#directionless

[annalu86]

Lunch at Genny’s.

It’s nearly lunch time and Genny is stood at her kitchen counter preparing a meal for her family. She’s watching her boys throw a ball back and forth in the garden, which sounds idyllic but took half an hour of arguing and bribing to get them both to turn off their phones and games. She has some bright and breezy music playing in the background as she chops salad and prepares meat for the BBQ.

Tim, her brother, is coming over. He does this regularly, he’s kept to his promise of being more active in their lives and Genny loves it. From stepping in to coach little league, to Sunday lunches, to actually babysitting for the one, disastrous, date she’d dared to go on since moving to the city.

But today was a little different, today Genny was making a little extra effort. Today was the day Tim was finally introducing her to Lucy. His girlfriend.

Of course Genny had met Lucy several times already, in fact Genny was pretty sure she had already made up her mind what kind of person Lucy was. And she loved her! Anyone who could make her hard nosed brother squirm with a look, stop in his tracks with one touch and make him laugh, really laugh was worth her weight in gold.

Tim had always talked more about Lucy than any other colleague, she’d heard stories of Angela and his watch commander, but Lucy had quickly become a regular feature of their catch up phone calls. Then she had met Lucy and seen the shift in her brother’s behaviour, his desire to be around her. Once she had moved to the city, with Ashley out the picture, she had been amused to see the pair of them trying to hide their obvious affection for each other from her. Then the calls to look after Kujo had started, not just ‘can you drop in and take him for a walk’ during a shift but requests to have him over night. She new he had a dog sitter and only asked her as a last resort and she didn’t mind at all, the boys loved Kujo and it stopped them begging her for a pet for themselves. It was clear he was regularly spending the night away from home, on top of his normal shifts.

So when Genny had called to invite him over for lunch she had been keen to extend the invitation to Lucy but was a little unsure as to how her notoriously private brother would take it.

“Hey Tim, is this a good time?”

“As good as any”

“Perfect, how would you like to come over for lunch on Sunday?”

“Actually that works for me, as long as I can bring the dog?”

“Of course. Actually… as you’ve mentioned bringing someone…”

“Genny?”

“Is there anyone else you’d like to bring?”

“…”

“It’s just an offer, anyone you’d like to bring would be welcome”

“… thanks, I’ll ask.”

“Perfect. Let me know if she has any food preferences, see you both at the weekend!”

And she had quickly hung up the phone.

Genny heard Tim’s truck pull up outside but forced herself to stay in the kitchen and wait for the knock at the door, she was determined not appear too keen. After a couple of minutes she heard hushed voices outside the door and then, eventually a knock. As she swung the door open she was greeted immediately by Kujo’s nose pushing its way forward, she bent to stroke his head and then straightened up, first, into the beaming face of Lucy Chen and then looking up into the serious face of her brother.

Genny took in Lucy’s arm casually looped through Tim’s, the way the woman’s body was turn in towards his. “Hi! Genny thanks so much for inviting us over. I brought garlic bread”

Tim bent down and unclipped the dogs lead, letting him run off in search of the boys in the garden.

“Hi Genny” he lent forward and hugged her briefly, he moved back, placed his hand on Lucy’s lower back and ushered her forward into the house.

Genny welcomed them both in and led the way to the kitchen. She fixed them both drinks and they chatted about work, house renovations and the boys. Genny watched her guests move around each other. The way Lucy’s body turned in his direction as he moved about the kitchen, how his hands moved to touch some part of her whenever she was in reach. The way Tim smiled at Lucy’s endless gentle teasing, no sign of irritation just warmth and affection as he rolled his eyes and chuckled and in return Lucy’s constant good humour. She seemed to find his grumpy demeanour endearing, which Genny new from personal experience was a must if you were going to spend any real time with Tim.

Time had come to put the meat on the grill. Tim stood, passing a plate of kebabs to Lucy and picking up the steaks himself and the pair walked out into the garden. Genny watched her two buys walk over to the couple, they had both met Lucy at Tyler’s little league match and the four quickly struck up an easy conversation. After a few minutes of chatting, whilst Tim loaded up the grill, Lucy moved off into the garden with the boys and they all started playing catch. Tim watched them from the grill, fiddling with the heat before turning a walking back inside the house.

“That’s a mighty big smile you have there big brother” Genny ventured, somewhat bravely.

“It really is great to have you and the boys back”

“Riiight” she earns herself a sharp look from her brother “and it doesn’t have anything to do with your friend? The beautiful, energetic, witty woman, who hangs on your every word and chooses to spend her precious days off playing catch with your nephews?”

“Maybe” to her amazement the gruff exterior melts and she seizes her chance to push his boundaries a little.

“She it, isn’t she?”

He sighs deeply “without doubt.”

“Marriage?”

“If she’ll have me”

“Oh she will, she loves you”

“She does, doesn’t she” and Genny is shocked by the surprise in his voice.

“You’re a pretty great guy”

Their conversation ends quickly as Lucy runs back in to tell Tim it’s probably best he comes to turn the meat as things are getting a little smoky outside.

The rest of the afternoon runs like clockwork, they sit down to eat. Tim asks the boys about school and Lucy picks out their more child friendly adventures to share at the table. The boys practically beg for Lucy to come and throw the ball around with them after the food is cleared away but Genny sends them off. “Uncle Tim and Lucy want to spend some of their day off together boys”

The adults move inside, Genny taking the comfy chair, leaving the couple to the well worn sofa. Tim takes the corner, arm out along the back of the sofa until Lucy folds herself into his side and his arm automatically tucks in around her. Genny gets up to make coffee for herself and Lucy, from the kitchen she watches Tim dip his head and kiss the woman he clearly loves on the forehead. They talk quietly, contentedly. Lucy’s hand touches his chest and Genny turns away. It’s too sweet and innocent and she wants them to have their moment of privacy.

Genny’s guest stay until the end of Lucy’s cup of coffee. Genny offers to have Kujo for the night as thanks for Lucy doing a great job of wearing the boys out and Tim eagerly agrees. As Tim pops to the car to grab some of the dogs supplies Genny takes the opportunity to talk to Lucy alone.

“Thank you so much for having me over” Lucy hugs Genny warmly

“You’re very welcome, don’t wait for that brother of mine to invite you back. You’re welcome here any time. All the Bradford boys love you” and then because she can’t help herself “not just the oldest one” she adds pointedly. Her smiles widens as she watches the colour rise in Lucy’s cheek. “Maybe we could go for lunch?” She asks as Tim walks back through the door with an armful of supplies.

“Only if you bring pictures of teenage Tim!” Lucy playfully jabs him in the ribs

“No” Tim puts both hands on Lucy’s hips and pushes her out the door “it was nice knowing you Genny, sorry it had to end this way” he jokes crossly as Genny blows him a kiss and waves.

She watches them drive off, shuts the door and walks back to her comfy chair. She picks her laptop up off the coffee table and opens the website to her favourite clothes shop, selects dresses and starts browsing “I hope they have a summer wedding” she says to herself as she clicks on a floaty garment “this will be perfect.”

[ineverbelongedhere]

I have

no idea

where

I'm going

[howifeltabouthim]

Simon had very little sense of his own identity and often it seemed to him that he only existed at all by virtue of Axel's love which was directed by what must be a mistake upon this almost-nothing.

Iris Murdoch, from A Fairly Honourable Defeat

[feelmycolourfadingout]

i think about what could’ve been if i had some sort of talent. i wouldn’t feel like a constant disappointment to the people around me if i just had some sort of talent or passion but i don’t. i sit day in and day out hoping maybe i have a talent that i just haven’t fully discovered yet but every day i sit here and see myself as a waste of a human.

[ferrum-fe]

I don’t know what I’m doing,

Life keeps calling but my insides are stewing,

Less tender now after days of chewing

On thoughts that wouldn’t stop,

On my heart that wants to pop,

On the breeze that brings me to my knees when all I wanna do is hop,

Hop, hop, hop, like a little rabbit free,

Hop away, l want you to see,

See, see, see, like the horizon keeps rolling,

See ahead, the way we’ve lived and kept on going,

Going, going, going, mind always on the move,

Going anywhere, going till we find our groove,

Yet we can’t, we’re stuck in this place, this space that is drowning me too,

I feel like we got nothing left,

Left like a direction that keeps circling,

Left like a correction that that that’s just recycling,

Recycling the same old moods,

Same old scars,

Same old pains,

Same old everything,

Leaving us with nothing new, just the same old thoughts,

Anyways…

I don’t know what I’m doing.

[in-tenebris-et-in-solitudine]

[amalgamgooze]

through the fog

Every day anymore, it feels like I'm slogging through a thick fog in order to earn my right to rot.

...that could be a cool idea for a story. Some rotting organism who hasn't yet earned their right to decay. If someone wants to take it, it's up for grabs right now.

Anyway, I know it's just another "low period" that'll pass soon. Soon I'll feel happier again and won't be as always-tired as I am now.

For now, though, I'm stuck binge eating and wallowing in my own sorrows until the brighter, sunnier days come.

And all I'm left doing is staggering in a straight line because I can't see where I'm going anymore.

I'm lost.

[universalmenscaping]

"End of Trail"

[beautifulbookishdisaster]

She'd never had a clear vision of what she wanted her life to look like, she had always been directionless, but she did know that she wanted to be swept up, to be plucked from the crowd.

Emily St. John Mandel, The Glass Hotel

[imaginemirage]

"Today is all far off stares. I sit at a desk at a job I know I will not keep and I do not know where I belong. I am stuck looking off into the distance for a future I cannot put into words. How do you know where you are meant to be if you haven't visited that place yet?"

Olivia Larson

[mrpicasso-face]

Thin ribbons of sound

Fall from an endless sky.

Tiny symphonies

Dance their existence away.

Until they find themselves

Crumpled,

Lifeless

On the cold

Unfeeling

Ground.

Gather up their remains,

We'll build from them

A fire.

The kind that dances

The kind that sings.

If it should engulf the world

Oh,

What a song that would be.

[geminimoonmadness]

Hell is not a place called home, so don’t get comfortable there.

Keep on going because your journey isn’t ending yet. I know it may be hard, because it’s definitely not pleasant, but I can promise you one thing….it’s worth it.

Why would you want to gamble your whole life away when you can gamble the chance that one good day or more will come?

Copyrights reserved © geminimoonmadness

[lesliepoet]

Paint on my Keyboard

Struggling to write through pain and fatigue, I reflect on my journey from existing to living, embracing gratitude and the power of words

Sometimes writing this blog post is easy, other times more difficult, while some days I have to abandon the endeavour completely. So far this week’s blog post is the story of abandonment and migraine. Sometimes the battle is to focus on a thought or a thread and form it into something to share. This week the thoughts have been distant and indistinct. I haven’t been inspired to write poetry, not…

[justjudgemealready]

I've been on this site for over a decade now and still don't talk, not really planning to start but just wanted to say that at 17, I didn't know what to do with my life, currently at 27 I don't know what to do with my life, so I really hope at 37i finally figure that would thing out so I can be happier.

[somefuqnguy]

Here goes something!

Hello! if you're reading this i hope that the day is treating you well. i hope that you've not only been productive in your day to day tasks such as cleaning and paying any bills you have due, but that you're also taking the time to treat yourself! whether that be with a deserved treat in the form of a snack or gift that you've been putting off or maybe a moment of calm perspective. whatever it may be it does not matter this post and this blog along with it are a bit of an experiment. you see i find myself like the rest of us. i live week to week. working two days a week to keep me and my brother and my mom fed and comfortable. now as i'm sure you can assume? that is not the most viable method of survival. I've known being broke more than ill ever know the luxuries of the ultra rich and i know that i need to get a better job, but the problem with that being i don't know what job i want. i want it to be creative oriented and fun, but also one that helps in a meaningful way. I'm not trying to just shoot for the most amount of money because i worry about selling large portions of my time ( the thing we all cant see or hold and therefore have no idea how much we actually have) to jobs that leave me with an overwhelming feeling of dread. Again i know that isn't a brand new thought and bear with me fore i am not use to sharing my thoughts or how i feel. especially on the internet. the whole point of this entire post was to just get all these thoughts off of my chest, maybe find a sort of direction to take myself in or maybe a friend or a kind of community??? im not sure

[bugbarians]

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