust me." you say as you keep your head held high. "you can't decide that, only i can." he emphasized. "i am the god of contra—" you cut him off, "and we ended our contract months ago." many eyes were now on you and him. his hand went up to your face, he was so deprived of you and this was his only chance. you don't try to stop him, "you had your chance months ago, i waited for you and you never came, i'm done with being involved with the god of contracts, i'm done being involved with you." you take his hand off your face. his eyes never leave you, not for one second. "i still love you." "i can't accept your love when i know my heart already chose someone else." you leave him and come back to your companion, you felt your shoulders light. your companion had asked who you were talking to and you just gave them a smile and said that they were your past. zhongli felt heavy as if the rocks he had controlled of was not heavy enough.

all he could think of was your words back then

that this was the best decision.

maybe it really was.

—KAEYA

kaeya never really understood the concept of love.

whether it was familial, romantical, platonically. he really just couldn't understand.

could be because of his past when he was a child, or could be the way he got his vision or it could be that nobody ever really stuck around him for so long.

either that or he never allowed someone to stick to him for so long.

when you left, he didn't think much of it. it was normalcy to him for things to happens like this.

what was not normal to him was the little pains he would get in his chest when he would accidentally call your name.

and obviously, you weren't there. because of his doing.

again, he didn't think much of it.

maybe it was the alcohol intake getting the better of him.

he'd do the same thing over and over again.

—wake up, eat food, go to the favonius headquarters, loiter patrol around, and go have a drink in angel's share.

then around the day he would always hear your voice and his heart would race. he'd think of your favorite things once in awhile. maybe even partake even some food you'd always talk about. then when he went to angel's share, maybe he was hoping that you would be there, you'd be alone and he'd be alone too.

though he knows it was his doing for you not to show yourself again. he'd pray that maybe he could pour out his feelings again to you.

that day came perfectly. when he was out for a missions and entered angel's share. he saw you sitting alone, with your favorite drink in your hand. it was his time

as you take a sip from your favorite drink, you jump because of the voice you know all too well. "mind if i sit here?" blue hair arrogantly crossing your vision. "i'm sorry, this seat is taken." you replied to him and go back to focusing your attention on your drink. kaeya chuckled and said "you're too harsh on me." he sat on the other side of you instead. "y/n, i haven't seen you since—" "since we broke things off, right?" not taking one look at his face at all. "don't be like that. i was just...it wasn't me saying all those things." he had tapped the table, signifying the bartender to make him his favorite drink. your eyes wander at the clock wondering when you can make your exit. "y/n, i'm sorry." kaeya had abruptly said, causing you to look at him. "what, drunk already? cavalry captain?" "i'm sober. definitely." you and him made eye contact for the first time in that night. "kaeya—" "y/n, i'm still in love with you." he never drops his look towards you. "you told me that too last time, what do you think happened?" you go back to your drink, "i dont accept broken promises anymore, kaeya. it's tiring getting hurt." "i know, i'm sorry. i just—don't know how to love properly. but i'll try better. i know i can." "kaeya, you're too late" you look at him with red cheeks. he could tell you were getting too intoxicated, who knows how long you've been taking a 'sip' of that drink of yours. "y/n, i think that's enough." he tries to grab the drink from you, but you try to pull the glass back. he almost has the drink until some other hand pulls it back to you again. you look over to the owner of the hand and your eyes light up with so much energy. you call their name and gave them a hug, "i missed you!!" your arms wrap around their neck. "y/n, who's this?" they asked, and you just told them that kaeya was just an acquaintance. not a friend even. you introduce your still hugged companion to kaeya and had told him that when you were in so much pain, they had been there for you in every step of the way. and now both of you were approaching something more. "i know you're still busy, it's ok. i can handle myself." you tell them, they give you a kiss in reply and walk to the stairs for the they had meeting. kaeya watches you as your eyes follow him. "new friend?" he asks but you don't reply. "y/n, i miss you. i still want to be with you. i'm sorry." he says quickly, with no pauses in between. you swirl your drink with your cup. "kaeya, i'm sorry but while you were pushing me away. i was being pulled by them, they're everything you're not—" "that's why i'll change! i promise—" you look at him, firmly you say "again with your promises. i love them, so much more than how i loved you." with that, kaeya leaves the bar. he goes outside leaving you.

all he could think of was how selfish you were,

but how could you be? he was careless with you

and now you're gone. happy with who you were with,

now who really is the selfish person here but him?

—DILUC

it was the day of his wedding. lots of people attending and you were one of them. it could be as a sign as a 'thank you' because of your decision. but you didn't mind since you were going to the wedding with someone holding your hand now. firmly and will never let go.

but when it got to his vows,

his eyes were on you.

you thought it could be a simple glance but when the high priest asks him "sir diluc? your vows?"

the world stops around you when he runs towards your pew/aisle and pulls you away from your companion,

running to the exit of the cathedral.

the realization hits you when you're just outside the church and you pull your hand back to you.

"what the hell are you doing?" you asked him. "you're at your own wedding and you have a bride so tell me, what the hell are you doing?", diluc inhales and looks back to you. his white suit is everything you've ever imagined if it was you as his bride. "i imagined you there." he says, "what?" "i imagined you there. y/n. i saw my future with you while you were sitting down in that aisle. i wondered when will you stand up and stay beside me. i longed for the moment for i to say my vows to you. every hour, every minute, every second i saw you there. infront of me, with me, i want you. i love you. after everything, i am still in love with you." "diluc. its over. every trace i had of your love is gone and more importantly, we're at your wedding. its your wedding." "i can give you all my love again, i can write more letters, i'll do everything, anything. please." he gets down on one knee, "so please, y/n— —marry me." "no. get up. diluc. the answer is no." "y/n..." he tries to argue with you. "i'm in love with someone who wouldn't waste a perfectly good wedding to someone else just to profess their love to me. i wanted one thing with you diluc, pure love. and even with that, you turned them into ash." he stays with his knee still down. "so no diluc. i will not marry you." you lastly say. you notice the shadow around the corners of the cathedral. you walk to it and already know who was in the shadows. you grab their hands and walk down the stairs of the church. with diluc still on his knee.

maybe before you would've accepted, probably when you were still madly in love with him.

but you realized how there were only some people who'll truly say the three words.

and "i do" will be something you'll only say to the person now holding your hand

[peterparkersnose]

Pink Bra Strap

(pt. 2)

Klitz x reader

Klitz x female reader

Klitz The Girl Next Door

word count: 1.6k

warnings: smut (not all smut, fluff in the beginning), cutting, mentions of drugs, sexual fantasies, fem!receiving oral, sexual interruptions, embarrassment, public masturbation

a/n i have fed you all well. klitz also has been fed. enjoy

summary pt. 2 to Pink Bra Strap, Y/N and Klitz interact at school

masterlist

join the tag list

read time: 6 mins 29 seconds

part 1 part 3

When Jessica pulled you away from Klitz, his heart melted. Watching you look over your shoulder and giving him a small wink made him trip on the doorframe. 

He almost cried to Eli that night driving home. He missed you. He craved you every second you were away. Klitz had never really done drugs before, but he imagined being with you is what being high was like. 

He thought about you that whole weekend. When he was reading, he imagined you as the hot space babe. When he was doing homework, he imagined you working alongside him. When he was jerking off, you were the only thing that filled his mind. Staring at his ceiling, mowing the lawn, taking a bath, eating cheese, doing the weekly face mask with his mom. Everything reminded him of you. 

Matt and Eli had to convince Klitz to come to school on the Monday after the party. Klitz was convinced when he saw you, it would go badly. You were drunk anyways, maybe you didn’t remember the party. There is no way you would approach him at school, other than to maybe pour a milk carton over his head. 

***

Monday morning you were leaning against the lockers with Jessica before class started. You tried not to look for Klitz, but you definitely scanned the crowd. When the bell rang, you sighed walking to your first class. It was a big school anyways, he could be anywhere. You tried to push the idea of the bowl cutted nerd to the back of your head and walk to class, but you caught his friend Matt sitting in the library. Slowing your pace, you finally noticed Klitz make his way out from behind a shelf. 

When you say you halted, you did. The line of people behind you gave you dirty looks as you walked closer to the glass windows looking into the library. 

Matt noticed you. 

“Klitz,” he whispered, pushing his book out infront of him. “Dude, look. These are the newest editions of the-”

“No, Klitz. Look.” Matt interrupted Klitz, turning for a split second to look at you. Klitz turned around, confused and shocked of why you would be standing there. Your eyes connected for a second. You let out a small smile and a tiny hand wave, but Klitz looked away back in the direction of Matt in embarrassment. 

Your heart sank. It’s just Klitz. Why would you be so upset over a rejection from a total loser? Matt saw your disappointed expression. 

“What the hell did you just do? She’s leaving bro!” he yelled, making Klitz bury his face farther into his hands. The librarian shushed Matt. 

“I-I can’t. It’s too much.” Klitz sighed, regretting now that he didn’t wave back. “Oh my god. You are an idiot.” Matt hissed at him through his teeth. “Well I’m sorry, we all can’t be fucking playboy ‘I fucked my pornstar neighbor’ Matt.” Klitz sighed, looking back at the window. Oh, how he longed for you. 

***

You didn’t see Klitz for three days after that. You avoided him the best you could. Taking different routes in the hallways, not making eye contact in the classes you had together. You were just trying to mend your broken heart. 

Klitz had finally had enough of this horrible tension. He needed to speak to you, see you again. He needed his fix. He prayed for a chance with you, even to exchange a glance that day.

It was fifth hour econ. One of the three painful classes you had with Klitz. The teacher was drowning on about stuff you didn’t care about. All you could do is glance back and forth to the back of his head to the window. You reminded yourself you needed to get over it, but you couldn’t stop thinking about his hands. 

He was taking notes diligently. His hand gripped the pencil so hard it made his veins pop. God, you were wet even thinking about it. You tensed in your seat, moving ever so slightly so your underwear would move into just the right position. Eyes still glued on Klitz, you allowed your mind to wander.

Klitz snuck through your window at the late hours of the night. You had messaged him on AOL about a half hour earlier to come over. You needed him, wanted him. His skin felt soft fucking you in your satin bedsheets. His hair was falling in your face. His glasses were placed crookedly on his nose, fogging up like they did in the bathroom. And when he came, he let out a soft cry. It wasn’t something that usually happened with other guys, but you could see Klitz crying when he came. You would comfort him afterwards, holding him until the two of you fell asleep. Your legs would entwine and…

“Miss L/N?” you heard, snapping you back into reality. “Yes?” you said, snapping your eyes from Klitz’s hands to the teacher. “And can you tell us what extent should the government intervene in the market?” he asked, crossing his arms. You sat there, defeated. “No, sorry sir.” you sighed, noticing everyone in the room (including Klitz) was staring at you. “Maybe spend more time paying attention to the lesson than looking at Klitz,” he snarked. The whole class erupted in laughter. Y/N, the popular girl staring at Klitz. Funny joke Mr. Stevens.

Your eyes met with Klitz’s. He gave you a small blushed smile before turning away, also equally as embarrassed from the joke. 

Fifteen minutes passed. You were bored out of your ever loving mind. You had to have a break from this mind numbing class. “Mr. Stevens?” you asked, raising your hand. “Yess Miss L/N,” he responded, still a bit bitter from the previous interaction. “Can I use the rest room?” you asked, peppily. He sighed. “Take the pass,” he sighed, going on with the lesson. As you were leaving, you made eye contact with Klitz once more. You nodded your head in the direction of the hallway, and dipped out faster than Mr. Stevens could notice. 

Klitz’s heart raced as he tried to think of a plan to leave (without it being so obvious). He noticed the jagged edge on the end of his pencil. The eraser was gone, and the metal had bent from him chewing on the end. A devious plan came to mind. Anything for you, his drug. 

He faked a sneeze, swiftly moving his pencil to cut his thumb open. “Fuck,” he swore, realizing the cut went deeper than intended. “Hey-” Mr. Stevens started to yell, but saw the blood dripping on Klitz’s papers. “Nurse’s.” he sighed, directing Klitz quickly out of the room. Klitz began heading in the direction of the nurses office, smirking over Steven’s stupidity. 

Klitz was very accident prone, so he was always prepared. He pulled the superman band aid out of his khakis pocket and placed it over the cut. Now all he had to do was find you.

Which was pretty easy. He found you standing outside the boys bathroom, texting on your new bright pink glitter flip phone. Your eyes lit up when you saw him. 

“What?” he asked, looking both ways before looking down at you again. You smiled and took his hand, slipping into the boys bathroom. “H-hey!” he yelled, but didn’t protest. 

Down the hallway, Eli and Matt were ditching. They both stopped, thinking they just heard Klitz. “Was that our boy?” Eli asked, looking down the hallway. They went to investigate.

You pulled Klitz into the nearest stall. Your lips were already on his as you locked the door behind you. “I thought you hated me Klitz,” you breathed between kisses. “I-I could never,” he said, holding your hands as he guided you to prop up on the toilet. Would be suspicious if a hall monitor decided to check in and see pink chunky clogs on the floor of the mens bathroom, especially with a pair of worn sneakers. You held his face in your hands, now very much taller than him. “I need you to do me a favor,” you smiled, rubbing his cheek with your thumb. “Anything,” he sighed, swooning over your beauty. “I-I couldn’t stop thinking about you. In there, at home. Klitz, baby, I need you to do me a big favor,” you said, getting closer to his ear. “Tell me,” he begged. “Eat me out in this fucking stall,”

Klitz’s got the stupidest grin formed on his face. “Let’s eat,” he muttered, moving your skirt over his head. Your soaked thong was useless, Klitz moved it aside. You let out a gasp when he touched you for the first time. Thank god there was no one else in this bathroom. 

Klitz was weak at first. You could tell he had never done this before. With the right guidance, he got his flow going. “Just like that, baby.” you whispered as his tongue wrapped around your clit. He let out a few moans as you grabbed onto his hair, making him move faster in his rhythm. 

Just then, the bathroom doors flew open. Klitz tried to move out from between your legs, but your hands forced him to stay so you wouldn’t fall. He started squirming when he heard the voices of his two friends. 

“I could have sworn I just heard him,” Eli said. You could hear him pacing around the bathroom. “Klitz!” Eli yelled out again, Matt shushed him. “Theres a dude taking a shit right there!” he whisper yelled to Eli. 

“Keep going,” you whispered to Klitz. “I’m almost there,”

The two boys went silent. Klitz prayed they didn’t just hear you, but dude was in pure bliss. This, by far has been the best thing to ever happen to him. Eating Y/N L/N’s pussy out in the middle of the day in a school bathroom. 

Matt looked down at Klitz’s shoes through the bottom of the stall. “Klitz?” he yelled, getting down on all fours and poking his head through the bottom of the stall. “Fuck!” you yelled, letting your legs fall to Klitz’s shoulders. “Matt what the fuck!” Klitz yelled, erupting a laugh fro Eli. “Shit, dude!” he yelled, rolling on his back to avoid the scene he just saw. “What! Lemme see!” Eli protested as Matt dragged him out of the bathroom.

Klitz stood there mortified, still holding you up against the bathroom wall. A smile shined on your face as a laugh erupted from you. “That was hilarious,” you laughed, touching your shoes down to the toilet brim. “D-did you…” Klitz said, too embarrassed to ask. “No,” you said. You weren’t about to lie. “But, doesn’t mean you haven't made me cum before,” you smirked, fixing his messy hair. 

The bell rang. “See you around, Klitzy.” you smiled, kissing his cheek. Walking so confidently out of the mens restroom, you left Klitz flabbergasted in the stall with a hard on. 

Let’s just say Klitz was late to sixth period. 

part 3

-

tag list: @dani5216 @uwiuwi @alohastyles-x @samanthacookieone @maddieinnit0

[bluecookies02]

When they make you cry

pairings: Hawks x Reader, Dabi x Reader, Bakugou x Reader, Aizawa x Reader, Izuku x Reader, Tamaki x Reader

Tamaki, Bakugou and Hawks are in a female!reader perspective, the rest of them are Gender Neutral

warnings: angst to fluff

masterlist

Hawks will get cocky, laughing in your face when he sees your shocked expression.

Both of you were going at each others throats, spitting insults to one another, just your recent daily routine.

Now Hawks knew you were a tough gal, which in his head made it alright for him to strike a really painful nerve into your chest.

As you remained speechless he turned around, a winning smirk plastered on his lips.

Just as he took a few steps forward, sobs wrecked your body as you hid your face in your hands.

"I d-don't think I can take this anymore Keigo" your broken voice reached his ears.

A pang of guilt pierced his chest once he turned around to face you.

He did this. He made you cry. He completely drained your happiness out. He hurt you.

His teeth dug into his lip, his eyes stinging as tears picked at them.

At that point, he didn't give two shits about who's right and who's wrong, his arms reaching for you and wrapping themselves around your shaking form.

He held you there for a while, listening to your cries that gradually turned into soft sniffles against his chest.

"I-" He opens his mouth but his words remained stuck at his throat.

"I don't want us to end..." you mumbled, your own words throwing you into another sobbing fit.

"We won't end here kid, I've got you...shit...I'm a fucking idiot...of course we won't end sweetheart...c'mon look at me" he raised your chin up gently, looking into your red eyes.

"I'm sorry, fuck I'm sorry...not just for today, for every day before this, I-, God... don't leave kid, p-please"

You stared at his face, tears now streaming down his cheeks as his grip on you tightened.

You swallow the lump in your throat, grabbing his hands in yours.

"Something has to change Keigo...I miss you...we've been distant for months. Sometimes you don't even come home to me, do you know how that feels?"

"I know, I know, I swear... I miss you too. I'll tell you about everything I promise. Let's go home please."

You hesitantly nod, putting your heart on the line for the last time.

And now looking back, you're glad you did.

//quirk: flesh manipulation (the reader can manipulate the molecules in a person's flesh just by touching it, making them useful mid-battle to make the other heroes ready to fight again in a matter of seconds, but also making them a threat to their enemies )

If there was one thing he despised about you, it was your guts.

Hell curse him for falling in love with someone so stubborn.

To live through a relationship with Dabi meant that you had to have though skin. You had to be strong enough to bite your cheeks and endure the issues that people in regular relationships never face.

He enters your home, covered in bruises and cuts, asking for your first aid kit.

You sigh to yourself, your usual nagging and yelling never reaching his ears.

You place the first aid kit onto your bedside table, turning your back to him, tiredly walking out of the room.

"Hey-" his voice calls out to you, quiet and confused.

You close the door behind you, making your way to your couch.

One of these days it'll be the last time he walks into your home, the last time you help him clean his cuts and the last time you hear his voice.

The weight of uncertainty pulls at your chest harder with every passing day.

He chose to continue living like this, he is the one that keeps ruining his own life, it's his ambitions that are making you this miserable.

Once he patches himself up, he sits on your bed for a while. Your silance meaning one thing and one thing only. You finally realized how pointless being with him is, you finally got it through your thick skull that he's nothing special to dwell about.

Time passes by quickly, a few hours already gone yet he's still glued to the same spot, not having the strength to leave your room, too scared to face your rejection once he gets out.

He should be happy for you, you won't be hurting anymore, you'll be able to find someone better.

He slowly twists the knob, taking slow steps through your living room.

You are laying on your couch, tear stains on your face and a tissue crumbled in your hand.

His chest tightenes at the sight. You cried yourself to sleep. He wonders... how many times did you cry over him? How many times would you just lay here as he carelessly roamed the streets?

He should leave...he should spare you the pain he brings. You were the only good thing in his life and by continuing this he'll ruin you, piece by piece.

You showed nothing but kindness to him, you made him realize that some people are worth getting close to, you being a hero also making his resolves shake under his feet.

He stretched his arm out to your cheek, careful not to wake you up.

He left a soft kiss to your temple before leaving your house.

-----

You woke up to a persistent ring of your doorbell.

You felt terrible...your hair was a mess, your nose was all clogged up and your eyes burned from all the crying.

You opened your door with annoyance, mad at whoever decided to burst your sadness bubble.

"Hey doll, I would've let myself in but my hands are kinda busy"

Your boyfriend stood there with a backpack on his shoulder and a carton box in his hands.

"So...do you happen to have a room to spare for a year or two...maybe three?"

You stare in disbelief your hand covering your mouth.

"I know that me being a villain might be a setback but...I got some hair dye? I might even consider letting you fix my jigsaw face."

Your body crashed into his, the box dropping to the ground as you squeezed your arms around him.

Maybe he can make you as happy as you make him.

You knew he was rough around the edges, but you never even imagined that you would be the one his rage would be directed at.

As soon as insults came crashing your way you left the room.

You were just trying to calm him down, placing your hand on his shoulder as you urged him to stop shouting and just let it go.

His rough hands grabbed yours, throwing your hand away like you were a mere fly, his quirk burning your skin.

You tried calling out to him just for him to snap around and scream at you.

Once you reached your dorm tears freely rolled down your cheeks.

You yearned for a normal relationship, longed for some peace and quiet just for a week or two.

Yet you just couldn't let the blonde go, always hoping for some miracle to come your way and take ahold of his ego.

--------

It's around 2 am and he can't fall asleep for the hell of it.

You're not picking up his calls nor answering his texts and you've been inactive on social media for hours.

Kirishima has been urging him to go to your dorm for two hours already, spamming him massages about him not being manly enough to win you back.

It's not like he doesn't want to, he just has no idea how to. Should he get you something? Get you some food and flowers? Where the fuck can he find all these things at 2 am? Isn't that how people in movies apologize or something...

He hates when you're mad at him, he is scared shitless of actually scaring you off and pushing you away.

A knock at your door snaps you out of your thoughts and a small flame of hope warms your heart for a split second as you make your way to your door.

He's holding a gray hoodie and a pair of bento boxes.

"That's not gonna fix it Katsuki."

"I know shitty woman you didn't even give me a chance to speak!"

You're sure that that's the first time Bakugou said the word "sorry" in his whole life.

The way it rolled off his tongue was shaky but somewhat determined, his hand grabbing ahold of yours gently.

Guilt was evident on his face as he stroked the bandages covering your hands.

"It's not that bad Katsu, and I understand that it was an accident." you mumbled trying to pull from his grip so he can focus on something else.

He grabbed ahold of your wrists, bringing your palms to his lips.

"I'll work on it, I promise. It'll never happen again. I mean it." you just give a soft nod, leading him to the table.

"Good. Now let's eat, breakfast is the most important meal of the day!" you cheered, opening the bentos and stuffing your mouth with rice.

"Y/N...it's 4 am."

"Exactly, now eat, you're not gonna let me eat all of this by myself?!"

For this man, it was close to impossible to make his s/o cry.

He cherishes the relationship he has with you, making you feel special every single day at a time.

So when he sees you crying, he's confused and alarmed.

He reaches for you, trying his best to give you the comfort he thinks you need.

When you push his hands away and scream at him...Oh boy...

He's terrified.

Did he do something? Did he forget your anniversary? Your birthday? Did he eat your snack from the fridge??

You're pulling at the strands of your hair, your head buried into your knees as you sob.

He looks around, eyes widening when he sees a photo of himself and some girl kissing on the screen of your phone.

He wasn't there? He has proof! He was in a meeting! All of his colleagues could confirm that, he just needs you to listen! Please listen to him.

He's talking...blabbering...begging for you to just look at him.

As soon as you look up for a split second, he's hugging you, smothering your face in kisses as you weakly try to push him away.

Finally he leans his forehead against yours, letting out a long sigh of relief when he realizes that you're not crying anymore.

"Please Shouta, please, if you even have any respect for me, don't lie to me." you mumble out coldly, turning your head from him.

"Y/N, I would never, ever do that to you! Never! I love you so much, please, you have to know that, you do know that!"

You're too stubborn, but he calls all of his colleges one by one, putting them on speaker for you, asking about the time of the meeting or details of the meeting and they all have the same answer.

So now, your throat is dry and there's a lump in your throat, guilt eating at you as you try to apologize.

He couldn't give two shits about any of that, all he has to know is that you're okay and that you're still his.

He's not letting you go for the rest of the day, you're wrapped under the blankets with him as he makes sure you never believe the bullshit you see online.

"Sweetheart if I ever cheat on you, that's the day I cut my own dick off and bleed to death."

It makes you giggle and then laugh hysterically and he's just looking at you with the biggest heart eyes 🥺

Izuku would never do anything to make you cry.

He pays attention to every single detail in your relationship and he especially pays attention to your feelings.

What he is really bad at, is taking care of himself.

He doesn't take in consideration how you feel when he comes home all stitched up and tired, or how he stays up late to train and push himself further than his body can take.

However one day, he is exhausted from his training and he barely has any strength left. His phone rings and he is rushing out the door, already panting.

You don't reach him in time to stop him, so here you are, hours later next to his hospital bed.

The villain wasn't too powerful, but his state caused him to pass out in the middle of the bettle field.

As soon as he wakes up, you're yelling at him, but at the same time sobbing against his chest.

"I can't just stand here and watch you hurt yourself Zuku... I can't, I can't, I can't....O-one of these days you're just gonna slip away from my hands, I can't. Please" You're grip on him softens as you loose the strength in your hands.

His arms wrap themselves around you, trying his best not to flinch as you rub against his bandages.

His eyes are watering, realization dawning on him as he holds your tired body against him.

You're right...He sees the state of himself after a lowlife villain with a pathetic quirk sent him into the hospital. He doesn't even want to think about what would've happened if there was someone much stronger out there.

"Hey Y/N...I-...I might take a week off, to rest yeah? Does that sound good?"

You nod, wiping away the tears as you sniffle.

"And you won't be training at night anymore. And you won't be staying up late!" you scold as he rubs your cheeks.

"I won't. I promise." he places a kiss at your temple, pulling you onto the hospital bed next to him.

"Let's sleep for a bit yeah? I might owe you a few hours..."

You're crying, he's crying.

He's down on one knee and he's stuttering, his hands shaking as he hears you cry out a happy "Yes".

He barely gets the ring on your finger, burying his head into your neck as soon as he gets to his feet.

You always thought that he was going to propose to you at home, maybe some homecooked dinner with roses and candles. You didn't mind that option either.

You were surprised that he even suggested a walk in the park.

I mean, it was a really small park with little to no people in the area but it was beautiful nonetheless.

You're all giddy and happy as he takes your hand in his, his eyes always glancing at the ring on your finger.

Once you spot an ice cream stand you leap in happiness, rushing to get ice cream for the both of you.

The lady selling it smiles brightly at you.

"Is that the lucky guy?" you nod grabbing your icecream as Tamaki hides behind you.

"Good job sweetheart, you're making this lady very happy, I can feel it in my old bones" you laugh at her remark as you nudge Tamaki forward.

She hands him his ice cream and winks at him.

He's blushing and thanking the lady before running off to an empty bench.

”He’s a lil’ shy but he's got the spirit” you say to the lady as you rush off to get him.

You take the time to really study the ring, the beautiful blue crystal shining in the sun.

”I...I hope you l-like it...Nejire helped me out. Uhm I probably shouldn't have said that...S-she-"

"I like it Tama...I love it actually" you place a gentle kiss just at the corner of his lips, his hands grabbing your cheeks and kissing you deeply in return.

His cheeks are warm and his lips are slow against yours but you melt against him, letting him place you in his lap.

"Oh my God, I have a fiancé, oh my God, I have to call Mirio and tell him you said yes. You said yes, right?"

You laugh as you shake your head at him, playing with his hair as he fumbles with his phone.

All of the pictures are from the original anime/manga (please do correct me if I'm wrong in the comments below)

The Tamaki one has no angst in it because I had to heal from all of the emotional rollercosters.

___________

requests:closed

commissions:open

Ko-Fi | Patreon 

[calmthefuckdownalright]

So I've read some of your writing and was wondering if you'd consider doing a HC's for the Bur's of your AU's in like how they would react with rejection?

Also happy Spooky Season!! 🎃

Ah yes, the thing we all fear. Rejection. Hardcore actually going to be difficult to write because I myself have never been rejected due to the fact I've never been the one to ask someone out due to a paralyzing terror of our topic 😃

(Also yay first HC!)

But I will do my best ✨

Front Lines of L'manBur (pun intended)🎼

Let's just say tears were shed...in private. Where no one could see him. Specifically on a hill in the middle of nowhere in the dead of night.

When F.L.o.L-Bur loves and puts his heart on the line he does it with full intent of possibly spending the rest of his life with that person so to be rejected/friendzoned would shatter him

Definitely a drama queen if you knock down one of his flirtatious comments

Angel AU Phantombur💀

Plays it off as a joke while secretly dying inside

No like really he starts to decay slowly inside which he has to get drunk on regen. potions to fix

I picture Phantombur kind of like a swan in this instance. They can actually die from a broken heart so to have his Angel deny him finally removes that smug smile off his face

Although he seems perfectly normal to everyone else and seems to brush off your rejection, the whole S.B.I crew knows he's a wreck over it and Philza has to remind him to eat

Ranboo almost burns down the potion shop from Phantombur's absence as he's terrified that you'll walk into the business and he'll have to face you one-on-one again

So. Many. Cigarettes.

Workplace AU Simpbur🌷

The world has ended. It's done. He took a leap of faith and plummeted to the ground

But really Simpbur accepts your decision but that doesn't stop him from openly expressing his affection and still trying to win you over. Some things he keeps to himself

If you can't be his now then he'll make sure you can in the future. Anyone who flirts with you gets a dark look from the lanky, but fairly muscled, guitarist.

All competition is eliminated and soon enough you'll begin to wonder why everyone who seems interested in you backs off until only one option remains. Him.

Then he'll have you and he won't ever let you go. So to summarize, Simpbur refuses to accept you'd deny him so he makes himself the only one who would want you.

Ghostbur💙

Oh poor Ghostbur...

When you told him you'd only love Alivebur and could never be with him in that way it hurt so much

Honestly I imagine him kind of getting into a realm of self-loathing for a split second. Kind of in a scenario of "why can't I be more like him?"

Actually now that I think about it that would make a great Spooky Season piece-

Ghostbur would kind of be a combination of Phantombur and Simpbur in the situation. He would attempt to make himself as much like Alivebur as possible, even going as far as experimenting with explosives once (spoilers: Philza did NOT like that).

Ghostbur would try his best to keep your friendship, your presence. He wants to be near you all the time even if you reject his affection that doesn't stop him from comforting you and giving you blue or lending you Friend whenever you seem a little down.

As of how he seems like Phantombur? Ghostbur would carry on in his duties down in the sewers when you weren't around and try and distract himself from the horrible pain in his chest.

°~•°~•°~•°~•~°•~°~•

These are the 3 AU's on my list but if you want specific HC's for a specific version of C!Wilbur in my writings please specify. Ofc I had to add Ghostbur just because I've written quite a bit of him and I'll never pass up a chance to write our wonderful ghost-man.

Happy Spooky Season to you Anon! 🎃

[dp-marvel94]

hi!! i just got your prompts for the truce and i wanted to check if you have any headcanons about the clones, dark danny, or danny as a dad?

(i will also probably be rewatching the ultimate enemy and kindred spirits to get more info considering it has been a hot minute for me XD) 💚💚💚

Hi! Thank you for asking! I'll try to keep this brief, since I could go on for hours and do need to go to sleep at some point. XD

Clones- All the clones were/are self aware, not mindless like they're treated in the episode. They're all siblings, including Dani(I usually call her Elle) and love each other very much. I like the idea of them all coming back as full ghosts. But them being stabilized and actually being half ghosts with humans forms is really great too. Either way, they're free of Vlad now and explore the Ghost Zone and/or Earth as a family.

The names I usually use from the are:

Damian/Dami for the Tiny Clone

Ezekiel/Zeke for the Skeletal Clone

Prometheus/Pro for the Muscly clone

Daniel/Niel for the Prime "perfect" clone

Dark Danny- For his characterization, I usually treat him as Danny but older and evil. There is some influence from Vlad but more what you'd expect from living with someone for a while. And not from having any of Plasmuis' memories or personality. My headcanon for why he decided to destroy everything- he wanted the pain to go away at a universal scale; if they were no one around, there would be no one in pain. It's a very twisted version of his motivation for splitting in the first place. I love the idea that he secretly regrets killing Fenton, his Danny. That act was part suicide (He was Danny and Danny didn't want to live anymore), part mercy killing (His human self wanted to die so he made it happen), and part fit of rage (He was angry about being rejected by himself, by his other half). But in the end he really regrets doing that because with his human half gone, he's incomplete. Maybe, if he'd died full as Danny Fenton-Phantom, as Danny the half ghost, then he wouldn't be here. Or he'd been a full ghost but still completely himself. But a part of him is gone and he'll never be whole, never really be himself again.

Maybe he's wrong about this and not as far gone as he thinks. Maybe the part of him that's Danny Fenton, the part that feeling, loves, and hurts, is still there, inside of him. Maybe it's an echo, a memory, an imprint. Or maybe it's something else.

Danny as a dad- He's a good father. :) Danny's a big hugger just like his own dad is. He loves playing with his kids, teaching them about their powers. I think he has a bit of angst of the idea of his kids inheriting his ghostliness. They'll always be right on the edge like him, not quite human and not quite ghost. It's a hard thing to face and he doesn't want his kids to have to face the pains that came with that but there's also a comfort that they'll never have to go it alone like he did.

I love the idea of Danny call his kids "His little one(s)" when they're young, like baby or toddler age. I saw that used in @floralflowerpower 's "A Bolt from the Green" and it absolutly melts my heart. I ended up using that in my one dad!Danny story too. It's called "Offspring of my Ectoplasm. My child." Bare with me for the strange start but in that one, Danny ends up with a son due to weird ghostly asexual reproduction. He and Sam end up naming the little guy Jackson. I don't really have any other preferred names for Danny's kids but feel free to use that one.

Also, if it doesn't weird you out, weird ghostly reproduction is a fun way for children to be acquired. As is Vlad cloning Danny again and Danny adopting said infant clone. Also the more typical ways that human's have kids. XD

[scarasimplysimping]

Run Away

Scaramouche x GNReader

Sypnosis: Scaramouche remembers the time you invited him to elope with you.

Angst?

How young you both were. Naive, impulsive, and reckless. You both wouldn't last a day on your own. Scaramouche was sure to have made the right choice in rejecting you. At least, this is what he tells himself to ease the budding regret at the back of his head.

It was so vivid. The dark haired boy tried not to think about it; He really did yet he always found his thoughts trailing back to that night in his free time. It would've been a beautiful memory had it's circumstances not been so tragic.

The midnight before he became a harbringer, Scaramouche was perched on the terrace of his home with his head resting on his palm, counting the stars with a displeased and bored look.

"Scaramouche, Scaramouche, let down your hair!" The soon-to-be harbringer hears your voice from below.

His whole form perked up instantly as he ran to the railings of the terrace and sure enough, you were down there, grinning ever so mischievously.

"Quiet, you moron! Someone will hear you!" He shouts back, attempting to sound uninterested but the small curve at the corner of his lips gave away his true emotions.

You stare up at his form, illuminated by the moon. How majestic and alluring. Careful now, it would be embarrassing if he caught you drooling over him in his pajamas.

Gathering your thoughts, you start to climb your way to him. Scaramouche could only look at you with an amused expression.

"I have a ladder y,know." He says nonchalantly.

"Is it for climbing when you want to kiss me? Cause... Yknow. You're short." You joke, not bothering to look up knowing he was probably glaring holes into you by now.

"I am tempted to throw it at you sometimes."

One last step and you were sat on the railings, your faces, inches away from each other. Neither of you dare say a word that could ruin the moment for a few seconds. Perhaps both of you were trying to engrave this somewhat romantic scene into your vault of memories.

Something about his pretty purple eyes drew you in so you take this opportunity to steal a quick kiss from his lips.

Scaramouche feels the heat rising to his cheeks as he huffs in surprise. Trying to find words but ultimately failing.

"So... sixth harbringer, huh?" You start as you leap off from the railings and land closer to him.

He takes a step back to regain his composure. Going back to the bored expression he had earlier. It was clear that he didn't want to talk about this.

"Yes. Well, would you suggest someone more worthy for the title than I?" Scaramouche says rhetorically in an arrogant tone.

"Do you want it though?" You ask, leaning on the railings, with your back facing him.

You couldn't see him but you could tell he hesitated to answer. And that one split second of hesitation was enough for you to muster up your courage.

"Run away with me." You say sternly, turning to him again so you could take in his expression.

Scaramouche feels his heart beating faster in his chest, he's almost afraid you might hear it.

He chuckles nervously in response, not sure if you were joking or being serious. "Don't be stupid. You can't just waltz your way out of here."

You shake your head, glad that he was actually considering it. "Just say the word. I promise you I'll handle everything."

So you weren't joking. Still, Scaramouche wouldn't follow through with something so ridiculous and unprepared. "We've never even set foot outside of Snezhnaya."

You continue to press. "I've read enough books. Seen enough maps. We'll work it out!"

Your eyes glow with eagerness and hope, Scaramouche could almost feel himself falling more in love with you more than he already was... not almost. He actually was.

The dark haired boy starts to contemplate more on the idea of starting a whole new life with you.

"We could travel all across Teyvat." He says subconsciously.

You interlace your fingers with his, thinking you both were really gonna do this.

"Maybe settle down in Monstadt." You suggest.

"The city of freedom." He adds, locking eyes with you.

"Just a normal couple doing normal couple things." You smile, and in turn that makes him smile.

Scaramouche lays his head on your shoulder. Thinking about the beautiful future you both could have together, worrying not of combat training or fatui business. Growing old, maybe even having children, then grandchildren. Dreams of an amazing future together.

But dreams remain dreams.

You both snap out of it when you hear a knock at the door.

All of the sudden, you're back to reality and he still was gonna become a harbringer tomorrow and you're still going to lose him.

"Sir, the Tsaritsa would like to have a word." The voice at the other side of the door calls. A fatui agent.

You find a place to hide for a bit as he rudely shoos off the poor man.

Once the uninvited guest was gone, you give him a sneaky back-hug, with the hopes that the plans were still on.

"I can't." Scaramouche says in a defeated tone.

You're eyebrows furrow, slowly you let go of him. "Of course you can! Just pack a few bags and we'll be off before dusk."

"No. No one has ever went against the Tsaritsa's will and lived to tell the tale." Scaramouche states.

"You won't be going against her! Just moving away from her." You try convincing him in a shaky voice.

"No. (Y/N), listen to me. Even if we did leave we have nothing to feed ourselves. No money, no family, no authority-"

"Authority? Is that why you want to stay so bad? Because of your little power fantasy?" You retorted, later regretting it as you see the hurt in his face.

The expression quickly turns into anger. "How dare you even accuse me of that. Who do you think you are!?"

"Well I thought I was your lover."

You both stare each other down as the room's atmosphere grows heavier.

It pained him to fight with you and fights were never this serious. And Scaramouche was scared that one more persuasive sentence from you would cause him to give in, follow his heart, sweep you of your feet, and be on your way to springvale by tomorrow.

So he said what he thought he had to say, "Lover? You're just a fling. Give me a break. You're a fool if you really thought whatever we had was going anywhere." It broke his heart to lie but Scaramouche was great at hiding his sadness, or rather, disguising it with anger.

After all, you continuing to be with him as he was a harbringer would put your life in peril. He was doing the right thing... but then why did it feel so wrong?

You feel tears running down your cheeks but you still refused to believe him. How well you could see through him. Or so you hope. "You're lying."

He turns his back to you for fear of his own tears giving him away.

Scaramouche lets out a forced groan. Out of desperation, he lists things he hates about you. Personal things he didn't actually hate but had to pretend he hated. His voice laced with venom and anger, not towards you but rather the Fatui, the Tsaritsa, even the whole of Snezhnaya and it's damn snow for putting the both of you in this situation.

"-I hate that you think you can read me. I hate it when you try acting all lovey dovey with me it's disgusting. And I hate you for making me want to just kiss you right now and forget about everything but us." He lets the last part slip.

Silence

Scaramouche turns to you. You're not there. Not anymore.

Filled with regret, he runs to the railings and tries to search for you but not a trace. Not a damn trace of you and it seems you took his heart with you too.

That was the last time he saw you. Scaramouche can't help but sigh sharply everytime he recalls that night. But he treasures it. He treasures every moment he spent with you and promised to himself that when all of this is over, he will find you again and you'll finally run away, hand in hand.

[watchmegetobsessed]

REMINDER

a/n: i’ve had this idea on my mind all weekend and finally got around to write it! just a short little oneshot of Bucky finally realizing he should make his move 😌

pairing: Bucky X Reader

warnings: blood, gunshot

word count: 3.7k

masterlist

(gif is not mine)

Bucky hated Tony’s luxurious parties, but as part of the team, he could just never avoid them, someone always came into his room and forced him to join the others, telling him it would be so much fun. It was never. He doesn’t even know what he would find fun anymore, having his life back after all these torturous years, it’s hard to find what brings him happiness, but schmoozing with Tony’s friends and the team and all the agents is just not his cup of tea. He would rather hide in his room, read a book or catch up with whatever show he has been watching lately.

The night he met you was a similar one. Steve was the first one to drop by his room, trying to convince him to get dressed and join the rest of the team for a drink, but Bucky resisted until his friend gave up and left, but then came Natasha. She just always knew how to play the strings to make him do what she wanted. After a bit of persuasion he finally agreed to make an appearance, though he made it clear he wouldn’t be there too long.

After changing into a pair of dark jeans and a black long sleeved shirt that hid his metal arm quite well, he made his way to the party, already feeling grumpy that he had to socialize. It was just like the last time. He got himself a drink, talked a little to Steve, then Banner and Nat and then hid in the corner of the room, avoiding any new faces, not in the mood to introduce himself. He was about to sneak out and go back to his room finally when he first saw you.

You were a relatively new agent in the tower. Having only been there for a few weeks, you didn’t have the chance to meet Bucky since he was on a mission up until a few days ago. You were a bit of a social butterfly, it didn’t take you too long to make friends in the Tower and you found yourself getting the closest to Wanda for some reason.

When Bucky saw you that evening you were talking to her near a high table, nursing a drink in your hands. You wore a white, tight dress that made it no secret how much all the training had helped to form your body through the years. He couldn’t hear your voice, but when he saw your smile, he swore his heart skipped a beat.

Your eyes caught his gaze lingering on you and he quickly turned away, feeling his cheeks growing hot, as if he was a kid caught red-handed of something troublesome. Bucky hoped you didn’t notice it or that he didn’t cross any lines, asking for another drink for himself he was planning to chug the whole thing down and then leave before he could embarrass himself any more. What he was not expecting was you making your way towards him to introduce yourself to the man you’d only heard about, but hadn’t met. He was so busy with making up his plan about how to escape and then thanking his drink to the bartender, that he didn’t even notice you approaching him. So when he turned to the left and was about to walk away he bumped right into you, some of his vodka soda spilling to your dress, making it stick to your skin on your thigh.

“Oh shit, I-I’m so sorry, I didn’t—I wasn’t looking, I’m so so—“

“It’s alright,” you chuckled, shrugging your shoulders as you grabbed a few napkins from the bar to soak up some of the wetness.

“I totally ruined it, right? I’ll buy you another dress or pay for this one, I’m so sorry,” he kept rambling, feeling like a total idiot.

“It’s just a dress,” you smiled at him warmly. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Well, it’s… it’s a pretty dress,” Bucky found himself saying and when he saw your eyebrows raising, he almost wanted to take it back.

“I’m afraid we haven’t met before. I’m Agent Y/L/N and you must be Sergeant Barnes,” you smiled at him, holding out a hand for him that he took and delicately shook.

“Just… call me Bucky,” he nodded with a shy smile and that was the start of something new in his life.

He found himself bumping into you all the time, in the controlling room, the gym, the kitchen, you were everywhere. Though it might not had been that coincidental, Bucky found himself learning your routine pretty fast and made his own schedule according to that. He couldn’t help it, you were the sweetest and most beautiful creature he had ever seen and he found himself being drawn to you. And you didn’t mint it, not even a bit. A special bond started to form between the two of you, movie nights, shared missions, runs around the city, you always had something to do together and Bucky was falling for you more and more with every passing day.

Nat and Steve liked to tease him about his growing feelings, but utterly with the intention of forcing him to make a move finally.

“What are you waiting for, Barnes?” Nat questioned him one afternoon when she caught him eyeing you in the controlling room.

“What are you talking about?” he cleared his throat, pretending like he had no idea, but he wasn’t a good actor.

“Just ask her out.”

“No,” he shook his head, folding his arms on his chest.

“Why not? She has the same heart eyes for you that you have for her,” she rolled her eyes nodding in your way. You were sitting behind a desk, oblivious to the conversation that was happening across the room.

“She is just friendly. That’s all we are. Friends.”

“We are friends, Barnes. You and her? That’s more than that,” Nat pointed it out and he looked in your way, chewing on his bottom lip as he watched you type something out on the computer. As if you could feel his gaze on you, you looked up, eyes meeting his and a warm smile tugging on your lips. Bucky could feel his heart fluttering in his chest, just like every time you looked at him with those bright eyes of yours.

He couldn’t bring himself to make an actual move. He was always so afraid you’d reject him and the friendship you shared was one of the most important things in his life. He didn’t want to risk losing it. Besides, he always thought he would have time to figure out what to do. Even if he decided to confess to you, he couldn’t just do it out of the blue, he needed time which he thought he had. It was up until the two of you went on a mission together and it didn’t go according to plan.

You were supposed to stay together during the raid, but you convinced him to split up when you started chasing some bad guys and they parted ways.

“It’s going to be fine, Bucky. You go that way and I’ll meet you by the jet, alright?” you told him before running off the other direction. He wanted to go after you, not let you go alone, but he didn’t listen to his instinct.

Now he is running through the maze of hallways after you asked for help through the com. Natasha is on her way too, but she is way farther from your location than he is.

“Y/N? Are you alright?” he calls out, trying to find the right way. Gunshots are heard outside and Tony makes some stupid joke about Steve, but Bucky ignores it, he just wants to hear your voice.

“Yeah, but I’m out of bullets, hurry—“

A series of gunshots rips through the com and he hears your painful grunt, the sound of your whimper turning his blood cold right away.

“Y/N! Y/N what happened?!” he shouts, speeding down the hallways leading to the place where you’re supposed to be according to your tracker.

“I got—Shit I got shot,” you groan, the end fading out as your voice breaks.

He bursts through the double door and immediately sees the man that most likely shot you, holding up his gun Bucky shoots him in the chest so fast the guy didn’t even have time to aim at him.

“Y/N!” he calls out, frantically looking for you.

“Bucky!” he hears your faint voice coming from behind a desk. He sprints to you, kneeling down next to you and horror shakes through his whole body when he sees the relatively big pool of blood around you as you try to push your hands to the wound on your thigh. “I think… I think it grazed an artery,” you faintly tell him, a few tears rolling down your cheek.

“Fuck, no, no, stay with me, okay? You’re gonna be fine!” he tells you, ripping off the sleeve of his shirt, wrapping it around your leg as tight as possible to try to stop the bleeding. “Y/N was shot, she is losing blood rapidly. We need to get her out now!” he demands through the com while you are slowly losing your consciousness. “Don’t fall asleep, alright? Stay with me! Talk to me!” he begs you as he cradles you into his arms and heads out to the jet.

“I can’t…” you breathe out, your head falling to his shoulder as he carries you in bridal style.

“Of course you can. And you will. You are not dying on me, understood?”

“It’s not like… I have a choice,” you tell him with a faint smile, your eyes slowly closing.

“Y/N, don’t fall asleep! Just hang in there a little longer!”

He makes it out of the building, Natasha and Steve joining him on the way, the jet already waiting for them. You try to keep your eyes open, Bucky keeps asking you questions and doesn’t leaves you until he hears an answer.

“This was not how I imagined my death,” you mumble, lying on the floor of the jet as it takes off, heading back to the Tower where Dr. Cho is already waiting for you.

“It’s not that, Y/N, that’s not happening now. Just stay with me okay?” Bucky begs you, holding your hand in his while Natasha works on your leg, trying her best to keep you from losing any more blood.

“So eager to keep me alive, hmm?” you smile, eyes dropping closed, but Bucky squeezes your hand, making you to look at him.

“Of course. I still owe you a new dress, don’t I?” he tries to joke, but you don’t answer. You lost your fight and let yourself lose consciousness as Bucky keeps calling your name over and over again, but you never answer him.

The next twenty-four hours is a blur to both you and him as well. For him because he refuses to leave your side once you are out of Dr. Cho’s hands, he stays sitting on the uncomfortable chair by your bed no matter what as members of the team drop by every once in a while. And for you because you keep drifting in and out of consciousness, but you’re never strong enough to actually open your eyes, you only hear voices. Mostly Bucky’s.

One time you hear him talking to Steve, their voices sound distant, but you can understand the words clearly.

“I shouldn’t have let her go alone,” Bucky mumbles under his breath.

“It wasn’t your fault. You couldn’t have known this would happen,” Steve tries to convince her, but it sounds like Bucky is too stubborn to listen to his friend.

“We were supposed to stay together. It was my fault.”

You want to protest. You want to tell him it was none of his fault, but you can’t bring yourself to speak and the darkness pulls you in again, cutting you off of the world. Next time your mind wakes up, you hear Natasha’s soothing voice.

“Why don’t you go and sleep a little? I’ll stay with her,” she offers and that’s when you feel a warm hold on your left hand.

“No,” Bucky answers from beside you. “I’m staying, but thanks.”

“Alright, are you hungry then? I can bring you something.”

“I’m fine,” he answers shortly and you can tell just from his voice that he is so broken, beating himself over what happened. But once again, you are not strong enough to speak and you fall back asleep again.

But the third time you wake up you can actually bring yourself to open your eyes. The bright neon lights are a little blinding, so you need to blink a few times before you get used to them. It takes a couple of seconds to take in your surroundings and then your eyes fall on the sitting form next to your bed.

Bucky is reading a book you gave him a few weeks ago, it’s the first Hunger Games, you thought he would like the story a lot and judging from how far he is in it, he really does. He is so lost between the lines that he doesn’t realize that your eyes opened.

“Bucky?” you call out, your throat feels as dry as a desert and his blue eyes immediately snap at you, putting the book aside as he leans forward to grab your hand gently in his again.

“Hey! You’re awake! How are you feeling?” he asks you, brushing a strand of hair out of your forehead.

“Like shit,” you chuckle, making him smile as well, but his eyes still hold a lot of pain from seeing you like this. “I’m thirsty.”

“Here.” He grabs a bottled water from the bedside table and pours some into a paper cup, helping you drink it and you feel like you were reborn.

“Thanks. What… How long have I been out?” you ask, pushing yourself up a bit so you’re leaning against the headboard.

“A little over a day. Dr. Cho said it could take you a few days to wake up after all the blood you lost.”

Now that he has brought it up, you realize that your thigh is wrapped up, a constant, blunt pain gripping your nerves. You push the white covers off of yourself so you can take a look at the slightly bloody bandages hugging your leg. You already know it will leave a nasty scar on you.

“I should have been there,” Bucky speaks up seeing you eyeing your leg. You look at him shaking your head.

“No. You couldn’t have known and I was the one who told you to go the other way. It wasn’t your fault.”

“But I could have just told you no. I should have.”

“Bucky, stop,” you breathe out, gripping his hand tight in your hold. “You brought me out of there, practically saved my life. If anything I should be thanking you.”

“But I shouldn’t have let it happen in the first pla—“

“Shut up, Sergeant,” you chuckle softly. “I’m still here, aren’t I? Isn’t that all that matters?”

Bucky’s face softens as he stares back at you nodding shortly. He can’t even describe how thankful he is to hear your voice again, the silence in the room was like torture for him, watching you lie on the bed completely still and there was nothing he could do to help you. But now he has you back and this whole fiasco made him realize that he doesn’t have all the time in the world with you.

Your recovery is faster than expected thanks to Helen’s amazing work. Two days after you woke up you are dismissed and you are back in your own room. Bucky has been by your side all along and you had to send him back to his room during the night because he wanted to sleep in that uncomfortable chair again. Eventually you convinced him to get some sleep but he was already in the room when you woke up in the morning. Now that you are out of medical care he is still following you like a little puppy, ready to do anything you need help with.

“You know, I just have to use my clutch for a few more days, but I’m totally fine,” you chuckle when he helps you put your stuff away arriving back to your room while you lie down.

“I know, but I want to help,” he smiles, nodding shortly. “And… I have something for you,” he then adds with a boyish smile.

“A surprise?”

“An ‘I’m glad you didn’t die during mission’ surprise,” he smirks, making you chuckle. He shuffles out of the room and then returns with a baby blue paper bag in his hands. Walking over to the bed he sits to the edge handing the gift to you.

“When did you have time to buy it? You never even left my side,” you ask with a suspicious look.

“Nat helped me a little,” he admits with a nervous chuckle. You dig into the bag and your fingers find a soft material, making you gasp before you could even see the item. You just already know what it is. Pulling out you’re staring at a white dress, similar to the one you wore at the party the two of you met officially. The one he spilled his drink on and promised to buy a new one.

“Bucky, you shouldn’t have,” you breathe out, eyes softening at the man who is now eyeing you with a gentle look, clearly feeling shy and nervous about the gift.

“I don’t know if you remember it but when we were in the jet I told you I still owe you one,” he explains as you lay the fabric across your legs, smoothing your hand over the silky fabric as you smile to yourself.

“I do remember that. Actually, that’s the last thing I remember.”

“I wanted to keep my word,” he mumbles under his breath.

Pushing yourself up from the bed you are about to head into the bathroom when he stops you in panic.

“Where are you going?” he asks, clearly wanting you to return to bed.

“I’m gonna try it on, don’t you want to see me in it?” you ask coyly and you see his cheeks blushing at your question before he just nods shortly.

It’s a little challenging to put it on, but you manage to succeed, walking out with your clutches, bare feet and your hair in a messy ponytail, but still, Bucky’s breath gets caught in his chest when he sees you. Suddenly, you feel self-conscious about the way you look, especially with the ugly bandages on your thigh that peek out from under the dress. Stepping to the mirror next to your dresser you take a look at yourself, expression hardening when you see that the scar will probably be seen from under most of your dresses once it’s healed. You try to tug the dress down a little to hide the bandage, but there’s no use, it’s showing no matter what.

Bucky realizes what you’re doing and stepping closer to you he takes your hand that’s fumbling with the fabric and keeps it between his palms.

“All my previous battle wounds are hidden somewhere, but this one will be on full display,” you whisper sadly, eyes dropping to the floor. Bucky cups your cheek in his hand and makes you look up into his eyes with a soft smile on his lips.

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“I know, I just…” you sigh, not even sure what you wanted to say.

“You know, in a way this…” He starts, brushing his fingers through the bandage gently. “This is going to be a reminder for me.”

“A reminder?”

“Yeah,” he nods. “Because I always thought I have all the time in the world with you, but I almost lost you. And I don’t want to waste any more time.”

His hands find your waist, pulling you into his embrace as your palms slide up his arms to the base of his neck. You are both so nervous to be this close without sparring, your heart is beating so fast, he can probably hear it, but he feels the same way.

“If you think of me as just a friend, now might be the best time to tell me,” he whispers with a soft chuckle that makes you smile too. You lean closer, your nose touching his, lips almost brushing against each other.

“You are so much more than that,” you breathe out before he closes the gap between the two of you, kissing you the way he wanted to so many times before.

It’s like the rest of the world stops existing, there’s only you and him, his lips on yours, fingers digging into your waist, flesh and metal ones as well, bunching your dress under his touch as you press up against him, your kisses growing hungrier with each passing moment.

When it’s just about to get a little more heated, someone clears their throat and you are forced to snap back to reality, seeing Steve and Nat standing at the door, watching the two of you grinning widely.

“Just wanted to check on you Y/N to see if you need help with anything, but you clearly have everything you need,” Natasha teases you, making your cheeks heating up as you rest your forehead against Bucky’s shoulder, his arms circling around you tight, hands running up and down your back soothingly.

“Glad to see you finally made your move, Bucky,” Steve nods smirking.

“Alright, alright. The show is over, guys,” Bucky waves them off. Natasha winks at you before leaving the two of you alone.

“We will never hear the end of this,” you growl, your head dropping back, but Bucky just smiles and kisses your forehead sweetly.

“If they keep teasing us we’ll just kick their ass,” he grins making you laugh before you press your lips against his again in a short, chaste kiss.

“Deal.”

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