#do you like my space metaphors?
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I've seen a perfect protostar
I've seen a triple quasar, but
I've never seen a dwarf planet go this hard!
#i had no idea this guy was an internet sensation#Tom Cardy#H.S#Beck: The OST#do you like my space metaphors?#SoundCloud
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whoever needs to hear this: if you got a disability, if you donāt know if you have something, if you ever think āitās not that badā if you have a thing about guilt, if youāre ill, Anything: listen. it is okay to throw things away.
you can throw it away. if it sucks and it stresses you the fuck out, if you just āneed the right time to fix itā for the past 3 months. or years. if you loved it once upon a time but it makes you feel kinda weird and guilty now. if itās a jacket youve reaaaally been meaning to mend and then donate. a jar of sauce that āall you have to doā is clean out to recycle but itās been a week and now thereās a small colony growing in it. slowly shredding to bits fabric scraps you plan to use to fix something. busted picture frame. cracked mug. old shoes. extra box. an entire pack of granola bars that you hate so much but donāt want to waste.
life is already so goddamn difficult for us. i know you still care about recycling and the environment and sustainability. but itās okay, i promise. sometimes you have to take care of your space. sometimes you have to cut your losses so you can actually have energy to recycle the next thing. get rid of the old shirt before it turns into a tornado pile of guilt under the bed. youāre not a bad person. you can throw this one away.
#idk if marie kondo talked about trash in this way but i do remember something about her philosophy helping me with the guilt aspect of this#like the ability to thank something for the service it provided you but recognize that youāve grown beyond it. yes even for dumb tshirts#feeling very chatty today lol.#text#disability#uhhh idk what else to tag#cleaning#environmentalism is one of my great passions#but everyone has to recognize they cannot be activists 100% of the time and do the right thing 100% of the time#using my iphone to post this is one of those things. buying something from amazon bc i canāt make myself go to the store is one.#sometimes one must preserve themself simply in the name of preservation. take care of your space bc thatās where you do You.#and sometimes objects accumulate in said space and just get this awful sickly aura. metaphorically#where you canāt deal with it so you shove it somewhere else. but itās okay to get rid of shit that sucks
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Going to be really honest, if you're disabled, you truly don't owe people - or the world - access to your diagnoses, symptoms, accessibility needs (and why you need them), mental health history, trauma, or anything like that.
The urge to force people to lay themselves out so they can be picked apart, consumed, and feasted upon by people who demand that their comfort outweigh that of a disabled person's is an ableist pipe dream. It is the urge to control that which you feel you have no control over, and it's your right to refuse to play that game, that role.
#disability#disability advocacy#in fact i encourage you to do the opposite - ESPECIALLY online or in spaces where anonymity is a blessing and not a foregone conclusion#there's a reason why i talk about my trauma (for example) but will never give you guys the privilege of the entire story#there's almost a metaphorical cannibalistic nature to the DEMAND of knowing everything about a marginalized person...#...there's this almost need to feast upon the body - to drink the knowledge and pass your judgment upon the flesh...#...i see it like the urge to destroy and maim because the underlying reason wouldn't be for our sake - it is selfish#it is the selfish hunt that feasts when you do not hunger - that turns its back upon the needy
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Yeah this is about right (as always my thoughts are in the tags so there's actually kei content there lmao)
#Hester I adore you they could never make me hate you. Seriously the first chapter in 6 (bad candy) is like my favourite opener#Kei they could NEVER EVER make me hate you. did nothing wrong ever. rhian when I CATCH you#its so funny how my two favourite characters just like. hate each other. like japeth literally kills him#sad cause they're so SIMILAR. theyre both victims of Dog Metaphor its so sad that kei does Not like japeth in the slightest#personally if they had a good long discussion about their emotions at like 3am they could've probably stopped TCY from happening#but alas. Aric. somehow its all his fault again. why do I have an aricposting tag but not a keiposting one.#Hester easily has the best overall characterisation arc I love love love the way soman writes her#I remember when I read 6 for the first time#before japeth insanity happened#I used to anticipate her chapters over like everyone else's. Hester the 1 lesbian in the series you are deeply loved#I could write whole essays about japeth and kei's characterisation it is so sad that soman forgets kei exists#like he's meant to be rhian's eagle. that's his job. that's what he's spent a Long Time anticipating becoming#but rhian refuses to acknowledge it. instead he calls Japeth his eagle in book 4's ending#He eventually falls in love with Sophie#he only ever cares about the crown#how he GETS to the crown#and bringing his mother back. he lies more than japeth#and never once does he get to be the eagle. There's only three spaces - lion/eagle/snake - and he doesn't get to be any of them#dont even get me started on how he dies. surrounded by white swans. being purely good#god rhian II try not to fuck EVERYTHING over challenge. and also Aric. its all arics fault as well#keiposting#japethposting#actually not really jposting. didn't do it that much#sge#tsfgae#school for good and evil#the school for good and evil#sfgae#the school of good and evil#as much as I adore Hester I dont think I will talk about her much in detail ever so no hesterposting yet
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perpetually thinking about suguru geto.
#forgot haunting the jjk narrative he haunts me too#like my god what a character#everything abt it makes me soo emotional dear lord#im particularly rn dwelling on his lil group. not the cult but like the twins and the sorcerers he had with him#it tells a lot that women. the queer coded characters. and the one black guy in the series are all part#of his crew#and they're not treated as subordinates or smth#they were very much a community#and regardless if they agreed with his beliefs or not#i do imagine he provided a some sort of safe space#especially in comparison to the conservative nature of jujutsu high#how he teared up in jjk0 watching them work together. it cements that his goal#fundamentally is about the safety and protection of sorcerers#he in his own fucked up way he provided a safe space for these other marginalised communities#something even gojo failed to do#even on a metaphorically level#his more restrictive clothes and hairstyle as a student#an allegory for repression#vs how the minute he defects he wears an oversized sweater and his hair is down#then the monk clothes which are very flowy and his hair is more wild#how even he is more expresssive and like more at ease yk even if not happy.#sigh. i love him.#my wife comeback the kids miss you#myle yaps abt jjk#suguru geto#jjk
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The way that the sun hits leaves and clouds. I feel like I could watch the colors change forever. If I could slow down for that long.
#i keep forgetting a have a deck now. i can go outside and sit there#im doing that now. sitting in the corner of a deck full of empty chairs. staring up at a big pine tree where the sun is striking it gold#at the top. i like how thr light hits the needles. if the sky was black it would look like its on fire#theres a tree outside my bedroom window too. in the morning. after the sunrises it catches thr light and refelcts the most perfect shade#of green. the kind of green that flutters translucent like youre looking up from the bottom of a pool. the light the light its all about#the sun. everything everything is about the sun. when i start my project I'll be focused on understanding how organisms catch the light bc#its so incredible and complicated it would make my chest swell to bursting if there wasnt an empty bleeding wound in my gut. a#metaphorical wound of course. i dunno. its just difficult bc right now my mood is inflated by hormones. not even that much i think I'm#just at what shoulf be a normal level of happiness so i can be slow for a minute. but just a minute bc i kno it won't last long#sorry i cant shut the fuck up when im like this but i dunno i just feel like i havr to document these ephemeral moments before they're gone#its just difficult when you kno the world is so full of beautiful things but 95% of the time your eyes are too clouded to see it#everyone tells me i work too much but i feel like im just staring off into space being miserable 60% of the time. ive just done so much#damage over the past few years im coming into a new lab as damaged goods. ive got an albatross around my neck in thr form of data i#collected so self destructively that the idea of having anything to do with its publication makes me hate myself. everytime someone tells#me good job on collecting so so so much data it feels like they're congratulating me for breaking something within myself. like i slit my#wrists and bled out on a lab bench and theyre saying good job and theyre excited for me and i have to grin and bear it and pretend im#excited too. but im not bc ive burned everything inside me to ash. so when im elevated enough to be distracted by the clouds and trees it#feels like healing. like seeing angels. beautiful ephemeral beams of light. i wish i could slow down enough to watch them. but now thr sun#is hitting the horizon and the sky is going gradually dark and i should go inside. bc i have many things to do in the morning. so that's#what ill do. and ill try to get more thsn 6hrs of sleep but its hard when your body is vibrating over with energy#but at least i dont feel tired in the morning. something in my head must be on fire#unrelated#hm i should maybe add a tw to this#tw self injury#but its the kind thst makes u good at ur Job. its the kind ppl reward. so they don't understand when u say its destroying ur life#but im trying to get better. i say as i gear up for an insane semester lol but i do mean it
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still rolling perinheri around in my head btw. that "the eclipse is swallowed by the crimson moon" line from dainsleif's introduction makes a lot more sense now. lol
#personal stuff#delete later#what's with khaenri'ah's dynasties being moon-based. you guys do not have a moon down there.#or maybe they do? enkanomiya had a fake sun sure but maybe they stole one of the moon sisters' corpses or something idk.#joking. i know there's a line about them glimpsing the sun and the moon in perinheri.#the line about the seas being used as a metaphor for the space projected by the stars... oh mona stars lore we're really in it now#but yeah they really said sorry no dain quest with the march update like normal :( here's some khaenri'ah lore snippets instead#the crimson moon dynasty being all about alchemy and beastmastering... the rifthounds coming from this time...#so rhinedottir's probably from the crimson moon dynasty then.#this means little to me since we have no idea how long the eclipse dynasty lasted before the cataclysm happened#still cool to know more about the dynasties though. khaenri'ah lore that doesn't revolve around the cataclysm my beloved.#i mean it does kind of. it lends context to the cataclysm in that the crimson moon [dynasty] swallowed the eclipse [dynasty]#or at least the legacy of the crimson moon dynasty [alchemy; beastmastering; and likely a connection with the abyss] did that#really curious to know if there was like. political unrest in khaenri'ah based on the two [or more] dynasties vying for power?#hmm. also alberich namedrop in perinheri wooo#diluc and kaeya shaking hands our family name comes from a guy way back when who was a knight!!
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worst thing about being disabled is that now I am fully and completely aware of exactly how much I am worth to everyone I know. And it is not a lot!!
#like. it gets to me. A lot of the time itās ohhh your life is priceless and. Well. Okay I did just see you put a price on it though.#like. Itās not always blatant but the laziness comments get to me. The stupid comments get to me. The money comments also get to me.#Either all life is precious or I am a drain on society. you cannot have both.#Why is my life worth less than twenty dollars. Better yet why are YOU gambling with MY life. wear your FUCKING masks.#like Iām usually fine bc I simply do not have the capacity for any more shit. I am existing in less dimensions than most ppl and Not Aware#And then when I am better I experience two entire years of Concentrated Cosmic Horror before I fold back down into being two dimensional#Cosmic horror? Eldritch horror? I DONT ACTUALLY KNOW. what I do know is that I straight up Do Not believe in the soul anymore bc of this!#like Iām horrified!! It is literally horrifying. If I still had all of me I could write some deeply fucked up metaphor but rn what Iāve got#Is like. okay so Iām supposed to be like. A galaxy on the inside folded into a person shape. Right#thereās stuff happening in there. three to five trains of thought at once etc. etc. and that is not what I have anymore. what I have now is#like. One planet and a white dwarf. not even a neutron star. And everything else went out so gradually that I didnāt really notice but#I woke up one morning and itās not there and then I got into the habit of not looking up bc thatās a lot of work and I have to keep paintin#galaxies on the ash of this stupid little planet. And then I experience random bandaid treatment and Have The Knowledge again and.#I get to experience Platoās allegory of the cave in REAL TIME and involuntarily!!#It really does suck that the only time I am able to comprehend the magnitude of my loss is when Iām not experiencing it!! bad times!!#Iām tired of being agreeable. Wear masks. Petition for air purifiers in public spaces. Or I start biting for real#if you notice Iām dealing with long covid a. BADLY. youāre right!! Gold fucking star! I challenge ANYONE to deal with The Bullshit actually#Iām not going to let myself be martyred for the fucking. Economy. Bull FUCKING shit.
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monthly existential vent post incoming lol guys i so desperately wish i had normal people problems ā¦ why canāt i be fussing over my turbulent love life or something why instead do my problems consist of the very soul consuming existential dread whilst i lay on my bedroom floor thinking about to what extent is life meant to be enjoyed and to what extent is it meant to be survived ā¦ why does every choice i am given make me feel like all the options are the wrong answer and iāll always be sick tired absolutely depressed :!!2;&:@,@/Ā£:& everything ā¦ feels so empty it makes me wanna cry so bad i always thought being alive was amazing and incredible and there was SO MUCH fun things to do but now all of a sudden . no matter how much i try everything feels like the colour and life has been drained out
#listening to my friends be so happy with their life career etc or at least not destroyed over it makes me wanna chuck myself off a cliff#my friend sending me voice notes abt her latest boy problems and how she has too many ppl who like her to me when i was rolling around on#the floor kinda crying like a useless sack of potatoes#HOW DO HUMANS LIVE ā¦ how do you make a place for yourselves in this world ā¦#i used to feel like i was on the edge of a massive cliff and one step forward i would fall but one step back would be safe#but now i feel like iām on a REAAAAALLY narrow mountain standing eighth at the peak and every single point of space around me is a place i#will fall to my death#not literally guys lol just a metaphor#LSNDJXB well . life is tough ig. surprise šš#i just donāt know what iām doing . i miss being in love with everyday . i wish i was 8 yrs old again . iām gonna rip my heart out .
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The mistake people are making is thinking that Jean and Harry are foils, actually. They're not. Kim and Harry are foils. Kim and Jean are foils.
Jean is not Harry's sane, sober, "together" counterpart. He is not a normal guy who was "driven mad" by Harry. He SAYS as much, multiple times.
Jean is Harry. And he knows it! And he can't fucking STAND it.
The seething tar pit of hypocrisy IS THE APPEAL!
Also I think he's funny.
#Harry's metaphorically his meat shield#Harry makes him LOOK normal#that is not the same thing as BEING normal#man wants Harry DEAD like let's not beat around the bush about it#I like to think that's not uncomplicated bc that's more fun for me to play in the space with but on some level he wants him Gone#and he's SHOCKINGLY cruel about it#but I also think that with Harry actually gone he completely spins out because he has nothing to hide behind#my god don't expose him#(but do. it's tastey.)#a similar thing is happening in you know#the Cave#because Kim sees through his ass entirely and it's really destabilizing him#anyway i shan't be maintagging#i don't want the heat#he's literally sergio#that's all he's just sergio
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You guys I am happy yet again!!!!! HELL yes
#the earth is tilting back and I am coming alive!#I have also been practicing man spreading in my own house and I sang Billy Joel real loud and friggin danced real badly with all my limbs#pinwheeling#as a way to practice taking up space#and also get exercise#which apparently improves your mood?????#my new mantra is āāIām the main characterā which I donāt really believe obv lol but damn some of you are right! romanticizing your life can#really improve it! and if the main character dances all crazy in their house or admires the scenery or clomps around the yard we are intoāt#(ran out of space; became Shakespeare)#(ros;bs)#and even if they do something dumb youāre like Aw main character! I stan you flawed and silly king#what kind of shenanigans will you get into next?? pushing bags of softener salt down the stairs like slinkys???#(yes)#AND! I had a pleasant interaction buying softener salt that I was also using to practice standing and walking around like I belong places#Iām loosening up by hips and standing with my pussy out metaphorically!!#*my#and the sky is big and there are clouds and naked trees limned in gold#clumps of dried grass too donāt forget#and the redwing blackbirds are shouting at everyone#fuck yeah#onionās nighttime thoughts#edit: also my hair looks cute
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Moe/Alfonse dynamic ultimately boils down to Moe's incessant Need to act like it's doing better than it actually is and has it all figured out and gets a bit (extremely) annoying and self-righteous about it at times. It's not as though Moe is disingenuous, it desperately wants to embody the things it believes in (the power of friendship and well-managed mental health symptoms) but these things do Not come naturally to it/are things it actively had to Learn and Put Into Practice (which makes it even MORE annoying and self-righteous, when it has Achieved the Goal. This is what helped ME I am going to help you now. 50-50 shot this Does or Does Not Help).
Until something Breaks, and Alfonse Realizes. Ohhhhhhhhh, you're full of shit, aren't you? Same as me. Okay. Well. PVP enabled. By the time Moe realizes OH this is like, The Worst Guy I could have possibly brought all my issues to, like I was built in a lab to stress him the fuck out and piss him the fuck off, it's too late. Not only is it getting a taste of its own medicine (HORRIBLE), every time it slinks away Alfonse is ready to fucking get its ass (UNBEARABLE). Or Alfonse is experiencing a category 10 withdrawing into himself event but when he eventually comes around (either on his own accord or Moe looming in the doorway gently like "hey. I'm here. If you need anyone to talk to. If you want. Only if you're okay with it. If you're ready. Doesn't have to be me, either. But I think it would be good to talk to Somebody. Okay? Take care of yourself") Moe is MORE than ready to give its best most hypocritical advice.
They are just as bad as each other and somehow it...? Doesn't make them worse?? They might even be onto something???? They seem to be enjoying this actually? Like it's enrichment for them? Huh. Alright. Repeat ad nauseam until something weird and gay happens (as if the mutual Obsession they ended up developing for each other wasn't inherently weird and gay anyway)
#moe tag#moe lore#the incessant need is also. a mani trait. like to the fuckinh extreme w that one.#another thing w moe is like. it is always so ready to fade away and disappear. that is its favorite thing to do.#there's def like. each having to find a balance/boundaries about it (moe does need space sometimes)#but the fact that alfonse just fucking REFUSES to let go. huge part of how anything has ever managed to happen between them#you can say a lot about alfonse needing to be shaken by the shoulders sometimes but the key here#is moe ALSO needs that.#in my heart my belief metaphorically. esp alfonse he's had enough of that. like externally#still. sometimes you DO have to kill him. same is true for moe.#fe alfonse#summoner oc
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srry for the sad posting
#personal#i cant believe I'm crying in the work bathroom over this#i wish i could just feel mt feelings rn abt this instead of having all the nuances pop into my hear#i desperately wish she hadnt apologized yet#she put a ball in my court that i didnt want yet bc i still needed to ice my ankle and do PT before playing again#<< metaphor in case its unclear to the like 1 or 2 ppl who might read this#but like i cant stop thinking about this stupid apology#ik she said it bc she probably meant it#but i wasnt READY FOR THAT#the only reason i even reached out was to say āhey give me my stuff back im giving you yours backā#i tried so hard NOT to engage with the emotional side of the convo bc i did NOT have the space for it#and now i feel like the bad guy bc im not answering her for this apology#bc im not READY#and its been in the forefront of my mind for literally like 48hrs now#oughghgh
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minds in half a dozen places or so I need to be able to do more than one thing at a time. hanzashiro is calling to me like at least two different videogames are calling to me library book that could be used as a murder weapon is calling to me. Hanzashiro Is Calling To Me.
#back hurts went to the art museum#need to finish sorting basically the entirety of tbhk in my photo album#because itās siphoning all of my storage space and i need to redownload my music..#that said. i think. with some novel related revelations. i could do some more fun stuff in the river#whatās better than two weird guys Three of them. <- shaking slightly#also. SASAKI HIRANO ASK IN MY ASKBOX.#also how about that art huh. Ha Ha#like sure ooookay weāll give kagi and hirano SWORDS and hiranoās sword is sheathed still but kagiās ISNāT and ichinose in the foreground has#a pistol out and is staringinto the camera instead of looking at what nearly everyone else is looking at and niibashi is on the phone with#GOD KNOWS WHO and yeah of course sasaki is sat on the steps there apathetically reloading HIS pistol ALSO looking at the camera rather than#offscreen which is FINE. and MASATO HAS A GUN. AND HE LOOKS READY TO START FIRING AT ANY MOMENT.#AND YOUāLL NOTICE THAT ITāS NOT A REGULAR PLAAAAIIIIIN PISTOL FOR SOME REASON. ITāS ORNATE. LOOKS TO HAVE SOME ENGRAVING.#iām just supposed to. what. accept this quietly? iām sick in the head. Sorry#anyway just wanna say plainly that evidently kagi and masato are the ones most ready to go. do violence.#or whatever the weaponry is a metaphor for Looks at you okay iām done
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Brother why are there so many roaches we have had TWO full exterminations and BOTH TIMES the roaches came back. The first time there were less of them for a week (still some) but the second time there was absolutely zero difference in the number of roaches even immediately after the extermination. Like man. What am I supposed to do about this
#theyāre in all the appliances dawg how am I supposed to cook š#and my sister is just like ājust move out!!!ā brother WHERE#she is actually moving out on the shortest notice imaginable cuz she canāt deal with the roaches#going to our ex step fathers house cuz she already planned to move in there with her partner#but now sheās going there early cuz of the roaches#and like okay sure but WE canāt move in there. and yet sheās like āfind a new place!ā brother we renewed the lease#and also do you know how the world works nowadays you canāt move anywhere itās always more expensive š#weāre like frogs in boiling water#I jumped ahead with that metaphor but Iām too lazy to backtrack to explain how I got there#anyways yknow the roach guys said the infestation was REALLY bad and they wanted to do a follow up#but idk when that follow up is cuz itās been a month since the extermination and there has been 0 difference. as soon as we came back to the#apartment there were still roaches on the walls#like man what am I supposed to do theyāre everywhere and it would be so hard to move out š#vent#<- figure Iāll add that cuz like. thatās what this is. my life is just not great rn. constantly hungry too cuz we struggle with groceries#and Iām too scared to make myself some food cuz of the obscene amount of roaches. there was a roach in the dinner last night. then my mom#invited us to dinner at her place and refused to get us dinner.#said she wanted to hang out and didnāt talk to me so wtf#itās just not going well. I posted happily about how I got those gifts but honestly I canāt even enjoy them because thereās too many roaches#like I donāt know where to put things so that roaches donāt get them. thereās no safe space.
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deep sighing
#hey alexander#we always end up looking at you across the metaphorical table#anyway ive decided to be obsessed with thebes for the foreseeable future#but im also realizing belatedly that this is like. we're getting into the stuff that made me obsessed with rome#i do not have the brain space for that. re4 is taking up all that brain space rn#i need a memory upgrade. a terabyte or smth for my brain
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