#discussion of ideation

[raemoriendi]

okay but what does it say when the only time I identify with my agab is when she’s dead

and not even the traditional “she’s dead and I killed her” because I didn’t, I don’t resent her that way, I don’t know that she’s even totally gone

dead in the sense of when I was thirteen there was Me and then the version of me I wanted to drown in the bathtub. because I was angry, because I wanted to protect her, because I wasn’t sure if that finally meant we’d be free of what people in that fucking place wanted from me

dead in the sense of I felt out of time, out of place, like something had already happened to me and I never got off that operating table when I was twelve and they thought it was cancer

dead in that the only time I felt beautiful was when I looked like I hadn’t seen the sun in years, where my makeup looked like shock from exposure, or like there was blood across my mouth that might even have been mine

dead as in I keep writing stories about women who claw their way out of the grave and don’t quite know what they are now, if they’re even still alive, if they even want to be women anymore because they’re too tired to get the cemetery dirt out of their hair

this weird in-between where people call me “ma’am” at work and I smile like I’m hiding fangs behind my upper lip, tight and not quite real because the masquerade is safer lately, but ugh, having to keep up the sunlight charade is a chore

dead as in “you killed her, and I am the thing that came back in her place” with everything that threatens and promises

I don’t hate her, she doesn’t haunt me, but she lingers. sometimes she possesses me and sometimes she’s separate, a second reflection in my mirror

we’re at peace, even if our house creaks and groans with phantom footsteps

[itsnotjustgibberish]

Happy Juno day! Finally redid this animatic I’ve had sitting as near empty project in FlipaClip for like a year

[reksigh]

if you could flip a switch and open your third eye

[haveafuckingfanfic]

*Wisdom Saga Spoilers*

CW for spoilers and TW for mental health, PTSD, S1 and Su1cide.

Many people have probably touched on this, but in the last minute of the song ‘Love In Paradise’ we hear about Odysseus’ time on Calypso’s island. He clearly is still clearly struggling with the death of Telemachus and the rest of his crew.

These lines stand out to me:

“‘Odyseus?’”

“‘All I hear are screams…’”

“‘Ody, get away from the ledge.’”

“‘You don’t know what I’ve gone through! You don’t know what I’ve sacrificed! Every comrade I long knew, every friend, I saw them die! All I hear are screams...’”

“‘You will be fine dear, come back inside dear. Love of my life comeback~

‘Every time I close my eyes…’

‘~to paradise. I know your life’s been hard, I’ll stay inside~’

‘All I hear are scream!’

‘~your heart.~’

‘All I hear are screams!!~’

‘I love your mind dear, all of our time here. Life would be so much worse if you had died.~’

‘~Just let me close my eyes!’

~Please stay away from harm. Stay in my open arms.’”

Jorge captured the affects of PTSD so well. As a PTSD survivor, it hit home. The depression that sets in after a traumatic event is very intense and can be overwhelming. For survivors, we enter a stage of our bodies and minds trying to make sense and process what had happened. This is shown by the lyric above where Ody says he hears the screams of his crew over and over.

Often time we don’t understand that the event we went through was even traumatic at all. In an effort, our brains replay the events as a way for us to process it and it often just ends up causing *more* pain without proper help. Without help, we can dive into depression, anxiety and suicidal ideation. This is clearly shown in Odysseus as well, since his brain isn’t processing what happened he then blames himself for the deaths of his crew and doesn’t know to how to live and cope with such a large tragedy.

This is also where the behavior of pushing others away comes in. This is a common behavior when you are depressed. It’s something that feels too large or traumatic to ‘burden’ others with. We withdraw the more our brain loops and struggles to understand.

If your brain doesn’t comprehend the trauma or make sense of it, it searches for escapes. Thus where suicidal ideation, hyper-sexuality, and self harm is introduced. It serves as a distraction, a way to cope or a way out of the pain. That’s why we find Odysseus contemplating and attempting suicide. He wants a way away from the way his mine plays and replays his trauma. He sees no other way out and is driven to the cliff. There’s a level of exhaustion that comes with constantly dealing with trauma, that exhaustion will also fuel suicidal thoughts.

And to circle back to the beginning, with PTSD survivors we experience a heightened sense of danger. Our fight or flight is on 24/7, so we will be slow to trust and quick to be on guard. Odysseus is showing these symptoms too, he does not trust Calypso and is quick to let her know that he doesn’t trust her.

So to cap this off, I feel so incredibly seen as a PTSD survivor. The things we go through when we are coping with our trauma and what comes with it are demonstrated clearly in this song. Thank you Jorge💗💗💗

[galactic-rhea]

i think i'm actually on my breaking point

[iodrawsandtalks]

Criticism of Penacony and why i think HYV shouldve quit while they were ahead.

//vent towards the end, references to suicide while those references are quest spoilers Recently I've been doing world quests and grinding out the new region and been repeatedly finding myself walking straight into microagressions and slights to the point where it's been jarring enough for me to put my game down. As a black dude playing HYV games i know well enough not to act like the stupid billion dollar game company cares about appealing to minorities but its 2024 man.

First off, the obvious issue. Penacony has been repeatedly mentioned by the devs themselves to be based off of the Jazz Age from the U.S. a few decades ago.

The Jazz age was a period of time in American History between the 1920's and 1930s where the popularity of Jazz just boomed from being like an indie type of music to one of worldwide popularity. Obviously, Black people in that era are wholly responsible for Jazz itself.

So yeah, Penacony takes its origins from a key black history movement. Penacony, the region that released at the start of February. Black History Month. Star Rail is arguably one of the most popular games right now in terms of outreach because it's free, its new, and its colorful/futurisric etc.... And yet....

Just like with the rest of the HYV games that take real world inspirations, they fucked over black people and their stories.

In Honkai Impact 3rd, basically we had this one black girl who's like sandpaper brown and complains about how much her DARK SKIN ruins her look and how she bleaches her skin using various products to keep it lighter. She is ashamed of her DARK SKINNED mother who's a military woman. Her father is absent. Her mother is also a grown adult who is a B-rank soldier(main character white teenagers are S-rank for reference). Carole Peppers is her name if you want to go further down that rabbit hole.

In Genshin Impact, besides the fact that people with different skin tones are CLEARLY sectioned into certain regions(no seriously there's no real reason why i shouldnt see a black person in any of the existing regions.), and besides the unnecessary amount of whitewashing and besides the perpetuation of the idea of melanin NOT being natural, every single brown/black character in the game has awful playstyles and/or poor matching with weapons/artifacts, inaccessibilty, and they NEVER make it to the top of any meta tierlists. I'm not outright saying they're bad they're just harder and almost never get specialized weapons.

The only previously relevant example in Star Rail was Arlan, a lightning/destruction character. He chews through his own HP and unlike characters like blade/clara, does not have resistance or healing to handle that. Serval, the other lightning 4 star, out-dps's him veryyyyyyy easily. So yeah, the ashy black person character basically dies if you use him for too long and is never relevant TO ANY quests except where he needs to be the sidekick.

sometimes these games have dragons, animals that can understand and process english, or magic.... but then not black people...

Penacony has no black main characters. No black stories of relevance. Yesterday found an NPC whose name was detracted from chocolate and the player had the option to let commit suicide.

yeah ill get to that 💀. This large mass of at least 4 supernatural looking characters and yet no black person. NOT EVEN ANY OF THE CHARACTERS FROM penacony itself are black.

so yesterday I was grinding clockwork quests and had to help out some apathetic shopkeeper named Cocona. Her story was almost a bit sad but midway into going through her background i realized her name is one letter off of cocoa. now imagine being on a creative team coming up with a name for a melanated NPC and somebody decides on fucking CHOCOLATE with an extra letter. before anybody implies that one was something i shoehorned, think about how itd go if i had a bunch of POC characters and one white girl named crackerella.

Cocona and her once again sad backstory reach a hard tipping point as the player follows her to the edge of a building and can either grab her to stop her from jumping or simply let her end her life jumping off the building.

Yes we've seen how this game lets you make choices and watch the consequences of your actions, but there have been established rule-breaking predecents. Take Ruan Mei's quest where you have no choice but to eat the cake she offers you and once again lose the ability to make a choice on saying anything related to her. or any time the trailblazer gets pushed into a fight and cannot de-escalate. ....with this in mind consider why was saving the cocoa girl from killing herself NOT a forced option.

normally id be the kind of silly person looking for lore bits and stuff and making theories, (like how clockie is from the path of elation :v)but as a black dude this whole region is disgusting. THEY ARE GENTRIFIYING JAZZ AND COVERING UP ITS BLACK ORIGINS idk who said HYV cared about their audiences they fucking dont.

wouldve posted this on reddit but whoop dee do i am NOT getting doxxed today.

[dead-generations]

Also worth noting that the FAA has been in a crisis of leadership for several years now. Biden was engaging in back to back firings of FAA administrators while he was in office. it was quite shameful in certain circles; apparently the FAA was completely unable to handle the rollout of 5G around airports. actually iirc even just one airport. this despite the fact the Europe had handled it so well they were making 5g mandatory on planes.

It was a fiasco.

On the space side: Musk obviously doesn't have the best interests of the industry at heart but it has far from the only one who felt the FAA was failing launch providers and needed an overhaul in how it handled rocket launche. FAA heads, industry leaders, consultancies, the USSF, congress, the Biden Whitehouse: everyone has agreed for a while that the FAA isn't quite fit for purpose in launch oversight right now.

hopefully knowing that you can better judge whether or not DOGE is/was making appropriate or merely self interested changes at the FAA.

[lopposting]

yo yo yo

Carlo is dead girl trope!!! in dead girl media!!

character who influences the entire narrative, has an overwhelming presence in the story, but simply because their absence is so powerful that it shapes the entire work they're in (as opposed to their presence)

go dead girl go

[campbellschunkybear]

Thinking angsty OC/s-i thoughts atm.

I think Everett has dealt with like. the average amount of thoughts about killing someone else (especially out of self defense). But with the Gold Hunt he becomes more and more aware of that becoming an actual real thing he might have to do, whether to protect himself or one of the others. But it's a very clear growing presence in the back of his mind, a change from passively packing his hunting knife among the things he takes to his new life to actually having seen people die be killed. It probably hits him the second or third time he sees/hears Sugimoto skin a dead tattooed convict. I think if/when Everett finally did kill someone during the Gold Hunt it would fuck something up inside him and he'd pretend it didn't. I mean, the guy's surrounded by actual war vets who he's SEEN kill people, he can't just break down over it, right? "It's nothing, it's what I had to do, what if they'd hurt/killed Asirpa/Shiraishi/Sugimoto/etc," he repeats in his head after a nightmare like he'd used to repeat hymns before those stopped working.

And I think Everett very much suffers from a mix of a savior/martyr complex (gee wonder where that came from) where he simultaneously resigns and assigns himself to it. I think by the Karafuto arc, when Sugimoto appears to be dead, he ends up thinking "oh, it's up to me now. If something happens, if someone tries to kill Asirpa or Shiraishi, I'm gonna have to be the one to stop them permanently." And so I think during Karafuto he ends up going from very open and fascinated to like, paranoid and on-guard and unintentionally NOT subtle about it. If it's called attention to he'll just complain about the cold (which is making it worse tbf, he's from a tropical climate Russian winter is not for him). Everyone is fucking going THROUGH IT during that arc but Everett is strung so tight he nearly breaks and I don't think it fully goes away until Sugimoto is up and walking again after the final fight with Tsurumi.

[kogetaikid]

Alright Guys. It's theory time. But first, have this super lazy Sour Patch Kid looking ass diagram of the eight fallen humans

I would've added the switch soul. But at the time that i'm writing the first half of the post, it's 10:30pm and I'm tired.

I guess I'll take this as an opportunity to say that reader discretion is advised. This post will deal with serious topics revolving around suicide, child abuse and child neglect. Please remain civil and respectful while interacting. Debunking/constructing on this theory is greatly appreciated, but no "oyasumi", "going to get milk" or any sort of jokes surrounding these topics are not allowed and I may even block you if i have to. I like dark humor but this post isn't made for humorous purposes. Proceed with caution.

[Several hours later/I've had a good night's sleep/Keep reading for theory]

(Sorry for all the warnings. I just wanna make sure that anyone who gets upset by these topic have scrolled past already)

THEORY TIME!

(Sorry if this is incomprehensible af. I could prob make an AU out of this but don't count on it. I've tried making AU's before and couldn't keep up)

If you've been a fan of Undertale and Deltarune for a long time, you may have come across a lot of theories on the fallen humans coming from dysfunctional households. I've seen many people theorize/headcanon that Chara, the first fallen human after the war between humans and monsters fell from Mt. Ebott as a suicide attempt, and tried poisoning themselves prior to surviving the fall, meeting the royal Dreemurr family, accidentally poisoning Asgore. I put "suicide attempt" in bold font because even though the humans in Chara's village thought Asriel killed them when they died, what if a small percentage of the villagers didn't believe Asriel killed Chara, and some of the humans suspected suicide.

This could've lead to other humans (specifically the children) who come from dysfunctional families and where tired of either the abuse and they had to endure everyday seeing Chara and Mt. Ebott as a way to escape.

In short, Mt. Ebott was a suicide spot for abused kids

Something to support this claim can be this piece of text from the Undertale intro.

In the Undertale intro, we see Chara, the first fallen human. The main protagonist, Frisk was the eighth (and depending on which route you take) the last human to fall into the underground.

At the end of the pacifist route, Asriel talks about how Chara hated humanity and asks what Frisk fell in the first place.

One can assume Frisk wanted to free the monsters, but even with some before hand knowledge, it's highly unlikely that Frisk would've known about Flowey/Asriel and all the shenanigans from the pacifist route.

To top it all off, the reason why I quoted "legends say that those who climb the mountain never return." is because it can be taken in the concept of Mt. Ebott being a surefire way to kill yourself. Especially if seven others died prior; six of them never returning to the surface. Therefore, you're bound to be killed either by the impact of the fall, or by other monsters.

I hope my tired ass is making sense. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO DEBUNK! Here's the post prior to this. Good day. I shall be waiting for my (somewhat) loving family to arrive in a good few hours.

[scintillating-scales]

The way I see myself (outside of who/what I currently am/present myself as) is kinda divided into two distinct perceptions. I have dragon me, with everything that comes with that, and then I have human me, who's similar in some ways and different in others. I experience intrusive thoughts and homicidal ideation, and the version of myself that will appear most strongly when I slip into fantasizing about all that is very human. Trying to imagine my draconic self in that position just. Doesn't feel quite right.

It makes for an odd feeling. Both perceptions are borne from dehumanization and feeling somewhat dangerous and predatory and Other. But each has a very different way of playing that out. Draconic me embraces all that in an almost spiritual way, in a way that physically removes my humanity, and in a way that serves as a protection of myself in the face of the world that's hurt me. Whereas the human me embraces all that in a way that expounds upon the anger and the trauma and some of the symptoms and such I deal with because of it, in a way that innately dehumanizes me further on a moral level. It's about destroying my shame and my reservations completely, while reveling in my own monstrosity.

If I wanted to be really cheesy I could call the dragon the more productive and peaceful good to work towards, and the human the destructive and degenerative evil to avoid. But that's a crude and inaccurate way of looking at it. Both are equally present parts of myself, and both have their functions in my sense of self and how I've grown and changed and coped with the trauma I've faced. The violent, disgusting nature of the human is as much a coping mechanism and reclamation of my pain as the nature of the dragon is.

And obligatory note that no, I do not want to ever act on the homicidal urges. They're so incredibly persistent, and end up lacing everything I think/do, so the occasional thought-indulgence in thinking about what it would be like is my way of lessening their bite. They're unbearable and impossible to cope with otherwise. But I have a very strict system for everything to do with them, and actual action is not on the table. Not now, nor for the future.

[rosecoloredknight]

this country is so fucked up. filled with so much violence and hate. ugh.